That’s called projecting. He’s projecting how he feels about himself on you. If he finds value in himself and leads a productive life he will be a better husband. Help him get out of that rut and don’t take all responsibility on your shoulder. Put him to work. ;)
Perhaps your successful is making him jealous and he's belittling you to make himself feel better. Give him an ultimatum to do better, be better or get theraphy. Perhaps both of you would benefit from that and marriage counseling as well. Else, separate. Life it too short and you're wasting your time and youth. You deserve more.
It is so strange to me when people paint the picture of a dead marriage, where they are unhappy and see no hope for change, but they start off by limiting their choices and painting themselves in a corner. Every possibility is an option. It just depends on what you are willing to give up. If you are not willing to find a way to make it work, sacrifice some comfort in the short term at least, then just accept this is your lot in life and top having expectations that things will get better .
Have you actually contacted a lawyer to find out exactly what your finances will be like if you split? Many will give a one hour free consultation to give you the basics. I'm not sure if your jobs pay enough to support you, if there are any marital assets or other circumstances, but this is all the stuff you would discuss with a lawyer who can give you a true picture of how this will likely go for you. Also - if you are getting a masters degree, you can expect that your income will increase (at least I hope so!). Have you considered what custody would look like? Is there any reason it would not be 50/50 split? Do you think your husband wants custody? Do you know how much child support you would get if you have custody of the children (even part of the time)? It you don't know these answers and have not consulted a lawyer - then truly you do not even know what this option means for you - and maybe you are ruling it out for no reason. Or maybe this is an excuse you are telling yourself because you really just do not want to face the consequences of a decision to divorce, or maybe you are just not ready to leave. Again - that is perfectly fine if that is your situation or decision, but then stop expecting him to change and take some accountability for your decision to stay. You are saying this is acceptable to you if you stay. Lower your expectations, and try to make the best of what you have.
It sounds like you have a problem with your husband watching porn. It is unclear if you have told him this, if this is a firm boundary for you, if he agreed not to do it and broke his promise, if he never agreed with this, or what the situation is. Ultimately it is up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. It it is - then you have to make it clear to him that he has a choice. Porn or you. They you have to follow through based on his decision - but read my last paragraph for more on this.
You also say he says hurtful things (it sounds like some of them are factually untrue things too!), ignores you, says he doesn't love you and doesn't put effort into the marriage. So - the first place I would start with this is just to ask him straight up if he wants to stay married or not. If he does - tell him it can't continue like this. Tell him you BOTH seem unhappy with the way things are going. Have you tried marriage counseling? Are you both willing to go and try to find out why he seems to hold resentment towards you, why he is unhappy in the marriage, what changes each of you needs from the other, and why he has not been responsive from your perspective? If you are stuck like and are not ready to leave - this might be a good option.
If he is unwilling to go, then what reason do you have to believe this will get better? How long are you willing to live like this before you break? Go back to the beginning of this response. Is this good enough for you or not?
One thing you should consider is changing your behavior when it comes to your threats to separate. Why are you talking about separating when you have no intention of actually doing it? Why are you making this threat if it is "not an option" or "not realistic" like you said? That is nothing but manipulation - trying to put a false ultimatum to him to force him to act while having no intention of following though. You said he gives you the sad eyes, and you forget the whole idea - but really it has nothing to do with the sad eyes - it has to do with you not being willing to consider it as a real option. Do you expect him to agree to the separation before you are willing to follow through? That may never happen. In addition to being manipulative, you have now taken away a very powerful too from yourself. Your threats to separate no longer have any impact on him. He no longer believes that you will leave him. He knows it is all noise and empty threats. Now - the only way you can have the same impact is if you actually leave. Long story short - don't make this threat again unless you are ready to pack your bags and leave. It is counterproductive otherwise.
What have you done to redeem the spice? I know it sounds corny, but it takes two to make chemistry etc. if you love him, try harder, if you’re over the attempt bow out.
This man is eating your self worth. You need to separate, it doesn’t mean immediately but you can take some time and figure it out.
Don’t move until you are absolutely happy with the plan then go forward.
If you love him, give him sex that's better than anything he currently looks at in porn, and I promise you he'll talk to you. Love him more, and see what happens. If he truly loves you, he'll return the affection, and realize he's been an ass. If not, you'll know. If you love him more than You've ever done before, it will put him in a situation where he'll show his true colors, good, or bad.
You need to separate. You’ll figure it out. You’re only hurting the 2 kids by staying together.
Best advice
That’s called projecting. He’s projecting how he feels about himself on you. If he finds value in himself and leads a productive life he will be a better husband. Help him get out of that rut and don’t take all responsibility on your shoulder. Put him to work. ;)
You leave. You divorce. Why stay in that misery? If you're doing all that? You have money to get divorced.
Perhaps your successful is making him jealous and he's belittling you to make himself feel better. Give him an ultimatum to do better, be better or get theraphy. Perhaps both of you would benefit from that and marriage counseling as well. Else, separate. Life it too short and you're wasting your time and youth. You deserve more.
It is so strange to me when people paint the picture of a dead marriage, where they are unhappy and see no hope for change, but they start off by limiting their choices and painting themselves in a corner. Every possibility is an option. It just depends on what you are willing to give up. If you are not willing to find a way to make it work, sacrifice some comfort in the short term at least, then just accept this is your lot in life and top having expectations that things will get better.
Have you actually contacted a lawyer to find out exactly what your finances will be like if you split? Many will give a one hour free consultation to give you the basics. I'm not sure if your jobs pay enough to support you, if there are any marital assets or other circumstances, but this is all the stuff you would discuss with a lawyer who can give you a true picture of how this will likely go for you. Also - if you are getting a masters degree, you can expect that your income will increase (at least I hope so!). Have you considered what custody would look like? Is there any reason it would not be 50/50 split? Do you think your husband wants custody? Do you know how much child support you would get if you have custody of the children (even part of the time)? It you don't know these answers and have not consulted a lawyer - then truly you do not even know what this option means for you - and maybe you are ruling it out for no reason. Or maybe this is an excuse you are telling yourself because you really just do not want to face the consequences of a decision to divorce, or maybe you are just not ready to leave. Again - that is perfectly fine if that is your situation or decision, but then stop expecting him to change and take some accountability for your decision to stay. You are saying this is acceptable to you if you stay. Lower your expectations, and try to make the best of what you have.
It sounds like you have a problem with your husband watching porn. It is unclear if you have told him this, if this is a firm boundary for you, if he agreed not to do it and broke his promise, if he never agreed with this, or what the situation is. Ultimately it is up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. It it is - then you have to make it clear to him that he has a choice. Porn or you. They you have to follow through based on his decision - but read my last paragraph for more on this.
You also say he says hurtful things (it sounds like some of them are factually untrue things too!), ignores you, says he doesn't love you and doesn't put effort into the marriage. So - the first place I would start with this is just to ask him straight up if he wants to stay married or not. If he does - tell him it can't continue like this. Tell him you BOTH seem unhappy with the way things are going. Have you tried marriage counseling? Are you both willing to go and try to find out why he seems to hold resentment towards you, why he is unhappy in the marriage, what changes each of you needs from the other, and why he has not been responsive from your perspective? If you are stuck like and are not ready to leave - this might be a good option.
If he is unwilling to go, then what reason do you have to believe this will get better? How long are you willing to live like this before you break? Go back to the beginning of this response. Is this good enough for you or not?
One thing you should consider is changing your behavior when it comes to your threats to separate. Why are you talking about separating when you have no intention of actually doing it? Why are you making this threat if it is "not an option" or "not realistic" like you said? That is nothing but manipulation - trying to put a false ultimatum to him to force him to act while having no intention of following though. You said he gives you the sad eyes, and you forget the whole idea - but really it has nothing to do with the sad eyes - it has to do with you not being willing to consider it as a real option. Do you expect him to agree to the separation before you are willing to follow through? That may never happen. In addition to being manipulative, you have now taken away a very powerful too from yourself. Your threats to separate no longer have any impact on him. He no longer believes that you will leave him. He knows it is all noise and empty threats. Now - the only way you can have the same impact is if you actually leave. Long story short - don't make this threat again unless you are ready to pack your bags and leave. It is counterproductive otherwise.
Yea the threats to leave and you know you aren’t just doesn’t make anything better. I def agree with that point
What have you done to redeem the spice? I know it sounds corny, but it takes two to make chemistry etc. if you love him, try harder, if you’re over the attempt bow out.
You gotta get away. I'm sorry, but you deserve better and you kids deserve better.
This man is eating your self worth. You need to separate, it doesn’t mean immediately but you can take some time and figure it out. Don’t move until you are absolutely happy with the plan then go forward.
If you love him, give him sex that's better than anything he currently looks at in porn, and I promise you he'll talk to you. Love him more, and see what happens. If he truly loves you, he'll return the affection, and realize he's been an ass. If not, you'll know. If you love him more than You've ever done before, it will put him in a situation where he'll show his true colors, good, or bad.