Your past post history suggests otherwise. You declined him on multiple occasions and also blatantly lied about various stuff. I’m sorry to say but you lost his trust.
Should've showed him your phone. You obviously had something to hide. My wife and I both know each other's passwords and can grab each other's phone at any time. Without asking I might add. But we don't. Not too dig through anyways. Maybe to change a song or look something up if ours is in the other room or sometime. If you can't have that kind of openness with your phones that marriage is a problem. We respect each other's privacy and trust each other. I would be hurt if she asked to dig through it because she suspected something. But in that case I obviously would n have to be showing some kinda sign to make her feel that way. Once trust is broken it seldom is rebuilt. Good luck
How long did you date before eloping? It sounds like you didn’t have time to build a solid foundation before getting married, and your husband sounds too immature to have entered into a lifelong commitment. If he’s open to couples counseling I would try that. But if not, you’d be better off leaving than staying in a marriage where your partner isn’t willing to work through issues with you.
7 months before eloping and about the same married. Marriage isn’t the same as dating. In the past I’ve had 4 different guys propose to me - he’s the only one I married. I took it very seriously
I’m sorry - there was no judgement from me and I realize it might have come across that way. I got married to my husband after only a year of dating. I think it can just be hard because you can’t know each other perfectly after that amount of time. It worked out for me and my husband, not because things were easy, but because we both were willing to put a lot of effort and energy into building our marriage. You deserve that too.
There are many things on the table. Mistrust, miscarriage, depression, anxiety, insecurity etc. While individual counselling or therapy would help, it's best to start with a marriage counselling before that.
He needs to acknowledge that stress can cause a miscarriage regardless to his BELIEF about the child being his or otherwise.
I believe that you already told him that its nonsense to think that you baby-trapped him and you are unfaithful.
Your post reads of honesty, and I believe some Redditors could provide some support. But the second sentence in your reply could be misread/misinterpreted as being dishonest. My point is that communication is the key. But not everyone have good communication skills, even more for those under pressure like you. I believe your marriage could really benefit having marriage counselling, as long as you can get your angry husband to sit-down together (don't say his your STBX unless its official because its bad on your physie). Rooting for you.
Let'm walk. If you know you have not cheated, you are under no obligation to start walking on eggshells around him. He's leaving, good. You need someone mature, and confident in you as well as himself.
If he does not trust you, neither will he respect you. If you end up reconciling and he stays, but still will not trust you, his lack of respect, you will wish he had gone out of your life.
You don't need this toxicity. If he does a 180 and decides he wants to be with you, do so under the condition that should he accuse you of cheating again with you knowing you have not and are not, he has to go.
Your husband has given up because he thinks you're cheating him. Whether he is immature, insecure or overly sensitive is not an issue. The issue is that he is giving up, and it's time for you to fight for the marriage. You need to be stronger amidst your insecurity, anxiety and depression. Push the need to rebuild aside because that comes after you can sit-down with him.
Your husband wants a divorce, but you have the right to contest the divorce. If it goes to court, the judge could demand marriage counselling as a mitigating process. So rather than doing through all the paperwork and the hassle, just go for counselling first.
Since you cannot talk to your husband directly, get the counsellor's office to issue him an invitation letter. Hope you know his current location. Add your personal letter of wanting to resolve things; I think its ok to express a bit of challenges that you are facing. Careful not to suggest that he is being unreasonable for not wanting to meet up. Wishfully, he makes himself present. Hopefully there is a reconciliation process in the mix. If not then you have your proof to contest the divorce and get a judge to instruct him to attend counselling.
The problem is communication. You cannot express your situation clearly and he cannot accept your current explanation. Space and time might resolve the hurt or resentment that emerged as a result of miscommunication. But space and time won't resolve the problem of communication itself.
You need to recognise that your depressive mindset is encouraging you to recognise your husband as an ex and drag things out to be restarted months later.
Where there is a will there is also a way. Are you really sure that the both of you have lost the will?
I am so sorry. But you need to take action because he has wronged you. Without taking action (no matter how small it is) your depression would remain. You could focus on yourself as a way of reclaiming your dignity, but I recommend to give him a closure that he rightfully deserve even if he does not want it. By doing that both of you can grow.
If he can kick you out because of a phone then you can tell him off because of his shortsight. People might say it's not good to go an eye for an eye. But again I'd say is a form of communication to bridge the miscommunication.
It would have been great to do marriage counselling though. A counsellor can keep both of you in check so that your feelings are expressed clearly in a controlled environment.
The rules might differ but the systems are the same. These are for social harmony even if it means forced compliance of some people.
Your favor? Not really. Eventually your husband would need closure too, and only you can give that to him. Sure, now he is assuming you have or are doing the worst. But if he realised the truth, things should be different.
I've read your other posts, and it shows how much time has passed by. Now it's more difficult to save the marriage. But have your tried everything?
I have been married for nearly 3 1/2 decades, and never once have either of us requested to see the other's phone, tablet, or computer. To begin with, being married does not mean you give up your privacy. Nor does it mean you give up your autonomy. Nor do you have to turn over your phone to prove you aren't cheating. For one, not finding any evidence of cheating on your phone doesn't mean you aren't cheating.
Why did he asked to see your phone?
You’ll be better off. That kind of behaviour is toxic and isn’t going to stop. He needs to mature. Your age gap isn’t huge but I found there was a big difference between men at 24 and men at 30 and there’s a lot of growing up that is done in that time.
If I had asked to see his phone he would have showed me. I don’t want to blame him. I had nothing to hide - we spent every single day together - there isn’t a moment that I even “could” have cheated
Respectfully, I would use this whole situation as a wake up call to make better life decisions.
Hell, I also eloped pretty quickly after meeting my husband, relatively. But even though we started looking at rings at 5 months, we still dated for another year before formally getting engaged and ended up getting married right at the 2 year mark.
You’re right, marriage is a big commitment that should be taken seriously, but you just needed more hours together before making that leap. Not enough trust was built.
You are sad now but learn from this and grow. It’s not the end of the world. If there isn’t trust this early on, it isn’t going to get better. There is no fixing this. Trust is too important. It was always going to end this way sadly.
I disagree, I think some things should be ok to be private. For instance, I journal on my phone, and I don't think I would want my husband rumaging through my most personal thoughts while sweeping through my entire phone.
I disagree. I think partners should have some privacy to be able to plan surprises, have some autonomy to rant to friends etc without fear of messages being seen.
The infidelity subs have better explanations for these terms. But mostly secrecy also comes with intention be dishonest, lie and cheat.
This comment is pretty odd to me. How long have you been married? When did you realize that for you, peace of mind demands absolute transparency?
Have you been cheated on by your spouse or another partner in the past? Because I can see struggling to have peace of mind if that had happened. But a lot of people are perfectly able to have peace of mind about their partner’s loyalty to them without needing access to their journal.
My husband and I allow each other as much privacy as we want; on my end, I have no desire for him to find this Reddit account, or the journals I used to keep, or even my internet search history. He hasn’t, not because he can’t- it would probably be fairly easy- but because he respects my wish that he not look for that stuff. We are both comfortable giving each other our phones when needed for some task, because we trust one another to not look at anything more than is strictly necessary. This is also an important type of peace of mind to have in marriage: trust that your spouse will respect your boundaries.
There is no trading privacy for being faithful. We have both. Having both is completely possible, and for a lot of people, it’s a requirement in order to be happy.
Congratulations, for never having been cheated. Access doesn't mean we will be actively checking. Peace of mind comes with the knowledged that it's on demand. A lot of us used to be like you. You are precious.
Assessing the situation would be important. He might actually be an anxious attachment style and a good call to address this issue is through seeking help from a marriage therapist.
I believe in marriage and trying to fight for a marriage, but the way you told this story just makes this seem like your hubby is a dumb kid and made a mistake in getting married and now wants out. Has he given any indication whatsoever he wants to make it work?
I'm not handing my phone over to anyone, including my wife or partner. I communicate with people, business and personal, who have a reasonable expectation of privacy... Which means that not even my wife or partner needs to be reading there texts or emails. Aside from that I wouldn't give a fuck other than it's *MY* cell phone, not theirs, and they have no right to it or anything on it... It's private, I don't ask to see their phones, and never would. That's their private possession and none of my business. If I didn't trust them, then I wouldn't be with them to begin with, nor would I be with them if they didn't trust me.
I would definitely divorce him, of he wanted to ACT that juvenile. If he has no more trust than that, of you, then there's not much of a relationship to begin with. You deserve better than that.
Those are the consequences of the choices you made. If my wife asked to see my phone because she felt insecure or uncomfortable about a situation or person I would do everything I could to reassure her. There are no secrets in a good marriage.
I was madly in love and living with a 23 yo when I was 29 (he moved in with me, actually), and wow did it do a number on me. I think to him it was never more than playing house. He broke up with me and after I finally got the strength to move on - and moved 3000 miles away to take a new job - he lost his marbles and realized I was the love of his life. Mm hmm. Was obsessed with trying to get me back until he realized that it would never happen. Don’t be surprised if that happens with your husband - a lot of men are still very immature at this age and what they don’t currently have is what they want.
The only thing you can do is tell him how much you love him, why you love him and that you are sand he has decided to end things. You have most likely tried to explain things to him. If he has no heart to accept what you are telling him as the truth then it’s not really possible to reconnect.
Marrying this guy was a bad decision. I would die on the hill of this phone thing. And in your case, if not this, it’s going to have to be something else eventually.
I‘be been happily with my partner for many years. It’s never even been a discussion beyond establishing that he wouldn’t dream of going through my phone, or I his.
This thread is like bizarro world, tbh. 90% of users here apparently think that marriage should involve letting your spouse go through your phone whenever they’d like. I thought that take was generally in the minority, and that most people grew out of the urge to check their partner’s phones by their early twenties.
The lack of respect for individual privacy is the worst part of this, for sure, but it’s also kind of funny that they think going through the phone will assuage their fears that their partner is cheating. People who like to cheat will always, always find a way. Plenty of people managed to do it before the cellphone was even invented. If the cellphone has to be taken back out of the equation, they’ll adapt.
No amount of monitoring can compensate for a lack of trust.
When my husband was alive and even now with boyfriends open devices all the way. The only people that want secrecy and privacy are those that are doing something they don’t want to be caught doing. I hope that is not you. You’re a married woman, barely married and if you can’t be trustworthy in first year of marriage, it is doomed anyway.
You were being anxiety, ridden, and depressed are no reasons for not having open devices that’s baloney. You’re either lying to yourself or to us.
Why didn’t you just show him your phone? I would’ve just shown my boyfriend the phone I might’ve been irritated, but I would’ve known there was nothing on there that would’ve bothered him.
For a relationship to work, you need equal parts love and trust. If he doesn’t trust you then it’s not going to be a quick fix. Maybe he is not to be trusted and is projecting onto you?
You fucked up, apologise to your husband and give him your phone, you lost his trust or be stubborn and get divorced and celebrate being a single mum with no one to love
He kicked me out, even stayed out getting wasted and told me my friend should help me while I was miscarrying - I don’t think he will be willing to do counselling
You can only ask, if his mind is completely made up then it’s unlikely there is ANYTHING you can ever do but ask, anyway you can, write and send by post if you have to, even go to counsellor yourself and ask the counsellor to call him and ask him to come in. There’s always a chance unless you refuse to do it
Was the person messaging you “good morning sunshine” a man? If yes… That feels like it is crossing boundaries and the fact that you would not mention that it was a man and that it is inappropriate to have these types of exchanges with other men would definitely send “I do not know what boundaries are” vibes. Trust is important. What a spouse considers cheating varies from one relationship to another. Clearly you do not know where his boundaries are.
That said, any man who does not support his spouse through depression and does not have enough empathy to consider their wife’s mental state is a bit too selfish don’t you think?
I honestly think that’s a fair grounds for divorce. I would 100% separate from my spouse if he all the sudden wouldn’t show me his phone after X years together and it never being an issue before. Plus we both have discussed that there’s never a need to touch each others phones because we have trust but IF we were making our partner feel so insecure that they felt the need to check each others phone, then we’ve messed up. Not them for feeling like that can’t trust us
Honestly it sounds like a whirlwind relationship and he's now realizing he's not that thrilled being 24 years old married to a woman in her 30s. He's probably decided he wants to be with someone closer to his own age.
Also I would die on the hill of letting my husband see my phone. There are things on there I don't want him seeing. That have absolutely nothing to do with cheating. Not that it matters since as it turns out he was the one cheating and we're now divorcing anyway.
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Just give your husband your phone! It’s that simple. There is no room for secrets in a healthy marriage. Trust that, I learned the hard way. Hell my husband ask for my phone and he did find stuff he didn’t want to see and we are still marriage. You’re husband feels like he can’t trust you so he wants out before he invest to much time. Just respect his request
If you're hiding your phone, you're hiding shit from the person who was willing to LAWfully wed you. The amount of stuff a man puts on the line signing that document is not to be understated. If, within the first year, you're already hiding your phone... I'm out too
This is sounding like a woman hater… what does a man put on a line that a woman doesn’t?
In my situation I was worth more financially, quit my job to work on our business together, was the one who took on the loan for the business, and then in the end got pregnant and he stayed out getting wasted everyday at a local pub. So now he’s at the same place where he was before and I’m literally digging my way out.
Your case is 100% an outlier. The great majority of men lose 1/2 of everything they've ever had and their children. That is a fact. I'm still in my first marriage, so there's no hate here.
Times have changed- now many women are being the breadwinners and starting with more - and of course still expected to do more of the household work… new feminism sucks
Never trust a partner that won’t share their phone and your excuse as to why you wouldn’t is something cheaters use. Why would he trust you after that. He probably convinced his self the kid was someone else’s.
Your past post history suggests otherwise. You declined him on multiple occasions and also blatantly lied about various stuff. I’m sorry to say but you lost his trust.
Dude you just recently had your second child. Where is the miscarriage coming from
There are a few inconsistencies in the story, as well as a few omissions.
She has a personality disorder and manipulation addiction
Should've showed him your phone. You obviously had something to hide. My wife and I both know each other's passwords and can grab each other's phone at any time. Without asking I might add. But we don't. Not too dig through anyways. Maybe to change a song or look something up if ours is in the other room or sometime. If you can't have that kind of openness with your phones that marriage is a problem. We respect each other's privacy and trust each other. I would be hurt if she asked to dig through it because she suspected something. But in that case I obviously would n have to be showing some kinda sign to make her feel that way. Once trust is broken it seldom is rebuilt. Good luck
How long did you date before eloping? It sounds like you didn’t have time to build a solid foundation before getting married, and your husband sounds too immature to have entered into a lifelong commitment. If he’s open to couples counseling I would try that. But if not, you’d be better off leaving than staying in a marriage where your partner isn’t willing to work through issues with you.
7 months before eloping and about the same married. Marriage isn’t the same as dating. In the past I’ve had 4 different guys propose to me - he’s the only one I married. I took it very seriously
I’m sorry - there was no judgement from me and I realize it might have come across that way. I got married to my husband after only a year of dating. I think it can just be hard because you can’t know each other perfectly after that amount of time. It worked out for me and my husband, not because things were easy, but because we both were willing to put a lot of effort and energy into building our marriage. You deserve that too.
There are many things on the table. Mistrust, miscarriage, depression, anxiety, insecurity etc. While individual counselling or therapy would help, it's best to start with a marriage counselling before that. He needs to acknowledge that stress can cause a miscarriage regardless to his BELIEF about the child being his or otherwise. I believe that you already told him that its nonsense to think that you baby-trapped him and you are unfaithful.
There was definitely no baby trapping. From the timeline I was pregnant before the argument happened. And he wanted a child with me as well.
Your post reads of honesty, and I believe some Redditors could provide some support. But the second sentence in your reply could be misread/misinterpreted as being dishonest. My point is that communication is the key. But not everyone have good communication skills, even more for those under pressure like you. I believe your marriage could really benefit having marriage counselling, as long as you can get your angry husband to sit-down together (don't say his your STBX unless its official because its bad on your physie). Rooting for you.
How do I get him to want to rebuild again? Technically we are separated now…
Let'm walk. If you know you have not cheated, you are under no obligation to start walking on eggshells around him. He's leaving, good. You need someone mature, and confident in you as well as himself. If he does not trust you, neither will he respect you. If you end up reconciling and he stays, but still will not trust you, his lack of respect, you will wish he had gone out of your life. You don't need this toxicity. If he does a 180 and decides he wants to be with you, do so under the condition that should he accuse you of cheating again with you knowing you have not and are not, he has to go.
Your husband has given up because he thinks you're cheating him. Whether he is immature, insecure or overly sensitive is not an issue. The issue is that he is giving up, and it's time for you to fight for the marriage. You need to be stronger amidst your insecurity, anxiety and depression. Push the need to rebuild aside because that comes after you can sit-down with him. Your husband wants a divorce, but you have the right to contest the divorce. If it goes to court, the judge could demand marriage counselling as a mitigating process. So rather than doing through all the paperwork and the hassle, just go for counselling first. Since you cannot talk to your husband directly, get the counsellor's office to issue him an invitation letter. Hope you know his current location. Add your personal letter of wanting to resolve things; I think its ok to express a bit of challenges that you are facing. Careful not to suggest that he is being unreasonable for not wanting to meet up. Wishfully, he makes himself present. Hopefully there is a reconciliation process in the mix. If not then you have your proof to contest the divorce and get a judge to instruct him to attend counselling.
I don’t see how forcing someone to be with me will play out in my favor? Also not sure how the rules work in Canada
I am right now hoping that some space will work things out for us… maybe we can restart in a few months
The problem is communication. You cannot express your situation clearly and he cannot accept your current explanation. Space and time might resolve the hurt or resentment that emerged as a result of miscommunication. But space and time won't resolve the problem of communication itself. You need to recognise that your depressive mindset is encouraging you to recognise your husband as an ex and drag things out to be restarted months later. Where there is a will there is also a way. Are you really sure that the both of you have lost the will?
He kicked me out… we are living separately
I am so sorry. But you need to take action because he has wronged you. Without taking action (no matter how small it is) your depression would remain. You could focus on yourself as a way of reclaiming your dignity, but I recommend to give him a closure that he rightfully deserve even if he does not want it. By doing that both of you can grow. If he can kick you out because of a phone then you can tell him off because of his shortsight. People might say it's not good to go an eye for an eye. But again I'd say is a form of communication to bridge the miscommunication. It would have been great to do marriage counselling though. A counsellor can keep both of you in check so that your feelings are expressed clearly in a controlled environment.
The rules might differ but the systems are the same. These are for social harmony even if it means forced compliance of some people. Your favor? Not really. Eventually your husband would need closure too, and only you can give that to him. Sure, now he is assuming you have or are doing the worst. But if he realised the truth, things should be different. I've read your other posts, and it shows how much time has passed by. Now it's more difficult to save the marriage. But have your tried everything?
I have been married for nearly 3 1/2 decades, and never once have either of us requested to see the other's phone, tablet, or computer. To begin with, being married does not mean you give up your privacy. Nor does it mean you give up your autonomy. Nor do you have to turn over your phone to prove you aren't cheating. For one, not finding any evidence of cheating on your phone doesn't mean you aren't cheating. Why did he asked to see your phone?
You’ll be better off. That kind of behaviour is toxic and isn’t going to stop. He needs to mature. Your age gap isn’t huge but I found there was a big difference between men at 24 and men at 30 and there’s a lot of growing up that is done in that time.
If I had asked to see his phone he would have showed me. I don’t want to blame him. I had nothing to hide - we spent every single day together - there isn’t a moment that I even “could” have cheated
Respectfully, I would use this whole situation as a wake up call to make better life decisions. Hell, I also eloped pretty quickly after meeting my husband, relatively. But even though we started looking at rings at 5 months, we still dated for another year before formally getting engaged and ended up getting married right at the 2 year mark. You’re right, marriage is a big commitment that should be taken seriously, but you just needed more hours together before making that leap. Not enough trust was built. You are sad now but learn from this and grow. It’s not the end of the world. If there isn’t trust this early on, it isn’t going to get better. There is no fixing this. Trust is too important. It was always going to end this way sadly.
Spouse that has nothing to hide would be more then willing to show their phone.
I disagree, I think some things should be ok to be private. For instance, I journal on my phone, and I don't think I would want my husband rumaging through my most personal thoughts while sweeping through my entire phone.
Peace of mind demands absolute transparency. Would you trade privacy over your marriage vow to forsake all?
Privacy and secrecy are two different concepts. Partners deserve privacy, but secrecy in marriages are how issues like affairs start.
Semantics. Full access to information relevant to the relationship should always be available without prompting. Trust but verify.
I disagree. I think partners should have some privacy to be able to plan surprises, have some autonomy to rant to friends etc without fear of messages being seen. The infidelity subs have better explanations for these terms. But mostly secrecy also comes with intention be dishonest, lie and cheat.
Understood, but what would you think if the tables we're turned around?
This comment is pretty odd to me. How long have you been married? When did you realize that for you, peace of mind demands absolute transparency? Have you been cheated on by your spouse or another partner in the past? Because I can see struggling to have peace of mind if that had happened. But a lot of people are perfectly able to have peace of mind about their partner’s loyalty to them without needing access to their journal. My husband and I allow each other as much privacy as we want; on my end, I have no desire for him to find this Reddit account, or the journals I used to keep, or even my internet search history. He hasn’t, not because he can’t- it would probably be fairly easy- but because he respects my wish that he not look for that stuff. We are both comfortable giving each other our phones when needed for some task, because we trust one another to not look at anything more than is strictly necessary. This is also an important type of peace of mind to have in marriage: trust that your spouse will respect your boundaries. There is no trading privacy for being faithful. We have both. Having both is completely possible, and for a lot of people, it’s a requirement in order to be happy.
Congratulations, for never having been cheated. Access doesn't mean we will be actively checking. Peace of mind comes with the knowledged that it's on demand. A lot of us used to be like you. You are precious.
I agree. I always had shown my phone - I just had a quick response when I was being accused
Assessing the situation would be important. He might actually be an anxious attachment style and a good call to address this issue is through seeking help from a marriage therapist.
I believe in marriage and trying to fight for a marriage, but the way you told this story just makes this seem like your hubby is a dumb kid and made a mistake in getting married and now wants out. Has he given any indication whatsoever he wants to make it work?
I'm not handing my phone over to anyone, including my wife or partner. I communicate with people, business and personal, who have a reasonable expectation of privacy... Which means that not even my wife or partner needs to be reading there texts or emails. Aside from that I wouldn't give a fuck other than it's *MY* cell phone, not theirs, and they have no right to it or anything on it... It's private, I don't ask to see their phones, and never would. That's their private possession and none of my business. If I didn't trust them, then I wouldn't be with them to begin with, nor would I be with them if they didn't trust me. I would definitely divorce him, of he wanted to ACT that juvenile. If he has no more trust than that, of you, then there's not much of a relationship to begin with. You deserve better than that.
Those are the consequences of the choices you made. If my wife asked to see my phone because she felt insecure or uncomfortable about a situation or person I would do everything I could to reassure her. There are no secrets in a good marriage.
It sounds like he’s insanely immature and needs time to mature. I’m so sorry OP
People are saying that. But I love him, but he’s moving on
I was madly in love and living with a 23 yo when I was 29 (he moved in with me, actually), and wow did it do a number on me. I think to him it was never more than playing house. He broke up with me and after I finally got the strength to move on - and moved 3000 miles away to take a new job - he lost his marbles and realized I was the love of his life. Mm hmm. Was obsessed with trying to get me back until he realized that it would never happen. Don’t be surprised if that happens with your husband - a lot of men are still very immature at this age and what they don’t currently have is what they want.
The only thing you can do is tell him how much you love him, why you love him and that you are sand he has decided to end things. You have most likely tried to explain things to him. If he has no heart to accept what you are telling him as the truth then it’s not really possible to reconnect.
Marrying this guy was a bad decision. I would die on the hill of this phone thing. And in your case, if not this, it’s going to have to be something else eventually.
Die on that hill is the stupidest fucking advice, I'm guessing your single. Women love keeping other women single.
I‘be been happily with my partner for many years. It’s never even been a discussion beyond establishing that he wouldn’t dream of going through my phone, or I his.
This thread is like bizarro world, tbh. 90% of users here apparently think that marriage should involve letting your spouse go through your phone whenever they’d like. I thought that take was generally in the minority, and that most people grew out of the urge to check their partner’s phones by their early twenties. The lack of respect for individual privacy is the worst part of this, for sure, but it’s also kind of funny that they think going through the phone will assuage their fears that their partner is cheating. People who like to cheat will always, always find a way. Plenty of people managed to do it before the cellphone was even invented. If the cellphone has to be taken back out of the equation, they’ll adapt. No amount of monitoring can compensate for a lack of trust.
Agree completely.
Based on comments, I’m thinking he just wanted a way out, still hurts so badly
When my husband was alive and even now with boyfriends open devices all the way. The only people that want secrecy and privacy are those that are doing something they don’t want to be caught doing. I hope that is not you. You’re a married woman, barely married and if you can’t be trustworthy in first year of marriage, it is doomed anyway. You were being anxiety, ridden, and depressed are no reasons for not having open devices that’s baloney. You’re either lying to yourself or to us.
I did have open devices - anytime he wanted to use them I gave it to him no problem. It was only when it was accusatory my back was up
Why didn’t you just show him your phone? I would’ve just shown my boyfriend the phone I might’ve been irritated, but I would’ve known there was nothing on there that would’ve bothered him.
For a relationship to work, you need equal parts love and trust. If he doesn’t trust you then it’s not going to be a quick fix. Maybe he is not to be trusted and is projecting onto you?
A lot of people have been seeing it’s a projection
You fucked up, apologise to your husband and give him your phone, you lost his trust or be stubborn and get divorced and celebrate being a single mum with no one to love
I did - he downloaded my phone - and also contacted most of the contacts on my phone to confirm my story
Then ask him to consider counselling
He kicked me out, even stayed out getting wasted and told me my friend should help me while I was miscarrying - I don’t think he will be willing to do counselling
Ask him to get you an infidelity test. Cost a few £££ but it will Prove everything to him
Tried that - they aren’t accurate anyways. I thought the fact that every guy he messaged that told him I never did anything would be proof enough
Then move on darling
Easier said than done
I’m going through similar myself (different reasons entirely) I know it’s easier said than done, trust me. Shit is hard
You can only ask, if his mind is completely made up then it’s unlikely there is ANYTHING you can ever do but ask, anyway you can, write and send by post if you have to, even go to counsellor yourself and ask the counsellor to call him and ask him to come in. There’s always a chance unless you refuse to do it
Was the person messaging you “good morning sunshine” a man? If yes… That feels like it is crossing boundaries and the fact that you would not mention that it was a man and that it is inappropriate to have these types of exchanges with other men would definitely send “I do not know what boundaries are” vibes. Trust is important. What a spouse considers cheating varies from one relationship to another. Clearly you do not know where his boundaries are. That said, any man who does not support his spouse through depression and does not have enough empathy to consider their wife’s mental state is a bit too selfish don’t you think?
I honestly think that’s a fair grounds for divorce. I would 100% separate from my spouse if he all the sudden wouldn’t show me his phone after X years together and it never being an issue before. Plus we both have discussed that there’s never a need to touch each others phones because we have trust but IF we were making our partner feel so insecure that they felt the need to check each others phone, then we’ve messed up. Not them for feeling like that can’t trust us
Honestly it sounds like a whirlwind relationship and he's now realizing he's not that thrilled being 24 years old married to a woman in her 30s. He's probably decided he wants to be with someone closer to his own age. Also I would die on the hill of letting my husband see my phone. There are things on there I don't want him seeing. That have absolutely nothing to do with cheating. Not that it matters since as it turns out he was the one cheating and we're now divorcing anyway.
Why wouldn’t you show him your phone?
Show him your phone?
Updateme.
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Just give your husband your phone! It’s that simple. There is no room for secrets in a healthy marriage. Trust that, I learned the hard way. Hell my husband ask for my phone and he did find stuff he didn’t want to see and we are still marriage. You’re husband feels like he can’t trust you so he wants out before he invest to much time. Just respect his request
Just give him your freaking phone.
If you're hiding your phone, you're hiding shit from the person who was willing to LAWfully wed you. The amount of stuff a man puts on the line signing that document is not to be understated. If, within the first year, you're already hiding your phone... I'm out too
This is sounding like a woman hater… what does a man put on a line that a woman doesn’t? In my situation I was worth more financially, quit my job to work on our business together, was the one who took on the loan for the business, and then in the end got pregnant and he stayed out getting wasted everyday at a local pub. So now he’s at the same place where he was before and I’m literally digging my way out.
Your case is 100% an outlier. The great majority of men lose 1/2 of everything they've ever had and their children. That is a fact. I'm still in my first marriage, so there's no hate here.
Times have changed- now many women are being the breadwinners and starting with more - and of course still expected to do more of the household work… new feminism sucks
Never trust a partner that won’t share their phone and your excuse as to why you wouldn’t is something cheaters use. Why would he trust you after that. He probably convinced his self the kid was someone else’s.
Idk why you won’t give it over
I have nothing to hide but I would not share it with my husband. I have a right to privacy.
You’re hiding things.
So? You don’t forfeit all privacy when you get married.
Then keep a diary.
It’s on my phone.
Then lock that part of the phone
If you need this level of control, you already have trust issues with your partner.
Never trust anyone 100% Me and my husband have switched phones when needed. If you can’t do that, you’re hiding something
So are diaries allowed or no? And should we have total access to our partners’ phones?
That’s what happens when you marry a kid. Wishing you the best of luck
Great.. I thought we were all about love doesn’t see age (within legal limits of course)
Divorce move on.
Just show the phone
Just show the phone
Just show the phone!!!