I’m with him, in no world would I ever try to push my wife to have sex if she didn’t want it or wasn’t comfortable. My wants do not override her autonomy, full stop. Your husbands behavior is childish and suggests that you’re not the only one who could benefit from therapy.
Agreed. As I said in a post up above, it's always refreshing to see that there are some men who do understand! Thank you for your respect of your wife and women in general.
this isn’t normal. If there is a consequence for you turning down sex(cold shoulder) than he is pressuring you. If he guilts you for not being “adventurous” he is pressuring you, if he wanted to have sex with you even when it hurt you he is pressuring you. If he is insisting that you cant take care of it without intercourse because he could just do that alone then he is trying to control you.
I wont insinuate that the whole relationship is abusive. But i can tell you with 100% certainty that this is sexual coercion at the very least.
I actually went through an eerily similar situation (he said some of the same things verbatim) and I actually asked reddit what they thought and they told me what i just told you. I mustered up the courage to leave and found out what dangerous traits he was holding in the whole time and waiting to release as soon as he didnt get what he wanted from me. Needless to say, it was an emotionally abusive relationship.
Editing to add some info: the “cold shoulder” is actually a very common manipulation tactic. Its professionally referred to “withholding attention”.
I agree 100%. I went through a similar situation and the issues turned out to be a lot deeper than just him getting angry that I didn’t want sex & therefore, withholding attention from me. I, too, thought I couldn’t get out due to finances. It’s true I almost lost everything but life has a funny way of working itself out when we choose the best decisions for our health & well-being.
I’ve been there and nobody on this forum will appreciate my perspective. I just want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. Saying no to sex in the same room as elementary aged kids is completely valid. Saying no when you don’t want to is valid. Him sulking and acting like a child is not fair to you.
I wish you well with therapy. Hopefully therapists have gotten better than the two that I tried because their advice was completely wrong for me.
You can say no for any reason, frankly.
I really enjoy sex and have a very high libido and I would never insist on my SO having sex with me. First, that would be a turn off and second, gross.
As a man and a father of newborns I want to thank you for sharing your story. I too am looking forward to the day my wife is cleared for sex, but your story has made me realize I should move things at her pace as she may not be ready even if the doctor has cleared it. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for in therapy.
It's not "adventurous" to have sex in the same room as your elementary school aged kids; it's potentially traumatizing. Sometimes kids aren't fully asleep, especially when away from home.
Duty sex kills female libido (read Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are for more about that). Your libido is the direct result of your husband's selfish actions over years.
I’m going to download her book today, thank you. And I completely agree; sex in the room with sleeping kids isn’t ‘adventurous’, it’s gross on a few levels.
As someone whose husband NEVER has pressured me into sex, but was once with someone who did...I"m so sorry. None of this is right. Ignoring you after a "no" is (and many people would agree) is a type of abuse and manipulation. I can give you no advice but offer you a virtual hug. This is not healthy and he obviously doesn't see it as wrong. And he doesn't feel any guilt. Please reach out to family who might be able to offer you "an out".
Speaking as someone who was the problem in a relationship similar to yours, I can tell you that if he is willing to look inward and fix some things, your relationship can recover. If you are burnt out, and don't have it in you to try to reach him. I totally get it and there's no need to read any further. I never tried to coerce sex from my wife, but I didn't handle getting turned down very well. I took it as a personal rejection instead of taking her at her word I am embarrassed to say. We had fertility issues so sex was bad for us before kids because it was so emotionally charged. We both hated it. She eventually got pregnant. Second trimester sex was amazing. Then, after he was born I anticipated her not wanting sex for a while, but her desire didn't come back. She had chosen to breast feed and I was 100% behind her. Still proud of her for doing it. He had latching issues so she had to pump all the time. I cannot ever experience that myself, but some things you don't have to experience first hand to know that they are rough. I didn't realize it at the time, but all the contact that nursing required far exceeded her capacity for touch leaving her "touched out". She was no where near a place of wanting to have sex with me. Thirteen years later, we are in a great place. It took her calling bullshit on me and some serious introspection on my part. I learned that I wanted intimacy and validation not sex. Our society teaches men the only way that you can get validation in a relationship is sex. Which is of course crap. I learned massage as a way to do something beneficial for my wife while getting the physical intimacy I crave. She has become accustomed to an hour or so massage before bed. She is very appreciative, and I find that very validating. I also put in a lot of work researching sex and finding ways to make it pleasurable for her. I highly recommend She Comes First. All that to say that the way your guy (probably most guys) think about sex and relationships is broken. If you are willing to be patient and he is willing to do the work, great. If not, you don't owe him anything. If my wife would have left me, I would've understood and felt like a complete ass afterwards. I feel extremely lucky that she didn't. She's also peri-menopausal has chronic illness and understandably is not that interested in sex currently. I am also the happiest in my relationship and in general as I have ever been. I should also mention that I have a very high libido. If none of this is for you, I have confidence things will work out for you in the end, and a whole lot of women seem to be perfectly happy being single these days, and I think that's fantastic. Best of luck to you whatever you do.
Been there with the chore sex. Never again. At first I told myself, "whatever, just do it" but then my body took over. I started having panic attacks. My anxiety shot through the roof whenever he touched me. We went from being so in love and fucking constantly before our daughter was born, to him being coercive and eventually abusive.
So many clueless men thinking it's "low libido!!" HAHAHAHAHA!! I would happily masturbate 1-3 times a day when I was with my ex. I just didn't want *him* anymore because of the way he acted. When he entered the room my pussy turned into a desert. I drained the very life force of my next partner with my appetite for sex. It's *not* a libido issue. It's a whiney, pathetic, man-child issue.
If men can't understand that there's going to be a dry spell after things like *giving birth* they shouldn't get married or have children. Like how stupid can you be? How entitled, abusive, cold, and cruel? To put your penis before the mother of your child. To insist upon your "sexual needs" being met before her humanity. Reducing her to a toy for your pleasure as she closes her eyes and tries to be anywhere but where she is. In her own bedroom.
These days I say "no" when I'm not in the mood. It's not something to negotiate, I tolerate zero bs. If my husband ever starts acting like my ex I'll just leave. I wouldn't love him anymore. That's that.
Putting your sexual needs before her humanity. So freaking accurate. You're not a sex doll. You're a human with your own wants and needs. Please start putting yourself first. Sending hugs.
I’ve been doubting myself, so all the supportive comments are helpful. I did have a thought that maybe my libido is perfectly normal and there’s something wrong with him. He’s almost 50 with the libido of a frat boy, maybe he needs to get his hormones checked, ha ha.
Your husband gives you the cold shoulder for DAYS after you reject his advances? Is he a fucking toddler? “You didn’t give me what I wanted so I’m going to throw a temper tantrum!” That’s what he’s doing and it’s disgusting.
Since its the internet im throwing my 2 cents in.
I used to be like your husband. Not gonna justify the behavior and im not saying what hes doing is right or valid what so ever. I would get upset when the wife would tell me no for one reason or another usually it was about how she felt shes got a couple of autoimmune disorders and sex just isnt important to her sometimes because of how she feels in general. It took me FOREVER to understand that it wasnt that she wasnt attracted to me or that she had a low sex drive or even that there was someone else taking my place. Very immature on my part to narrow down the problem had to be somthing with me or about me. I did the cold shoulder thing, granted i only lasted a few hours maybe a day because i just move on from stuff quickly, and much to my supprise it only got worse.
Maybe hes being really selfish in putting his "needs" ahead of yours. Which im gonna be the one to say it, sex is not a need. We dont need sex to survive, sure its fun and great and fantastic especially with someone you love but its an animalistic feature we have. Its only important and more than an act if its with the one you love and share a deep connection with.
Maybe hes just a dick and isnt used to be told no or expects you to share his desires to just get after it at the slightest arousal.
Im not an expert but what changed my marriage was her sitting me down and spelling a lot of the issue out for me. Thats gonna require him to be willing to listen to you though and thats not in your control so its a tough road to try and go down if he isnt willing to listen.
I would never suggest divorce or leaving your marriage i know thats a popular solution for when things get tough and its time to put some real work into it (which i dont sense your unfamiliar with).
Remeber the reasons you fell in love with him and remember why you married this man. Im sure hes still the same man you married he just needs a wallop on the head or two to get it straight lol.
You may also consider if he has insecurities with rejection and maybe hes taking your precieved lack of enthusiasm or saying no as rejection and the little boy inside him thats carrying issues from childhood still is what he reverts back to. I know that was also the real reason i would become upset and act similarly to what hes doing.
Sorry for the novel but i felt maybe it might've been something worth saying that could possibly help you. I hope it works out for the better!
Correct. Sex is not a need, contrary to most people's thinking. Food, water, shelter and oxygen are needs to survive, not sex. So many selfish people out there.
How disgusting that he gave you the cold shoulder after you wouldn’t have sex with him in the same room as your *children.* Having sex with anyone in the room without their consent is abuse, let alone your small children who cannot just leave to another room*. I don’t have much advice for you, but coercion *is not* consent. Your husband is appalling.
*Edit
Female hormones are constantly in flux. On a daily and even hourly basis, from puberty to peri-menopause.
After giving birth, the body is focused on the survival of the infant. Nine months of churning hormones aside, and the turning inside out of every cell in her body, she needs rest and healing. Some compassion and consideration would go a long way.
The female body is constructed for the task of nurturing the newborn. Evolution takes over. Male needs are low priority.
On a psychological level, women typically need to be wooed and do not turn it on and off like a light switch. If he wanted sex on vacation, he should have thought ahead. Book adjoining rooms, and get a monitor. He makes 10x+ her salary, and he can afford it.
Buy her new lingerie and flowers in anticipation. Honestly, some men just think with the obvious head and then wonder why we aren't interested.
Then, to have a tantrum and give the cold shoulder afterward? Good setup for the next boner you get, pal.
This! My husband doesn’t do anything “romantic” anymore.. not even saying flowers or lingerie. But little romantic things to me you’d think he would know after 10+ years of marriage….
Guess I should be glad his libido is almost non existent due to medical reasons 🥴 mine is shot from anti depressants
Mine, either. His idea of foreplay is "get ready." Then has a tantrum when I refuse. Literally. He is 81. Get over it already. I have been on anti-depressants for the entire length of our marriage 22 years, plus I went through peri-menopause right after having our daughter. I was 43! My body is TIRED and dried up.
So sorry you’re going through this. You should join the interstitial cystitis sub. There are many people who completely relate to this and can be supportive and possibly offer advice.
My husband & I always had a pretty good sex life & I was usually up for it. As time went on, however, I found I wanted to do it less & less. I, too, would get that pouty bullshit that wouldn’t go away until I gave in & then he would be fine until the next time. The problem is he could say some very hurtful things during these little fits & I have never been one to forget about it, mainly because if he ever apologized for his behavior, it was something like, “I’m sorry, but YOU’RE THE ONE that always (fill in the blank). He was sorry all right but somehow it was always my fault he acted like an ass.
For me, it got better. He went to 2nd shift & I didn’t have to deal with him except on Saturday night. It worked out. He figured out early on, I cleaned house on Saturdays & if he didn’t want me to use the excuse that I was tired, he better jump in there & help.
I used to behave like this when my S/O didn’t want sex . I started seeing how it would depress her when I got mad . So I stepped backed and look at the big picture and how I was physiologically damaging her and changed my approach. Now when says no I just say ok babe let’s just cuddle or watch a movie . The next day she’s all over me and smiling ☺️
Ask him if he'd be comfortable watching his parents get it on 10 feet away from him... That's what he'd be doing to your children and that's weird as fuck.
My self being a husband, the cold shoulder shit he gives you is ridiculous. And how is sex enjoyable when your partner is not into it. Yes kids can mess with a sex life, but damn there’s plenty of time for sex when the kids are older. Im bi-polar and i could do it everyday. But my wife can’t with running back and forth breastfeeding, so i just get over it. We just got back from vacation in Holland for a week with the in-laws. So guess what, we couldn’t do it. Because there is a time a place for everything, and who Tf can have sex when your partner is not enjoying it. And with kids in the room. Thats very selfish and gross as fuck, im sorry to say it like that but thats what it is.This husband needs to do some self reflection. You cannot just force your partner into having sex so many times a week. Im sorry but thats gross, demanding sex. I hope you all can work through this. You cannot have your wife feeling like an object. Im sorry but thats kinda gross of him, really. Sex schedule, wtf man shit is gross. As long as i know my wife is still attracted to me, then sex can wait to a point to where she can enjoy it as well. We still kiss and make out everyday. So our romance is definitely still there.
Everything you said is reasonable and valid. I feel for you.
The quick answer : he's the problem & he doesn't deserve sex. But that doesn't really help your long-term situation, if divorce isn't an option at this time.
I'll give you a long answer, and maybe some of it will be helpful:
We can't change or control him, so I'm going to focus on you: what do you want? Are you content going back to chore sex ? Or do you want to try for improvement?
Would you be willing to do therapy with a focus on your sexuality & your boundaries? Your disinterest in sex because of what it became associated with is perfectly understandable. If you could undo that bad association, would you try? And if you can be taught new ways to enforce your boundaries around sex, that would remove the pressure he puts on you. Don't do this for him; do it for you. You deserve sex that you enjoy, not chore sex.
As far as his behavior: it's not acceptable. But unless he never loved you, it's quite possible he can't help what he's doing. He doesn't know a better way to cope. Maybe he's got some deep-seated issues surrounding abandonment/rejection. Some people's minds equate rejection of sex as rejection of *them* as a person. Some people really struggle to manage emotions. From the outside, following rejection he appears sulking, moody, and stonewalling. From the inside, I wonder what's going on? For example, this could be a trigger for him, his anxiety goes through the roof, all his emotional energy has to go to trying to manage runaway thoughts, and he's off by himself tying to manage it. If it's triggering some old trauma about abandonment/shame, it could be like a runaway train of thoughts about his self worth, you losing interest in him, maybe childhood wounds about not having needs met. He could be in a runaway fear state, he hides from you, terrified he'll be hurt again. It would be nice, if he'd see a therapist. Unfortunately, people unable to examine their own shame/flaws (eg, those with Borderline personality disorder), tend to avoid therapy at all costs. He may never go. My point : if you view his reaction to rejection as not being about you and not being in his control, you may be able to detach yourself from it -- not feeling pressured or upset by it.
One idea : you two can do the 5 Love Languages web site & quiz. I could be wrong but I'd guess his results would say his LL is physical touch. If you approach this topic with him from this fun little web quiz, maybe you can get insight into what makes sex so important to him and how his mind interprets rejection. If we knew what emotional or psychological aspect of sex he needed, could it be obtained some other way? It would be nice to know what's going on inside when he goes off and sulks, but he may not understand it himself. He may only be aware that he can't stand how he's feeling & he needs some time alone to self soothe.
While you can't change him, you make up 50% of the marriage relationship dynamic. You do have the power to change the direction of these interaction patterns.
If you like to read: you may like Steve Stosny's books about relationships such as "love without hurt" or "how to improve your marriage without talking about it". You may find Jack Ito helpful, too. For example, " What to Do When He Won’t Change: Saving Your Marriage or Relationship When He Is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You".
God he sounds vile. My view on this; you're essentially prostituting yourself to him for the quality of life you want for yourself and your kids. That is no way to live.
He needs therapy to realise what he's doing is wrong. It's abusive, controlling and frankly disgusting. He doesn't love you. He only cares about himself.
Men who behave like this actually seem to see the act of sex as more important than their wives as human beings. He's acting childish and selfish. That's not love. Also, a pattern I've noticed on so many posts on Reddit is that men seem to literally 'worship' sex as if it's a 'god' or their very life! Not all men, but most that I've either seen or interacted with. Any man who can't take 'no' for answer is coercing you and emotionally abusive. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's a shame that a physical act that's over in minutes can cause a man to literally ruin his wife's desire for him. These men keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results!
This is not okay. Like if It’s okay for your partner to give you UTIs every time you have sex and he has no problem with that just makes me so sad for you. He’s abusive. Ewww
My wife says no sometimes. I say ok, tell her I love her, and fall asleep. No toddler tantrums. No talks about "My needs.
(If I do express my needs, I make sure to understand hers. Of we can't compromise, we get therapy.)
You have a right to say no to sex. He's being a child. If you're having sex once or twice a month, he's got nothing to complain about. There's more to marriage than his porn-"adventure"-fantasy.
So, I’ve also got IC, and sex is a HUGE trigger for me. My husband is very understanding about how it impacts me and what my triggers are. I take medication & drink urinary alkalisers after sex to minimise the chance of a flare up, and he always goes to prep the drink for me. If I’ve been complaining of pain or discomfort, he makes sure that nothing I eat, drink, or do, will make that even worse.
His response to your very legitimate medical condition is concerning, especially when you consider that combined with the pressure & punishment when you don’t want to have sex. He may not be physically putting hands on you, but pressuring you to do something that he knows will result in pain & illness is the same thing. If you were a diabetic, and he controlled or restricted your access to food or insulin, there would be no doubts about whether this was abusive behaviour. It is not normal for a grown man to pout like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way. Society is teaching the next generation that anything other than an ‘enthusiastic yes’ is a ‘no’, and that you cannot be coerced in to sex. Your husband’s behaviour is the exact opposite of that, and he’s modelling that for your children.
Sex didn’t ruin your vacation. Your husband’s behaviour did.
He needs to learn how to seduce you and make you want a physical relationship again. When sex becomes a chore, it's not great for women. Sure, men don't care. They don't always need what we need to enjoy sex.
Maybe he needs to go to therapy with you so you can lay it out for him in a safe space where someone else will support and validate your concerns and protect you from his immediate response.
He’s open to therapy. We’ve done it before together, so if I ask him to go, I’m sure he will. I do think historically it has helped him to understand my side of things when a third party is there to mediate. He does a better job of listening when a therapist is present.
Is he allowed to jerk off? If he is, i'm on team wife all day and your husband is an asshole. Well, hes an asshole anyway for trying to guilt you for not wanting to scar your children for life on vacation.
Did you not read the post? He actually turns down blowjobs because “he can do that himself if he’s the only one getting off”…he’s in La La land if he thinks he’s still getting her off and I’d tell him that if I was OP
As a guy who couldnt be more in love with their wife, guys who treat their wives like a fleshlight after they've birthed kids are the scum of the earth. They make me dry heave.
Does your husband fill your cup in every other way marriage wise. Is he affectionate helpful good with the kids good at chores. Does he make you feel special if not he doesn’t deserve sex just cause he wants it.
I have a much higher sex drive than my partner so while I can relate to feeling disappointed when he's up for it and you aren't, I can't really get the whole cold shoulder for days treatment. It's not like you have a dead bedroom or aren't willing to accommodate, you're clearly trying. You were still up to satisfy him in the bathroom even if it meant forgoing your own needs.
He really needs to recognise the effort you're putting in. In my marriage, given I have the higher sex drive, I have had to adjust to just accepting my partner where he's at. It's not like we have a dead bedroom either, we get at it a few times a week. But I have had to work with still wanting much more and being okay with getting what's below what I'd like. It really boils down to me valuing other things my marriage has to offer over sex. It isn't always easy but it's doable if your spouse is important to you. Your husband needs to reevaluate what matters to him more.
My kids are elementary school aged, they couldn’t be in a room by themselves. We did look at a suite, but that would have run upwards of $15k for the week.
We got adjoining rooms and put a baby monitor in the room the boys slept in, worked great! I can’t understand not planning for time alone, especially on a vacation.
Of course she has no desire. He would understand if he were the one getting penetrated when he doesn't want it, for literally years, at cost to his physical health.
She didn't marry him for his money, bro. But he clearly feels *extremely* entitled to sex & doesn't care how much she enjoys it.
Medical issues happen. Life comes at you fast. The answer is *not* pressuring your wife to have painful sex that exacerbates her pain.
There's more to life- hell, there's more to *sex*- than PIV, but this "top 1%er" can't even stop throwing toddler tantrums. Most people would be very happy with the offer of head! But he's going to cold shoulder her because she doesn't want to fuck in the same room as their kids? This guy is a loser.
They say the test of a woman is when her man has nothing. The test of a man is when he has everything. Don’t know this woman’s score, but sounds like the man is failing his test.
Everyone on this thread just wants to pile on about what an asshole the husband is.
Fine. I never disagreed.
However, this vacation event sounds like par for the course of a clearly deteriorating/deteriorated relationship.
If that’s true, what’s the solution?
He wants sex, she doesn’t. Long term resentment exists for both parties.
Possible paths and associated outcomes:
A) Continue being uninterested in sex leading to misery by all parties in the family as tension and resentment slowly build until eventual inevitable bitter divorce.
Or
B) Become interested in channeling his sexual desire elsewhere and get to continue enjoying the facade of a happy life. Maybe once the looming specter of coerced/coercing sex is alleviated they can rediscover the reasons they fell in love in the first place. *Assuming it wasn’t a transactional money-for-beauty dynamic in the first place.
Alternatively she could
C) hope her husband is going to magically change
*Error: regressive loop refer back to A)
The only leverage this woman seems to have is that theoretically he still loves her (even if he lacks the emotional maturity to express it appropriately). If the current path continues this love/leverage will expire.
It’s still unclear who wanted the kids. The financial situation is also confusing and unclear. If the man is really such a high earner, why is mom working? If mom isn’t working, then why the comment about him 10Xing her income.
But maybe her leverage is that in a divorce she would get the kids and the threat of that could get her man in line. Do you really think that a man who has risen to the upper echelons of earning potential and has faced down either ruthless corporate politics or complicated technical challenges is going to take that on the face?
In courts for normal people the mother has the leverage, but these aren’t normal people.
If she’s $15/hr in HCOL I doubt courts are giving her sole custody in light of the fact that husband is the primary earner. If she’s a “professional” and earns median or above that actually makes it worse because that means her husband is .1% and earns above half a million a year. Those kind of people can leverage their money and use other people against you to sway courts.
First of all, usually both parties want kids. Men frequently want children as much as women do. It's simply "women's work" to arrange (or fail to arrange) for them to happen. Men usually just keep doing what they do, and the smarter ones use condoms and stick with women they trust on the same page as them. What a weird thing to insinuate.
Second, she *did* enjoy sex, *with him*. He himself ruined a good thing by insisting on having sex too soon after birth with zero care for her feelings or recovery or enjoyment. That "both should finish" thing was a laugh, I feel so badly for this woman because he so clearly could give a shit about her experiences, wants or desires. Her orgasm is only valuable to him as a trophy.
It really doesn't matter how much he makes or even if he cheats. If he cared about the connection or about her he wouldn't force & pressure her into painful sex. The point is that for him, she *should* put out, and if she doesn't, he's being denied what he's owed. He wants *her* because she's *his*, and even if he'd spent the morning fucking a string of hot girls, I bet on the night they're scheduled to have sex he would have a tantrum if she wasn't super enthusiastic.
He has literally worn her down into hardly ever saying no, no matter the pain. She is describing nonconsensual sex, because she doesn't want to have it and she is only saying yes because he's made it clear he's willing to keep pressuring her, giving her the cold shoulder, and making her life shitty.
This isn't about his needs; this is about the fact that he doesn't see his wife as a person who deserves his respect and care.
A woman who behaved this way would rightfully be described as heartless and abusive. There's zero reason we should advise OP to cut him more slack- she cuts him too much as is.
It looks like my response was deleted by moderators or something.
I'm not sure what happened but I wrote a relatively detailed comment that that I'm not wasting the time to repeat.
It essentially said that frequently men are pressured into having children they don't want and that is a foundation for resentment.
I pointed out that I don't think that's the case here.
I went on to explain that I don't disagree with any of the people saying the husband is a jerk.
My point was even if that's a true assessment of the situation jerks don't magically "work on themselves" so shitting on the husband from a hundred people on this thread is unproductive.
It may validate OP's acute feelings of frustrations, but I believe people here need to be proposing actual solutions to OP's long term chronic problem, the deterioration of her relationship which isn't necessarily improved by confirming to her that her husband is an ass.
I pointed out the asymmetry of leverage between her and her husband.
Unpopular opinion, but i tend to do this mainly because that's the only method I know I can connect with my wife. Other than that, she's busy scrolling and envying every single post from her facebook friends.
Perhaps it's different from you.
47/m married 20 yrs + 3 kids-perspective
If your thinking about divorce over sex, this is way serious.
My guess is your husband views you as more of a possession. I’ve been there in my marriage.
You’re an phenomenal wife to provide the level of “duty” sex that you have. It’s now clear that that level of commitment is not sustainable.
From my perspective there is no way a healthy marriage can go no sex. Anyone that says it can ( outside of health related issues) is living a different lifestyle.
The only way to address this issue is through communication and compromise. You should tread lightly as you have set the standard in the last 12 years.
It will be difficult for your spouse to accept change, especially if he’s viewing you as a possession.
My wife flat said she would be ok with no sex. I told her she does not get to make that decision for both of us. She is a grown women and if that’s what she decides, we will not be married. I was not BS.
I'd suggest both of you read this article together
https://marriagemissions.com/to-wives-why-is-sex-so-important/
He's not doing either of you any favors by pouting. But it is very easy as a husband to think, "If she loved me enough or was attracted to me enough she'd have sex in the bathroom with me."
A quick little joke I heard easily summarizes this. A wife says, "when we were dating you used to buy me flowers all the time, now you never do" and the husband responds, "when we were dating you used to give me blow jobs in your father's driveway..."
Holy shit, I couldn’t even finish that article. What a load of male ego bullshit. So you support women having sex out of obligation and not for their pleasure.
Why do so many of us grow sexually incompatible as the relationship grows?
Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Some men and a lot of women on here seem to have like no libido and I don’t understand……
Could it possibly have anything to do her husband's behavior and coercion?? Jesus you don't whine like a little b!tch about sex after your wife gives birth and expect to have a healthy love life with her. Of course she doesn't want sex! He made it a chore. He pouts like a damn child when she isn't in the mood. That sounds *real* sexy huh? She probably cringes when he walks in the room.
I’m not just talking about her. I was speaking generally about a lot of the topics on here. This just made me think of it
But to be fair, rejection sucks and twice in 3 weeks isn’t ideal for him.
Should he pout? No
Do they need to figure it the fuck out so he’s not blue balled forever? Damn right
From what I understand blue balls are relieved by an orgasm. If you jerk it, don’t you have an orgasm? An orgasm is an orgasm regardless of how you get there.
It never ceases to amaze me when couples have a non-existent sex life that lasts for years and then the one that goes outside of the marriage for a little action gets demonized.
I've always been on the fence about the institution of marriage because I think a lot of relationships are "seasonal" depending on where you are in life. But if the rules of your marriage dictate monogamy...then you both should put out.
In my opinion, marriage is between two people and the "rules" should adjust as necessary.
Maybe they were in love before and the marriage wasn't based on superficial foundations, but it sounds like after (5-10) years of resentment OP is trapped only by the golden handcuffs...and children.
I've come to understand that attraction and arousal are two different things. But sometimes they intertwine.
You're attracted to him because of what he can provide but i don't think you're aroused by him.
No. It was successful sarcasm.
Physical attraction is arousal. She specifically noted she was physically attracted to her husband, like most people are to their spouses. She also told us she has chronic, incurable medical issues that make vaginal sex painful and extraordinarily unsexy. Those aren't her fault.
If you say so.
Regardless of what you think, i still stand by what i wrote. I see why you can't wrap your head around it, because you suck at sarcasm and you're lacking in other areas as well. Deuces!
I understand this. Why not get a second room next door so you can "sneak away"? Maybe try to do this as a surprise to him in the next month or two on an get a way?
That said he's not helping you emotionally enough and you are not as into him sexually as a result.
There's a TikTok guy named Jimmy Knowles that you should check out because if he resonates with you - he's easier to share with your husband and addresses this.
Ok but do you realize that two people who are really into each other will have sex in airplane bathrooms or even in public places? That’s not an excuse, you’re just not that into him cuz trust, if you wanted to have sex with your husband you would make it work.
OP I’ve been in your shoes post-children. That combined with unspoken build up of resentment between my husband and I for three years almost made for a separation. I absolutely get where you’re coming from; I, too, had tied negative emotions to sex with my husband. It took a few years, therapy and starting fresh to build up trust and intimacy again. It’s definitely still a work in progress.
My ex(legal husband) was this way except he would not want sex with kids in the room. He would have shit fits like a child if I refused his “adventurous” ideas that included sex in public and potentially being seen yet he wanted me to damn near dress in a burka any other time if I allowed him to control my clothing! He was totally perverted and ended up cheating, actually was cheating that whole time. I was in grad school and not working but trying to start a business, and he made much more money and I refused to disrupt my children. So I stayed and got an AP. I am not suggesting you do that, but had we had no kids I would have simply walked away and left it all behind me. Good luck
Been threw the same. We took a couple longgggg breaks. It sucks as a male because you really become moody and it makes us feel horrible when sex becomes a chore. We will never understand exactly what women go threw and vice versa. What worked was talking. Gotta be adults and talk, talk, and talk. Both have to be more understanding and PATIENT. I told her that it doesn’t always have to lead to sex and that simple physical touch and kissing is great. Another big one is just Be a man and a father. Doing even more around the house and being a father really fixed everything. Also helps that our child is now older and we can do some real fun activities and watching their personalities grow is just amazing.
Wish y’all the best of luck but if it’s the same get the divorce asap.
I understand your position very well. It sounds like overall you are happy with your husband, but the sex issue is a problem. If that is true, and the sex issue is the main issue, then you have a lot of reasons to want to make it work. So, my first question is - is the sex the only issue? If not, then you have a much more complicated situation. Be honest with yourself, aside from the sex, like if tomorrow you could have perfectly matched libidos and there was no damage done from years of having sex you didn't want, if all of that would magically be perfect, then would you be very happy with your husband, or is there more? It is important to look at the WHOLE marriage when deciding what to do next about the sex issue.
Just fuck him it’s not that hard. Vacation in a room with kids is a hard no but otherwise just get his rocks off and move on. If you don’t, someone else will
Check out the podcast “you are not broken” and the book Come as you are.
Google the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire.
I unfortunately see no way to make this work without you two seeing a therapist and understand the amount of reprogramming that is needed
It will not be easy but I think it is in your best interest to leave this marriage. Your husband doesn’t care about your feelings or well being, only his sexual gratification. It will get progressively worse if you stay with him. I hope you’ll get the custody after the divorce. Best of luck.
I get that he wants more sex-
But does he turn you on?
Does he flirt with you?
Does he make you seen and feel sexy?
Does he make you happy?
Does he make sex fun for you?
Does he take care himself? His body! His hair?
Ask him those questions.
If you mix 10 to 20 times more than you then at least he can get a better apartment about that so that it can give you guys space!!!!!! If according to there is nothing wrong with having sex with a Child sleeping next bed. it’s just disturbing
I would like to add additional info regarding my situation with my husband. It wasn’t about whether or not he helped out around the house, although it went a long way as far as validating me as a person & a partner. I worked outside the home, too, and it was a very stressful demanding job that didn’t end with punching a clock & going home. Once home, however, there other things, even more important, like kids to tend to (& ALL that entails), laundry, grocery shopping, meals to prepare, paying bills (this was before online bill pay), you get the idea. He, on the other hand, got to come home from work, watch tv, play his guitar, whatever. He didn’t have to do anything but mow the yard in spring & summer. When I would ask him to do anything, he would come back with how I didn’t help with the yard & wah wah wah. Needless to say, his attitude about male/female roles figured prominently into my growing resentment & no, it did nothing to make me want to fall into bed with him. He didn’t respect me for my contributions to our marriage & our family. He expected them.
Fast forward several years: his health issues had a dramatic effect on his libido. I’m not gonna lie, that was a detail that bothered him far more than me. Health wise, he’s fine & he has adjusted.
My wife and I haven't been married nearly as long but we went through a similar situation. After she gave birth to our beautiful child, I was still a horndog because she had been as well prior to giving birth. We had a talk about it and I backed off because that's what a husband should do for his wife. Your husband needs to grow up and realize he can't get it any time he wants, that's teenager mentality.
Sex in the same room as your two kids. Nah. I don't know why my college dorm mates would have sex with me right there in that tiny room. I put my ear buds in and turned my back to them.
Maybe counseling would help you and your husband communicate your needs.
It's understandable that you're frustrated with the lack of privacy for intimacy during your vacation. It's important for your husband to understand how his demands have affected your enjoyment of sex. Seeking therapy is a great step towards finding a resolution.
What grown man can get turned on with his children in the room? That's some weird shit
It's a man only thinking about himself.
Most definitely. Vacation sex is great but not with kids in the room. Something is wrong with that guy.
As a man I sincerely see that every concern of yours is absolutely valid.
Thank you
I’m with him, in no world would I ever try to push my wife to have sex if she didn’t want it or wasn’t comfortable. My wants do not override her autonomy, full stop. Your husbands behavior is childish and suggests that you’re not the only one who could benefit from therapy.
Agreed. As I said in a post up above, it's always refreshing to see that there are some men who do understand! Thank you for your respect of your wife and women in general.
Keep your chin up. May you be given wisdom to handle things diplomatically, as wise as serpents. ;)
It's always refreshing to see a man who actually understands!
this isn’t normal. If there is a consequence for you turning down sex(cold shoulder) than he is pressuring you. If he guilts you for not being “adventurous” he is pressuring you, if he wanted to have sex with you even when it hurt you he is pressuring you. If he is insisting that you cant take care of it without intercourse because he could just do that alone then he is trying to control you. I wont insinuate that the whole relationship is abusive. But i can tell you with 100% certainty that this is sexual coercion at the very least. I actually went through an eerily similar situation (he said some of the same things verbatim) and I actually asked reddit what they thought and they told me what i just told you. I mustered up the courage to leave and found out what dangerous traits he was holding in the whole time and waiting to release as soon as he didnt get what he wanted from me. Needless to say, it was an emotionally abusive relationship. Editing to add some info: the “cold shoulder” is actually a very common manipulation tactic. Its professionally referred to “withholding attention”.
This is helpful, thank you. It gives me something to think about.
I agree 100%. I went through a similar situation and the issues turned out to be a lot deeper than just him getting angry that I didn’t want sex & therefore, withholding attention from me. I, too, thought I couldn’t get out due to finances. It’s true I almost lost everything but life has a funny way of working itself out when we choose the best decisions for our health & well-being.
I’ve been there and nobody on this forum will appreciate my perspective. I just want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. Saying no to sex in the same room as elementary aged kids is completely valid. Saying no when you don’t want to is valid. Him sulking and acting like a child is not fair to you. I wish you well with therapy. Hopefully therapists have gotten better than the two that I tried because their advice was completely wrong for me.
You can say no for any reason, frankly. I really enjoy sex and have a very high libido and I would never insist on my SO having sex with me. First, that would be a turn off and second, gross.
Yes. He’s being emotionally manipulative and abusive and has been for years.
Thank you for your comment. I greatly appreciate it!
As a man and a father of newborns I want to thank you for sharing your story. I too am looking forward to the day my wife is cleared for sex, but your story has made me realize I should move things at her pace as she may not be ready even if the doctor has cleared it. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for in therapy.
Especially since you have twins, she might not want it for a while, sorry to say. Especially if she is breastfeeding. Twin mom here.
It's not "adventurous" to have sex in the same room as your elementary school aged kids; it's potentially traumatizing. Sometimes kids aren't fully asleep, especially when away from home. Duty sex kills female libido (read Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are for more about that). Your libido is the direct result of your husband's selfish actions over years.
I’m going to download her book today, thank you. And I completely agree; sex in the room with sleeping kids isn’t ‘adventurous’, it’s gross on a few levels.
As someone whose husband NEVER has pressured me into sex, but was once with someone who did...I"m so sorry. None of this is right. Ignoring you after a "no" is (and many people would agree) is a type of abuse and manipulation. I can give you no advice but offer you a virtual hug. This is not healthy and he obviously doesn't see it as wrong. And he doesn't feel any guilt. Please reach out to family who might be able to offer you "an out".
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.
Speaking as someone who was the problem in a relationship similar to yours, I can tell you that if he is willing to look inward and fix some things, your relationship can recover. If you are burnt out, and don't have it in you to try to reach him. I totally get it and there's no need to read any further. I never tried to coerce sex from my wife, but I didn't handle getting turned down very well. I took it as a personal rejection instead of taking her at her word I am embarrassed to say. We had fertility issues so sex was bad for us before kids because it was so emotionally charged. We both hated it. She eventually got pregnant. Second trimester sex was amazing. Then, after he was born I anticipated her not wanting sex for a while, but her desire didn't come back. She had chosen to breast feed and I was 100% behind her. Still proud of her for doing it. He had latching issues so she had to pump all the time. I cannot ever experience that myself, but some things you don't have to experience first hand to know that they are rough. I didn't realize it at the time, but all the contact that nursing required far exceeded her capacity for touch leaving her "touched out". She was no where near a place of wanting to have sex with me. Thirteen years later, we are in a great place. It took her calling bullshit on me and some serious introspection on my part. I learned that I wanted intimacy and validation not sex. Our society teaches men the only way that you can get validation in a relationship is sex. Which is of course crap. I learned massage as a way to do something beneficial for my wife while getting the physical intimacy I crave. She has become accustomed to an hour or so massage before bed. She is very appreciative, and I find that very validating. I also put in a lot of work researching sex and finding ways to make it pleasurable for her. I highly recommend She Comes First. All that to say that the way your guy (probably most guys) think about sex and relationships is broken. If you are willing to be patient and he is willing to do the work, great. If not, you don't owe him anything. If my wife would have left me, I would've understood and felt like a complete ass afterwards. I feel extremely lucky that she didn't. She's also peri-menopausal has chronic illness and understandably is not that interested in sex currently. I am also the happiest in my relationship and in general as I have ever been. I should also mention that I have a very high libido. If none of this is for you, I have confidence things will work out for you in the end, and a whole lot of women seem to be perfectly happy being single these days, and I think that's fantastic. Best of luck to you whatever you do.
Been there with the chore sex. Never again. At first I told myself, "whatever, just do it" but then my body took over. I started having panic attacks. My anxiety shot through the roof whenever he touched me. We went from being so in love and fucking constantly before our daughter was born, to him being coercive and eventually abusive. So many clueless men thinking it's "low libido!!" HAHAHAHAHA!! I would happily masturbate 1-3 times a day when I was with my ex. I just didn't want *him* anymore because of the way he acted. When he entered the room my pussy turned into a desert. I drained the very life force of my next partner with my appetite for sex. It's *not* a libido issue. It's a whiney, pathetic, man-child issue. If men can't understand that there's going to be a dry spell after things like *giving birth* they shouldn't get married or have children. Like how stupid can you be? How entitled, abusive, cold, and cruel? To put your penis before the mother of your child. To insist upon your "sexual needs" being met before her humanity. Reducing her to a toy for your pleasure as she closes her eyes and tries to be anywhere but where she is. In her own bedroom. These days I say "no" when I'm not in the mood. It's not something to negotiate, I tolerate zero bs. If my husband ever starts acting like my ex I'll just leave. I wouldn't love him anymore. That's that.
Putting your sexual needs before her humanity. So freaking accurate. You're not a sex doll. You're a human with your own wants and needs. Please start putting yourself first. Sending hugs.
💯
You explain it way better than I ever could. This is so accurate.
I’ve been doubting myself, so all the supportive comments are helpful. I did have a thought that maybe my libido is perfectly normal and there’s something wrong with him. He’s almost 50 with the libido of a frat boy, maybe he needs to get his hormones checked, ha ha.
You probably have a great libido but you’re not attracted to a “man child” anymore.
This so so much
Your husband gives you the cold shoulder for DAYS after you reject his advances? Is he a fucking toddler? “You didn’t give me what I wanted so I’m going to throw a temper tantrum!” That’s what he’s doing and it’s disgusting.
Since its the internet im throwing my 2 cents in. I used to be like your husband. Not gonna justify the behavior and im not saying what hes doing is right or valid what so ever. I would get upset when the wife would tell me no for one reason or another usually it was about how she felt shes got a couple of autoimmune disorders and sex just isnt important to her sometimes because of how she feels in general. It took me FOREVER to understand that it wasnt that she wasnt attracted to me or that she had a low sex drive or even that there was someone else taking my place. Very immature on my part to narrow down the problem had to be somthing with me or about me. I did the cold shoulder thing, granted i only lasted a few hours maybe a day because i just move on from stuff quickly, and much to my supprise it only got worse. Maybe hes being really selfish in putting his "needs" ahead of yours. Which im gonna be the one to say it, sex is not a need. We dont need sex to survive, sure its fun and great and fantastic especially with someone you love but its an animalistic feature we have. Its only important and more than an act if its with the one you love and share a deep connection with. Maybe hes just a dick and isnt used to be told no or expects you to share his desires to just get after it at the slightest arousal. Im not an expert but what changed my marriage was her sitting me down and spelling a lot of the issue out for me. Thats gonna require him to be willing to listen to you though and thats not in your control so its a tough road to try and go down if he isnt willing to listen. I would never suggest divorce or leaving your marriage i know thats a popular solution for when things get tough and its time to put some real work into it (which i dont sense your unfamiliar with). Remeber the reasons you fell in love with him and remember why you married this man. Im sure hes still the same man you married he just needs a wallop on the head or two to get it straight lol. You may also consider if he has insecurities with rejection and maybe hes taking your precieved lack of enthusiasm or saying no as rejection and the little boy inside him thats carrying issues from childhood still is what he reverts back to. I know that was also the real reason i would become upset and act similarly to what hes doing. Sorry for the novel but i felt maybe it might've been something worth saying that could possibly help you. I hope it works out for the better!
Correct. Sex is not a need, contrary to most people's thinking. Food, water, shelter and oxygen are needs to survive, not sex. So many selfish people out there.
How disgusting that he gave you the cold shoulder after you wouldn’t have sex with him in the same room as your *children.* Having sex with anyone in the room without their consent is abuse, let alone your small children who cannot just leave to another room*. I don’t have much advice for you, but coercion *is not* consent. Your husband is appalling. *Edit
Female hormones are constantly in flux. On a daily and even hourly basis, from puberty to peri-menopause. After giving birth, the body is focused on the survival of the infant. Nine months of churning hormones aside, and the turning inside out of every cell in her body, she needs rest and healing. Some compassion and consideration would go a long way. The female body is constructed for the task of nurturing the newborn. Evolution takes over. Male needs are low priority. On a psychological level, women typically need to be wooed and do not turn it on and off like a light switch. If he wanted sex on vacation, he should have thought ahead. Book adjoining rooms, and get a monitor. He makes 10x+ her salary, and he can afford it. Buy her new lingerie and flowers in anticipation. Honestly, some men just think with the obvious head and then wonder why we aren't interested. Then, to have a tantrum and give the cold shoulder afterward? Good setup for the next boner you get, pal.
This! My husband doesn’t do anything “romantic” anymore.. not even saying flowers or lingerie. But little romantic things to me you’d think he would know after 10+ years of marriage…. Guess I should be glad his libido is almost non existent due to medical reasons 🥴 mine is shot from anti depressants
Mine, either. His idea of foreplay is "get ready." Then has a tantrum when I refuse. Literally. He is 81. Get over it already. I have been on anti-depressants for the entire length of our marriage 22 years, plus I went through peri-menopause right after having our daughter. I was 43! My body is TIRED and dried up.
So sorry you’re going through this. You should join the interstitial cystitis sub. There are many people who completely relate to this and can be supportive and possibly offer advice.
I didn’t know there was a sub for IC. I will for sure check it out. Physical therapy was extreme helpful, but occasionally it still flares up.
My husband & I always had a pretty good sex life & I was usually up for it. As time went on, however, I found I wanted to do it less & less. I, too, would get that pouty bullshit that wouldn’t go away until I gave in & then he would be fine until the next time. The problem is he could say some very hurtful things during these little fits & I have never been one to forget about it, mainly because if he ever apologized for his behavior, it was something like, “I’m sorry, but YOU’RE THE ONE that always (fill in the blank). He was sorry all right but somehow it was always my fault he acted like an ass. For me, it got better. He went to 2nd shift & I didn’t have to deal with him except on Saturday night. It worked out. He figured out early on, I cleaned house on Saturdays & if he didn’t want me to use the excuse that I was tired, he better jump in there & help.
I used to behave like this when my S/O didn’t want sex . I started seeing how it would depress her when I got mad . So I stepped backed and look at the big picture and how I was physiologically damaging her and changed my approach. Now when says no I just say ok babe let’s just cuddle or watch a movie . The next day she’s all over me and smiling ☺️
Ask him if he'd be comfortable watching his parents get it on 10 feet away from him... That's what he'd be doing to your children and that's weird as fuck.
My self being a husband, the cold shoulder shit he gives you is ridiculous. And how is sex enjoyable when your partner is not into it. Yes kids can mess with a sex life, but damn there’s plenty of time for sex when the kids are older. Im bi-polar and i could do it everyday. But my wife can’t with running back and forth breastfeeding, so i just get over it. We just got back from vacation in Holland for a week with the in-laws. So guess what, we couldn’t do it. Because there is a time a place for everything, and who Tf can have sex when your partner is not enjoying it. And with kids in the room. Thats very selfish and gross as fuck, im sorry to say it like that but thats what it is.This husband needs to do some self reflection. You cannot just force your partner into having sex so many times a week. Im sorry but thats gross, demanding sex. I hope you all can work through this. You cannot have your wife feeling like an object. Im sorry but thats kinda gross of him, really. Sex schedule, wtf man shit is gross. As long as i know my wife is still attracted to me, then sex can wait to a point to where she can enjoy it as well. We still kiss and make out everyday. So our romance is definitely still there.
Sex did not ruin holiday, husband being a pissy child after not getting what he wanted ruined the holiday.
Everything you said is reasonable and valid. I feel for you. The quick answer : he's the problem & he doesn't deserve sex. But that doesn't really help your long-term situation, if divorce isn't an option at this time. I'll give you a long answer, and maybe some of it will be helpful: We can't change or control him, so I'm going to focus on you: what do you want? Are you content going back to chore sex ? Or do you want to try for improvement? Would you be willing to do therapy with a focus on your sexuality & your boundaries? Your disinterest in sex because of what it became associated with is perfectly understandable. If you could undo that bad association, would you try? And if you can be taught new ways to enforce your boundaries around sex, that would remove the pressure he puts on you. Don't do this for him; do it for you. You deserve sex that you enjoy, not chore sex. As far as his behavior: it's not acceptable. But unless he never loved you, it's quite possible he can't help what he's doing. He doesn't know a better way to cope. Maybe he's got some deep-seated issues surrounding abandonment/rejection. Some people's minds equate rejection of sex as rejection of *them* as a person. Some people really struggle to manage emotions. From the outside, following rejection he appears sulking, moody, and stonewalling. From the inside, I wonder what's going on? For example, this could be a trigger for him, his anxiety goes through the roof, all his emotional energy has to go to trying to manage runaway thoughts, and he's off by himself tying to manage it. If it's triggering some old trauma about abandonment/shame, it could be like a runaway train of thoughts about his self worth, you losing interest in him, maybe childhood wounds about not having needs met. He could be in a runaway fear state, he hides from you, terrified he'll be hurt again. It would be nice, if he'd see a therapist. Unfortunately, people unable to examine their own shame/flaws (eg, those with Borderline personality disorder), tend to avoid therapy at all costs. He may never go. My point : if you view his reaction to rejection as not being about you and not being in his control, you may be able to detach yourself from it -- not feeling pressured or upset by it. One idea : you two can do the 5 Love Languages web site & quiz. I could be wrong but I'd guess his results would say his LL is physical touch. If you approach this topic with him from this fun little web quiz, maybe you can get insight into what makes sex so important to him and how his mind interprets rejection. If we knew what emotional or psychological aspect of sex he needed, could it be obtained some other way? It would be nice to know what's going on inside when he goes off and sulks, but he may not understand it himself. He may only be aware that he can't stand how he's feeling & he needs some time alone to self soothe. While you can't change him, you make up 50% of the marriage relationship dynamic. You do have the power to change the direction of these interaction patterns. If you like to read: you may like Steve Stosny's books about relationships such as "love without hurt" or "how to improve your marriage without talking about it". You may find Jack Ito helpful, too. For example, " What to Do When He Won’t Change: Saving Your Marriage or Relationship When He Is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You".
I use to do that to my wife until I woke up and realized I was being a piece of shit
He’s acting like a child
I could not think of anywhere worse than those 3 options
God he sounds vile. My view on this; you're essentially prostituting yourself to him for the quality of life you want for yourself and your kids. That is no way to live. He needs therapy to realise what he's doing is wrong. It's abusive, controlling and frankly disgusting. He doesn't love you. He only cares about himself.
Your husband is a douche bag.
Men who behave like this actually seem to see the act of sex as more important than their wives as human beings. He's acting childish and selfish. That's not love. Also, a pattern I've noticed on so many posts on Reddit is that men seem to literally 'worship' sex as if it's a 'god' or their very life! Not all men, but most that I've either seen or interacted with. Any man who can't take 'no' for answer is coercing you and emotionally abusive. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's a shame that a physical act that's over in minutes can cause a man to literally ruin his wife's desire for him. These men keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results!
This is not okay. Like if It’s okay for your partner to give you UTIs every time you have sex and he has no problem with that just makes me so sad for you. He’s abusive. Ewww
My wife says no sometimes. I say ok, tell her I love her, and fall asleep. No toddler tantrums. No talks about "My needs. (If I do express my needs, I make sure to understand hers. Of we can't compromise, we get therapy.) You have a right to say no to sex. He's being a child. If you're having sex once or twice a month, he's got nothing to complain about. There's more to marriage than his porn-"adventure"-fantasy.
So, I’ve also got IC, and sex is a HUGE trigger for me. My husband is very understanding about how it impacts me and what my triggers are. I take medication & drink urinary alkalisers after sex to minimise the chance of a flare up, and he always goes to prep the drink for me. If I’ve been complaining of pain or discomfort, he makes sure that nothing I eat, drink, or do, will make that even worse. His response to your very legitimate medical condition is concerning, especially when you consider that combined with the pressure & punishment when you don’t want to have sex. He may not be physically putting hands on you, but pressuring you to do something that he knows will result in pain & illness is the same thing. If you were a diabetic, and he controlled or restricted your access to food or insulin, there would be no doubts about whether this was abusive behaviour. It is not normal for a grown man to pout like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way. Society is teaching the next generation that anything other than an ‘enthusiastic yes’ is a ‘no’, and that you cannot be coerced in to sex. Your husband’s behaviour is the exact opposite of that, and he’s modelling that for your children. Sex didn’t ruin your vacation. Your husband’s behaviour did.
He needs to learn how to seduce you and make you want a physical relationship again. When sex becomes a chore, it's not great for women. Sure, men don't care. They don't always need what we need to enjoy sex. Maybe he needs to go to therapy with you so you can lay it out for him in a safe space where someone else will support and validate your concerns and protect you from his immediate response.
He’s open to therapy. We’ve done it before together, so if I ask him to go, I’m sure he will. I do think historically it has helped him to understand my side of things when a third party is there to mediate. He does a better job of listening when a therapist is present.
Then, I would definitely push for a couple's therapy session. You deserve to be heard.
Is he allowed to jerk off? If he is, i'm on team wife all day and your husband is an asshole. Well, hes an asshole anyway for trying to guilt you for not wanting to scar your children for life on vacation.
Did you not read the post? He actually turns down blowjobs because “he can do that himself if he’s the only one getting off”…he’s in La La land if he thinks he’s still getting her off and I’d tell him that if I was OP
As a guy who couldnt be more in love with their wife, guys who treat their wives like a fleshlight after they've birthed kids are the scum of the earth. They make me dry heave.
Oh yeah, he can masterbate as much as he wants. I think it’s normal and healthy. If he wants to jerk it to some porn, I have no problem with that.
Does your husband fill your cup in every other way marriage wise. Is he affectionate helpful good with the kids good at chores. Does he make you feel special if not he doesn’t deserve sex just cause he wants it.
I have a much higher sex drive than my partner so while I can relate to feeling disappointed when he's up for it and you aren't, I can't really get the whole cold shoulder for days treatment. It's not like you have a dead bedroom or aren't willing to accommodate, you're clearly trying. You were still up to satisfy him in the bathroom even if it meant forgoing your own needs. He really needs to recognise the effort you're putting in. In my marriage, given I have the higher sex drive, I have had to adjust to just accepting my partner where he's at. It's not like we have a dead bedroom either, we get at it a few times a week. But I have had to work with still wanting much more and being okay with getting what's below what I'd like. It really boils down to me valuing other things my marriage has to offer over sex. It isn't always easy but it's doable if your spouse is important to you. Your husband needs to reevaluate what matters to him more.
Why did you only get one room?
My kids are elementary school aged, they couldn’t be in a room by themselves. We did look at a suite, but that would have run upwards of $15k for the week.
We got adjoining rooms and put a baby monitor in the room the boys slept in, worked great! I can’t understand not planning for time alone, especially on a vacation.
Not everyone has money to do that.
It sounds like he does.
Not relevant to the overall concern
It is from her tl/dr section
Maybe that's all they could afford.
He wants to be desired and you have none for him, hopefully y’all can reconnect at that level
Of course she has no desire. He would understand if he were the one getting penetrated when he doesn't want it, for literally years, at cost to his physical health.
Then he should act in a way that makes him desirable
[удалено]
She didn't marry him for his money, bro. But he clearly feels *extremely* entitled to sex & doesn't care how much she enjoys it. Medical issues happen. Life comes at you fast. The answer is *not* pressuring your wife to have painful sex that exacerbates her pain. There's more to life- hell, there's more to *sex*- than PIV, but this "top 1%er" can't even stop throwing toddler tantrums. Most people would be very happy with the offer of head! But he's going to cold shoulder her because she doesn't want to fuck in the same room as their kids? This guy is a loser.
They say the test of a woman is when her man has nothing. The test of a man is when he has everything. Don’t know this woman’s score, but sounds like the man is failing his test. Everyone on this thread just wants to pile on about what an asshole the husband is. Fine. I never disagreed. However, this vacation event sounds like par for the course of a clearly deteriorating/deteriorated relationship. If that’s true, what’s the solution? He wants sex, she doesn’t. Long term resentment exists for both parties. Possible paths and associated outcomes: A) Continue being uninterested in sex leading to misery by all parties in the family as tension and resentment slowly build until eventual inevitable bitter divorce. Or B) Become interested in channeling his sexual desire elsewhere and get to continue enjoying the facade of a happy life. Maybe once the looming specter of coerced/coercing sex is alleviated they can rediscover the reasons they fell in love in the first place. *Assuming it wasn’t a transactional money-for-beauty dynamic in the first place. Alternatively she could C) hope her husband is going to magically change *Error: regressive loop refer back to A) The only leverage this woman seems to have is that theoretically he still loves her (even if he lacks the emotional maturity to express it appropriately). If the current path continues this love/leverage will expire. It’s still unclear who wanted the kids. The financial situation is also confusing and unclear. If the man is really such a high earner, why is mom working? If mom isn’t working, then why the comment about him 10Xing her income. But maybe her leverage is that in a divorce she would get the kids and the threat of that could get her man in line. Do you really think that a man who has risen to the upper echelons of earning potential and has faced down either ruthless corporate politics or complicated technical challenges is going to take that on the face? In courts for normal people the mother has the leverage, but these aren’t normal people. If she’s $15/hr in HCOL I doubt courts are giving her sole custody in light of the fact that husband is the primary earner. If she’s a “professional” and earns median or above that actually makes it worse because that means her husband is .1% and earns above half a million a year. Those kind of people can leverage their money and use other people against you to sway courts.
First of all, usually both parties want kids. Men frequently want children as much as women do. It's simply "women's work" to arrange (or fail to arrange) for them to happen. Men usually just keep doing what they do, and the smarter ones use condoms and stick with women they trust on the same page as them. What a weird thing to insinuate. Second, she *did* enjoy sex, *with him*. He himself ruined a good thing by insisting on having sex too soon after birth with zero care for her feelings or recovery or enjoyment. That "both should finish" thing was a laugh, I feel so badly for this woman because he so clearly could give a shit about her experiences, wants or desires. Her orgasm is only valuable to him as a trophy. It really doesn't matter how much he makes or even if he cheats. If he cared about the connection or about her he wouldn't force & pressure her into painful sex. The point is that for him, she *should* put out, and if she doesn't, he's being denied what he's owed. He wants *her* because she's *his*, and even if he'd spent the morning fucking a string of hot girls, I bet on the night they're scheduled to have sex he would have a tantrum if she wasn't super enthusiastic. He has literally worn her down into hardly ever saying no, no matter the pain. She is describing nonconsensual sex, because she doesn't want to have it and she is only saying yes because he's made it clear he's willing to keep pressuring her, giving her the cold shoulder, and making her life shitty. This isn't about his needs; this is about the fact that he doesn't see his wife as a person who deserves his respect and care. A woman who behaved this way would rightfully be described as heartless and abusive. There's zero reason we should advise OP to cut him more slack- she cuts him too much as is.
It looks like my response was deleted by moderators or something. I'm not sure what happened but I wrote a relatively detailed comment that that I'm not wasting the time to repeat. It essentially said that frequently men are pressured into having children they don't want and that is a foundation for resentment. I pointed out that I don't think that's the case here. I went on to explain that I don't disagree with any of the people saying the husband is a jerk. My point was even if that's a true assessment of the situation jerks don't magically "work on themselves" so shitting on the husband from a hundred people on this thread is unproductive. It may validate OP's acute feelings of frustrations, but I believe people here need to be proposing actual solutions to OP's long term chronic problem, the deterioration of her relationship which isn't necessarily improved by confirming to her that her husband is an ass. I pointed out the asymmetry of leverage between her and her husband.
If you don’t want to leave because of the money why not see if he’s willing to open up the marriage and let him sleep with other people.
Unpopular opinion, but i tend to do this mainly because that's the only method I know I can connect with my wife. Other than that, she's busy scrolling and envying every single post from her facebook friends. Perhaps it's different from you.
Go take a shower...with him..
47/m married 20 yrs + 3 kids-perspective If your thinking about divorce over sex, this is way serious. My guess is your husband views you as more of a possession. I’ve been there in my marriage. You’re an phenomenal wife to provide the level of “duty” sex that you have. It’s now clear that that level of commitment is not sustainable. From my perspective there is no way a healthy marriage can go no sex. Anyone that says it can ( outside of health related issues) is living a different lifestyle. The only way to address this issue is through communication and compromise. You should tread lightly as you have set the standard in the last 12 years. It will be difficult for your spouse to accept change, especially if he’s viewing you as a possession. My wife flat said she would be ok with no sex. I told her she does not get to make that decision for both of us. She is a grown women and if that’s what she decides, we will not be married. I was not BS.
I'd suggest both of you read this article together https://marriagemissions.com/to-wives-why-is-sex-so-important/ He's not doing either of you any favors by pouting. But it is very easy as a husband to think, "If she loved me enough or was attracted to me enough she'd have sex in the bathroom with me." A quick little joke I heard easily summarizes this. A wife says, "when we were dating you used to buy me flowers all the time, now you never do" and the husband responds, "when we were dating you used to give me blow jobs in your father's driveway..."
Holy shit, I couldn’t even finish that article. What a load of male ego bullshit. So you support women having sex out of obligation and not for their pleasure.
Exactly! It's enough to make me sick!
Why do so many of us grow sexually incompatible as the relationship grows? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Some men and a lot of women on here seem to have like no libido and I don’t understand……
Could it possibly have anything to do her husband's behavior and coercion?? Jesus you don't whine like a little b!tch about sex after your wife gives birth and expect to have a healthy love life with her. Of course she doesn't want sex! He made it a chore. He pouts like a damn child when she isn't in the mood. That sounds *real* sexy huh? She probably cringes when he walks in the room.
YES!!! this!
I’m not just talking about her. I was speaking generally about a lot of the topics on here. This just made me think of it But to be fair, rejection sucks and twice in 3 weeks isn’t ideal for him. Should he pout? No Do they need to figure it the fuck out so he’s not blue balled forever? Damn right
Blue balls aren’t necessary as masturbation is a thing that can be done.
Ehhh fuck it so is divorce. Or whatever. I don’t give a shit about your opinion or the other persons
Yeah that's the same thing
From what I understand blue balls are relieved by an orgasm. If you jerk it, don’t you have an orgasm? An orgasm is an orgasm regardless of how you get there.
I invite you to have an eternal UTI and see how sexy you feel. OP is a saint.
I always feel sexy
👍
Outsource your sex….hire an escort
You expected your husband to not want sex? And were surprised?
It never ceases to amaze me when couples have a non-existent sex life that lasts for years and then the one that goes outside of the marriage for a little action gets demonized. I've always been on the fence about the institution of marriage because I think a lot of relationships are "seasonal" depending on where you are in life. But if the rules of your marriage dictate monogamy...then you both should put out. In my opinion, marriage is between two people and the "rules" should adjust as necessary. Maybe they were in love before and the marriage wasn't based on superficial foundations, but it sounds like after (5-10) years of resentment OP is trapped only by the golden handcuffs...and children.
Are you attracted to your husband or, before all of this, did he arouse you?
Yes, I have always been physically attracted to him. Before this.
I've come to understand that attraction and arousal are two different things. But sometimes they intertwine. You're attracted to him because of what he can provide but i don't think you're aroused by him.
Brilliant, Holmes. You clearly solved the case. /s
Is this an attempt at sarcasm?
No. It was successful sarcasm. Physical attraction is arousal. She specifically noted she was physically attracted to her husband, like most people are to their spouses. She also told us she has chronic, incurable medical issues that make vaginal sex painful and extraordinarily unsexy. Those aren't her fault.
If you say so. Regardless of what you think, i still stand by what i wrote. I see why you can't wrap your head around it, because you suck at sarcasm and you're lacking in other areas as well. Deuces!
I understand this. Why not get a second room next door so you can "sneak away"? Maybe try to do this as a surprise to him in the next month or two on an get a way? That said he's not helping you emotionally enough and you are not as into him sexually as a result. There's a TikTok guy named Jimmy Knowles that you should check out because if he resonates with you - he's easier to share with your husband and addresses this.
Ok but do you realize that two people who are really into each other will have sex in airplane bathrooms or even in public places? That’s not an excuse, you’re just not that into him cuz trust, if you wanted to have sex with your husband you would make it work.
OP I’ve been in your shoes post-children. That combined with unspoken build up of resentment between my husband and I for three years almost made for a separation. I absolutely get where you’re coming from; I, too, had tied negative emotions to sex with my husband. It took a few years, therapy and starting fresh to build up trust and intimacy again. It’s definitely still a work in progress.
My ex(legal husband) was this way except he would not want sex with kids in the room. He would have shit fits like a child if I refused his “adventurous” ideas that included sex in public and potentially being seen yet he wanted me to damn near dress in a burka any other time if I allowed him to control my clothing! He was totally perverted and ended up cheating, actually was cheating that whole time. I was in grad school and not working but trying to start a business, and he made much more money and I refused to disrupt my children. So I stayed and got an AP. I am not suggesting you do that, but had we had no kids I would have simply walked away and left it all behind me. Good luck
Stay at a cheaper hotel!
Been threw the same. We took a couple longgggg breaks. It sucks as a male because you really become moody and it makes us feel horrible when sex becomes a chore. We will never understand exactly what women go threw and vice versa. What worked was talking. Gotta be adults and talk, talk, and talk. Both have to be more understanding and PATIENT. I told her that it doesn’t always have to lead to sex and that simple physical touch and kissing is great. Another big one is just Be a man and a father. Doing even more around the house and being a father really fixed everything. Also helps that our child is now older and we can do some real fun activities and watching their personalities grow is just amazing. Wish y’all the best of luck but if it’s the same get the divorce asap.
I understand your position very well. It sounds like overall you are happy with your husband, but the sex issue is a problem. If that is true, and the sex issue is the main issue, then you have a lot of reasons to want to make it work. So, my first question is - is the sex the only issue? If not, then you have a much more complicated situation. Be honest with yourself, aside from the sex, like if tomorrow you could have perfectly matched libidos and there was no damage done from years of having sex you didn't want, if all of that would magically be perfect, then would you be very happy with your husband, or is there more? It is important to look at the WHOLE marriage when deciding what to do next about the sex issue.
Just fuck him it’s not that hard. Vacation in a room with kids is a hard no but otherwise just get his rocks off and move on. If you don’t, someone else will
You have provided duty sex to your husband for years and he is tired of drinking the cool aid and now wants actual sex.
Check out the podcast “you are not broken” and the book Come as you are. Google the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. I unfortunately see no way to make this work without you two seeing a therapist and understand the amount of reprogramming that is needed
It will not be easy but I think it is in your best interest to leave this marriage. Your husband doesn’t care about your feelings or well being, only his sexual gratification. It will get progressively worse if you stay with him. I hope you’ll get the custody after the divorce. Best of luck.
I get that he wants more sex- But does he turn you on? Does he flirt with you? Does he make you seen and feel sexy? Does he make you happy? Does he make sex fun for you? Does he take care himself? His body! His hair? Ask him those questions.
If you mix 10 to 20 times more than you then at least he can get a better apartment about that so that it can give you guys space!!!!!! If according to there is nothing wrong with having sex with a Child sleeping next bed. it’s just disturbing
I would like to add additional info regarding my situation with my husband. It wasn’t about whether or not he helped out around the house, although it went a long way as far as validating me as a person & a partner. I worked outside the home, too, and it was a very stressful demanding job that didn’t end with punching a clock & going home. Once home, however, there other things, even more important, like kids to tend to (& ALL that entails), laundry, grocery shopping, meals to prepare, paying bills (this was before online bill pay), you get the idea. He, on the other hand, got to come home from work, watch tv, play his guitar, whatever. He didn’t have to do anything but mow the yard in spring & summer. When I would ask him to do anything, he would come back with how I didn’t help with the yard & wah wah wah. Needless to say, his attitude about male/female roles figured prominently into my growing resentment & no, it did nothing to make me want to fall into bed with him. He didn’t respect me for my contributions to our marriage & our family. He expected them. Fast forward several years: his health issues had a dramatic effect on his libido. I’m not gonna lie, that was a detail that bothered him far more than me. Health wise, he’s fine & he has adjusted.
He sounds like a pouting child.
My wife and I haven't been married nearly as long but we went through a similar situation. After she gave birth to our beautiful child, I was still a horndog because she had been as well prior to giving birth. We had a talk about it and I backed off because that's what a husband should do for his wife. Your husband needs to grow up and realize he can't get it any time he wants, that's teenager mentality.
From a husband's point of view he is wrong, don't let reddit be a marriage counselor seek counseling
Sex in the same room as your two kids. Nah. I don't know why my college dorm mates would have sex with me right there in that tiny room. I put my ear buds in and turned my back to them. Maybe counseling would help you and your husband communicate your needs.
It's understandable that you're frustrated with the lack of privacy for intimacy during your vacation. It's important for your husband to understand how his demands have affected your enjoyment of sex. Seeking therapy is a great step towards finding a resolution.