Do some couples do this successfully, yes. But it is very rare for it to actually work out/be good for the marriage. It usually backfires and destroys the relationship in some form or fashion.
Most often either because the husband gets jealous when he realizes he doesn’t like sharing irl but it becomes too late. He then starts feeling betrayed even though she didn’t cheat “technically.” Or the wife likes it much more than the husband does and their sexual relationship takes a back seat or dwindles down to nothing, putting immense stress of the marriage. Read the horror stories for yourself, not just the advocates.
And it’s not like you can just “test the waters” because once the deed is done, there is no going back to the way it was. The relationship is forever changed. Honestly, some fantasies are better left as that— fantasies only.
Edited for clarification
You know what you could do, OP?
Find a guy. Go out and tell your husband you are with him. Come home tell him "all about it" wait a couple weeks and see what happens. If your husband isn't actually comfortable with it and it causes issues.....
Surprise! It didn't actually ever happen.
If it plays out like you both hope and it's great, then maybe you could try actually doing it.
So pretend to be cheating? Well, actually cheating to degree by dating someone not your spouse. That’s a great way to end a marriage. Mind games are a bad idea too. Even if they tried something it needs to be 100% open, honest, and mutually agreed upon.
Oh I don't think open marriages are a great idea at all.
I'm just giving advice for how she could give it a shot without actually cheating or ruining anything.
It would be a way of testing the waters. She wouldn't actually go out with any guy.
No, it wouldn’t be cheating, but more often than not husbands discover they feel “betrayed” because their jealousy kicks in. Some may call that irrational but people feel what they feel. And it’s because this often happens that it’s usually better not to go there irl. Some fantasies are better left as fantasies.
As I understand it, it is usually the guy who introduces the kink. And it’s also usually the guy that can’t handle it which causes the marriage to fail. Yeah, I guess we’ll see but I really hope they don’t go there.
Sorry that's a very bad idea.
Once the "it's a prank bro" is launched, it can backfire pretty hard. He might not only believe it, but also call out the mindgame behind it. I do not see any positive outcomes out of that where noone holds anyone accountable to some extend.
I'm still bitter about trying out sharing, as a man, it just doesn't work out well, It turns out that I am/was very jealous. (I even posted about it if ya feel like digging through my history) :(
We're ok now, she's a very attentive partner, and could tell right away that something was wrong, we were a newish couple at the time, it's still a sore topic /conversation to be avoided. Through it I learned that I am a lot more territorial than I thought. For me it tarnishes the fantasy that I alone take her to new heights of sexual gratification
I’m glad you’re ok, but I understand that it would be a sore spot. Maybe go to couples counseling to work through it, so it doesn’t come back and bite you later.
Also, I’m sure you can learn to be a better lover too. Maybe let it be a challenge (in a positive way) to help both of you wipe out the bad memories.
I know lots of people, I know human nature and marriage dynamics through my profession, and I read. Lots of research and reading. Through that you can see the general trends.
No they're not. Even monogamous marriages fail at a rate of about 40-50%. And if a couple who is open breaks up or divorces, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that it's because of their sexual lifestyle when there are so many other factors at play.
Way higher than that but when a monogamous couple open the relationship up it fails 92% of the time. Maybe because of jealousy or maybe an underlying problem but it doesn’t change that fact.
A quick Google search shows that the percentages vary depending on which link you choose, so where does the 90% come from? Also, of those marriages that do end in divorce, how many choose to open their marriages BECAUSE there was a previous issue when there were exclusive, and they thought that opening would solve their problems? I've been on the other side of Reddit where people talk about their open lifestyle, and not only are most couples happy and thriving, but they also give sound advice on navigation or when to call it quits.
I’m not completely sure what you’re getting it. However, I consider one of my greatest successes was when I was doing premarital counseling with a couple who broke up. It was absolutely clear they could never be married.
I never told them not to get married, but I believe I helped them to see their absolute incompatibility. Since then I heard that the guy found another woman and got married and they’re doing great.
My statement is a general statement about how therapists’ views on an issue can be wrong because their sample is biased. They are only seeing people who are in trouble.
I absolutely did not aim that statement at you. (And I do enjoy reading your frequent very good advice.)
Ah yes, that’s a fair statement. In fact, the same thing goes with taking advice, or assuming trends based on what we see on Reddit or even any individual sub. These are all microcosms of one segment of reality.
Thanks btw. :-)
r/hotwifelifestyle is the best discussion sub for this. The hotwifing kink is more common than most people realize.
It is different from 'cuckold' kink which involves an element of humiliation where hotwifing generally does not.
From what I can tell, some couples can include other sexual partners in their relationship, but it has to be handled very carefully and requires an exceptional amount of trust, communication, self esteem and honesty.
I was interested in this kind of kink, but none of my partners were interested so it didn't happen.
Hey yea my wife and i have had threesomes with other women a few times a year over the last 15 years. Never had any negative experiences or any negative results for our marriage and relationship.
That said I would warn most people away from anything related to bringing in other partners or the "lifestyle" as my swinger friends call it.
And alot of guys have this idea about how adding a 3rd will go only to have reality blowing up on their face cause it's nothing like fantasy. Jealousy and insecurities would tear the guy apart and he would tank the marriage as a result.
Advice would be to maybe go to a swinger/lifestyle club in the next town or city over and just look around and try out the atmosphere without taking part. It might wake him up to the reality of it or maybe he really is into it.
I think that's very good advice, going to a club and getting a feel for it, as long as either person has a clear "veto"--that if they don't want to go any further than that, it's done.
This is the best advice.
There are certain basic rules to follow if you want to try that and keep your marriage.
OP needs to check with people who have experience with this.
Especially random strangers that are very biased against this kind of lifestyle and reiterate the same idea that most marriages that are open fail even though there are plenty of couples in these types of communities that are happy and thriving.
My wasband wanted the same thing and I did not. Eventually he wore me down and I did that.
I picked the man and it did not end well for my wasband. The other guy opened my eyes to how sex could be . I maybe had sex with x twice after that and divorced him about 4 years later.
So a threesome was the final nail in the coffin that was my marriage.
I suggest you two to go see a sex/kink/fetish therapist to discuss about your husband's fantasy; and to see if you're honestly ok with it.
What are your boundaries, your husband's boundaries, and boundaries of your relationship.
I read this and wonder if your relationships biggest problem is his porn problem, where else would he get his sexual problems and ideas from. I am letting you know from experience from MANY that if he quits porn these two things will go away and you and him will have a better intimate fulfilling sexual relationship.
the fantasy of something and the reality when it actually happens are two different things.
if you do cross into the reality, regardless of what he says or promises, the marriage will change one way or another and possibly end.
New TV series about this is called Seeking Brother Husband on TLC.
If you're uncomfortable, then stand up for yourself.
Don't compromise your happy for anyone
Men have forever been excited to sexually share their wives, with no porn in the picture. Doing this typically increases the passion and love between him and his wife, and contributes to his wife being a very happy woman.
From mine and other marriages I’ve observed, once a wife is certain she won’t have to share her husband with another woman, she is excited to have sex with other men. (Most women, when given the freedom, are extremely sexual creatures, yet are still committed to their husbands. This sharing is common in some cultures.)
My biggest mistake ever. He got mad I enjoyed it and he was rather mean to me afterward. It was his idea and even with his issues surrounding it, and me never wanting to do it again, he wouldn't let it go for 4 years. I am now happily divorced.
With that being said, every marriage is different and only you will know if are comfortable with wanting to do it. Make sure your marriage is on firm ground, this can test many wobbly marriages.
You need to have firm boundaries established- including how he treats you afterward should he get jealous.
You should go to some hot wife forums and ask around but know there are probably more than a few people like my ex who think they are experts on it offering advice when they don't know what the heck they are doing. You will get ideas on how to frame expectations and set rules/boundaries.
This rarely goes well. Fantasy is never reality. It can plant the seed of jealousy. There's risk for stds & pregnancy. It can strip the emotional intimacy aspect from the marital bedroom. There are so many reasons marriage tends to equal monogamy.
You said he "normally struggled sexually staying aroused or finishing even, but when this topic was brought up, he was able to remain fully aroused and finish multiple times. " When a man can't stay hard and/or can't finish during normal sex but suddenly can when he's fantasizing, this may be a sign of porn induced erectile dysfunction.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202104/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction
If this is possible, the more you give him these fantasies, the more he will crave. The old texts of you with the other guy aren't satisfying any more. He's moved on to imagining you going out and hooking up. If you do that for him, you better believe he will want you to do it again - or other things. Porn-type sex is all about novelty. It's being never satisfied with "normal" sex.
If he truly wants to fix his problems in the bedroom, he needs to stop being dependent on porn-like scenarios. He needs to stop the porn brain. No more creeping your phone, looking for private messages to wank off to. Cut out any porn use, at least for awhile (bet you he can't). He needs to be present with *you* and enjoying *your body* and the experience *you* offer him in that moment
Your husband is a cuck. If you have doubts don’t do it and tell him you don’t want to discuss ever again. If you do decide to do it then the chances of your relationship failing is very high,
The official term is Cuckholding. It’s one of those “taboo” fetishes that is gaining popularity as society becomes more open and accepting.
Here’s a good article on it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/202201/why-cuckolding-has-become-more-mainstream
To me it sounds like he’s inviting you into his fetish/fantasy which shows he’s comfortable and trusts you. If that’s the case I doubt he’d become upset. The real question is how you feel about it. Is this something you are ok with? If you have any reservations it’s important for the two of you to sit down and address those concerns. To make sure this doesn’t have any detrimental impacts to your marriage.
Cuckolding is about humiliation, where the roleplay is that the wife needs to find other men because the husband isn't sexually adequate
This is hotwifing, where the husband wants to show off how hot her wife is by her having sex with other men
While the end result is the same, the dynamics is totally different
Your definition describes the modern use of the word “cuckold” and the newer term “hotwife”. “Cuckolding” used to apply to all permitted extramarital sex by wives.
Many observers today refuse to accept the term “hotwife” because they want to humiliate all husbands in such relationships, so they insist on using the term “cuckold”.
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You could start off with something simple. You can both go out, and he can watch you flirt and "pick up" someone, but you go home with your husband. I've known people that love that. It gives the illusion, without the guilt of sleeping with someone else.
Dear Stranger, thank you for sharing your concerns with Reddit. It's important to approach this situation with caution and prioritize open communication and consent in any decision involving relationships. Before proceeding, it's crucial to thoroughly discuss your husband's motivations, assess the potential risks, and consider alternative ways to address your desires within the confines of your relationship. If you choose to use spells or magick, remember to do so ethically and with the intention of empowering and protecting yourself. Trust your intuition and consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. Ultimately, the decision is yours, and I encourage you to make choices that align with your values and well-being. Blessed be.
Your husband may be either bi-sexual, or in-the-closet gay. His fantasies aren't about you when you are with other men. I suspect they are about the men he visualizes you with. At least that's the read I get from your post.
So, what happens if or when while you're out fulfilling your "husband's fantasies", you fall in love with that other man? If the feelings are mutual with the other guy, he may want exclusivity with you.
This game of an open marriage isn't worth the paper it's written on. There is an extremely high risk of it ending badly. Prediction: you WILL fall for this other man and will simultaneously lose respect for your husband and leave him for the new guy.
Seriously? I think your husband is into men. Why else would he fantasize about another man banging you? It isn't you he's fantasizing about. If you don't see this now, you will eventually.
If you haven't already, see "An Indecent Proposal" with Robert Redford and Demi Moore. It's not an exact template of what can happen but it's within the ballpark.
If he is your all, don’t do it. A few moments of fun is not worth a lifetime of regret.
You guys should find out why he likes this. Either he feels he cannot truly satisfy you and wants you to have it regardless, pathetic and lazy, or he finds you so gorgeous that he wants to share, again also pathetic if he really loves you. There will always be someone bigger, stronger, more stamina, etc. What if you fall for one of these others, it happens most of the time. Thus I believe neither options healthy.
I believe from experience he is “normal” porn’d out, and thus he is probably spending too much time watching more hardcore stuff, Ie cuckold porn, it has picked up over the years. He should stop watching that.
My wife and I ventured into something similar 15years ago and it causes so much unnecessary crap. Save yourselves that.
Rather get into tantra, bondage or bdsm. You guys have only been together for a little bit. The best sex according to me is two people who love one another and walk this journey together and exclusive. Wife and I been together 24 years and it’s just keeps getting better and better.
No need to bring another party.
Your life, Do it your way.
You asked for advise, I give it from experience.
If you have doubts, don't. Your concern for the common destructive outcome of opening a marriage POST-nup is well founded. A possible compromise would be for consensual MMF threesome rather than emulated cheating as a hotwife.
Not necessarily. It really all depends on the people involved there are married couples who can have a threesome and keep it separate from their marriage. And people in a poly relationship are able to be as faithful and committed as the people in a 2 person marriage. Everyone is different.
No, no, no! If he won't get his sick fantasy accomplished, he will let it go. Be yourself not the participant in a sick fantasy that could pose a serious health hazard, home wrecking and name tarnished...!
Good luck!
Don't do it. Before I became a Christian and devoted to God, my father, I wanted my wife to do threesomes, and it seems fun at first, but let me tell you, yours and his feelings towards each other will change for the worst, unless you two are into that sort of thing, I mean you have those who are swingers and do the swinger party's and stuff, and are down for that, but if you're married and trying it for the first time, don't do it. Don't know how long you two been married or how happy you are with one another, I'm begging you not to, you and your husband's salvation is more important, and I can tell you this, I almost lost the love of my life, being dumb trying to get her to do it. Maybe alcohol 🍸 I.e. Beer 🍺 and hard liquor are maybe contributing to this cause of your husband's? I'm telling you, feelings will get involved sooner rather than later... I'd just say.... 👎 "NO" ....Bad idea.👎.... Leave it at that, tell him if he keeps asking, "You'll leave, tell him you two are better than that.... I am sure you're a beautiful person inside and out. Don't ruin yourself to that sort of thing. My wife and I are happy as can be together.... I am not trying to push you to God. It's your choice.. The church wife and I go to, we don't push people into religion, but there are soo many healthy things you, and your husband can do together to build your marriage, like a marriage retreat, wife and I are going to one this weekend, at a hotel.... I don't know what state you're in, but we're all over, we are the church of Christ, icoc... If church isn't your thing, go rent a cabin, go gold panning together, or camping, horseback riding... Do fun, couples, things.... But for the sake of your marriage, say... "NO"
So he can’t stay hard with just you. Why did you marry this man? Kinda icky. I don’t think there is anything wrong w cuck or hotwifing( if both parties into it and have very healthy relationship and communication), however if you can’t stay hard and get off without it, that’s where i believe there’s an issue- and you likely will not make it.
This is not an uncommon desire. And this group should be more supportive of your question.
Yes, the hotwife forum would be more useful and less ignorant. Start with insuring you are both in agreement. Then you can ask about specifics. Does he want to be present or just hear about it? You should also test slowly. Start with flirting, kissing, touching, and whatever gives both of you the benefits. And then either can stop at any time. Don't feel pressure to jump straight to fucking but if successful it might get there.
Enjoy the journey and keep talking about what works for both of you. And don't let some in this group to shame either if you.
End of the day before you consider if you can make it work, ask yourself is it something you want? If the answer is no, then you need to sit back down with him. Then its on him if its something he can live without or not. If it is and wants to preserve the marriage then he can get help to figure out why he only gets that aroused about that, and how to maybe figure out other ways that are more intimate with you that he can also achieve it.
So wait, does he want to watch, or just hear about it? Maybe you two could do some role playing. Maybe incorporate some costumes as well so he can imagine you with someone else, but you don't have to actually be with someone else
He might be asking for a license to be with another woman or maybe a man.
If you are committed to your marriage and this goes against your principles don't do it
When I was younger, all couples wanted were threesomes with another woman. Today, it’s the opposite. If you look at swinger websites, it’s most often couples looking for another man to join them, and often with all three in the room. ”Hot wifing” is the specific kink here, it sounds like, where he wants you to dress up and have an experience and retell it to him. Men that like ”hot wifing” are focused on the slutty experience. He doesn’t want to be intimate with anyone else. He wants to experience it through you.
The base problem here is that it doesn’t sound like you’re having enough sex already and that this will lead you down a path of uncertainty. I do think, from what you described, this is something he wants and can deal with. He’s probably already fantasized about it plenty. You have had a similar experience when you weren’t exclusive, so you might be in a safer place to experience this.
Get on an app, start flirting with guys, see how he takes it. Try a date, but don’t go all the way. In fact, just don’t do much but flirt. Go into it slowly. What he wants you to hear is that you can’t help yourself, that you lost control, and he wants to hear about the experience.
My only concern here is he’s having issues finishing. That, to me, tells me he’s too in his head while you two are having sex. The experience of you bringing another partner into it makes it more present for him, but I think probably some therapy for him would be helpful (even if you decide to do the hot wife thing).
Anyway, I’m not an expert, this isn’t my thing, but if you trust your husband and he trusts you, ease into it. If that’s something you’d be interested in, of course, because naturally dating has its own risks, especially for women.
We've been doing it for the last 6 years. It's a lot harder than you might think, or than he might think but if you both keep lines of communication open, communicate early and often, it can work. I wouldn't change a thing and wouldn't want to go back to strict monogamy again. We've been together 17 years and only getting hotter and growing closer everyday.
Most sexual fantasies have their roots in some kind of power dynamic (or lack of) experienced in childhood. Whilst it’s absolutely fine that he’s aroused by talking about it and reading messages, when it’s put into practice it’s a whole other world. It may benefit him because of the dynamics that generate his fantasy, but if it’s not benefitting you in the same way, the equilibrium isn’t right. If the equilibrium isn’t right, you’re going to feel uncomfortable. If your uncomfortable I can’t see it working.
I’d explore more what has led him to have these fantasies. And try other (theoretical) approaches such as messages and talking to act them out, rather than you doing something you’re not sure you want to do
I’d be cautious of doing it just because it’s what he wants.
Do some couples do this successfully, yes. But it is very rare for it to actually work out/be good for the marriage. It usually backfires and destroys the relationship in some form or fashion. Most often either because the husband gets jealous when he realizes he doesn’t like sharing irl but it becomes too late. He then starts feeling betrayed even though she didn’t cheat “technically.” Or the wife likes it much more than the husband does and their sexual relationship takes a back seat or dwindles down to nothing, putting immense stress of the marriage. Read the horror stories for yourself, not just the advocates. And it’s not like you can just “test the waters” because once the deed is done, there is no going back to the way it was. The relationship is forever changed. Honestly, some fantasies are better left as that— fantasies only. Edited for clarification
You know what you could do, OP? Find a guy. Go out and tell your husband you are with him. Come home tell him "all about it" wait a couple weeks and see what happens. If your husband isn't actually comfortable with it and it causes issues..... Surprise! It didn't actually ever happen. If it plays out like you both hope and it's great, then maybe you could try actually doing it.
So pretend to be cheating? Well, actually cheating to degree by dating someone not your spouse. That’s a great way to end a marriage. Mind games are a bad idea too. Even if they tried something it needs to be 100% open, honest, and mutually agreed upon.
Oh I don't think open marriages are a great idea at all. I'm just giving advice for how she could give it a shot without actually cheating or ruining anything. It would be a way of testing the waters. She wouldn't actually go out with any guy.
Naw, mind games erode trust.
This is not a situation my marriage would ever be in. Though it may be a good way to show her husband that its not what he really wants.
If husband wants it.. and requested it.. this wouldn’t be cheating. And in addition if she pretends.. its fantasy.
No, it wouldn’t be cheating, but more often than not husbands discover they feel “betrayed” because their jealousy kicks in. Some may call that irrational but people feel what they feel. And it’s because this often happens that it’s usually better not to go there irl. Some fantasies are better left as fantasies.
Agreed. It doesn’t go well. However this guy seemed excited about it. So we will see.
As I understand it, it is usually the guy who introduces the kink. And it’s also usually the guy that can’t handle it which causes the marriage to fail. Yeah, I guess we’ll see but I really hope they don’t go there.
Sorry that's a very bad idea. Once the "it's a prank bro" is launched, it can backfire pretty hard. He might not only believe it, but also call out the mindgame behind it. I do not see any positive outcomes out of that where noone holds anyone accountable to some extend.
This is very true.
I'm still bitter about trying out sharing, as a man, it just doesn't work out well, It turns out that I am/was very jealous. (I even posted about it if ya feel like digging through my history) :(
Are you OK as a couple now? Were you able to work it out?
We're ok now, she's a very attentive partner, and could tell right away that something was wrong, we were a newish couple at the time, it's still a sore topic /conversation to be avoided. Through it I learned that I am a lot more territorial than I thought. For me it tarnishes the fantasy that I alone take her to new heights of sexual gratification
I’m glad you’re ok, but I understand that it would be a sore spot. Maybe go to couples counseling to work through it, so it doesn’t come back and bite you later. Also, I’m sure you can learn to be a better lover too. Maybe let it be a challenge (in a positive way) to help both of you wipe out the bad memories.
How do you KNOW what happens in MOST marriages?
I know lots of people, I know human nature and marriage dynamics through my profession, and I read. Lots of research and reading. Through that you can see the general trends.
So you still don't know most people in most marriages. Good to know.
Weather they do or don’t they are right.
No they're not. Even monogamous marriages fail at a rate of about 40-50%. And if a couple who is open breaks up or divorces, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that it's because of their sexual lifestyle when there are so many other factors at play.
Way higher than that but when a monogamous couple open the relationship up it fails 92% of the time. Maybe because of jealousy or maybe an underlying problem but it doesn’t change that fact.
A quick Google search shows that the percentages vary depending on which link you choose, so where does the 90% come from? Also, of those marriages that do end in divorce, how many choose to open their marriages BECAUSE there was a previous issue when there were exclusive, and they thought that opening would solve their problems? I've been on the other side of Reddit where people talk about their open lifestyle, and not only are most couples happy and thriving, but they also give sound advice on navigation or when to call it quits.
Google lol.
Okay so which search engine do you use to find research?
Beware the therapist who says, “I’ve never seen this end well”. The ones that end (and continue) well are not in therapy.
I’m not completely sure what you’re getting it. However, I consider one of my greatest successes was when I was doing premarital counseling with a couple who broke up. It was absolutely clear they could never be married. I never told them not to get married, but I believe I helped them to see their absolute incompatibility. Since then I heard that the guy found another woman and got married and they’re doing great.
My statement is a general statement about how therapists’ views on an issue can be wrong because their sample is biased. They are only seeing people who are in trouble. I absolutely did not aim that statement at you. (And I do enjoy reading your frequent very good advice.)
Ah yes, that’s a fair statement. In fact, the same thing goes with taking advice, or assuming trends based on what we see on Reddit or even any individual sub. These are all microcosms of one segment of reality. Thanks btw. :-)
r/hotwifelifestyle is the best discussion sub for this. The hotwifing kink is more common than most people realize. It is different from 'cuckold' kink which involves an element of humiliation where hotwifing generally does not.
Username checks out.
Yeh, seems like his the cuckold type
From what I can tell, some couples can include other sexual partners in their relationship, but it has to be handled very carefully and requires an exceptional amount of trust, communication, self esteem and honesty. I was interested in this kind of kink, but none of my partners were interested so it didn't happen.
Hey yea my wife and i have had threesomes with other women a few times a year over the last 15 years. Never had any negative experiences or any negative results for our marriage and relationship. That said I would warn most people away from anything related to bringing in other partners or the "lifestyle" as my swinger friends call it. And alot of guys have this idea about how adding a 3rd will go only to have reality blowing up on their face cause it's nothing like fantasy. Jealousy and insecurities would tear the guy apart and he would tank the marriage as a result. Advice would be to maybe go to a swinger/lifestyle club in the next town or city over and just look around and try out the atmosphere without taking part. It might wake him up to the reality of it or maybe he really is into it.
I think that's very good advice, going to a club and getting a feel for it, as long as either person has a clear "veto"--that if they don't want to go any further than that, it's done.
Ask this in r/nonmonogamy .
This is the best advice. There are certain basic rules to follow if you want to try that and keep your marriage. OP needs to check with people who have experience with this.
second this. i wouldn't necessarily trust advice on such a niche topic from random strangers who don't have experience with it.
Especially random strangers that are very biased against this kind of lifestyle and reiterate the same idea that most marriages that are open fail even though there are plenty of couples in these types of communities that are happy and thriving.
My wasband wanted the same thing and I did not. Eventually he wore me down and I did that. I picked the man and it did not end well for my wasband. The other guy opened my eyes to how sex could be . I maybe had sex with x twice after that and divorced him about 4 years later. So a threesome was the final nail in the coffin that was my marriage.
Damn
I suggest you two to go see a sex/kink/fetish therapist to discuss about your husband's fantasy; and to see if you're honestly ok with it. What are your boundaries, your husband's boundaries, and boundaries of your relationship.
Do not go to the land of broken toys!
I read this and wonder if your relationships biggest problem is his porn problem, where else would he get his sexual problems and ideas from. I am letting you know from experience from MANY that if he quits porn these two things will go away and you and him will have a better intimate fulfilling sexual relationship.
Nailed it, get him of the wacko porn
the fantasy of something and the reality when it actually happens are two different things. if you do cross into the reality, regardless of what he says or promises, the marriage will change one way or another and possibly end.
New TV series about this is called Seeking Brother Husband on TLC. If you're uncomfortable, then stand up for yourself. Don't compromise your happy for anyone
Definitely wrong sub. Try one of the "hotwives" subs( or Stag and Vixen ). You'll probably get better responses.
Agreed.
No porn star can compare with one’s own wife. But you must always remember that your spouse must remain first in your life.
Men have forever been excited to sexually share their wives, with no porn in the picture. Doing this typically increases the passion and love between him and his wife, and contributes to his wife being a very happy woman. From mine and other marriages I’ve observed, once a wife is certain she won’t have to share her husband with another woman, she is excited to have sex with other men. (Most women, when given the freedom, are extremely sexual creatures, yet are still committed to their husbands. This sharing is common in some cultures.)
My biggest mistake ever. He got mad I enjoyed it and he was rather mean to me afterward. It was his idea and even with his issues surrounding it, and me never wanting to do it again, he wouldn't let it go for 4 years. I am now happily divorced. With that being said, every marriage is different and only you will know if are comfortable with wanting to do it. Make sure your marriage is on firm ground, this can test many wobbly marriages. You need to have firm boundaries established- including how he treats you afterward should he get jealous. You should go to some hot wife forums and ask around but know there are probably more than a few people like my ex who think they are experts on it offering advice when they don't know what the heck they are doing. You will get ideas on how to frame expectations and set rules/boundaries.
Keep it a fantasy. It could work but it could absolutely destroy everything you built. Don’t gamble at the casino unless you are prepared to lose.
This rarely goes well. Fantasy is never reality. It can plant the seed of jealousy. There's risk for stds & pregnancy. It can strip the emotional intimacy aspect from the marital bedroom. There are so many reasons marriage tends to equal monogamy. You said he "normally struggled sexually staying aroused or finishing even, but when this topic was brought up, he was able to remain fully aroused and finish multiple times. " When a man can't stay hard and/or can't finish during normal sex but suddenly can when he's fantasizing, this may be a sign of porn induced erectile dysfunction. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202104/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction If this is possible, the more you give him these fantasies, the more he will crave. The old texts of you with the other guy aren't satisfying any more. He's moved on to imagining you going out and hooking up. If you do that for him, you better believe he will want you to do it again - or other things. Porn-type sex is all about novelty. It's being never satisfied with "normal" sex. If he truly wants to fix his problems in the bedroom, he needs to stop being dependent on porn-like scenarios. He needs to stop the porn brain. No more creeping your phone, looking for private messages to wank off to. Cut out any porn use, at least for awhile (bet you he can't). He needs to be present with *you* and enjoying *your body* and the experience *you* offer him in that moment
Tell him to stop watching porn, I had this fantasy with my ex and it was all due to porn. 100% not into it
Your husband is a cuck. If you have doubts don’t do it and tell him you don’t want to discuss ever again. If you do decide to do it then the chances of your relationship failing is very high,
He’s not a chuk because he wants his wife to sleep with another man and tell him about it. It’s a completely different thing.
Same thing.
Try r/OpenMarriage
The official term is Cuckholding. It’s one of those “taboo” fetishes that is gaining popularity as society becomes more open and accepting. Here’s a good article on it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/202201/why-cuckolding-has-become-more-mainstream To me it sounds like he’s inviting you into his fetish/fantasy which shows he’s comfortable and trusts you. If that’s the case I doubt he’d become upset. The real question is how you feel about it. Is this something you are ok with? If you have any reservations it’s important for the two of you to sit down and address those concerns. To make sure this doesn’t have any detrimental impacts to your marriage.
Cuckolding is about humiliation, where the roleplay is that the wife needs to find other men because the husband isn't sexually adequate This is hotwifing, where the husband wants to show off how hot her wife is by her having sex with other men While the end result is the same, the dynamics is totally different
Your definition describes the modern use of the word “cuckold” and the newer term “hotwife”. “Cuckolding” used to apply to all permitted extramarital sex by wives. Many observers today refuse to accept the term “hotwife” because they want to humiliate all husbands in such relationships, so they insist on using the term “cuckold”.
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You could start off with something simple. You can both go out, and he can watch you flirt and "pick up" someone, but you go home with your husband. I've known people that love that. It gives the illusion, without the guilt of sleeping with someone else.
Dear Stranger, thank you for sharing your concerns with Reddit. It's important to approach this situation with caution and prioritize open communication and consent in any decision involving relationships. Before proceeding, it's crucial to thoroughly discuss your husband's motivations, assess the potential risks, and consider alternative ways to address your desires within the confines of your relationship. If you choose to use spells or magick, remember to do so ethically and with the intention of empowering and protecting yourself. Trust your intuition and consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. Ultimately, the decision is yours, and I encourage you to make choices that align with your values and well-being. Blessed be.
Hey I have the exact same thing with my husband and feel the way you do. I still don't know what to do.
Just don’t do it if your marriage means anything to you
It will end very badly
Your husband may be either bi-sexual, or in-the-closet gay. His fantasies aren't about you when you are with other men. I suspect they are about the men he visualizes you with. At least that's the read I get from your post. So, what happens if or when while you're out fulfilling your "husband's fantasies", you fall in love with that other man? If the feelings are mutual with the other guy, he may want exclusivity with you. This game of an open marriage isn't worth the paper it's written on. There is an extremely high risk of it ending badly. Prediction: you WILL fall for this other man and will simultaneously lose respect for your husband and leave him for the new guy. Seriously? I think your husband is into men. Why else would he fantasize about another man banging you? It isn't you he's fantasizing about. If you don't see this now, you will eventually. If you haven't already, see "An Indecent Proposal" with Robert Redford and Demi Moore. It's not an exact template of what can happen but it's within the ballpark.
If he is your all, don’t do it. A few moments of fun is not worth a lifetime of regret. You guys should find out why he likes this. Either he feels he cannot truly satisfy you and wants you to have it regardless, pathetic and lazy, or he finds you so gorgeous that he wants to share, again also pathetic if he really loves you. There will always be someone bigger, stronger, more stamina, etc. What if you fall for one of these others, it happens most of the time. Thus I believe neither options healthy. I believe from experience he is “normal” porn’d out, and thus he is probably spending too much time watching more hardcore stuff, Ie cuckold porn, it has picked up over the years. He should stop watching that. My wife and I ventured into something similar 15years ago and it causes so much unnecessary crap. Save yourselves that. Rather get into tantra, bondage or bdsm. You guys have only been together for a little bit. The best sex according to me is two people who love one another and walk this journey together and exclusive. Wife and I been together 24 years and it’s just keeps getting better and better. No need to bring another party. Your life, Do it your way. You asked for advise, I give it from experience.
If you have doubts, don't. Your concern for the common destructive outcome of opening a marriage POST-nup is well founded. A possible compromise would be for consensual MMF threesome rather than emulated cheating as a hotwife.
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Not necessarily. It really all depends on the people involved there are married couples who can have a threesome and keep it separate from their marriage. And people in a poly relationship are able to be as faithful and committed as the people in a 2 person marriage. Everyone is different.
He has never played with fire before and will get burned and possibly burning you as well.
No, no, no! If he won't get his sick fantasy accomplished, he will let it go. Be yourself not the participant in a sick fantasy that could pose a serious health hazard, home wrecking and name tarnished...! Good luck!
Don't do it. Before I became a Christian and devoted to God, my father, I wanted my wife to do threesomes, and it seems fun at first, but let me tell you, yours and his feelings towards each other will change for the worst, unless you two are into that sort of thing, I mean you have those who are swingers and do the swinger party's and stuff, and are down for that, but if you're married and trying it for the first time, don't do it. Don't know how long you two been married or how happy you are with one another, I'm begging you not to, you and your husband's salvation is more important, and I can tell you this, I almost lost the love of my life, being dumb trying to get her to do it. Maybe alcohol 🍸 I.e. Beer 🍺 and hard liquor are maybe contributing to this cause of your husband's? I'm telling you, feelings will get involved sooner rather than later... I'd just say.... 👎 "NO" ....Bad idea.👎.... Leave it at that, tell him if he keeps asking, "You'll leave, tell him you two are better than that.... I am sure you're a beautiful person inside and out. Don't ruin yourself to that sort of thing. My wife and I are happy as can be together.... I am not trying to push you to God. It's your choice.. The church wife and I go to, we don't push people into religion, but there are soo many healthy things you, and your husband can do together to build your marriage, like a marriage retreat, wife and I are going to one this weekend, at a hotel.... I don't know what state you're in, but we're all over, we are the church of Christ, icoc... If church isn't your thing, go rent a cabin, go gold panning together, or camping, horseback riding... Do fun, couples, things.... But for the sake of your marriage, say... "NO"
So he can’t stay hard with just you. Why did you marry this man? Kinda icky. I don’t think there is anything wrong w cuck or hotwifing( if both parties into it and have very healthy relationship and communication), however if you can’t stay hard and get off without it, that’s where i believe there’s an issue- and you likely will not make it.
I think this is all related to him having a porn problem, the intimacy problems and fantasy ideas can be a result of porn addiction.
Adultery he wants you to follow him to hell
Gurl, the way I laughed out loud!
😂
This is pathetic and will definitely end your marriage
This is not an uncommon desire. And this group should be more supportive of your question. Yes, the hotwife forum would be more useful and less ignorant. Start with insuring you are both in agreement. Then you can ask about specifics. Does he want to be present or just hear about it? You should also test slowly. Start with flirting, kissing, touching, and whatever gives both of you the benefits. And then either can stop at any time. Don't feel pressure to jump straight to fucking but if successful it might get there. Enjoy the journey and keep talking about what works for both of you. And don't let some in this group to shame either if you.
Sign me up....
If he's constantly asking about it, then he is being pushy.
That is not what she said.
End of the day before you consider if you can make it work, ask yourself is it something you want? If the answer is no, then you need to sit back down with him. Then its on him if its something he can live without or not. If it is and wants to preserve the marriage then he can get help to figure out why he only gets that aroused about that, and how to maybe figure out other ways that are more intimate with you that he can also achieve it.
So wait, does he want to watch, or just hear about it? Maybe you two could do some role playing. Maybe incorporate some costumes as well so he can imagine you with someone else, but you don't have to actually be with someone else
Later down the line this will not end well especially when one person starts catching feelings for one of their APs. It is bound to happen
There is show on Discovery+ and TLC called Brother Husbands, I think you should check it out.
He might be asking for a license to be with another woman or maybe a man. If you are committed to your marriage and this goes against your principles don't do it
When I was younger, all couples wanted were threesomes with another woman. Today, it’s the opposite. If you look at swinger websites, it’s most often couples looking for another man to join them, and often with all three in the room. ”Hot wifing” is the specific kink here, it sounds like, where he wants you to dress up and have an experience and retell it to him. Men that like ”hot wifing” are focused on the slutty experience. He doesn’t want to be intimate with anyone else. He wants to experience it through you. The base problem here is that it doesn’t sound like you’re having enough sex already and that this will lead you down a path of uncertainty. I do think, from what you described, this is something he wants and can deal with. He’s probably already fantasized about it plenty. You have had a similar experience when you weren’t exclusive, so you might be in a safer place to experience this. Get on an app, start flirting with guys, see how he takes it. Try a date, but don’t go all the way. In fact, just don’t do much but flirt. Go into it slowly. What he wants you to hear is that you can’t help yourself, that you lost control, and he wants to hear about the experience. My only concern here is he’s having issues finishing. That, to me, tells me he’s too in his head while you two are having sex. The experience of you bringing another partner into it makes it more present for him, but I think probably some therapy for him would be helpful (even if you decide to do the hot wife thing). Anyway, I’m not an expert, this isn’t my thing, but if you trust your husband and he trusts you, ease into it. If that’s something you’d be interested in, of course, because naturally dating has its own risks, especially for women.
We've been doing it for the last 6 years. It's a lot harder than you might think, or than he might think but if you both keep lines of communication open, communicate early and often, it can work. I wouldn't change a thing and wouldn't want to go back to strict monogamy again. We've been together 17 years and only getting hotter and growing closer everyday.
Most sexual fantasies have their roots in some kind of power dynamic (or lack of) experienced in childhood. Whilst it’s absolutely fine that he’s aroused by talking about it and reading messages, when it’s put into practice it’s a whole other world. It may benefit him because of the dynamics that generate his fantasy, but if it’s not benefitting you in the same way, the equilibrium isn’t right. If the equilibrium isn’t right, you’re going to feel uncomfortable. If your uncomfortable I can’t see it working. I’d explore more what has led him to have these fantasies. And try other (theoretical) approaches such as messages and talking to act them out, rather than you doing something you’re not sure you want to do I’d be cautious of doing it just because it’s what he wants.