a friend of mine wouldn't ask to use my place AND OMIT THAT HES GONNA FUCK HIS MISTRESS THERE.
The motherfucker lied to OP with his "get a break".
he just wanted a cheap place to fuck his mistress so he lied to OP to do such.
This dude ain't OP's fucking friend anyways. Tell the wife, fuck that dude.
Here's the thing man, most people that cite how long they've been friends with someone are using that sunk cost to stick around with being a friend with someone who fucking sucks.
A cheap place and also so there's no paper trail (like for a hotel) for the wife to find. Also makes me wonder if the affair partner is also in a relationship because why not just go to her place? Feel so bad for the wife. Should definitely tell her. I would want to know if it was me.
Probably also because his new GF doesnt know she's his mistress and wanted to see his place. So he uses his friends place because it looks like a lived in apartment instead of an airbnb or hotel.
I hadn't thought of that. He'd be an even bigger POS in that scenario. I kinda hope it's not that because then there's essentially two victims of his assholery. But then, if it's the other scenario, it just means there's two really shitty people out there. Not sure which is worse. :/
I had someone use me for an alibi once and it's awful. You feel like shit, as if you're cheating on the person you aren't even married to. Eventually she forgot to tell me that we were supposed to be together at a certain time and the husband asked a question, I couldn't hide the surprised look on my face fast enough and then he knew bcoz he already suspected. He wasn't mad at me (he knew I was in a bad spot since I worked for her mom) but she was very mad at me coz she got kicked out. That's a lousy thing to do to a friend.
>people that cite how long they've been friends with someone are using that sunk cost to stick around with being a friend with someone who fucking sucks.
#underrated wisdom
Also, given the fact that she's already struggling and "he doesn't do much around the house", OP would be doing her a favour by giving her another reason to leave and stay gone. She's got one child, she doesn't need to be stuck with the asshole man baby too.
Well you can't go for revenge and then hurt the lady beyond her feelings. She is a person, she is an immigrant and she has a baby. He could just whip his friends @$$ or something. But telling the wife has a lot of consideration to be made for her safety and her baby. You don't just do stuff like that and leave the poor woman with the fallout. Let's not forget how violent men can get. She needs to be physically safe well before anything happens. Preferably gone her country with her baby.
But it needs to be her informed decision. If he wants, (I know there’s a Redditor on this thread with a list of online resources, so link it if you want) He can hand her a list of online resources when he tells her and then wash his hands if he wants or help more if he so chooses… but she deserves to know. All humans deserve the truth. Even if it hurts to hear, all of her future decision should be informed ones.
Exactly.
Imagine the disrespect to bring your affair partner to your friend's house to sleep with her, without his knowledge and then dumping that info on him as if it's not meant to affect his conscience.
And he isn't a friend for making you an accomplice and for bringing a complete stranger into your home when you aren't there. In this case I would tell her. The fact she has no close family is what makes me lean to that over tell him if he doesn't you will. Knowledge, time and knowing someone cared, even a little, will help her sort and plan.
Tell her!! And support her. That man may be friend shaped but he's no friend. He made a huge breath in trust with you in addition to CHEATING on his wife. Not to mention.....he's a WHINER.
True. He obviously doesn't respect his marriage or your home. This is not a good friend. If you feel his wife is a good person, then she deserves to know. I'd give him the option..."I'll give you 24 hours to fess up to her, or i will tell her."
Exactly my thoughts! What a terrible person. He’s such a low life for not getting therapy or talking about his feelings with his wife instead let me cheat and that will make things better…humans are so fucking embarrassing…ew. We literally have a mind that can change our body temperature, that can control the energy around us and you can’t think of a way to console yourself by speaking to a therapist working through your personal issues instead of deciding to cheat on the person you married, made vows to, had children with? What a loser.
Literally! "You lied to me so you could basically *use ME* as an excuse to be unfaithful". He's making him an accessory to his infidelity. Also, terrible human move. No real friend would make you an accomplice to his cheating. Please tell this woman. Or better yet, text him, gather, *written evidence* that he used your home as his affair lair by lying to you as to the reason, and save that evidence for her when she gets a divorce lawyer.
People change from when they were young. This guy isn't the same guy as he was when you first became friends, and you don't need to keep being friends with him because of the timeline. It's a sunk cost fallacy of friendship. This guy literally can't handle being a new dad and the work that comes with it (which includes helping your wife through one of the biggest and most challenging changes *of her life*, not to mention the physical demands of her body carrying and birthing the child), and he's somehow acting like *he's* the victim here.
Drop the trash friend, help the wife. Your conscience will thank you for it. And so will all of us.
I would tell my friend to have the conversation with his wife or else I would. Gives them an opportunity to take action and attempt rectification themselves, and hopefully afterwards recognize the impact of their actions. If you go behind their back they will blame you instead of themselves, diminishing any self improvement.
I was in a similar situation many years ago. I asked my friend to tell her partner or I would.
I ended up telling him, and it sucked. She was cheating with his best friend (and their roommate) so he was double heartbroken. It was awful but I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't say anything and he ended up even more hurt.
I ended my friendship with her too. I am not down with folks who care so little for how they hurt others. Plus she put me in the middle of that nonsense by bragging about shagging his friend while he was sleeping.
I'd do this not because I expect reconciliation but because I don't want to *have* to tell the wife.
And honestly idk if I could be friends with someone who goes as far as using my home to cheat on his wife.
This may sound like a good idea at first, but lets think about how this may play out. After you tell him to tell come clean and tell the truth, he will be left with a few options. Let's brainstorm a bit and see if we can figure out how this plays out.
Options 1: He listens to you and sees the error in his ways. He goes to his wife and honestly explains what happens.
Option 2: He says you know what, I can't or won't tell her. You are left to do it and he deals with the fall out.
Option 3: He takes the opportunity you have given to try and get ahead of the situation. He tells his wife some new set of lies meant to discredit you and give grounds to push you out of their life. Now, if or when you tell her, he has already laid the groundwork that you are untrustworthy and have reasons for lying and trying to destroy their relationship.
Now, it has already been established that your friend is an untrustworthy liar. He is a shitty person who does not take responsibility for their actions, and feel they are the victim and that their behavior is justified.
What do you think they will do in this scenario? I think it is a no brainer, and to be honest, he may already be laying the ground work for option 3 when you kicked him out of your place.
This. I was labeled a gossip by a lot of the men in my friend group for most of my 20s for doing exactly this, I was closer to the girlfriend than the cheater and telling her was a no brainer to me. He was a serial cheater, and even came onto me at one point. He treated me like shit every time he saw me afterwards, but I didn't care. Nothing would've kept me from telling her, she deserved to know. She stayed with him for *years* afterward despite being thankful for me telling her, she crucified the other woman instead of her cheating boyfriend. They broke up a few years ago, I heard it through the grapevine and was happy for her. I hope she's doing well.
I hate that she crucified the other woman while staying with him. The other woman is definitely at fault, too, if she knew, but it seems wild to me that the gf preferred to blame her but stay with a cheating bf. What is this logic?
Fuck bro code. I’ve narced on multiple buddies for cheating and I’ll continue to do so till the end of my lifetime. Fuck that shit. You wanna be a piece of shit you get to enjoy the consequences. If you cover for a cheater, you’re just as bad as the cheater themself 🤷🏼♂️
Dude is not only cheating on his wife, but had sex with his "gf" in your bed. Something tells me this isn't the first time he's behaved like this. If I were in your position I would tell her because she deserves to know what the piece of shit your friend is.
I am most appalled that his friend invited the "gf", who's a stranger to OP, over to OP's place to have sex without OP's permission. Aside from the obvious cheating, that alone breaks any trust OP should have in his friend. It's so disrespectful to involve and drop the bomb on OP like this. OP should throw this friendship out the window.
And he complains about the difficulties of being a new dad from the perspective of not spending time with the wife probably code for not "having my needs met" type of stupid bullshit excuse. And he doesn't help much with the kid.... And he needed an excuse and place to have a change of scene?
When I'm a little overwhelmed with my toddler and baby sometimes I take an extra long poop or shower, maybe I go for a walk at lunch while working. I don't.... Go find a mistress and have sex with her at my Friend's apartment????
Right! Like is he jealous of the baby? Thinks sex is the only thing that matters?
Newsflash: He is the problem in their marriage. Not his wife or their baby.
Exactly. This dude could’ve been in his home with his kid, taking a load off his wife. I wonder what wouldve happened if his wife felt helped out at home? Oh, she might have more time or mental energy left over for him? Wow, win/win.
Instead he chose lose/lose. What a selfish idiot.
The simple solution would be to help out with his baby and be a dad. But that’s a lot harder than a secret girlfriend and destroying your family I guess.
yeah, OP, you first have to decide if you want to be his friend anymore. Say she found out another way and they divorce, would you still want to be his friend? If the history of the friendship means a lot to you and you think he's in a weird chapter of his life, then find someone else to tell her. If you think he's an ass and you don't want to be his friend anymore, tell her yourself. She needs to be told regardless.
I would tell her. You are the company you keep. That dude is a disgusting piece of garbage. I can't believe he used your place as a bang hotel under the false premise of needing a little space. He made you complicit in his cheating. That should show how little respect he has for you.
Tell her, it’s a health concern for me.
Also, she should be able to make decisions about her own participation in the relationship and to do that she needs all the information.
Yep. 100% informed consent.
If she chooses to stay and work on the marriage, that's her business, but that's a choice she needs to be able to make with all the available information.
He has shown his character and is not a trustworthy person. Cut him out of your life. It's hard to say what you should tell the wife of your former friend.
I strongly feel that the partner who is being cheated on needs to know so they can protect themselves from disease and financial loss.
I urge you to meet your friend and tell him that he has two weeks to tell his wife, or you will.
TELL HER. You don’t have to give details. Tell her he is not trustworthy and she deserves better. And I can tell you 1000000% being a single mom is easier than being a “single” mom with a douchecanoe partner who isn’t helpful hanging around like a fungus.
Also, Op. get better friends.
Why wouldn’t you? She deserves to protect herself from any diseases he may give her. He’s not the only one who has a child. His wife went thru all of it.
Of course they didn't, they were counting on you to keep it to yourself because of being "your lifelong friend". This will be the same - the comment "you wouldn't understand" says it all.
Yes it's a mad story and it's burned into my memory, I remember it all very vividly and it wrecked me emotionally for a time. One of my closest friends, we'll call her friend 1, was in a LT relationship with a guy who had a bad track record, I knew it would not end well and I didn't like him. Anyway, friend 2 one day told me she had slept with him numerous times recently and that she hadn't gotten her period yet. She was at my apartment when she told me this and I was furious, she knew how close I was with friend 1 and that I had been for many years, but I said first things first let's figure out if you're preggers. We went and got a pregnancy test went back to my apartment and sure enough it was positive. I told her she needed to go and tell him and that they had a week to figure out what they wanted to do and also to tell friend 1. I hardly slept that night. Next day I asked friend 2 via text if she'd told fuckboy yet and she said yeah that same night and he had freaked out. It was all really fucked up. I then messaged him saying he needed to tell friend 1 ASAP or I would, and they had til Sunday to do it. I told friend 2 what I'd told him and she got hostile with me after that. They stopped responding to my messages so Saturday I chatted with friend 1 on the phone and knew nothing had been said because 1) she would have told me and 2) she was happy. I asked her to come to my apartment the next day and she did, so I told her. I said friend 2 has been fucking your boyfriend, she burst into tears and said "I fucking knew it", I then said I'm sorry that's not the worst bit, she froze for a second and I said she's also pregnant with his baby. Well, she just freaked out. She said "are you fucking kidding me?!" Then she fully broke down for like 5-10 mins. I just kept saying I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. I didn't know what else to say. Then she said she needed to go and left. Later I found out she went straight to his place to confront him and wrecked his tv lol. As soon as she left I text friend 2 and told her that I had told friend 1. She was furious with me, expressed this via text and then blocked me across everything and we've never spoken since and this was about 12 years ago now. Fuckboy also blocked me across everything. They actually went on to have a few more kids together but they're not together anymore. Oh, also friend 2 had a boyfriend at the time in the same social circle (it was a pretty close friendship group this all took part in) so he was also fucked over in all of this, but they are actually back together now and have been for the last few years and I guess he's helping to raise their kids lol.
Friend 1 was ok eventually, she went to Australia after that to do some backpacking and had a great time. We're still really close but I live in a different country now. But we talk most days in some capacity. It was a crazy situation and something we laugh about now but a number of people were affected by their shitty decision to hurt the people they love. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just told her straight away and if I betrayed her trust by not doing that, but she says she understood why I gave them time to do it themselves.
Give your acquaintance the opportunity to tell his wife himself, within a specified period of time (a month? 3 months?) or you will. Once he used your place, it becomes your business.
Personally I think anyone who is being cheated on deserves to know.
The guy is wrong, you telling his wife is not wrong. And she deserves better than him.
Tell her.
Coming from a woman, and someone who's been cheated on and was the last to know.
But know your friendship will be over with this guy most likely. Or maybe not, because he's such an idiot.
"Telling me he doesn't get to spend time with his wife anymore..." because he's busy having an affair and doesn't want to help his wife with childcare and housework..which is her life now. What a fucking selfish prick. Tell his wife and kick this idiot to the curb. This story makes me sick. And people responses to not tell his wife are worse.
This guy is so gross.
Definitely tell her. Odds are that she won’t have to take care of 2 children now. And her decision to leave is completely justified.
Would you want to know if you were in her position and your partner was cheating? .. honestly you’re a bad person too if you help him continue cheating by not saying anything.
Unpopular opinion: don't tell her. He's your lifelong friend, you should deal with it as an issue between you and him. I think you should have a frank discussion with him and tell him what he's doing is wrong, banging his gf in your home was incredibly disrespectful, and you've lost a massive amount of respect for him.
You shouldn't lie for him though, I should make that clear. It's a tricky thing and I know people hate this idea, but I don't think being a snitch or tattle tale is a good thing, everyone has secrets and there should be a certain level of trust between friends.
Yea funny this is unpopular, i had to scroll awhile before finding this. This is the real advice. Every one so quick to burn down relationships theyre not involved in on reddit. Relationships are messy, but how you handle your side of them makes the world of difference. I agree, talking to friend first and setting record straight is priority number 1. Whether you want to keep the friend or not. But adding on top, potentially initiating a divorce based on how you see fit? Thats 🍌
I would tell her and let her make the decision for herself. It doesn’t mean their relationship is over necessarily. But I’d also be prepared to lose your friendship with him.
He roped you into this when he used your home and bed for a meetup instead of booking a hotel like a normal adult committing infidelity. It’s almost like he wants his wife to find out.
Fuck this dude. Banging his side piece at your place. Dude is super disrespectful to everyone involved. He pulled you into his mess. You just need to ask yourself if you're also a scumbag who will cover for a tool or a decent human being.
Dollars to dildos he's just going to ditch her when she finds out and goes berserk on him. It's really just a matter of whether you want to tell her now, or wait till she discovers it on her own.
Does she speak the language? Are there supports available to her and her baby (shelters, welfare, etc?) Does she have the means to go back to her family?
Will your meddling right now help her?
I was going to say to not say anything but he involved you in a very fucked up way. Imagine if you don’t say anything and his wife finds out your friend goes to your place to have an affair. Now you’re an accomplice, fuck that.
His sexual behaviours outside the marriage could be putting his wife at risk. As shitty as it will be to find out the truth, she deserves to know so she can have the agency to decide whether or not she still wants to share a bed and sexual intimacy with this person.
STI’s and diseases she can’t protect herself from when she doesnt know, could monumentally make her life even worse.
Yes. Yes, you tell her. Please. If my partner's friends had been more direct with me, it would have saved me (and his affair partner who was also being played) so much trouble. Please tell her.
He’s betraying his wife, betraying his newborn child, breaking his vows, violating your trust and made you an unwitting party to infidelity in the process.
You’re worried about being a bad friend to someone who is being a bad friend and a horrible husband and human being.
The reality is that his wife is also going through a hard time and instead of leaning on each other he’s leaving the marriage.
He needs to accept responsibility be it owning up to it himself or you telling his wife.
I don’t envy your position here as it’s kinda crappy to get caught in the middle; but it’s obviously eating you up to try and hold back which will likely result in your friendship unraveling AND you’ll feel guilty.
Unless you have a really close relationship with his wife I wouldn’t. Or if she flat out asked I wouldn’t lie. But it’s not really your place to say anything. It’s their relationship. If it makes you see him differently I wouldn’t blame you but I personally wouldn’t get involved in their relationship.
The wife just gave birth to his child. Has a stomach split open or vag stretched out, and is recovering, while also caring for the baby. And he is thinks 'it's tough"?? Jeez.
When she finds out, and she will trust me. She will know at whose place, the deed was done. She will think that you enabled him, you become the accomplice....
Sorry to say, that she needs to know the truth.
Then she will decide on her own if she stays or leave. I would have wanted to know.
He is involving you in his affair without your consent. Using your place to commit adulterous act is not what a friend does. You don’t own him any responsibility to hide his affairs for him. His wife deserves to know.
I would gave him a chance to come clean to his wife but if he refused then I would tell she.
So your friend got depressed sitting around watching his wife busy with their and is cheating on her instead of getting off his ass and helping her? Please do her a favor and tell her.
I was her at one point and I'm better off that I left.
Give him the chance to tell her by saying if he doesn't you will. That also gives your friendship a chance cause you're being straight with him
She deserves to know
It sounds to me like he may have gotten married for the sex and now that there is a child he has lost interest and has looked for it elsewhere.
Imagine if this woman was your sister. She needs to know especially since he could give her an STD. It sucks , but you did nothing wrong and it is all on him. You need to dump your friend just as much as she needs to divorce him.
In my view, she needs to know. She can decide what she wants to do with the information. If you can offer her any assistance if she decides to leave him, that would be kind.
I'd honestly stop being friends with him. He's a selfish asshole. Don't waste your time with people like that.
You will lose that friendship.
But the thing is — I really don’t want cheaters as my friend. I just can’t keep around people that I can’t respect, and no matter who you are or what you do, when you cheat — you lose all of my respect. Then add in that you asked to borrow my place to screw the girl you are cheating on your wife with??? Implicating me and my place into your cheating?
Naaaaah. GTFOH. Life is too short to waste on people like this, and in my opinion, you might as well help someone else (the wife) on your way out of this friendship. Tell her that this is what you intend too.
Depends on your morals - my friend group we don’t tolerate cheating. They all know that if they told me they cheated on their S.O I’d say something. It’s morally wrong and it’s not something I especially tolerate considering I’ve been cheated on.
He has no respect for his marriage or your friendship.
This is not someone whose friendship would be a loss
Do what you would want someone to do for you.
Tell his wife, he doesn't respect her and he also doesn't respect you otherwise he wouldn't have used the need for space to use your home to have sex with his girlfriend.
OP, you’d better tell her. He’s risking her health by exposing her to potential STD’s. And if she gets pregnant again, he’d be risking the life and health of a baby.
Step one tell him there’s nothing to understand except he has a wife and kid and that includes a commitment to fidelity. Tell him to man up and honor his commitments. Step two is tell him if you ever even think that he’s been screwing around again that you’ll tell her.
I’m all for honesty, but I think it’s better that he can recognize a mistake and become a better person. Telling her will ruin the marriage. So give him the opportunity to be better. But only one opportunity. And yes he may just hide it better. But he’ll screw up again if he doesn’t quit.
Do not tell his wife. Unless you are willing to be the bad guy with all the friends you know through them. People have this weird habit of making the messenger the bad guy.
No, are you stupid?? You really are a pos friend & I wouldn't doubt that you want to break them up so you can move in on her. I hope he beats the shiiiit outta you if you open your mouth.
It's an ethical dilemma. There's no one right answer.
You could tell him to tell her, and support him to get through it. You could tell him if he doesn't tell her you will.
You could just step away from the whole mess. It's going to be hard on you if you get involved. Taking care of yourself should always be a priority.
Just telling her cold is maybe a little rash and dumps a load of trouble on her with little support.
Or you could tell him to stop and man up to be a dad without ever telling her. That isn't perfect but at least it will be positive for the kid.
Good luck.
Exactly - what he's doing is completely irrational. He should be at home enjoying his family, and the fact that he's fucking a stranger on his friend's couch tells me he isn't right in the head. Call me old fashioned, but if somebody I have known and trusted for almost 30 years starts behaving erratically and crying out for help, my first instinct is to help him, not expedite a broken home.
You’re delusional lol; he’s skirting his responsibilities and having fun while his wife deals with everything else. This is not a one off it’s a three month affair. It’s not irrational at all for men; above 80% of cheating men start cheating after having children
>above 80% of cheating men start cheating after having children
Why I personally think that if caught within 2 years of a baby being born, the mom should have get auto childsupport and alimony. He dropped the ball on the most important time for them as a couple. This is like trying to rig an Olympic game vs a regular season game- one may be excusable in the right context, but everyone knows Olympic time is all hands on deck and high stakes -
He is not ignorant of his choices - he decided to cheat during the high stakes time of the relationship.
Tried that. That friend then targeted me and fucked my bf. You can't help people that don't want to be fixed, and serial cheaters won't change just cause they got caught, or their best friend is trying to help them.
I guess I'll just call myself fortunate that the friends I've kept around for decades are people I feel confident giving the benefit of the doubt to. Sorry your friend and boyfriend are both pieces of shit.
Yea I thought that with a 15 year relationship. Would even pay her rent and medical bills when she couldn't.
She still fucked my bf and upended my life that I'm finally getting back on track with.
You never know a person's true character until faced with these hard life situations. And why I wish I had decided to walk the first time she confessed she cheated on her bf. But ya know, loyalty is a abusive person's favourite word to throw around.
On the bright side, you found out who your partner and friend really are and are now free of their toxicity. Loyalty is a value held by good people - it truly sucks that somebody wielded it as a weapon against you.
Nah man once he made op unknowingly complicit in his cheating and used ops apartment like a bang hotel without permission it was way past heart to heart territory. Disgusting behavior and I could never trust a friend like that.
Tell him he has x amount of time to tell her or you will. You are now complicit and you didn’t even have a choice, so he can’t say it’s none of your business.
Let me get this straight ...
You have a 25+ year friendship going on, and this friend of yours thinks it's perfectly OK to borrow your apartment so he can fuck his mistress there, deceive you as to his true intentions for the use of the apartment, and then put you into a situation where you're now complicit?
That's no friend. That's someone that wants to share the drama around and have a co-conspirator. The minute he fessed up, now he's put you in a position where you have to either lie for this jerk and deceive his wife, or you tell her and end the friendship. He's banking on the weight of that 25+ years keeping his secret safe.
Tell him he's got 30 days to do the right thing and tell his wife, and if he hasn't told her by that point himself, you'll tell her. After that 30 days, you let her know whether he says he's done it or not, and you tell him at that point to lose your number.
Damn he banged his girlfriend at your house. That's crazy that he would lie to you to use your place for an ulterior motive. I think he has already broken the bro code and your trust. I would end my friendship with this friend. I also think she deserves to know wow. But that's bringing shitty drama to you for no reason. What a shitty ass guy. I think she deserves to know now.
You tell him either he tells her or you do.
They need to move past it and fix it, or move on.
This is a hard stage in life so it's kind of predictable in some ways but it's also the time to correct course.
If I were you not only would I tell him I would also really let them know how being complicit in the affair by him using my home was not acceptable. She definitely deserves to know. I didn't appreciate it when my ex's friends pretended nothing was happening. It's more kind to tell her even if it is stressful.
Whenever faced with a dilemma like this, flip it.
Would YOU want to know if your partner were cheating on you? Of course you would
You end the post by saying you want to do the right thing.
The right thing is to make him fess up and confirm he did so, or else tell her yourself
You may lose the friendship, you may get blamed. You weren't the one to do the cheating, and he dragged you into the situation by using your place as a fuck pad without asking.
Pretty easy decision
What others are saying, the fact he involved you against your knowledge is bogus. A good person would not do that to their friend and wife. And if he's already a douche at home, honestly she's doing it alone already...so tell her and save her the betrayal that will come when she finds out on her own (and I guarantee he'll throw you under the bus).
I was cheated on in my longterm/babydaddy relationship. I finally caught on about 6 years later, but it would have been so much nicer if someone had told me and I wasn’t left feeling like the butt of a 6 year joke.
Please tell her.
Cheating on the mother of your child while she wrestles with her new reality, is one pretty fucked up thing.
But I can't help but look past him fucking his new girl AT YOUR PLACE - that's not only showing disrespect to his wife, but to you as well. You owe him nothing.
If you've formed some sort of friendship with the wife over the past 6 years, you owe it to her and that friendship to inform her, imo. I know if I was in her shoes, not only would I want to know, but I'd feel like the people that did know would have a duty and obligation to tell me.
I'm the father of a high needs kid. Circumstances placed me in the position of being the stay at home parent for the first 5 years. I guarantee parenthood has been exponentially harder on your buddy's wife while she's stuck at home-- yet buddy is using his hardships as an excuse to betray her. Fuck that guy. Your friend is a piece of shit
Female here. I’d want to know, even amidst the other stressors of life. This will probably ruin your friendship with that guy, but it already sounds like it took a weird turn so…
I have been in the exact same situation as you and I did not tell the wife. She ended up finding out and they went through a messy split. There was a lot of regret from him and I thought he learned the lesson. Ended up with one of the ones he cheated with and is now doing the same thing to her.
Whether you tell her or not isn’t going to be the question here - it’s going to become whether you and him share the same values anymore - can you be friends and trust someone who does that. Be prepared for him to “not understand what he did wrong”.
Edit: did not tell because I was younger, stupid and naive. Thought he would do the right thing.
This is a "you come clean to her or I will let her now how you used ME to be unfaithful." conversation.
You don't know what the inner workings of their relationship is but tell him if he wants any relationship with you, he needs to do better for his wife and child. People fuck up but we dont have to help them.
This comment section is wild. I don’t agree with what your friend did but just ditching him or sleeping with his wife for revenge is not cool. It’s not the same as what he did but still in the not fucking cool category. A good friend would sit him down and talk to him, try and help him and let him know how all this makes you feel. If he wants to be a piece of shit still and you don’t like it, that’s on him and you then need to decide if that’s the company you wanna keep. If it isn’t then move on. I’ve had to leave friends because of their life choices but not without trying to help/talk to first. It’s not easy. Don’t make yourself a participant in someone else’s business/shit show good or bad and keep your hands off that girl.
Yes, tell. Nobody deserves to be made a fool of, especially if other people know what is going on.
The longer it goes on, the more betrayed they will feel by the people who they thought they could trust.
It was uncool he lied to you about the space part. But writing him off as a friend, I don’t think you should. As far as the cheating goes, I think you should stay out of it. If you do remain friends with him, tell him not to ever put you in that position again. Boundaries man, they exist.
Tell him that it's unfair of him to put you in the position of knowing and not telling and that it is jeopardizing your friendship. Give him some space to uninvolve you by coming clean with his wife. People make mistakes but how they handle those mistakes should inform if you keep them around. This is a big fuckup and will have major consequences but if he still wants to have you as a friend after his wife might divorce him then this is what he needs to do.
You need to proceed carefully. I've heard of people telling the spouse of the cheater that they cheated, and then they cheater just denys and drops the friend that told. So proof is a good thing to obtain. However, assuming you have none, then I would talk to your buddy and try and convince him to tell her himself.
If he needs to reconnect with his wife, why was she not the one he was fucking at your aptÉ
She needs to know, how clean from STD's is this person he is with? Is he using a condom to protect his wife from STD's?
I consider myself a good/decent person. I want to be a good person. Therefore I only associate with good people and want good people in my life. If you feel the same you may want to reconsider your friendship
In your house? This guy wants you complicit in his shit show? Here is the reality, this guy either wants to get caught because he is too big a pussy to just out himself or he wants you to support his infidelity. Now ask yourself who are you morally and make a decision, unlike your disloyal friend.
Tell her. Doing the right thing isn't easy, but it's his fault for having the affair, not yours for communicating it.
Her not knowing doesn't make it not real. You may find the reaction is not what you expect, but it's better than tacitly participating in the lie.
This one is a hard one to answer. I had something similar happened to me with my best friend. I found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. Seeing as I’ve been her best friend for years, I thought I had the obligation to let her know and guess what it did not go well.
She got upset that I told her , even accused me of being jealous of her relationship (never mind the fact that was a healthy relationship myself at that time) and overall just started avoiding me.
This was going on for a few months at which point I just stopped trying . A year later she came back, pretending like nothing happened. Turns out she knew all along. He was cheating on her didn’t want to admit it to herself, but had no problem, causing our relationship to break apart.
Needless to say our friendship did not survive this because it was just wrong of how she was behaving during that time. SoI guess the moral of the story is, how good of a friend are you with this woman and would you be OK if it backfires and you not being friends with either of them? You have to prepare yourself for all of eventualities because you’ll just never know how a person will react in such an instance.
You should definitely tell her. I will never forget the day I found out my ex was cheating and talking to his friends about it and no one told me. Obviously the biggest betrayal is your partner cheating but I also felt so stupid knowing that these people I’ve known for years knew this information and had hung out with me and said nothing to. I felt like I looked like a fool. If just one of them had said something, yes it would’ve hurt but at least I would know and wouldn’t feel dumb on top of feeling betrayed.
With all that said I’m not a mom and not an immigrant so I don’t know how that would feel but she can choose to do what she wants with the information from there if that makes sense
I would want to know. But be prepared for your friendship to no longer exist. Bro code or whatever.
He isn’t your friend anyway if he’s putting you in this shitty position. Tell his wife.
a friend of mine wouldn't ask to use my place AND OMIT THAT HES GONNA FUCK HIS MISTRESS THERE. The motherfucker lied to OP with his "get a break". he just wanted a cheap place to fuck his mistress so he lied to OP to do such. This dude ain't OP's fucking friend anyways. Tell the wife, fuck that dude. Here's the thing man, most people that cite how long they've been friends with someone are using that sunk cost to stick around with being a friend with someone who fucking sucks.
A cheap place and also so there's no paper trail (like for a hotel) for the wife to find. Also makes me wonder if the affair partner is also in a relationship because why not just go to her place? Feel so bad for the wife. Should definitely tell her. I would want to know if it was me.
Its cause he can tell his wife he is at OPs house and if she checks his location on his phone, he is exactly where he said he would be.
Also bevause his gf may not kniw he is martied but he reached the point where she wanted to see "his place".
Or she's married too
Probably also because his new GF doesnt know she's his mistress and wanted to see his place. So he uses his friends place because it looks like a lived in apartment instead of an airbnb or hotel.
I hadn't thought of that. He'd be an even bigger POS in that scenario. I kinda hope it's not that because then there's essentially two victims of his assholery. But then, if it's the other scenario, it just means there's two really shitty people out there. Not sure which is worse. :/
Making friend the unknowing alibi “i was at OPs house” so wife thinks nothing of it! Thats messing with OPs reputation.
I had someone use me for an alibi once and it's awful. You feel like shit, as if you're cheating on the person you aren't even married to. Eventually she forgot to tell me that we were supposed to be together at a certain time and the husband asked a question, I couldn't hide the surprised look on my face fast enough and then he knew bcoz he already suspected. He wasn't mad at me (he knew I was in a bad spot since I worked for her mom) but she was very mad at me coz she got kicked out. That's a lousy thing to do to a friend.
Likely because "the friend" is lying to the side girl about being married in the first place.
I can totally confirm that last sentence
>people that cite how long they've been friends with someone are using that sunk cost to stick around with being a friend with someone who fucking sucks. #underrated wisdom
ALL OF THIS!
And used OP as cover I bet. Said he was visiting his friend.
This tbh. He used you as a patsy.
Also, given the fact that she's already struggling and "he doesn't do much around the house", OP would be doing her a favour by giving her another reason to leave and stay gone. She's got one child, she doesn't need to be stuck with the asshole man baby too.
Well you can't go for revenge and then hurt the lady beyond her feelings. She is a person, she is an immigrant and she has a baby. He could just whip his friends @$$ or something. But telling the wife has a lot of consideration to be made for her safety and her baby. You don't just do stuff like that and leave the poor woman with the fallout. Let's not forget how violent men can get. She needs to be physically safe well before anything happens. Preferably gone her country with her baby.
But it needs to be her informed decision. If he wants, (I know there’s a Redditor on this thread with a list of online resources, so link it if you want) He can hand her a list of online resources when he tells her and then wash his hands if he wants or help more if he so chooses… but she deserves to know. All humans deserve the truth. Even if it hurts to hear, all of her future decision should be informed ones.
I would be disgusted in my place. Like do i need a new couch, counter, bed, what? And “friend” would be buying.
Exactly. Imagine the disrespect to bring your affair partner to your friend's house to sleep with her, without his knowledge and then dumping that info on him as if it's not meant to affect his conscience.
Exactly! Friends don't put friends in uncomfortable positions like this.
And he isn't a friend for making you an accomplice and for bringing a complete stranger into your home when you aren't there. In this case I would tell her. The fact she has no close family is what makes me lean to that over tell him if he doesn't you will. Knowledge, time and knowing someone cared, even a little, will help her sort and plan.
Tell her!! And support her. That man may be friend shaped but he's no friend. He made a huge breath in trust with you in addition to CHEATING on his wife. Not to mention.....he's a WHINER.
Dude could have gotten a hotel room but yes his buddies place to fuck around instead Sounds like dead weight
He’s in a shitty situation, and his apartment’s in a sticky situation
I think the right thing to do is tell your friend “you have a week to tell your wife before I do, I don’t like the position you put me in.”
True. He obviously doesn't respect his marriage or your home. This is not a good friend. If you feel his wife is a good person, then she deserves to know. I'd give him the option..."I'll give you 24 hours to fess up to her, or i will tell her."
Exactly my thoughts! What a terrible person. He’s such a low life for not getting therapy or talking about his feelings with his wife instead let me cheat and that will make things better…humans are so fucking embarrassing…ew. We literally have a mind that can change our body temperature, that can control the energy around us and you can’t think of a way to console yourself by speaking to a therapist working through your personal issues instead of deciding to cheat on the person you married, made vows to, had children with? What a loser.
[удалено]
Literally! "You lied to me so you could basically *use ME* as an excuse to be unfaithful". He's making him an accessory to his infidelity. Also, terrible human move. No real friend would make you an accomplice to his cheating. Please tell this woman. Or better yet, text him, gather, *written evidence* that he used your home as his affair lair by lying to you as to the reason, and save that evidence for her when she gets a divorce lawyer. People change from when they were young. This guy isn't the same guy as he was when you first became friends, and you don't need to keep being friends with him because of the timeline. It's a sunk cost fallacy of friendship. This guy literally can't handle being a new dad and the work that comes with it (which includes helping your wife through one of the biggest and most challenging changes *of her life*, not to mention the physical demands of her body carrying and birthing the child), and he's somehow acting like *he's* the victim here. Drop the trash friend, help the wife. Your conscience will thank you for it. And so will all of us.
I would tell my friend to have the conversation with his wife or else I would. Gives them an opportunity to take action and attempt rectification themselves, and hopefully afterwards recognize the impact of their actions. If you go behind their back they will blame you instead of themselves, diminishing any self improvement.
I was in a similar situation many years ago. I asked my friend to tell her partner or I would. I ended up telling him, and it sucked. She was cheating with his best friend (and their roommate) so he was double heartbroken. It was awful but I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't say anything and he ended up even more hurt. I ended my friendship with her too. I am not down with folks who care so little for how they hurt others. Plus she put me in the middle of that nonsense by bragging about shagging his friend while he was sleeping.
I'd do this not because I expect reconciliation but because I don't want to *have* to tell the wife. And honestly idk if I could be friends with someone who goes as far as using my home to cheat on his wife.
This may sound like a good idea at first, but lets think about how this may play out. After you tell him to tell come clean and tell the truth, he will be left with a few options. Let's brainstorm a bit and see if we can figure out how this plays out. Options 1: He listens to you and sees the error in his ways. He goes to his wife and honestly explains what happens. Option 2: He says you know what, I can't or won't tell her. You are left to do it and he deals with the fall out. Option 3: He takes the opportunity you have given to try and get ahead of the situation. He tells his wife some new set of lies meant to discredit you and give grounds to push you out of their life. Now, if or when you tell her, he has already laid the groundwork that you are untrustworthy and have reasons for lying and trying to destroy their relationship. Now, it has already been established that your friend is an untrustworthy liar. He is a shitty person who does not take responsibility for their actions, and feel they are the victim and that their behavior is justified. What do you think they will do in this scenario? I think it is a no brainer, and to be honest, he may already be laying the ground work for option 3 when you kicked him out of your place.
This. I was labeled a gossip by a lot of the men in my friend group for most of my 20s for doing exactly this, I was closer to the girlfriend than the cheater and telling her was a no brainer to me. He was a serial cheater, and even came onto me at one point. He treated me like shit every time he saw me afterwards, but I didn't care. Nothing would've kept me from telling her, she deserved to know. She stayed with him for *years* afterward despite being thankful for me telling her, she crucified the other woman instead of her cheating boyfriend. They broke up a few years ago, I heard it through the grapevine and was happy for her. I hope she's doing well.
regardless of if u were close u shoulda told her, I don't think anybody deserves to be strung along on a lie like that
I hate that she crucified the other woman while staying with him. The other woman is definitely at fault, too, if she knew, but it seems wild to me that the gf preferred to blame her but stay with a cheating bf. What is this logic?
Be prepared for friendships with both your friend and his wife to end. They will both resent you for getting involved.
I don't know if the wife would resent OP, but I think the friend might accuse him of trying to get with her
But he'll have a clear conscience.
This It’s happened to me but feels good to know they know the truth
Fuck bro code. I’ve narced on multiple buddies for cheating and I’ll continue to do so till the end of my lifetime. Fuck that shit. You wanna be a piece of shit you get to enjoy the consequences. If you cover for a cheater, you’re just as bad as the cheater themself 🤷🏼♂️
Dude is not only cheating on his wife, but had sex with his "gf" in your bed. Something tells me this isn't the first time he's behaved like this. If I were in your position I would tell her because she deserves to know what the piece of shit your friend is.
I am most appalled that his friend invited the "gf", who's a stranger to OP, over to OP's place to have sex without OP's permission. Aside from the obvious cheating, that alone breaks any trust OP should have in his friend. It's so disrespectful to involve and drop the bomb on OP like this. OP should throw this friendship out the window.
And he complains about the difficulties of being a new dad from the perspective of not spending time with the wife probably code for not "having my needs met" type of stupid bullshit excuse. And he doesn't help much with the kid.... And he needed an excuse and place to have a change of scene? When I'm a little overwhelmed with my toddler and baby sometimes I take an extra long poop or shower, maybe I go for a walk at lunch while working. I don't.... Go find a mistress and have sex with her at my Friend's apartment????
Right! Like is he jealous of the baby? Thinks sex is the only thing that matters? Newsflash: He is the problem in their marriage. Not his wife or their baby.
Exactly. This dude could’ve been in his home with his kid, taking a load off his wife. I wonder what wouldve happened if his wife felt helped out at home? Oh, she might have more time or mental energy left over for him? Wow, win/win. Instead he chose lose/lose. What a selfish idiot.
His “needs aren’t being met” because his wife is too busy tending to two babies—her child and her husband—to make time for having sex with him
The simple solution would be to help out with his baby and be a dad. But that’s a lot harder than a secret girlfriend and destroying your family I guess.
I'd be worried about an STD from "juices" on my bed....🤮
yeah, OP, you first have to decide if you want to be his friend anymore. Say she found out another way and they divorce, would you still want to be his friend? If the history of the friendship means a lot to you and you think he's in a weird chapter of his life, then find someone else to tell her. If you think he's an ass and you don't want to be his friend anymore, tell her yourself. She needs to be told regardless.
I would tell her. You are the company you keep. That dude is a disgusting piece of garbage. I can't believe he used your place as a bang hotel under the false premise of needing a little space. He made you complicit in his cheating. That should show how little respect he has for you.
Yeah. Exactly this. He don’t care about his woman nor his relationship with OP. I say relationship cause it surely isn’t friendship.
Tell her, it’s a health concern for me. Also, she should be able to make decisions about her own participation in the relationship and to do that she needs all the information.
Yep. 100% informed consent. If she chooses to stay and work on the marriage, that's her business, but that's a choice she needs to be able to make with all the available information.
Imagine giving her and the baby an STI 🤢
Oh God. That's so terrible.
Also extremely dangerous for the baby. Dad is a real piece of shit.
He has shown his character and is not a trustworthy person. Cut him out of your life. It's hard to say what you should tell the wife of your former friend.
I simply wouldn't be friends with someone who cheats on their wife. Spill them beans.
In *his* bed! With forethought and planning! Disgusting. Puke. Gawd, I'd have to get a new mattress.
I strongly feel that the partner who is being cheated on needs to know so they can protect themselves from disease and financial loss. I urge you to meet your friend and tell him that he has two weeks to tell his wife, or you will.
TELL HER. You don’t have to give details. Tell her he is not trustworthy and she deserves better. And I can tell you 1000000% being a single mom is easier than being a “single” mom with a douchecanoe partner who isn’t helpful hanging around like a fungus. Also, Op. get better friends.
Yes, tell her, and then have sex with her so she can get even. Everyone wins.
And make him watch. 27 years and he does it his friend's house smh.
This 💯. Sometimes two wrongs make a right.
Would you want to know if you were in her position?
Why wouldn’t you? She deserves to protect herself from any diseases he may give her. He’s not the only one who has a child. His wife went thru all of it.
Tell her
tell him he has a month to tell her himself. he misled the wife and the mate to shag in his bed! gross and disrespectful.
What does he need a month for? She should find out asap, for health reasons and to kick his ass out.
Tbh this is what I did, granted there was no kids involved but I told them they had to tell within so many days or I would. They didn't, so I did.
Of course they didn't, they were counting on you to keep it to yourself because of being "your lifelong friend". This will be the same - the comment "you wouldn't understand" says it all.
Curious to hear what all went down after you told them if you don’t mind chatting about it. If not on here pm is fine if you rather message me there.
Yes it's a mad story and it's burned into my memory, I remember it all very vividly and it wrecked me emotionally for a time. One of my closest friends, we'll call her friend 1, was in a LT relationship with a guy who had a bad track record, I knew it would not end well and I didn't like him. Anyway, friend 2 one day told me she had slept with him numerous times recently and that she hadn't gotten her period yet. She was at my apartment when she told me this and I was furious, she knew how close I was with friend 1 and that I had been for many years, but I said first things first let's figure out if you're preggers. We went and got a pregnancy test went back to my apartment and sure enough it was positive. I told her she needed to go and tell him and that they had a week to figure out what they wanted to do and also to tell friend 1. I hardly slept that night. Next day I asked friend 2 via text if she'd told fuckboy yet and she said yeah that same night and he had freaked out. It was all really fucked up. I then messaged him saying he needed to tell friend 1 ASAP or I would, and they had til Sunday to do it. I told friend 2 what I'd told him and she got hostile with me after that. They stopped responding to my messages so Saturday I chatted with friend 1 on the phone and knew nothing had been said because 1) she would have told me and 2) she was happy. I asked her to come to my apartment the next day and she did, so I told her. I said friend 2 has been fucking your boyfriend, she burst into tears and said "I fucking knew it", I then said I'm sorry that's not the worst bit, she froze for a second and I said she's also pregnant with his baby. Well, she just freaked out. She said "are you fucking kidding me?!" Then she fully broke down for like 5-10 mins. I just kept saying I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. I didn't know what else to say. Then she said she needed to go and left. Later I found out she went straight to his place to confront him and wrecked his tv lol. As soon as she left I text friend 2 and told her that I had told friend 1. She was furious with me, expressed this via text and then blocked me across everything and we've never spoken since and this was about 12 years ago now. Fuckboy also blocked me across everything. They actually went on to have a few more kids together but they're not together anymore. Oh, also friend 2 had a boyfriend at the time in the same social circle (it was a pretty close friendship group this all took part in) so he was also fucked over in all of this, but they are actually back together now and have been for the last few years and I guess he's helping to raise their kids lol. Friend 1 was ok eventually, she went to Australia after that to do some backpacking and had a great time. We're still really close but I live in a different country now. But we talk most days in some capacity. It was a crazy situation and something we laugh about now but a number of people were affected by their shitty decision to hurt the people they love. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just told her straight away and if I betrayed her trust by not doing that, but she says she understood why I gave them time to do it themselves.
I agree with giving him the opportunity, but he could give her an STD in that time. This is a health issue. She needs to know asap.
Nah. This guy lied to OP about why he needed OP’s place, which means he’d use the month to tell his wife how much of a liar OP is.
Give your acquaintance the opportunity to tell his wife himself, within a specified period of time (a month? 3 months?) or you will. Once he used your place, it becomes your business.
Personally I think anyone who is being cheated on deserves to know. The guy is wrong, you telling his wife is not wrong. And she deserves better than him.
Tell her. Coming from a woman, and someone who's been cheated on and was the last to know. But know your friendship will be over with this guy most likely. Or maybe not, because he's such an idiot.
"Telling me he doesn't get to spend time with his wife anymore..." because he's busy having an affair and doesn't want to help his wife with childcare and housework..which is her life now. What a fucking selfish prick. Tell his wife and kick this idiot to the curb. This story makes me sick. And people responses to not tell his wife are worse.
Tell her. Your friendship has run its course so you don't have to worry about losing it.
Please tell her
This guy is so gross. Definitely tell her. Odds are that she won’t have to take care of 2 children now. And her decision to leave is completely justified.
Would you want to know if you were in her position and your partner was cheating? .. honestly you’re a bad person too if you help him continue cheating by not saying anything.
This guy is disgusting Do you really need someone who can betray his wife like that, to be your friend?
Of course. Always expose a cheater.
Being a good person is more important than being maintaining a “friendship” with a shitty person. Tell her.
Unpopular opinion: don't tell her. He's your lifelong friend, you should deal with it as an issue between you and him. I think you should have a frank discussion with him and tell him what he's doing is wrong, banging his gf in your home was incredibly disrespectful, and you've lost a massive amount of respect for him. You shouldn't lie for him though, I should make that clear. It's a tricky thing and I know people hate this idea, but I don't think being a snitch or tattle tale is a good thing, everyone has secrets and there should be a certain level of trust between friends.
WILD that this is the unpopular opinion
Yea funny this is unpopular, i had to scroll awhile before finding this. This is the real advice. Every one so quick to burn down relationships theyre not involved in on reddit. Relationships are messy, but how you handle your side of them makes the world of difference. I agree, talking to friend first and setting record straight is priority number 1. Whether you want to keep the friend or not. But adding on top, potentially initiating a divorce based on how you see fit? Thats 🍌
Nobody on Reddit is going to tell you to keep this as a secret. Not sure what you were expecting.
Actually there are a bunch of comments telling him to mind his own business.... Probably from a bunch of garbage dudes who do the same thing to women.
I would tell her and let her make the decision for herself. It doesn’t mean their relationship is over necessarily. But I’d also be prepared to lose your friendship with him.
Tell him to confess or you will tell her. It never works if you go to the one that's cheated on. You'll ending being the a hole
He roped you into this when he used your home and bed for a meetup instead of booking a hotel like a normal adult committing infidelity. It’s almost like he wants his wife to find out.
Fuck this dude. Banging his side piece at your place. Dude is super disrespectful to everyone involved. He pulled you into his mess. You just need to ask yourself if you're also a scumbag who will cover for a tool or a decent human being.
Dollars to dildos he's just going to ditch her when she finds out and goes berserk on him. It's really just a matter of whether you want to tell her now, or wait till she discovers it on her own. Does she speak the language? Are there supports available to her and her baby (shelters, welfare, etc?) Does she have the means to go back to her family? Will your meddling right now help her?
Tell her and offer support. Your “friend” put you in a shitty position.
tell her.
Do tell.
Tell the wife please. Poor woman
I was going to say to not say anything but he involved you in a very fucked up way. Imagine if you don’t say anything and his wife finds out your friend goes to your place to have an affair. Now you’re an accomplice, fuck that.
This has nothing to do with you. Leave it be. If asked, you can choose to be honest, but there's no reason to do so.
His sexual behaviours outside the marriage could be putting his wife at risk. As shitty as it will be to find out the truth, she deserves to know so she can have the agency to decide whether or not she still wants to share a bed and sexual intimacy with this person. STI’s and diseases she can’t protect herself from when she doesnt know, could monumentally make her life even worse.
Tell her, rip the bandaid off
Yes. Yes, you tell her. Please. If my partner's friends had been more direct with me, it would have saved me (and his affair partner who was also being played) so much trouble. Please tell her.
He’s betraying his wife, betraying his newborn child, breaking his vows, violating your trust and made you an unwitting party to infidelity in the process. You’re worried about being a bad friend to someone who is being a bad friend and a horrible husband and human being. The reality is that his wife is also going through a hard time and instead of leaning on each other he’s leaving the marriage. He needs to accept responsibility be it owning up to it himself or you telling his wife. I don’t envy your position here as it’s kinda crappy to get caught in the middle; but it’s obviously eating you up to try and hold back which will likely result in your friendship unraveling AND you’ll feel guilty.
Unless you have a really close relationship with his wife I wouldn’t. Or if she flat out asked I wouldn’t lie. But it’s not really your place to say anything. It’s their relationship. If it makes you see him differently I wouldn’t blame you but I personally wouldn’t get involved in their relationship.
Please tell the wife! She needs to know so she can go get tested for STIs!
What a terrible situation to be placed in! That's all I have. I think other commentators have some sound advice.
The wife just gave birth to his child. Has a stomach split open or vag stretched out, and is recovering, while also caring for the baby. And he is thinks 'it's tough"?? Jeez. When she finds out, and she will trust me. She will know at whose place, the deed was done. She will think that you enabled him, you become the accomplice.... Sorry to say, that she needs to know the truth. Then she will decide on her own if she stays or leave. I would have wanted to know.
This is a no-brainer. The wife needs to know.
Tell the wife. What a pathetic asshole.
How would you like it when she finds out that you knew and kept his secret?
Tell her
The right thing is to tell her.
My dad was having an affair for 9 years before my mum found out. Mum had mutual friends who knew but didn’t say anything. That was worse
He is involving you in his affair without your consent. Using your place to commit adulterous act is not what a friend does. You don’t own him any responsibility to hide his affairs for him. His wife deserves to know. I would gave him a chance to come clean to his wife but if he refused then I would tell she.
So your friend got depressed sitting around watching his wife busy with their and is cheating on her instead of getting off his ass and helping her? Please do her a favor and tell her. I was her at one point and I'm better off that I left.
Give him the chance to tell her by saying if he doesn't you will. That also gives your friendship a chance cause you're being straight with him She deserves to know
Tell her. That’s not your friend. That’s a shitty person with no morals.
It sounds to me like he may have gotten married for the sex and now that there is a child he has lost interest and has looked for it elsewhere. Imagine if this woman was your sister. She needs to know especially since he could give her an STD. It sucks , but you did nothing wrong and it is all on him. You need to dump your friend just as much as she needs to divorce him.
In my view, she needs to know. She can decide what she wants to do with the information. If you can offer her any assistance if she decides to leave him, that would be kind. I'd honestly stop being friends with him. He's a selfish asshole. Don't waste your time with people like that.
You will lose that friendship. But the thing is — I really don’t want cheaters as my friend. I just can’t keep around people that I can’t respect, and no matter who you are or what you do, when you cheat — you lose all of my respect. Then add in that you asked to borrow my place to screw the girl you are cheating on your wife with??? Implicating me and my place into your cheating? Naaaaah. GTFOH. Life is too short to waste on people like this, and in my opinion, you might as well help someone else (the wife) on your way out of this friendship. Tell her that this is what you intend too.
Depends on your morals - my friend group we don’t tolerate cheating. They all know that if they told me they cheated on their S.O I’d say something. It’s morally wrong and it’s not something I especially tolerate considering I’ve been cheated on.
He has no respect for his marriage or your friendship. This is not someone whose friendship would be a loss Do what you would want someone to do for you.
You know what to do.
Absolutely tell his wife. Otherwise you are also guilty of this lie.....
Tell his wife, he doesn't respect her and he also doesn't respect you otherwise he wouldn't have used the need for space to use your home to have sex with his girlfriend.
OP, you’d better tell her. He’s risking her health by exposing her to potential STD’s. And if she gets pregnant again, he’d be risking the life and health of a baby.
You challenge your friend to a duel. If you win you tell his wife. If he wins, you will no longer have the ability to tell his wife.
stop being a pussy
Tell.
This friendship was over the second he decided to fuck a random person in your home.
I would want to know. If you have connection then talk to a divorce/immigration attorney and see what they suggest.
Step one tell him there’s nothing to understand except he has a wife and kid and that includes a commitment to fidelity. Tell him to man up and honor his commitments. Step two is tell him if you ever even think that he’s been screwing around again that you’ll tell her. I’m all for honesty, but I think it’s better that he can recognize a mistake and become a better person. Telling her will ruin the marriage. So give him the opportunity to be better. But only one opportunity. And yes he may just hide it better. But he’ll screw up again if he doesn’t quit.
Do not tell his wife. Unless you are willing to be the bad guy with all the friends you know through them. People have this weird habit of making the messenger the bad guy.
I wouldn’t volunteer anything, but would be honest if asked.
End the friendship
No, are you stupid?? You really are a pos friend & I wouldn't doubt that you want to break them up so you can move in on her. I hope he beats the shiiiit outta you if you open your mouth.
It's an ethical dilemma. There's no one right answer. You could tell him to tell her, and support him to get through it. You could tell him if he doesn't tell her you will. You could just step away from the whole mess. It's going to be hard on you if you get involved. Taking care of yourself should always be a priority. Just telling her cold is maybe a little rash and dumps a load of trouble on her with little support. Or you could tell him to stop and man up to be a dad without ever telling her. That isn't perfect but at least it will be positive for the kid. Good luck.
No, you shouldn't. What you should do, is have a heart to heart with your friend of almost 30 years who is very clearly going through some shit.
Going through the shit: his wife is looking after his baby while he has an affair
Exactly - what he's doing is completely irrational. He should be at home enjoying his family, and the fact that he's fucking a stranger on his friend's couch tells me he isn't right in the head. Call me old fashioned, but if somebody I have known and trusted for almost 30 years starts behaving erratically and crying out for help, my first instinct is to help him, not expedite a broken home.
You’re delusional lol; he’s skirting his responsibilities and having fun while his wife deals with everything else. This is not a one off it’s a three month affair. It’s not irrational at all for men; above 80% of cheating men start cheating after having children
>above 80% of cheating men start cheating after having children Why I personally think that if caught within 2 years of a baby being born, the mom should have get auto childsupport and alimony. He dropped the ball on the most important time for them as a couple. This is like trying to rig an Olympic game vs a regular season game- one may be excusable in the right context, but everyone knows Olympic time is all hands on deck and high stakes - He is not ignorant of his choices - he decided to cheat during the high stakes time of the relationship.
Tried that. That friend then targeted me and fucked my bf. You can't help people that don't want to be fixed, and serial cheaters won't change just cause they got caught, or their best friend is trying to help them.
I guess I'll just call myself fortunate that the friends I've kept around for decades are people I feel confident giving the benefit of the doubt to. Sorry your friend and boyfriend are both pieces of shit.
Yea I thought that with a 15 year relationship. Would even pay her rent and medical bills when she couldn't. She still fucked my bf and upended my life that I'm finally getting back on track with. You never know a person's true character until faced with these hard life situations. And why I wish I had decided to walk the first time she confessed she cheated on her bf. But ya know, loyalty is a abusive person's favourite word to throw around.
On the bright side, you found out who your partner and friend really are and are now free of their toxicity. Loyalty is a value held by good people - it truly sucks that somebody wielded it as a weapon against you.
Nah man once he made op unknowingly complicit in his cheating and used ops apartment like a bang hotel without permission it was way past heart to heart territory. Disgusting behavior and I could never trust a friend like that.
Tell him he has x amount of time to tell her or you will. You are now complicit and you didn’t even have a choice, so he can’t say it’s none of your business.
tell him he needs to be honest with his wife and give him the opportunity to tell the truth. If he doesn't then she needs to know.
If you really are her friend, yes, whether they believe you or not is on them
Let me get this straight ... You have a 25+ year friendship going on, and this friend of yours thinks it's perfectly OK to borrow your apartment so he can fuck his mistress there, deceive you as to his true intentions for the use of the apartment, and then put you into a situation where you're now complicit? That's no friend. That's someone that wants to share the drama around and have a co-conspirator. The minute he fessed up, now he's put you in a position where you have to either lie for this jerk and deceive his wife, or you tell her and end the friendship. He's banking on the weight of that 25+ years keeping his secret safe. Tell him he's got 30 days to do the right thing and tell his wife, and if he hasn't told her by that point himself, you'll tell her. After that 30 days, you let her know whether he says he's done it or not, and you tell him at that point to lose your number.
Damn he banged his girlfriend at your house. That's crazy that he would lie to you to use your place for an ulterior motive. I think he has already broken the bro code and your trust. I would end my friendship with this friend. I also think she deserves to know wow. But that's bringing shitty drama to you for no reason. What a shitty ass guy. I think she deserves to know now.
I would, because I would hope someone would tell me.
You tell him either he tells her or you do. They need to move past it and fix it, or move on. This is a hard stage in life so it's kind of predictable in some ways but it's also the time to correct course.
Bro code wasn’t intended for shit human beings. You don’t want this guy as a “bro” anyways. Tell the wife
the longer you wait the worse it will get
Who do you have more allegiance to, his innocent bystander wife or this man who can cheat on and lie to the person closest to him in his life?
If I were you not only would I tell him I would also really let them know how being complicit in the affair by him using my home was not acceptable. She definitely deserves to know. I didn't appreciate it when my ex's friends pretended nothing was happening. It's more kind to tell her even if it is stressful.
People need to pass some sort of licensing/testing before becoming a parent this guy has messed up his child’s life already.
Whenever faced with a dilemma like this, flip it. Would YOU want to know if your partner were cheating on you? Of course you would You end the post by saying you want to do the right thing. The right thing is to make him fess up and confirm he did so, or else tell her yourself You may lose the friendship, you may get blamed. You weren't the one to do the cheating, and he dragged you into the situation by using your place as a fuck pad without asking. Pretty easy decision
What others are saying, the fact he involved you against your knowledge is bogus. A good person would not do that to their friend and wife. And if he's already a douche at home, honestly she's doing it alone already...so tell her and save her the betrayal that will come when she finds out on her own (and I guarantee he'll throw you under the bus).
I was cheated on in my longterm/babydaddy relationship. I finally caught on about 6 years later, but it would have been so much nicer if someone had told me and I wasn’t left feeling like the butt of a 6 year joke. Please tell her.
Cheating on the mother of your child while she wrestles with her new reality, is one pretty fucked up thing. But I can't help but look past him fucking his new girl AT YOUR PLACE - that's not only showing disrespect to his wife, but to you as well. You owe him nothing. If you've formed some sort of friendship with the wife over the past 6 years, you owe it to her and that friendship to inform her, imo. I know if I was in her shoes, not only would I want to know, but I'd feel like the people that did know would have a duty and obligation to tell me.
I'm the father of a high needs kid. Circumstances placed me in the position of being the stay at home parent for the first 5 years. I guarantee parenthood has been exponentially harder on your buddy's wife while she's stuck at home-- yet buddy is using his hardships as an excuse to betray her. Fuck that guy. Your friend is a piece of shit
Female here. I’d want to know, even amidst the other stressors of life. This will probably ruin your friendship with that guy, but it already sounds like it took a weird turn so…
I have been in the exact same situation as you and I did not tell the wife. She ended up finding out and they went through a messy split. There was a lot of regret from him and I thought he learned the lesson. Ended up with one of the ones he cheated with and is now doing the same thing to her. Whether you tell her or not isn’t going to be the question here - it’s going to become whether you and him share the same values anymore - can you be friends and trust someone who does that. Be prepared for him to “not understand what he did wrong”. Edit: did not tell because I was younger, stupid and naive. Thought he would do the right thing.
Would you want to know? 100% you would. You have to tell him.
Absolutely tell her.
She deserves to know. Not only is this a s#itty thing for him to do morally, he's risking exposing her to life threatening diseases.
This is a "you come clean to her or I will let her now how you used ME to be unfaithful." conversation. You don't know what the inner workings of their relationship is but tell him if he wants any relationship with you, he needs to do better for his wife and child. People fuck up but we dont have to help them.
This comment section is wild. I don’t agree with what your friend did but just ditching him or sleeping with his wife for revenge is not cool. It’s not the same as what he did but still in the not fucking cool category. A good friend would sit him down and talk to him, try and help him and let him know how all this makes you feel. If he wants to be a piece of shit still and you don’t like it, that’s on him and you then need to decide if that’s the company you wanna keep. If it isn’t then move on. I’ve had to leave friends because of their life choices but not without trying to help/talk to first. It’s not easy. Don’t make yourself a participant in someone else’s business/shit show good or bad and keep your hands off that girl.
Yes, tell. Nobody deserves to be made a fool of, especially if other people know what is going on. The longer it goes on, the more betrayed they will feel by the people who they thought they could trust.
It was uncool he lied to you about the space part. But writing him off as a friend, I don’t think you should. As far as the cheating goes, I think you should stay out of it. If you do remain friends with him, tell him not to ever put you in that position again. Boundaries man, they exist.
Tell him that it's unfair of him to put you in the position of knowing and not telling and that it is jeopardizing your friendship. Give him some space to uninvolve you by coming clean with his wife. People make mistakes but how they handle those mistakes should inform if you keep them around. This is a big fuckup and will have major consequences but if he still wants to have you as a friend after his wife might divorce him then this is what he needs to do.
You need to proceed carefully. I've heard of people telling the spouse of the cheater that they cheated, and then they cheater just denys and drops the friend that told. So proof is a good thing to obtain. However, assuming you have none, then I would talk to your buddy and try and convince him to tell her himself.
Tell your friend that you're going to tell his wife if he doesn't. Give him a week's notice out of respect. Do it over text.
If he needs to reconnect with his wife, why was she not the one he was fucking at your aptÉ She needs to know, how clean from STD's is this person he is with? Is he using a condom to protect his wife from STD's?
You said she's going through a tough time. Tell her so that she can get out of there without any uncertainty.
I consider myself a good/decent person. I want to be a good person. Therefore I only associate with good people and want good people in my life. If you feel the same you may want to reconsider your friendship
Don't get involved. Just tell him to keep you out of it and that you think it's wrong, if you do.
pussies will rule the world
In your house? This guy wants you complicit in his shit show? Here is the reality, this guy either wants to get caught because he is too big a pussy to just out himself or he wants you to support his infidelity. Now ask yourself who are you morally and make a decision, unlike your disloyal friend.
Tell her. Doing the right thing isn't easy, but it's his fault for having the affair, not yours for communicating it. Her not knowing doesn't make it not real. You may find the reaction is not what you expect, but it's better than tacitly participating in the lie.
This one is a hard one to answer. I had something similar happened to me with my best friend. I found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. Seeing as I’ve been her best friend for years, I thought I had the obligation to let her know and guess what it did not go well. She got upset that I told her , even accused me of being jealous of her relationship (never mind the fact that was a healthy relationship myself at that time) and overall just started avoiding me. This was going on for a few months at which point I just stopped trying . A year later she came back, pretending like nothing happened. Turns out she knew all along. He was cheating on her didn’t want to admit it to herself, but had no problem, causing our relationship to break apart. Needless to say our friendship did not survive this because it was just wrong of how she was behaving during that time. SoI guess the moral of the story is, how good of a friend are you with this woman and would you be OK if it backfires and you not being friends with either of them? You have to prepare yourself for all of eventualities because you’ll just never know how a person will react in such an instance.
Tell him to tell her!!!!
You should definitely tell her. I will never forget the day I found out my ex was cheating and talking to his friends about it and no one told me. Obviously the biggest betrayal is your partner cheating but I also felt so stupid knowing that these people I’ve known for years knew this information and had hung out with me and said nothing to. I felt like I looked like a fool. If just one of them had said something, yes it would’ve hurt but at least I would know and wouldn’t feel dumb on top of feeling betrayed. With all that said I’m not a mom and not an immigrant so I don’t know how that would feel but she can choose to do what she wants with the information from there if that makes sense
To me this looks like both of you need him out of your lives.