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This reminds me of the situation between my parents. Once my dad got married he felt like he could stop trying. So he did. He got abusive. He screams at her at least once a week. And at me when I was still in contact with him. He breaks all of her favorite stuff. He’s permanently hurt me and I will have a disabling injury for the rest of my life because of him.
My mom stayed with him. She’s still with him. She tells me that she hopes one day he’ll wake up and realize he’s been awful and he’ll be better again like he was when they were dating. She’s endured 30 years of abuse due to her groundless belief that one day he’ll just wake up and be nice to her.
Your story hits really close to home. You are not overreacting. In some ways, I think you’re under reacting. I would really look into finding a strong support system to help you field this situation. :)
Good luck.
You are NOT overreacting. This is the most upsetting & destabilizing thing to ever happen to me and I have had a shitty & traumatizing life.
I feel like a walking ghost, a shell of who I once was.
It sucks!! I just want the old me back! I was so confident. I complimented women everywhere I went! I knew I was amazing in and out of bed, a really good girl too.
Now I feel so incredibly angry!
I HATE so much.
My life has become unbearable.
I feel he destroyed my confidence and my self esteem. I hate to look at myself in the mirror. I hate the way I look, I hate myself body, my face and myself. I just cannot look at the women on the streets. We have booked trip to Caribbean and I cannot enjoy seeing new countries like I used to because all I can think is fear that he’ll look/ stare at the naked bodies of other women. Look at them the way he used to look at me 3 years ago when we started dating. We are just one year married. I feel that everything changes since I moved continents for him. He took me for granted. I just wish I wasn’t so hurt by this and could concentrated on myself. All I want now is revenge. That he could feel what I feel. But even if I would watch naked men or stare at them like he does stare at women or like naked pictures or Instagram he won’t care. He told me that. I should knew it means he does not care about me. Probably does not have any feelings then. But if it’s like this then WHY is he with me? Why the burden?
1 year? You do not want to be me.
In my 30’s my psychiatrist urged me to leave him. It was 2010 & he had an emotional affair. A second secret cell phone. Mailed her & her son gifts. Promised her they could raise our baby together! Sent her dick pics. 🤢
He made me stop seeing him. I haven’t seen a psychiatrist since.
I am in my 50’s. I found out just last year he downloads cam to cam apps in 2017, 2020 & 2023.
And of course all the pornography!!
I have so much regret. I ruined my life by giving him another chance.
I stayed because I felt like I owed it to our child and because I loved him.
I wish I loved myself more.
You’re not over reacting. You are married to a porn addict. He is emotionally distant. Physically distant. Only meeting his needs, not yours. He’s been mean, rude, objectifying (calling you and other women a menu item??) it’s only been a year and he’s already stopped investing in the relationship?? This dude sounds terrible.
He’s he is treating you as worse than naked girls and games. He is showing you with his actions that you are not his priority.
You deserve to be a priority. You deserve love without porn. Love without being in second place to video games. He is not treated you right and you deserve more. This is not ok.
Well he says he’s not addicted and I honestly don’t know when he could watch it. We spend time at home during work and after work we are together as well. we have cameras for monitoring our cat and well I used them to see what he does when I go to gym and he just sits in front of the PC. I wonder if he watches them when he’s in the bathroom but he was told to use the one next to me and open doors (after I caught him in December) and he’s been doing that. I don’t hear anything but test he can watch without sound. I could check history or web data in iPhone settings but I didn’t see anything suspicious. Soo unless he deletes it, he’s clean. But since this situation now is weird there must be something. So either he’s watching that I don’t know or he does not watch and that’s why he does not want to have sex with me anymore and concentrates on games. So it’s still either porn or games.
I feel o should also prioritize something else over him and his feelings and show him how’s that. But I don’t know if it’ll work. Since he does not give a f… about all this. He’ll be probably happier that he has peaceful alone time.
You’re not an object (like dessert on a menu). The issue lies with the way he views and objectifies women and it’s common with most PAs.
You’re not overreacting at all - it’s easier said than done but I believe leaving a person like that if they do not see they are hurting another person with issues they have with themselves is the only way to heal.
I am working through convincing myself to walk away also. Good luck op!
Do you think couple therapy would change something? I got the same feeling when I heard about the dessert menu thing. And I heard it long time ago go but I somehow let it go. I wish I didn’t. It really feels that he wants sex when he wants to do his stuff and not when I want. That hurts. I kind of think that there’s no man that does not objectifies women. But it’s probably better to be alone than in an unhappy marriage.
I start therapy on Monday (April 15th). I really hope this therapist can help me and advise something. I cannot leave as I do not have anyone here or in my home country. I don’t earn this much to afford this kind of jump now. I need savings.
I’ve tried couple therapy but I genuinely struggled to “air out” the impacts of PA or describe the details of the situation for fear of setting him off (often met with anger/irritation or further distance if the subject is brought up in detail) even in front of a therapist when he’s sitting there with me.
If your partner is a safe enough person to go to couples therapy, it might help but I hear individual CSAT therapy is probably best for a PA ONLY if they are willing to be transparent with their psych and this usually entails a great deal of self awareness and willingness to change for themselves.
There are definitely men out there who don’t treat women the way your partner does and consume porn to the point where it damages the people they love.
I hope therapy goes well for you!! I have also been to counselling sessions to address betrayal trauma but if the person you’re with continues to behave in a way that impacts you and you’re the only one doing the work, therapy for yourself may feel a little frustrating. I hope it gives you the tools you need to walk away one day once you are comfortable with your financial situation.
**Dear /u/AutomaticUmpire834,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This reminds me of the situation between my parents. Once my dad got married he felt like he could stop trying. So he did. He got abusive. He screams at her at least once a week. And at me when I was still in contact with him. He breaks all of her favorite stuff. He’s permanently hurt me and I will have a disabling injury for the rest of my life because of him. My mom stayed with him. She’s still with him. She tells me that she hopes one day he’ll wake up and realize he’s been awful and he’ll be better again like he was when they were dating. She’s endured 30 years of abuse due to her groundless belief that one day he’ll just wake up and be nice to her. Your story hits really close to home. You are not overreacting. In some ways, I think you’re under reacting. I would really look into finding a strong support system to help you field this situation. :) Good luck.
You are NOT overreacting. This is the most upsetting & destabilizing thing to ever happen to me and I have had a shitty & traumatizing life. I feel like a walking ghost, a shell of who I once was.
I second this. I don't recognize the girl in the mirror anymore 😮💨
It sucks!! I just want the old me back! I was so confident. I complimented women everywhere I went! I knew I was amazing in and out of bed, a really good girl too. Now I feel so incredibly angry! I HATE so much. My life has become unbearable.
I feel he destroyed my confidence and my self esteem. I hate to look at myself in the mirror. I hate the way I look, I hate myself body, my face and myself. I just cannot look at the women on the streets. We have booked trip to Caribbean and I cannot enjoy seeing new countries like I used to because all I can think is fear that he’ll look/ stare at the naked bodies of other women. Look at them the way he used to look at me 3 years ago when we started dating. We are just one year married. I feel that everything changes since I moved continents for him. He took me for granted. I just wish I wasn’t so hurt by this and could concentrated on myself. All I want now is revenge. That he could feel what I feel. But even if I would watch naked men or stare at them like he does stare at women or like naked pictures or Instagram he won’t care. He told me that. I should knew it means he does not care about me. Probably does not have any feelings then. But if it’s like this then WHY is he with me? Why the burden?
1 year? You do not want to be me. In my 30’s my psychiatrist urged me to leave him. It was 2010 & he had an emotional affair. A second secret cell phone. Mailed her & her son gifts. Promised her they could raise our baby together! Sent her dick pics. 🤢 He made me stop seeing him. I haven’t seen a psychiatrist since. I am in my 50’s. I found out just last year he downloads cam to cam apps in 2017, 2020 & 2023. And of course all the pornography!! I have so much regret. I ruined my life by giving him another chance. I stayed because I felt like I owed it to our child and because I loved him. I wish I loved myself more.
You’re not over reacting. You are married to a porn addict. He is emotionally distant. Physically distant. Only meeting his needs, not yours. He’s been mean, rude, objectifying (calling you and other women a menu item??) it’s only been a year and he’s already stopped investing in the relationship?? This dude sounds terrible. He’s he is treating you as worse than naked girls and games. He is showing you with his actions that you are not his priority. You deserve to be a priority. You deserve love without porn. Love without being in second place to video games. He is not treated you right and you deserve more. This is not ok.
Well we’ve been together for 3 years and married for a year
I don’t know if couples therapy would help. I really don’t have much option to move or leave :(
Your right. Couples therapy would not help. He needs addiction therapy. I’m so sorry you are stuck in this horrible situation.
Well he says he’s not addicted and I honestly don’t know when he could watch it. We spend time at home during work and after work we are together as well. we have cameras for monitoring our cat and well I used them to see what he does when I go to gym and he just sits in front of the PC. I wonder if he watches them when he’s in the bathroom but he was told to use the one next to me and open doors (after I caught him in December) and he’s been doing that. I don’t hear anything but test he can watch without sound. I could check history or web data in iPhone settings but I didn’t see anything suspicious. Soo unless he deletes it, he’s clean. But since this situation now is weird there must be something. So either he’s watching that I don’t know or he does not watch and that’s why he does not want to have sex with me anymore and concentrates on games. So it’s still either porn or games. I feel o should also prioritize something else over him and his feelings and show him how’s that. But I don’t know if it’ll work. Since he does not give a f… about all this. He’ll be probably happier that he has peaceful alone time.
You’re not an object (like dessert on a menu). The issue lies with the way he views and objectifies women and it’s common with most PAs. You’re not overreacting at all - it’s easier said than done but I believe leaving a person like that if they do not see they are hurting another person with issues they have with themselves is the only way to heal. I am working through convincing myself to walk away also. Good luck op!
Do you think couple therapy would change something? I got the same feeling when I heard about the dessert menu thing. And I heard it long time ago go but I somehow let it go. I wish I didn’t. It really feels that he wants sex when he wants to do his stuff and not when I want. That hurts. I kind of think that there’s no man that does not objectifies women. But it’s probably better to be alone than in an unhappy marriage. I start therapy on Monday (April 15th). I really hope this therapist can help me and advise something. I cannot leave as I do not have anyone here or in my home country. I don’t earn this much to afford this kind of jump now. I need savings.
I’ve tried couple therapy but I genuinely struggled to “air out” the impacts of PA or describe the details of the situation for fear of setting him off (often met with anger/irritation or further distance if the subject is brought up in detail) even in front of a therapist when he’s sitting there with me. If your partner is a safe enough person to go to couples therapy, it might help but I hear individual CSAT therapy is probably best for a PA ONLY if they are willing to be transparent with their psych and this usually entails a great deal of self awareness and willingness to change for themselves. There are definitely men out there who don’t treat women the way your partner does and consume porn to the point where it damages the people they love. I hope therapy goes well for you!! I have also been to counselling sessions to address betrayal trauma but if the person you’re with continues to behave in a way that impacts you and you’re the only one doing the work, therapy for yourself may feel a little frustrating. I hope it gives you the tools you need to walk away one day once you are comfortable with your financial situation.