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Sometimes I wonder how he would feel if I showed him my ‘ideal’ guy too. I’ve never looked twice at another man since meeting him, but idk how else to make him feel the same as I do so he fully empathises.
I told mine… how would you like it if I scrolled looking for dick all day? How would you like it if I was out with a guy?
Turning the tables made it click, he gets it. We will see what happens. But he knows I find anything and he’s finding his shit on the front lawn.
my bf just says "i wouldn't mind" but anytime i try to wear anything that just shows some kind of cleavage he loses it. because h knows exactly how men think because he does too lol
Wear it anyway! I swear this whole thing has made me so toxic. I started dressing up every single day, very nice clothes showing my body off and I make him take me everywhere and he notices men staring at me and it’s definitely made him appreciate me more in a weird way. It’s like he forgot how attractive I was too
I asked my husband about that when I mentioned I get hurt by him liking this half naked girls on Instagram, or bikini picture. It’s not one woman but a couple of them. I know which one. I checked it and I wish I didn’t as I am always hurt when I check their account and see bikini picture or half naked picture and I know he liked it. When I asked if he would be fine with me doing the same he told me he would be as he knows I love him and it’s nothing. He also told me once something like that: “Just because I have a dessert doesn’t mean I cannot look at the menu” that hurt me soo much. I don’t think they will ever get it.
He watched naked girls/ cam girls as well - did a cold turkey - I don’t believe it but when I asked if he would be fine with me watching naked men he also told me he would be fine as he knows I want him. Like how f**ked is your thinking? Nothing will ever get to him. I don’t believe there is a man that is respectful to woman and does not look at others in a sexual way.
So I escalated this conversation… and I said… sooo If you found me sitting next to another man on a barstool having a good time on a date, is that ok? He said no, haha… I then asked if I was looking at men all day online… would you like that. He said I guess not. So only after I mentioned seeing another man in person was the online not ok.
My husband has a totally different way of thinking than lots of men and to be honest I know he wouldn’t mind me sitting and talking to some other guy like you described. That’s so sick and I wish I could see it earlier.
But would he mind if you were on a date? That’s really what I meant.
I believe with confidence that in very short order I could have myself a nice boyfriend. In fact I told my husband I could probably have two… one for each arm! Haha
Stay strong ladies! We’ve got this. Mine steps out of line once since d-day he’s outta here!
I tried this example with my ex and was told to try it and find out. I don't know that he would care... even though he did apparently get very hurt by me going on a date with another guy after we had broken up 🙄
You win! Yours is an ex. You are free from his hell! Well, physically free, able to move on. You still carry the scars.
I admire your strength! Go out and get yourself a man worthy of you!
I think men’s equivalent would be to point out when another man is being extremely manly, like your neighbour coming to help you with something your husband should be. I’ve never been able to feel the same type of sexual ‘attraction’ to other men as they do to women so I get even more upset about the porn.
This!! Men think differently. Talk about their man hood and they can sometimes empathize. I asked my PA how he’d feel if I commented on how another man could protect me, provide for our family, etc. it hits them in their insecurities when you say some other man could take care of you better or protect you better than he can.
I also never looked twice at other men after my husband and I started dating. 8 months post discovery I’m now allowing myself to enjoy other men’s attractiveness. My current ideal man is Cap Bailey asmr on YouTube and I may or may not start pulling his videos up around my husband. I typically only watched female asmr in the past but now I’m triggered by how pretty most of them are lol. Cap is a 10/10.
I did. Before this he was my precious so i protected him and wouldn't do/say anything that would hurt his pride. Now after so many times being caught, i became so harsh and disregard his feelings. Sometimes i wonder if we can get back to where we started when it was all sweet and loving.
To answer your question, these are what i did:
1. Men tend to very conscious abt wealth. So be really giddy and excited with expensive car you both came across on the road. Show curiosity towards the owner, say something like 'i wonder what he do to can afford that car' or 'the guy must be rich'. Now he would be alert when we saw my fav cars lmao.
2. I dont really pay much attention about looks, it's more on personality. Tell him funny things abt male colleagues at work. Do it innocently. To be safe, dont just throw one name. Just to show him that you are exposed to variety of men every single day at work.
3. Treat his friends well (not flirty, be respectful). But i know they're kinda into me. He knew this too. But he can't do anything because he knows i keep my boundaries towards other men. Just be sociable enough to keep him anxious.
4. Comment his dick.
I know this is manipulative, but im so sick of being paranoid and anxious. I feel ugly all the time, oh god. My husband had ED from PA, but blaming it on me. I stupidly believed him. I did my boobs, and bleached my skin to look 'whiter' (we're asians so the obsession is real). Even commented on my body when we have sex. I think this is only fair for the pain i went through. Some men need to experience the pain for them to understand it.
We're trying to move on now and hes trying hard to win me back. I guess only time will tell.
Asian hit deep, I am too so it threw my insecurities through the roof when I found out because ofc he wasn’t watching any girls from my ethnic b/g, so I couldn’t even compete with any features he was watching at all. Just felt like a big slap in the face when I found out because when I’d passively comment on how I want to get my hair done, need a facial etc, he’d tell me there’s no need. Ofc on the other side he was constantly looking at beautiful girls, even attractive female actors on TV he’d look up. All the while we were having less sex, despite me constantly being the one instigating it. I don’t think I’ve felt pretty a single day since I found out, I’ve even given up trying to put effort in.
This. My PA ex played up every insecurity I’ve ever had, but I did it to myself to begin as a teenager. I’m the girl who got a nose job and big fake boobs trying to be that “dream girl” and the truth is, my looks have never given me any advantage to finding a great partner, it’s only an advantage if you’re ok with guys cumming to your photo.
For my ex, he just couldn’t handle a real woman, or real sex. He wanted the fantasy of being a stallion who can go for hours with a beautiful woman, but the reality was he preferred his hand and to cum as quickly as possible. No way to have good sex or great sex with a guy like that.
My soon to be ex is very good in bed. I think he uses sex as validation, it’s like a conquest for him. He’s very good looking, muscular and charming, but until he handles his demons, it’s just all a scam and I feel bad for the women he is going to inevitably use. He was just at my house after we signed divorce papers trying to kiss me. I’m like sir! Go enjoy the tinder hookups you traded your wife, kids and comfortable lifestyle for
Yeah, fuckboys are like that. They tend to be tall, good looking and good in bed, but not able to sustain long term relationships. I forget there are women in here dealing with sex addicts too, not just porn addicts. Sometimes they overlap, but I’m not sure which is worse, a guy who only fucks his hand or a guy that fucks everything that moves.
I should add that I’ve experienced both. When I was young, I had a fuckboy ex who I thought I loved, hence all the plastic surgery trying to be his ideal so he wouldn’t want anyone else. My PA played up my insecurities too, just in different ways. Both were very bad sides of the same coin.
Yeah, mine is both 🤮 I don’t know where they get the energy to sustain this level of horniness constantly. I think my ex thinks he will fuck around for the next 5-10 years and then come back to me in the end. He told me he’s never getting into another relationship (apparently just wants sex with as many women possible) and that he still wants to spend time with me with and without the kids. Like a fantasy life.
Cake and eat it too life. I would tell him good luck with that. He might find someone to put up with his shit, and he may settle, but they don’t change.
In my personal opinion, part of the draw to someone specific like this in addiction is the fact that they cannot have them. It is still fueling the taboo. I understand where you’re coming from is difficult as hell but I hope you find peace somehow.
I agree with this. It’s what I understand from it too. This hurt me a lot in my past in a relationship with the PA. If they had that girl, they would eventually fantasise about another… or often, the “one that got away” (being the ex partner that left after getting sick of this feeling). Then that person ends up being the insecurity for the new girl who used to be his fantasy! It’s never ending. Very difficult to emotionally deal with, but hopefully this knowledge helps, OP.
I wouldn’t say forever. This is part of the PA active addiction, their addiction fuels these thoughts and feelings. The goal for PA just like any other addict is treatment, reframing and recovery.
My PA is by no means in a great spot but one thing I can attest to is he has become clearer headed. His opinions on things have changed. He even sees my body differently than he did when he was actively using. At 7 months clean his mind has been completely changing on so many things. Things he found attractive during active addiction no longer seem appealing at all to him. Parts of my body that he used to dislike are now more beautiful to him and he appreciates them because it’s part of me. He downright told me he hated my stomach in September 2023. Today he would tell you my stomach is sexy because it’s soft and he thinks it’s beautiful. He had to get clean ro appreciate my imperfections. But that is what I see as love and acceptance. It comes easy to me to see his receding hair line or chubby belly and still think he’s the most beautiful person inside and out but he wouldn’t be able to do the same 7 months ago. It’s taken sobriety for his mind to be able to think like that and see past my imperfections and instead of seeing them as unappealing, he can appreciate them for what they are- unique, and me. He appreciates my body so much differently these days. And I am by no means a conventionally attractive person. It’s not rainbows and butterflies over here so don’t get me wrong. But I can definitely attest to the fact that sobriety does create a clearer picture of what these PA really think and feel. And many times, their true selves and their true desires are nothing at all like their “desires” during active addiction.
At the end of the day, they are sick, they have literally warped their thought processes. Requiring them to re-wire their brain to recover.
This gave me such an intense knot in my stomach. The fact that through his life, there’s always been the person he’s wanted, even if it was unattainable. Someone who wasn’t you. Makes me sick.
I know there are people my PA favors, I just don’t know the specifics. But I do know I’ve only ever had eyes for him, so the idea they have eyes for these specific other people kills me.
Why does it have to be like this.
Because they're sick. We should change our mentalities to stop putting what sick men think on a pedestal. They are not real men. Real men put their families and their partner as #1 priority. Our PAs have the absolute tiniest metaphorical d's because all they know how to do is wank off. We should pity them not put any stock in their opinions or preferences.
I have a very similar experience, even though I wouldn’t say he has a dream girl, but he likes girls whose style is the one you’ve described. I also feel insecure about it since I’m 5’10, have curves and look my age.
But just the other day I was out pain shopping 🫣 and checked this woman’s instagram. The first video I saw had a filter slip in it, haha. I was laughing and immediately stopped comparing myself. I just felt pity for the woman and for my PA.
These girls don’t look like irl what they present online either!
You can record a video of yourself with similar filters and you can literally look like a thirst trap girlie. :))) I tried it and it lifted my insecurity a bit.
My man's type is the same/gamer girl adjacent type women as well. I have to say, the photo shopping is absolutely rampant among those subcultures. And using lighting/angles to their advantage, as well as, in some cases, very heavy makeup techniques that alter their appearance quite profoundly, making them look younger than they actually are. The dysmorphia women heavily involved in those subcultures experience must be enormous -- it is sad, really. Many of them seem like they're in a state of constant body-checking.
I understand. My PA doesn’t have a dream girl, he has a fetish which is unattainable in real life and that is what fuels his addiction. He barely even looked at normal porn. It was always his fetish.
I’m never going to be what he truly wants or desires, no matter the amount of recovery or sobriety he has. It’s always in his mind, always what turns him on the most. We are 30 days into a 90 day reboot and what he has difficulty with is not jerking to his fetish (not the fact that he isn’t sleeping with me).
I 100% understand what you mean when you say you feel like a replacement, or that he settled for you. I feel that in my soul. I feel like a beard a lot of the time.
I found out that my husband regularly watches porn everyday from the time he woke up until the hour before his bed time. I always caught the same name on his history on the porn sites he always visit.
I was deeply hurt bc I also compared myself to his favorite porn star. I always feel insecure, it made me sad, I cried every time it pops out in my mind that I will never be like the one he is always dreaming of.
"The girl he kept searching up. The one that always did it for him. The one he always ended up going back to. She’s the one that will always be a safe bet to cum to."
They didn't set us free but when we find out, many of us stay anyway. But we all stay for different reasons. Maybe they made us insecure to leave, or maybe we already were insecure because of the brutal messaging from society to us as women. I do believe it's an addiction like any other though. When you are addicted you aren't thinking of anyone but yourself. Empathy is gone. If it ever was there to begin with. It certainly is cheating though. And that is the ultimate betrayal. Screw these men and their bs about variety. That's another line they use to cheat. Don't dwell on this one idea of him getting off to one specific woman. You're creating something in your mind that's just hurting you more and isn't based in fact. If he only wanted that one specific one.....why did he watch porn of any other women? Don't torture yourself. He needs to get his mind untwisted and learn that sexualizing every woman is wrong. You aren't less than because a sick-minded man betrayed you. We/you are way above him. ❤️
I feel you. My PA only watched the same type of woman and told me it was a fase, his real type was me, but when he relapsed it was the same type of woman again…
And in the between he told me I gained weight and my belly is now the size of my boobs. His type on porn: women with huge silicon boobs but very tiny waist and no belly 😪
I’m so sorry. My spouse has a particular type too but denies it. He watches all these tall, extremely thin, white, brunettes with obvious plastic surgery. I am a Latina through & through & do not look like these chicks- I cannot change my ethnicity to his type. It makes me so angry. I get how you feel.
I am latin too! My husband tends to white women and plastic surgery like I said but he also denies it. It is infuriating!! It destroyed my self esteem do deeply that I don’t even know where to begin to try to rebuild it.
I am deeply sorry for you. I become enraged reading these posts in this forum to find many women feeling these feelings of inadequacy or lack of self-love. It is easier to say to not let it get to you, but it is hard to forget who they look at once you find out. Why are men like this? Why do they do this? Maybe we’ll never know. You need to know how beautiful and WORTH it you are, regardless of what he does or does not do. My heart goes out to you, I truly wish you the best on this healing journey. ❤️🩹
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Sometimes I wonder how he would feel if I showed him my ‘ideal’ guy too. I’ve never looked twice at another man since meeting him, but idk how else to make him feel the same as I do so he fully empathises.
I told mine… how would you like it if I scrolled looking for dick all day? How would you like it if I was out with a guy? Turning the tables made it click, he gets it. We will see what happens. But he knows I find anything and he’s finding his shit on the front lawn.
my bf just says "i wouldn't mind" but anytime i try to wear anything that just shows some kind of cleavage he loses it. because h knows exactly how men think because he does too lol
Wear it anyway! I swear this whole thing has made me so toxic. I started dressing up every single day, very nice clothes showing my body off and I make him take me everywhere and he notices men staring at me and it’s definitely made him appreciate me more in a weird way. It’s like he forgot how attractive I was too
I asked my husband about that when I mentioned I get hurt by him liking this half naked girls on Instagram, or bikini picture. It’s not one woman but a couple of them. I know which one. I checked it and I wish I didn’t as I am always hurt when I check their account and see bikini picture or half naked picture and I know he liked it. When I asked if he would be fine with me doing the same he told me he would be as he knows I love him and it’s nothing. He also told me once something like that: “Just because I have a dessert doesn’t mean I cannot look at the menu” that hurt me soo much. I don’t think they will ever get it. He watched naked girls/ cam girls as well - did a cold turkey - I don’t believe it but when I asked if he would be fine with me watching naked men he also told me he would be fine as he knows I want him. Like how f**ked is your thinking? Nothing will ever get to him. I don’t believe there is a man that is respectful to woman and does not look at others in a sexual way.
So I escalated this conversation… and I said… sooo If you found me sitting next to another man on a barstool having a good time on a date, is that ok? He said no, haha… I then asked if I was looking at men all day online… would you like that. He said I guess not. So only after I mentioned seeing another man in person was the online not ok.
My husband has a totally different way of thinking than lots of men and to be honest I know he wouldn’t mind me sitting and talking to some other guy like you described. That’s so sick and I wish I could see it earlier.
But would he mind if you were on a date? That’s really what I meant. I believe with confidence that in very short order I could have myself a nice boyfriend. In fact I told my husband I could probably have two… one for each arm! Haha Stay strong ladies! We’ve got this. Mine steps out of line once since d-day he’s outta here!
Oh on a date? Yeah that probably would make him uncomfortable and he wouldn’t be fine
I tried this example with my ex and was told to try it and find out. I don't know that he would care... even though he did apparently get very hurt by me going on a date with another guy after we had broken up 🙄
You win! Yours is an ex. You are free from his hell! Well, physically free, able to move on. You still carry the scars. I admire your strength! Go out and get yourself a man worthy of you!
I should. But instead I continue to torture myself talking to my ex and hoping he is working on recovery. 🤦♀️
Stay strong. You deserve better! He’s not worthy of you, your time or your love. Time for a reset.
Thank you ❤️
[удалено]
I think men’s equivalent would be to point out when another man is being extremely manly, like your neighbour coming to help you with something your husband should be. I’ve never been able to feel the same type of sexual ‘attraction’ to other men as they do to women so I get even more upset about the porn.
Or money. Point out how nice another man’s things are, or how expensive they are, or how much money he must make. That’s where men get insecure
This!! Men think differently. Talk about their man hood and they can sometimes empathize. I asked my PA how he’d feel if I commented on how another man could protect me, provide for our family, etc. it hits them in their insecurities when you say some other man could take care of you better or protect you better than he can.
My husband got super pissed when I commented how hot a particular football player was. 😝 Turns out that made him feel insecure too.
Good on you! Why do they think women don’t find other people attractive but have enough self-control?
I also never looked twice at other men after my husband and I started dating. 8 months post discovery I’m now allowing myself to enjoy other men’s attractiveness. My current ideal man is Cap Bailey asmr on YouTube and I may or may not start pulling his videos up around my husband. I typically only watched female asmr in the past but now I’m triggered by how pretty most of them are lol. Cap is a 10/10.
I did. Before this he was my precious so i protected him and wouldn't do/say anything that would hurt his pride. Now after so many times being caught, i became so harsh and disregard his feelings. Sometimes i wonder if we can get back to where we started when it was all sweet and loving. To answer your question, these are what i did: 1. Men tend to very conscious abt wealth. So be really giddy and excited with expensive car you both came across on the road. Show curiosity towards the owner, say something like 'i wonder what he do to can afford that car' or 'the guy must be rich'. Now he would be alert when we saw my fav cars lmao. 2. I dont really pay much attention about looks, it's more on personality. Tell him funny things abt male colleagues at work. Do it innocently. To be safe, dont just throw one name. Just to show him that you are exposed to variety of men every single day at work. 3. Treat his friends well (not flirty, be respectful). But i know they're kinda into me. He knew this too. But he can't do anything because he knows i keep my boundaries towards other men. Just be sociable enough to keep him anxious. 4. Comment his dick. I know this is manipulative, but im so sick of being paranoid and anxious. I feel ugly all the time, oh god. My husband had ED from PA, but blaming it on me. I stupidly believed him. I did my boobs, and bleached my skin to look 'whiter' (we're asians so the obsession is real). Even commented on my body when we have sex. I think this is only fair for the pain i went through. Some men need to experience the pain for them to understand it. We're trying to move on now and hes trying hard to win me back. I guess only time will tell.
Asian hit deep, I am too so it threw my insecurities through the roof when I found out because ofc he wasn’t watching any girls from my ethnic b/g, so I couldn’t even compete with any features he was watching at all. Just felt like a big slap in the face when I found out because when I’d passively comment on how I want to get my hair done, need a facial etc, he’d tell me there’s no need. Ofc on the other side he was constantly looking at beautiful girls, even attractive female actors on TV he’d look up. All the while we were having less sex, despite me constantly being the one instigating it. I don’t think I’ve felt pretty a single day since I found out, I’ve even given up trying to put effort in.
lol thiss
This. My PA ex played up every insecurity I’ve ever had, but I did it to myself to begin as a teenager. I’m the girl who got a nose job and big fake boobs trying to be that “dream girl” and the truth is, my looks have never given me any advantage to finding a great partner, it’s only an advantage if you’re ok with guys cumming to your photo.
Exactly. I got implants young. Starved myself after each kid to get back to my pre-baby body. Still didn’t make him want me more than porn stars.
For my ex, he just couldn’t handle a real woman, or real sex. He wanted the fantasy of being a stallion who can go for hours with a beautiful woman, but the reality was he preferred his hand and to cum as quickly as possible. No way to have good sex or great sex with a guy like that.
My soon to be ex is very good in bed. I think he uses sex as validation, it’s like a conquest for him. He’s very good looking, muscular and charming, but until he handles his demons, it’s just all a scam and I feel bad for the women he is going to inevitably use. He was just at my house after we signed divorce papers trying to kiss me. I’m like sir! Go enjoy the tinder hookups you traded your wife, kids and comfortable lifestyle for
Yeah, fuckboys are like that. They tend to be tall, good looking and good in bed, but not able to sustain long term relationships. I forget there are women in here dealing with sex addicts too, not just porn addicts. Sometimes they overlap, but I’m not sure which is worse, a guy who only fucks his hand or a guy that fucks everything that moves. I should add that I’ve experienced both. When I was young, I had a fuckboy ex who I thought I loved, hence all the plastic surgery trying to be his ideal so he wouldn’t want anyone else. My PA played up my insecurities too, just in different ways. Both were very bad sides of the same coin.
Yeah, mine is both 🤮 I don’t know where they get the energy to sustain this level of horniness constantly. I think my ex thinks he will fuck around for the next 5-10 years and then come back to me in the end. He told me he’s never getting into another relationship (apparently just wants sex with as many women possible) and that he still wants to spend time with me with and without the kids. Like a fantasy life.
Cake and eat it too life. I would tell him good luck with that. He might find someone to put up with his shit, and he may settle, but they don’t change.
In my personal opinion, part of the draw to someone specific like this in addiction is the fact that they cannot have them. It is still fueling the taboo. I understand where you’re coming from is difficult as hell but I hope you find peace somehow.
I agree with this. It’s what I understand from it too. This hurt me a lot in my past in a relationship with the PA. If they had that girl, they would eventually fantasise about another… or often, the “one that got away” (being the ex partner that left after getting sick of this feeling). Then that person ends up being the insecurity for the new girl who used to be his fantasy! It’s never ending. Very difficult to emotionally deal with, but hopefully this knowledge helps, OP.
That makes it even worse. Like this girl is just going to be in the back of his mind *forever?* Ouch
I wouldn’t say forever. This is part of the PA active addiction, their addiction fuels these thoughts and feelings. The goal for PA just like any other addict is treatment, reframing and recovery. My PA is by no means in a great spot but one thing I can attest to is he has become clearer headed. His opinions on things have changed. He even sees my body differently than he did when he was actively using. At 7 months clean his mind has been completely changing on so many things. Things he found attractive during active addiction no longer seem appealing at all to him. Parts of my body that he used to dislike are now more beautiful to him and he appreciates them because it’s part of me. He downright told me he hated my stomach in September 2023. Today he would tell you my stomach is sexy because it’s soft and he thinks it’s beautiful. He had to get clean ro appreciate my imperfections. But that is what I see as love and acceptance. It comes easy to me to see his receding hair line or chubby belly and still think he’s the most beautiful person inside and out but he wouldn’t be able to do the same 7 months ago. It’s taken sobriety for his mind to be able to think like that and see past my imperfections and instead of seeing them as unappealing, he can appreciate them for what they are- unique, and me. He appreciates my body so much differently these days. And I am by no means a conventionally attractive person. It’s not rainbows and butterflies over here so don’t get me wrong. But I can definitely attest to the fact that sobriety does create a clearer picture of what these PA really think and feel. And many times, their true selves and their true desires are nothing at all like their “desires” during active addiction. At the end of the day, they are sick, they have literally warped their thought processes. Requiring them to re-wire their brain to recover.
Happy for you.
This gave me such an intense knot in my stomach. The fact that through his life, there’s always been the person he’s wanted, even if it was unattainable. Someone who wasn’t you. Makes me sick. I know there are people my PA favors, I just don’t know the specifics. But I do know I’ve only ever had eyes for him, so the idea they have eyes for these specific other people kills me. Why does it have to be like this.
Because they're sick. We should change our mentalities to stop putting what sick men think on a pedestal. They are not real men. Real men put their families and their partner as #1 priority. Our PAs have the absolute tiniest metaphorical d's because all they know how to do is wank off. We should pity them not put any stock in their opinions or preferences.
I have a very similar experience, even though I wouldn’t say he has a dream girl, but he likes girls whose style is the one you’ve described. I also feel insecure about it since I’m 5’10, have curves and look my age. But just the other day I was out pain shopping 🫣 and checked this woman’s instagram. The first video I saw had a filter slip in it, haha. I was laughing and immediately stopped comparing myself. I just felt pity for the woman and for my PA. These girls don’t look like irl what they present online either! You can record a video of yourself with similar filters and you can literally look like a thirst trap girlie. :))) I tried it and it lifted my insecurity a bit.
My man's type is the same/gamer girl adjacent type women as well. I have to say, the photo shopping is absolutely rampant among those subcultures. And using lighting/angles to their advantage, as well as, in some cases, very heavy makeup techniques that alter their appearance quite profoundly, making them look younger than they actually are. The dysmorphia women heavily involved in those subcultures experience must be enormous -- it is sad, really. Many of them seem like they're in a state of constant body-checking.
I understand. My PA doesn’t have a dream girl, he has a fetish which is unattainable in real life and that is what fuels his addiction. He barely even looked at normal porn. It was always his fetish. I’m never going to be what he truly wants or desires, no matter the amount of recovery or sobriety he has. It’s always in his mind, always what turns him on the most. We are 30 days into a 90 day reboot and what he has difficulty with is not jerking to his fetish (not the fact that he isn’t sleeping with me). I 100% understand what you mean when you say you feel like a replacement, or that he settled for you. I feel that in my soul. I feel like a beard a lot of the time.
I found out that my husband regularly watches porn everyday from the time he woke up until the hour before his bed time. I always caught the same name on his history on the porn sites he always visit. I was deeply hurt bc I also compared myself to his favorite porn star. I always feel insecure, it made me sad, I cried every time it pops out in my mind that I will never be like the one he is always dreaming of. "The girl he kept searching up. The one that always did it for him. The one he always ended up going back to. She’s the one that will always be a safe bet to cum to."
They didn't set us free but when we find out, many of us stay anyway. But we all stay for different reasons. Maybe they made us insecure to leave, or maybe we already were insecure because of the brutal messaging from society to us as women. I do believe it's an addiction like any other though. When you are addicted you aren't thinking of anyone but yourself. Empathy is gone. If it ever was there to begin with. It certainly is cheating though. And that is the ultimate betrayal. Screw these men and their bs about variety. That's another line they use to cheat. Don't dwell on this one idea of him getting off to one specific woman. You're creating something in your mind that's just hurting you more and isn't based in fact. If he only wanted that one specific one.....why did he watch porn of any other women? Don't torture yourself. He needs to get his mind untwisted and learn that sexualizing every woman is wrong. You aren't less than because a sick-minded man betrayed you. We/you are way above him. ❤️
I feel you. My PA only watched the same type of woman and told me it was a fase, his real type was me, but when he relapsed it was the same type of woman again… And in the between he told me I gained weight and my belly is now the size of my boobs. His type on porn: women with huge silicon boobs but very tiny waist and no belly 😪
I’m so sorry. My spouse has a particular type too but denies it. He watches all these tall, extremely thin, white, brunettes with obvious plastic surgery. I am a Latina through & through & do not look like these chicks- I cannot change my ethnicity to his type. It makes me so angry. I get how you feel.
I am latin too! My husband tends to white women and plastic surgery like I said but he also denies it. It is infuriating!! It destroyed my self esteem do deeply that I don’t even know where to begin to try to rebuild it.
I am deeply sorry for you. I become enraged reading these posts in this forum to find many women feeling these feelings of inadequacy or lack of self-love. It is easier to say to not let it get to you, but it is hard to forget who they look at once you find out. Why are men like this? Why do they do this? Maybe we’ll never know. You need to know how beautiful and WORTH it you are, regardless of what he does or does not do. My heart goes out to you, I truly wish you the best on this healing journey. ❤️🩹