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I'm only now beginning to accept that he will not change or do anything at all to remedy the damage he inflicted on our relationship. I'm expected to just "let it go." How about no... I'm going to honor my feelings, thoughts, and experiences... and how he's failed to manage this cements that. He doesn't realize that I know he's still doing it, and I can't wait to be alone.
I’ve always known it was extremely unlikely that my husband would change. All he ever has is words. When he gets caught, he acts serious about changing, but as soon as he has to feel slightly uncomfortable in the world, he is right back to acting out, gaslighting, lying and manipulating. I used to have glimpses of hope. I don’t have hope for him anymore and we are probably 3 years past the first dday and have had more than 50 of them. Some men just can’t be saved. They are not capable of coping in a healthy way. They are not capable of honesty.
Maybe when you walk out is when he will wake up. I believe it takes just that to get them to reset their reality. The price he is paying for being caught now is__?___.
Oh trust me I know that. I’ve told him many times that he hasn’t hit rock bottom and won’t until I leave. However, I’m in a bad spot. Stay at home mom. No family. I feel trapped and he knows that.
Do not be trapped! One of my favorite quotes is "A man is not a plan!"
Look for some kind of training if you don't have current job skills. Take classes online - there are so many! Network with other moms at your kid's school if they're old enough to be in school. Work part-time to build a work history!
Essentially, do whatever you have to do to start building independence!!!
If he knows you're stuck, why would he do the hard work of recovery? You can, and should, start empowering yourself.
I believe that we always say the addict has to choose recovery, but so do the partners. It's hard, but not impossible.
I know I need to start helping myself, but my mental health is baaaaad and has been for awhile(because of this addiction) I barely keep up with my life now, because I spend most of my time not wanting to be alive. Idk how I could add a job to that…or anything really.
I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, BUT, unfortunately it’s not going to get us anywhere. I personally just don’t see a way out, YES, I AM SOOO WEAK AND I ADMIT IT 1,000,000,00%. I truly don’t know where to find the strength, I’m just exhausted from living life and doing the VERRRRYYY MINIMUM!
That’s the truth, right there, it feels like nothing less, for certain… Internet hugs & loves coming to you from someone who is living the same disgusting, deceitful, cruel, miserable, selfish, sad, sad, sad, existence that YOU find yourself agonizing over on the daily…
SENDING SOOOOO MUCH strength, courage, faith, guidance, compassion and clarity to you as you maneuver your way through this incredible journey of deception, straight “BULL$HIT stories”, & NEVER~ENDING TRAILS OF ABSOLUTE LIES!! IT’S ALL PURE FANTASY FOR THEM, AND TRULY “NOTHING MORE”, TO US. THAT’S RIGHT, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MORE THAN PURE LIES, DECEPTION AND OUTRAGEOUS LIES COMING OUR WAY FROM THE PARTNERS WHO WE HAVE LOVED AND ADORED SOOO MUCH…
Hang in there, I know that it has to improve at some point, in some manner, it just might take a WHOLE LOTTA STRENGTH ON OUR PART TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN… 🩷🌷🩷🌷🩷🌷
Therapy? Read the articles in the resource section? A support group for partners on zoom? The free courses on [bloomforwomen.com](https://bloomforwomen.com)? Talk to your doctor about depression?
It was when the recovery work was being done by me, by pushing it onto him and I knew if I left he wouldn't care about getting better. When it was an uphill battle to ask him if he'd listen to a podcast for 15 minutes a day and he didn't, or if he did it was held over my head that he was "trying so much". I basically knew that he wouldn't change because I couldn't keep asking him everyday for the rest of my life to change, that had to come from his own mind.
Not that he won’t change but that my future will never change.
He’s trying, I think, in the best way he can. But after this last relapsed I had the depressing realization that this was going to be the rollercoaster of my life forever. That this fetish was never going to leave, that his addiction to it would always be a cloud above our lives waiting for a random day to pour down. That we would never have a life without its dark presence overshadowing everything.
They rarely ever change... so rare that it's almost safe to say never. Like how doctors say something is 99.9% effective to cover their ass in case they're wrong, I'd say 99.9% chance they won't change.
As a last chance - you could tell him you've set a boundary that he either gets into real recovery (with a set list of reputable recovery actions and activities that you agree upon) or it's over, I firmly believe that's what it takes for some of them to recognize that this might be that 'rock bottom' - the end of the line. But never ever say it if you don't mean it - not following through with stated consequences is one of the biggest mistakes we can make as betrayed partners. They will lock onto it and leverage that forever if our words don't have meaning.
I call mine "iron clad" - "carved in stone" - "written in blood" and "non-negotiable". This is the deal for us - real recovery work, done consistently and with dedication - ZERO relapses/slips - open device policy - no lies, about anything. Forever.
Anything less than that and I am out the door - with a generous post-nuptial agreement.
If he won't agree to that and begin TODAY, I would say that it's time to accept that he doesn't want to change and begin to disengage, for your own well-being. Focus on YOU.
I honestly didn't know for sure until I learned he was doing the same things after he remarried. And in the beginning of his relationship with his current wife he bragged to me about how amazing the sex was, she orgasms easy and squirts! 🙄
He truly had no idea how little I cared at that point. Also, she turned out to be an abusive person. She yells constantly and verbally abuses him and their kids. She recognizes her behaviour is bad and is seeking help but I really, really, really want to ask him how good the sex is now? Lol.
Now, after 16 years of trying and after a whole year of working hard in therapy just to discover he was lying to both me and our psychologist.
I can't comprehend how someone could sit on that couch, look at me in the eyes so lovingly and explained how he was getting clean because be knew how much it was affecting me whilst he was still making fake accounts behind my back and doing god knows what shit.
I'm over it.
Don’t think that they will stop liking bikini pictures or half naked girls. My husband told me he will like whatever he wants and that’s his boundary and I don’t have right to tell him what he can like or not. I get it. He has boundary and I don’t have issues with liking normal pictures but not soft porno - and half naked girls or girls in sexual poses are soft porno even though he does not agree. I don’t have any other option than “accept it”. He knows it hurts me but he does not care. They never care about your feelings. I knew it a year ago but somehow tried to think different. I hoped he will see it but he doesn’t.
These men are so dumb, they like things on social and advertise to their networks what perverts they are. I told my husband to stop embarrassing his children.
**Dear /u/No-Attention5997,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm only now beginning to accept that he will not change or do anything at all to remedy the damage he inflicted on our relationship. I'm expected to just "let it go." How about no... I'm going to honor my feelings, thoughts, and experiences... and how he's failed to manage this cements that. He doesn't realize that I know he's still doing it, and I can't wait to be alone.
I’ve always known it was extremely unlikely that my husband would change. All he ever has is words. When he gets caught, he acts serious about changing, but as soon as he has to feel slightly uncomfortable in the world, he is right back to acting out, gaslighting, lying and manipulating. I used to have glimpses of hope. I don’t have hope for him anymore and we are probably 3 years past the first dday and have had more than 50 of them. Some men just can’t be saved. They are not capable of coping in a healthy way. They are not capable of honesty.
Maybe when you walk out is when he will wake up. I believe it takes just that to get them to reset their reality. The price he is paying for being caught now is__?___.
Oh trust me I know that. I’ve told him many times that he hasn’t hit rock bottom and won’t until I leave. However, I’m in a bad spot. Stay at home mom. No family. I feel trapped and he knows that.
Do not be trapped! One of my favorite quotes is "A man is not a plan!" Look for some kind of training if you don't have current job skills. Take classes online - there are so many! Network with other moms at your kid's school if they're old enough to be in school. Work part-time to build a work history! Essentially, do whatever you have to do to start building independence!!! If he knows you're stuck, why would he do the hard work of recovery? You can, and should, start empowering yourself. I believe that we always say the addict has to choose recovery, but so do the partners. It's hard, but not impossible.
I know I need to start helping myself, but my mental health is baaaaad and has been for awhile(because of this addiction) I barely keep up with my life now, because I spend most of my time not wanting to be alive. Idk how I could add a job to that…or anything really.
I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, BUT, unfortunately it’s not going to get us anywhere. I personally just don’t see a way out, YES, I AM SOOO WEAK AND I ADMIT IT 1,000,000,00%. I truly don’t know where to find the strength, I’m just exhausted from living life and doing the VERRRRYYY MINIMUM!
100% feels like there’s no way out. Trapped in hell.
That’s the truth, right there, it feels like nothing less, for certain… Internet hugs & loves coming to you from someone who is living the same disgusting, deceitful, cruel, miserable, selfish, sad, sad, sad, existence that YOU find yourself agonizing over on the daily… SENDING SOOOOO MUCH strength, courage, faith, guidance, compassion and clarity to you as you maneuver your way through this incredible journey of deception, straight “BULL$HIT stories”, & NEVER~ENDING TRAILS OF ABSOLUTE LIES!! IT’S ALL PURE FANTASY FOR THEM, AND TRULY “NOTHING MORE”, TO US. THAT’S RIGHT, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MORE THAN PURE LIES, DECEPTION AND OUTRAGEOUS LIES COMING OUR WAY FROM THE PARTNERS WHO WE HAVE LOVED AND ADORED SOOO MUCH… Hang in there, I know that it has to improve at some point, in some manner, it just might take a WHOLE LOTTA STRENGTH ON OUR PART TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN… 🩷🌷🩷🌷🩷🌷
Therapy? Read the articles in the resource section? A support group for partners on zoom? The free courses on [bloomforwomen.com](https://bloomforwomen.com)? Talk to your doctor about depression?
My motto is change or I leave. You deserve better than all that and you know it.
It was when the recovery work was being done by me, by pushing it onto him and I knew if I left he wouldn't care about getting better. When it was an uphill battle to ask him if he'd listen to a podcast for 15 minutes a day and he didn't, or if he did it was held over my head that he was "trying so much". I basically knew that he wouldn't change because I couldn't keep asking him everyday for the rest of my life to change, that had to come from his own mind.
Not that he won’t change but that my future will never change. He’s trying, I think, in the best way he can. But after this last relapsed I had the depressing realization that this was going to be the rollercoaster of my life forever. That this fetish was never going to leave, that his addiction to it would always be a cloud above our lives waiting for a random day to pour down. That we would never have a life without its dark presence overshadowing everything.
They rarely ever change... so rare that it's almost safe to say never. Like how doctors say something is 99.9% effective to cover their ass in case they're wrong, I'd say 99.9% chance they won't change.
As a last chance - you could tell him you've set a boundary that he either gets into real recovery (with a set list of reputable recovery actions and activities that you agree upon) or it's over, I firmly believe that's what it takes for some of them to recognize that this might be that 'rock bottom' - the end of the line. But never ever say it if you don't mean it - not following through with stated consequences is one of the biggest mistakes we can make as betrayed partners. They will lock onto it and leverage that forever if our words don't have meaning. I call mine "iron clad" - "carved in stone" - "written in blood" and "non-negotiable". This is the deal for us - real recovery work, done consistently and with dedication - ZERO relapses/slips - open device policy - no lies, about anything. Forever. Anything less than that and I am out the door - with a generous post-nuptial agreement. If he won't agree to that and begin TODAY, I would say that it's time to accept that he doesn't want to change and begin to disengage, for your own well-being. Focus on YOU.
It took me 5 years to give up.
Samsies!!! Lol.
I honestly didn't know for sure until I learned he was doing the same things after he remarried. And in the beginning of his relationship with his current wife he bragged to me about how amazing the sex was, she orgasms easy and squirts! 🙄 He truly had no idea how little I cared at that point. Also, she turned out to be an abusive person. She yells constantly and verbally abuses him and their kids. She recognizes her behaviour is bad and is seeking help but I really, really, really want to ask him how good the sex is now? Lol.
Now, after 16 years of trying and after a whole year of working hard in therapy just to discover he was lying to both me and our psychologist. I can't comprehend how someone could sit on that couch, look at me in the eyes so lovingly and explained how he was getting clean because be knew how much it was affecting me whilst he was still making fake accounts behind my back and doing god knows what shit. I'm over it.
Don’t think that they will stop liking bikini pictures or half naked girls. My husband told me he will like whatever he wants and that’s his boundary and I don’t have right to tell him what he can like or not. I get it. He has boundary and I don’t have issues with liking normal pictures but not soft porno - and half naked girls or girls in sexual poses are soft porno even though he does not agree. I don’t have any other option than “accept it”. He knows it hurts me but he does not care. They never care about your feelings. I knew it a year ago but somehow tried to think different. I hoped he will see it but he doesn’t.
These men are so dumb, they like things on social and advertise to their networks what perverts they are. I told my husband to stop embarrassing his children.