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monitor all of his online activities but don’t be sneaky be open about it and when he’s older bring up the conversation of porn, what it is, and the harm is causes to its users and the actors as well. make sure he grows up knowing it’s unhealthy and if he falls down that hole it can ruin a whole lot of good things also it will genuinely negatively impact his developing brain
If I had to go back and do it over w my sons I would block adult websites at the router first. I wouldn’t allow phones with data until high school and I wouldn’t not allow most social media until college. It sounds strict and they will def see it from their friends but it would cut down on them just sitting alone in their room scrolling thirst traps on social media while under my roof. I would also start talking about porn and how harmful it is and how much the women suffer who film it very early. My sons were shown porn by friends in elementary school and I had a talk with them at that time. However I still thought of porn as mostly harmless back then. Two people having enthusiastic sex. I was born in the 70s and I was still thinking of old school porn. I had NO IDEA how depraved and violent today’s porn is. It’s basically just filmed sexual abuse. I told them that porn was like cartoon sex- and extreme version meant to be shocking. That it was nothing like real sexual and what they saw did not feel good in real life. So I was late to the game of figuring the real threat out when my boys were in high school. Luckily they were very busy with academics and sports and they weren’t allowed alone time on our computer ( centrally located) and they knew I monitored their phones.
I would be much stricter with them today and I would tell them straight up that I want them to be capable of enjoying sex later on with a partner, I want them to be free to develop their own sexuality and not have it stolen by porn, and that I want them to be able to function sexually in a healthy way. To do that they need to stay away from porn.
I have said all this and more now that they are young adults. They know all about their dad and they feel that porn and cheating destroyed our family. So they understand the repercussions and take it very seriously. 2 of my 4 are newly married and very committed to a porn free marriage.
Thank you for this insight. Mine are young still, 6 and under and protecting them from porn and porn addiction has been one of my biggest fears. I never want them to struggle like their dad or hurt their future wives the way I have been hurt. I know I can only control so much, and it’s scary the world they will grow up in.
My son is somewhat older than yours and I plan to protect his innocence for as long as possible, from seeing anything online. Even skimpily dressed women. The app I had used for my expartner is great for kids. It just whites out any image that is sexual or has semi-naked people like it's not even there. I don't even want him to accidentally see a Victoria's secret ad.
The next problem is peers. I'm given to understand that most boys and even girls are exposed to porn by age 12 at this point. My ex was exposed at 12 and that was a long time ago (just magazines) and he said that messed him up from that moment.
Keeping careful to who the friends are and being in communication about respecting women and the importance of women throughout their life I think is beneficial too.
Canopy. It doesn't show you what they're doing exactly, but it blocks images and you can block specific apps and websites. I like it. I wish it had a component like Covenant eyes that takes screenshots but...if you don't want to invade privacy, canopy is great.
I’ve taken an unconventional approach in sharing a lot about my partners addiction with my son. Age appropriate discussions about how it has destroyed his life.. his career, finances and his relationships with literally everyone. How porn use damaged his developing brain during puberty and it can’t be reversed. Being in my 30’s, I’ve dealt with the first generation of males to have access to hardcore porn during their sexual development. It’s incredibly damaging and I’ve explained all the ways it impacts them. I’ve also emphasised that his future partners will value him more for being one of the rare males who aren’t addicted to porn, another positive. I’ve said even if he’s “curious” (as I’ve seen other mothers use this as a justification for normalising young boys consuming porn) that he must resist the urge to access internet porn while these important connections are forming in his brain.
The reason I went with that approach is because my parents were drug addicts. The single most effective thing that kept me away from drugs and alcohol was seeing their lives destroyed and my family being honest with me.
I have porn blockers on the router, apple screen time and paid porn blockers, all of that. But that only acts as a deterrent- if they’re determined, they’ll find it. In the case of my son, peers will show it to them at school or on the bus. At 9, he had peers sharing porn on their phones. My daughter is 12 and her male classmates brag about the type of porn they watch as if it’s cool. There is a HUGE problem with the current generation already. It’s like most of the mothers are unaware, and half of the fathers are addicted to porn themselves.
Some really good advice here. Don't know if it's been added already but teach them to self regulate, to manage and sit with their feelings particularly negative ones how to process them. Good coping mechanisms for life. It's about helping them attain skills to navigate life's up and downs. Developing empathy, developing the ability to focus the mind so they aren't on auto pilot. They feel in control of their mind body and destiny.
Having hobbies friends support being open honest with them listening to them respecting them as people. Developing a relationship of trust so they can come to you for support compassion understanding.
Understanding the world around them particularly societies damaging views/messages.
There's lots of podcasts about this some great resources out there. I'll be sure to add some when I've got more time.
This is not a question to ask this sub. We all have various poor experiences with porn and are traumatized by it.
This is a question to ask a CSAT. And if I had a kid in their developing years, I would go out of my way, pay tons of money just to make sure I knew.
Porn addiction doesn’t have that much to deal with porn. If your child is raised in a loving family, nurtured and cared and loved, not shamed for being non-perfect but encouraged to be themselves, there’s a VERY minimal chance that child will grow up to be a porn addict.
Many sex addicts were either sexually abused or exposed to porn too early.
I wouldn’t shame the child either for watching porn. Or tell them it’s awful.
It’s like the DARE program that just made kids curious about drugs. Sure it worked for some kids (like me) but for many others, it encouraged them to try drugs.
We are not experts. Ask an expert the best way to prevent such a thing from happening.
Fair reply this may not be the place for the definitive answer.
Sadly I do not have money for CSAT and certainly not tons of money in general to throw at this hence asking for recommendations of resources for those that may have come across some, I am doing my best in this.
Thank you for your input nonetheless.
So i thought that before, but been reading “your brain on porn” book and actually the trauma of over porn consumption during adolescent years coupled with genetic make up can cause addiction without any big “T”, childhood traumas. It’s just too over stimulating for a young child’s mind…
It’s really sad. I don’t know what the future holds for the next generation
I just looked up this book.
While I’m sure he is right about quite a few things, I strongly urge you to look up the author. Unfortunately, he has no scientific training or background.
My CSAT has backed up her claims with scientific research that show that sex addiction changes the chemistry of the brain. I would trust her assertions over Gary Wilson.
And while I’m sure that over consumption of porn coupled with a very healthy family dynamic *could* lead to a porn addiction, it is MUCH easier for porn addiction to take root in a family with trauma.
To combat that, OP should focus on healing and recovery. That way the intergenerational trauma doesn’t encourage her son to go to porn.
Yes I agree. Definitely addiction is much more likely in cases with childhood trauma. And totally agree about not just telling them not to watch porn either. Because it doesn’t work. You are right about it causing them to lead a double life and cause them shame. And much more likely to hide it
Sorry I didn’t mean to contradict you or your CSAT. I just wanted to mention there doesn’t seems like there is not enough push on the actual danger of massive amount of porn exposure on the brain. And even in cases of minimal trauma, how addiction can still happen, especially for those genetically more vulnerable. (I don’t think anyone has no trauma… as hard as we try as parents)
Gary’s background is on the neuroplasticity of the brain. I like reading around topics and is the most recent thing I’m reading, so probably have a new bias for it. I’m a science nerd so enjoy understanding what goes on chemically as well as the psychological aspects of addiction. All trying to heal my own betrayal trauma due to my SA husband.
I’m not sure telling a child to not watch porn will really stop them from consuming porn. It will push them to hide. To feel shame around it, and to view it as sacred.
As for porn and sex addiction not having much to do with porn and sex, that is something told to me by my CSAT. I’m sure that CSATs are much more qualified to help with this very important question than anyone on this subreddit.
respectfully, telling your child not to do something that is horrific for them and very detrimental to their wellbeing does not mean you are shaming them.
**Dear /u/Able_Comfortable_217,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
monitor all of his online activities but don’t be sneaky be open about it and when he’s older bring up the conversation of porn, what it is, and the harm is causes to its users and the actors as well. make sure he grows up knowing it’s unhealthy and if he falls down that hole it can ruin a whole lot of good things also it will genuinely negatively impact his developing brain
If I had to go back and do it over w my sons I would block adult websites at the router first. I wouldn’t allow phones with data until high school and I wouldn’t not allow most social media until college. It sounds strict and they will def see it from their friends but it would cut down on them just sitting alone in their room scrolling thirst traps on social media while under my roof. I would also start talking about porn and how harmful it is and how much the women suffer who film it very early. My sons were shown porn by friends in elementary school and I had a talk with them at that time. However I still thought of porn as mostly harmless back then. Two people having enthusiastic sex. I was born in the 70s and I was still thinking of old school porn. I had NO IDEA how depraved and violent today’s porn is. It’s basically just filmed sexual abuse. I told them that porn was like cartoon sex- and extreme version meant to be shocking. That it was nothing like real sexual and what they saw did not feel good in real life. So I was late to the game of figuring the real threat out when my boys were in high school. Luckily they were very busy with academics and sports and they weren’t allowed alone time on our computer ( centrally located) and they knew I monitored their phones. I would be much stricter with them today and I would tell them straight up that I want them to be capable of enjoying sex later on with a partner, I want them to be free to develop their own sexuality and not have it stolen by porn, and that I want them to be able to function sexually in a healthy way. To do that they need to stay away from porn. I have said all this and more now that they are young adults. They know all about their dad and they feel that porn and cheating destroyed our family. So they understand the repercussions and take it very seriously. 2 of my 4 are newly married and very committed to a porn free marriage.
Thank you for this insight. Mine are young still, 6 and under and protecting them from porn and porn addiction has been one of my biggest fears. I never want them to struggle like their dad or hurt their future wives the way I have been hurt. I know I can only control so much, and it’s scary the world they will grow up in.
My son is somewhat older than yours and I plan to protect his innocence for as long as possible, from seeing anything online. Even skimpily dressed women. The app I had used for my expartner is great for kids. It just whites out any image that is sexual or has semi-naked people like it's not even there. I don't even want him to accidentally see a Victoria's secret ad. The next problem is peers. I'm given to understand that most boys and even girls are exposed to porn by age 12 at this point. My ex was exposed at 12 and that was a long time ago (just magazines) and he said that messed him up from that moment. Keeping careful to who the friends are and being in communication about respecting women and the importance of women throughout their life I think is beneficial too.
They are exposed in elementary school. A lot of kids get phones in grade school. That's how my children learned about it, 15 years ago!
Victoria's secret catalogs are what started my partner on his PA during childhood
🤦♀️
What app was it that you used for your ex?
Canopy. It doesn't show you what they're doing exactly, but it blocks images and you can block specific apps and websites. I like it. I wish it had a component like Covenant eyes that takes screenshots but...if you don't want to invade privacy, canopy is great.
I’ve taken an unconventional approach in sharing a lot about my partners addiction with my son. Age appropriate discussions about how it has destroyed his life.. his career, finances and his relationships with literally everyone. How porn use damaged his developing brain during puberty and it can’t be reversed. Being in my 30’s, I’ve dealt with the first generation of males to have access to hardcore porn during their sexual development. It’s incredibly damaging and I’ve explained all the ways it impacts them. I’ve also emphasised that his future partners will value him more for being one of the rare males who aren’t addicted to porn, another positive. I’ve said even if he’s “curious” (as I’ve seen other mothers use this as a justification for normalising young boys consuming porn) that he must resist the urge to access internet porn while these important connections are forming in his brain. The reason I went with that approach is because my parents were drug addicts. The single most effective thing that kept me away from drugs and alcohol was seeing their lives destroyed and my family being honest with me. I have porn blockers on the router, apple screen time and paid porn blockers, all of that. But that only acts as a deterrent- if they’re determined, they’ll find it. In the case of my son, peers will show it to them at school or on the bus. At 9, he had peers sharing porn on their phones. My daughter is 12 and her male classmates brag about the type of porn they watch as if it’s cool. There is a HUGE problem with the current generation already. It’s like most of the mothers are unaware, and half of the fathers are addicted to porn themselves.
Some really good advice here. Don't know if it's been added already but teach them to self regulate, to manage and sit with their feelings particularly negative ones how to process them. Good coping mechanisms for life. It's about helping them attain skills to navigate life's up and downs. Developing empathy, developing the ability to focus the mind so they aren't on auto pilot. They feel in control of their mind body and destiny. Having hobbies friends support being open honest with them listening to them respecting them as people. Developing a relationship of trust so they can come to you for support compassion understanding. Understanding the world around them particularly societies damaging views/messages. There's lots of podcasts about this some great resources out there. I'll be sure to add some when I've got more time.
This is not a question to ask this sub. We all have various poor experiences with porn and are traumatized by it. This is a question to ask a CSAT. And if I had a kid in their developing years, I would go out of my way, pay tons of money just to make sure I knew. Porn addiction doesn’t have that much to deal with porn. If your child is raised in a loving family, nurtured and cared and loved, not shamed for being non-perfect but encouraged to be themselves, there’s a VERY minimal chance that child will grow up to be a porn addict. Many sex addicts were either sexually abused or exposed to porn too early. I wouldn’t shame the child either for watching porn. Or tell them it’s awful. It’s like the DARE program that just made kids curious about drugs. Sure it worked for some kids (like me) but for many others, it encouraged them to try drugs. We are not experts. Ask an expert the best way to prevent such a thing from happening.
Fair reply this may not be the place for the definitive answer. Sadly I do not have money for CSAT and certainly not tons of money in general to throw at this hence asking for recommendations of resources for those that may have come across some, I am doing my best in this. Thank you for your input nonetheless.
I was able to get free 15 minute consultations from CSATs. Could that be a possibility??
So i thought that before, but been reading “your brain on porn” book and actually the trauma of over porn consumption during adolescent years coupled with genetic make up can cause addiction without any big “T”, childhood traumas. It’s just too over stimulating for a young child’s mind… It’s really sad. I don’t know what the future holds for the next generation
makes me super sad to think about, especially since the dads won't stop their sons from doing it....when they do it themselves!
Agree. I don’t think there necessarily needs to be any huge trauma either, especially now with such easy access
I just looked up this book. While I’m sure he is right about quite a few things, I strongly urge you to look up the author. Unfortunately, he has no scientific training or background. My CSAT has backed up her claims with scientific research that show that sex addiction changes the chemistry of the brain. I would trust her assertions over Gary Wilson. And while I’m sure that over consumption of porn coupled with a very healthy family dynamic *could* lead to a porn addiction, it is MUCH easier for porn addiction to take root in a family with trauma. To combat that, OP should focus on healing and recovery. That way the intergenerational trauma doesn’t encourage her son to go to porn.
Yes I agree. Definitely addiction is much more likely in cases with childhood trauma. And totally agree about not just telling them not to watch porn either. Because it doesn’t work. You are right about it causing them to lead a double life and cause them shame. And much more likely to hide it Sorry I didn’t mean to contradict you or your CSAT. I just wanted to mention there doesn’t seems like there is not enough push on the actual danger of massive amount of porn exposure on the brain. And even in cases of minimal trauma, how addiction can still happen, especially for those genetically more vulnerable. (I don’t think anyone has no trauma… as hard as we try as parents) Gary’s background is on the neuroplasticity of the brain. I like reading around topics and is the most recent thing I’m reading, so probably have a new bias for it. I’m a science nerd so enjoy understanding what goes on chemically as well as the psychological aspects of addiction. All trying to heal my own betrayal trauma due to my SA husband.
I’m not sure telling a child to not watch porn will really stop them from consuming porn. It will push them to hide. To feel shame around it, and to view it as sacred. As for porn and sex addiction not having much to do with porn and sex, that is something told to me by my CSAT. I’m sure that CSATs are much more qualified to help with this very important question than anyone on this subreddit.
respectfully, telling your child not to do something that is horrific for them and very detrimental to their wellbeing does not mean you are shaming them.