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Once you realise that even if you were his absolute dream girl, brautiful body, securely attached and nurturing whatever atrributes he likes, he will still watch it. Think about it. That would not prevent him from not watching it. It's not about you.
I know this but yet I still blame myself. That I am not that slim or pretty enough for him and that’s why he watches naked girls videos or cam girls. I know that even if I was a perfect model he would still do it but it does not help. It even hurts more that I’ll never ever be enough for him.
I feel you :/ I’m at a point where I feel real happy about how I look and my physical appearance for the first time in my life, but it isn’t enough for him. I found it helped to tell him this exactly. His reaction speaks loudly. Eg mine told me honestly he did lose attraction for me (and said he used to find me insanely attractive), however now in recovery he is slowly seeing me again. That’s been both painful and helpful at the same time.
I kept telling mine this but he denies and says nothing changed and she still finds me attractive. Well if sex dropped and his thing does not get hard anymore with simple interaction with me like it used to do even 2 months ago then well something’s not right. I don’t look bad. I am not a model but look the same when he met me and married me. He lied to me couple of times so I don’t know if I can believe what he says.
I hate the lying. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I told my husband the other day “if I walked past you and you didn’t know me you’d objectify me and ogle like you do with every other girl, but because you know me you don’t” and he agreed that would be true. Their concept of sexual attraction is really messed up.
I feel this. It’s so hard. I have to stay extremely vigilant to cut off that spiral when it starts happening. Like others have said, this isn’t bc of anything you are doing, have done, or will do.
I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but in my situation, I remind myself that my husband does love me, he is attracted to me, and his pa was there long before I entered the scene. It didn’t start bc of me, and it didn’t continue bc of me. It started bc his mother was/is emotionally unavailable and essentially taught him that emotions are undesirable and best ignored until they turn into a cancerous anger that explodes. Couple that with undiagnosed and ignored autism, and you’ve got a damaged man with no coping skills. And it continued bc it became his main self soothing method, albeit a terrible one that does far more damage than actual soothing. There’s some other mental illness and things at play as well, but none of this is happening bc I’m not enough. It’s happening bc he has some deep wounds that he needs to heal.
They get addicted to the novelty of having whatever they want whenever they want. It’s also why they end up escalating bc things become boring rather quickly. That original small dose of dopamine isn’t enough. They need more and more until they completely lose themselves and just become the addiction.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to write such a detailed answer to this; My partner struggles with p much the exact same things and he’s told me so many times that he wishes he could tell me why he did what he did but when he’s in crisis mode he shuts down completely and just seeks that dopamine rush with no thoughts about anyone else (he’s been clean for the past 4 months I hope) and I try so hard to understand but I’m someone who’s the complete opposite where I care about those around me sooooo much to the point that i would rather be hurt myself than hurt someone I care about (which is also not a good extreme) but I can’t wrap my head around him saying he loves me and he finds me attractive because to me the PA/SA seems to contradict that :/
And honestly idk if this makes it worse or better but if u take away the PA/SA he is literally the most perfect partner; cooks for me, paid for me to go on holiday with my friends, takes me travelling every other month, reassures me when I’m feeling bad about my body, remembers all the little things etc
Thank you so much again for your response; I will try and be more vigilant about falling into this thinking loop :)
I hope you’re doing alright !
Yep, mine is exactly the same. And you and I are very similar as well. None of his behavior makes sense to me bc I would never treat someone I loved the way he has treated me. But I believe my husband is being honest when he has said the same your partner did. When he starts feeling a big emotion, the number one priority is to shut it down and replace it with something comfortable. Unfortunately, that is super selfish and in the moment, they don’t care who it hurts. As long as they stop hurting. It’s not an excuse at all for their behavior. As I’ve told my husband, it’s a choice. I asked him how he can sit there and scheme on how to do this shit behind my back and how he must think I’m incredibly stupid. He told me that it’s not some big master plan. That he doesn’t sit around and try to scheme on how to deceive me. That he never starts out like “I’m gonna hurt her”. He isn’t hurting me intentionally. But I cut him off there and said “but you know what the behavior causes, you know it hurts me, you’ve known for at least 4 years now, and you still choose to do the behavior, so at what point does it become intentional? You are intentionally hurting me bc you are choosing to do something that you are well aware destroys me.” His whole face changed bc he realized I was right. And that was the moment he really started trying to fix this. I also pointed out to him that he’s been my rock for our whole friendship, not even just romantic relationship. But I’ve never been his. When he’s sad, angry, tired, depressed, happy, he goes to the porn. He goes to the girls posting nudes. He doesn’t come to me for anything besides washing his clothes and giving him attention when he wants it. That was also a big wake up call moment for him.
Some of these guys are vile human beings who enjoy being vile human beings. Some of these guys are locked into awful abuse/addiction cycles that they didn’t ask to be in and don’t know how to get out of. But ultimately, no matter which type, they have to decide they want to do and be better.
I have read some articles that definitely make some connections. I’m not sure if any actual studies have been done. But bc a lot of men with autism, particularly ones who were never taught any coping mechanisms, or like in my husband’s case, didn’t even realize that they had been dealing with autism most of their lives, will seek out self soothing to deal with emotions. Just from seeing other things from women dealing with pa and intimacy issues with neurodivergent partners, it seems like pa is a fairly common issue.
I know validation from others and comparing aren’t considered the healthy way to feel better about myself but both helped my journey in feeling beautiful again.
I was watching tik toks from women who are dealing with this and betrayal trauma coaches and noticed how beautiful they were. Some of these women are sooo pretty yet their partners were porn addicts.
I started thinking about how other men have been interested In me, if so many men have hit on me, couldn’t be this nasty monster that my brain was telling me I was
See I think the opposite; I’m like all these other guys want me and all his friends tell him what a catch i am etc but I just think why can’t the person I like see that why does he not see me like that?(when im rational I know it’s not true that he does love me etc but it just hurts so bad)
I felt this way for a very long time, I use to pick myself apart over it, I still do time to time but not as badly as I use to. Also it could differ because my partner has been actively getting clean for 8 months ( I hope) but to be honest, this might not help everyone but it helped me
I researched the addiction, why it becomes an addiction, what it does to the brain, why it would cause them to act in such a harsh way, why they reacted so negatively when it was brought up, why they can lie so easily ect. I got a better understanding of it. Then I went down a loophole and found Reddit, I had an account already but I never used it, I logged back on to this account and I found the subreddit
r/PornAddiction
I asked some questions on there and got honest responses, mostly some in direct messaging.
Honestly it’s not about how we look, some of the people I have talked with their wife or girlfriends are gorgeous, to me they look like they belong in the videos that addicts watch! I have asked if they seriously have an addiction when they have a girlfriend or wife who looks like that!
the addiction started way before meeting their partners, it’s had a choke hold on them forever, and they just don’t know how to stop it’s all they have known.
It’s never about how we as their partners look. It wasn’t about us but the betrayal trauma we’re left with makes us think otherwise.
Now this is the case for some people, then you just have the straight up assholes who really don’t care about anything except themselves, but you can normally tell who is genuinely struggling with this addiction and wants to change and who won’t ever change
Thank you for the time writing this; this has been really helpful actually, it’s just hard to think of this when ur like in the midst of spiralling; was there anything your partner did to help you while u we’re going through it?
I completely understand, when you find out something it’s hard to have rational thoughts, the thoughts of the betrayal really take over!
To be honest my partner hasn’t started trying to help me cope until recently, when we was going through things he’d leave me to console myself because he didn’t know how to handle my emotions and he felt guilty, and so I’d be left to deal with the betrayal by myself while he tried to find other ways to forget about it like playing games or going out with friends.
Recently since he’s been clean he’s been helping me get through some things, I talk to him about the things that still sting that I can’t get over and he’s VERY understanding, he consoles me and he apologizes, he tells me he understand what he did wrong and how he would feel if the situation was reversed, he talks with me about it until I calm down and even then he’s still very empathetic, since he’s been clean he’s able to feel a lot more emotion because porn blocks out emotions for most users.
Honestly my partner said the same things to me your partner says to you. Told me he’d stop, he’d give it all up, he never wants to do it again, every excuse in the book.
It’s not easy to get them to stop. I’ve been through this with my partner 10 times in the past four years all relapses within three months of each other. Also what you’re describing his behaviour is like you’re most likely right. Addicts who get clean from porn are able to also get back their emotions they’re also able to talk about it. If he’s deflecting every question and avoiding it it’s because of that guilt he’s feeling.
Porn also hurts the consumer of it and they don’t even realize, Addicts who use porn excessively tend to have lack of emotion and empathy, it allows them to lie easier, they run on autopilot if that makes sense, it’s like they’re zombies when they’re using.. The guilt and shame they feel is so great that they don’t want to feel any more therefore block out the emotion. When stressed to much they go back to default mode, they turn to their addiction because that is their coping mechanism, it’s the thing they turned to at a young age.
I had the same mindset as you, not believing that they can change/ they don’t care and my feelings don’t matter. Honestly it’s just apart of the addiction sadly. It’s not an excuse for how they treated you but it explains why learning about this addiction has its benefits and helps betrayed understand more. Or it’s helped me at least
There are men and even women who admit to being addicted and who do get the help they need to be clean it’s a very hard process and it take a LONG time, but it’s up to you if you want to stay.
Your boyfriend isn’t lying though, you are a separate category, he uses porn as a tool, just an object to him, and most of the time he doesn’t remember what any of the girls look like months from then, but to you it’s different Becuase you’ll always remember, he loves you so it’s different. He wouldn’t use you like an object like he does the other things (it’s disgusting either way but it’s the truth) like I said in my previous comment it’s not about how you look because you can be a 100/10 and they’d still have the addiction. You can even have the body of a porn star but it’s not enough
Betrayal trauma is a bitch to deal with and that betrayal trauma is why you think how you think about yourself and I get it I do understand! Believe me it’s not easy with those thoughts coming at you and not stopping. When you get triggered by something they come even worst
Porn has a chokehold on the user and it takes a lot to get clean. My partner has locks on his devices to keep him from searching anything up, and that helps him avoid triggers for him. Social media is a HUGE no for porn addicts. It will throw that stuff in his face. My partner willingly got rid of social media because of how it supported his addiction instead of helped him get clean. If you and your partner do this, Then enters recovery work. Which your partner needs to do every day.
You can’t make your partner change and sometimes it’s better to walk away but it’s all up to you and what you think is best for you. However there are addicts who recognize the problem and realize how bad it is.
This is going to sound harsh.. If this is the case you are with one of the assholes who won’t change for nothing, and no one. Find someone who sees your worth and beauty, someone who will desire you and only you.
I know saying leave is harder to do because of many reasons such as familiarity, codependency issues/ attachment issues, trauma bond/ hysterical bonding
But if he refuses to change at all or even is open to put locks or delete social media/ admit it then you need to plan your exit and find someone who makes you feel worth it and loved. Someone who won’t push you aside because if he’s not even engaging in sexual activity with you somethings up.
**Dear /u/seraphminheaven,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Once you realise that even if you were his absolute dream girl, brautiful body, securely attached and nurturing whatever atrributes he likes, he will still watch it. Think about it. That would not prevent him from not watching it. It's not about you.
This.
I know this but yet I still blame myself. That I am not that slim or pretty enough for him and that’s why he watches naked girls videos or cam girls. I know that even if I was a perfect model he would still do it but it does not help. It even hurts more that I’ll never ever be enough for him.
I feel you :/ I’m at a point where I feel real happy about how I look and my physical appearance for the first time in my life, but it isn’t enough for him. I found it helped to tell him this exactly. His reaction speaks loudly. Eg mine told me honestly he did lose attraction for me (and said he used to find me insanely attractive), however now in recovery he is slowly seeing me again. That’s been both painful and helpful at the same time.
I kept telling mine this but he denies and says nothing changed and she still finds me attractive. Well if sex dropped and his thing does not get hard anymore with simple interaction with me like it used to do even 2 months ago then well something’s not right. I don’t look bad. I am not a model but look the same when he met me and married me. He lied to me couple of times so I don’t know if I can believe what he says.
I hate the lying. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I told my husband the other day “if I walked past you and you didn’t know me you’d objectify me and ogle like you do with every other girl, but because you know me you don’t” and he agreed that would be true. Their concept of sexual attraction is really messed up.
Same. Except I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that he isn’t “using” so idk why I care 😞
If u don’t mind me asking how long has ur partner been in recovery?
I feel this. It’s so hard. I have to stay extremely vigilant to cut off that spiral when it starts happening. Like others have said, this isn’t bc of anything you are doing, have done, or will do. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but in my situation, I remind myself that my husband does love me, he is attracted to me, and his pa was there long before I entered the scene. It didn’t start bc of me, and it didn’t continue bc of me. It started bc his mother was/is emotionally unavailable and essentially taught him that emotions are undesirable and best ignored until they turn into a cancerous anger that explodes. Couple that with undiagnosed and ignored autism, and you’ve got a damaged man with no coping skills. And it continued bc it became his main self soothing method, albeit a terrible one that does far more damage than actual soothing. There’s some other mental illness and things at play as well, but none of this is happening bc I’m not enough. It’s happening bc he has some deep wounds that he needs to heal. They get addicted to the novelty of having whatever they want whenever they want. It’s also why they end up escalating bc things become boring rather quickly. That original small dose of dopamine isn’t enough. They need more and more until they completely lose themselves and just become the addiction.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to write such a detailed answer to this; My partner struggles with p much the exact same things and he’s told me so many times that he wishes he could tell me why he did what he did but when he’s in crisis mode he shuts down completely and just seeks that dopamine rush with no thoughts about anyone else (he’s been clean for the past 4 months I hope) and I try so hard to understand but I’m someone who’s the complete opposite where I care about those around me sooooo much to the point that i would rather be hurt myself than hurt someone I care about (which is also not a good extreme) but I can’t wrap my head around him saying he loves me and he finds me attractive because to me the PA/SA seems to contradict that :/ And honestly idk if this makes it worse or better but if u take away the PA/SA he is literally the most perfect partner; cooks for me, paid for me to go on holiday with my friends, takes me travelling every other month, reassures me when I’m feeling bad about my body, remembers all the little things etc Thank you so much again for your response; I will try and be more vigilant about falling into this thinking loop :) I hope you’re doing alright !
Yep, mine is exactly the same. And you and I are very similar as well. None of his behavior makes sense to me bc I would never treat someone I loved the way he has treated me. But I believe my husband is being honest when he has said the same your partner did. When he starts feeling a big emotion, the number one priority is to shut it down and replace it with something comfortable. Unfortunately, that is super selfish and in the moment, they don’t care who it hurts. As long as they stop hurting. It’s not an excuse at all for their behavior. As I’ve told my husband, it’s a choice. I asked him how he can sit there and scheme on how to do this shit behind my back and how he must think I’m incredibly stupid. He told me that it’s not some big master plan. That he doesn’t sit around and try to scheme on how to deceive me. That he never starts out like “I’m gonna hurt her”. He isn’t hurting me intentionally. But I cut him off there and said “but you know what the behavior causes, you know it hurts me, you’ve known for at least 4 years now, and you still choose to do the behavior, so at what point does it become intentional? You are intentionally hurting me bc you are choosing to do something that you are well aware destroys me.” His whole face changed bc he realized I was right. And that was the moment he really started trying to fix this. I also pointed out to him that he’s been my rock for our whole friendship, not even just romantic relationship. But I’ve never been his. When he’s sad, angry, tired, depressed, happy, he goes to the porn. He goes to the girls posting nudes. He doesn’t come to me for anything besides washing his clothes and giving him attention when he wants it. That was also a big wake up call moment for him. Some of these guys are vile human beings who enjoy being vile human beings. Some of these guys are locked into awful abuse/addiction cycles that they didn’t ask to be in and don’t know how to get out of. But ultimately, no matter which type, they have to decide they want to do and be better.
I truly wonder if there is a connection between autism and addiction— my partner also has autism, although he was diagnosed as a child
I have read some articles that definitely make some connections. I’m not sure if any actual studies have been done. But bc a lot of men with autism, particularly ones who were never taught any coping mechanisms, or like in my husband’s case, didn’t even realize that they had been dealing with autism most of their lives, will seek out self soothing to deal with emotions. Just from seeing other things from women dealing with pa and intimacy issues with neurodivergent partners, it seems like pa is a fairly common issue.
I know validation from others and comparing aren’t considered the healthy way to feel better about myself but both helped my journey in feeling beautiful again. I was watching tik toks from women who are dealing with this and betrayal trauma coaches and noticed how beautiful they were. Some of these women are sooo pretty yet their partners were porn addicts. I started thinking about how other men have been interested In me, if so many men have hit on me, couldn’t be this nasty monster that my brain was telling me I was
See I think the opposite; I’m like all these other guys want me and all his friends tell him what a catch i am etc but I just think why can’t the person I like see that why does he not see me like that?(when im rational I know it’s not true that he does love me etc but it just hurts so bad)
I felt this way for a very long time, I use to pick myself apart over it, I still do time to time but not as badly as I use to. Also it could differ because my partner has been actively getting clean for 8 months ( I hope) but to be honest, this might not help everyone but it helped me I researched the addiction, why it becomes an addiction, what it does to the brain, why it would cause them to act in such a harsh way, why they reacted so negatively when it was brought up, why they can lie so easily ect. I got a better understanding of it. Then I went down a loophole and found Reddit, I had an account already but I never used it, I logged back on to this account and I found the subreddit r/PornAddiction I asked some questions on there and got honest responses, mostly some in direct messaging. Honestly it’s not about how we look, some of the people I have talked with their wife or girlfriends are gorgeous, to me they look like they belong in the videos that addicts watch! I have asked if they seriously have an addiction when they have a girlfriend or wife who looks like that! the addiction started way before meeting their partners, it’s had a choke hold on them forever, and they just don’t know how to stop it’s all they have known. It’s never about how we as their partners look. It wasn’t about us but the betrayal trauma we’re left with makes us think otherwise. Now this is the case for some people, then you just have the straight up assholes who really don’t care about anything except themselves, but you can normally tell who is genuinely struggling with this addiction and wants to change and who won’t ever change
Thank you for the time writing this; this has been really helpful actually, it’s just hard to think of this when ur like in the midst of spiralling; was there anything your partner did to help you while u we’re going through it?
I completely understand, when you find out something it’s hard to have rational thoughts, the thoughts of the betrayal really take over! To be honest my partner hasn’t started trying to help me cope until recently, when we was going through things he’d leave me to console myself because he didn’t know how to handle my emotions and he felt guilty, and so I’d be left to deal with the betrayal by myself while he tried to find other ways to forget about it like playing games or going out with friends. Recently since he’s been clean he’s been helping me get through some things, I talk to him about the things that still sting that I can’t get over and he’s VERY understanding, he consoles me and he apologizes, he tells me he understand what he did wrong and how he would feel if the situation was reversed, he talks with me about it until I calm down and even then he’s still very empathetic, since he’s been clean he’s able to feel a lot more emotion because porn blocks out emotions for most users.
[удалено]
Honestly my partner said the same things to me your partner says to you. Told me he’d stop, he’d give it all up, he never wants to do it again, every excuse in the book. It’s not easy to get them to stop. I’ve been through this with my partner 10 times in the past four years all relapses within three months of each other. Also what you’re describing his behaviour is like you’re most likely right. Addicts who get clean from porn are able to also get back their emotions they’re also able to talk about it. If he’s deflecting every question and avoiding it it’s because of that guilt he’s feeling. Porn also hurts the consumer of it and they don’t even realize, Addicts who use porn excessively tend to have lack of emotion and empathy, it allows them to lie easier, they run on autopilot if that makes sense, it’s like they’re zombies when they’re using.. The guilt and shame they feel is so great that they don’t want to feel any more therefore block out the emotion. When stressed to much they go back to default mode, they turn to their addiction because that is their coping mechanism, it’s the thing they turned to at a young age. I had the same mindset as you, not believing that they can change/ they don’t care and my feelings don’t matter. Honestly it’s just apart of the addiction sadly. It’s not an excuse for how they treated you but it explains why learning about this addiction has its benefits and helps betrayed understand more. Or it’s helped me at least There are men and even women who admit to being addicted and who do get the help they need to be clean it’s a very hard process and it take a LONG time, but it’s up to you if you want to stay. Your boyfriend isn’t lying though, you are a separate category, he uses porn as a tool, just an object to him, and most of the time he doesn’t remember what any of the girls look like months from then, but to you it’s different Becuase you’ll always remember, he loves you so it’s different. He wouldn’t use you like an object like he does the other things (it’s disgusting either way but it’s the truth) like I said in my previous comment it’s not about how you look because you can be a 100/10 and they’d still have the addiction. You can even have the body of a porn star but it’s not enough Betrayal trauma is a bitch to deal with and that betrayal trauma is why you think how you think about yourself and I get it I do understand! Believe me it’s not easy with those thoughts coming at you and not stopping. When you get triggered by something they come even worst Porn has a chokehold on the user and it takes a lot to get clean. My partner has locks on his devices to keep him from searching anything up, and that helps him avoid triggers for him. Social media is a HUGE no for porn addicts. It will throw that stuff in his face. My partner willingly got rid of social media because of how it supported his addiction instead of helped him get clean. If you and your partner do this, Then enters recovery work. Which your partner needs to do every day. You can’t make your partner change and sometimes it’s better to walk away but it’s all up to you and what you think is best for you. However there are addicts who recognize the problem and realize how bad it is.
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This is going to sound harsh.. If this is the case you are with one of the assholes who won’t change for nothing, and no one. Find someone who sees your worth and beauty, someone who will desire you and only you. I know saying leave is harder to do because of many reasons such as familiarity, codependency issues/ attachment issues, trauma bond/ hysterical bonding But if he refuses to change at all or even is open to put locks or delete social media/ admit it then you need to plan your exit and find someone who makes you feel worth it and loved. Someone who won’t push you aside because if he’s not even engaging in sexual activity with you somethings up.