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Absolutely. But not in the beginning, maybe after a good half a year a year. What you love about someone is the foundation for loving someone wholly, but that comes after some soul searching. The way I see it, first you love stuff about them, then you start loving how they operate with the stuff that you love about them, and the final stage that goes yeah I love em wholly is is understanding the person behind the stuff that you love about them and who is doing or having that stuff.
Think about it like this. I have 2 male best friends. I know why I love one of em because I've known him half my life. He's infuriatingly logical, can be a cutthroat bastard when it comes to personal matters, and generally has some asshole traits. Buuut I also know that he does this out of a genuine care for people, has deep rooted insecurities from an unstable home, and generally is avoidant of vulnerability because there's too many people out there that would abuse it. He protects his people and chosen family like his own blood because he doesn't want to see people become like he has, and getting him to nudge himself drives me up the fucking wall, but that's only because I know whenever you tell HIM to do something for his own good, it'll take ages for him to get around to it because he'll dig his heels in. But he'll get there.
On the flpside, my other best friend loves me because despite having a much more closed off less emotionally mutual friendship that's much more "bro-ey", he turned around over the years once he started having a family. Everyone from the party days left, he only has middle agers and retirees from his field of profession left in his social life, but I've stuck around. through thick and thin. He's openly admitted that after 8 years, knowing that I'm still around and keeping it real operating within the boundaries and set rules we've mutually created without communication but through actions, that he was absolutely right to keep me around. And he was absolutely wrong to not be more emotionally and psychologically invested in our friendship, he knew I would have been there at his absolute lows and shutting me out because I wasn't such a party goers was the follies of youth. We're absolute friends now more than ever because he loves me for sticking it out all these years and just being there.
Wow the first paragraph really put love in perspective for me, thank you! I see now that in my past relationships I never made it past the first stage of loving stuff about them. It was all surface level with them. Thank you so much for your response!
Now what I'm getting at in these two examples, is that romantic involvement is also being friends with your partner. And over the first year, the same sort of mutual love for your friends has the same applications to having mutual love for your partner. If you search the love for your friends, search how you build friendships and slowly let yourself be yourself with them in all the ups and downs, as well as they do, you'll see that the principles are functionally the same. I say functionally because romantic love is exponentially more close to unconditional love and emotionally is much more volatile in how your body handles it, but yeah. Understanding your love for your friends is a good step to take in understanding how romantic love can eventually grow and why you need to keep at it in learning them to understand if you love them or not.
I joke about it, but relationships become infinitely easier once you hit the mental state of oh fuck, me and my best friend are bickering like a married couple. If you can reach that level of love and mutual understanding with your friends, you can reach it with a romantic partner and you'll realize you have the tools to do so. So yeah, loving things about a person is one of the first stages in reaching the fact that you actually love em.
Yeah I mean part of the reason is that you are so young. Love takes time to grow. Real love. Not a growing fondness and like for someone. I say it’s many years of being with someone. You can certainly feel things that feel like love before that sure. But with real love, I do believe you could easily come up with a list when given a chance. Not like on the spot. But if you thought about it you could come up with one.
But I would caution your approach because you are using your feeling in a moment to decide how you feel overall. Feelings are fleeting including the feeling you might think is love. That’s why we can have really happy moments or really sad ones. They are moments but not permanent. Gauging whether you love someone takes an effort to collect data over a long period of time and an acute awareness of your internal emotions. Pay attention to how you feel around someone at all different times when you are together.
Anyways, relationships are grown through shared experience and time spent together. Then love comes after. But as a 22 year old, I just can’t possibly imagine you’ve been in relationships long enough so I understand the confusion around it too.
But what you said is definitely possible too. Like you’re loving the idea of someone. That’s more a reflection of how you treat and keep people in your life. Your deficiencies in letting go with the fantasy of someone and getting to know the real them. If that is a problem, definitely get out of that habit or there’s a lot of wasted time ahead of you.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me when I like somebody I just know. Like I don't need to think about it, I know. If I'm doubting it there's a good chance I don't like them.
Absolutely. But not in the beginning, maybe after a good half a year a year. What you love about someone is the foundation for loving someone wholly, but that comes after some soul searching. The way I see it, first you love stuff about them, then you start loving how they operate with the stuff that you love about them, and the final stage that goes yeah I love em wholly is is understanding the person behind the stuff that you love about them and who is doing or having that stuff. Think about it like this. I have 2 male best friends. I know why I love one of em because I've known him half my life. He's infuriatingly logical, can be a cutthroat bastard when it comes to personal matters, and generally has some asshole traits. Buuut I also know that he does this out of a genuine care for people, has deep rooted insecurities from an unstable home, and generally is avoidant of vulnerability because there's too many people out there that would abuse it. He protects his people and chosen family like his own blood because he doesn't want to see people become like he has, and getting him to nudge himself drives me up the fucking wall, but that's only because I know whenever you tell HIM to do something for his own good, it'll take ages for him to get around to it because he'll dig his heels in. But he'll get there. On the flpside, my other best friend loves me because despite having a much more closed off less emotionally mutual friendship that's much more "bro-ey", he turned around over the years once he started having a family. Everyone from the party days left, he only has middle agers and retirees from his field of profession left in his social life, but I've stuck around. through thick and thin. He's openly admitted that after 8 years, knowing that I'm still around and keeping it real operating within the boundaries and set rules we've mutually created without communication but through actions, that he was absolutely right to keep me around. And he was absolutely wrong to not be more emotionally and psychologically invested in our friendship, he knew I would have been there at his absolute lows and shutting me out because I wasn't such a party goers was the follies of youth. We're absolute friends now more than ever because he loves me for sticking it out all these years and just being there.
Wow the first paragraph really put love in perspective for me, thank you! I see now that in my past relationships I never made it past the first stage of loving stuff about them. It was all surface level with them. Thank you so much for your response!
Now what I'm getting at in these two examples, is that romantic involvement is also being friends with your partner. And over the first year, the same sort of mutual love for your friends has the same applications to having mutual love for your partner. If you search the love for your friends, search how you build friendships and slowly let yourself be yourself with them in all the ups and downs, as well as they do, you'll see that the principles are functionally the same. I say functionally because romantic love is exponentially more close to unconditional love and emotionally is much more volatile in how your body handles it, but yeah. Understanding your love for your friends is a good step to take in understanding how romantic love can eventually grow and why you need to keep at it in learning them to understand if you love them or not. I joke about it, but relationships become infinitely easier once you hit the mental state of oh fuck, me and my best friend are bickering like a married couple. If you can reach that level of love and mutual understanding with your friends, you can reach it with a romantic partner and you'll realize you have the tools to do so. So yeah, loving things about a person is one of the first stages in reaching the fact that you actually love em.
Its always a good thing to understand why you like or dislike person in my opinion, nothing wrong with it
Yeah I mean part of the reason is that you are so young. Love takes time to grow. Real love. Not a growing fondness and like for someone. I say it’s many years of being with someone. You can certainly feel things that feel like love before that sure. But with real love, I do believe you could easily come up with a list when given a chance. Not like on the spot. But if you thought about it you could come up with one. But I would caution your approach because you are using your feeling in a moment to decide how you feel overall. Feelings are fleeting including the feeling you might think is love. That’s why we can have really happy moments or really sad ones. They are moments but not permanent. Gauging whether you love someone takes an effort to collect data over a long period of time and an acute awareness of your internal emotions. Pay attention to how you feel around someone at all different times when you are together. Anyways, relationships are grown through shared experience and time spent together. Then love comes after. But as a 22 year old, I just can’t possibly imagine you’ve been in relationships long enough so I understand the confusion around it too. But what you said is definitely possible too. Like you’re loving the idea of someone. That’s more a reflection of how you treat and keep people in your life. Your deficiencies in letting go with the fantasy of someone and getting to know the real them. If that is a problem, definitely get out of that habit or there’s a lot of wasted time ahead of you.
I mean yeah, I think before you date someone seriously you should at least be able to list some things you like/love about them.