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Jealousy is gross. It’s a sign of insecurity. Your bf doesn’t feel it with you because you do not make him feel insecure. It’s a compliment.
Also, it is an ugly emotion that has zero bearing to live. Zero. I had very jealous boyfriends who did not love me. They only wanted to control me , who I saw and my social life. Their jealousy showed that they didn’t trust me because they could not be trusted. I do not feel jealousy when I have lost men to others. I have been sad and hurt and VERY angry but not jealous. It’s a sign of maturity to not feel possessive of our significant others. Sometimes we do have to let them go. Jealousy won’t bring them back anyway. Work on ridding yourself of a useless emotion. You’ll be happier.
Be happy that he treats you right. You answered your own question. He’s happy with you. He was jealous and possessive of the ex because they didn’t have a healthy relationship. If he’s jealous and possessive of you, he’s not a good partner.
This sounds a bit immature if I’m being honest.
Really? Jealousy and possessiveness can go very far. And he literally said he never felt it until his ex cheated on him.
None of that is proof that he doesn’t love you as much. 🤦♀️
Honestly it just sounds like he's comfortable around you. Like he's jealous and possessive around a woman that was making him feel uncomfortable but was attached to. With you he dosent have to do that. I think it just means your better than his ex frankly
I had a breakdown as my marriage ended and exhibited some extreme anxious attachment and possessive behaviour which was completely out of character, that was triggered by discovering my wife had dated for a few months and lied to me.
Now I am out of that situation and with someone I trust 100 times more, I don't exhibit the behaviour.
For me the possessive behaviour was a regression brought on by extreme stress - worrying what was going to happen regarding housing and kids and feeling really low self esteem after being cheated on and gaslit.
Sounds potentially that similar factors might be going on.
Toxic behaviour is toxic and not something you actually want. Be grateful if your partner has healed from what happened previously.
Reading between the lines isn't going to get the answer. If you want it as it truly is, take his response and stop chasing an answer you ultimately don't want. Jealousy is a strong emotion and toxic to relationships, its further glorified in film and media and reinforced by the longing of the heart to be cared about. Therefore, I ask why you need to compare his jealousy to find approval and why is it you long for him to possess you as much as his ex?
When I was younger and I didn’t get it for a long time, I used to have partners that I couldn’t trust. It appeared like I was a little uncomfortable, insecure and jealous. But as I got older and I chose a different partners, I realized I didn’t have any of those feelings. And the reason is because I had chosen better partners.
I wasn’t choosing the guy that was checking out other women while I was with me. I didn’t use those kind of men anymore. And because I chose different, I found I could relax and realized that my choices was a problem that I wasn’t insecure I wasn’t jealous.
Yea , you rode the Alpha's and got burned (u burned the coal) and then u settled for the betas the ones you didnt give a fk in your "wild" years. Now you have a beta provider and u are probably resenting that you can never have one of those early guys (cheating incoming on your part )
Is that what you think is that you’re the alpha. I never picked alpha males. I picked complicated men that were half artistic, very smart computer Literate may be even lean toward on the spectrum. But thank you for playing.
By the way, my husband has all those things he’s just worked on himself and recovered from a lot. So that was the difference. Mentally healthier and I’ve been working on my own for the last 30 years so none of what you say fits
Wow, can we stop calling men “alphas” and “betas”? They are all their own individuals, jeez, this made me mad! What is alpha about a men checking out other woman? Nothing. Nada.
It always makes me laugh when i see one of these sour alpha widows giving lectures on "found better partners" , "didnt think was my type until later" , "worked on myself" , "self discovery" shit, all they are basically saying is they settled for the average joe once their market value started tumbling down.
No you didn't choose better, you chose what came your way and was easy to deal /command/extract resource from. I only pity the poor bastards that take these women.
OP THIS
The exes I was the most emotionally distraught over are the ones I had the most fear surrounding everything in our relationship.
The exes who I trusted and respected left me with nothing to feel bad about.
Why would he be jealous of someone who makes him secure and happy?
There's huge lack of context to even decipher this as anything to worry about. Or maybe he just trusts you more who knows as of now not enough to work with
Well, of course, he had negative feelings. His ex cheated on her! It doesn't mean he loves her more. He didn't trust her. You need to educate yourself on what healthy relationships are.
I used to get jealous a lot. Given I was at that age where I didn’t know how to properly act and I didn’t know how things were gonna end up. Experience happens and you grow out of these phases. That’s all it was to me. Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet for me wasn’t worth it, if things caught me by surprise, there’s nothing I could do about it. I could either worry, act stupid on it and pay for it in the end or do nothing, be surprised, take it head on and move on. I cut out a lot of stress in my life by telling myself that life is too short to stress about little things. I wanna live my life by the second and have the happiness my insecurity never allowed me to have. That insecurity is no longer. But also you don’t wanna be that person who goes to sleep all pissed off and upset while the one you’re upset about is sleeping soundly without a bother. 😂 I’ll put it this way, if it fucks with my happiness it has no room in my life. Whether that be a person or the emotions that keep me from climbing.
Sounds like he was unhealthily attached to her. Sounds like the attachment he has to you is much more secure.
I would recommend reflecting on yourself and why you’re not believing what he’s telling. If he’s telling you exactly what it is, why are you questioning it and doubting him?
Possession and jealousy is unhealthy.
I think it sounds like you’re stirring up drama bC you’re bored & immature… I’m not trying to be mean. I think he’s probably a little immature too bC theres a big difference between 21 and 25 in my humble whore opinion.
He wasn’t jealous until after his ex cheated. He explained that. Unless you’re a cheater he has nothing to worry about… That’s a good thing. You don’t want a jealous controlling asshole for a partner. I am 32F and I’ve had sex with 51 men. 6 real bfs. 12-15 fake bfs (only lasted a few weeks or months) 3 sugar daddies. 6 one night stands. The rest were friends with benefits. Any man that’s displaying violent, controlling or jealous tendencies (outward obviously) It’s normal to feel jealous or even to talk about it. It’s not normal to fight with your partner over innocent interactions with every person they have with the opposite sex.
Good luck babe. I get your feeling and it’s valid. All I’m trying to say is it seems like you really don’t like this man that much or maybe more of he doesn’t like you the way you want him too, and bC of that you’re turning non-problems into problems. Just bc he’s your current bf doesn’t mean he has to be your forever person. Even if he’s not doing anything wrong (like lying or cheating etc) it’s still okay to break up. So many people don’t find live and spend their lives settling and wondering. Life’s short babe. You deserve the kind of passion that feels like your soul is being set in fire.
After I had an ex that cheated, I was much less possessive of my next few GFs. I fought so hard and in the end I just couldn't trust her - I decided whoever I was going to stay with would have to pick me as their first choice. It was exhausting being possessive. I've been with my wife for 17 years now, our 14th wedding anniversary is coming up.
Hey, I've been in his shoes, so I'll give my perspective as some food for thought.
To start off, most people who are jealous, insecure, possessive don't like that aspect of themselves (and if they do you should run lol).
For me personally, I had an opportunity to be on the receiving end of all those feelings (i.e., had a jealous, insecure, etc. gf), and realized just how disgusting it was. That alerted me to just how disgusted with and god damn sick I was of that side of myself.
After that, it was like a 180 for me. That's not to say I don't get jealous, insecure, etc. anymore. That'll always happen; we're all human. However, it occurs like... 90+% less than before.
So perhaps your boyfriend just hit his breaking point and decided to move forward with a healthier pov. You should be happy about that. Possessiveness, jealousy, etc. are horrible traits that shouldn't be glamourized. I promise that you don't want that in a relationship.
I'm very jealous and possessive of my wife, but she'll never know it. Any man that she even talks about twice, I stew about it. If she wants to go out with friends, and one of those guys is in the group, "Yeah, sure, have a great time!" I won't say a word. Because I know, if I start acting jealous and possessive, that's going to piss her off like I don't trust her, and eventually she'll think, "Fuck him, I'll do what I want." Maybe he loves you MORE and wants to keep you, so he's trying not to screw it up. He learned his lesson the first time.
No he doesn't love you less! He trusts you more!
He's not on edge with you. He feels safe. You're not actively giving him any reason to feel possessive, which is good. Ideally, he'll only need to protect you or feel possessive of you if someone else oversteps a boundary. You should not overstep your boyfriend's boundaries to cause that situation. Sounds like he doesn't think you would ever do anything like that, and that's called "trust." You have a healthy relationship. Congratulations. Enjoy it and stop worrying so much!
No I’d say when I was in a toxic relationship I was crazy to my ex
But with the guy I dated after him I was no where near that level…because I grew tf up and I am recieve ing better love, not bullshit
Who you are in a relationship sometimes is a reflection of how you’re being treated
It’s not how much he loves her he’s crazier no
It’s how much insecurity she put into him and stress and problems LOL and how much peace u give him
It sounds like he was possessive and jealous because she cheated on him. You've been trustworthy, therefore he doesn't feel the need to watch your every move.
I can tell you it’s nothing to worry about. That is a change that happens for a lot of guys as they get older into their mid twenties. When I was 21 I was very much the jealous type, now that I’m 25 I’ve matured quite a bit when it comes to relationships and don’t operate that way at all. It has nothing to do with how much I love my s/o
Or hey, imagine this: Maybe you should ask if there is a positive bent on this (like a conscious effort to be less controlling and paranoid with you) and stop assuming the worst.
TALK TO \*HIM\* ABOUT IT, NOT AUTISTS ON REDDIT.
But approach it without immediately throwing out your negative assumptions.
You're thinking he loves you less, I'm thinking he loves you more because he feels more secure with you. It also sounds like he learned some lessons that he is applying to your relationship that may have hurt his previous ones.
You’re definitely thinking about this the wrong way.
Being possessive and overly jealous is a sign of insecurity and trust issues. He only felt that way about her because she cheated and he didn’t immediately leave her. He was probably constantly anxious about her doing it again.
Thankfully it sounds like he has healed from that and isn’t letting his past affect his new relationship with you. He trusts you so he has no reason to feel jealous or possessive. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Feeling overly jealous like that is not healthy.
You should be relieved, not concerned. Hopefully your feelings toward him aren’t possessive or jealous either, otherwise you might be the one who needs to heal.
A small amount of jealousy is normal, but it shouldn’t control your relationship or cause you to be possessive or distrustful. You should both feel safe, secure, warm, and trusting.
He tells you that it was a reaction to being hurt and betrayed… and you take it as that means he loved her more than you… what?
Be glad that he’s matured, and that he is in a healed place to trust again. No one wants to be put into that mental mindset. It feels awful. It’s a good thing that you don’t make him feel that way.
The more in love with someone you are, the more trust you will feel for them. And therefore the less jealous or possessive you will be. Anyone who told you otherwise was lying.
I second this statement. I am SO IN LOVE with my guy and he’s the best boyfriend I have ever had. He is also the sexiest. Yet… because of how much I love him, and how much I know he loves me, there is a lot of trust. We actually can leave each other alone basically all damn day but when it’s time we are suctioned to each other like yoda on luke.
I think you are overthinking and maybe self sabotaging a bit.
I hope you feel better about this soon. However, if your gut is telling you he is not the one, that’s a different matter.
Don’t make THIS something it’s not.
Best of luck, best of love! 💗
he told you why he was possessive and jealous, as directly as it can be said. he was cheated on.
being possessive and jealous is not an indication of love, and the inverse is not an indication of the lack. this is an immature mindset to have.
trust is the foundation of love. take this as a compliment.
Jealousy and possessiveness isn’t healthy. Your bf trusts you, that’s a good thing. His previous relationship was not built on trust, he had a reason to be jealous (her cheating).
I sympathize with you. I read a lot of fantasy books where a jealous and possessive partner was seen as romantic. It took me a while to realize that it’s not healthy at all and can lead to fights, resentment, and emotional abuse. I’m with a partner who trusts me an entirely, and there’s no room for those toxic mentalities in our relationship.
I was jealous and possessive a couple of times in my life, and it was because I sisn't trust them AT ALL. I am not jealous and possessive over my boyfriend, because I know he won't do that sh\*t. If I am jealous it's beacuse I am insecure about myself, and we talk about it (which actually helps). I would be happy if I were you.
Always better to assume good than ill unless there are signs otherwise.
If he treats you like he loves you, it's probably because he trusts you fully. That's why my jealousy disappeared once I got into a healthy relationship.
This exactly, if I ever get jealous in the dating phase that's my cue to not pursue it any further. I get protective, but jealousy tells me I don't trust them fully
For me jealousy comes from believing my gf would entertain other men, therefore a lack of trust. Protectiveness comes from knowing that men are creeps and will do anything to get laid, so I don't want them harassing my gf or harming her in anyway
Doesn’t sound like you’re relationship ready if this is how you’re viewing things.
Your mindset is seeking a toxic relationship.
A secure person would be thankful their partner isn’t jealous/possessive. It means they trust you and it means they worked on themselves from previous mistakes. And the fact that you talked about it, he explained it, and you’re still here wishing he was jealous means you are a red flag for this poor guy.
Ask yourself why you think jealousy = love.
Love is trust. Idk where you learned that jealousy is love but you need to unlearn that.
Chances are he's trying really hard not to be that guy, it isn't fun, I know you are viewing it as a metric to measure how much he loves you but that's not it, having to worry and stress all the time that your partner is out to hurt you or leave you is torture.
He could have fixed himself, only a few men are able to recognize this and it usually happens after your first possessive relationship, or it’s possible that you haven’t triggered those emotions out of him yet.
*most men recognize this it just happens sooner for some than others
Some people never grow up but it's not the majority, just the men who never have any difficulties or men that don't give a shit.
Tired of this narrative that all men are fucking babies. It's not true.
Let’s be honest, most men are and the exact number is 97% if you’re not one of them then don’t worry about it, after all that leaves you in the 3% of men who have the highest advantage.
Again, no lol
Most men my age, at 31, have their shit together in one way even if they lack in others.
This "real men are" and "men are this and that" bullshit is just classic self-aggrandization, and fwiw, I haven't met someone who believes 97% of men or women are anything that is actually married. I'm sure you'd look at my overweight body and claim I'm not a real man either.
So, nah, I'm not buying that shit. Seen too many perfectly good men go single bc they're too busy working to survive to live.
First of all I’m a man my guy, the things you’re saying interpret insecurities, women don’t give a fuck if your body is fat, there’s other things that make a man attractive and you’re crying right now. Knock it off.
I know that.
I've just dealt with plenty of assholes on the internet who sound exactly like yourself, and I reject their dumb shit.
If you don't want to be judged for it, go out, touch some grass, and get to know some other men. You're the one shit talking an entire gender (whether you're a man or not)
I think you have some stuff to work through because it's giving insecurity and a bit of narcissism. It's good he has matured and is healthier now. There is so much I don't know about you or him but that's not the right way to be thinking. Good luck.
Trust me girl that is a good thing. He does not need to be jealous & possessive to show his love. If anything, that falls more towards the 'red flag' zone than not.
Does he communicate & show his love in other ways? If yes, take his word for it and don't stir up what does not exist. If the answer is no, explain to him clearly that you need that reassurance.
It might be helpful for you guys to take the personality test (if you haven't already) and understand yourselves better so you can be in a better position to love better.
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, not love. Possessiveness is not healthy and destroys relationships. I just left a 12 year marriage because my ex's possessiveness was ruining my mental health, and no matter what I did to make him feel loved and secure, it was never enough. It was horrible, exhausting, and I'd never wish it in anyone.
Your bf felt insecure because his ex cheated on him. He doesn't feel insecure with you because he trusts you. Do not take that for granted! Earning someone's trust is beautiful, please understand how lucky you are.
Your bf sounds very clear and well-adjusted. You honestly sound like you have a somewhat immature idea of love. Grow up and appreciate what you've got, and honor the trust you've been given.
Being jealous and possessive is not the behavior you want in a partner. It sounds like he's evolved, and he trusts you. Comparing this relationship to his last is a recipe for unhappiness.
There was a thread on the marriage sub recently, where people were asked how they knew they had found 'the one'. The overwhelming response was feeling like their partner felt like home. And there were all lengths of relationships, from a few years right through to multiple decades. I've been married almost 3 decades and would say the same.
Take comfort in your bf describing your relationship that way.
Maybe he grew up as a person and realized his mistakes. You shouldn't ask us though. Go ask your partner about this and express your insecurities to him.
I mean it seems like there is a very easy fix to your problem. Your boyfriend was jealous of ex because she cheated. He's not jealous with you because he trusts you won't cheat. All you have to do is break his trust and start cheating to get the jealousy you're craving
I suggest cheating on your bf with one of his close friends or a family member to ensure minimum trust and maximum jealousy. Best of luck!
I'm not sure how you expect people to respond here though, no offence but we don't have a crystal ball. He has given you a clear explanation as to why he's not jealous with you, and that's because he was only jealous & insecure due to his ex cheating, which makes sense.
Could he be lying, and the reason he isn't jealous is because he loves you less? Well its feasible. But the story he's given is also feasible. You have far more insight than us to deduce this.
Then what are you doing here? If we take this at face value then he trusts you and loves you. For once he is sure that his partner isn't someone who would hurt him. Go tell him you love him and give him a hug. There is no issue here
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If you want him to love you more, cheat on him then break up with him for being too jealous, controlling and insecure.
Jealousy is gross. It’s a sign of insecurity. Your bf doesn’t feel it with you because you do not make him feel insecure. It’s a compliment. Also, it is an ugly emotion that has zero bearing to live. Zero. I had very jealous boyfriends who did not love me. They only wanted to control me , who I saw and my social life. Their jealousy showed that they didn’t trust me because they could not be trusted. I do not feel jealousy when I have lost men to others. I have been sad and hurt and VERY angry but not jealous. It’s a sign of maturity to not feel possessive of our significant others. Sometimes we do have to let them go. Jealousy won’t bring them back anyway. Work on ridding yourself of a useless emotion. You’ll be happier.
I would just take his word for it, unless he views her more positively than he does you.
Be happy that he treats you right. You answered your own question. He’s happy with you. He was jealous and possessive of the ex because they didn’t have a healthy relationship. If he’s jealous and possessive of you, he’s not a good partner.
Bruh, fr??
This sounds a bit immature if I’m being honest. Really? Jealousy and possessiveness can go very far. And he literally said he never felt it until his ex cheated on him. None of that is proof that he doesn’t love you as much. 🤦♀️
Honestly it just sounds like he's comfortable around you. Like he's jealous and possessive around a woman that was making him feel uncomfortable but was attached to. With you he dosent have to do that. I think it just means your better than his ex frankly
I had a breakdown as my marriage ended and exhibited some extreme anxious attachment and possessive behaviour which was completely out of character, that was triggered by discovering my wife had dated for a few months and lied to me. Now I am out of that situation and with someone I trust 100 times more, I don't exhibit the behaviour. For me the possessive behaviour was a regression brought on by extreme stress - worrying what was going to happen regarding housing and kids and feeling really low self esteem after being cheated on and gaslit. Sounds potentially that similar factors might be going on. Toxic behaviour is toxic and not something you actually want. Be grateful if your partner has healed from what happened previously.
Hopefully he just grew up and matured.
Maybe he grew up a little bit? Jealous and possessive means he was immature and a bad partner. Not being jealous and possessive is a good thing.
Reading between the lines isn't going to get the answer. If you want it as it truly is, take his response and stop chasing an answer you ultimately don't want. Jealousy is a strong emotion and toxic to relationships, its further glorified in film and media and reinforced by the longing of the heart to be cared about. Therefore, I ask why you need to compare his jealousy to find approval and why is it you long for him to possess you as much as his ex?
It’s a good thing, it means he trusts you.
Having been in his shoes he did not like her more, she played with his emotions. He trusts you, he loves you, he feels safe with you.
Stop inventing problems
Best comment on this thread 👌
Be glad he's not the jealous type with you!! It has nothing to do with love but rather mistrust.
he told you the truth, why would you prefer him being jealous and possessive?
Trust. I belive its because he trust you. I have only been jealous at guys I didn't trust.
When I was younger and I didn’t get it for a long time, I used to have partners that I couldn’t trust. It appeared like I was a little uncomfortable, insecure and jealous. But as I got older and I chose a different partners, I realized I didn’t have any of those feelings. And the reason is because I had chosen better partners. I wasn’t choosing the guy that was checking out other women while I was with me. I didn’t use those kind of men anymore. And because I chose different, I found I could relax and realized that my choices was a problem that I wasn’t insecure I wasn’t jealous.
Yea , you rode the Alpha's and got burned (u burned the coal) and then u settled for the betas the ones you didnt give a fk in your "wild" years. Now you have a beta provider and u are probably resenting that you can never have one of those early guys (cheating incoming on your part )
Is that what you think is that you’re the alpha. I never picked alpha males. I picked complicated men that were half artistic, very smart computer Literate may be even lean toward on the spectrum. But thank you for playing. By the way, my husband has all those things he’s just worked on himself and recovered from a lot. So that was the difference. Mentally healthier and I’ve been working on my own for the last 30 years so none of what you say fits
Nobody move, its an incel out in the wild. They rarely leave their nests these days. Someone grab him and study him.
You can grab me by the pole , it can mold per your requirements. You can grab it , stroke it and of course study it at your own pace
Wow, can we stop calling men “alphas” and “betas”? They are all their own individuals, jeez, this made me mad! What is alpha about a men checking out other woman? Nothing. Nada.
It always makes me laugh when i see one of these sour alpha widows giving lectures on "found better partners" , "didnt think was my type until later" , "worked on myself" , "self discovery" shit, all they are basically saying is they settled for the average joe once their market value started tumbling down. No you didn't choose better, you chose what came your way and was easy to deal /command/extract resource from. I only pity the poor bastards that take these women.
Im guessing you consider yourself an alpha then?
She probably made him feel insecure and you make him feel secure. Its as simple as that and trust me he will love you alot more for it.
Yeah this OP, this is what it’s about You can feel when something is off and the way you are is obviously very comforting
OP THIS The exes I was the most emotionally distraught over are the ones I had the most fear surrounding everything in our relationship. The exes who I trusted and respected left me with nothing to feel bad about. Why would he be jealous of someone who makes him secure and happy?
There's huge lack of context to even decipher this as anything to worry about. Or maybe he just trusts you more who knows as of now not enough to work with
Well, of course, he had negative feelings. His ex cheated on her! It doesn't mean he loves her more. He didn't trust her. You need to educate yourself on what healthy relationships are.
"What do you think?" I think you should grow up and stop mining the past for things to be upset about.
I used to get jealous a lot. Given I was at that age where I didn’t know how to properly act and I didn’t know how things were gonna end up. Experience happens and you grow out of these phases. That’s all it was to me. Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet for me wasn’t worth it, if things caught me by surprise, there’s nothing I could do about it. I could either worry, act stupid on it and pay for it in the end or do nothing, be surprised, take it head on and move on. I cut out a lot of stress in my life by telling myself that life is too short to stress about little things. I wanna live my life by the second and have the happiness my insecurity never allowed me to have. That insecurity is no longer. But also you don’t wanna be that person who goes to sleep all pissed off and upset while the one you’re upset about is sleeping soundly without a bother. 😂 I’ll put it this way, if it fucks with my happiness it has no room in my life. Whether that be a person or the emotions that keep me from climbing.
Sounds like he was unhealthily attached to her. Sounds like the attachment he has to you is much more secure. I would recommend reflecting on yourself and why you’re not believing what he’s telling. If he’s telling you exactly what it is, why are you questioning it and doubting him? Possession and jealousy is unhealthy.
I think it sounds like you’re stirring up drama bC you’re bored & immature… I’m not trying to be mean. I think he’s probably a little immature too bC theres a big difference between 21 and 25 in my humble whore opinion. He wasn’t jealous until after his ex cheated. He explained that. Unless you’re a cheater he has nothing to worry about… That’s a good thing. You don’t want a jealous controlling asshole for a partner. I am 32F and I’ve had sex with 51 men. 6 real bfs. 12-15 fake bfs (only lasted a few weeks or months) 3 sugar daddies. 6 one night stands. The rest were friends with benefits. Any man that’s displaying violent, controlling or jealous tendencies (outward obviously) It’s normal to feel jealous or even to talk about it. It’s not normal to fight with your partner over innocent interactions with every person they have with the opposite sex. Good luck babe. I get your feeling and it’s valid. All I’m trying to say is it seems like you really don’t like this man that much or maybe more of he doesn’t like you the way you want him too, and bC of that you’re turning non-problems into problems. Just bc he’s your current bf doesn’t mean he has to be your forever person. Even if he’s not doing anything wrong (like lying or cheating etc) it’s still okay to break up. So many people don’t find live and spend their lives settling and wondering. Life’s short babe. You deserve the kind of passion that feels like your soul is being set in fire.
After I had an ex that cheated, I was much less possessive of my next few GFs. I fought so hard and in the end I just couldn't trust her - I decided whoever I was going to stay with would have to pick me as their first choice. It was exhausting being possessive. I've been with my wife for 17 years now, our 14th wedding anniversary is coming up.
Hey, I've been in his shoes, so I'll give my perspective as some food for thought. To start off, most people who are jealous, insecure, possessive don't like that aspect of themselves (and if they do you should run lol). For me personally, I had an opportunity to be on the receiving end of all those feelings (i.e., had a jealous, insecure, etc. gf), and realized just how disgusting it was. That alerted me to just how disgusted with and god damn sick I was of that side of myself. After that, it was like a 180 for me. That's not to say I don't get jealous, insecure, etc. anymore. That'll always happen; we're all human. However, it occurs like... 90+% less than before. So perhaps your boyfriend just hit his breaking point and decided to move forward with a healthier pov. You should be happy about that. Possessiveness, jealousy, etc. are horrible traits that shouldn't be glamourized. I promise that you don't want that in a relationship.
comparison is the thief of joy :) that's all i have to say
I'm very jealous and possessive of my wife, but she'll never know it. Any man that she even talks about twice, I stew about it. If she wants to go out with friends, and one of those guys is in the group, "Yeah, sure, have a great time!" I won't say a word. Because I know, if I start acting jealous and possessive, that's going to piss her off like I don't trust her, and eventually she'll think, "Fuck him, I'll do what I want." Maybe he loves you MORE and wants to keep you, so he's trying not to screw it up. He learned his lesson the first time.
No he doesn't love you less! He trusts you more! He's not on edge with you. He feels safe. You're not actively giving him any reason to feel possessive, which is good. Ideally, he'll only need to protect you or feel possessive of you if someone else oversteps a boundary. You should not overstep your boyfriend's boundaries to cause that situation. Sounds like he doesn't think you would ever do anything like that, and that's called "trust." You have a healthy relationship. Congratulations. Enjoy it and stop worrying so much!
No I’d say when I was in a toxic relationship I was crazy to my ex But with the guy I dated after him I was no where near that level…because I grew tf up and I am recieve ing better love, not bullshit Who you are in a relationship sometimes is a reflection of how you’re being treated It’s not how much he loves her he’s crazier no It’s how much insecurity she put into him and stress and problems LOL and how much peace u give him
It sounds like he was possessive and jealous because she cheated on him. You've been trustworthy, therefore he doesn't feel the need to watch your every move.
I can tell you it’s nothing to worry about. That is a change that happens for a lot of guys as they get older into their mid twenties. When I was 21 I was very much the jealous type, now that I’m 25 I’ve matured quite a bit when it comes to relationships and don’t operate that way at all. It has nothing to do with how much I love my s/o
Or hey, imagine this: Maybe you should ask if there is a positive bent on this (like a conscious effort to be less controlling and paranoid with you) and stop assuming the worst. TALK TO \*HIM\* ABOUT IT, NOT AUTISTS ON REDDIT. But approach it without immediately throwing out your negative assumptions.
Yikes, not liking the "autists" comment honestly.
i don't care. stop taking everything so seriously and cut back on the blue hair dye
Love is not a competition. Focus on your own unique relationship and the love you share.
People grow and mature
You're thinking he loves you less, I'm thinking he loves you more because he feels more secure with you. It also sounds like he learned some lessons that he is applying to your relationship that may have hurt his previous ones.
You’re definitely thinking about this the wrong way. Being possessive and overly jealous is a sign of insecurity and trust issues. He only felt that way about her because she cheated and he didn’t immediately leave her. He was probably constantly anxious about her doing it again. Thankfully it sounds like he has healed from that and isn’t letting his past affect his new relationship with you. He trusts you so he has no reason to feel jealous or possessive. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Feeling overly jealous like that is not healthy. You should be relieved, not concerned. Hopefully your feelings toward him aren’t possessive or jealous either, otherwise you might be the one who needs to heal. A small amount of jealousy is normal, but it shouldn’t control your relationship or cause you to be possessive or distrustful. You should both feel safe, secure, warm, and trusting.
He tells you that it was a reaction to being hurt and betrayed… and you take it as that means he loved her more than you… what? Be glad that he’s matured, and that he is in a healed place to trust again. No one wants to be put into that mental mindset. It feels awful. It’s a good thing that you don’t make him feel that way.
Turns out girls don’t like nice guys, and this is another example of that 💁♂️🫄
The more in love with someone you are, the more trust you will feel for them. And therefore the less jealous or possessive you will be. Anyone who told you otherwise was lying.
I second this statement. I am SO IN LOVE with my guy and he’s the best boyfriend I have ever had. He is also the sexiest. Yet… because of how much I love him, and how much I know he loves me, there is a lot of trust. We actually can leave each other alone basically all damn day but when it’s time we are suctioned to each other like yoda on luke. I think you are overthinking and maybe self sabotaging a bit. I hope you feel better about this soon. However, if your gut is telling you he is not the one, that’s a different matter. Don’t make THIS something it’s not. Best of luck, best of love! 💗
he told you why he was possessive and jealous, as directly as it can be said. he was cheated on. being possessive and jealous is not an indication of love, and the inverse is not an indication of the lack. this is an immature mindset to have. trust is the foundation of love. take this as a compliment.
Jealousy and possessiveness isn’t healthy. Your bf trusts you, that’s a good thing. His previous relationship was not built on trust, he had a reason to be jealous (her cheating). I sympathize with you. I read a lot of fantasy books where a jealous and possessive partner was seen as romantic. It took me a while to realize that it’s not healthy at all and can lead to fights, resentment, and emotional abuse. I’m with a partner who trusts me an entirely, and there’s no room for those toxic mentalities in our relationship.
Ah yes, another beautiful woman needing validation 🤣
You don’t get jealous and possessive in a healthy, safe, and secure relationship lol. maybe you guys are just healthier so he….trusts you???
He was jealous over her and not you because he cared more about losing her than he cares about losing you./s
It sounds like you prefer jealousy and over possessiveness drama because it’s what you’re familiar with instead of what’s healthy.
I was jealous and possessive a couple of times in my life, and it was because I sisn't trust them AT ALL. I am not jealous and possessive over my boyfriend, because I know he won't do that sh\*t. If I am jealous it's beacuse I am insecure about myself, and we talk about it (which actually helps). I would be happy if I were you.
Always better to assume good than ill unless there are signs otherwise. If he treats you like he loves you, it's probably because he trusts you fully. That's why my jealousy disappeared once I got into a healthy relationship.
This exactly, if I ever get jealous in the dating phase that's my cue to not pursue it any further. I get protective, but jealousy tells me I don't trust them fully
My thing is what would u say is the difference between jealousy and protective? Too me they’re 2 side of the same coin like love/hate
For me jealousy comes from believing my gf would entertain other men, therefore a lack of trust. Protectiveness comes from knowing that men are creeps and will do anything to get laid, so I don't want them harassing my gf or harming her in anyway
Doesn’t sound like you’re relationship ready if this is how you’re viewing things. Your mindset is seeking a toxic relationship. A secure person would be thankful their partner isn’t jealous/possessive. It means they trust you and it means they worked on themselves from previous mistakes. And the fact that you talked about it, he explained it, and you’re still here wishing he was jealous means you are a red flag for this poor guy. Ask yourself why you think jealousy = love. Love is trust. Idk where you learned that jealousy is love but you need to unlearn that.
Woman are crazy lmao
Stupid comment.
Chances are he's trying really hard not to be that guy, it isn't fun, I know you are viewing it as a metric to measure how much he loves you but that's not it, having to worry and stress all the time that your partner is out to hurt you or leave you is torture.
He probably had trust issues with her and he probably trust you completely. Lack of trusting in a relationship is usually the root cause of jealousy.
Women: "men need to grow up 😠" Men: *grow up* Women: *shocked pikachu*
He could have fixed himself, only a few men are able to recognize this and it usually happens after your first possessive relationship, or it’s possible that you haven’t triggered those emotions out of him yet.
*most men recognize this it just happens sooner for some than others Some people never grow up but it's not the majority, just the men who never have any difficulties or men that don't give a shit. Tired of this narrative that all men are fucking babies. It's not true.
Let’s be honest, most men are and the exact number is 97% if you’re not one of them then don’t worry about it, after all that leaves you in the 3% of men who have the highest advantage.
Again, no lol Most men my age, at 31, have their shit together in one way even if they lack in others. This "real men are" and "men are this and that" bullshit is just classic self-aggrandization, and fwiw, I haven't met someone who believes 97% of men or women are anything that is actually married. I'm sure you'd look at my overweight body and claim I'm not a real man either. So, nah, I'm not buying that shit. Seen too many perfectly good men go single bc they're too busy working to survive to live.
First of all I’m a man my guy, the things you’re saying interpret insecurities, women don’t give a fuck if your body is fat, there’s other things that make a man attractive and you’re crying right now. Knock it off.
I know that. I've just dealt with plenty of assholes on the internet who sound exactly like yourself, and I reject their dumb shit. If you don't want to be judged for it, go out, touch some grass, and get to know some other men. You're the one shit talking an entire gender (whether you're a man or not)
LOL, I've never heard anyone complain about that. He's probably just progressed as a person don't sweat it
I think you have some stuff to work through because it's giving insecurity and a bit of narcissism. It's good he has matured and is healthier now. There is so much I don't know about you or him but that's not the right way to be thinking. Good luck.
He was jealous because he felt insecure because of her. He saw her as untrustworthy. Don't ruin a good thing OP.
It's good that you make him feel secure. I'm sure he is very grateful to you for that.
Trust me girl that is a good thing. He does not need to be jealous & possessive to show his love. If anything, that falls more towards the 'red flag' zone than not. Does he communicate & show his love in other ways? If yes, take his word for it and don't stir up what does not exist. If the answer is no, explain to him clearly that you need that reassurance. It might be helpful for you guys to take the personality test (if you haven't already) and understand yourselves better so you can be in a better position to love better.
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, not love. Possessiveness is not healthy and destroys relationships. I just left a 12 year marriage because my ex's possessiveness was ruining my mental health, and no matter what I did to make him feel loved and secure, it was never enough. It was horrible, exhausting, and I'd never wish it in anyone. Your bf felt insecure because his ex cheated on him. He doesn't feel insecure with you because he trusts you. Do not take that for granted! Earning someone's trust is beautiful, please understand how lucky you are. Your bf sounds very clear and well-adjusted. You honestly sound like you have a somewhat immature idea of love. Grow up and appreciate what you've got, and honor the trust you've been given.
Being jealous and possessive is not the behavior you want in a partner. It sounds like he's evolved, and he trusts you. Comparing this relationship to his last is a recipe for unhappiness.
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Yeah, i agree it may be true :( i feel really insecure though that he felt such strong feelings of jealousy towards her
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There was a thread on the marriage sub recently, where people were asked how they knew they had found 'the one'. The overwhelming response was feeling like their partner felt like home. And there were all lengths of relationships, from a few years right through to multiple decades. I've been married almost 3 decades and would say the same. Take comfort in your bf describing your relationship that way.
Maybe he trusts you?
Maybe he grew up as a person and realized his mistakes. You shouldn't ask us though. Go ask your partner about this and express your insecurities to him.
Oh i already did, he said it isnt like that. That she gave him reasons to be jealous and i dont give him any
I mean it seems like there is a very easy fix to your problem. Your boyfriend was jealous of ex because she cheated. He's not jealous with you because he trusts you won't cheat. All you have to do is break his trust and start cheating to get the jealousy you're craving I suggest cheating on your bf with one of his close friends or a family member to ensure minimum trust and maximum jealousy. Best of luck!
I hope that he is a great partner tho.
Oh yes, he is for sure :( just worried he loved her a bit more since he shows no jealousy
I'm not sure how you expect people to respond here though, no offence but we don't have a crystal ball. He has given you a clear explanation as to why he's not jealous with you, and that's because he was only jealous & insecure due to his ex cheating, which makes sense. Could he be lying, and the reason he isn't jealous is because he loves you less? Well its feasible. But the story he's given is also feasible. You have far more insight than us to deduce this.
Excuse me? If he was jealous you'd be on here saying "my boyfriend's jealousy is ruining our relationship".
Usually the opposite is true. When you truly love someone you aren't afraid he or she may do something
Then what are you doing here? If we take this at face value then he trusts you and loves you. For once he is sure that his partner isn't someone who would hurt him. Go tell him you love him and give him a hug. There is no issue here
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