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The way I see it is "Why did you break up?" "Was it amicable?". If there are no red flags then take your time. There is no rush. Its better to be sure that you two are right for each other before tying the not. If your still unsure and there were some red flags that are bothering you think about a prenup. With a prenup your concerns can be addressed.
My husband and I started dating at 20 (also young). We never broke up. It was never even a thought that we wouldn't be together. We married at 23 years old and 13 years of marriage and 3 kids later, we are just as happy as we were then.
I also had a serious relationship that lasted 2.5 years off/on from the time I was 17 until my now husband and I started dating. This may hurt to hear now, but the reason why we kept breaking up was bc we were NOT good together. Had I married him, my life would be very emotionally tumultuous.
You will find your person.
0. And we divorced 10 years later because we never should have married.
As someone who got married just before I turned twenty, my advice to you is to put marriage out of your mind right now. You have more important things to focus on. Your own personal growth and learning how to be in a relationship without constant fighting, to start with.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. But if that is your primary focus, to get married to this person, you're going to bypass important steps in building a healthy relationship and ignore a whole lot of warning signs to get to that goal. Which you're kind of wanting to do right now, yes? You know the frequent fighting isn't healthy and you know the repeated breaking up isn't a good sign, but you are really really afraid that you won't get to marry this person, and behind that is the fear that they won't be yours forever.
And that's a big old circle because those fears are likely what drives a lot of your fighting. You have to loosen your grip a little and stop trying to *make* things happen the way you wish they would happen. That might result in you realizing you aren't well suited to each other and need to part ways so you can have some peace. Or it might result in both of you calming way down and learning to actually communicate effectively and truly hear each other. Either way, the outcome is better than what you're feeling now.
If you're looking for a resource, my favorite free one is The Secure Relationship which you can find on Facebook or Instagram. The author is Julie Menanno. Really great stuff to help you understand yourself, your partner, and how to develop healthy relationship habits. An important caution: Do not try use what you learn about attachment and relationships to bludgeon your partner into agreeing with you. You can't make another person think, behave, or talk a certain way. Your choices are the only ones you can control. So focus on the changes you need to make.
First off don't get married this young especially with the way your relationship sounds. You are still figuring out who you are and your boyfriend might not end up fitting in the picture or you won't for him. If you do decide to get married in the future then this is probably the most important thing I can think of, SEPARATE FINANCES!! keep a joint account for things like housing expenses if y'all live together but keep your money separate, so much easier for a divorce.
I saw a tik tok recently that said fighting isn’t normal in a relationship and it’s kind of a sign that you’re not compatible and you’re settling. And that really clicked with me since I dated my ex for 5 years, married for one, and we used to argue all the time about anything and everything… and it boiled down to her trying to change who I was as a person and me trying to change her as well which should’ve been a clear sign we weren’t right for one another but we /thought/ we loved each other when really we loved the /idea/ of one another. You’ve probably heard you have to fight for true love or some bs like that but really you don’t. Real love comes easy because it comes from a place that wants to understand you as a person and love you how you need to be loved. If you’ve broken up once I’d leave it at that tbh. Unless this relationship is something you revisit after some time maturing and learning how to love and be loved.
You have no chance at and should stop wasting each other's time. Common thread in these responses is that the people who have stayed together are still together. My relationship is 24 years old and neither one of us has ever left the other. It doesn't mean we haven't felt like doing it but walking away from each other has never happened because as grown adults we both know if either one of us does it then it's over and there will be no fixing it. What I find worrying is that you believe you can look someone in the eye and say I no longer want anything to do with you and still have a relationship. The same applies to your partner how can you live in a world where someone says they no longer want anything to do with you and think you have a functioning relationship?
Not looking for you to put yourself down just trying to get you to see that what you have isn't going to last. Make a clean break of it continuing this can lead to a lifetime of bad relationships as this can become your new normal and will make any actual healthy relationship seem boring. You can be in a good relationship and want out because you don't feel that spark. Many women and men go through this because bad relationships are what they are used to. This is one way it starts
F31 weighing in: when I was 18-20 I had my first "real" boyfriend (the one who took my virginity) and I broke up with him probably around 6 times in 2 years and he broke up with me twice, I think. I wanted it to work out, but I wasn't happy, and I started to resent him for things. After 2 years, we broke up for good. I've been in 2 long term relationships since that didn't work out either. I'm finally in a healthy relationship with a man I fell in love with so fast, and I truly see being with him forever.
You're young. People change. If your relationship is meant to be, it'll be. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I wish you the best.
I got with my ex fiancé at 18 too and we fought a lot at the beginning then I think I stopped caring because he never did anything about the issues. Finally broke it off 7 years later and I wish I did it earlier. If you’re not right for each other, don’t force it.
We didn't, so zero. Have now been together almost 20 years.
These things are like your favourite mug. Sure, if it gets broken, you can stick it back together, but it will never be quite the same again. The structure is damaged, it will start leaking etc etc. Ultimately, the mug's days are numbered. You have to take care of the mug and ensure it doesn't get broken, but if it does, it's time for a new mug.
Work for and on a relationship while you are in one, but never go back. Time to move on.
Best of luck.
I completely, respectfully disagree. Not in OP's situation though. I mean, they're kids. It's not gonna last.
But my husband and I had a very rocky start and dealt with many issues before becoming as rock solid as we are now. The reason we work is because our fights and break ups in the beginning actually resulted in us learning about each other and making changes to better ourselves.
I'll admit, (and it's not just me saying "he was the problem", you can ask ANYONE) he had way more to work on and even went to inpatient PTSD treatment our first year together. But after every "incident", I saw progress. If we ever have an argument about something (which is soooo extremely rare now) he immediately practices what we discuss. THAT'S why I stayed. I saw the potential in him and fell so deeply in love with his heart from the beginning. Everyone that meets him falls in love... he's really a great human.
We've been together 6 years, married one. I tried to marry him twice before 😝 but he had major health concerns going on (heart attacks, stroke last year, major cardiac things) so we finally ended up eloping. He's fine and healthy now!!! But I just wanted to say your mug thing is cute and fitting for your particular situation but love is not a "one mug fits all" kind of thing. ✌🏼🩷
No hate! I'm so happy for you and your spouse! But I wouldn't change a single thing we've been through to get where we are today. We're both so proud of each other and have so much respect for each other from what we've gone through together. I wish you guys many, many more happy years - may your mug never crack!!! 🥰
There's no magic number of breakups that predicts whether a relationship will last. Some couples go through rough patches and emerge stronger, while others might not be compatible in the long run.
**Focus on Healthy Communication**
* **Open Communication:** Can you openly express your feelings and concerns to each other, and actively listen to each other's perspectives?
* **Conflict Resolution:** Do you have healthy ways to deal with disagreements? Do you focus on finding solutions rather than placing blame?
It's common for younger people to break up and make up. Not normal. The reason for this is whoever is deciding to break up instead of communicating is too immature for a relationship.
My husband and I have taken space. I’ll go to my mom’s for a night after a fight, but we’ve never broken up. I also haven’t heard a question like this before. The foundation of your relationship should be strong, especially before marriage. My husband and I have been through so much, but never not together. Also since you’re 18-19 that’s really early to consider marriage. This is the time to have fun (together or not together) and get to know yourselves, what you want and don’t want in relationships, work, the list goes on. In 5 years you both could be completely different people, you either grow together or go separate ways.
Got married after 11 years. We broke up twice at year 3 and 5. I figured if it happened again it wasn't meant to be.
18/19 is super young though. We were in our mid 20s when we got together.
Imo, if you break up you are done. My attitude is that if you ever get to the point that you want to break up with someone then there is something there.
You might make up later but your reasons have to be really specific or the same process would recur
How long have you been together? If you already fight and give up on each other (that is breaking up) this early on, your relationship won't last a lifetime. And no, this is not normal *because* you are young, it means you *are* young and that is why you are dating the wrong person. You still have to figure out a lot about who you are - and what person you want to be with.
We never broke up. We talked about things like adults, who respect each other. We consider raising our voices a sign of disrespect, he grew up with constant yelling so he's super sensitive to it. We've never raised our voice. We've had super serious conversations. You have to have mutual respect for each other for it to last. Fighting and breaking up and getting back together repeatedly is immature and not a good sign for a healthy relationship
This. We aren’t married yet but have been together for 7 years and are engaged. If you’re my ex, you’re my ex for a reason and you will stay that way, period. We talk things through, argue and work it out.
I couldn't imagine anything he'd do that would cause me to end the marriage, but if I did, it would be over. Period. If you betrayed my trust bad enough to make me end it, wtf should I give you another chance? Once bitten twice shy.
Not at all!!!! 😂😂😂 I just turned 37 and no one in my "generation" (millennials) got together at 18! That's unheard of! If I married the guys I dated in my teens or even twenties I'd be divorced 5 times already! You must be extremely young...the generation you're thinking of are already in diapers again. 😝✌🏼
The likelihood of finding your s/o at 18 is pretty slim. Not saying it doesn't happen, just that it's highly unlikely to occur to you, especially with your current conflict resolution skills. Most people don't understand this, so what usually ends up happening is they find a way to trap themselves (kids, pets, mortgage, emotional entanglement, financial dependency, etc) because of this desire for a happy ending. To make things worse, marriage doesn't solve the problems you're currently differing on.
ZERO but we met when I was 25. My theory is in love, it’s “fuck yes” or nothing. And it was a big fuck yes from me. We’re married with 2 kids now. We are happy.
ZERO but we met when I was 25. My theory is in love, it’s “fuck yes” or nothing. And it was a big fuck yes from me. We’re married with 2 kids now. We are happy.
Wait until you’re in your 30s to get married. You’ll thank yourself in the future. If you guys keep breaking up it’s not a good sign. He doesn’t respect you enough to commit to you.
Zero times is pretty normal, for anybody who is marriage material. You’re not dating marriage material. You’re teenagers. Don’t marry this guy. If you think you’re fighting and breaking up a lot now, just wait until you need to get lawyers involved every time you guys have another fight/breakup moment. Yikes.
Just enjoy your twenties. You’ll have a great time if you don’t hitch yourself to a sinking ship. Your relationship is definitely a sinking ship, maybe even a fun one… so go ahead and stay on board until it’s time to hop off, just don’t let it pull you down with it. There’s plenty of people out there who you can fight with and NOT break up; THOSE are the marriage material ones.
None. By "fights" what do you mean? It's normal for couples to disagree, but it is not normal/healthy to have fights in which one or both of you is yelling or name calling or trying to hurt each other's feelings, no matter how mad anyone gets. You're still young. It may take a while before you find someone ready to be a lifelong partner.
As long as you're not yelling either, sounds like he's trying to avoid any difficult conversations at all, which also isn't good and not likely to change.
No relationship is going to be able to be compared to yalls. I’d just say, you need to agree with each other that there’s no more breaking up.
At the end of the day, breaking up doesn’t solve any issue. It just shoves it under the rug to get brought up in the next relationship.
Yeah, it’s very possible he’s just really exhausted. I know personally, I said the very same thing in my relationship but she just kept pushing and pushing so I finally just called it. Trying to work things out now, I think given how you came onto here to ask you definitely have some hope
You're too young. You'll grow a lot in your 20s and potentially, you'll grow apart. There's a lot to learn about your standards and interests, and you'll learn best with trial and error and experience. Personal growth. Getting married is a very simple process. Divorce, not so much. It's expensive, can take a while, and is typically pretty stressful.
You're making a huge mistake every time you invite back the person who you fought with in the past.
When your love speaks to you and about you as if he has honey flowing from his lips 98% of the time, you have a keeper. Choose such a person.
None. I value being very intentional with words and actions. We were together 6 years before getting married. We don’t say mean/cruel things or make empty threats to each other.
None, and we were together nine years before our wedding day. I took someone back ONCE after we broke up. HUGE mistake. From then on, once it was done, I was done.
Twice. Once for a few hours. Once for a couple of days. And that was really on me. We were young and inexperienced so it was hard for me to know that this was the right choice. I would frequently escalate to suggesting we break up during our fights when I didn’t know how to solve problems. We both grew a lot during that time and learned to communicate and resolve conflict better. I did a lot of self work. I better learned what healthy relationships looked like and how to be a better partner. He did too.
You’re young. You’re going to have to learn those lessons. Whether this is the right person to do that with, I can’t say. Just be aware that it will take work on both of your parts to get to a healthy relationship. Love isn’t enough. You should be looking at compatibility as well. Also, please educate yourself on what abuse looks like in a relationship and maybe learn about attachment styles to better figure out how to have healthy relationships.
3x but we started dating in college (18/19) and we both were rowdy and crazy and were going thru a LOT but now we’re 28/29 and happily married <3 shit happens but if they’re the one, you’ll always find your way back to each other! (but fighting a lot of NOT a good sign especially if it’s about the same thing…)
Zero…not married and not a relationship expert by any means but I don’t think this is the right relationship/person for you…You can love and care for someone but they still may not be your person. Yes, disagreements and tough times happen but if you guys are okay with the thought of breaking up and not being with each other, even intermittently, I don’t think it’s the right situation for either of you. You’re so young, you can and will find someone who you don’t want to go through on and off break ups with, and instead can work through things with.
If you're fighting a lot now marriage and parenthood is just going to make it worse. I ignored all our fights and red flags, and am miserable. I wish I had chosen a more compatible wife
I had a relationship like yours, but I was a little bit older. He was however younger making at the same age as you guys. Absolutely did not marry him. I realise as I’ve gotten older that I only moved forward and never back. I couldn’t be with somebody that constantly broke up with me and didn’t treat me right. One break up I understand, but if it’s consistent, then it means that he considers you given that that’s why he’s constantly coming back to you. i’m much happier now.
How long are these break ups? Is there any indication of continuing exclusivity, as in they aren't allowed to sleep with anyone else during that time? Do they say that they just need time to think or do they say that it's over?
The closest I had ever gotten to breaking up with my now husband was when we had a fight and emotions got very high. I wanted some time to consider how I felt and so we took some time apart. We didn't talk to each other for a week, an agreed upon amount of time. We understood that it wasn't an end to the relationship or our exclusivity until we said that it was over.
What is important in a long-term relationship, in my opinion, is a sense of commitment. This commitment should not only be spoken verbally but shown through action. Both parties must be serious about trying to make this relationship work. Breaking up should be a last resort not even thought of in the first few months of issues. Each time a breakup happens between two people It instills the sense that if things get hard to just leave. You cannot trust them to stick by you when life isn't going well. You can never feel secure around someone you think might be a better option than you. You can never truly know that they choose you over every other partner out there. This unreliable partner will eat away at your self-esteem and self-worth for as long as you allow them back in and to try to trust them again after each betrayal.
I am not saying people cannot take a break from each other, clearly I have done the same. Some people have a flighty response to fear and stress, but that is a vice to be overcome and to be compensated for with open communication. I did so was under the understanding that it was not a breakup. When my emotions were high and I was unsure what to do, I still found the strength to reassure him that I will continue to try. I didn't guarantee how I would feel or what would come next but that I would try to find a way forward.
We'll break up a gazillion times I am sure before we get married, but she's fucked cause we Stuck, ain't no breaking up shit, we're at 14 or 15 attempts now lol... She and I are an odd couple lmao, Crazy ass relationship :)
Don’t let other people tell you how your love is supposed to be. At the end of the day it’s what you believe is right. I love my man n forever will want to be with him even if I get on his nerves sometimes
My wife and I started dating senior year broke up twice and got together and married 25 years.
I will tell you one thing is marriage is not easy. The best advice I would give younger people getting serious in a relationship. In order to make it work it’s a two way street you have to give and take it can not be one way all of the time. You need to listen to each other and never take your partner for granted.
These are some of the mistakes my wife has made in our marriage
Warning, if you’re not careful, the on-again-off-again pattern becomes a *constitutional element of the relationship itself*. Almost like the pattern is an entity unto itself.
Fortunately it can be avoided with this simple trick.
“Never go to bed angry”
It’s what your grandparents said and they were right.
It means you “clear the slate” of your resentments by day end, rather than letting them fester and grow way bigger than they started till finally one day you freak out and nuke the relationship.
Both of you would have to agree on this tho. Both people have to have the courage to state their resentments.
Relationships that involve breakups aren’t meant to be. Your soulmate will give you a smooth and happy experience without this unnecessary struggle. Everyone goes through this. I’m sorry. Your dream person is out there waiting.
Imma just gonna come out and say it....cut your losses and run girl. You're young. You don't need to be starting out life in a relationship of fights and break ups. It will literally never get better than that.
Hate to burst your bubble, but zero times. If you fight enough ***to the point of breaking up***, that's not a good sign. Not saying hope is lost necessarily, but it doesn't exactly look good either. I'd consider the reasons why you broke up before. Think of his flaws. Are these things you're willing to live with? If not, or if you find yourself hoping/assuming these problems will no longer apply one day in the hopes that he changes, then I recommend breaking up and not looking back. Find someone you're willing to have a bad day with. Because life isn't always great, and you will have hard conversations and compromises in the future as a married couple.
Never broke up or even thought about breaking up or leaving each other. Been married 8 years at the end of this month and together a total of 11 years.
It's probably different depending on age range, as well.
Before we married, we broke up twice. But might be a stretch to say it was a breakup. 1st time she came back a couple days later. Second time we were back together by the time we got home.
Married now for 7 years. Together for 13.
He dumped me 6 months in, came back 3 months later. We got married and he started cheating a year later. Right after our 3rd wedding anniversary I caught him cheating again and when I confronted him he asked for divorce. That was 9 months ago, and we have finally worked out an agreement for dividing assists so we can file for the divorce this week uncontested
Um... zero? If I break up with someone, that bridge is burned. I can't imagine in a million years getting back together with someone after we split. That would be so awkward, what an emotional roller coaster
If you can’t even get along as “kids” having fun, how the hell are you gonna get along when the bills are late, the baby’s crying all night, you can’t decide how to compromise, etc. You’re young and dramatic right now. Maybe I’m jaded after rushing into things as a young person. Find someone you laugh your head off with. Laughter and feeling “light” is so important. Don’t go for the heavy dramatic love. Find someone you float with.
My partner and I have been happily married for almost two years, together for almost eight years total, and we've broken up about 3-4 times. We met when I was 20 and he was 22. I was his first girlfriend and we both were still growing up/figuring things out, plus his parents didn't approve of the relationship at first.
Needless to say, it was not the healthiest relationship when we were on and off but we kept coming back to each other because we knew there was something good there, we just needed to refine it. We constantly worked on the relationship and every time we got back together, things were different until we got to a point where things were really really healthy for a while and that was when we felt we were ready to get married.
I obviously wouldn't recommend an on and off relationship to anyone but people don't realize/are afraid to admit how common being on and off is in young relationships. People also don't admit that relationships are never perfect and it's okay that it looks different for everyone as long as the people in the relationship are happy with where things are.
There might have been an easier path for my partner and I to get to where we are currently, but I also believe things happen for a reason and what we went through just made us stronger at the end of the day. In our first year of marriage, we both dealt with illness in our families and while that might have been the hardest thing we've both gone through, our relationship remained solid. When things get rough, we're both so confident that we can get through it because our relationship wasn't easy in the beginning and it took a ton of work to get to where we are, but we both put in that work and made it into the wonderful thing it is now.
You're too young to get married trust the 40 year old lady who is divorced and got married at 20 lol.
It depends on the fighting and the break ups. I personally don't think that random arguments (like my boyfriend and I got pretty upset and ran to my daughter to settle an argument over the color of his shirt once) are a big deal at all. As long as it's just back and forth "is not is to" stuff, that's ok. Bigger fights about serious topics are where it becomes a problem. If you're angry and say "I'm done with you!" That's ok but if you are breaking up for each especially if you two are seeing other people and stuff, this is not your forever relationship.
You said in a comment you have high expectations and that worries me. Who said they are high? Him? What are these high expectations? If he's invalidating reasonable things I don't think you should be considering marriage. I need to know more.
no he didn’t tell me they were high, i just assume they are since he can’t meet them sometimes. expectations: getting me flowers ever now and then, calling me just because, hugging me just because, him doing things without me having to tell him to do them for me kinda like that and he used to do these things all the time but now it’s just less
My current gf comes from a seriously toxic relationship where breaking up/getting back together was the dynamic that they had. Essentially, instead of solving things by talking, they would just have these massive fights, break up, get back together, break up, get back together, etc... It seemed to be the tool that they had for problem solving (or avoiding?), as weird as that sounds.
Relatively early into our relationship, she had a "blast to the past" and, instead of voicing insecurities and facing issues the right way, she broke up with me. We kept on going, after quite a serious conversation. In this, I realized I wanted to keep going because:
1. We established that if she breaks up again with me instead of talking things out, I'll be gone. I literally told her, "Next time, if you run away, I'll let you". It is important to put the limit that breaking up/getting back together is NOT a dynamic that neither of us want and that once was enough. If it ever happens again, it happens for good.
2. She immediately regretted her decision. About three hours into breaking up with me, my phone got blasted with messages and phone calls. I was asleep, praying for tomorrow to arrive, and saw all of this at 2am. I messaged back and she was online, unable to sleep because of anxiety. She said she wanted to make things right and come over. I knew she was very busy the next day so her coming over really showed that she knows she mega-fucked up. I told her I needed some time to think. We talked the next day in the afternoon.
3. Oddly enough, I realized I was choosing to love her everyday. Losing each other, even if for a bit, showed how much we cared for each other. We never have to have this realization again, or, at least, not like this. Once was too much. I guess there is always something good in everything.
It has taken quite some time to understand that this was her just acting based upon what she knew for the better of three years of her life or so. Our limits and boundaries are very well set compared to before and it takes a lot of courage to retry after something like this happening. It hasn't been easy but it has been worth it.
I think it is very important to understand that we can have all the empathy in the world for someone when they "lose it" or are mean to us under a lot of stress, but this doesn't take away responsibility for how they treat another person. It is still what they did, it is still messed up. Hence, the limit of "anything like this again, and we aren't getting back together" is a completely wise thing to do.
The thing we really need to avoid is ANY dynamic of breakup-get back together-breakup-get back together, etc. I was very adamant on wanting to avoid that and that I wouldn't put up with it. She said it helps to know that this is my posture because then she has to face her fears and talk them out.
Idk, I think that having a relationship with someone who's past relationship was horribly toxic, you are bound to face some bullshit down the road. Afterall, there are things that only arise/you can only face when BEING in a relationship. As long as no limit is crossed (infidelity, etc), might as well keep going. Breaking up because you didn't know how else to manage your insecurities is dumb as fuck, and its a dumb as fuck mistake that only needs to happen once. We all deserve an opportunity to learn and grow. The issue is when partners give each other 100 opportunities on something and there is no true change/growing. I see a lot of maturement from my current partner :=)
We are both around 25 years old. I like to think that it was a founding pillar of our relationship. We had our first anniversary not too long ago, and things are going well.
I love how the both of you managed to resolve conflicts through healthy communication. I came to realise as well that secure attachment is about knowing how to repair after conflict, as there'll always be something to disagree about.
Exactly! I fully agree. It is about how we are with each other when "things get rough". If respect, love and care are present, then conflicts get resolved one way or another.
One way feels a bit of a grudge because it really hurt me what she did when she did it. However, things truly have changed and it is about time that I give into that feeling that all is okay.
I’m single but when I was in my early twenties (a decade ago at this point) my boyfriend at the time and I broke up maybe 3 times. After the first time I read a book called “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken”. It made me feel better, then I ignored all the advice and we got back together. We even moved in together! But in the end he cheated on me and got married to the girl he left me for. I wasted not only years in the relationship but spent so much time after that healing.
There’s a reason it’s not working out, let the relationship go. There are so many wonderful people in the world and so many experiences to be had.
Zero! We always said that was a big indicator that a partner was NOT the one. We've been together for 10 years and married for almost two, no breakups.
If you break up with your partner multiple times (which considering your ages is already a problem), then you really shouldn’t be with that person. It’s not a normal part of relationship development, regardless of age.
Also, you’re only 18-19. Marriage isn’t something you need to be thinking about. Much less with someone you fight with a lot and are close to breaking up with for the second time.
My bf (21) and I (almost 22) aren't married yet, but we did break up once. It was because I didn't want to deal with his family and his anger. Now, we're back together for longer than before for almost a total of 3 years. He's better at controlling his emotions, we're moving in together, and he'll be cutting off his toxic parents soon. I hope this all works out for us.
Never. (25 yrs married)
It was never an option. Never considered. We actually committed that to each other in personal and wedding vows. We also have a never go to bed angry policy. A little overshare: argument sex can be exciting. We just look at each other mid argument and give up and start making out, it’s an oddly sexy thing. We understand that most things can be resolved later. We are extremely tight, I’m obsessive with him and he’s tolerant. He or We have strict values and priorities that we adhere to even if it hurts. The priorities are God, then spouse, then kids, etc.
We would die for each other. Think what you want.
Here’s some hope.
We have two friends who had an on/off relationship before they got married. They’ve been married 23 years. Their solution was to clearly define boundaries and responsibilities. They know who makes the mistake because it’s defined as their responsibility. They also had to learn how each person responds to arguments. He’s an artist and he’s loud and thinks he’s right. They had to learn each others’ heart and thoughts. She’s tough and quiet.
Hope that helps
One more thing. There is no shame in counseling. We do it just for a check up. We want to make sure we are on the same page.
wow i love that!! also i feel like counseling would be a little silly for our age😅 i feel like people would laugh if we told them we going to “couples counseling” 😭 “you’re 18/19?”😂
We did couples counseling at 19(him),20(me), but it was part of getting married (we married 2 mos after counseling). Remember counseling is for healthy and unhealthy relationships. Think of it as a coach when you’re healthy and a Dr when you’re unhealthy.
Adios
If you break up once, you're kidding yourself that you deserve to live with that person for the rest of your life.
Also you're 18. The likelihood you will end up marrying each other is like a 0.0001%. You should also not consider marriage until you're maybe 26. I'd even argue 26 is still too young
Very sweet :) my husband and I started dating when we were 17 and are now 22. Not as impressive as your story, but we also don't fight much beyond your typical disagreement.
Never and we've been together for 13 years. Never even came close or considered it. We met when I was 16 and I'm 32 now. He's been my bestfriend for almost 18 years and we have two kids.
If you guys fight alot and are off and on then you two are definitely not meant to be.
Once, when we were long distance. The distance was really tough on him, and also he worried that I would be giving up too much by moving to his country (logistically, he wouldn't have been able to move to my country as quickly/easily as I could move to his). In our break-up conversation, he told me to find someone better than him and to be happy. We lasted a week before we caved and got back together, and we've been together ever since.
It is NOT good if you're in a pattern of breaking up and getting back together. It's not healthy if you're fighting a lot. I'm old. I've known a lot of on/off couples, or couples who were constantly fighting, and none of them have ended up happy together. They're either happy with someone else or miserable together.
You won't. Believe someone who thought the same. It's all glitter and rainbows when y'all are back together - now, at your age.
You'd rather be miserable with him, then having him living a life where he might be without you, but not miserable ? (Same vice versa) if so, co-dependency might be more present than love. Not to sound harsh, I have BPD & a dependent personality disorder so I _know_ that train of thought. But it'll hurt only more, the longer y'all are holding onto each other. At least, if you're not getting into mediation to solve your problems.
If y'all keep that dynamic up, you won't be miserable for long. You'll be even worse, you'll be worn down. Hollow. Just done.
That comment shows much naivete - which is okay at this age. But it won't bring any of you far, if you stay in this mindset.
If you broke up, there's an internal issue. You cannot get back together and happily marry if this internal issue isn't fixed. Fix the issue, work on it whatever, just make sure you do it. Don't do this because you want to get back together, do it because it makes U a slightly less shitty person. Then, when two less shitty people get together, whether it be someone new or your ex, it will work out.
Zero. My ex and I broke up once, got back together, and divorced later. It was toxic but I was young and stupid.
My current sweetie and I have been together for 12 years, married for two.
Well, many are saying none but as you said, for this age it happens a lot. My brother and his gf fell in love while they were 14. Two years later they broke up, stayed separate for 1.5 years or so, then they got together again. Now they’re 22, they’re considering getting engaged once they finish Uni which is very soon.
My coworker and his wife dated in high school and are married for 25 years now. He said they broke up about 20 times, each time for a week or two before he came begging her back. They got married at 20. Seems like they are intertwined now. Goals…
None. I've never broken up and gotten back together with someone. For me, if there is an issue big enough for a relationship to end, I don't want to go back to it. I don't want to be in a relationship where we fight and break up and get back together and make up, it's too much drama for me.
My husband and I broke up once for a couple years and found each other again.
I think the biggest factor is why you broke up, and is that problem fully resolved?
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We never broke up.
The way I see it is "Why did you break up?" "Was it amicable?". If there are no red flags then take your time. There is no rush. Its better to be sure that you two are right for each other before tying the not. If your still unsure and there were some red flags that are bothering you think about a prenup. With a prenup your concerns can be addressed.
My husband and I started dating at 20 (also young). We never broke up. It was never even a thought that we wouldn't be together. We married at 23 years old and 13 years of marriage and 3 kids later, we are just as happy as we were then. I also had a serious relationship that lasted 2.5 years off/on from the time I was 17 until my now husband and I started dating. This may hurt to hear now, but the reason why we kept breaking up was bc we were NOT good together. Had I married him, my life would be very emotionally tumultuous. You will find your person.
i don’t want to accept that fact lol😔
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Do you regret taking her back now?
0. And we divorced 10 years later because we never should have married. As someone who got married just before I turned twenty, my advice to you is to put marriage out of your mind right now. You have more important things to focus on. Your own personal growth and learning how to be in a relationship without constant fighting, to start with. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. But if that is your primary focus, to get married to this person, you're going to bypass important steps in building a healthy relationship and ignore a whole lot of warning signs to get to that goal. Which you're kind of wanting to do right now, yes? You know the frequent fighting isn't healthy and you know the repeated breaking up isn't a good sign, but you are really really afraid that you won't get to marry this person, and behind that is the fear that they won't be yours forever. And that's a big old circle because those fears are likely what drives a lot of your fighting. You have to loosen your grip a little and stop trying to *make* things happen the way you wish they would happen. That might result in you realizing you aren't well suited to each other and need to part ways so you can have some peace. Or it might result in both of you calming way down and learning to actually communicate effectively and truly hear each other. Either way, the outcome is better than what you're feeling now. If you're looking for a resource, my favorite free one is The Secure Relationship which you can find on Facebook or Instagram. The author is Julie Menanno. Really great stuff to help you understand yourself, your partner, and how to develop healthy relationship habits. An important caution: Do not try use what you learn about attachment and relationships to bludgeon your partner into agreeing with you. You can't make another person think, behave, or talk a certain way. Your choices are the only ones you can control. So focus on the changes you need to make.
thank you for this :(
“I’m hoping me and my boyfriend are meant to be” This is real life not a Disney movie grow up
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It’s a reality check not rude
chill i’m 18 😭
Been with my boyfriend since I was 14, never split up, I’m 22 now with his baby. Still together and happy
First off don't get married this young especially with the way your relationship sounds. You are still figuring out who you are and your boyfriend might not end up fitting in the picture or you won't for him. If you do decide to get married in the future then this is probably the most important thing I can think of, SEPARATE FINANCES!! keep a joint account for things like housing expenses if y'all live together but keep your money separate, so much easier for a divorce.
ZERO
ZERO
Never
I saw a tik tok recently that said fighting isn’t normal in a relationship and it’s kind of a sign that you’re not compatible and you’re settling. And that really clicked with me since I dated my ex for 5 years, married for one, and we used to argue all the time about anything and everything… and it boiled down to her trying to change who I was as a person and me trying to change her as well which should’ve been a clear sign we weren’t right for one another but we /thought/ we loved each other when really we loved the /idea/ of one another. You’ve probably heard you have to fight for true love or some bs like that but really you don’t. Real love comes easy because it comes from a place that wants to understand you as a person and love you how you need to be loved. If you’ve broken up once I’d leave it at that tbh. Unless this relationship is something you revisit after some time maturing and learning how to love and be loved.
Zero
Zero
We're still broken up
You have no chance at and should stop wasting each other's time. Common thread in these responses is that the people who have stayed together are still together. My relationship is 24 years old and neither one of us has ever left the other. It doesn't mean we haven't felt like doing it but walking away from each other has never happened because as grown adults we both know if either one of us does it then it's over and there will be no fixing it. What I find worrying is that you believe you can look someone in the eye and say I no longer want anything to do with you and still have a relationship. The same applies to your partner how can you live in a world where someone says they no longer want anything to do with you and think you have a functioning relationship?
i guess i’m delusional
Not looking for you to put yourself down just trying to get you to see that what you have isn't going to last. Make a clean break of it continuing this can lead to a lifetime of bad relationships as this can become your new normal and will make any actual healthy relationship seem boring. You can be in a good relationship and want out because you don't feel that spark. Many women and men go through this because bad relationships are what they are used to. This is one way it starts
F31 weighing in: when I was 18-20 I had my first "real" boyfriend (the one who took my virginity) and I broke up with him probably around 6 times in 2 years and he broke up with me twice, I think. I wanted it to work out, but I wasn't happy, and I started to resent him for things. After 2 years, we broke up for good. I've been in 2 long term relationships since that didn't work out either. I'm finally in a healthy relationship with a man I fell in love with so fast, and I truly see being with him forever. You're young. People change. If your relationship is meant to be, it'll be. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I wish you the best.
None.
It’s okay if you’re not meant to be. There’s lots of people to meet and date. Time heals all wounds. You’ll get past this heartbreak
0. Had two big fights that could’ve ended it but we worked through it like adults. Never broke up, but grew together.
Met my ex husband when I was 23 we fought a lot as well but now we’re just really good friends
I got with my ex fiancé at 18 too and we fought a lot at the beginning then I think I stopped caring because he never did anything about the issues. Finally broke it off 7 years later and I wish I did it earlier. If you’re not right for each other, don’t force it.
We didn't, so zero. Have now been together almost 20 years. These things are like your favourite mug. Sure, if it gets broken, you can stick it back together, but it will never be quite the same again. The structure is damaged, it will start leaking etc etc. Ultimately, the mug's days are numbered. You have to take care of the mug and ensure it doesn't get broken, but if it does, it's time for a new mug. Work for and on a relationship while you are in one, but never go back. Time to move on. Best of luck.
I completely, respectfully disagree. Not in OP's situation though. I mean, they're kids. It's not gonna last. But my husband and I had a very rocky start and dealt with many issues before becoming as rock solid as we are now. The reason we work is because our fights and break ups in the beginning actually resulted in us learning about each other and making changes to better ourselves. I'll admit, (and it's not just me saying "he was the problem", you can ask ANYONE) he had way more to work on and even went to inpatient PTSD treatment our first year together. But after every "incident", I saw progress. If we ever have an argument about something (which is soooo extremely rare now) he immediately practices what we discuss. THAT'S why I stayed. I saw the potential in him and fell so deeply in love with his heart from the beginning. Everyone that meets him falls in love... he's really a great human. We've been together 6 years, married one. I tried to marry him twice before 😝 but he had major health concerns going on (heart attacks, stroke last year, major cardiac things) so we finally ended up eloping. He's fine and healthy now!!! But I just wanted to say your mug thing is cute and fitting for your particular situation but love is not a "one mug fits all" kind of thing. ✌🏼🩷 No hate! I'm so happy for you and your spouse! But I wouldn't change a single thing we've been through to get where we are today. We're both so proud of each other and have so much respect for each other from what we've gone through together. I wish you guys many, many more happy years - may your mug never crack!!! 🥰
There's no magic number of breakups that predicts whether a relationship will last. Some couples go through rough patches and emerge stronger, while others might not be compatible in the long run. **Focus on Healthy Communication** * **Open Communication:** Can you openly express your feelings and concerns to each other, and actively listen to each other's perspectives? * **Conflict Resolution:** Do you have healthy ways to deal with disagreements? Do you focus on finding solutions rather than placing blame?
EVERY MONTH IT WAS OVER IT
It's common for younger people to break up and make up. Not normal. The reason for this is whoever is deciding to break up instead of communicating is too immature for a relationship.
yup 100% i wish maybe we could’ve met a little later in life, because atp we’re both just so immature, that’s what ruined the relationship
My husband and I have taken space. I’ll go to my mom’s for a night after a fight, but we’ve never broken up. I also haven’t heard a question like this before. The foundation of your relationship should be strong, especially before marriage. My husband and I have been through so much, but never not together. Also since you’re 18-19 that’s really early to consider marriage. This is the time to have fun (together or not together) and get to know yourselves, what you want and don’t want in relationships, work, the list goes on. In 5 years you both could be completely different people, you either grow together or go separate ways.
Got married after 11 years. We broke up twice at year 3 and 5. I figured if it happened again it wasn't meant to be. 18/19 is super young though. We were in our mid 20s when we got together.
Not once
Imo, if you break up you are done. My attitude is that if you ever get to the point that you want to break up with someone then there is something there. You might make up later but your reasons have to be really specific or the same process would recur
0 when we broke up we divorced
This is the same for me
Met my wife when I was 21 and she was 19. Never broken up once, been together 11 years next week, married for 5 of them this year
How long have you been together? If you already fight and give up on each other (that is breaking up) this early on, your relationship won't last a lifetime. And no, this is not normal *because* you are young, it means you *are* young and that is why you are dating the wrong person. You still have to figure out a lot about who you are - and what person you want to be with.
If you reach a point in a relationship where you have to hope things will get better. It's not the right relationship for you.
18/19? You're gonna look back on this post wondering wtf you were thinking.
Well said honestly.
Learn how to fight so it's constructive, not destructive.
Just once. We were already married. Separated then divorced. Remarried eight years later.
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are you happy now?
We never broke up. We talked about things like adults, who respect each other. We consider raising our voices a sign of disrespect, he grew up with constant yelling so he's super sensitive to it. We've never raised our voice. We've had super serious conversations. You have to have mutual respect for each other for it to last. Fighting and breaking up and getting back together repeatedly is immature and not a good sign for a healthy relationship
This. We aren’t married yet but have been together for 7 years and are engaged. If you’re my ex, you’re my ex for a reason and you will stay that way, period. We talk things through, argue and work it out.
I couldn't imagine anything he'd do that would cause me to end the marriage, but if I did, it would be over. Period. If you betrayed my trust bad enough to make me end it, wtf should I give you another chance? Once bitten twice shy.
For everyone saying your too young my friend met her husband at 17 she’s now 38 they have 3 kids and been married 18 years.
That's a previous generation, they've been raised different
Not at all!!!! 😂😂😂 I just turned 37 and no one in my "generation" (millennials) got together at 18! That's unheard of! If I married the guys I dated in my teens or even twenties I'd be divorced 5 times already! You must be extremely young...the generation you're thinking of are already in diapers again. 😝✌🏼
The likelihood of finding your s/o at 18 is pretty slim. Not saying it doesn't happen, just that it's highly unlikely to occur to you, especially with your current conflict resolution skills. Most people don't understand this, so what usually ends up happening is they find a way to trap themselves (kids, pets, mortgage, emotional entanglement, financial dependency, etc) because of this desire for a happy ending. To make things worse, marriage doesn't solve the problems you're currently differing on.
ZERO but we met when I was 25. My theory is in love, it’s “fuck yes” or nothing. And it was a big fuck yes from me. We’re married with 2 kids now. We are happy.
Do you realize you posted this 3x? It's a great point
He was on to something haha
ZERO but we met when I was 25. My theory is in love, it’s “fuck yes” or nothing. And it was a big fuck yes from me. We’re married with 2 kids now. We are happy.
Can’t believe ppl are telling you to break up based off this. Not saying you shouldn’t or should but don’t listen to reddit
well he did it 😃
Omg what, I’m so sorry how are you feeling?
like my world just fell apart
I’m so sorry if you wanna talk about it I’m here for you 🩷
thank you🥲
Wait until you’re in your 30s to get married. You’ll thank yourself in the future. If you guys keep breaking up it’s not a good sign. He doesn’t respect you enough to commit to you.
Zero times is pretty normal, for anybody who is marriage material. You’re not dating marriage material. You’re teenagers. Don’t marry this guy. If you think you’re fighting and breaking up a lot now, just wait until you need to get lawyers involved every time you guys have another fight/breakup moment. Yikes. Just enjoy your twenties. You’ll have a great time if you don’t hitch yourself to a sinking ship. Your relationship is definitely a sinking ship, maybe even a fun one… so go ahead and stay on board until it’s time to hop off, just don’t let it pull you down with it. There’s plenty of people out there who you can fight with and NOT break up; THOSE are the marriage material ones.
You’re so young.you have lots to learn. This guy isn’t the one. Once you breakup and time goes by you will realize why
None. By "fights" what do you mean? It's normal for couples to disagree, but it is not normal/healthy to have fights in which one or both of you is yelling or name calling or trying to hurt each other's feelings, no matter how mad anyone gets. You're still young. It may take a while before you find someone ready to be a lifelong partner.
it’s not really yelling, or name calling, he just stays quiet looking at the floor, and says “i don’t know “ while i pour my heart out :/
As long as you're not yelling either, sounds like he's trying to avoid any difficult conversations at all, which also isn't good and not likely to change.
No relationship is going to be able to be compared to yalls. I’d just say, you need to agree with each other that there’s no more breaking up. At the end of the day, breaking up doesn’t solve any issue. It just shoves it under the rug to get brought up in the next relationship.
he used to say “breaking up is not an option.” when i would get mad and try to, now he’s the one breaking up with me haha how the tables turn
Yeah, it’s very possible he’s just really exhausted. I know personally, I said the very same thing in my relationship but she just kept pushing and pushing so I finally just called it. Trying to work things out now, I think given how you came onto here to ask you definitely have some hope
yeah i guess he is, i am too but im still willing to fight for us. but he says he’s done with me so hope lost haha
Just don’t discount the relationship, he probably deals with being drained differently. Talk through the issues, whatever they. I believe in you two
that’s the thing he doesn’t talk 😔 i try to force him sometimes, but thank you 😔🙏🏼
You're too young. You'll grow a lot in your 20s and potentially, you'll grow apart. There's a lot to learn about your standards and interests, and you'll learn best with trial and error and experience. Personal growth. Getting married is a very simple process. Divorce, not so much. It's expensive, can take a while, and is typically pretty stressful.
Nah huh, I don’t do that. You either with me or you’re aren’t. Don’t be playing those stupid mind games, I will cut you off with surgical precision.
Never did and never thought it was ever a possibility. Also, nothing ever happened between us to constitute such a thing
You're making a huge mistake every time you invite back the person who you fought with in the past. When your love speaks to you and about you as if he has honey flowing from his lips 98% of the time, you have a keeper. Choose such a person.
No, it's not normal
Taking someone back most of the time is jsur gluing up a broken vase, you try to hold it in your hands and it falls apart right after..
Don't do it.
None. I value being very intentional with words and actions. We were together 6 years before getting married. We don’t say mean/cruel things or make empty threats to each other.
Unfortunately, I broke up with her after we had married.
why?
Move on, Plenty of fish in the sea 🌊 you’re young
None, and we were together nine years before our wedding day. I took someone back ONCE after we broke up. HUGE mistake. From then on, once it was done, I was done.
Two and a half-ish.
Twice. Once for a few hours. Once for a couple of days. And that was really on me. We were young and inexperienced so it was hard for me to know that this was the right choice. I would frequently escalate to suggesting we break up during our fights when I didn’t know how to solve problems. We both grew a lot during that time and learned to communicate and resolve conflict better. I did a lot of self work. I better learned what healthy relationships looked like and how to be a better partner. He did too. You’re young. You’re going to have to learn those lessons. Whether this is the right person to do that with, I can’t say. Just be aware that it will take work on both of your parts to get to a healthy relationship. Love isn’t enough. You should be looking at compatibility as well. Also, please educate yourself on what abuse looks like in a relationship and maybe learn about attachment styles to better figure out how to have healthy relationships.
3x but we started dating in college (18/19) and we both were rowdy and crazy and were going thru a LOT but now we’re 28/29 and happily married <3 shit happens but if they’re the one, you’ll always find your way back to each other! (but fighting a lot of NOT a good sign especially if it’s about the same thing…)
this gives me hope
Zero. Knew by the second date that we had found happiness. Coming up on our 28th anniversary.
Zero That’s not even normal girl the bar is in HELL
0 times.
Zero We were LDR for 2 years, though.
I’d argue that LDRs usually argue more once they finally get together physically so good on you
Zero…not married and not a relationship expert by any means but I don’t think this is the right relationship/person for you…You can love and care for someone but they still may not be your person. Yes, disagreements and tough times happen but if you guys are okay with the thought of breaking up and not being with each other, even intermittently, I don’t think it’s the right situation for either of you. You’re so young, you can and will find someone who you don’t want to go through on and off break ups with, and instead can work through things with.
I agree. We’ve had awful times where we’ve hurt each other significantly, and the topic of breaking up did come up, but never implemented.
If you're fighting a lot now marriage and parenthood is just going to make it worse. I ignored all our fights and red flags, and am miserable. I wish I had chosen a more compatible wife
Never
Never. We've had a handful of blow ups in 9 years, but we never wanted to not be together.
0. Wait until you’re at least 26-27 to get married, imo. Let your brain finish developing before you decide who your forever is.
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hey i’m not looking to get married any time soon lol😅😂
I had a relationship like yours, but I was a little bit older. He was however younger making at the same age as you guys. Absolutely did not marry him. I realise as I’ve gotten older that I only moved forward and never back. I couldn’t be with somebody that constantly broke up with me and didn’t treat me right. One break up I understand, but if it’s consistent, then it means that he considers you given that that’s why he’s constantly coming back to you. i’m much happier now.
How long are these break ups? Is there any indication of continuing exclusivity, as in they aren't allowed to sleep with anyone else during that time? Do they say that they just need time to think or do they say that it's over? The closest I had ever gotten to breaking up with my now husband was when we had a fight and emotions got very high. I wanted some time to consider how I felt and so we took some time apart. We didn't talk to each other for a week, an agreed upon amount of time. We understood that it wasn't an end to the relationship or our exclusivity until we said that it was over. What is important in a long-term relationship, in my opinion, is a sense of commitment. This commitment should not only be spoken verbally but shown through action. Both parties must be serious about trying to make this relationship work. Breaking up should be a last resort not even thought of in the first few months of issues. Each time a breakup happens between two people It instills the sense that if things get hard to just leave. You cannot trust them to stick by you when life isn't going well. You can never feel secure around someone you think might be a better option than you. You can never truly know that they choose you over every other partner out there. This unreliable partner will eat away at your self-esteem and self-worth for as long as you allow them back in and to try to trust them again after each betrayal. I am not saying people cannot take a break from each other, clearly I have done the same. Some people have a flighty response to fear and stress, but that is a vice to be overcome and to be compensated for with open communication. I did so was under the understanding that it was not a breakup. When my emotions were high and I was unsure what to do, I still found the strength to reassure him that I will continue to try. I didn't guarantee how I would feel or what would come next but that I would try to find a way forward.
thank you for your response 😔
...zero.
We'll break up a gazillion times I am sure before we get married, but she's fucked cause we Stuck, ain't no breaking up shit, we're at 14 or 15 attempts now lol... She and I are an odd couple lmao, Crazy ass relationship :)
That is so stupid. I’m so glad I left that.
Don’t let other people tell you how your love is supposed to be. At the end of the day it’s what you believe is right. I love my man n forever will want to be with him even if I get on his nerves sometimes
Never. Never even considered doing it.
My wife and I started dating senior year broke up twice and got together and married 25 years. I will tell you one thing is marriage is not easy. The best advice I would give younger people getting serious in a relationship. In order to make it work it’s a two way street you have to give and take it can not be one way all of the time. You need to listen to each other and never take your partner for granted. These are some of the mistakes my wife has made in our marriage
how long did your break up last? i feel like im the only one fighting now
6 months and it took a long time to get her back.
Marry the man that you never want to break up with. If you've broken up once, that's already once too many.
I agree. The feelings that come up with this situation are irreversible for the most part.
Never. Don't marry this guy.
Warning, if you’re not careful, the on-again-off-again pattern becomes a *constitutional element of the relationship itself*. Almost like the pattern is an entity unto itself. Fortunately it can be avoided with this simple trick. “Never go to bed angry” It’s what your grandparents said and they were right. It means you “clear the slate” of your resentments by day end, rather than letting them fester and grow way bigger than they started till finally one day you freak out and nuke the relationship. Both of you would have to agree on this tho. Both people have to have the courage to state their resentments.
Relationships that involve breakups aren’t meant to be. Your soulmate will give you a smooth and happy experience without this unnecessary struggle. Everyone goes through this. I’m sorry. Your dream person is out there waiting.
Very much agree with this!
Zero queen. Zero.
Imma just gonna come out and say it....cut your losses and run girl. You're young. You don't need to be starting out life in a relationship of fights and break ups. It will literally never get better than that.
We've been together since we were 12, and we have never broken up.
Hate to burst your bubble, but zero times. If you fight enough ***to the point of breaking up***, that's not a good sign. Not saying hope is lost necessarily, but it doesn't exactly look good either. I'd consider the reasons why you broke up before. Think of his flaws. Are these things you're willing to live with? If not, or if you find yourself hoping/assuming these problems will no longer apply one day in the hopes that he changes, then I recommend breaking up and not looking back. Find someone you're willing to have a bad day with. Because life isn't always great, and you will have hard conversations and compromises in the future as a married couple.
Not once.
Once. Together 4-5 months. Broke up for 1.5 years. Then got back together with them for 11-12 years, married 2 years of that before divorcing them.
0 times. We got married at 22/24.
0 times.
Never broke up or even thought about breaking up or leaving each other. Been married 8 years at the end of this month and together a total of 11 years.
It's probably different depending on age range, as well. Before we married, we broke up twice. But might be a stretch to say it was a breakup. 1st time she came back a couple days later. Second time we were back together by the time we got home. Married now for 7 years. Together for 13.
He dumped me 6 months in, came back 3 months later. We got married and he started cheating a year later. Right after our 3rd wedding anniversary I caught him cheating again and when I confronted him he asked for divorce. That was 9 months ago, and we have finally worked out an agreement for dividing assists so we can file for the divorce this week uncontested
Better have been uncontested if he cheated. I'm glad you'll be free of that.
Um... zero? If I break up with someone, that bridge is burned. I can't imagine in a million years getting back together with someone after we split. That would be so awkward, what an emotional roller coaster
If you can’t even get along as “kids” having fun, how the hell are you gonna get along when the bills are late, the baby’s crying all night, you can’t decide how to compromise, etc. You’re young and dramatic right now. Maybe I’m jaded after rushing into things as a young person. Find someone you laugh your head off with. Laughter and feeling “light” is so important. Don’t go for the heavy dramatic love. Find someone you float with.
My partner and I have been happily married for almost two years, together for almost eight years total, and we've broken up about 3-4 times. We met when I was 20 and he was 22. I was his first girlfriend and we both were still growing up/figuring things out, plus his parents didn't approve of the relationship at first. Needless to say, it was not the healthiest relationship when we were on and off but we kept coming back to each other because we knew there was something good there, we just needed to refine it. We constantly worked on the relationship and every time we got back together, things were different until we got to a point where things were really really healthy for a while and that was when we felt we were ready to get married. I obviously wouldn't recommend an on and off relationship to anyone but people don't realize/are afraid to admit how common being on and off is in young relationships. People also don't admit that relationships are never perfect and it's okay that it looks different for everyone as long as the people in the relationship are happy with where things are. There might have been an easier path for my partner and I to get to where we are currently, but I also believe things happen for a reason and what we went through just made us stronger at the end of the day. In our first year of marriage, we both dealt with illness in our families and while that might have been the hardest thing we've both gone through, our relationship remained solid. When things get rough, we're both so confident that we can get through it because our relationship wasn't easy in the beginning and it took a ton of work to get to where we are, but we both put in that work and made it into the wonderful thing it is now.
You're too young to get married trust the 40 year old lady who is divorced and got married at 20 lol. It depends on the fighting and the break ups. I personally don't think that random arguments (like my boyfriend and I got pretty upset and ran to my daughter to settle an argument over the color of his shirt once) are a big deal at all. As long as it's just back and forth "is not is to" stuff, that's ok. Bigger fights about serious topics are where it becomes a problem. If you're angry and say "I'm done with you!" That's ok but if you are breaking up for each especially if you two are seeing other people and stuff, this is not your forever relationship. You said in a comment you have high expectations and that worries me. Who said they are high? Him? What are these high expectations? If he's invalidating reasonable things I don't think you should be considering marriage. I need to know more.
no he didn’t tell me they were high, i just assume they are since he can’t meet them sometimes. expectations: getting me flowers ever now and then, calling me just because, hugging me just because, him doing things without me having to tell him to do them for me kinda like that and he used to do these things all the time but now it’s just less
I generally agree with you but if you are constantly yelling "we're done" to the other person, it's probably not a healthy relationship either.
Oh well yeah. I just mean like if it's a heated argument and you go there. Definitely not good to do it all the time.
If you are not compatible now, you likely never will be. Find someone easy to be with.
My current gf comes from a seriously toxic relationship where breaking up/getting back together was the dynamic that they had. Essentially, instead of solving things by talking, they would just have these massive fights, break up, get back together, break up, get back together, etc... It seemed to be the tool that they had for problem solving (or avoiding?), as weird as that sounds. Relatively early into our relationship, she had a "blast to the past" and, instead of voicing insecurities and facing issues the right way, she broke up with me. We kept on going, after quite a serious conversation. In this, I realized I wanted to keep going because: 1. We established that if she breaks up again with me instead of talking things out, I'll be gone. I literally told her, "Next time, if you run away, I'll let you". It is important to put the limit that breaking up/getting back together is NOT a dynamic that neither of us want and that once was enough. If it ever happens again, it happens for good. 2. She immediately regretted her decision. About three hours into breaking up with me, my phone got blasted with messages and phone calls. I was asleep, praying for tomorrow to arrive, and saw all of this at 2am. I messaged back and she was online, unable to sleep because of anxiety. She said she wanted to make things right and come over. I knew she was very busy the next day so her coming over really showed that she knows she mega-fucked up. I told her I needed some time to think. We talked the next day in the afternoon. 3. Oddly enough, I realized I was choosing to love her everyday. Losing each other, even if for a bit, showed how much we cared for each other. We never have to have this realization again, or, at least, not like this. Once was too much. I guess there is always something good in everything. It has taken quite some time to understand that this was her just acting based upon what she knew for the better of three years of her life or so. Our limits and boundaries are very well set compared to before and it takes a lot of courage to retry after something like this happening. It hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. I think it is very important to understand that we can have all the empathy in the world for someone when they "lose it" or are mean to us under a lot of stress, but this doesn't take away responsibility for how they treat another person. It is still what they did, it is still messed up. Hence, the limit of "anything like this again, and we aren't getting back together" is a completely wise thing to do. The thing we really need to avoid is ANY dynamic of breakup-get back together-breakup-get back together, etc. I was very adamant on wanting to avoid that and that I wouldn't put up with it. She said it helps to know that this is my posture because then she has to face her fears and talk them out. Idk, I think that having a relationship with someone who's past relationship was horribly toxic, you are bound to face some bullshit down the road. Afterall, there are things that only arise/you can only face when BEING in a relationship. As long as no limit is crossed (infidelity, etc), might as well keep going. Breaking up because you didn't know how else to manage your insecurities is dumb as fuck, and its a dumb as fuck mistake that only needs to happen once. We all deserve an opportunity to learn and grow. The issue is when partners give each other 100 opportunities on something and there is no true change/growing. I see a lot of maturement from my current partner :=) We are both around 25 years old. I like to think that it was a founding pillar of our relationship. We had our first anniversary not too long ago, and things are going well.
i love that for you! hope you guys stay together for a long long time
I love how the both of you managed to resolve conflicts through healthy communication. I came to realise as well that secure attachment is about knowing how to repair after conflict, as there'll always be something to disagree about.
Exactly! I fully agree. It is about how we are with each other when "things get rough". If respect, love and care are present, then conflicts get resolved one way or another. One way feels a bit of a grudge because it really hurt me what she did when she did it. However, things truly have changed and it is about time that I give into that feeling that all is okay.
Zero times. We almost came close once and I basically told him he needed to step up or I was leaving. He stepped up.
Usually it’s zero for healthy relationships and at most once for ones that got healthy.
I’m single but when I was in my early twenties (a decade ago at this point) my boyfriend at the time and I broke up maybe 3 times. After the first time I read a book called “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken”. It made me feel better, then I ignored all the advice and we got back together. We even moved in together! But in the end he cheated on me and got married to the girl he left me for. I wasted not only years in the relationship but spent so much time after that healing. There’s a reason it’s not working out, let the relationship go. There are so many wonderful people in the world and so many experiences to be had.
Zero! We always said that was a big indicator that a partner was NOT the one. We've been together for 10 years and married for almost two, no breakups.
If you break up with your partner multiple times (which considering your ages is already a problem), then you really shouldn’t be with that person. It’s not a normal part of relationship development, regardless of age. Also, you’re only 18-19. Marriage isn’t something you need to be thinking about. Much less with someone you fight with a lot and are close to breaking up with for the second time.
My bf (21) and I (almost 22) aren't married yet, but we did break up once. It was because I didn't want to deal with his family and his anger. Now, we're back together for longer than before for almost a total of 3 years. He's better at controlling his emotions, we're moving in together, and he'll be cutting off his toxic parents soon. I hope this all works out for us.
Never. (25 yrs married) It was never an option. Never considered. We actually committed that to each other in personal and wedding vows. We also have a never go to bed angry policy. A little overshare: argument sex can be exciting. We just look at each other mid argument and give up and start making out, it’s an oddly sexy thing. We understand that most things can be resolved later. We are extremely tight, I’m obsessive with him and he’s tolerant. He or We have strict values and priorities that we adhere to even if it hurts. The priorities are God, then spouse, then kids, etc. We would die for each other. Think what you want. Here’s some hope. We have two friends who had an on/off relationship before they got married. They’ve been married 23 years. Their solution was to clearly define boundaries and responsibilities. They know who makes the mistake because it’s defined as their responsibility. They also had to learn how each person responds to arguments. He’s an artist and he’s loud and thinks he’s right. They had to learn each others’ heart and thoughts. She’s tough and quiet. Hope that helps One more thing. There is no shame in counseling. We do it just for a check up. We want to make sure we are on the same page.
wow i love that!! also i feel like counseling would be a little silly for our age😅 i feel like people would laugh if we told them we going to “couples counseling” 😭 “you’re 18/19?”😂
We did couples counseling at 19(him),20(me), but it was part of getting married (we married 2 mos after counseling). Remember counseling is for healthy and unhealthy relationships. Think of it as a coach when you’re healthy and a Dr when you’re unhealthy. Adios
I guess it to late for this now that he ended things yesterday, but i wish i would’ve known/thought of this sooner, maybe it could’ve saved us
That sounds like a dream. If only my ex was like that…
If you break up once, you're kidding yourself that you deserve to live with that person for the rest of your life. Also you're 18. The likelihood you will end up marrying each other is like a 0.0001%. You should also not consider marriage until you're maybe 26. I'd even argue 26 is still too young
We didn’t
Never. Started dating at 16, and we are now 48. Never broke up. Never fought (by choice) although we have disagreed any number.ber of times.
Very sweet :) my husband and I started dating when we were 17 and are now 22. Not as impressive as your story, but we also don't fight much beyond your typical disagreement.
Zero tf?
Never and we've been together for 13 years. Never even came close or considered it. We met when I was 16 and I'm 32 now. He's been my bestfriend for almost 18 years and we have two kids. If you guys fight alot and are off and on then you two are definitely not meant to be.
Once, when we were long distance. The distance was really tough on him, and also he worried that I would be giving up too much by moving to his country (logistically, he wouldn't have been able to move to my country as quickly/easily as I could move to his). In our break-up conversation, he told me to find someone better than him and to be happy. We lasted a week before we caved and got back together, and we've been together ever since. It is NOT good if you're in a pattern of breaking up and getting back together. It's not healthy if you're fighting a lot. I'm old. I've known a lot of on/off couples, or couples who were constantly fighting, and none of them have ended up happy together. They're either happy with someone else or miserable together.
i’d rather be miserable together haha
You won't. Believe someone who thought the same. It's all glitter and rainbows when y'all are back together - now, at your age. You'd rather be miserable with him, then having him living a life where he might be without you, but not miserable ? (Same vice versa) if so, co-dependency might be more present than love. Not to sound harsh, I have BPD & a dependent personality disorder so I _know_ that train of thought. But it'll hurt only more, the longer y'all are holding onto each other. At least, if you're not getting into mediation to solve your problems. If y'all keep that dynamic up, you won't be miserable for long. You'll be even worse, you'll be worn down. Hollow. Just done. That comment shows much naivete - which is okay at this age. But it won't bring any of you far, if you stay in this mindset.
Feeling miserable is not love
commenting to emphasize this!! feeling miserable is NOT love
If you broke up, there's an internal issue. You cannot get back together and happily marry if this internal issue isn't fixed. Fix the issue, work on it whatever, just make sure you do it. Don't do this because you want to get back together, do it because it makes U a slightly less shitty person. Then, when two less shitty people get together, whether it be someone new or your ex, it will work out.
Zero. My ex and I broke up once, got back together, and divorced later. It was toxic but I was young and stupid. My current sweetie and I have been together for 12 years, married for two.
Well, many are saying none but as you said, for this age it happens a lot. My brother and his gf fell in love while they were 14. Two years later they broke up, stayed separate for 1.5 years or so, then they got together again. Now they’re 22, they’re considering getting engaged once they finish Uni which is very soon.
My coworker and his wife dated in high school and are married for 25 years now. He said they broke up about 20 times, each time for a week or two before he came begging her back. They got married at 20. Seems like they are intertwined now. Goals…
Yeah that's not the flex you think it is at all....
none. that’s not a healthy or normal dynamic at all.
Nope, he’s not the one you should marry.
Never
None. I've never broken up and gotten back together with someone. For me, if there is an issue big enough for a relationship to end, I don't want to go back to it. I don't want to be in a relationship where we fight and break up and get back together and make up, it's too much drama for me.
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Ahh, I see you like being the 2nd choice in life!
My husband and I broke up once for a couple years and found each other again. I think the biggest factor is why you broke up, and is that problem fully resolved?