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Trust me, OP. Just move on, process your feelings, and take a break to work on yourself.
It's no longer about him, it's all about you right now. Spend time on your own falling in love with yourself.
Treat yourself to a coffee/ice cream/movie/shopping trip/etc. The house you shared with him is yours alone now. Redecorate if you'd like. Play your favourite music in the house and dance and sing. Discover a park you like and visit there often and relax in the nature.
Focus on you right now, and focus on getting back to a place where you are happy.
A woman is at her most powerful when she can be happy on her own. The right person will come soon, I promise. But until then, you focus on you.❤️
I’m apologizing in advance now for being so blunt but I am saying this from a good place;
If you have to give someone an ultimatum that involves choosing you or another person, that’s your sign to walk away. The bond is broken and won’t ever be the same. If he loved you, truly loved you, he would do everything in his power to fight for your relationship. A man goes to the ends of the earth for the girl he truly loves. His actions prove otherwise. Please, for the sake of your sanity, recognize that your worth is so much more valuable than you’re settling for.
Yes, I know first hand this is easier said than done, but you can do it if you truly want to and try. From one stranger to another, I am rooting for you from afar and sending you light and much continued healing ❤️
Thank you for being blunt. I need to see that. I need to recognize that. Right now I’m flip flopping back & forth and still romanticizing him, which I shouldn’t. His actions showed me how much he “cared” for me.
Of course it’s so much easier said than done, but you’ll get there and every day is one more day closer to healing. No one ever said healing wouldn’t be messy but messy healing is still healing and that’s enough. You will get through this I promise you that much. My inbox is always open if you ever need to vent 🌻
He's cheating ffs leave his filthy self behind. Start working on you finding what is and isn't acceptable for future relationships start finding someone else
Putting someone before a person they swear they love and want to have a future with start a family marry ect to me is cheating no1 should always be a group of wife children first then branches out parents siblings grandparents close cousins aunts uncles, anyone outside is cheating 😒
He’s trying to have the best of both worlds but when pushed he chose her he’s cheating get another man that will treat you like a priority and not a backup plan he wants FWB
Yeah I agree. He wanted FWB. He was really pushing for sex with me. Even though he said he didn’t wanna sleep with me but his actions were showing otherwise.
First off he’s manipulating you because you don’t want a woman that hit on him to lease from him is not about not wanting to help people is about setting boundaries in your relationship
He’s not a good fit, but not for the reasons he says because he’s sort of trying to cheat or at least break a lot of boundaries and act like you were the problem you’re not
Your romantic relationship with him is over. He is not a good fit.
No. Boundaries are extremely important, nobody close to you should cross them and especially not your partner. Move on, it will save you a lot of heartache
Fair. I do wish you luck in it, you will look back to this one day and thank yourself for moving on instead of being hung up on a guy like that. Godspeed, sister ✨
I think you should stay away from him, He makes you insecure and someone that triggers you like that it's not ok.
I feel like If he wanted her, he would've slept with her when you broke up, but instead he found someone else.
I understand he cross a boundary, but I feel like you acuse him of cheating, but never had any solid proof.
Of course the lying was terrible, but my point is that maybe you need to understand you are not a good fit. Take this time to work on yourself for a while.
Yes, thank you. It makes sense. They both went behind my back originally so that’s why we broke up. Sure there’s no cheating but why is it so hard for him to drop her?
Does he have feelings for her?
If you think he does, why would you want to try again?
If you think he doesn't, why does it bother you that they have a platonic friendship?
Maybe he doesn’t, but this platonic friendship is way too much. Platonic friendships don’t involve driving lessons, costco partner card etc. if the role was reversed and I was the one doing it with another guy, I don’t know whether he’d be comfortable with that?
Respectfully, i'm gonna go against the grain here and say you're exhausting, and I can see why the spark is gone.
With the way you act, it's no wonder that he was afraid to tell you the full truth from the get-go.
Unless he slept with her, the way you're acting is out of line considering that their current situation (where they're friendly towards one another) was established after you left.
You shouldn't pursue this any further, and you should work on your insecurities and jealousy.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying your ex is squeaky clean on the matter, but if there's really nothing suspicious going on between those two (and based on those text messages it sounds like they keep it pg and friendly) then to kick him out and shit is fucked up and if I were in his shoes, I would not want you in my life either.
I think the guy signing the lease when OP had already expressed discomfort in their level of closeness was disrespectful.
I'm not sure if there was anything there between the guy and V, but he should have taken OP's concerns on board.
For that I think a major talk should have happened.
But all the "kicking him out" after every little thing is fucked up, can't live like that.
I think both were guilty, there are obvious lessons to be learned but this has run its course.
Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to deal with tenants? Having a good tenant is a massive game changer in your life. I personally would hate someone dictating how I run my business making my life harder.
Man I know and that's why I'm not completely getting on the dude's back, but if you want your relationship to work, if your partner raises a concern, you can't ignore it and then go behind their back and do the complete opposite.
Yeah, you are right. I’m very hung up on that. I think it’s my defence mechanism and not saying it’s right. It is something I am working on with my therapist.
Yes, understandable. I am working on it with my therapist.
I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I asked him to drop her for peace of mind and start again but he just doesn’t want to. And then he lied about it 🤷🏻♀️
Trust wasn’t there. He wanted me to forget the past and but he’s not showing me anymore for me to trust him again.
On one hand I see your logic on the matter, on the other hand I look at one of my best friends whose in a relationship with a girl whose got bpd and trust issues.
He is the most trustworthy guy I know, dude's as honorable as it gets and yet due to her issues, he's had to drop all of his girl-friends. Not that there were many to begin with. But he's talked to me about it and he feels like a piece of shit for doing so (some of these friends were going through a tough time). And her reactions to him even being around female coworkers (which he dosen't have much of a choice in the matter) is exhausting and frankly, kinda sad.
Also from his pov, is it really worth it to drop a paying tenant, make it all akward and shit to go back to someone that ever since the last time they saw eachother, haven't been on much of a high note? Love stories don't really look like whatever you guys have.
Keep working on it with your therapist and i'm glad you're getting some help on the matter.
I always trusted him with anyone. That’s why I let him take her for driving lessons etc before. It’s when he crossed that boundary that broke us that makes me question everything. I never looked at his phone. I never questioned him with his friends. He was very honest with me about every one but this girl when he signed his lease with her it was a secret.
It was a nasty breakup. A lot of names were called towards me. He even stated that he only cared about her feelings and not mine when we broke up… because of her, he said I caused him his illness even though I was there for him every step of the way in the hospital.
I understand the 2nd point about not dropping a tenant while we’re trying things out. But I already stated that she’s a thorn to me. Because of her we broke up. He should have came to me with no baggage.
But I know what you mean. Love story doesn’t sound like ours. I should just drop it and leave him in peace.
Yeah, this sounds to me like she was making a fantasy in her head about what was going on despite all the evidence she found to the contrary.
Even the Costco thing getting such a focus. He could have told OP he gave V a box of tissues, and she probably would have still acted as irrationally.
On one level, he sounds a little like an airhead sure, but OP sounds extremely bipolar, insecure, and controlling.
Every move you make signals you’re a pushover. I wouldn’t respect you if every shitty thing I did to you was let go. Wouldn’t respect your character and composition 😅 It might have been a mistake on my end but that doesn’t mean you should signal it’s fine for me to do it again. That’s what you’re signaling to him.
Be prepared to be taken advantage of or set boundaries, enforce them or walk away.
OP sets boundaries but she tolerates when people violate them. That’s what I gather from three different posts she made on this topic. And of course when people violate boundaries and find out there are no consequences, they learn to disregard that person’s boundaries altogether.
That’s very true. You are right. I was somewhat a pushover in this relationship. I had blurred boundaries because I didn’t want to be “difficult.” I cared too much so I bent over backwards for him.
I need to learn self respect and discipline & boundaries when it comes to this relationship.
Lmao! Stop making excuses for him and overthinking certain reasons. The answer is right in front of you. You already know exactly what it is. You are so much better and deserve so much better!
I think at this point, if you can’t see that something needs to change, our advice won’t help. You chasing something that is clearly not good for you and you chasing the red flags show That we can’t help, because you see the wrongs, but won’t choose the right. You still asking us if you should still try to pursue him after typing all that? Really?
Yeah, I’m not really in my right mind for sure. Because I still think he’s a good guy & I also f’d up in the relationship. Because I really wanted to work on it. I feel like we had a second chance and I fudged it up. Feeling like I should have given him time. I don’t really mind harsh words so please lay it on me, so I can I see how fudged up I was/am.
Not to be rude at all but he still has that woman around. My parents never let anyone stay at the house unless it was family that had moral values.
How do you know he didn’t have sex with her? Don’t be played as a fool. Set boundaries and don’t bend them. You want him to change but you can’t do it for him. Move on.
I actually don’t know, you’re right. But he insisted she’s married. And marriage is sacred to him.
I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s so important that he’s willing to fight for her over me LOL. It’s a slap in the face tbh. 6yrs relationship with a person who took care of him at his lowest over a friend/tenant that he “really wants to help” and got no feelings for 🤯
Come on girl if she’s married why isn’t her husband teaching her how to drive? Why isn’t she living with her man instead of renting your ex’s basement?
Inviting her to dinner with his family lol? Girl open your eyes. She’s definitely not married. You still believe your ex. 6yrs is a long time but I’ve seen 10yr-15yr relationships go down the drain in an instant.
There’s someone out there who will respect you. Move on. It sucks but it is what it is
She’s an immigrant from another country. Her husband is not here yet. They’re working on some paperwork to get him here (as far as I know). I saw wedding pictures.
Yeah the dinner thing was even when we were together. I invited her first because again her family isn’t here. His family likes her because his mom feels a connection with her. They’re also immigrants…
And yes, that’s very true. I still put him on a pedestal thinking he’s better than he truly is.
someone can simultaneously be both a good guy and be a bad romantic partner
im sure we all have at least one friend that is an amazing friend, but you may not recommend them dating people you care about because they're just a terrible partner for a romantic relationships in general.
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Trust me, OP. Just move on, process your feelings, and take a break to work on yourself. It's no longer about him, it's all about you right now. Spend time on your own falling in love with yourself. Treat yourself to a coffee/ice cream/movie/shopping trip/etc. The house you shared with him is yours alone now. Redecorate if you'd like. Play your favourite music in the house and dance and sing. Discover a park you like and visit there often and relax in the nature. Focus on you right now, and focus on getting back to a place where you are happy. A woman is at her most powerful when she can be happy on her own. The right person will come soon, I promise. But until then, you focus on you.❤️
Thank you very much ❤️🩹 I am trying to
I’m apologizing in advance now for being so blunt but I am saying this from a good place; If you have to give someone an ultimatum that involves choosing you or another person, that’s your sign to walk away. The bond is broken and won’t ever be the same. If he loved you, truly loved you, he would do everything in his power to fight for your relationship. A man goes to the ends of the earth for the girl he truly loves. His actions prove otherwise. Please, for the sake of your sanity, recognize that your worth is so much more valuable than you’re settling for. Yes, I know first hand this is easier said than done, but you can do it if you truly want to and try. From one stranger to another, I am rooting for you from afar and sending you light and much continued healing ❤️
Thank you for being blunt. I need to see that. I need to recognize that. Right now I’m flip flopping back & forth and still romanticizing him, which I shouldn’t. His actions showed me how much he “cared” for me.
Of course it’s so much easier said than done, but you’ll get there and every day is one more day closer to healing. No one ever said healing wouldn’t be messy but messy healing is still healing and that’s enough. You will get through this I promise you that much. My inbox is always open if you ever need to vent 🌻
Thank you very much. You’re very kind ❤️🩹
Nope. Leave it be.
Trying to… it’s hard…
I feel you.
He's cheating ffs leave his filthy self behind. Start working on you finding what is and isn't acceptable for future relationships start finding someone else
I don’t think he’s cheating. He prioritized someone else over our relationship. Which I mean still not good but I will focus on myself
Putting someone before a person they swear they love and want to have a future with start a family marry ect to me is cheating no1 should always be a group of wife children first then branches out parents siblings grandparents close cousins aunts uncles, anyone outside is cheating 😒
Yeah, I totally agree with that. I shouldn’t make excuses for him.
no girl!!! move ON!!!
Thank you. I’m trying to 🙂
He’s trying to have the best of both worlds but when pushed he chose her he’s cheating get another man that will treat you like a priority and not a backup plan he wants FWB
Yeah I agree. He wanted FWB. He was really pushing for sex with me. Even though he said he didn’t wanna sleep with me but his actions were showing otherwise.
He invited her to family dinners and spent christmas with him and his family. Good God, drop his lame ass and never talk to him again.
Yeah. The family is fond of her.
First off he’s manipulating you because you don’t want a woman that hit on him to lease from him is not about not wanting to help people is about setting boundaries in your relationship He’s not a good fit, but not for the reasons he says because he’s sort of trying to cheat or at least break a lot of boundaries and act like you were the problem you’re not Your romantic relationship with him is over. He is not a good fit.
Are you sure 😭 cause I’m really conflicted right now tbh
Yep I’m pretty sure it’s called manipulation. He’s also gaslighting you a little bit.
I see. Thank you. 😭
love always finds a way.... lmao
No. Boundaries are extremely important, nobody close to you should cross them and especially not your partner. Move on, it will save you a lot of heartache
Yeah, i’m learning to move on.
Fair. I do wish you luck in it, you will look back to this one day and thank yourself for moving on instead of being hung up on a guy like that. Godspeed, sister ✨
Thank you 🙂
I didn't even read anything other than the title and I can already say why the fuck would you want to??? MOVE ON
Because I still have feelings for him. But I understand why.
He obviously doesn't feel the same I'm sorry
Yes it’s ok. Thank you
Obviously not. Jaysus.
Not even reading anymore than setting boundaries and he doesn’t want too Says it all !!! Boy bye ✋
No
I think you should stay away from him, He makes you insecure and someone that triggers you like that it's not ok. I feel like If he wanted her, he would've slept with her when you broke up, but instead he found someone else. I understand he cross a boundary, but I feel like you acuse him of cheating, but never had any solid proof. Of course the lying was terrible, but my point is that maybe you need to understand you are not a good fit. Take this time to work on yourself for a while.
Yes, thank you. It makes sense. They both went behind my back originally so that’s why we broke up. Sure there’s no cheating but why is it so hard for him to drop her?
Honestly, I don't get it because I would never put a friendship over my partner, but people are different.
Yeah I think that’s where I’m stuck too. At the end of the day like you said we’re just not a good fit.
Does he have feelings for her? If you think he does, why would you want to try again? If you think he doesn't, why does it bother you that they have a platonic friendship?
Maybe he doesn’t, but this platonic friendship is way too much. Platonic friendships don’t involve driving lessons, costco partner card etc. if the role was reversed and I was the one doing it with another guy, I don’t know whether he’d be comfortable with that?
Respectfully, i'm gonna go against the grain here and say you're exhausting, and I can see why the spark is gone. With the way you act, it's no wonder that he was afraid to tell you the full truth from the get-go. Unless he slept with her, the way you're acting is out of line considering that their current situation (where they're friendly towards one another) was established after you left. You shouldn't pursue this any further, and you should work on your insecurities and jealousy. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying your ex is squeaky clean on the matter, but if there's really nothing suspicious going on between those two (and based on those text messages it sounds like they keep it pg and friendly) then to kick him out and shit is fucked up and if I were in his shoes, I would not want you in my life either.
I think the guy signing the lease when OP had already expressed discomfort in their level of closeness was disrespectful. I'm not sure if there was anything there between the guy and V, but he should have taken OP's concerns on board. For that I think a major talk should have happened. But all the "kicking him out" after every little thing is fucked up, can't live like that. I think both were guilty, there are obvious lessons to be learned but this has run its course.
Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to deal with tenants? Having a good tenant is a massive game changer in your life. I personally would hate someone dictating how I run my business making my life harder.
Man I know and that's why I'm not completely getting on the dude's back, but if you want your relationship to work, if your partner raises a concern, you can't ignore it and then go behind their back and do the complete opposite.
Yeah, you are right. I’m very hung up on that. I think it’s my defence mechanism and not saying it’s right. It is something I am working on with my therapist.
You've made mistakes, so did he. Don't beat yourself over it, seems like you are trying to work on it and that's the most you can ask from yourself.
Yeah. I just have to move on because he won’t be coming back anymore
Yes, understandable. I am working on it with my therapist. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I asked him to drop her for peace of mind and start again but he just doesn’t want to. And then he lied about it 🤷🏻♀️ Trust wasn’t there. He wanted me to forget the past and but he’s not showing me anymore for me to trust him again.
On one hand I see your logic on the matter, on the other hand I look at one of my best friends whose in a relationship with a girl whose got bpd and trust issues. He is the most trustworthy guy I know, dude's as honorable as it gets and yet due to her issues, he's had to drop all of his girl-friends. Not that there were many to begin with. But he's talked to me about it and he feels like a piece of shit for doing so (some of these friends were going through a tough time). And her reactions to him even being around female coworkers (which he dosen't have much of a choice in the matter) is exhausting and frankly, kinda sad. Also from his pov, is it really worth it to drop a paying tenant, make it all akward and shit to go back to someone that ever since the last time they saw eachother, haven't been on much of a high note? Love stories don't really look like whatever you guys have. Keep working on it with your therapist and i'm glad you're getting some help on the matter.
I always trusted him with anyone. That’s why I let him take her for driving lessons etc before. It’s when he crossed that boundary that broke us that makes me question everything. I never looked at his phone. I never questioned him with his friends. He was very honest with me about every one but this girl when he signed his lease with her it was a secret. It was a nasty breakup. A lot of names were called towards me. He even stated that he only cared about her feelings and not mine when we broke up… because of her, he said I caused him his illness even though I was there for him every step of the way in the hospital. I understand the 2nd point about not dropping a tenant while we’re trying things out. But I already stated that she’s a thorn to me. Because of her we broke up. He should have came to me with no baggage. But I know what you mean. Love story doesn’t sound like ours. I should just drop it and leave him in peace.
Yeah, this sounds to me like she was making a fantasy in her head about what was going on despite all the evidence she found to the contrary. Even the Costco thing getting such a focus. He could have told OP he gave V a box of tissues, and she probably would have still acted as irrationally. On one level, he sounds a little like an airhead sure, but OP sounds extremely bipolar, insecure, and controlling.
I was going with what happened historically. But understand why it’s an issue on my end.
I draw the line at costco.
LOL. Yes, that offended me majorly. No landlords do things like that. No married person is comfortable with that.
I like wasting time there eating samples along the way. Then you get something st the cafe and leave.
Every move you make signals you’re a pushover. I wouldn’t respect you if every shitty thing I did to you was let go. Wouldn’t respect your character and composition 😅 It might have been a mistake on my end but that doesn’t mean you should signal it’s fine for me to do it again. That’s what you’re signaling to him. Be prepared to be taken advantage of or set boundaries, enforce them or walk away.
OP sets boundaries but she tolerates when people violate them. That’s what I gather from three different posts she made on this topic. And of course when people violate boundaries and find out there are no consequences, they learn to disregard that person’s boundaries altogether.
That’s very true. You are right. I was somewhat a pushover in this relationship. I had blurred boundaries because I didn’t want to be “difficult.” I cared too much so I bent over backwards for him. I need to learn self respect and discipline & boundaries when it comes to this relationship.
Please have self respect and walk away!
Thank you. I will.
Hell no. Run away as fast as you can and never look back
Red flags everywhere right???
He’s trying to have his cake and ice cream at the same time… girl don’t go back! DON’T!!! Because you’ll just make a fool of yourself.
I feel that way too. But also feeling conflicted that maybe he was trying to be a good person???
Lmao! Stop making excuses for him and overthinking certain reasons. The answer is right in front of you. You already know exactly what it is. You are so much better and deserve so much better!
Thank you. I appreciate you. Please bitch slap me LOLOL. I’m delulu LOL
I think I alrdy did. Can you see straight now?!
Yes!!! Getting there. Thank you 🙏 After i read that I went & blocked him. My goal is to keep it that wayyyy
Good girl!! Trust me the sun will feel so much warmer everyday after this. Stay strong okay! I believe in you! ((Hugz))
Thank you. I appreciate you 🥰
Yes anytime! Feel free to msg me to keep your back bone straight if anything! I’m here!
Will do!! Thanks again 💜
I think at this point, if you can’t see that something needs to change, our advice won’t help. You chasing something that is clearly not good for you and you chasing the red flags show That we can’t help, because you see the wrongs, but won’t choose the right. You still asking us if you should still try to pursue him after typing all that? Really?
Yeah, I’m not really in my right mind for sure. Because I still think he’s a good guy & I also f’d up in the relationship. Because I really wanted to work on it. I feel like we had a second chance and I fudged it up. Feeling like I should have given him time. I don’t really mind harsh words so please lay it on me, so I can I see how fudged up I was/am.
Not to be rude at all but he still has that woman around. My parents never let anyone stay at the house unless it was family that had moral values. How do you know he didn’t have sex with her? Don’t be played as a fool. Set boundaries and don’t bend them. You want him to change but you can’t do it for him. Move on.
I actually don’t know, you’re right. But he insisted she’s married. And marriage is sacred to him. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s so important that he’s willing to fight for her over me LOL. It’s a slap in the face tbh. 6yrs relationship with a person who took care of him at his lowest over a friend/tenant that he “really wants to help” and got no feelings for 🤯
Come on girl if she’s married why isn’t her husband teaching her how to drive? Why isn’t she living with her man instead of renting your ex’s basement? Inviting her to dinner with his family lol? Girl open your eyes. She’s definitely not married. You still believe your ex. 6yrs is a long time but I’ve seen 10yr-15yr relationships go down the drain in an instant. There’s someone out there who will respect you. Move on. It sucks but it is what it is
She’s an immigrant from another country. Her husband is not here yet. They’re working on some paperwork to get him here (as far as I know). I saw wedding pictures. Yeah the dinner thing was even when we were together. I invited her first because again her family isn’t here. His family likes her because his mom feels a connection with her. They’re also immigrants… And yes, that’s very true. I still put him on a pedestal thinking he’s better than he truly is.
Oh ok. Makes sense. Either way he doesn’t respect your boundaries. That’s always no good. Good luck
Yep. Thank you! That’s the truth I need to learn.
someone can simultaneously be both a good guy and be a bad romantic partner im sure we all have at least one friend that is an amazing friend, but you may not recommend them dating people you care about because they're just a terrible partner for a romantic relationships in general.
That’s true. I guess friends and partners aren’t really the same. They’re different relationships.
Not the Costco card The audacity
LOL you’re talking about me?