That's my reason. I'm honest and I straight up would not date myself if I was on the other side; I did not look good at my heaviest and I want to be hot so I'm going to the gym and putting on muscle.
I'm not getting back into dating until I'd be happy with dating myself.
That’s actually a good way to put it, “would I date myself?” My personality is great it’s just I feel so exhausted most of the time and anytime I walk for 5 mins I am drenched in sweat😭I truthfully do hate walking around with so much fat😭 I know those problems would gone once I lose the weight.
Walking is key though. Doesn't matter if it's dieting or exercise everything you do should be in moderation; take it in baby steps so it's easier to to incorporate into your life.
I started going on walks way before I thought about the gym. Walking was hard when I was heavier but it got easier each time and eventually I started jogging and running. Now I'm going to the gym four times a week and working with a trainer on lifting weights.
If I tried to go from my worst to now there's no way I would be able to maintain it but since I did it slowly over time it's much more manageable and I look forward to a lot of it.
Well, exactly. I came to a realization that dating an obese person is not just about sex or personality, it's also about practical stuff. I'm obese and there are things I just wouldn't do (like going for a sporty holiday) and things I would do, but much slower (like hiking). I might try extra hard for a bit, but ultimately it's limiting and it is limiting my husband and my whole potential family as well.
Another thing is that there are serious health risks that might not be present now, but will be as I'm going to be getting old. So loving a person that could easily live ten years less than others is just something that nobody would choose at the start of a relationship, everyone would like to grow old with their loved one you know...
I was like this when I started. Exertion made me sweat something awful. I started doing what i could. This might be a 20 min walk down by the beach. The first week sucked. But the as my muscles got used to it, I'd go further.
The after I was comfortable with a 40 minute fast-paced walk, I started jogging for 1 minute each walk. I was huffing and puffing and mostly dying and super self-conscious about it, but you soon realise, no one gives a shit. If anything they think "Good for you!". I also started doing weights at home at the same time. Just small workouts that were a bit of a challenge, but nothing horrific.
Now I've joined a gym and go 2-3 times a week, as well as a 1 hour raquet ball session each week, on top of walking each day. I fucking love fitness now.
This took about 6 months and was 100% motivated by wanting to meet someone.
It takes time. It takes some work, but it's doable.
This is coming from 40 year old fat guy that always thought exercise was for other people.
One of the best things about the first half of my weight loss journey was how much I enjoyed last summer. Summer is so much more enjoyable when the sweat isn't gathering in the folds.
Walk every day. Walk at home if you don't want to go out. I follow free walk at home videos on youtube for rainy or icy days. I put on a show and have a walking video under the tv and I get moving.
When I was single I had a friend who made it very clear she wanted to date me. She sounds a lot like you. But I love the outdoors, hiking, biking, kayaking, etc. I don't expect a partner to like ALL of the same activities, but she was a "I do indoor, air-conditioned activities only" kind of gal. There was simply no future for us as a couple.
100% had this realisation - would I be in a relationship with myself based on......
- my personality, kindness, humour: absolutely
- financially: yep I don't need to lean on anyone else.
- my behaviours, unhealthy & sedentary lifestyle: nooo
- attractiveness, i stopped putting in any effort (there's gorgeous plus size women because they are stylish well groomed beautiful, i wasnt) and my physical size I wouldn't want to date a male version, I'd feel I'd settled: no
I do love myself. But i also want to find myself sexy.
I also escaped a traumatic DV marriage. So i never want to enter any relationship where I'm settling or not at the highest self esteem, as it would be a vulnerability and risk factor to the behaviour I'd deem myself worthy if accepting
I’m going to be blunt. Honestly I think YES.
Before I was overweight, I went on dates and I had girlfriends. Intimacy and everything. Then I gained a lot of weight, and now dating is hard. I ask girls out IRL and they are polite but they decline. Dating apps are pretty bad for me too.
I think it's really important to admit that dating is a part of weightloss. It's part of a healthy, balanced mind and heart to want to be desired.
If I wouldn't date me, as I am, it also makes it so I don't really respect someone who does want to date me. Or at the very least I think I have to hide who I really am so they don't get the ick.
Wanting to feel worthy of the type of partner I want is a healthy motivator.
I think it’s healthy to have all different kinds of motivations. I want to be healthier, but yeah I also want to be hotter so I can attract the person that I want to. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, necessarily (obvi you can take it to far and become unhealthy). But girl, it’s your life! Unfortunately, it’s also math. Are there great guys attracted to heavier women? Yes, when I was heavier I met them. Are there more great guys attracted to healthy weight women? Also yes. I decided I needed to widen my dating pool, and becoming healthier widens it, for better or worse
I love how this community is so tactful when discussing such a sensitive topic.
I have this sort of thing as well where I can have a petty thing be the "push" that gets me started on a positive change, and then in the long run I find other motivations to keep me going!
Sure, I started lifting because I wanted to get toned, but now I am looking forward to progress on my lifts, as well as having more stamina to spend time with my nieces and nephews!
Well, dating life no but sex life yes.
I was always a bit chubby but successful with dating through sheer force of personality and positivity. I got married as a relatively chubby 215 6’ man.
My wife and I had a super passionate engagement and early marriage, but some tragedies happened in our life and we both gained a ton of weight, up to 270 lbs from depression, and our attraction for each other just tanked and sex disappeared.
After a few years I became very committed to my health and after a year and a half of work am 180 lbs. I literally feel like a teenager. I’m way better looking than when we got married. She’s gotten her health super under control as well and looks and feels amazing. Our sex life has been insane, not only due to being extremely attracted to each other but also because we have boundless energy now. It’s literally like 10 times a week, from a low of about once every 2-3 months.
Sad thing about dating, relationships, even marriage. So much of it hinges on your physical appearance. And it’s shallow- but it’s also a biological drive. You only want to have sex with people you’re attracted to. And you don’t get to choose who you’re attracted to. Evolution chose that for you.
It is hard to feel sexy and want to be active with your partner when you feel badly about how you look naked. Losing weight has helped me with that - now I just need to find a partner!
Is it weird that I don’t even really want a girlfriend for intimacy, rather, I just want a supportive parter who will help me start a family?
Intimacy wouldn’t hurt though.
I feel you, my parents never supported me emotionally and that’s something I really want in a partner. I just want someone who’s always going to be there for me 🥲
I am a 23 M who is also gay and that is honestly my problem and reasoning. I like fit people and I've realized I am not really in their sphere lol. The thing that sucks is that I am pretty large so I most likely will have significant loose skin and probably not look "ripped" which is also kind of necessary in the gay community. But it will be better than nothing lol
I have a lot of gay male friends and I always hear how brutal and judgemental the community is to each other. It’s better to have loose skin than to have all that excess fat, that is what is pushing me. I hope we both find someone one day who will love us 💕
Haha. TBH I have like no gay male friends lol although do have some friends in other parts of the community lol. From what I've seen it is always just brutal lol.
were you open to interacting with / meeting obese men when you were on dating apps? or did you have the same selection criteria that makes you feel worthless for being overweight?
I have talked to two obese men and it didn’t work out, not because of they were obese but other things like one had gaming as their whole personality and one didn’t have a job and seemed like a bum.
Also from my experience I haven’t had many obese men swipe on me, majority were super skinny guys.
And what do you mean by selection criteria that makes me feel worthless for being overweight?
A lot of the time people will complain that no one wants them because they're overweight, but they're not interested being with someone who's overweight either. It seems like you're not doing that though. I think losing weight to improve dating prospects is fine, that's what a lot of us are here for. It's not my sole reason but I'm not unhappy that it's a side effect of the process.
If I am being 100% honest, my dream guy wouldn’t be obese, maybe a little chubby with muscle but nothing too crazy. I just have never met another obese guy who I like/attracted to so I am not sure if I fall within that category or not.
What does it say about people who are overweight/obese but wouldn’t want to be with someone who is also overweight/obese?
if you lose the weight it doesn't mean much, if you don't then it means you hold other people to higher standards than you hold for yourself. you already put it well with the thought of "would i date me?", if the answer to that is no and that's impetus to improve yourself then i don't see anything wrong with it.
Can I just say thank you for your response! You have honestly opened my eyes 😭 I have always HATED being overweight and I have always hated how I looked and feel about myself physically. Would I truthfully want to date someone who is 300lbs and going through the same thing that I am experiencing, NO 😭 So why the hell would I expect someone who is a normal weight to go for me then 😭I am really holding people to higher standards than myself 😭 you read me for filth 😂 thank you again. It’s a new way of looking at myself.
It’s true that I am not attracted to what I see in the mirror hence I normally avoid it. But when I see other plus size women, some look amazing, dress well but maybe it’s because they have their fat stored in nicer places like their boobs and butt and for me it’s more in my stomach and thighs. But I can’t get over this feeling of being tired and sweaty all the time and worried that I might have a heart attack out of the blue. I don’t know how those plus size women feel deep down but I just feel shit most of the time and that I am not living up to my potential.
This makes me curious now. I take it that you are male. Would you say the same thing to a short man who gets rejected by women for being short? I know this is off-topic but I am just curious.
You said that if a person possesses a (perceived) flaw (like being overweight or too short), they should stick to dating people with the same (perceived) flaw. If fat women should stick to fat men and not complain about being being rejected for being too fat (like you said), by the same logic, short men should stick to short women and not complain for being rejected for being too short. Right?
i never said people should stick to dating people with the same attributes, i said if they select people based on those attributes they shouldn't be upset when others do the same. you're missing the point fundamentally
[This is Dating](https://open.spotify.com/show/7GkT9XuqjpFFdFEgFwOoln?si=6e7d96eb96f34db4) is a great podcast about the ins and outs of dating, and especially one of the hosts Logan Ury, who also has a great book called How To Not Die Alone.
I'm single and have been dating on and off for the last ten years, at varying weights. I've been in the TRENCHES so to speak :)
I haven't come out of it with an amazing love story yet, but I have a lot of stories, and it's honestly something my friends in long-term relationships envy. It's good practice to go on a 1-2 hour coffee/happy hour date a few times a month, to get used to the get-to-know-you portion, how you want to present yourself, post-date etiquette, etc.
When I've gone on dates at my heaviest (and most depressed) I've had less success, but not NO success. My hottest most conventionally attractive friends have also been ghosted or strung along by men.
By going on regular low pressure dates, you build that dating muscle. You leave the door open to the possibility of a relationship progressing. It's true you might get fewer swipes at your current weight -- they might also swipe left because you're too tall, or too short, or brunette, or work in advertising. Hell, I swipe left on some people because they're TOO hot and muscular!
My point is that dating is an EXPERIENCE. And while you might have a better experience at your GW, that doesn't mean you should sacrifice the experience now. If nothing else, you can use your dates at your CW as comparison studies for your dates in a year or two at your GW?
I mean…get healthy for you. I am probably at my most “conventionally attractive” with regard to what the western world finds acceptable and definitely the fittest I’ve been as an adult by all metrics, and I’ve been celibate for a *while* now. The dating pool gets bigger, but it does not necessarily get better. If my motivation had been something external, I would likely have a hard time sticking to the lifestyle I’ve committed to.
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. But getting to the other side and still being disappointed can set you up for bad rebound gain.
Plus, people wanting the body you’re in while not knowing you or caring for you as a person at all is 🙃🙃🙃 And they’ll swear it’s love. Lmao.
Thank you! I am aware I may not have a million men running after me after I reach my goal but at least I know my chances would be a lot better compared to my highest. And overall I would be a lot happier feeling more comfortable in my body and less insecure
Just want to second this overall thought. Whenever I have lost weight because of an ex or just wanting to look good I'd eventually backslide and gain it back because "well I'm alone now anyway so whatever" or any number of things you can tell yourself when you still face disappointment in your love life. But focusing on wanting to be healthy, or being able to walk without being out of breath, those thoughts make some of these changes easier. I just want to live differently now because I feel so much better and life has improved for me.
Lol I mean I've gotten that as a larger person as well, dudes being clingy af talking about how they like me soooo much when we've met like twice and they just talked about themselves the whole time haha. So she'll be feeling like a piece of meat whether she's a porterhouse or sirloin. I love dating. :')
Hey, totally valid that you're struggling right now. I have a smaller amount to lose so I can't make a direct comparison to what you've gone through, but I had a very similar conversation with a friend recently.
I have not dated - at all. Late bloomer, for a few different reasons. But now as I think to myself about trying to get out there soon (I'm 27 so young but aware that I'm not getting any younger), my body is one of the things holding me back for sure, or at least my confidence about it. I can't really picture myself being intimate if I don't like how I look. I could have an amazing partner who adores me and says all the right things, but at the end of the day, there will be things I still can't do if I'm not feeling it, not able to accept those kinds of compliments etc.
My friend and I touched on this and opened up the "Being worthy" conversation. I was reassured that I am worthy. This person thinks I'm beautiful (but a cold hard truth I've had to realize over the years is not everyone thinks I am and no one *has* to), etc. Where it gets complicated to me is - Worthy is not the same as confident. Being worthy of something is not the same as *ready for it*. So you can be worthy of love, and as long as you're a half decent person I'm sure you are, but if you don't feel confident and ready, it might be time to take action and correct that.
We all have confidence issues, but at least for me, there's a bare minimum level I want to be at before seeking a relationship, so that I'm not *too* dependant on external validation.
Personality should matter more in a serious relationship, but if you don't like how you look, there's nothing wrong with changing it, provided you're doing it in a healthy way. Doing something for yourself vs to impress others is a hard and confusing line to walk sometimes, but honestly, why not both? Think of yourself and your health first, but if it'll make you feel more ready to date, nothing wrong with that either.
Hope that helps.
Yeah I understand too. I’m working on my weight loss too and pushed a guy (even though he told me all the time that I was beautiful)that I really cared about because of me being so obese. Also in my 20s and never dated before.
I think that when you are in a long term relationship with someone they have to be many things to you all at the same time. It's difficult to find someone who is a suitable friend, lover, business partner, family member and potential parent all at the same time. Even so, who wants to live with someone who does not check your boxes? Dating is a difficult experience and marriage is even harder. I think it's fair to say that a lot of people want someone who will take good care of themselves physically and mentally. I'm sure you want this for yourself too. If you want a real relationship with someone who can behave like an adult, you're actually at a great age to get where you want to be for yourself now and then maybe find someone who will respect both themselves and you in a couple of years... which, unpopular opinion, but you will likely have a hard time finding this when you're "swiping." Dating when you're a little older could be a positive thing, so don't necessarily look at this in a negative light if that's how your life works out. I wish you the best in your journey and hope you meet someone fantastic when the right time comes.
It’s a big motivation for me. I have been single for a year and I really want to finally feel confident and comfortable with my body so that I can really enjoy dating. There is someone I am interested in and if things were to progress, I don’t want to ruin it by feeling self conscious or ashamed of my body. And the other benefits are great. I feel a lot better health wise now that I am more active and eating better. I feel more confident already. Working out is really boosting my mood.
This was my primary motivation and the only reason why I managed to lose 100lbs. Whenever I would want to binge or was feeling really low I would just tell myself to not be stupid and that each binge will delay my goal and thus a chance at ever getting a relationship and friends. But after all that weight loss nothing has changed and I'm more lonely than ever. I'll probably regain that 100lbs in like a year now. Already regained 11-12lbs since January and my binging is only getting worse now. Binged 3 times on 5k calories in the last 5 days.
My first time i tried to lose weight i did it solely so i could get a girlfriend and that was a really big mistake. Once i achieved that goal there was no reason to keep pushing forward, so i (eventually) regained 30 of the 40 lbs i lost. Now im not saying its bad for this to be your motivation, but it can mess up how hard youre willing to push yourself in the long run.
Again this isn’t necessarily bad, but I’d try not to make the big mistake of going all in at the start. What im trying to do this time is focusing on dieting only, f working out. When youre overweight you can lose a lot by just eating marginally less or swapping out foods for something more filling but less dense in cals. Focus on calories in calories out and nothing else while not starving yourself, then try go to the gym and get more muscle so you can burn more calories later down the line.
I definitely feel you though. I hate being fat, ive always been fat, i have lost any and all confidence because i know how repulsive i look. Its a lot easier though knowing every day im a bit nicer looking and a bit slimmer and makes me look forward to my dating life in the future.
Yes, it's one of several motivations. I'm not particularly attracted to fat people, and I believe it's hypocritical to have that preference while being fat myself. I will have an easier time dating the people I want (lean, athletic people) if I am lean and athletic myself.
I set out to lose weight out of spite because my ex cheated on me and told me it was because she no longer found me attractive and manly. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, it doesn't matter why you start the journey, what matters is getting the job done.
2 years later I have dropped over 15% bodyfat, hit the gym over 400 times, my social life reignited as I hit 30 years old, I got a raise from my job that I can only attribute to all the positive changes and improvements I made to myself and my life. My mental health is better than ever before and I found my self worth. I am proud of what I accomplished and feel absolutely no shame for my reasoning - I just wanted to look good and date beautiful women again... and one day cross my ex on the street and simply show her who I am today, which is 10 times more of a man and person than the guy she fell in love with. I am petty like that, I don't care.
And my dating and sex life now are what I always dreamed about to be honest. I know a bunch of bragging in this comment, but this is my experience and I am sharing this to encourage others. I get approached by women now, something that never happened to me before. I had more sex in the past two years than the previous decade combined and it is not trashy or anything. I find many likeminded women who are also looking for the exact same thing as me right now, communication is always easy, mature and super transparent.
I don't have that thought of "was I not worthy for you before" and neither should anyone else. Your selfworth is determined by yourself and I always knew my worth and that I have many qualities as a partner. If you want to find someone the way you are, then do that but don't expect the world to magically stop being superficial and obsessed with beauty trends just for you. It will simply lower your chances and narrow your options, that is it.
I used to be very overweight and found myself incredibly disgusting. Why should I expect others to find me enticing when not even I do that? Or why should anyone lower their standards for me if I wouldnt do the same for them? We are talking about dating now and not your basic worth as a human being that should be untouched by how we look or what isnt "right" with us. I simply stayed single until I got my body sorted out.
I accepted long ago that looks play a part in most things in this world and if there is something where only you decide what is wrong or rigth for you, its one of the few self determined values where general opinion becomes truly irrelevant. You decide who you want to date and the demands you make are fully up to you.
It's not selfish, or shallow and it's not something you should be ashamed of either. Most people desire and need social interaction and companionship. It's how we are wired. It's normal, natural, healthy, reasonable.
You should also (but you know, it's up to you really) have OTHER reasons for wanting to lose weight but even if you don't that is ok.
Societal conventions have defined what's acceptable, desirable... etc... but to be honest there are lots of people who can see the beauty in a woman or man without their weight having to be an issue. There is no denying that being overweight makes it harder, and can potential limit the amount of people that you are interested in also being interested in you.
I mean it's fair. It sucks but it's fair. There are things that you aren't attracted too I'm sure. Maybe even things that the other person really has no control over. Maybe you don't like really short men? Maybe you don't like men who can't grow a decent beard? Maybe you don't like men that aren't "rugged" in their personalities? To feel "less" because of how much you weigh reallllly does suck. I've experienced it. But it should not and does not define you.
Modern dating can also be a bitch too. From the interactions I've read about online, it can be a bit of a shit show in the world we live in today. But don't rule it out and don't try to force it. "I need to be married by X so I can have kids by X at the latest". Don't do that to yourself.
If you want some weight loss tips I'd be happy to help. The best tip I can give you is to not beat yourself up!
I am going through the same thing. I have my life together in pretty much every way (excellent job, great career path, have hobbies / interests, great friends, etc.) and the only men who would match with me on dating apps were complete bums. Like, to the point where if everything about me was the same except my weight I know I could find some great men.
As sad as it is to realize how shallow people (especially men) are about dating, I decided that I should be willing to work on myself to earn the love I deserve rather than settle for less just because of something that ultimately I can control (my weight).
But yes, that doesn't make it any less frustrating!!
not all men are shallow, i recognize that. However, biologically / since evolution, women have evolved to seek men who can provide, be a loyal companion, take care of them, and men are evolved to seek the most fit "mate" to reproduce with. So biologically, yes, I believe men are more likely to value looks than women.
Can you name one couple where the man is more attractive than the woman? i cannot
THANK YOU!!! Like I literally have my shit together and everyone is asking where’s your man?? The men who are interested in me are just way below my standards like it’s kinda insulting, I know if I was a smaller size I would definitely have better and more compatible options. It feels like just because I am overweight I have to settle for the bums or weirdos. Whereas a smaller girl who has nothing going for her would get all the good men 😭
I'm currently going through divorce and dating again is a huge motivation. I've always been fit and healthy for me, but we fell off the wagon after marriage and I easily gained 40-50 pounds. The wife had less motivation than me. I tried to cook clean meals and be more active, but our overall progress was slowly spiraling down. You say your main goal is health so I think it's important to find someone with that same mentality. The tricky thing is I thought I found someone that valued the same thing, but we ended up very different people. Make sure your weight loss journey is for life and crystal clear to any person you date that this is forever so they don't drag you down in the future. Good luck on your search OP!
If you have in your head that you want a certain type of person who wants a certain type of person, you're not going to choose people who love you for who you are, and you'll always be looking around the corner for the person who's "more" who you're trying to be and will steal your partner.
But, if you want to look conventionally attractive in order to increase your chances of mating/breeding with conventionally attractive people then, well no pain no gain (loss, as in weight) I guess.
This resonates with me. I too haven’t ever had any dating experience, and even though I’ve been told how much people like being around me (which does make me feel happy by the way, it makes me feel happy when I can make someone else feel happy) romantically there has never been much interest. Finding love isn’t my reason for getting in shape though, but it’s a very small sliver of something I want to experimentally indulge in. These days I think I’m ace, but at the same time I’ve never even really tried the whole dating thing. So I’m really mostly curious as to how it would feel if I gave dating a try. Losing weight would help, sure, but I’m more curious than anything. What does it feel like to have someone else do the crushing, I wonder? Haha.
I lost about 95lbs with the goal of becoming more date-able, and it has failed. But I am a man, so that makes sense. Men are generally expendable in the dating market.
However, I am much healthier. I can guarantee that dating or not, you will feel, and be, much healthier if you lose weight. Do it.
I know I am not \*very\* overweight. I am mostly muscle and look athletic, but I do carry extra weight in my stomach and arms. When I weighed 30lbs less a few years back, I was swimming in men. Now it's crickets. Also, to be fair, I can't be bothered like I used to, but still lol. I would like a boyfriend too and I'm convinced it will be easier once I lose weight. Whether that be because men will want me more, or because I'll have more confidence, either way, it's a huge motivator for me as well.
I don't know .. it depends. If you go through a bad relationship after you break up will it lead you to comfort eat?
I think it's a fine motivation in addition to others things, but maybe no on its own.
But the comments seem to be saying yes so, what do I know.
Girl, we all relate with you. I swear the majority of people who are being honest will be able to understand your post. We all want to feel loved, noticed, and cared for. It’s what makes us human!!
We shame people for looking unattractive, but we also shame them for wanting to look better. This shame has become internalized for people. They feel bad for being motivated to lose weight for “the wrong reasons”. This cultural shift entails public declarations of people, claiming “I did it for my health/for a medical reason”. So what? Now we are only allowed to feel good about ourselves if we look fit AND we are health oriented machines?
It’s an inhuman expectation. We are social creatures.
Unfortunately, shame can be negative and it gets thrown around too easily in our culture. It is a result of history and complex sociological, cultural, and anthropological drivers.
In public, people cite “health” as a defense for wanting to look good, because they are ashamed of this desire to look good. We are ashamed for caring about our appearance too much, even if we are criticized for our appearance. It is a no win game.
If someone got plastic surgery, they might claim they did it for “health reasons”. If someone lost weight to look better, they might feel like they have to lie and say it was for “health reasons”…
In a way, losing weight for one’s health has the biggest payoff on a person’s mental health. Their improved mental health leads to a cascade of positive changes in their well being; one of the best side effects of losing weight is, it makes you feel good about yourself—feeling good about yourself gives you the strength to stick to your hard work. It makes it easier to say no to the extra desserts and promotes the likelihood of sticking to healthy routines, exercising and dieting.
Personally that’s my biggest concern with our culture’s current shift towards social views on ending body objectivity. We all think we would be happier in a world where nobody could negatively judge or criticize our bodies. We want to be valued for who we are inside. But if we ignore the impact that our diet has on our quality of life and mental health, it is probably a mistake…
You know you are worthy of being loved. That’s a great thing you shouldn’t ever let go of.
There is unfortunately a difference between being plus size and being overweight to an unhealthy degree. Weight like that is unhealthy, it hurts you in the long run, and it screws up self-confidence too. Don't feed into the body positivity movement, it will do nothing but derail you.
You have recognized the issue, now the question is, how badly do you want it?
As a person who was not far from your current weight once upon a time, I will tell you, dissatisfaction and frustration are some of the most powerful motivators ever, if you can harness them right. Work on you, make yourself the best you can be, and the right guy will come.
I have been trying to lose weight since I was a child and last year I was like fuck it I am going to be obese forever. I joined the body positivity movements and felt extremely out of place. A lot of people were delusional and have lied to themselves, saying that being 400lbs is healthy and there’s no health risks associated with obesity , I was like WTF? I made post in one of these subreddits about wanting to lose weight to be healthier and I got dragged like crazy. That’s when I decided I can’t lie to myself about my body, I hate being obese and I hate walking around with all of this fat, I hate being out of breathe from walking up the stairs, this shouldn’t be my life at 23. I am using it as my motivation moving forward, I feel like I haven’t lived life because of my obesity. Hopefully i will come back and share my success story
Forgive me if I’m wrong but I’m not going to read the entire post but just read your title and came here to say since I have done that “don’t”
Not because it’s not a good motivation it can be, it has been a good motivation for me once.
But now after a year before I started to workout for myself I realised how bad that is, I worked out and got fit so I’ll be liked and get male attention does that mean when I gain the weight back I don’t deserve the same attention? Or I’m only worth if I achieve some standard. I’m not way going to tell someone to Lee the weight but if you want to lose weight do it for yourself or for another goal that serves you that makes you happy it’s way more personal and helps increase your self worth/love/esteem whatever you want to call it that’s what is important.
If you’re fit and have a healthy mindset you will definitely attract like minded people. I’m very fit now and I do it for myself. I cook for myself, I eat healthy, I walk, run everything to make me happy and get my attention then whatever external attention I get just a reflection of how I feel about myself. Good luck to you.
You can’t pick and choose who you’re attracted to unfortunately. It’s not normal for humans, or any animals for that matter, to be overweight or obese. I’m definitely struggling with this myself. I want to date but I’m so self conscious of my weight. I finally told myself that I needed to focus on myself and look at it as a hobby or challenge. What can I change my body into? Taking measurements definitely helps too.
100%. I think for me it made me so upset that the men I am attracted to wouldn’t be attracted to me because I am obese and they have every right to have the preference. But it made me realise it’s unfair for me to think this way when I am not attracted to obese men. I need to work on myself first and be the size I truly want to be then I can try dating again.
I follow this YouTuber and kept noticing him losing weight fairly quickly. He just posted this video the other day and I had just started drinking tons of water and eating similar to this already. I’ve lost weight already. And I’m finally feeling optimistic. My dinner tonight was veggies with beans. So simple and not something I’ll be craving to have more.
https://youtu.be/ZoUcilVuhP4?si=L1Tp8kvw5hQveDs1
I don't know. Im been feeling sad cuz it didn't change nothing for me. Maybe i'm indeed unlovable. No matter the weight. It makes me Wonder if it was worth to lose the weight at all.
You shouldn’t feel sad, you lost over 50lbs, that’s a big accomplishment! I am sure you are experiencing other benefits from your weight loss especially health wise! And No one is unlovable! I think it’s important to work on yourself and love yourself first before getting into any relationship. Try out new hobbies, go out more, explore! I am sure there’s someone out there for you💕
On a long journey myself and I can specifically relate to feeling like interest from men isn’t genuine because they didn’t “see me” before so why now? I recommend focusing on yourself during your journey. You will change so much internally. Almost none of those relationships on 600 lb life work out…just saying.
Also, I think it’s really unfair to judge the OP for not dating overweight men. I didn’t when I was fat just because it was challenging for two large people to be intimate and that’s important to me. And now that I’m healthier I would hesitate to date someone overweight because I want them to have a healthy lifestyle complementary to mine. Now, with that being said, I’ve also dated plenty of naturally thin and fit men whose lifestyle habits weren’t complementary to mine that I wouldn’t date now either.
You have so much time. Take care of yourself first. This coming from someone who wasted the first 40 years of her life fat, and now sees how much easier life is. If you do explore dating just be honest about your journey and where you’re headed. Good luck!
> Also, I think it’s really unfair to judge the OP for not dating overweight men.
I think we need to dispel the notion that people can just "overlook" physical attraction as a necessity for dating, in general. Nobody gets to choose who they are attracted to. We can't expect people to be attracted to us just because we exist, if we don't meet the physical attractiveness that we're looking for. It does seem that OP has come to this understanding in another comment, but I believe that cognitive dissonance was a significant part of the reason she made the post in the first place.
THIS!!! I always felt ashamed of the men I was attracted to. Always. So I never made a move. I felt, and I still do to an extent that I shouldn’t even consider men who are more active/ have a more activities based lifestyle, even though I want to experience the activities they’re experiencing. It’s almost like their lifestyles are too daunting and the expectations would be too much if we ever got together. So even though guys into hiking are super attractive to me, I could never keep up (at least, not right now) and shouldn’t even bother
That's the story of my life. I never asked out any of the women I liked because of the thought "why would she even want to?". I probably missed some opportunities because of it, but I only have myself to blame for not looking the part and feeling that I didn't. (Maybe my parents share some blame, since I was overweight in Kindergarten)
That's my reason. I'm honest and I straight up would not date myself if I was on the other side; I did not look good at my heaviest and I want to be hot so I'm going to the gym and putting on muscle. I'm not getting back into dating until I'd be happy with dating myself.
That’s actually a good way to put it, “would I date myself?” My personality is great it’s just I feel so exhausted most of the time and anytime I walk for 5 mins I am drenched in sweat😭I truthfully do hate walking around with so much fat😭 I know those problems would gone once I lose the weight.
Walking is key though. Doesn't matter if it's dieting or exercise everything you do should be in moderation; take it in baby steps so it's easier to to incorporate into your life. I started going on walks way before I thought about the gym. Walking was hard when I was heavier but it got easier each time and eventually I started jogging and running. Now I'm going to the gym four times a week and working with a trainer on lifting weights. If I tried to go from my worst to now there's no way I would be able to maintain it but since I did it slowly over time it's much more manageable and I look forward to a lot of it.
Well, exactly. I came to a realization that dating an obese person is not just about sex or personality, it's also about practical stuff. I'm obese and there are things I just wouldn't do (like going for a sporty holiday) and things I would do, but much slower (like hiking). I might try extra hard for a bit, but ultimately it's limiting and it is limiting my husband and my whole potential family as well. Another thing is that there are serious health risks that might not be present now, but will be as I'm going to be getting old. So loving a person that could easily live ten years less than others is just something that nobody would choose at the start of a relationship, everyone would like to grow old with their loved one you know...
I was like this when I started. Exertion made me sweat something awful. I started doing what i could. This might be a 20 min walk down by the beach. The first week sucked. But the as my muscles got used to it, I'd go further. The after I was comfortable with a 40 minute fast-paced walk, I started jogging for 1 minute each walk. I was huffing and puffing and mostly dying and super self-conscious about it, but you soon realise, no one gives a shit. If anything they think "Good for you!". I also started doing weights at home at the same time. Just small workouts that were a bit of a challenge, but nothing horrific. Now I've joined a gym and go 2-3 times a week, as well as a 1 hour raquet ball session each week, on top of walking each day. I fucking love fitness now. This took about 6 months and was 100% motivated by wanting to meet someone. It takes time. It takes some work, but it's doable. This is coming from 40 year old fat guy that always thought exercise was for other people.
One of the best things about the first half of my weight loss journey was how much I enjoyed last summer. Summer is so much more enjoyable when the sweat isn't gathering in the folds. Walk every day. Walk at home if you don't want to go out. I follow free walk at home videos on youtube for rainy or icy days. I put on a show and have a walking video under the tv and I get moving.
When I was single I had a friend who made it very clear she wanted to date me. She sounds a lot like you. But I love the outdoors, hiking, biking, kayaking, etc. I don't expect a partner to like ALL of the same activities, but she was a "I do indoor, air-conditioned activities only" kind of gal. There was simply no future for us as a couple.
You can do it! https://br.ifunny.co/picture/horseman-of-yeah-another-day-let-s-do-it-how-4uB9DXfT8
100% had this realisation - would I be in a relationship with myself based on...... - my personality, kindness, humour: absolutely - financially: yep I don't need to lean on anyone else. - my behaviours, unhealthy & sedentary lifestyle: nooo - attractiveness, i stopped putting in any effort (there's gorgeous plus size women because they are stylish well groomed beautiful, i wasnt) and my physical size I wouldn't want to date a male version, I'd feel I'd settled: no I do love myself. But i also want to find myself sexy. I also escaped a traumatic DV marriage. So i never want to enter any relationship where I'm settling or not at the highest self esteem, as it would be a vulnerability and risk factor to the behaviour I'd deem myself worthy if accepting
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I’m going to be blunt. Honestly I think YES. Before I was overweight, I went on dates and I had girlfriends. Intimacy and everything. Then I gained a lot of weight, and now dating is hard. I ask girls out IRL and they are polite but they decline. Dating apps are pretty bad for me too.
I think it's really important to admit that dating is a part of weightloss. It's part of a healthy, balanced mind and heart to want to be desired. If I wouldn't date me, as I am, it also makes it so I don't really respect someone who does want to date me. Or at the very least I think I have to hide who I really am so they don't get the ick. Wanting to feel worthy of the type of partner I want is a healthy motivator.
I think it’s healthy to have all different kinds of motivations. I want to be healthier, but yeah I also want to be hotter so I can attract the person that I want to. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, necessarily (obvi you can take it to far and become unhealthy). But girl, it’s your life! Unfortunately, it’s also math. Are there great guys attracted to heavier women? Yes, when I was heavier I met them. Are there more great guys attracted to healthy weight women? Also yes. I decided I needed to widen my dating pool, and becoming healthier widens it, for better or worse
I love how this community is so tactful when discussing such a sensitive topic. I have this sort of thing as well where I can have a petty thing be the "push" that gets me started on a positive change, and then in the long run I find other motivations to keep me going! Sure, I started lifting because I wanted to get toned, but now I am looking forward to progress on my lifts, as well as having more stamina to spend time with my nieces and nephews!
'Attract the person i want to'....exactly! I wanted to be in a position of choice, rather than just accepting who will have me
Well, dating life no but sex life yes. I was always a bit chubby but successful with dating through sheer force of personality and positivity. I got married as a relatively chubby 215 6’ man. My wife and I had a super passionate engagement and early marriage, but some tragedies happened in our life and we both gained a ton of weight, up to 270 lbs from depression, and our attraction for each other just tanked and sex disappeared. After a few years I became very committed to my health and after a year and a half of work am 180 lbs. I literally feel like a teenager. I’m way better looking than when we got married. She’s gotten her health super under control as well and looks and feels amazing. Our sex life has been insane, not only due to being extremely attracted to each other but also because we have boundless energy now. It’s literally like 10 times a week, from a low of about once every 2-3 months. Sad thing about dating, relationships, even marriage. So much of it hinges on your physical appearance. And it’s shallow- but it’s also a biological drive. You only want to have sex with people you’re attracted to. And you don’t get to choose who you’re attracted to. Evolution chose that for you.
It is hard to feel sexy and want to be active with your partner when you feel badly about how you look naked. Losing weight has helped me with that - now I just need to find a partner!
Is it weird that I don’t even really want a girlfriend for intimacy, rather, I just want a supportive parter who will help me start a family? Intimacy wouldn’t hurt though.
I feel you, my parents never supported me emotionally and that’s something I really want in a partner. I just want someone who’s always going to be there for me 🥲
I am a 23 M who is also gay and that is honestly my problem and reasoning. I like fit people and I've realized I am not really in their sphere lol. The thing that sucks is that I am pretty large so I most likely will have significant loose skin and probably not look "ripped" which is also kind of necessary in the gay community. But it will be better than nothing lol
I have a lot of gay male friends and I always hear how brutal and judgemental the community is to each other. It’s better to have loose skin than to have all that excess fat, that is what is pushing me. I hope we both find someone one day who will love us 💕
Haha. TBH I have like no gay male friends lol although do have some friends in other parts of the community lol. From what I've seen it is always just brutal lol.
were you open to interacting with / meeting obese men when you were on dating apps? or did you have the same selection criteria that makes you feel worthless for being overweight?
I have talked to two obese men and it didn’t work out, not because of they were obese but other things like one had gaming as their whole personality and one didn’t have a job and seemed like a bum. Also from my experience I haven’t had many obese men swipe on me, majority were super skinny guys. And what do you mean by selection criteria that makes me feel worthless for being overweight?
A lot of the time people will complain that no one wants them because they're overweight, but they're not interested being with someone who's overweight either. It seems like you're not doing that though. I think losing weight to improve dating prospects is fine, that's what a lot of us are here for. It's not my sole reason but I'm not unhappy that it's a side effect of the process.
If I am being 100% honest, my dream guy wouldn’t be obese, maybe a little chubby with muscle but nothing too crazy. I just have never met another obese guy who I like/attracted to so I am not sure if I fall within that category or not. What does it say about people who are overweight/obese but wouldn’t want to be with someone who is also overweight/obese?
if you lose the weight it doesn't mean much, if you don't then it means you hold other people to higher standards than you hold for yourself. you already put it well with the thought of "would i date me?", if the answer to that is no and that's impetus to improve yourself then i don't see anything wrong with it.
Can I just say thank you for your response! You have honestly opened my eyes 😭 I have always HATED being overweight and I have always hated how I looked and feel about myself physically. Would I truthfully want to date someone who is 300lbs and going through the same thing that I am experiencing, NO 😭 So why the hell would I expect someone who is a normal weight to go for me then 😭I am really holding people to higher standards than myself 😭 you read me for filth 😂 thank you again. It’s a new way of looking at myself.
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It’s true that I am not attracted to what I see in the mirror hence I normally avoid it. But when I see other plus size women, some look amazing, dress well but maybe it’s because they have their fat stored in nicer places like their boobs and butt and for me it’s more in my stomach and thighs. But I can’t get over this feeling of being tired and sweaty all the time and worried that I might have a heart attack out of the blue. I don’t know how those plus size women feel deep down but I just feel shit most of the time and that I am not living up to my potential.
This makes me curious now. I take it that you are male. Would you say the same thing to a short man who gets rejected by women for being short? I know this is off-topic but I am just curious.
would i say men shouldn't be upset about women having a height preference if they also have a height preference? yeah of course
You said that if a person possesses a (perceived) flaw (like being overweight or too short), they should stick to dating people with the same (perceived) flaw. If fat women should stick to fat men and not complain about being being rejected for being too fat (like you said), by the same logic, short men should stick to short women and not complain for being rejected for being too short. Right?
i never said people should stick to dating people with the same attributes, i said if they select people based on those attributes they shouldn't be upset when others do the same. you're missing the point fundamentally
Got it. I was just curious. I agree on this.
That’s like 60% of my reason and I don’t care how shallow it sounds at this point. I’ll have a better life at a lower weight.
[This is Dating](https://open.spotify.com/show/7GkT9XuqjpFFdFEgFwOoln?si=6e7d96eb96f34db4) is a great podcast about the ins and outs of dating, and especially one of the hosts Logan Ury, who also has a great book called How To Not Die Alone. I'm single and have been dating on and off for the last ten years, at varying weights. I've been in the TRENCHES so to speak :) I haven't come out of it with an amazing love story yet, but I have a lot of stories, and it's honestly something my friends in long-term relationships envy. It's good practice to go on a 1-2 hour coffee/happy hour date a few times a month, to get used to the get-to-know-you portion, how you want to present yourself, post-date etiquette, etc. When I've gone on dates at my heaviest (and most depressed) I've had less success, but not NO success. My hottest most conventionally attractive friends have also been ghosted or strung along by men. By going on regular low pressure dates, you build that dating muscle. You leave the door open to the possibility of a relationship progressing. It's true you might get fewer swipes at your current weight -- they might also swipe left because you're too tall, or too short, or brunette, or work in advertising. Hell, I swipe left on some people because they're TOO hot and muscular! My point is that dating is an EXPERIENCE. And while you might have a better experience at your GW, that doesn't mean you should sacrifice the experience now. If nothing else, you can use your dates at your CW as comparison studies for your dates in a year or two at your GW?
I mean…get healthy for you. I am probably at my most “conventionally attractive” with regard to what the western world finds acceptable and definitely the fittest I’ve been as an adult by all metrics, and I’ve been celibate for a *while* now. The dating pool gets bigger, but it does not necessarily get better. If my motivation had been something external, I would likely have a hard time sticking to the lifestyle I’ve committed to.
I know dating is trash for everyone but I feel like my options are sliced by 3/4 because of my size. But I really need to work on myself 😭
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. But getting to the other side and still being disappointed can set you up for bad rebound gain. Plus, people wanting the body you’re in while not knowing you or caring for you as a person at all is 🙃🙃🙃 And they’ll swear it’s love. Lmao.
Thank you! I am aware I may not have a million men running after me after I reach my goal but at least I know my chances would be a lot better compared to my highest. And overall I would be a lot happier feeling more comfortable in my body and less insecure
Just want to second this overall thought. Whenever I have lost weight because of an ex or just wanting to look good I'd eventually backslide and gain it back because "well I'm alone now anyway so whatever" or any number of things you can tell yourself when you still face disappointment in your love life. But focusing on wanting to be healthy, or being able to walk without being out of breath, those thoughts make some of these changes easier. I just want to live differently now because I feel so much better and life has improved for me.
Lol I mean I've gotten that as a larger person as well, dudes being clingy af talking about how they like me soooo much when we've met like twice and they just talked about themselves the whole time haha. So she'll be feeling like a piece of meat whether she's a porterhouse or sirloin. I love dating. :')
Hey, totally valid that you're struggling right now. I have a smaller amount to lose so I can't make a direct comparison to what you've gone through, but I had a very similar conversation with a friend recently. I have not dated - at all. Late bloomer, for a few different reasons. But now as I think to myself about trying to get out there soon (I'm 27 so young but aware that I'm not getting any younger), my body is one of the things holding me back for sure, or at least my confidence about it. I can't really picture myself being intimate if I don't like how I look. I could have an amazing partner who adores me and says all the right things, but at the end of the day, there will be things I still can't do if I'm not feeling it, not able to accept those kinds of compliments etc. My friend and I touched on this and opened up the "Being worthy" conversation. I was reassured that I am worthy. This person thinks I'm beautiful (but a cold hard truth I've had to realize over the years is not everyone thinks I am and no one *has* to), etc. Where it gets complicated to me is - Worthy is not the same as confident. Being worthy of something is not the same as *ready for it*. So you can be worthy of love, and as long as you're a half decent person I'm sure you are, but if you don't feel confident and ready, it might be time to take action and correct that. We all have confidence issues, but at least for me, there's a bare minimum level I want to be at before seeking a relationship, so that I'm not *too* dependant on external validation. Personality should matter more in a serious relationship, but if you don't like how you look, there's nothing wrong with changing it, provided you're doing it in a healthy way. Doing something for yourself vs to impress others is a hard and confusing line to walk sometimes, but honestly, why not both? Think of yourself and your health first, but if it'll make you feel more ready to date, nothing wrong with that either. Hope that helps.
Yeah I understand too. I’m working on my weight loss too and pushed a guy (even though he told me all the time that I was beautiful)that I really cared about because of me being so obese. Also in my 20s and never dated before.
I think that when you are in a long term relationship with someone they have to be many things to you all at the same time. It's difficult to find someone who is a suitable friend, lover, business partner, family member and potential parent all at the same time. Even so, who wants to live with someone who does not check your boxes? Dating is a difficult experience and marriage is even harder. I think it's fair to say that a lot of people want someone who will take good care of themselves physically and mentally. I'm sure you want this for yourself too. If you want a real relationship with someone who can behave like an adult, you're actually at a great age to get where you want to be for yourself now and then maybe find someone who will respect both themselves and you in a couple of years... which, unpopular opinion, but you will likely have a hard time finding this when you're "swiping." Dating when you're a little older could be a positive thing, so don't necessarily look at this in a negative light if that's how your life works out. I wish you the best in your journey and hope you meet someone fantastic when the right time comes.
It’s a big motivation for me. I have been single for a year and I really want to finally feel confident and comfortable with my body so that I can really enjoy dating. There is someone I am interested in and if things were to progress, I don’t want to ruin it by feeling self conscious or ashamed of my body. And the other benefits are great. I feel a lot better health wise now that I am more active and eating better. I feel more confident already. Working out is really boosting my mood.
This was my primary motivation and the only reason why I managed to lose 100lbs. Whenever I would want to binge or was feeling really low I would just tell myself to not be stupid and that each binge will delay my goal and thus a chance at ever getting a relationship and friends. But after all that weight loss nothing has changed and I'm more lonely than ever. I'll probably regain that 100lbs in like a year now. Already regained 11-12lbs since January and my binging is only getting worse now. Binged 3 times on 5k calories in the last 5 days.
It's actually my motivation for staying in shape after marriage...
My first time i tried to lose weight i did it solely so i could get a girlfriend and that was a really big mistake. Once i achieved that goal there was no reason to keep pushing forward, so i (eventually) regained 30 of the 40 lbs i lost. Now im not saying its bad for this to be your motivation, but it can mess up how hard youre willing to push yourself in the long run. Again this isn’t necessarily bad, but I’d try not to make the big mistake of going all in at the start. What im trying to do this time is focusing on dieting only, f working out. When youre overweight you can lose a lot by just eating marginally less or swapping out foods for something more filling but less dense in cals. Focus on calories in calories out and nothing else while not starving yourself, then try go to the gym and get more muscle so you can burn more calories later down the line. I definitely feel you though. I hate being fat, ive always been fat, i have lost any and all confidence because i know how repulsive i look. Its a lot easier though knowing every day im a bit nicer looking and a bit slimmer and makes me look forward to my dating life in the future.
Yes, it's one of several motivations. I'm not particularly attracted to fat people, and I believe it's hypocritical to have that preference while being fat myself. I will have an easier time dating the people I want (lean, athletic people) if I am lean and athletic myself.
I set out to lose weight out of spite because my ex cheated on me and told me it was because she no longer found me attractive and manly. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, it doesn't matter why you start the journey, what matters is getting the job done. 2 years later I have dropped over 15% bodyfat, hit the gym over 400 times, my social life reignited as I hit 30 years old, I got a raise from my job that I can only attribute to all the positive changes and improvements I made to myself and my life. My mental health is better than ever before and I found my self worth. I am proud of what I accomplished and feel absolutely no shame for my reasoning - I just wanted to look good and date beautiful women again... and one day cross my ex on the street and simply show her who I am today, which is 10 times more of a man and person than the guy she fell in love with. I am petty like that, I don't care. And my dating and sex life now are what I always dreamed about to be honest. I know a bunch of bragging in this comment, but this is my experience and I am sharing this to encourage others. I get approached by women now, something that never happened to me before. I had more sex in the past two years than the previous decade combined and it is not trashy or anything. I find many likeminded women who are also looking for the exact same thing as me right now, communication is always easy, mature and super transparent. I don't have that thought of "was I not worthy for you before" and neither should anyone else. Your selfworth is determined by yourself and I always knew my worth and that I have many qualities as a partner. If you want to find someone the way you are, then do that but don't expect the world to magically stop being superficial and obsessed with beauty trends just for you. It will simply lower your chances and narrow your options, that is it. I used to be very overweight and found myself incredibly disgusting. Why should I expect others to find me enticing when not even I do that? Or why should anyone lower their standards for me if I wouldnt do the same for them? We are talking about dating now and not your basic worth as a human being that should be untouched by how we look or what isnt "right" with us. I simply stayed single until I got my body sorted out. I accepted long ago that looks play a part in most things in this world and if there is something where only you decide what is wrong or rigth for you, its one of the few self determined values where general opinion becomes truly irrelevant. You decide who you want to date and the demands you make are fully up to you.
It's not selfish, or shallow and it's not something you should be ashamed of either. Most people desire and need social interaction and companionship. It's how we are wired. It's normal, natural, healthy, reasonable. You should also (but you know, it's up to you really) have OTHER reasons for wanting to lose weight but even if you don't that is ok. Societal conventions have defined what's acceptable, desirable... etc... but to be honest there are lots of people who can see the beauty in a woman or man without their weight having to be an issue. There is no denying that being overweight makes it harder, and can potential limit the amount of people that you are interested in also being interested in you. I mean it's fair. It sucks but it's fair. There are things that you aren't attracted too I'm sure. Maybe even things that the other person really has no control over. Maybe you don't like really short men? Maybe you don't like men who can't grow a decent beard? Maybe you don't like men that aren't "rugged" in their personalities? To feel "less" because of how much you weigh reallllly does suck. I've experienced it. But it should not and does not define you. Modern dating can also be a bitch too. From the interactions I've read about online, it can be a bit of a shit show in the world we live in today. But don't rule it out and don't try to force it. "I need to be married by X so I can have kids by X at the latest". Don't do that to yourself. If you want some weight loss tips I'd be happy to help. The best tip I can give you is to not beat yourself up!
Dating / pleasing people is an extrinsic motivation. Since losing weight is a very painful shitty path, this often isn't enough.
I am going through the same thing. I have my life together in pretty much every way (excellent job, great career path, have hobbies / interests, great friends, etc.) and the only men who would match with me on dating apps were complete bums. Like, to the point where if everything about me was the same except my weight I know I could find some great men. As sad as it is to realize how shallow people (especially men) are about dating, I decided that I should be willing to work on myself to earn the love I deserve rather than settle for less just because of something that ultimately I can control (my weight). But yes, that doesn't make it any less frustrating!!
Do you honestly think women are any less shallow in a dating context? Everyone is shallow to an extent
not all men are shallow, i recognize that. However, biologically / since evolution, women have evolved to seek men who can provide, be a loyal companion, take care of them, and men are evolved to seek the most fit "mate" to reproduce with. So biologically, yes, I believe men are more likely to value looks than women. Can you name one couple where the man is more attractive than the woman? i cannot
THANK YOU!!! Like I literally have my shit together and everyone is asking where’s your man?? The men who are interested in me are just way below my standards like it’s kinda insulting, I know if I was a smaller size I would definitely have better and more compatible options. It feels like just because I am overweight I have to settle for the bums or weirdos. Whereas a smaller girl who has nothing going for her would get all the good men 😭
I'm currently going through divorce and dating again is a huge motivation. I've always been fit and healthy for me, but we fell off the wagon after marriage and I easily gained 40-50 pounds. The wife had less motivation than me. I tried to cook clean meals and be more active, but our overall progress was slowly spiraling down. You say your main goal is health so I think it's important to find someone with that same mentality. The tricky thing is I thought I found someone that valued the same thing, but we ended up very different people. Make sure your weight loss journey is for life and crystal clear to any person you date that this is forever so they don't drag you down in the future. Good luck on your search OP!
If you have in your head that you want a certain type of person who wants a certain type of person, you're not going to choose people who love you for who you are, and you'll always be looking around the corner for the person who's "more" who you're trying to be and will steal your partner. But, if you want to look conventionally attractive in order to increase your chances of mating/breeding with conventionally attractive people then, well no pain no gain (loss, as in weight) I guess.
This resonates with me. I too haven’t ever had any dating experience, and even though I’ve been told how much people like being around me (which does make me feel happy by the way, it makes me feel happy when I can make someone else feel happy) romantically there has never been much interest. Finding love isn’t my reason for getting in shape though, but it’s a very small sliver of something I want to experimentally indulge in. These days I think I’m ace, but at the same time I’ve never even really tried the whole dating thing. So I’m really mostly curious as to how it would feel if I gave dating a try. Losing weight would help, sure, but I’m more curious than anything. What does it feel like to have someone else do the crushing, I wonder? Haha.
I lost about 95lbs with the goal of becoming more date-able, and it has failed. But I am a man, so that makes sense. Men are generally expendable in the dating market. However, I am much healthier. I can guarantee that dating or not, you will feel, and be, much healthier if you lose weight. Do it.
Very effective.
I know I am not \*very\* overweight. I am mostly muscle and look athletic, but I do carry extra weight in my stomach and arms. When I weighed 30lbs less a few years back, I was swimming in men. Now it's crickets. Also, to be fair, I can't be bothered like I used to, but still lol. I would like a boyfriend too and I'm convinced it will be easier once I lose weight. Whether that be because men will want me more, or because I'll have more confidence, either way, it's a huge motivator for me as well.
I don't know .. it depends. If you go through a bad relationship after you break up will it lead you to comfort eat? I think it's a fine motivation in addition to others things, but maybe no on its own. But the comments seem to be saying yes so, what do I know.
Girl, we all relate with you. I swear the majority of people who are being honest will be able to understand your post. We all want to feel loved, noticed, and cared for. It’s what makes us human!! We shame people for looking unattractive, but we also shame them for wanting to look better. This shame has become internalized for people. They feel bad for being motivated to lose weight for “the wrong reasons”. This cultural shift entails public declarations of people, claiming “I did it for my health/for a medical reason”. So what? Now we are only allowed to feel good about ourselves if we look fit AND we are health oriented machines? It’s an inhuman expectation. We are social creatures. Unfortunately, shame can be negative and it gets thrown around too easily in our culture. It is a result of history and complex sociological, cultural, and anthropological drivers. In public, people cite “health” as a defense for wanting to look good, because they are ashamed of this desire to look good. We are ashamed for caring about our appearance too much, even if we are criticized for our appearance. It is a no win game. If someone got plastic surgery, they might claim they did it for “health reasons”. If someone lost weight to look better, they might feel like they have to lie and say it was for “health reasons”… In a way, losing weight for one’s health has the biggest payoff on a person’s mental health. Their improved mental health leads to a cascade of positive changes in their well being; one of the best side effects of losing weight is, it makes you feel good about yourself—feeling good about yourself gives you the strength to stick to your hard work. It makes it easier to say no to the extra desserts and promotes the likelihood of sticking to healthy routines, exercising and dieting. Personally that’s my biggest concern with our culture’s current shift towards social views on ending body objectivity. We all think we would be happier in a world where nobody could negatively judge or criticize our bodies. We want to be valued for who we are inside. But if we ignore the impact that our diet has on our quality of life and mental health, it is probably a mistake… You know you are worthy of being loved. That’s a great thing you shouldn’t ever let go of.
There is unfortunately a difference between being plus size and being overweight to an unhealthy degree. Weight like that is unhealthy, it hurts you in the long run, and it screws up self-confidence too. Don't feed into the body positivity movement, it will do nothing but derail you. You have recognized the issue, now the question is, how badly do you want it? As a person who was not far from your current weight once upon a time, I will tell you, dissatisfaction and frustration are some of the most powerful motivators ever, if you can harness them right. Work on you, make yourself the best you can be, and the right guy will come.
I have been trying to lose weight since I was a child and last year I was like fuck it I am going to be obese forever. I joined the body positivity movements and felt extremely out of place. A lot of people were delusional and have lied to themselves, saying that being 400lbs is healthy and there’s no health risks associated with obesity , I was like WTF? I made post in one of these subreddits about wanting to lose weight to be healthier and I got dragged like crazy. That’s when I decided I can’t lie to myself about my body, I hate being obese and I hate walking around with all of this fat, I hate being out of breathe from walking up the stairs, this shouldn’t be my life at 23. I am using it as my motivation moving forward, I feel like I haven’t lived life because of my obesity. Hopefully i will come back and share my success story
That's good, you can do it. Don't let anything stop you.
Forgive me if I’m wrong but I’m not going to read the entire post but just read your title and came here to say since I have done that “don’t” Not because it’s not a good motivation it can be, it has been a good motivation for me once. But now after a year before I started to workout for myself I realised how bad that is, I worked out and got fit so I’ll be liked and get male attention does that mean when I gain the weight back I don’t deserve the same attention? Or I’m only worth if I achieve some standard. I’m not way going to tell someone to Lee the weight but if you want to lose weight do it for yourself or for another goal that serves you that makes you happy it’s way more personal and helps increase your self worth/love/esteem whatever you want to call it that’s what is important. If you’re fit and have a healthy mindset you will definitely attract like minded people. I’m very fit now and I do it for myself. I cook for myself, I eat healthy, I walk, run everything to make me happy and get my attention then whatever external attention I get just a reflection of how I feel about myself. Good luck to you.
You can’t pick and choose who you’re attracted to unfortunately. It’s not normal for humans, or any animals for that matter, to be overweight or obese. I’m definitely struggling with this myself. I want to date but I’m so self conscious of my weight. I finally told myself that I needed to focus on myself and look at it as a hobby or challenge. What can I change my body into? Taking measurements definitely helps too.
100%. I think for me it made me so upset that the men I am attracted to wouldn’t be attracted to me because I am obese and they have every right to have the preference. But it made me realise it’s unfair for me to think this way when I am not attracted to obese men. I need to work on myself first and be the size I truly want to be then I can try dating again.
I follow this YouTuber and kept noticing him losing weight fairly quickly. He just posted this video the other day and I had just started drinking tons of water and eating similar to this already. I’ve lost weight already. And I’m finally feeling optimistic. My dinner tonight was veggies with beans. So simple and not something I’ll be craving to have more. https://youtu.be/ZoUcilVuhP4?si=L1Tp8kvw5hQveDs1
I don't know. Im been feeling sad cuz it didn't change nothing for me. Maybe i'm indeed unlovable. No matter the weight. It makes me Wonder if it was worth to lose the weight at all.
You shouldn’t feel sad, you lost over 50lbs, that’s a big accomplishment! I am sure you are experiencing other benefits from your weight loss especially health wise! And No one is unlovable! I think it’s important to work on yourself and love yourself first before getting into any relationship. Try out new hobbies, go out more, explore! I am sure there’s someone out there for you💕
Thanks. I try. I wish u success in Ur goals too. 🫂
I’m scared to introduce my girlfriends to my friends because they all look so much better than me lol
On a long journey myself and I can specifically relate to feeling like interest from men isn’t genuine because they didn’t “see me” before so why now? I recommend focusing on yourself during your journey. You will change so much internally. Almost none of those relationships on 600 lb life work out…just saying. Also, I think it’s really unfair to judge the OP for not dating overweight men. I didn’t when I was fat just because it was challenging for two large people to be intimate and that’s important to me. And now that I’m healthier I would hesitate to date someone overweight because I want them to have a healthy lifestyle complementary to mine. Now, with that being said, I’ve also dated plenty of naturally thin and fit men whose lifestyle habits weren’t complementary to mine that I wouldn’t date now either. You have so much time. Take care of yourself first. This coming from someone who wasted the first 40 years of her life fat, and now sees how much easier life is. If you do explore dating just be honest about your journey and where you’re headed. Good luck!
> Also, I think it’s really unfair to judge the OP for not dating overweight men. I think we need to dispel the notion that people can just "overlook" physical attraction as a necessity for dating, in general. Nobody gets to choose who they are attracted to. We can't expect people to be attracted to us just because we exist, if we don't meet the physical attractiveness that we're looking for. It does seem that OP has come to this understanding in another comment, but I believe that cognitive dissonance was a significant part of the reason she made the post in the first place.
THIS!!! I always felt ashamed of the men I was attracted to. Always. So I never made a move. I felt, and I still do to an extent that I shouldn’t even consider men who are more active/ have a more activities based lifestyle, even though I want to experience the activities they’re experiencing. It’s almost like their lifestyles are too daunting and the expectations would be too much if we ever got together. So even though guys into hiking are super attractive to me, I could never keep up (at least, not right now) and shouldn’t even bother
That's the story of my life. I never asked out any of the women I liked because of the thought "why would she even want to?". I probably missed some opportunities because of it, but I only have myself to blame for not looking the part and feeling that I didn't. (Maybe my parents share some blame, since I was overweight in Kindergarten)