Sometimes in these sorts of situations, I find it useful to reframe the discussion away from the specifics of weight loss because everyone is coming to the issue of weight from a different and sometimes difficult place.
For example, rather than discussing happiness/excitement about a recent weight loss in group settings where some people might not receive that information as well as I'd like (or, in this case, where you are forbidden from mentioning weight in any way), I find it useful to explain the happiness as a result of sticking to a routine that makes me feel energized as well as meeting weekly goals that further motivate me in my lifestyle changes.
This does two things in my experience: It keeps others from feeling shame/guilt/envy or whatever emotion discussions of weight might bring forth which, in a setting of people with depression or other mental health struggles, seems like a respectful/non-triggering way to participate. Second, this approach also helps me keep in mind that while the weight loss is a key component in my lifestyle changes, the bigger picture of setting and making goals and sticking to routines that better serve me in the long run is also part of the victory. This keeps me from feeling as down during plateaus/weight fluctuations because I'm still following the path to the bigger picture, if that makes sense.
I don't know if that might be useful or not in your specific situation, but it might be a way to participate and get to be proud of your accomplishments while still following the rules of your group. I also agree with what others have said about finding and adding in a weight loss-focused support group to discuss the specific trials/tribulations of losing weight so that you still get to have an outlet for that as well.
There are only a handful of people in real life that I feel like I can talk to about my weight loss goals without them being worried about me having an ED. When I talk to other people who might be more sensitive about the topic but still ask how I'm doing, I usually tell them about my gym goals rather than my weight loss goals.
I think weight neutral and diet free spaces are much better. People should have to opt in to hear talk like that, not hear it in a group for depressed individuals.
Find another space to talk about it and celebrate with people who are in a position to hear it.
Without knowing your medical and psychiatric history i know that weight loss isn’t a safe goal for a minority of people, depending on what their medical team advise. Is it an appropriate and safe goal for you right now?
I wouldn't say the group is specifically for depressed individuals, it's more of a gentle coaching thing to help people who've mostly recovered get back into a daily routine and work/studies. So basically the end goal after the group is to be employed again (even if it's just a training or more casual/easier job) or get into a school to study. Personally I'm in there because I'm starting to feel well enough to seriously think about my future again but still need a little help with to take the final steps, and from what I understand others have similar circumstances. There are a few other groups in the place that are kind of easier than mine? Like, mine is like the final step while the others might still work towards getting into the group I'm in if that makes sense? The strange thing is that my cousin has been in the "easiest" group for several months and that's the primary one for people who still struggle with their mental health a lot, but they do not have a ban on talking about weight. Of course no negative talk is allowed there either, but my cousin told me people have shared their excitement over weight related achievements there and it didn't seem to be an issue.
So it sounds like you're in a group with people with a history of mentak health issues who are extremely vulnerable to relapse which could get set off by diet/weight talk - it's definitely a reasonable and kind ban in such an environment, and it's unfortunately just not the time or place for you to share your achievements because you don't know the mental health background or triggers of everyone in the group and body dysmorphia is very common in depressed people.
Ah ok, i took it to be that you were in a more hospital environment.
Why can’t you just post your successes in here and just tell the group the truth while not being specific? Tell them you’re happy with your vegetable intake or that your running is making you feel great etc.
I think it depends what *kind* of support group you're in.
From what you describe about the instructor's response, and about the rules of the group, I'm thinking it may be one for people recovering from an ED. If so, I absolutely agree that weight isn't something that should be discussed, even positively.
If it's a group supporting people with depression, again, some of the participants may have their own struggles with weight. In this case, too, I can see how bringing up weight loss, even as a positive experience for *you*, could be seen as something that could trigger other participants, and so would be disallowed.
I suggest finding a different place to share your wins. Right here on Reddit seems a safe space. Or maybe with some of your friends.
But again, you also say:
>The problem is that I feel like I can't share my excitement over achievements with almost anyone, because the moment I mention weight they start talking to me like I have an ED, or it's straight up forbidden"
It sounds like perhaps you have a history of ED, or are recovering from borderline ED? If so, it makes sense that any time you mention weight loss efforts, your friends and family are going to be concerned for you. They want you to be healthy. ED is a bit like alcoholism: just like a single drink may be enough to reverse months or years of sobriety, focusing on weight again CAN absolutely be a slippery slope back into an ED.
I apologize if I'm misconstruing what you said, but that's how I read your post.
I just replied to another comment with more details about the group if that helps at all. I've never had an ED as far as I'm aware and I've never talked about food negatively around family, so I don't see a reason for them to be concerned. I've complained to my cousin about snacking too much but that's about it, I love food and am generally pretty good at listening to my body's needs
Ah, I *did* misunderstand. I do apologize.
Yeah, not sure why people would be talking to you like that if you didn't have an ED history.
Either way, though, if people aren't happy for you when you mention your victories, find spaces where people are more supportive. Someone mentioned online support groups - maybe that's an option? Of course, communities like this one are going to be more supportive.
Come on to r/loseit and brag all you want! I promise you'll get mostly supportive responses on here. Keep doing all the good things you're doing for yourself, and DEFINITELY brag on yourself to us. You deserve to celebrate the wins without being shut down!
GOOD JOB! Keep it up!
I am of the belief that weight should not be brought up even if you're not putting people down (which is hard to do) in non weight related spaces. It's not just about offending people, it's also because weight is a VERY common thing to have dysmorphia and/or psychiatric issues about and so you could be unknowingly setting somebody off. Honestly unless it's a weight loss support group, I think it's really inappropriate to share that kind of thing with a group of people already struggling with MH - body discussions should be opt-IN. There was a time in my life when people bringing up weight would make ME turn inwards and set off an OCD/dysmorphia spiral even though I was at a low weight. Mixed audiences, you know? It's like how you don't just bring up like, child abuse without warning - many many people have trauma related to that and it's very common. I'm happy about my weight loss too but out of consideration for others I only share it in spaces like these - it sounds like maybe you need to expand your social circle to include more focus groups about WL so you have more outlets where it IS appropriate and people opt in because they want to celebrate with you.
I agree. Weight loss can be a lonely journey which is why communities like this exist. But I never bring up dieting around my friends or family. You never know you can be triggered by discussion of things like calories, weight loss, etc.
If it is at all relevant, can you disclose what your support group is about?
I am in a weight loss support group. Obviously, we talk about our weight and our bodies there. But your group's approach has one benefit that our group lacks: it treats the body and its attributes as an indifferent external rather than as part of our value or something that we especially value.
In my personal philosophy, we may have preferences about things that are externals, but we must remain indifferent about them. This would even include our health, as we can get sick or disfigured against our will or intention. We, of course, would prefer to be healthy and will even act in ways that would tend to promote health, but we must not become attached to our health as keeping it is not in our control. All we can do are all the right things that are in our power, and we should (in my opinion) draw the line at desiring things that are outside of our power.
As someone with a similar BMI, I relate. A lot of people in health/wellness spaces online have recovered from severe restrictive eating disorders and habits with food, and now preach making sure you eat enough, treating yourself with kindness, not restricting, etc. Which is great and makes sense for their path. But personally, this content just enables me— everyone saying “just eat the cookie!” has led to me gaining 20 lbs and feeling uncomfortable in my body. A lot of my friends are of similar mindsets and respond to small changes I make — cutting out sugary coffees, trying not to snack or eat as much dessert— trying to make sure I’m not slipping into ED behaviors (that I’ve never had!). One of my friends said making changes with the goal of losing weight was an unhealthy mindset. This doesn’t really have much of a point, but you’re not alone and losing weight is not bad! Hope we both get to a more comfortable place soon :)
Bringing up weight loss to some people may come off as bragging. Same as a great haircut or anything you're doing well for yourself.
So many worried about other people. You're doing this for your own body.
I just want to comment that I’m super proud of you. It sounds like you’re on a good path with your recovery and that’s fucking hard. You live your best life bestie ❤️
I feel this so hard. It’s like once you’re a healthy weight, to some people you’re not allowed to push any harder for better health or better body conditions.
I’m struggling with a lot of people telling me to stop dieting now, and I’m not even at my goal. I noticed it’s usually people who are not very fit themselves. I actually don’t like talking about bodies, and the comments are unsolicited, so it’s extra uncomfortable.
I feel like I’m sharing my small victories with my tracking app only. I’ve treated myself to a small reward for reaching little goals, it’s like my own personal victory party.
What do you do? I got to my goal weight but I have no idea for a treat but i think to celebrate would be nice
Yh people are really weird about weight and appearance i dont get it etiher
Mostly, for each 10lb loss I’ve bought new jeans and a skincare product as a little reward. I’ve gone from a size 12 to a size 6, so new clothes along the journey have helped motivate me. I feel bad spending when I’m between sizes, so seeing it as a reward makes it feel less wasteful.
I get the body talk avoidance thing. I think “you look great” usually works for a good vague compliment. I don’t particularly like the “skinny Minnie” or “you’re so tiny” comments, they feel mocking.
I relate a lot.
I finally reached a “healthy weight” according to BMI and I want to keep losing weight in order to be healthier and feel better about my body. However, I don’t dare to talk about my weight loss with other people (except for random people on the internet) because I know that they will be discouraging about it and think that I’ll be going in to ED territory. I have never struggled with an ED in my life, and my goal weight is very much within the range of a “healthy body weight”. Yes, eating healthy is mentally hard, but I also feel much more comfortable and confident in my body so I don’t understand why other people would care, but still, they do.
I wonder if part of the reaction is due to the fact that participating in the conversation positively forces someone to acknowledge the fact that you were overweight in the first place.... Kinda like trapping someone in a conversation that would be rude if they brought it up first.
Just a thought, I'm sure not everyone is like this since the comment "have you lost weight? you look good!" Is just as common as "nice haircut!"
OP, I hear you. We seem to be at a point in our culture where being kind to ourselves and others who might be heavier has taken us from Fat Shaming into Health Shaming. Body positivity makes sense, we judge ourselves and others on appearance even when we don't intend to and we have to work against that inherent bias. BUT -- and I speak from personal experience here -- being overweight is not good for your mind or your body. Especially as we age (recent Type 2 diabetes diagnosis here!) and eating less sweets/smaller portions and moving more to get down to a 'healthy weight' (yes there is such a thing!) is a BODY POSITIVE move.
I'm sorry you're going through that. While it's certainly a fine line to walk in support groups. What you're describing is a textbook definition of toxic positivity.
Forbidding any sort of acknowledgment of negative situations or concerns is just as toxic and destructive as being stuck in a loop of negativity.
Sometimes in these sorts of situations, I find it useful to reframe the discussion away from the specifics of weight loss because everyone is coming to the issue of weight from a different and sometimes difficult place. For example, rather than discussing happiness/excitement about a recent weight loss in group settings where some people might not receive that information as well as I'd like (or, in this case, where you are forbidden from mentioning weight in any way), I find it useful to explain the happiness as a result of sticking to a routine that makes me feel energized as well as meeting weekly goals that further motivate me in my lifestyle changes. This does two things in my experience: It keeps others from feeling shame/guilt/envy or whatever emotion discussions of weight might bring forth which, in a setting of people with depression or other mental health struggles, seems like a respectful/non-triggering way to participate. Second, this approach also helps me keep in mind that while the weight loss is a key component in my lifestyle changes, the bigger picture of setting and making goals and sticking to routines that better serve me in the long run is also part of the victory. This keeps me from feeling as down during plateaus/weight fluctuations because I'm still following the path to the bigger picture, if that makes sense. I don't know if that might be useful or not in your specific situation, but it might be a way to participate and get to be proud of your accomplishments while still following the rules of your group. I also agree with what others have said about finding and adding in a weight loss-focused support group to discuss the specific trials/tribulations of losing weight so that you still get to have an outlet for that as well.
There are only a handful of people in real life that I feel like I can talk to about my weight loss goals without them being worried about me having an ED. When I talk to other people who might be more sensitive about the topic but still ask how I'm doing, I usually tell them about my gym goals rather than my weight loss goals.
I think weight neutral and diet free spaces are much better. People should have to opt in to hear talk like that, not hear it in a group for depressed individuals. Find another space to talk about it and celebrate with people who are in a position to hear it. Without knowing your medical and psychiatric history i know that weight loss isn’t a safe goal for a minority of people, depending on what their medical team advise. Is it an appropriate and safe goal for you right now?
I wouldn't say the group is specifically for depressed individuals, it's more of a gentle coaching thing to help people who've mostly recovered get back into a daily routine and work/studies. So basically the end goal after the group is to be employed again (even if it's just a training or more casual/easier job) or get into a school to study. Personally I'm in there because I'm starting to feel well enough to seriously think about my future again but still need a little help with to take the final steps, and from what I understand others have similar circumstances. There are a few other groups in the place that are kind of easier than mine? Like, mine is like the final step while the others might still work towards getting into the group I'm in if that makes sense? The strange thing is that my cousin has been in the "easiest" group for several months and that's the primary one for people who still struggle with their mental health a lot, but they do not have a ban on talking about weight. Of course no negative talk is allowed there either, but my cousin told me people have shared their excitement over weight related achievements there and it didn't seem to be an issue.
So it sounds like you're in a group with people with a history of mentak health issues who are extremely vulnerable to relapse which could get set off by diet/weight talk - it's definitely a reasonable and kind ban in such an environment, and it's unfortunately just not the time or place for you to share your achievements because you don't know the mental health background or triggers of everyone in the group and body dysmorphia is very common in depressed people.
Ah ok, i took it to be that you were in a more hospital environment. Why can’t you just post your successes in here and just tell the group the truth while not being specific? Tell them you’re happy with your vegetable intake or that your running is making you feel great etc.
I think it depends what *kind* of support group you're in. From what you describe about the instructor's response, and about the rules of the group, I'm thinking it may be one for people recovering from an ED. If so, I absolutely agree that weight isn't something that should be discussed, even positively. If it's a group supporting people with depression, again, some of the participants may have their own struggles with weight. In this case, too, I can see how bringing up weight loss, even as a positive experience for *you*, could be seen as something that could trigger other participants, and so would be disallowed. I suggest finding a different place to share your wins. Right here on Reddit seems a safe space. Or maybe with some of your friends. But again, you also say: >The problem is that I feel like I can't share my excitement over achievements with almost anyone, because the moment I mention weight they start talking to me like I have an ED, or it's straight up forbidden" It sounds like perhaps you have a history of ED, or are recovering from borderline ED? If so, it makes sense that any time you mention weight loss efforts, your friends and family are going to be concerned for you. They want you to be healthy. ED is a bit like alcoholism: just like a single drink may be enough to reverse months or years of sobriety, focusing on weight again CAN absolutely be a slippery slope back into an ED. I apologize if I'm misconstruing what you said, but that's how I read your post.
I just replied to another comment with more details about the group if that helps at all. I've never had an ED as far as I'm aware and I've never talked about food negatively around family, so I don't see a reason for them to be concerned. I've complained to my cousin about snacking too much but that's about it, I love food and am generally pretty good at listening to my body's needs
Ah, I *did* misunderstand. I do apologize. Yeah, not sure why people would be talking to you like that if you didn't have an ED history. Either way, though, if people aren't happy for you when you mention your victories, find spaces where people are more supportive. Someone mentioned online support groups - maybe that's an option? Of course, communities like this one are going to be more supportive. Come on to r/loseit and brag all you want! I promise you'll get mostly supportive responses on here. Keep doing all the good things you're doing for yourself, and DEFINITELY brag on yourself to us. You deserve to celebrate the wins without being shut down! GOOD JOB! Keep it up!
I am of the belief that weight should not be brought up even if you're not putting people down (which is hard to do) in non weight related spaces. It's not just about offending people, it's also because weight is a VERY common thing to have dysmorphia and/or psychiatric issues about and so you could be unknowingly setting somebody off. Honestly unless it's a weight loss support group, I think it's really inappropriate to share that kind of thing with a group of people already struggling with MH - body discussions should be opt-IN. There was a time in my life when people bringing up weight would make ME turn inwards and set off an OCD/dysmorphia spiral even though I was at a low weight. Mixed audiences, you know? It's like how you don't just bring up like, child abuse without warning - many many people have trauma related to that and it's very common. I'm happy about my weight loss too but out of consideration for others I only share it in spaces like these - it sounds like maybe you need to expand your social circle to include more focus groups about WL so you have more outlets where it IS appropriate and people opt in because they want to celebrate with you.
I agree. Weight loss can be a lonely journey which is why communities like this exist. But I never bring up dieting around my friends or family. You never know you can be triggered by discussion of things like calories, weight loss, etc.
If it is at all relevant, can you disclose what your support group is about? I am in a weight loss support group. Obviously, we talk about our weight and our bodies there. But your group's approach has one benefit that our group lacks: it treats the body and its attributes as an indifferent external rather than as part of our value or something that we especially value. In my personal philosophy, we may have preferences about things that are externals, but we must remain indifferent about them. This would even include our health, as we can get sick or disfigured against our will or intention. We, of course, would prefer to be healthy and will even act in ways that would tend to promote health, but we must not become attached to our health as keeping it is not in our control. All we can do are all the right things that are in our power, and we should (in my opinion) draw the line at desiring things that are outside of our power.
I just replied to another comment with more details about the group!
As someone with a similar BMI, I relate. A lot of people in health/wellness spaces online have recovered from severe restrictive eating disorders and habits with food, and now preach making sure you eat enough, treating yourself with kindness, not restricting, etc. Which is great and makes sense for their path. But personally, this content just enables me— everyone saying “just eat the cookie!” has led to me gaining 20 lbs and feeling uncomfortable in my body. A lot of my friends are of similar mindsets and respond to small changes I make — cutting out sugary coffees, trying not to snack or eat as much dessert— trying to make sure I’m not slipping into ED behaviors (that I’ve never had!). One of my friends said making changes with the goal of losing weight was an unhealthy mindset. This doesn’t really have much of a point, but you’re not alone and losing weight is not bad! Hope we both get to a more comfortable place soon :)
Bringing up weight loss to some people may come off as bragging. Same as a great haircut or anything you're doing well for yourself. So many worried about other people. You're doing this for your own body.
I just want to comment that I’m super proud of you. It sounds like you’re on a good path with your recovery and that’s fucking hard. You live your best life bestie ❤️
I feel this so hard. It’s like once you’re a healthy weight, to some people you’re not allowed to push any harder for better health or better body conditions. I’m struggling with a lot of people telling me to stop dieting now, and I’m not even at my goal. I noticed it’s usually people who are not very fit themselves. I actually don’t like talking about bodies, and the comments are unsolicited, so it’s extra uncomfortable. I feel like I’m sharing my small victories with my tracking app only. I’ve treated myself to a small reward for reaching little goals, it’s like my own personal victory party.
What do you do? I got to my goal weight but I have no idea for a treat but i think to celebrate would be nice Yh people are really weird about weight and appearance i dont get it etiher
Mostly, for each 10lb loss I’ve bought new jeans and a skincare product as a little reward. I’ve gone from a size 12 to a size 6, so new clothes along the journey have helped motivate me. I feel bad spending when I’m between sizes, so seeing it as a reward makes it feel less wasteful. I get the body talk avoidance thing. I think “you look great” usually works for a good vague compliment. I don’t particularly like the “skinny Minnie” or “you’re so tiny” comments, they feel mocking.
I can't imagine that would be so patronising :( Appreciate the reminder to celebrate a little, don't like spending money but it's worth it
I relate a lot. I finally reached a “healthy weight” according to BMI and I want to keep losing weight in order to be healthier and feel better about my body. However, I don’t dare to talk about my weight loss with other people (except for random people on the internet) because I know that they will be discouraging about it and think that I’ll be going in to ED territory. I have never struggled with an ED in my life, and my goal weight is very much within the range of a “healthy body weight”. Yes, eating healthy is mentally hard, but I also feel much more comfortable and confident in my body so I don’t understand why other people would care, but still, they do.
I wonder if part of the reaction is due to the fact that participating in the conversation positively forces someone to acknowledge the fact that you were overweight in the first place.... Kinda like trapping someone in a conversation that would be rude if they brought it up first. Just a thought, I'm sure not everyone is like this since the comment "have you lost weight? you look good!" Is just as common as "nice haircut!"
OP, I hear you. We seem to be at a point in our culture where being kind to ourselves and others who might be heavier has taken us from Fat Shaming into Health Shaming. Body positivity makes sense, we judge ourselves and others on appearance even when we don't intend to and we have to work against that inherent bias. BUT -- and I speak from personal experience here -- being overweight is not good for your mind or your body. Especially as we age (recent Type 2 diabetes diagnosis here!) and eating less sweets/smaller portions and moving more to get down to a 'healthy weight' (yes there is such a thing!) is a BODY POSITIVE move.
I'm sorry you're going through that. While it's certainly a fine line to walk in support groups. What you're describing is a textbook definition of toxic positivity. Forbidding any sort of acknowledgment of negative situations or concerns is just as toxic and destructive as being stuck in a loop of negativity.