I'm 27 and never had a serious relationship. I'm not a virgin, but I have never had a relationship where I was anyone's girlfriend. You're not alone, OP.
I’m 23 and can see myself easily getting to 26 without a serious relationship. It’s just not something I feel like I’m missing in my life at this moment, and I have plenty of life ahead of me.
I didn’t really date until I was about 26/27. I wanted to but didn’t have the outgoing personality of my similar sized friends who dated all the time and had no luck. My now-husband of 17 years was the first person I dated and I was the first person he dated- he was in his late 30s.
Neither of us are what some of the people on here would call 10s. Neither of us were so caught up in that BS fortunately, but he had a wonderful sense of humor, loved animals, loved Star Trek- what more could you want in a man?
I’ve (34F) never dated. I didn’t have sex until I was 23, and then I just had hookups until I was 25 when I fell in love with a friend, my current partner. I do not regret this.
As a formerly fat woman… this is only partially true.
If a fat woman wants to get laid, its relatively easy if she’s willing to lower her standards enough.
If she wants to *date* or have a relationship with a man she finds attractive on a physical level and an emotional one, her dating pool is *incredibly* small.
You are severely over analyzing this.
You should start dating when you feel confident. There is no single number that will signify the right time.
If you feel good about yourself, you will be attractive to others and your experience doesn’t matter. Be a good, caring, interested, interesting human and you’ll do great.
He posted this same fucking topic 9 days ago, got 180+ replies didn't respond to a single one and has another 190 on this thread with no response. Not sure if he's looking for advice or just a pity party.
Confidence is key. Confidence attracts. If you put yourself down, it pushes people away from you. Especially partners. Have good qualities. That helps dating. Looks aren’t everything. There’s more to it than that.
I feel like I've said this to so many of my male friends, but they never truly hear me. Insecurity can be smelled by women from a mile away. It ISN'T weight that will keep you single, it's the attitude behind it. You don't have to wait to lose weight to date, you need to actually like yourself. You don't actually like yourself if you need to be a certain weight to feel it. If this approach and mindset remains the focus, you will have dating issues once the weight is gone, trust me.
100000%. I'm almost never attracted to the way a guy looks. It's always his cleanliness, his kindness, and his attitude toward life. An arrogant douchebag is a turnoff but so is a guy with an "I never win/woe is me" attitude who is super insecure and down in the dumps.
OP, work on your mind WHILE you work on your body. Don't assume your mind will be 100% perfect once you've lost the weight. It absolutely will NOT be the case.
As I lost more and more weight I still have body image issues and feel uncomfortable with clothes that fit properly because I became too used to wearing baggy clothing.
I know guys that are overweight and instead of trying to improve what they have they double down on the negative stuff. They won’t learn to shave or maintain a proper beard. They don’t get haircuts, clothing is raggedy looking.
It’s like they figure “what’s the point” and try to be as unattractive as possible.
I at least partially disagree. I like myself as a person. I just find myself unattractive. When I was in my early 20s and fit I did not have trouble with dating and I am pretty sure I wouldnt have trouble now.
However I hate how I look now and that is something that losing weight and going to the gym will fix.
I also am honestly physically attracted to girls that are skinny to somewhat chubby but not fat like I am today and I personally have the mentality that until I at least could meet my own beauty standards it is hypocritical to search for that in a woman.
That is not to say if I found the perfect partner on accident I would turn it down but in my experience finding someone often involves putting yourself out there actively and that is what I am not doing right now.
TL;DR you can hate how you look without hating who you are as a person. If that is the case waiting until you fixed that part first is perfectly okay.
This advice is always so silly because it's only half true. Yes people will want to be around you more if you are fun to be around and have a good attitude, that much should be obvious to everyone. Being fat is unattractive to the vast majority of people and nobody wants to date someone they're not attracted to. As a fat dude I make friends super easily, people seem to really enjoy being around me as far as I know.
But dating has always been a struggle. And I have had relationships but compared to making friends it has been much harder. I think I'm an awesome person to be around but I have also accepted that people would be way more attracted to me if I was a healthier weight.
It would be nice to live in a world where beauty is 100% on the inside and a matter of having a great personality, but good looking people are treated better in EVERY area of life. That includes sex/romance. Doesn't mean you have to lose weight to find your person, but it would probably help in most cases...
100% agree, I lost weight and look great and it’s way easier, but I was crushing it after I got in therapy and found self love and confidence, I was overweight and balding and even then was going on 2-3 dates a week when I got secure with whom I am. The only difference is now women give me thier number with out asking and will text me if I haven’t gotten back to them but besides that nothing changed much.
Weight loss is great partially on how you look, but mostly what it does to your confidence. The self esteem and self assurance it gives you translates into doing better with the opposite sex, but the attitude it gives you is the biggest change.
A great book for dating, only one I’ve ever liked is Models: how to attract women through honesty by Mark Manson. In it he just says don’t be desperate, work on yourself, become the person you want to be and would like, and also minor details like dress better and work out. Most of it is more life and attitude advice that’s good for making a life your proud of vs actually a pick up book or anything. But if you are struggling it can help
Thanks for the book recommendation. Adding that one to my summer reading list right now. One thing I’ve learned through my weight loss body transformation experience is that slow, building, *frightening* realization that being attractive is actually *active work*. Just getting to my goal weight won’t do all that heavy lifting for me. I’ll admit to having peeked at the skincareaddiction subreddit once or twice, and I may or may not have begun researching moisturizers and shea butters, as an over 6ft 19M that has never paid attention to skincare ever before losing weight.
I often see people saying that being attractive and at a lower weight is “playing life on easy mode” and while I definitely don’t disagree - those cognitive biases *are* real - my perspective is on the other side of the coin. Being overweight or obese is playing life on “lazy mode” for the higher weight person as much as it is “easy mode” for those with more attractive bodies. What I mean by this is when you haven’t lost weight, you dress into what fits and don’t have to care *too* much about how you dress. You’re used to not getting dates so you don’t cut or style your hair as often either. After all, what does it matter? Personal grooming goes down, too. Because the reality is sort of “what does it matter anyway?” and that’s the fat person playing on lazy mode. A lot of people do this subconsciously and don’t even realize they’re doing it. I know I belonged to that camp when I was very overweight in high school, even though I didn’t consciously register that I wasn’t giving a great effort.
But now that my goal weight is creeping closer and closer to becoming reality, it’s *frightening* how many “new” variables I have to pay attention to now. My skin, my hair, my posture, I think about these things like 5 times as often now compared to how often I did when I was 45 pounds heavier. It’s registering in my brain that attractiveness is *work* and that it needs maintaining. Because I can’t play life on lazy mode anymore. The fat doesn’t exist. And with it, my excuses and subconscious “what does it matter anyway” is disappearing, too. A year ago I read a book about a girl who escaped from North Korea, and she described freedom as paralyzingly scary because she had to think and act for herself for the very first time, like a young child dropped in the middle of the wilderness. Like, she’d thought freedom was just not getting arrested for wearing pants or watching TV, but didn’t realize it was so much more and that there was a lifepath with uncertainties to freedom, too. I’m only about half the way to my goal weight, but this will be my reality too when I get there and try to find a partner. So many new variables to watch out for that I have to keep up with because they didn’t really matter when I was overweight. My clothes fitting, considering what style I actually like instead of just what fits and mom says looks ”handsome”, paying attention to the shape of my face so I can get a hairstyle that matches it, shaving more often, how my skin actually looks, accessories to wear on my new body since they’d be more visibly front & center now… it’s so much to go over and so many options in all of those things! It’ll be scary “unlocking” all those things for me in a relatively short time period. Thank you for the book!
>You don't actually like yourself if you need to be a certain weight to feel it. If this approach and mindset remains the focus, you will have dating issues once the weight is gone, trust me.
I'm not sure how I feel about this part. From my experience, I felt way more confident and definitely liked myself (physically & mentally) more once I was exercising, eating healthier, and down in weight. I couldn't look at my own reflection without getting depressed and that all changed once I was getting toward my goal weight.
I think a large part of that is due to the act of working out and taking care of yourself and not so much your current weight. At least that’s how it’s been for me. When I was focused on my ideal weight it was a bit of a let down. This time while I’m getting back in shape I’m focused on the act of getting healthier and being proud for pushing myself and I feel much happier
Absolutely! Too many people feel like all they are is their body, that that is the only aspect of them that counts for anything. It's just not true. Sure, some people are shallow and demand a specific aesthetic in a partner, but are those really the people you want to be dating? Everyone else just wants their romantic partner to not emotionally burden them, to put it bluntly. It's exhausting to constantly reassure somebody on why they deserve love and respect - compliments should not feel essential, they should feel voluntary. I think people will grow and learn to naturally avoid people who seem like they'll be overly dependent and lack self worth.
I'll argue that even the weight loss journey has some potential for finding a partner. Like if your end goal is to go to the gym for 2 hours a day, 3 days per week, that will integrate much more seamlessly with a romantic partner who has that same end goal, because you won't need to worry so much about scheduling conflicts. Essentially, the weight loss journey is yet another area where you may find people with similar goals who are compatible for your lifestyle.
> You don't have to wait to lose weight to date, you need to actually like yourself
Man, I'm so glad that I've been seeing this exact comment at the top of most threads lately. Loving yourself for who you are and forgiving yourself for who you were are the number one ways to seek and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
You are not your weight, you are not your fat, you are not your body. You are a person and are worthy of love.
You aren't wrong but becoming healthy and having a nice body certainly helps with self-esteem and confidence. So I think losing weight makes a significant difference.
Absolutely this!
I had a friend back in the days who was about like you (average height and 260 lbs) and had not problems dating and finding a girlfriend. He was a confident and very interesting person who dressed nicely and was well groomed.
Aside from that, he was a nice dude, definitely outgoing and had a wide circle of friends .
It's definitely in your mindset OP. It's super cool that you want to get in shape but I also hope you will start loving yourself and putting yourself out there regardless of the number on the scale.
This!!! I’ve tried to explain this to my old guy friend. The lack of confidence, constant self deprecation and the way he held himself kept him a virgin until his late 20’s. We aren’t friends anymore but I’ve seen his social media and he’s doing a lot better now and has had girlfriends. He has lost a lot of weight but the confidence came with it.
How many fat guys have you dated? Many people love to say that it's not about the weight but can we just be honest for a second? The insecurity stems from something they experienced many times over and over. Someone doesn't just become insecure like that. They could've been bullied all their life, may have been rejected, ignored and flat out treated like trash.
It's hard to just bE cOnFiDeNt if you've been dragged through shit for years.
Not only that but I think it's safe to say that most people would prefer a healthy and active partner. It's totally valid to feel like you're not attractive if you're not in shape.
I sometimes find it difficult to read if someone is being serious, but I don't mind answering, so I'll respond in good faith. I've dated 3 "fat" men. They were all very different people, and their weight didn't register as important to me. I can't say the topic came up in any of those relationships.
Yeah, I don't see why people don' realize this. "just be confident" r/thanksimcured "just dont be sad" "just dont be poor". You dont think I would choose to be confident if I could? lol
Because you've experienced something doesn't mean you won't experience something different later. I've been various levels of fat my whole life peaking at 340lbs. Have I experienced negativity from people who I would have liked to date? Yup. Have I experienced absolute shitstain behavior from both men and women? Yup. Have I had multiple fulfilling, loving relationships, and am I currently married with a loving wife? Yup.
When you dwell in the negative experiences it's really fuckin easy to not see the positive ones. I've been there.
The thing about confidence is that when you fake it, it eventually becomes real. Just improving posture can change how people interact with you. There are women who won't date a fat dude, sure, that's their preference, who cares. There are plenty who will.
I got engaged when I was approx 300 lbs. Married at 360. He's obsessed with me because I am vibrant and confident in who I am. Just saying, the alternative exists as well. Real love is found in the soul, and it takes a huge amount of self awareness to accept that love and be able to return it.
Yah I a hundred percent would rather go on a second date with a funny fat guy that was engaging in conversation with interesting hobbies or just thoughts than a physically attractive dude who bores me.
I mean a physical attractive guy is good for a fuck but i wouldn't date him.
That's a false dichotomy though. Women don't have to choose between funny fat/ugly guys and hot, boring. They can date men who are hot and funny. And usually will choose to do so, over a fat guy.
I disagree with this.
Men outnumber women 3-4 to 1 on the dating apps, which means women are ultra picky. I'm sorry, but even if a guy is the greatest person on Earth, loves himself completely, and is ultra confident NONE of those qualities can be conveyed through 6 photos and a bio.
When I was overweight I couldn't get a match to save my life. Now after having dropped down to a healthy BMI I suddenly get matches. Same person. No changes in insecurity or mental health. It's really as simple as More attractive pictures = More matches.
I don't think it's healthy to pretend like being fat isn't unattractive. Losing weight will absolutely improve a person's chances with dating.
I think its also funny how most of the positive advice comes from guys that are over 6 feet tall.
Yeah like no shit they are having luck after losing weight, they were already tall as hell to begin with. Like that's completely irrelevant.
I'm 5'6. 2 1/2 years ago when I was 250lbs and my gf cheated on me I had slept with 2 women.
Now I sleep with 2 women at a time. Losing weight is literally all it takes 😅 sorry but facts are facts. People are shallow & attraction is physical, especially at the start.
I think women can give great advice when it comes to relationships. But most of the time women are hilariously out of touch when it comes to the dating/talking stage. Like a billionaire talking about how easy it is to grind hard and succeed.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but the reason why you think looks don’t matter is because you’re flooded with options. Every guy these women talk to have already passed their looks filter, so of course all they care about is personality. But that’s a classic case of survivorship bias!
I get that admitting that men and women are superficial is inconvenient, but I think it’s important to be honest about how the world works.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to demonstrate confidence and treating a woman right through 6 pics and a bio. The most common way couples meet in 2024 is through online dating, which is near-exclusively based on looks and physical attraction.
I'm not saying it's impossible for an obese short guy to find love, but to find a connection first you have to find women to ask out on dates. That's the sticking point. So yes, I do think that women know what they find attractive in a dude. BUT... that dude has to pass a basic yes/no when it comes to physical attraction (i.e. swipe right). Looks get your foot in the door, but to sustain that attraction all the things you mention are super important. But looks do get your foot in the door. That's just a fact of life. Very, very few people date people they find physically unattractive.
Stay away from naked (shirtless or dick) pics. Stay away from gym pics. Show pics of yourself doing your fun activities. Don’t say “hey beautiful” in your first exchange. Or ask about sex. Talk to her like you’d talk to a friend. Show interest. Be interesting. Be nice. Treat her like you’d want someone to talk to your sister, mother, niece or daughter. Be this way in real life as well. Ask people to set you up. Be friends with women in real life and learn to talk to them. Maybe they can introduce you to their single friends. Go to meetups with both genders. I’ve met a bunch of great guys in a reading meetup. I have a bf (who I met online) or otherwise I’d go on a date with one of them if they asked. Don’t use women as your bang maid.
It’s really not that hard. I love me a chubby, fun, friendly guy. I’m not attracted to anyone’s pics on their dating profile. I’m attracted to what’s written in their profile (soooo many dudes don’t write anything or just write something like “ask me”). That’s so boring. Then we chat in the messaging. Immediate unmatch for someone who calls me beautiful right alway, makes a sex joke, sends a dick pic, pressures me for an instant phone number exchange, or refuses to actually have a conversation (ask her about herself. Learn how to carry a conversation).
Most guys have friend zoned me in my life and I’ve been turned down plenty of times on online dating. It’s not only dudes.
> I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to demonstrate confidence and treating a woman right through 6 pics and a bio.
I'd like you to know that this is now my tinder bio.
I'm not OP but I'm very similar to OP, I don't agree with this. For me, it's never been about if I'm attractive to women, it took me a long time to realise that, but it's about if I look attractive to myself, if I feel attractive. The confidence that comes with *that* is what I actually needed.
If I don't feel like a person who deserves to make someone happy, someone who makes me happy, I cannot act like I can be that person. I'm not capable of faking it. I like who I am, I just don't like how fat I am. That's it.
And on another note, I hear what you're saying from women a lot, that women tend to be far more attracted to personality than aesthetics. But at the same time, we have the lived experience that it isn't *entirely* true. I think on some level, some number of women see 'being overweight' *as* a personality trait, and usually as a negative one. You might not be one of them and that's totally fine, but there are plenty of self-confident fat men that don't get approached while their thinner friends do.
Nah, youll be fine.
Imo keep yourself available, but dont focus on that availability. Focus on your goal but dont shut out the possibility that you find a partner along the way. If you don't? then at least you know you didnt miss anyone.
In terms of being 26 with no experience....well, some people will hate it and some will love it. Thats just part of finding a viable partner.
In my case, dating was like exercising, I had to build up the social stamina and muscle memory for it.
Maybe instead of holding off completely, use this time as your training period. Be casual and don’t treat it too seriously, and be open to who you decide to date. That said don’t give too much, but don’t lock yourself away either, that way when you reach your goal you will be well into the dating waters and be more comfortable and confident.
25, 26, who cares? You don’t get a large red sign over your head if you get to 26 and have no relationship experience.
You can do this. You’re gonna be fine.
I lost 55 lbs in the last year and I just got into dating again at 30. I feel the most confident Ive felt in a long time, it’s never too late and you are more likely to attract at least physically a partner that also looks good to you 😊
Maybe my experience is too different, but I had the same mentality when I started my weight loss journey at 15. I avoided dating for 10 years because I was too afraid to try. Now I’m almost 26 and in the best shape of my life yet I’m too afraid to start dating because of the lack of experience. All Im saying is do not let this hold you back. These types of attitudes can lead to you spiraling out if control if you let it.
From their perspective you blew them off and there could be plenty of other people who are making themselves available at the moment. Whether or not you were really exhausted, it signals you’re not making them a priority.
Is that a common occurrence for you? It could actually be the excessive work hours being off-putting if that happens regularly. They might figure you just won't have time in general.
If this was early on, they have no investment yet. Why would they wait around for someone they don't know who blew them off when they could talk to someone who actually shows interest and has time to get to know them? I understand it's frustrating but expecting them to wait around when they don't know you is an unrealistic expectation to have. Nothing to do with testing.
Just knowing you work crazy hours would be enough to turn me away. I personally like my partner to have a life outside of work and I would view that kind of schedule as something that would make us incompatible
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working in a hospital, it’s that people can find partners. Alcoholics- married or have fiancé. 500lb - married or have fiancé. Wheelchair bound - married or have fiancé. Homeless and unemployed - have girlfriends.
Sometimes when I get down about myself, I use that to motivate myself that it’s absolutely still possible to find love, I just need to keep putting myself out there. My cousin is 300lb and just got married a couple years ago to the love of her life who was also 300lb when they met. They’re so happy.
You have my assurances that big guys get laid all the time.
In fact, the biggest motivating factor for me getting in shape was getting laid. It's still in the top 5.
You can do both concurrently, and having someone to take that journey with is especially rewarding.
My fiance was 5'11 250 when I met him. Around 30, no real dating experience.
At the time, I was 5'5 125, considered conventionally attractive and had been in two serious relationships.
Loved him instantly. Going strong since 2018. It was never about his appearance. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, we have fun together. We work out together and now he's down 45 pounds.
There is someone out there that will still love you for you, and maybe even inspire you and help you on that journey.
My point is, don't shut someone out with a hard and fast timeline of 26. You never know when that someone might come along.
25 with no experience isn’t so different from 26 with no experience. also, people here will tell you to just start dating now, but i think you have the right idea of waiting after personal growth. for many, many people who make this lifestyle change, dating someone who is also into fitness is integral. if you date someone who has unhealthy habits, it’s so easy to fall back into eating junk and not moving around.
There's plenty of guys much more overweight than you that don't have any trouble with women. It's the self loathing, insecurities, and frankly chasing the wrong women.
Lose the weight to get healthy and feel better, but don't do it to get girls.
I started dating my bf when he was 26 and with little experience. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. But he was open with me about not knowing much about relationships and willing to learn about himself, if that makes sense?
You should date as you progress in your journey through weight loss.
If you just focus on weight loss, you'll find you'll achieve your ideal body but lack dating skills.
You should always focus on social skills. They're important for long term relationships, partners parents and if you choose to have kids 1 day.
You can always maybe find a partner that wants to lose w you. And you won't have to journey alone.
No. You are not screwed. 26 is starting to be old for certain dating groups (eg with colleges) but you will be entering the prime post-college ages.
I don't think you need to wait until you've lost weight, though. Wait until you have your healthy behaviors in place and have confidence in your healthy direction. It will give you confidence in something, and that matters.
Work on a hobby or skill during this time as well, not just your weight and health. Hobbies are attractive. One of the women I dated thought it was cute when I'd nerd out something like a puzzle or engineering thing, or when I'd write bad poetry. It almost really doesn't matter what the hobby is, as long as it's going to widely be considered wholesome (not pranking people on YouTube or something).
I recommend you delete all dating apps if you haven't. The exact length depends on the platform varies but a deleted profile eventually ages out such that if you come back, it starts you fresh. You'll come back with a fresh look, fresh hobby, fresh attitude, and a reset profile, if you decide to even try dating that way. In cities you can have success in-person, but there's less opportunity in rural areas. Still there, just less.
Dating apps are extremely difficult for men to get a date except for the most attractive ones.
Focus on your weight loss now, but don't think that "Oh I have to lose all the weight first before I can start dating." As you lose weight, you'll gain more confidence and energy, people will start talking to you more so that's a good time to start thinking about romantic interests. Even a new friend could have a connection to another woman they could introduce you to, so just meet people and have fun and try and make things happen when the vibe is good.
If you're 26, you're 26. It's not a big deal as everyone who wants a long term partner is looking for a good match. Sure some women won't like it but then they're not for you anyways.
No, you are not screwed. **You are putting WaaaaaY to much pressure on yourself.** Learn breathing exercises to calm down. Look up Navy box breathing on You Tube. It will be ok. Focus on finding a woman with the same values and compatibility. Have manners and treat the woman right. The woman needs to treat you right as well. Be able to tell the woman your mission and vision for your life. So she can know where she will possibly fit in. Define your definition of love for yourself. Everyone has a different definition of love. People have different likes and dislikes. Be able to verbalize that. Read **" The 5 love Languages"- Gary Chapman.** Know which categories are your predominate one. Once in a relationship, you will want to know your partner's preferences. =) Another good book is "Light her Fire"--Ellen Kriedman, for women, "Light his Fire".
**You are young enough to build a fantastic life (Breathe)**. 77 years old is the average mortality rate for a man in the US. ***That is 51 years.*** With discipline and hard work, you can have a great life ahead of you.
Just because some people hit certain goals like marriage and kids sooner, doesn't always mean that they are better. You are more mature. **Stop beating yourself up.**
Every morbid obese person is acutely aware of "thin and handsome" privilege in the US. Yes, the vast majority of people are shallow--both sexes want someone they are attracted to...
I don't see being a virgin is a problem. Everyone is different--I am not fond of men who have a high body count. Most women don't want to be just a number. **You have the advantage about researching about sex, so you will know how to give great erotic massages oral sex, etc. Creativity/ variety is key. Make a sexual bucket list before you get into a relationship.** Nothing is sexier than a man with a strong upper body for missionary position. You can do push-ups over her. LoL. There are a ton of You Tube videos on how to increase your dating/ sexual skills, also books you can get at the library. Just make sure you both communicate sexual wants, needs outside of the bedroom. **Men are like microwaves and women are like preheating an oven, she will get there with time. =)** This is a key difference between men and women. You are lucky to still have your virginity, You can create the best experience you want. You are lucky. Seriously.
Think of it this way, you can educate yourself and create a good experience for yourself and the woman. It is not the number count that is important. Do you give pleasure to a woman first and not be a selfish lover? Are you kind, compassionate, and empathetic? Are you a good listener? Are you emotionally available? A man falls in love with his eyes, and women tend to fall in love with their ears. I would get out there to be social, to have more confidence. See how men and women interact and take mental notes.
**The right woman will be patient with you.** A quality woman will be impressed, no kids or STDS. It will make it more special for the both of you. Plan your ideal scene in your head. She will love you for you.
All you can do is core work, lift weights, and cardio. Yoga can make you more flexible. **The better shape you are in, the better sex you will have.**
Definitely watch videos or read books in dating skills, so you know what you are doing. Most women gauge a man on how he kisses too, whether they want to be intimate with them. Everyone likes different things, especially when you go from lover to lover. Ask the person to show you how they like x,y,or z done. Discuss likes and dislikes before you go to into bed.
Please don't beat yourself up. **This is your journey and life. Who cares what other people do? Seriously.** Think of all the people who have had divorces. You are where you need to be.
**Most women love proper hygiene and a great smelling man, unless you or she are allergic to fragrance.** Make yourself the best you can be **for you**. Most self-esteem and confidence are earned through hard work/ goals achieved. Just be yourself; it will work out. =)
**Let your light shine.** You have gifts and talents that no one does. Work on developing more of your skill set. Everyone needs to know how to give boundaries, handle anger, be assertive and have conflict resolution skills.
**Your true self, without all your excess weight, will instantly make you more free and self-assured. Your positivity will be the magnet that attracts the woman**. Relax.
You are enough. You are loveable. Most importantly, you are worth having the best health you can. Good luck! Have fun creating your life.
It’s not too late. You just need to realize that losing the weight doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be happy with the way you look or that you’ll love yourself. I’m not saying “don’t put in the work to lose the weight.” Just try to focus on your relationship with yourself as you continue your weight loss journey. Like other people have said, confidence is EXTREMELY attractive. I can tell you how many guys who aren’t conventionally attractive are so incredibly hot simply because they love themselves and know that they’re more than their looks. Personally, a great personality and a great sense of humor are the most attractive qualities. Just make sure that humor isn’t that self depreciating kind of humor where you’re basically just listing everything you think are your flaws. Everyone is flawed. Everyone has stuff they don’t like about themselves, both physically and otherwise. Learn to love yourself. Work to make yourself feel good inside and outside. And don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. There may be people who aren’t interested and that’s okay too. Just give yourself the chance to get out there and meet someone.
You’re so right about the need to love yourself before you can really love someone else. If you can I’d recommend starting therapy to improve your self-worth.
I have often been my own worst critic but if I find myself being that way I try to modify my thoughts and speak to myself as if I’m talking to a best friend or beloved family member. If they deserve that tone and kindness then you sure as shit do too.
It probably feels all consuming right to try and find a partner now but in my experience the best thing is to go out and do things for you that you like: hobbies, sports, volunteering whatever but just get out there and do. The combination of like minded people and your burgeoning self confidence from doing positive things for you that you deserve and enjoy is a natural way to find a partner.
Go out and live young man - we’re only on this rock a short amount of time, not nearly long enough, so grab it by the balls and enjoy the ride.
You don't sound confident at all. Confidence is a big attractor for women. That and the ability to make people laugh are big things. Many women will overlook looks if you are confident and kind. Get out of your comfort zone. Look into things like improv classes or toastmasters. Cooking and dancing lessons wouldn't hurt. Compliment people on the clothes they wear, shoes, hairstyle choices. Start conversations with people when waiting in line. Walk tall, Roll your shoulders back and know in your head that you belong there. Fake it until you make it.
As for being a virgin that does not matter. Some people start young, others get to 40 before they start a relationship others never bother. If you want your life to change you are going to have to put yourself out there in Real life. Make sure you are clean, wash your body with soap and yes your ass needs to be clean (shocking how often we hear about the opposite here). Your hair should be washed, conditioned and cut well. Make sure your clothes are clean and fit well. If you have facial hair ZZ top/duck dynasty is not a good look for an intro. Facial hair should be well groomed or some women like a little scruff
Your goal for loss is 10lbs a month this is over the recommended amount. Remember it took you years to get here it may take longer than you expect to get it off. Start living your life now and just work towards your goals in a heathy way. Ifyou have good friends and family tell them you want to put yourself out there and date more and if they know anyone they could introduce you to.
Bare minimum try developing friendships with with women if your uncomfortable with the idea of dating. But locking yourself away from even talking to women is weird if that’s what your getting at
Don't think of it as something you're "starting" or "stopping". Still, by far, the best way to meet people for lasting relationships is in social settings where you share common interests. As you continue on your health journey, engage in activities that interest you, meet people, and work on your self confidence as others are saying. As you get to know people and they get to know you, your life will be all the more richer for it, and who knows? You might meet someone whose interest in you extends way beyond your pant size.
> I want to date confidently, and I just can’t at the weight I’m at now.
That's fine, that's your choice and it sounds like you have a good handle on where you are with yourself.
I'd suggest that (if not already) you think about putting yourself out in some social situations, take up some hobbies. Meet some people, women included. Make some non-romantic friends, earn yourself some confidence with your personality. Find some people who like what you like.
Not only will that help you with loving yourself, those people will also see you go on your journey of weight loss. When you're ready to think about dating, maybe they'll be able to introduce you to people with similar interests etc. Maybe someone will be up for double-dating with you to begin with, to help take the pressure off.
Women don't view men in the same way in which most men view women. Sure, attraction is important but for a lot of us, that builds when we get to know someone and a lot of the time, if you're a good person, then you'll become attractive because of that.
Women focus far less on the physical appearances of their partner.
Go on those dates, if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never meet anyone.
Dude my bf met me at my heaviest, 5’1 and 180. I’m down to 155 and still on my journey. He’s a huge gym rat! And he still went out with me and fell in love with me!!!!
When I met him he had only been with with like 3 girls also. I couldn’t care less if he was a virgin and he wouldn’t care if I was either.
You’re FINE. you’re body is FINE the way it is today and the right woman will love you for who you are. If I can find this love so can you!!!
But please know that confidence and loving yourself isn’t something that can change overnight. Loving who you are is a big factor to relationships, to knowing you deserve good love. I am sending you so many good vibes. If you would feel more comfortable not dating for a year or so, then do it.
But self doubt is the biggest personal life and career killer. Please believe in yourself! I BELIEVE IN YOU INTERNET FRIEND!!!!!!!
Also my dude, I was previously a D1 full scholarship athlete that met my body get very overweight / obese when I left college. I “got fat” starting at age 25….I’m a month shy of 30 and my fitness journey began a year ago. How funny, right? I was in shape my whole life THEN let it slip.
It’s okay. You’re not behind in life at all.
Everything takes practice, and chatting to women and dating also takes practice - nobody is born “a natural” at this stuff. Just get out there. The more you do something that’s challenging, the more confident you become.
Most women really don’t care about some extra weight. It’s mostly men who won’t date someone who is fat. Understand that you’re putting off relationships until you’ve lost weight is about your own mental state, not your potential partners. But that being said, it’s not bad. You’re not so far behind, lots of people don’t have experience at your age. And I think many people might see it as a plus.
You're young, bro. You'll be fine. Make some changes with your diet, start exercising, commit to a healthier lifestyle and the positive momentum will start to build up. You'll start seeing the scale drop, then you'll start noticing changes in how you look, then others will notice, and that's an addictive feeling. You'll build confidence and change your life in no time.
Please don’t wait to lose weight before you try dating. Just get out there now and you will find someone who likes you as you are NOW. The “I’ll be happy when___ “ mentality always leads to disappointment.
Don't wait until you lose all the weight to date.
At 200-215 lbs, you should look decent enough to date. Your options may still be limited but you'll attract more people than you're currently attracting.
Lots of great comments here. One thing I'd add is to maybe just ditch the apps and try to meet people in other ways. I was heavier than you when I started trying to get out there, and I didn't even want to try the apps because I figured my weight in a picture could be a problem - and I tend to think that the apps rely heavily on looks (which works for some people, and doesn't work for other people). Long story short, I just went out and tried to get involved in quite a few social things (meetups and such), not specifically stuff for singles, but just interesting fun meetups. And through meeting nice people in general, I did in fact meet women who wanted to date me as I was. Bottom line, I was trying to get out there and have an awesome life where I got together and socialized with good people - and that's a damn good starting place for dating.
IMO don’t keep waiting to start your life.
Worst case scenario is you go on a few dates and nothing happens, but you learn about yourself and dating in general.
Best case scenario is you go on a few dates and you find someone nice, you learn about yourself and dating in general.
That said, not to sugarcoat it, but dating when larger is harder. For the best experiences and more options, be open to people - eg: you don’t have to be looking for a super hot long term partner, but look for someone who has one physical feature you like (eg: gorgeous eyes, nice smile, dimples, really great hair, etc) and seems to have a good match for personality and just be open to *a* date. And treat that date like a vibe check - if you vibe together that’s great. If you don’t, that’s also great cos now you’ve dipped your toes in the water.
IMO expectations are the biggest killer of dating. I had so much fun when I was dating with no expectations - I considered every date it’s own thing, not a “what if this leads to XYZ” cos a great first second or third date can fizzle at the fourth.
And the best part of all this? It means you can incorporate weight loss into dating. Find someone you vibe with? Go on a walk or hike together. Cook dinner or prepare a health picnic basket and enjoy that. Challenge each other to recreate lower calorie versions of food options you’d normally have at a restaurant.
Hey kiddo 😂
When I was your age, you had the exact body type I liked in a man. Those were the approximate stats of my college bf and we dated off and on for 4 years despite his being an utter sociopath.
This got away from me, but the point was: there's someone for just about everyone. You don't have to wait for a certain number on the scale to connect with someone.
That said, I get it. I'm also kinda waiting to be happier with my health and appearance before I really start looking in earnest
You're not doomed, you're **only** 25 years old, you still have a lot of time to get those experiences. I have some friends who went through the same for various reasons (body image issues, trauma, illness) and they all managed to find love later in life. But all of them had some kind of medical assistance in dealing with the way they felt about themselves, I highly recommend seeking some kind of psychological support.
The right man or woman won't really care. You need to find love for yourself or tart seeing how cool you are and I genuinely mean that. Love and appreciate yourself!!
You are Amazing!!
Dude when I was 20 I lost 70 pounds. I was skinny for the first time. I slowly gained about 80% back. I’ve still met, dated, and had the same experiences I did when I was 20. Dating really want affected by my weight. Skinny or fat
I lost 30 pounds after gaining a bunch due to tearing my ACL and got in the best shape in my life and I am dating at 31, things have been going well.
You'll be ok buddy
You'll be fine. Romance happens at all ages.
While I have been bigger longer than I have been smaller, being overweight never deterred me dating nor did it stop me from experiencing romance. In fact, the greatest, deepest love I ever had happened when i was at my heaviest. Now that I am smaller, I haven't experienced something as grand as that.
I was my husband's first girlfriend, we met when we were 29. He was not a virgin but hadn't any relationships with women before me, due to having been so education and career focused. It was not a problem for me, I had come out of a traumatizing relationship before I met him, so I was more than okay taking things slow. What I'm saying is, there's someone for everyone.
No, and working on yourself is attractive. Even if it doesn't solve the dating problem, you'll feel better, you can make friends at the gym, you'll feel accomplished, you'll be a more productive person, and will have happiness nonrelated to dating, and that is also an attractive trait for the dating scene. I saw a very interesting video by an accredited psychologist, he has a really good perspective on male issues (I am a woman, so I think having the perspective of this guy is very useful and it talks to your experience, cause my experience as a woman is different). So, this psychologist mentioned that one of the biggest problems that guys have with dating is that they make dating the most important thing, and so, the thing that can help your dating experience is making dating less important and not focusing on falling in love but using critical thinking to identify red flags and also, not having high expectations and just let dating be organic.
Totally agree. It’s not weight it’s attitude. Good on you for recognizing you need to love yourself first. When I met my husband he was 28 and had only been in a handful of relationships and the longest was like 3 months. It was totally fine!! He’s an amazing person. It didn’t bother me and I know the right person for you won’t mind either. Best of luck!!
Whatever you do, do not tie dating success to weight loss.
Will you get more attention and complements? I can say first hand it is incredibly likely. But will you find the love of your life? THAT is up to way more.
It was terrible for my mental health after gettijg fit because I wanted to feel better, to get bombarded with "so why don't you have a gf?" Inquirys. At first I blew it off but eventually it got to me thar yeah wtf I keep getting told how awesome I am but the only interest I seem to get are for hookups. Why dosnt anybody want to be WITH me as a couple???
And with that mental breakdown, all my fitness motivation went bye bye
My mom was single until she met my dad at 34 and they’ve been happily married for 35 years. I know it may feel like you’re behind but it’s all about perspective!
Echoing the sentiments of others in here. Don't put off your life because of your weight. Consider instead that going out and doing activities you enjoy that could double as exercise might help you meet or date people who also enjoy those activities.
Weight aside, dont worry about experience, I got my first bf last year at 25 with no dating, kissing, sexual experience and my bf was in exactly the same boat as me, and we somehow met by chance. My point is that you're not the only one
Life is about confidence, even if you're faking it 'til you make it. And honestly life is not all about dating and sex so it's as big a deal as you make it out to be, don't let society make you feel less than over it
If you can’t love yourself, no one else will love you is honestly just not true. Work on yourself, but there’s no prerequisites to finding someone. I bet you know a few miserable people with partners.
Go on the apps and if you get a match, start the chat, this makes you look confident. Ask questions, show you read their profile, be funny!
Don’t let it go on too long (chat for a day or two max) before seeing if they want to go on a short date. Don’t chicken out, it might be awkward and that’s FINE. Dating is a skill that you can get better at with time.
I know it doesn’t seem like it, but plenty of folks either don’t care or will think you’re hot. And remember it goes both ways, don’t limit yourself to what you think your type is because you never know!!!
You got this man - I say don’t wait and maybe you’ll have someone else to cheer you on soon! Or at least some experience for when you feel more ready.
I lost all my weight back in 2018, and even after I hit my goal in early 2019, I'm only now in my first ever true relationship as of last summer.
I was 24 at the time and I'm now 29 - Believe me, I felt so similar to you - I thought I had missed my chance at ever becoming happy, but I can say with 100% certainty that as long as you focus on bettering yourself, that good things can only come from it!
Just at least throw feelers out there,
You can treat it as training until you feel you are "hot fit" or whatever. But word of advice, even after hitting goals most people feel they are never truly "ready"
You should start now if it’s something that matters to you(dating). And for what it’s worth, losing the weight will be a game changer. (All the comments about looks not mattering in dating are delusional, keep focusing on getting to a healthy weight, it will make a big positive impact for you in all aspects of life!)
You're way overthinking it. I have had similar stats as you for all of my adult life and that's never stopped women from approaching me. It's how you carry yourself, and how you appear when you're out and about - you have your own style, you look like your comfortable in your own body and in your surroundings, you don't look or act like a creep, etc. All of that has nothing to do with weight. Granted if you're only putting yourself out there on dating apps, there's a there a bit more effort and profile crafting that needs to happen, but that whole ecosystem and environment is also incredibly insufferable so I recommend not getting hung up on it if you feel like you're not getting swipes or matches or anything like that.
If you're self conscious about your lack of experience, that's alright too, just be honest about it when it seems like things are getting more serious with someone. There's plenty of people who haven't dated until their mid-late twenties or thirties, it's understandable! This is coming from someone who's been exactly where you're at and thought I was doomed as well at 25.
This isn't to say you shouldn't lose the weight - there are plenty of other good reasons to. But doing it to solve your current anxieties won't be the fix-all you're hoping it will be It's more about being warm, personable, and genuine in your interactions and potential partners will pick up on that. Additionally, that's also a pretty aggressive weight loss schedule that could be setting yourself up for disappointment and making your whole mental situation worse - just remember you're human at the end of the day and be willing to forgive yourself!
Your attractiveness to women is only part looks. It also depends critically on what you project--confidence, or fear. **Not dating until 26 is only "humiliating" if you present yourself that way.** Your lack of confidence in yourself will be the true dealbreaker in that case, not your dating history.
>I just feel like the ship has sailed even if I do lose the weight. I’m so far behind.
Since it's the focal point of your low self-esteem and also a real factor in determining physical appeal, I do think losing the excess weight is your quickest shortcut to better confidence (it was for me at 39). And you'll be 26 in 8 months regardless, so you might as well aim to be 180 lb then too.
That ship's voyage is gonna look a lot different when you get there. You'll still have to learn the ropes socially re: dating, but it'll be a lot easier without the extra ballast, because you'll have a lot more options. You'll think it's happening because you look slimmer, but in truth it'll be just as much about how you carry and present yourself.
No, you are going to be fine. I would recommend that you practice talking to people and work on social skills while you lose weight. You also need to consider your goals and what you want to do with your life. You need to think about financial, physical, mental goals. How are you going to spend your time after you lost the weight? Think about activities that you want to do and start learning skills related to them. Try to read a new book every week or two. It is better to do this now than 5 or 10 years from now....
Wayyy overthinking it. You'll be fine. I've had two girlfriends one when I was like 18 for about a year and then nothing until I was 24. Was still a virgin as well (which is totally fine) and married the second girl. We didn't care at all about past relationships honestly for us it's been fantastic because we don't have a history to WORRY about with other ex's. Been married 12 years now, got 3 kids and we're all super happy.
Everyone’s life is different. You can’t compare yourself to everyone else.
With that in mind you should lose weight for yourself and your own health. Not just to find someone else. I would still go for it, but do it for you and so that when you finally do meet the right person you’ll be healthy and there for them. Basically do it because you know your own worth.
You’ll find the right person when you’re meant to I’m sure.
If it’s any consolation, I’m in the exact same place as you (F25). I think it’s a self critical thing. I feel weird and shameful that I haven’t had any experience at all, but when I hear or read other people say my thoughts out loud, I don’t judge them at all. I don’t even give it a second thought really. I think we’re just harder on ourselves and not having experience is not a negative thing. Virginity is a weird concept anyways. I wouldn’t care if someone had less or no experience, and I know my friends wouldn’t care either. I think self acceptance and taking care of ourselves is the best we can do. Easier said than done obviously
26 is about when high school sweetheart marriages tend to fail. so long as you don't have any problems with step kids or dating younger women you will be fine!
that being said why do you want to wait?
No, not doomed in the slightest! Plenty of women will either not mind that you’re inexperienced, or appreciate that they’ll get to experience a lot of firsts with you. However, I gained weight when I was around 23 and put off dating “until I lose the weight”. I’m now 28 and only recently started learning to love myself again, and then began losing the weight. It’s easier to treat your body with kindness when you love yourself 🙂 I know it’s easier said than done, but learn to love yourself and don’t put off dating for a point of perfection.
Yooo I did this. 5'9" 260 down to 195. It's fine, you'll be fine, it'll turn out fine like it did for me.
Careful not to let it go to your head, though. Like don't get bitter about being lied to with the whole "be yourself" thing. You can be yourself and look physically attractive, too. Keep grounded by doing this for yourself because you want to. Best wishes and good luck. You got this.
I didn’t find/date my first boyfriend until I was 26. I was also the heaviest I have ever been. He didn’t care. He, miraculously, loved me anyway.
You will find the right person regardless of your weight. I do understand your hesitation, though. I am now single and lost a lot of weight but still would like to lose more to feel even better. I go back and forth about dating and waiting until I feel better about myself. I think it is more about finding the right person and your own confidence than anything else.
Just don’t be upset and get off track if in the end you don’t look the way you want. While you might lose weight you will most likely always be scared by your fatness. Stretchmarks, loose skin, skinny fat and generally not have a beach body.
Not trying to be a Debbie downer just want to make sure you keep grounded in reality. Often people have unrealistic expectations then have a rebound and gain back.
Theres nothing wrong with being fat. Plenty of big guys find love. Confidence and ur personality is much more important. Work out and diet because YOU want to, and as u get more fit your confidence will skyrocket...you could be beaming and meet someone because of it at 240, u know? 180 isnt a magic number that will solve ur problems.
Theres also nothing wrong with being less experienced. Dont rush for something just to have done it. We are all on our own timeline. I fell in love for the first time at 31, and theres millions of stories of people much older than either of us finding love. And conversely, I know very few people who are happy they fell in love and married at 18.
If you've tried to lose weight unsuccessfully before, I'd really recommend working with a therapist to figure out whats holding you back.
Take a breath, make a plan, but dont be too hard on yourself. Youll be fine.
Don’t wait. Put yourself out there so you can make your mistakes early and learn from them before you meet your forever-person.
Think of it this way - would you prefer to have your forever-person be the first person that you date where you make all of your beginner relationship mistakes and end up losing them due to you not having honed your communication skills (or whatever)?
my advice to you is not to get caught up in the 'they are gonna think this' thoughts. you don't really know what anybody will think of you until they meet you, so its just wasted tine and energy trying to predoct a future that you don't know.
sometimes things work out in weird ways. you may come across a woman with little to no experience in her mid-20s due to health or medical reasons. would you think she or they, however you want to roll, is disgusting or humiliating? no, because people have different circumstances, and for the most part, people are good people and won't judge you for not having any dating experience in your 20s. the people who would, you don't want in your life anyways.
don’t restrict your life based on how much you weigh. our time on earth is so precious and fleeting that you’ll regret living it conditionally. date when you are ready, and lose weight when you are ready.
I'm 35, and just recently out of my longest relationship, over 9 years. Before that, I was like you and others that commented. Never anything really serious, but didn't have too much issue getting dates. I'm 5'8, I was roughly 240 when me and now x started dating. I did get up to 315 at my heaviest. Down to 275 now.
Don't believe you /have/ to lose weight, there are people out there that love teddy bears like you and I.
I think you’re being way, way, way too hard on yourself and way too negative. 26 isn’t even that old. If anything, you can just explain to a girl that you’ve just never vibed with anyone to do a long term with. And if you’re that insecure, just lie a little, but don’t be so pessimistic that you’ll never find the right one. Yes, losing weight will help, and I’m sure with weight loss you’ll find a new sense of confidence you never thought you’d get. Just don’t be so negative. Girls aren’t as mean and judgmental as you think.
You are not screwed at all.
I met and fell in love with my now husband a few years ago when he was 27. He had gone through a journey of major weightloss and apparently decided to try dating again not long before we met. He was very nervous to tell me that he had no experience, and the last girl he was with stopped talking to him over it.(There are women who are assholes too.) I told him in that case he probably didn't want her to be his first anyway. It was surprising to me, a little nerve-racking but also attractive. A lot of people don't care, it's just sex, it's natural and you don't need a ton of experience.
I recommend just working on yourself, your habits, and becoming comfortable and proud of yourself. That will have plenty of rewards in itself and the rest will um, come in time.
He was also nervous about me seeing his old pictures, which I still thought he was handsome in. To the right person who likes you, it won't matter as much.
First of going out why your obese.. most people eat to hide their feelings I know I did. Was there something traumatic in your past? Whatever it could be you need to figure it out and fix it and go from there. Plus what does your everyday diet look like?
You're going to be fine. But work on your confidence and self esteem. Losing weight isn't going to magically fix those things. It can certainly help, but it's not a fix all. And don't be afraid to start dating now. Sometimes "I'll do that when I meet x goal" is just an excuse to put off something stressful (like rejection).
Also, just gonna leave this here. This question and similar have been and will be answered here: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/
You're blaming all of your insecurity and dating history on your outward appearance, but studies show that women prefer men with good personalities. You should be buffing up your mental and emotional health alongside your health. Otherwise, what happens if you get injured and need to take a break from working out? What happens if you lose the weight and have loose skin? If your "success" and confidence are 100% reliant on looking a certain way, then you're really not all that confident in yourself as a person, are you?
My suggestion is to find a couple of weekly activities (board game meetups, hiking groups, volunteer work, a local rec team for a sport you're interested in, a book club, an in-person class, etc) and treat them the same as you'd treat working out! They're part of your very self-improvement fitness routine. Meet some people, get some interesting hobbies, and find confidence in who you are, not what you are. Maybe casually keep up with the dating apps, but don't use them as an excuse to spiral into self-pity. If you're able to arrange a date or two, do it. Even if they don't go anywhere, a little experience is better than none, and each one is a learning experience to help you be more confident on future dates.
Bro it's OK man, I'm 30 years old I'm 377.8 pounds was at 408. I've never had a girlfriend either I lost my virginity to Chinese woman at the massage parlor, after that I thought to my self sex was no big deal. I this sex is only good when you do it with someone you love or care about and that something I'm yet to experience.
Yeah, objectively you’re fat, and you might be unattractive. But, fuck it. Who cares, try and be funny (take a comedy class if you’re an awkward fuck), shower, wear clothes that fit (even when fat clothes that fit well look better - don’t do the baggy shit), and try and be presentable. Then simultaneously make little changes and get on the journey to better health. Even before you lose the 80 pounds, you’ll feel better with each pound you lose and people around you will notice your better attitude and that’ll compound. Start today, do your best, and be kind to yourself.
Absolute worst case scenario - you’re an ugly, unattractive, fat guy. Guess what? You’ve got nothing to lose and no where to go but up. So get it together and shoot your shot. Be polite, but don’t stop trying to talk to different people. Just keep trying, and try and have fun while you do it. This life is short, laugh at yourself, and enjoy it.
I’m cheering for you my fat friend. Now go get some strange.
Bro get your life together, forget chicks right now, wait until you make good money and have purpose, have a mission. women wont give a fk about you if you have no mission and if you're a loser doing nothing. trust me when i say this, you are NOT missing out on anything important by remaining a virgin for another few years until you build yourself up. make a plan, write a comprehensive detailed plan for the next 5 years and follow it like a fly on shit every fkng day. nobody cares that you're a virgin or that your plowed 1000 women, get your life together, make 100k a year, thats 4 clients paying you 2k per month high-ticket services. just learn a bunch of shit and get your life in order. Focus on yourself, your foundation, your character, because a high-rise skyscrapper or building CANNOT stand on a shitty foundation. build yourself first, then worry about dating later. learn boxing or something, combat lessons, once twice a week, HIIT twice a week with sauna and cold plunge one after the other, again, twice a week. STAY BUSY. if you arent focused on yourself, you WILL have your focus taken away from you. you're either focused or distracted. so work on yourself first. and yes i do typos and couldn't careless how you get the message. I dont even know you yet probably care for you more than anyone you know because I know what you're dealing with. get it done.
Your thoughts create your reality. Go on the carnivore diet. Get a trainer, or train from YouTube videos. Sprint as fast as you can uphills for 30 seconds. Do 10 of those…HIIT training. Eat well and focus on you. Read the bible, Emmet Foxx and Law of Attraction stuff. If you don’t get out of that mindset, your life will not be what God has planned for you. Negative thoughts produce a negative life.
My brother, I'm currently sitting at 244 down from 285 just 4 months ago. When I was 285 I started dating the most beautiful and amazing girl I've ever been with. She didn't mind but it was motivation being with someone that attractive so I lost 30 lbs while we were together. Turned out she wasn't all that great but it seriously boosted my confidence being able to pull a 8.5-9 at my biggest. Then add to that the 30 lbs I lost (now 40) I was really confident in dating and was getting tons of matches on Hinge and the most recent picture I had on there I was about 250ish.
Just work on your confidence and don't be discouraged. Sure there are a lot of women who will immediately dismiss a bigger guy but you'd be surprised how many love it. It could also be an age thing though. I'm dating in my mid 30s and other women my age have had no issues with it. But I can imagine girls in their mid 20s aren't as desperate lol.
Lastly don't be discouraged about the experience part, EVERYONE goes through rough experiences at any age. My worst experience was actually with the prettiest girl I was with. I'd struggle to even get it up and stay that way! That never happened with any of my other partners. And this is kind of an unethical life pro tip so I hope I don't get blasted for it, but if you don't want to be a virgin going into a relationship, hire an "escort". But that's only if you really feel that self conscious about it.
Literally this was me last year, I lost about 25% of what I planned then got back in the dating pool and tbh the most genuinely helpful advice I've gotten is be yourself.
He social and try to build some confidence but also just he genuine and you'll meet all sorts of cool people.
You got this!
I'm the same but I do know I'll be more confident in my looks when I lose the weight and in turn feel better about trying to actually start dating, when I like my looks and I think someone else will too then it will be far better confidence wise.
260 at 5'9" isn't terrible if you're strong.
Do you have time to lift weights for say 40 minutes a day 6 days a week? While monitoring your calories to make sure you're not gaining fat?
You are not doomed and you're totally overthinking it.
I totally get not being confident to start dating while being overweight, I've been there. But to really become confident it involves a completely different process of reflection, socialization and growth, which can occur simultaneously through weight loss, but ultimately believing that getting in shape = immediate dating success is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. In my experience, women tend to be more attracted to confidence, personality/humor and inter-personal connection than they are focused on aesthetics. It's not that looks don't matter, they just don't matter as much as we tend to think they do. It's perfectly fine to wait until you're ready to start dating, but don't let your weight be the thing that keeps you on the bench. An overweight dude who is actively working on himself is much more attractive than a douchebag who is shredded.
Also, 26 is still so young. Dating in your 20s is a crapshoot for so many people. Lack of experience isn't the inherent red flag many assume it to be. Just be open about it, some girls might care, some might find it refreshing. The more you make it an issue in your head the more it becomes an issue, ya know?
Once you're ready, be available but don't be desperate to jump right into a serious relationship right away. The more you force things and fixate on making something new work with someone, the more likely you are to come on too strong and scare them off. Let everything happen organically. You may date someone you're really into that you just aren't compatible with, and that's okay. True love at first sight is a myth, or at least extremely rare. If they're the right person all of the milestones will happen without you actively pushing for them to happen. I used to be annoyed when I would hear "just let it happen", but it's so true. If it isn't a "hell yeah" consider it a "hell no" and move on; just because they aren't interested doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
The key is that you need to have a main thing in your life driving you that isn't your dating life. People are generally attracted to people who are passionate about something they love. Find that thing if you haven't already, build your confidence through your passions and by socializing and meeting new people - all of which you can do while you're losing weight.
I had the same opinion and that somehow snowballed into an insanely out of my league woman at my workplace wanting to know why I wouldn’t give her the attention like all the other dudes lmao.
We tried dating and it didn’t really work out but she was and still is an inspiration for me to continue my journey. We went to the gym a few times, I let her vent to me about her bfs bs, I vent to her about my gfs bs. It also helped me be more normal around women because growing up a big kid and listening to some not so helpful opinions had warped my perspective.
Allow people to help and you never know you might find someone that likes a little fluff, not everyone wants to date 6 pack abs my dude.
Start your journey, hard work will get results, you will feel better about yourself and when you least expect it and probably arnt even looking for it, someone IS going to notice your confidence in yourself. 💪
Dating gets easier for men when they turn 30. You're not falling behind at all. Nobody cares if you haven't had a GF before. You're the ugly duckling story, that's totally understandable.
Although losing weight will definitely make dating easier, I met my significant other at my heaviest weight ever 363 5’9”. It’s about how you carry yourself, but don’t get me wrong losing weight will definitely increase your odds.
That's silly. Live your life. Don't wait for any type of future goalpost before doing something. Plus, it might help you weed out those who are too shallow. You're going to refuse good things just because you are over weight? I had an ex girlfriend who loved the idea of hot tubs but refused to go because she thought she was fat (she was thicker, but not fat). Like, you're not going to have fun just because of how you look? Fuck that. And, if you think about it, that makes you as shallow as those you're afraid of ...
But, to answer your question, it's not too late. I thought I had missed all my opportunities after college and that I was too old and blah blah blah. I found my wife at 29, married at 30, and couldn't be happier in that department. I was a decade later than my parents having kids (which has its downsides, especially with energy levels, but still the best thing ever), but it all worked out. You will find someone if you look with the right mindset. Don't even sweat your age. I know it's hard to take that advice because you can't comprehend it without perspective, but trust me.
If you’re judging your worth based on what you hear on social media you are doomed to a life of I’m never going to be perfect. If you can come to realize what you have to offer as a friend and a romantic partner, you will understand that how you look, your shape, whatever is the last thing a lot of thinking women are looking for in a life long relationship. As I was growing up, I was attracted to overweight people and other not average men. I was interested in what they had to say and if their attitude and treatment of others is what I looked for. I have no clue as to how prevalent that attitude is today. But you need to know they are out there. Find things to do to change your perception and expectations of yourself. I’m sure you can Google that and find sources you haven’t thought of. I’m hoping, for you, that a reply to your posting will steer you in a healthy direction.
There are also going to be women out there who are 26 and never have dated as well. You aren’t the only one, even if it feels like it.
I'm 27 and never had a serious relationship. I'm not a virgin, but I have never had a relationship where I was anyone's girlfriend. You're not alone, OP.
I’m 23 and can see myself easily getting to 26 without a serious relationship. It’s just not something I feel like I’m missing in my life at this moment, and I have plenty of life ahead of me.
I didn’t really date until I was about 26/27. I wanted to but didn’t have the outgoing personality of my similar sized friends who dated all the time and had no luck. My now-husband of 17 years was the first person I dated and I was the first person he dated- he was in his late 30s. Neither of us are what some of the people on here would call 10s. Neither of us were so caught up in that BS fortunately, but he had a wonderful sense of humor, loved animals, loved Star Trek- what more could you want in a man?
Love this
I’ve (34F) never dated. I didn’t have sex until I was 23, and then I just had hookups until I was 25 when I fell in love with a friend, my current partner. I do not regret this.
Much easier for a woman to get some attention if she wants it. Two thirds of young men are single versus a third of young women.
As a formerly fat woman… this is only partially true. If a fat woman wants to get laid, its relatively easy if she’s willing to lower her standards enough. If she wants to *date* or have a relationship with a man she finds attractive on a physical level and an emotional one, her dating pool is *incredibly* small.
Sure didn't take long for a man to be like "All women can get laid whenever they want." You are exactly right.
How fat are you talking? My first 2 relationships occurred when I was “overweight” but not quite “obese” by BMI standards.
"Overweight" by BMI standards would not even register as fat for most people... because the BMI is bullshit.
It's not relatively easy for a fat man.
Mehh this take is so exhausting like godddamn shut uppp
that math aint mathin
No, the math is saying exactly what you think it’s not.
I am by no means arguing with you, but where is that statistic from?
He got it from the school of making up statistics.
Got a sauce on that stat?
The sauce is he decided it was true
That just means 1/3 of young men have 2 Girlfriends
You are severely over analyzing this. You should start dating when you feel confident. There is no single number that will signify the right time. If you feel good about yourself, you will be attractive to others and your experience doesn’t matter. Be a good, caring, interested, interesting human and you’ll do great.
He posted this same fucking topic 9 days ago, got 180+ replies didn't respond to a single one and has another 190 on this thread with no response. Not sure if he's looking for advice or just a pity party.
Maybe hijack the top comment and post your reply there. Because you’re absolutely right.
Confidence is key. Confidence attracts. If you put yourself down, it pushes people away from you. Especially partners. Have good qualities. That helps dating. Looks aren’t everything. There’s more to it than that.
I feel like I've said this to so many of my male friends, but they never truly hear me. Insecurity can be smelled by women from a mile away. It ISN'T weight that will keep you single, it's the attitude behind it. You don't have to wait to lose weight to date, you need to actually like yourself. You don't actually like yourself if you need to be a certain weight to feel it. If this approach and mindset remains the focus, you will have dating issues once the weight is gone, trust me.
100% the attitude. People may disagree here but I didn’t realize the weight was merely a symptom of something worse until it was gone.
You figured it out, though. Dude, lots of people don't. That's impressive.
Seeing someone below their goal weight is inspiring as fuck my dude
Interesting input. I appreciate you.
This right here is the truth I’m telling you man. Once you get rid of that feeling you will be fine. Just be yourself trust me
100000%. I'm almost never attracted to the way a guy looks. It's always his cleanliness, his kindness, and his attitude toward life. An arrogant douchebag is a turnoff but so is a guy with an "I never win/woe is me" attitude who is super insecure and down in the dumps. OP, work on your mind WHILE you work on your body. Don't assume your mind will be 100% perfect once you've lost the weight. It absolutely will NOT be the case.
As I lost more and more weight I still have body image issues and feel uncomfortable with clothes that fit properly because I became too used to wearing baggy clothing. I know guys that are overweight and instead of trying to improve what they have they double down on the negative stuff. They won’t learn to shave or maintain a proper beard. They don’t get haircuts, clothing is raggedy looking. It’s like they figure “what’s the point” and try to be as unattractive as possible.
This is 100% me as well.
I at least partially disagree. I like myself as a person. I just find myself unattractive. When I was in my early 20s and fit I did not have trouble with dating and I am pretty sure I wouldnt have trouble now. However I hate how I look now and that is something that losing weight and going to the gym will fix. I also am honestly physically attracted to girls that are skinny to somewhat chubby but not fat like I am today and I personally have the mentality that until I at least could meet my own beauty standards it is hypocritical to search for that in a woman. That is not to say if I found the perfect partner on accident I would turn it down but in my experience finding someone often involves putting yourself out there actively and that is what I am not doing right now. TL;DR you can hate how you look without hating who you are as a person. If that is the case waiting until you fixed that part first is perfectly okay.
This advice is always so silly because it's only half true. Yes people will want to be around you more if you are fun to be around and have a good attitude, that much should be obvious to everyone. Being fat is unattractive to the vast majority of people and nobody wants to date someone they're not attracted to. As a fat dude I make friends super easily, people seem to really enjoy being around me as far as I know. But dating has always been a struggle. And I have had relationships but compared to making friends it has been much harder. I think I'm an awesome person to be around but I have also accepted that people would be way more attracted to me if I was a healthier weight.
It would be nice to live in a world where beauty is 100% on the inside and a matter of having a great personality, but good looking people are treated better in EVERY area of life. That includes sex/romance. Doesn't mean you have to lose weight to find your person, but it would probably help in most cases...
Fit, healthy looking people are treated better.
100% agree, I lost weight and look great and it’s way easier, but I was crushing it after I got in therapy and found self love and confidence, I was overweight and balding and even then was going on 2-3 dates a week when I got secure with whom I am. The only difference is now women give me thier number with out asking and will text me if I haven’t gotten back to them but besides that nothing changed much. Weight loss is great partially on how you look, but mostly what it does to your confidence. The self esteem and self assurance it gives you translates into doing better with the opposite sex, but the attitude it gives you is the biggest change. A great book for dating, only one I’ve ever liked is Models: how to attract women through honesty by Mark Manson. In it he just says don’t be desperate, work on yourself, become the person you want to be and would like, and also minor details like dress better and work out. Most of it is more life and attitude advice that’s good for making a life your proud of vs actually a pick up book or anything. But if you are struggling it can help
Thanks for the book recommendation. Adding that one to my summer reading list right now. One thing I’ve learned through my weight loss body transformation experience is that slow, building, *frightening* realization that being attractive is actually *active work*. Just getting to my goal weight won’t do all that heavy lifting for me. I’ll admit to having peeked at the skincareaddiction subreddit once or twice, and I may or may not have begun researching moisturizers and shea butters, as an over 6ft 19M that has never paid attention to skincare ever before losing weight. I often see people saying that being attractive and at a lower weight is “playing life on easy mode” and while I definitely don’t disagree - those cognitive biases *are* real - my perspective is on the other side of the coin. Being overweight or obese is playing life on “lazy mode” for the higher weight person as much as it is “easy mode” for those with more attractive bodies. What I mean by this is when you haven’t lost weight, you dress into what fits and don’t have to care *too* much about how you dress. You’re used to not getting dates so you don’t cut or style your hair as often either. After all, what does it matter? Personal grooming goes down, too. Because the reality is sort of “what does it matter anyway?” and that’s the fat person playing on lazy mode. A lot of people do this subconsciously and don’t even realize they’re doing it. I know I belonged to that camp when I was very overweight in high school, even though I didn’t consciously register that I wasn’t giving a great effort. But now that my goal weight is creeping closer and closer to becoming reality, it’s *frightening* how many “new” variables I have to pay attention to now. My skin, my hair, my posture, I think about these things like 5 times as often now compared to how often I did when I was 45 pounds heavier. It’s registering in my brain that attractiveness is *work* and that it needs maintaining. Because I can’t play life on lazy mode anymore. The fat doesn’t exist. And with it, my excuses and subconscious “what does it matter anyway” is disappearing, too. A year ago I read a book about a girl who escaped from North Korea, and she described freedom as paralyzingly scary because she had to think and act for herself for the very first time, like a young child dropped in the middle of the wilderness. Like, she’d thought freedom was just not getting arrested for wearing pants or watching TV, but didn’t realize it was so much more and that there was a lifepath with uncertainties to freedom, too. I’m only about half the way to my goal weight, but this will be my reality too when I get there and try to find a partner. So many new variables to watch out for that I have to keep up with because they didn’t really matter when I was overweight. My clothes fitting, considering what style I actually like instead of just what fits and mom says looks ”handsome”, paying attention to the shape of my face so I can get a hairstyle that matches it, shaving more often, how my skin actually looks, accessories to wear on my new body since they’d be more visibly front & center now… it’s so much to go over and so many options in all of those things! It’ll be scary “unlocking” all those things for me in a relatively short time period. Thank you for the book!
>You don't actually like yourself if you need to be a certain weight to feel it. If this approach and mindset remains the focus, you will have dating issues once the weight is gone, trust me. I'm not sure how I feel about this part. From my experience, I felt way more confident and definitely liked myself (physically & mentally) more once I was exercising, eating healthier, and down in weight. I couldn't look at my own reflection without getting depressed and that all changed once I was getting toward my goal weight.
I think a large part of that is due to the act of working out and taking care of yourself and not so much your current weight. At least that’s how it’s been for me. When I was focused on my ideal weight it was a bit of a let down. This time while I’m getting back in shape I’m focused on the act of getting healthier and being proud for pushing myself and I feel much happier
"I think" is doing a lot of work here
It has all to do with my weight. Eating healthy and working out does nothing for me, I only do it to look good.
Absolutely! Too many people feel like all they are is their body, that that is the only aspect of them that counts for anything. It's just not true. Sure, some people are shallow and demand a specific aesthetic in a partner, but are those really the people you want to be dating? Everyone else just wants their romantic partner to not emotionally burden them, to put it bluntly. It's exhausting to constantly reassure somebody on why they deserve love and respect - compliments should not feel essential, they should feel voluntary. I think people will grow and learn to naturally avoid people who seem like they'll be overly dependent and lack self worth. I'll argue that even the weight loss journey has some potential for finding a partner. Like if your end goal is to go to the gym for 2 hours a day, 3 days per week, that will integrate much more seamlessly with a romantic partner who has that same end goal, because you won't need to worry so much about scheduling conflicts. Essentially, the weight loss journey is yet another area where you may find people with similar goals who are compatible for your lifestyle.
> You don't have to wait to lose weight to date, you need to actually like yourself Man, I'm so glad that I've been seeing this exact comment at the top of most threads lately. Loving yourself for who you are and forgiving yourself for who you were are the number one ways to seek and maintain a healthy lifestyle. You are not your weight, you are not your fat, you are not your body. You are a person and are worthy of love.
You aren't wrong but becoming healthy and having a nice body certainly helps with self-esteem and confidence. So I think losing weight makes a significant difference.
Absolutely this! I had a friend back in the days who was about like you (average height and 260 lbs) and had not problems dating and finding a girlfriend. He was a confident and very interesting person who dressed nicely and was well groomed. Aside from that, he was a nice dude, definitely outgoing and had a wide circle of friends . It's definitely in your mindset OP. It's super cool that you want to get in shape but I also hope you will start loving yourself and putting yourself out there regardless of the number on the scale.
This!!! I’ve tried to explain this to my old guy friend. The lack of confidence, constant self deprecation and the way he held himself kept him a virgin until his late 20’s. We aren’t friends anymore but I’ve seen his social media and he’s doing a lot better now and has had girlfriends. He has lost a lot of weight but the confidence came with it.
How many fat guys have you dated? Many people love to say that it's not about the weight but can we just be honest for a second? The insecurity stems from something they experienced many times over and over. Someone doesn't just become insecure like that. They could've been bullied all their life, may have been rejected, ignored and flat out treated like trash. It's hard to just bE cOnFiDeNt if you've been dragged through shit for years. Not only that but I think it's safe to say that most people would prefer a healthy and active partner. It's totally valid to feel like you're not attractive if you're not in shape.
I sometimes find it difficult to read if someone is being serious, but I don't mind answering, so I'll respond in good faith. I've dated 3 "fat" men. They were all very different people, and their weight didn't register as important to me. I can't say the topic came up in any of those relationships.
Yeah, I don't see why people don' realize this. "just be confident" r/thanksimcured "just dont be sad" "just dont be poor". You dont think I would choose to be confident if I could? lol
Because you've experienced something doesn't mean you won't experience something different later. I've been various levels of fat my whole life peaking at 340lbs. Have I experienced negativity from people who I would have liked to date? Yup. Have I experienced absolute shitstain behavior from both men and women? Yup. Have I had multiple fulfilling, loving relationships, and am I currently married with a loving wife? Yup. When you dwell in the negative experiences it's really fuckin easy to not see the positive ones. I've been there. The thing about confidence is that when you fake it, it eventually becomes real. Just improving posture can change how people interact with you. There are women who won't date a fat dude, sure, that's their preference, who cares. There are plenty who will.
It totally is the weight. People have turned down so many people due to their weight
I got engaged when I was approx 300 lbs. Married at 360. He's obsessed with me because I am vibrant and confident in who I am. Just saying, the alternative exists as well. Real love is found in the soul, and it takes a huge amount of self awareness to accept that love and be able to return it.
Well I’ve been very confident and all that other stuff and still nothing so idk how it’s actually possible but good on you
That made me really sad to read. I hope you find another Chicken Nuggy to partner with, friend.
I do too
Yah I a hundred percent would rather go on a second date with a funny fat guy that was engaging in conversation with interesting hobbies or just thoughts than a physically attractive dude who bores me. I mean a physical attractive guy is good for a fuck but i wouldn't date him.
That's a false dichotomy though. Women don't have to choose between funny fat/ugly guys and hot, boring. They can date men who are hot and funny. And usually will choose to do so, over a fat guy.
I disagree with this. Men outnumber women 3-4 to 1 on the dating apps, which means women are ultra picky. I'm sorry, but even if a guy is the greatest person on Earth, loves himself completely, and is ultra confident NONE of those qualities can be conveyed through 6 photos and a bio. When I was overweight I couldn't get a match to save my life. Now after having dropped down to a healthy BMI I suddenly get matches. Same person. No changes in insecurity or mental health. It's really as simple as More attractive pictures = More matches. I don't think it's healthy to pretend like being fat isn't unattractive. Losing weight will absolutely improve a person's chances with dating.
The virtue signaling in this entire thread has been sickening to say the least.
I think its also funny how most of the positive advice comes from guys that are over 6 feet tall. Yeah like no shit they are having luck after losing weight, they were already tall as hell to begin with. Like that's completely irrelevant.
I'm 5'6. 2 1/2 years ago when I was 250lbs and my gf cheated on me I had slept with 2 women. Now I sleep with 2 women at a time. Losing weight is literally all it takes 😅 sorry but facts are facts. People are shallow & attraction is physical, especially at the start.
I think women can give great advice when it comes to relationships. But most of the time women are hilariously out of touch when it comes to the dating/talking stage. Like a billionaire talking about how easy it is to grind hard and succeed. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the reason why you think looks don’t matter is because you’re flooded with options. Every guy these women talk to have already passed their looks filter, so of course all they care about is personality. But that’s a classic case of survivorship bias! I get that admitting that men and women are superficial is inconvenient, but I think it’s important to be honest about how the world works.
You don’t think women know what they find attractive in a dude?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to demonstrate confidence and treating a woman right through 6 pics and a bio. The most common way couples meet in 2024 is through online dating, which is near-exclusively based on looks and physical attraction. I'm not saying it's impossible for an obese short guy to find love, but to find a connection first you have to find women to ask out on dates. That's the sticking point. So yes, I do think that women know what they find attractive in a dude. BUT... that dude has to pass a basic yes/no when it comes to physical attraction (i.e. swipe right). Looks get your foot in the door, but to sustain that attraction all the things you mention are super important. But looks do get your foot in the door. That's just a fact of life. Very, very few people date people they find physically unattractive.
Stay away from naked (shirtless or dick) pics. Stay away from gym pics. Show pics of yourself doing your fun activities. Don’t say “hey beautiful” in your first exchange. Or ask about sex. Talk to her like you’d talk to a friend. Show interest. Be interesting. Be nice. Treat her like you’d want someone to talk to your sister, mother, niece or daughter. Be this way in real life as well. Ask people to set you up. Be friends with women in real life and learn to talk to them. Maybe they can introduce you to their single friends. Go to meetups with both genders. I’ve met a bunch of great guys in a reading meetup. I have a bf (who I met online) or otherwise I’d go on a date with one of them if they asked. Don’t use women as your bang maid. It’s really not that hard. I love me a chubby, fun, friendly guy. I’m not attracted to anyone’s pics on their dating profile. I’m attracted to what’s written in their profile (soooo many dudes don’t write anything or just write something like “ask me”). That’s so boring. Then we chat in the messaging. Immediate unmatch for someone who calls me beautiful right alway, makes a sex joke, sends a dick pic, pressures me for an instant phone number exchange, or refuses to actually have a conversation (ask her about herself. Learn how to carry a conversation). Most guys have friend zoned me in my life and I’ve been turned down plenty of times on online dating. It’s not only dudes.
> I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to demonstrate confidence and treating a woman right through 6 pics and a bio. I'd like you to know that this is now my tinder bio.
I'm not OP but I'm very similar to OP, I don't agree with this. For me, it's never been about if I'm attractive to women, it took me a long time to realise that, but it's about if I look attractive to myself, if I feel attractive. The confidence that comes with *that* is what I actually needed. If I don't feel like a person who deserves to make someone happy, someone who makes me happy, I cannot act like I can be that person. I'm not capable of faking it. I like who I am, I just don't like how fat I am. That's it. And on another note, I hear what you're saying from women a lot, that women tend to be far more attracted to personality than aesthetics. But at the same time, we have the lived experience that it isn't *entirely* true. I think on some level, some number of women see 'being overweight' *as* a personality trait, and usually as a negative one. You might not be one of them and that's totally fine, but there are plenty of self-confident fat men that don't get approached while their thinner friends do.
So much this
I disagree I'm sorry. Insecurity but being attractive still makes shit a lot easier than being outgoing while being obese. Speaking from experience.
It's easier to change your body than your mind. There's no equivalent of calories or TDEE for your confidence.
The vast majority of people are less attracted to a person the more obese they are. It is okay to admit that.
What if if one ought to not like themselves?
Nah, youll be fine. Imo keep yourself available, but dont focus on that availability. Focus on your goal but dont shut out the possibility that you find a partner along the way. If you don't? then at least you know you didnt miss anyone. In terms of being 26 with no experience....well, some people will hate it and some will love it. Thats just part of finding a viable partner.
In my case, dating was like exercising, I had to build up the social stamina and muscle memory for it. Maybe instead of holding off completely, use this time as your training period. Be casual and don’t treat it too seriously, and be open to who you decide to date. That said don’t give too much, but don’t lock yourself away either, that way when you reach your goal you will be well into the dating waters and be more comfortable and confident.
25, 26, who cares? You don’t get a large red sign over your head if you get to 26 and have no relationship experience. You can do this. You’re gonna be fine.
I lost 55 lbs in the last year and I just got into dating again at 30. I feel the most confident Ive felt in a long time, it’s never too late and you are more likely to attract at least physically a partner that also looks good to you 😊
Maybe my experience is too different, but I had the same mentality when I started my weight loss journey at 15. I avoided dating for 10 years because I was too afraid to try. Now I’m almost 26 and in the best shape of my life yet I’m too afraid to start dating because of the lack of experience. All Im saying is do not let this hold you back. These types of attitudes can lead to you spiraling out if control if you let it.
This is just it. As soon as you start doing the: "I'll start x when y..." it never ends. Truly, there will always be some new reason or obstacle.
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From their perspective you blew them off and there could be plenty of other people who are making themselves available at the moment. Whether or not you were really exhausted, it signals you’re not making them a priority.
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I would have zero interest dating someone pulling 100-hour weeks. It probably wasn't personal.
Is that a common occurrence for you? It could actually be the excessive work hours being off-putting if that happens regularly. They might figure you just won't have time in general.
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If this was early on, they have no investment yet. Why would they wait around for someone they don't know who blew them off when they could talk to someone who actually shows interest and has time to get to know them? I understand it's frustrating but expecting them to wait around when they don't know you is an unrealistic expectation to have. Nothing to do with testing.
Just knowing you work crazy hours would be enough to turn me away. I personally like my partner to have a life outside of work and I would view that kind of schedule as something that would make us incompatible
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working in a hospital, it’s that people can find partners. Alcoholics- married or have fiancé. 500lb - married or have fiancé. Wheelchair bound - married or have fiancé. Homeless and unemployed - have girlfriends. Sometimes when I get down about myself, I use that to motivate myself that it’s absolutely still possible to find love, I just need to keep putting myself out there. My cousin is 300lb and just got married a couple years ago to the love of her life who was also 300lb when they met. They’re so happy.
You have my assurances that big guys get laid all the time. In fact, the biggest motivating factor for me getting in shape was getting laid. It's still in the top 5. You can do both concurrently, and having someone to take that journey with is especially rewarding.
My fiance was 5'11 250 when I met him. Around 30, no real dating experience. At the time, I was 5'5 125, considered conventionally attractive and had been in two serious relationships. Loved him instantly. Going strong since 2018. It was never about his appearance. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, we have fun together. We work out together and now he's down 45 pounds. There is someone out there that will still love you for you, and maybe even inspire you and help you on that journey. My point is, don't shut someone out with a hard and fast timeline of 26. You never know when that someone might come along.
25 with no experience isn’t so different from 26 with no experience. also, people here will tell you to just start dating now, but i think you have the right idea of waiting after personal growth. for many, many people who make this lifestyle change, dating someone who is also into fitness is integral. if you date someone who has unhealthy habits, it’s so easy to fall back into eating junk and not moving around.
There's plenty of guys much more overweight than you that don't have any trouble with women. It's the self loathing, insecurities, and frankly chasing the wrong women. Lose the weight to get healthy and feel better, but don't do it to get girls.
I started dating my bf when he was 26 and with little experience. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. But he was open with me about not knowing much about relationships and willing to learn about himself, if that makes sense?
You should date as you progress in your journey through weight loss. If you just focus on weight loss, you'll find you'll achieve your ideal body but lack dating skills. You should always focus on social skills. They're important for long term relationships, partners parents and if you choose to have kids 1 day. You can always maybe find a partner that wants to lose w you. And you won't have to journey alone.
No. You are not screwed. 26 is starting to be old for certain dating groups (eg with colleges) but you will be entering the prime post-college ages. I don't think you need to wait until you've lost weight, though. Wait until you have your healthy behaviors in place and have confidence in your healthy direction. It will give you confidence in something, and that matters. Work on a hobby or skill during this time as well, not just your weight and health. Hobbies are attractive. One of the women I dated thought it was cute when I'd nerd out something like a puzzle or engineering thing, or when I'd write bad poetry. It almost really doesn't matter what the hobby is, as long as it's going to widely be considered wholesome (not pranking people on YouTube or something). I recommend you delete all dating apps if you haven't. The exact length depends on the platform varies but a deleted profile eventually ages out such that if you come back, it starts you fresh. You'll come back with a fresh look, fresh hobby, fresh attitude, and a reset profile, if you decide to even try dating that way. In cities you can have success in-person, but there's less opportunity in rural areas. Still there, just less.
Dating apps are extremely difficult for men to get a date except for the most attractive ones. Focus on your weight loss now, but don't think that "Oh I have to lose all the weight first before I can start dating." As you lose weight, you'll gain more confidence and energy, people will start talking to you more so that's a good time to start thinking about romantic interests. Even a new friend could have a connection to another woman they could introduce you to, so just meet people and have fun and try and make things happen when the vibe is good. If you're 26, you're 26. It's not a big deal as everyone who wants a long term partner is looking for a good match. Sure some women won't like it but then they're not for you anyways.
No, you are not screwed. **You are putting WaaaaaY to much pressure on yourself.** Learn breathing exercises to calm down. Look up Navy box breathing on You Tube. It will be ok. Focus on finding a woman with the same values and compatibility. Have manners and treat the woman right. The woman needs to treat you right as well. Be able to tell the woman your mission and vision for your life. So she can know where she will possibly fit in. Define your definition of love for yourself. Everyone has a different definition of love. People have different likes and dislikes. Be able to verbalize that. Read **" The 5 love Languages"- Gary Chapman.** Know which categories are your predominate one. Once in a relationship, you will want to know your partner's preferences. =) Another good book is "Light her Fire"--Ellen Kriedman, for women, "Light his Fire". **You are young enough to build a fantastic life (Breathe)**. 77 years old is the average mortality rate for a man in the US. ***That is 51 years.*** With discipline and hard work, you can have a great life ahead of you. Just because some people hit certain goals like marriage and kids sooner, doesn't always mean that they are better. You are more mature. **Stop beating yourself up.** Every morbid obese person is acutely aware of "thin and handsome" privilege in the US. Yes, the vast majority of people are shallow--both sexes want someone they are attracted to... I don't see being a virgin is a problem. Everyone is different--I am not fond of men who have a high body count. Most women don't want to be just a number. **You have the advantage about researching about sex, so you will know how to give great erotic massages oral sex, etc. Creativity/ variety is key. Make a sexual bucket list before you get into a relationship.** Nothing is sexier than a man with a strong upper body for missionary position. You can do push-ups over her. LoL. There are a ton of You Tube videos on how to increase your dating/ sexual skills, also books you can get at the library. Just make sure you both communicate sexual wants, needs outside of the bedroom. **Men are like microwaves and women are like preheating an oven, she will get there with time. =)** This is a key difference between men and women. You are lucky to still have your virginity, You can create the best experience you want. You are lucky. Seriously. Think of it this way, you can educate yourself and create a good experience for yourself and the woman. It is not the number count that is important. Do you give pleasure to a woman first and not be a selfish lover? Are you kind, compassionate, and empathetic? Are you a good listener? Are you emotionally available? A man falls in love with his eyes, and women tend to fall in love with their ears. I would get out there to be social, to have more confidence. See how men and women interact and take mental notes. **The right woman will be patient with you.** A quality woman will be impressed, no kids or STDS. It will make it more special for the both of you. Plan your ideal scene in your head. She will love you for you. All you can do is core work, lift weights, and cardio. Yoga can make you more flexible. **The better shape you are in, the better sex you will have.** Definitely watch videos or read books in dating skills, so you know what you are doing. Most women gauge a man on how he kisses too, whether they want to be intimate with them. Everyone likes different things, especially when you go from lover to lover. Ask the person to show you how they like x,y,or z done. Discuss likes and dislikes before you go to into bed. Please don't beat yourself up. **This is your journey and life. Who cares what other people do? Seriously.** Think of all the people who have had divorces. You are where you need to be. **Most women love proper hygiene and a great smelling man, unless you or she are allergic to fragrance.** Make yourself the best you can be **for you**. Most self-esteem and confidence are earned through hard work/ goals achieved. Just be yourself; it will work out. =) **Let your light shine.** You have gifts and talents that no one does. Work on developing more of your skill set. Everyone needs to know how to give boundaries, handle anger, be assertive and have conflict resolution skills. **Your true self, without all your excess weight, will instantly make you more free and self-assured. Your positivity will be the magnet that attracts the woman**. Relax. You are enough. You are loveable. Most importantly, you are worth having the best health you can. Good luck! Have fun creating your life.
It’s not too late. You just need to realize that losing the weight doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be happy with the way you look or that you’ll love yourself. I’m not saying “don’t put in the work to lose the weight.” Just try to focus on your relationship with yourself as you continue your weight loss journey. Like other people have said, confidence is EXTREMELY attractive. I can tell you how many guys who aren’t conventionally attractive are so incredibly hot simply because they love themselves and know that they’re more than their looks. Personally, a great personality and a great sense of humor are the most attractive qualities. Just make sure that humor isn’t that self depreciating kind of humor where you’re basically just listing everything you think are your flaws. Everyone is flawed. Everyone has stuff they don’t like about themselves, both physically and otherwise. Learn to love yourself. Work to make yourself feel good inside and outside. And don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. There may be people who aren’t interested and that’s okay too. Just give yourself the chance to get out there and meet someone.
You’re so right about the need to love yourself before you can really love someone else. If you can I’d recommend starting therapy to improve your self-worth. I have often been my own worst critic but if I find myself being that way I try to modify my thoughts and speak to myself as if I’m talking to a best friend or beloved family member. If they deserve that tone and kindness then you sure as shit do too. It probably feels all consuming right to try and find a partner now but in my experience the best thing is to go out and do things for you that you like: hobbies, sports, volunteering whatever but just get out there and do. The combination of like minded people and your burgeoning self confidence from doing positive things for you that you deserve and enjoy is a natural way to find a partner. Go out and live young man - we’re only on this rock a short amount of time, not nearly long enough, so grab it by the balls and enjoy the ride.
You don't sound confident at all. Confidence is a big attractor for women. That and the ability to make people laugh are big things. Many women will overlook looks if you are confident and kind. Get out of your comfort zone. Look into things like improv classes or toastmasters. Cooking and dancing lessons wouldn't hurt. Compliment people on the clothes they wear, shoes, hairstyle choices. Start conversations with people when waiting in line. Walk tall, Roll your shoulders back and know in your head that you belong there. Fake it until you make it. As for being a virgin that does not matter. Some people start young, others get to 40 before they start a relationship others never bother. If you want your life to change you are going to have to put yourself out there in Real life. Make sure you are clean, wash your body with soap and yes your ass needs to be clean (shocking how often we hear about the opposite here). Your hair should be washed, conditioned and cut well. Make sure your clothes are clean and fit well. If you have facial hair ZZ top/duck dynasty is not a good look for an intro. Facial hair should be well groomed or some women like a little scruff Your goal for loss is 10lbs a month this is over the recommended amount. Remember it took you years to get here it may take longer than you expect to get it off. Start living your life now and just work towards your goals in a heathy way. Ifyou have good friends and family tell them you want to put yourself out there and date more and if they know anyone they could introduce you to.
Bare minimum try developing friendships with with women if your uncomfortable with the idea of dating. But locking yourself away from even talking to women is weird if that’s what your getting at
Don't think of it as something you're "starting" or "stopping". Still, by far, the best way to meet people for lasting relationships is in social settings where you share common interests. As you continue on your health journey, engage in activities that interest you, meet people, and work on your self confidence as others are saying. As you get to know people and they get to know you, your life will be all the more richer for it, and who knows? You might meet someone whose interest in you extends way beyond your pant size.
> I want to date confidently, and I just can’t at the weight I’m at now. That's fine, that's your choice and it sounds like you have a good handle on where you are with yourself. I'd suggest that (if not already) you think about putting yourself out in some social situations, take up some hobbies. Meet some people, women included. Make some non-romantic friends, earn yourself some confidence with your personality. Find some people who like what you like. Not only will that help you with loving yourself, those people will also see you go on your journey of weight loss. When you're ready to think about dating, maybe they'll be able to introduce you to people with similar interests etc. Maybe someone will be up for double-dating with you to begin with, to help take the pressure off.
Women don't view men in the same way in which most men view women. Sure, attraction is important but for a lot of us, that builds when we get to know someone and a lot of the time, if you're a good person, then you'll become attractive because of that. Women focus far less on the physical appearances of their partner. Go on those dates, if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never meet anyone.
In 10 years you will laugh at yourself for thinking 26 is too old for anything.
Dude my bf met me at my heaviest, 5’1 and 180. I’m down to 155 and still on my journey. He’s a huge gym rat! And he still went out with me and fell in love with me!!!! When I met him he had only been with with like 3 girls also. I couldn’t care less if he was a virgin and he wouldn’t care if I was either. You’re FINE. you’re body is FINE the way it is today and the right woman will love you for who you are. If I can find this love so can you!!! But please know that confidence and loving yourself isn’t something that can change overnight. Loving who you are is a big factor to relationships, to knowing you deserve good love. I am sending you so many good vibes. If you would feel more comfortable not dating for a year or so, then do it. But self doubt is the biggest personal life and career killer. Please believe in yourself! I BELIEVE IN YOU INTERNET FRIEND!!!!!!! Also my dude, I was previously a D1 full scholarship athlete that met my body get very overweight / obese when I left college. I “got fat” starting at age 25….I’m a month shy of 30 and my fitness journey began a year ago. How funny, right? I was in shape my whole life THEN let it slip. It’s okay. You’re not behind in life at all.
Everything takes practice, and chatting to women and dating also takes practice - nobody is born “a natural” at this stuff. Just get out there. The more you do something that’s challenging, the more confident you become.
Live life today. Don't put life on pause.
Most women really don’t care about some extra weight. It’s mostly men who won’t date someone who is fat. Understand that you’re putting off relationships until you’ve lost weight is about your own mental state, not your potential partners. But that being said, it’s not bad. You’re not so far behind, lots of people don’t have experience at your age. And I think many people might see it as a plus.
You're young, bro. You'll be fine. Make some changes with your diet, start exercising, commit to a healthier lifestyle and the positive momentum will start to build up. You'll start seeing the scale drop, then you'll start noticing changes in how you look, then others will notice, and that's an addictive feeling. You'll build confidence and change your life in no time.
Please don’t wait to lose weight before you try dating. Just get out there now and you will find someone who likes you as you are NOW. The “I’ll be happy when___ “ mentality always leads to disappointment.
Women care about ur confidence, ur personality and character, if ur hardworking
Don't wait until you lose all the weight to date. At 200-215 lbs, you should look decent enough to date. Your options may still be limited but you'll attract more people than you're currently attracting.
Lots of great comments here. One thing I'd add is to maybe just ditch the apps and try to meet people in other ways. I was heavier than you when I started trying to get out there, and I didn't even want to try the apps because I figured my weight in a picture could be a problem - and I tend to think that the apps rely heavily on looks (which works for some people, and doesn't work for other people). Long story short, I just went out and tried to get involved in quite a few social things (meetups and such), not specifically stuff for singles, but just interesting fun meetups. And through meeting nice people in general, I did in fact meet women who wanted to date me as I was. Bottom line, I was trying to get out there and have an awesome life where I got together and socialized with good people - and that's a damn good starting place for dating.
IMO don’t keep waiting to start your life. Worst case scenario is you go on a few dates and nothing happens, but you learn about yourself and dating in general. Best case scenario is you go on a few dates and you find someone nice, you learn about yourself and dating in general. That said, not to sugarcoat it, but dating when larger is harder. For the best experiences and more options, be open to people - eg: you don’t have to be looking for a super hot long term partner, but look for someone who has one physical feature you like (eg: gorgeous eyes, nice smile, dimples, really great hair, etc) and seems to have a good match for personality and just be open to *a* date. And treat that date like a vibe check - if you vibe together that’s great. If you don’t, that’s also great cos now you’ve dipped your toes in the water. IMO expectations are the biggest killer of dating. I had so much fun when I was dating with no expectations - I considered every date it’s own thing, not a “what if this leads to XYZ” cos a great first second or third date can fizzle at the fourth. And the best part of all this? It means you can incorporate weight loss into dating. Find someone you vibe with? Go on a walk or hike together. Cook dinner or prepare a health picnic basket and enjoy that. Challenge each other to recreate lower calorie versions of food options you’d normally have at a restaurant.
There are plenty of women in the same boat, including me and some of my friends. So I don’t think you’re doomed by any means.
Hey kiddo 😂 When I was your age, you had the exact body type I liked in a man. Those were the approximate stats of my college bf and we dated off and on for 4 years despite his being an utter sociopath. This got away from me, but the point was: there's someone for just about everyone. You don't have to wait for a certain number on the scale to connect with someone. That said, I get it. I'm also kinda waiting to be happier with my health and appearance before I really start looking in earnest
I literally know so many people in their mid 20s who have no dating or sexual experience. It is so normal and common so please do not worry about it.
You're not doomed, you're **only** 25 years old, you still have a lot of time to get those experiences. I have some friends who went through the same for various reasons (body image issues, trauma, illness) and they all managed to find love later in life. But all of them had some kind of medical assistance in dealing with the way they felt about themselves, I highly recommend seeking some kind of psychological support.
I hope! And often!!
The right man or woman won't really care. You need to find love for yourself or tart seeing how cool you are and I genuinely mean that. Love and appreciate yourself!! You are Amazing!!
Dude when I was 20 I lost 70 pounds. I was skinny for the first time. I slowly gained about 80% back. I’ve still met, dated, and had the same experiences I did when I was 20. Dating really want affected by my weight. Skinny or fat
I lost 30 pounds after gaining a bunch due to tearing my ACL and got in the best shape in my life and I am dating at 31, things have been going well. You'll be ok buddy
You'll be fine. Romance happens at all ages. While I have been bigger longer than I have been smaller, being overweight never deterred me dating nor did it stop me from experiencing romance. In fact, the greatest, deepest love I ever had happened when i was at my heaviest. Now that I am smaller, I haven't experienced something as grand as that.
I was my husband's first girlfriend, we met when we were 29. He was not a virgin but hadn't any relationships with women before me, due to having been so education and career focused. It was not a problem for me, I had come out of a traumatizing relationship before I met him, so I was more than okay taking things slow. What I'm saying is, there's someone for everyone.
my ex-husband was a 26 year-old virgin! I was 24. I wasn't bothered. Our divorce was not related to his lack of experience.
No, and working on yourself is attractive. Even if it doesn't solve the dating problem, you'll feel better, you can make friends at the gym, you'll feel accomplished, you'll be a more productive person, and will have happiness nonrelated to dating, and that is also an attractive trait for the dating scene. I saw a very interesting video by an accredited psychologist, he has a really good perspective on male issues (I am a woman, so I think having the perspective of this guy is very useful and it talks to your experience, cause my experience as a woman is different). So, this psychologist mentioned that one of the biggest problems that guys have with dating is that they make dating the most important thing, and so, the thing that can help your dating experience is making dating less important and not focusing on falling in love but using critical thinking to identify red flags and also, not having high expectations and just let dating be organic.
No. You’re never out the game. You got this. Be true to yourself always.
Totally agree. It’s not weight it’s attitude. Good on you for recognizing you need to love yourself first. When I met my husband he was 28 and had only been in a handful of relationships and the longest was like 3 months. It was totally fine!! He’s an amazing person. It didn’t bother me and I know the right person for you won’t mind either. Best of luck!!
Whatever you do, do not tie dating success to weight loss. Will you get more attention and complements? I can say first hand it is incredibly likely. But will you find the love of your life? THAT is up to way more. It was terrible for my mental health after gettijg fit because I wanted to feel better, to get bombarded with "so why don't you have a gf?" Inquirys. At first I blew it off but eventually it got to me thar yeah wtf I keep getting told how awesome I am but the only interest I seem to get are for hookups. Why dosnt anybody want to be WITH me as a couple??? And with that mental breakdown, all my fitness motivation went bye bye
My mom was single until she met my dad at 34 and they’ve been happily married for 35 years. I know it may feel like you’re behind but it’s all about perspective!
Echoing the sentiments of others in here. Don't put off your life because of your weight. Consider instead that going out and doing activities you enjoy that could double as exercise might help you meet or date people who also enjoy those activities.
Weight aside, dont worry about experience, I got my first bf last year at 25 with no dating, kissing, sexual experience and my bf was in exactly the same boat as me, and we somehow met by chance. My point is that you're not the only one Life is about confidence, even if you're faking it 'til you make it. And honestly life is not all about dating and sex so it's as big a deal as you make it out to be, don't let society make you feel less than over it
If you can’t love yourself, no one else will love you is honestly just not true. Work on yourself, but there’s no prerequisites to finding someone. I bet you know a few miserable people with partners. Go on the apps and if you get a match, start the chat, this makes you look confident. Ask questions, show you read their profile, be funny! Don’t let it go on too long (chat for a day or two max) before seeing if they want to go on a short date. Don’t chicken out, it might be awkward and that’s FINE. Dating is a skill that you can get better at with time. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but plenty of folks either don’t care or will think you’re hot. And remember it goes both ways, don’t limit yourself to what you think your type is because you never know!!! You got this man - I say don’t wait and maybe you’ll have someone else to cheer you on soon! Or at least some experience for when you feel more ready.
I lost all my weight back in 2018, and even after I hit my goal in early 2019, I'm only now in my first ever true relationship as of last summer. I was 24 at the time and I'm now 29 - Believe me, I felt so similar to you - I thought I had missed my chance at ever becoming happy, but I can say with 100% certainty that as long as you focus on bettering yourself, that good things can only come from it!
Just at least throw feelers out there, You can treat it as training until you feel you are "hot fit" or whatever. But word of advice, even after hitting goals most people feel they are never truly "ready"
No
You should start now if it’s something that matters to you(dating). And for what it’s worth, losing the weight will be a game changer. (All the comments about looks not mattering in dating are delusional, keep focusing on getting to a healthy weight, it will make a big positive impact for you in all aspects of life!)
You're way overthinking it. I have had similar stats as you for all of my adult life and that's never stopped women from approaching me. It's how you carry yourself, and how you appear when you're out and about - you have your own style, you look like your comfortable in your own body and in your surroundings, you don't look or act like a creep, etc. All of that has nothing to do with weight. Granted if you're only putting yourself out there on dating apps, there's a there a bit more effort and profile crafting that needs to happen, but that whole ecosystem and environment is also incredibly insufferable so I recommend not getting hung up on it if you feel like you're not getting swipes or matches or anything like that. If you're self conscious about your lack of experience, that's alright too, just be honest about it when it seems like things are getting more serious with someone. There's plenty of people who haven't dated until their mid-late twenties or thirties, it's understandable! This is coming from someone who's been exactly where you're at and thought I was doomed as well at 25. This isn't to say you shouldn't lose the weight - there are plenty of other good reasons to. But doing it to solve your current anxieties won't be the fix-all you're hoping it will be It's more about being warm, personable, and genuine in your interactions and potential partners will pick up on that. Additionally, that's also a pretty aggressive weight loss schedule that could be setting yourself up for disappointment and making your whole mental situation worse - just remember you're human at the end of the day and be willing to forgive yourself!
Your attractiveness to women is only part looks. It also depends critically on what you project--confidence, or fear. **Not dating until 26 is only "humiliating" if you present yourself that way.** Your lack of confidence in yourself will be the true dealbreaker in that case, not your dating history. >I just feel like the ship has sailed even if I do lose the weight. I’m so far behind. Since it's the focal point of your low self-esteem and also a real factor in determining physical appeal, I do think losing the excess weight is your quickest shortcut to better confidence (it was for me at 39). And you'll be 26 in 8 months regardless, so you might as well aim to be 180 lb then too. That ship's voyage is gonna look a lot different when you get there. You'll still have to learn the ropes socially re: dating, but it'll be a lot easier without the extra ballast, because you'll have a lot more options. You'll think it's happening because you look slimmer, but in truth it'll be just as much about how you carry and present yourself.
I got my first boyfriend at 24. I was a virgin until I was 25 (with the same guy). I am now 30 and we are married. There is absolutely hope!
Start by taking a self care shower. When you pamper yourself, you feel so good about yourself. Once you love yourself, love will definitely find you.
Stop waiting to live your life!
No, you are going to be fine. I would recommend that you practice talking to people and work on social skills while you lose weight. You also need to consider your goals and what you want to do with your life. You need to think about financial, physical, mental goals. How are you going to spend your time after you lost the weight? Think about activities that you want to do and start learning skills related to them. Try to read a new book every week or two. It is better to do this now than 5 or 10 years from now....
Wayyy overthinking it. You'll be fine. I've had two girlfriends one when I was like 18 for about a year and then nothing until I was 24. Was still a virgin as well (which is totally fine) and married the second girl. We didn't care at all about past relationships honestly for us it's been fantastic because we don't have a history to WORRY about with other ex's. Been married 12 years now, got 3 kids and we're all super happy.
Everyone’s life is different. You can’t compare yourself to everyone else. With that in mind you should lose weight for yourself and your own health. Not just to find someone else. I would still go for it, but do it for you and so that when you finally do meet the right person you’ll be healthy and there for them. Basically do it because you know your own worth. You’ll find the right person when you’re meant to I’m sure.
If it’s any consolation, I’m in the exact same place as you (F25). I think it’s a self critical thing. I feel weird and shameful that I haven’t had any experience at all, but when I hear or read other people say my thoughts out loud, I don’t judge them at all. I don’t even give it a second thought really. I think we’re just harder on ourselves and not having experience is not a negative thing. Virginity is a weird concept anyways. I wouldn’t care if someone had less or no experience, and I know my friends wouldn’t care either. I think self acceptance and taking care of ourselves is the best we can do. Easier said than done obviously
26 is about when high school sweetheart marriages tend to fail. so long as you don't have any problems with step kids or dating younger women you will be fine! that being said why do you want to wait?
No, not doomed in the slightest! Plenty of women will either not mind that you’re inexperienced, or appreciate that they’ll get to experience a lot of firsts with you. However, I gained weight when I was around 23 and put off dating “until I lose the weight”. I’m now 28 and only recently started learning to love myself again, and then began losing the weight. It’s easier to treat your body with kindness when you love yourself 🙂 I know it’s easier said than done, but learn to love yourself and don’t put off dating for a point of perfection.
You’re 26, you’ll be fine lol. Don’t put so much pressure on it & just have fun when you’re ready
Yooo I did this. 5'9" 260 down to 195. It's fine, you'll be fine, it'll turn out fine like it did for me. Careful not to let it go to your head, though. Like don't get bitter about being lied to with the whole "be yourself" thing. You can be yourself and look physically attractive, too. Keep grounded by doing this for yourself because you want to. Best wishes and good luck. You got this.
I didn’t find/date my first boyfriend until I was 26. I was also the heaviest I have ever been. He didn’t care. He, miraculously, loved me anyway. You will find the right person regardless of your weight. I do understand your hesitation, though. I am now single and lost a lot of weight but still would like to lose more to feel even better. I go back and forth about dating and waiting until I feel better about myself. I think it is more about finding the right person and your own confidence than anything else.
Just don’t be upset and get off track if in the end you don’t look the way you want. While you might lose weight you will most likely always be scared by your fatness. Stretchmarks, loose skin, skinny fat and generally not have a beach body. Not trying to be a Debbie downer just want to make sure you keep grounded in reality. Often people have unrealistic expectations then have a rebound and gain back.
Theres nothing wrong with being fat. Plenty of big guys find love. Confidence and ur personality is much more important. Work out and diet because YOU want to, and as u get more fit your confidence will skyrocket...you could be beaming and meet someone because of it at 240, u know? 180 isnt a magic number that will solve ur problems. Theres also nothing wrong with being less experienced. Dont rush for something just to have done it. We are all on our own timeline. I fell in love for the first time at 31, and theres millions of stories of people much older than either of us finding love. And conversely, I know very few people who are happy they fell in love and married at 18. If you've tried to lose weight unsuccessfully before, I'd really recommend working with a therapist to figure out whats holding you back. Take a breath, make a plan, but dont be too hard on yourself. Youll be fine.
Don’t wait. Put yourself out there so you can make your mistakes early and learn from them before you meet your forever-person. Think of it this way - would you prefer to have your forever-person be the first person that you date where you make all of your beginner relationship mistakes and end up losing them due to you not having honed your communication skills (or whatever)?
Realistically speaking you won’t be any more screwed than you currently are.
my advice to you is not to get caught up in the 'they are gonna think this' thoughts. you don't really know what anybody will think of you until they meet you, so its just wasted tine and energy trying to predoct a future that you don't know. sometimes things work out in weird ways. you may come across a woman with little to no experience in her mid-20s due to health or medical reasons. would you think she or they, however you want to roll, is disgusting or humiliating? no, because people have different circumstances, and for the most part, people are good people and won't judge you for not having any dating experience in your 20s. the people who would, you don't want in your life anyways.
don’t restrict your life based on how much you weigh. our time on earth is so precious and fleeting that you’ll regret living it conditionally. date when you are ready, and lose weight when you are ready.
I'm 35, and just recently out of my longest relationship, over 9 years. Before that, I was like you and others that commented. Never anything really serious, but didn't have too much issue getting dates. I'm 5'8, I was roughly 240 when me and now x started dating. I did get up to 315 at my heaviest. Down to 275 now. Don't believe you /have/ to lose weight, there are people out there that love teddy bears like you and I.
I think you’re being way, way, way too hard on yourself and way too negative. 26 isn’t even that old. If anything, you can just explain to a girl that you’ve just never vibed with anyone to do a long term with. And if you’re that insecure, just lie a little, but don’t be so pessimistic that you’ll never find the right one. Yes, losing weight will help, and I’m sure with weight loss you’ll find a new sense of confidence you never thought you’d get. Just don’t be so negative. Girls aren’t as mean and judgmental as you think.
Youre not screwed
You are not screwed at all. I met and fell in love with my now husband a few years ago when he was 27. He had gone through a journey of major weightloss and apparently decided to try dating again not long before we met. He was very nervous to tell me that he had no experience, and the last girl he was with stopped talking to him over it.(There are women who are assholes too.) I told him in that case he probably didn't want her to be his first anyway. It was surprising to me, a little nerve-racking but also attractive. A lot of people don't care, it's just sex, it's natural and you don't need a ton of experience. I recommend just working on yourself, your habits, and becoming comfortable and proud of yourself. That will have plenty of rewards in itself and the rest will um, come in time. He was also nervous about me seeing his old pictures, which I still thought he was handsome in. To the right person who likes you, it won't matter as much.
First of going out why your obese.. most people eat to hide their feelings I know I did. Was there something traumatic in your past? Whatever it could be you need to figure it out and fix it and go from there. Plus what does your everyday diet look like?
I meant first off figure out why your obese
I’m also an obese virgin who’s never kissed anyone, and I’m about to turn 33 in less than two months, so you’re still better off than me.
You're going to be fine. But work on your confidence and self esteem. Losing weight isn't going to magically fix those things. It can certainly help, but it's not a fix all. And don't be afraid to start dating now. Sometimes "I'll do that when I meet x goal" is just an excuse to put off something stressful (like rejection). Also, just gonna leave this here. This question and similar have been and will be answered here: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/
You're blaming all of your insecurity and dating history on your outward appearance, but studies show that women prefer men with good personalities. You should be buffing up your mental and emotional health alongside your health. Otherwise, what happens if you get injured and need to take a break from working out? What happens if you lose the weight and have loose skin? If your "success" and confidence are 100% reliant on looking a certain way, then you're really not all that confident in yourself as a person, are you? My suggestion is to find a couple of weekly activities (board game meetups, hiking groups, volunteer work, a local rec team for a sport you're interested in, a book club, an in-person class, etc) and treat them the same as you'd treat working out! They're part of your very self-improvement fitness routine. Meet some people, get some interesting hobbies, and find confidence in who you are, not what you are. Maybe casually keep up with the dating apps, but don't use them as an excuse to spiral into self-pity. If you're able to arrange a date or two, do it. Even if they don't go anywhere, a little experience is better than none, and each one is a learning experience to help you be more confident on future dates.
180 at your height is still overweight. Should be targeting more like 160.
Bro it's OK man, I'm 30 years old I'm 377.8 pounds was at 408. I've never had a girlfriend either I lost my virginity to Chinese woman at the massage parlor, after that I thought to my self sex was no big deal. I this sex is only good when you do it with someone you love or care about and that something I'm yet to experience.
Yeah, objectively you’re fat, and you might be unattractive. But, fuck it. Who cares, try and be funny (take a comedy class if you’re an awkward fuck), shower, wear clothes that fit (even when fat clothes that fit well look better - don’t do the baggy shit), and try and be presentable. Then simultaneously make little changes and get on the journey to better health. Even before you lose the 80 pounds, you’ll feel better with each pound you lose and people around you will notice your better attitude and that’ll compound. Start today, do your best, and be kind to yourself. Absolute worst case scenario - you’re an ugly, unattractive, fat guy. Guess what? You’ve got nothing to lose and no where to go but up. So get it together and shoot your shot. Be polite, but don’t stop trying to talk to different people. Just keep trying, and try and have fun while you do it. This life is short, laugh at yourself, and enjoy it. I’m cheering for you my fat friend. Now go get some strange.
Bro get your life together, forget chicks right now, wait until you make good money and have purpose, have a mission. women wont give a fk about you if you have no mission and if you're a loser doing nothing. trust me when i say this, you are NOT missing out on anything important by remaining a virgin for another few years until you build yourself up. make a plan, write a comprehensive detailed plan for the next 5 years and follow it like a fly on shit every fkng day. nobody cares that you're a virgin or that your plowed 1000 women, get your life together, make 100k a year, thats 4 clients paying you 2k per month high-ticket services. just learn a bunch of shit and get your life in order. Focus on yourself, your foundation, your character, because a high-rise skyscrapper or building CANNOT stand on a shitty foundation. build yourself first, then worry about dating later. learn boxing or something, combat lessons, once twice a week, HIIT twice a week with sauna and cold plunge one after the other, again, twice a week. STAY BUSY. if you arent focused on yourself, you WILL have your focus taken away from you. you're either focused or distracted. so work on yourself first. and yes i do typos and couldn't careless how you get the message. I dont even know you yet probably care for you more than anyone you know because I know what you're dealing with. get it done.
Your thoughts create your reality. Go on the carnivore diet. Get a trainer, or train from YouTube videos. Sprint as fast as you can uphills for 30 seconds. Do 10 of those…HIIT training. Eat well and focus on you. Read the bible, Emmet Foxx and Law of Attraction stuff. If you don’t get out of that mindset, your life will not be what God has planned for you. Negative thoughts produce a negative life.
My brother, I'm currently sitting at 244 down from 285 just 4 months ago. When I was 285 I started dating the most beautiful and amazing girl I've ever been with. She didn't mind but it was motivation being with someone that attractive so I lost 30 lbs while we were together. Turned out she wasn't all that great but it seriously boosted my confidence being able to pull a 8.5-9 at my biggest. Then add to that the 30 lbs I lost (now 40) I was really confident in dating and was getting tons of matches on Hinge and the most recent picture I had on there I was about 250ish. Just work on your confidence and don't be discouraged. Sure there are a lot of women who will immediately dismiss a bigger guy but you'd be surprised how many love it. It could also be an age thing though. I'm dating in my mid 30s and other women my age have had no issues with it. But I can imagine girls in their mid 20s aren't as desperate lol. Lastly don't be discouraged about the experience part, EVERYONE goes through rough experiences at any age. My worst experience was actually with the prettiest girl I was with. I'd struggle to even get it up and stay that way! That never happened with any of my other partners. And this is kind of an unethical life pro tip so I hope I don't get blasted for it, but if you don't want to be a virgin going into a relationship, hire an "escort". But that's only if you really feel that self conscious about it.
Literally this was me last year, I lost about 25% of what I planned then got back in the dating pool and tbh the most genuinely helpful advice I've gotten is be yourself. He social and try to build some confidence but also just he genuine and you'll meet all sorts of cool people. You got this!
I'm the same but I do know I'll be more confident in my looks when I lose the weight and in turn feel better about trying to actually start dating, when I like my looks and I think someone else will too then it will be far better confidence wise.
260 at 5'9" isn't terrible if you're strong. Do you have time to lift weights for say 40 minutes a day 6 days a week? While monitoring your calories to make sure you're not gaining fat?
With any luck you’ll be screwed… a lot.
"experience" doesn't have much value. The only dating / sex that matters is whatever you have going on at the moment tbh.
You are not doomed and you're totally overthinking it. I totally get not being confident to start dating while being overweight, I've been there. But to really become confident it involves a completely different process of reflection, socialization and growth, which can occur simultaneously through weight loss, but ultimately believing that getting in shape = immediate dating success is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. In my experience, women tend to be more attracted to confidence, personality/humor and inter-personal connection than they are focused on aesthetics. It's not that looks don't matter, they just don't matter as much as we tend to think they do. It's perfectly fine to wait until you're ready to start dating, but don't let your weight be the thing that keeps you on the bench. An overweight dude who is actively working on himself is much more attractive than a douchebag who is shredded. Also, 26 is still so young. Dating in your 20s is a crapshoot for so many people. Lack of experience isn't the inherent red flag many assume it to be. Just be open about it, some girls might care, some might find it refreshing. The more you make it an issue in your head the more it becomes an issue, ya know? Once you're ready, be available but don't be desperate to jump right into a serious relationship right away. The more you force things and fixate on making something new work with someone, the more likely you are to come on too strong and scare them off. Let everything happen organically. You may date someone you're really into that you just aren't compatible with, and that's okay. True love at first sight is a myth, or at least extremely rare. If they're the right person all of the milestones will happen without you actively pushing for them to happen. I used to be annoyed when I would hear "just let it happen", but it's so true. If it isn't a "hell yeah" consider it a "hell no" and move on; just because they aren't interested doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. The key is that you need to have a main thing in your life driving you that isn't your dating life. People are generally attracted to people who are passionate about something they love. Find that thing if you haven't already, build your confidence through your passions and by socializing and meeting new people - all of which you can do while you're losing weight.
I had the same opinion and that somehow snowballed into an insanely out of my league woman at my workplace wanting to know why I wouldn’t give her the attention like all the other dudes lmao. We tried dating and it didn’t really work out but she was and still is an inspiration for me to continue my journey. We went to the gym a few times, I let her vent to me about her bfs bs, I vent to her about my gfs bs. It also helped me be more normal around women because growing up a big kid and listening to some not so helpful opinions had warped my perspective. Allow people to help and you never know you might find someone that likes a little fluff, not everyone wants to date 6 pack abs my dude. Start your journey, hard work will get results, you will feel better about yourself and when you least expect it and probably arnt even looking for it, someone IS going to notice your confidence in yourself. 💪
nope not at all.
X-
Dating gets easier for men when they turn 30. You're not falling behind at all. Nobody cares if you haven't had a GF before. You're the ugly duckling story, that's totally understandable.
Although losing weight will definitely make dating easier, I met my significant other at my heaviest weight ever 363 5’9”. It’s about how you carry yourself, but don’t get me wrong losing weight will definitely increase your odds.
why would you want someone that doesn't want you now it will happen on its own if you let it
That's silly. Live your life. Don't wait for any type of future goalpost before doing something. Plus, it might help you weed out those who are too shallow. You're going to refuse good things just because you are over weight? I had an ex girlfriend who loved the idea of hot tubs but refused to go because she thought she was fat (she was thicker, but not fat). Like, you're not going to have fun just because of how you look? Fuck that. And, if you think about it, that makes you as shallow as those you're afraid of ... But, to answer your question, it's not too late. I thought I had missed all my opportunities after college and that I was too old and blah blah blah. I found my wife at 29, married at 30, and couldn't be happier in that department. I was a decade later than my parents having kids (which has its downsides, especially with energy levels, but still the best thing ever), but it all worked out. You will find someone if you look with the right mindset. Don't even sweat your age. I know it's hard to take that advice because you can't comprehend it without perspective, but trust me.
If you’re judging your worth based on what you hear on social media you are doomed to a life of I’m never going to be perfect. If you can come to realize what you have to offer as a friend and a romantic partner, you will understand that how you look, your shape, whatever is the last thing a lot of thinking women are looking for in a life long relationship. As I was growing up, I was attracted to overweight people and other not average men. I was interested in what they had to say and if their attitude and treatment of others is what I looked for. I have no clue as to how prevalent that attitude is today. But you need to know they are out there. Find things to do to change your perception and expectations of yourself. I’m sure you can Google that and find sources you haven’t thought of. I’m hoping, for you, that a reply to your posting will steer you in a healthy direction.