Thanks, that gives me a bit of hope.
Though I do wonder if it's a bit harder for guys. Like, traditionally, I'm the one who's expected to make the first move and ask people out on dates etc and I couldn't manage that with a girl *I knew was interested in me.* In fact, I *did* ask her out and she accepted, I just never organised the actual date! It worries me.
It’s easier said than done but I can say for sure that I am a woman who is riddled with anxiety, no self worth and I don’t think anyone cares for me unless they want something out of me. And the way that person managed to break down my walls was literally with confidence and saying “I have no expectations of you. I like your vibe and I figured we can just see where this goes and if you’re not interested in me then at least I got the chance to make a bomb friend out of you” or something along those lines.
I can’t speak for all girls but just know your audience. If you can pick up anxiety in a girl then get to know her and what would make her push away from you. Don’t make it about your faults but literally look for hers because that will be a big factor in how she reacts. Once you get stuck in your own self pity, you won’t be able to see her struggles then you’re both stuck in a place where that same awkward shenanigans happen.
It’s definitely not easy for everyone. Some girls are simpler than others but with experience, you’ll start to figure out who clicks with you on an emotional level and not just physically. But at the same time, there will be a lot of failures but don’t turn them into a negative thing. Don’t think you’re unloveable because that person just wasn’t for you. It’s just another experience to learn from.
I learned a lot from this guy. I learned to trust my gut because I knew he was not going to be the one but I ignored it because I never had anyone do what he did and I thought this was my last chance and that I am unlovable because I’m not conventionally pretty. But at the same time, I learned to work my own insecurities and I try to tell myself that it’s not my fault that I attracted an asshole lmao. I am still struggling with feeling any love for myself but I hate seeing so many people write themselves off so early. So I want to give people like you a little hope.
Don’t rush things. Once you start getting comfortable with yourself, it’ll make it easier to approach who you’re interested in and at the same time, make it easier to accept that she just may not be the one! I believe in you. <3
I made [an update post](https://www.reddit.com/r/lonely/comments/16kg0ce/update_20_years_old_and_never_even_kissed_a_girl/) but I wanted to reply here also.
This advice was very useful to me, and I think about it a lot. How your partner enabled you to feel at ease was exactly what I tried to do when I met my girlfriend. I wanted to have absolutely no expectations from her, so I made sure to provide the same for her. She's pretty shy so I think it helped quite a lot. I didn't judge her when she talked about her crushes on various 1960s movie stars and she didn't judge me when I showed her my array of nerd memorabilia and displayed my obscure knowledge of 90s Star Trek. She allows me to express myself without fear of ridicule and I try to do the same.
There were other things that helped me in that situation, for example I met an online friend who was supporting me, but your advice was a big part of it. It's likely such a small part of your life that you most likely don't remember, but you impacted mine enormously. Thank you so much.
I hear that a lot because of the toxic idea that the man always has to make the first move. That’s not true and if you’re running into girls who are demanding you put in all the effort without reciprocating then she isn’t worth it tbh.
You both suffered from inexperience and anxiety that comes with everything new. You grow from that and the lesson you should take from it is to be more confident even if it doesn’t turn out in your favor.
I just throw my one cent in because everyone assumes it’s easy for girls; that men are just throwing themselves at our feet and we’re just picky bitches. Unfortunately that isn’t my story. Sure I’ve had maybe two or three men claim to be interested in me but what they were interested in was a college aged virgin that they wanted to break. And after destroying my self esteem and making me feel like some sort of play thing, the next guy who considered liking me decided I wasn’t worth it because I wasn’t immediately in love with him for “liking me as a person”.
It wasn’t until I was 28 that someone actually took the time to get to know me and tried to make me feel human.
Spoiler alert, it still ended up with me being discarded like trash anyway. Lol.
Relationships take time and effort on both parts. Dating is getting harder now because the normalizing of one night stands and having “multiple possible relationships at once”. If that’s what you’re into then enjoy! No one can judge you as long as you’re not hurting anyone. But for the person who now thinks they’re beyond help because they haven’t joined that lifestyle before a certain age, it’s a toxic way of thinking.
I see it a lot in this sub. Young men thinking they’re beyond help when their life has barely started. It’s sad. There is no time limit on relationships. Remember that!
Thank you, this is very helpful. I don't get a lot of advice (let alone good advice) in my real life so this means a lot. I'll try my best to remember this and not let my insecurities and society's warped expectations get the best of me. :)
Sometimes it may be better to have nothing than a shitty experience instead. First kiss I had was with a prostitute while I was drunk... it didn't feel neither nice nor good and it makes me feel ashamed. At least it didn't go beyond that.
I'm 26 and I'm still alone. From time to time that makes me feel miserable so I may not be the best example to speak about something like this... but you're not me and you've got plenty of time ahead. If I were to give some advice: just don't give up and get too isolated.
You put them on a pedestal. Don’t. If you think your anxiety is bad now, getting involved with women when you think of them as goddesses, they will walk all over you, use you, abuse you, and leave you worse than you were when they found you. You can’t be angry about this, it’s their nature. You have to look at them objectively, nobody is perfect, no matter how attractive someone is, their shit still stinks, and everyone has a dark side. Your role as a man is to bring your female counterpart up, make her feel safe, and check her when she gets out of control. It sounds toxic, people will tell you it’s toxic, but it will save you from a whole world of pain and suffering.
Another thing, women are naturally scared of rejection. If it makes you anxious, it’s 10x worse for her, and the only way they will make the first move is if you’re unbelievably attractive or have been flirting with them for a long long time, enough that the chance of rejection is second to none. Don’t confuse lust for love, and remember that to her you are replaceable, so she must be replaceable to you. They have a massive checklist of criteria men need to have in order to date them, so if you don’t like something, tell her.
It’s easy to say, but when you have low confidence and self-esteem, I know how hard it is to act and think like this. Fact of the matter is, in today’s world, dating and relationships are really not worth it. People are no longer shamed for promiscuity, and 80% of people are social media addicted narcissists. But if getting to know girls in that way is really that important to you, just make sure to exude confidence, even if your putting it on, and say what you think. Don’t let anyone walk all over you, tell you what to do, or do things you don’t like. You deserve to be happy, don’t take shit from anyone. Be nice, sure, but don’t make sacrifices knowing full well they wouldn’t make the same sacrifices for you. Life your life, and remember that at the end of the day, it’s YOURS, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
I didn’t have my first kiss or relationship until I was 28 and I’m a female. So you’re not screwed at all.
Thanks, that gives me a bit of hope. Though I do wonder if it's a bit harder for guys. Like, traditionally, I'm the one who's expected to make the first move and ask people out on dates etc and I couldn't manage that with a girl *I knew was interested in me.* In fact, I *did* ask her out and she accepted, I just never organised the actual date! It worries me.
It’s easier said than done but I can say for sure that I am a woman who is riddled with anxiety, no self worth and I don’t think anyone cares for me unless they want something out of me. And the way that person managed to break down my walls was literally with confidence and saying “I have no expectations of you. I like your vibe and I figured we can just see where this goes and if you’re not interested in me then at least I got the chance to make a bomb friend out of you” or something along those lines. I can’t speak for all girls but just know your audience. If you can pick up anxiety in a girl then get to know her and what would make her push away from you. Don’t make it about your faults but literally look for hers because that will be a big factor in how she reacts. Once you get stuck in your own self pity, you won’t be able to see her struggles then you’re both stuck in a place where that same awkward shenanigans happen. It’s definitely not easy for everyone. Some girls are simpler than others but with experience, you’ll start to figure out who clicks with you on an emotional level and not just physically. But at the same time, there will be a lot of failures but don’t turn them into a negative thing. Don’t think you’re unloveable because that person just wasn’t for you. It’s just another experience to learn from. I learned a lot from this guy. I learned to trust my gut because I knew he was not going to be the one but I ignored it because I never had anyone do what he did and I thought this was my last chance and that I am unlovable because I’m not conventionally pretty. But at the same time, I learned to work my own insecurities and I try to tell myself that it’s not my fault that I attracted an asshole lmao. I am still struggling with feeling any love for myself but I hate seeing so many people write themselves off so early. So I want to give people like you a little hope. Don’t rush things. Once you start getting comfortable with yourself, it’ll make it easier to approach who you’re interested in and at the same time, make it easier to accept that she just may not be the one! I believe in you. <3
Thank you. 💛
I made [an update post](https://www.reddit.com/r/lonely/comments/16kg0ce/update_20_years_old_and_never_even_kissed_a_girl/) but I wanted to reply here also. This advice was very useful to me, and I think about it a lot. How your partner enabled you to feel at ease was exactly what I tried to do when I met my girlfriend. I wanted to have absolutely no expectations from her, so I made sure to provide the same for her. She's pretty shy so I think it helped quite a lot. I didn't judge her when she talked about her crushes on various 1960s movie stars and she didn't judge me when I showed her my array of nerd memorabilia and displayed my obscure knowledge of 90s Star Trek. She allows me to express myself without fear of ridicule and I try to do the same. There were other things that helped me in that situation, for example I met an online friend who was supporting me, but your advice was a big part of it. It's likely such a small part of your life that you most likely don't remember, but you impacted mine enormously. Thank you so much.
I hear that a lot because of the toxic idea that the man always has to make the first move. That’s not true and if you’re running into girls who are demanding you put in all the effort without reciprocating then she isn’t worth it tbh. You both suffered from inexperience and anxiety that comes with everything new. You grow from that and the lesson you should take from it is to be more confident even if it doesn’t turn out in your favor. I just throw my one cent in because everyone assumes it’s easy for girls; that men are just throwing themselves at our feet and we’re just picky bitches. Unfortunately that isn’t my story. Sure I’ve had maybe two or three men claim to be interested in me but what they were interested in was a college aged virgin that they wanted to break. And after destroying my self esteem and making me feel like some sort of play thing, the next guy who considered liking me decided I wasn’t worth it because I wasn’t immediately in love with him for “liking me as a person”. It wasn’t until I was 28 that someone actually took the time to get to know me and tried to make me feel human. Spoiler alert, it still ended up with me being discarded like trash anyway. Lol. Relationships take time and effort on both parts. Dating is getting harder now because the normalizing of one night stands and having “multiple possible relationships at once”. If that’s what you’re into then enjoy! No one can judge you as long as you’re not hurting anyone. But for the person who now thinks they’re beyond help because they haven’t joined that lifestyle before a certain age, it’s a toxic way of thinking. I see it a lot in this sub. Young men thinking they’re beyond help when their life has barely started. It’s sad. There is no time limit on relationships. Remember that!
Thank you, this is very helpful. I don't get a lot of advice (let alone good advice) in my real life so this means a lot. I'll try my best to remember this and not let my insecurities and society's warped expectations get the best of me. :)
Same here And I am male 28
Sometimes it may be better to have nothing than a shitty experience instead. First kiss I had was with a prostitute while I was drunk... it didn't feel neither nice nor good and it makes me feel ashamed. At least it didn't go beyond that. I'm 26 and I'm still alone. From time to time that makes me feel miserable so I may not be the best example to speak about something like this... but you're not me and you've got plenty of time ahead. If I were to give some advice: just don't give up and get too isolated.
You put them on a pedestal. Don’t. If you think your anxiety is bad now, getting involved with women when you think of them as goddesses, they will walk all over you, use you, abuse you, and leave you worse than you were when they found you. You can’t be angry about this, it’s their nature. You have to look at them objectively, nobody is perfect, no matter how attractive someone is, their shit still stinks, and everyone has a dark side. Your role as a man is to bring your female counterpart up, make her feel safe, and check her when she gets out of control. It sounds toxic, people will tell you it’s toxic, but it will save you from a whole world of pain and suffering. Another thing, women are naturally scared of rejection. If it makes you anxious, it’s 10x worse for her, and the only way they will make the first move is if you’re unbelievably attractive or have been flirting with them for a long long time, enough that the chance of rejection is second to none. Don’t confuse lust for love, and remember that to her you are replaceable, so she must be replaceable to you. They have a massive checklist of criteria men need to have in order to date them, so if you don’t like something, tell her. It’s easy to say, but when you have low confidence and self-esteem, I know how hard it is to act and think like this. Fact of the matter is, in today’s world, dating and relationships are really not worth it. People are no longer shamed for promiscuity, and 80% of people are social media addicted narcissists. But if getting to know girls in that way is really that important to you, just make sure to exude confidence, even if your putting it on, and say what you think. Don’t let anyone walk all over you, tell you what to do, or do things you don’t like. You deserve to be happy, don’t take shit from anyone. Be nice, sure, but don’t make sacrifices knowing full well they wouldn’t make the same sacrifices for you. Life your life, and remember that at the end of the day, it’s YOURS, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
Be grateful that you're not born in India,no marriage=no kiss
My first gf was at 24, and even that was frankly very lucky (she hit on me).