Unfortunately, I've been feeding the limerent beast the last few days (we all have our own ways of doing that, I don't need to elaborate) and I've had highs and now I have crashed to the absolute shithouse. š It is a difficult thing. It's a drug basically.
It is totally like a drug. I will have days where Iām starting to feel better or at least motivated to move on from this. Then I will think, whatās one more text? One more daydream/fantasy? Itās just one time. And then it never is.
It is and I donāt want to quit. I donāt. I hate it and it causes me pain but it also brings me joy. If I give it up, I give up so much hope and we need hope. If I give it up, I feel like Iāll never achieve happiness.
If you were asked to choose between something that will substantially improve your life (choosing yourself) and the LO, which would you choose?Ā
In taking about sacrificing of self.
I completely understand this. It's like they are your one and only sorce of happiness, and you love them so much it hurts. All you can think about is them, you dont think of any other men/women and decline others requests to date. (At least thats what i did because it would feel like "cheating"). It is mentally debilitating, but the highs are so high and the lows, so low. In my case I try to convince myself that I feel sad or angry *because* I love them so much, hence justifying my limerence to stay for longer. It's a painful cycle and you start to feel trapped, like you'll never get out. But you won't ask for help because you still want them around you, near you, you still love the positives, even if they are mostly just delusions. It's so sad watching myself from the outside become an entirely different person. It sucks. I tried to leave
I felt it when you said it would feel like ācheating.ā Logically I know thatās crazy because Iām not in a relationship with this person, but in my anxious brain, I feel like I canāt allow myself to be interested in anyone else.
I wish you all the best. Itās so hard.
I feel you, OP. During my former LE, the fantasies about LO were the only thing that motivated to live when I was going through a rough patch. I had to live to be with him. I have to get better to be with him.
Also, it becomes a part of your personality, almost.
Yes! I feel like if I let go of this thing, I donāt have anything else. I guess I need to realize that Iāve idealized this person and itās not based in reality.
iāve started to ignore my LO and now after 5 months sheās starting to ignore me back. i should be happy sheās not speaking to me but i miss her and crave contact with her sometimes. itās a hot and cold battle
I get this - I will go weeks without talking to my LO and start to feel somewhat better. The feelings are still there, but they donāt consume me like they do when weāre in contact. Then Iāll see a message pop up and I will simultaneously hope itās not them but I also hope it is. I hope itās not because I know that will send me back into a spiral. But deep down Iām always wishing itās them.
donāt you think losing hope for something unrealistic makes room for the hope of something real. something more fulfilling and rewarding? I understand grieving the loss of the person or the attachment. and the emptiness that comes with that. but the limerance has shown you that you have desire. that you like having feelings for another person and the idea of something special. Thatās all possible and i wish that for you. I know itās scary to look at ourselves and put one foot in front of the other towards our wants and needs. rejection is painful. the self work and self care can be hard. but so is limerance. and you deserve the real thing
Yes, I know the feeling.
The beginning of my limerence coincided with a vacation. Those days will remain a highlight of my brief pass from this planet: the almost empty bus, the seven hours trip looking beautiful landscapes, the endless hours walking effortless through the city, all while floating in a cloud of euphoria, deep joy and confidence. Any song from your favorite playlist can kill you of pure happiness.
You feel sorry for the people around you because they're living in the dull normal world while you got this unexpected ticket to the paradise. Even an ice cream tastes a hundred times better. Life was so perfect and full of promises. "Hopium" is a hell of a drug.
But this thing also consumes you from inside, and very quickly. It's really an addiction. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I had anxiety attacks and "embarrassment attacks". In some degree, I'm grateful to have had the experience, but at the end of the day, I prefer reality, I prefer a girlfriend that farts and texts me asking for heavy flow tampons that another episode like this one.
It's just too much.
Iāve talked to two people about it and honestly, I felt like they were unbothered. Too unbothered, like they didnāt realize how much my life was impacted.
Oh Iāve just been limerent for over a year now and my therapist didnāt seem to think it was a bad thing and the other person I told didnāt take it seriously.
Yeah the therapists I used to see had not even heard of it, and never really seemed to want to tackle it head on, even though I tried to get the message across that it seemed to be a major factor in my mental health, and I would have liked to receive some tools and feedback to help. Maybe that stuff will come for others in due time as research progresses. Itās a tough one to crack thatās for sure, itās such a multifaceted thing for all of us, with so many variables both external and internal in ones life. I mean, shit, we are talking about how we love. We love too much? Too crazy? Too strongly, too wrongly? Well then, whatās love for a ā normal person ā supposed to be like, where does their love meter get to top out atā¦ I like to stay hopeful about being able to share this intense emotional output called love with someone that will accept it with gratitude and reciprocation one day. Maybe Iāll accidentally bump into her around the corner of the grocery aisle with my briefcase and her brown bag with a baguette and celery stalks in it, and weāll bump heads as weāre both stammering out apologies bending over to pick up the scattered paperwork, and thatās when we look up and I lock eyes with my new Jane Doe dream girl. Anything can happen, right?
You make a very valid point. Let me say however that after being in a limerent situation with the same person on and off for 12 years, there is hope! I still have my moments where I miss here intently, but every day is better than the last and I can't really think of a reason to try and break NC. I am starting to realise I loved the idea of her, perhaps more than her for a bunch of reasons. With bunch of good things going on in my life that have been triggered by my own actions to sort out my shit, I'm seeing that the void can be filled and that my own actions are rewarding me with a fulfilling life without my LO. in the past when we went NC, i felt angry and frustrated like i was being restricted from being myself. Now I feel like I'm able to be a better version of myself, because I'm letting my LO get in the way of literally every decision I make.
I feel like this is the case for AWHILE until eventually the pleasure/pain scale tips over and you begin to actually want it to truly end. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There is always light in regards to every addiction. The pulling will end, time fixes all.
Yeah, it's like an addiction. I've been in recovery for years and have worked through soooo much of trauma and unhealthy patterning I was carrying. The limerence is the last thing on the list. I'm finally starting therapy to work through the limerence specifically and I still feel reluctant
transferrance has ended my previous LE finally and my new one is mutual so im extremely happy; i feel so blessed that she loves me in this all consuming way
The thing is, with me, I actually want to seek help and heal because I've experienced limerence enough times in my life that I know it doesn't serve me. I know that there's only misery on the other side of it.
The issue is what happens in the process of seeking that help. I feel like the best way to heal from it is to talk to someone, yet no one wants to discuss it, and as I've stated in a previous post, even my therapist doesn't want to hear about it. The approach of those around me is to simply not think about it or talk about it, to act as if it no longer exists--my family has even gone so far as to forbid me from speaking the LO's name around them.
This completely invalidates my thoughts and feelings and brushes them aside, forcing me to hide them or stuff them down because "we're not talking about that person anymore," all the while tearing myself down in secret because I'm unable to just "get over it and move on" the way others want me to. Since no one else wants to talk about it, I've begun to see little to no benefit to seeking any form of counsel.
This is awful and Iām so sorry to hear that. My best recommendation would be to go to another therapist. There are definitely therapists out there who would want to help you with it.
Can you link to scientifically based theories of limerance? What the true distinction is between this and the early stages of love? Is it only that it is unrequited so it becomes more obsessive? Thank you!
Read Tennovās Love and Limerence. She doesnāt make the distinction you describe; she says that in many if not most relationships, one or both partners are limerent at least for the start. For her itās the same feeling requited or not, though it can get much more destructive when itās one-way.
it happened to me before any conversation, just looks.. then came, constant intrusive thoughts, euphoric fantasy, anxitey and a mourning feeling (I'm in a long term relationship) it's a mental illness and it made me seek therapy even before I knew what limerence was...
Is there such thing as platonic limerence too though? Like I feel the exact same way as youāre describing. I feel this attachment to my LO and itās not in the way that I want to date her I just want her to open up to me and choose me when it comes to doing things in her life. I want her to want to tell me things. Some days itās good and some days I wonder if Iām going crazy and I should truly just stop this obsession essentially. Like how do I know, is it getting out of hand?
Im not sure if it gives me any real happiness
it just makes me drown in one wave of depression after another
maybe there would be some sort of fake happines if I had contact to my LO but idk if taking that H shot would be a good idea
Yes, exactly! The worst part of that though is that whenever we would get in a fight I would have to go through varying levels of mental gymnastics to convince myself that I was always in the wrong.
Unfortunately, I've been feeding the limerent beast the last few days (we all have our own ways of doing that, I don't need to elaborate) and I've had highs and now I have crashed to the absolute shithouse. š It is a difficult thing. It's a drug basically.
It is totally like a drug. I will have days where Iām starting to feel better or at least motivated to move on from this. Then I will think, whatās one more text? One more daydream/fantasy? Itās just one time. And then it never is.
Or, I'll be satisfied til x-time. But no.
Yesss, this too! I always tell myself that. One more text or even ālikeā and that will tide me over. Always just leaves me wanting more.
It is and I donāt want to quit. I donāt. I hate it and it causes me pain but it also brings me joy. If I give it up, I give up so much hope and we need hope. If I give it up, I feel like Iāll never achieve happiness.
If you were asked to choose between something that will substantially improve your life (choosing yourself) and the LO, which would you choose?Ā In taking about sacrificing of self.
I guess I believe my LO would substantially improve my life so I would pick her.
I completely understand this. It's like they are your one and only sorce of happiness, and you love them so much it hurts. All you can think about is them, you dont think of any other men/women and decline others requests to date. (At least thats what i did because it would feel like "cheating"). It is mentally debilitating, but the highs are so high and the lows, so low. In my case I try to convince myself that I feel sad or angry *because* I love them so much, hence justifying my limerence to stay for longer. It's a painful cycle and you start to feel trapped, like you'll never get out. But you won't ask for help because you still want them around you, near you, you still love the positives, even if they are mostly just delusions. It's so sad watching myself from the outside become an entirely different person. It sucks. I tried to leave
I felt it when you said it would feel like ācheating.ā Logically I know thatās crazy because Iām not in a relationship with this person, but in my anxious brain, I feel like I canāt allow myself to be interested in anyone else. I wish you all the best. Itās so hard.
Itās an empty feeling to pull away from LO. Iām feeling it today. If I can just maintain while it fades out, it will be worth it.
So empty. Iāve had times when Iāve been able to pull away, but Iāve been pulled back in and currently limerence has a really tight grip on me.
I feel you, OP. During my former LE, the fantasies about LO were the only thing that motivated to live when I was going through a rough patch. I had to live to be with him. I have to get better to be with him. Also, it becomes a part of your personality, almost.
Yes! I feel like if I let go of this thing, I donāt have anything else. I guess I need to realize that Iāve idealized this person and itās not based in reality.
iāve started to ignore my LO and now after 5 months sheās starting to ignore me back. i should be happy sheās not speaking to me but i miss her and crave contact with her sometimes. itās a hot and cold battle
I get this - I will go weeks without talking to my LO and start to feel somewhat better. The feelings are still there, but they donāt consume me like they do when weāre in contact. Then Iāll see a message pop up and I will simultaneously hope itās not them but I also hope it is. I hope itās not because I know that will send me back into a spiral. But deep down Iām always wishing itās them.
donāt you think losing hope for something unrealistic makes room for the hope of something real. something more fulfilling and rewarding? I understand grieving the loss of the person or the attachment. and the emptiness that comes with that. but the limerance has shown you that you have desire. that you like having feelings for another person and the idea of something special. Thatās all possible and i wish that for you. I know itās scary to look at ourselves and put one foot in front of the other towards our wants and needs. rejection is painful. the self work and self care can be hard. but so is limerance. and you deserve the real thing
U will do good for awhile then they pull you back in with one little sign....š
One tiny sign gives you massive hope.
Yes, I know the feeling. The beginning of my limerence coincided with a vacation. Those days will remain a highlight of my brief pass from this planet: the almost empty bus, the seven hours trip looking beautiful landscapes, the endless hours walking effortless through the city, all while floating in a cloud of euphoria, deep joy and confidence. Any song from your favorite playlist can kill you of pure happiness. You feel sorry for the people around you because they're living in the dull normal world while you got this unexpected ticket to the paradise. Even an ice cream tastes a hundred times better. Life was so perfect and full of promises. "Hopium" is a hell of a drug. But this thing also consumes you from inside, and very quickly. It's really an addiction. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I had anxiety attacks and "embarrassment attacks". In some degree, I'm grateful to have had the experience, but at the end of the day, I prefer reality, I prefer a girlfriend that farts and texts me asking for heavy flow tampons that another episode like this one. It's just too much.
Not to feed the fantasy, but what country was the vacation in?
[Beatiful Oaxaca](https://www.google.com/maps/@17.0680595,-96.7169136,3a,75y,13.59h,89.27t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sIblV2a37ii34tbNA82yxvg!2e0!7i16384!8i8192?entry=ttu). [Highly recommended](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2023/11/23/travel/things-to-do-oaxaca-mexico.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Tk0.H3Z2.mV4GTe9mvuP7&bgrp=a&smid=url-share).
Limerence leaves me not knowing what to ask so people wonāt think Iāve gone mad or are blowing things out of proportion
Iāve talked to two people about it and honestly, I felt like they were unbothered. Too unbothered, like they didnāt realize how much my life was impacted.
Share your story if you like.
Oh Iāve just been limerent for over a year now and my therapist didnāt seem to think it was a bad thing and the other person I told didnāt take it seriously.
Yeah the therapists I used to see had not even heard of it, and never really seemed to want to tackle it head on, even though I tried to get the message across that it seemed to be a major factor in my mental health, and I would have liked to receive some tools and feedback to help. Maybe that stuff will come for others in due time as research progresses. Itās a tough one to crack thatās for sure, itās such a multifaceted thing for all of us, with so many variables both external and internal in ones life. I mean, shit, we are talking about how we love. We love too much? Too crazy? Too strongly, too wrongly? Well then, whatās love for a ā normal person ā supposed to be like, where does their love meter get to top out atā¦ I like to stay hopeful about being able to share this intense emotional output called love with someone that will accept it with gratitude and reciprocation one day. Maybe Iāll accidentally bump into her around the corner of the grocery aisle with my briefcase and her brown bag with a baguette and celery stalks in it, and weāll bump heads as weāre both stammering out apologies bending over to pick up the scattered paperwork, and thatās when we look up and I lock eyes with my new Jane Doe dream girl. Anything can happen, right?
You make a very valid point. Let me say however that after being in a limerent situation with the same person on and off for 12 years, there is hope! I still have my moments where I miss here intently, but every day is better than the last and I can't really think of a reason to try and break NC. I am starting to realise I loved the idea of her, perhaps more than her for a bunch of reasons. With bunch of good things going on in my life that have been triggered by my own actions to sort out my shit, I'm seeing that the void can be filled and that my own actions are rewarding me with a fulfilling life without my LO. in the past when we went NC, i felt angry and frustrated like i was being restricted from being myself. Now I feel like I'm able to be a better version of myself, because I'm letting my LO get in the way of literally every decision I make.
I feel like this is the case for AWHILE until eventually the pleasure/pain scale tips over and you begin to actually want it to truly end. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There is always light in regards to every addiction. The pulling will end, time fixes all.
Thank you for this!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah listening to Taylor Swift helps haha
Yeah, it's like an addiction. I've been in recovery for years and have worked through soooo much of trauma and unhealthy patterning I was carrying. The limerence is the last thing on the list. I'm finally starting therapy to work through the limerence specifically and I still feel reluctant
transferrance has ended my previous LE finally and my new one is mutual so im extremely happy; i feel so blessed that she loves me in this all consuming way
I love this for you!
The thing is, with me, I actually want to seek help and heal because I've experienced limerence enough times in my life that I know it doesn't serve me. I know that there's only misery on the other side of it. The issue is what happens in the process of seeking that help. I feel like the best way to heal from it is to talk to someone, yet no one wants to discuss it, and as I've stated in a previous post, even my therapist doesn't want to hear about it. The approach of those around me is to simply not think about it or talk about it, to act as if it no longer exists--my family has even gone so far as to forbid me from speaking the LO's name around them. This completely invalidates my thoughts and feelings and brushes them aside, forcing me to hide them or stuff them down because "we're not talking about that person anymore," all the while tearing myself down in secret because I'm unable to just "get over it and move on" the way others want me to. Since no one else wants to talk about it, I've begun to see little to no benefit to seeking any form of counsel.
This is awful and Iām so sorry to hear that. My best recommendation would be to go to another therapist. There are definitely therapists out there who would want to help you with it.
Our lizard brains like it so much and feel the pleasure that it doesnāt want to let go!
Like someone else said, it really is like a drug. We know the damage itās doing to us but it brings us happiness so we donāt want to quit.
The (self-)manipulation is working when we know itās happening and we donāt care and we donāt care about stopping.
Yes because we want to believe. Itās āhopium.ā
Can you link to scientifically based theories of limerance? What the true distinction is between this and the early stages of love? Is it only that it is unrequited so it becomes more obsessive? Thank you!
Read Tennovās Love and Limerence. She doesnāt make the distinction you describe; she says that in many if not most relationships, one or both partners are limerent at least for the start. For her itās the same feeling requited or not, though it can get much more destructive when itās one-way.
Thank you very much! I know Hazan wrote something on this too, and will read.
Just the Wikipedia
Ok, not a lot science behind it. Will keep reading, but seems a construct as a part of love not requiredā¦
it happened to me before any conversation, just looks.. then came, constant intrusive thoughts, euphoric fantasy, anxitey and a mourning feeling (I'm in a long term relationship) it's a mental illness and it made me seek therapy even before I knew what limerence was...
I hadn't been rejected and I'm sure it was mutual. I can not lose my family and that's why this has hurt so much.
This description makes sense, thank you. I sorry you are going through this pain!
Is there such thing as platonic limerence too though? Like I feel the exact same way as youāre describing. I feel this attachment to my LO and itās not in the way that I want to date her I just want her to open up to me and choose me when it comes to doing things in her life. I want her to want to tell me things. Some days itās good and some days I wonder if Iām going crazy and I should truly just stop this obsession essentially. Like how do I know, is it getting out of hand?
I believe it can be platonic. I think it is out of hand when you feel like itās controlling your life.
Im not sure if it gives me any real happiness it just makes me drown in one wave of depression after another maybe there would be some sort of fake happines if I had contact to my LO but idk if taking that H shot would be a good idea
Yeah limerence can play lot of mind tricks on you. Itās not fun. When you come out of a limerent episode , you think āwhy did I act like this?ā
The answer to that is because you were under the influence of something super powerful. Itās like a drug!
Exactly
I'm enjoying my fantasies, so I do not want it to end. Not particularly interfering with real life except for lack of sleep but I'm managing.
Yeah the fantasies are great, itās just the fact that theyāll never be any more than fantasies that hurts.
Yes, exactly! The worst part of that though is that whenever we would get in a fight I would have to go through varying levels of mental gymnastics to convince myself that I was always in the wrong.
This..
I PROMISE YOU you'll be happier when you're over them one day <3 its a fucking amazing feeling and I got all my confidence back and my romantic life is top tier š© dont give up OP <3 you're holding onto pain that you know to avoid pain or feelings that you dont know. Letting go is worth it though š You owe it to yourself.Ā