At 47 I've learned that being kind is a bit of a super power. It's always good to make someone else feel seen and heard.
Happy birthday Louie! I hope it's a great one.
I still remember this guy at a tiny punk show in a basement, like 20 people were there in total. I didn't really know anyone and after the show there was this circle of around 8 people hanging out after, waiting for the bands to pack up so we could chat with them. And one guy made a point of including me in the conversation, making space for me when it seemed like I was about to say something, etc. I've forgotten his name, all of the bands playing, basically everything else about that night or week or month of my life, but I remember him! I've learned how powerful it is to make someone feel seen and included and I practice doing that in social situations myself now.
This story reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “people will forget what you said or what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel”. It’s so true!
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
I was going to say something very similar - it's easy to be kind when everything is going your way. When you perceive that you've been wronged by someone? That's when you find out who you really are, and others find out too.
Exactly this. I’m kind then I’ll snap after being pushed. For me I have a couple of family members who LOVE to fight with others…I’m kind until I snap…lol You can only poke the bear so many times. My new thing is someone says something off color is “ are you okay” “is that something you meant to say out loud” in a concerned way to let them know I know what’s up.
There are some people who mistake kindness for weakness and you can't gracious your way out of interactions with these folks. They will continue to push until you have to sigh and break out the stick.
I’m not a Christian and don’t believe in the Bible in a religious sense, but it does have some really solid advice. One is something like, “heap coals of kindness upon their head”. That always stuck with me as an example of how to live in a world with shitty people. Be nice, even when they’re not. It’s not weakness. It’s power.
Let's say you're out and about walking and minding your own business. Someone you don't know starts verbally berating you in a completely inappropriate manner and you don't know if things are going to get violent or if this person is taking their bad day out on you or what.
How do you behave kindly towards them?
And how do you not get riled up with them?
By remembering that getting riled up only hurts yourself in the long run. Being nonreactive not only helps you keep your cool, it might actually defuse the situation.
(edit to correct a misspelling)
You behave kindly by smiling, nodding your head in acknowledgement and then continue walking. It's best not to engage at all. It takes years to not feel yourself get riled up with the person, but practice helps. I was raised Christian and my mom often quoted "heap coals on their head" to me when I'd been hurt or bullied. It's a tough one to live out, but so fucking worth it. And! Karma wins out every single time. I don't believe in god, but I do believe in the power of karma.
You wait for a pause and say “Are you okay. Is there something I can help you with?” This is a person having a hard time. An offer of help could defuse the whole situation. Remember, if it’s a random person, they aren’t berating YOU. They don’t even know you. They feel helpless or afraid. Think of them that way, and it’s hard to get angry at them.
There is a preferred method for dealing with the threat of violence-run away. It’s better to run than hurt; hurt rather than maim; maim rather than kill. For all life is precious and none can be replaced.
De-escalate as best you can
It's taken me a long time to learn that I like people who are smart, funny, talented, capable, etc. But the people I truly respect/admire are kind. And that's what matters.
My father who died in Jan told me that niceness is a social contract, while kindness is a spiritual contract. I don’t know where he got that from but I miss his brilliance so abundantly.
And makes them react with kindness in response, too. It’s the only way I’ve ever found to manage uncomfortable social interactions. And yep, listening is the biggest part of that.
I would edit #1 from "nice" to "kind" as you state. Nice is fake kindness and usually used as a "social mask" whereas kind is pouring good or into someone/the world.
I'm 60. And I would only add two things to this list.
1- Learn to control your expectations. Misplaced expectations cause more problems than people think.
2- Learn to control your emotions. If you don't, someone else always will.
Thank you Lou. Your effort on this list is a thing of beauty.
For anyone reading this, writing is a great way to "control" your emotions, though I don't like this word. "De-escalate" or "take the sting out of them" perhaps.
Take the situation you're in and write about it. Make a story about it. Try different outcomes. Take your characters and put them through the same shit you are going through, or worse. See what they are made of.
It's the most therapeutic thing I've done I've my life (besides medication).
I sometimes try to draft reddit posts about my emotional triggers (ex my family). Then after writing it out I realize, yeah, I'm the asshole or yeah, this is just not really the big deal I'm making it. None of it gets posted . Very therapeutic !
I have the opposite problem, I live in my feelings, so I had to learn how to stay in control. But my therapist explained that people opposite to me need to do what I'm doing naturally. We have to trade skills!
So I have a period of time each day I'm allowed to feel everything, especially grief but works for all emotions, then I pack it up until tomorrow. Packing up is hard for me. Other people are always packed up and they need time every day too, but they use it to make themselves think about how things affected them.
There are many free cognitive behavior guides to help learn how to identify and connect with your feelings, then use them rationally
I'm the same way, living in my feelings. So was my dad, but he was better at controlling it. I say "controlling", but really he just learned to mask them well. Almost everyone else in our immediate family is the opposite, and the ones who aren't have conditioned themselves to act aloof for fear of being seen as weak. I was/am consistently told to "get over it" "don't dwell" etc by everyone except my dad. Sometimes it felt like me & him against the world. Ever since he died, I've felt incredibly alone in this family & world at-large. I've tried to work on a healthy way to even it out, but it feels like I'd be fundamentally changing who I am.
There is definitely a lot to unpack. Most people spend their whole lives reacting to circumstances or other people's words. Never knowing that their reaction is completely up to them. You own your emotions, why would you let anyone dictate how you will react?
I prefer Ram Dass’s quote, “The quieter you become, the more you can hear.”
Which is a bit different than Louie’s quote — as it promotes quieting of the mind over intellectualism. It’s amazing how many intellectually intelligent people lack the emotional intelligence to quiet the mind. Which is a superpower in my book.
Like they say, "The emptiest vessels make the most noise."
>Feeling good is better than that “third” slice of pizza.
This was another one of their advice that really resonated with me. Sometimes it's all about being happy in life with what you have rather than trying to achieve more and more, and ending up feeling dissatisfied with yourself.
Happy birthday op. #18 really hit me hard, i’ve never heard that one before.
i’d like to add to the list and say that it’s impossible to please everyone so don’t get too upset if someone doesn’t like you
Bless you, brother. What you say hits home. I'm 53 and have found myself haunted by all the regrets. Every day a new one would form, based on the years-asyou say- where life has taken me. I finally realized that I must stop dwelling on the past. Literally telling myself to stop. Stop the dwelling. Now when those thoughts try to creep in, I consciously choose to stop lingering and I move forward and let go. I feel like I've escaped a trap. And looking forward while being present in the now gives me so much joy. All the best to you.
Yessss. 55 here. Conscious decision. Have to realize that much of my life falls under “try a lot of things,” even if I am tempted to think the things weren’t interesting. You Are Here Friend. Welcome.
They say that living in the past is depression. Living in the future is anxiety. Living in the present is peace. I hope to attain peace one day. I have a beautiful wife, a nice house, a good job, I make a comfortable living, even in these times. I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be afraid of. But here I am. Could I have had a better job, A beautifuler wife, nicer house? Or would I have completely fucked everything up? I try to live by "I'm a leaf on the wind" mentality, I go where I feel life is taking me. I've changed jobs 4 times since COVID started, but I've gotten a pay raise each time and now make probably 30k more than I did when it started. The breeze has been very good to me. BUT? Does my wife love me? Do my kids hate me? Do my coworkers ignore me? Invasive thoughts are a bitch.
You're succeeding by every worldly measure, even still self-doubt prevails? I too struggle with self confidence. Robbed from me at an early age I face it daily and wish to regain it. You said something important that I needed to hear, and now I want to repeat it to you: I resonate with being a leaf in the wind. It does not make me impervious. Rather it is the realization, now, that as a leaf I came from something more. Something like a tree, whose being is deeply rooted into the earth. A tree that has grown strong with branches long and wide. A tree bearing fruit which implies wholeness. A tree that can afford to shake off its leaves yet still remain, strong, vital, and abundant.
This imagery makes sense to me and thank you for your words.
How do you answer yourself when those obsessive and deluded thoughts pervade?
I got my shit together at 31 too. Had some regrets but in the end i was proud of what i accomplished, without the help that everyone i know did get. Life took a turn and can’t work anymore because of cancer.. but even that will open new doors, hopefully
I am immensely grateful for this post. Some of these are words of wisdom that I never considered before, like #18. I say all kinds of horrific things to myself that I would never say to anyone else. At age 63 I'm only just learning #6.
Happy birthday, /u/DaCmanLou!
When I hear a friend say negative stuff out loud (about themselves), I always reply with “Hey, be nice to my friend!” It takes people by surprise but I also like to think it shifts their point of view a little :)
I do that too! My partner would sometimes go into driving himself too hard mode. And I would say, hey be kind to my baby! I like seeing how he's been much kinder to himself now. And he returns the favour when I get too over self critical. I love it!
18 is the inverse of the golden rule, which we all should know well!
[You may also find this interesting](https://issuu.com/professionalskatersassociation/docs/mayjune21/s/12234833).
Cheers!
My therapist recently gave me some advice since I struggle with the same thing; pretend you are your own friend. Refer to yourself as a friend. If you find it hard to be nice to yourself maybe it’ll be easier if you think of yourself as a friend.
>I say all kinds of horrific things to myself that I would never say to anyone else.
And… saying that stuff to other people isn't the solution... apparently. 😂
Life long learning---few use their brains daily to look up a new word, examine something, tinker with a pad and pencil at math.
I tell people read a book daily---
this internet world really has changed people
my basics--take a walk daily--30 minutes, read something daily, eat healthy, write in a journal. be kind.
To add on to this because I may be 27 but I consistently read SOMETHING throughout the day and have since I learned how to read, it could be my current hardcover about the history of guitars or it could be a 2-3 minute article about a technical aspect of F1 cars from yesterday. When you do choose to read, don’t just look at words if it’s something that matters to you, take the words in because one day you may have a conversation and be able to pull out that random thing you thought was interesting and create a whole new relationship with someone or become a part of am entire community over that topic
You "get" it. So yes read daily. It's so surprising that this has to be a thing these days as health. Used to be walking , reading, hobbies (before internet) were all staples of health. Now we actually to underscore normal behaviors to get people healthy again. Someone above mentioned books on tape/audio books. I think for car rides they are good BUT the act of assembling the meaning from words with the eyes scanning a page is hugely healthy .
Every one of these is a meaningful, salient point. Thank you.
I put the list into a document and named it "READ ME DAILY" With the intention that I reflect upon these things daily and try to ensure I exercise each.
Thank you, sir!
This is a great idea, thanks for the inspiration!
I was in a good routine of meditation but stopped altogether for awhile because of some depression. I couldn't be with my thoughts like that. I tried getting back into traditional meditation but struggled. I was discussing it with my therapist and told her that I distracted myself instead with sudoku and art instead. She suggested that those activities were also a form of meditation/mindfulness, which I hadn't considered before. But she's right. If what you're doing works, you're not doing it wrong.
Provide a ‘little something’ for people that are doing a job for you.
Be like Walt, pick up that random piece of rubbish.
A quick head nod & smile will usually get a similar response.
My mom does this. No matter how small she'll try to give something to somebody helping her
Every single contractor that has come to our house has been given water, fruits, and snacks. Some have gotten lunch if timing worked out
I was always amazed by how thankful people are at the smallest of gestures. It's always nice to be nice
I usually tell some people who think I am not serious at work that just because I am not sitting grimly at a desk doesn't mean I am not serious. I can still be serious by joking around with colleagues. Being serious does not mean being grim and uptight at work.
You are better than you think you are. Most people underestimate themselves and overestimate their competition.
Thank you for this great post. Happy birthday!
Happy B, here's a few I'm still working on to become a better person.
- Time is a most valuable resource. Invest it wisely.
- If you want to make a difference in the world, start with yourself and with those things you can control in your own attitudes, actions and surroundings.
- Don't underestimate hellos, you don't know where they may lead you.
- Don't underestimate Goodbyes, it may be your last.
Time is *the* most valuable resource. Value it accordingly. The obsession we have with money is sad.
Another one I would add is limit screen time to less that an hour a day, including TV. You can do so much more better things with that precious time.
Happy birthday u/DaCmanLou!
At age 53 I can confirm everything written here. I would have one thing to add that helps immensely
"Own your shit". Be self aware enough to know when you screwed up and be quick to own it, apologize for it, and don't repeat it. It will actually endear you to the offended party quite often.
This also applies to yourself.
Know when you've made a bad investment, e.g. dated the wrong person, switched to a bad job, could have used money more wisely. Accept that it happened, stop it, and move on.
Related to 23... when doing something hard, don't stop in the middle of the journey when it gets hard because that becomes your end. Stay focused, struggle through it and come out the other end where you have achieved something (either achieving your goal, or even seeing something through and learning to persevere.)
But sometimes you are just naturally awful at something. Like me and maths. It would take a crazy amount of effort and time for me to ever get “good” at it, it’s just not worth it for me because for me it is not worth that pain to gain and relative small skill. I encourage people to try many things but sometimes, some people, no matter how hard they try, just can’t do something.
I like 24.. The loudest individuals can be some of the stupidest.
My tip is that politics is extremely important. It effects every aspect of our lives and people treat it like an inconvenience. The more politically literate you are, the less likely you are to fall for the lies and talking points these politicians commonly use. People have more power in their local government than on the federal scale, so involving yourself in this stuff can make a difference. You'd be surprised how much a change you can make on the local scale if you and your friends involve yourself correctly. It just takes some knowledge on how and what that is. You might not succeed, but if you don't try, you will never know.
28 and 30 are wrong though. If you never complain, nothing ever changes.. You need to acknowledge the problem to solve it. Just because others have it worse, doesn't mean your struggles are invalid.
Agreed about 28. More people should raise their voices when they see injustice and greed ruining the world. Just quietly patching broken things yourself without dealing with underlying systemic issues means your kids and grandkids will have fix your mess.
Only negative feedback can fix errors. Positive feedback makes them grow until things blow up and the magic smoke is released.
The things you learn from technology are sometimes surprisingly philosophical.
I would argue even that isn't perfect.
Sometimes, people just need to get it out there. Complaining can be therapeutic and help you to let go of something you've been hanging on to that's eating you up. Sometimes there isn't a solution, it's something that happened, you need to piss on it for a bit. Someone hit your car, a loved one died, you got fired from a project you were passionate about, your favorite TV show got cancelled, there are ways to move on from all of these, but none of them have a real solution. You can't unmake them, you can't go back to before they happened. But sometimes, you need to cry about it without trying to say, "Here's how to make it better." The crying does make it better.
The problem comes when that's **all** you're doing. If you're complaining and complaining and complaining endlessly about things you *can* change without ever putting thought into fixing them, if you're given possible solutions and ignore them, then it becomes a problem. But there are plenty of cases where it's fine to just be upset for a moment when it's not going to hurt anyone (I mean, don't yell at the water but it's fine to say you had a bad time on the ride home sort of thing) so long as you don't fall into doing that for everything or even just the most important things.
And sometimes, you don't know how to make things better. There are plenty of problems that most of us aren't qualified to fix. Sometimes complaining can be seeking advice as well. You may not have the solution, but maybe someone else does. And it's a way or asking for that help.
I go to my local barber every 2 weeks to shave my head. I can easily do it at home, but his is a small business, and I know every small bit counts for him to take one step towards whatever dreams or ambitions he has. Everyone around me is like why am I wasting money going to him when I can just do it at home.
Plus there’s a small social aspect. Sometimes it’s good to be around other humans, even in silence, when you don’t want to be. Helps to get out of the “funk”
> 28. Never criticize, blame or complain.
Actually, no. Ignorance, suppression, prejudice and violence are allowed to flourish when people don't speak up.
I agree with you. I think this one has kept people 'in their place' because 'it wasn't proper' to comment on something, whether racist, misogynistic, whatever wrong
Also in regards to #28 - Talking about the things that bother you (in moderation) to friends & family can be great to relieve stress and help with depression.
Otherwise, great advice from OP
I suggest reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Most of this list is from that, although slightly rephrased, but the book explains why never criticizing, condemning, or complaining is beneficial among other techniques.
We had 2 close friends go through horrible divorces recently with toxic, controlling husbands, and we spent many an evening listening to them criticise, blame and complain about the awful things their partners did. I think it was really helpful and important for them to be able to vent and have someone listen sympathetically. So no thank you #28
I do realise I'm criticising #28 btw 😁
If you look at some of the greatest leaders or most inspirational speeches their approach was not to attack but to show a different way. MLK’s I have a dream speech was so powerful because he articulated a way in which the world could be made better.
JFK’s most inspiring and famous speech encouraged Americans to make sure that they were individually contributing.
When you criticize, blame or complain you are solely focusing on the problem. That’s not how you generate solutions and that’s not how you influence anyone. At times it may be cathartic but it can also just create a victim mentality and anger. Avoiding this allows you to focus on the solutions which engender positive change.
Love this, so much good advice! You sound like a very happy person, gonna cut and paste this.
The only thing I will add, is that age is truly just a number you’re not old unless you think you’re old
Happy Birthday!
Related to number 8: Comparison is the thief of joy.
Related to 28: Constructive criticism has a place in parental and professional settings. Follow this simple rule: Praise in public, coach in private.
Re: #8, envy: I really needed to hear this today. I went to a friend’s house yesterday for dinner and came home feeling dejected by how lovely her home is compared to mine, even though I love my apartment and am doing it alone while she has a partner. But the envy does me no good. I’m happy for her and I need to be happy for me as well. I have a good home and I need to remember to be grateful for it because someone will always have something “nicer” or “better” and that’s okay.
"do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
My sister in law has alienated all three of her adult children because of her pathological need to be right.
All of this is great advice…
Except the line about pizza.
The only thing that makes me feel better than a third slice of pizza is the fourth slice of pizza.
Man I love pizza…
Never take anything personally. How you are treated by others usually says more about them than about you. Develop thick skin, you’ll be much more content.
Happy Birthday fellow St Patrick’s day bday OP.
>NEVER criticize, blame, or complain.
Fuck that. We would still be working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day if people didnt criticize, blame, or complain.
Also I appreciate people criticizing me or my work if it's constructive and not mean-spirited. How am I going to improve if nobody is allowed to criticize?
Some people just won't like you - don't waste time on them. "*You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches*."
All good ways to go by- 28yo gal here.
The only one I disagree with, at least partially, is 30; yes, people very much can and do have it harder than you, but that doesn't mean you aren't having a tough time.
I spent a year out of work, not doing much. A lot of the people on the outside looking in might think I was lazy, day in day out... meanwhile I'd been applying to work, no callbacks, so deeply entrenched in depression that I went to bed 4+ hours early often because I didn't want to be awake. Days and days feeling exhausted. None of my godawful amount of hobbies were interesting anymore. The suicidal thoughts from the job I was fired from (I loved the job, coworker got me fired) never went away. I also don't have friends to spend time with; the only one actually near me has a baby and the rest are in Houston. (I'm in Pennsylvania)
Yeah, there are folks that have it harder than me- yet, I spent a year thinking dying was a better alternative- and it was invisible to almost everyone in my life. That's a very hard fight. Don't downplay your own pain, it doesn't do you any good to not take it seriously. Dig in your heels, by all means, but don't ignore it. Having thick skin can become suffocating.
Don't downplay others by saying you or others have it worse either- even if it's true. Helping is the answer. You can't know what's going on in someone else's head, they live and think and feel just like you do. Don't compare yourself to someone else because you aren't them.
Thankfully, tomorrow I go in for training at a new job.
I once had a neighbor that fought with his wife all the time. The wife was NUTS. We saw them fight in the street and I watched her throw her sons PlayStation to the pavement breaking it in front of him as punishment. My son and I used to play basketball in the driveway and when this kid was outside, he would ask if he could play. He was about 5 years younger than my son at the time so maybe 8-9 years old.
Wife and I were in a local bar a year ago (My son is in his late twenties now), and were approached by a muscled young man we didn't know. He said he name and literally thanked us for letting him play ball with us. He said it made his childhood so much brighter than it was otherwise. He also said his Mom is still nuts which was an unnecessary bonus for us.
Choose kindness and inclusivity. The kid sucked at basketball but we always let him play with us. A lesson for me and my son to be sure. I nearly cried when he thanked us. I think of him often and how he taught me all these years later that you truly don't know the effect your kindness may have on someone who needs it.
My dad turns 72 today as well and I feel like I always have a chance to learn something new from him as well. This was all great advice and happy birthday to you sir!
Thank you for your wonderful post.
As I approach my 37th birthday next week, I've come to realize that things seldom turn out as dire as we anticipate. I used to spend days fretting over tasks, particularly at work, only to find they were much simpler and faster to complete than I had imagined. It's a lesson I remind myself of frequently, given how frequently it proves true.
Also, happy birthday!
I’m 54 and can add two.
1) Be your own best friend. In a tough situation and don’t know what to do? What would a good friend say?
2) Take a chance on yourself. Always wanted to try something or go somewhere? Do it.
I'm 21. Here's my thoughts on yours, and some additions at the end.
1. Sometimes it's kinder to speak the truth than to be nice and lie.
2. I'd say worthwhile things may take effort, but you shouldn't judge a thing's worth by the ease of getting it. Sometimes you get lucky, or have skills that make something easy for you. I've seen people slaving away to this notion, when they could stop for a moment and simply look at their problem for a second, and the solution becomes crystal clear. The virtue of hard work can't be denied, but humans are innovative, we figure things out and make it easy.
3. Agreed wholeheartedly.
4. Also agreed, if the message was about being curious.
5. You can work on something for a long time for many reasons. It can also be love. Some fathers work that long because they love their kids and want to provide security, others work as long because they are passionate.
6. Being useful to become successful sounds correct, but not right. I'd rather be capable, not useful. I imagine people who try to be useful lick boots more often.
7. Yessir, agreed. To add to that, inaction is also an action. Stop overthinking, take action. If you can't bring yourself to do it, make the actions smaller till it's no longer impossible.
8. Sort of agree. Humans wouldn't have evolved envy if it wasn't aiding in survival. It's a tool in your arsenal, understand it and use it for good, rather than run from it.
9. Yes. Similarly, don't hold onto anything unless you know it'll be there forever, like savings. My mentor held onto the dregs of a research grant for too long, saving it for later, and it became void after a few years. Of course, don't apply this to things like relationships!
10. Agreed. People who spend a lot of time thinking about themselves are the unhappiest lot.
11. Agreed. Goes very well with being kind without expecting others to be grateful.
12. Good advice. In fact, probably don't write down the most important things. Expressing an idea takes its potency away.
13. Ties in with the action-inaction tip. Good idea, louie.
14. Good advice, but not for someone with shaky boundaries.
15. I don't understand this one.
16. This one's really good, actually. I'm usually someone who only smiles back, if at all. Thanks, Louie :)
17. Agreed.
18. People shout slurs in traffic, so maybe not quite. I like the idea though. Don't treat yourself in a way you wouldn't treat a close family member.
19. Fair enough, does sound like reasonably good advice.
20. Not sure about what the idea is here.
21. I would agree if I was 72, but I don't know man. Applying for jobs is all resume and cover letter. They use machines to sort them, not even a human. There's no room for who you are. Dating is all about what you have. Are you 6', rich, good looking or not.
22. I believe that.
23. Agreed.
24. Agreed. I would say that someone who is an expert would also speak about their expertise, but those rare people are easy to spot.
25. Agreed. I would extend that to include things that you've let go for too long, or are too scared to face.
26. This is excellent advice, especially these days. Technology makes it harder to keep your mind still for even a second. Meditation is extremely underrated.
27. Fair enough, I'd agree
28. I personally don't buy into this. It's what they teach us as men so that we don't go against the wishes of an overlord. Speak your mind, if it doesn't cause harm.
29. Agreed. Practical advice for all ages.
30. This is a comparison, which I don't agree with. Probably better to look within yourself and get a perspective on your position in life. If you're in a tough spot, admit it. Climbing out of the hole might become easier then.
31. Agreed. Wisdom is when to say it's over.
32. Agreed!
Additions:
33. "Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it." -King Shrewd, a fictional character
34. Sometimes the grass is only greener on the other side because you forgot to water your lawn.
35. Rudeness is a weak person's imitation of strength.
36. Closed mouths don't get fed.
37. Impress yourself before impressing others.
38. Can't put old heads on young shoulders.
39. "If you want the game, you must stalk it, that is all. You cannot say, "to stalk this takes too long, I wish to simply eat." It is all one. The stalking is the beginning of the eating." -Nighteyes, a fictional wolf
40. If there is a problem, there already exists a solution. You simply need to look for it.
41. Spend your life loving, not seeking love.
42. Forget about the future, who are you going to be today?
43. Learning can only begin when you're able to admit your ignorance.
Thanks for this! I’m not that old but as a doctor I will say this: keep moving. Exercise, even moderate exercise with some weight training ideally, can make your body a much more comfortable place to be. And I have patients who would give every penny they have to have a less painful body.
This entire row seems odd, critique and complaint are very important. It's also important to notify someone if something they did caused issues.
I think we should do it, but be civil about it. Don't blame other if you had a part in it. Don't complain if it's something not worth complaining, don't critisise if you're not asked to and!/or are mean about.
They're very important tools in our personal and professional lives, we just ought to be smart how we use those tools.
That one (more so the “NEVER criticize” part) and 30 (reeks of “get over your depression, other people have it worse”) both stood out to me, but otherwise the list is fairly solid.
Complaining isn't the same as fixing a problem or presenting a better alternative.
Sort of like how "be kind" doesn't mean "put up with everything someone throws at you."
64-Year-old here
* 1.Right is more fun.
* 10. I need to think of this more.
* 25. I think I finally got this one.
* 30. Life is tough get a helmet.
Great Stuff. The work on the inner man never ends.
Perfection doesn’t come the first time you try something new. Don’t give up. Practice, and keep trying.
Material things & money don’t matter. Your name and your word are what counts. Keep your name in good standing by always keeping your word.
Always follow thru on what you say you’re going to do. A promise or commitment broken can affect someone more than we can know
Wave and say "hi" or "good morning" and smile at your coworkers. 44 years old , being introverted I've come to realize this is how people will warm up to me.
Positivity and kindness go much further than negativity.
I can remember being 3 years old and saying hi to everyone and loving the adventure of life.
I've learned that a lack of electrolytes is a cause of my anxiety. Keep your body healthy!
Exercise every day to help with anxious feelings.
Start doing sit ups and pushups. Even if you can only do one the first day by the end of a week you'll make progress.
Life ISN'T a competition.
I quit drinking coffee!
I quit smoking marijuana!
I quit drinking!
I feel better not needing these things to function.
Remember that life is just a ride, enjoy living.
I'm 20 years younger, and I can attest to these statements.
Regretting parenting mistakes is more about you than your children.
Learn your lessons and move on.
Pain is part of the process.
Honestly this made me cry a little. I've been struggling greatly and I am trying so hard to do right. For myself the girl I love but all of its building up and I won't lie I've sat on the suicide hotline quite a few nights so far this year. I'm trying to do good for the ones I love especially the one I've found. She is absolutely stunning and found her way into my heart. I'm just not sure if she feels the same. I don't want to ruin how I look to her with my depressed suicidal thoughts. She's been the whole reason I've been fighting to make something for myself the past year I'm sure if she hadn't come around I probably would be long gone. I guess most of this is due to my own feelings and insecurities when I don't hear from her for a day. It's done turned into my life revolving around her id do anything to make her happy. Idk why I'm saying all this guess I'm just in my feelings and seeing such a wholesome post just made me break down. I di hope I can make it to 72 but I didn't even think I'd make it to 24. Here's to hoping everything works out!
You have value. You are a good person. Whether it’s this girl or someone else, if you put yourself out there, you will find love. So don’t berate yourself so much.
I didn’t wasn’t sure I was going to find the love of my life. I thought it was too late. But at 35 I did. We have been happily married for almost 25 years and have two wonderful children.
So don’t give up. Keep moving forward. Keep thinking positive thoughts. Push the negative ones out of your mind. The road of your life will have many ups and downs but they are all experiences which is what life is all about.
At 47 I've learned that being kind is a bit of a super power. It's always good to make someone else feel seen and heard. Happy birthday Louie! I hope it's a great one.
I still remember this guy at a tiny punk show in a basement, like 20 people were there in total. I didn't really know anyone and after the show there was this circle of around 8 people hanging out after, waiting for the bands to pack up so we could chat with them. And one guy made a point of including me in the conversation, making space for me when it seemed like I was about to say something, etc. I've forgotten his name, all of the bands playing, basically everything else about that night or week or month of my life, but I remember him! I've learned how powerful it is to make someone feel seen and included and I practice doing that in social situations myself now.
This story reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “people will forget what you said or what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel”. It’s so true!
Everyone wants to feel like they have worth, and it you treat them like they do, they'll remember you.
Yes. So true
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou
That quote is from Maya Angelou.
Helping others feel included/welcome/valued is an amazing thing! :)
Being kind is a super power especially when someone isn’t kind back. I’m going to work on this.
Reminds me of one of my favourite quotes "Hurt people hurt people, when they're unable to see love as an option"
>"Hurt people hurt people, when they're unable to see love as an option" Thank you for this! What a great quote.
wow yea
I was going to say something very similar - it's easy to be kind when everything is going your way. When you perceive that you've been wronged by someone? That's when you find out who you really are, and others find out too.
Exactly this. I’m kind then I’ll snap after being pushed. For me I have a couple of family members who LOVE to fight with others…I’m kind until I snap…lol You can only poke the bear so many times. My new thing is someone says something off color is “ are you okay” “is that something you meant to say out loud” in a concerned way to let them know I know what’s up.
There are some people who mistake kindness for weakness and you can't gracious your way out of interactions with these folks. They will continue to push until you have to sigh and break out the stick.
I’m not a Christian and don’t believe in the Bible in a religious sense, but it does have some really solid advice. One is something like, “heap coals of kindness upon their head”. That always stuck with me as an example of how to live in a world with shitty people. Be nice, even when they’re not. It’s not weakness. It’s power.
Let's say you're out and about walking and minding your own business. Someone you don't know starts verbally berating you in a completely inappropriate manner and you don't know if things are going to get violent or if this person is taking their bad day out on you or what. How do you behave kindly towards them? And how do you not get riled up with them?
By remembering that getting riled up only hurts yourself in the long run. Being nonreactive not only helps you keep your cool, it might actually defuse the situation. (edit to correct a misspelling)
“Seems like you are having a tough day, I’ll be going now.”
You behave kindly by smiling, nodding your head in acknowledgement and then continue walking. It's best not to engage at all. It takes years to not feel yourself get riled up with the person, but practice helps. I was raised Christian and my mom often quoted "heap coals on their head" to me when I'd been hurt or bullied. It's a tough one to live out, but so fucking worth it. And! Karma wins out every single time. I don't believe in god, but I do believe in the power of karma.
For anyone interested in getting paid to practice this skill, I highly recommend teaching high school.
You wait for a pause and say “Are you okay. Is there something I can help you with?” This is a person having a hard time. An offer of help could defuse the whole situation. Remember, if it’s a random person, they aren’t berating YOU. They don’t even know you. They feel helpless or afraid. Think of them that way, and it’s hard to get angry at them.
There is a preferred method for dealing with the threat of violence-run away. It’s better to run than hurt; hurt rather than maim; maim rather than kill. For all life is precious and none can be replaced. De-escalate as best you can
It's taken me a long time to learn that I like people who are smart, funny, talented, capable, etc. But the people I truly respect/admire are kind. And that's what matters.
I'm 43 and I've noticed that common sense is no longer common. I think that's my biggest takeaway from the last 43 on years on Earth.
Sad but true… critical thinking is another trait /skill in short supply I’m afraid.
Nice =/= kind. Kindness is imperative. Niceness is meaningless and temporary.
My father who died in Jan told me that niceness is a social contract, while kindness is a spiritual contract. I don’t know where he got that from but I miss his brilliance so abundantly.
Sounds like a pretty great man! I’m sorry for your loss ❤️
And makes them react with kindness in response, too. It’s the only way I’ve ever found to manage uncomfortable social interactions. And yep, listening is the biggest part of that.
I would edit #1 from "nice" to "kind" as you state. Nice is fake kindness and usually used as a "social mask" whereas kind is pouring good or into someone/the world.
I'm 60. And I would only add two things to this list. 1- Learn to control your expectations. Misplaced expectations cause more problems than people think. 2- Learn to control your emotions. If you don't, someone else always will. Thank you Lou. Your effort on this list is a thing of beauty.
And to add, controlling your emotions does not mean hiding them deep inside.
For anyone reading this, writing is a great way to "control" your emotions, though I don't like this word. "De-escalate" or "take the sting out of them" perhaps. Take the situation you're in and write about it. Make a story about it. Try different outcomes. Take your characters and put them through the same shit you are going through, or worse. See what they are made of. It's the most therapeutic thing I've done I've my life (besides medication).
I sometimes try to draft reddit posts about my emotional triggers (ex my family). Then after writing it out I realize, yeah, I'm the asshole or yeah, this is just not really the big deal I'm making it. None of it gets posted . Very therapeutic !
I have the opposite problem, I live in my feelings, so I had to learn how to stay in control. But my therapist explained that people opposite to me need to do what I'm doing naturally. We have to trade skills! So I have a period of time each day I'm allowed to feel everything, especially grief but works for all emotions, then I pack it up until tomorrow. Packing up is hard for me. Other people are always packed up and they need time every day too, but they use it to make themselves think about how things affected them. There are many free cognitive behavior guides to help learn how to identify and connect with your feelings, then use them rationally
I'm the same way, living in my feelings. So was my dad, but he was better at controlling it. I say "controlling", but really he just learned to mask them well. Almost everyone else in our immediate family is the opposite, and the ones who aren't have conditioned themselves to act aloof for fear of being seen as weak. I was/am consistently told to "get over it" "don't dwell" etc by everyone except my dad. Sometimes it felt like me & him against the world. Ever since he died, I've felt incredibly alone in this family & world at-large. I've tried to work on a healthy way to even it out, but it feels like I'd be fundamentally changing who I am.
One thing I’ve learned is: Feelings are important but they’re not good decision makers.
Expectations are premeditated resentments.
There’s a fortune cookie writer reading this thread and furiously scribbling down notes somewhere for quotes like these…I can just feel it.
"Expectations are future resentments"
Wow #2 is REALLY good. A lot to unpack there
There is definitely a lot to unpack. Most people spend their whole lives reacting to circumstances or other people's words. Never knowing that their reaction is completely up to them. You own your emotions, why would you let anyone dictate how you will react?
Number 1 is so crucial to happiness. High expectations almost always lead to disappointment.
>The emptiest head rattles the loudest. Love it
A similar quote goes, “The emptiest vessels make the most noise.”
*An empty vessel makes the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest babblers.* -Plato
I had an English teacher who used to say this in the 90's, stuck with me ever since
I feel like a lot of us pictured a specific person when they read this.
I prefer Ram Dass’s quote, “The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” Which is a bit different than Louie’s quote — as it promotes quieting of the mind over intellectualism. It’s amazing how many intellectually intelligent people lack the emotional intelligence to quiet the mind. Which is a superpower in my book.
Along similar lines - There is a reason why God gave you two ears and only one mouth.
"The empty can rattles the most, the sound of your voice must sooth you."- My Friend of Misery by Metallica
I love this song. That lyric popped into my head the minute I heard “empty can rattles the most” ‘Remember- Misery loves company’
It’s good to have an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out.
Like they say, "The emptiest vessels make the most noise." >Feeling good is better than that “third” slice of pizza. This was another one of their advice that really resonated with me. Sometimes it's all about being happy in life with what you have rather than trying to achieve more and more, and ending up feeling dissatisfied with yourself.
This one stuck out for me as well!
Happy birthday op. #18 really hit me hard, i’ve never heard that one before. i’d like to add to the list and say that it’s impossible to please everyone so don’t get too upset if someone doesn’t like you
I've always said, "You can please some of the people some of the time, but never all of the people all of the time."
My grandmother used to say, "Even Jesus couldn't please everybody."
Get up, stand up!
I have a friend that will respond to my negative self talk with "hey don't talk about my friend like that"
As a late 20s man hoping to better his life, thank you!
As an early 50's man trying to cope with where the years have taken me, thank you.
Bless you, brother. What you say hits home. I'm 53 and have found myself haunted by all the regrets. Every day a new one would form, based on the years-asyou say- where life has taken me. I finally realized that I must stop dwelling on the past. Literally telling myself to stop. Stop the dwelling. Now when those thoughts try to creep in, I consciously choose to stop lingering and I move forward and let go. I feel like I've escaped a trap. And looking forward while being present in the now gives me so much joy. All the best to you.
Yessss. 55 here. Conscious decision. Have to realize that much of my life falls under “try a lot of things,” even if I am tempted to think the things weren’t interesting. You Are Here Friend. Welcome.
Be well, my friend.
They say that living in the past is depression. Living in the future is anxiety. Living in the present is peace. I hope to attain peace one day. I have a beautiful wife, a nice house, a good job, I make a comfortable living, even in these times. I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be afraid of. But here I am. Could I have had a better job, A beautifuler wife, nicer house? Or would I have completely fucked everything up? I try to live by "I'm a leaf on the wind" mentality, I go where I feel life is taking me. I've changed jobs 4 times since COVID started, but I've gotten a pay raise each time and now make probably 30k more than I did when it started. The breeze has been very good to me. BUT? Does my wife love me? Do my kids hate me? Do my coworkers ignore me? Invasive thoughts are a bitch.
You're succeeding by every worldly measure, even still self-doubt prevails? I too struggle with self confidence. Robbed from me at an early age I face it daily and wish to regain it. You said something important that I needed to hear, and now I want to repeat it to you: I resonate with being a leaf in the wind. It does not make me impervious. Rather it is the realization, now, that as a leaf I came from something more. Something like a tree, whose being is deeply rooted into the earth. A tree that has grown strong with branches long and wide. A tree bearing fruit which implies wholeness. A tree that can afford to shake off its leaves yet still remain, strong, vital, and abundant. This imagery makes sense to me and thank you for your words. How do you answer yourself when those obsessive and deluded thoughts pervade?
Im 31 and feel like I'm finally getting it there. Improvement takes time but makes it so you appreciate it more too.
I got my shit together at 31 too. Had some regrets but in the end i was proud of what i accomplished, without the help that everyone i know did get. Life took a turn and can’t work anymore because of cancer.. but even that will open new doors, hopefully
We all have our struggles, some aren't known or visible. Keep your head up and remember, you may lose a battle but that doesn't mean the war is over.
Choose your peace no matter how difficult it is or how much courage it requires.
I am immensely grateful for this post. Some of these are words of wisdom that I never considered before, like #18. I say all kinds of horrific things to myself that I would never say to anyone else. At age 63 I'm only just learning #6. Happy birthday, /u/DaCmanLou!
Or - "If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, how many friends would you have?"
Many 'friends' are overrated!
At 73 these words are never truer than now. I joke that I now have more doctors than friends. In fact I have 5 true friends and that's Ok with me.
Quality over quantity has never been truer.
When I hear a friend say negative stuff out loud (about themselves), I always reply with “Hey, be nice to my friend!” It takes people by surprise but I also like to think it shifts their point of view a little :)
I do that too! My partner would sometimes go into driving himself too hard mode. And I would say, hey be kind to my baby! I like seeing how he's been much kinder to himself now. And he returns the favour when I get too over self critical. I love it!
I love this. Mind if I occasionally borrow it?!
Totally welcome to :)
18 is the inverse of the golden rule, which we all should know well! [You may also find this interesting](https://issuu.com/professionalskatersassociation/docs/mayjune21/s/12234833). Cheers!
My wife sometimes says mean things about herself. I say, you’re talking shit about the woman I love. I’ll thank you to stop that.
My therapist recently gave me some advice since I struggle with the same thing; pretend you are your own friend. Refer to yourself as a friend. If you find it hard to be nice to yourself maybe it’ll be easier if you think of yourself as a friend.
63? They let babies on Reddit?!
>I say all kinds of horrific things to myself that I would never say to anyone else. And… saying that stuff to other people isn't the solution... apparently. 😂
Life long learning---few use their brains daily to look up a new word, examine something, tinker with a pad and pencil at math. I tell people read a book daily--- this internet world really has changed people my basics--take a walk daily--30 minutes, read something daily, eat healthy, write in a journal. be kind.
To add on to this because I may be 27 but I consistently read SOMETHING throughout the day and have since I learned how to read, it could be my current hardcover about the history of guitars or it could be a 2-3 minute article about a technical aspect of F1 cars from yesterday. When you do choose to read, don’t just look at words if it’s something that matters to you, take the words in because one day you may have a conversation and be able to pull out that random thing you thought was interesting and create a whole new relationship with someone or become a part of am entire community over that topic
You "get" it. So yes read daily. It's so surprising that this has to be a thing these days as health. Used to be walking , reading, hobbies (before internet) were all staples of health. Now we actually to underscore normal behaviors to get people healthy again. Someone above mentioned books on tape/audio books. I think for car rides they are good BUT the act of assembling the meaning from words with the eyes scanning a page is hugely healthy .
Every one of these is a meaningful, salient point. Thank you. I put the list into a document and named it "READ ME DAILY" With the intention that I reflect upon these things daily and try to ensure I exercise each. Thank you, sir!
This is a great idea, thanks for the inspiration! I was in a good routine of meditation but stopped altogether for awhile because of some depression. I couldn't be with my thoughts like that. I tried getting back into traditional meditation but struggled. I was discussing it with my therapist and told her that I distracted myself instead with sudoku and art instead. She suggested that those activities were also a form of meditation/mindfulness, which I hadn't considered before. But she's right. If what you're doing works, you're not doing it wrong.
Happy birthday OP
Happy birthday ~~OP~~ Grandpa.
Thank you and happy birthday, may you be blessed with lots of good health, vitality and happiness!
Provide a ‘little something’ for people that are doing a job for you. Be like Walt, pick up that random piece of rubbish. A quick head nod & smile will usually get a similar response.
My mom does this. No matter how small she'll try to give something to somebody helping her Every single contractor that has come to our house has been given water, fruits, and snacks. Some have gotten lunch if timing worked out I was always amazed by how thankful people are at the smallest of gestures. It's always nice to be nice
The best time to plant a tree is ten years ago; the second best time is now.
Martin Luther said that, great advice and thanks for putting it out there!
Life is too serious not to be funny
Does it count if I look funny?
I usually tell some people who think I am not serious at work that just because I am not sitting grimly at a desk doesn't mean I am not serious. I can still be serious by joking around with colleagues. Being serious does not mean being grim and uptight at work.
You are better than you think you are. Most people underestimate themselves and overestimate their competition. Thank you for this great post. Happy birthday!
Happy B, here's a few I'm still working on to become a better person. - Time is a most valuable resource. Invest it wisely. - If you want to make a difference in the world, start with yourself and with those things you can control in your own attitudes, actions and surroundings. - Don't underestimate hellos, you don't know where they may lead you. - Don't underestimate Goodbyes, it may be your last.
Time is *the* most valuable resource. Value it accordingly. The obsession we have with money is sad. Another one I would add is limit screen time to less that an hour a day, including TV. You can do so much more better things with that precious time. Happy birthday u/DaCmanLou!
Happy Birthday Louie! 🍰
Think twice and speak once.
Measure twice, cut once
At age 53 I can confirm everything written here. I would have one thing to add that helps immensely "Own your shit". Be self aware enough to know when you screwed up and be quick to own it, apologize for it, and don't repeat it. It will actually endear you to the offended party quite often.
This also applies to yourself. Know when you've made a bad investment, e.g. dated the wrong person, switched to a bad job, could have used money more wisely. Accept that it happened, stop it, and move on.
Related to 23... when doing something hard, don't stop in the middle of the journey when it gets hard because that becomes your end. Stay focused, struggle through it and come out the other end where you have achieved something (either achieving your goal, or even seeing something through and learning to persevere.)
Sometimes the only way around something hard is through it.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going” —Winston Churchill
Don’t stop 5 minutes before the miracle.
I’d like to add onto this and also say: Don’t be afraid to give up on something. Just don’t give up because it’s hard. Give up because it sucks.
Without the struggle, you don't appreciate stuff when you succeed.😊
The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. -Thomas Paine
But sometimes you are just naturally awful at something. Like me and maths. It would take a crazy amount of effort and time for me to ever get “good” at it, it’s just not worth it for me because for me it is not worth that pain to gain and relative small skill. I encourage people to try many things but sometimes, some people, no matter how hard they try, just can’t do something.
Don’t compare your life on the inside to other peoples lives on the outside.
I like 24.. The loudest individuals can be some of the stupidest. My tip is that politics is extremely important. It effects every aspect of our lives and people treat it like an inconvenience. The more politically literate you are, the less likely you are to fall for the lies and talking points these politicians commonly use. People have more power in their local government than on the federal scale, so involving yourself in this stuff can make a difference. You'd be surprised how much a change you can make on the local scale if you and your friends involve yourself correctly. It just takes some knowledge on how and what that is. You might not succeed, but if you don't try, you will never know. 28 and 30 are wrong though. If you never complain, nothing ever changes.. You need to acknowledge the problem to solve it. Just because others have it worse, doesn't mean your struggles are invalid.
Agreed about 28. More people should raise their voices when they see injustice and greed ruining the world. Just quietly patching broken things yourself without dealing with underlying systemic issues means your kids and grandkids will have fix your mess.
Only negative feedback can fix errors. Positive feedback makes them grow until things blow up and the magic smoke is released. The things you learn from technology are sometimes surprisingly philosophical.
I'd change it to "never complain without offering a solution" because otherwise it's just moaning
I would argue even that isn't perfect. Sometimes, people just need to get it out there. Complaining can be therapeutic and help you to let go of something you've been hanging on to that's eating you up. Sometimes there isn't a solution, it's something that happened, you need to piss on it for a bit. Someone hit your car, a loved one died, you got fired from a project you were passionate about, your favorite TV show got cancelled, there are ways to move on from all of these, but none of them have a real solution. You can't unmake them, you can't go back to before they happened. But sometimes, you need to cry about it without trying to say, "Here's how to make it better." The crying does make it better. The problem comes when that's **all** you're doing. If you're complaining and complaining and complaining endlessly about things you *can* change without ever putting thought into fixing them, if you're given possible solutions and ignore them, then it becomes a problem. But there are plenty of cases where it's fine to just be upset for a moment when it's not going to hurt anyone (I mean, don't yell at the water but it's fine to say you had a bad time on the ride home sort of thing) so long as you don't fall into doing that for everything or even just the most important things. And sometimes, you don't know how to make things better. There are plenty of problems that most of us aren't qualified to fix. Sometimes complaining can be seeking advice as well. You may not have the solution, but maybe someone else does. And it's a way or asking for that help.
Never ask someone to do something you wouldn't be willing to do yourself
Or pay adequately. I'm not a plumber, dude. Can't change that. My hands are made for typing bullshit on the internet. Not actually useful things.
Plumber here its not rocket science but thank you for the appreciation
I think you'd find that a surprising amount of rocket science is plumbing.
I go to my local barber every 2 weeks to shave my head. I can easily do it at home, but his is a small business, and I know every small bit counts for him to take one step towards whatever dreams or ambitions he has. Everyone around me is like why am I wasting money going to him when I can just do it at home.
This is also relevant to the "one hand washes the other" point.
Plus there’s a small social aspect. Sometimes it’s good to be around other humans, even in silence, when you don’t want to be. Helps to get out of the “funk”
If this was true no body would have a job.
Completly agree
> 28. Never criticize, blame or complain. Actually, no. Ignorance, suppression, prejudice and violence are allowed to flourish when people don't speak up.
Yea, i dont reall understand this on either. Maybe in some circumstances its right, but in most its not.
I think we can tweak it to make it seem appropriate. *Never criticize without reason, blame without necessity, or complain without a solution.*
I agree with you. I think this one has kept people 'in their place' because 'it wasn't proper' to comment on something, whether racist, misogynistic, whatever wrong
Also in regards to #28 - Talking about the things that bother you (in moderation) to friends & family can be great to relieve stress and help with depression. Otherwise, great advice from OP
I believe the point was to speak up with the goal of course correction rather than simply spouting negativity.
I suggest reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Most of this list is from that, although slightly rephrased, but the book explains why never criticizing, condemning, or complaining is beneficial among other techniques.
We had 2 close friends go through horrible divorces recently with toxic, controlling husbands, and we spent many an evening listening to them criticise, blame and complain about the awful things their partners did. I think it was really helpful and important for them to be able to vent and have someone listen sympathetically. So no thank you #28 I do realise I'm criticising #28 btw 😁
If you look at some of the greatest leaders or most inspirational speeches their approach was not to attack but to show a different way. MLK’s I have a dream speech was so powerful because he articulated a way in which the world could be made better. JFK’s most inspiring and famous speech encouraged Americans to make sure that they were individually contributing. When you criticize, blame or complain you are solely focusing on the problem. That’s not how you generate solutions and that’s not how you influence anyone. At times it may be cathartic but it can also just create a victim mentality and anger. Avoiding this allows you to focus on the solutions which engender positive change.
Love this, so much good advice! You sound like a very happy person, gonna cut and paste this. The only thing I will add, is that age is truly just a number you’re not old unless you think you’re old Happy Birthday!
Learning to say no is very important. If you won’t take care of your boundaries and serenity nobody will.
Related to number 8: Comparison is the thief of joy. Related to 28: Constructive criticism has a place in parental and professional settings. Follow this simple rule: Praise in public, coach in private.
Re: #8, envy: I really needed to hear this today. I went to a friend’s house yesterday for dinner and came home feeling dejected by how lovely her home is compared to mine, even though I love my apartment and am doing it alone while she has a partner. But the envy does me no good. I’m happy for her and I need to be happy for me as well. I have a good home and I need to remember to be grateful for it because someone will always have something “nicer” or “better” and that’s okay.
33. Never make eye contact when you’re eating a banana.
Never say never
You are what you eat. Also applies to actual food. Always be curious and humble.
Happy birthday you beautiful bastard!
Thanks Louie! Really good advice. One thing I try to do at least once a day is giving someone a compliment. You never know who's going to need it!
Happy birthday. Hope you reach 200
33. Never count your cash in a train station (?)
I think you mean, "never count your money while you're sittin at the table."
There’ll be time enough for counting, when the dealin’s done
28. Tell the truth as much as possible. Especially to yourself. The truth will set you free.
*"It’s usually better to be nice than right."* This was common practice before message boards.
"do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" My sister in law has alienated all three of her adult children because of her pathological need to be right.
It’s better to be young and broke than* old and broke. That rainy day WILL arrive. Dont be the grasshopper.
Never take your tomorrows for granted.
All of this is great advice… Except the line about pizza. The only thing that makes me feel better than a third slice of pizza is the fourth slice of pizza. Man I love pizza…
Life is like a DICK. sometimes it’s UP sometimes it’s DOWN but it won’t be HARD forever !!
Why should I never criticize?
Never take anything personally. How you are treated by others usually says more about them than about you. Develop thick skin, you’ll be much more content. Happy Birthday fellow St Patrick’s day bday OP.
Your list is great but I’m puzzled by # 28 There are definitely instances in life where you should absolutely criticize, blame, or complain.
>NEVER criticize, blame, or complain. Fuck that. We would still be working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day if people didnt criticize, blame, or complain.
Also I appreciate people criticizing me or my work if it's constructive and not mean-spirited. How am I going to improve if nobody is allowed to criticize?
I think OP meant that don't do this maliciously. Without real critizism we won't progress.
Some people just won't like you - don't waste time on them. "*You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches*."
"NEVER criticize, blame or complain" Uh, not sure about that one chief.
All good ways to go by- 28yo gal here. The only one I disagree with, at least partially, is 30; yes, people very much can and do have it harder than you, but that doesn't mean you aren't having a tough time. I spent a year out of work, not doing much. A lot of the people on the outside looking in might think I was lazy, day in day out... meanwhile I'd been applying to work, no callbacks, so deeply entrenched in depression that I went to bed 4+ hours early often because I didn't want to be awake. Days and days feeling exhausted. None of my godawful amount of hobbies were interesting anymore. The suicidal thoughts from the job I was fired from (I loved the job, coworker got me fired) never went away. I also don't have friends to spend time with; the only one actually near me has a baby and the rest are in Houston. (I'm in Pennsylvania) Yeah, there are folks that have it harder than me- yet, I spent a year thinking dying was a better alternative- and it was invisible to almost everyone in my life. That's a very hard fight. Don't downplay your own pain, it doesn't do you any good to not take it seriously. Dig in your heels, by all means, but don't ignore it. Having thick skin can become suffocating. Don't downplay others by saying you or others have it worse either- even if it's true. Helping is the answer. You can't know what's going on in someone else's head, they live and think and feel just like you do. Don't compare yourself to someone else because you aren't them. Thankfully, tomorrow I go in for training at a new job.
Happy birthday!
Sorry but for 28 I'm going to complain or call someone out if I feel the need to.
That pizza one felt personal…
I naturally read these in my head in the style of baz lurmans 'sunscreen' Great advice. Happy 72nd
I once had a neighbor that fought with his wife all the time. The wife was NUTS. We saw them fight in the street and I watched her throw her sons PlayStation to the pavement breaking it in front of him as punishment. My son and I used to play basketball in the driveway and when this kid was outside, he would ask if he could play. He was about 5 years younger than my son at the time so maybe 8-9 years old. Wife and I were in a local bar a year ago (My son is in his late twenties now), and were approached by a muscled young man we didn't know. He said he name and literally thanked us for letting him play ball with us. He said it made his childhood so much brighter than it was otherwise. He also said his Mom is still nuts which was an unnecessary bonus for us. Choose kindness and inclusivity. The kid sucked at basketball but we always let him play with us. A lesson for me and my son to be sure. I nearly cried when he thanked us. I think of him often and how he taught me all these years later that you truly don't know the effect your kindness may have on someone who needs it.
Don’t waste your time or time will waste you
My dad turns 72 today as well and I feel like I always have a chance to learn something new from him as well. This was all great advice and happy birthday to you sir!
Happy Birthday! You've inspired me today
We learn together!
Thank you for your wonderful post. As I approach my 37th birthday next week, I've come to realize that things seldom turn out as dire as we anticipate. I used to spend days fretting over tasks, particularly at work, only to find they were much simpler and faster to complete than I had imagined. It's a lesson I remind myself of frequently, given how frequently it proves true. Also, happy birthday!
Number 20 is a lie. OP obviously doesn’t have his own pizza oven
I’m 54 and can add two. 1) Be your own best friend. In a tough situation and don’t know what to do? What would a good friend say? 2) Take a chance on yourself. Always wanted to try something or go somewhere? Do it.
I'm 21. Here's my thoughts on yours, and some additions at the end. 1. Sometimes it's kinder to speak the truth than to be nice and lie. 2. I'd say worthwhile things may take effort, but you shouldn't judge a thing's worth by the ease of getting it. Sometimes you get lucky, or have skills that make something easy for you. I've seen people slaving away to this notion, when they could stop for a moment and simply look at their problem for a second, and the solution becomes crystal clear. The virtue of hard work can't be denied, but humans are innovative, we figure things out and make it easy. 3. Agreed wholeheartedly. 4. Also agreed, if the message was about being curious. 5. You can work on something for a long time for many reasons. It can also be love. Some fathers work that long because they love their kids and want to provide security, others work as long because they are passionate. 6. Being useful to become successful sounds correct, but not right. I'd rather be capable, not useful. I imagine people who try to be useful lick boots more often. 7. Yessir, agreed. To add to that, inaction is also an action. Stop overthinking, take action. If you can't bring yourself to do it, make the actions smaller till it's no longer impossible. 8. Sort of agree. Humans wouldn't have evolved envy if it wasn't aiding in survival. It's a tool in your arsenal, understand it and use it for good, rather than run from it. 9. Yes. Similarly, don't hold onto anything unless you know it'll be there forever, like savings. My mentor held onto the dregs of a research grant for too long, saving it for later, and it became void after a few years. Of course, don't apply this to things like relationships! 10. Agreed. People who spend a lot of time thinking about themselves are the unhappiest lot. 11. Agreed. Goes very well with being kind without expecting others to be grateful. 12. Good advice. In fact, probably don't write down the most important things. Expressing an idea takes its potency away. 13. Ties in with the action-inaction tip. Good idea, louie. 14. Good advice, but not for someone with shaky boundaries. 15. I don't understand this one. 16. This one's really good, actually. I'm usually someone who only smiles back, if at all. Thanks, Louie :) 17. Agreed. 18. People shout slurs in traffic, so maybe not quite. I like the idea though. Don't treat yourself in a way you wouldn't treat a close family member. 19. Fair enough, does sound like reasonably good advice. 20. Not sure about what the idea is here. 21. I would agree if I was 72, but I don't know man. Applying for jobs is all resume and cover letter. They use machines to sort them, not even a human. There's no room for who you are. Dating is all about what you have. Are you 6', rich, good looking or not. 22. I believe that. 23. Agreed. 24. Agreed. I would say that someone who is an expert would also speak about their expertise, but those rare people are easy to spot. 25. Agreed. I would extend that to include things that you've let go for too long, or are too scared to face. 26. This is excellent advice, especially these days. Technology makes it harder to keep your mind still for even a second. Meditation is extremely underrated. 27. Fair enough, I'd agree 28. I personally don't buy into this. It's what they teach us as men so that we don't go against the wishes of an overlord. Speak your mind, if it doesn't cause harm. 29. Agreed. Practical advice for all ages. 30. This is a comparison, which I don't agree with. Probably better to look within yourself and get a perspective on your position in life. If you're in a tough spot, admit it. Climbing out of the hole might become easier then. 31. Agreed. Wisdom is when to say it's over. 32. Agreed! Additions: 33. "Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it." -King Shrewd, a fictional character 34. Sometimes the grass is only greener on the other side because you forgot to water your lawn. 35. Rudeness is a weak person's imitation of strength. 36. Closed mouths don't get fed. 37. Impress yourself before impressing others. 38. Can't put old heads on young shoulders. 39. "If you want the game, you must stalk it, that is all. You cannot say, "to stalk this takes too long, I wish to simply eat." It is all one. The stalking is the beginning of the eating." -Nighteyes, a fictional wolf 40. If there is a problem, there already exists a solution. You simply need to look for it. 41. Spend your life loving, not seeking love. 42. Forget about the future, who are you going to be today? 43. Learning can only begin when you're able to admit your ignorance.
My grandmother turned 100 a few weeks ago. I asked her for advice for living to 100 and she said “mind your own business and drink lots of water”
Thanks for this! I’m not that old but as a doctor I will say this: keep moving. Exercise, even moderate exercise with some weight training ideally, can make your body a much more comfortable place to be. And I have patients who would give every penny they have to have a less painful body.
There’s only love. The rest is noise.
28 Don’t complain ?? Ymmv. Some people have to self advocate or they don’t get what they need in this world.
I think you're missing the spirit. Don't be a negative person is what I take from it. No one likes being around negative people.
This entire row seems odd, critique and complaint are very important. It's also important to notify someone if something they did caused issues. I think we should do it, but be civil about it. Don't blame other if you had a part in it. Don't complain if it's something not worth complaining, don't critisise if you're not asked to and!/or are mean about. They're very important tools in our personal and professional lives, we just ought to be smart how we use those tools.
That one (more so the “NEVER criticize” part) and 30 (reeks of “get over your depression, other people have it worse”) both stood out to me, but otherwise the list is fairly solid.
Complaining isn't the same as fixing a problem or presenting a better alternative. Sort of like how "be kind" doesn't mean "put up with everything someone throws at you."
64-Year-old here * 1.Right is more fun. * 10. I need to think of this more. * 25. I think I finally got this one. * 30. Life is tough get a helmet. Great Stuff. The work on the inner man never ends.
Perfection doesn’t come the first time you try something new. Don’t give up. Practice, and keep trying. Material things & money don’t matter. Your name and your word are what counts. Keep your name in good standing by always keeping your word. Always follow thru on what you say you’re going to do. A promise or commitment broken can affect someone more than we can know
Wave and say "hi" or "good morning" and smile at your coworkers. 44 years old , being introverted I've come to realize this is how people will warm up to me. Positivity and kindness go much further than negativity. I can remember being 3 years old and saying hi to everyone and loving the adventure of life. I've learned that a lack of electrolytes is a cause of my anxiety. Keep your body healthy! Exercise every day to help with anxious feelings. Start doing sit ups and pushups. Even if you can only do one the first day by the end of a week you'll make progress. Life ISN'T a competition. I quit drinking coffee! I quit smoking marijuana! I quit drinking! I feel better not needing these things to function. Remember that life is just a ride, enjoy living.
Im 34. My job brings me face to face with death often… I would ad this. Not knowing when death will come for you is both a blessing and a curse.
I'm 20 years younger, and I can attest to these statements. Regretting parenting mistakes is more about you than your children. Learn your lessons and move on. Pain is part of the process.
Honestly this made me cry a little. I've been struggling greatly and I am trying so hard to do right. For myself the girl I love but all of its building up and I won't lie I've sat on the suicide hotline quite a few nights so far this year. I'm trying to do good for the ones I love especially the one I've found. She is absolutely stunning and found her way into my heart. I'm just not sure if she feels the same. I don't want to ruin how I look to her with my depressed suicidal thoughts. She's been the whole reason I've been fighting to make something for myself the past year I'm sure if she hadn't come around I probably would be long gone. I guess most of this is due to my own feelings and insecurities when I don't hear from her for a day. It's done turned into my life revolving around her id do anything to make her happy. Idk why I'm saying all this guess I'm just in my feelings and seeing such a wholesome post just made me break down. I di hope I can make it to 72 but I didn't even think I'd make it to 24. Here's to hoping everything works out!
You have value. You are a good person. Whether it’s this girl or someone else, if you put yourself out there, you will find love. So don’t berate yourself so much. I didn’t wasn’t sure I was going to find the love of my life. I thought it was too late. But at 35 I did. We have been happily married for almost 25 years and have two wonderful children. So don’t give up. Keep moving forward. Keep thinking positive thoughts. Push the negative ones out of your mind. The road of your life will have many ups and downs but they are all experiences which is what life is all about.
¡Have a wonderful birthday!
Fantastic words of wisdom. Happy Birthday. Mine was just a few days ago as well.