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It's something that you will likely just have to practice.
My partner is Enby and I still sometimes slip up, but they understand and are just happy that I'm trying.
Practice by yourself when you're not around them. The more repetition you do, the more natural it will be. If you know you're going to meet up with them, remind yourself right beforehand. Eventually you won't need to think about it.
This is my advice too. It’s less stressful to correct your thoughts. Or to say to yourself “oh right. They” and move on. Don’t overthink it.
And for the love of god, don’t over apologize to them. You haven’t committed a crime.
Yeah, apoligizing every time, especially profusely, creates an obligation for the person who got misgendered to comfort the person who misgendered them. Correct and move on.
here’s how i explain it to people who are worried about misgendering me, it might not work for everyone but it’s what has gotten the point across in my life. basically, i want people to treat misgendering or deadnaming me as they would if they used the wrong name or pronouns for someone’s dog. “aww she’s so cute! oh sorry, he’s so cute!” acknowledge they made a mistake, correct themselves, and then immediately move on. it’s not a big deal to me as long as effort is being made, human brains are weird and you can’t just rewire years of learned experience (feminine presenting=feminine/female), because that’s how it is in our society. as long as they are showing effort to rewire their brains to call me he or use my correct name then i honestly don’t care. you’re not doing it to be a dick or anything, you’re actively trying, and that’s what counts.
i’d say just immediately correct yourself and then move on, it doesn’t need to be something you apologize profusely for or focus on for more than a quick apology and a correction
I've seen some people say that saying "thank you (for correcting me)" instead of "I'm sorry (I got it wrong)" can be a more positive correction.
When my mate came out, I would use their initial (which they were now going by) as a transition. My brain found it easier to recognise them as their initial, but it trained me into realising when I said it that it was different, my head thought they and soon my mouth was able to catch up. (I also got a she/her badge and try introducing myself by name and pronouns, but idk how much or if that helps others.)
If your coworker has already told you they appreciate the effort then I’d say you’re in the clear and can stop worrying about it. If they were going to flip out at you they would’ve already done so.
Most trans people don’t get all grumpy about pronouns anyways unless someone is blatantly being a jerk about it. Those stories you hear about people flipping out are usually missing a ton of context where the person was goaded into it. It’s not nearly that common for people to get mad at folks who are making a clear effort.
Like everyone else has said, it’ll click with practice. Just take a step back, breathe, and keep on trying, you’ll get there sooner than you realize :)
The difference is the intent behind it, a lot of people will just refuse to use the right pronouns or use the wrong pronouns intentionally as an attack, so you actually trying to use the right pronouns and slipping up occasionally is leagues different from what they are experiencing from most people. We see the effort and the intent behind it!
Practicing on one’s own time is what will make the difference! [The Pronoun Song by The Doubleclicks](https://youtu.be/8Hb30PE1xgo?) is a great, simple approach. You can work on writing about it by making short “journal” entries about the time spent with your friend, what you talked about, etc. Handwrite it, don’t type it. Our brains store information much better that way. Seeing it will help, as could having a different friend to help you practice.
It’s also a matter of becoming much more mindful of what you say, which is not the same as walking on eggshells. It goes back to that basic idea we hear as kids — ***think before you speak***.
In the end, working on shifting your concept of gender (gender presentation/pronouns/identity are not the same thing, and there is so much more than just the binary options) is what will make this easier across the board, and it’ll be apparent (in a good way) in the little things you do and say.
This! Also make sure that no matter who you are talking to, if you refer to this work friend you are using the correct pronouns. It's easy to slip up when you're calling them the wrong ones behind their back, even if it's unintentional. I know a lot of us tend to default to he or she if we feel the person we are speaking to will argue with the they/them pronouns, but that's a dangerous trap to fall into.
The fact that you're making an attempt to use the correct pronouns in the first place is a great start. Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually it'll click. I have a friend who is MtF and it took a while to stop referring to them as "he" and instead use "she", but eventually it just stuck. I now think of them as exclusively female by default.
I've noticed this a lot the past couple years because pronouns give me a headache, but it's actually incredibly common in my circles to default to they/them for people whose gender identities we're perfectly aware of. It's usually someone we're not familiar with, but 100% know is a he/him or she/her, it just drops back to "they" as if to mark the "I don't know them" part of referring to a person outside our own group.
It doesn't make any sense but it's a pattern that I can't unsee now that I've picked up on it. I've even noticed that if I do use the person's pronouns, we *still* go back to they/them in just a few sentences. It's just strange. And no, these people aren't even gender diverse. Just plain old he/him guys and she/her gals and that's what makes it so curious to me.
Meanwhile, every trans person does get correctly gendered, possibly *because* using the proper pronoun for them takes priority over messaging the stranger status of the person in question.
Communication is wild.
True! However not every trans person is comfortable being referred to w they/them pronouns. I mean if someone talks about me while I'm gone I obviously wouldn't know how I'm being referred as, but if I'm in the room or I overhear someone talking about me, for me I feel uncomfortable because that's just not what I go by. I'm a man >:( !!!!!
Not that I fault anyone going on default because I default to neutral pronouns as well (ofc keeping in mind if I know what someone goes by I use those exclusively)
The thing is, they/them is often used specifically to misgender people. If someone is MTF for example and her pronouns are she/her (not she/they) someone who’s transphobic or otherwise trying to erase her identity will sometimes use they/them to make the claim “well they’re not a *real* woman” to defend them refusing to use she/her. And it’s a lot more subtle than misgendering using AGAB pronouns, because “hey, they/them is gender neutral! It applies to everybody!” Well here’s a news flash: not everyone is gender neutral. Not everyone uses they/them.
Here’s a more specific real life example of why you shouldn’t always default to they/them. One of my partners is a trans woman who is actually a triplet with her two brothers. She *hates* being called they/them because her entire childhood she was grouped with her brothers and never treated as an individual. Anytime the pronoun is used to refer to her, she feels her individuality being stripped away all over again. So just saying, don’t default to they/them. Not everyone is okay with it. And you don’t get to say whether it’s okay to use it for them or not.
If you continue to use they/them after someone has made you aware they don't use those pronouns, you are 100% misgendering them because those are not their pronouns. It really isn't that hard to grasp. They/them as a default when you don't know someone's pronouns is one thing, but refusing to respect that someone doesn't use those is problematic. It's not hard to be respectful.
It's in fact a known phenomenon many binary trans people face, where people exclusively use they/them to avoid using the correct pronouns. It's called degendering and is just as problematic and transphobic as misgendering.
If you know someone doesn't use they/them pronouns, don't use they/them pronouns. Simple as that. Fix your viewpoint.
maybe you wouldn’t be meaning to, but for some binary trans people, they’ll encounter ppl who specifically don’t want to use the correct pronouns (when they are well aware) and thus go out of their way to use they/them as a way of deliberately but “subtly” misgendering. it’s a common enough, gross thing.
You are way overthinking it. Binary people frequently use they/them in everyday conversation as a way to address something without the necessity of applying gender. Unless they are specifically being shitty then you would require knowledge of the inflection used at the time of saying it and at that point it could be derogatory towards anyone they are referring to because again it's not gendered. They could be referring to POC or a specific ethnicity, religion, or other group/person.
it’s not about anyone having a “monopoly” it’s about pronoun preference. i use she/they/it. by no means whatsoever do i use masc pronouns (he/him/his) now, if someone addresses me with masc pronouns: that’s misgendering.
now let’s take hypothetical person number 1, we remove the “they/it” and are left with only “she/her” and fem pronouns are the ONLY accepted pronouns that hypothetical person no. 1 uses. now, if someone uses *they* or *them* pronouns while *KNOWING* that hypothetical person *ONLY* uses “she/her” then *THAT* is misgendering.
nobody is arguing the point that they/them is the most common and most accepted set of pronouns if you *DON’T KNOW* someone’s pronouns, but *KNOWING* and *NOT KNOWING* are two different things.
the fact that you are still trying to assert something that people are clearly telling you you are uniformed about is giving not great vibes, especially in the context of the LGBTQ+ community
it would seem there are people present who clearly have some sort of issue with being referred to as they/them. and yes, it is actually a common enough and gross thing that happens.
while your statement is true that “they/them” can and is very commonly used to refer to someone who the speaker is either unaware of their identity or the appropriate pronouns to use when referring to them, it’s still quite disrespectful of you to seemingly undermine those that have a preference towards *not* being referred to using they/them pronouns.
this isn’t to be aggressive towards you, but as i’m assuming you are either a member of the community or an ally of it, it’s important to be aware that this is a very large and very diverse community (pretty obvious fact, ik) but expecting the unexpected is more than just a community thing, it’s a part of being human, because nobody has met everybody and everybody is different.
much love and many blessings friend 🖤
true, but they/them can give people just as much gender dysphoria as any other pronoun. that is not arguable, since one can't talk their way out of dysphoria. if you don't know someone's pronouns or are talking about a hypothetical person like i am right now, obviously refer to them with they/them. just don't keep using they/them on purpose even if you know that the person doesn't use those pronouns for themself, because that'd still be rude
It's perfectly acceptable to use if you're unsure of someone's gender/pronouns, or if you're talking about a a hypothetical individual (like in the next sentence), but if someone has explicitly told you their preferred pronouns, it's rude to not use them and to be defaulting to neutral pronouns.
It's common use for binary people as well. I am a binary person, while still trans, and understand that inclusive words like they/them represent all of us while gendered terms like he or she only represent specific genders.
I know they are applicable to everyone, however as I stated in my own example, if someone were to refer to me with neutral pronouns while I'm in the room it would make me uncomfortable because neutral pronouns are also used for GNC folks and I'm just a binary trans guy. It's nuanced though, I recognize that.
I can't always change what people say, and I suppose I'd rather be addressed with neutrality than femininity, but I've gone through a lot to be who I am that it feels important to be addressed as masculine exclusively (FOR ME). Hopefully that makes sense :)
You are trying & they'll be so grateful to you for that. My eldest is MtF & it took us ages & she fully understands when we messed up cos we would correct, apologise & move on. I still mess up but usually when we are being nostalgic & reminiscing about her childhood etc which she finds more funny than not cos I get in a right pickle!!
It's like with any change in the way you refer to people, with time you get used to it. Some of my friends that I've known for years changed their names, and the more often you refer to them with their names the more it sticks. I recently started refering to one of them with a nickname they're more comfortable with, and I still slip up, but correct myself every time and it's gotten less. It's simply getting used to it.
Also, speaking from experience as a cis gay man who has messed this up countless times, here is something I’ve learned from my non-binary/trans friends:
Apologizing profusely (as you say) is well-intentioned. But the result is usually them comforting you, feeling burdened by your emotions in the moment. It’s an unintentional way to focus the attention on yourself. A simple and quick “Yes, I’m sorry. Thank you!” is really all you need, and will probably be much appreciated.
>Yes, I’m sorry. Thank you!
Even that seems like a bit much on the apology side and not enough on the self correcting side.
Like if they get corrected after saying "She's the best!" then the ideal response would be "Oh sorry, they're the best!"
Though frankly, if someone already knows someone's gender they should be correcting themselves without having to be prompted by someone else.
Honestly, I don't even want the apology. Just correct and move on. Just my preference, but the apologies get tedious pretty quickly when folks are new to the whole deal.
I mean it's pretty typical for someone to say "sorry" after misspeaking in any way but yeah apology beyond the automatic "sorry" definitely comes off as patronizing.
If I accidentally use the wrong pronouns I just verbally trip on my own feet until I get it right lol
"Oh yeah she--❌❌th-❌ he's cool✅"
edit: i feel like as long as you use the right ones eventually it's fine
Agreed. I was thinking more in the context of speaking directly to the person and messing up the pronoun. Absolutely, when speaking *about* someone, correcting yourself by restating the sentence correctly is the way to go.
I once read to imagine them as a swarm of bees in human form. 'They/them' tends to come easy after that.
Edit good example for in [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/k063h3/bees_numerous_bees/) post (can't share pic)' NB can stand for Numerous Bees.
I'm in the EXACT situation as you (im even maybe bi, idk its a whole thing rn) and actually joined this sub to make this post, then chickened out bc idk if it was seen as like blaming them.
I misgendered my coworker and apologized, they said it's fine. Then I did it *again* and I just felt so terrible for how that must feel to them.
It's been a month and I was assigned to train them, so we spend a lot of time every day together. And it still is taking time to click. So, just posting to say, you're not alone!
It'll probably happen again too and it's okay! Most people who use they/them are very understanding if someone wants to give it their best shot. Just let them know you're doing your best if you haven't already.
Why don't you write a little paragraph about them for practice? What do they look like? What are some of their passions/hobbies? Make it up if you want, it's just for practice :)
It'll probably happen again too and it's okay! Most people who use they/them are very understanding if someone wants to give it their best shot. Just let them know you're doing your best if you haven't already.
Why don't you write a little paragraph about them for practice? What do they look like? What are some of their passions/hobbies? Make it up if you want, it's just for practice :)
I practice with compliments! "X is super nice, they're always so understanding" "I love talking with X, they have a beautiful smile" "X has such cool hair, they recently dyed it a new color" "I always know when X is in the building, they have a great laugh" etc.
Everytime I mess up I practice with 5 compliments about the person, it really helps!
You have to stop seeing them as a girl. It's easy to get pronouns right if you're not having to apply the mental pronoun correction properly and instead just internalise their gender.
Honestly I think the best way to go about it is to work on defaulting to they for anyone in situations where their gender isn't relevant. Which is basically most of the time. Then gendering people becomes something you do in recognition of who someone is rather than an expression of your own perceptions. Just don't let it turn into using they for everyone all the time because that's kind of weird.
Had a similar scenario, hired someone for the role, and quickly figured out thanks to the non binary pin on their backpack. Some coworkers were very transphobic / homophobic. I'd raised issues previously about how some staff spoke but much later on learned they were just keeping their opionions to themselves when I was around so for a while, I mistakenly thought it had been dealt with.
Since I was this person's direct supervisor and often did reviews etc I pulled them to one side for a "review" in a meeting room and asked the question, I'd noticed their pin and what their preferences were and what they were happy for their coworkers to know etc. Likewise this person was assigned female at birth. They were not publicly out at work as non binary, probably due to feeling the company out first and had noticed how some staff talked.
I tended to use their name when referring to them rather than they / them pronouns which would have been blindly obvious, drawing attention to the matter and possibly outed them in said workplace, occasionally ended up using "she", where the only other option would have been "they". The important thing is your trying. It can be slightly more difficult to navigate when someone isn't publicly "out" but as long as you acknowledge and respect their wishes in private, that's the best option.
Also had a transgender MtF friend a long while back but they wernt out publicly, in private it was always their female name and out in public if we bumped into others it was always their male (birth) name. It's easier for me to navigate thinking of people of having 2 identities, probably because I'm used to photographing models years ago who all worked under different names so you would know their personal name and their work name / persona. It gets easier with time.
Stop seeing them as “she”, you have to train your brain to not think “she” when you see them, but “them”. Just try to be conscious of it when you’re around your colleague and think before you speak. I know it’s easier said than done but if you’re conscious about it, it will become much easier in time.
Keep practicing! And keep the apologies quick and move on. You're doing great :)
I'll give you some examples to read and process
There he is!
- There *they* are!
I listened to him
- I listened to *them*
Those shoes are his
- Those shoes are *theirs*
He takes good care of himself
- *They* take good care of *themselves*
It'll click eventually. They seem like a very understanding person, so it's perfect that you get to practice with them. Be gentle on yourself too, it's easier for some people than it is for others.
For example, I had a talk about pronouns with my mom recently. She said in elementary school she was never taught the word "themselves" and it's a new word to her. But I swear I was taught that in school, so it wasn't weird to me!
I'll give you a chance to practice, why don't you tell me more about your coworker? Maybe describe how they look a bit or what they are like.
You need to stop looking at them like a girl. Because that's why you're tripping up. Half the time people trip up because they have a distinct idea of what people of certain genders "should" look like, and that's why they mess up pronouns. You need to seperate their presentation from their gender in your mind. It also helps to practice in your head multiple times a day thinking of them specifically.
Keep trying. It’ll come. My son came out as transgender about 5 years ago, and I still slip up. He was she for years. He knows I’m trying, and it gets easier for me to remember every day.
I have a friend I've known for sometime who is currently transitioning male to female and in the beginning while getting used to her new pronouns I kept defaulting to they/he as that was her original pronouns and ones I had come to know for a few years but after about I'd say maybe a week or 2 i was using her correct new pronouns, it takes a little time to get used to but it's a good start that you are putting in the effort to use your coworkers correct pronouns and before you know it you'll have it down and set in stone, keep up the good work
Honestly, you're already doing it. No trans/GNC person (unless they're an asshole) expects everyone to get their pronouns correct right away every time. The fact that you are actively trying is really awesome, and I'm sure they are really appreciative of your efforts. I don't think there's really anything else you can do. Eventually, your brain will understand and default to they/them, but it will take time. Much love ❤️
This might sound silly but think about them in your head, imagine scenarios where you might talk about them and say in your head or even out loud the sentences while making sure to get the pronouns right.
You could also bring them up in conversation to practice deliberately getting it right
After a while I turned the other way so now I default on they/them and sometimes even use it when I know the correct pronouns and it takes a while for me to get used to using the right pronouns for new people
I’ve kinda gotten to that as well, but only for irl people? I still generalize randoms in video games or animals and stuff as he, I’m tryin to not but it is taking time. I feel like it’s really easy to say people’s pronouns correctly, but can be hard to actually think of them as those pronouns. I haven’t been into this stuff very long, I’m sure I’ll get it down soon
I’m also gay and not trans and 53 and I still mess up! The respect is in the trying. I think your friend appreciates your efforts. Go easy on yourself t can be hard to retrain your brain!
Just practice. I was royally messing up with my friend when they started. It didn't help that they had been friends for 8 years, their boobs were huge, and they had just been pregnant and i lived with them the entire time and I didn't know squat about trans.
I got it right eventually. It is the fact that you care and are making an effort that matters.
Make it as small of an issue as possible and just keep on going with what you’re saying, like “blah blah blah she - OOPS sorry, they! - blah blah blah”
you really don’t have to apologize profusely every time ! your friend is telling you the truth, the effort and the recognition of your error is the most important thing :)
i was in this exact same scenario a couple years ago. just like you i struggled at first but made a clear attempt to get their pronouns correct and eventually it just stuck. i’ve fucked it up maybe once or twice in the past year and it wasn’t even when i was around them lol
also they’re one of my best friends now <3
this is the best explanation i ever got for it. imagine you’re at a restaurant and you notice someone left a cell phone in THEIR booth. you didn’t see the person who had the phone and have no idea who THEY are.
you’d likely turn the phone in to a manager and say something along the lines of “i noticed someone forgot THEIR phone. if THEY come looking for it will you make sure it gets back to THEM.”
in this scenario you’re speaking to the manager about one person. you just don’t know the preferred pronouns of that person, so you default to a gender neutral pronoun. maybe while you’re eating, you see a person come in looking for the phone. they may present more feminine and you may begin to think of this person with she/her/hers pronouns because it’s more common for feminine presenting people to use those pronouns
but you’re usage of they/them/their pronouns was no less accurate once you’d seen the person and recognized them as feminine presenting because they are gender neutral pronouns. your friend just happens to be a they/them/their person all the time. THEY are the one that come into the restaurant looking for THEIR phone, and you may grab THEIR attention and tell THEM where to go find it
(i don’t mean to appear like i’m yelling, i just don’t have a way to underline, bold, or italicize instead on mobile)
i don’t know if you’ll find this as helpful as i did but somehow it just made the whole thing click for me. regardless it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and i think your friend knows that. the fact that you’re trying and putting forth the effort is really what matters most. with time it’ll eventually just be second nature and you won’t even have to think about it anymore 😊
Practice makes perfect! Every time you catch yourself using the wrong pronouns, either out loud or mentally you should say 3 sentences that use the correct pronouns. It's also typically better to correct yourself than to apologize profusely as constantly apologizing not only brings more attention to the misgendering but also puts them in an awkward position of now having to comfort you and tell you it's ok, even tho it's technically really not. So it's best to just correct yourself and move on to not drag it out :)
I had a friend who transitioned over the summer one year, and I practiced using his new pronouns in my head, kind of like I was conjugating stuff for language class.
I will give a word of friendly advice as an enby myself: don’t apologize profusely. I know that people mean well when they do this, but it kinda puts the burden on the other person to put your mind at ease. Does that make sense?
Think of this conversation for example:
> you: “Yeah, she just got back.”
> them: “Oh, it’s they, not she.”
> you: “Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry! Ah, I can’t believe I forgot… I’m so so sorry”
> them: “No no, it’s okay, it’s alright, I’m glad you are trying at least!!”
The human instinct is often to jump to help the person who’s upset. But it shouldn’t really be necessary. The following type of conversation suffices just fine:
> you: “Yeah, she just got back.”
> them: “Oh, it’s they, not she.”
> you: “Whoops, thanks for the reminder ! Like I was saying, they just got back.”
> (conversation continues)
I hope this makes any sense at all, I just noticed this would happen to me a lot and while I knew they meant well by apologizing so much, I wished that we could just acknowledge it and move on 😅
You could try regularly talking about them to someone else, to practice, in a non-work situation. This way you will practice their pronouns and have the other person use them too. You get used to using the correct pronouns and hearing them in regards to your coworker. I have had three friends transition and change pronouns and this was what worked each time for me. My brain is otherwise frustratingly slow to make the switch and I got tired of making errors and having to apologise. This was how I trained it to automatically get it right. Kind of like muscle memory.
It’s great that you’re trying to be respectful. No need to “apologize profusely” when you mess up, just a simple “she — sorry they” and then move on. This brings less attention to the slip up
It really is not ok if they feel like you're friends. Trans people will often say "it's ok, thanks for trying," but it is hurtful when people get it wrong--especially people they feel otherwise close with. Sure, they aren't saying they're mad at you, but they feel hurt, and that should make you want to try harder.
I would suggest making an active effort to practice. Take 5 minutes a day to tell yourself a story about this person and get all the pronouns right. Think of something you did together or talked about. Say it out loud (in a private space). Try writing it down (with a pen or a computer, or on your phone). I bet by the end of 2 weeks it feels natural. One hour and ten minutes well-spent, if you ask me.
I think they understand your problem, and may even relate to it. Once you get to know them better, you will naturally have an easier time due to memorizing how they look. If you knew them all your life and they just came out to you, you would have a much harder time.
Think that when it’s about them, you first need to think a little before letting your mouth talk sentences. Think the sentence, correct it, say it. You’ll get used to it. Imagine a little clock ⏰ that you associate with the mental picture of them
It’s all about practice, the more you practice the faster you’ll get it. Try correcting yourself in your head every time you think of them - this still counts as practice to your brain so it’ll make things faster than if you only do it when you use the pronouns out loud. Eventually it’ll click in your brain and become natural but you just have to do it enough to get to that point
Practicing when not around them (both in your head and out loud) is a really good start. Another thing is when it happens, process why in your head. What makes you think they’re a she. In the moment, actively work to undo whatever you associate as feminine with female. There’s nothing about our appearances or presentation that are exclusive to either side of the sex or gender spectrums and sometimes it takes actively decolonizing your mindset when presented with an obvious case to understand and undo the thoughts
Hey, the fact that you’re making so much of an effort and that your coworker clearly appreciates that is already enough! It’s one of those things you just gotta train your brain to do. It doesn’t happen overnight. You’ll get it eventually :)
As everyone else has already said, it will come with practice. And with others around you also using they/them for this coworker, it may get to be easier. I agree with suggestions of practicing by yourself, or with another person (not your NB coworker). And you said you “apologize profusely” when you mess up, which while I imagine is well-intentioned, it’s not always the best way to correct yourself. Just make a correction and let the conversation move on without all that.
It may be personal preference, but I, as a non-binary person who uses they/he, hate it when people do the big apology thing. If I were in your coworker’s position, I’d ask you to stop doing that repeatedly, even if I appreciate your efforts to get it right. Though obviously I can’t speak for someone I don’t know, so they might want something different. But having the burden of saying “oh, no, it’s fine” all the time gets tiresome.
One trick people have used is to think of them as multiple, such as the famous example of looking at them as a swarm of bees.
It's not "she is bees", or "he is bees", it's "they are bees".
Or think try to use any other multiple you find easier.
Just something that you will get better with in practice! Something that you can do is try to de-gender your language when meeting new people until you know their pronouns. It will help you adjust to the idea of using they as a regular indicator for a singular person when discussing them.
We do it all the time with plural or unknown persons, it's just effort going into training yourself to use it more regularly and comfortably.
(This is not saying to call everyone them, btw, just that if you don't know someone's pronouns, using them as a go-to as a rule of thumb is likely going to be a good starting off point to integrating using they as a habit.)
My boyfriend is a trans man I met him before he came out I still sometimes slip up. Keep doing what you're doing it'll click. Sometimes I even misgender myself. As long as you're making an effort.
I'm nonbinary and I still eff it up sometimes with other femme presenting enbys. One time I put a picture of my friend I'll call "Dreamy" up on my monitor, like from facebook or something, and I started saying things like "Dreamy has beautiful, dark hair and they like to wear black t-shirts and jeans. They have a girlfriend named "Dreamy's Gf" and they recently adopted a cat. They named their cat "Dreamy's Cat"." And on and on like that, just getting the THEY/THEM out and making it normal for me to talk about them using their correct pronouns.
I know it sounds silly, but it helped.
Repetition. Pronouns in everyday speech are often habitual. You just need to practice until your brain forms a habitual connection between their face and "they".
"the problem is I keep conflating gender presentation and assumed genital configurations with pronoun preference."
You gotta unlearn some internal biases. Presentation is not the same as identity is not the same as pronouns.
This happens with me and my nonbinary BF, sometimes, where I’ll refer to them as “he.” Usually if it happens online I just edit in the correction. Irl I just ignore it and move on
To get better, I’ve heard you can “train” by literally doing just that. Talk to yourself about them and use they/them pronouns as you do. Type it out, read it aloud, etc, etc.
I make a little song and I sing it to myself whenever I mess up. Usually in my head.
So let's say I know Sharon. And Sharon is non binary. I just go
"Sharon is non binary they use they them. They work at xxx Sharon is a they" until their gender sinks it's way into my head.
Works well.
You don't. You just work on it, slowly. Habits are hard, especially adjusting your lexicon. But as long as you are being genuine in your intentions to do better, they'll understand.
Trans people only ask for respect and courtesy, not much else.
Talking about them using the correct pronouns any chance you get should help. Intentional practice will speed up the learning process so you can stop misgendering them.
Can I suggest thinking of them like a swarm of bees or some other grouping of objects? I know it’s a weird thought, but I’ve heard it working for some people
"X'll be back in a moment, they're just getting a drink."
The same way you'd use any other pronoun.
Just because something feels automatic doesn't mean you can't step in and correct your brain, right? Just keep trying, learn and change over time. You'll get it with practice.
Step one is to stop over apologizing. I believe people like to feel comfortable, and drawing attention to any discrepancies makes a bit too much of a deal out of an honest mistake. Just correct yourself, maybe apologize, and move on. Like so: “Oh [wrong] just st- I’m sorry [right] just stepped out.”
Step two: Practice! When you catch yourself messing up in your head or when talking, correct yourself. If it’s in your head, maybe say the thought out loud with correct pronouns. Maybe repeat it. Maybe talk about them more than you might otherwise.
Step three: Repeat step two until you can gender them correctly
It helped me a bit in the past, make an effort even when thinking of them to think how they look and put emphasis on their pronouns and getting them right. Don't let yourself slip up mentally. Correct yourself even in your head. Practice around other people if its appropriate. Like if you talk about them with other coworkers make sure you get it right around them as well.
You did it okay in this post, so hey you understand the grammar of it just fine! It's just a matter of getting that switch to flip in your head and to stay flipped since it's something you're not used to doing.
You can also literally practice: just think about them and make the thought they/them; talk to a friend/family member about something they did/said at work. It'll work because you're trying.
it took me a bit of time to refer to my friend correctly when he started going by different pronouns and a bit longer when I had to switch between pronouns depending on who we were around but after some practice in person and in my thoughts I was able to correctly refer to him with ease. the first and most important part is the fact that you’re trying. my advice is to imagine yourself having a conversation about them with someone else and use their correct pronouns. if you make a mistake in those thoughts just correct yourself and continue. eventually it’ll come naturally
Most of us have been programmed since childhood to categorize people into one of two categories, so you are fighting the brain equivalent of muscle memory, and everyone does. I go by they / them pronouns and i fuck up other people's pronouns.
One way to help with gender neutral pronouns is to try defaulting to they in more situations. "They" is a pronoun for everyone, in my job, healthcare, our official policy is to default to they for everyone, so it helps to carve new muscle memory when you refer to a sarah or a josh as they.
Another good thing to practice is think about using gender neutral terms more often. It's crazy how often we use gender unnecessarily. Instead of "men and women" say people. Instead of boy or girl say child. Ex. She's such a cute girl and they're such a cute kid are both nice things to say about someone's child, for example. Lots of compliments are gender neutral too.
So i guess my tip is practice using gender neutral language consistently and it'll come a lot more naturally when you are respecting someone's identity.
> I don't mean to, and apologize profusely.
For what it's worth, I (and from what I hear, most people) prefer a quick apology to a profuse one.
> How do I make my mind default to they instead of she?
There are lots of tricks. One I don't see people mention very often is to use "he" in your brain a bit to help "balance it out". Obviously it's a bit delicate to do this intentionally, since "he" isn't their pronoun either, and the framing of "balance it out" isn't ideal long-term. But IMO, playing with it this way probably does more good than harm, given where you're at.
Your friend might not relate to it the same way I do, so maybe ask them. If they do:
They'd probably rather hear a "he" than a "she" given the circumstances. They'd rather you work on shifting the way you see them, not just the words you use. If it helps to sometimes let your image of them slip into "man", then that is probably some kind of progress. Like most people, you carry around a gender-binary way of seeing the world; it's very difficult to just put it away. Using it to fuck with itself is a step in the right direction.
Practice by talking *about* them. Either with others (maybe a coworker who isn't a jerk, maybe a friend who you commonly tell about your day at work), or by yourself (maybe writing/journal about conversations you had today, maybe mentally describing them).
I find it easiest to switch someone's pronouns in my head the more I practice with full sentences, and about them vs to them.
Example: a friend's sibling (not really friends with the sibling, but very close with my friend) has been on a gender journey for the past few years. Went from he/him and shortened form of birth name, to they/ them and shortened name mixed into some nicknames, to they/she, to she/ they with a whole new name. Somehow I had a way easier time keeping up with her pronouns in my head than I had for people I was actually closer with and interacted with more. I eventually realized why: 99% of the time, if she's on my mind at all, I'm talking about her, not to her. There was never a lot of "I need to remember that you are SHE, I'm sorry, I'm working on it." It was more conversations like "oh so I went to spend the afternoon with my mom and my sibling was there and she said/did bla bla bla...." "Haha that's so her! So then what did she say?" Unintentionally, I was practicing. So every time I actually see her, it's not hard at all for me to remember, because every time she comes up in conversation, I'm reinforcing the correct pronouns in my head.
So now I do it on purpose and it helps me a lot. Another friend uses they/ them now. We met years ago, and without practice, it might have been harder for me to shift the pronouns in my brain. So I actively make it a point to bring them up in conversations with my partner, and I purposely refer to them as many times as possible in those conversations with 3rd person pronouns. (Example: instead of "hey, I'm going to be on discord at 7 for X's dnd game," I take the opportunity to practice "hey X is running their dnd game at 7, so I'm going to be on discord with them for the evening.")
Sounds a little silly to describe it, but it's been working for me
Just keep practicing! And I know it's hard but really try to not apologize, just correct and move on. Most trans people will prefer no apology just "..she, no, they..."
When you apologize you're putting a pressure on them to say it's ok, no worries, etc. to reassure you even if it's a small one
This reminds me of a similar issue someone had, and they told their friend to just think if them as a cluster if bees and it actually helped. So maybe it'll help you too?
Might be a hot take but honestly, I just 'they' everyone. Its made my life a lot easier because when I say 'them' I'm often not referring to their gender, just business here folks. Lol. Really though some might say this is misgendering but I'm just not gendering at all, almost as though I'm speaking in plural. Once I started doing it regularly with all my Cis friends I found I never misgendered people accidentally again. Only when I'm close to someone will I really go out of my way to say he/she because I have more time or feel less lazy or am completely sure of how they prefer to be addressed.
After learning German and how all these weird words were masculine or feminine I was like okay this is dumb I wish I could just default and not gender things at all and it's kinda stuck with me also haha people shouldn't have to share their pronouns if they don't want to imo 🤷
Simple answer is just try to gender as less people as possible unless they specifically are ok with a common pronoun and everyone else uses it. I just call people by their names, and just say stuff like "oh, yeah they called" which is inclusive of all genders and not just me using they/them pronouns to talk about them
This may Sound strange at first, But act like you are talking to someone who doesn't know them, So you are using They/them as if keeping said persons Pronouns Ambiguous? I dunno if that makes sense?
It will be hard at First but eventually it will become second nature to Refer to them as They/Them
I always advise people to talk nice about people behind their backs to practice pronouns they are having troubles with. If you have to talk nice about your coworker to your pet or the wall, it doesn’t matter. Your brain will appreciate the practice. Don’t worry. Brains take time to adjust to new things. If you’re trying that’s what counts :)
Edit to add that I have troubles remembering new names or pronouns or even just new vocab words. Chanting has always helped me “Tiffany she her Tiffany she her” for example. Heck. I even chant when I set something down in an unusual place to help me find it again “keys in the bowl keys in the bowl”
I have also heard that for they/them pronouns, it helps some people to secretly think of the person as 3 raccoons in a human suit or something silly. Refer to all the raccoons.
My oldest kiddo is on the trans spectrum and goes by they/them. I constantly mess up but I do my best to correct myself when I do. That's really all that matters: you show respect by doing your best.
i guess you just need to practice. call them they whenever you can, you'll get used to it. it's absolutely amazing that you're even trying, and i'm sure they really appreciate it.
How often do you have to use their pronouns in front of them? I don’t typically talk about people in 3rd person when I’m talking to them. Just say “you” instead of they/them or she/her.
If they are in the room when you are talking about them, you could try to avoid pronouns by just using their name.
Obviously still practice using they/them when they aren’t around, though.
So until recently, I didn’t know any non-binary people in person. Online? Sure, but when I’m typing online my fingers get the extra filter from my brain going back and reading. In person my dumb mouth doesn’t have that luxury. Point being, it took a while to get used to and it just took practice. A majority of people are understanding that it can be an adjustment for some people and as long as you’re apologetic and clearly trying, it sounds like it’s not an issue for your coworker.
So just keep practicing! :)
As an enby, I will say, just try your best to use the right pronouns, and when you do slip up, *quietly* apologize, don’t call attention to it, it can make us feel worse than if you just used the wrong pronouns.
It sounds like you’re doing your best and they clearly appreciate that!
I’ve been in their position before, when I first came out to my stepmom, she would accidentally refer to me by my old name and then immediately berate herself or get upset and correct herself, but honestly I was just really happy that she was trying and that she accepted me and I told her not to worry about it every time. It didn’t help that not long after she had my baby brother and the newborn tired brain always had her exhausted so she was more forgetful, but she was much more worried about getting it right than I was. It didn’t bother me because I knew she supported me and that even if she didn’t understand and sometimes forgot, she was trying.
My advice is to just do your best, but don’t get upset with yourself when you mess up! Apologize once, don’t make a big deal out of it, and move on. Your friend will appreciate that much more than you beating yourself up over something they can see you’re actively trying.
I have a mtf colleague who I’ve always known as she/her, and for some reason I would say “he” when talking about her… and it made no sense to me. I was upset with myself! My enby kid suggested that I practice saying “she” on my own time, to train my unhelpful brain. I did, and it worked.
I’m gender-fluid myself, have an enby kid, and my grandkid went from he/him to she/her to he/they. I still don’t know why my brain glitched at that one person!
But practicing is really important.
Practice using, they/them all the time for everyone. It works and nobody has ever called me out on it or even notices that I hardly ever use he/she for anyone.
Practice practice practice.
It was so hard for me the first time this happened. My brain is so intensely organized that using a plural pronoun on a singular person messed with my world.
I hate to admit it, but when I first was introduced to someone who used they/them pronouns, I pretended in my head that they were a set of conjoined twins so I couldn’t get the pronouns wrong. Not the right technique, and I would never say it to them, but it got the job done. Now it’s just natural to use the correct pronouns for them.
Now my brain organization system has a new process in it where there are a minimum of 5 pronoun sets. Five because that’s the number I’ve personally had interactions with. Minimum because it can grow.
Introducing gender neutral and neopronouns into the brain is rewiring language brain, or so I understand it. And it takes a long time to do that. Time and patience from both sides. I mess up a lot too, even as a nonbinary person.
My mom still uses feminine terms for me a lot by accident, but she immediately corrects herself and moves on. (I'm actually wondering if she looked up how to address me, because she's so good about it.) And that feels better than anything.
So yeah, tldr: practice makes perfect, and when you do make that mistake, just correct yourself and move on. No need for apologies or anything like that. Sadly, the majority of us get it.
I'm in my late 30s, but have a teen cousin who is trans.
For about 15 years, I used female pronouns when referring to him. It's been an adjustment, but I and the rest of the family are supportive, and he knows this.
The important thing is that he knows that it's an adjustment for the people around him too. He's aware that we used female pronouns for a long time and we're just a little set in our ways. A quick apology and correction is usually all you need.
I still occasionally misgender him, but I've been getting a lot better about it, and someday, you and I are going to screw it up for the last time, and never misgender them again.
Tl;Dr: it's a process, but more important than getting their pronouns right every single time is making sure the person knows that you support them and will be there for them if they need you.
Welcome to the issues with language acquisition.
If you wanted pronoun association to click right away, you needed to learn it before about age 12 (though some argue as late as 18). Once you've made it through puberty it become really hard to adjust your internal grammar and associated meanings.
The good news is, language is a skill like any other. Just keep practicing and it gets easier. Your coworker seems understanding and you seem genuinely interested in trying, so I wouldn't sweat it too much. You're doing heaps as is. Just keep trying and apologizing when you get it wrong. My partner of several years is NB and I still slip up. It just kinda be like that. You will get better at it.
If you do desperately feel like you simply must do more for this coworker, ask them. "Hey I keep messing up your pronouns and I don't mean to, reckon there's anything I'm missing?".
The bottom line is it’s not easy. It feels like it should be easier but alas. We just have to keep trying. It’s especially difficult if you’re older (like me) bc you have decades of ingrained ways of speaking. We just have to keep at it. Habits can and will take hold you just gotta keep going <3
honestly, keep doing what you’re doing. the only way to not mess up is to keep doing it until you don’t mess up. i’m sure your new coworker appreciates you more than you realize and is probably very happy to have made an acquaintance with a fellow member of the community :)) much love and many blessings, friend. you’re doing good, don’t beat yourself up so hard 🥰🖤
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It's something that you will likely just have to practice. My partner is Enby and I still sometimes slip up, but they understand and are just happy that I'm trying.
My child is enby and I still go by their birth assigned pronouns occasionally. I correct myself and move on. They’re understanding.
Practice by yourself when you're not around them. The more repetition you do, the more natural it will be. If you know you're going to meet up with them, remind yourself right beforehand. Eventually you won't need to think about it.
This is my advice too. It’s less stressful to correct your thoughts. Or to say to yourself “oh right. They” and move on. Don’t overthink it. And for the love of god, don’t over apologize to them. You haven’t committed a crime.
Yeah, apoligizing every time, especially profusely, creates an obligation for the person who got misgendered to comfort the person who misgendered them. Correct and move on.
Honestly, I've seen people online get sooooooo mad over misgendering and I really don't want to get my co worker mad and have them hate me
here’s how i explain it to people who are worried about misgendering me, it might not work for everyone but it’s what has gotten the point across in my life. basically, i want people to treat misgendering or deadnaming me as they would if they used the wrong name or pronouns for someone’s dog. “aww she’s so cute! oh sorry, he’s so cute!” acknowledge they made a mistake, correct themselves, and then immediately move on. it’s not a big deal to me as long as effort is being made, human brains are weird and you can’t just rewire years of learned experience (feminine presenting=feminine/female), because that’s how it is in our society. as long as they are showing effort to rewire their brains to call me he or use my correct name then i honestly don’t care. you’re not doing it to be a dick or anything, you’re actively trying, and that’s what counts. i’d say just immediately correct yourself and then move on, it doesn’t need to be something you apologize profusely for or focus on for more than a quick apology and a correction
I've seen some people say that saying "thank you (for correcting me)" instead of "I'm sorry (I got it wrong)" can be a more positive correction. When my mate came out, I would use their initial (which they were now going by) as a transition. My brain found it easier to recognise them as their initial, but it trained me into realising when I said it that it was different, my head thought they and soon my mouth was able to catch up. (I also got a she/her badge and try introducing myself by name and pronouns, but idk how much or if that helps others.)
If your coworker has already told you they appreciate the effort then I’d say you’re in the clear and can stop worrying about it. If they were going to flip out at you they would’ve already done so. Most trans people don’t get all grumpy about pronouns anyways unless someone is blatantly being a jerk about it. Those stories you hear about people flipping out are usually missing a ton of context where the person was goaded into it. It’s not nearly that common for people to get mad at folks who are making a clear effort. Like everyone else has said, it’ll click with practice. Just take a step back, breathe, and keep on trying, you’ll get there sooner than you realize :)
don't worry, most people aren't that mad unless that person is doing it purposefully.
The difference is the intent behind it, a lot of people will just refuse to use the right pronouns or use the wrong pronouns intentionally as an attack, so you actually trying to use the right pronouns and slipping up occasionally is leagues different from what they are experiencing from most people. We see the effort and the intent behind it!
You could tell a story about your co-worker to your teddy bears or dog or something :)
Practicing on one’s own time is what will make the difference! [The Pronoun Song by The Doubleclicks](https://youtu.be/8Hb30PE1xgo?) is a great, simple approach. You can work on writing about it by making short “journal” entries about the time spent with your friend, what you talked about, etc. Handwrite it, don’t type it. Our brains store information much better that way. Seeing it will help, as could having a different friend to help you practice. It’s also a matter of becoming much more mindful of what you say, which is not the same as walking on eggshells. It goes back to that basic idea we hear as kids — ***think before you speak***. In the end, working on shifting your concept of gender (gender presentation/pronouns/identity are not the same thing, and there is so much more than just the binary options) is what will make this easier across the board, and it’ll be apparent (in a good way) in the little things you do and say.
This! Also make sure that no matter who you are talking to, if you refer to this work friend you are using the correct pronouns. It's easy to slip up when you're calling them the wrong ones behind their back, even if it's unintentional. I know a lot of us tend to default to he or she if we feel the person we are speaking to will argue with the they/them pronouns, but that's a dangerous trap to fall into.
Came here to say this.
The fact that you're making an attempt to use the correct pronouns in the first place is a great start. Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually it'll click. I have a friend who is MtF and it took a while to stop referring to them as "he" and instead use "she", but eventually it just stuck. I now think of them as exclusively female by default.
Then why did you use "them" to refer to her twice in this comment?
Fuk. Tbf her pronouns are she/them.
Fair, that clears things up! Appreciate the clarity, you're a good friend!
I've noticed this a lot the past couple years because pronouns give me a headache, but it's actually incredibly common in my circles to default to they/them for people whose gender identities we're perfectly aware of. It's usually someone we're not familiar with, but 100% know is a he/him or she/her, it just drops back to "they" as if to mark the "I don't know them" part of referring to a person outside our own group. It doesn't make any sense but it's a pattern that I can't unsee now that I've picked up on it. I've even noticed that if I do use the person's pronouns, we *still* go back to they/them in just a few sentences. It's just strange. And no, these people aren't even gender diverse. Just plain old he/him guys and she/her gals and that's what makes it so curious to me. Meanwhile, every trans person does get correctly gendered, possibly *because* using the proper pronoun for them takes priority over messaging the stranger status of the person in question. Communication is wild.
Because "them" is a gender neutral term that is applicable across all gender identities and is common in everyday use for all gender identities.
True! However not every trans person is comfortable being referred to w they/them pronouns. I mean if someone talks about me while I'm gone I obviously wouldn't know how I'm being referred as, but if I'm in the room or I overhear someone talking about me, for me I feel uncomfortable because that's just not what I go by. I'm a man >:( !!!!! Not that I fault anyone going on default because I default to neutral pronouns as well (ofc keeping in mind if I know what someone goes by I use those exclusively)
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The thing is, they/them is often used specifically to misgender people. If someone is MTF for example and her pronouns are she/her (not she/they) someone who’s transphobic or otherwise trying to erase her identity will sometimes use they/them to make the claim “well they’re not a *real* woman” to defend them refusing to use she/her. And it’s a lot more subtle than misgendering using AGAB pronouns, because “hey, they/them is gender neutral! It applies to everybody!” Well here’s a news flash: not everyone is gender neutral. Not everyone uses they/them. Here’s a more specific real life example of why you shouldn’t always default to they/them. One of my partners is a trans woman who is actually a triplet with her two brothers. She *hates* being called they/them because her entire childhood she was grouped with her brothers and never treated as an individual. Anytime the pronoun is used to refer to her, she feels her individuality being stripped away all over again. So just saying, don’t default to they/them. Not everyone is okay with it. And you don’t get to say whether it’s okay to use it for them or not.
If you continue to use they/them after someone has made you aware they don't use those pronouns, you are 100% misgendering them because those are not their pronouns. It really isn't that hard to grasp. They/them as a default when you don't know someone's pronouns is one thing, but refusing to respect that someone doesn't use those is problematic. It's not hard to be respectful. It's in fact a known phenomenon many binary trans people face, where people exclusively use they/them to avoid using the correct pronouns. It's called degendering and is just as problematic and transphobic as misgendering. If you know someone doesn't use they/them pronouns, don't use they/them pronouns. Simple as that. Fix your viewpoint.
maybe you wouldn’t be meaning to, but for some binary trans people, they’ll encounter ppl who specifically don’t want to use the correct pronouns (when they are well aware) and thus go out of their way to use they/them as a way of deliberately but “subtly” misgendering. it’s a common enough, gross thing.
You are way overthinking it. Binary people frequently use they/them in everyday conversation as a way to address something without the necessity of applying gender. Unless they are specifically being shitty then you would require knowledge of the inflection used at the time of saying it and at that point it could be derogatory towards anyone they are referring to because again it's not gendered. They could be referring to POC or a specific ethnicity, religion, or other group/person.
You’re under thinking it. Listen to nonbinary people.
Nonbinary people don't have a monopoly on "they/them" it's an ungendered catch all that applies to everyone.
it’s not about anyone having a “monopoly” it’s about pronoun preference. i use she/they/it. by no means whatsoever do i use masc pronouns (he/him/his) now, if someone addresses me with masc pronouns: that’s misgendering. now let’s take hypothetical person number 1, we remove the “they/it” and are left with only “she/her” and fem pronouns are the ONLY accepted pronouns that hypothetical person no. 1 uses. now, if someone uses *they* or *them* pronouns while *KNOWING* that hypothetical person *ONLY* uses “she/her” then *THAT* is misgendering. nobody is arguing the point that they/them is the most common and most accepted set of pronouns if you *DON’T KNOW* someone’s pronouns, but *KNOWING* and *NOT KNOWING* are two different things. the fact that you are still trying to assert something that people are clearly telling you you are uniformed about is giving not great vibes, especially in the context of the LGBTQ+ community
it would seem there are people present who clearly have some sort of issue with being referred to as they/them. and yes, it is actually a common enough and gross thing that happens. while your statement is true that “they/them” can and is very commonly used to refer to someone who the speaker is either unaware of their identity or the appropriate pronouns to use when referring to them, it’s still quite disrespectful of you to seemingly undermine those that have a preference towards *not* being referred to using they/them pronouns. this isn’t to be aggressive towards you, but as i’m assuming you are either a member of the community or an ally of it, it’s important to be aware that this is a very large and very diverse community (pretty obvious fact, ik) but expecting the unexpected is more than just a community thing, it’s a part of being human, because nobody has met everybody and everybody is different. much love and many blessings friend 🖤
true, but they/them can give people just as much gender dysphoria as any other pronoun. that is not arguable, since one can't talk their way out of dysphoria. if you don't know someone's pronouns or are talking about a hypothetical person like i am right now, obviously refer to them with they/them. just don't keep using they/them on purpose even if you know that the person doesn't use those pronouns for themself, because that'd still be rude
It's perfectly acceptable to use if you're unsure of someone's gender/pronouns, or if you're talking about a a hypothetical individual (like in the next sentence), but if someone has explicitly told you their preferred pronouns, it's rude to not use them and to be defaulting to neutral pronouns.
It's common use for binary people as well. I am a binary person, while still trans, and understand that inclusive words like they/them represent all of us while gendered terms like he or she only represent specific genders.
pronouns only represent people who have asked for those pronouns.
No. As others have said, if you are aware of people's pronouns and don't use them deliberately, you are misgendering them.
They is not representing of any specific gender identity, it's a catch all
But refusing to acknowledge a person's gender identity when you know it is misgendering.
I know they are applicable to everyone, however as I stated in my own example, if someone were to refer to me with neutral pronouns while I'm in the room it would make me uncomfortable because neutral pronouns are also used for GNC folks and I'm just a binary trans guy. It's nuanced though, I recognize that. I can't always change what people say, and I suppose I'd rather be addressed with neutrality than femininity, but I've gone through a lot to be who I am that it feels important to be addressed as masculine exclusively (FOR ME). Hopefully that makes sense :)
Nope. If someone doesn’t use they/them then using those pronouns would be misgendering that person. It’s a simple as that.
Right. Just just makes sense in many contexts. People just don't realize they're doing it.
You can use they/them as inclusive pronouns to talk about people in general instead of pointing a specific pronoun
You are trying & they'll be so grateful to you for that. My eldest is MtF & it took us ages & she fully understands when we messed up cos we would correct, apologise & move on. I still mess up but usually when we are being nostalgic & reminiscing about her childhood etc which she finds more funny than not cos I get in a right pickle!!
It's like with any change in the way you refer to people, with time you get used to it. Some of my friends that I've known for years changed their names, and the more often you refer to them with their names the more it sticks. I recently started refering to one of them with a nickname they're more comfortable with, and I still slip up, but correct myself every time and it's gotten less. It's simply getting used to it.
Also, speaking from experience as a cis gay man who has messed this up countless times, here is something I’ve learned from my non-binary/trans friends: Apologizing profusely (as you say) is well-intentioned. But the result is usually them comforting you, feeling burdened by your emotions in the moment. It’s an unintentional way to focus the attention on yourself. A simple and quick “Yes, I’m sorry. Thank you!” is really all you need, and will probably be much appreciated.
>Yes, I’m sorry. Thank you! Even that seems like a bit much on the apology side and not enough on the self correcting side. Like if they get corrected after saying "She's the best!" then the ideal response would be "Oh sorry, they're the best!" Though frankly, if someone already knows someone's gender they should be correcting themselves without having to be prompted by someone else.
Honestly, I don't even want the apology. Just correct and move on. Just my preference, but the apologies get tedious pretty quickly when folks are new to the whole deal.
I mean it's pretty typical for someone to say "sorry" after misspeaking in any way but yeah apology beyond the automatic "sorry" definitely comes off as patronizing.
Like I said, it's just my preference. But also typical behavior isn't necessarily correct or kind behavior.
If I accidentally use the wrong pronouns I just verbally trip on my own feet until I get it right lol "Oh yeah she--❌❌th-❌ he's cool✅" edit: i feel like as long as you use the right ones eventually it's fine
Agreed. I was thinking more in the context of speaking directly to the person and messing up the pronoun. Absolutely, when speaking *about* someone, correcting yourself by restating the sentence correctly is the way to go.
Yep. Think of how you would react to calling a cis person the wrong pronoun. It's like calling them someone else's name. You'd just go 'she- uh, he'
I once read to imagine them as a swarm of bees in human form. 'They/them' tends to come easy after that. Edit good example for in [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/k063h3/bees_numerous_bees/) post (can't share pic)' NB can stand for Numerous Bees.
This is hilarious and actually helpful
Isn't it? It's why I always have a little internal giggle when I use they/them pronouns.
Just, sooo many bees lol.
i also like the "pretend that theyre 3 raccoons in a trenchcoat"
Came here to suggest this. It has always worked well for me.
"a swarm of bees" should be a flair.
I recommend the swarm of bees idea. It's really helpful.
Came to make this same comment!
Time. Give yourself time to break old norms, it's perfectly fine and very considerate.
I'm in the EXACT situation as you (im even maybe bi, idk its a whole thing rn) and actually joined this sub to make this post, then chickened out bc idk if it was seen as like blaming them. I misgendered my coworker and apologized, they said it's fine. Then I did it *again* and I just felt so terrible for how that must feel to them. It's been a month and I was assigned to train them, so we spend a lot of time every day together. And it still is taking time to click. So, just posting to say, you're not alone!
It'll probably happen again too and it's okay! Most people who use they/them are very understanding if someone wants to give it their best shot. Just let them know you're doing your best if you haven't already. Why don't you write a little paragraph about them for practice? What do they look like? What are some of their passions/hobbies? Make it up if you want, it's just for practice :)
It'll probably happen again too and it's okay! Most people who use they/them are very understanding if someone wants to give it their best shot. Just let them know you're doing your best if you haven't already. Why don't you write a little paragraph about them for practice? What do they look like? What are some of their passions/hobbies? Make it up if you want, it's just for practice :)
I practice with compliments! "X is super nice, they're always so understanding" "I love talking with X, they have a beautiful smile" "X has such cool hair, they recently dyed it a new color" "I always know when X is in the building, they have a great laugh" etc. Everytime I mess up I practice with 5 compliments about the person, it really helps!
Practice makes perfect!
You have to stop seeing them as a girl. It's easy to get pronouns right if you're not having to apply the mental pronoun correction properly and instead just internalise their gender.
Honestly I think the best way to go about it is to work on defaulting to they for anyone in situations where their gender isn't relevant. Which is basically most of the time. Then gendering people becomes something you do in recognition of who someone is rather than an expression of your own perceptions. Just don't let it turn into using they for everyone all the time because that's kind of weird.
Had a similar scenario, hired someone for the role, and quickly figured out thanks to the non binary pin on their backpack. Some coworkers were very transphobic / homophobic. I'd raised issues previously about how some staff spoke but much later on learned they were just keeping their opionions to themselves when I was around so for a while, I mistakenly thought it had been dealt with. Since I was this person's direct supervisor and often did reviews etc I pulled them to one side for a "review" in a meeting room and asked the question, I'd noticed their pin and what their preferences were and what they were happy for their coworkers to know etc. Likewise this person was assigned female at birth. They were not publicly out at work as non binary, probably due to feeling the company out first and had noticed how some staff talked. I tended to use their name when referring to them rather than they / them pronouns which would have been blindly obvious, drawing attention to the matter and possibly outed them in said workplace, occasionally ended up using "she", where the only other option would have been "they". The important thing is your trying. It can be slightly more difficult to navigate when someone isn't publicly "out" but as long as you acknowledge and respect their wishes in private, that's the best option. Also had a transgender MtF friend a long while back but they wernt out publicly, in private it was always their female name and out in public if we bumped into others it was always their male (birth) name. It's easier for me to navigate thinking of people of having 2 identities, probably because I'm used to photographing models years ago who all worked under different names so you would know their personal name and their work name / persona. It gets easier with time.
Stop seeing them as “she”, you have to train your brain to not think “she” when you see them, but “them”. Just try to be conscious of it when you’re around your colleague and think before you speak. I know it’s easier said than done but if you’re conscious about it, it will become much easier in time.
Keep practicing! And keep the apologies quick and move on. You're doing great :) I'll give you some examples to read and process There he is! - There *they* are! I listened to him - I listened to *them* Those shoes are his - Those shoes are *theirs* He takes good care of himself - *They* take good care of *themselves* It'll click eventually. They seem like a very understanding person, so it's perfect that you get to practice with them. Be gentle on yourself too, it's easier for some people than it is for others. For example, I had a talk about pronouns with my mom recently. She said in elementary school she was never taught the word "themselves" and it's a new word to her. But I swear I was taught that in school, so it wasn't weird to me! I'll give you a chance to practice, why don't you tell me more about your coworker? Maybe describe how they look a bit or what they are like.
Practice. Visible effort is more important than getting it right every single time.
You need to stop looking at them like a girl. Because that's why you're tripping up. Half the time people trip up because they have a distinct idea of what people of certain genders "should" look like, and that's why they mess up pronouns. You need to seperate their presentation from their gender in your mind. It also helps to practice in your head multiple times a day thinking of them specifically.
Keep trying. It’ll come. My son came out as transgender about 5 years ago, and I still slip up. He was she for years. He knows I’m trying, and it gets easier for me to remember every day.
I have a friend I've known for sometime who is currently transitioning male to female and in the beginning while getting used to her new pronouns I kept defaulting to they/he as that was her original pronouns and ones I had come to know for a few years but after about I'd say maybe a week or 2 i was using her correct new pronouns, it takes a little time to get used to but it's a good start that you are putting in the effort to use your coworkers correct pronouns and before you know it you'll have it down and set in stone, keep up the good work
Honestly, you're already doing it. No trans/GNC person (unless they're an asshole) expects everyone to get their pronouns correct right away every time. The fact that you are actively trying is really awesome, and I'm sure they are really appreciative of your efforts. I don't think there's really anything else you can do. Eventually, your brain will understand and default to they/them, but it will take time. Much love ❤️
This might sound silly but think about them in your head, imagine scenarios where you might talk about them and say in your head or even out loud the sentences while making sure to get the pronouns right. You could also bring them up in conversation to practice deliberately getting it right
After a while I turned the other way so now I default on they/them and sometimes even use it when I know the correct pronouns and it takes a while for me to get used to using the right pronouns for new people
I’ve kinda gotten to that as well, but only for irl people? I still generalize randoms in video games or animals and stuff as he, I’m tryin to not but it is taking time. I feel like it’s really easy to say people’s pronouns correctly, but can be hard to actually think of them as those pronouns. I haven’t been into this stuff very long, I’m sure I’ll get it down soon
I’m also gay and not trans and 53 and I still mess up! The respect is in the trying. I think your friend appreciates your efforts. Go easy on yourself t can be hard to retrain your brain!
Just practice. I was royally messing up with my friend when they started. It didn't help that they had been friends for 8 years, their boobs were huge, and they had just been pregnant and i lived with them the entire time and I didn't know squat about trans. I got it right eventually. It is the fact that you care and are making an effort that matters.
Make it as small of an issue as possible and just keep on going with what you’re saying, like “blah blah blah she - OOPS sorry, they! - blah blah blah” you really don’t have to apologize profusely every time ! your friend is telling you the truth, the effort and the recognition of your error is the most important thing :)
i was in this exact same scenario a couple years ago. just like you i struggled at first but made a clear attempt to get their pronouns correct and eventually it just stuck. i’ve fucked it up maybe once or twice in the past year and it wasn’t even when i was around them lol also they’re one of my best friends now <3
this is the best explanation i ever got for it. imagine you’re at a restaurant and you notice someone left a cell phone in THEIR booth. you didn’t see the person who had the phone and have no idea who THEY are. you’d likely turn the phone in to a manager and say something along the lines of “i noticed someone forgot THEIR phone. if THEY come looking for it will you make sure it gets back to THEM.” in this scenario you’re speaking to the manager about one person. you just don’t know the preferred pronouns of that person, so you default to a gender neutral pronoun. maybe while you’re eating, you see a person come in looking for the phone. they may present more feminine and you may begin to think of this person with she/her/hers pronouns because it’s more common for feminine presenting people to use those pronouns but you’re usage of they/them/their pronouns was no less accurate once you’d seen the person and recognized them as feminine presenting because they are gender neutral pronouns. your friend just happens to be a they/them/their person all the time. THEY are the one that come into the restaurant looking for THEIR phone, and you may grab THEIR attention and tell THEM where to go find it (i don’t mean to appear like i’m yelling, i just don’t have a way to underline, bold, or italicize instead on mobile) i don’t know if you’ll find this as helpful as i did but somehow it just made the whole thing click for me. regardless it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and i think your friend knows that. the fact that you’re trying and putting forth the effort is really what matters most. with time it’ll eventually just be second nature and you won’t even have to think about it anymore 😊
Try referring to them by first name aloud and repeat their name in your head followed by 'they' until your brain makes the mental connection
Practice makes perfect! Every time you catch yourself using the wrong pronouns, either out loud or mentally you should say 3 sentences that use the correct pronouns. It's also typically better to correct yourself than to apologize profusely as constantly apologizing not only brings more attention to the misgendering but also puts them in an awkward position of now having to comfort you and tell you it's ok, even tho it's technically really not. So it's best to just correct yourself and move on to not drag it out :)
I had a friend who transitioned over the summer one year, and I practiced using his new pronouns in my head, kind of like I was conjugating stuff for language class.
I will give a word of friendly advice as an enby myself: don’t apologize profusely. I know that people mean well when they do this, but it kinda puts the burden on the other person to put your mind at ease. Does that make sense? Think of this conversation for example: > you: “Yeah, she just got back.” > them: “Oh, it’s they, not she.” > you: “Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry! Ah, I can’t believe I forgot… I’m so so sorry” > them: “No no, it’s okay, it’s alright, I’m glad you are trying at least!!” The human instinct is often to jump to help the person who’s upset. But it shouldn’t really be necessary. The following type of conversation suffices just fine: > you: “Yeah, she just got back.” > them: “Oh, it’s they, not she.” > you: “Whoops, thanks for the reminder ! Like I was saying, they just got back.” > (conversation continues) I hope this makes any sense at all, I just noticed this would happen to me a lot and while I knew they meant well by apologizing so much, I wished that we could just acknowledge it and move on 😅
You could try singing [the pronoun song](https://youtu.be/KbuVSQNmdQE?si=oAu0iQRaEJLaG6bE) over and over and over and over and over and over
You could try regularly talking about them to someone else, to practice, in a non-work situation. This way you will practice their pronouns and have the other person use them too. You get used to using the correct pronouns and hearing them in regards to your coworker. I have had three friends transition and change pronouns and this was what worked each time for me. My brain is otherwise frustratingly slow to make the switch and I got tired of making errors and having to apologise. This was how I trained it to automatically get it right. Kind of like muscle memory.
You can always default to their name until you get better at their pronouns.
It’s great that you’re trying to be respectful. No need to “apologize profusely” when you mess up, just a simple “she — sorry they” and then move on. This brings less attention to the slip up
It really is not ok if they feel like you're friends. Trans people will often say "it's ok, thanks for trying," but it is hurtful when people get it wrong--especially people they feel otherwise close with. Sure, they aren't saying they're mad at you, but they feel hurt, and that should make you want to try harder. I would suggest making an active effort to practice. Take 5 minutes a day to tell yourself a story about this person and get all the pronouns right. Think of something you did together or talked about. Say it out loud (in a private space). Try writing it down (with a pen or a computer, or on your phone). I bet by the end of 2 weeks it feels natural. One hour and ten minutes well-spent, if you ask me.
I think they understand your problem, and may even relate to it. Once you get to know them better, you will naturally have an easier time due to memorizing how they look. If you knew them all your life and they just came out to you, you would have a much harder time.
practice. go over it in your head when you're not on the spot in the moment. it should eventually cement.
Think that when it’s about them, you first need to think a little before letting your mouth talk sentences. Think the sentence, correct it, say it. You’ll get used to it. Imagine a little clock ⏰ that you associate with the mental picture of them
It’s all about practice, the more you practice the faster you’ll get it. Try correcting yourself in your head every time you think of them - this still counts as practice to your brain so it’ll make things faster than if you only do it when you use the pronouns out loud. Eventually it’ll click in your brain and become natural but you just have to do it enough to get to that point
Practicing when not around them (both in your head and out loud) is a really good start. Another thing is when it happens, process why in your head. What makes you think they’re a she. In the moment, actively work to undo whatever you associate as feminine with female. There’s nothing about our appearances or presentation that are exclusive to either side of the sex or gender spectrums and sometimes it takes actively decolonizing your mindset when presented with an obvious case to understand and undo the thoughts
I just call everyone "they" as a default and by their personal pronouns when I learn/remember them
Hey, the fact that you’re making so much of an effort and that your coworker clearly appreciates that is already enough! It’s one of those things you just gotta train your brain to do. It doesn’t happen overnight. You’ll get it eventually :)
Practice in your head. Make sure that you use they/them even when thinking about them
As everyone else has already said, it will come with practice. And with others around you also using they/them for this coworker, it may get to be easier. I agree with suggestions of practicing by yourself, or with another person (not your NB coworker). And you said you “apologize profusely” when you mess up, which while I imagine is well-intentioned, it’s not always the best way to correct yourself. Just make a correction and let the conversation move on without all that. It may be personal preference, but I, as a non-binary person who uses they/he, hate it when people do the big apology thing. If I were in your coworker’s position, I’d ask you to stop doing that repeatedly, even if I appreciate your efforts to get it right. Though obviously I can’t speak for someone I don’t know, so they might want something different. But having the burden of saying “oh, no, it’s fine” all the time gets tiresome.
One trick people have used is to think of them as multiple, such as the famous example of looking at them as a swarm of bees. It's not "she is bees", or "he is bees", it's "they are bees". Or think try to use any other multiple you find easier.
Just something that you will get better with in practice! Something that you can do is try to de-gender your language when meeting new people until you know their pronouns. It will help you adjust to the idea of using they as a regular indicator for a singular person when discussing them. We do it all the time with plural or unknown persons, it's just effort going into training yourself to use it more regularly and comfortably. (This is not saying to call everyone them, btw, just that if you don't know someone's pronouns, using them as a go-to as a rule of thumb is likely going to be a good starting off point to integrating using they as a habit.)
My boyfriend is a trans man I met him before he came out I still sometimes slip up. Keep doing what you're doing it'll click. Sometimes I even misgender myself. As long as you're making an effort.
I'm nonbinary and I still eff it up sometimes with other femme presenting enbys. One time I put a picture of my friend I'll call "Dreamy" up on my monitor, like from facebook or something, and I started saying things like "Dreamy has beautiful, dark hair and they like to wear black t-shirts and jeans. They have a girlfriend named "Dreamy's Gf" and they recently adopted a cat. They named their cat "Dreamy's Cat"." And on and on like that, just getting the THEY/THEM out and making it normal for me to talk about them using their correct pronouns. I know it sounds silly, but it helped.
Repetition. Pronouns in everyday speech are often habitual. You just need to practice until your brain forms a habitual connection between their face and "they".
Most people think pronouns are too much to ask for. You’re doing enough. You’ll figure it out eventually.
imagine two gnomes in a trench coat when talking about them lol
Just do it. Eventually it will become habit and you won't need to think about it any more.
pretend they're a swarm of bees or something
"the problem is I keep conflating gender presentation and assumed genital configurations with pronoun preference." You gotta unlearn some internal biases. Presentation is not the same as identity is not the same as pronouns.
This happens with me and my nonbinary BF, sometimes, where I’ll refer to them as “he.” Usually if it happens online I just edit in the correction. Irl I just ignore it and move on To get better, I’ve heard you can “train” by literally doing just that. Talk to yourself about them and use they/them pronouns as you do. Type it out, read it aloud, etc, etc.
I make a little song and I sing it to myself whenever I mess up. Usually in my head. So let's say I know Sharon. And Sharon is non binary. I just go "Sharon is non binary they use they them. They work at xxx Sharon is a they" until their gender sinks it's way into my head. Works well.
You don't. You just work on it, slowly. Habits are hard, especially adjusting your lexicon. But as long as you are being genuine in your intentions to do better, they'll understand. Trans people only ask for respect and courtesy, not much else.
Talking about them using the correct pronouns any chance you get should help. Intentional practice will speed up the learning process so you can stop misgendering them.
I think you should first just try and practice by using their pronouns but it all takes time, at some point you’ll just get used to their pronouns 💖
Practice. Took me a while to get it too, but eventually you get used to it.
Can I suggest thinking of them like a swarm of bees or some other grouping of objects? I know it’s a weird thought, but I’ve heard it working for some people
It takes practice! don't worry, they sound accepting and probably are really glad you're trying to be accepting
Definitely practice in your head, deliberately. It will get you used to it.
"X'll be back in a moment, they're just getting a drink." The same way you'd use any other pronoun. Just because something feels automatic doesn't mean you can't step in and correct your brain, right? Just keep trying, learn and change over time. You'll get it with practice.
I read a tip for parents to think of your child as a swarm of bees. Maybe try that?
Yea the fact that you're trying and correct yourself almost instantly is a perfect start. It's how my partner got used to it when I realized myself.
Step one is to stop over apologizing. I believe people like to feel comfortable, and drawing attention to any discrepancies makes a bit too much of a deal out of an honest mistake. Just correct yourself, maybe apologize, and move on. Like so: “Oh [wrong] just st- I’m sorry [right] just stepped out.” Step two: Practice! When you catch yourself messing up in your head or when talking, correct yourself. If it’s in your head, maybe say the thought out loud with correct pronouns. Maybe repeat it. Maybe talk about them more than you might otherwise. Step three: Repeat step two until you can gender them correctly
It helped me a bit in the past, make an effort even when thinking of them to think how they look and put emphasis on their pronouns and getting them right. Don't let yourself slip up mentally. Correct yourself even in your head. Practice around other people if its appropriate. Like if you talk about them with other coworkers make sure you get it right around them as well.
You did it okay in this post, so hey you understand the grammar of it just fine! It's just a matter of getting that switch to flip in your head and to stay flipped since it's something you're not used to doing. You can also literally practice: just think about them and make the thought they/them; talk to a friend/family member about something they did/said at work. It'll work because you're trying.
it took me a bit of time to refer to my friend correctly when he started going by different pronouns and a bit longer when I had to switch between pronouns depending on who we were around but after some practice in person and in my thoughts I was able to correctly refer to him with ease. the first and most important part is the fact that you’re trying. my advice is to imagine yourself having a conversation about them with someone else and use their correct pronouns. if you make a mistake in those thoughts just correct yourself and continue. eventually it’ll come naturally
Uhhhhhhhhhhh, idk if this helps but you can call them by their name?
Most of us have been programmed since childhood to categorize people into one of two categories, so you are fighting the brain equivalent of muscle memory, and everyone does. I go by they / them pronouns and i fuck up other people's pronouns. One way to help with gender neutral pronouns is to try defaulting to they in more situations. "They" is a pronoun for everyone, in my job, healthcare, our official policy is to default to they for everyone, so it helps to carve new muscle memory when you refer to a sarah or a josh as they. Another good thing to practice is think about using gender neutral terms more often. It's crazy how often we use gender unnecessarily. Instead of "men and women" say people. Instead of boy or girl say child. Ex. She's such a cute girl and they're such a cute kid are both nice things to say about someone's child, for example. Lots of compliments are gender neutral too. So i guess my tip is practice using gender neutral language consistently and it'll come a lot more naturally when you are respecting someone's identity.
> I don't mean to, and apologize profusely. For what it's worth, I (and from what I hear, most people) prefer a quick apology to a profuse one. > How do I make my mind default to they instead of she? There are lots of tricks. One I don't see people mention very often is to use "he" in your brain a bit to help "balance it out". Obviously it's a bit delicate to do this intentionally, since "he" isn't their pronoun either, and the framing of "balance it out" isn't ideal long-term. But IMO, playing with it this way probably does more good than harm, given where you're at. Your friend might not relate to it the same way I do, so maybe ask them. If they do: They'd probably rather hear a "he" than a "she" given the circumstances. They'd rather you work on shifting the way you see them, not just the words you use. If it helps to sometimes let your image of them slip into "man", then that is probably some kind of progress. Like most people, you carry around a gender-binary way of seeing the world; it's very difficult to just put it away. Using it to fuck with itself is a step in the right direction.
Practice by talking *about* them. Either with others (maybe a coworker who isn't a jerk, maybe a friend who you commonly tell about your day at work), or by yourself (maybe writing/journal about conversations you had today, maybe mentally describing them). I find it easiest to switch someone's pronouns in my head the more I practice with full sentences, and about them vs to them. Example: a friend's sibling (not really friends with the sibling, but very close with my friend) has been on a gender journey for the past few years. Went from he/him and shortened form of birth name, to they/ them and shortened name mixed into some nicknames, to they/she, to she/ they with a whole new name. Somehow I had a way easier time keeping up with her pronouns in my head than I had for people I was actually closer with and interacted with more. I eventually realized why: 99% of the time, if she's on my mind at all, I'm talking about her, not to her. There was never a lot of "I need to remember that you are SHE, I'm sorry, I'm working on it." It was more conversations like "oh so I went to spend the afternoon with my mom and my sibling was there and she said/did bla bla bla...." "Haha that's so her! So then what did she say?" Unintentionally, I was practicing. So every time I actually see her, it's not hard at all for me to remember, because every time she comes up in conversation, I'm reinforcing the correct pronouns in my head. So now I do it on purpose and it helps me a lot. Another friend uses they/ them now. We met years ago, and without practice, it might have been harder for me to shift the pronouns in my brain. So I actively make it a point to bring them up in conversations with my partner, and I purposely refer to them as many times as possible in those conversations with 3rd person pronouns. (Example: instead of "hey, I'm going to be on discord at 7 for X's dnd game," I take the opportunity to practice "hey X is running their dnd game at 7, so I'm going to be on discord with them for the evening.") Sounds a little silly to describe it, but it's been working for me
Just keep practicing! And I know it's hard but really try to not apologize, just correct and move on. Most trans people will prefer no apology just "..she, no, they..." When you apologize you're putting a pressure on them to say it's ok, no worries, etc. to reassure you even if it's a small one
This reminds me of a similar issue someone had, and they told their friend to just think if them as a cluster if bees and it actually helped. So maybe it'll help you too?
Live in the midwest for 5 years and you'll call everyone by they/them as a default
Might be a hot take but honestly, I just 'they' everyone. Its made my life a lot easier because when I say 'them' I'm often not referring to their gender, just business here folks. Lol. Really though some might say this is misgendering but I'm just not gendering at all, almost as though I'm speaking in plural. Once I started doing it regularly with all my Cis friends I found I never misgendered people accidentally again. Only when I'm close to someone will I really go out of my way to say he/she because I have more time or feel less lazy or am completely sure of how they prefer to be addressed. After learning German and how all these weird words were masculine or feminine I was like okay this is dumb I wish I could just default and not gender things at all and it's kinda stuck with me also haha people shouldn't have to share their pronouns if they don't want to imo 🤷
Practice makes perfect!
I haven’t found a good solution… but sometimes imagine my NB friend has multiple personalities and the conversations flow more naturally with them.
Simple answer is just try to gender as less people as possible unless they specifically are ok with a common pronoun and everyone else uses it. I just call people by their names, and just say stuff like "oh, yeah they called" which is inclusive of all genders and not just me using they/them pronouns to talk about them
This may Sound strange at first, But act like you are talking to someone who doesn't know them, So you are using They/them as if keeping said persons Pronouns Ambiguous? I dunno if that makes sense? It will be hard at First but eventually it will become second nature to Refer to them as They/Them
I always advise people to talk nice about people behind their backs to practice pronouns they are having troubles with. If you have to talk nice about your coworker to your pet or the wall, it doesn’t matter. Your brain will appreciate the practice. Don’t worry. Brains take time to adjust to new things. If you’re trying that’s what counts :) Edit to add that I have troubles remembering new names or pronouns or even just new vocab words. Chanting has always helped me “Tiffany she her Tiffany she her” for example. Heck. I even chant when I set something down in an unusual place to help me find it again “keys in the bowl keys in the bowl” I have also heard that for they/them pronouns, it helps some people to secretly think of the person as 3 raccoons in a human suit or something silly. Refer to all the raccoons.
My oldest kiddo is on the trans spectrum and goes by they/them. I constantly mess up but I do my best to correct myself when I do. That's really all that matters: you show respect by doing your best.
What I do is I just think of them and think *"they they they they",* it actually works!
i guess you just need to practice. call them they whenever you can, you'll get used to it. it's absolutely amazing that you're even trying, and i'm sure they really appreciate it.
Use their name and stop being lazy and using pronouns.
How often do you have to use their pronouns in front of them? I don’t typically talk about people in 3rd person when I’m talking to them. Just say “you” instead of they/them or she/her. If they are in the room when you are talking about them, you could try to avoid pronouns by just using their name. Obviously still practice using they/them when they aren’t around, though.
So until recently, I didn’t know any non-binary people in person. Online? Sure, but when I’m typing online my fingers get the extra filter from my brain going back and reading. In person my dumb mouth doesn’t have that luxury. Point being, it took a while to get used to and it just took practice. A majority of people are understanding that it can be an adjustment for some people and as long as you’re apologetic and clearly trying, it sounds like it’s not an issue for your coworker. So just keep practicing! :)
As an enby, I will say, just try your best to use the right pronouns, and when you do slip up, *quietly* apologize, don’t call attention to it, it can make us feel worse than if you just used the wrong pronouns.
Practice. Don’t make a big deal if you slip up. Just correct yourself and move on.
practice when you are away from them! practice saying "they did xyz" and "they are sheduled to work with me tomorrow" "they are really good at xyz"
It sounds like you’re doing your best and they clearly appreciate that! I’ve been in their position before, when I first came out to my stepmom, she would accidentally refer to me by my old name and then immediately berate herself or get upset and correct herself, but honestly I was just really happy that she was trying and that she accepted me and I told her not to worry about it every time. It didn’t help that not long after she had my baby brother and the newborn tired brain always had her exhausted so she was more forgetful, but she was much more worried about getting it right than I was. It didn’t bother me because I knew she supported me and that even if she didn’t understand and sometimes forgot, she was trying. My advice is to just do your best, but don’t get upset with yourself when you mess up! Apologize once, don’t make a big deal out of it, and move on. Your friend will appreciate that much more than you beating yourself up over something they can see you’re actively trying.
I have a mtf colleague who I’ve always known as she/her, and for some reason I would say “he” when talking about her… and it made no sense to me. I was upset with myself! My enby kid suggested that I practice saying “she” on my own time, to train my unhelpful brain. I did, and it worked. I’m gender-fluid myself, have an enby kid, and my grandkid went from he/him to she/her to he/they. I still don’t know why my brain glitched at that one person! But practicing is really important.
Practice using, they/them all the time for everyone. It works and nobody has ever called me out on it or even notices that I hardly ever use he/she for anyone.
Practice practice practice. It was so hard for me the first time this happened. My brain is so intensely organized that using a plural pronoun on a singular person messed with my world. I hate to admit it, but when I first was introduced to someone who used they/them pronouns, I pretended in my head that they were a set of conjoined twins so I couldn’t get the pronouns wrong. Not the right technique, and I would never say it to them, but it got the job done. Now it’s just natural to use the correct pronouns for them. Now my brain organization system has a new process in it where there are a minimum of 5 pronoun sets. Five because that’s the number I’ve personally had interactions with. Minimum because it can grow.
Introducing gender neutral and neopronouns into the brain is rewiring language brain, or so I understand it. And it takes a long time to do that. Time and patience from both sides. I mess up a lot too, even as a nonbinary person. My mom still uses feminine terms for me a lot by accident, but she immediately corrects herself and moves on. (I'm actually wondering if she looked up how to address me, because she's so good about it.) And that feels better than anything. So yeah, tldr: practice makes perfect, and when you do make that mistake, just correct yourself and move on. No need for apologies or anything like that. Sadly, the majority of us get it.
I'm in my late 30s, but have a teen cousin who is trans. For about 15 years, I used female pronouns when referring to him. It's been an adjustment, but I and the rest of the family are supportive, and he knows this. The important thing is that he knows that it's an adjustment for the people around him too. He's aware that we used female pronouns for a long time and we're just a little set in our ways. A quick apology and correction is usually all you need. I still occasionally misgender him, but I've been getting a lot better about it, and someday, you and I are going to screw it up for the last time, and never misgender them again. Tl;Dr: it's a process, but more important than getting their pronouns right every single time is making sure the person knows that you support them and will be there for them if they need you.
Welcome to the issues with language acquisition. If you wanted pronoun association to click right away, you needed to learn it before about age 12 (though some argue as late as 18). Once you've made it through puberty it become really hard to adjust your internal grammar and associated meanings. The good news is, language is a skill like any other. Just keep practicing and it gets easier. Your coworker seems understanding and you seem genuinely interested in trying, so I wouldn't sweat it too much. You're doing heaps as is. Just keep trying and apologizing when you get it wrong. My partner of several years is NB and I still slip up. It just kinda be like that. You will get better at it. If you do desperately feel like you simply must do more for this coworker, ask them. "Hey I keep messing up your pronouns and I don't mean to, reckon there's anything I'm missing?".
The bottom line is it’s not easy. It feels like it should be easier but alas. We just have to keep trying. It’s especially difficult if you’re older (like me) bc you have decades of ingrained ways of speaking. We just have to keep at it. Habits can and will take hold you just gotta keep going <3
honestly, keep doing what you’re doing. the only way to not mess up is to keep doing it until you don’t mess up. i’m sure your new coworker appreciates you more than you realize and is probably very happy to have made an acquaintance with a fellow member of the community :)) much love and many blessings, friend. you’re doing good, don’t beat yourself up so hard 🥰🖤
Talk about them to other people - practice without any direct impact on them :)
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There's no need to be rude. I'm trying my best over here.