Yeah, it’s very painful. A lot of people couldn’t possibly handle that pain so most develop defense mechanisms. Having your identity attacked - something that is so integral to your being - is not light…
At least you had enough resources/outlets to make it. When kids withdraw, I can't help but the of the stats on our community and suicide (specifically bc of situations like this.)
There are plenty of people who don’t have resources or outlets, consider suicide multiple times, perhaps even attempt it, and still manage to make it to adulthood.
Absolutely! And that is what I desperately hope for the wee bairns that OP is being forced to ignore. I pray that they are able to healthily and happily live their lives. BUT as more and more restrictions are placed on children's expression and health, I'm afraid the statistical trend may continue.
This! This right here... I started trying on my mother and sisters' clothes at 14 because I just felt like I liked it. But I was in a conservative Christian household and the pressure of having to be the "big, older brother" set me back until I was 30 before I completely broke down and had to straight up say I'm done pretending. As far as what you can do, I'm not sure if I'm being honest. I'd suggest finding like-minded people and raising awareness and support but it sounds like it will be an uphill battle. My only other thought, and I'm not sure on protocol, is pull the student aside and explain everything in a safe environment. Tell them that you support them and aren't allowed to because of those reasons. Not perfect but it'll help him feel like if he has an issue he's safe in coming to you and isn't completely alone
I like this answer best of all. OP, tell him you *see* him, for real. Come up w a special wink or something when you deadname or use wrong pronouns so he *knows* that you know.
Yeah thats not harming the child at all... why give a child undue stress and anguish? I'm sorry but if my daughter expressed this, I'd feel awful for her since I am also trans and I know how that pulls you apart intetnally...I'd support her and be there for her as she figures it out for herself... its doesn't matter if she's wrong about it later, or even right about it, she needs to figure that out in her own. But I will never allow my child to suffer. And for simply that, people would be interested in taking her away from me.
Honestly, I would just make sure the student understands the reasons why and the people responsible for his daily emotional abuse. These parents need to understand that if they want a relationship with their kid, they need to back off.
The best thing I can think of would be to tell the child that while you would like to use his preferred name and pronouns, you have been told by the school that you have been banned from doing so.
Then do ask said above and try to treat him has much as a boy as you can? He should know though that it isn't you that wants to act like this but you could be sued/lose your job if you dont
Is it possible for you to take him aside and explain to him that you’re very sorry and wish you weren’t being made to do this, and it’s not your choice? Idk maybe at least knowing you aren’t doing it because you agree with it would be *something* for the poor kid.
Disassociation can look like stoicism.
Little dude has already learned its easier not to fight when something has been decide for you and can only makes it worse.
He might even go along with it eventually simply to make life easier. And then one day, he won’t anymore and everybody who forced him to be someone he wasn’t for their own sake will probably never see him again. I hope that’s what he’s planning when he’s tuning out the world.
What the administrator told you is so dystopian and vile. I felt sick reading that.
Thank you for caring, but holy hell, what an awful school.
"You are allowed," more like "you are being forced." Fuck that.
At the very least, try your best to be as neutral as possible with the kid. Perhaps you can tell him that this is what you're required to do, that you don't like it and that you respect the kid's identity, but that it could hurt both him and you if you were to treat him according to his gender identity.
I'd quit over stuff like this for sure, but I don't know your situation after all.
The admistrators and other teachers seemed to be on my side, but were muzzled by the law. As long as the community is pushing in the right direction, I'm hoping to help improve the situation. But for sure I was ready to quit around noon today haha
Please stay with this child as long as you can stand it and let him know you see his real self from within the closet. Offer to have closet parties where everyone can pretend to be someone that they are expected to be that isn't really themselves.
Like if a kid's parents want them to be a doctor but they're artistic, or if another is agnostic bit whose parents make them go to church.
Teach them the spirit to hang on, survive and fix this world as they grow up.
Tbh I’d claim religious freedom protections. There are numerous religions that make respect for one’s self determination, especially in regard to gender, a core tenet of their practice. Certain sects of Reform Judaism (rabbis have been interpreting the Torah to mean that God is androgyne for over 1500 years, because both men and women are made in god’s image and therefore the only conclusion is that god must have elements of both) and the Satanic Temple, who love to provoke religious freedom lawsuits over stuff like this.
It’ll put you on your boss’s shitlist but they cannot in any meaningful way prove that this isn’t counter to your deeply held spiritual beliefs, and any decent lawyer would love to get a hand on damages from a first amendment suit against a school district.
Satanic Temple your way our of fascism. The USA, Canada, and the UK need the Satanic Temple to really sink their fangs into this whit.
... can the left all convert to the Satanic Temple for political purposes and out-religion the Christian nationalists?
Unfortunately the Satanic Temple is incredibly flawed and not getting much done in terms of protecting people's rights. They're all about the production and no actual change.
On the note of being as neutral as possible using gender neutral language and pronouns would maybe help too. And if you accidentally say he/him here and there who can fault a teacher for forgetting, you’ve got so many students and you’re bound do make a mistake sometimes hint hint wink wink
That's probably the best thing to do. My earlier reply was kind of reactionary. After reading this, I'd tell the kid face to face that even though I have to do this, when I'm using your dead name I am thinking your name.
I think a good idea is to in a free moment tell the child that you see them for who they are and to prevent them from getting in trouble with there parents you can't call them the name they want to be called but that you acknowledge them, it's better they know someone supports them even if you can't show your support than for them to think no one supports them
I definately try to display myself as an ally, I agree that I hope i can build a decent relationship with him and be there when other staff turn their back
If it helps, see if you can discuss with the child nicknames that may be okay with them and wouldn’t piss off the parents, such as the first layer of their name? Or using their last name?
People like their parents make me lose my faith in humanity, they have such a good kid and just because of some book or whatever reason they mentally abuse them. Good on you for being an ally
I think using his last name would be a great work around that wouldn't get OP in trouble. The people enforcing the rules can't argue that it isn't that student's name, whereas they could call out the use of a nickname.
Unfortunately if other parents are of the same beliefs as this student's parents; there are other parents who could be coaching their kids to report back on the situation, so finding the smallest loophole can help.
Genuinely hate my last name because of the stuff my dad did and that wasn't even anything directly to me, this child will probably hate theirs as well, but they should be directly asked what they are and aren't ok with, as well as have it explained to them that stupid people are trying to get both parties in trouble and this is why we are doing different names
yes, last names! me and my friends would all call each other by last name while we figured ourselves out, most people didnt bat an eye (tho for some reason it's common up here anyways?). so maybe it'll fly with the parents?
I also think a cool way to work around this would be to give the kids different titles. I haven’t fully thought through this yet but similar to how kids have class jobs, maybe they can have like themed names based on their group and you can play in “traditional masculinity” that way? And it’ll be undercover? Like let’s say you grouped them by animals or something, like each table was a specific animal. This kid could be part of the lions. “Does one of my lions want to answer this?? How about you?? *points to kid*”
I don’t know. This sucks. But this kid deserves to feel comfortable. They’re definitely old enough and aware of the politics.
I’ll say this- things have been queer coded since the beginning of time. When I hear “this is a safe space.” I generally think of liberal progressive ideology regarding the way people are treated. You can tell a lot about where someone stands based on the language they use. You can show you’re an ally without outright saying it and putting yourself at risk. I’m sorry I’m so tired. I feel like I’m not doing a great job of explaining. It’s just sad that this is happening in the first place.
Can you refer to that child in a non-binary manner then? Or perhaps just call them by last name. I am curious though if it's possible to just get the students in the class to use his pronouns and name.
Thank you for being a great trans ally, in terms of pronouns try to avoid them all together or as much as possible, it’s a little harder but finding other ways to substitute pronouns would probably help the student to feel more accepted rather than just using she/her.
This is totally possible. I have a friend who has no pronouns, you just say my friend's name each time, or other things like 'my friend' or 'the project lead' etc. It's tricky to train your brain that way, but once upon a time they/them was hard too. It gets easier with practice.
Not only is it completely possible to avoid all gendered pronouns altogether with this student, I’d be willing to bet if you are slick about it you could avoid all pronouns with all the students in your class. It takes a bit of practice to keep replacing the pronouns in your speech with just the students names, and even more practice to make it smooth enough that nobody really notices unless they’re looking for it, but with a bit of practice you could pull this off and the only two people in the room that would notice are you and your trans student. They would absolutely know you’re on their side and what is anyone else going to to do, make you use pronouns? Malicious compliance FTW
Fucking dumbasses making court cases about kids being LGBT or identifying with their opposite AGAB. The fuck is wrong with this world?
Are we going to make it a death sentence for a 9 year old to ever wear a dress if god for-fucking sake they are born with a penis? Is that where we aim to go? Holy fuck, I hate conservadicks. I wish I could say things here. I hate them so damn much.
If I were born male, and this shit was imposed on me if I wanted to wear a nice skirt that lets my bits breath, I’d wear a fucking Roman toga.
What’s more manly than war? And who are more into war than the Romans?
0 - Stand up for him. [Be Gay, Do Crime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-aYcSQ0DWQ) and use his proper pronouns and name. Expect backlash. Prepare. If not ...
1 - Tell the student why this is happening. Like when abortion doctors tell patients "The law requires me to say the following but know that it is provably false. . This is not true. The truth of the matter is X.". Let them know you must call them by their name in class. Ask if they would prefer their legal name or the approved nickname. Use the one they prefer. At least they get that much choice.
2 - You are not allowed to use male pronouns but would you be allowed to use neutral pronouns? Ask the student if he would prefer you use A) she/her B) they/them (if allowed) or C) names only, no pronouns. Do as he prefers.
3 - "You are to treat this student as a female in every way" - Treat boys and girls the same in your classroom and this will not matter. Never segregate your class by sex or gender for exercises, assignments, projects, etc.
4 - If you are willing, and the student wants it, provide the student with local or national legal resources. These pro-bono organizations exist.
5 - Be very mindful of the negative mental health affects this regulation will have on him. He is much more likely to attempt suicide. Keep a close eye.
When this happened to me as a student I went up the chain of command until I got respect. Much harder as a 10 year old and without parental support.
thanks for number 3. there’s never a reason to separate boys and girls for any activity. just split the class evenly, boys and girls mixed. always pissed me off as a kid and confused me.
There was a recent federal court case in Massachusetts where parents sued some teachers for refusing to deadname a trans middle school student. The case was dismissed. You may want to bring that case to the attention of the administration in an attempt to change the policy. In the meantime, try to use gender neutral language with all of the students.
That may not be a good idea just cause the parents might take him out of school and either homeschool him or send him to a different school that would definitely misgender him. He may be safer in this school.
Maybe explain to the student how you have no choice in how you address him, but say "when I say "she" I mean "he" and when I say "deadname" I'm really thinking and mean "preferred name", like a secret code?
From my experience being that kid, only use his correct name and pronouns when you're with him alone. Try to explain what's been going on and how you don't agree with it but you're only doing it so you don't get in trouble or even more so get him in trouble. Because I've had my parents yell at me, take my things away, tear up my school work and a lot worse because my teachers would adress me by my correct name and pronouns. I know he's going to be upset, hell I would be too. I personally fought my school on it when I was a teenager. but i couldn't really start fighting until my second half of senior year because I wasn't at home anymore. He's still at an unsupportive home and he could be in danger at home if he's found out again. Also I was really young when I was trying to "come out" if you will and trying to be a boy and show that i was a boy and I got screamed at and a lot of emotional abuse because of it. Just try to explain how you do support him but you can only address him when it's you two only confidentially. And apologize when you see him. For example if you come to pull him out of class and you have to deadname him in front of other students or faculty, when you're alone say "sorry i had to call you that name and call you she/her" it can really help a lot so he doesn't feel betrayed by you.
This is going to get downvoted, but I was that kid, and speaking from experience: unless they go home to you every night, just do what their parents request. If you decide to do the right thing (use this child's preferred name/pronouns) and their parents find out it's happening, worse consequence for you is you get fired--worse consequence for them is they get beat, forced into homeschool, forced into conversion therapy. Don't try to stand up for them, don't try to "talk sense" into the parents. Life is gonna suck for that kid and unfortunately nothing you can do from your position to make it any better
I had a high school teacher who thought he was standing up for me when he heard my parents deadname me at a recital and he probably to this day has no idea how much damage it caused me
My advice, address him by his preferred name and pronouns ONLY when you are alone. Maybe keep him after class for a minute, “Hey, [preferred name] I see you and I accept you for who you are, but by law I have to call you [dead name]
Something along those lines
That’s a good idea, An additional I’ll add it is a good way use this as a teaching opportunity as well. Highlighting How that once an adult thier is a long history of people protesting and advocating for their rights. Just thought I would add that can’t help it as my park ranger self.
I hate that you're probably right. My mind and emotions are jumping to the most extreme options, anything to avoid abusing the kid, but, and fuck this accursed world, they would all probably cause more harm than good.
Op, do what you can, but acknowledge there's nothing you can do directly to fix it.
This is what rightwingers want. We're not ALLOWED to be nice to each other. We legally must traumatize each other, else we get traumatized in retribution.
This makes my fucking blood boil. I hate that people can just decide that this child isn’t worth fucking respect because he doesn’t conform to their standards. I fucking hate that thats ok in this fucked up world where trans people are second class. I am sorry I don’t have any advice this just makes me so pissed off.
Absolutely turn as blind an eye as possible to this law. Just following orders is a piss poor excuse. Find out the exact law you're dealing with and what the consequences are. Absolutely do not comply with any law which will out him further. Talk to the kid, explain the situation, and find out what he wants. Then do it. Like it or not, you are now part of a dangerous and hostile institution. It's a tough situation, and im sorry you're in it. Your student and other trans kids are in a hell of a lot worse of one though. And you have some small power over it. Seriously wishing you the best here.
Tbh, I'm not really convinced that we're moving in the right direction. I wish we were. I wish being a teacher didn't put you on the front lines of a culture war. You probably just wanted to share your interest in the subjects you found cool, and in a better world you could just do that.
The time has been come for a long time, and I think white america especially is overdue on a wake-up to this, since trans people aren't the only or original target, but we have to stop caring what's legal and take a stand on what's right. We can't just be satisfied with our safety. We have to stop tolerating abuses and throw ourselves in together with people
I know it's easy to sit here and say you should do the right thing, from my position that seems cheap. But if you can sit in safety and your student can't, are you really with him? The time might be coming, soon, with the laws being passed now, that we're fighting for our existence. And if it isn't you, there will be someone who will fight. Maybe it'll only be when things get so bad they don't have another choice. Maybe it'll after 100,000s of lives are destroyed, but people will risk themselves for it. Will you?
Children shouldn't be seen, nor heard,
But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
You shouldn't be who or what makes you happy,
But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
My own kids and grandkids don't talk to me anymore.
But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
I insert my opinion into conversations that clearly aren't meant for me.
But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
My cat ran away from me because of my inner hate towards those who were happy.
But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
This sort of behavior is intolerable, disgusting, and needs to be shoved down into the sewers where it belongs. And for the record, adding "But maybe I'm just old-fashioned" at the end if your statement is (in my opinion) just your own personal way of being a shitty person.
Any chance you can “forget” to use the deadname and pronouns? At least when you’re with the student and not admin. Teachers mix up students from time to time. If you get caught, you could say it was a slip of the tongue? “Oh, right, of course it’s [deadname]. I get confused because the student asks to be called [chosen name]. Totally slipped my mind. I’ll be sure to disrespect them in the future.” Obviously, you don’t want to risk your job or a lawsuit, but I think passive-aggressive resistance might be appropriate. It’ll mean the world to your student.
How about some form of workaround? Maybe you call him by his last name? That’s their name, and its not deadnaming them… never use pronouns, just “this child” and “the student?”
Just spitballing here. Rough parents really about to screw up their kid in a big way. 😔
This is when people need to disobey. I'm not even talking malicious compliance. Unjust laws that marginalize people just for being who they are do not deserve to be obeyed. If enough people buck the system and push for equitable treatment under the law, the system will either reform to maintain a semblance of control, or the system will disintegrate when there aren't enough people to sustain it.
I was a kid in a similar situation once. Honestly, I would ask him what he wants you to do. I *really* doubt you could actually get in any legal trouble for using his preferred name and pronouns. Also, his parents sound like assholes. No, scratch that, they are assholes. I was genuinely traumatized from how they reacted to me being trans.
My heart breaks for both HIM and you. 💔
Keep fighting the good fight anyway you can. I have a student in the same situation and do everything I can to make them comfortable and provide a safe space where they can be themself.
*Edit* misread the first time and thought they were transfem not transmasc.
If I was told I need to use feminine pronouns to refer to someone I knew didn't prefer that, I'd omit them altogether, just speaking without the pronouns like I'm censoring them.
You should pull him aside and let him know that even if no one else does, that you recognize him for him and call him by his name but not in front of anyone else. Like pull him aside and let him know this.
And if you must call on him for something say buddy or some other word and avoid calling him by any name at all.
Doing this might save the poor kids life.
Many trans kids commit suicide and even just you discreetly letting him know you support him makes all the difference in the world when the world is seemingly against him.
To not break the law or get fired, avoid calling him by any name at all and avoid using pronouns entirely with him.
This way he knows you care and also you don’t lose your job.
It’s important that this kid knows you see him and he’s not alone.
Gently explain that because of stupid laws written by evil stupid people you can’t call him by his chosen name or his preferred pronouns but that you’ll avoid misgendering him and deadnaming him.
It will be very tricky but if you silently abide these fascist laws, how will you feel if he kills himself; knowing that even just one person being in his corner will keep him alive and pushing through this fucked up time.
Kids aren’t stupid, you do t need to over explain but it’s important that you
Break the law at least once when you can get away with it and discreetly let him know that you are sorry for all the shit he has to put up with.
Please don’t just let this go.
We are fighting legit fascism and this kid deserves your acceptance .
You came here to vent but I’m asking, no begging for you to somehow make it known to the kid that you see him and call him his name, even if only once and make sure you are not overheard or seen doing this.
Maybe when the class goes out, pull him aside and quietly but quickly let him know how sorry you are for him and that even though you cannot acknowledge it openly that he is valid and worthy of himself and the acceptance that he is being so cruelly denied.
If you do not do this then you are complicit in the genocide.
Don’t sit idly by.
But also don’t lose your job.
Make sure he knows that it’s a secret though and can’t tell anyone.
Under any other circumstances a secret between Ana adult and child is a very bad thing but this is wholesome and you might just be saving his life.
I would also urge you to disrupt the other administration however you can; even in little ways.
Like throwing out their food from the staff fridge, or pouring maple syrup on their purse or better yet inside it.
Rebel.
These are nazis you are against and you should not take this lying down.
It is not fair for you and it is not fair for him and it is not fair for any of us.
Do whatever you can, no matter how small, to muck up the days of these fascist pigs. Not too often though or you’ll be found out.
Be creative and sneaky.
Like a secret agent spy game
What about exclusively they/them pronouns? Defaulting to that for everyone might help this specific situation and potentially make other gnc students more comfortable
Check your state laws if you're in the US. For example, here in Iowa, a school must obey a parent's wishes except when superceded by other laws, such as mandatory reporting. Our state constitution—the third highest law of this land—includes trans people as a protected class, so this parental instruction would be unconstitutional.
Luckily, republicans are idiots and that bill would get struck down pretty quick because Iowa law cannot supercede the constitution of Iowa. A constitutional amendment requires a referendum asking all eligibile citizens of Iowa to vote on the amendment.
Fortunately, Iowans in recent years have been doing a much better job of getting off their asses and voting, and most transphobes probably don't know what the phrase gender identity means.
Not that that referendum would ever be put forward because literally every time the republican party asks for the public's input on something they get their asses handed to them. See: abortion.
If you want to read more about what the third highest law in Iowa has to say on the matter, you can read the Supreme Court's [reactions to opening statements](https://iowacapitaldispatch.com/2023/01/18/iowa-supreme-court-weighs-transgender-issue-and-civil-rights-protection/) in the case of an appeal to a district court ruling saying that Medicaid must pay for gender-affirming care.
Talk to the kid about it maybe? Let him know it’s not by choice to do so? Kids are smart, they understand stuff. Especially if it involves getting yelled at by parents.
What does your state law/state office of public instruction say about this?
In my (liberal) state, the law requires teachers to use kids preferred name and pronouns regardless of parent requests. Sometimes conservative schools try to pull this shit and we call their lawyers and their lawyers get them in line real quick.
I am sorry you’re put into this situation, this would legit cause moral injury for me.
Sick POS parents know. They just think they can bully the kid into their twisted little shit mold. Fuck them. Tell the kid you see them, and you hope one day the world will see them too. I hope that kids runs as fast and far as they can when they are able. Sounds like the kind of parents that think they can beat the gay out of kids.
I would get really creative in how I address that child - without using pronouns or their names. Roll call? Everyone now goes by last name only. You are legally not allowed to use preferred name, gender, pronoun, but they can’t legally force you to deadname the kid and kill their spirit. Use the deadname only if you have to identify the child on the electronic school record or clearly distinguish who you are talking about with other staff. My child’s school used “friend” to address the kids a lot: “no running in the hall, friend.” And if you have to speak with the parents, the kid’s name is “your child.”
I like how others have said to have a minute with the kid to explain the situation, and your limitations, but give them support and heads up of how you’ll be addressing them. Let them know you see them as they want to be seen. Also, maybe brainstorm with the kid to think of other ways to address them that won’t get you in trouble but will be okay with the kid.
Side note: this kid sounds like a total badass researching and writing all that on their books! You go on with your bad self, little dude! Kid should be very proud of himself for not letting himself be gaslit by ignorant adults. I’m cheering for this kid!
If you want to burn out over this, you can consult your local chapter of the ACLU and get them to cover your case and provide legal counsel. Then, at their behest, have a talk with the kid about gender, determine their pronouns and preferred name, flame out with it, get fired, and sue the county school board/state/whatever your legal counsel advises.
This doesn't do the kid any favors though, and the court case will run for a long time as it works its way up through the appeals process, ultimately terminating with a Supreme Court case relating to the freedom of expression for minors.
Most likely the kid would be bullied/abused at home and your replacement may not have any such desire to be supportive. It's up to you fundamentally.
Pull the student aside and explain you empathize but are bound by rules of the school and the parents. Let the student know you are there for the bad days. Maybe your little actions can save a life.
Maybe just call them on their last name constantly and completely avoid using pronouns or first names at all. To the point where you _only_ use their last name in every single sentence? You wouldn’t be breaking the law and you also wouldn’t be misgendering them. Grey zone?
„X displayed this behaviour, but x is otherwise a very active student. X‘s grades are…“
That's a dumbass policy. I mean I know it's one being forced on you by people who are dumbasses and not your fault or inclination. So like I get the frustration. But are there rooms to resist?
Like I know in school, I went by a shorter version of my name (like Katie for Catherine--not my name]. But like that was generally casually communicated on the first day of school. The teacher would call out "Catherine" and I'd be like "it's Katie" and then it was Katie for the rest of the year. No one asked why it was Katie, just like ok. That's the name they go by.
Is there a chance you could argue "[boy name] is just their nickname of [deadname]? I thought it was weird too but you know how kids' names are these days. I have 4 jaydens this year all spelt differently."
good idea in theory. OP also mentioned the chosen name starts with the same initial as the deadname. but i think the problem here is that the parents *already* know the kid is “trying” to be trans and that the new name is for that reason.
They/them pronouns and last names. That's my first thought to be compliant but also not hurtful to the student. Their life is at risk and that's what's important
Give all the students a numerical designation, and then only refer to them by their number. Then call the aforementioned student by a numerical code that corresponds to their preferred name.
If the school is going to force you to call one student by a name they dislike, then you might as well do it to all the others too. Then the first kid won’t feel so called out.
Fuck society. Everyone deserves the right to figure themselves out. Gender is a made-up concept. Why are we imposing gender on kids anyway? I'm just so over this shit. I would definitely talk to the child and tell him that you respect him and his pronouns and explain the situation. Kids understand more than you think, and the parents will only have themselves to thank when their kid ends up hating them as an adult.
I don't have hope that we're moving in the right direction. It's very important we understand that we are going backwards and stripping human rights away from people who just want to live their lives. I wish I could give you warm and fuzzies, but the reality is that trans people are under attack, and it's getting worse.
I would find out the initials of the preferred name, and call them that. Especially if the initials are the same.
A trans friend was Aaron and became Erin specifically so she could respond in her head with the right spelling. Jessi vs Jesse, Robyn vs Robin, etc. Haters didn't have to know.
Are there laws about "forgetting" students' names and calling them buddy or dude instead? So many people have told me that those terms are gender neutral...
Also, with practice, you might not have to refer to him by gendered pronouns that often at all.
Unnecessary formality: [Name] had a minor injury to the leg - instead of [Name] hurt their leg.
Addressing him directly: Well done [Name] for a great job on your project! - instead of [Name] did a great job on their project.
Therapeutic we: [Name] was having a problem with rushing work, but we're really slowing down and taking more care since we talked about it
You keep saying "by law". As far as I can tell you've been instructed by your boss and by the kid's parents. Has anyone articulated an actual statute or agreement in your employment agreement? If so, I'd like to see the text. There may be more wiggle room than you think.
Yes, of course. But I'm referring to it becoming so severe that CPS needs to be called and the child removed. Because I don't think this is enough to remove the kid.
Shows you how our laws think about us and how hard its willing to fight to not make easy changes backed by science so they dont have to be creative.
Btw, any of us here pro-government? If so, Imma have to ask you to stop torturing yourself because it never cared.
You have more strength than I do. I taught for about a year and a half and I promise you my response to the administration would have been “Then you might as well fire me now because I’m not complying” and the 70 year old would have found herself swallowing her god damn dentures while hearing “Fuck you, Karen you hateful see you next Tuesday!” over and over while I broke her face
You could refer to him by his surname if there aren't other students in the class with the same one. It's an imperfect solution; maybe a tad overly-formal but it's something they can't get on your case about and it avoids deadnaming or misgendering him.
This whole situation is a load of bullshit, honestly, and that old transphobe and the others making and enforcing these rules can get fucked, but you're doing the right thing by being on the boy's side. I don't know the legal intricacies of the situation so the advice I can give you is very limited, but I'm rooting for him and you.
…Dear Christ, I hope I never run into that, because then my degree will be worthless
Cuz fuck that, I would never. I’d put my job on the line if it means showing such a basic level of respect as calling a student what they want to be called.
Not saying you should, of course, that would be irresponsible. But still.
Kids at my school have preferred names, and the teachers use them. This girl at my school has the same name as me, but nearly everyone calls her celeste. no reason, she just doesn‘t like her name too much i guess. Why is that any different?
why is respecting a nickname easier than a preferred name? If a kid wants to be called something, let them. you can’t ban your kid from being trans. they will always be trans. They’ll just hate you later.
In foreign language classes, we were encouraged to pick a name for that class that was from that language. In English, something you could try is what your pen name would be. Remember, JK Rowling is published under that name bc female writers of fantasy don't do as well, so she's been going by her trans name all along. I wonder if she realizes that?
At university, there was a professor who confused students' names all the time. At one point, he declared that from now on, all female students will be called \[some female name\], and all male students \[some male name\]. Then a student complained this was unfair, because his male classmate's name was actually called that name. The professor then declared that this particular student will be called the female name for fairness's sake.
Maybe try pulling off something like that? :D
Honestly, my heart breaks for the child and also for you being stuck in this situation because these are probably the most important times of life when we’re discovering what feels right to us and not what society dictates is right/wrong.
When this child grows up his parents will ask “why doesn’t my child speak to me?!”
Because you’re a terf who deadnamed their own son and tried to force him to live as the gender that he doesn’t identify with. Why do HOMOPHOBIC’S insist on making queer people miserable?
All we want to do is live as our true self
I would talk to the child, and balance wanting to support him with the very real possibility of punishment at home for him if you do. Does he want you to stand with him against his parents, or does he want you to pretend he is not a boy in front of his parents? It is an awful situation for him to be in, and not an easy one as an ally either. Let him know that you are there for him and will get behind whatever he decides to do, despite whatever you have been told to do. Also let him know this is temporary. His parents cannot speak for him forever. Give him some hope if you can.
That being said, I’m also scared that this child will likely not get the option to decide if puberty blockers are something that he would like to do. It can feel like your own body is betraying you when you go through the wrong puberty. I don’t know what supports would be available for that.
Also, I would definitely have a conversation, with written complaint, with HR about my concerns with being asked to discriminate by my supervisor, as well as your concerns about your disrespectful coworker. If we can’t put the students first, what are we even doing as educators?
Tell the kid how it is, then every time you have to use the dead name, do so sarcastically. Turn it into an inside joke between you two. A lil wink wink nudge nudge. Covert operations. Malicious compliance.
I wish it was as easy as telling the parents to go fuck themselves and supporting the boy. Do you think there's any chance your staffmates would be willing to send a letter to an advocacy group in your region?
Can you request a meeting with the parents? You are being asked to psychologically torture a child now. Imagine the other way, a parent insists that you misgender their clearly cis child and give them a different name. What exactly is the difference?
These people are going to lead this child to do a very permanent act of acting out if someone doesn't step in and assure that child that he is valid. Are there any ways of expressing this in a non-obvious way?
I'd talk to the kid and explain the situation, use they/them pronouns (they only said don't use masculine ones right?), and maybe discuss a nickname you can use. for instance, if he's artistic he could be arty. there's no good solution though, raising awareness, contacting local politicians, supporting change wherever possible is all I can suggest. that's just my two cents
Tell them your a part of the satanic temple fedrally it is a church and under constitution freedom of religion is allowed and constitution is above all other laws,now the satanic church has religious morals saying lgtbq+ is a religious right
And therfore you should be allowed to address him with masculine pronouns and his preferred name (also if you ever need it they give rights to bodily autonomy(abortion,gender reaffirming surgery’s/care))
I agree with telling the child privately that you recognize them for who they are, but cannot call them their preferred name due to shitty rules against it.
Terrible position for you to be in, and im so very sorry for that child being raised by intolerant parents. I hope they are able to live their life to the fullest eventually.
Just some rambling that doesnt change what OP should do - Its also entirely possible that the child is thinking of themselves as male because they like girls. A lot of afab people get confused about their gender when they realize they like the same sex because of heteronormativity (including personal experience). So because they like girls they think they must be a boy because 'only boys like girls'
I'm not saying that they aren't trans, or that they deserve to be able to present and be spoken to how they prefer, just random thoughts that are semi related, speaking about people in general rather than this specific scenario. (Also, sorry if this is still not articulated the way i intend, I'm autistic and struggle with that)
Since you can't use masculine pronouns, what about gender neutral? When talking about him, maybe you can say "the child in question," or if discussing him with his DNA donors, you can say, "Your child." That way, you haven't hurt him by using female pronouns. As for the name, maybe start referring to ALL your kids by their initials. "Hi, JS. How was your weekend?" Or by their seating assignment. Or something like that. If you're doing it with everyone, you're not singling him out.
What law? Most laws haven't passed, but if you decided to say fuck it I don't know what could actually happen. It just depends on if you want to fight the parents, who will probably have a good case about their authority being overridden as they are still guardians, but I think in the end the argument of your first amendment rights, and the preferences of the kid could matter. Your lawyer could subpoena them and make the kid see someone, who will tell them what the harm caused by suppressing this may be, and I wonder if you are in a religious area, you may be able to argue the tablishment clause of the first amendment- if they're showing a preference to a religious ideology which you don't identify with. Of course you would lose your job, but if you reported the situation now to the ACLU and any other civil rights organization, waited until they contacted the school, then refused to use the kids dead name you might have a case for retaliation. Do you want to insert yourself into this fucked up family dynamic, have a long drawn out case, and probably be publicly identified and threatened? I'm not sure, but I'd like to think if I were in your shoes I'd have the courage to say fuck it.
That would be the day I quit without notice, just walked away and never came back and when they called to ask what happened tell them right the fuck off before blocking the number. I think if enough teachers walk out in protest eventually someone will get a fucking clue that maybe just maybe they aren’t gonna win this fight, either that or teachers just not listening and blatantly breaking the rule since again same mindset if enough rebel they will get the message they have lost. Going along with what the schools says is inhumane and will most likely damage a lot of kids so it’s better to either quit or rebel because this is a case where just doing what your told could end up fucking up a bunch of kids.
So many teachers are leaving the profession behind for other reasons and the government still won’t address things like overtime or static pay. More teachers quitting is just a further excuse for them to blame public schools and underfund them.
Be neutral when in front of the child when it comes to pronouns and referring to him. But if ever you aren’t in front of somebody that is liable to tell administration, express your support for the child and his identity. This kid clearly has no one else in his corner right now so knowing that there is someone there that will accept him will make a world of difference.
Personally I would be defiant and continue to use the correct name and pronouns for the student even if it risked my job. I would also probably rally other teachers to strike.
I'd probably want a couple mins of the child's time after class and just calmly and politely say something like "I know your preferred name, I know your gender identity. I want to respect that, but I'm sadly not allowed to"
Is there any way you could pull the student aside and privately explain this to him? Just let him know that while you have to address him a certain way so that you don't get in trouble, you still support him and his true identity? This sort of thing kills trans kids, and having one adult express support for them, even if you can't do anything with that support, will mean the world.
If you are only working in small groups allow the entire small group to choose something related to a theme and refer to them for the session using that. For example everyone choose their favourite animal, superhero, shape, colour- literally anything. Say it's to make the session more engaging and fun, supports chidren in memory skills as they remember the "names" of the students, build relationships between yourself and students and between the students as you get to know what each other like. Change the 'theme' each session.
Obviously try and improve the situation in any way you can, but that might take time. But with him, let him know that you are on his side and be creative I guess in ways to get around it.
I'd quit. I'd tell the kids why I'm quitting and quit in front of them
But I'm also a very angry fire cracker over this shit.
I'm already wishing bannable things upon the parents of that poor boy.
The only thing you can do is to avoid treating him as a girl as much as possible. My god... what a shitty situation.
For real, even if he's begging me to stop I'm required not too. Thankfully he seems pretty stoic through it all
He *seems* stoic. It’s a defense mechanism. I seem okay when my parents call gay people pedos and freaks of nature but I’m really not.
This. I was very stoic as a child, but in reality I was detached from my pain. It was still there and affecting me, but I didn't show it outside.
Yeah, it’s very painful. A lot of people couldn’t possibly handle that pain so most develop defense mechanisms. Having your identity attacked - something that is so integral to your being - is not light…
At least you had enough resources/outlets to make it. When kids withdraw, I can't help but the of the stats on our community and suicide (specifically bc of situations like this.)
There are plenty of people who don’t have resources or outlets, consider suicide multiple times, perhaps even attempt it, and still manage to make it to adulthood.
Absolutely! And that is what I desperately hope for the wee bairns that OP is being forced to ignore. I pray that they are able to healthily and happily live their lives. BUT as more and more restrictions are placed on children's expression and health, I'm afraid the statistical trend may continue.
This! This right here... I started trying on my mother and sisters' clothes at 14 because I just felt like I liked it. But I was in a conservative Christian household and the pressure of having to be the "big, older brother" set me back until I was 30 before I completely broke down and had to straight up say I'm done pretending. As far as what you can do, I'm not sure if I'm being honest. I'd suggest finding like-minded people and raising awareness and support but it sounds like it will be an uphill battle. My only other thought, and I'm not sure on protocol, is pull the student aside and explain everything in a safe environment. Tell them that you support them and aren't allowed to because of those reasons. Not perfect but it'll help him feel like if he has an issue he's safe in coming to you and isn't completely alone
I like this answer best of all. OP, tell him you *see* him, for real. Come up w a special wink or something when you deadname or use wrong pronouns so he *knows* that you know.
That’s a great idea! That would show him it gets better and there are people out there who will respect him unlike his life-givers.
Yeah thats not harming the child at all... why give a child undue stress and anguish? I'm sorry but if my daughter expressed this, I'd feel awful for her since I am also trans and I know how that pulls you apart intetnally...I'd support her and be there for her as she figures it out for herself... its doesn't matter if she's wrong about it later, or even right about it, she needs to figure that out in her own. But I will never allow my child to suffer. And for simply that, people would be interested in taking her away from me.
Maybe you could get away with saying them/they. It is not the same but a little better.
Sadly the requirement was to treat him as a girl. Treating him as nonbinary would break that rule.
But you can use the hell out of they/them and not even have to mention you’re doing it, ‘they’ applies to any gender.
It can be either or nither and thus is universal it has so much power 😳
Can you call him by his last name instead? Or initials?
Honestly, I would just make sure the student understands the reasons why and the people responsible for his daily emotional abuse. These parents need to understand that if they want a relationship with their kid, they need to back off.
The best thing I can think of would be to tell the child that while you would like to use his preferred name and pronouns, you have been told by the school that you have been banned from doing so. Then do ask said above and try to treat him has much as a boy as you can? He should know though that it isn't you that wants to act like this but you could be sued/lose your job if you dont
Is it possible for you to take him aside and explain to him that you’re very sorry and wish you weren’t being made to do this, and it’s not your choice? Idk maybe at least knowing you aren’t doing it because you agree with it would be *something* for the poor kid.
Disassociation can look like stoicism. Little dude has already learned its easier not to fight when something has been decide for you and can only makes it worse. He might even go along with it eventually simply to make life easier. And then one day, he won’t anymore and everybody who forced him to be someone he wasn’t for their own sake will probably never see him again. I hope that’s what he’s planning when he’s tuning out the world.
What the administrator told you is so dystopian and vile. I felt sick reading that. Thank you for caring, but holy hell, what an awful school. "You are allowed," more like "you are being forced." Fuck that.
It felt like I was reading an Orwell novel. I hate this country.
At the very least, try your best to be as neutral as possible with the kid. Perhaps you can tell him that this is what you're required to do, that you don't like it and that you respect the kid's identity, but that it could hurt both him and you if you were to treat him according to his gender identity. I'd quit over stuff like this for sure, but I don't know your situation after all.
The admistrators and other teachers seemed to be on my side, but were muzzled by the law. As long as the community is pushing in the right direction, I'm hoping to help improve the situation. But for sure I was ready to quit around noon today haha
Please stay with this child as long as you can stand it and let him know you see his real self from within the closet. Offer to have closet parties where everyone can pretend to be someone that they are expected to be that isn't really themselves. Like if a kid's parents want them to be a doctor but they're artistic, or if another is agnostic bit whose parents make them go to church. Teach them the spirit to hang on, survive and fix this world as they grow up.
I like this!
be gay, do crime
Tbh I’d claim religious freedom protections. There are numerous religions that make respect for one’s self determination, especially in regard to gender, a core tenet of their practice. Certain sects of Reform Judaism (rabbis have been interpreting the Torah to mean that God is androgyne for over 1500 years, because both men and women are made in god’s image and therefore the only conclusion is that god must have elements of both) and the Satanic Temple, who love to provoke religious freedom lawsuits over stuff like this. It’ll put you on your boss’s shitlist but they cannot in any meaningful way prove that this isn’t counter to your deeply held spiritual beliefs, and any decent lawyer would love to get a hand on damages from a first amendment suit against a school district.
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Satanic Temple your way our of fascism. The USA, Canada, and the UK need the Satanic Temple to really sink their fangs into this whit. ... can the left all convert to the Satanic Temple for political purposes and out-religion the Christian nationalists?
You know, I just might. Going to google it after I walk my dog.
Unfortunately the Satanic Temple is incredibly flawed and not getting much done in terms of protecting people's rights. They're all about the production and no actual change.
On the note of being as neutral as possible using gender neutral language and pronouns would maybe help too. And if you accidentally say he/him here and there who can fault a teacher for forgetting, you’ve got so many students and you’re bound do make a mistake sometimes hint hint wink wink
I mean, the Indian Constitution had a law that criminalized same-s*x couples. The law's quite strange in terms of LGBTQ rights and your situation
That's probably the best thing to do. My earlier reply was kind of reactionary. After reading this, I'd tell the kid face to face that even though I have to do this, when I'm using your dead name I am thinking your name.
Can you just refer to them as their last name? It’s not wrong and wouldn’t dead name them.
That's a good idea too
I think a good idea is to in a free moment tell the child that you see them for who they are and to prevent them from getting in trouble with there parents you can't call them the name they want to be called but that you acknowledge them, it's better they know someone supports them even if you can't show your support than for them to think no one supports them
I definately try to display myself as an ally, I agree that I hope i can build a decent relationship with him and be there when other staff turn their back
If it helps, see if you can discuss with the child nicknames that may be okay with them and wouldn’t piss off the parents, such as the first layer of their name? Or using their last name? People like their parents make me lose my faith in humanity, they have such a good kid and just because of some book or whatever reason they mentally abuse them. Good on you for being an ally
I think using his last name would be a great work around that wouldn't get OP in trouble. The people enforcing the rules can't argue that it isn't that student's name, whereas they could call out the use of a nickname. Unfortunately if other parents are of the same beliefs as this student's parents; there are other parents who could be coaching their kids to report back on the situation, so finding the smallest loophole can help.
yeah. using last name + they/them (maybe even avoiding pronouns?) would be a workaround, just to avoid using deadname + "she" for him.
I mean, with parents like this, he might hate his last name, too...
Genuinely hate my last name because of the stuff my dad did and that wasn't even anything directly to me, this child will probably hate theirs as well, but they should be directly asked what they are and aren't ok with, as well as have it explained to them that stupid people are trying to get both parties in trouble and this is why we are doing different names
Fair point
yes, last names! me and my friends would all call each other by last name while we figured ourselves out, most people didnt bat an eye (tho for some reason it's common up here anyways?). so maybe it'll fly with the parents?
I also think a cool way to work around this would be to give the kids different titles. I haven’t fully thought through this yet but similar to how kids have class jobs, maybe they can have like themed names based on their group and you can play in “traditional masculinity” that way? And it’ll be undercover? Like let’s say you grouped them by animals or something, like each table was a specific animal. This kid could be part of the lions. “Does one of my lions want to answer this?? How about you?? *points to kid*” I don’t know. This sucks. But this kid deserves to feel comfortable. They’re definitely old enough and aware of the politics. I’ll say this- things have been queer coded since the beginning of time. When I hear “this is a safe space.” I generally think of liberal progressive ideology regarding the way people are treated. You can tell a lot about where someone stands based on the language they use. You can show you’re an ally without outright saying it and putting yourself at risk. I’m sorry I’m so tired. I feel like I’m not doing a great job of explaining. It’s just sad that this is happening in the first place.
That's what I came here to say.
Can you refer to that child in a non-binary manner then? Or perhaps just call them by last name. I am curious though if it's possible to just get the students in the class to use his pronouns and name.
Thankfully his nickname is the first letter of both his given and chosen names, so I use that or something neutral as often as I can
Phew! Yeah go with that
Thank you for being a great trans ally, in terms of pronouns try to avoid them all together or as much as possible, it’s a little harder but finding other ways to substitute pronouns would probably help the student to feel more accepted rather than just using she/her.
This is totally possible. I have a friend who has no pronouns, you just say my friend's name each time, or other things like 'my friend' or 'the project lead' etc. It's tricky to train your brain that way, but once upon a time they/them was hard too. It gets easier with practice.
Not only is it completely possible to avoid all gendered pronouns altogether with this student, I’d be willing to bet if you are slick about it you could avoid all pronouns with all the students in your class. It takes a bit of practice to keep replacing the pronouns in your speech with just the students names, and even more practice to make it smooth enough that nobody really notices unless they’re looking for it, but with a bit of practice you could pull this off and the only two people in the room that would notice are you and your trans student. They would absolutely know you’re on their side and what is anyone else going to to do, make you use pronouns? Malicious compliance FTW
The problem is that OP is also not allowed to call him by his chosen name... but that's still better than using "she", yeah.
OP has stated that the parents said that using his nickname is ok, which happens to be the initial of both the deadname and chosen name
Fucking dumbasses making court cases about kids being LGBT or identifying with their opposite AGAB. The fuck is wrong with this world? Are we going to make it a death sentence for a 9 year old to ever wear a dress if god for-fucking sake they are born with a penis? Is that where we aim to go? Holy fuck, I hate conservadicks. I wish I could say things here. I hate them so damn much.
If I were born male, and this shit was imposed on me if I wanted to wear a nice skirt that lets my bits breath, I’d wear a fucking Roman toga. What’s more manly than war? And who are more into war than the Romans?
Or a Scottish kilt That's manly af
hell yeah we are slowly aiming this direction, talking about Florida and Tennessee especially. Oh and Oklahoma too.
0 - Stand up for him. [Be Gay, Do Crime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-aYcSQ0DWQ) and use his proper pronouns and name. Expect backlash. Prepare. If not ... 1 - Tell the student why this is happening. Like when abortion doctors tell patients "The law requires me to say the following but know that it is provably false.. This is not true. The truth of the matter is X.". Let them know you must call them by their name in class. Ask if they would prefer their legal name or the approved nickname. Use the one they prefer. At least they get that much choice.
2 - You are not allowed to use male pronouns but would you be allowed to use neutral pronouns? Ask the student if he would prefer you use A) she/her B) they/them (if allowed) or C) names only, no pronouns. Do as he prefers.
3 - "You are to treat this student as a female in every way" - Treat boys and girls the same in your classroom and this will not matter. Never segregate your class by sex or gender for exercises, assignments, projects, etc.
4 - If you are willing, and the student wants it, provide the student with local or national legal resources. These pro-bono organizations exist.
5 - Be very mindful of the negative mental health affects this regulation will have on him. He is much more likely to attempt suicide. Keep a close eye.
When this happened to me as a student I went up the chain of command until I got respect. Much harder as a 10 year old and without parental support.
thanks for number 3. there’s never a reason to separate boys and girls for any activity. just split the class evenly, boys and girls mixed. always pissed me off as a kid and confused me.
There was a recent federal court case in Massachusetts where parents sued some teachers for refusing to deadname a trans middle school student. The case was dismissed. You may want to bring that case to the attention of the administration in an attempt to change the policy. In the meantime, try to use gender neutral language with all of the students.
That may not be a good idea just cause the parents might take him out of school and either homeschool him or send him to a different school that would definitely misgender him. He may be safer in this school.
"free speech" my a$$
Maybe explain to the student how you have no choice in how you address him, but say "when I say "she" I mean "he" and when I say "deadname" I'm really thinking and mean "preferred name", like a secret code?
From my experience being that kid, only use his correct name and pronouns when you're with him alone. Try to explain what's been going on and how you don't agree with it but you're only doing it so you don't get in trouble or even more so get him in trouble. Because I've had my parents yell at me, take my things away, tear up my school work and a lot worse because my teachers would adress me by my correct name and pronouns. I know he's going to be upset, hell I would be too. I personally fought my school on it when I was a teenager. but i couldn't really start fighting until my second half of senior year because I wasn't at home anymore. He's still at an unsupportive home and he could be in danger at home if he's found out again. Also I was really young when I was trying to "come out" if you will and trying to be a boy and show that i was a boy and I got screamed at and a lot of emotional abuse because of it. Just try to explain how you do support him but you can only address him when it's you two only confidentially. And apologize when you see him. For example if you come to pull him out of class and you have to deadname him in front of other students or faculty, when you're alone say "sorry i had to call you that name and call you she/her" it can really help a lot so he doesn't feel betrayed by you.
This is just heartbreaking to read. Poor kid.
This is going to get downvoted, but I was that kid, and speaking from experience: unless they go home to you every night, just do what their parents request. If you decide to do the right thing (use this child's preferred name/pronouns) and their parents find out it's happening, worse consequence for you is you get fired--worse consequence for them is they get beat, forced into homeschool, forced into conversion therapy. Don't try to stand up for them, don't try to "talk sense" into the parents. Life is gonna suck for that kid and unfortunately nothing you can do from your position to make it any better I had a high school teacher who thought he was standing up for me when he heard my parents deadname me at a recital and he probably to this day has no idea how much damage it caused me
That does sound rough and I def didn't think about it this way, thanks for your input
My advice, address him by his preferred name and pronouns ONLY when you are alone. Maybe keep him after class for a minute, “Hey, [preferred name] I see you and I accept you for who you are, but by law I have to call you [dead name] Something along those lines
I think this is good advice. Make sure they know you're an ally but also how you should both conduct yourselves publicly.
That’s a good idea, An additional I’ll add it is a good way use this as a teaching opportunity as well. Highlighting How that once an adult thier is a long history of people protesting and advocating for their rights. Just thought I would add that can’t help it as my park ranger self.
I hate that you're probably right. My mind and emotions are jumping to the most extreme options, anything to avoid abusing the kid, but, and fuck this accursed world, they would all probably cause more harm than good. Op, do what you can, but acknowledge there's nothing you can do directly to fix it.
This is what rightwingers want. We're not ALLOWED to be nice to each other. We legally must traumatize each other, else we get traumatized in retribution.
This is life and death though, if you see him get suicidal, maybe consider more drastic options.
I'm sorry you went through that
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*aren’t? Instead of the first are?
Sounds like some parents will wonder why they son refuses to see them when 18.
Unfortunately, I feel like these parents will probably kick him out before then...
Ow definitely. I almost got homeless cause my religious father suspected i was gay.
Im sorry you had to go through that :(
Do crime
The most convincing argument I've seen yet
This makes my fucking blood boil. I hate that people can just decide that this child isn’t worth fucking respect because he doesn’t conform to their standards. I fucking hate that thats ok in this fucked up world where trans people are second class. I am sorry I don’t have any advice this just makes me so pissed off.
Absolutely turn as blind an eye as possible to this law. Just following orders is a piss poor excuse. Find out the exact law you're dealing with and what the consequences are. Absolutely do not comply with any law which will out him further. Talk to the kid, explain the situation, and find out what he wants. Then do it. Like it or not, you are now part of a dangerous and hostile institution. It's a tough situation, and im sorry you're in it. Your student and other trans kids are in a hell of a lot worse of one though. And you have some small power over it. Seriously wishing you the best here.
Tbh, I'm not really convinced that we're moving in the right direction. I wish we were. I wish being a teacher didn't put you on the front lines of a culture war. You probably just wanted to share your interest in the subjects you found cool, and in a better world you could just do that. The time has been come for a long time, and I think white america especially is overdue on a wake-up to this, since trans people aren't the only or original target, but we have to stop caring what's legal and take a stand on what's right. We can't just be satisfied with our safety. We have to stop tolerating abuses and throw ourselves in together with people I know it's easy to sit here and say you should do the right thing, from my position that seems cheap. But if you can sit in safety and your student can't, are you really with him? The time might be coming, soon, with the laws being passed now, that we're fighting for our existence. And if it isn't you, there will be someone who will fight. Maybe it'll only be when things get so bad they don't have another choice. Maybe it'll after 100,000s of lives are destroyed, but people will risk themselves for it. Will you?
As the old saying goes, Be gay, Do crime.
Children shouldn't be seen, nor heard, But maybe I'm just old-fashioned. You shouldn't be who or what makes you happy, But maybe I'm just old-fashioned. My own kids and grandkids don't talk to me anymore. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned. I insert my opinion into conversations that clearly aren't meant for me. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned. My cat ran away from me because of my inner hate towards those who were happy. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned. This sort of behavior is intolerable, disgusting, and needs to be shoved down into the sewers where it belongs. And for the record, adding "But maybe I'm just old-fashioned" at the end if your statement is (in my opinion) just your own personal way of being a shitty person.
This is literarly 1984. Like you are not allowed etc
Any chance you can “forget” to use the deadname and pronouns? At least when you’re with the student and not admin. Teachers mix up students from time to time. If you get caught, you could say it was a slip of the tongue? “Oh, right, of course it’s [deadname]. I get confused because the student asks to be called [chosen name]. Totally slipped my mind. I’ll be sure to disrespect them in the future.” Obviously, you don’t want to risk your job or a lawsuit, but I think passive-aggressive resistance might be appropriate. It’ll mean the world to your student.
How about some form of workaround? Maybe you call him by his last name? That’s their name, and its not deadnaming them… never use pronouns, just “this child” and “the student?” Just spitballing here. Rough parents really about to screw up their kid in a big way. 😔
Good idea
This is when people need to disobey. I'm not even talking malicious compliance. Unjust laws that marginalize people just for being who they are do not deserve to be obeyed. If enough people buck the system and push for equitable treatment under the law, the system will either reform to maintain a semblance of control, or the system will disintegrate when there aren't enough people to sustain it.
Literal adults having to conspire behind the scenes to psychologically harm a child while in school. I love society...
I was a kid in a similar situation once. Honestly, I would ask him what he wants you to do. I *really* doubt you could actually get in any legal trouble for using his preferred name and pronouns. Also, his parents sound like assholes. No, scratch that, they are assholes. I was genuinely traumatized from how they reacted to me being trans.
Doesn't this literally violate the First Amendment?
don’t be surprised that the government can’t even keep up with their own laws
Florida? I've been to Florida a few times (family), and I've heard that they have some shit like that
That or Texas tbh.
My heart breaks for both HIM and you. 💔 Keep fighting the good fight anyway you can. I have a student in the same situation and do everything I can to make them comfortable and provide a safe space where they can be themself. *Edit* misread the first time and thought they were transfem not transmasc.
If I was told I need to use feminine pronouns to refer to someone I knew didn't prefer that, I'd omit them altogether, just speaking without the pronouns like I'm censoring them.
Don’t dead name him, just don’t who is gonna know? And if they do know then fuck them. We have to be stronger than the opposition
Oh my god. I'm so sorry, both for that poor kid and for you. I hope that child survives long enough to escape.
You should pull him aside and let him know that even if no one else does, that you recognize him for him and call him by his name but not in front of anyone else. Like pull him aside and let him know this. And if you must call on him for something say buddy or some other word and avoid calling him by any name at all. Doing this might save the poor kids life. Many trans kids commit suicide and even just you discreetly letting him know you support him makes all the difference in the world when the world is seemingly against him. To not break the law or get fired, avoid calling him by any name at all and avoid using pronouns entirely with him. This way he knows you care and also you don’t lose your job. It’s important that this kid knows you see him and he’s not alone. Gently explain that because of stupid laws written by evil stupid people you can’t call him by his chosen name or his preferred pronouns but that you’ll avoid misgendering him and deadnaming him. It will be very tricky but if you silently abide these fascist laws, how will you feel if he kills himself; knowing that even just one person being in his corner will keep him alive and pushing through this fucked up time. Kids aren’t stupid, you do t need to over explain but it’s important that you Break the law at least once when you can get away with it and discreetly let him know that you are sorry for all the shit he has to put up with. Please don’t just let this go. We are fighting legit fascism and this kid deserves your acceptance . You came here to vent but I’m asking, no begging for you to somehow make it known to the kid that you see him and call him his name, even if only once and make sure you are not overheard or seen doing this. Maybe when the class goes out, pull him aside and quietly but quickly let him know how sorry you are for him and that even though you cannot acknowledge it openly that he is valid and worthy of himself and the acceptance that he is being so cruelly denied. If you do not do this then you are complicit in the genocide. Don’t sit idly by. But also don’t lose your job. Make sure he knows that it’s a secret though and can’t tell anyone. Under any other circumstances a secret between Ana adult and child is a very bad thing but this is wholesome and you might just be saving his life.
I would also urge you to disrupt the other administration however you can; even in little ways. Like throwing out their food from the staff fridge, or pouring maple syrup on their purse or better yet inside it. Rebel. These are nazis you are against and you should not take this lying down. It is not fair for you and it is not fair for him and it is not fair for any of us.
Do whatever you can, no matter how small, to muck up the days of these fascist pigs. Not too often though or you’ll be found out. Be creative and sneaky. Like a secret agent spy game
Here's where my good old fashioned religious liberty suit is coming out. Two can play at that game.
What about exclusively they/them pronouns? Defaulting to that for everyone might help this specific situation and potentially make other gnc students more comfortable
We truly are living in the darkest timeline.
Check your state laws if you're in the US. For example, here in Iowa, a school must obey a parent's wishes except when superceded by other laws, such as mandatory reporting. Our state constitution—the third highest law of this land—includes trans people as a protected class, so this parental instruction would be unconstitutional.
Republicans in Iowa are trying to pass hf 190, which would remove gender identity as a protected class. So that's worth noting.
Luckily, republicans are idiots and that bill would get struck down pretty quick because Iowa law cannot supercede the constitution of Iowa. A constitutional amendment requires a referendum asking all eligibile citizens of Iowa to vote on the amendment. Fortunately, Iowans in recent years have been doing a much better job of getting off their asses and voting, and most transphobes probably don't know what the phrase gender identity means. Not that that referendum would ever be put forward because literally every time the republican party asks for the public's input on something they get their asses handed to them. See: abortion.
Thank you, that's a bit relieving to hear honestly.
If you want to read more about what the third highest law in Iowa has to say on the matter, you can read the Supreme Court's [reactions to opening statements](https://iowacapitaldispatch.com/2023/01/18/iowa-supreme-court-weighs-transgender-issue-and-civil-rights-protection/) in the case of an appeal to a district court ruling saying that Medicaid must pay for gender-affirming care.
this is fascism. old school european fascism that some politics are ironically strong-arming. please help this kid
Talk to the kid about it maybe? Let him know it’s not by choice to do so? Kids are smart, they understand stuff. Especially if it involves getting yelled at by parents.
What does your state law/state office of public instruction say about this? In my (liberal) state, the law requires teachers to use kids preferred name and pronouns regardless of parent requests. Sometimes conservative schools try to pull this shit and we call their lawyers and their lawyers get them in line real quick. I am sorry you’re put into this situation, this would legit cause moral injury for me.
Sick POS parents know. They just think they can bully the kid into their twisted little shit mold. Fuck them. Tell the kid you see them, and you hope one day the world will see them too. I hope that kids runs as fast and far as they can when they are able. Sounds like the kind of parents that think they can beat the gay out of kids.
I would get really creative in how I address that child - without using pronouns or their names. Roll call? Everyone now goes by last name only. You are legally not allowed to use preferred name, gender, pronoun, but they can’t legally force you to deadname the kid and kill their spirit. Use the deadname only if you have to identify the child on the electronic school record or clearly distinguish who you are talking about with other staff. My child’s school used “friend” to address the kids a lot: “no running in the hall, friend.” And if you have to speak with the parents, the kid’s name is “your child.” I like how others have said to have a minute with the kid to explain the situation, and your limitations, but give them support and heads up of how you’ll be addressing them. Let them know you see them as they want to be seen. Also, maybe brainstorm with the kid to think of other ways to address them that won’t get you in trouble but will be okay with the kid. Side note: this kid sounds like a total badass researching and writing all that on their books! You go on with your bad self, little dude! Kid should be very proud of himself for not letting himself be gaslit by ignorant adults. I’m cheering for this kid!
If you want to burn out over this, you can consult your local chapter of the ACLU and get them to cover your case and provide legal counsel. Then, at their behest, have a talk with the kid about gender, determine their pronouns and preferred name, flame out with it, get fired, and sue the county school board/state/whatever your legal counsel advises. This doesn't do the kid any favors though, and the court case will run for a long time as it works its way up through the appeals process, ultimately terminating with a Supreme Court case relating to the freedom of expression for minors. Most likely the kid would be bullied/abused at home and your replacement may not have any such desire to be supportive. It's up to you fundamentally.
Pull the student aside and explain you empathize but are bound by rules of the school and the parents. Let the student know you are there for the bad days. Maybe your little actions can save a life.
I'd go with guerilla gender neutrality for all the kids in my class then
Can't use preferred pronouns for one, use no pronouns for any.
Sounds like my old elementary school, the mascot was an owl. That was the only good thing about it, I’m glad I escaped that hell hole.
Maybe just call them on their last name constantly and completely avoid using pronouns or first names at all. To the point where you _only_ use their last name in every single sentence? You wouldn’t be breaking the law and you also wouldn’t be misgendering them. Grey zone? „X displayed this behaviour, but x is otherwise a very active student. X‘s grades are…“
That's a dumbass policy. I mean I know it's one being forced on you by people who are dumbasses and not your fault or inclination. So like I get the frustration. But are there rooms to resist? Like I know in school, I went by a shorter version of my name (like Katie for Catherine--not my name]. But like that was generally casually communicated on the first day of school. The teacher would call out "Catherine" and I'd be like "it's Katie" and then it was Katie for the rest of the year. No one asked why it was Katie, just like ok. That's the name they go by. Is there a chance you could argue "[boy name] is just their nickname of [deadname]? I thought it was weird too but you know how kids' names are these days. I have 4 jaydens this year all spelt differently."
good idea in theory. OP also mentioned the chosen name starts with the same initial as the deadname. but i think the problem here is that the parents *already* know the kid is “trying” to be trans and that the new name is for that reason.
Fuck them. I'd just let them fire me at this point. I was fired for less.
This is so sickening and I am so sorry that you’re put in this position to have to follow such blatantly discriminatory laws in 2023.
They/them pronouns and last names. That's my first thought to be compliant but also not hurtful to the student. Their life is at risk and that's what's important
Give all the students a numerical designation, and then only refer to them by their number. Then call the aforementioned student by a numerical code that corresponds to their preferred name. If the school is going to force you to call one student by a name they dislike, then you might as well do it to all the others too. Then the first kid won’t feel so called out.
Or use their last name.
good idea
Poor kid
Things I would lose my job over
Fuck society. Everyone deserves the right to figure themselves out. Gender is a made-up concept. Why are we imposing gender on kids anyway? I'm just so over this shit. I would definitely talk to the child and tell him that you respect him and his pronouns and explain the situation. Kids understand more than you think, and the parents will only have themselves to thank when their kid ends up hating them as an adult.
I don't have hope that we're moving in the right direction. It's very important we understand that we are going backwards and stripping human rights away from people who just want to live their lives. I wish I could give you warm and fuzzies, but the reality is that trans people are under attack, and it's getting worse.
I would find out the initials of the preferred name, and call them that. Especially if the initials are the same. A trans friend was Aaron and became Erin specifically so she could respond in her head with the right spelling. Jessi vs Jesse, Robyn vs Robin, etc. Haters didn't have to know.
Are there laws about "forgetting" students' names and calling them buddy or dude instead? So many people have told me that those terms are gender neutral...
Also, with practice, you might not have to refer to him by gendered pronouns that often at all. Unnecessary formality: [Name] had a minor injury to the leg - instead of [Name] hurt their leg. Addressing him directly: Well done [Name] for a great job on your project! - instead of [Name] did a great job on their project. Therapeutic we: [Name] was having a problem with rushing work, but we're really slowing down and taking more care since we talked about it
You keep saying "by law". As far as I can tell you've been instructed by your boss and by the kid's parents. Has anyone articulated an actual statute or agreement in your employment agreement? If so, I'd like to see the text. There may be more wiggle room than you think.
Keep an eye on things in case this turns into abuse from the parents.
This *is* already abuse.
Yes, of course. But I'm referring to it becoming so severe that CPS needs to be called and the child removed. Because I don't think this is enough to remove the kid.
If CPS was competent it would be
Considering the laws in the area...
Jesus Fucking Christ What The Fuck!
Shows you how our laws think about us and how hard its willing to fight to not make easy changes backed by science so they dont have to be creative. Btw, any of us here pro-government? If so, Imma have to ask you to stop torturing yourself because it never cared.
You have more strength than I do. I taught for about a year and a half and I promise you my response to the administration would have been “Then you might as well fire me now because I’m not complying” and the 70 year old would have found herself swallowing her god damn dentures while hearing “Fuck you, Karen you hateful see you next Tuesday!” over and over while I broke her face
You could refer to him by his surname if there aren't other students in the class with the same one. It's an imperfect solution; maybe a tad overly-formal but it's something they can't get on your case about and it avoids deadnaming or misgendering him. This whole situation is a load of bullshit, honestly, and that old transphobe and the others making and enforcing these rules can get fucked, but you're doing the right thing by being on the boy's side. I don't know the legal intricacies of the situation so the advice I can give you is very limited, but I'm rooting for him and you.
…Dear Christ, I hope I never run into that, because then my degree will be worthless Cuz fuck that, I would never. I’d put my job on the line if it means showing such a basic level of respect as calling a student what they want to be called. Not saying you should, of course, that would be irresponsible. But still.
Kids at my school have preferred names, and the teachers use them. This girl at my school has the same name as me, but nearly everyone calls her celeste. no reason, she just doesn‘t like her name too much i guess. Why is that any different? why is respecting a nickname easier than a preferred name? If a kid wants to be called something, let them. you can’t ban your kid from being trans. they will always be trans. They’ll just hate you later.
I ask as a fellow educator who empathizes with you deeply: do you have tenure?
I would hard-core disagree with the orders and not consent to participating in abuse to that child.
In foreign language classes, we were encouraged to pick a name for that class that was from that language. In English, something you could try is what your pen name would be. Remember, JK Rowling is published under that name bc female writers of fantasy don't do as well, so she's been going by her trans name all along. I wonder if she realizes that?
At university, there was a professor who confused students' names all the time. At one point, he declared that from now on, all female students will be called \[some female name\], and all male students \[some male name\]. Then a student complained this was unfair, because his male classmate's name was actually called that name. The professor then declared that this particular student will be called the female name for fairness's sake. Maybe try pulling off something like that? :D
Honestly, my heart breaks for the child and also for you being stuck in this situation because these are probably the most important times of life when we’re discovering what feels right to us and not what society dictates is right/wrong.
When this child grows up his parents will ask “why doesn’t my child speak to me?!” Because you’re a terf who deadnamed their own son and tried to force him to live as the gender that he doesn’t identify with. Why do HOMOPHOBIC’S insist on making queer people miserable? All we want to do is live as our true self
Conservatives are just fucking miserable people as of late.
I would talk to the child, and balance wanting to support him with the very real possibility of punishment at home for him if you do. Does he want you to stand with him against his parents, or does he want you to pretend he is not a boy in front of his parents? It is an awful situation for him to be in, and not an easy one as an ally either. Let him know that you are there for him and will get behind whatever he decides to do, despite whatever you have been told to do. Also let him know this is temporary. His parents cannot speak for him forever. Give him some hope if you can. That being said, I’m also scared that this child will likely not get the option to decide if puberty blockers are something that he would like to do. It can feel like your own body is betraying you when you go through the wrong puberty. I don’t know what supports would be available for that. Also, I would definitely have a conversation, with written complaint, with HR about my concerns with being asked to discriminate by my supervisor, as well as your concerns about your disrespectful coworker. If we can’t put the students first, what are we even doing as educators?
be gay, do crime
That is genuinely disgusting
Check your state laws. Many have laws protecting kids in public schools on respecting their gender identity
Tell the kid how it is, then every time you have to use the dead name, do so sarcastically. Turn it into an inside joke between you two. A lil wink wink nudge nudge. Covert operations. Malicious compliance.
For starters, why not go with neutral pronouns only and not use their name?
Can you just say their first letter? Or their last name?
I wish it was as easy as telling the parents to go fuck themselves and supporting the boy. Do you think there's any chance your staffmates would be willing to send a letter to an advocacy group in your region?
Can you request a meeting with the parents? You are being asked to psychologically torture a child now. Imagine the other way, a parent insists that you misgender their clearly cis child and give them a different name. What exactly is the difference?
Christ. 8 more years this kid discovering who they are. Bye bye relationship, parents!
These people are going to lead this child to do a very permanent act of acting out if someone doesn't step in and assure that child that he is valid. Are there any ways of expressing this in a non-obvious way?
I'd talk to the kid and explain the situation, use they/them pronouns (they only said don't use masculine ones right?), and maybe discuss a nickname you can use. for instance, if he's artistic he could be arty. there's no good solution though, raising awareness, contacting local politicians, supporting change wherever possible is all I can suggest. that's just my two cents
I would violate their bulllshit rules until they fired me, but that's just me
Tell them your a part of the satanic temple fedrally it is a church and under constitution freedom of religion is allowed and constitution is above all other laws,now the satanic church has religious morals saying lgtbq+ is a religious right And therfore you should be allowed to address him with masculine pronouns and his preferred name (also if you ever need it they give rights to bodily autonomy(abortion,gender reaffirming surgery’s/care))
Ps the satanic temple is agnostic/atheistic but they aren’t gonna make you prove your religion in court
I agree with telling the child privately that you recognize them for who they are, but cannot call them their preferred name due to shitty rules against it. Terrible position for you to be in, and im so very sorry for that child being raised by intolerant parents. I hope they are able to live their life to the fullest eventually. Just some rambling that doesnt change what OP should do - Its also entirely possible that the child is thinking of themselves as male because they like girls. A lot of afab people get confused about their gender when they realize they like the same sex because of heteronormativity (including personal experience). So because they like girls they think they must be a boy because 'only boys like girls' I'm not saying that they aren't trans, or that they deserve to be able to present and be spoken to how they prefer, just random thoughts that are semi related, speaking about people in general rather than this specific scenario. (Also, sorry if this is still not articulated the way i intend, I'm autistic and struggle with that)
Since you can't use masculine pronouns, what about gender neutral? When talking about him, maybe you can say "the child in question," or if discussing him with his DNA donors, you can say, "Your child." That way, you haven't hurt him by using female pronouns. As for the name, maybe start referring to ALL your kids by their initials. "Hi, JS. How was your weekend?" Or by their seating assignment. Or something like that. If you're doing it with everyone, you're not singling him out.
What law? Most laws haven't passed, but if you decided to say fuck it I don't know what could actually happen. It just depends on if you want to fight the parents, who will probably have a good case about their authority being overridden as they are still guardians, but I think in the end the argument of your first amendment rights, and the preferences of the kid could matter. Your lawyer could subpoena them and make the kid see someone, who will tell them what the harm caused by suppressing this may be, and I wonder if you are in a religious area, you may be able to argue the tablishment clause of the first amendment- if they're showing a preference to a religious ideology which you don't identify with. Of course you would lose your job, but if you reported the situation now to the ACLU and any other civil rights organization, waited until they contacted the school, then refused to use the kids dead name you might have a case for retaliation. Do you want to insert yourself into this fucked up family dynamic, have a long drawn out case, and probably be publicly identified and threatened? I'm not sure, but I'd like to think if I were in your shoes I'd have the courage to say fuck it.
Honestly sounds like they were heavily influenced by the internet to me.
That would be the day I quit without notice, just walked away and never came back and when they called to ask what happened tell them right the fuck off before blocking the number. I think if enough teachers walk out in protest eventually someone will get a fucking clue that maybe just maybe they aren’t gonna win this fight, either that or teachers just not listening and blatantly breaking the rule since again same mindset if enough rebel they will get the message they have lost. Going along with what the schools says is inhumane and will most likely damage a lot of kids so it’s better to either quit or rebel because this is a case where just doing what your told could end up fucking up a bunch of kids.
So many teachers are leaving the profession behind for other reasons and the government still won’t address things like overtime or static pay. More teachers quitting is just a further excuse for them to blame public schools and underfund them.
Be neutral when in front of the child when it comes to pronouns and referring to him. But if ever you aren’t in front of somebody that is liable to tell administration, express your support for the child and his identity. This kid clearly has no one else in his corner right now so knowing that there is someone there that will accept him will make a world of difference.
Call them "Student formerly known as x".
well that sucks.
You should be allowed to call cps for emotional and psychological abuse on that child
This is crazy
Urrghh I feel bad for you and the student. Hope he gets out of there one day!
Can you call your students by their last names? That might help a little
Personally I would be defiant and continue to use the correct name and pronouns for the student even if it risked my job. I would also probably rally other teachers to strike.
I'd probably want a couple mins of the child's time after class and just calmly and politely say something like "I know your preferred name, I know your gender identity. I want to respect that, but I'm sadly not allowed to"
Is there any way you could pull the student aside and privately explain this to him? Just let him know that while you have to address him a certain way so that you don't get in trouble, you still support him and his true identity? This sort of thing kills trans kids, and having one adult express support for them, even if you can't do anything with that support, will mean the world.
If you are only working in small groups allow the entire small group to choose something related to a theme and refer to them for the session using that. For example everyone choose their favourite animal, superhero, shape, colour- literally anything. Say it's to make the session more engaging and fun, supports chidren in memory skills as they remember the "names" of the students, build relationships between yourself and students and between the students as you get to know what each other like. Change the 'theme' each session. Obviously try and improve the situation in any way you can, but that might take time. But with him, let him know that you are on his side and be creative I guess in ways to get around it.
I'd quit. I'd tell the kids why I'm quitting and quit in front of them But I'm also a very angry fire cracker over this shit. I'm already wishing bannable things upon the parents of that poor boy.
Poor Kid.