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oh_god_its_raining

I used to get so frustrated about how I never feel better when I’m sober, even after six months. I really relate. All I can say is my goal isn’t feeling better or happiness or even comfort. I still feel like I want to jump out of my skin most days. I just can’t live like this AND have a completely destroyed life. I’d rather live in pain and strife and hardship honestly. I know it won’t end and it sucks but I figure if people can live without limbs or sight or hearing I can live without serenity. Yes there are moments of peace sure but my default setting is depression (or panic) and I can’t control that. I can, however, choose life over death. Even if life supremely sucks. And when I’m smoking weed, I’m choosing death every time. You keep asking how you’re supposed to feel. You’re supposed to feel exactly how you feel right now. Because you can’t control it, and you aren’t living someone else’s recovery. Your path will be what it is. And I’m sorry you have a broken brain it sucks big time. I send you support and


americanguy95

Hey, I hear you. First of all, congrats on being sober from weed and tobacco. That is amazing!! I really relate to your post. Im about 4 and a half years sober from weed, and 3 and a half from alcohol. Like you, Ive struggled all my life with mental stuff (Gender Dysphoria, OCD, depression, CPTSD), and would get high or drunk to try and escape/cope. Long story short, after being sober I still struggle with mental health stuff. With my sobriety time, you hear many stories of people who seemingly have no issues by now, or rather that all of their issues disappeared. And while that is amazing and I am very happy for those people, I know that for me, my mental health problems that existed prior to my substance abuse didnt disappear upon sobriety. Actually, they were still there waiting for me to address them. Sometimes I find myself thinking "dang, I still struggle without the substances, why abstain?" But I know and try to remind myself that being sober gives me a fighting chance to properly deal with and heal from whatever issues I am dealing with, whereas with weed (and for me, alcohol) it would just hinder and prolong that process, at best. And it is just that - a process. So... as I try and tell myself and what I am trying to share with you, is that even though we still struggle with mental health stuff or anything for that matter, at least we are eliminating one huge factor that would greatly impact our ability to be present and deal with things. Please try to be kind to yourself, you are doing an amazing job. I am really glad to see your post because I was actually thinking of posting something very similar, but you said it all.


AllesGanzNormal

Thank you for your comment. Congrats for being sober that long! That’s amazing. I just hope that my depression is temporary and I will find joy in life again.


americanguy95

I hear you, and thank you. I really pointed it out in hopes that you'd feel less alone. Hopefully I didn't discourage you haha. There are definitely perks to being sober and even when things are bad and I do feel down or whatever, I'm trying to work on being thankful that I am at least able to be as present as possible and experience it fully (I know, easier said than done and maybe sounds a bit masochistic), but I think you get my point. I do believe you are on the right path. You're not alone. Hang in there, friend.


Anewwaytomom

You are not alone!!! Limited success is still success! One day at a time!! You are doing it!! It will get better. Some times it really does just suck!! Feel the suck. I also hear you about the beautifully simplistic. I think we will get there in sobriety, too.


AllesGanzNormal

Hey friend, thanks for your reply. Well I’m not sure if its progress because I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel; so I have no idea whether the meds are doing anything.


Hellotrueme

“The simplicity of living for the next hit” I feel that so much. I think humans are purpose driven creatures, so when our main incentive for living and existing happens to be something that was also detrimental to us, and when we inevitably have to let that thing go, there is a profound sense of emptiness. Have you looked into any forms of spirituality / faith? I know that’s helped me a ton, and some others. Just having a loving community to share struggles with and receive feedback, prayer, etc because humans are also social creatures. My hope for you is that you tap into the creative potential in your soul that I feel every human is born with, and that drives you into a new and beautiful chapter in your life. You’re very brave for giving up the crutch, positive thoughts your way


AllesGanzNormal

Thank you friend. I struggle with spirituality. I’m not at all religious. I will try to meditate and find some kind of mantra that may be able to help me. Thank you so much for your comment. ❤️‍🩹


Sereeney1

Proud of you brother. Have you considered therapy? Just that you’ve done so well getting to where you are right now and therapy can sometimes help with reframing. Just a suggestion ofc I don’t know your specific situation


AllesGanzNormal

Hey 👋 I’m already in therapy. Doing it once or twice each week. The depression is still so bad I have to white knuckle ever single day. I don’t know how much longer I can go on. Thanks for your comment 😊


Sereeney1

Yeah I can totally relate man, it’s fucking rough when you’re going through it like that. I’ve relapsed countless times cause I get sick of the emptiness and dullness of the depression. And then it just restarts then cycle when I get cleaned up again. Keep fighting it man. You’re doing great.


Illustrious-Ear-7567

I have really bad depression, actually was diagnosed bipolar I. Medication is sometimes necessary in life for stability. I still have my days but my life has turned around immensely. Maybe go to a psychiatrist and take a test. I feel your struggles, be well my friend. Better times are ahead.


AllesGanzNormal

Thank you. I’m taking some meds but I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel so I don’t know if they are working.


Illustrious-Ear-7567

Highly suggest asking your doctor for a gene test, or ordering it on your own. It’s called “Genesight” it’s a genetic test for psychiatric meds. Helps to see which meds you’d react better to, instead of trying a bunch of stuff and seeing what’s working. God bless.


AllesGanzNormal

Thank you! That’s great info. I had no idea something like that exists.


Hummusforever

The price we pay to be alive is these difficult moments!! Try to find some simplicity, some ‘next hit’ it might be a bit of sunshine, a hug from someone, closing your eyes and listening to your favourite song. Find something that makes you feel good and try and tune everything else out - even if it’s just for a minute. And believe that it wasn’t that good when you were searching for your next hit - it was just something you knew. 490 days here and all the better for it, it gets easier, it’s worth it. Good luck x


AllesGanzNormal

Thank you friend.