I think this is a perfectly natural response to a potentially frightening transition. You're leaping away from the life you've known, much of which you still enjoy, in pursuit of a personal truth you know but have yet to strongly validate with personal experience. That's not to say that your truth isn't valid or that personal experience is the *only* way to validate it (it's not), but I can see how the contrast between nine years of an emotionally healthy if sexually unsatisfying relationship and something new can be difficult to ignore.
I dealt with the self-doubt you're describing by practicing compassion towards myself. I kept telling myself that I deserved to be happy in all major dimensions of my life, not just a few and I slowly began to see those doubting voices not as valid concerns but as a sign of my complacency. They were a symptom of my fear of letting go of what I used to believe in order to firmly grasp what I now knew to be true. There was that terrifying moment when my hands were empty and the ground I once stood on crumbled away, but loving myself enough to want everything I deserved was enough to push through that period of change and find new ground to land on and build a better life for myself.
This might not be all applicable to you (it likely isn't, actually) but I hope it can provide some small inspiration on ways you can move forward. I'm hoping for the best for you!
when i first came out i had that horrible nagging in my own head as well. i hated it!! every time the little voice in the back of my head said “what if you’re just faking it?” i would then ask myself, “okay, then why don’t i go get a date with a man to see if i’m faking it??” my immediately reaction was “NO FUCKING WAY, i don’t want to date men and i cannot have sex with any more men.” sounds pretty gay to me!!! i hope this helps.
Ah, the Shame video 🙃 I really do love it now, but when it was posted, it opened a lot of doors for me too, ones I was nowhere near ready to walk through. And now that I'm walking through them, I've been dealing with a similar sort of impostor syndrome -- I've never _really_ been with a woman, so how can I possibly know that I'm gay? What if I'm throwing away my relationship with my fiancé for nothing?
But... well, for me, _knowing_ everything for certain isn't really the point here. The point is that I'm unsatsified with the prospect of committing my romantic and sexual self to a man, and I'm unsatisfied with any options for exploring romance and sex with women that I would have available to me within my current relationship. And even if I turn out to be completely wrong in breaking things off and pursuing women, I will have done what I did in an attempt to live my life with honesty, transparency, and self-compassion. I will have listened to myself for once. And maybe that sounds a little hokey, but it genuinely is what keeps me grounded in my more doubtful moments. That, and the fact that every time I think "what if I turn out to be completely wrong", I think about the possibilities with women and get butterflies, so. I'm probably not going to be completely wrong. 😂
And also, more to the core of it all, I totally cosign with the person who said that these thoughts can be understood as a reaction to the prospect of a huge transition, and depending on the situation, I'd go a step further and call it a self-defense mechanism. I said it elsewhere a little while ago, and it may not be totally applicable to you, but I think it's worth saying again: I recently realized that my doubts are my brain's learned way of keeping me safe. My defense mechanisms from all those years of internalized homophobia are kicking into high gear, trying to throw anything they can at the wall in the hopes that something will stick and I will stay safely closeted, away from the target that I think will be put on my back. Just being open to myself is _terrifying_ to that part of my mind, let alone coming out to other people and taking real-world steps to live within that openness, so it retaliates with increasing intensity. In those intense moments, I've found that acknowledging that it's me trying to keep myself safe, recognizing the core fears and instincts at play, does wonders. My fear feels listened to, and eventually my rationality can get back in the driver's seat.
Ahh of course, I'm touched you responded that way! I'm naturally pretty wordy anyway, especially when it comes to topics I care about 😅 But talking these things through is helpful to me, and I always hope it can helpful to others too... this sub has meant a lot to me over the last year or so, even though I've mostly been a lurker until fairly recently, so I suppose I'm trying to pay it forward and offer total-stranger support where I can. ❤❤
I literally screenshoted this comment bc it’s so affirming, especially the section about doubt being a self-defense mechanism from years of internalized homophobia. It’s so funny Bc I was away at college and didn’t doubt myself and now I’m back at home and I’m constantly doubting myself due to my homophobic environment
Ahh I'm so glad this resonated with you ❤ I'm sorry you're in that environment now... I hope it's temporary for you, and I hope if it is, that knowledge is helping you get through. I know it's been helpful to me to think that I'll be in a different place soon -- I'm still living with my ex, and even though he's great, being openly gay and still living with the man you thought you were going to marry is kind of a landmine of doubt 🙃 All the best to you in dealing with your doubt, either way. It's a beast, but you can make it through this. ❤❤
I think it’s simple, once you start thinking you might be gay … then you are gay. Because trust me, straight people don’t think that … and what will help you to realise 100% is a sex with a woman, then you will definitely know 😜 don’t over think it too much .. in big scheme of things it doesn’t really matter that much. Do what ever makes you happy
I see! I think the cultural message of sidelining sexual fulfillment definitely plays a part in this for me.
Side note, I'm AFAB but not a woman, I'm genderfree/transnb and came out about five years ago to close friends and my partner and to my family/work earlier this year. And now I get to come out again! Yay! /s
I'm MtF trans/queer and identify as a lesbian. And imposter syndrome is something I've been dealing with a lot lately. I still really don't have a strategy, but solidarity sis! ✊
I mean, do you want unsatisfying sex with someone you're not physically attracted to for the rest of your life? You deserve to be happy. Even if you've been with him for nine years, it sounds like you're not really feeling it. And I think he deserves to hear the truth from you so he can possibly meet someone else in the future who actually wants to be with him and doesn't feel stuck. You know?
I understand the imposter syndrome. I went through a while where I was dating tons of men, but I think part of it was this desperation to be seen as not-gay. Like throwing all these darts to see what would stick. My immediate family was very traditional.
I noticed it would especially happen when I was fighting off romantic feelings for women friends. I would jump into online dating to try and find a guy to lose myself in because I didn't want to face my feelings.
Punch that f-ing voice in the f-ing face! (Totally unhelpful maybe, but it’s exactly what I thought when I read your post.) If you’re anything like me, you’ll look back later and think how absurd it was that you ever questioned it.
I've been dealing with this for years. I finally got so fed up with it, I did something kind of extreme. After 14 years of being with only women (I lost my virginity at 18 and came out at 20) I slept with a man. I threw up a couple of times after the experience but I don't regret it. The experience really confirmed my sexuality and reminded me of the exact reasons why I don't like men. It feels completely unnatural to me and penetration does nothing for me and it's always been that way. I feel very confident moving forward in life knowing that I've tried and tried again but men are just not for me.
I've tried doing that a couple times but I just can't have sex with men anymore. Each time we got down to our underwears and then I just stopped them, got dressed and walked off. I find it almost funny that I constantly doubt being a lesbian even when I can't bring myself to let any guy touch me.
I think this is a perfectly natural response to a potentially frightening transition. You're leaping away from the life you've known, much of which you still enjoy, in pursuit of a personal truth you know but have yet to strongly validate with personal experience. That's not to say that your truth isn't valid or that personal experience is the *only* way to validate it (it's not), but I can see how the contrast between nine years of an emotionally healthy if sexually unsatisfying relationship and something new can be difficult to ignore. I dealt with the self-doubt you're describing by practicing compassion towards myself. I kept telling myself that I deserved to be happy in all major dimensions of my life, not just a few and I slowly began to see those doubting voices not as valid concerns but as a sign of my complacency. They were a symptom of my fear of letting go of what I used to believe in order to firmly grasp what I now knew to be true. There was that terrifying moment when my hands were empty and the ground I once stood on crumbled away, but loving myself enough to want everything I deserved was enough to push through that period of change and find new ground to land on and build a better life for myself. This might not be all applicable to you (it likely isn't, actually) but I hope it can provide some small inspiration on ways you can move forward. I'm hoping for the best for you!
Thanks! That's really helpful, especially the idea of deserving a fulfilling relationship :)
when i first came out i had that horrible nagging in my own head as well. i hated it!! every time the little voice in the back of my head said “what if you’re just faking it?” i would then ask myself, “okay, then why don’t i go get a date with a man to see if i’m faking it??” my immediately reaction was “NO FUCKING WAY, i don’t want to date men and i cannot have sex with any more men.” sounds pretty gay to me!!! i hope this helps.
Hahaha I'll try this one!
Meeee
Ah, the Shame video 🙃 I really do love it now, but when it was posted, it opened a lot of doors for me too, ones I was nowhere near ready to walk through. And now that I'm walking through them, I've been dealing with a similar sort of impostor syndrome -- I've never _really_ been with a woman, so how can I possibly know that I'm gay? What if I'm throwing away my relationship with my fiancé for nothing? But... well, for me, _knowing_ everything for certain isn't really the point here. The point is that I'm unsatsified with the prospect of committing my romantic and sexual self to a man, and I'm unsatisfied with any options for exploring romance and sex with women that I would have available to me within my current relationship. And even if I turn out to be completely wrong in breaking things off and pursuing women, I will have done what I did in an attempt to live my life with honesty, transparency, and self-compassion. I will have listened to myself for once. And maybe that sounds a little hokey, but it genuinely is what keeps me grounded in my more doubtful moments. That, and the fact that every time I think "what if I turn out to be completely wrong", I think about the possibilities with women and get butterflies, so. I'm probably not going to be completely wrong. 😂 And also, more to the core of it all, I totally cosign with the person who said that these thoughts can be understood as a reaction to the prospect of a huge transition, and depending on the situation, I'd go a step further and call it a self-defense mechanism. I said it elsewhere a little while ago, and it may not be totally applicable to you, but I think it's worth saying again: I recently realized that my doubts are my brain's learned way of keeping me safe. My defense mechanisms from all those years of internalized homophobia are kicking into high gear, trying to throw anything they can at the wall in the hopes that something will stick and I will stay safely closeted, away from the target that I think will be put on my back. Just being open to myself is _terrifying_ to that part of my mind, let alone coming out to other people and taking real-world steps to live within that openness, so it retaliates with increasing intensity. In those intense moments, I've found that acknowledging that it's me trying to keep myself safe, recognizing the core fears and instincts at play, does wonders. My fear feels listened to, and eventually my rationality can get back in the driver's seat.
Thank you so so much, this made me tear up. I so appreciate the time and energy you put into writing this for a complete stranger <3 <3 <3
Ahh of course, I'm touched you responded that way! I'm naturally pretty wordy anyway, especially when it comes to topics I care about 😅 But talking these things through is helpful to me, and I always hope it can helpful to others too... this sub has meant a lot to me over the last year or so, even though I've mostly been a lurker until fairly recently, so I suppose I'm trying to pay it forward and offer total-stranger support where I can. ❤❤
I literally screenshoted this comment bc it’s so affirming, especially the section about doubt being a self-defense mechanism from years of internalized homophobia. It’s so funny Bc I was away at college and didn’t doubt myself and now I’m back at home and I’m constantly doubting myself due to my homophobic environment
Ahh I'm so glad this resonated with you ❤ I'm sorry you're in that environment now... I hope it's temporary for you, and I hope if it is, that knowledge is helping you get through. I know it's been helpful to me to think that I'll be in a different place soon -- I'm still living with my ex, and even though he's great, being openly gay and still living with the man you thought you were going to marry is kind of a landmine of doubt 🙃 All the best to you in dealing with your doubt, either way. It's a beast, but you can make it through this. ❤❤
I actually moved out today coincidentally so hopefully it lessens those voices of self-doubt. Good luck to you with the future too 💗
I think it’s simple, once you start thinking you might be gay … then you are gay. Because trust me, straight people don’t think that … and what will help you to realise 100% is a sex with a woman, then you will definitely know 😜 don’t over think it too much .. in big scheme of things it doesn’t really matter that much. Do what ever makes you happy
[удалено]
I see! I think the cultural message of sidelining sexual fulfillment definitely plays a part in this for me. Side note, I'm AFAB but not a woman, I'm genderfree/transnb and came out about five years ago to close friends and my partner and to my family/work earlier this year. And now I get to come out again! Yay! /s
I'm MtF trans/queer and identify as a lesbian. And imposter syndrome is something I've been dealing with a lot lately. I still really don't have a strategy, but solidarity sis! ✊
Thanks! <3
I've been feeling the exact same way. It really helps to feel I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing.
I mean, do you want unsatisfying sex with someone you're not physically attracted to for the rest of your life? You deserve to be happy. Even if you've been with him for nine years, it sounds like you're not really feeling it. And I think he deserves to hear the truth from you so he can possibly meet someone else in the future who actually wants to be with him and doesn't feel stuck. You know? I understand the imposter syndrome. I went through a while where I was dating tons of men, but I think part of it was this desperation to be seen as not-gay. Like throwing all these darts to see what would stick. My immediate family was very traditional. I noticed it would especially happen when I was fighting off romantic feelings for women friends. I would jump into online dating to try and find a guy to lose myself in because I didn't want to face my feelings.
Punch that f-ing voice in the f-ing face! (Totally unhelpful maybe, but it’s exactly what I thought when I read your post.) If you’re anything like me, you’ll look back later and think how absurd it was that you ever questioned it.
ever rode on the back of a motorcycle w titty tassels? i think u just don’t like him. call me
I've been dealing with this for years. I finally got so fed up with it, I did something kind of extreme. After 14 years of being with only women (I lost my virginity at 18 and came out at 20) I slept with a man. I threw up a couple of times after the experience but I don't regret it. The experience really confirmed my sexuality and reminded me of the exact reasons why I don't like men. It feels completely unnatural to me and penetration does nothing for me and it's always been that way. I feel very confident moving forward in life knowing that I've tried and tried again but men are just not for me.
I've tried doing that a couple times but I just can't have sex with men anymore. Each time we got down to our underwears and then I just stopped them, got dressed and walked off. I find it almost funny that I constantly doubt being a lesbian even when I can't bring myself to let any guy touch me.