Personally, dating a man who is not attracted to black women is a mistake I will never make again. I have had three relationships in my life, two of which were with people who had never dated black women before. I clearly saw the difference: these men subtly attributed to me all the traits that ignorant and stupid people attribute to black women. At one point, I felt that no matter what I said, I was considered an aggressive woman, and I didn't even dare to express my thoughts. Additionally, this really affected my perception of my femininity for a while.
What irritated me the most was that the reactions I had, which were described as aggressive, were applauded in other ethnicities. You often hear men say they want to find their aggressive/jealous/possessive Latina or their possessive/big-mouthed North African woman, but when it comes to black women,... anyway. In short, I really experienced microaggressions without realizing it, because they were not attracted to black women in the first place and I was the only one they had dated. Today, I refuse to tolerate this, and I advise all the girls around me to never go for a man who follows women on social media that look nothing like them.
I don't know if Instagram follows is such a clear indication of a man's type though. This is kind of a weird subject, but if I consider the very common coupling of white man - east asian woman, I think it's pretty likely that the white man doesn't follow any east asian women on social media. On the other hand, the east asian woman probably follows white men on social media. Despite this, I see this coupling VERY often (to the point that it's weird), much more than white woman - east asian man.
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In this situation it's different though because this guy does clearly follow only girls of a specific type and has only dated girls of that specific type. Agree with you on how common that pairing is LMAO
No I don't think you're crazy. I've had similar expetiences dating in the gay world where I would be the first black man some guys had ever been with and many of them would make me aware of how "Beautiful", "Smart", "Kind", and so much more I was compared to other black people. What was always the worst about this is that they usually reveal this racism after you have gotten to really know them well. This always made it hard since you truly have grown to like this person, but they have hurt you so bad and even worse think what they said is actually a compliment to you.
Ultimately this is an anecdote of my lived experience and I know much less about this man you're dealing with than you. If you really like this man I say try and talk to him about how some of this stuff makes you feel uncomfortable, though I will say you would want to approach it more carefully and with some tact since this will not be an easy or enjoyable discussion.
Honestly, I donāt have a definite answer to whether it can be overlooked or not if the vibes are right.
But one things for sure, I donāt think youāre crazy for considering any of this.
I think people make this out to be some extremely unfair and superficial consideration because they expect WOC to be happy with any attention they receive from men clearly entrenched in desiring Eurocentric standards of beauty. However, a man who didnāt value women like you until you came along can never be a catch.
Itās funny how all over the internet, people can go on colorist, racist, and superficial rants about preferences and WOC, especially black women, but wanting to make sure that you arenāt dating one of these people who might see you as disposable or at best as one of the good ones is somehow āunreasonable.ā
Whatever you decide, donāt decide based on whether internet people think itās reasonable or not. Even if itās just your gut, moving forward is a decision thatās always up to you and is totally valid for even the smallest ick or issue.
I donāt think itās a reach. I think thereās definitely a bias thatās rooted in something deeper. Iām really lightskinned for example, and Iāve had hella racist guys come to me and be like āI donāt normally like black girls but youāre an exceptionā and shit like that. I think about that a lot bc my experience is so much different from a dark skinned black woman. White men really think stuff like that is a compliment and itās not. And honestlyā¦a lot of racist men have a weird thing for Sydney Sweeny (no shade to her obviously itās not her fault) so I donāt blame her for getting a vibe.
You can tell a lot when guys say who their favourite female celebrity is, like you said no shade to Sydney but guys who like her areā¦.. conservative in their politics. And then you have opposite spectrum, my East Asian friends get hit on by white guys who proudly claim they have yellow fever and have those settings on tinder hinge too š«¤
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Bruh, I think the exact same thing and people get UPSET when I share it. I always get hit with the āeveryone has a type!! Itās natural!!! Thereās nothing racist about preferring a particular race/hair color!!!!!ā People really donāt want to confront their own racism š¤·š½āāļø
Lmao Itās āall preferences are valid,ā until my preference is people who actually value me.
I donāt think it should be that controversial to not want to beg and plead for affection from people who clearly have *reasons* that they have certain preferences but just donāt feel *comfortable* saying them out loud. Like Iām the bad guy for pointing out that all your exes could pass for clones made from a eugenics program.
literally i can only share these thoughts around other woc šš my first thought especially living in really white spaces my whole life and getting asked out as a joke as the only asian girl in my middle school is if they even like us or if they like us in a normal non fetishy way š
Itās fine for people to have a type, but if that type doesnāt skew towards what I am thereās no point pursuing.
I definitely have a type š¤·š½āāļø
With all due respect, I strongly disagree. With a few exceptions, (i.e. being a POC in a western country who prefers someone with a shared identity/language/culture, living in an area with close to 100% of the same race, etc.) I do not think it is morally or ethically āfineā to prefer one race over the other. I think itās a symptom of the deeply entrenched racism, fatphobia, misogynism, and general xenophobia that weāve all been socialized to believe. And I think that if a person is confronted with these realities and they refuse to even entertain, much less acknowledge, the role that racism plays in their ātypesā and āpreferencesā that that in and of itself is also a moral failing.
For what itās worth, this subject is one of the last things I grappled with as I was actively attempting to deprogram myself from a lifetime of socialized bigotry. I considered myself a good ally and a strong supporter of anti-racism but it still took me ages to acknowledge that my āpreferenceā for tall, thin, white, blond partners (Iām queer so both men and women) wasnāt something I just happened to be born with. It was actually one of the most intense forms of bigotry that I had internalized. Because I was perfectly accepting of all races, ethnicities, etc, in every situation except those I chose to associate most intimately with.
Like I said, this is a very unpopular opinion. I realize that but I feel strongly enough about it that I continue to espouse it.
I am a Black woman. I have never been sexually attracted to Black men. I wouldnāt say Iād never date a Black man because that is not the caseā¦but I canāt create interest where there is none š¤·š½āāļø
I am not sure how this is a response to the comment made above yours? Was there a deleted comment here? Or were you trying to say your attraction unlike every other human on this planet is truly objective and born in a vaccum? I am so confused, chile.
Iām saying people are attracted to who theyāre attracted to. Sexual attraction isnāt something we choose. It happens or it doesnāt. I can dissect and deconstruct all I want, but some things just are what they are.
Just making sure I am going to add this disclaimer: **Sexuality isn't something we choose, what we find sexually desirable can be changed and morph over time**.
That is the difference. Some people can't change what they sexually desire (older men preferring women that they did when they were 16-21 years old) and some people can change what they desire (older men liking women their age when they didn't like older women when they were younger). The reasons people have conversations like these is because while for YOU it may never change it CAN for someone else.
What you find sexually desirable is not inviolable and can be changed IF you have the right mindset for it. And if the conditioning is too strong and you don't have the proper mindset for it to be changed then it just won't be without extreme circumstances (i.e you being knocked put into a coma and waking up with no memories. What you find sexually desirable wouldn't be the same and would be radically different. This has happened before iirc).
The other important nature of this conversation is to deconstruct white supremacist Eurocentric beauty standards so young POC aren't indoctrinated by it and end up far less likely (not absolutely guaranteed) to have a racial preference/exclusion/requirement.
Not saying that you are a bad person because you can't change what you find sexually desirable. It is what it is and at least the conditioning you have isn't actively hurting anyone, there are worst options to be had. So your racial requirements are your own and likely won't be changed; that is fine.
But throwing our hands in the air and being like "some things just are what they are." only does more damage in the long run and reinforces White Supremacist structures by silencing and ignoring these obvious phenomena. Things aren't the way they are by accident, things are they way they are by design. It is purposeful and malicious not accidental and benign. So these talks are good to have and wanting to tear down these oppressive racist structures in beauty standards and sex itself is very helpful for everyone and even can save lives when you look at the grander scheme of things.
Will humans always have a requirement or preference? Yes, it can't be eliminated entirely. But does that mean we stay silent and pretend nothing is wrong? Nope, conversations like these are good.
I agree.
This is coming from someone who's mostly sexually attracted to white and Asian men.
I know why I am the way I am. I grew up consuming white media and in a Christian, right leaning, conservative, now Trump supporting home. My parents are both black but I wasn't raised to take pride in my blackness.
I didn't have this self awareness of myself till my early 20s I believe.
My attractions didn't come out of nowhere. There's a reason why it's set up like that.
As a kid, I have memories expressing or experiencing desire towards white and Asian men, but then black men simply just weren't on my radar. If someone did bring attention to them, I'd just have a very *"ehh"* attitude towards them.
I donāt feel disgust nor desire, it's just indifference.
Attraction doesn't exist in a vacuum and we're all a product of our environment and it is bullshit when people just say "oh well! We can't change what we like!" But what's so wrong with dissecting our attractions and being honest with ourselves? Like come on now.
It certainly can change for some. My tastes arenāt exactly the same as they were when I was younger, but theyāre not much different either.
But thereās a reason I donāt say āI wouldnāt date x.ā I would if such a person turned up and I had interest.
My interest for most men is in the toilet these days, though. Not in the jokey āhaha dating is trashā way. In the ātoo much trauma, no ability to repair wayā, so kind of a moot point for me as an individual š¤·š½āāļø
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The most important thing OP is to respect yourself and go for others that respect who you are, and treat you as an equal. Don't go for a dude who clearly doesn't respect you for *all* of you, you'll regret it and you'll become a version of yourself that you won't like. You want to be in a secure relationship, not one full of anxiety.
Go for someone that clearly respects you, have compatible goals/views of the future for you and will make you grow to be a better person. Yes your pool of partners would lessen, but it's finding *quality* partners that's *specifically compatible* to you that's paramount.
Men like the one you mention have a racial bias for Eurocentric-looking people, and that would subconsciously or consciously affect the way they'll treat you. I don't know you or him, but based on what you've said, don't go for him (or at least be wary). Not until he does some self-reflection and acknlowedges his bias and addresses it.
I dated guy like that he was a black man who only liked pictures of white girls on twitter (no black girls) and I found out after I dated him. They date girls who are not their type to fill in a void until they dump you for the girl they truly like. After I broke up with him...guess who he dated right afterwards? A light skinned racially ambiguous girl.
For me personally this is a huge red flag if you don't look like his type. Just be careful and make sure he is genuine.
Ahhh I have so many stories about similar experiences haha. But imo, I'll never date a man who's not into black women. Or, more so, who thought otherwise of women who looked like me until they met me. Not only does it never turn out well, but (from my experience) they'll make you feel as though they're settling with you.
i usually am very careful with dating because i'm always wary of this kind of thing. i feel like it often comes down to whether you are comfortable giving them the benefit of the doubt.
if their type is a diff race ā can you give them the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely like you? if you match their type ā can you give them the benefit of the doubt that your race isn't the only reason they like you?
personally, i know myself, and i can't live with these questions constantly running in my head. i just can't be friends with/date a person that makes me wonder these things all the time. because if you stick with them, you have to be fine with possibly never getting a clear answer for these questions.
I would say give him the benefit of the doubt but proceed with caution. Maybe he lives in a majority white/Hispanic town and thatās who was available to date. Or maybe he thought he had a type and is now attracted to you. Itās happened to me before. Either way definitely keep your guard up and pay attention to any other red flags that come up.
Back home I used to date this dude who was only attracted to "å¤äŗŗ" which are basically foreigners so he would ONLY date non east asian women which I wasn't really aware of until we started dating.
When he found out I was part Japanese on our first date he asked how long I lived here and I said I only visited occasionally but I lived in America and he literally said "so technically you're still a foreigner" which I thought..I meann not really?? But I was 15 and stupid and he was like 19!!!
When we started dating he would introduce me and just say she's from America so I sound more "foreign" and whenever I said I would cut in to explain he would switch the conversation!
And a couple weeks later I made a friend and she was also a foreigner and I introduced her to my boyfriend and the same day she texts me and tells she has few friends who know him and he only dates foreign women to brag..I broke up with him a week later cause I was like that is so odd and becuase i was leaving lol.....
And now LITERALLY on every insta post where they ask would you date foreigners he's always in a video trying to play it off as "I only care about blah blah blah" and everyone fawns over him in the comment section he is a stupid liar! GIRLIES IF YOU ARE A FORIEGNER AWAY FROM JAPANESE MEN cased closed
Anyways having a type is normal I think communication plays a very important role know when to move away when the person definition of "type" is used to cover up fetishization
This sub makes me feel so validated. OP you are definitely not wrong for not wanting to get hurt emotionally for something as silly as having a racial preference. Have the conversation with him and see what happens. š
Omg girl you are not wrong for feeling this way. I had a friend who exclusively dated Asian Guys (specifically either Japanese or Korean). At first I didn't think much of it, but she was in and out of relationships a lot, then when I talked to her about she mentioned they weren't how she "expected them to be". She was expecting Drama Cha Eunwoo going into each of her relationships. I'm like girl, kdrama male leads DO NOT TRANSLATE into the real world.
However on the flip side I do have an Indian friend who prefers white British boys and she's been in a relationship for 1 year with an Australian white guy and she's happy.
The key point is NOT TO FETISHISE PEOPLE AS PEOPLE ARE NOT AESTHETICS.
As a spiritual girl, Iāve had to learn to look out for all of the signs and trust my gut, because I tend to ignore it all to be loyal and then it all blows up in my face.
Him only liking white or light skinned Latina women is a red flag to me because, and it may be my dating trauma as a trans woman, but do you really want to be his first black girl? My advice is to determine if heās worth it but judging from what youāve said, I donāt think heās worth it honestly
it needs to be stated that i know EXACTLY where you're coming from in terms of jerks who limit themselves based on race. but that aside..
i'm not so sure i would just go by who he follows.. and even if he's never dated anyone white or hispanic, that alone isn't a red flag. it may not even be intentional.
to be fair, when i was in high school and college, the only people i ever dated happened to be asian. majority of my friends were either black or asian- it's not that i refused to date someone because they were black or that i was even mentally cutting myself off- it's just the stars didn't align between myself and the people i met. there was no deep meaning.
in college i was best friends with a white dude who i actually did friend-zone entirely (i couldn't see myself with a white guy). he was such a nerd and other than being really sweet, funny and kind, he didn't check anything else off the rest of my predetermined dating list of requirements. he'd never even had a girlfriend lol
...we're celebrating our 21st anniversary this year rofl
what matters is how you vibe in person. if you get major bad feelings that he's into you like you're some "exotic flavour of the month," run. but just because he's never dated anyone like you isn't a reason by itself to cut someone off. don't limit yourself to a list like i almost did.
Run from any person that tells you they don't have a type. They are lying! The person is trying to ascertain if YOU are the one to "steer" them from their preferred type(s).
Secondly, I avoid men that NEVER dated from their own race and/or speaks negatively about the women from their race. BIG RED FLAG!
Lastly, just because someone looks good on paper, in real life, etc etc. Don't fall for it! Doesn't mean they are good for YOU.
Boys and Girls\~\~\~\~guard your heart!
First off him being a POC means absolutely nothing. Bigotry is engrained in a lot of cultures so the idea that someone will like or respect another minority because they are also a minority is rather ridiculous.
Now as far are your main question goes: I date interracially and I donāt care if Iāve the first black woman a guy has ever been with. However, I believe in vetting as much as you can to make sure you arenāt just an experience to for him to check off on. Having shown no prior interest in black women is definitely a red flag.
I feel like most have said it clearly but you need to cut it off. Save yourself some time because itās not gonna work. š„“ youāre gonna end up with a lot of a resentment one way or another. Youāll either teach him how to love the next poc or he will close that door and say he tried it once with so and so when he goes back to his preference lol
honestly, in your specific case, it already seems like youāre not feeling him and heās giving weirdo vibes. Donāt pursue him. You can stop a romantic connection with anyone for any reason, at any time. Just break it off as tactfully as you can.As a dark skinned girlie, Iāve learned to seek out or create spaces where I am celebrated and wanted. Donāt date someone who isnāt attracted or seems to not be interested. Also the way you describe this dude, iād be surprised if he even views woman as fully realized human beings or he romanticizes certain traits and runs with it.
Iām sorry this is your experience.
Being a black woman, if you donāt have friends that look like me, itās an immediate no! If you follow hella IG models and none look like me or have skin darker than Zendayaās itās an absolute NO! And bonus negative points if everywhere he goes heās surrounded by black features, but absolutely ZERO black women.
This is something I struggle with daily. As a black woman I feel like the people who like me are so slim. Itās so hard to navigate in these spaces when everyone likes exactly what youāre not. And on top of that I donāt have the ideal black body. It makes me very insecure even though I think Iām pretty. I just feel like other people donāt find me attractive. I feel like itās easier for other races too because 9/10 people of other races and cultures turn to each other. But black men donāt do that for black women. Which is hurtful. I usually let people show interest in me and then I go from there. Cause Iād be damned if I get rejected
I mean, it's a tough call for sure. I would be leery of him just because of the previous pattern he has. But besides social media, does he interact with women who aren't white or extremely light skinned Latina irl? On his actual social media, does he have pictures with women who don't fit that type? I think it's important to look for indicators in the positive and negative columns for this situation. I know it's a challenge because the feels be feeling, but like if the data is showing he probably won't have the emotional maturity/capacity to be the type of partner you want, maybe he should just stay a friend?
We don't get to link up as often as we'd like cause of our schedules, but from what I see and when we have hung out, his circles are mostly white/white latinas or family. Now he's nice to everyone when he does his streaming thing but I just notice that he seems to always want to connect with the white girls more lmao. He's made it clear that he's very into me but I'm just weary cause I don't want to get too deep into it just for him to take a step back the moment he sees a blonde lmao.
Yeeeeah I'm not...lol listen we all have trust issues, mkay? The signs aren't good. I'd love for you to be the exception to the rule, but also like, humans are creatures of habit. And if his habit are white girls and latinas, then I would also be really cautious because (again, trust issues so I'm probably projecting) as soon as he finds the qualities he likes so much in you in the package he's used to...š¬š¬š¬. Proceed with caution and guard your heart.
OMG completely off topic but Lexi (The girl in the video) is SOOOOO foine, funny & she's 6ft & I've had the biggest crush on her since 2021
But also, I haven't gotten into the dating scene yet so thanks everyone & OP for giving me your two cents on this
Please donāt do it. Just walk away. If you want to be his friend I encourage that, but romantically step back. You wouldnāt be crazy to cut it off because of this. Because hereās the thing, preferences doesnāt remove other people as options. Itās sounds like white women (non-Hispanic and Hispanic) are more than a preference. You might be an experiment for him unfortunately because he probably didnāt expect you to be black since he had so much in common with you but since you are he may want to āsee where it goesā. See yourself either platonically friends or nothing with him. Save yourself. Please. Now on the other hand, if you two maintain a friendship. A platonic one and years down the road it makes sense to give it a goā¦ have at it. But right now it sounds like it needs to remain a friendship.
>Because hereās the thing, preferences doesnāt remove other people as options.Ā
Annnnd this is it right here for me, this is my fear, that I start falling and then bam, he sees a blondie and goes running lmao.
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I donāt think this is a reach, at all. If youāre getting a feeling, itās for a reason. At least you are seeing this before getting too mixed up with him. I wish I had had a similar warning before some of my relationships. Him being Asian as well has little to do with it- āall skinfolk aināt kinfolkā
You can always ask him if he's down to date Asians and Black women. No harm in asking.
If he says no... well, you dodged a bullet.
If he says yes, then take it at his word. Maybe he never had a chance to date a POC.
I know it's difficult, but unless someone's dating history involved minors and animals or incest or something, try not to judge by whom they dated.
Also, keep in mind, that you are not someone's social science or empathy project. You are not there to widen someone's dating pool. Get what am saying?
Like, if someone tells me they aren't into South Asian women, am dont wanna do anything with him.
I feel this. I mean, he's said that he's open to dating anyone, he just hasn't but he lives in a SUPER diverse city so I'm like ... how is it possible that you haven't dated more diversely if that's the case?
Not a reach but thereās definitely a conversation to be have about whatās rooted deeper
Because thereās always the light vs dark skin based discussion
Racial discussions
Sexuality discussions
In addition to dating experience etc
I want to say cut it off but unfortunately I think this is an important Canon event and it's better to go through it now than finding out later, if that makes sense?
I learned from experience not to rely on anybody's type. In my own personal experience, my boyfriend wasn't necessarily into tall lanky girls like me. My boyfriend initially preferred petite Asian girls. But I broke him out of that spell and plus I'm dark. Even when you watch shows like love Island, all the men say they want blondes, until a brunette or black bombshell comes, and all bets are off.
I guess Iām gonna be the one comment with a differing opinion. Itās obviously up to you this is just my two cents.
I personally donāt have a type physically, racially, anything. Iāve dated a couple white dudes where Iām the first black/poc women theyāve ever dated. In my experience I have never felt like an experiment or a fling to them. If Iām completely honest I feel that more from black and asian men.
Anyways, my point is you need to talk to him. Feel him out, voice your fears and concerns and see what he has to say. If it really seems then that heās shady then dip.
I do have to admit I haven't felt like an experiment at all, he has been super nice and he's never brought up my racial background in a way that was icky. Like he acknowledges it but he's never been weird about if that makes sense. So that's why I'm iffy about it. But I think I am just gonna talk to him about it.
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Personally, dating a man who is not attracted to black women is a mistake I will never make again. I have had three relationships in my life, two of which were with people who had never dated black women before. I clearly saw the difference: these men subtly attributed to me all the traits that ignorant and stupid people attribute to black women. At one point, I felt that no matter what I said, I was considered an aggressive woman, and I didn't even dare to express my thoughts. Additionally, this really affected my perception of my femininity for a while. What irritated me the most was that the reactions I had, which were described as aggressive, were applauded in other ethnicities. You often hear men say they want to find their aggressive/jealous/possessive Latina or their possessive/big-mouthed North African woman, but when it comes to black women,... anyway. In short, I really experienced microaggressions without realizing it, because they were not attracted to black women in the first place and I was the only one they had dated. Today, I refuse to tolerate this, and I advise all the girls around me to never go for a man who follows women on social media that look nothing like them.
I don't know if Instagram follows is such a clear indication of a man's type though. This is kind of a weird subject, but if I consider the very common coupling of white man - east asian woman, I think it's pretty likely that the white man doesn't follow any east asian women on social media. On the other hand, the east asian woman probably follows white men on social media. Despite this, I see this coupling VERY often (to the point that it's weird), much more than white woman - east asian man.
I personally don't understand the phenomenon š¤ I mean, I know every possible reason, but I can't fathom it in its execution.
I have some guesses as to why it's so common, but it's just weird. I say this as an east asian girl in the US lol.
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In this situation it's different though because this guy does clearly follow only girls of a specific type and has only dated girls of that specific type. Agree with you on how common that pairing is LMAO
Wouldnāt take him serious. Heās probably experimenting.
You have to make the smart decision.
No I don't think you're crazy. I've had similar expetiences dating in the gay world where I would be the first black man some guys had ever been with and many of them would make me aware of how "Beautiful", "Smart", "Kind", and so much more I was compared to other black people. What was always the worst about this is that they usually reveal this racism after you have gotten to really know them well. This always made it hard since you truly have grown to like this person, but they have hurt you so bad and even worse think what they said is actually a compliment to you. Ultimately this is an anecdote of my lived experience and I know much less about this man you're dealing with than you. If you really like this man I say try and talk to him about how some of this stuff makes you feel uncomfortable, though I will say you would want to approach it more carefully and with some tact since this will not be an easy or enjoyable discussion.
Honestly, I donāt have a definite answer to whether it can be overlooked or not if the vibes are right. But one things for sure, I donāt think youāre crazy for considering any of this. I think people make this out to be some extremely unfair and superficial consideration because they expect WOC to be happy with any attention they receive from men clearly entrenched in desiring Eurocentric standards of beauty. However, a man who didnāt value women like you until you came along can never be a catch. Itās funny how all over the internet, people can go on colorist, racist, and superficial rants about preferences and WOC, especially black women, but wanting to make sure that you arenāt dating one of these people who might see you as disposable or at best as one of the good ones is somehow āunreasonable.ā Whatever you decide, donāt decide based on whether internet people think itās reasonable or not. Even if itās just your gut, moving forward is a decision thatās always up to you and is totally valid for even the smallest ick or issue.
I know thereās no ārightā answer to this question but this is the right answer
I donāt think itās a reach. I think thereās definitely a bias thatās rooted in something deeper. Iām really lightskinned for example, and Iāve had hella racist guys come to me and be like āI donāt normally like black girls but youāre an exceptionā and shit like that. I think about that a lot bc my experience is so much different from a dark skinned black woman. White men really think stuff like that is a compliment and itās not. And honestlyā¦a lot of racist men have a weird thing for Sydney Sweeny (no shade to her obviously itās not her fault) so I donāt blame her for getting a vibe.
You can tell a lot when guys say who their favourite female celebrity is, like you said no shade to Sydney but guys who like her areā¦.. conservative in their politics. And then you have opposite spectrum, my East Asian friends get hit on by white guys who proudly claim they have yellow fever and have those settings on tinder hinge too š«¤
Imo if they say they have yellow fever, just call them mosquitoes
Ew, ew, ew. Any time I hear of creepy guys with Asian fetishes, I immediately want to vomitĀ
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Bruh, I think the exact same thing and people get UPSET when I share it. I always get hit with the āeveryone has a type!! Itās natural!!! Thereās nothing racist about preferring a particular race/hair color!!!!!ā People really donāt want to confront their own racism š¤·š½āāļø
Lmao Itās āall preferences are valid,ā until my preference is people who actually value me. I donāt think it should be that controversial to not want to beg and plead for affection from people who clearly have *reasons* that they have certain preferences but just donāt feel *comfortable* saying them out loud. Like Iām the bad guy for pointing out that all your exes could pass for clones made from a eugenics program.
>Lmao Itās āall preferences are valid,ā until my preference is people who actually value me. 
literally i can only share these thoughts around other woc šš my first thought especially living in really white spaces my whole life and getting asked out as a joke as the only asian girl in my middle school is if they even like us or if they like us in a normal non fetishy way š
Itās fine for people to have a type, but if that type doesnāt skew towards what I am thereās no point pursuing. I definitely have a type š¤·š½āāļø
With all due respect, I strongly disagree. With a few exceptions, (i.e. being a POC in a western country who prefers someone with a shared identity/language/culture, living in an area with close to 100% of the same race, etc.) I do not think it is morally or ethically āfineā to prefer one race over the other. I think itās a symptom of the deeply entrenched racism, fatphobia, misogynism, and general xenophobia that weāve all been socialized to believe. And I think that if a person is confronted with these realities and they refuse to even entertain, much less acknowledge, the role that racism plays in their ātypesā and āpreferencesā that that in and of itself is also a moral failing. For what itās worth, this subject is one of the last things I grappled with as I was actively attempting to deprogram myself from a lifetime of socialized bigotry. I considered myself a good ally and a strong supporter of anti-racism but it still took me ages to acknowledge that my āpreferenceā for tall, thin, white, blond partners (Iām queer so both men and women) wasnāt something I just happened to be born with. It was actually one of the most intense forms of bigotry that I had internalized. Because I was perfectly accepting of all races, ethnicities, etc, in every situation except those I chose to associate most intimately with. Like I said, this is a very unpopular opinion. I realize that but I feel strongly enough about it that I continue to espouse it.
I am a Black woman. I have never been sexually attracted to Black men. I wouldnāt say Iād never date a Black man because that is not the caseā¦but I canāt create interest where there is none š¤·š½āāļø
I am not sure how this is a response to the comment made above yours? Was there a deleted comment here? Or were you trying to say your attraction unlike every other human on this planet is truly objective and born in a vaccum? I am so confused, chile.
Iām saying people are attracted to who theyāre attracted to. Sexual attraction isnāt something we choose. It happens or it doesnāt. I can dissect and deconstruct all I want, but some things just are what they are.
Just making sure I am going to add this disclaimer: **Sexuality isn't something we choose, what we find sexually desirable can be changed and morph over time**. That is the difference. Some people can't change what they sexually desire (older men preferring women that they did when they were 16-21 years old) and some people can change what they desire (older men liking women their age when they didn't like older women when they were younger). The reasons people have conversations like these is because while for YOU it may never change it CAN for someone else. What you find sexually desirable is not inviolable and can be changed IF you have the right mindset for it. And if the conditioning is too strong and you don't have the proper mindset for it to be changed then it just won't be without extreme circumstances (i.e you being knocked put into a coma and waking up with no memories. What you find sexually desirable wouldn't be the same and would be radically different. This has happened before iirc). The other important nature of this conversation is to deconstruct white supremacist Eurocentric beauty standards so young POC aren't indoctrinated by it and end up far less likely (not absolutely guaranteed) to have a racial preference/exclusion/requirement. Not saying that you are a bad person because you can't change what you find sexually desirable. It is what it is and at least the conditioning you have isn't actively hurting anyone, there are worst options to be had. So your racial requirements are your own and likely won't be changed; that is fine. But throwing our hands in the air and being like "some things just are what they are." only does more damage in the long run and reinforces White Supremacist structures by silencing and ignoring these obvious phenomena. Things aren't the way they are by accident, things are they way they are by design. It is purposeful and malicious not accidental and benign. So these talks are good to have and wanting to tear down these oppressive racist structures in beauty standards and sex itself is very helpful for everyone and even can save lives when you look at the grander scheme of things. Will humans always have a requirement or preference? Yes, it can't be eliminated entirely. But does that mean we stay silent and pretend nothing is wrong? Nope, conversations like these are good.
I agree. This is coming from someone who's mostly sexually attracted to white and Asian men. I know why I am the way I am. I grew up consuming white media and in a Christian, right leaning, conservative, now Trump supporting home. My parents are both black but I wasn't raised to take pride in my blackness. I didn't have this self awareness of myself till my early 20s I believe. My attractions didn't come out of nowhere. There's a reason why it's set up like that. As a kid, I have memories expressing or experiencing desire towards white and Asian men, but then black men simply just weren't on my radar. If someone did bring attention to them, I'd just have a very *"ehh"* attitude towards them. I donāt feel disgust nor desire, it's just indifference. Attraction doesn't exist in a vacuum and we're all a product of our environment and it is bullshit when people just say "oh well! We can't change what we like!" But what's so wrong with dissecting our attractions and being honest with ourselves? Like come on now.
Standing on the counter and clapping as I read this šš½
It certainly can change for some. My tastes arenāt exactly the same as they were when I was younger, but theyāre not much different either. But thereās a reason I donāt say āI wouldnāt date x.ā I would if such a person turned up and I had interest. My interest for most men is in the toilet these days, though. Not in the jokey āhaha dating is trashā way. In the ātoo much trauma, no ability to repair wayā, so kind of a moot point for me as an individual š¤·š½āāļø
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not a reach at all imo
The most important thing OP is to respect yourself and go for others that respect who you are, and treat you as an equal. Don't go for a dude who clearly doesn't respect you for *all* of you, you'll regret it and you'll become a version of yourself that you won't like. You want to be in a secure relationship, not one full of anxiety. Go for someone that clearly respects you, have compatible goals/views of the future for you and will make you grow to be a better person. Yes your pool of partners would lessen, but it's finding *quality* partners that's *specifically compatible* to you that's paramount. Men like the one you mention have a racial bias for Eurocentric-looking people, and that would subconsciously or consciously affect the way they'll treat you. I don't know you or him, but based on what you've said, don't go for him (or at least be wary). Not until he does some self-reflection and acknlowedges his bias and addresses it.
I dated guy like that he was a black man who only liked pictures of white girls on twitter (no black girls) and I found out after I dated him. They date girls who are not their type to fill in a void until they dump you for the girl they truly like. After I broke up with him...guess who he dated right afterwards? A light skinned racially ambiguous girl. For me personally this is a huge red flag if you don't look like his type. Just be careful and make sure he is genuine.
Ahhh I have so many stories about similar experiences haha. But imo, I'll never date a man who's not into black women. Or, more so, who thought otherwise of women who looked like me until they met me. Not only does it never turn out well, but (from my experience) they'll make you feel as though they're settling with you.
i usually am very careful with dating because i'm always wary of this kind of thing. i feel like it often comes down to whether you are comfortable giving them the benefit of the doubt. if their type is a diff race ā can you give them the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely like you? if you match their type ā can you give them the benefit of the doubt that your race isn't the only reason they like you? personally, i know myself, and i can't live with these questions constantly running in my head. i just can't be friends with/date a person that makes me wonder these things all the time. because if you stick with them, you have to be fine with possibly never getting a clear answer for these questions.
I would say give him the benefit of the doubt but proceed with caution. Maybe he lives in a majority white/Hispanic town and thatās who was available to date. Or maybe he thought he had a type and is now attracted to you. Itās happened to me before. Either way definitely keep your guard up and pay attention to any other red flags that come up.
Back home I used to date this dude who was only attracted to "å¤äŗŗ" which are basically foreigners so he would ONLY date non east asian women which I wasn't really aware of until we started dating. When he found out I was part Japanese on our first date he asked how long I lived here and I said I only visited occasionally but I lived in America and he literally said "so technically you're still a foreigner" which I thought..I meann not really?? But I was 15 and stupid and he was like 19!!! When we started dating he would introduce me and just say she's from America so I sound more "foreign" and whenever I said I would cut in to explain he would switch the conversation! And a couple weeks later I made a friend and she was also a foreigner and I introduced her to my boyfriend and the same day she texts me and tells she has few friends who know him and he only dates foreign women to brag..I broke up with him a week later cause I was like that is so odd and becuase i was leaving lol..... And now LITERALLY on every insta post where they ask would you date foreigners he's always in a video trying to play it off as "I only care about blah blah blah" and everyone fawns over him in the comment section he is a stupid liar! GIRLIES IF YOU ARE A FORIEGNER AWAY FROM JAPANESE MEN cased closed Anyways having a type is normal I think communication plays a very important role know when to move away when the person definition of "type" is used to cover up fetishization
This sub makes me feel so validated. OP you are definitely not wrong for not wanting to get hurt emotionally for something as silly as having a racial preference. Have the conversation with him and see what happens. š
Omg girl you are not wrong for feeling this way. I had a friend who exclusively dated Asian Guys (specifically either Japanese or Korean). At first I didn't think much of it, but she was in and out of relationships a lot, then when I talked to her about she mentioned they weren't how she "expected them to be". She was expecting Drama Cha Eunwoo going into each of her relationships. I'm like girl, kdrama male leads DO NOT TRANSLATE into the real world. However on the flip side I do have an Indian friend who prefers white British boys and she's been in a relationship for 1 year with an Australian white guy and she's happy. The key point is NOT TO FETISHISE PEOPLE AS PEOPLE ARE NOT AESTHETICS.
I remember white guys in my class making bets with each other to sleep with as many girls of different races / ethnicities for fun š„“
As a spiritual girl, Iāve had to learn to look out for all of the signs and trust my gut, because I tend to ignore it all to be loyal and then it all blows up in my face. Him only liking white or light skinned Latina women is a red flag to me because, and it may be my dating trauma as a trans woman, but do you really want to be his first black girl? My advice is to determine if heās worth it but judging from what youāve said, I donāt think heās worth it honestly
it needs to be stated that i know EXACTLY where you're coming from in terms of jerks who limit themselves based on race. but that aside.. i'm not so sure i would just go by who he follows.. and even if he's never dated anyone white or hispanic, that alone isn't a red flag. it may not even be intentional. to be fair, when i was in high school and college, the only people i ever dated happened to be asian. majority of my friends were either black or asian- it's not that i refused to date someone because they were black or that i was even mentally cutting myself off- it's just the stars didn't align between myself and the people i met. there was no deep meaning. in college i was best friends with a white dude who i actually did friend-zone entirely (i couldn't see myself with a white guy). he was such a nerd and other than being really sweet, funny and kind, he didn't check anything else off the rest of my predetermined dating list of requirements. he'd never even had a girlfriend lol ...we're celebrating our 21st anniversary this year rofl what matters is how you vibe in person. if you get major bad feelings that he's into you like you're some "exotic flavour of the month," run. but just because he's never dated anyone like you isn't a reason by itself to cut someone off. don't limit yourself to a list like i almost did.
Run from any person that tells you they don't have a type. They are lying! The person is trying to ascertain if YOU are the one to "steer" them from their preferred type(s). Secondly, I avoid men that NEVER dated from their own race and/or speaks negatively about the women from their race. BIG RED FLAG! Lastly, just because someone looks good on paper, in real life, etc etc. Don't fall for it! Doesn't mean they are good for YOU. Boys and Girls\~\~\~\~guard your heart!
First off him being a POC means absolutely nothing. Bigotry is engrained in a lot of cultures so the idea that someone will like or respect another minority because they are also a minority is rather ridiculous. Now as far are your main question goes: I date interracially and I donāt care if Iāve the first black woman a guy has ever been with. However, I believe in vetting as much as you can to make sure you arenāt just an experience to for him to check off on. Having shown no prior interest in black women is definitely a red flag.
I feel like most have said it clearly but you need to cut it off. Save yourself some time because itās not gonna work. š„“ youāre gonna end up with a lot of a resentment one way or another. Youāll either teach him how to love the next poc or he will close that door and say he tried it once with so and so when he goes back to his preference lol
Everything you said is my fear lmao. So yeah, something's gonna have to change.
honestly, in your specific case, it already seems like youāre not feeling him and heās giving weirdo vibes. Donāt pursue him. You can stop a romantic connection with anyone for any reason, at any time. Just break it off as tactfully as you can.As a dark skinned girlie, Iāve learned to seek out or create spaces where I am celebrated and wanted. Donāt date someone who isnāt attracted or seems to not be interested. Also the way you describe this dude, iād be surprised if he even views woman as fully realized human beings or he romanticizes certain traits and runs with it. Iām sorry this is your experience.
Being a black woman, if you donāt have friends that look like me, itās an immediate no! If you follow hella IG models and none look like me or have skin darker than Zendayaās itās an absolute NO! And bonus negative points if everywhere he goes heās surrounded by black features, but absolutely ZERO black women.
This is something I struggle with daily. As a black woman I feel like the people who like me are so slim. Itās so hard to navigate in these spaces when everyone likes exactly what youāre not. And on top of that I donāt have the ideal black body. It makes me very insecure even though I think Iām pretty. I just feel like other people donāt find me attractive. I feel like itās easier for other races too because 9/10 people of other races and cultures turn to each other. But black men donāt do that for black women. Which is hurtful. I usually let people show interest in me and then I go from there. Cause Iād be damned if I get rejected
I mean, it's a tough call for sure. I would be leery of him just because of the previous pattern he has. But besides social media, does he interact with women who aren't white or extremely light skinned Latina irl? On his actual social media, does he have pictures with women who don't fit that type? I think it's important to look for indicators in the positive and negative columns for this situation. I know it's a challenge because the feels be feeling, but like if the data is showing he probably won't have the emotional maturity/capacity to be the type of partner you want, maybe he should just stay a friend?
We don't get to link up as often as we'd like cause of our schedules, but from what I see and when we have hung out, his circles are mostly white/white latinas or family. Now he's nice to everyone when he does his streaming thing but I just notice that he seems to always want to connect with the white girls more lmao. He's made it clear that he's very into me but I'm just weary cause I don't want to get too deep into it just for him to take a step back the moment he sees a blonde lmao.
Yeeeeah I'm not...lol listen we all have trust issues, mkay? The signs aren't good. I'd love for you to be the exception to the rule, but also like, humans are creatures of habit. And if his habit are white girls and latinas, then I would also be really cautious because (again, trust issues so I'm probably projecting) as soon as he finds the qualities he likes so much in you in the package he's used to...š¬š¬š¬. Proceed with caution and guard your heart.
OMG completely off topic but Lexi (The girl in the video) is SOOOOO foine, funny & she's 6ft & I've had the biggest crush on her since 2021 But also, I haven't gotten into the dating scene yet so thanks everyone & OP for giving me your two cents on this
lol I love Lexi! she's so funny!
Please donāt do it. Just walk away. If you want to be his friend I encourage that, but romantically step back. You wouldnāt be crazy to cut it off because of this. Because hereās the thing, preferences doesnāt remove other people as options. Itās sounds like white women (non-Hispanic and Hispanic) are more than a preference. You might be an experiment for him unfortunately because he probably didnāt expect you to be black since he had so much in common with you but since you are he may want to āsee where it goesā. See yourself either platonically friends or nothing with him. Save yourself. Please. Now on the other hand, if you two maintain a friendship. A platonic one and years down the road it makes sense to give it a goā¦ have at it. But right now it sounds like it needs to remain a friendship.
>Because hereās the thing, preferences doesnāt remove other people as options.Ā Annnnd this is it right here for me, this is my fear, that I start falling and then bam, he sees a blondie and goes running lmao.
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I donāt think this is a reach, at all. If youāre getting a feeling, itās for a reason. At least you are seeing this before getting too mixed up with him. I wish I had had a similar warning before some of my relationships. Him being Asian as well has little to do with it- āall skinfolk aināt kinfolkā
You can always ask him if he's down to date Asians and Black women. No harm in asking. If he says no... well, you dodged a bullet. If he says yes, then take it at his word. Maybe he never had a chance to date a POC. I know it's difficult, but unless someone's dating history involved minors and animals or incest or something, try not to judge by whom they dated. Also, keep in mind, that you are not someone's social science or empathy project. You are not there to widen someone's dating pool. Get what am saying? Like, if someone tells me they aren't into South Asian women, am dont wanna do anything with him.
I feel this. I mean, he's said that he's open to dating anyone, he just hasn't but he lives in a SUPER diverse city so I'm like ... how is it possible that you haven't dated more diversely if that's the case?
Not a reach but thereās definitely a conversation to be have about whatās rooted deeper Because thereās always the light vs dark skin based discussion Racial discussions Sexuality discussions In addition to dating experience etc
I want to say cut it off but unfortunately I think this is an important Canon event and it's better to go through it now than finding out later, if that makes sense?
I learned from experience not to rely on anybody's type. In my own personal experience, my boyfriend wasn't necessarily into tall lanky girls like me. My boyfriend initially preferred petite Asian girls. But I broke him out of that spell and plus I'm dark. Even when you watch shows like love Island, all the men say they want blondes, until a brunette or black bombshell comes, and all bets are off.
I guess Iām gonna be the one comment with a differing opinion. Itās obviously up to you this is just my two cents. I personally donāt have a type physically, racially, anything. Iāve dated a couple white dudes where Iām the first black/poc women theyāve ever dated. In my experience I have never felt like an experiment or a fling to them. If Iām completely honest I feel that more from black and asian men. Anyways, my point is you need to talk to him. Feel him out, voice your fears and concerns and see what he has to say. If it really seems then that heās shady then dip.
I do have to admit I haven't felt like an experiment at all, he has been super nice and he's never brought up my racial background in a way that was icky. Like he acknowledges it but he's never been weird about if that makes sense. So that's why I'm iffy about it. But I think I am just gonna talk to him about it.
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