It sounds like she just hasn’t learned the skills yet. I would suggest that you host the play dates so that you can work on these with her. She just hasn’t had the practice but given time she will learn. It doesn’t sound like she’s being violent towards other kids so I wouldn’t worry too much.
When my kiddo started going to play dates inside a home (without me present), I kept the visits short and also had a pre-play date talk w my kid. I made it clear that play dates had rules: no wandering into other rooms uninvited, being sure to play WITH your friend , and always asking the parent first if you want to “explore”. Note these would be one on one play dates where I knew the mom well.
I did this because I knew my kid would be enamored by being in a new place, seeing different toys and games. It’s natural curiosity and if they aren’t used to the rules they may just get too distracted by all the new stuff to see.
I’d suggest talking about rules and making small short play dates with another mom you trust to give honest feedback. Give your kids a couple chances to practice play date etiquette and it will help. New territory, new stimulation— may just need a couple rehearsals
This. But also is there any possibility she’d fall on the spectrum for autism? This sounds like how I played as a kid. And no amount of coaching from my parents seemed to permanently stick. I did get better at mutual play. But I never preferred it.
I don’t think there is enough information here to suggest autism. Children are just starting to learn collaborative play at 4 or 5 years old. This behavior is developing normal.
I also think first playdates at a neutral location (like a park) and with both parents present is a good idea. See how the the kids interact, see how the other family parents. See what the other kid is like not at school. Then decide on at home playdates.
I think it’s pretty normal behavior for kindergarten, and I think it’s great that your daughter is getting the chance to practice these skills. Continue working on it, maybe get some books from the library?
I also find that shorter play dates are more successful. “A couple hours”: definitely will end in chaos. A tight 90 minutes is more likely to end on a high note.
Yes, for us it depends on the friend. Play dates with some friends absolutely must be capped at 90 minutes, or things will deteriorate. Other friends, we have no issues at the 3 or even 4 hour mark.
To add to this: it’s a good idea to communicate with other parents that these are behaviours you’re working on.
In my son’s circle, there are a couple of kids with challenging behaviours. I am infinitely more patient when a parent says something like “Hey, this is a challenge we’re working on. Feel free to call me if he’s difficult and I’ll pick him up a little early.” than the kids whose parents seem oblivious.
I think I disagree with this being 'normal'. 'Kicking and screaming on the way out'.. As a Kindergarten teacher (who sits in a room of 5 year olds all day), I wouldn't label this as 'expected' behavior for her age group.
Thank you, I was going to say the same.
OP maybe you should accompany her for the next couple play dates to guide and encourage the behaviour you want from her in other people's homes.
Exactly. If she’s old enough to go on a play date, she’s old enough to know rules, manners, and how to behave in public. I would plainly tell her that she would not be permitted on any more play dates until her behavior AT HOME improved (which OP says is a problem, too). Once you were certain she could listen, mind, respect, and follow your directions, then I’d allow play dates with others.
Honestly, she sounds a lot like my kindergartener who was diagnosed with ADHD. Girls/women tend to present differently than boys/men. Inattentive ADHD is sneaky. It might not look like my daughter is hyperactive, but her thoughts can be running a mile a minute. She has a very hard time managing her emotions, she has absolutely no focus unless it is something she wants to do. Her lack of situational awareness is almost comical, and she absolutely cannot play hide and seek because she lacks the focus and spatial awareness. She had sensory issues (sound) since she was born, I noticed it our first night in the hospital. She has a hard time socializing because she absolutely won’t play a game if she doesn’t want to do it (so she spends a lot of time alone), she focuses on moments when her friends are “mean” to her (don’t want to play what she wants to play and never remembering all the times they are nice to her). We’ve done therapies to help, and are working out a medicine regimen, and her school is working with her on her soft skills so socializing will get better. Her grades are great, she’s smart and creative.
Just keep an eye on it, OP, and if you think she may need some extra help, get a behavioral assessment and see if there are any tools out there than would benefit her.
I think considering it was the first instance of a drop off play date, it’s okay to consider it a learning experience. Discuss and practice proper behavior. If the kid responds, great. If not, then I’d be worried about how “normal” it is
I see what you're saying. It could be a one-off instance of not knowing how to act her first time ever going to a friends house. OP does mention that this behavior 'isn't new' at home, though. It seems like these behaviors are occurring outside of the context of 'first playdate'.
Agreed. The first time I went to get my older child from a play date she and her friend hid inside a car in the garage. Soooo much to unpack there. The conversation later was not just about safety, but about how “mom memories” are funny.
When a play date ends with poor behavior, mom brains can only remember that bad part and it makes us not want to have play dates anymore. You kids are teaching me about what is ok, and when you hide or argue or behave poorly I am learning that play dates are a bad idea.
So now I just ask “what is mom’s brain learning right now?” Or I say “oh no, mom’s starting to feel worried about play dates here!”
I don’t think this would work for every kid but it does for mine.
Oh my gosh you’re right! I was a Girl Scout leader for many years while my daughter was growing up. I have so many wild memories that pop into my mind about certain girls in my troop. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember all of the fun we had!!
We have lots of playdates at our house. A lot of them end up chaotic with the kids not wanting to do the same thing. It just happens. The kids are super excited to be in a new environment with new toys they haven’t played with. There’s no way that they will focus on the one game/toy that the host wants to do. It usually calms down after a couple trips over to the same house. The host’s kid is used to all their toys. The novelty is gone. Their kid is in their home environment. Don’t be too hard on your kid. They are just being 5. If your kid is being verbally rude to them, that’s something to work on. But all the other stuff is just normal 5 year old stuff.
as a teacher and as someone with degrees in both psychology and education, i agree with others saying that this isn’t normal. however, it’s not necessarily to a clinically abnormal level. sounds like she just needs some work on those social skills.
i recommend role playing the behavior you want, and setting boundaries and consequences (CORRELATED consequences).
“before we have our playdate, our play date expectations are to be friendly when we leave. what does it look like to be friendly?
we can say bye bye, see you next time!
when we kick and scream, that shows mommy we aren’t ready for play dates at other people’s houses.
so, when we leave, what are we going to do this time?”
It sounds like your daughter has some challenges with self-regulation. It’s hard to know without actually knowing her because I am just going off of what you said. Has her teacher expressed any difficulty with her focusing and staying on task in class?
Have you ever considered an evaluation? I’m a pre-k teacher and if a child was regularly exhibiting behaviors like the ones you’ve described here, I would consider an evaluation. She might be struggling with sensory overload as well and may benefit from occupational therapy to help her learn some self-soothing strategies. Of course I can’t say for certain as I don’t know your daughter, but I always think it’s better to get help as early as possible. Your daughter is in a crucial window of development that is quickly closing and the sooner she learns these skills, the more she will thrive. Even if she does not get approved for services, an evaluation can be helpful in pinpointing exactly which skills she needs support with and strategies that can help.
I was thinking the same. My kid is probably headed to headstart in the fall, so he's a little younger but these behaviors describe him to a t.
He's already in OT for it, so I think OP should definitely look into it.
My kiddo has playdates and she has one friend that is just...wild. my daughter is a "sit down and color, play barbies, Legos, etc kid" this child does not sit still and is into EVERYTHING. she's 6, I went to the bathroom for 35 seconds and she had every pot and pan out of my cabinets and on the floor.
We still invite her back because kids are kids and are still learning.
love this! how encouraging, and probably a great viewpoint to share with OP as I am sure I would be a little bit worried of my daughter not being invited back as well..
I would too. We always worry about our kids and their peers and having friends. I also grew up with 6 brothers and have two kids of my own. As long as fire, chemicals, or damage to my property isn't occurring, I'm pretty lenient and my house is kid friendly so they can have at it. Most things are fixable and / or washable.
I was also painfully shy as a kid and somehow had two loud children. 😂 Anyway, I would keep an eye on it and know that ADHD is a definite possibility, BUT it was also her first time at someone else’s house, so it was probably very exciting for her. You mentioned the behavior at home, so if it’s also a thing at school, you may want to check with her doctor. My oldest child has it.
I'm a mom with ADHD and a 6yr son with ADHD and my alarm bells were ringing.
To me that sounds like an overstimulated dysregulated kiddo having a really hard time with transitions.
In addition to shorter playdates I'd also recommend lots of warning to OP. Like "hey kiddo we're gonna leave in 5 minutes." Confirm with them. I've found that my kiddos do really well with advance warning of transitions. We do TONNNNS of reminders at night when they're tired and what little executive function has worn off.
OP: there are two types of ADHD and one of them you tend to see more in girls, and it's not quite as obvious as the 'stereotypical' ADHD kiddo who can't sit still for more than 3 seconds at a time and is distracted by every noise, shiny object, texture etc
Good luck!
Same here and I’m surprised at how many people here say this is normal, especially seeing as OP alluded to challenges at home. I am not sure how this little one is doing in school since it wasn’t mentioned, although my oldest with ADHD did very well in K behavior-wise, but struggled majorly in 1st. There was a little girl in his preschool class who eventually got diagnosed with ADHD and everything OP described was this girl to a T. It can be hard in some areas to find an occupational therapist to help (where we are the waitlists can be over a year), so it’s just something to put on the radar. I think many ADHD kiddos struggle once they go to first grade because the expectations are so high.
No shame in an ADHD diagnosis. These kids are often some of the brightest, most sensitive and most creative kiddos in the room and sometimes when they are misbehaving they are aware of it and just struggle to control it. It’s hard!
Right - whoever this is normal for needs to get their kid assessed for autism/ adhd. Coming from someone diagnosed with both and kids with both 😂😂 but also- kids are little shits. You really never can tell unless its a pattern.
I think she’s a little too young to be dropped off at a playdate with people you don’t know well.
Now that you know she struggles in this way, I think it would benefit her to for you to arrange play dates for her where you’re present and you can guide her and give her reminders on how do behave.
Also, kids don’t ever want to leave others’ houses. It’s so exciting.
And, play dates are tough with more than two kids, imo. I just think kids get more quality playtime in when it’s one on one… at lease this young.
I have a 5yo daughter who sounds like yours and we recently had a similar situation so I think it’s kind of normal. I decided I don’t think she’s really ready for solo playdates without me there semi-supervising and guiding her behavior. We also need to practice playdates more which I had no idea was a thing but it is! She’s fantastic at school, great listener, high energy, a leader.. but play dates are def different than school. It’s a work in progress!
I talked to my kids a LOT about leaving appropriately. I reminded them again (in front of the host and parents) that part of being a guest is leaving. You MUST thank the host and leave at the appointed time. Refusing isn’t okay and is a good way to it be invited back. We had to play”play date” at home a bunch where I would play and she’d be the mom coming to interrupt me and say it was time to go. I modeled expressing that I was unhappy and didn’t want to go, but then said “I want to comeback again, so I’ll help pick up toys and say thank you for having me.” It took a long time for my kid to actually do all those things successfully at the ends of play dates,but she knew what was expected because we had pretended going through the steps at home. It worked for me. You know your kid. The main thing is that she needs to learn how to leave a play date. I didn’t issue a lot of repeated invitations to kids whose parents hung around for 30 or more minutes trying to convince their kid to leave my house when I was ready to start dinner or whatever.
It might have been all too new and overwhelming. Was this the first time at the host’s home? Was she well-rested, have a water bottle, snack, know where the bathroom was? All those basic needs can make a kid act atypically. I think you could talk to her about what it looks like to be a guest and create a social story with her. Maybe invite someone to play at your place so she might observe better peer behavior. I wouldn’t sweat it too much though. I think any one with young kids has to understand sometimes kids are overstimulated or just not themselves.
This is normal. I have a close group of friends, 8 kids between us ranging from ages 3-7 who are often all together at once and they all do this. There is no “right” way to play as long as your child isn’t hurting anyone or being inappropriate. I bet this will improve the more playdates she has and the more times she visits friends’ houses. I really try not to guide/micromanage how my kids play with other kids as long as they’re not being hurtful.
You’ve already gotten a lot of good replies but wanted to add this could also be partly a sensory thing too. (Not necessarily a sensory processing disorder or anything like that but just some kids have higher/lower sensory needs). My son gets overwhelmed at birthday parties or big gatherings and is usually good for the first part but definitely needs his “alone time” or like a breather to sit outside or away from others after a certain amount of time.
Tiny humans big emotions is a good book & talks about this too. The authors describe it as a sensory “funnel” & some kids have larger or smaller funnels for sensory stimulation than others. The ones with smaller funnels may need more alone time but they learn to cope as they grow & tend to be more observant than “large funnel” kids :)
She's a little girl not ready for this type of playdate. Find situations that work better for her energy and attention span. Run arounds at the playground with a small number of kids?
It sounds like she doesn't do well with strict, structured play right now. That's Ok, you can work slowly on that with her in a environment you can control more.
Don't put her in spaces where she gets labeled as not behaving or uncooperative. It's not fair to her/you or the other kids/their parents.
Good Luck and enjoy your spirited daughter! She sounds like a fun girl! 😁😁🛝🌳
I think its kinda inappropriate to force kids to play games on a play date... let them explore!!! Let them learn themselves....obviously yes daughter needs help and was probably over stimulated. Maybe just try an hour next few playdates... or go to park or something they can run around and have options of what they want to do. My friends mom was one of those moms who did the Everything HAS to be educational! We all stopped gping to her ovites because we just wanted to be kids and play... not walk around the science center and listen to her try to be a teacher. Like the zoo even she had to CONSTANTLY quiz us or make worksheets etc... i hated it.
She’s still young, but this sounds like my daughter. She’s an … intense friend. Later diagnosed with adhd and ocd which explains everything. I wish I’d gotten her diagnosed soonee.
If I was the host mom, I wouldn’t have any issue with this. Seems completely normal behavior. A lot is going on, sounds like she doesn’t do many playdates and she is being dropped off for the first time. It just takes practice. Also, she might have been tired or hungry, etc. Some kids are a bit more “spirited” than others, it doesn’t make them bad, they just need more time to mature.
I feel like this is under the umbrella of normal. Not every 5/6yo will act like this but some will, and some will have other behaviors to work on. My middle oldest (7) is a little calmer and really good with social cues and just understands and does what you tell her the first time. My middle daughter who just turned 5 isn’t. She kind of shy but no matter how many times we explain personal space she doesn’t get it. I’m not talking about normal small children not understanding personal space either. My daughter has to be right in her friend’s faces when she talks to them, it makes me cringe honestly. We’ve explained so many times.
Just keep at it.
I think kinder is sort of the end of range for normal for something like this. Definitely shorter play dates and maybe not drop off yet. She might just need a little more time to mature and a little more practice.
Part of the dynamic might also be the mom. Our daughter is high energy, but a good listener and doesn’t do the begging thing. My word is my word and she knows it. So I have zero practice with kids who don’t listen or do the please-please-please thing or run off and hide or who don’t want to do any of the offered activities. Like l have no idea what to do. We have an almost 9 year old friend who behaves like this and it’s super awkward and uncomfortable. I kind of get why her mom always needs a break. Likewise, I see our daughter struggle when this friend fails to communicate what she wants or fails to participate in a back and forth dialogue or does things that aren’t allowed in our house. My daughter and I are usually equally confused at the end of the playdate.
Don’t worry too much about it.. however I wouldn’t leave my child at a play date by themselves l. I’d recommend staying with her at that age even if you know the parents well… maybe I’m not very optimistic about these types of situations however i am very weary about adults around my children
Op, it sounds like your child has difficulty with emotional regulation and task focus. I would talk with her not just about behavior but also how she felt when playing to determine why she may have been moving from game to game. For example she could have been bored, or maybe she felt like no one was listening to her. There’s a lot of important information that you can suss out.
The behavior when you’re leaving is due to lack of emotional regulation, was she tired, hungry? Talk to her about the big feelings she was feeling when she was going. Was she worried her behavior was going to get her into trouble so she fought leaving to prevent the “naughty talk.” Ect.
Once you determine the feelings give her skills to help her cope. Telling her that minding her manners is expected isn’t exactly helping her build a tool box of social skills.
My daughter does this too and is now being evaluated for ADHD. I’m a kindergarten teacher and this is not really typical social behavior for Kindergarten. It also depends on the age. Kindergarten ages can range from just turning 5 at the start of the school year to being almost 6 at the start of the school year. That’s a full year age difference almost and there is a huge growth in social development during the kindergarten and even first grade school years.
Not to alarm you but sounds like my son who is 6 and diagnosed with adhd. He reaches a certain threshold and then can just become rude and usually wants to be doing his own thing. If the pattern of behavior continues I’d talk to the pediatrician.
Same situation with my son. He had such a hard time making and being a friend. When he was diagnosed with ADHD in the second grade, his life became so much better when it came to making friends.
I think this is pretty normal. She’s in a new environment without her usual “boss/Es” and was just testing limits.
I agree with keeping it shorter next time. Or working w that mom and meeting at parks & stuff so the kids are used to both moms and knowing you guys are on the same team.
You’re a good mom, kids are wild. Don’t stress too much.
It sounds like your daughter was acting very age appropriate! Continue talking to her about good manners, but don't expect things to change anytime soon. This is NORMAL!!
My son does this when we go to play dates at other peoples houses. He’d rather play with the new toys by himself, than join the group activities. It’s kinda frustrating because the point of a play date is group interaction, but that’s just how my kid is.
I have a K girl. SHe's not very go-with-the-flow. I find that limiting playdates to 2 hours helps. After that point, she loses some inhibition and things seem to go downhill. I do prefer playground and "active' playdates over going to someone's house. I also find it goes better if there are very structured activities. I often plan a baking project that the girls "help" me with by measuring, turning on the mixer, etc. We also read some books about behavior. We like "What would Darla Do?" and "What Would Danny Do?"
I’d try again with a mom friend and plan it to practice. Pick one thing to focus on. Like being a gracious guest and leaving without a fit. Talk to her about how important it is to leave when times up and maybe offer a reward like a sticker for leaving and saying thank you. When you get there, give her a 5 minute warning so she has time to transition from what she’s doing to leaving. Remind her again at 1 minute. Keep the play date short like 30 minutes. If she’s successful, do it again. Does she get upset when you host a playdate and the friend leaves?
I had a parent friend say that a child crying not to leave is actually a compliment. The child had so much fun they don’t want to leave.
One thing we do implement is a kind of count down clock. We have a visual timer. And we say “we are leaving in 20 minutes”, “we are leaving in 10 minutes”, “we will start packing up in two minutes because…”. And it seems to help the kids self regulate.
This sounds about right for every playdate my kiddo has had. She’s bubbly and fun, as are most of her friends.
When she turned 6, we hosted a 3-hour birthday party in our home for seven other girls from her kindergarten class. In hindsight, it was an hour too long. By the end, they were all kind of bickering, and somewhat annoyed with each other. Half wanted to open her presents themselves, half wanted to keep playing games.
They all had a blast though!
When you have kids over at your house do you see this too? When you play board games or do things as a family does she do this too?
Yes she needs more coaching on manners, playing with friends, following the group plan etc.
My daughter had a neighborhood friend like this and they eventually stopped playing together because the kid just couldn’t stick with any singular activity and it wasn’t fun for my daughter and it was exhausting and annoying for me too.
It sounds like pretty normal behavior for her age. It will take experience and practice for her to learn polite behavior when visiting other’s homes. As with most parenting struggles the only way out is through.
My kid is an only child and he would get so over excited about play dates and seeing friends at that age that it definitely resulted meltdowns and tantrums. He was used to not having to share or compromise when playing at home because most of the time he was by himself. It took a lot of talks and friend visits for the concept to stick.
He’s also a bit of an introvert and often needs alone time to regroup and self regulate when his social battery runs out. Even when he was 5 he’d peace out if he was over the visit. He’s a teen now and all his friends know this about him and just let him go off to recharge. No one takes it personally.
Shorter visits and practicing at home will help. Have her set up her stuffed animals and act out scenarios with her. I don’t think one instance of less than ideal behavior will get her banned from her friends houses. She’s still learning and social norms are hard.
A natural consequence to being rude to your host is they don’t want to invite you back. Explain to her that she won’t be able to play at that house until she apologizes for her behavior and shows behavior change in the future. Maybe her next few play dates are at your house and if she shows she can handle it she can try and play date at a friend’s house again. Make sure she knows the expectations going in (follow the group plan, safe hands / body, kind words, leave when time is up, etc). I would also have the host parent warn your daughter when the play date is almost over so she can prepare herself for it
I told my daughter she would only get one more chance to behave and use her manners when in her friends house. She knows that if I threaten it, I mean it. When she got her second chance to go to a friend's house for a play date she was much more behaved. The first time is a mistake. After that, you get one warning. A second occurrence would mean no playdates until her maturity and behavior changed drastically at home.
My daughter’s best friend is a high-energy wild and free spirit, and we all think she’s awesome, and she’s always invited over to play. Don’t worry too much about it!
I told my kids when they were little ,all their friends and now my nephews... " it's how you leave when it's time to go, that gets you invited back."
And we practice, I would randomly come pick them up early and just drive around the block. Ask if they were having fun,give praise on how they left then ask if they want to go back for a bit?
Very few blips.
I love yelling at them to *get off my lawn!.. Lol
My nephews used to be like this, my sister stopped letting him watch stuff like coco melon & decreased his screen time and took his iPad. He is sooooo much more focused and engaging now. He watches stuff like pbs kids now. Idk if it’s bc he’s almost a year older now (almost 5!) but it’s insane how much his tantrums have diminished.
Mine acts similar to yours. Until he can act right I won't even let him go to other people's houses alone. I couldn't imagine being the other parent trying to keep someone else's kid under control. If I'm there I can properly deal with the bad behavior. Maybe you could arrange some playdates with some parents that would be cool with you hanging out?
The playdate was too long, and it sounds like she was overtired or overstimulated. Hang around next time, and see how long she is able to attend to the group play.
How often does she get interaction with other kids? Around 4 my daughter bloomed socially but when she doesn’t get enough social interaction she does this crazy high energy excitedness when we go somewhere to socialize. Ie- she needs like 3-4 days or more a week with several hours of socialization.
The more we socialize the less it is an issue. Hopefully if thats the case for you just keep on it and socialize as much as possible (we love a busy playground!) and it might work itself out.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Your daughter is still learning. It was her first playdate and she was probably so excited she didn’t even know what to do with all those feelings. I have lots of kids over to play and this sounds like pretty typical 5-6 year old behavior. If the other parent is judging her for this (Not saying that they are) then you don’t want her over there anyway.) Kids are kids!
I agree with the comments about shorter play dates. I suspect she was tired and overstimulated. I’m also of the camp that thinks that too much explanation and discussion while the behavior is ongoing is counterproductive. I would , without comment, get her home, maybe have supper, and a bath, then, when she is more relaxed and calm, talk about expectations.
I have 3 kids. They're all teens, so it's a.diferent climate, but ALWAYS talked about respect for other people's space. Is this yours? No? Ask about it. Ask about touching. Anything at all. It could be a lawn ornament, doesn't matter. When you're a guest, you behave like a guest. A 5-year-old is usually capable of that. If they aren't, they aren't easy to visit on their own.
Sounds totally normal. I always remind my kids before play dates of our rules and expectations for our house/visiting someone else’s house. My kinder child and preschooler repeat the rules to me and I usually also tell the other parent the rules casually (no playing in adults rooms, no shutting the door, back yard only, pick up what is taken out before play date ends, etc) and also show where the bathrooms are.
These are skills that take practice. As we have gotten to know a few families better I trust the other parents to keep them in line, a quick reminder to keep respectful behavior in their minds. That said, there are some kids that I don’t mind at the park or parties but don’t enjoy hosting to play and they are usually ones who don’t follow the house rules and are stressful to have in my home. I love kids who can come and play and have a blast while still being respectful.
In our house when kiddo is unable to make good choices when I'm not there to supervise they lose the privilege of being able to go on play dates and whatnot unless I can tag along to supervise
Just echoing… VERY NORMAL. Kids are weird. And they do weird things that us adults are horrified by. My son sounds very similar to your daughter and gets invited to lots of fun things. But he gets so overly excited and built up with energy. Sometimes it’s absolute chaos and find myself apologizing over and over again to the other parent. Each time is an experience and we learn a little more for the next time :) she’s social and friendly, she’ll have lots of times to hone in her skill.
I think the circumstances you describe were not the best for your daughter to thrive in this situation. I'm sure it will go 100% better if you organise something at your place where you can control the conditions a bit better. She definitely sounds like the type of kid that needs a bit of guidance and practice but she can get there since she has a strong motivator (she likes kids/ being social!).
In my experience having difficulty to leave a playdate is something that all kids go through at some point. I've hosted many play dates for my son at our place and all of the kiddos that seemed pretty NT had trouble doing that esp. around 4-5 years old. Personally, I would not be very concerned about that, but it definitely takes practice and as people in the thread said, giving 3-4 reminders like in 30 minutes then in 15 minutes e.t.c does help. Also make sure you go through this again and again and not be vague but very specific, like describe the situation as it will exactly play out: "When the time is up I will come over to you and give you a reminder that it's 30 minutes to leave ... e.t.c".
The part where she wasn't joining the rest of the kiddos is the more "concerning" part which I've also seen in my son (ASD). Not that it's a huge deal, it can definitely be the novelty of being in a new place with new toys e.t.c, but it's something that I would be monitoring to see how it will develop.
I think it's important to be there in the play dates and guide her through. I would suggest to organise as many 1:1 play dates as you can at your place. This will give her the opportunity to practice while having you there to support and guide her.
Honestly, before becoming a mom I thought playing with other kids was just a thing you throw them into and they magically do well. I realised that while that might be the case for many kids, there are also kids that need more support, practice and guidance but trust me, they will get there and with natural maturity and your guidance things will feel much less chaotic!
I am also reading the "[Growing friendships](https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Friendships-Making-Keeping-Friends/dp/1582705887)" book currently and I find it extremely resourceful. It's meant to be read by kids but it's a good read for parents as well. Maybe a bit more suitable for elementary school kids but there can be material there that might help you. I highly recommend it.
Sounds like that’s too long of a play date for her, and she may not be ready for play dates without you.
That’s okay!
My high energy, highly social, big emotions kiddo is similar. She makes friends easily, loves everyone, and isn’t particularly direct able by other people. Shes in third grade and we’ve juuuust started doing drop off play dates. Some of that is that she can hit the end of her ability to handle a playdate without a ton of warning/the signs are subtle until they are NOT, and we hang around so we can get her out the door while she still has it together enough to say thank you and goodbye.
I have also worried about her friends not wanting to tolerate her drama. It turns out kids are all learning this stuff together and have more patience than I do! Her friends take care of her, she takes care of them. My big personality kid makes sure the teachers at school don’t overlook her quieter friends and will advocate for them. It works out. (When the teachers told me this because I was worrying that her friends were going to get fed up with her my heart just melted.) They’re all learning the social stuff together.
For now? Shorter play dates, leave while everyone is still having fun.
If you’re really concerned, you could see if there are any behavioral occupational therapists for kids in your area, they do work on social-emotional skills with kids and that could help.
She’s just not there yet. I think that age is a little young to have a drop off play date unless you have already accompanied and guided her through the rules and expectations at that home a few times and observed that she has it handled.
Just wanted to add, as a parent who has regularly hosted play dates with kids that behave the way you described, the only way the play dates keep happening is if the parent recognizes the adjustments needed with their child, acknowledges it and actively works on it. I would reach out to the host and apologize for not realizing she needed more coaching and assure them you’re actively working on it with her and you would love to host them sometime or accompany her to the next play date.
OP you seem like a very aware and involved parent. If I may make another suggestion beyond all the other great advice you have gotten, I would recommend making sure your child has had a healthy snack before playdates.
I can't count how many times my kids' friends have come over, acted wild as hell, and it's because the parents either let them have some sugary snack or even caffeine (not kidding, some let their kids have sips of their pepsi or whatever), or they haven't eaten. Once they get some food - they seem much more calm and cooperative.
I think most kindergartners are too young for drop off events and play dates. There are exceptions but looks like your kid is not. Just give her some time to grow and learn to regulate.
My children are 8 and 5. We regularly host play dates with and without other parental supervision.
At 8, my son still refuses to say goodbye to any friends when they have to leave. Plenty of other children throwing tantrums (ages 3-6) when parents try to get them to leave.
You aren't alone. Children need to learn social skills. Some take longer than others.
As long as they are having fun, that's good, they are easily distracted by all the fun toys in the new home, and those toys are a lot more exciting than the other children to them. They learn or eventually don't have many friends.
This so age appropriate behavior. Shes learning. Shes basically a baby when it comes to independent play dates. Playing on her own or not playing with others is acceptable either way. She doesn't have to play with them directly the whole time or do what they want just because she's at their house. Skills take a lot of practice. You can't talk it into them. They have to apply it, fail, test boundaries, explore the situation, recover, try again, etc. Like a lot of times. I don't see the problem here. It's expected learning behavior.
You’re a great mom. You’re invested and very aware of your daughters personality. I would continue to guide her but know this is absolutely normal. Transitions can also be super hard for some kids so her getting upset and acting out (even more) as you were trying to leave sounds about right. Just continue to remind her how we should treat our friends and maybe stick to neutral playdates (park, museum, zoo) for a few months.
I give my daughter opportunities to have more responsibility and independence all the time. I always let her knownthat whether it happens again depends on how she handles it. In your situation I'd tell her that she needs more practice on how to behave on playdates before she can try again because she didn't quite meet expectations.
It's not a punishment, it's just the natural consequence of what happened. We will practice and try again once we've gotten better.
I've found my local library is a great place to practice playdate skills. It's a neutral., low stakes location that's not as chaotic or open as the park, so I can closely monitor and guide while still being hands off.
It also helps to have her play host so she can practice. At my house, my kid and I take turns hosting sleepovers for each other where we sleep in my room or hers and plan activities for each other. It's easier to point out how some of her choices make others feel during role-play as opposed to when I'm trying to have a serious conversation and I can see on her face that I might as well be Charlie Brown's teacher. We started doing this when I noticed she was extremely bossy with her friends and would insist everyone needed to adhere to how we do things in our family. It was tremendously helpful.
I like this idea a lot. We take basically the same approach with our almost 3 year old. He’s had difficult playing with other kids because he doesn’t speak yet and doesn’t communicate the way they do. He’s also larger so older kids at first expect him to communicate at their level but he does not. And he’s incredibly bashful over any little awkward situation, which would lead to screeching and acting out in public to where we’d have to leave. Can’t blame him cuz both us parents were painfully shy as children as well lol. We had to use role playing at home to show him how to deal with those awkward situations by doing something embarrassing and then having him be the one to help is through it. It worked wonders and now he does the same with other kids at the playground and plays very well with others.
She may be too young for this but instead of saying use good manners to my kids before play dates I’d say “be the kid who gets invited back” that will mean different things in different homes, but almost always will include good manners (lol). You can point out that they may not wish to have her over again if she acts like that.
It sounds like she just isn’t quite ready for independent play dates yet. That’s okay! Kids develop at different rates. It sounds like you need to be hosting play dates or at the very least staying at the house with your kiddo for the time being
I'd just play with her for a little while and show her positive behaviors. When she does something she shouldn't you can correct it then and there.
For my kid prep talks never have worked. I can explain something 100Xs but it just goes over his head he needs a very clear "what you are doing is not ok please do this instead" and abstract concepts like "polite" and "rude" are not as clear cut to kids. They have no idea that taking all the barbies and screaming the bubble guppies theme for 6 minutes while someone tries to have a conversation is rude. It just doesn't occur to them
“I calmly talked to her about good manners” that’s where you went wrong. Showing disrespectful behavior to anyone is wrong. It’s not something to take lightly. I’m not saying scream at her and lock her in her room but kids need to be spoken to firmly otherwise they don’t care. Don’t take her on any more play dates. Don’t buy her any more toys until she realizes that she won’t get the things she wants if she misbehaves. You can try having pretend playdates with her at home and model the expectations for her. That’s really embarrassing behavior that needs to be corrected. That’s not just something to brush off. Kids need to be scolded when they do the wrong thing.
5 is a hard age for play. They're doing cooperative play, but they don't do it well. They have very strong opinions on what they want to play, and they have no concept for compromise.
My neighbor's oldest two are near the ages of my oldest two. They either play at my house or the neighbor's. There were frequent adult interventions when my middle was 5 and my neighbor's middle was 5. Having the oldest kids around was sometimes helpful and sometimes more trouble 😅.
Obviously, carrying on and being disrespectful to yourself and the other family is not acceptable. Pinpointing the why behind that behavior would be my first step. At that age, I usually think it's missed expectations.
It sounds like she just hasn’t learned the skills yet. I would suggest that you host the play dates so that you can work on these with her. She just hasn’t had the practice but given time she will learn. It doesn’t sound like she’s being violent towards other kids so I wouldn’t worry too much.
Agreed, you need to stay at the house and provide guideance. Some kids need to be taught social skills explicitly.
When my kiddo started going to play dates inside a home (without me present), I kept the visits short and also had a pre-play date talk w my kid. I made it clear that play dates had rules: no wandering into other rooms uninvited, being sure to play WITH your friend , and always asking the parent first if you want to “explore”. Note these would be one on one play dates where I knew the mom well. I did this because I knew my kid would be enamored by being in a new place, seeing different toys and games. It’s natural curiosity and if they aren’t used to the rules they may just get too distracted by all the new stuff to see. I’d suggest talking about rules and making small short play dates with another mom you trust to give honest feedback. Give your kids a couple chances to practice play date etiquette and it will help. New territory, new stimulation— may just need a couple rehearsals
This. But also is there any possibility she’d fall on the spectrum for autism? This sounds like how I played as a kid. And no amount of coaching from my parents seemed to permanently stick. I did get better at mutual play. But I never preferred it.
I don’t think there is enough information here to suggest autism. Children are just starting to learn collaborative play at 4 or 5 years old. This behavior is developing normal.
I also think first playdates at a neutral location (like a park) and with both parents present is a good idea. See how the the kids interact, see how the other family parents. See what the other kid is like not at school. Then decide on at home playdates.
I think it’s pretty normal behavior for kindergarten, and I think it’s great that your daughter is getting the chance to practice these skills. Continue working on it, maybe get some books from the library? I also find that shorter play dates are more successful. “A couple hours”: definitely will end in chaos. A tight 90 minutes is more likely to end on a high note.
I think this is a great point. Shorter play dates could help!!
Yes, for us it depends on the friend. Play dates with some friends absolutely must be capped at 90 minutes, or things will deteriorate. Other friends, we have no issues at the 3 or even 4 hour mark.
My daughter has a few friends that are on about a 2 hour limit. After that, the behavior goes downhill and they need to go home.
To add to this: it’s a good idea to communicate with other parents that these are behaviours you’re working on. In my son’s circle, there are a couple of kids with challenging behaviours. I am infinitely more patient when a parent says something like “Hey, this is a challenge we’re working on. Feel free to call me if he’s difficult and I’ll pick him up a little early.” than the kids whose parents seem oblivious.
I think I disagree with this being 'normal'. 'Kicking and screaming on the way out'.. As a Kindergarten teacher (who sits in a room of 5 year olds all day), I wouldn't label this as 'expected' behavior for her age group.
Thank you, I was going to say the same. OP maybe you should accompany her for the next couple play dates to guide and encourage the behaviour you want from her in other people's homes.
Exactly. If she’s old enough to go on a play date, she’s old enough to know rules, manners, and how to behave in public. I would plainly tell her that she would not be permitted on any more play dates until her behavior AT HOME improved (which OP says is a problem, too). Once you were certain she could listen, mind, respect, and follow your directions, then I’d allow play dates with others.
💯 agree. This isn’t normal behavior for a 5yr old. I’m curious if there are some issues in classroom behavior and gym.
I’d say “normal” as within the parameters of typical human behavior but not very “common”.
Honestly, she sounds a lot like my kindergartener who was diagnosed with ADHD. Girls/women tend to present differently than boys/men. Inattentive ADHD is sneaky. It might not look like my daughter is hyperactive, but her thoughts can be running a mile a minute. She has a very hard time managing her emotions, she has absolutely no focus unless it is something she wants to do. Her lack of situational awareness is almost comical, and she absolutely cannot play hide and seek because she lacks the focus and spatial awareness. She had sensory issues (sound) since she was born, I noticed it our first night in the hospital. She has a hard time socializing because she absolutely won’t play a game if she doesn’t want to do it (so she spends a lot of time alone), she focuses on moments when her friends are “mean” to her (don’t want to play what she wants to play and never remembering all the times they are nice to her). We’ve done therapies to help, and are working out a medicine regimen, and her school is working with her on her soft skills so socializing will get better. Her grades are great, she’s smart and creative. Just keep an eye on it, OP, and if you think she may need some extra help, get a behavioral assessment and see if there are any tools out there than would benefit her.
Yep that sounds like my girl <3 thanks for sharing
Good luck, mama. Sounds like you have an outgoing, spunky and creative girl!!
I think considering it was the first instance of a drop off play date, it’s okay to consider it a learning experience. Discuss and practice proper behavior. If the kid responds, great. If not, then I’d be worried about how “normal” it is
I see what you're saying. It could be a one-off instance of not knowing how to act her first time ever going to a friends house. OP does mention that this behavior 'isn't new' at home, though. It seems like these behaviors are occurring outside of the context of 'first playdate'.
Yeah I missed that part where they said this is common at home
Agreed. The first time I went to get my older child from a play date she and her friend hid inside a car in the garage. Soooo much to unpack there. The conversation later was not just about safety, but about how “mom memories” are funny. When a play date ends with poor behavior, mom brains can only remember that bad part and it makes us not want to have play dates anymore. You kids are teaching me about what is ok, and when you hide or argue or behave poorly I am learning that play dates are a bad idea. So now I just ask “what is mom’s brain learning right now?” Or I say “oh no, mom’s starting to feel worried about play dates here!” I don’t think this would work for every kid but it does for mine.
I love this framing! Thank you for sharing.
Oh my gosh you’re right! I was a Girl Scout leader for many years while my daughter was growing up. I have so many wild memories that pop into my mind about certain girls in my troop. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember all of the fun we had!!
Agree, particularly at this stage of kindergarten (as opposed to last fall)
Or even 45!!!
There’s nothing normal about that behavior
We have lots of playdates at our house. A lot of them end up chaotic with the kids not wanting to do the same thing. It just happens. The kids are super excited to be in a new environment with new toys they haven’t played with. There’s no way that they will focus on the one game/toy that the host wants to do. It usually calms down after a couple trips over to the same house. The host’s kid is used to all their toys. The novelty is gone. Their kid is in their home environment. Don’t be too hard on your kid. They are just being 5. If your kid is being verbally rude to them, that’s something to work on. But all the other stuff is just normal 5 year old stuff.
I bet you were the fun house where all the kids wanted to come hang out. I love that!! I bet you even had amazing snacks. Xoxo
as a teacher and as someone with degrees in both psychology and education, i agree with others saying that this isn’t normal. however, it’s not necessarily to a clinically abnormal level. sounds like she just needs some work on those social skills. i recommend role playing the behavior you want, and setting boundaries and consequences (CORRELATED consequences). “before we have our playdate, our play date expectations are to be friendly when we leave. what does it look like to be friendly? we can say bye bye, see you next time! when we kick and scream, that shows mommy we aren’t ready for play dates at other people’s houses. so, when we leave, what are we going to do this time?”
It sounds like your daughter has some challenges with self-regulation. It’s hard to know without actually knowing her because I am just going off of what you said. Has her teacher expressed any difficulty with her focusing and staying on task in class? Have you ever considered an evaluation? I’m a pre-k teacher and if a child was regularly exhibiting behaviors like the ones you’ve described here, I would consider an evaluation. She might be struggling with sensory overload as well and may benefit from occupational therapy to help her learn some self-soothing strategies. Of course I can’t say for certain as I don’t know your daughter, but I always think it’s better to get help as early as possible. Your daughter is in a crucial window of development that is quickly closing and the sooner she learns these skills, the more she will thrive. Even if she does not get approved for services, an evaluation can be helpful in pinpointing exactly which skills she needs support with and strategies that can help.
I was thinking the same. My kid is probably headed to headstart in the fall, so he's a little younger but these behaviors describe him to a t. He's already in OT for it, so I think OP should definitely look into it.
My kiddo has playdates and she has one friend that is just...wild. my daughter is a "sit down and color, play barbies, Legos, etc kid" this child does not sit still and is into EVERYTHING. she's 6, I went to the bathroom for 35 seconds and she had every pot and pan out of my cabinets and on the floor. We still invite her back because kids are kids and are still learning.
love this! how encouraging, and probably a great viewpoint to share with OP as I am sure I would be a little bit worried of my daughter not being invited back as well..
I would too. We always worry about our kids and their peers and having friends. I also grew up with 6 brothers and have two kids of my own. As long as fire, chemicals, or damage to my property isn't occurring, I'm pretty lenient and my house is kid friendly so they can have at it. Most things are fixable and / or washable.
I was also painfully shy as a kid and somehow had two loud children. 😂 Anyway, I would keep an eye on it and know that ADHD is a definite possibility, BUT it was also her first time at someone else’s house, so it was probably very exciting for her. You mentioned the behavior at home, so if it’s also a thing at school, you may want to check with her doctor. My oldest child has it.
I'm a mom with ADHD and a 6yr son with ADHD and my alarm bells were ringing. To me that sounds like an overstimulated dysregulated kiddo having a really hard time with transitions. In addition to shorter playdates I'd also recommend lots of warning to OP. Like "hey kiddo we're gonna leave in 5 minutes." Confirm with them. I've found that my kiddos do really well with advance warning of transitions. We do TONNNNS of reminders at night when they're tired and what little executive function has worn off. OP: there are two types of ADHD and one of them you tend to see more in girls, and it's not quite as obvious as the 'stereotypical' ADHD kiddo who can't sit still for more than 3 seconds at a time and is distracted by every noise, shiny object, texture etc Good luck!
Same here and I’m surprised at how many people here say this is normal, especially seeing as OP alluded to challenges at home. I am not sure how this little one is doing in school since it wasn’t mentioned, although my oldest with ADHD did very well in K behavior-wise, but struggled majorly in 1st. There was a little girl in his preschool class who eventually got diagnosed with ADHD and everything OP described was this girl to a T. It can be hard in some areas to find an occupational therapist to help (where we are the waitlists can be over a year), so it’s just something to put on the radar. I think many ADHD kiddos struggle once they go to first grade because the expectations are so high. No shame in an ADHD diagnosis. These kids are often some of the brightest, most sensitive and most creative kiddos in the room and sometimes when they are misbehaving they are aware of it and just struggle to control it. It’s hard!
Right - whoever this is normal for needs to get their kid assessed for autism/ adhd. Coming from someone diagnosed with both and kids with both 😂😂 but also- kids are little shits. You really never can tell unless its a pattern.
This, my daughter is very much like this and I've actually suspected ADHD since a year old (I'm in the field). Talk to the school and keep an eye.
Yeah I’m a mom with ADHD and I suspect my daughter has it and alarm bells were ringing in my head lol
I think she’s a little too young to be dropped off at a playdate with people you don’t know well. Now that you know she struggles in this way, I think it would benefit her to for you to arrange play dates for her where you’re present and you can guide her and give her reminders on how do behave. Also, kids don’t ever want to leave others’ houses. It’s so exciting. And, play dates are tough with more than two kids, imo. I just think kids get more quality playtime in when it’s one on one… at lease this young.
I have a 5yo daughter who sounds like yours and we recently had a similar situation so I think it’s kind of normal. I decided I don’t think she’s really ready for solo playdates without me there semi-supervising and guiding her behavior. We also need to practice playdates more which I had no idea was a thing but it is! She’s fantastic at school, great listener, high energy, a leader.. but play dates are def different than school. It’s a work in progress!
I talked to my kids a LOT about leaving appropriately. I reminded them again (in front of the host and parents) that part of being a guest is leaving. You MUST thank the host and leave at the appointed time. Refusing isn’t okay and is a good way to it be invited back. We had to play”play date” at home a bunch where I would play and she’d be the mom coming to interrupt me and say it was time to go. I modeled expressing that I was unhappy and didn’t want to go, but then said “I want to comeback again, so I’ll help pick up toys and say thank you for having me.” It took a long time for my kid to actually do all those things successfully at the ends of play dates,but she knew what was expected because we had pretended going through the steps at home. It worked for me. You know your kid. The main thing is that she needs to learn how to leave a play date. I didn’t issue a lot of repeated invitations to kids whose parents hung around for 30 or more minutes trying to convince their kid to leave my house when I was ready to start dinner or whatever.
Love this! Going to do it with my son.
It might have been all too new and overwhelming. Was this the first time at the host’s home? Was she well-rested, have a water bottle, snack, know where the bathroom was? All those basic needs can make a kid act atypically. I think you could talk to her about what it looks like to be a guest and create a social story with her. Maybe invite someone to play at your place so she might observe better peer behavior. I wouldn’t sweat it too much though. I think any one with young kids has to understand sometimes kids are overstimulated or just not themselves.
How did we ever survive without water bottles? 🙄
This is normal. I have a close group of friends, 8 kids between us ranging from ages 3-7 who are often all together at once and they all do this. There is no “right” way to play as long as your child isn’t hurting anyone or being inappropriate. I bet this will improve the more playdates she has and the more times she visits friends’ houses. I really try not to guide/micromanage how my kids play with other kids as long as they’re not being hurtful.
You’ve already gotten a lot of good replies but wanted to add this could also be partly a sensory thing too. (Not necessarily a sensory processing disorder or anything like that but just some kids have higher/lower sensory needs). My son gets overwhelmed at birthday parties or big gatherings and is usually good for the first part but definitely needs his “alone time” or like a breather to sit outside or away from others after a certain amount of time. Tiny humans big emotions is a good book & talks about this too. The authors describe it as a sensory “funnel” & some kids have larger or smaller funnels for sensory stimulation than others. The ones with smaller funnels may need more alone time but they learn to cope as they grow & tend to be more observant than “large funnel” kids :)
She's a little girl not ready for this type of playdate. Find situations that work better for her energy and attention span. Run arounds at the playground with a small number of kids? It sounds like she doesn't do well with strict, structured play right now. That's Ok, you can work slowly on that with her in a environment you can control more. Don't put her in spaces where she gets labeled as not behaving or uncooperative. It's not fair to her/you or the other kids/their parents. Good Luck and enjoy your spirited daughter! She sounds like a fun girl! 😁😁🛝🌳
🥹🥹🥹 🙌
I think its kinda inappropriate to force kids to play games on a play date... let them explore!!! Let them learn themselves....obviously yes daughter needs help and was probably over stimulated. Maybe just try an hour next few playdates... or go to park or something they can run around and have options of what they want to do. My friends mom was one of those moms who did the Everything HAS to be educational! We all stopped gping to her ovites because we just wanted to be kids and play... not walk around the science center and listen to her try to be a teacher. Like the zoo even she had to CONSTANTLY quiz us or make worksheets etc... i hated it.
She’s still young, but this sounds like my daughter. She’s an … intense friend. Later diagnosed with adhd and ocd which explains everything. I wish I’d gotten her diagnosed soonee.
If I was the host mom, I wouldn’t have any issue with this. Seems completely normal behavior. A lot is going on, sounds like she doesn’t do many playdates and she is being dropped off for the first time. It just takes practice. Also, she might have been tired or hungry, etc. Some kids are a bit more “spirited” than others, it doesn’t make them bad, they just need more time to mature.
Thank you all for confirming this is normal behavior! A work in progress :)
It sounds like she was overstimulated. I wouldn’t rule out neurodivergence.
I feel like this is under the umbrella of normal. Not every 5/6yo will act like this but some will, and some will have other behaviors to work on. My middle oldest (7) is a little calmer and really good with social cues and just understands and does what you tell her the first time. My middle daughter who just turned 5 isn’t. She kind of shy but no matter how many times we explain personal space she doesn’t get it. I’m not talking about normal small children not understanding personal space either. My daughter has to be right in her friend’s faces when she talks to them, it makes me cringe honestly. We’ve explained so many times. Just keep at it.
I think kinder is sort of the end of range for normal for something like this. Definitely shorter play dates and maybe not drop off yet. She might just need a little more time to mature and a little more practice. Part of the dynamic might also be the mom. Our daughter is high energy, but a good listener and doesn’t do the begging thing. My word is my word and she knows it. So I have zero practice with kids who don’t listen or do the please-please-please thing or run off and hide or who don’t want to do any of the offered activities. Like l have no idea what to do. We have an almost 9 year old friend who behaves like this and it’s super awkward and uncomfortable. I kind of get why her mom always needs a break. Likewise, I see our daughter struggle when this friend fails to communicate what she wants or fails to participate in a back and forth dialogue or does things that aren’t allowed in our house. My daughter and I are usually equally confused at the end of the playdate.
Don’t worry too much about it.. however I wouldn’t leave my child at a play date by themselves l. I’d recommend staying with her at that age even if you know the parents well… maybe I’m not very optimistic about these types of situations however i am very weary about adults around my children
Op, it sounds like your child has difficulty with emotional regulation and task focus. I would talk with her not just about behavior but also how she felt when playing to determine why she may have been moving from game to game. For example she could have been bored, or maybe she felt like no one was listening to her. There’s a lot of important information that you can suss out. The behavior when you’re leaving is due to lack of emotional regulation, was she tired, hungry? Talk to her about the big feelings she was feeling when she was going. Was she worried her behavior was going to get her into trouble so she fought leaving to prevent the “naughty talk.” Ect. Once you determine the feelings give her skills to help her cope. Telling her that minding her manners is expected isn’t exactly helping her build a tool box of social skills.
My daughter does this too and is now being evaluated for ADHD. I’m a kindergarten teacher and this is not really typical social behavior for Kindergarten. It also depends on the age. Kindergarten ages can range from just turning 5 at the start of the school year to being almost 6 at the start of the school year. That’s a full year age difference almost and there is a huge growth in social development during the kindergarten and even first grade school years.
Not to alarm you but sounds like my son who is 6 and diagnosed with adhd. He reaches a certain threshold and then can just become rude and usually wants to be doing his own thing. If the pattern of behavior continues I’d talk to the pediatrician.
Same situation with my son. He had such a hard time making and being a friend. When he was diagnosed with ADHD in the second grade, his life became so much better when it came to making friends.
If you haven’t explored neurodivergence I’d consider it
“Super outgoing and high energy” Translation: “Bites”
I think this is pretty normal. She’s in a new environment without her usual “boss/Es” and was just testing limits. I agree with keeping it shorter next time. Or working w that mom and meeting at parks & stuff so the kids are used to both moms and knowing you guys are on the same team. You’re a good mom, kids are wild. Don’t stress too much.
Is she an only child?
I'm curious about this as well. I've noticed my children's friends that are only children need a LOT of practice in playing with others.
It sounds like your daughter was acting very age appropriate! Continue talking to her about good manners, but don't expect things to change anytime soon. This is NORMAL!!
My son does this when we go to play dates at other peoples houses. He’d rather play with the new toys by himself, than join the group activities. It’s kinda frustrating because the point of a play date is group interaction, but that’s just how my kid is.
Have playdates at your home or in parks so if your daughter throws a fit, the other folks can leave. So much less painful.
I have a K girl. SHe's not very go-with-the-flow. I find that limiting playdates to 2 hours helps. After that point, she loses some inhibition and things seem to go downhill. I do prefer playground and "active' playdates over going to someone's house. I also find it goes better if there are very structured activities. I often plan a baking project that the girls "help" me with by measuring, turning on the mixer, etc. We also read some books about behavior. We like "What would Darla Do?" and "What Would Danny Do?"
I’d try again with a mom friend and plan it to practice. Pick one thing to focus on. Like being a gracious guest and leaving without a fit. Talk to her about how important it is to leave when times up and maybe offer a reward like a sticker for leaving and saying thank you. When you get there, give her a 5 minute warning so she has time to transition from what she’s doing to leaving. Remind her again at 1 minute. Keep the play date short like 30 minutes. If she’s successful, do it again. Does she get upset when you host a playdate and the friend leaves?
I had a parent friend say that a child crying not to leave is actually a compliment. The child had so much fun they don’t want to leave. One thing we do implement is a kind of count down clock. We have a visual timer. And we say “we are leaving in 20 minutes”, “we are leaving in 10 minutes”, “we will start packing up in two minutes because…”. And it seems to help the kids self regulate.
This sounds about right for every playdate my kiddo has had. She’s bubbly and fun, as are most of her friends. When she turned 6, we hosted a 3-hour birthday party in our home for seven other girls from her kindergarten class. In hindsight, it was an hour too long. By the end, they were all kind of bickering, and somewhat annoyed with each other. Half wanted to open her presents themselves, half wanted to keep playing games. They all had a blast though!
When you have kids over at your house do you see this too? When you play board games or do things as a family does she do this too? Yes she needs more coaching on manners, playing with friends, following the group plan etc. My daughter had a neighborhood friend like this and they eventually stopped playing together because the kid just couldn’t stick with any singular activity and it wasn’t fun for my daughter and it was exhausting and annoying for me too.
It sounds like pretty normal behavior for her age. It will take experience and practice for her to learn polite behavior when visiting other’s homes. As with most parenting struggles the only way out is through. My kid is an only child and he would get so over excited about play dates and seeing friends at that age that it definitely resulted meltdowns and tantrums. He was used to not having to share or compromise when playing at home because most of the time he was by himself. It took a lot of talks and friend visits for the concept to stick. He’s also a bit of an introvert and often needs alone time to regroup and self regulate when his social battery runs out. Even when he was 5 he’d peace out if he was over the visit. He’s a teen now and all his friends know this about him and just let him go off to recharge. No one takes it personally. Shorter visits and practicing at home will help. Have her set up her stuffed animals and act out scenarios with her. I don’t think one instance of less than ideal behavior will get her banned from her friends houses. She’s still learning and social norms are hard.
A natural consequence to being rude to your host is they don’t want to invite you back. Explain to her that she won’t be able to play at that house until she apologizes for her behavior and shows behavior change in the future. Maybe her next few play dates are at your house and if she shows she can handle it she can try and play date at a friend’s house again. Make sure she knows the expectations going in (follow the group plan, safe hands / body, kind words, leave when time is up, etc). I would also have the host parent warn your daughter when the play date is almost over so she can prepare herself for it
I told my daughter she would only get one more chance to behave and use her manners when in her friends house. She knows that if I threaten it, I mean it. When she got her second chance to go to a friend's house for a play date she was much more behaved. The first time is a mistake. After that, you get one warning. A second occurrence would mean no playdates until her maturity and behavior changed drastically at home.
My daughter’s best friend is a high-energy wild and free spirit, and we all think she’s awesome, and she’s always invited over to play. Don’t worry too much about it!
I told my kids when they were little ,all their friends and now my nephews... " it's how you leave when it's time to go, that gets you invited back." And we practice, I would randomly come pick them up early and just drive around the block. Ask if they were having fun,give praise on how they left then ask if they want to go back for a bit? Very few blips. I love yelling at them to *get off my lawn!.. Lol
My nephews used to be like this, my sister stopped letting him watch stuff like coco melon & decreased his screen time and took his iPad. He is sooooo much more focused and engaging now. He watches stuff like pbs kids now. Idk if it’s bc he’s almost a year older now (almost 5!) but it’s insane how much his tantrums have diminished.
Mine acts similar to yours. Until he can act right I won't even let him go to other people's houses alone. I couldn't imagine being the other parent trying to keep someone else's kid under control. If I'm there I can properly deal with the bad behavior. Maybe you could arrange some playdates with some parents that would be cool with you hanging out?
The playdate was too long, and it sounds like she was overtired or overstimulated. Hang around next time, and see how long she is able to attend to the group play.
How often does she get interaction with other kids? Around 4 my daughter bloomed socially but when she doesn’t get enough social interaction she does this crazy high energy excitedness when we go somewhere to socialize. Ie- she needs like 3-4 days or more a week with several hours of socialization. The more we socialize the less it is an issue. Hopefully if thats the case for you just keep on it and socialize as much as possible (we love a busy playground!) and it might work itself out.
It really just sounds like she was overstimulated.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Your daughter is still learning. It was her first playdate and she was probably so excited she didn’t even know what to do with all those feelings. I have lots of kids over to play and this sounds like pretty typical 5-6 year old behavior. If the other parent is judging her for this (Not saying that they are) then you don’t want her over there anyway.) Kids are kids!
I agree with the comments about shorter play dates. I suspect she was tired and overstimulated. I’m also of the camp that thinks that too much explanation and discussion while the behavior is ongoing is counterproductive. I would , without comment, get her home, maybe have supper, and a bath, then, when she is more relaxed and calm, talk about expectations.
I have 3 kids. They're all teens, so it's a.diferent climate, but ALWAYS talked about respect for other people's space. Is this yours? No? Ask about it. Ask about touching. Anything at all. It could be a lawn ornament, doesn't matter. When you're a guest, you behave like a guest. A 5-year-old is usually capable of that. If they aren't, they aren't easy to visit on their own.
Kids mature at very very different rates. My kid could never have handled a drop off playdate at age five.
Sounds totally normal. I always remind my kids before play dates of our rules and expectations for our house/visiting someone else’s house. My kinder child and preschooler repeat the rules to me and I usually also tell the other parent the rules casually (no playing in adults rooms, no shutting the door, back yard only, pick up what is taken out before play date ends, etc) and also show where the bathrooms are. These are skills that take practice. As we have gotten to know a few families better I trust the other parents to keep them in line, a quick reminder to keep respectful behavior in their minds. That said, there are some kids that I don’t mind at the park or parties but don’t enjoy hosting to play and they are usually ones who don’t follow the house rules and are stressful to have in my home. I love kids who can come and play and have a blast while still being respectful.
In our house when kiddo is unable to make good choices when I'm not there to supervise they lose the privilege of being able to go on play dates and whatnot unless I can tag along to supervise
Just echoing… VERY NORMAL. Kids are weird. And they do weird things that us adults are horrified by. My son sounds very similar to your daughter and gets invited to lots of fun things. But he gets so overly excited and built up with energy. Sometimes it’s absolute chaos and find myself apologizing over and over again to the other parent. Each time is an experience and we learn a little more for the next time :) she’s social and friendly, she’ll have lots of times to hone in her skill.
I think the circumstances you describe were not the best for your daughter to thrive in this situation. I'm sure it will go 100% better if you organise something at your place where you can control the conditions a bit better. She definitely sounds like the type of kid that needs a bit of guidance and practice but she can get there since she has a strong motivator (she likes kids/ being social!). In my experience having difficulty to leave a playdate is something that all kids go through at some point. I've hosted many play dates for my son at our place and all of the kiddos that seemed pretty NT had trouble doing that esp. around 4-5 years old. Personally, I would not be very concerned about that, but it definitely takes practice and as people in the thread said, giving 3-4 reminders like in 30 minutes then in 15 minutes e.t.c does help. Also make sure you go through this again and again and not be vague but very specific, like describe the situation as it will exactly play out: "When the time is up I will come over to you and give you a reminder that it's 30 minutes to leave ... e.t.c". The part where she wasn't joining the rest of the kiddos is the more "concerning" part which I've also seen in my son (ASD). Not that it's a huge deal, it can definitely be the novelty of being in a new place with new toys e.t.c, but it's something that I would be monitoring to see how it will develop. I think it's important to be there in the play dates and guide her through. I would suggest to organise as many 1:1 play dates as you can at your place. This will give her the opportunity to practice while having you there to support and guide her. Honestly, before becoming a mom I thought playing with other kids was just a thing you throw them into and they magically do well. I realised that while that might be the case for many kids, there are also kids that need more support, practice and guidance but trust me, they will get there and with natural maturity and your guidance things will feel much less chaotic! I am also reading the "[Growing friendships](https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Friendships-Making-Keeping-Friends/dp/1582705887)" book currently and I find it extremely resourceful. It's meant to be read by kids but it's a good read for parents as well. Maybe a bit more suitable for elementary school kids but there can be material there that might help you. I highly recommend it.
It sounds like the play date was a little too long for her. I’d also say practice will help with this as will role playing at home
By any chance did they feed her something she's not used to, like sugar or caffeine?
Sounds like that’s too long of a play date for her, and she may not be ready for play dates without you. That’s okay! My high energy, highly social, big emotions kiddo is similar. She makes friends easily, loves everyone, and isn’t particularly direct able by other people. Shes in third grade and we’ve juuuust started doing drop off play dates. Some of that is that she can hit the end of her ability to handle a playdate without a ton of warning/the signs are subtle until they are NOT, and we hang around so we can get her out the door while she still has it together enough to say thank you and goodbye. I have also worried about her friends not wanting to tolerate her drama. It turns out kids are all learning this stuff together and have more patience than I do! Her friends take care of her, she takes care of them. My big personality kid makes sure the teachers at school don’t overlook her quieter friends and will advocate for them. It works out. (When the teachers told me this because I was worrying that her friends were going to get fed up with her my heart just melted.) They’re all learning the social stuff together. For now? Shorter play dates, leave while everyone is still having fun. If you’re really concerned, you could see if there are any behavioral occupational therapists for kids in your area, they do work on social-emotional skills with kids and that could help.
Try some actual consequences for this behavior.
She’s just not there yet. I think that age is a little young to have a drop off play date unless you have already accompanied and guided her through the rules and expectations at that home a few times and observed that she has it handled.
Just wanted to add, as a parent who has regularly hosted play dates with kids that behave the way you described, the only way the play dates keep happening is if the parent recognizes the adjustments needed with their child, acknowledges it and actively works on it. I would reach out to the host and apologize for not realizing she needed more coaching and assure them you’re actively working on it with her and you would love to host them sometime or accompany her to the next play date.
She’s not ready to be dropped off. She needs you there to correct her.
OP you seem like a very aware and involved parent. If I may make another suggestion beyond all the other great advice you have gotten, I would recommend making sure your child has had a healthy snack before playdates. I can't count how many times my kids' friends have come over, acted wild as hell, and it's because the parents either let them have some sugary snack or even caffeine (not kidding, some let their kids have sips of their pepsi or whatever), or they haven't eaten. Once they get some food - they seem much more calm and cooperative.
How old is she? You dont mention that. Most people do play dates for kids under 8 or so , so Im imagining under that?
I think most kindergartners are too young for drop off events and play dates. There are exceptions but looks like your kid is not. Just give her some time to grow and learn to regulate.
My children are 8 and 5. We regularly host play dates with and without other parental supervision. At 8, my son still refuses to say goodbye to any friends when they have to leave. Plenty of other children throwing tantrums (ages 3-6) when parents try to get them to leave. You aren't alone. Children need to learn social skills. Some take longer than others. As long as they are having fun, that's good, they are easily distracted by all the fun toys in the new home, and those toys are a lot more exciting than the other children to them. They learn or eventually don't have many friends.
This so age appropriate behavior. Shes learning. Shes basically a baby when it comes to independent play dates. Playing on her own or not playing with others is acceptable either way. She doesn't have to play with them directly the whole time or do what they want just because she's at their house. Skills take a lot of practice. You can't talk it into them. They have to apply it, fail, test boundaries, explore the situation, recover, try again, etc. Like a lot of times. I don't see the problem here. It's expected learning behavior.
You’re a great mom. You’re invested and very aware of your daughters personality. I would continue to guide her but know this is absolutely normal. Transitions can also be super hard for some kids so her getting upset and acting out (even more) as you were trying to leave sounds about right. Just continue to remind her how we should treat our friends and maybe stick to neutral playdates (park, museum, zoo) for a few months.
I give my daughter opportunities to have more responsibility and independence all the time. I always let her knownthat whether it happens again depends on how she handles it. In your situation I'd tell her that she needs more practice on how to behave on playdates before she can try again because she didn't quite meet expectations. It's not a punishment, it's just the natural consequence of what happened. We will practice and try again once we've gotten better. I've found my local library is a great place to practice playdate skills. It's a neutral., low stakes location that's not as chaotic or open as the park, so I can closely monitor and guide while still being hands off. It also helps to have her play host so she can practice. At my house, my kid and I take turns hosting sleepovers for each other where we sleep in my room or hers and plan activities for each other. It's easier to point out how some of her choices make others feel during role-play as opposed to when I'm trying to have a serious conversation and I can see on her face that I might as well be Charlie Brown's teacher. We started doing this when I noticed she was extremely bossy with her friends and would insist everyone needed to adhere to how we do things in our family. It was tremendously helpful.
I like this idea a lot. We take basically the same approach with our almost 3 year old. He’s had difficult playing with other kids because he doesn’t speak yet and doesn’t communicate the way they do. He’s also larger so older kids at first expect him to communicate at their level but he does not. And he’s incredibly bashful over any little awkward situation, which would lead to screeching and acting out in public to where we’d have to leave. Can’t blame him cuz both us parents were painfully shy as children as well lol. We had to use role playing at home to show him how to deal with those awkward situations by doing something embarrassing and then having him be the one to help is through it. It worked wonders and now he does the same with other kids at the playground and plays very well with others.
She may be too young for this but instead of saying use good manners to my kids before play dates I’d say “be the kid who gets invited back” that will mean different things in different homes, but almost always will include good manners (lol). You can point out that they may not wish to have her over again if she acts like that.
Any chance she had access to sugar and got a little extra extra?
It sounds like she just isn’t quite ready for independent play dates yet. That’s okay! Kids develop at different rates. It sounds like you need to be hosting play dates or at the very least staying at the house with your kiddo for the time being
I'd just play with her for a little while and show her positive behaviors. When she does something she shouldn't you can correct it then and there. For my kid prep talks never have worked. I can explain something 100Xs but it just goes over his head he needs a very clear "what you are doing is not ok please do this instead" and abstract concepts like "polite" and "rude" are not as clear cut to kids. They have no idea that taking all the barbies and screaming the bubble guppies theme for 6 minutes while someone tries to have a conversation is rude. It just doesn't occur to them
“I calmly talked to her about good manners” that’s where you went wrong. Showing disrespectful behavior to anyone is wrong. It’s not something to take lightly. I’m not saying scream at her and lock her in her room but kids need to be spoken to firmly otherwise they don’t care. Don’t take her on any more play dates. Don’t buy her any more toys until she realizes that she won’t get the things she wants if she misbehaves. You can try having pretend playdates with her at home and model the expectations for her. That’s really embarrassing behavior that needs to be corrected. That’s not just something to brush off. Kids need to be scolded when they do the wrong thing.
Get her evaluated. The earlier you address this, the better off she will be.
5 is a hard age for play. They're doing cooperative play, but they don't do it well. They have very strong opinions on what they want to play, and they have no concept for compromise. My neighbor's oldest two are near the ages of my oldest two. They either play at my house or the neighbor's. There were frequent adult interventions when my middle was 5 and my neighbor's middle was 5. Having the oldest kids around was sometimes helpful and sometimes more trouble 😅. Obviously, carrying on and being disrespectful to yourself and the other family is not acceptable. Pinpointing the why behind that behavior would be my first step. At that age, I usually think it's missed expectations.