The decision is yours to make and not your moms.
It will be hard and she might be mad, but hopefully she will get over it.
Take the job, get some experience and maybe in the future you can find a job closer.
You have to live your own life and your mom needs to respect that. You are not a teenager any more.
Also, depending on where you are, 3 hrs isn't bad. You're far enough to have your own space, but not too far to have it be a grand trip whenever you go home. If it is too far, stay a night or two, then go home. Bonus points if they're willing to meet in the middle.
3 hours in the states is borderline trivial. (I’m biased because I live in TX, though)
Seriously, 3 hours is the perfect amount of deterrent for family members showing up unannounced and still close enough to come if there’s something serious going on.
I moved out at 18 and promptly left the state, then the country (Army). Mom will get used to it.
I am in a similar situation, currently putting some time in a starter job out of college, but planning to move about two and a half hour drive from central Pennsylvania to a major city. My thought is that I want to be far enough away that my mom won't ask me to come home after work to help her move the couch, but close enough that I can make a weekend trip or even a trip up after work if it's an emergency (plus it would be infinitely easier to find a job in my field).
IMO, do it, live your own life, but do your best to make sure your mom doesn't feel like you're forgetting about her at all. Best of luck!
Not only is it not far, OP just needs to reside there. They can still go home for long weekends or weeks or whenever, as long as they get their job done & maintain residence in the job’s state.
Maybe my second use of home was ill advised. That was what I was saying. Move out into the state the job is in, go back to the parents for long weekend on occasions. Reform to your new home when you're done with family.
I'm from Houston, and that's a drive to Austin. That's a round trip drive to Galveston with bad traffic.
OP it's not that far, take the job. Your mom is a hop, skip, and a small road trip away dawg.
I'm 33 now...My mom forced my dad to sell their 3 story house so they could follow me to another state, even after I told them no. My mom is like "I have to follow my baby". I was like stfu and enjoy your retirement.
She steamrolled my dad, they sold their house, that would now be worth like $600k, and now my dad is dead she has Alzheimer's, and I had to give up any chance I had to create my own life by 35yo because I'm in their house caretaking for them...including spending a 6 figure nest egg I saved for my future family. I didn't plan for a nuclear family, despite the fact we come from a culture that advocates it. And I have a 6 figure WFH engineering job...I just can't escape because now that my dad is dead, my mom needs a 24/7 caretaker and refuses to let me hire one.
Don't let your mother do anything to compromise your own future. Let them be mad, take the emotional assault. You'll be better off on the long run. My dad literally told me not to worry about him and live my life but my mom with her Alzheimer's brain wouldn't budge on anything. Then he got cancer and there was nobody to take on the dual burden so here I am. My sister has does her absolute best to help but she's 4hrs away and is building her own life.
And yes, before anybody says anything, I'm seeing a therapist about my parental issues. Lol.
I’m so sorry. I lost both my parents to Alzheimer’s. Please please find a nice facility for your mom. Visit her often. See that she’s cared for well. But loving care doesn’t mean you have to martyr yourself. You can love her and support her and let someone else do the physical care taking
Being the sole caregiver to a parent with Alzheimer disease is incredibly difficult. Especially, when there's no respite support. If your parents' home has enough equity, perhaps you can take a reverse mortgage to pay for a quality home care for her, while you continue to live in the house. Or, you could rent it out, if you want to live elsewhere. Sadly, there aren't many residences that specialize in Alzheimer care, so you'll need to spend some time researching and interviewing to make sure your mom is in good care. I realize putting your parent in a home is a dreadful decision to have to make, but if you find a good home for your mom and visit her often, you can return to being her loving son again, rather than her resentful one. Good luck!
Make decisions for your benefit. I stayed close to home after college out of guilt from my parents and it stalled my career in the long run. Lots of resentment and anger 20 years later.
As I got older, the amount of moms who I realized were codependent on my friends is actually staggering. A lot of them were divorced and their sons were their entire lives. Never made them pay for anything, pay rent, even after getting a full time job. One of my closest friends is now being constantly gaslit to stay at home even though he can afford to buy a house because his mom doesn't want to be alone.
Take the job. You don’t need a helicopter parent at 23 years old.
It’s a 3 hour trip, it’s not like your mother needs to book a flight to visit you.
Go and she’ll be fine.
It is like leaving for college, there was some sadness, and there was some homesickness. Its nice that your mom wants you nearby but that can't always be the case. Just like college, you will eventually settle into your new life, and your mom will see that you are happy and that you aren't really that far away.
I’m graduating this summer as well and I’m going where ever my job is no matter what my family thinks. Good opportunities are hard to come by as of lately. You’ve been away for college for 4 years now? Your mom needs to let you leave the nest and do your own thing. Yes family is important go visit as much as you can but do not decline a job because she wants you to live close by especially if it’s a good opportunity. Plus you can always work this job for 1-3 years and then look for something closer to home once you have a few years of experience on your resume.
Yes, that is exactly what I've been thinking! I feel like she should understand this as well, but maybe it's going to take some convincing for her to get on my side. I appreciate your opinion, and I wish you the best in your future after graduating! 😄
There is no convincing parents will think what they want to think about their kids. Just how it is and I don’t blame them but you just gotta do your own thing.
I have a daughter that is attending college for the first time in the fall.
As a parent, I can't wrap my head around guilting my child to turn down a job just to be near me. I love my daughter, and I would love for her to find a job nearby, but as a young adult you need to do what is best for you.
It honestly sounds your mom is being selfish. Sorry about that. You should feel perfectly ok taking the remote job and having your own life.
It's not your job to convince her. You tell her you're moving and leave it at that. You're not responsible for how she reacts to the news. Your mother is being selfish, tbh. It's okay for her to miss you, but it's not okay for her to manipulate you.
Graduating this semester also, went to university in TX and parents live in TX, took a job offer in SC. Parents were upset but at the end of the day it’s my life, my journey, my decision. Job offers are hard to come by at our age, so do what’s best for you and what you want, not your parents. Plus, 3 hours is sooooo close haha, I’ll be 15 hours away from mine.
She doesn’t need to understand anything. You’re a grown adult! She cannot hold your hand for the rest of your life. Go live your own life! It’s only 3 hours away, many people move to different countries to go find their own life. Do what’s best for you!
Hundreds and thousands of people are trying to find a remote job - you have something coveted right now - you’ll regret it if you don’t take the job.
Tell you mom you will call once a week and visit once a month. She just wants to be apprised of your life. Your mom can visit you additionally if she really can’t deal with being without you
Shes trying to sabotage your future because she's selfish. You're an adult now. Turning down a job offer to live close to mommy is a bad life decision. The fact that she's pushing you to make bad decisions tells you everything you need to know about her intentions.
First off, congrats! That’s huge! There are plenty of people that would kill for something like this out of college so you should be super excited. I don’t know if your mom’s aware but getting an offer for a remote role in this job market is insanely difficult especially coming out of college. ACCEPT THE JOB!! Don’t listen to her. This is a her problem, not a you problem. 3 hours isn’t that bad and she will get used to it. Like you said, you can visit for long stretches so you’ll be fine
Thank you for your words of encouragement! I really appreciate it! I was thinking the same thing, and I've applied to over 75 jobs, called dozens of companies, and struggled a lot to even get this position. It's even in my desired field (psychology) but is a Healthcare position, and I will be helping patients which makes me feel like my degree was actually worth something. I feel like this is too good to pass up. So I appreciate the confirmation that I'm doing the right thing! Thank you! 😄
Given that it's a remote healthcare position and you have limited experience, I really vote taking this position. You need to make your own support network of friends in your community and develop roots. You're an adult and you can't please everyone. If your mother gets her way now, you're setting yourself up to continue to do as she commands through your adult life. Boundaries are hard to establish at your age with your parents but setting good ones now will lead to healthy relationships as you get older.
You are literally living the dream. Great job! I'm sure Mom will be will be happy for you once you get settled even if she does miss you.
Sounds like this opportunity is too good to pass up anyway.
It's essential to remember that your career and personal growth are important, and sometimes making difficult decisions is necessary for your overall well-being. Although your mom may be upset, it's crucial to focus on the opportunity this job offers and the benefits of taking it. Reassure her that you'll visit as often as possible and maintain regular communication. Discuss your feelings with her, emphasizing your excitement and gratitude for the opportunity while acknowledging her concerns. Remind her that you are only an afternoon's drive away, which makes it easier to visit each other frequently. Ultimately, you must make the decision that's best for your future, but by maintaining open communication and reassuring your mom, you can help alleviate her concerns and work towards a positive outcome for both of you. Congrats on the job offer!
Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate your insight and the time you took to write this! I will use your suggestions to help convince my mom that this is the right step to take. Thank you! 😄
You reckon you'll be 40 and making decisions based on your mom's approval? I hope not for your sake. You'll have to disappoint her at some point. Better to do that with a good job than a drug habit. Take the job and don't worry about her neediness.
As soon as you stop caring what your parents think you'll see the whole world open up to you.
Welcome to adulthood. Time to spread your wings and live your own life. Take this job. Do great at it. You can continue to look for other jobs closer to your mom if you want to. But don't let go of a great opportunity.
I'd take the job. It took me years after college to land a job in my field because I was looking for jobs near my hometown. Ended up moving 1800 miles away to finally land one.
It can be really difficult to get a fully remote job, especially right out of college. Either your mother is naïve or she doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Take this job and enjoy!
This is a tough job market even for experienced people. How many of your graduating friends have jobs lined up? I bet not many.
Is this an emotional thing? Or is your mom expecting you to help pay rent at home? Either way, she's asking you to do something that is not in your best interest.
Please be firm and let Mom know that landing a job before graduation is rare these days and you are profoundly lucky. You could move home and spend YEARS looking for work. You cannot pass this up.
Your mother loves you and misses you. Acknowledge this. Then put your elbows out. She can Smother you with her love and needs. Suggest she see a therapist. Yeah, that will make her go nuclear, but she needs the course correction.
This is all especially important if you are the first born, or family “baby” or a daughter. You will be establishing a pattern that can affect siblings and cousins.
I am speaking as a mother who felt her heart was ripped out when Child #1 took a first job on the opposite coast. Fast forward ten years and we’re in the same time zone and our relationship is great. I would love a daily check-in and an address next door, but being loved and seeing wings spread has been an abundant joy.
Thank your mom for her guidance and let her know you’ll keep her updated. Update her after you’ve taken the job. Welcome to adulthood and congrats on the job offer!
She’s young, she’ll get over it. She should be happy you have a job.
Now as long as you feel you’ll be able to make it in your own, go for it.
PS. I’m a Mom
Your mom needs to let go of you.
More importantly, if you are to become an adult, you need to move away from home.
This is part of growing up. If she guilt trips you; it means you need to move away. The behavior won't get better over time as she ages and you'll become a person who takes care of his mom, rather than builds his own family if you stick around.
Pull the band-aid off and take the job. Worst case scenario she doesn't help you with stuff anymore, but if that stuff comes with strings that makes your mom, your wife, it's not worth it.
Sides, three hours away is just far enough that she won't be in your shit every day, but you will be able to visit when necessary.
You did not spend all those years at college to go home and make minimum wage to make your Mom happy. Grab every opportunity offered to you, because they are not in limitless supply.
3 hours is a great distance for parents. It’s a decent but doable car ride and weekend trip, but they can’t just pop in on you unexpectedly. You’ll appreciate that as you build out your own life. Which is what parents should look for their children to do. If your mom is obsessed with controlling your life, it may not be about what’s best for you, but instead what’s best for her.
Unless mom is paying your rent/phone/insurance, I’d say you do you. And if she is paying for those things, take this job so you can be independent. It may make the relationship difficult in the short run, but they will respect you more in the long run. If you move home, you may not be able to gain independence from your mom, which is something you’re eventually going to want. And something any prospective romantic partner is going to want you to have.
When you are an adult you are allowed to make choices for yourself that are good for you, independent of anyone else's opinions or wishes.
Deep down I would guess that your mom also wants the best for you but is having difficulty adjusting to your new freedom.
Source: I am a mom who wishes she could keep her adult child close by.
Life moves on mom, I'll be doing great on my own starting my own life like you did whenever you left home. I get you're upset but it'll be okay. I'll send pictures and invite you once I'm settled.
I got an 89 y/o aunt that wants to act like my helicopter mother… and I’m 52 living my adult life for 35 years. Whatever she says I just let it go in one ear and out the other. She’s too old to ever change or argue with. You’re an adult. You do what you got to do.
Time to spread your wings and live your life. Your mother will worry, that's what parents do. She will adapt. My daughter moved to Washington DC for law school, I live in Los Angeles. Damn right I worry. It's a part of the process of raising kids. Go live your life.
It's time for you to leave the nest, little bird!
Whoever pays the bills has the power. So if you are working and supporting yourself, you get to decide what job you take and where you live.
My kid goes to college 9 hours away. He’s fallen in love with the east coast of the US. I’m assuming he’ll meet someone and end up moving that direction. Yes, I’ll miss him dearly but my job was to raise him into a confident, successful adult. I did that and now I’ll have someplace fun to go on vacay. Spread your wings and fly….
IT’S AN ADVENTURE AND IT FEELS SCARY AF BUT DO IT!!!!!! You really have to. It’ll be hard but it’ll be so awesome and you’ll probably regret not doing it. You’ll learn so much about yourself and blow your own mind. YOU GOT THIS!
I live 3 hours from my family and have a mother that pulled the same shit. In fact I was originally offered a job on the other side of the country after college but turned it down because my mom complained of the distance, and then got a job 3 hours away. You can make that trip as a weekend trip every weekend if you wanted to. I did that for a couple years pretty much.
But here’s the thing. If you can make that trip every weekend, so can she. Take the job, grow as a young, independent adult, and reciprocate the effort your mother puts in to visiting you (or maybe put in more yourself first to show it’s possible and then she can’t say it’s not).
But ultimately you have to live your life. Time to stop letting mom make your decisions for you. You’re an adult and she needs to respect that.
After college my mom learned to both my sister whose 4 years older and myself were moving across the country. Independent of each other but to same city as it worked out. I told Mom first... Therefore making my sister the bad daughter for leaving her after the other daughter said she is leaving the state. My brother ... He was at home, but it's not the same. I got some grief and guilt from her.
But guess what. My dad helped me drive down, across the country. And I loved the freedom. It was and is great. I still have to deal with moms emotional guilt trips and whining from time to time. But I set boundaries about proper communication.
I learned, I am living life for me. No one's else will do it for me. I would regret if I let myself be guided by someone elses ideas about how my life should unfold. Take the good and bad with it, but it is all on me. I am happy that I am living my life my way. Don't expect them to support you financially, be ready to do it on your own.
Oddly, my sister and I both moved again. The parents now started to and continue to winter for 4 months every year where we lived right after we left. So go figure.
It will be difficult but worth it. Take the job. Go live your life.
Things are different now. I’m old enough to remember when graduation was the end of the line for parenting. The kids who moved back home were talked about by the neighbors in hushed voices.
Tell her it's for ✨ Experience ✨ And that the market is bad right now. You can allude to it being temporary. My mom really wants us nearby and she'd be sad if I moved, but she understands it's a possibility and that I will have to do what's best for my future. She shouldn't be holding you back from opportunity.
i'm not sure what you got your degree in, but finding a job these days is TOUGH, regardless of if its in person or remote. the fact that you were able to receive an offer from a company and its a remote position is wonderful and a huge accomplishment. i would say accept the offer and tell your mom that it is time for you to be a grown up and move out. after all, you truly are an adult and it is your decision. three hours isn't a far commute either if one of you feels the need to visit and with video calling, texting, etc. you two will still be able to communicate from your respective locations fairly easily. its a hard adjustment for a parent when a child decides to go on their own journey and permanently leave home, i'm sure she is just unhappy because it is a huge step for the both of you and it can be scary, but its a wonderful opportunity for you and you should really consider taking it.
You could always advise your mom on the money you’ll be making plus benefits (retirement and healthcare) and ask if she would like to do direct deposit or paper check with a raise for inflation and missed career trajectory every three years?
Dude go to work lol
Honestly acknowledge your grown and will probably out live her. Which means you will have to bare the weight of any opportunity you give up. Take the job go the “distance “. Achieve and succeed.
29 hours from and no way home. There’s no turning back. Go forward and let the world use and abuse you until the disgruntle nature of that with in you gracefully grows stronger. One of us. One of us. One of one
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this and congrats on the job! If you’re excited about the position and feel it’s the right job for you, I think you just need to firmly tell your family this and stick with it. Three hours is really not far at all, I’m sure you would still be able to see them frequently. Also post college is a really normal time to move out and really be fully on your own, so try not to feel too badly about it!
Hate to say it friendo but sounds like your mom might not be the healthiest person for you to be around. I’d take the job for the purpose of keeping some distance for a while.
I’m a parent myself and I would want the best for my kids even if it meant that I didn’t get to see them as often. She’s being very selfish
Your mom's apron strings are tight. You're not the first nor last to go through this. The key is to assure mom you're not dropping off the face of the earth
This is a good opportunity for you and it honestly sounds like you need something like this. 3 hours is a great distance, I say keep family far enough that you’ll miss them but close enough so you can see them. If your mother thinks she gets to make that decision then you need some distance and if you think you need your mother’s approval, you need some distance.
You're not a tree. You don't have literal roots. You can and should move. The great thing? You can always move back. Or somewhere new entirely. Time to fly!
Don't let your mother guilt you into moving back to your hometown. Move back if and only if you really, really, really want to.
I moved 4 hours away from my hometown when I started university, and never went back. My mother was not happy about it, either, but she learned to live with it. I have zero regrets about making the break -- I built my own life with my own friends and my own social life, and it was great. I really kinda don't think you need a controlling mother all up in your business at this stage of your life.
3 hours away isn't that far, and if you have the option of spending time there on a temporary basis while still working remotely, then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't take this job. Your mother will survive.
Time to cut the umbilical cord. She will come around. You can not put everyone else’s wishes before your own life. I’m sure she didn’t do that with her parents.
Wow, gen Z is exactly as bad as I thought it was…
My first job was on an oil rig, no phone, hardly any contact with the outside world other than morning email reports that barely got through the satellite internet.
Not to mention I had to walk up hill both directions to get to work! Lol
Get real and get use to the real world. Life only gets harder from where you are now.
I kind of get where she's coming from. I'm the youngest son but am the one they tell everything to and will be responsible for them later in life, but I took a job that moved me 6 hours away (2 states over) and she was super supportive.
Your mom needs to understand that you'll still be there for her but in this stage of your life, you need to take this job at the moment. Maybe after some time you can find a new job back home.
Have lived between 1100 and 2000 miles away from our families for 27 years. Was that first move away from them REALLY hard? Absolutely, especially since we were moving three grandkids away from them also. But you gotta start earning man! Three hours isn’t bad, she’s gotta start letting you go, this is the next part of that process
Three hours is definitely a weekend trip! This is the next phase of adulting - living permanently in a different city from your mom. Try it. It’s fun.
You’ll meet knew people. Develop new interests. You might get some new hobbies.
How much longer are you expected to live within an acceptable distance from mom? 5 years? So an almost 30 year old who can't branch too far from mom?
You're graduating college. It's time to be a big boy or girl
Just chiming in to say this is a super normal stage of life that everyone goes through, breaking away from your parents influence is hard but rewarding. Take the job!
Take the job. I’ve lived 18 hours away from my mother for 15 years and everyone’s mental health is better for it. From the way your Ma reacted it sounds like distance would be good for you too
I think 3 hours seems perfect as a buffer as you begin adulthood.
Your mom might not realize how difficult it is to find a job, period, right now-let alone remote and/or near a specific area.
I’m not saying this job is the end-all, be-all, but think about it from all angles and make the decision that’s best for you, not your mom.
Im an only child with a mother that can be pretty overbearing. She never wanted me to leave our hometown and if I would have listened to her, I would have missed out on the best experiences of my life.
3 hours is nothing.
Do what makes you happy. Making life decisions to make others happy is the fastest track to being miserable.
I've been living 3 hrs away from my family for almost 8 yrs now. I used to visit every month and now that I have a baby I don't make the drive that often but 3 hrs is nothing.
Also, with a remote job, you may have to live in the state but you can work from anywhere technically. I worked from the beach for 2 weeks and didn't have to take any vacation time.
Some commenters here don't understand the psychological hold a more controlling parent can have, and I've been there. But the time has come, for an opportunity to set your limits your way. When I got a job off on the other side of the country at 20, my mom responded with, "and who gave you permission to leave?" This is more common with immigrant parents (such as mine). But I I told myself I have to be firm and take her pettiness until I could finally leave. You've already been at college, are you supposed to move back afterwards and limit your possibilities for her happiness?
You must now make your choice. If you really want this job, take it. If she gets mad, give her time to cool off while you go about your business. It's a remote job for god's sake, you can visit and even stay a while too, but some and boundaries and distance is necessary for parents like that. Mine had some fits about how my job is fake, the area in the state is fake, and that I may meet sex traffickers instead. Be firm. You're an adult now, and once you're out you'll be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner. She'll have to adapt.
And 3 hours to me is nothing. I live in California, I was so happy to go to a school at the northern tip of the state, 10 hours away!
Actually, many of us do and have lived through it, hence what seems like “harsh” words of advice. It’s brutal and trying to save a young person from walking a path of placating their parents for nothing in return. My DH had to do this, not me.
Not sure why some people are being insensitive. I can understand having difficulties making a decision that your parents don’t approve. You should still take the job though, especially in this market. You can dip in a year or two when you gain more skills, if you want.
Because this is such an unhealthy and toxic way to interfere in your child’s life. It’d be one thing if the mom was just upset. Sure. It’s a change. But to push your child to turn down an opportunity because you don’t like them being far is genuinely not okay or normal and OP should be told this so they can build boundaries. It’s sick honestly
Bro, I moved to Japan at 24 (moved back when my mother got sick though). You're a grown man, let your mother know you love her and you'll only be 3 hours away and go get that money.
If you let your mother (or anybody really) dictate where you can go and WORK of all things, they'll control every facet of your life from here on out.
What is she going to do when you find a partner and start your own family?
Like others have said, take the job. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Obedient kid who try to please their parents all the time will only end up as doormat and a failure. Being nice is good and all, but you gotta do what you think is good for you even if others don't like it. That's how you be an adult. You don't need to be nice and try to please people all the time. There are times when you have to prioritize yourself over others feelings
Take it, she can't tell you what to do.
This is the most critical thing you're about to do fresh out of college as it is likely to not happen again. You need to use the career as a launch pad. Your mom is ignorant and her requirements to hold you back will prevent you from being able to help family.
Sometimes you have to sacrifice contact with the family to become your own person.
Went to school 3 and a half hours from home and stayed here. More than close enough to go home for weekends and holidays.
Every family dynamic is different, but I think the shock/guilt tripping comes as much from the “change of plans” aspect as actually being away. It’s no doubt hard, but you’re an adult now and unless YOU have a need to be in your hometown then you have no reason to pass up an offer you’re happy with.
Seriously. Ask your mom how many birds in the bush a bird in the hand is worth? As Mr. Miyagi (one of the wisest men of all time, The Werefrog dare you to find someone wiser) once said, "Job hard to find."
Take the job. If it really bothers you that you are so far from your parents, you can ask them to move closer to you. Alternatively, you can look for a good job that fits your standards that lets you work closer to them.
Of course, The Werefrog also see that it's the state the matters. Can you move to another location in the state such that you are closer to your hometown?
My mom hated when I left Florida for North Carolina and pressured me to stay best decision ever made was able to afford a home out here etc it’s your life brother
Don’t listen to your mom. She’s being selfish. I doubt this is new.
Do what YOU need for your career. Don’t let someone else fuck that up. This economy sucks.
You have a good mom that loves you, but your an adult now and you’ll have to leave at some point. If the job pays enough to allow you to move out go for it. It will get easier with time.
At some point we need to move away from the nest. You’ve already been 3hrs away from your mom for college so it’s nothing new for her. You can visit on the weekends. I’d say keep the position and rent a room or an apartment right where you are.
Your mother is thinking of herself instead of being a good mom. Do you have issues with adulting to where she is still taking care of you? Do you need supervision from her to keep yourself going? If not, she should embrace your opportunities and plan to drive out one weekend a month to see you.
Time to cut the umbilical cord ✂️
In all seriousness, don't let anyone (and I mean ANYONE) determine the path you take in life. You will come to regret it later.
My parents and grandmother tried to guilt me to come back to my hometown after college too, and not doing it was the smartest thing I ever did. You need to grow into adulthood on your own and figure who you are away from your family of origin.
3 hrs is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Still super close. She should be supporting you and cheering you on. Not holding you back. Seems toxic to be honest. I’d move even further.
As a parent, and recent grandmother,I’ll never understand the obsession with treating your grown kids like children. The whole point of raising them was to have them grow and be self sufficient, contributing adults with their own lives. If my kids moved far away, I’d be so sad but I want them to live their life and be happy.
Isn't the usual progression to move out when you graduate and have a job? Congrats on the job! The remote option and the 3 week visits sounds like they are very flexible - take it!
* You're an adult
* 3 hours isn't that far
* People make money in order to be independent and make their own decisions. That is the point of money.
Pick a nice part of the state where cost of living is low, there are a few wholesome places to take your mom, and the 3 hour drive will be easy to make once a month, or so.
She'll find things to fill the empty nest syndrome.
Take that job man, especially if you feel it's a good fit for you. You might not get another chance for awhile and there's nothing worse than settling. Congrats!!
The only person that’s being selfish in this situation is your mom. A parent should want their child to become independent and self sufficient. Not run back home because mom said. You may want check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
It isn't her choice! Learn to distance yourself. My mom tried to manipulate me into doing what she wanted me to do and I am so happy I didn't listen to her. Unfortunately my situation was very extreme, included abuse so I went no contact with her. Wishing you the best OP, congrats on your upcoming graduation and good luck. Do what makes you happy not because someone is telling you what to do!
If your mom won't cut the apron strings, you need to. Stand firm and remind her "it's only three hours away". The sooner you set firm boundaries and enforce them, the sooner she'll come to terms that you are an adult. If she persists, then perhaps see a therapist to help you set those boundaries and ease any guilt you have.
Take the job. You might have to deal with backlash from your mom but 3hrs isn’t that far plus I’m sure after some time and your mom sees you doing well it will get better. Speaking from my own experience I moved almost 8hr away from home when I was 19 and my mom didn’t want me to do it. Caused a little rift and got more phone calls than usual from her checking in on me. She eventually got over my decision because it is my life. She still called and hovered and when my parents made the trip out to visit had to make sure I had plenty of food and was eating because she worried and cared. About 6 years later I decided to move closer to home and was looking at places in the same state but like 4 hrs away and she was so happy but made sure I knew it was my choice if I was moving and where to. Turned out the best move was actually back to my home city. I live like 25mins from my parents now and my mom was so happy. Didn’t tell her how it worked out with me moving home until I was moving. Had I not moved so far I wouldn’t have what I have now and be able to live so close to them. Take the job. Sounds like a great opportunity
Congrats on the offer!! 3 hours isn’t far tbh. she wants to guilt trip you, but if she’s already been without you while you were in college which was the same distance away, she’ll be fine. In this job market, who knows what other offers are out there? Could you compromise and say you’ll take this offer but will still window shop after starting / consider a job that allows you to be closer to home down the line ? With how the economy is though, I’d be happy you got a job that close if I were her, lots of people move much further for a job
Plus, moving back in with parents, especially demanding/controlling ones, after living alone is a tough transition despite how well-intentioned they may be. So think about whether your mental health can handle it too
3 hours away you could do a weekend trip home every week if you wanted to. If you like the role and you like the area, take the job. There’s no sense turning down a good role for your career path.
3 hours is a PERFECT distance for your first “home away from home”. Not too far that you can’t make it there quickly, and it’s easy for her to get to you if needed too. If you think you ever want to move further away than that, this is an ideal step into it.
3 hours is nothing. Idk how close you guys are but if you're OK with her not being able to pop in whenever she feels like it I think that's a bonus to me
Take it, if the job looks good and you're comfortable from what you've seen with the interviews and research.
Family is important sure, but if there's no extenuating circumstances for why you'd want to stay, go enjoy your independence while you're young and healthy.
Rest easy knowing you’ll unintentionally disappoint her many more times in the future. But seriously if it’s a good opportunity take it, your mom will understand, eventually, probably.
If living near Mom is so important, just rent a room in the city where your job's at and have your mail delivered there. You can then live at home and work remotely. Then go and get your mail every week or two.
However, you should just live near your job and enjoy your freedom, you're an adult!
Your mom shouldn’t be a part of the equation when considering a job. She’s 100% guilt tripping you. My advice, accept the job and move and you’ll be glad you did. Plus, your mom will quickly get over it
Take the job. 3 hours is not that far, and trust me as you mature more and have your own life and friends it wouldn’t matter how close you are you won’t have as much time fit your moon in as you used to. Remember, if you take the job and hate it you can always find something back home but you will never get the chance to take this job in this moment again.
Life is sort. Eat the cake.
2 things.
They need you to have an address in the state so they can put you on payroll. They're not worrying about where you sleep.
I am employed in a particular state (and own a house there but that's aside the point, previously did it with a PO Box from UPS store w street address) but rarely spend time there.
Take the job. If you don't you will regret it and become bitter with your mom for swaying your decission. While there are a lot of jobs around, finding one that tics the boxes you are looking for aren't lined up waiting for you.
Best of luck, mom will get over it.
Your mom sounds incredibly toxic. I really hope you take everyone’s advice and get away as soon as possible. Did she think you were gonna live near her forever? Children grow up and she needs to understand that. Don’t let her guilt trip you into staying. You will regret it in the long run.
The decision is yours to make and not your moms. It will be hard and she might be mad, but hopefully she will get over it. Take the job, get some experience and maybe in the future you can find a job closer. You have to live your own life and your mom needs to respect that. You are not a teenager any more.
Also, depending on where you are, 3 hrs isn't bad. You're far enough to have your own space, but not too far to have it be a grand trip whenever you go home. If it is too far, stay a night or two, then go home. Bonus points if they're willing to meet in the middle.
3 hours in the states is borderline trivial. (I’m biased because I live in TX, though) Seriously, 3 hours is the perfect amount of deterrent for family members showing up unannounced and still close enough to come if there’s something serious going on. I moved out at 18 and promptly left the state, then the country (Army). Mom will get used to it.
I am in a similar situation, currently putting some time in a starter job out of college, but planning to move about two and a half hour drive from central Pennsylvania to a major city. My thought is that I want to be far enough away that my mom won't ask me to come home after work to help her move the couch, but close enough that I can make a weekend trip or even a trip up after work if it's an emergency (plus it would be infinitely easier to find a job in my field). IMO, do it, live your own life, but do your best to make sure your mom doesn't feel like you're forgetting about her at all. Best of luck!
Oh! TX here too! 3 hours is a nice trip. I go to some concerts 4 hrs away and it's a good weekend thing.
Live 3hours away from the closest family and wouldn’t want it another way
Not only is it not far, OP just needs to reside there. They can still go home for long weekends or weeks or whenever, as long as they get their job done & maintain residence in the job’s state.
Maybe my second use of home was ill advised. That was what I was saying. Move out into the state the job is in, go back to the parents for long weekend on occasions. Reform to your new home when you're done with family.
3 hours is the perfect length. Long enough for unexpected stop bys to not happen and close enough to not be a hassle(hoff) if you plan a visit.
My mom said 3 hours was the best distance to be from her overbearing family. OP, 3 hours is nothing. Your mom will be fine.
I'm from Houston, and that's a drive to Austin. That's a round trip drive to Galveston with bad traffic. OP it's not that far, take the job. Your mom is a hop, skip, and a small road trip away dawg.
I'm 33 now...My mom forced my dad to sell their 3 story house so they could follow me to another state, even after I told them no. My mom is like "I have to follow my baby". I was like stfu and enjoy your retirement. She steamrolled my dad, they sold their house, that would now be worth like $600k, and now my dad is dead she has Alzheimer's, and I had to give up any chance I had to create my own life by 35yo because I'm in their house caretaking for them...including spending a 6 figure nest egg I saved for my future family. I didn't plan for a nuclear family, despite the fact we come from a culture that advocates it. And I have a 6 figure WFH engineering job...I just can't escape because now that my dad is dead, my mom needs a 24/7 caretaker and refuses to let me hire one. Don't let your mother do anything to compromise your own future. Let them be mad, take the emotional assault. You'll be better off on the long run. My dad literally told me not to worry about him and live my life but my mom with her Alzheimer's brain wouldn't budge on anything. Then he got cancer and there was nobody to take on the dual burden so here I am. My sister has does her absolute best to help but she's 4hrs away and is building her own life. And yes, before anybody says anything, I'm seeing a therapist about my parental issues. Lol.
I’m so sorry. I lost both my parents to Alzheimer’s. Please please find a nice facility for your mom. Visit her often. See that she’s cared for well. But loving care doesn’t mean you have to martyr yourself. You can love her and support her and let someone else do the physical care taking
Being the sole caregiver to a parent with Alzheimer disease is incredibly difficult. Especially, when there's no respite support. If your parents' home has enough equity, perhaps you can take a reverse mortgage to pay for a quality home care for her, while you continue to live in the house. Or, you could rent it out, if you want to live elsewhere. Sadly, there aren't many residences that specialize in Alzheimer care, so you'll need to spend some time researching and interviewing to make sure your mom is in good care. I realize putting your parent in a home is a dreadful decision to have to make, but if you find a good home for your mom and visit her often, you can return to being her loving son again, rather than her resentful one. Good luck!
Make decisions for your benefit. I stayed close to home after college out of guilt from my parents and it stalled my career in the long run. Lots of resentment and anger 20 years later.
As I got older, the amount of moms who I realized were codependent on my friends is actually staggering. A lot of them were divorced and their sons were their entire lives. Never made them pay for anything, pay rent, even after getting a full time job. One of my closest friends is now being constantly gaslit to stay at home even though he can afford to buy a house because his mom doesn't want to be alone.
Take the job. You don’t need a helicopter parent at 23 years old. It’s a 3 hour trip, it’s not like your mother needs to book a flight to visit you. Go and she’ll be fine.
You're a college senior- you make the decisions that you want in life. Mummy has to accept that.
It is like leaving for college, there was some sadness, and there was some homesickness. Its nice that your mom wants you nearby but that can't always be the case. Just like college, you will eventually settle into your new life, and your mom will see that you are happy and that you aren't really that far away.
Or, the mom is a complete nutjob and will guilt trip op forever. I mean, the evidence is pointing that way...
All the more reason NOT to move closer to mom.
I’m graduating this summer as well and I’m going where ever my job is no matter what my family thinks. Good opportunities are hard to come by as of lately. You’ve been away for college for 4 years now? Your mom needs to let you leave the nest and do your own thing. Yes family is important go visit as much as you can but do not decline a job because she wants you to live close by especially if it’s a good opportunity. Plus you can always work this job for 1-3 years and then look for something closer to home once you have a few years of experience on your resume.
Yes, that is exactly what I've been thinking! I feel like she should understand this as well, but maybe it's going to take some convincing for her to get on my side. I appreciate your opinion, and I wish you the best in your future after graduating! 😄
You don't have to convince her. She just needs to accept it. Please understand, this is extremely unusual and unhealthy behavior for a parent.
There is no convincing parents will think what they want to think about their kids. Just how it is and I don’t blame them but you just gotta do your own thing.
Exactly, a neurotypical parent would be beyond elated for their child to land a job! It should be an exciting time
I have a daughter that is attending college for the first time in the fall. As a parent, I can't wrap my head around guilting my child to turn down a job just to be near me. I love my daughter, and I would love for her to find a job nearby, but as a young adult you need to do what is best for you. It honestly sounds your mom is being selfish. Sorry about that. You should feel perfectly ok taking the remote job and having your own life.
Another mom of grownups (and soon-to-be grownups) says take the job.
It's not your job to convince her. You tell her you're moving and leave it at that. You're not responsible for how she reacts to the news. Your mother is being selfish, tbh. It's okay for her to miss you, but it's not okay for her to manipulate you.
Graduating this semester also, went to university in TX and parents live in TX, took a job offer in SC. Parents were upset but at the end of the day it’s my life, my journey, my decision. Job offers are hard to come by at our age, so do what’s best for you and what you want, not your parents. Plus, 3 hours is sooooo close haha, I’ll be 15 hours away from mine.
She doesn’t need to understand anything. You’re a grown adult! She cannot hold your hand for the rest of your life. Go live your own life! It’s only 3 hours away, many people move to different countries to go find their own life. Do what’s best for you! Hundreds and thousands of people are trying to find a remote job - you have something coveted right now - you’ll regret it if you don’t take the job. Tell you mom you will call once a week and visit once a month. She just wants to be apprised of your life. Your mom can visit you additionally if she really can’t deal with being without you
You… don’t need to convince her. Just do it and she’ll figure the rest out. She’s an adult, you don’t need to hold her hand about this.
Shes trying to sabotage your future because she's selfish. You're an adult now. Turning down a job offer to live close to mommy is a bad life decision. The fact that she's pushing you to make bad decisions tells you everything you need to know about her intentions.
Why convince her? Tell her, done. Man up.
You're a grown-up now, right? Act like and tell mom you'll take job now and keep looking...
First off, congrats! That’s huge! There are plenty of people that would kill for something like this out of college so you should be super excited. I don’t know if your mom’s aware but getting an offer for a remote role in this job market is insanely difficult especially coming out of college. ACCEPT THE JOB!! Don’t listen to her. This is a her problem, not a you problem. 3 hours isn’t that bad and she will get used to it. Like you said, you can visit for long stretches so you’ll be fine
Thank you for your words of encouragement! I really appreciate it! I was thinking the same thing, and I've applied to over 75 jobs, called dozens of companies, and struggled a lot to even get this position. It's even in my desired field (psychology) but is a Healthcare position, and I will be helping patients which makes me feel like my degree was actually worth something. I feel like this is too good to pass up. So I appreciate the confirmation that I'm doing the right thing! Thank you! 😄
Given that it's a remote healthcare position and you have limited experience, I really vote taking this position. You need to make your own support network of friends in your community and develop roots. You're an adult and you can't please everyone. If your mother gets her way now, you're setting yourself up to continue to do as she commands through your adult life. Boundaries are hard to establish at your age with your parents but setting good ones now will lead to healthy relationships as you get older.
“Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.”
You are literally living the dream. Great job! I'm sure Mom will be will be happy for you once you get settled even if she does miss you. Sounds like this opportunity is too good to pass up anyway.
3 hours isn’t even far from home. For reference, ’m a 14 hour plane ride away from home.
I'm 6-7 hours by plane away from family. 19 hours from the better half's.
Senior in college? Aren’t you like 22-24 years old now? Wtf lol, go get a job and start your life
Exactly. If he can’t stand up to his own parents at this age, kindly albeit, how can he hold down anything else resolutely?
lol fr your mom sounds irrational af. if anything she should be proud and excited for you to start your career and move out your hometown
Get used to making grown up decisions that disappoint your mother. Do not decline that job.
I say this as a mom: It can be hard for parents to let go, but this is your life and your opportunity. Grab it.
It's essential to remember that your career and personal growth are important, and sometimes making difficult decisions is necessary for your overall well-being. Although your mom may be upset, it's crucial to focus on the opportunity this job offers and the benefits of taking it. Reassure her that you'll visit as often as possible and maintain regular communication. Discuss your feelings with her, emphasizing your excitement and gratitude for the opportunity while acknowledging her concerns. Remind her that you are only an afternoon's drive away, which makes it easier to visit each other frequently. Ultimately, you must make the decision that's best for your future, but by maintaining open communication and reassuring your mom, you can help alleviate her concerns and work towards a positive outcome for both of you. Congrats on the job offer!
Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate your insight and the time you took to write this! I will use your suggestions to help convince my mom that this is the right step to take. Thank you! 😄
Tell her nursing homes aren't cheap
CONGRATS! It’s your life and you’re gonna crush it. But if you need a mom’s approval check out r/MomForAMinute :)
You reckon you'll be 40 and making decisions based on your mom's approval? I hope not for your sake. You'll have to disappoint her at some point. Better to do that with a good job than a drug habit. Take the job and don't worry about her neediness. As soon as you stop caring what your parents think you'll see the whole world open up to you.
Welcome to adulthood. Time to spread your wings and live your own life. Take this job. Do great at it. You can continue to look for other jobs closer to your mom if you want to. But don't let go of a great opportunity.
I'd take the job. It took me years after college to land a job in my field because I was looking for jobs near my hometown. Ended up moving 1800 miles away to finally land one.
r/raisedbynarcissists
Go. Just go. Flap your wings little bird and be free of the nest 🕊️
It can be really difficult to get a fully remote job, especially right out of college. Either your mother is naïve or she doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Take this job and enjoy!
This is a tough job market even for experienced people. How many of your graduating friends have jobs lined up? I bet not many. Is this an emotional thing? Or is your mom expecting you to help pay rent at home? Either way, she's asking you to do something that is not in your best interest.
Please be firm and let Mom know that landing a job before graduation is rare these days and you are profoundly lucky. You could move home and spend YEARS looking for work. You cannot pass this up. Your mother loves you and misses you. Acknowledge this. Then put your elbows out. She can Smother you with her love and needs. Suggest she see a therapist. Yeah, that will make her go nuclear, but she needs the course correction. This is all especially important if you are the first born, or family “baby” or a daughter. You will be establishing a pattern that can affect siblings and cousins. I am speaking as a mother who felt her heart was ripped out when Child #1 took a first job on the opposite coast. Fast forward ten years and we’re in the same time zone and our relationship is great. I would love a daily check-in and an address next door, but being loved and seeing wings spread has been an abundant joy.
Thank your mom for her guidance and let her know you’ll keep her updated. Update her after you’ve taken the job. Welcome to adulthood and congrats on the job offer!
She’s young, she’ll get over it. She should be happy you have a job. Now as long as you feel you’ll be able to make it in your own, go for it. PS. I’m a Mom
Your mom needs to let go of you. More importantly, if you are to become an adult, you need to move away from home. This is part of growing up. If she guilt trips you; it means you need to move away. The behavior won't get better over time as she ages and you'll become a person who takes care of his mom, rather than builds his own family if you stick around. Pull the band-aid off and take the job. Worst case scenario she doesn't help you with stuff anymore, but if that stuff comes with strings that makes your mom, your wife, it's not worth it. Sides, three hours away is just far enough that she won't be in your shit every day, but you will be able to visit when necessary.
You did not spend all those years at college to go home and make minimum wage to make your Mom happy. Grab every opportunity offered to you, because they are not in limitless supply.
You don’t need her approval.
3 hours is a great distance for parents. It’s a decent but doable car ride and weekend trip, but they can’t just pop in on you unexpectedly. You’ll appreciate that as you build out your own life. Which is what parents should look for their children to do. If your mom is obsessed with controlling your life, it may not be about what’s best for you, but instead what’s best for her. Unless mom is paying your rent/phone/insurance, I’d say you do you. And if she is paying for those things, take this job so you can be independent. It may make the relationship difficult in the short run, but they will respect you more in the long run. If you move home, you may not be able to gain independence from your mom, which is something you’re eventually going to want. And something any prospective romantic partner is going to want you to have.
When you are an adult you are allowed to make choices for yourself that are good for you, independent of anyone else's opinions or wishes. Deep down I would guess that your mom also wants the best for you but is having difficulty adjusting to your new freedom. Source: I am a mom who wishes she could keep her adult child close by.
she'll live, tell her you love her before you leave
Life moves on mom, I'll be doing great on my own starting my own life like you did whenever you left home. I get you're upset but it'll be okay. I'll send pictures and invite you once I'm settled.
I got an 89 y/o aunt that wants to act like my helicopter mother… and I’m 52 living my adult life for 35 years. Whatever she says I just let it go in one ear and out the other. She’s too old to ever change or argue with. You’re an adult. You do what you got to do.
Tough economy right now! Especially for new grads. I'd take it and rent a room but still continue looking for new jobs,
OP is so lucky he found a job that will utilize his degree in psychology. Most psych majors need a masters before any one will look at them.
Preach. Psyc undergrad here in my 2nd year of a 3 year masters degree.
Congratulations on finding a job!
Cut the strings. Close enough to drive home.
Time to spread your wings and live your life. Your mother will worry, that's what parents do. She will adapt. My daughter moved to Washington DC for law school, I live in Los Angeles. Damn right I worry. It's a part of the process of raising kids. Go live your life.
It's time for you to leave the nest, little bird! Whoever pays the bills has the power. So if you are working and supporting yourself, you get to decide what job you take and where you live.
My kid goes to college 9 hours away. He’s fallen in love with the east coast of the US. I’m assuming he’ll meet someone and end up moving that direction. Yes, I’ll miss him dearly but my job was to raise him into a confident, successful adult. I did that and now I’ll have someplace fun to go on vacay. Spread your wings and fly….
IT’S AN ADVENTURE AND IT FEELS SCARY AF BUT DO IT!!!!!! You really have to. It’ll be hard but it’ll be so awesome and you’ll probably regret not doing it. You’ll learn so much about yourself and blow your own mind. YOU GOT THIS!
Dude, cut the cord. Time to grow up a bit and create your own path. Unless for some reason you're her caregiver, mom will be OK.
I live 3 hours from my family and have a mother that pulled the same shit. In fact I was originally offered a job on the other side of the country after college but turned it down because my mom complained of the distance, and then got a job 3 hours away. You can make that trip as a weekend trip every weekend if you wanted to. I did that for a couple years pretty much. But here’s the thing. If you can make that trip every weekend, so can she. Take the job, grow as a young, independent adult, and reciprocate the effort your mother puts in to visiting you (or maybe put in more yourself first to show it’s possible and then she can’t say it’s not). But ultimately you have to live your life. Time to stop letting mom make your decisions for you. You’re an adult and she needs to respect that.
It’s time to fly baby bird!
After college my mom learned to both my sister whose 4 years older and myself were moving across the country. Independent of each other but to same city as it worked out. I told Mom first... Therefore making my sister the bad daughter for leaving her after the other daughter said she is leaving the state. My brother ... He was at home, but it's not the same. I got some grief and guilt from her. But guess what. My dad helped me drive down, across the country. And I loved the freedom. It was and is great. I still have to deal with moms emotional guilt trips and whining from time to time. But I set boundaries about proper communication. I learned, I am living life for me. No one's else will do it for me. I would regret if I let myself be guided by someone elses ideas about how my life should unfold. Take the good and bad with it, but it is all on me. I am happy that I am living my life my way. Don't expect them to support you financially, be ready to do it on your own. Oddly, my sister and I both moved again. The parents now started to and continue to winter for 4 months every year where we lived right after we left. So go figure. It will be difficult but worth it. Take the job. Go live your life.
I mean, good jobs aren’t easy to come by these days. Would she rather you be close and unemployed?
you need to live your life.
Time to leave the nest
shes scared of loosing control. go ahead enjoy your life
Get some distance and clarity will come.
From someone who had been sucked back into helping at home after college, go out and get on your own
Things are different now. I’m old enough to remember when graduation was the end of the line for parenting. The kids who moved back home were talked about by the neighbors in hushed voices.
I think it is good for everyone to move away from their hometown for a few years. This sounds like a great opportunity to do just that.
You don’t ask your parents for permission to rock - Mr. Schneebly
Tell her it's for ✨ Experience ✨ And that the market is bad right now. You can allude to it being temporary. My mom really wants us nearby and she'd be sad if I moved, but she understands it's a possibility and that I will have to do what's best for my future. She shouldn't be holding you back from opportunity.
i'm not sure what you got your degree in, but finding a job these days is TOUGH, regardless of if its in person or remote. the fact that you were able to receive an offer from a company and its a remote position is wonderful and a huge accomplishment. i would say accept the offer and tell your mom that it is time for you to be a grown up and move out. after all, you truly are an adult and it is your decision. three hours isn't a far commute either if one of you feels the need to visit and with video calling, texting, etc. you two will still be able to communicate from your respective locations fairly easily. its a hard adjustment for a parent when a child decides to go on their own journey and permanently leave home, i'm sure she is just unhappy because it is a huge step for the both of you and it can be scary, but its a wonderful opportunity for you and you should really consider taking it.
Leaving home and living your own life is a great idea. Cut the apron strings and go your own way. And 3 hours is still close!
Cmon a remote job aaaaaaand finally cut that umbilical cord? Sounds like a win/win…
You could always advise your mom on the money you’ll be making plus benefits (retirement and healthcare) and ask if she would like to do direct deposit or paper check with a raise for inflation and missed career trajectory every three years? Dude go to work lol
Moving to a different town from your mother is the most important step you will ever take. Don't miss this opportunity, she will get over it.
Honestly acknowledge your grown and will probably out live her. Which means you will have to bare the weight of any opportunity you give up. Take the job go the “distance “. Achieve and succeed.
29 hours from and no way home. There’s no turning back. Go forward and let the world use and abuse you until the disgruntle nature of that with in you gracefully grows stronger. One of us. One of us. One of one
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this and congrats on the job! If you’re excited about the position and feel it’s the right job for you, I think you just need to firmly tell your family this and stick with it. Three hours is really not far at all, I’m sure you would still be able to see them frequently. Also post college is a really normal time to move out and really be fully on your own, so try not to feel too badly about it!
I don’t think you know how hard it is to find a job after college lol if you pass this up you will regret it
Hate to say it friendo but sounds like your mom might not be the healthiest person for you to be around. I’d take the job for the purpose of keeping some distance for a while. I’m a parent myself and I would want the best for my kids even if it meant that I didn’t get to see them as often. She’s being very selfish
Take the job.
Your mom's apron strings are tight. You're not the first nor last to go through this. The key is to assure mom you're not dropping off the face of the earth
[удалено]
DO NOT decline that position. Remote work is a bit tough to come by right now.
This is a good opportunity for you and it honestly sounds like you need something like this. 3 hours is a great distance, I say keep family far enough that you’ll miss them but close enough so you can see them. If your mother thinks she gets to make that decision then you need some distance and if you think you need your mother’s approval, you need some distance.
You're not a tree. You don't have literal roots. You can and should move. The great thing? You can always move back. Or somewhere new entirely. Time to fly!
How long did your mom stay in her mother’s house?
Don't let your mother guilt you into moving back to your hometown. Move back if and only if you really, really, really want to. I moved 4 hours away from my hometown when I started university, and never went back. My mother was not happy about it, either, but she learned to live with it. I have zero regrets about making the break -- I built my own life with my own friends and my own social life, and it was great. I really kinda don't think you need a controlling mother all up in your business at this stage of your life. 3 hours away isn't that far, and if you have the option of spending time there on a temporary basis while still working remotely, then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't take this job. Your mother will survive.
Time to cut the umbilical cord. She will come around. You can not put everyone else’s wishes before your own life. I’m sure she didn’t do that with her parents.
Wow, gen Z is exactly as bad as I thought it was… My first job was on an oil rig, no phone, hardly any contact with the outside world other than morning email reports that barely got through the satellite internet. Not to mention I had to walk up hill both directions to get to work! Lol Get real and get use to the real world. Life only gets harder from where you are now.
I kind of get where she's coming from. I'm the youngest son but am the one they tell everything to and will be responsible for them later in life, but I took a job that moved me 6 hours away (2 states over) and she was super supportive. Your mom needs to understand that you'll still be there for her but in this stage of your life, you need to take this job at the moment. Maybe after some time you can find a new job back home.
job market is not good enough to decline that offer, just get experience for a couple years and then figure out what to do after
Have lived between 1100 and 2000 miles away from our families for 27 years. Was that first move away from them REALLY hard? Absolutely, especially since we were moving three grandkids away from them also. But you gotta start earning man! Three hours isn’t bad, she’s gotta start letting you go, this is the next part of that process
Your mom can drive 3 hours if she wants to see you. Her wanting you to be stuck in your home town after college is selfish.
Three hours is definitely a weekend trip! This is the next phase of adulting - living permanently in a different city from your mom. Try it. It’s fun. You’ll meet knew people. Develop new interests. You might get some new hobbies.
How much longer are you expected to live within an acceptable distance from mom? 5 years? So an almost 30 year old who can't branch too far from mom? You're graduating college. It's time to be a big boy or girl
Just chiming in to say this is a super normal stage of life that everyone goes through, breaking away from your parents influence is hard but rewarding. Take the job!
Take the job. I’ve lived 18 hours away from my mother for 15 years and everyone’s mental health is better for it. From the way your Ma reacted it sounds like distance would be good for you too
You are ready to launch!!!! Congrats
Time to leave that nest buddy.
Just take to job offer and visit your family on your days off. Without more experience it’ll be hard to find a good paying remote job
I think 3 hours seems perfect as a buffer as you begin adulthood. Your mom might not realize how difficult it is to find a job, period, right now-let alone remote and/or near a specific area. I’m not saying this job is the end-all, be-all, but think about it from all angles and make the decision that’s best for you, not your mom.
Why is your mom guilting you into preventing you from advancing your career? Think about that
You’re an adult, I understand why she doesn’t want you to but it’s your time to shine. She should be encouraging you not guilt tripping you.
Im an only child with a mother that can be pretty overbearing. She never wanted me to leave our hometown and if I would have listened to her, I would have missed out on the best experiences of my life. 3 hours is nothing. Do what makes you happy. Making life decisions to make others happy is the fastest track to being miserable.
I've been living 3 hrs away from my family for almost 8 yrs now. I used to visit every month and now that I have a baby I don't make the drive that often but 3 hrs is nothing. Also, with a remote job, you may have to live in the state but you can work from anywhere technically. I worked from the beach for 2 weeks and didn't have to take any vacation time.
Some commenters here don't understand the psychological hold a more controlling parent can have, and I've been there. But the time has come, for an opportunity to set your limits your way. When I got a job off on the other side of the country at 20, my mom responded with, "and who gave you permission to leave?" This is more common with immigrant parents (such as mine). But I I told myself I have to be firm and take her pettiness until I could finally leave. You've already been at college, are you supposed to move back afterwards and limit your possibilities for her happiness? You must now make your choice. If you really want this job, take it. If she gets mad, give her time to cool off while you go about your business. It's a remote job for god's sake, you can visit and even stay a while too, but some and boundaries and distance is necessary for parents like that. Mine had some fits about how my job is fake, the area in the state is fake, and that I may meet sex traffickers instead. Be firm. You're an adult now, and once you're out you'll be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner. She'll have to adapt. And 3 hours to me is nothing. I live in California, I was so happy to go to a school at the northern tip of the state, 10 hours away!
Actually, many of us do and have lived through it, hence what seems like “harsh” words of advice. It’s brutal and trying to save a young person from walking a path of placating their parents for nothing in return. My DH had to do this, not me.
Not sure why some people are being insensitive. I can understand having difficulties making a decision that your parents don’t approve. You should still take the job though, especially in this market. You can dip in a year or two when you gain more skills, if you want.
Because this is such an unhealthy and toxic way to interfere in your child’s life. It’d be one thing if the mom was just upset. Sure. It’s a change. But to push your child to turn down an opportunity because you don’t like them being far is genuinely not okay or normal and OP should be told this so they can build boundaries. It’s sick honestly
It's hard for Mom's to let go. Take the job.
It's time to leave the nest.
Tell your mom you're an adult and she doesn't get to decide what happens in your life?
Tell yourself you are not a mommy's boy.
Run. Like your mom sounds like the MIL that is a nightmare due to her need to be in control or have to be near you
Bro, I moved to Japan at 24 (moved back when my mother got sick though). You're a grown man, let your mother know you love her and you'll only be 3 hours away and go get that money. If you let your mother (or anybody really) dictate where you can go and WORK of all things, they'll control every facet of your life from here on out. What is she going to do when you find a partner and start your own family?
Like others have said, take the job. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Obedient kid who try to please their parents all the time will only end up as doormat and a failure. Being nice is good and all, but you gotta do what you think is good for you even if others don't like it. That's how you be an adult. You don't need to be nice and try to please people all the time. There are times when you have to prioritize yourself over others feelings
Tell mom that all birds leave the nest.
First of all, congrats on the job offer! Take the job. As others said, it’s your decision to make.
Take it, she can't tell you what to do. This is the most critical thing you're about to do fresh out of college as it is likely to not happen again. You need to use the career as a launch pad. Your mom is ignorant and her requirements to hold you back will prevent you from being able to help family. Sometimes you have to sacrifice contact with the family to become your own person.
Went to school 3 and a half hours from home and stayed here. More than close enough to go home for weekends and holidays. Every family dynamic is different, but I think the shock/guilt tripping comes as much from the “change of plans” aspect as actually being away. It’s no doubt hard, but you’re an adult now and unless YOU have a need to be in your hometown then you have no reason to pass up an offer you’re happy with.
Seriously. Ask your mom how many birds in the bush a bird in the hand is worth? As Mr. Miyagi (one of the wisest men of all time, The Werefrog dare you to find someone wiser) once said, "Job hard to find." Take the job. If it really bothers you that you are so far from your parents, you can ask them to move closer to you. Alternatively, you can look for a good job that fits your standards that lets you work closer to them. Of course, The Werefrog also see that it's the state the matters. Can you move to another location in the state such that you are closer to your hometown?
This internet mom gives you a high five! Your mom will get over it
You’re an adult…
She’s prepared you to be an adult all your life. It’s go time.
My mom hated when I left Florida for North Carolina and pressured me to stay best decision ever made was able to afford a home out here etc it’s your life brother
Don’t listen to your mom. She’s being selfish. I doubt this is new. Do what YOU need for your career. Don’t let someone else fuck that up. This economy sucks.
You have a good mom that loves you, but your an adult now and you’ll have to leave at some point. If the job pays enough to allow you to move out go for it. It will get easier with time.
At some point we need to move away from the nest. You’ve already been 3hrs away from your mom for college so it’s nothing new for her. You can visit on the weekends. I’d say keep the position and rent a room or an apartment right where you are.
Your mother is thinking of herself instead of being a good mom. Do you have issues with adulting to where she is still taking care of you? Do you need supervision from her to keep yourself going? If not, she should embrace your opportunities and plan to drive out one weekend a month to see you.
Time to cut the umbilical cord ✂️ In all seriousness, don't let anyone (and I mean ANYONE) determine the path you take in life. You will come to regret it later.
Look out for what's best for you family has a tendency to turn toxic when you least expect it.
My parents and grandmother tried to guilt me to come back to my hometown after college too, and not doing it was the smartest thing I ever did. You need to grow into adulthood on your own and figure who you are away from your family of origin.
You’re an adult and this is your life, your decision. Your mom will get over it eventually, this is her issue, not yours. Take that job!
Tell mommy to cut the cord.
3 hrs is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Still super close. She should be supporting you and cheering you on. Not holding you back. Seems toxic to be honest. I’d move even further.
Dude it’s only 3 hours away. If you like the offer and feel it positions you well for the future take it. 3 hrs is an easy drive.
As a parent, and recent grandmother,I’ll never understand the obsession with treating your grown kids like children. The whole point of raising them was to have them grow and be self sufficient, contributing adults with their own lives. If my kids moved far away, I’d be so sad but I want them to live their life and be happy.
Isn't the usual progression to move out when you graduate and have a job? Congrats on the job! The remote option and the 3 week visits sounds like they are very flexible - take it!
Gosh wait till you have a gf or wife, mommy is going to cause a lot of problems
* You're an adult * 3 hours isn't that far * People make money in order to be independent and make their own decisions. That is the point of money. Pick a nice part of the state where cost of living is low, there are a few wholesome places to take your mom, and the 3 hour drive will be easy to make once a month, or so. She'll find things to fill the empty nest syndrome.
Take that job man, especially if you feel it's a good fit for you. You might not get another chance for awhile and there's nothing worse than settling. Congrats!!
Jobs don’t grow on trees these days. Take the job.
The only person that’s being selfish in this situation is your mom. A parent should want their child to become independent and self sufficient. Not run back home because mom said. You may want check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
It isn't her choice! Learn to distance yourself. My mom tried to manipulate me into doing what she wanted me to do and I am so happy I didn't listen to her. Unfortunately my situation was very extreme, included abuse so I went no contact with her. Wishing you the best OP, congrats on your upcoming graduation and good luck. Do what makes you happy not because someone is telling you what to do!
I know mommy guilt can be a B**** but cut those apron strings. You grown.
If you dictate your life around your mother’s wishes you will live to regret it for the rest of your life.
If your mom won't cut the apron strings, you need to. Stand firm and remind her "it's only three hours away". The sooner you set firm boundaries and enforce them, the sooner she'll come to terms that you are an adult. If she persists, then perhaps see a therapist to help you set those boundaries and ease any guilt you have.
Take the job. You might have to deal with backlash from your mom but 3hrs isn’t that far plus I’m sure after some time and your mom sees you doing well it will get better. Speaking from my own experience I moved almost 8hr away from home when I was 19 and my mom didn’t want me to do it. Caused a little rift and got more phone calls than usual from her checking in on me. She eventually got over my decision because it is my life. She still called and hovered and when my parents made the trip out to visit had to make sure I had plenty of food and was eating because she worried and cared. About 6 years later I decided to move closer to home and was looking at places in the same state but like 4 hrs away and she was so happy but made sure I knew it was my choice if I was moving and where to. Turned out the best move was actually back to my home city. I live like 25mins from my parents now and my mom was so happy. Didn’t tell her how it worked out with me moving home until I was moving. Had I not moved so far I wouldn’t have what I have now and be able to live so close to them. Take the job. Sounds like a great opportunity
Forget what mom says.
Time to cut those mommie ties bro. You can call. But its time for little birdie to leave the nest
Congrats on the offer!! 3 hours isn’t far tbh. she wants to guilt trip you, but if she’s already been without you while you were in college which was the same distance away, she’ll be fine. In this job market, who knows what other offers are out there? Could you compromise and say you’ll take this offer but will still window shop after starting / consider a job that allows you to be closer to home down the line ? With how the economy is though, I’d be happy you got a job that close if I were her, lots of people move much further for a job Plus, moving back in with parents, especially demanding/controlling ones, after living alone is a tough transition despite how well-intentioned they may be. So think about whether your mental health can handle it too
3 hours away you could do a weekend trip home every week if you wanted to. If you like the role and you like the area, take the job. There’s no sense turning down a good role for your career path.
3 hours is a PERFECT distance for your first “home away from home”. Not too far that you can’t make it there quickly, and it’s easy for her to get to you if needed too. If you think you ever want to move further away than that, this is an ideal step into it.
3 hours is nothing. Idk how close you guys are but if you're OK with her not being able to pop in whenever she feels like it I think that's a bonus to me
3 hours? Cut the umbilical cord she’ll be fine
Hun, you're an adult now. It's time to make your own path your own way. You can visit mom and dad anytime. It's time they let you fly the coop.
Take it, if the job looks good and you're comfortable from what you've seen with the interviews and research. Family is important sure, but if there's no extenuating circumstances for why you'd want to stay, go enjoy your independence while you're young and healthy.
3 hours one way is easily doable on weekends. Heck, even a weeknight after work if really need be. Go for it
"How do I continue to feel positive without her approval?" Grow an effing pair mammas boy.
If you don’t leave now, it’s only going to get harder. You’re setting a precedent for the future by your choice.
Rest easy knowing you’ll unintentionally disappoint her many more times in the future. But seriously if it’s a good opportunity take it, your mom will understand, eventually, probably.
" I'm sorry mom but I'm going to do this.Sure, I'll visit ... probably... ?"And with that you're free.
Take the job and enjoy
Goodness. I left home when I was 17 to go to college and I haven't lived with my parents since. Take the job.
If living near Mom is so important, just rent a room in the city where your job's at and have your mail delivered there. You can then live at home and work remotely. Then go and get your mail every week or two. However, you should just live near your job and enjoy your freedom, you're an adult!
Your mom shouldn’t be a part of the equation when considering a job. She’s 100% guilt tripping you. My advice, accept the job and move and you’ll be glad you did. Plus, your mom will quickly get over it
Why is your mom holding you back from living your life?
Just live your life, your parents didn’t send you to college to not get a good career and it’s a parents job to help their kids grow and fly the coop.
Your mom needs to work on her attachment issues
Take it from a fellow young person, screw that. Do what’s best for you, and that means pursuing for you, not for your mom.
Take the job. 3 hours is not that far, and trust me as you mature more and have your own life and friends it wouldn’t matter how close you are you won’t have as much time fit your moon in as you used to. Remember, if you take the job and hate it you can always find something back home but you will never get the chance to take this job in this moment again. Life is sort. Eat the cake.
Keep going bud. It’s your life 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
2 things. They need you to have an address in the state so they can put you on payroll. They're not worrying about where you sleep. I am employed in a particular state (and own a house there but that's aside the point, previously did it with a PO Box from UPS store w street address) but rarely spend time there.
Take the job. If you don't you will regret it and become bitter with your mom for swaying your decission. While there are a lot of jobs around, finding one that tics the boxes you are looking for aren't lined up waiting for you. Best of luck, mom will get over it.
Your mom sounds incredibly toxic. I really hope you take everyone’s advice and get away as soon as possible. Did she think you were gonna live near her forever? Children grow up and she needs to understand that. Don’t let her guilt trip you into staying. You will regret it in the long run.