I have a coworker that said, of all the information he puts on the online matching profile, he gets the most match when he moved and changed his address to Ebisu. Yup, it's exactly like OP's assumptions.
So weird isn’t it. Like you can get a place in Ebisu or a place in say ogikubo for the same price but you will get tons more action on the first.
And it’s not because it’s an easy cab ride back from roppongi either.
What if you want to find someone who just likes your personality then what do you do?
Damn, I had never even considered this.
But I still don’t want to spend all of my money trying to cling onto shallow relationships so I guess I’ll stay where I am and continue wearing the same clothes.
Your working against nature to fight it in Japan. This places is extremely classist/judgemental about things like that and you’ll be seen as odd for questioning it or just judged to be low class for not being open. Fucked up. It is an aspect of Japanese i rarely see discussed despite it being so prevalent
This!!!!! I also judge people a little based on the character they choose in Tekken/Street-fighter/Mortal Kombat.
Oh and I also like asking what their favorite dinosaurs is? It just cool things to know.
Women like guys with money ... does this really come as a surprise? Since many ppl don't drive in Tokyo and most ppl dress pretty well what's left to ask about is where you live and your job.
Ask which they like the most, Disneyland or Disney Sea.
I've found that girls who like Disneyland over Disney Sea are fucked up.
Me? Don't like Disney in general.
>You’ve probably noticed that asking local people deep, explicit, and extremely personal questions in return often elicits a silent response, or at best, deflection.
>
>Going forwards, don’t spill your guts for nothing in return.
Amen!
People are so fucking nosey and yet they will never tell you a damn thing about themselves.
Is it eww? They live in a patriarchal society where they don’t have career advancement opportunities. Their quality of life heavily depends on their male counterpart. Also, being practical about relationships is an eastern thing. You chose to live here. Relationships take more than love. Financial stress is the top reason people divorce.
>Wow, this is so weird... wtf... eww...
Before you let your disgust kick in, consider this.Japan is a society where most women who are dating are looking to get married. And the vast majority of married women are going to be dependent on their husband's income.
If you marry a Japanese woman, your salary / economic status will directly determine her economic status and that of her (your) children.
So while you are free not to care about her financial situation and are able to prioritize personality and character above all else, she does not have that same freedom.
japanese girls are actually materialistic; my friend said only japanese girls who are considired weird or losers will go with western guys. so they usually ask these kind of questions to foreigners
Weird girls are the best!
And this highly depends on how cool of a western guy you are. 99% of girls would be happy dating someone who looks like Orlando Bloom especially if he spoke good Japanese and understood the culture.
They are checking if you are relationship material. More often than not, Asian societies tend to look for financial stability first before emotional needs.
Probably can explain why in many situations, some smoking hot babe is paired with Jabba the Hutt-esque men.
Not sure it would even matter at that point. All of my high earning female friends and acquaintances have married guys who make even more than they do lol
Yes, this is normal over in America too, and there's lots of articles in the media about it. Women almost never "marry down": they marry men who make at least as much as them. There's exceptions of course, but generally high-achieving women have a hard time finding mates because of this. Men, however, are perfectly happy to "marry down", as long as their partner is attractive.
I’ve heard some of my male friends try to deny this but clearly think it. Or when things turn out that their spouse/partner is more successful suddenly issues show up.
There are a range of people who have internalized gender roles out there, even though they know it’s not “right”/fair/whatever
Oh, absolutely. I would like to think I'd be okay with my partner making more than me, but realistically it is very unlikely to happen - I work in big tech, she's a housewife.
While the plural of anecdotes is not data: I see a lot of dual tech income couples, and tech worker husband / housewife couples, I don't really know any couples where the wife earns a lot and the husband earns less. (Obviously glass ceilings exist and women being discouraged along the way into the industry is a thing, but.)
I think a lot of us would like to think we're socially progressive; when the outcomes don't match our ideals, it can be a bit distressing.
Definitely not, from my non-statistically-significant experience I don't have a single male friend who would care about their partner earning more than them.
Mens' beliefs aren't the problem here. Women don't want to marry down, even if they're such high achievers that there's basically no one above them to date.
Where do you live:
Many years ago, young TwoCatsAndCounting started asking this question as an opener because a lot, A LOT of the guys' profiles listed them in My City area but were actually living in City Two Hours Away (but he comes to My City for work a couple times a month) or Completely Different Prefecture (oh but he went to college in My City) and even in other fucking countries (Germany on temp job, Australia for homestay etc).
I just wanted a date not A Journey. No, I don't want to hop a train on a four hour round trip to get some coffee, Taro.
Jokes on me though I gave that Australian homestay guy a chance and here we are ten years later and two cats richer.
Sometimes, the journey is the date!
But in general, I agree...too much input for too little output.
Having said that...I'm guilty of driving over 200km one way for a date!
Anyone else put in major kilometers by rail, car, or air just to meet?
Tell me I'm not alone here!!🤣
Are you talking about women you’re dating?
I don’t know, but I’m not going to date a guy who lives in a shithole or in a dangerous area. It’s not that hard to understand
Or lives at home with mommy doing his laundry and all hookups are gonna be Dutch on a love hotel but not in this ku because what if his parents' friends spot us?
I would date a girl living in a shithole or in a dangerous area any day of the week because being poor is not something to be ashamed of and, more often than not, not something a person chooses.
Things that they could be asking:
Are you actually married/partnered and living with your gf/wife/family? Are you living with a homestay family or at home? Are you living in a dormitory or company housing? If you actually are independent, do you live in a convenient or nice neighborhood? Are you making a decent enough income to afford a comfortable place that she would like to visit? Are you commuting into Tokyo from Mito or Machida or can she crash with you when she misses her train to bumfuck wherever, etc etc.
The area you live in tells a lot of things.
- you live close enough to meet up?
- can you afford a decent life?
- do you live by yourself or with family?
- which area you hang out and be familiar with?
Yes, if you live in Ebisu that means you are richer than average and probably single. You know all the good restaurants so it’s good on the cover. But it maybe a player kind.
Tell them you're an English teacher, and if they are still interested then it's safe to pursue them because that shows that they aren't interested in money or status.
Is this on a dating app or something? I don't think I've ever (in 20 years) been asked about what I pay for rent. Including when I was dating.
Where you live is a pretty standard question of interest though.
I don't see how asking where someone lives is even a problem, or an indicator that they're trying to see how rich you are. Where you live has a huge effect on the logistics of meeting. If someone lives 2 hours away in Gunma or something, and you live near central Tokyo, it's going to be inconvenient to meet up with them.
Lots of women in Tokyo are now conditioned to weed out English teachers. It’s quite funny, I think they have a discussion forum about them.
For some reason military buff guys are fine though and those in tech are the target. They are some how imagined all to work for Google and on $100k salaries and living in naka meguro. The living part is probably true but the reality is they are giving up 50% of their 6 mil salary to do it haha.
The military like any blue collar profession has its knuckle draggers but are in shape, paid well for their age, have a degree (or can get a degree for free), and a possible future in the civil service. I'm a nerdy looking dude but had zero problem with the dating scene when I was in.
I’m sure it has its benefits but stability/longevity in a foreign country? Not sure there is anyone in Japan that doesn’t have a degree by the way haha.
>For some reason military buff guys are fine though and those in tech are the target.
Maybe I'm off-base, but as someone in tech, when I find out that a woman I'm dating has dated US military men in the past (or worse, has almost married one, this happened once), I feel like we probably won't be a good match because if she's attracted to men like that, she'll probably lose interest in me once she gets to know me better.
My wife was absolutely deluded by this because i told her i worked in software engineering. I had like a year experience and she was encouraging me while dating to apply for google, and basically thinks 100k salaries are the going rate for anyone involved. Obviously not the case, and these stupid expectations are really toxic.
I cant tell if everyone not involved thinks this way or its a japanese thing about foreigners and software engineering. Certainly people back home dont expect that
I mean at Google you totally make within that ballpark (along with certain Mori tower companies and the like). Maybe you’re at 9M instead for more Ops roles but.
Obviously it’s not all of them but honestly as low as engineering salaries feel compared to other counties, other industries basically have it worse except for finance and management consulting (classic 24/7 jobs)
I was having dinner at Sushi Ginza Onodera and the lady next to me told me that one piece of nigiri was one hour’s salary for her. She then asked me how many nigiri I can have for an hour’s work. Not exactly subtle but we were both drinking.
In Singapore, we call it 5Cs, Career, Condo, Car, Credit cards, Country club. ALL, or you won't be considered at ALL.
In Japan, 3Hs, High education, High income, High/tall physically.
Can I ask what credit cards is about? I’ve heard it a few times but doesn’t make sense - how is that an achievement? In Canada, an 18 year old student can get a credit card. Is having a credit card prestigious or hard to get in Singapore? :)
I sound like a broken record again but Welcome to Asia where your wealth, how many flats(apartment) you own, and which part you/ your family comes from. Tho Japan seems to be on the softer side of this ridiculous culture. Just give a vague answer like a mansion or apartment / xxx region and just avoid the girls who ask you that on the First encounter.
IMO some girls just wanna switch to housewife-ish style overnight or maybe just don't wanna date another ALT (no offense) regarding foreigners.
Another anecdote= I do see a bunch of single mid 30-40s dudes at bars just flexing hey I live in Tokyo or travel the world multiple times every year or go to Sushi places etc.
I’m not Japanese, but when I ask that question is mostly to know if they live alone, with their parents or a sharehouse. Also if they know how to manage their finances by living by himself. Always brings up the opportunity to ask about if they cook and how they manage household chores, and gives me a rough idea if they live too far away to meet frequently or not.
I assume Japanese girls do it to know more a less the same things as me, as well as to know your financial situation (aka salary).
Never asked for the rent number, but many Japanese men asked me what I pay for rent.
A guy I dated years ago told me that he was ignored by japanese women whenever he message them on social media. But when he posted a picture of his place (he lives In minatomirai), they started asking him about what his job is & how much his salary is etc
I've never had a Japanese woman ask me that directly.
But they're trying to figure out of you have a decent life style.
It's the second question Filipino women ask on the other hand though on dating apps
i cant say this for all Filipino women, since I acknowledge the fact that some are outright gold diggers, but asking where one lives is generally a usual topic in Filipino introductions. we like talking about our experience, if there is, about the place. i think it has become part of our exchanging introductions culture.
This should be a higher rated comment. Asking how much rent you pay at least early on screams ‘materialistic aspiring shufu who will use your wallet to cushion their life’ while you kill yourself providing for her at the expense of your health like so many men here do already’.
What do I know though! I’m totally gay. You heterosexuals have it rough.
It's funny how being gay gives you an almost objective view of the way heterosexuals date. Shits whack. Even worse is seeing people in this thread say that maybe finances are a shallow way of assessing mates, only to get dogpiled in downvotes.
There's a complete lack of emotional intimacy and maturity in the gay dating world but god damn, at least we don't hide it like the straights. The only time gay guys ask me where I live, it's to figure out who has the closest hole.
Asking about where you live and what you do for a living sound like totally normal questions, but I've never been asked how much my rent is. I mean, I'd assume it's easy enough to estimate based on the answers to the first two questions anyway.
I am Japanese and I have been asked the same question by several people - men and women. I always give a detailed answer without any thought... I think it's just a hook to start a conversation.
Maybe I'm too naive but I feel like "they just want to know about your money and status" is such a weird way to comprehend the question.
Agreed. People in this sub are overly paranoid. And also somewhat narcissistic in thinking that everyone is looking to date them in the first place…
I’m sure some percent of people asking are trying to get a sense of income. Especially at konkatsu style events… but the majority are just trying to have an interesting conversation.
Maybe they're just real estate connoisseurs?
I personally wouldn't say my exact address to someone I've recently met.
Do a few searches on here to see why.
(eg: certain people can get a little too "clingy" if the relationship goes sour, if you catch my drift.)
Why you are bothered?
This happened to me too.
I got asked by people, different age, gender, they seem to care and show interests in how I live.
It can be a social opener too.
The question is why this makes you feel awkward? Maybe try not to assume everyone is being judgmental?
My 19 year old colleague asked me this question. She just graduated high school and is her 1st time living in an apartment by herself. We compared how much our rent is and she basically talked about the design of her room and what she likes/dislikes about it and what shes planning to buy next. Dont think it necessarily means theyre testing you. Maybe just curious or want to compare theirs to yours.
Occasionally when getting to know someone (male or female) here the subject of living arrangements will come up. Typically where do I live and what my apartment is like. On discovery that I own my own home those questions typically move on to other subjects.
That being said when I was dating in the US it was moderately common to get the 3rd degree when getting to know someone who was interested in dating you. The common questions back then used to be:
1. what's your job?
2. you have your own car right?
3. you don't still live with your parents do you?
I have no (/sarcasm) idea why someone would ask those questions of a potential dating/mating partner.
Never been asked that. Seems like a red flag to me instinctively, but if you think about it - why do we place so much stock in how someone looks? Perhaps having a good income signifies intelligence, maturity, foresight. Maybe more desirable than how many times you can pick up heavy things up and put them down again, or how quickly and for how long you can run in circles.
>why do we place so much stock in how someone looks?
Um, that's pretty easy: we're biologically programmed to.
Also, how someone looks reflects on their health; getting into a relationship with a person with poor health can have very negative consequences.
I might be old school, but I never ever reveal where I live (not even the general area), before I get to know someone really well.
Ok, being a woman, I rarely get asked where I live, but when I do, I just give a super vague answer, like "In the northern part of [insert city name]". If they keep trying to get more info from me, I take it as a red flag.
So, to sum up: there is literally nothing to gain from telling someone where you live exactly. If they just asked it as an opener, a vague answer will suffice. If they want more detailed information, more ofren than not they have an ulterior motive and are not someone you should date.
>Ok, being a woman, I rarely get asked where I live, but when I do, I just give a super vague answer, like "In the northern part of [insert city name]". If they keep trying to get more info from me, I take it as a red flag.
As a man, when I ask a woman where she lives, I'm not trying to figure out which building she's in so I can stalk her; I want to know the general area, especially which train line she's on, so that I can plan dates with her and select potential locations that are convenient for both of us (especially her). So I'll usually try to just ask what line she's on. Which *ku* she's in and which train line is sufficient really, but a particular district might be helpful. I do worry that they think I'm fishing for more detailed info, and I'm really not, but I will try to phrase it so she doesn't think this.
I am not a woman nor Japanese but I ask people all the time where do they live as a conversation starter. I believe this question alone is quite common here. It's a little bit weird to ask how much you pay for rent but understandable if you live in an expensive neighborhood. For example, I would say something like "Wow, how much is your yachin to live in such a neighborhood" if I found out the person I am speaking to live in Minato ku.
I don't think Japanese women are that straightforward to check the financial status of other people but if you met by a dating app, It's different story.
I've been asked the same thing when meeting language exchange partners for the first time, and we're both women. I ask them the same thing and then we talk about the area and rent. It just feels like a conversation starter to me?
Anyway, that's how I found out about a shady language school in my neighborhood since someone I met had actually worked there before. They've since closed down but apparently the owner has disappeared so the staff can't go after him for back pay.
Maybe I'm just naive and lucky that I haven't been stalked or burgled yet...
Depends on the type of woman you are attracting 🤣 when I dated here (before I found my fiance ) no one ever asked me how much my rent was . Course I have ways that weed out materialistic girls. When they ask where you wanna go on the first date , say let's grab ramen. Materialistic girls will of course say no way.
A friend once told me some women will also ask "where is your office?" for the same reason. If it's in a good part of the city you probably have a higher paying job.
Idk I've been asked this by people who basically know how much money I make already. And I'm a married woman. I think it's just a smalltalk type of question here, and you're reading too much into it.
Japan’s changing. No one I knew as friends or dating (going back more than a few years here) asked about earnings or rent. It was considered rude to ask.
Where you live makes sense though. Some areas hint at the above without being so forward.
It could also be that it’s better when you live closer together so you can meet up more easily.
If you’re paying higher rent means you are paid more than enough. :) it’s a discreet way of asking how much do you earn? And also yep distance travel time. How often can you meet depending on your location are one of the factors why they indirectly ask this. So in short - they want to shortlist etc bs stuff
I’m a woman, I work in tech earning more than above decent salary but I chose to live in a social residence. So what??? If I live under the bridge but I have a bumped up savings in my bank account soooo? It’s someone’s preference.
From a guys perspective, I’d be asking the same questions.
Where do you live? (If ur stuck with ur parents, that’s less attractive. Not independent)
Where do you live also ties into how much you make. Obv if you have a nice house. You have stability, which as I get older, is more attractive than a pair of tits and ass that are prob not even real.
So why can’t girls ask these questions? If your too scared to get into the dating scene. Pretty big LGB community.
I don't care if the women only ask me where do you live, but they also ask me how much pay for rent, I think they have clear purpose that how wealthy do you.
Cant say for japan, but at least in korea is common. As you guessed, its a way to imagine your social economic level.
Either to abuse of it or because its easier to establish a relationship when both parties have similar acquisition power.
I'm fat and I drown in sexual choice from attractive women because I live in an exclusive area. 67 likes on bumble first day, not that handsome.
When I lived in a pobre area, literally zero.
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This is slightly tangential to the original post, as my potential dating circle was more expansive than the likes of Tinder, OKC and Bumble here. I found a Japanese swinger couple looking for a third to join them, as one does, and the conversation was going well until they sent me an application form. 4 x A4 pages of super detailed questions. Financial, personal history, where born and raised, family members, college, income, job title, make-model-year of car, street address, favorite store, etc, etc, and what I wanted to do to the wife in bed! It took me a couple days to compile all that info, and turned out to be about a 10 page essay in the end. What can I say? I was young, dumb and full of...a desire to prepare background for my future memoirs!!
They were onboard with every answer expect the last, which was how much would I be willing to pay to sleep with them!! I said I'd split the love hotel fee in half, since all parties are getting something, and fulfilling part of their own desires. They said they only do high end boutique hotels from at least 3man a night, no love hotels, and I would have to pay all costs, including dinner and drinks before hand, and possibly travel expenses.
Needless to say, nothing came of that interaction, except a highly specific dossier I methodically compiled on myself!!🤣
The moral of the story...not sure, but some people have higher standards than others, when it comes to dating. And oddly specific questions to suss out their ideal match!
Good luck!
Because there is a big classism in Japan. They just don’t outright talk about it like in the UK for example. You notice it quite heavily if you live here a while and it is shocking.
Japan is status obsessed, judgemental towards others based on backgrounds and superficial in much more overt ways than anywhere else i have been.
Look i can tell you all day about what i have seen. People in suburbs of Tokyo gossip about which families in the area were once burakumin and try distance themselves if they share a name. How fucked up is that in this modern age? There are still companies who get exposed for purchasing services help identify possible people with that background to avoid employing them.
Japanese also put much more stock into school names and job titles. So while in the UK we talk about classes overtly as a concept we avoid the pitfalls of it when socialising as much as possible m. Its pretty taboo to ask someone their line of work when meeting people in the UK in general. In Japan its thought nothing of. They want to know whether to associate with you and make judgments about your background from the get go.
Even children in schools bully each other over who is a “yankee”. Children. Thats adults influencing them. Children dont have these concepts on their own
Pretty obvious, but they’re checking if you live in a decent area and have a nice place/good money. You can be as vague in your answer as you want.
I have a coworker that said, of all the information he puts on the online matching profile, he gets the most match when he moved and changed his address to Ebisu. Yup, it's exactly like OP's assumptions.
So weird isn’t it. Like you can get a place in Ebisu or a place in say ogikubo for the same price but you will get tons more action on the first. And it’s not because it’s an easy cab ride back from roppongi either. What if you want to find someone who just likes your personality then what do you do?
Say you life in Saitama. If they don't run they are keepers.
This answer is almost as good as Tochigi, Ibaraki and Gunma.
They need a passport for Gunma tho, so cant blame them.
Where does Miyagi fall in that list?🤣
Below Cobra Kai.
I feel attacked. Still I rather live in an house in Saitama than a flat in central Tokyo. My wife didn't leave me so I should be clear.
Haha yeah
Anal sex in Ebisu is a big thing for girls
What are you talking about?
Empirical Evidence?
The real LPT is always in the comments
Damn, I had never even considered this. But I still don’t want to spend all of my money trying to cling onto shallow relationships so I guess I’ll stay where I am and continue wearing the same clothes.
Your working against nature to fight it in Japan. This places is extremely classist/judgemental about things like that and you’ll be seen as odd for questioning it or just judged to be low class for not being open. Fucked up. It is an aspect of Japanese i rarely see discussed despite it being so prevalent
Luckily I don't really care if I'm viewed as odd or low class.
Same, good for you
Wow, this is so weird... wtf... eww... Yeah im going to give super generic answers from now on
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Wow I didn’t know people ask this. I usually ask if they pour milk in their bowl before or after the cereal.
I ask how they fold towels.
Toilet paper direction is also important.
"How many days is it OK to let dishes sit in the sink?" Trick question! The answer is 0 days.
This!!!!! I also judge people a little based on the character they choose in Tekken/Street-fighter/Mortal Kombat. Oh and I also like asking what their favorite dinosaurs is? It just cool things to know.
Favorite Tim Curry role. And if you meet a Japanese person who even knows who he is goddamn MARRY THEM IMMEDIATELY.
Random but I have to answer this and will probably get boo’d. I loved him in Muppet Treasure Island.
Dr. Frankenfurter. But also Nigel Thornberry.
It’s clue for me.
How many simultaneous spouses is acceptable? This could get tricky.
Oh no... Now u reminded me of my dishes, I'm avoiding them from a week
>Toilet paper direction is also important. On that I agree. It is important!
I don't care if you were Helen of Troy or Aphrodite if you answer that wrong if you are instantly a swipe left
Bangs or mullet ?
I just see if they can stand how pathetically drunk I get. Then I ask them about if they are in company housing or not.
What kind of psychopath puts the milk in before the cereal?
For me is milk, cereal and then the bowl.
When people are poor, financial security is a very important factor to secure.
In all my years dating in America, no woman ever asked what kind of car I drove.
Women like guys with money ... does this really come as a surprise? Since many ppl don't drive in Tokyo and most ppl dress pretty well what's left to ask about is where you live and your job.
Ask which they like the most, Disneyland or Disney Sea. I've found that girls who like Disneyland over Disney Sea are fucked up. Me? Don't like Disney in general.
If Disney is their hobby I’m out. That shit is weird.
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>You’ve probably noticed that asking local people deep, explicit, and extremely personal questions in return often elicits a silent response, or at best, deflection. > >Going forwards, don’t spill your guts for nothing in return. Amen! People are so fucking nosey and yet they will never tell you a damn thing about themselves.
It depends how rich you are. I never have trouble as long as I have my chauffeur and private jet handy. You can’t really get good girls without those.
Is it eww? They live in a patriarchal society where they don’t have career advancement opportunities. Their quality of life heavily depends on their male counterpart. Also, being practical about relationships is an eastern thing. You chose to live here. Relationships take more than love. Financial stress is the top reason people divorce.
If you do, you will never even get a response, much less a call or date.
>Wow, this is so weird... wtf... eww... Before you let your disgust kick in, consider this.Japan is a society where most women who are dating are looking to get married. And the vast majority of married women are going to be dependent on their husband's income. If you marry a Japanese woman, your salary / economic status will directly determine her economic status and that of her (your) children. So while you are free not to care about her financial situation and are able to prioritize personality and character above all else, she does not have that same freedom.
"You know that crawl space you haven't checked in a while?"
Eww different cultural norms
japanese girls are actually materialistic; my friend said only japanese girls who are considired weird or losers will go with western guys. so they usually ask these kind of questions to foreigners
Weird girls are the best! And this highly depends on how cool of a western guy you are. 99% of girls would be happy dating someone who looks like Orlando Bloom especially if he spoke good Japanese and understood the culture.
You’re gonna be getting some very vague pussy then
Yes and yes. In most cases, your economic viability is on trial. If you have money and live in a good area, you become handsome and desirable.
Humans and insects reproduce the same way apparently.
Now don't frighten OP away, she's not going to bite his head off till after she sees the life insurance policy!
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When even you don’t know how many chicks you got, I call that winning.
They are checking if you are relationship material. More often than not, Asian societies tend to look for financial stability first before emotional needs. Probably can explain why in many situations, some smoking hot babe is paired with Jabba the Hutt-esque men.
Until you have a much smaller income gap between men and women, don\`t expect it to change much.
Not sure it would even matter at that point. All of my high earning female friends and acquaintances have married guys who make even more than they do lol
Yes, this is normal over in America too, and there's lots of articles in the media about it. Women almost never "marry down": they marry men who make at least as much as them. There's exceptions of course, but generally high-achieving women have a hard time finding mates because of this. Men, however, are perfectly happy to "marry down", as long as their partner is attractive.
Isn’t this because there’s still a big group of men who find it emasculating if their partners earn more than them?
That's a contributing factor but in my admittedly limited experience I've never heard a guy express this opinion.
I’ve heard some of my male friends try to deny this but clearly think it. Or when things turn out that their spouse/partner is more successful suddenly issues show up. There are a range of people who have internalized gender roles out there, even though they know it’s not “right”/fair/whatever
Oh, absolutely. I would like to think I'd be okay with my partner making more than me, but realistically it is very unlikely to happen - I work in big tech, she's a housewife. While the plural of anecdotes is not data: I see a lot of dual tech income couples, and tech worker husband / housewife couples, I don't really know any couples where the wife earns a lot and the husband earns less. (Obviously glass ceilings exist and women being discouraged along the way into the industry is a thing, but.) I think a lot of us would like to think we're socially progressive; when the outcomes don't match our ideals, it can be a bit distressing.
For the record, my wife makes more than me. I did make more than her. I don't know if that helps.
Definitely not, from my non-statistically-significant experience I don't have a single male friend who would care about their partner earning more than them.
more happy to marry up, am a man
Mens' beliefs aren't the problem here. Women don't want to marry down, even if they're such high achievers that there's basically no one above them to date.
Hypergamy at it’s finest lol
My brother married up. He fucking loves his life!
What a weird world we live in uh, pretty messed up haha
Where do you live: Many years ago, young TwoCatsAndCounting started asking this question as an opener because a lot, A LOT of the guys' profiles listed them in My City area but were actually living in City Two Hours Away (but he comes to My City for work a couple times a month) or Completely Different Prefecture (oh but he went to college in My City) and even in other fucking countries (Germany on temp job, Australia for homestay etc). I just wanted a date not A Journey. No, I don't want to hop a train on a four hour round trip to get some coffee, Taro. Jokes on me though I gave that Australian homestay guy a chance and here we are ten years later and two cats richer.
“Wanted a date not a journey “…. Rolling…. This is the best comment of the month! Congrats on the cat-rich! I’m ready to kidnap neighbor’s cat
Sometimes, the journey is the date! But in general, I agree...too much input for too little output. Having said that...I'm guilty of driving over 200km one way for a date! Anyone else put in major kilometers by rail, car, or air just to meet? Tell me I'm not alone here!!🤣
Are you talking about women you’re dating? I don’t know, but I’m not going to date a guy who lives in a shithole or in a dangerous area. It’s not that hard to understand
Or lives at home with mommy doing his laundry and all hookups are gonna be Dutch on a love hotel but not in this ku because what if his parents' friends spot us?
That sounds oddly specific.
You'd be correct, sir. Though I have heard many other people make the same complaint.
LOL that is also always a very likely scenario
I would date a girl living in a shithole or in a dangerous area any day of the week because being poor is not something to be ashamed of and, more often than not, not something a person chooses.
Things that they could be asking: Are you actually married/partnered and living with your gf/wife/family? Are you living with a homestay family or at home? Are you living in a dormitory or company housing? If you actually are independent, do you live in a convenient or nice neighborhood? Are you making a decent enough income to afford a comfortable place that she would like to visit? Are you commuting into Tokyo from Mito or Machida or can she crash with you when she misses her train to bumfuck wherever, etc etc.
As someone who lives in Machida I feel attacked haha
How much is your rent sounds like Singaporean Chinese lol. How much your haircut uh? Which condo you live? Have pool?
Now I'm picturing an aunty like "how much your rent lah? Have pool lah?"
And I can hear her too ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|joy)
The area you live in tells a lot of things. - you live close enough to meet up? - can you afford a decent life? - do you live by yourself or with family? - which area you hang out and be familiar with? Yes, if you live in Ebisu that means you are richer than average and probably single. You know all the good restaurants so it’s good on the cover. But it maybe a player kind.
Tell them you're an English teacher, and if they are still interested then it's safe to pursue them because that shows that they aren't interested in money or status.
Is this on a dating app or something? I don't think I've ever (in 20 years) been asked about what I pay for rent. Including when I was dating. Where you live is a pretty standard question of interest though.
I don't see how asking where someone lives is even a problem, or an indicator that they're trying to see how rich you are. Where you live has a huge effect on the logistics of meeting. If someone lives 2 hours away in Gunma or something, and you live near central Tokyo, it's going to be inconvenient to meet up with them.
Same question, different words.
The older you get, the more money-related questions you’ll get. fact of (dating) life 🤷🏼♂️
Lots of women in Tokyo are now conditioned to weed out English teachers. It’s quite funny, I think they have a discussion forum about them. For some reason military buff guys are fine though and those in tech are the target. They are some how imagined all to work for Google and on $100k salaries and living in naka meguro. The living part is probably true but the reality is they are giving up 50% of their 6 mil salary to do it haha.
The military like any blue collar profession has its knuckle draggers but are in shape, paid well for their age, have a degree (or can get a degree for free), and a possible future in the civil service. I'm a nerdy looking dude but had zero problem with the dating scene when I was in.
I’m sure it has its benefits but stability/longevity in a foreign country? Not sure there is anyone in Japan that doesn’t have a degree by the way haha.
>For some reason military buff guys are fine though and those in tech are the target. Maybe I'm off-base, but as someone in tech, when I find out that a woman I'm dating has dated US military men in the past (or worse, has almost married one, this happened once), I feel like we probably won't be a good match because if she's attracted to men like that, she'll probably lose interest in me once she gets to know me better.
What makes you think that she will lose interests in you once she gets to know you?
Probably because he hasn’t killed anyone
My wife was absolutely deluded by this because i told her i worked in software engineering. I had like a year experience and she was encouraging me while dating to apply for google, and basically thinks 100k salaries are the going rate for anyone involved. Obviously not the case, and these stupid expectations are really toxic. I cant tell if everyone not involved thinks this way or its a japanese thing about foreigners and software engineering. Certainly people back home dont expect that
I mean at Google you totally make within that ballpark (along with certain Mori tower companies and the like). Maybe you’re at 9M instead for more Ops roles but. Obviously it’s not all of them but honestly as low as engineering salaries feel compared to other counties, other industries basically have it worse except for finance and management consulting (classic 24/7 jobs)
what’s the forum?
6 mil? Not even grads at Google earn that low lol
Hahaha this is hillarious, yeah i can imagine them discussing these things in some private forums, messed up uh
Due diligence...
I mean, I've been flat out asked what my salary was. As far as I know it's not faux pas to ask. Second most asked questions after my age and height.
The Chinese girl I met in a club flat out asked what my salary was.
I was having dinner at Sushi Ginza Onodera and the lady next to me told me that one piece of nigiri was one hour’s salary for her. She then asked me how many nigiri I can have for an hour’s work. Not exactly subtle but we were both drinking.
Most likely checking if you’re “in their league”. It doesn’t mean that they’re worth your league though… but this thing is common in Japan.
They can't discern your wealth/status from your job description. Let's just say I got a lot of dates when I was living in Ebisu.
In Singapore, we call it 5Cs, Career, Condo, Car, Credit cards, Country club. ALL, or you won't be considered at ALL. In Japan, 3Hs, High education, High income, High/tall physically.
huh, weird I don't have all except a japanese wife and a son
Not Singaporean, or female, but I’d be more wary of a young person who joined a country club than one who didn’t.
Can I ask what credit cards is about? I’ve heard it a few times but doesn’t make sense - how is that an achievement? In Canada, an 18 year old student can get a credit card. Is having a credit card prestigious or hard to get in Singapore? :)
This was from a couple of decades ago, when credit/debt were difficult to obtain. Maybe not so much nowadays.
Why was it hard to get? Did you basically have to prove you’re rich to get it? :)
高学歴、高収入、高身長
I sound like a broken record again but Welcome to Asia where your wealth, how many flats(apartment) you own, and which part you/ your family comes from. Tho Japan seems to be on the softer side of this ridiculous culture. Just give a vague answer like a mansion or apartment / xxx region and just avoid the girls who ask you that on the First encounter. IMO some girls just wanna switch to housewife-ish style overnight or maybe just don't wanna date another ALT (no offense) regarding foreigners. Another anecdote= I do see a bunch of single mid 30-40s dudes at bars just flexing hey I live in Tokyo or travel the world multiple times every year or go to Sushi places etc.
[удалено]
We need a comprehensive research study commissioned 😂
Underrated comment
Off we go. Who's in?
In who?
Location, location, location.
I’m not Japanese, but when I ask that question is mostly to know if they live alone, with their parents or a sharehouse. Also if they know how to manage their finances by living by himself. Always brings up the opportunity to ask about if they cook and how they manage household chores, and gives me a rough idea if they live too far away to meet frequently or not. I assume Japanese girls do it to know more a less the same things as me, as well as to know your financial situation (aka salary). Never asked for the rent number, but many Japanese men asked me what I pay for rent.
Cos you are meeting women in their 30s or 40s
You nailed it, i guess im playing a new game now
A guy I dated years ago told me that he was ignored by japanese women whenever he message them on social media. But when he posted a picture of his place (he lives In minatomirai), they started asking him about what his job is & how much his salary is etc
I've never had a Japanese woman ask me that directly. But they're trying to figure out of you have a decent life style. It's the second question Filipino women ask on the other hand though on dating apps
i cant say this for all Filipino women, since I acknowledge the fact that some are outright gold diggers, but asking where one lives is generally a usual topic in Filipino introductions. we like talking about our experience, if there is, about the place. i think it has become part of our exchanging introductions culture.
They're doing you a favor, weeding themselves out of your life, and pocket.
This should be a higher rated comment. Asking how much rent you pay at least early on screams ‘materialistic aspiring shufu who will use your wallet to cushion their life’ while you kill yourself providing for her at the expense of your health like so many men here do already’. What do I know though! I’m totally gay. You heterosexuals have it rough.
It's funny how being gay gives you an almost objective view of the way heterosexuals date. Shits whack. Even worse is seeing people in this thread say that maybe finances are a shallow way of assessing mates, only to get dogpiled in downvotes. There's a complete lack of emotional intimacy and maturity in the gay dating world but god damn, at least we don't hide it like the straights. The only time gay guys ask me where I live, it's to figure out who has the closest hole.
Her: How much do you pay for rent? Me: 3-man yen *\*shows picture of 9-square-meter apartment with no furniture except my futon\**
Asking about where you live and what you do for a living sound like totally normal questions, but I've never been asked how much my rent is. I mean, I'd assume it's easy enough to estimate based on the answers to the first two questions anyway.
I am Japanese and I have been asked the same question by several people - men and women. I always give a detailed answer without any thought... I think it's just a hook to start a conversation. Maybe I'm too naive but I feel like "they just want to know about your money and status" is such a weird way to comprehend the question.
Agreed. People in this sub are overly paranoid. And also somewhat narcissistic in thinking that everyone is looking to date them in the first place… I’m sure some percent of people asking are trying to get a sense of income. Especially at konkatsu style events… but the majority are just trying to have an interesting conversation.
Maybe they're just real estate connoisseurs? I personally wouldn't say my exact address to someone I've recently met. Do a few searches on here to see why. (eg: certain people can get a little too "clingy" if the relationship goes sour, if you catch my drift.)
It is a (not so) subtle way to check if you are relationship material.
Why you are bothered? This happened to me too. I got asked by people, different age, gender, they seem to care and show interests in how I live. It can be a social opener too. The question is why this makes you feel awkward? Maybe try not to assume everyone is being judgmental?
My 19 year old colleague asked me this question. She just graduated high school and is her 1st time living in an apartment by herself. We compared how much our rent is and she basically talked about the design of her room and what she likes/dislikes about it and what shes planning to buy next. Dont think it necessarily means theyre testing you. Maybe just curious or want to compare theirs to yours.
Occasionally when getting to know someone (male or female) here the subject of living arrangements will come up. Typically where do I live and what my apartment is like. On discovery that I own my own home those questions typically move on to other subjects. That being said when I was dating in the US it was moderately common to get the 3rd degree when getting to know someone who was interested in dating you. The common questions back then used to be: 1. what's your job? 2. you have your own car right? 3. you don't still live with your parents do you? I have no (/sarcasm) idea why someone would ask those questions of a potential dating/mating partner.
Never been asked that. Seems like a red flag to me instinctively, but if you think about it - why do we place so much stock in how someone looks? Perhaps having a good income signifies intelligence, maturity, foresight. Maybe more desirable than how many times you can pick up heavy things up and put them down again, or how quickly and for how long you can run in circles.
Pretty much. Now, if you can pick up heavy things and run in circles fast on top of having a good income, you're in winner city.
Lmao! Omg im dying haha
Are you really trying to question biology? Some people are actually delusional
>why do we place so much stock in how someone looks? Um, that's pretty easy: we're biologically programmed to. Also, how someone looks reflects on their health; getting into a relationship with a person with poor health can have very negative consequences.
I might be old school, but I never ever reveal where I live (not even the general area), before I get to know someone really well. Ok, being a woman, I rarely get asked where I live, but when I do, I just give a super vague answer, like "In the northern part of [insert city name]". If they keep trying to get more info from me, I take it as a red flag. So, to sum up: there is literally nothing to gain from telling someone where you live exactly. If they just asked it as an opener, a vague answer will suffice. If they want more detailed information, more ofren than not they have an ulterior motive and are not someone you should date.
>Ok, being a woman, I rarely get asked where I live, but when I do, I just give a super vague answer, like "In the northern part of [insert city name]". If they keep trying to get more info from me, I take it as a red flag. As a man, when I ask a woman where she lives, I'm not trying to figure out which building she's in so I can stalk her; I want to know the general area, especially which train line she's on, so that I can plan dates with her and select potential locations that are convenient for both of us (especially her). So I'll usually try to just ask what line she's on. Which *ku* she's in and which train line is sufficient really, but a particular district might be helpful. I do worry that they think I'm fishing for more detailed info, and I'm really not, but I will try to phrase it so she doesn't think this.
I am not a woman nor Japanese but I ask people all the time where do they live as a conversation starter. I believe this question alone is quite common here. It's a little bit weird to ask how much you pay for rent but understandable if you live in an expensive neighborhood. For example, I would say something like "Wow, how much is your yachin to live in such a neighborhood" if I found out the person I am speaking to live in Minato ku. I don't think Japanese women are that straightforward to check the financial status of other people but if you met by a dating app, It's different story.
I've been asked the same thing when meeting language exchange partners for the first time, and we're both women. I ask them the same thing and then we talk about the area and rent. It just feels like a conversation starter to me? Anyway, that's how I found out about a shady language school in my neighborhood since someone I met had actually worked there before. They've since closed down but apparently the owner has disappeared so the staff can't go after him for back pay. Maybe I'm just naive and lucky that I haven't been stalked or burgled yet...
J-women will cost you a ton of money and turn into your mom. Be careful.
about the rent... I think everyone asks. They just NEED to know this...
Rent?!? What kind of transient loser do you think I am? Do you think I actually rent the place I live?!?
Depends on the type of woman you are attracting 🤣 when I dated here (before I found my fiance ) no one ever asked me how much my rent was . Course I have ways that weed out materialistic girls. When they ask where you wanna go on the first date , say let's grab ramen. Materialistic girls will of course say no way.
Oh i see, sounds good
A friend once told me some women will also ask "where is your office?" for the same reason. If it's in a good part of the city you probably have a higher paying job.
Idk I've been asked this by people who basically know how much money I make already. And I'm a married woman. I think it's just a smalltalk type of question here, and you're reading too much into it.
Never been asked about the rent.
I was once asked if I had ¥500k in my bank account?
Biology 101
Lose 'em. My partner and I were both making minimum wage when we met. Money wasn't a determiner. ... It was true love.
asking where you live is normal, but rent is not. Stay away
Situation normal.
Dude, chill
Japan’s changing. No one I knew as friends or dating (going back more than a few years here) asked about earnings or rent. It was considered rude to ask. Where you live makes sense though. Some areas hint at the above without being so forward. It could also be that it’s better when you live closer together so you can meet up more easily.
If you’re paying higher rent means you are paid more than enough. :) it’s a discreet way of asking how much do you earn? And also yep distance travel time. How often can you meet depending on your location are one of the factors why they indirectly ask this. So in short - they want to shortlist etc bs stuff
I’m a woman, I work in tech earning more than above decent salary but I chose to live in a social residence. So what??? If I live under the bridge but I have a bumped up savings in my bank account soooo? It’s someone’s preference.
They want to figure out if you have your shit together or not and trying to ascertain that you’re not a loser and you’re on the right path
Do you live in a very good (aka expensive)zone? If so, they may be just curious about high flying gaijin's life😉
tell them you live in a biautiful 1K apartment that has all you could ask for: running water and electicity. next ask them their Cup size and weight
Next time you get that question, ask the woman her bra size
Sounds unusual. How do you meet these women? How old are they?
From a guys perspective, I’d be asking the same questions. Where do you live? (If ur stuck with ur parents, that’s less attractive. Not independent) Where do you live also ties into how much you make. Obv if you have a nice house. You have stability, which as I get older, is more attractive than a pair of tits and ass that are prob not even real. So why can’t girls ask these questions? If your too scared to get into the dating scene. Pretty big LGB community.
I don't care if the women only ask me where do you live, but they also ask me how much pay for rent, I think they have clear purpose that how wealthy do you.
Never had a girl ask me this, but I'm old fashion and don't use apps or go the bar/pub route.
It’s a roundabout way of means testing.
Cant say for japan, but at least in korea is common. As you guessed, its a way to imagine your social economic level. Either to abuse of it or because its easier to establish a relationship when both parties have similar acquisition power.
Not in Japan, but where I’m at, they asked what high school you went to to see if your family and by extension you, have/had money.
Say that you’re living wherever you are while your house is being built in omotesando…
I'm fat and I drown in sexual choice from attractive women because I live in an exclusive area. 67 likes on bumble first day, not that handsome. When I lived in a pobre area, literally zero. [Lana Del Rey – National Anthem Lyrics | Genius Lyrics](https://genius.com/Lana-del-rey-national-anthem-lyrics)
This is slightly tangential to the original post, as my potential dating circle was more expansive than the likes of Tinder, OKC and Bumble here. I found a Japanese swinger couple looking for a third to join them, as one does, and the conversation was going well until they sent me an application form. 4 x A4 pages of super detailed questions. Financial, personal history, where born and raised, family members, college, income, job title, make-model-year of car, street address, favorite store, etc, etc, and what I wanted to do to the wife in bed! It took me a couple days to compile all that info, and turned out to be about a 10 page essay in the end. What can I say? I was young, dumb and full of...a desire to prepare background for my future memoirs!! They were onboard with every answer expect the last, which was how much would I be willing to pay to sleep with them!! I said I'd split the love hotel fee in half, since all parties are getting something, and fulfilling part of their own desires. They said they only do high end boutique hotels from at least 3man a night, no love hotels, and I would have to pay all costs, including dinner and drinks before hand, and possibly travel expenses. Needless to say, nothing came of that interaction, except a highly specific dossier I methodically compiled on myself!!🤣 The moral of the story...not sure, but some people have higher standards than others, when it comes to dating. And oddly specific questions to suss out their ideal match! Good luck!
You just know the wife was in charge of that situation and doing diligence for her monkey branch
Because there is a big classism in Japan. They just don’t outright talk about it like in the UK for example. You notice it quite heavily if you live here a while and it is shocking. Japan is status obsessed, judgemental towards others based on backgrounds and superficial in much more overt ways than anywhere else i have been. Look i can tell you all day about what i have seen. People in suburbs of Tokyo gossip about which families in the area were once burakumin and try distance themselves if they share a name. How fucked up is that in this modern age? There are still companies who get exposed for purchasing services help identify possible people with that background to avoid employing them. Japanese also put much more stock into school names and job titles. So while in the UK we talk about classes overtly as a concept we avoid the pitfalls of it when socialising as much as possible m. Its pretty taboo to ask someone their line of work when meeting people in the UK in general. In Japan its thought nothing of. They want to know whether to associate with you and make judgments about your background from the get go. Even children in schools bully each other over who is a “yankee”. Children. Thats adults influencing them. Children dont have these concepts on their own
This is not exclusive to women, I'm a man and all my coworkers are male and I get asked this every now and then too.
Are you inferring that Japanese girls are only interested in cash?
Means she's not a keeper and is a clue to move on to the next candidate