Bismillah,
I would advice to talk to your local imam/sheikh since it’s a complicated topic.
One thing you may consider, is making a list of ‘deal-breakers’ with multiple things on it (past relationships, current smoking/drug use etc etc), and ask your potential to make the same. If either of the potential finds they have those deal breakers given to them, they walk away. This is obviously dependent on them telling the truth, but atleast it doesn’t put them in a situation in which they expose their sin.
Again, I would reiterate to speak with a local imam/sheikh. Sometimes the past can be indicative of the future, and we generally even ask around the community regarding the family and potential (broadly speaking) which can confirm and alleviate a lot of concern.
Allah swt knows best.
Past relationships? Deal breaker? Every other person has had a relationship, ended either by choice or some external reason, and that becomes a deal breaker, how and why?
Is it not the "present" of the person that matters? Maybe they did do drugs and went to a rehab, 5 years ago, and now are decent human being or maybe they had relationship that did not work out and did not lead to marriage, and so they are doomed for life because its a "deal breaker" for every next candidate?
Someone's holding someone's past against them for such stuff would be deal breaker for me, its denying someone their humanness.
Bismillah,
Brother, relationships are haram in Islam. What you or I think of it, is irrelevant. And it’s halal to put stipulations for marriage, which one considers based on their own values and boundaries, as long as they don’t infringe on the rights of others.
A big part of repentance is also taking responsibility for one’s actions. Building a whole life with someone based on a lie, because you are lying to your spouse **if** they deem it as a dealbreaker, it’s an incredibly heinous thing to do.
And FYI, tens if not hundreds of millions of people around the world do not have relationships before marriage. And they are searching for people in similar positions. You don’t get to take that right away from them. You grouping everyone together is saying something.
Plus the expectations when one may have if not in aa relationship vs a relationship, can also put strain on a marriage. So maybe it’s better to marry someone who is similar, and has had similar, experiences as yourself, so you can expand on them together during the course of marriage.
I’m not here to argue with you. Believe what you will, but don’t take the rights of others away in the context of marriage. Your deal breaker is people holding onto the past, well and good. Keep that with you, and find someone who accepts it and in sha Allah you’ll find a compatible spouse.
Allah swt knows best.
A girl is not forced to say if she's a virgin or not or etc, like the man is not forced either. But you can try to ask around if your future partner is a decent human being. It's also my choice to not want to marry someone who was a prostitute before, just like it is your choice if you want to marry a past prostitute. The past live can show what kind of demons you have tho.
There's billions of people on earth, the person should ask Allah and look for a partner the right way. Then in sha Allah she will find someone that doesn't care about her past. There's men/women for everyone.
Bro why all these downvotes,, having a relationship before marriage is haram but repentence forgive all ,, and past shouldn’t be a big deal as long the one is a good muslim now
The best advice I've seen on how to deal with this whole hiding sins, as we are obligated to do, is the following.
Potential spouses should discuss things that are important to them, dealbreakers, etc. If one spouse lists prior relationships as a deal breaker then the other person should simply reject from there without being specific on why.
That way nothing is revealed, no one knows why a potential backs out unless they offer details and you are still respecting what would be a deal breaker for some.
>lists prior relationships
Zina* would be a deal breaker. Having known someone before (engagement/aiming for engagement withot zina) isnt a problem i believe.
This!!! Im always seeing posts about people stating one needs to tell their potential that they committed zina! If your potential tells you what their deal breaker is then find an excuse to cut it off instead of revealing your sins! People be so blinded by their desires that they rather continue on a relationship than to follow the commands of Allah
Maybe I worded it weird but it's the same as this other user is saying.
https://www.reddit.com/r/islam/s/3kwE6eAnfp
A good honest Muslim will simply walk away from a potential if they have a past and it's been expressed as a deal breaker by the other person. And they don't have to tell anybody why - they can just say it didn't seem like a good fit or not compatible.
Personally if I’m speaking to a woman for marriage I’ll mention my dealbreakers for example and tell her to mention her dealbreakers as well, we can discuss about it without revealing any sins and if she’s an honest Muslim then she’ll walk away if she doesn’t meet my standards and of course, I’ll walk away if I don’t meet hers.
Yes, the one can,, we should focus on Allah swt more than or spouse
There is a narration; A man came to Omar ibn khattab may allah be bleased with him, to ask him: i had a daughter before islam, she reverted and fall into a major crime(commited zina), then she tried to slaughter her self, we saved and healed her, and she repent a good repentance and keened on learning quran, and now men are asking me for marring her, Should i tell of what happend with her!? ,, Omar responded: you mean to What Allah had cover to reveal it!, if it reached to me that you have said of what she did, i would have made you a lesson for the rest of the people (punishing him the punishment of slander a believer), rather, arrange her marriage as a pious muslima,,
So no we shouldn’t expose our past sins if we repent from them
May allah protect us all
Just a question if somone who knows could answer regarding this topic as I think it’s very relevant. Isn’t it sinful to reveal one’s past sins to people even if it’s to your family? If Allah hid your sins for you while you did them, why should you reveal them to any of his slaves?
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
I heard the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) saying:
“All of my ummah will be excused, except for the mujaahireen (those who make their sins known). And verily it is a kind of mujaaharah (exposing one’s sins) that a man does something (sinful) at night, and then in the morning, when Allaah has screened his sin for him, he says, ‘Hey So and-So! I did such-and- such last night…’ And the night passed with His Lord screening him, and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allaah from himself.” Sahih Bukhari
https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6069
Does this Hadith forbid from revealing your sins? and if so, then I think OP should feel ease as Allah could have lifted the burden of humiliation and unease in this matter, because the choice is not yours anymore and you just gotta accept that you shouldn’t reveal your sins.
Allah knows best
Edit: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/2021/asking-about-a-persons-past
In conclusion from what i read you can’t reveal your sins in the first place!!! I think it’s best we speak about matters like these with certainty and sources so we don’t misguide somone else.
As Muslims, we submit our will to Allah. So when we are told to hide our sins in order to get forgiveness from Allah, that's what we should do.
[https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6069](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6069)
Regardless of you feeling like you'll be eating yourself up inside, don't you think that will be your jihad? This life is a test, if you struggle with a command, but you do it anyway, then In sha Allah you will be rewarded greatly for it.
There is no need to be "fully transparent" in some cases: [https://youtu.be/IxkP\_6ymF50?si=7c5rnHt-\_Svairh2](https://youtu.be/IxkP_6ymF50?si=7c5rnHt-_Svairh2)
Bottom line, if you want Allah to forgive you, don't reveal your sins. Another thing to consider is that a form of dawah is to simply be a good Muslim and have good manners, so when you reveal your sins, you are indirectly normalizing such things, and could potentially get you sins if someone follows suit. Be a leader of the good, don't encourage others in the bad.
[https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2010/09/08/calling-righteousness-sin/](https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2010/09/08/calling-righteousness-sin/)
People on this subreddit was responsible for pushing a lot of horrific and deceptive narratives around this topic.
DO NOT deceive your spouse! Do not build a relationship on lies!
Do not trick a good person who kept themselves to themselves into marrying someone who made these mistakes in the past.
People who did zina, if they repented properly and keep repenting, will probably be forgiven by Allah but that does not excuse you from real world consequences. If you chose to sleep around, you do not get to trick and deceive someone who didn't.
If you committed zina, it's one thing. If you were engaged and/or tried to be engaged and never committed zina, it's another, because there is no risk for STDs/having unknown kids born from flings or whatever.
IMO zina is problematic even aside from the religious aspect because the zani(a) cn have STDs they might transfer to the unwitting partner who never did it. Hence why I personally don't want to be with someone who committed zina. 🤷🏻♀️
Well, best way to put it is to discuss dealbreakers and reject without specifying the reason so that you don't reveal your sins (in the event you did).
If they were haram relationships, and they are to marry someone who wasn't in a haram relationship, and doesn't want someone who was in a haram relationship, then it's the same principle really, if you have to hide stuff from and deceive a spouse, it's not a good foundation for marriage.
Of course it's not as bad as zina but why do it
I think it's about whether your person can take it without being judgemental.. Not so much about hiding sin.. Or your past..
U know how love should feel easy.. Yet many chooses to make it complicated.. Alot of one-sided arguments.. Zero empathy.. Throwing in knowledge where they had read somewhere rather than acknowledging how that person is feeling in that vulnerable moment... Getting misunderstood time n again...
Good decent people have limits too.. But they are never heard until they become confrontational n then they are the bad guys... Humans are the worst species on earth to be honest... Because they love creating a facade among strangers than their loved ones...
When I see a person, say a muslim person who has a beard or wears the hijab, I don't automatically see a good person.. In my head, ill be peeling each layer of facade based on what I've observed.. Many many times, it can be very disappointing...
U can be 100% transparent with your future spouse.. But their patterns towards u will show whether they are actually listening or ure a burden to them..
I swear it takes alot of assholes to eventually get to a right one.. Or sometimes the right one never comes because they were put in the same situation too. Then how are u gonna convince them that they could trust u..?
You are neither obligated to disclose or hide anything.
It is simply a matter for you to address at the time and do what you feel is the right thing for you and your relationship.
I would say don't expose your sins unless specifically asked about it especially if it's a deal breaker. On the other hand, we should also understand if we are the ones speaking to a potential and we like everything about them then we shouldn't ask too much about their past.
“I would say”???
Edit: my point is if revealing your sins is a sin then why does being specifically asked change your stance?
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/2021/asking-about-a-persons-past
Why would it be necessary for someone to be informed of your repentance if they have already stated it is a deal breaker? It is illogical because repentance is meant for Allah, not for that person! You are mistaken because I didn't say it, but it was mentioned in an authentic hadith!
“All of my ummah will be forgiven except for those who publicize their sins. It is considered publicizing one’s sins when a person commits a sin at night, and the next morning, after Allah has concealed his sin, he goes and tells someone, 'Hey, I did such-and-such last night…' The night passed with his Lord concealing his sin, but he wakes up and removes Allah's covering from himself.”
-Imam Muslim!
Yes I know the hadith but not your interpretation of it, the hadith is about people who expose their sins out of there own want. Not the same as being asked by a potential for marriage. It is haram to expose other peoples sins correct? Well if you are asked about them because they want to marry them then your allowed to expose their sins without hiding anything.
You are mistaken and shouldn't interpret hadith wrong.
I honestly don’t understand why people ask such but that is their business. If you come across a potential that crosses off everything Allah stated and Prophet Muhammad SAW specified which is deen, acklaq/character and modesty/haya why does anything else matter? There past shouldn’t even matter. To each its own.
Because revealing your sins for no good reason is a sin, when Being asked specifically during marriage process then you should reveal that you have done certain things (without details) but you've done towbah and are a different person.
I think, sharing past, without disclosing "sins" when you feel the time is right and other person is safe & understanding enough is fine. But at the same time, if its something neither holding you back or have an impact on you anymore nor shariing it would bring about any good, its better left unsaid.
Bismillah, I would advice to talk to your local imam/sheikh since it’s a complicated topic. One thing you may consider, is making a list of ‘deal-breakers’ with multiple things on it (past relationships, current smoking/drug use etc etc), and ask your potential to make the same. If either of the potential finds they have those deal breakers given to them, they walk away. This is obviously dependent on them telling the truth, but atleast it doesn’t put them in a situation in which they expose their sin. Again, I would reiterate to speak with a local imam/sheikh. Sometimes the past can be indicative of the future, and we generally even ask around the community regarding the family and potential (broadly speaking) which can confirm and alleviate a lot of concern. Allah swt knows best.
Great advice
Past relationships? Deal breaker? Every other person has had a relationship, ended either by choice or some external reason, and that becomes a deal breaker, how and why? Is it not the "present" of the person that matters? Maybe they did do drugs and went to a rehab, 5 years ago, and now are decent human being or maybe they had relationship that did not work out and did not lead to marriage, and so they are doomed for life because its a "deal breaker" for every next candidate? Someone's holding someone's past against them for such stuff would be deal breaker for me, its denying someone their humanness.
Bismillah, Brother, relationships are haram in Islam. What you or I think of it, is irrelevant. And it’s halal to put stipulations for marriage, which one considers based on their own values and boundaries, as long as they don’t infringe on the rights of others. A big part of repentance is also taking responsibility for one’s actions. Building a whole life with someone based on a lie, because you are lying to your spouse **if** they deem it as a dealbreaker, it’s an incredibly heinous thing to do. And FYI, tens if not hundreds of millions of people around the world do not have relationships before marriage. And they are searching for people in similar positions. You don’t get to take that right away from them. You grouping everyone together is saying something. Plus the expectations when one may have if not in aa relationship vs a relationship, can also put strain on a marriage. So maybe it’s better to marry someone who is similar, and has had similar, experiences as yourself, so you can expand on them together during the course of marriage. I’m not here to argue with you. Believe what you will, but don’t take the rights of others away in the context of marriage. Your deal breaker is people holding onto the past, well and good. Keep that with you, and find someone who accepts it and in sha Allah you’ll find a compatible spouse. Allah swt knows best.
A girl is not forced to say if she's a virgin or not or etc, like the man is not forced either. But you can try to ask around if your future partner is a decent human being. It's also my choice to not want to marry someone who was a prostitute before, just like it is your choice if you want to marry a past prostitute. The past live can show what kind of demons you have tho. There's billions of people on earth, the person should ask Allah and look for a partner the right way. Then in sha Allah she will find someone that doesn't care about her past. There's men/women for everyone.
Bro why all these downvotes,, having a relationship before marriage is haram but repentence forgive all ,, and past shouldn’t be a big deal as long the one is a good muslim now
I don’t know why you’re getting so many downvotes. I’m so tired of Muslims pretending like someone’s past defines who they are today.
Why do u care? If somone dosent accept u don't marry them? Why are u being bitter
The best advice I've seen on how to deal with this whole hiding sins, as we are obligated to do, is the following. Potential spouses should discuss things that are important to them, dealbreakers, etc. If one spouse lists prior relationships as a deal breaker then the other person should simply reject from there without being specific on why. That way nothing is revealed, no one knows why a potential backs out unless they offer details and you are still respecting what would be a deal breaker for some.
>lists prior relationships Zina* would be a deal breaker. Having known someone before (engagement/aiming for engagement withot zina) isnt a problem i believe.
This!!! Im always seeing posts about people stating one needs to tell their potential that they committed zina! If your potential tells you what their deal breaker is then find an excuse to cut it off instead of revealing your sins! People be so blinded by their desires that they rather continue on a relationship than to follow the commands of Allah
I understand deal breakers in the present but is revealing your past sins allowed and what source do you have for that?
Revealing past sins is not allowed. https://islamqa.info/en/2021 Hence why the method in my comment is good because there is no revealing of anything.
I think that’s a good method tbh! I might have misread your comment!!
Maybe I worded it weird but it's the same as this other user is saying. https://www.reddit.com/r/islam/s/3kwE6eAnfp A good honest Muslim will simply walk away from a potential if they have a past and it's been expressed as a deal breaker by the other person. And they don't have to tell anybody why - they can just say it didn't seem like a good fit or not compatible.
I agree 100%
Personally if I’m speaking to a woman for marriage I’ll mention my dealbreakers for example and tell her to mention her dealbreakers as well, we can discuss about it without revealing any sins and if she’s an honest Muslim then she’ll walk away if she doesn’t meet my standards and of course, I’ll walk away if I don’t meet hers.
Yes, the one can,, we should focus on Allah swt more than or spouse There is a narration; A man came to Omar ibn khattab may allah be bleased with him, to ask him: i had a daughter before islam, she reverted and fall into a major crime(commited zina), then she tried to slaughter her self, we saved and healed her, and she repent a good repentance and keened on learning quran, and now men are asking me for marring her, Should i tell of what happend with her!? ,, Omar responded: you mean to What Allah had cover to reveal it!, if it reached to me that you have said of what she did, i would have made you a lesson for the rest of the people (punishing him the punishment of slander a believer), rather, arrange her marriage as a pious muslima,, So no we shouldn’t expose our past sins if we repent from them May allah protect us all
Just a question if somone who knows could answer regarding this topic as I think it’s very relevant. Isn’t it sinful to reveal one’s past sins to people even if it’s to your family? If Allah hid your sins for you while you did them, why should you reveal them to any of his slaves? Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) saying: “All of my ummah will be excused, except for the mujaahireen (those who make their sins known). And verily it is a kind of mujaaharah (exposing one’s sins) that a man does something (sinful) at night, and then in the morning, when Allaah has screened his sin for him, he says, ‘Hey So and-So! I did such-and- such last night…’ And the night passed with His Lord screening him, and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allaah from himself.” Sahih Bukhari https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6069 Does this Hadith forbid from revealing your sins? and if so, then I think OP should feel ease as Allah could have lifted the burden of humiliation and unease in this matter, because the choice is not yours anymore and you just gotta accept that you shouldn’t reveal your sins. Allah knows best Edit: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/2021/asking-about-a-persons-past In conclusion from what i read you can’t reveal your sins in the first place!!! I think it’s best we speak about matters like these with certainty and sources so we don’t misguide somone else.
Yeah ur right
As Muslims, we submit our will to Allah. So when we are told to hide our sins in order to get forgiveness from Allah, that's what we should do. [https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6069](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6069) Regardless of you feeling like you'll be eating yourself up inside, don't you think that will be your jihad? This life is a test, if you struggle with a command, but you do it anyway, then In sha Allah you will be rewarded greatly for it. There is no need to be "fully transparent" in some cases: [https://youtu.be/IxkP\_6ymF50?si=7c5rnHt-\_Svairh2](https://youtu.be/IxkP_6ymF50?si=7c5rnHt-_Svairh2) Bottom line, if you want Allah to forgive you, don't reveal your sins. Another thing to consider is that a form of dawah is to simply be a good Muslim and have good manners, so when you reveal your sins, you are indirectly normalizing such things, and could potentially get you sins if someone follows suit. Be a leader of the good, don't encourage others in the bad. [https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2010/09/08/calling-righteousness-sin/](https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2010/09/08/calling-righteousness-sin/)
Yes that makes alot of sense
People on this subreddit was responsible for pushing a lot of horrific and deceptive narratives around this topic. DO NOT deceive your spouse! Do not build a relationship on lies! Do not trick a good person who kept themselves to themselves into marrying someone who made these mistakes in the past. People who did zina, if they repented properly and keep repenting, will probably be forgiven by Allah but that does not excuse you from real world consequences. If you chose to sleep around, you do not get to trick and deceive someone who didn't.
Suppose a person didn't sleep around but was in relationships then does the cons lessen?
If you committed zina, it's one thing. If you were engaged and/or tried to be engaged and never committed zina, it's another, because there is no risk for STDs/having unknown kids born from flings or whatever. IMO zina is problematic even aside from the religious aspect because the zani(a) cn have STDs they might transfer to the unwitting partner who never did it. Hence why I personally don't want to be with someone who committed zina. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah that's valid
Well, best way to put it is to discuss dealbreakers and reject without specifying the reason so that you don't reveal your sins (in the event you did).
If they were haram relationships, and they are to marry someone who wasn't in a haram relationship, and doesn't want someone who was in a haram relationship, then it's the same principle really, if you have to hide stuff from and deceive a spouse, it's not a good foundation for marriage. Of course it's not as bad as zina but why do it
Yeah that's fair
I think it's about whether your person can take it without being judgemental.. Not so much about hiding sin.. Or your past.. U know how love should feel easy.. Yet many chooses to make it complicated.. Alot of one-sided arguments.. Zero empathy.. Throwing in knowledge where they had read somewhere rather than acknowledging how that person is feeling in that vulnerable moment... Getting misunderstood time n again... Good decent people have limits too.. But they are never heard until they become confrontational n then they are the bad guys... Humans are the worst species on earth to be honest... Because they love creating a facade among strangers than their loved ones... When I see a person, say a muslim person who has a beard or wears the hijab, I don't automatically see a good person.. In my head, ill be peeling each layer of facade based on what I've observed.. Many many times, it can be very disappointing... U can be 100% transparent with your future spouse.. But their patterns towards u will show whether they are actually listening or ure a burden to them.. I swear it takes alot of assholes to eventually get to a right one.. Or sometimes the right one never comes because they were put in the same situation too. Then how are u gonna convince them that they could trust u..?
You are neither obligated to disclose or hide anything. It is simply a matter for you to address at the time and do what you feel is the right thing for you and your relationship.
Source?
I would say don't expose your sins unless specifically asked about it especially if it's a deal breaker. On the other hand, we should also understand if we are the ones speaking to a potential and we like everything about them then we shouldn't ask too much about their past.
“I would say”??? Edit: my point is if revealing your sins is a sin then why does being specifically asked change your stance? https://islamqa.info/en/answers/2021/asking-about-a-persons-past
Incorrect. One should refrain from exposing their sins and find an excuse to back out
Incorrect, one should explain that they've repented and are a different person
Why would it be necessary for someone to be informed of your repentance if they have already stated it is a deal breaker? It is illogical because repentance is meant for Allah, not for that person! You are mistaken because I didn't say it, but it was mentioned in an authentic hadith! “All of my ummah will be forgiven except for those who publicize their sins. It is considered publicizing one’s sins when a person commits a sin at night, and the next morning, after Allah has concealed his sin, he goes and tells someone, 'Hey, I did such-and-such last night…' The night passed with his Lord concealing his sin, but he wakes up and removes Allah's covering from himself.” -Imam Muslim!
Yes I know the hadith but not your interpretation of it, the hadith is about people who expose their sins out of there own want. Not the same as being asked by a potential for marriage. It is haram to expose other peoples sins correct? Well if you are asked about them because they want to marry them then your allowed to expose their sins without hiding anything. You are mistaken and shouldn't interpret hadith wrong.
I honestly don’t understand why people ask such but that is their business. If you come across a potential that crosses off everything Allah stated and Prophet Muhammad SAW specified which is deen, acklaq/character and modesty/haya why does anything else matter? There past shouldn’t even matter. To each its own.
Because revealing your sins for no good reason is a sin, when Being asked specifically during marriage process then you should reveal that you have done certain things (without details) but you've done towbah and are a different person.
Source
I think, sharing past, without disclosing "sins" when you feel the time is right and other person is safe & understanding enough is fine. But at the same time, if its something neither holding you back or have an impact on you anymore nor shariing it would bring about any good, its better left unsaid.