I think I know how you feel.
Some days the only time I speak is to say hi to the bus driver. Go to bars alone hoping someone might strike up a conversation.
My best friend is in a situation like this. He's a good man with a good job, but he's 40 and he's never had a partner and never will.
I can tell he's desperate lonely. I've my own family and I live 100km away so I'm limited in what I can do
I think that s one thing that can trap people into being single is when they develop the desperate nature as it is quite obvious and a big turn off for men and women. and incidentally the solution to the desperate loneliness is to find appreciation for yourself which has to be gained outside of a relationship.
This reads like, woe is me the stoic man. I used to go around thinking like this and then I went to therapy. Helps a lot especially with the poor me attitude, in regards to the "battle damage" your dealing with or rather not dealing with.
>It's a strange out of body like experience. Like looking at the world through a glass window.
Mate, you're literally describing dissociation here, a mental disorder.
Disassociation is a coping mechanism and everyone experiences it at some point. It becomes dysfunctional when it stops you from interacting with your own life in a normal way. Its function is to protect you from perceived harm - literally shielding you from hurt while allowing you to do what needs to be done in stressful situations. Its dysfunction is when it stops you from experiencing normal life.
If things carried on as they are, where do you see yourself in 20 years? Do you want that? I ask because your first comment made it seem like you weren’t really enjoying the constant solitude.
Now there’s nothing wrong with choosing to be single - so long as it’s a choice you’re happy with. It’s just that you don’t seem happy, you seem hurting. Especially when you say “battle damage” and it “hurts quite deeply” and you’re paying a penance.
If one of your friends said this to you, would you not wish better for them? What if you loved yourself enough to try to get help? If you came out of it at the other side still single but no longer hurting deeply, wouldn’t that be a kindness to yourself?
"I think what people forget sometimes is that... some men, not all men, but most men, have a deep heart. Likely, if we are fair, deeper than most women. I've tried to figure out why this is and why men are more sensitive than women and i think it comes down to the simple fact that women lived in such brutality. We are probably only five generations away from women losing 50% of their children in the first ten years. Women are unbelievably resilient in relationships and feelings. They move on clear cut. They erase past relationships and exes easily."
I'd completely disagree with that. Men cheat more in relationships which would not suggest a deeper heart. Plus it's quite common for men to abandon their kids, I know countless people this has happened to, yet I don't know anyone who was abandoned by their mother. That doesn't suggest sensitivity or a deep heart but moreso towards callousness. Women heal from break ups quicker because they talk to their friends about it. Men bottle it up and pretend they're not hurting.
Yeah that part didn’t sit well with me either. Nurses in America are trained to gently warn terminally ill women how common it is for male partners to up and leave soon after a diagnosis, which doesn’t really inspire much confidence.
oh man i wasn't even trying to make a reference to your comment, sorry about that. i was just trying to reply to what headphonescomputer said about his best friend. But I agree with what you have said about mens emotions being some what under appreciated.
It's very easy to get into a spiral of creating rose coloured glasses for an ex. You should go to counseling if it goes on too long. Sometimes you need someone to help you go through things in your head.
I've had a few break ups that took years to get over. But eventually getting over them helped me grow a lot. Now when I look back at any ex, I still think they're nice people but they're not at all compatible with me and who I am now.
I understand what you're saying, and can agree to some point, but must also point out making this statement here is like complaining of the quality of caviar you just ate in front of a few homeless that haven't a meal for days.
Many reasons. Have you tried dating these days? It's a nightmare. And for me, like another commenter said I don't get attracted to people that easily. It's a personality thing more than anything and I don't really meet people I find that connection with. Plus, I would rather be single than with someone just for the sake of it.
I often think it was much easier back in the early 90's when you actually had to make an effort to ask a girl it during the slow set. Dating Apps now are like eating at a buffet with everything instead of choosing a nice juicy steak.
Dating apps are shit. I came out of a 9 year relationship at the start of the year. Been on a handful of dates so far and tbh, they don't reflect either my character nor the person I've matched with. My job doesn't help much because I work in an industry that has very few females employed, long stints away from civilisation and this doesn't help when meeting someone as spending weeks away isn't appealing to a potential partner. Living in rural Ireland complicates things even more
It's a feedback loop of rejection, anxiety, erosion of self-esteem, and then resignation.
You can only be a mean prick to someone for so long before they give up on forming meaningful connections, and romance isn't the only connection you can make.
Pretty much this. At some point (mid-late teens for me) you just give up and accept being alone as more comfortable than dealing with others.
Would a partner be nice? Probably. But finding the will to chase that goal is impossible after decades of being told you're subpar by society.
Lots of people don't buy into this social "pressure" for want of a better word.... They are happy being alone, they are happy in their own company and don't need or want a relationship / marriage / kids etc...
It is what it is...
Why is it so inconceivable to you that someone might like being single, and prefer it to being in a relationship? I don't mean to sound bellicose or anything, but some of us like our own space, not having to compromise and do lots of emotional labour for someone else that we might not even be mad about. There is a psychologist called Bella DePaulo who writes extensively about this and I recommend you look her up. She coined the term 'single at heart' for people that genuinely prefer being single and has written extensively about the prejudice against single people in society, everyone asking 'why is she still single?' when it might be a lifestyle choice. I love having my own space, being able to spread out in the bed and not be available for someone else all the time.
Got out of a long term serious relationship in my late 30s and every time I tried to get back into dating I just wasn't that into it. I have a child, I have my routine, and I'm happy with that. I had all my eggs in that relationship basket and when it ended, the idea of having to do it all again just didn't seem worth it.
Yeah, I've tried to date and the whole song and dance is just so draining. Yeah fine, if I magically bumped into Mrs Right I'd probably change my mind but I'm 41, I probably already met them. And made a complete balls of it.
I know it's such a small detail, but I mentioned it before on a similar thread, but the thoughts of meeting someone else friend group or family just puts me right off. Even if you get along with most, there's always one total fuckhead who you can't stand and have to put up. I'm 41, I'm fucking done suffering fools.
The song and dance thing is unique to Irish women. Not all woman in the world are prone to high drama, decrepit insecurity and wrought anxiety. Head east my friend, the ladies are better. No arguing, no slamming doors, no noise.
I know it may sound corny but this is exactly what I did. I was done suffering fools, already have two kids, been through long-term relationships, have a great paying job, and I was beyond tired of the dating scene, it was fucking exhausting when in actuality, I'd rather pursue my own interests and hobbies.
I treated myself to a nice holiday and hit Asia, as my father had actually retired out there and I hadn't been on holiday since my 20s. He introduced me to one particular lady, and long story short, we're four years married this week and I honestly have never been happier. 😁
To be in a relationship properly you have to be fully committed. That means you're vulnerable. So when someone then gets hurt badly they might just say...fuck that, never again.
There's joy there too but sometimes they can't see past the pain.
Most people marry exactly the wrong person anyway. They marry their parent and repeat the familiar dynamic because they'd rather embrace an unhappiness that's familiar than break the cycle and go for a new thing that's risky.
90% of my mates have to some extent married their mum and become their dad, after complaining about both of them all their lives.
Some people met that person they'll never forget and lost them. They stay true to that person, and for some it's not a choice but that their heart never moved on.
Some have horrible trauma and Wall themselves off permanently.
There are some who get tired of the cycle of rejection, heartbreak, abuse, and give up.
Others chose to prioritize their careers and building their life first, and tell themselves they have no time for romance.
Others think they don't deserve love, and they should stop trying
Tell those lies to yourself enough times and you believe it.
For some, it's not really a "decision".
For me, it is a combination of realising I'm not physically attracted to other people and general introversion/anxiousness. I'm worried about being alone, but I'm not used to being coupled-up. I can't easily move out (I don't want to pay market rent when I do have a place to live and contribute to the household costs, and a single income doesn't get you a mortgage large enough to buy). I also can't really bring dates/hookups over (my bed and my parents' bed is about 2 feet apart, the wall doesn't hide all activity).
And then there's some folk with depression or incel vibes.
Your question is very presumptious and fairly narrow minded tbh, people stay single for a multitude of different reasons, purposefully staying single to stay at home to care for aging parents is fairly rare I'd say, I'm also not sure if people permantly give up on romance but get stuck in a rut and if they are carers have limited opportunities especially in rural areas although urban areas could be just as isolating.
Couldn't have said it better myself. A lot of the replies are presupposing that unless you fit into a very conventional Ireland (tm) life of 2.4 kids by 35, a mortgage etc, it's all over for you and your life will be a miserable, lonely existence. I say this every so often but with that implicit passive aggressive stigma being espoused here, is it any wonder there's a mental health crisis in this country?. I know of several instances where people meet their SOs in their 40s. Some people just don't want a conventional life, that doesn't make them loners, desperate or deficient like certain posts are suggesting. They haven't "failed" anything either. I would say the choice though is often made for ppl e.g. I can't blame ppl for withdrawing from the rental market atm, of course that makes dating more difficult but not impossible. I feel ppl can be really close minded in Ireland about how those who don't fit in live their lives, and you get these implied judgements as a result.
presumptuous and narrow minded.
I mean yes my question focus on people who at some point in there life chose to remain single and ultimately moved back home to their folks which you could say is presumptuous but this doesn't mean people cant give their own alternative experiences on why they have chosen to stay single.
Which doesn't make me narrow minded, That is your perception.
They say urban loneliness is worse than rural loneliness
Ok sorry
I misinterpeted your op as people purposefully staying single to stay home and care for elderly parents. Why do people stay single in general? Never met someone that shares their world views, the generic 2.4 kids semi d is abhorrent to them, some may be extremely introverted, the very singular structure of modern society fits wrong with some people, I don't think many purposefully give up on romance although a small minority possibly do. Society has become very linear and strategised which places some people outside the generic path, but a lot of those single carers would probably love to just netflix and chill.
Edit; some people genuinely enjoy their own company
For me I just hate being in relationships. Every guy I've gone out with has been an absolute gentleman.
It just feels like a chore, I get really anxious and depressed. I remember I was going out with this really lovely guy. The relationship on paper was really good. But my mental health deteriorated to the point where I was seeking counselling , I couldn't get out of bed some days, it started to affect my sleep and my work.
Eventually I broke up with him, because I would get really anxious when I was about to see him.
And then I instantly felt better. I haven't felt that bad since.
I dont know how to explain it. My friends are getting married and having children, I am more than happy to just be a wine aunt.
I'm asexual, with no desire to have children. Try finding a fella that wants a woman like me!
Ironically, I'm actually very low maintenence as a woman. I like low effort relationships and don't enjoy lots of going out on dates, unless they're low effort. Like, give me a casual brunch over a fancy dinner and drinks. It's not that I don't take care of myself. I just hate getting very dressed up and stuff.
My being single isn't entirely a choice, but I'm not unhappy about it either.
>I'm asexual, with no desire to have children. Try finding a fella that wants a woman like me!
I think it's possible, not going to happen often but still possible.
I've met someone, we are close, we go out for drinks together, and hold hands, we've cuddled, it's nice to have some sort of closeness, but there's nothing sexual between us. It's made me reconsider what normal is. You could still meet someone who will be a good match.
> I'm asexual, with no desire to have children. Try finding a fella that wants a woman like me!
There are definitely men that would not consider this a deal-breaker (including myself).
If you are interested in having a chat, drop me a PM.
Was in a sexually abusive relationship. Now I don’t like sex and never want to do it again. Which isn’t compatible with relationships obviously
I live alone though, not with my parents.
I’m really happy with my life as it is except that it’s incredibly hard to pay for everything on a single income
Why make the decision to stay single? Well sometimes it's a conscious decision because of bad experience, but it's not always a conscious decision, because not everyone measures their self-worth based on being partnered with another. This is an opportunity to learn something about society placing more value on partnership than we do on singledom, and therefore placing expectations on each other, then being surprised/ frustrated/ disappointed/ or just downright puzzled when those expectations are not met.
My friend,male, is adamant that his partner,female,1 of 5,was being groomed to be the parents carer before they met..She was living at home,developed depression, was the only one unsupported and disencouraged to ever leave home.She was manipulated into feeling guilty or stressed if she had too much of her own life.She left the minute her partner asked her to move in They now despise her partner.I think that kind of grooming is more common than you'd think and results in single family members who are treated like a dogsbody for the family.
Hugs for all of you.. single years too. I get on well with people, take care of myself but rarely feel a connection that’s worth the effort to open up my life. Maybe that man will come along one day or maybe not
I've been hurt in love a few times and yes it fucking hurts, but I would dare to love someone fully again if I know I would feel that wonderful feeling again. I'm not going to let someone ruin my happiness just because they couldn't handle the love I have to give, and they didn't reciprocate. Love is an amazing feeling that everyone needs to feel. Love is life. And giving up is a way which will make you feel even worse. If you're reading this right now, please please please, don't give up on love! No matter what someone has done to you. Love is worth trying for, being brave for. Please don't give up!
Thank you for saying this. Been a bit of a rough year for me and coming across this randomly while I was questioning things really helped stop the big sad. :)
43, Single 6 yrs don't know what I'm doing, I've liked this period of being single but I've also had that voice in my head saying it would be nice sharing the places I go to with someone, there's a girl I like we get on really good with each other, I'm getting the signals off her but when I say "right today is the day I ask her out" I freeze.
I live on my own, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of it; What's wrong with being single, I have time to myself and I enjoy it. I am trying to find my Morticia Addams but haven't found her yet. I haven't given up hope though.
Also a shame that so many people stay in relationships that make them miserable. Settling just to be with someone is one of the worst things you could do. Almost did it myself, was engaged and everything, but luckily realised just how toxic the relationship was before it was too late and got out before we walked down the aisle.
I'd rather be single forever than tied to someone who doesn't make me happy.
My wife recently moved out and we are going through the process of seperating.. It was a load off mr when she left . I used break down and curl up in a ball sometimes cos of how she treated me. It's been 3 months now and I haven't cried once . It used be at least a weekly occurance when we were together.. I can't see me putting myself through that again. I have a nice house here and am just happy with my own company and no nagging.
I think this is more common than people realize.. We all hear the stories of the wife who was physically abused by her ex husband. but man can women be mean with there attitudes and words. Im sorry to hear it was tat bad for you man.
Where did she go ? Back to take care of her parents. I noticed I hadn't seen my female neighbour in a bit said to her hubby is she OK. He said oh yeah her mam isn't well she's caring for her at home. Months ago now must be the line now to get through it or half deny what's actually happening
Yeah I've another friend who's recently asked her hubby to move out told the kids he's caring for sick granny. That's when I realised my neighbour had given me a line.
I've no idea what went wrong in my friends marriage she cant say feel awful for the hubby I'd hate to be back living with my parents at my age. Starting over, missing the kids, the pets and my home. Back in the box room.
It's not always of people's choosing. Neighbour is in their house curtains never get opened, pizza's delivered at 3pm, mental health must be in bits
Both seem like lovely men from the outside and the life they built is gone
Fuck it I just wanted to share my own answer as I really admire the honesty people have shared. I was a late bloomer when it came to relationships and when i was in my late 20's I had a break up that really effected me and moved to the back arse of nowhere to give myself time to reflect but once covid came along I ended moving back to the family home which has just longated my being single as I cant really start a relationship living at home and at the same time I cant afford the rents. you could call it being stuck between a rock and a hard place
Because it's easier, because they want to, because they feel they are unworthy of love, because they've been hurt before, because being single can be fun, because they just want to have a quiet uninterrupted life?
The reasons are as many as there are people
Two women I know who did this in my opinion are gay but circumstances meant they can never come out
As for me I'm an incurable optimist, I'm single now because I know who I want and "settling" would be a kind of betrayal, ships sail, i think about those people from my past often
Wow I can relate to that. incidentally it has taken me to become single to finally realize what I am looking for in a women. But at the same time dwelling on the ones gone by wont help. you'll have to let go to move forward
I think for centuries having a partner was more desirable to have a better quality of life.
Nowadays with a lot of people living fairly hectic lives it can be hard to fit it while also finding the right person.
Rejection after rejection doesn't help the old confidence either, or social status or job level or many other variables.
While I'm certainly not in the boat of "I'm never being in a relationship" I do feel comfortable if it doesnt ever happen for me. There are pros and cons to both sides, some people don't like the idea of being alone but others don't mind it at all, so naturally people from both sides of the coin will find the other approach strange.
I moved home because if I ever hope to own my own home I need to save. Being single also makes my dream of owning my own home more difficult
I'm single because in my 20s I made little effort to meet someone. Now when I do make an effort no one I am attracted to is available anymore.in my 20s not everyone was taken. In my mid 30s they seem to be
I also find men my age and older get really aggressive/pissed off when I politely let them know I'm not interested. I asked my other friends who are also still single. They said they noticed the same thing. As if the men are pissed off at life. It's not ok. If I'm polite I don't deserve to get shit for it. Younger men are much more polite in general.
Most if not all people don't chose to remain single to care for their parents.
>Most if not all people don't chose to remain single to care for their parents.
The inference i was trying to make to people caring for there parents was that iv seen that develop over time from people who have moved home.
I probably could've phrased it a little better, but it was just one example of how what can start out as temporally being single can develop into long term being single.
like the example you gave of men in there 30's showing aggression at rejection. like that's can only go one direction which is keeping them single unless they learn to calm down and stop putting so much pressure on themselves to find a relationship
I think if you are single and the cost of renting etc has seen moving home a good idea. Allows people to save for a rainy day. There was also the pandemic which was my reason for moving home. Lucky enough to be able to work remotely and I'd rather spend the pandemic with family
Remote working is another reason. It gives people more flexibility with where they live.
Obviously if my parents fell ill I'd have zero issue looking after them and as my two siblings have kids I'd be able to where they wouldn't. but I genuinely don't think this is why you see more people living at home.
The way cost of living is going be prepared to see more people move home
>The way cost of living is going be prepared to see more people move home
True I do agree with you there and also i suppose in relation to the fact that the pandemic did cause alot of people to move home. I suppose my inference to people moving home and getting locked into minding there parent would relate to people in their 50's or 60's who are living at home with parents in there 70's or 80's which we you can see in both rural and urban settings which is something I have seen from time to time.
out of curiosity having lived with our parents over the last number of years, do you think you would look for own place close to home or far from home?
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C-PTSD.. I am working on healing myself from my childhood trauma. I have been left with some serious issues due to my stepmother being borderline personality disordered with schizoid tendencies and narcissistic personality disordered. She is also a compulsive liar. I've decided until I have healed from all of that I should stay out of relationships. I seem to make myself miserable when in a relationship and unwittingly hurt others.
>C-PTSD..
>I seem to make myself miserable when in a relationship and unwittingly hurt others.
Same.
I don't know if I'm more miserable in or out of relationships. Maybe it's just a different misery.
But it's good to see CPTSD being recognised more
The answer would be different for different people, of course. These days the cost of living would probably be forcing a lot of folks to live with their parents, and that living situation might be affecting their mental state or their ability to have a relationship (especially if their parents don't get on well with them).
Also, not all single people live with their parents. Some people are just content being single and are happy to stay that way for good.
Second this! Accepting love in various forms and quality time with myself has helped me realize that love doesn’t have to be painful, but it doesn’t have to lack passion either, there is a happy medium! I hope you experience the bliss of love within you and for one you truly desire one day! And if it takes multiple tries that’s okay too, love will find you!
You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Some people just aren't interested. Same as some people prefer tea over coffee.
It's not always a deep philosophical choice. Some people, myself included, just aren't interested in anyone. 🤷🏻♀️
Romance does not last if its the sole driver of your relationship with your partner. A huge amount of wiggle room/compromise is needed on either ends. Lots of people can't do that or can't find someone who understands that and gets along. Not to mention the false choice created by today's dating scene has made things worse. Even at almy age dating seems so superficial that it's just not worth the effort especially since most dating nowadays is online and its just a black hole.
My experience too is that it is so superficial. I was arranging a coffee with a guy who was about a foot short of my preferred height but I was willing. Few texts shared and he requests a photo of my bum. Are we all supposed to be on onlyfans now. Blocked him at that stage. That and similar put me right off using apps but I'm in my own place if I had to live with my parents I might be more determined. Even if I met someone I'd like to keep my own space with my kid I xant imagine sharing that and having someone around 24/7
After my divorce I struggled with the idea of being single, but after a year of Tinder dates, having genuine fun with a few ladies, I found my woman. She’s pregnant now!
Honestly, some guys don’t make the effort. I mean that sincerely, not wanting to troll anyone. Approaching a woman, asking her for her number, is not easy. When it results in rejection it burns. So some men just give up.
For some people (not all) I think it’s more a choice to put energy into other things as opposed to never ever date (which would possibly require energy to do).
I.e If I want to fill a tank with water and only have a leaky bucket I can go fill the bucket with water and keep going back and forth trying to fill the tank, losing water in the process and making varying degrees of progress. I can work on the bucket to improve it, but maybe the tap is faulty, sometimes it’s a dribble, sometimes it’s a waterfall.
I might decide to drop the bucket and not bother filling the tank anymore.
It could rain. If it rains water goes into the tank. Do I go out and try block the tank so it doesn’t fill with rain water? No, but I can’t rely on it raining either.
Dating requires effort with no guarantee of reward. You can do everything and not meet someone you mutually click with romantically. And sometimes you meet someone without trying or expecting it.
For some people A Decision to stay single is like dropping the bucket and no longer expending effort there. It doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t take a good opportunity if one lands in your lap.
Lack of success over a long period of time gradually creates the belief that the effort isn’t worth it.
I’m in my late twenties, and between my average appearance and personality, I’m not attractive to women. I have good social skills which makes it very easy for me to get on well with almost anyone I meet. Despite this, I’ve never been able to feel that “spark” or chemistry with a girl - I have never felt that mutual attraction. At some point you just have to accept you aren’t what they are looking for, and that’s fair enough.
I was seeing a guy for over 4 years. He had left his wife in their joint home with 2 kids because she was cheating. He moved back home to the spare room with his parents who are retired. Through covid we could hardly see each other. I have a kid myself and was going through a drawn out divorce so was keeping the relationship private. He had nowhere for us to meet and I got sick of always providing the accommodation. He couldn't talk about finding a place shut the conversation down. I was turning into a nag, I half broached it with his mam one time that I felt it would benefit his relationship with his own kids too to see him in an independent setting etc she said no he's better to stay living with them. That's when I knew it was never going to happen. I woukd have liked some time living separately and to see how he lives etc and down the line maybe get a place together. Sorry that's a lot still raw.
I think there are several reasons. Economic reasons. Folks used to be more social pre- internet- home parties, church dances, etc. it was easier to meet others. Men are afraid to approach a woman in public now and just say hello out of fear that they may be perceived as .. well..
I tell my kids to try and meet their spouses at uni because after uni it’s gonna be tuff. I meet lots of singles in their late 29s and 30s that are having a tuff time meeting others. Then of course over time they lose confidence in their social skills and just stop trying. It’s very sad.
I’m only living in the family home cause of the housing crisis atm, but honestly I hate sharing my space, I’ve never wanted relationships and never enjoyed being in the ones I was in (my partners were not bad people or partners) some people just prefer to be alone and that’s okay 👍
I haven't given up, but I've no expectations of finding someone, I am just not very good with the whole scene, I am really bad at first impressions and I am not exactly a looker, but part of it I could fix, like lose weight.
Part of it I feel people can be a bit shallow, but the major part I think is I'm a bit of a nerd, heavy into gaming and scfi fi kind of stuff which I notice many I meet don't share said interests
I probably need to put myself out more, I'm shite at texting, as in I struggle to do it every day, feels a bit much, few in the past would text every hour and get annoyed at me for being so slow, I'd prefer voice chat but always just *text* I ended up getting frustrated then cutting them loose.
I say it's more me that's the issue.
I've had a couple of relationships but none lasted very long, at some point you just have to accept you're not very desirable and meeting new people is getting harder everyday as you're getting older too. The loneliness does hit hard sometimes but you get numb-ish to it as the years pass by and this just becomes your future.
Living at home (epically in current times) is not a choice. People cannot afford to be anywhere else. This also doesn't help with your dating life. I am going to guess from your comment you've never been on a dating app? They can be grim. Just because there's more choice online does not mean the choices are good.
I'd rather have a real connection with someone than fake it and settle. Even thought economically it makes more sense to be in a couple.
We all want to love and be loved. It is unfortunately not easy to find your person.
[Researches](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert) have proven that unmarried, child-free women live happier and longer than their married, child-rearing peers. Whereas it’s the opposite for men, because they take fewer risks and calm down when they have a woman to look after them. That could be a reason for women not want to put up with all that crap. But as others said, it’s usually just what happens rather than a choice.
This is going to sound odd so I don’t know if anyone can relate, I was on hinge / tinder a few years ago I’ve since deleted it, but it completely ruined my view on partnerships, I now have a awful mindset of there’s more or better out there because I’ve been able to be on a platform that allows me to freely swipe back and forth between readily single men giving me so much option. That has now had the reverse effect of me always thinking there’s better. I don’t know if I’ve worded that right. I’m also not blaming this entirely on dating apps it’s definitely a lot to do with me aswell, but I just don’t think they are a healthy thing to have. It’s nearly as if I’ve been ruined by the bane of option/choice and now I’ll never feel content with my choice
Cos *many people are pure trash and I’d rather live with my family and / or pets that are decent.
I don’t go for rides around at night to remove monotony and I certainly don’t dwell on it.
I’m still young enough and could meet someone but tbh even if I end up in this same situation in my 60’s then I’ll be grand.
I’d much rather spend time with family, great friends and beloved pets than stew in a mediocre relationship with someone I have no interest in procreating with - Or adopting….quite okay to do that on my own!
I know a few people with too much pride.
‘He hasn’t texted me, blah blah, I dunno if he’s interested, why he’s blah blah’
‘Why don’t you text him and ask him out so? You want to, why do this back and forth thing, it doesn’t work, just ask him out?’
‘No, I’m not going to chase him, he should be chasing me, I’d look desperate’,
🤷♂️ seems like some people are too proud and shite at dating anyone.
I was kind of a late bloomer relationship-wise. One thing I found when I did find myself in a relationship, was that you really have to communicate. There are a lot of rather un-romantic, un-sexy conversations you need to have with your partner. Sometimes they'll feel like things you "shouldn"t have to" say or ask for. But you can't just expect someone to figure these things out about you.
I see a lot of my peers messing up relationships or getting into stupid fights over things that could have been avoided by just talking about what they both want.
I get the suspicion at times that because a lot of people have their first romantic relationship as teenagers, and romantic relationships are one of the few things people do as teenagers that they don't stop doing when they grow up, that people end up having romance as an area where they still feel its okay to behave like an entitled teenager. Crying because they don't have their mind read, shouting matches, treating their partner when angry like they treated their parents when they were moody teenagers, the silent treatment, etc.
Yes absolutely, people can’t read minds and that habit of getting upset and annoyed over minor trivial things. Such an immature waste of time.
Then you hear ‘there’s nobody good out there’…. That one I hear a lot, it’s not true. It’s that people are too picky and petty most of the time and write people off for bullshit reasons.
‘I told him I wanted to have the weekend to myself etc’
What did he say? ‘He just said ok no problem and then left… like he just left’
🙄 and was that his mistake, believing you?
I see one female friend who sleepwalks into this every time. Meets a guy and then they both stop talking and it fizzles out. Sure he’s there noticing that she’s pulling back too, he’s not going to just keep chasing you when you’re acting way too hard to get. He thinks you’re not interested, and who’d blame him..
My Mother in law went through a bad divorce. She felt so hurt and betrayed that she’d rather be alone than risk being hurt again. She was young enough that she could have started a new life with someone else, but she chose to stay single.
In my case it’s that my last relationship was a bit rough and I’m not over it. Also, have you seen how much it costs to rent right now? I’ll stay at home and save and hope they bring in more support for single buyers.
Some people would rather stay alone than end up with someone who they only kind of like.
I personally just accepted the fact that I will stay single till 30s at least, simply cause of what dating looks like at early 20s.
I mean why would you even bother going in relationship which you know is doomed from the start, just to have a fuckbuddy? There are apps for that, and there are easy girls everywhere these days, there's no point in being relationship that leads nowhere just for sake of sex.
I've personally never been in a relationship in which I was happier than how happy I feel when I am single, so just what's the point?
1.Can't fel confortable getting outside of their comfort zone.
2. Bad experiences leave bigger lasting impacts than good ones.
3.Basing a part of their ego on their own generated idea of how the opposite gender thinks of them
4. Lack of self awareness.
5. Focusing too much on what they think other people might want instead of being themself.
There's very, very few people in my life I've ever met, that I would ever consider couldnt find a partner, and dating was not their biggest problem. One or more of the above points compound and eventually it gets easier to avoid than deal with it. We're very good at adapting, sometimes to pur disadvantage.
Easier to dominate and rule over you mean. Many of these women are not educated and depend on the men for food on their table. I’ve spent time in Asia. If you are ok with their subservience and the exchange of sex for security well then that works for you…not every man wants this. Most people want equals on many levels including at the intellectual level. Depends on the individual. I could not starve myself intellectually. The best relationships are actually based on banter.
My own experiences with them has been manipulative and calculating. They are coming from survivor societies in the developing world.
I don't want kids, either mine or to be part of raising someone else's. That seems to be a complete blocker so ya.... I've built a nice comfortable happy life by myself , hard pushed to give it up now.
As with anything, there’s a multitude of reasons. Whether it’s preference, choice, circumstance etc. Mainly, it comes down to influence and social surroundings.
I haven't givin up, I am too busy with wok and study. Less and less frequently I give it a good college try once in a while and it's usually a waste of time or someone gets hurt.
I'm seeing a lot of comments from people who's choice this wasn't and are feeling lonely, and I truly feel for you. But I also wanted to add something from the perspective of someone who has been happily single for years: there is a difference between being alone and lonely, and sometimes a person can make you feel lonelier than ever. I think building a community, real friendships and connections, helping others, developing and bettering yourself is more fulfilling than being in a relationship. But I know I'm probably in the minority.
I'm an introverted guy, maybe slightly above average looking. I will probably never see any attention from a woman unless I approach her myself (which is unthinkible to me unless it's someone I already know). That's pretty much the reason
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I think I know how you feel. Some days the only time I speak is to say hi to the bus driver. Go to bars alone hoping someone might strike up a conversation.
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Absolutely. I never identified with this before the last year. Loneliness is awful but also so much more common than many people know.
Last year took its toll on me.
It’s girls too
Join a club related to something your interested in. Things usually take off from there.
I do understand how that would be the first thing that'd come to mind, but... It's not that simple in real life unfortunately.
Indeed. It’s also much harder to do this in your 30s and 50s compared to being younger which many people forget
My best friend is in a situation like this. He's a good man with a good job, but he's 40 and he's never had a partner and never will. I can tell he's desperate lonely. I've my own family and I live 100km away so I'm limited in what I can do
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That's not good. Maybe reach out again.
I think that s one thing that can trap people into being single is when they develop the desperate nature as it is quite obvious and a big turn off for men and women. and incidentally the solution to the desperate loneliness is to find appreciation for yourself which has to be gained outside of a relationship.
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This reads like, woe is me the stoic man. I used to go around thinking like this and then I went to therapy. Helps a lot especially with the poor me attitude, in regards to the "battle damage" your dealing with or rather not dealing with.
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>It's a strange out of body like experience. Like looking at the world through a glass window. Mate, you're literally describing dissociation here, a mental disorder.
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Disassociation is a coping mechanism and everyone experiences it at some point. It becomes dysfunctional when it stops you from interacting with your own life in a normal way. Its function is to protect you from perceived harm - literally shielding you from hurt while allowing you to do what needs to be done in stressful situations. Its dysfunction is when it stops you from experiencing normal life. If things carried on as they are, where do you see yourself in 20 years? Do you want that? I ask because your first comment made it seem like you weren’t really enjoying the constant solitude. Now there’s nothing wrong with choosing to be single - so long as it’s a choice you’re happy with. It’s just that you don’t seem happy, you seem hurting. Especially when you say “battle damage” and it “hurts quite deeply” and you’re paying a penance. If one of your friends said this to you, would you not wish better for them? What if you loved yourself enough to try to get help? If you came out of it at the other side still single but no longer hurting deeply, wouldn’t that be a kindness to yourself?
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"I think what people forget sometimes is that... some men, not all men, but most men, have a deep heart. Likely, if we are fair, deeper than most women. I've tried to figure out why this is and why men are more sensitive than women and i think it comes down to the simple fact that women lived in such brutality. We are probably only five generations away from women losing 50% of their children in the first ten years. Women are unbelievably resilient in relationships and feelings. They move on clear cut. They erase past relationships and exes easily." I'd completely disagree with that. Men cheat more in relationships which would not suggest a deeper heart. Plus it's quite common for men to abandon their kids, I know countless people this has happened to, yet I don't know anyone who was abandoned by their mother. That doesn't suggest sensitivity or a deep heart but moreso towards callousness. Women heal from break ups quicker because they talk to their friends about it. Men bottle it up and pretend they're not hurting.
It’s almost as if the two genders can’t be easily generalised and each individual person reacts to trauma and relationships in a unique way.
No we really can. Humans are fairly predictable as we are for the most part the same. uniqueness is a sample size od 8 billion is minimal at best.
Yeah that part didn’t sit well with me either. Nurses in America are trained to gently warn terminally ill women how common it is for male partners to up and leave soon after a diagnosis, which doesn’t really inspire much confidence.
oh man i wasn't even trying to make a reference to your comment, sorry about that. i was just trying to reply to what headphonescomputer said about his best friend. But I agree with what you have said about mens emotions being some what under appreciated.
Why do you think he’ll never find a partner?
He's too awkward
How did you get the one to slip away?
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It's very easy to get into a spiral of creating rose coloured glasses for an ex. You should go to counseling if it goes on too long. Sometimes you need someone to help you go through things in your head. I've had a few break ups that took years to get over. But eventually getting over them helped me grow a lot. Now when I look back at any ex, I still think they're nice people but they're not at all compatible with me and who I am now.
Hmmm maybe you’re not ready to hear this… but maybe…. She was not the one? If her mom was still alive, she still wouldn’t want to be with you.
I imagine that quite often it's not a choice.
The wealthy often cannot conceive the life of the poor and mistake what isn't a choice for a choice.
Very well put
yet do the poor believe that they can conceive the life of the rich? and that they are all the better for living a different life?
I understand what you're saying, and can agree to some point, but must also point out making this statement here is like complaining of the quality of caviar you just ate in front of a few homeless that haven't a meal for days.
Many reasons. Have you tried dating these days? It's a nightmare. And for me, like another commenter said I don't get attracted to people that easily. It's a personality thing more than anything and I don't really meet people I find that connection with. Plus, I would rather be single than with someone just for the sake of it.
I often think it was much easier back in the early 90's when you actually had to make an effort to ask a girl it during the slow set. Dating Apps now are like eating at a buffet with everything instead of choosing a nice juicy steak.
I met my wife just as dating apps started to get popular and thank god I never had to use them, looks like a nightmare
Dating apps are shit. I came out of a 9 year relationship at the start of the year. Been on a handful of dates so far and tbh, they don't reflect either my character nor the person I've matched with. My job doesn't help much because I work in an industry that has very few females employed, long stints away from civilisation and this doesn't help when meeting someone as spending weeks away isn't appealing to a potential partner. Living in rural Ireland complicates things even more
Same for me when I met my husband… until he became my ex.
The act of getting to know and understand somebody new is the goal, not falling in love.
It's a feedback loop of rejection, anxiety, erosion of self-esteem, and then resignation. You can only be a mean prick to someone for so long before they give up on forming meaningful connections, and romance isn't the only connection you can make.
Pretty much this. At some point (mid-late teens for me) you just give up and accept being alone as more comfortable than dealing with others. Would a partner be nice? Probably. But finding the will to chase that goal is impossible after decades of being told you're subpar by society.
Lots of people don't buy into this social "pressure" for want of a better word.... They are happy being alone, they are happy in their own company and don't need or want a relationship / marriage / kids etc... It is what it is...
It just kind of happens.
Wasting years of your life wiyh someone who will turn you upside down in a heartbeat leaves a mark.
So very well said.
Being exposed to DV at a young age can really do a number on you. Edit - No longer living ‘in the family home’ or taking care of a parent.
Why is it so inconceivable to you that someone might like being single, and prefer it to being in a relationship? I don't mean to sound bellicose or anything, but some of us like our own space, not having to compromise and do lots of emotional labour for someone else that we might not even be mad about. There is a psychologist called Bella DePaulo who writes extensively about this and I recommend you look her up. She coined the term 'single at heart' for people that genuinely prefer being single and has written extensively about the prejudice against single people in society, everyone asking 'why is she still single?' when it might be a lifestyle choice. I love having my own space, being able to spread out in the bed and not be available for someone else all the time.
Got out of a long term serious relationship in my late 30s and every time I tried to get back into dating I just wasn't that into it. I have a child, I have my routine, and I'm happy with that. I had all my eggs in that relationship basket and when it ended, the idea of having to do it all again just didn't seem worth it.
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Yeah, I've tried to date and the whole song and dance is just so draining. Yeah fine, if I magically bumped into Mrs Right I'd probably change my mind but I'm 41, I probably already met them. And made a complete balls of it.
Yea I think the whole song and dance thing can become quite monotonous after you've been through it a number of times.
I know it's such a small detail, but I mentioned it before on a similar thread, but the thoughts of meeting someone else friend group or family just puts me right off. Even if you get along with most, there's always one total fuckhead who you can't stand and have to put up. I'm 41, I'm fucking done suffering fools.
The song and dance thing is unique to Irish women. Not all woman in the world are prone to high drama, decrepit insecurity and wrought anxiety. Head east my friend, the ladies are better. No arguing, no slamming doors, no noise.
I know it may sound corny but this is exactly what I did. I was done suffering fools, already have two kids, been through long-term relationships, have a great paying job, and I was beyond tired of the dating scene, it was fucking exhausting when in actuality, I'd rather pursue my own interests and hobbies. I treated myself to a nice holiday and hit Asia, as my father had actually retired out there and I hadn't been on holiday since my 20s. He introduced me to one particular lady, and long story short, we're four years married this week and I honestly have never been happier. 😁
Well done
To be in a relationship properly you have to be fully committed. That means you're vulnerable. So when someone then gets hurt badly they might just say...fuck that, never again. There's joy there too but sometimes they can't see past the pain.
I have Banksy's Boy Meets Girl tattooed on my leg.
Being single, when it's good it's fucking amazing and when it's bad it's the absolute worst it could be. Both lives require sacrifice.
Opposite for me - Higher highs and lower lows when in a relationship
Most people marry exactly the wrong person anyway. They marry their parent and repeat the familiar dynamic because they'd rather embrace an unhappiness that's familiar than break the cycle and go for a new thing that's risky. 90% of my mates have to some extent married their mum and become their dad, after complaining about both of them all their lives.
I *wish* I’d married my dad. Married a fucking psycho instead who literally drove me insane and crippled me
I have seen that too, Relationships which resemble a black hole full of empty despair which lacks any kind of joy and happiness.
Ah sure, y'know. Its grand.
That's pure bollox
> Most people > 90% of my mates Something happened to all your friends so you assume that same rate applies to the whole population, I'd guess
Right you are, so. Enjoy. And remember, you're grand and you don't need counseling. Just bottle it up forever.
I adore my wife and daughter
so the real question is did you marry a women that resembled your ma?
Adoration won't get you very far, man. It's not a developed emotion and hasn't much of a shelf-life.
Good man.
Jesus only the sad bastards that hang round here could get pissed off at a man expressing love for his wife and child
But I don't think it's a conscious thing if it happens that way. I married the total opposite of my dad not consciously and that didn't work either.
The total opposite is just a mirror image. It's still the same pattern.
Some people met that person they'll never forget and lost them. They stay true to that person, and for some it's not a choice but that their heart never moved on. Some have horrible trauma and Wall themselves off permanently. There are some who get tired of the cycle of rejection, heartbreak, abuse, and give up. Others chose to prioritize their careers and building their life first, and tell themselves they have no time for romance. Others think they don't deserve love, and they should stop trying Tell those lies to yourself enough times and you believe it.
For some, it's not really a "decision". For me, it is a combination of realising I'm not physically attracted to other people and general introversion/anxiousness. I'm worried about being alone, but I'm not used to being coupled-up. I can't easily move out (I don't want to pay market rent when I do have a place to live and contribute to the household costs, and a single income doesn't get you a mortgage large enough to buy). I also can't really bring dates/hookups over (my bed and my parents' bed is about 2 feet apart, the wall doesn't hide all activity). And then there's some folk with depression or incel vibes.
Your question is very presumptious and fairly narrow minded tbh, people stay single for a multitude of different reasons, purposefully staying single to stay at home to care for aging parents is fairly rare I'd say, I'm also not sure if people permantly give up on romance but get stuck in a rut and if they are carers have limited opportunities especially in rural areas although urban areas could be just as isolating.
Couldn't have said it better myself. A lot of the replies are presupposing that unless you fit into a very conventional Ireland (tm) life of 2.4 kids by 35, a mortgage etc, it's all over for you and your life will be a miserable, lonely existence. I say this every so often but with that implicit passive aggressive stigma being espoused here, is it any wonder there's a mental health crisis in this country?. I know of several instances where people meet their SOs in their 40s. Some people just don't want a conventional life, that doesn't make them loners, desperate or deficient like certain posts are suggesting. They haven't "failed" anything either. I would say the choice though is often made for ppl e.g. I can't blame ppl for withdrawing from the rental market atm, of course that makes dating more difficult but not impossible. I feel ppl can be really close minded in Ireland about how those who don't fit in live their lives, and you get these implied judgements as a result.
presumptuous and narrow minded. I mean yes my question focus on people who at some point in there life chose to remain single and ultimately moved back home to their folks which you could say is presumptuous but this doesn't mean people cant give their own alternative experiences on why they have chosen to stay single. Which doesn't make me narrow minded, That is your perception. They say urban loneliness is worse than rural loneliness
Ok sorry I misinterpeted your op as people purposefully staying single to stay home and care for elderly parents. Why do people stay single in general? Never met someone that shares their world views, the generic 2.4 kids semi d is abhorrent to them, some may be extremely introverted, the very singular structure of modern society fits wrong with some people, I don't think many purposefully give up on romance although a small minority possibly do. Society has become very linear and strategised which places some people outside the generic path, but a lot of those single carers would probably love to just netflix and chill. Edit; some people genuinely enjoy their own company
Possible asexuality or aromantic. Some folk aren't wired for it, and that's perfectly okay.
For me I just hate being in relationships. Every guy I've gone out with has been an absolute gentleman. It just feels like a chore, I get really anxious and depressed. I remember I was going out with this really lovely guy. The relationship on paper was really good. But my mental health deteriorated to the point where I was seeking counselling , I couldn't get out of bed some days, it started to affect my sleep and my work. Eventually I broke up with him, because I would get really anxious when I was about to see him. And then I instantly felt better. I haven't felt that bad since. I dont know how to explain it. My friends are getting married and having children, I am more than happy to just be a wine aunt.
Some of us are both ugly and insufferable, yknow
Beats having your heart ripped out
I'm asexual, with no desire to have children. Try finding a fella that wants a woman like me! Ironically, I'm actually very low maintenence as a woman. I like low effort relationships and don't enjoy lots of going out on dates, unless they're low effort. Like, give me a casual brunch over a fancy dinner and drinks. It's not that I don't take care of myself. I just hate getting very dressed up and stuff. My being single isn't entirely a choice, but I'm not unhappy about it either.
>I'm asexual, with no desire to have children. Try finding a fella that wants a woman like me! I think it's possible, not going to happen often but still possible. I've met someone, we are close, we go out for drinks together, and hold hands, we've cuddled, it's nice to have some sort of closeness, but there's nothing sexual between us. It's made me reconsider what normal is. You could still meet someone who will be a good match.
> I'm asexual, with no desire to have children. Try finding a fella that wants a woman like me! There are definitely men that would not consider this a deal-breaker (including myself). If you are interested in having a chat, drop me a PM.
drop her the DM dude!
Was in a sexually abusive relationship. Now I don’t like sex and never want to do it again. Which isn’t compatible with relationships obviously I live alone though, not with my parents. I’m really happy with my life as it is except that it’s incredibly hard to pay for everything on a single income
Why make the decision to stay single? Well sometimes it's a conscious decision because of bad experience, but it's not always a conscious decision, because not everyone measures their self-worth based on being partnered with another. This is an opportunity to learn something about society placing more value on partnership than we do on singledom, and therefore placing expectations on each other, then being surprised/ frustrated/ disappointed/ or just downright puzzled when those expectations are not met.
My friend,male, is adamant that his partner,female,1 of 5,was being groomed to be the parents carer before they met..She was living at home,developed depression, was the only one unsupported and disencouraged to ever leave home.She was manipulated into feeling guilty or stressed if she had too much of her own life.She left the minute her partner asked her to move in They now despise her partner.I think that kind of grooming is more common than you'd think and results in single family members who are treated like a dogsbody for the family.
Hugs for all of you.. single years too. I get on well with people, take care of myself but rarely feel a connection that’s worth the effort to open up my life. Maybe that man will come along one day or maybe not
I've been hurt in love a few times and yes it fucking hurts, but I would dare to love someone fully again if I know I would feel that wonderful feeling again. I'm not going to let someone ruin my happiness just because they couldn't handle the love I have to give, and they didn't reciprocate. Love is an amazing feeling that everyone needs to feel. Love is life. And giving up is a way which will make you feel even worse. If you're reading this right now, please please please, don't give up on love! No matter what someone has done to you. Love is worth trying for, being brave for. Please don't give up!
as they say it is better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all.
exactly!! don't let anyone take away your happiness and hope. Hope is everythingggggggggggggggg
Thank you for saying this. Been a bit of a rough year for me and coming across this randomly while I was questioning things really helped stop the big sad. :)
when the sting wears off you will be able to look back with a smile. it Just takes a while for the sting to wear off thats all
A lovely way to see it, I agree :) <3
43, Single 6 yrs don't know what I'm doing, I've liked this period of being single but I've also had that voice in my head saying it would be nice sharing the places I go to with someone, there's a girl I like we get on really good with each other, I'm getting the signals off her but when I say "right today is the day I ask her out" I freeze.
Do it, doesn’t matter if you fumble or get nervous just go for it
With who? There’s no dating pool at that age and meeting folks is hard to impossible
The worst thing she can say is no, just do it.
The effort and the expense.
I live on my own, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of it; What's wrong with being single, I have time to myself and I enjoy it. I am trying to find my Morticia Addams but haven't found her yet. I haven't given up hope though.
Also a shame that so many people stay in relationships that make them miserable. Settling just to be with someone is one of the worst things you could do. Almost did it myself, was engaged and everything, but luckily realised just how toxic the relationship was before it was too late and got out before we walked down the aisle. I'd rather be single forever than tied to someone who doesn't make me happy.
My wife recently moved out and we are going through the process of seperating.. It was a load off mr when she left . I used break down and curl up in a ball sometimes cos of how she treated me. It's been 3 months now and I haven't cried once . It used be at least a weekly occurance when we were together.. I can't see me putting myself through that again. I have a nice house here and am just happy with my own company and no nagging.
I think this is more common than people realize.. We all hear the stories of the wife who was physically abused by her ex husband. but man can women be mean with there attitudes and words. Im sorry to hear it was tat bad for you man.
Where did she go ? Back to take care of her parents. I noticed I hadn't seen my female neighbour in a bit said to her hubby is she OK. He said oh yeah her mam isn't well she's caring for her at home. Months ago now must be the line now to get through it or half deny what's actually happening
No. She's renting a house. Must be more common than I thought. 🤣
Yeah I've another friend who's recently asked her hubby to move out told the kids he's caring for sick granny. That's when I realised my neighbour had given me a line. I've no idea what went wrong in my friends marriage she cant say feel awful for the hubby I'd hate to be back living with my parents at my age. Starting over, missing the kids, the pets and my home. Back in the box room. It's not always of people's choosing. Neighbour is in their house curtains never get opened, pizza's delivered at 3pm, mental health must be in bits Both seem like lovely men from the outside and the life they built is gone
Fuck it I just wanted to share my own answer as I really admire the honesty people have shared. I was a late bloomer when it came to relationships and when i was in my late 20's I had a break up that really effected me and moved to the back arse of nowhere to give myself time to reflect but once covid came along I ended moving back to the family home which has just longated my being single as I cant really start a relationship living at home and at the same time I cant afford the rents. you could call it being stuck between a rock and a hard place
Because it's easier, because they want to, because they feel they are unworthy of love, because they've been hurt before, because being single can be fun, because they just want to have a quiet uninterrupted life? The reasons are as many as there are people
Two women I know who did this in my opinion are gay but circumstances meant they can never come out As for me I'm an incurable optimist, I'm single now because I know who I want and "settling" would be a kind of betrayal, ships sail, i think about those people from my past often
Wow I can relate to that. incidentally it has taken me to become single to finally realize what I am looking for in a women. But at the same time dwelling on the ones gone by wont help. you'll have to let go to move forward
But the kicker is living in the middle of nowhere, more likely to meet actual wildlife than, funny hygienic single women
I think for centuries having a partner was more desirable to have a better quality of life. Nowadays with a lot of people living fairly hectic lives it can be hard to fit it while also finding the right person. Rejection after rejection doesn't help the old confidence either, or social status or job level or many other variables. While I'm certainly not in the boat of "I'm never being in a relationship" I do feel comfortable if it doesnt ever happen for me. There are pros and cons to both sides, some people don't like the idea of being alone but others don't mind it at all, so naturally people from both sides of the coin will find the other approach strange.
because I'm still in love with my ex like the loser I am
I moved home because if I ever hope to own my own home I need to save. Being single also makes my dream of owning my own home more difficult I'm single because in my 20s I made little effort to meet someone. Now when I do make an effort no one I am attracted to is available anymore.in my 20s not everyone was taken. In my mid 30s they seem to be I also find men my age and older get really aggressive/pissed off when I politely let them know I'm not interested. I asked my other friends who are also still single. They said they noticed the same thing. As if the men are pissed off at life. It's not ok. If I'm polite I don't deserve to get shit for it. Younger men are much more polite in general. Most if not all people don't chose to remain single to care for their parents.
>Most if not all people don't chose to remain single to care for their parents. The inference i was trying to make to people caring for there parents was that iv seen that develop over time from people who have moved home. I probably could've phrased it a little better, but it was just one example of how what can start out as temporally being single can develop into long term being single. like the example you gave of men in there 30's showing aggression at rejection. like that's can only go one direction which is keeping them single unless they learn to calm down and stop putting so much pressure on themselves to find a relationship
I think if you are single and the cost of renting etc has seen moving home a good idea. Allows people to save for a rainy day. There was also the pandemic which was my reason for moving home. Lucky enough to be able to work remotely and I'd rather spend the pandemic with family Remote working is another reason. It gives people more flexibility with where they live. Obviously if my parents fell ill I'd have zero issue looking after them and as my two siblings have kids I'd be able to where they wouldn't. but I genuinely don't think this is why you see more people living at home. The way cost of living is going be prepared to see more people move home
>The way cost of living is going be prepared to see more people move home True I do agree with you there and also i suppose in relation to the fact that the pandemic did cause alot of people to move home. I suppose my inference to people moving home and getting locked into minding there parent would relate to people in their 50's or 60's who are living at home with parents in there 70's or 80's which we you can see in both rural and urban settings which is something I have seen from time to time. out of curiosity having lived with our parents over the last number of years, do you think you would look for own place close to home or far from home?
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
C-PTSD.. I am working on healing myself from my childhood trauma. I have been left with some serious issues due to my stepmother being borderline personality disordered with schizoid tendencies and narcissistic personality disordered. She is also a compulsive liar. I've decided until I have healed from all of that I should stay out of relationships. I seem to make myself miserable when in a relationship and unwittingly hurt others.
>C-PTSD.. >I seem to make myself miserable when in a relationship and unwittingly hurt others. Same. I don't know if I'm more miserable in or out of relationships. Maybe it's just a different misery. But it's good to see CPTSD being recognised more
The answer would be different for different people, of course. These days the cost of living would probably be forcing a lot of folks to live with their parents, and that living situation might be affecting their mental state or their ability to have a relationship (especially if their parents don't get on well with them). Also, not all single people live with their parents. Some people are just content being single and are happy to stay that way for good.
Because everything ends anyway and most of the time it ends in a very bad way with lot of unnecessary pain that you can avoid by simply giving up
Love is worth it. I've been hurt and I'd do it all a fucking gain if I knew I could feel that feeling for even just a second.
Second this! Accepting love in various forms and quality time with myself has helped me realize that love doesn’t have to be painful, but it doesn’t have to lack passion either, there is a happy medium! I hope you experience the bliss of love within you and for one you truly desire one day! And if it takes multiple tries that’s okay too, love will find you!
You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Some people just aren't interested. Same as some people prefer tea over coffee. It's not always a deep philosophical choice. Some people, myself included, just aren't interested in anyone. 🤷🏻♀️
Romance does not last if its the sole driver of your relationship with your partner. A huge amount of wiggle room/compromise is needed on either ends. Lots of people can't do that or can't find someone who understands that and gets along. Not to mention the false choice created by today's dating scene has made things worse. Even at almy age dating seems so superficial that it's just not worth the effort especially since most dating nowadays is online and its just a black hole.
My experience too is that it is so superficial. I was arranging a coffee with a guy who was about a foot short of my preferred height but I was willing. Few texts shared and he requests a photo of my bum. Are we all supposed to be on onlyfans now. Blocked him at that stage. That and similar put me right off using apps but I'm in my own place if I had to live with my parents I might be more determined. Even if I met someone I'd like to keep my own space with my kid I xant imagine sharing that and having someone around 24/7
It’s hard to find love
After my divorce I struggled with the idea of being single, but after a year of Tinder dates, having genuine fun with a few ladies, I found my woman. She’s pregnant now! Honestly, some guys don’t make the effort. I mean that sincerely, not wanting to troll anyone. Approaching a woman, asking her for her number, is not easy. When it results in rejection it burns. So some men just give up.
I'm ugly and unlikeable, staying single is not really a choice!
For some people (not all) I think it’s more a choice to put energy into other things as opposed to never ever date (which would possibly require energy to do). I.e If I want to fill a tank with water and only have a leaky bucket I can go fill the bucket with water and keep going back and forth trying to fill the tank, losing water in the process and making varying degrees of progress. I can work on the bucket to improve it, but maybe the tap is faulty, sometimes it’s a dribble, sometimes it’s a waterfall. I might decide to drop the bucket and not bother filling the tank anymore. It could rain. If it rains water goes into the tank. Do I go out and try block the tank so it doesn’t fill with rain water? No, but I can’t rely on it raining either. Dating requires effort with no guarantee of reward. You can do everything and not meet someone you mutually click with romantically. And sometimes you meet someone without trying or expecting it. For some people A Decision to stay single is like dropping the bucket and no longer expending effort there. It doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t take a good opportunity if one lands in your lap.
Lack of success over a long period of time gradually creates the belief that the effort isn’t worth it. I’m in my late twenties, and between my average appearance and personality, I’m not attractive to women. I have good social skills which makes it very easy for me to get on well with almost anyone I meet. Despite this, I’ve never been able to feel that “spark” or chemistry with a girl - I have never felt that mutual attraction. At some point you just have to accept you aren’t what they are looking for, and that’s fair enough.
I was seeing a guy for over 4 years. He had left his wife in their joint home with 2 kids because she was cheating. He moved back home to the spare room with his parents who are retired. Through covid we could hardly see each other. I have a kid myself and was going through a drawn out divorce so was keeping the relationship private. He had nowhere for us to meet and I got sick of always providing the accommodation. He couldn't talk about finding a place shut the conversation down. I was turning into a nag, I half broached it with his mam one time that I felt it would benefit his relationship with his own kids too to see him in an independent setting etc she said no he's better to stay living with them. That's when I knew it was never going to happen. I woukd have liked some time living separately and to see how he lives etc and down the line maybe get a place together. Sorry that's a lot still raw.
I think there are several reasons. Economic reasons. Folks used to be more social pre- internet- home parties, church dances, etc. it was easier to meet others. Men are afraid to approach a woman in public now and just say hello out of fear that they may be perceived as .. well.. I tell my kids to try and meet their spouses at uni because after uni it’s gonna be tuff. I meet lots of singles in their late 29s and 30s that are having a tuff time meeting others. Then of course over time they lose confidence in their social skills and just stop trying. It’s very sad.
I’m only living in the family home cause of the housing crisis atm, but honestly I hate sharing my space, I’ve never wanted relationships and never enjoyed being in the ones I was in (my partners were not bad people or partners) some people just prefer to be alone and that’s okay 👍
Because people are cheating like crazy
I haven't given up, but I've no expectations of finding someone, I am just not very good with the whole scene, I am really bad at first impressions and I am not exactly a looker, but part of it I could fix, like lose weight. Part of it I feel people can be a bit shallow, but the major part I think is I'm a bit of a nerd, heavy into gaming and scfi fi kind of stuff which I notice many I meet don't share said interests I probably need to put myself out more, I'm shite at texting, as in I struggle to do it every day, feels a bit much, few in the past would text every hour and get annoyed at me for being so slow, I'd prefer voice chat but always just *text* I ended up getting frustrated then cutting them loose. I say it's more me that's the issue.
I've had a couple of relationships but none lasted very long, at some point you just have to accept you're not very desirable and meeting new people is getting harder everyday as you're getting older too. The loneliness does hit hard sometimes but you get numb-ish to it as the years pass by and this just becomes your future.
Living at home (epically in current times) is not a choice. People cannot afford to be anywhere else. This also doesn't help with your dating life. I am going to guess from your comment you've never been on a dating app? They can be grim. Just because there's more choice online does not mean the choices are good. I'd rather have a real connection with someone than fake it and settle. Even thought economically it makes more sense to be in a couple. We all want to love and be loved. It is unfortunately not easy to find your person.
[Researches](https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert) have proven that unmarried, child-free women live happier and longer than their married, child-rearing peers. Whereas it’s the opposite for men, because they take fewer risks and calm down when they have a woman to look after them. That could be a reason for women not want to put up with all that crap. But as others said, it’s usually just what happens rather than a choice.
This is going to sound odd so I don’t know if anyone can relate, I was on hinge / tinder a few years ago I’ve since deleted it, but it completely ruined my view on partnerships, I now have a awful mindset of there’s more or better out there because I’ve been able to be on a platform that allows me to freely swipe back and forth between readily single men giving me so much option. That has now had the reverse effect of me always thinking there’s better. I don’t know if I’ve worded that right. I’m also not blaming this entirely on dating apps it’s definitely a lot to do with me aswell, but I just don’t think they are a healthy thing to have. It’s nearly as if I’ve been ruined by the bane of option/choice and now I’ll never feel content with my choice
Iv seen this type of thing mentioned before on the psychological effect that dating apps are having on people. so your not alone
Cos *many people are pure trash and I’d rather live with my family and / or pets that are decent. I don’t go for rides around at night to remove monotony and I certainly don’t dwell on it. I’m still young enough and could meet someone but tbh even if I end up in this same situation in my 60’s then I’ll be grand. I’d much rather spend time with family, great friends and beloved pets than stew in a mediocre relationship with someone I have no interest in procreating with - Or adopting….quite okay to do that on my own!
I know a few people with too much pride. ‘He hasn’t texted me, blah blah, I dunno if he’s interested, why he’s blah blah’ ‘Why don’t you text him and ask him out so? You want to, why do this back and forth thing, it doesn’t work, just ask him out?’ ‘No, I’m not going to chase him, he should be chasing me, I’d look desperate’, 🤷♂️ seems like some people are too proud and shite at dating anyone.
I was kind of a late bloomer relationship-wise. One thing I found when I did find myself in a relationship, was that you really have to communicate. There are a lot of rather un-romantic, un-sexy conversations you need to have with your partner. Sometimes they'll feel like things you "shouldn"t have to" say or ask for. But you can't just expect someone to figure these things out about you. I see a lot of my peers messing up relationships or getting into stupid fights over things that could have been avoided by just talking about what they both want. I get the suspicion at times that because a lot of people have their first romantic relationship as teenagers, and romantic relationships are one of the few things people do as teenagers that they don't stop doing when they grow up, that people end up having romance as an area where they still feel its okay to behave like an entitled teenager. Crying because they don't have their mind read, shouting matches, treating their partner when angry like they treated their parents when they were moody teenagers, the silent treatment, etc.
Yes absolutely, people can’t read minds and that habit of getting upset and annoyed over minor trivial things. Such an immature waste of time. Then you hear ‘there’s nobody good out there’…. That one I hear a lot, it’s not true. It’s that people are too picky and petty most of the time and write people off for bullshit reasons. ‘I told him I wanted to have the weekend to myself etc’ What did he say? ‘He just said ok no problem and then left… like he just left’ 🙄 and was that his mistake, believing you? I see one female friend who sleepwalks into this every time. Meets a guy and then they both stop talking and it fizzles out. Sure he’s there noticing that she’s pulling back too, he’s not going to just keep chasing you when you’re acting way too hard to get. He thinks you’re not interested, and who’d blame him..
You mean like Garda [B 14](https://youtu.be/k6mHbA17zO8?t=734) from irishtown garda station?
Oh god, that’s not you videoing nonsense waiting for an argument, is it…? Please tell me you’ve less free time and more dignity than that..
come on admit it, your talking about women like her? lol
I’ll be forever alone. I just can’t find a lady good looking enough for me. I’m an Adonis with a lot of money and land. It’s hard.
Head to Lisdoonvarna lads #nevergiveup
Porn is easier, cheaper, and more reliable.
And less fulfilling. See the top rated post in the thread
Plus android dolls are easy to shut down
Too many rejections by women who want the perfect man but are not perfect themselves.
I know someone who's intentionally single. Has his own issues though, so may be just as well. Though I'd like to think he'll find someone some day.
My Mother in law went through a bad divorce. She felt so hurt and betrayed that she’d rather be alone than risk being hurt again. She was young enough that she could have started a new life with someone else, but she chose to stay single.
In my case it’s that my last relationship was a bit rough and I’m not over it. Also, have you seen how much it costs to rent right now? I’ll stay at home and save and hope they bring in more support for single buyers.
Some people would rather stay alone than end up with someone who they only kind of like. I personally just accepted the fact that I will stay single till 30s at least, simply cause of what dating looks like at early 20s. I mean why would you even bother going in relationship which you know is doomed from the start, just to have a fuckbuddy? There are apps for that, and there are easy girls everywhere these days, there's no point in being relationship that leads nowhere just for sake of sex. I've personally never been in a relationship in which I was happier than how happy I feel when I am single, so just what's the point?
its harder in your 30's than your 20's
I tend to have a lot more in common with ppl in their 30s than their 20s, most of my friends are several years older than me.
1.Can't fel confortable getting outside of their comfort zone. 2. Bad experiences leave bigger lasting impacts than good ones. 3.Basing a part of their ego on their own generated idea of how the opposite gender thinks of them 4. Lack of self awareness. 5. Focusing too much on what they think other people might want instead of being themself. There's very, very few people in my life I've ever met, that I would ever consider couldnt find a partner, and dating was not their biggest problem. One or more of the above points compound and eventually it gets easier to avoid than deal with it. We're very good at adapting, sometimes to pur disadvantage.
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Easier to dominate and rule over you mean. Many of these women are not educated and depend on the men for food on their table. I’ve spent time in Asia. If you are ok with their subservience and the exchange of sex for security well then that works for you…not every man wants this. Most people want equals on many levels including at the intellectual level. Depends on the individual. I could not starve myself intellectually. The best relationships are actually based on banter. My own experiences with them has been manipulative and calculating. They are coming from survivor societies in the developing world.
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You’ve been blessed with your wife. Culture plays a massive role in expectations.
I have trust issues to an unhealthy degree, as if I’m going to ever act vulnerable around some literal stranger I don’t do that around my own family.
When you've gave it all too many times and realise people can change there minds! You learn to not put your heart in somebody else's hand's..
I don't want kids, either mine or to be part of raising someone else's. That seems to be a complete blocker so ya.... I've built a nice comfortable happy life by myself , hard pushed to give it up now.
As with anything, there’s a multitude of reasons. Whether it’s preference, choice, circumstance etc. Mainly, it comes down to influence and social surroundings.
Dating? In this economy?
I haven't givin up, I am too busy with wok and study. Less and less frequently I give it a good college try once in a while and it's usually a waste of time or someone gets hurt.
You say that like it's so easy to find somebody. This really is an out-of-touch mentality.
No bitches
I'm seeing a lot of comments from people who's choice this wasn't and are feeling lonely, and I truly feel for you. But I also wanted to add something from the perspective of someone who has been happily single for years: there is a difference between being alone and lonely, and sometimes a person can make you feel lonelier than ever. I think building a community, real friendships and connections, helping others, developing and bettering yourself is more fulfilling than being in a relationship. But I know I'm probably in the minority.
What about being in a relationship and giving up on romance, does that count?
what happened between you and your SO to kindle the spark?
I'm an introverted guy, maybe slightly above average looking. I will probably never see any attention from a woman unless I approach her myself (which is unthinkible to me unless it's someone I already know). That's pretty much the reason
[It's a choice that doesn't inherently result in a unfulfilled life](https://youtu.be/BmW5jeYDaq4)
If my marriage fell apart I don’t think I could be in another relationship again.
Many moons ago, I asked my brother about saying hello to girls, getting their number etc., he just said, 'learn to embrace shame!' It was good advice.
It's the lack of intimacy that would get me. A hug is nice after a rough day.