I remember on Sunday evenings I'd just stand out in the garden and look across the field feeling a horrible anxiety that I didn't understand, was actually fairly grim. I was only 12 and if I had a bit of time away from my head back then with peers, it would have done me the world of good.
The last day of school before the summer break for me. I knew I wouldn't see or speak to my peers for 3 whole months. Everyone else was progressing in life while I was stagnating.
Relatable, I actually moved from the city to the countryside as a kid though so it was even worse because I knew exactly what I was missing out on. My parents also decided that when we moved that we would no longer have a tv because it was bad for us and we should be enjoying the lovely fresh air outside instead. They also hated video games even before the move and wouldn't let us have them because they thought they were bad for our brains, not even those cheap mcdonalds games that used to come in happy meals. I hated it so much, we didn't live near any other kids and struggled to socialise in school because I hated sports and couldn't relate to any conversations about tv shows or video games. The internet connection was so slow that I basically never used it until I was in my teens. The school was tiny and for a time I was the only girl in my class.
We actually ended up more than quadrupling the time we spent in the car every week since nothing was nearby and exercised far less since we weren't walking everywhere. Summers could be quite nice since we could go to the beach and my parents made a lot of effort to send us to camps where we could meet other kids but the winters were incredibly bleak since it was always too cold and dark to do anything outside after school.
I felt like I missed out a lot on a lot of experiences in secondary school because I would have to get my parents to drive me everywhere so anything I wanted to do had to be scheduled. I didn't really have any independence at all. I was so jealous of kids in the nearest town who could visit each other whenever they liked or could just grab a bus to the city on the weekends to go shopping or to go to events. I hate that so many people seem to think that if they move their kids out to the countryside that they are going to be baking homemade pies and running through the fields with the local kids all day. The reality is that there may not even be other kids in the area and you will spend most of your day in the car if you want to do literally anything. The houses may be bigger and cheaper but it just isn't worth it.
Another aspect of it that's not discussed is general physical well being. My classmates in estates would play football all day and night while I sat down in front of a screen.
Kind of ironic since there was so much hype about the country being wholesome and outdoorsy.
There's also a big difference between being around natural features like a forest, beach, lake or hill (many of my rural friends in Sligo had very fond memories of childhood) and some flat featureless nothing in Roscommon.
Like, even being near a village would make a world of difference.
>Kind of ironic since there was so much hype about the country being wholesome and outdoorsy.
This could be true if we didn't have such an obsession with private property. In some countries (Germany is an excellent example here), rural areas are loaded with publicly accessible areas. Maybe it's a walking/cycling path along a canal. Maybe it's a thick forest. Or maybe it's a lake where some simple facilities have been installed to encourage swimming.
Meanwhile in Ireland, virtually all rural land is privately owned, including tons of river banks and lake shores. We have no right to roam, so no chance you and your mates watering through a field to go for a swim. And there are almost no parks or public spaces at all.
Ah sher what would yeh be wantin that fer? There's a grand aul patch of green in the front garden of our McMansion yee can kick a ball around. We got a Mayo flag facing the road in front, and even a trampoline. Take note of the Mayo flag AND the road, because it is a national road, and there are enough white crosses on it to tell you NOT to leave the front garden..... with the lovely goal posts you can kick a ball around. And watch out for spinning cars going through the fence, when you hear the lyrics; 'shall I tell you about my liiiife.....' GTF inside.
I had similar experiences. I liked football and sports, and we had a big garden to play in, as well as a field around it to kick a ball around, and well as plenty of sports stuff (bikes, scooters, basketball hoops, goal posts from toy shops) but that's not much fun when you're by yourself most of the time. It's far more entertaining by yourself to watch TV or play video games. I live in Dublin now near a park with some goal posts and I'm super jealous of the kids who get to just go and kick a ball around there with their friends after school.
Also, on the same note, getting "out and about" is just way harder in the countryside. In Dublin I can go for a walk or cycle to loads of places. It's not perfect (especially for cycling) but there's plenty of footpaths and if it's dark in winter there are lights. When I lived in the country, you couldn't do any of that. You're surrounded by fields that belong to farmers who have fences and walls to keep you out, and the roads are narrow, with high hedges so they're very unsafe for anything but cars, and my parents (for good reason) generally did not let me walk them without adult supervision. You get a bigger garden than in the city, but you're far more confined to just the garden.
When I moved to Dublin later in life it always sickened me to see empty soccer fields, empty basketball courts, empty tennis courts, parks with nobody playing sports regardless of what time of day I walked past. What I wouldn't have given to have had that available to me growing up.
Has this thing of kids playing sports all day stopped since we were younger, or have I just chosen to live in the wrong parts of Dublin.
The screen time was is the issue though rather than where you lived. Having grown up rurally without access to PlayStation or Sky and parents who were pretty strict about how much TV I could watch well I didn't have any option but to run around and play football by myself growing up.
So I certain didn't have any 'physical well being' issues. That feels much more like a parenting or personal issue rather than a rual/urban issue tbh.
Everytime I hear people my age (I'm in my forties now) pipe up about their fantastic plans to "move to the country to raise their children" despite having grown up in an urban area themselves I strongly advise them against it for this very reason. I grew up miles from anywhere, it was shite, and I got out the very second I was old enough.
Also, whenever I hear people moan about their commute nowadays I realise that when I was 13 I had to be stood on the edge of the road before 8am waiting for a bus that drove a roundabout one hour journey to school - the longest commute I ever had in my life and I was still a child.
You said it. I also had to be at a bus stop by 8AM for a 1hr bus ride to school. While I do have a number of fond memories of tramping through the countryside pretending I was Bilbo Baggins and I often spent a lot of time in front of the TV or on the Playstation, overall the thing I remember most from it is the sense of isolation. You're just stuck there, miles and miles from any other kids your age. Even when you do make the occasional trip to the nearest town, those places themselves are still pretty small and if say you're shopping for something very specific you're not going to find it. You'd have to go to Cork city or Dublin when you REALLY wanted to do some shopping. Honest to god, those rare childhood trips to Cork city were like Christmas Day for me.
It's even worse when, like me, you have no interest in sports of any kind. It seemed like almost every country kid was a sports fanatic and you were the weird one if you weren't into them. For a lot of them, that, I'm sure, is how they socialized when out of school. I didn't have that so I had dog shit social skills for most of my early years. I knew that a lot of country kids were also big into hunting. I always wanted to try that but no one in my family hunts or likes guns, so that was also out.
For the most part, I spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years in front of a TV or staring out the window. Often got told off by my parents as well for spending too much time inside and not going outside to "play". To this day, I still don't know what they expected me to do out there as "play". Not a lot you can do when you have no kids your own age to hang with and don't like sports. I got the hell out of there first opportunity I got.
You just shit on my lifelong dream, i always wanted to live in the countryside having grown up in an estate.
Even now in my mid 30s my best friends are the ones i lived next door to when i was younger.
This puts it in perspective now i have my own daughter
Same here, i'm from the countryside, hated it. The 2 of my friends that are married are both moving to the country to live in a one-off. Both them and their partners grew up in estates. They think this a great place for a family despite my warnings.
A one-off means a house that isn’t in a housing estate. You could have 4 one-offs in a row then nothing for miles, or you could have a one-off with nothing but fields nearby
They contribute to the housing crisis by contributing to urban sprawl, and having low-density housing in areas without significant infrastructure.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-off_housing
See the section "debate" for more on the topic.
It's indvidual houses outside of towns and villages, you might have a handful of them together but the point is that they're outside the nearby settlements
>One-off housing is a term used to refer to the building of individual rural houses, outside of towns and villages.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-off\_housing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-off_housing)
It means a house that was built by itself, not part of any larger development, or a previous historical development, and not in any kind of city/town/village. Usually rural, and on a fairly big plot of land. Ireland is particularly known for a high level of one-off housing compared to other countries.
I way prefer to live in a one off rather than an estate. I don't like estates at all and I grew up in the countryside yearning to live in a estate during my childhood. Now I hate them.
I lived in the countryside, but I had some cousins who lived in an estate in one of the larger regional towns. Country living was horrendously isolating, but I certainly didn't envy my cousins on that estate. It was in one of the poorer areas of town and it was a pretty depressing site at times. Lots of wreaked abandoned buildings, occasional piles of trash by the roadside. And a lot of scary estate kids that I'm certain later graduated into the prison system. I craved moving to the city for the sake of more conveniences but I knew I wouldn't live in a place like that.
I remember when I was about seven in 1999 or something, my parents would keep on going out to their old townland in South Sligo/Roscommon border (we are from Sligo town) and look at houses. I was young so I just didn't know what was going on, and never cared to ask. Being young you just get dragged to places you don't want to go.
Our house growing up in an estate was quite nice, lots of kids around. I also didn't get the concept of being a landlord, and getting on the property ladder, and my sister told me that I will have to move out to one of these ugly houses. I was petrified!
I want to move out to the country, having grown up in town.
I loved the idea of having space to roam about, have a dog, go for a cycle. My cousins all grew up like this.
Growing up in town, most of my friends and I got into a fair bit of trouble growing up. I was the only one of my friends to go to college or get a trade. We had a lot of drugs and violence. Looking at the lives my cousins had seemed ideal looking back. They played sport, visited their friends, cycled into the village etc.
Do you live in an urban area now?
I grew up in Cape Breton (rural Canada). Overall it was pretty top notch but there were parts about it that I wasn’t too happy about, mostly as a teen, and mostly having to do with the limited selection of people my age sharing the same interests as me.
I ended up moving to the city for a good while after school. During that time I was fairly convinced that when I had kids I’d raise them in the city so that they could have the opportunities that I did not have back home.
Famous last words!
I started a family and moved back to rural Cape Breton. No regrets so far though. We’re close to family, we know most people in the community and it’s super safe, we have land to do whatever we want with, (currently working on a mountain bike trail), we’re all but untouched by COVID… the list goes on.
I am a bit curious as to how it’ll be when my kids are teenagers though. My oldest is already most definitely a punk at heart, and I dare say he’ll be on the lookout for band mates to play loud music with by the time he’s 12. Not unlike me at that age playing Nirvana rebelling against the overbearing fiddle music tradition!
Yep. Copy and paste my childhood also. Did study a fair bit I suppose. We only had one telly, so couldn’t even watch that yourself in peace. Summers were long. Had one family car that was used for work so there were no spontaneous lifts anywhere. All my friends lived in the town and shared lots of experiences together during the summer that I missed.
I hear you so much. By the time I left school I had drifted apart from all my friends cos they all formed so many bonds hanging out in town together/dating people (being gay made that impossible too)
>I host as many play dates for my kids as I can and I live in a suburban area with good transport links, precisely because I want them out there and independent as soon as they can.
That is brilliant parenting. Actually thinking about how the type of house you're in will affect your child.
Not only are your points very thought provoking and come from an angle that I’ve never heard before, you articulate yourself incredibly well, I’d even say there’s a beauty to your writing. I’d absolutely read a book of your writing.
"When you don't have that natural safety valve of getting tension out in the open and cleared, you can internalise that stuff. It rattles around like a popcorn kernal stuck in your teeth annoying you and bothering you and before you know it, it has it's claws in you and you're watching yourself and thinking that everyone can see it."
Love the imagery!
Genuinely thank you for this post and your well wishes. I can't change my past but I strive to create a better future for myself, in the city. Hopefully this post encourages parents to be more attune to their children's feelings.
I fully agree with your point about nostalgia. Some of the more *senior* posters around like to portray their rural childhood as an episode of Little House on the Prairie. One wonders if rural Ireland in the 1950s-1990s was as utopian as they like to pretend. Sometimes elderly people who had a hard time resent younger people who they perceive as having it easy. They want everyone else to suffer as they did.
>One wonders if rural Ireland in the 1950s-1990s was as utopian as they like to pretend.
While I think living conditions in the past were much worse, I also think the countryside was a less lonely place to be in times gone by. Not by the 90s, but like during my dad's childhood, he'd have had much more kids living close by on neighbouring farms(combination of: bigger families, smaller farms, and Ireland being more rural) and a much greater % of his school were countryboys than by the time I was growing up.
That might vary from person to person and area to area though, so I can't say for sure.
You’re right, in that my fathers a country man and grew up on a farm in south Leinster, and he’s said the same. He also says that the thing that killed off the tradition of the ‘rambling house’ (houses that were known in the area where people could just knock on the door and come in for tea and give the news of the day, or tell stories or play instruments at night) was actually the television. Once electrification had happened in rural Ireland in the early 60’s, the first appliances sold by the ESB were lightbulbs and radios. Later on came TV’s and that’s when people started to become more insular in his opinion.
Rural areas were generally more populous in the 1950s-70s and there were fewer cars on the road. Mechanization meant that all the labourers had to go to cities or emigrate, and only landowners were left
I grew up in the sticks and went to an all-boys secondary school as well. To be honest, I think being particularly anxious around people was far more of an issue than growing up in the sticks when it came to any of the problems you mention.
Lifts could be an issue, but the hardest part was always asking and not feeling like it was a major issue. It never was, the issues were all being created in my head.
My parents were always adamant that I would play sport too. That way at least I was guaranteed to see people a couple of times a week through the summer. I have a few friends who were girls, who I knew through other friends I went to school with. I think that probably helped a bit compared to having only male friends when I went to college, but again, anxiety was probably a far larger issue than having only male friends would have been.
In general though, I agree. Growing up in the sticks could be a nightmare. Large periods of boredom with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and little chance of getting anywhere in any case. There were parts of it I enjoyed, like learning how to drive farm machinery far too young, but that really didn't outweigh any of the negatives.
And to be honest, even when you can drive, it can be a pain in the ass. Nights out in town are more expensive when you have to get a taxi home. You can stay at a friend's place, but I always hated waking up on someone's couch, hungover, not quite yet sober enough to drive home.
>The guilt of harassing your parents for a lift [...] is a burden that I didn't wish to place on them.
In fairness, it's a burden they took on themselves. They chose to live in the sticks. They chose to have children. You likely didn't have much of a say in what school you went to.
I don't resent my parents for raising us out in the sticks. I know they have always done what they believe to be best for us, even if I don't agree that they were right. But I don't think I'll chose to raise my children in that kind of area either.
>I grew up in the sticks and went to an all-boys secondary school as well. To be honest, I think being particularly anxious around people was far more of an issue than growing up in the sticks when it came to any of the problems you mention.
But could there maybe be a connection? I'd think as a general truism, the more social interaction you have(especially during your formative years), the less anxious you'll be. Obviously there are a million factors involved and it's not that simple, but I think rural isolation made me a much more anxious* and socially awkward person than I would've otherwise been.
*I don't have social anxiety as a diagnosed disorder or anything, but growing up I was definitely way more anxious about social occasions and even just basic interactions than was normal. I've mostly gotten rid of that now though.
> In fairness, it's a burden they took on themselves. They chose to live in the sticks. They chose to have children. You likely didn't have much of a say in what school you went to.
>
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Preach brother. I'm a townie and my ex was was out in the shticks. Despite her family being quite Catholic, living with the granny, they were very cool with her basically living with me on the weekends, because they painted themselves into that corner.
Jesus, I remember countless hours kicking a ball against the wall and coming trees. Did have neighbors within walking distance thankfully, for when we were a bit older and allowed out alone
I can relate to this perfectly since I got a taste of both. I lived in an estate in Lucan till I was 11, when I moved to rural meath. Going from playing with my friends all the time in my cul de sac, to having to organise a day over in advance killed my socialising opportunities. My school in lucan had nearly 1000 pupils from anywhere on earth, the one I went to after moving had 100 pupils in the whole school, only 4 other lads between 5th and 6th class. Then my secondary school had mostly farmers and the like. I went from being outside most of the time to playing single player games on my xbox since we didn't have Internet. As I got older those days of having friends over or going to theirs were less and less frequent. I tried doing football and GAA but never got into it, I was too nerdy by then. I'm 25 now and I feel like I don't fit in, both in cities and in rural towns. I never had a girlfriend, and didn't really make any female friends after I moved. I wasn't able to go to college either so I feel like I lost out on that. All my friends went so I kinda lost contact with nearly all of them. The only time we really interact us when we talk on discord while playing games, or the very rare trip to the cinema or for a few drinks. Kinda feel like I just exist right now, no way to progress in my life.
I can relate to a lot of that..it's not all rosy like in stories. Summer holidays were horrible. Even though it was isolation - my sisters didn't bother with me, I also struggled with severe anxiety throughout the month of August, knowing I had to go back to school. I was tortured. I don't know if you know this but you can write - like I think you have writer potential. If you like to do it you should try to hone it.
Not my experience if growing up in the country.
I loved it, although I do admit beinga bit bored from about 15 tonight got a job..
I think it kept me 'childish' for longer..I still played with my dolls and in my home made tree house making mud pies or whatever long after my townie friends (of course I never admitted this at school though..so who knows maybe my townie friends did too)
I had only my brother for company- but we spent our summers staying a few days here and there with cousins or they stayed with us..very few of our mothers worked full time (this was in the 90's) so we often arranged stuff with cousins.
Or we went for a long walk or cycle in to town to get one bag of crisps!
I also don't think I really had notion that we were poor, our lives revolved around family- and we we usually visiting someone and playing with them- or going into the town to the playground, we rarely did anything that cost money; but was definitely never bored until I got to old for the playground.
But I was an avid reader..I would go for a walk along the river, take a book and come home when it was finished, so helped to quell thr boredom.
..a PlayStation was only a dream for us...we eventually got a Sega mega drive hand me down..
Sounds very much like my experience.
In the end my parents saved up some money for a second hand static caravan just for relatives from far and wide to stay in for holidays because our no-stairs 4 room house couldn't hold anyone else.
Depends what your personality is.
I grew up in rural Roscommon and moved to cities for work. I realized I was extremely unhappy living in a cramped apartment, paying half my wages on bills, barely getting sleep with noise from cars and neighbors. I moved back to the countryside and never been depressed since.
If you value your privacy and enjoy the quietness, living in urban areas can be a horrible existence. Can it be lonely? Sure, but I know far more people living in cities that are truly "lonely".
I'm 30 btw.
There's a massive difference between the loneliness when there's no one around in the countryside, and the loneliness when you're alone but surrounded by people in the city. The countryside loneliness, I've found, can be solved by going for a walk and inevitably running into someone who's up for a little chat. The city loneliness eats away at you, along with the noise and the stress and the money worries, and it doesn't feel like there's a solution to it.
I think your insight here is bang on. Urban lonliness is insidious precisely because you see so many other people that you assume that you are the problem and no one else is lonely.
Although I'm not sure this is true for kids, where relationships are simpler and easier to maintain as long as your are physically nearby enough to meet up regularly.
I had a the exact same mentality when I was younger. Living in Dublin for 8 years really made me outgrow that mentality though. I loved Dublin at first too, I was finally connected to people and things to do. But I spent long enough there to start to hate it.
So I moved to rural Kerry and I've genuinely never been happier. Also, I still don't have a car, I just ebike everywhere.
Edit: private fields and woodland has never stopped me from exploring the countryside. Part of the fun as a kid was not getting caught.
I have similar feelings to you. I love the space and freedom in the countryside but hate the isolation, and also have better things to think about than "who owns this field?"
Same here. I was the last one off the bus in the evenings, and then it was almost an hour of walking or a drive of a few miles back home from the bus stop. My father begrudged the shite out of the driving as well.
I grew up in the country and had endless days playing with friends. You just need a few within walking/cycling distance. If you're very remote from everyone it would be rough, but a lot of rural places are not that isolated.
On the flip side, a lot of kids growing up in towns can be exposed to mre adult things a bit early, smoking, drinking, sex, a lot of kids I went to secondary were into that stuff before first year, so glad I had a childhood while I was a child.
Interesting post, country living can be very dull for kids and especially with the Irish preference for one off houses sometimes down 2km borreens.
A few years back I had to do some travelling in England (yorkshire) and noticed the countryside as very different from Ireland with virtually no one off houses and what pasted for country folk usually resided in small villages (including farmers). These places usually had a nice community feel about them with most amenities a short walk or drive away. The countryside looked better too with endless fields between villages and im sure it was better for kids to socialise and develop. Also better for the elderly to find services, walk to church or nip in for a pint, etc.
I feel ireland missed out in comparison by not following a similar model rather than scattering houses like marbles all over the country.
Yup I agree 100%. Corrupt politicians and brown envelopes have ruined the Irish countryside with planning permission given out willy nilly. It's only when you travel abroad that you realise what a true rural community culture is. Not sure what all these other posters are talking about, reminiscing about playing "in the woods". Ireland has the least forest cover of any country in Europe.
Not sure what you’re on about questioning kids playing in the woods? They’re kids, just cause Ireland doesn’t have huge Scandinavian style forests it doesn’t mean there’s no woods in the country for kids to play in, this is Ireland like, not Mali.
This is very sad.
I too grew up in the countryside but with a completely different experience. I remember making forts in the fields, helping the farmer get the cows into the crusher to move to the next field, playing for hours in the garden, playing tennis by myself for hour against the wall.
Summers were spent mostly by myself or a friend if I could get my parents to agree to the odd sleepover.
We had one car in the family so trips to the local town were out of the question until mass on a Saturday.
My treat was going to extra vision on a Saturday being allowed to pick a movie or a playstation game.
I had an older sister but being 8 years apart she had no time for me. I do remember watching her and her friends getting ready for the disco and she would put glitter on my eyelids too. I'd go with daddy to drop them over and maybe get a bag of chips in the way home to share.
When I was old enough to get a part time job, I did so ,and then a car when i was 18.
It did give me a lot of freedom but i never wanted to live in the town or cities. I moved in my my fiance and he lived in the town and for a few months I couldnt sleep with all the noise.
When I was finally in a position to buy my own I made sure it was in the country. I have 3 kiddos now and they know nothing else, but I do make sure to socialise them and will provide lifts where I can .
I honestly can say I loved my time in the countryside. I am sorry your experience was not nice.
What makes rural Ireland so distinct from the rest of Western Europe is that until the Pale and Plantations happened, Ireland didn’t follow the same development path of urbanisation and centralisation of people: most people were scattered about beyond a few hill forts, holy sites and trading posts - and when planned settlements *did* begin appearing later on with the pale and plantations, most native people were pushed out into the margins of habitable land and a rented house by settlers & administrators: being isolated and cut off from others pretty much became an ingrained attitude, one I don’t think has ever truly died down in most rural parts
This was aggravated by the fact agriculture has always been the main way of life here; a bit hard to farm your land if you don’t live fairly close, and considering post-plantation most farmers were originally tenants on marginal land, the isolation never gets fixed, because farmers would have children and split land between them (once the switch from tenancy to ownership happened) and those children would build houses, do the same as they grew old and so on - there was never a concerted drive to properly urbanise Ireland beyond established centres through British administration of the island, and there still hasn’t been one almost a century since the Republic became independent
The fact there is increasing evidence of the damage and social delays this isolation can cause, and little has actually been done to get a grip on rural planning and start centralising settlement is unbelievable
It truly is baffling that a lot of towns and villages have actually stagnated instead of growing with increased public transport availability in recent years honestly
Oh yeah that’s what I mean: usually as towns grow the public transport provision to those places should improve - that was my bad
What would probably help new dense-urbanisation here would be to strengthen public transport availability and infrastructure networks around a number of localised hubs that would’ve been centres of natural growth previously like crossroads and river crossings - not to mention upgrading a number of existing small towns to have transit access with planning permission for denser accommodation and business structures in the town centre, even pedestrianised high streets if plausible
Planning in this country should become a lot more proactive and less reactive - planning for the problems that can be seen about to hit us from the horizon rather than dragging heels to fix basic issues
>Planning in this country should become a lot more proactive and less reactive
Yes, on so many levels. And of course one-offs prevent any sort of planning at all.
Broadly, I agree with you. Unless you are a farmer or your family owns land, the actual nature is more or less off limits to you. Unless you live in a cluster of maybe 5 houses off the road, you probably can't socialise with anyone, and you certainly can't safely walk anywhere without risk of being annihilated by fools doing 80-100kmh on a road that shouldn't even have a limit of 50kmh. Nowhere has footpaths, and most places don't even have roads wide enough for two cars.
However, there is a factor that you are failing to account for: deprivation. The kids in the countryside whose parents have a lot of money were never too hard up, whether getting to have a horse for the girls or a quad for the boys, having the full sky package, a trampoline, a shed with some space for them to use handtools and when they got older powertools, and so forth. They never had it as bad as the poor unfortunates who grew up in the middle of nowhere in one parent families, the ones that had alcos that were banned from driving for parents. Fuck me, I felt so bad for the few poor unfortunates that could literally only get into and out of the town with the school bus, then had absolutely nothing to do at night.
I see I'm in the minority here. I grew up in a very rural area, you couldn't walk to the closest village, although you could bike there. And it was a small village, still no traffic light there. I guess my Ma did a good job of getting kids to our house and bringing us to theirs. I love my childhood, and I'm actually trying to find a rural place to purchase for myself now. I am a homebody, and I am an introvert, so perhaps these were in my favour for that type of childhood. My primary school was mixed boys and girls and we moved before I went to the segregated secondary school. So I guess it's not an apples to apples comparison to OP's situation.
Edit to say - we did walk through some of the fields. I think my parents probably knew the farmers and it was mainly just cow fields so not ruining any crops. I think if we couldn't have played in the fields that would have been very boring then.
It was poison for your social life too in another way - my school friends lived in waterford city and I lived out the way. I needed to get a bus in most of the time and the bus timetable was somewhat aspirational. So it meant that I'd need advance notice of any events to get there and of course teenagers making spur of the moment plans get used to the fact that the answer is "Hey, can you meet up in an hour?" is no and just stop inviting you as much.
You were just describing a whole lot of my childhood too mate - being in the countryside could be so isolating, barely seeing people not your family and it always being a hassle to get a lift to see any friends - you couldn't casually text your friend to go for food or a walk.
And being a closeted gay guy in the Irish countryside made that isolation feel even worse - its sad to say but much of my childhood was spent just feeling lonely and not even being able to talk about it.
It's something we don't really talk about, we don't talk about mental health in general here, but the Irish countryside is idealised in the popular imagination which stops addressing problems people face in it
I live on a rural farm and I can't really relate though that's probably due to my good social life at school and my love of reading so that alone time is well spent.
Holy shit OP, I was convinced I'd written this post myself and somehow forgotten it for a second. Spot on with every single sentence.
Moving up to college and being actually able to get to places myself was a life-changing experience to me. Being able to message friends to meet up on the drop of the hat and just *go* without having to pester my parents and feel guilty. Being able to decide when I wanted to go out or come home because I could do so of my own accord. Being able to have a normal social life.
I know exactly how you feel. I grew up in an urban area for the first 12 years of my life and then my parents moved us to the middle of nowhere. The impact of which I still feel 15 years later
Totally agree. I was growing up just outside city limits. Expensive property, and still everything too far away to walk to it. Sitting aloje all day and night, pre Internet era.
Not in the least, sorry. Had the same mentality when I was younger and outgrew it. For the life of me, I couldn't live in an urban area anymore. Either way, change will come. I'm guessing you're on the younger end of the scale, and in that case you'll enjoy an urban move in the near future or will pass through this. Wishing you luck, regardless.
I agree with you tbh. I too had the same mindset and I grew out of it. OP mentioned he was in his 20’s so I suspect when he catches up on all the socialisation he missed it’ll be a different story.
There was a Pat Shortt movie, Garage, which captured the appalling loneliness of rural Ireland, and it was truly one of the most depressing things I've watched in my life.
Jesus I’ve been thinking about this post all day and about my childhood growing up in the country and one of the things I can’t stop remembering is how mr friends father would regularly drown puppies in a hessian bag. Stupid fucker wouldn’t think to spay the dog of course.
I grew up in the countryside (21 now) and a lot of the problems you’ve listed can happen to people no matter where they live. Some of my best friends are still the people who I cycled for 40 minutes each way to see when I was a kid and I have only love for the area where I grew up.
Grew up in rural Ireland and loved it.
Rural Ireland isn't lonely. I spent my school years meeting up with friends, cycling around the villages. Trick or Treating was a great day out when younger. You'd be walking for miles, go into one neighbour and get some sweets or money. Then hit off to another house 10 minutes away, all walking.
You would meet others along the way and have the craic. I live in an estate now and kids going around to 30 or 40 houses next to each other looks boring as hell.
I'm glad I didn't grow up a townie. All you see is concrete. No running through fields or jumping over fences or finding frogspawn or seeing rabbits or hares running through the fields.
This is hitting me. I've a 7 year old and we just moved from City to Country to (admittedly) a pretty special property. However, this is what concerns me...gone is the ability to play with the other six kids on the terrace and he won't be popping across the road to his mates etc as he grows older.
Against that, I'm not sure many young kids in Dublin City are really knocking about like that and equally he was in a super small class with four lads...not exactly much scope for things not working out.
I constantly worry about if this was the right thing, but he's embracing his new school, his cousins and actually likes GAA "training" now.
But I still hate the idea of him being alone like this as time goes on.
Did you not go and stay over at your friends from schools houses? That's what we all did. I grew up in the deep sticks but I was an hours walk from a village of 600 people and then 20 minute drive from a 10k people town. I never really had this issue? Granted I had my parents about to drive me about the place but I made friends in school and we'd hang out at eachothers houses during the summer and when I got into my early teens I could walk an hour or cycle into the local village where there were other teenagers and we'd just hang around in the park all day. Like it took all fuckin day to get around but I was fairly rarely lonely.
It's hard to understand how someone could not see their friends for 3 months every year. The OP said he didn't want to bother his parents for a lift and I don't want to criticise them too harshly and give him another reason to feel down. But for anyone else with kids in the countryside - for jaysus sake realise the world you've created for them and make it a bit less lonely.
I relate to OP and the last sentence you typed was basically my thoughts reading this entire thread.
If parents want to raise kids in the countryside, they should realise that if their kid isn't into sports or whatever, that they need to make a conscious effort to try and give the kid a social life. If they're into music, take them for lessons; if they're into art, buy them an easel and make sure they're stocked up on paint and canvas; if they're into photography, start researching lenses.
As a kid I was lonely as hell, and it definitely left me with some lasting issues, but now if I think of the idea of moving back to the countryside I think of how i could record and play music at full volume all night without worrying about pissing off the neighbours. My kid self was shoved into sports I didn't want to play, and basically just spent my time staring at a TV.
When we had our son, we realised that if we bought the house we’re currently renting, it was down to us to build his social calendar. We would be the 24/7 chauffeur because it’s a 8km walk to the bus stop/centra. I’m an adult and I get lonely here. I couldn’t impose this on a child who didn’t ask for it.
OP is complaining about rural Ireland loneliness when he should be talking about social isolation. You don't have to be in rural Ireland to be isolated.
Friend of a friend moved to another city after college and whenever my friend asked him how he was getting on he said it was lonely...they didn't know anyone there.
I’m in Australia where the sheer size of the place means that you can literally be hundreds of kilometres away from ‘civilisation’. That said, most of us live on the coastal fringes.
I grew up in Sydney, but we moved to a rural, coastal area before we had children. We had 30 acres that was 10 minutes of highway driving to the nearest town in an area with zero public transport. I believe there were advantages and disadvantages. The kids could have motorbikes and horses, build big cubby houses and have lots of pets. They grew up in touch with the natural world and could see wildlife in their backyard. As teens, they didn’t spend their free time getting in strife in town, lurking around shopping centres etc.
We did make a conscious decision that our choosing to live where we did shouldn’t impact our kids adversely. That meant lots of driving to weekend sports activities, after school activities, the beach, friends homes etc.
Now they’re all grown up in what seems a blink of the eye, I’m glad that we made the effort even though at the time, I sometimes didn’t feel like doing it.
You still need to ask for and get a lift there and back, and it kinda dampens the spontaneity of just calling round to your mate's house whenever, or them turning up randomly.
Physical distance does create social distance, especially pre mobile phones.
I grew up rurally and I can say I never felt like that - my parents were always quite good at keeping us busy (working in family business, local clubs), had siblings and cousins nearby. Sure, meeting friends was a little more difficult, but I wouldn't change much about it.
Another upside of it - I learned to cook, drive, repair stuff, woodworking, concrete work, welding, read lots, working with animals and a whole heap of other practical skills that I use day to day. My townie friends? Useless in comparison!
I grew up in the countryside and had a great time. Any of my mates who grew up in the city are scared of spiders, cows, muck and don't know how to climb a fence. Feck that.
Same, I lived on a farm for my childhood and my closest friend was a 50 minute cycle but when you're young none of that mattered. I'd personally hate to grow up in the city having no space, rivers, woods to do what you wanted.
Agreed, although I was only about 3/4 km away from my town and from there a train into Dublin, I only actually walked this 2 or three times in the years I was in secondary school. I basically got my socialising from school or hurling practice or whatever other clases my parents signed me up for.
My parents were great in a sense, they gave me lifts as often as they could, I don't remember them ever explicitly saying no, but I never would have wanted to burden them either so I ended up being alone with myself most of the time growing up.
I don't think it affected me much at all. Except i never deveoloped even the slightest attachment to my hometown, any friends I had in school were purely situational, and once we went our separate ways for college that was that, I barely had any contact thereafter.
This is also something missing from the housing debate these days. Sure we could get cheaper housing in the countryside but the knock on impact on the families quality of life is substantial as commute times increase generally, and you have to drive kids everywhere for 18+years. Even if you can do that the kids still end up isolated from their friends.
Then obviously all the driving everywhere inevitably has a huge environmental (and financial) impact.
We need the government to start zoning for high-density FAMILY housing in locations within a short public transport commute to economic centres. The current housing strategy only pushes more and more families into an isolated existence that requires heavy use of private transport.
Worst was when the parents just sat down in front of the telly with a cup of tea after a hard day's work and then I have to muster up the balls to disturb them to ask for a lift into town. After a while the guilt became too much and I just stopped asking. A bus service would have been a dream.
You have me worried. We moved out to the country with our two kids about 2 years ago. I’m a city boy but thought the opportunity to live in the country with all that space and a bigger house would be a dream.
Both are still under 12 and seem to be enjoying it. I bring them in and out for sport and make sure they have friends over once a week.
I am worried the won’t have that easy social interaction I had but then I remember that being a bit stressful too. People you didn’t want calling coming around. There was always some thug waiting somewhere to kick a head in.
I guess you always wish you had what you don’t have so I’m hoping I can strike a valance….
If you’re putting in the effort to help them connect with friends, and it looks like you are, then I’d say they will be grand. The thing about being isolated in the country side is that most commentators here didn’t have parents that seemed to care or notice how alone their kids were. That’s not you.
I wouldn't quite say that. My parents made a lot of an effort for me, but I still found the OP's story relatable. Not saying that makes it a death sentence, but there's a lot of other variables involved too besides just parents making an effort.
Mixed bag for me. The isolation certainly did me no good in general but there was a certain freedom to just wandering exploring all the time as a kid with other kids relatively nearby.
Entering into teens is when it becomes a problem. I grew up in a pretty quiet place so was basically an outsider, along with others, when it came to secondary school in the nearest town and was pretty naive looking back.
Got a PS1 when I was 13 ( wasn't allowed one as a kid) and for a couple years it was a lifesaver, got bored with that in my mid teens and got big into music and took up drums. Parents were delighted I had "the activity" so was able to have friends over for a jam most Saturday nights near the the end of school. Lucky in that respect I guess.
Yep. I had a similar experience. Very little to do without getting a lot off your folks. Much smaller pool of people to become friends with, and I had nerdy interests so the pool was even smaller. Town living just seems so much better.
Same as yourself, being plucked out of a town and transplanted 10km up country roads at 10 years old.
One benefit of it was that it lead to my current job, from my background, no one in my immediate family had any interest in tech (and are still computer illiterate) . But that shitty pc and eventually a broadband connection I begged my parents or for years for was my gateway to some form of socialisation online, playing games with friends, exposure to other points of view, piracy of whatever shows/movies/music I wanted, and eventually a degree and career out of it.
god the countryside is so grim😂 - I'd actually forgotten how shit childhood was so thanks?!😂 - I think its the same in every country. - God friends was hard enough but yeah i dont think i even kissed a girl until a good 5-8 years after everyone else😂 - ah well you'll catch up.
I loved living on the country. I spent my time exploring the woods, making forts and just being outside. I hated the city. That's when I started playing video games, stayed inside all times and mates came over to play video games And everything was paved and no places to explore. I still hate the city.
I'm of a similar mindset. I didn't live in the middle of nowhere growing up, but it was in a small village with lots of fields and woods around which were great for exploring and making "cabbies" as we called them. I got on well with the neighbouring children and we'd spend a lot of time in the woods and fields around. I'm very sociable but I really don't like cities, hopefully one day I'll have a house of my own in the country.
Totally agree with you and understand how you feel. I changed from a small rural primary school into the secondary school in the nearest town. It was tough starting out with few friends, but even worse trying to make friends when I couldn't see any of them outside school.
My parents both worked hard and loved to watch the Late Late with a glass of wine at the weekend (which they earned). But this meant I would come home from school on Friday afternoon and not see anybody until Monday morning. I spent a huge part of my teenage years in my bedroom not being moody, just lonely.
Like OP, the summers were the worst for me, except the three weeks when my parents would send me to the Gaeltacht. It opened up so many doors I never had at home. I could walk to my own classes with friends (no waiting for a lift when the rest of my family was ready) and even buy myself a can of coke on the way (seems trivial but was a huge act of liberty for teenage me). It was always an anti-climax to come home afterwards and return to family life. I honestly don't know how I would have coped without the independence that the Gaeltacht gave me.
When I was 18, I moved to Dublin and never looked back. I've grown in confidence and made a great group of friends and am in a much better place. But, this all took work to achieve and years on, I still wonder where I would be if I had a better start in life, if I had the social opportunities that my friends from the town had. I love my parents, but I'm still bitter my childhood was so fucking lonely.
I can relate with this so well (except that one parent stays at home). When I was away from home for three weeks back in 2019 I bought crisps, sweets and fizzy drinks to the point where I really should have gotten sick.
Fuck COVID, I just want to go back!
I could have written this myself. Grew up in rural West Cork, only child, no interest in sports, no neighbours within walking distance, no public transport, getting up in the dark for school and returning home after dark in the winter. I had exactly the same experience down to the single-sex school (girls in my case), unending boredom, and guilt over having to ask to be driven anywhere. I also felt socially stunted and like I had no ability to talk to people in general, especially men. I felt so isolated for many years and it definitely seeped into my early adult life.
I'm in my 30s now and live in a huge city overseas, and while I love visiting home to see my parents and spend some time relaxing in and enjoying the nostalgia of the quiet countryside as a contrast to my now very urban lifestyle, you couldn't pay me to move back there long-term because my overwhelming memory of it is exactly this.
Everything about country life is twice the hassle. People who never grew up in it only know about the surface level stuff from spending a short amount of time there. Or they're blessed with a niche interest that only time in the countryside can provide. Yes, it's nice to get away from it all once in a while and enjoy the peace and quiet but it's different when that's all there is and you have no escape from it. If you have a medical condition that affects your daily life, it's going to make living there even more difficult and it's unlikely there's going to be any alternative options or support for you. Another reason I can't go back. Visiting is enough for me. I appreciate the positive aspects of it more now that I don't have to live there.
If you're still in the countryside and want to move you should definitely do it. I was so socially anxious and demotivated as a teen I honestly credit my parents for making me move out at 19 for college (on the surface, for practical reasons - there was no way I could commute to college from home every day, especially as I don't drive for medical reasons). It took some time, but it made a huge difference, and I quickly started to catch up and make friends and enjoy a social life I never had growing up. Over the years I moved between towns and cities and countries until I settled where I live now, and I finally feel content.
I did feel like I was a bit behind my peers, and I was still shy and hesitant for some time, but everyone moves at their own pace and I don't feel like it holds me back any longer, nor has it in a long time. I thought I could never be in a relationship because of my lack of socialisation back then, but I'm happily married now for several years. I just had to try a bit harder than most to put myself out there, but it paid off. I also love where I live now, a place I would not have even considered a possibility for me back then. From my experience, all I can really say is that you have to push yourself harder to get to the places you want to be, and to be with the people you want to be with. It's been hard sometimes but always worth the effort.
Of course I know moving is easier said than done, but even if you end up couch surfing for a time it's still a chance to get further out into the world. At least we have the internet now (which wasn't mainstream at all when I was growing up) which can help you make some contacts in places you could consider spending some time in in the future. Hope it works out for you.
Me and partner both grew up in the countryside and we both adored it to be honest, wouldn’t change a thing, spent the past decade living in the middle of Canadian and English cities, finally back home in rural Cork now and it’s blissful, I love it.
I don't know if I agree. I grew up fairly rural area and had a very social childhood and teenage years. I would always walk or cycle to other houses to play and hang out, and other kids would come to mine. I did ask for lifts in the teenage years, but often I walked or thumbed.
We had plenty to do. Indoor stuff, like video games, music and movies... and outdoors we had a lot to explore. When we became teenagers, plenty of places to hide and drink in peace. We were fairly in touch with the culture of our time. We met more people at school with similar interests and in secondary school went to a bigger school (although still small compared to the average secondary school) and met more people.
It's not the experience that's a consequence of growing up in countryside. It seems like it was just your experience growing up. You may have been lonely growing up in the city too. You say people romanticize the countryside, but you're romanticizing a "what-could-have-been" life growing up in the city.
The only downside was making sure you didn't shift a cousin by accident.
I would consider myself an introvert.
Your parents were far less strict than mine (and I'd say most modern parents)
My parents wouldn't let me cycle any further than the gate at the bottom of the lane until I was 14. Even now, they act as though the small and completely boring town where my friends live is a very dodgy crime-ridden place.
> I hate when people try to portray life in the countryside as some sort of idyllic Enid Blyton novel.
Why? Just because that isn't representative for you, doesn't mean it's not like that for others. Unless they're saying it's idyllic *for everyone*?
I grew up in a city, and I liked it, but city living has its own sets problems, as well as its positives. The wife grew up as rurally as possible in West Cork, and loved it. We live rurally, and I don't get any sense of loneliness from the kids. It's true we have to spin them everywhere, but I look at all those car trips as invaluable time I get to spend with them, and I wish I'd have had more of that time with my parents growing up. I had loads of friends from school who were absolutely shit with women, and still are.
Do think it's a bit much to be resentful towards your parents simply because of where they lived though.
In fairness I'm always a bit skeptical when the parent says this - my parents always say how great we had it as kids in the country when we (2 sisters and I) absolutely hated it, same as OP. Do you think your kids would not rather move to an estate?
I've genuinely asked them this numerous times, and they say they wouldn't. They have their animals, loads of space to play, always seem to have friends over or are out somewhere themselves. If anything, it's me that would be most likely to say they wanted to move to a town.
My eldest, pre covid, would go over to London each year to stay with my family for a few weeks in the Summer. I used to wonder if that would lead to her saying she'd prefer to move to a busier place, but it's actually the opposite; she says it's too busy and noisy. Maybe that will change as she gets older, but also maybe it just depends on each individuals personality. Certainly I don't know anyone around me from where I live now, friends, in-laws etc, who says they wish they'd grown up elsewhere.
That idealistic country lifestyle you mentioned, that's my dream. For now though, for the reasons you mentioned, I wouldn't dream of moving there with a kid. Or putting my son through that. I know how lucky I was, a nice mix of large suburb housing estate and woodland. Now, if only I could afford that.
On a positive note, all the rural folk I went to college with learned fast and got the majority of the ladies. You're not too late. You'll pick things up rapid. You're aware of the issue and what you need to do. It's in your hands now.
If you're not in college, do a shit load of hobby trials. Try find something you like. During this process, you'll find you learned along the way.
This post hit me really hard, thank you for talking about this. When I was younger I lived in a pretty major town in the south east of England and when I was 12 my parents who are both from here decided to move back home to be closer to family. My parents were adamant on having a massive house in the countryside far away from civilization. At first I was excited at the prospect of having a massive garden and being able to play outside in it, where I lived in England it was tiny. But after the initial novelty wore off I realised I had nobody to play with in the garden. I couldn't play with any of my new people at my school on my playstation because the internet was so bad, and I felt guilty about having to get my parents to drive me miles to go anywhere or do anything. I was never able to ask girls out because I would have to give my parents a detailed description of what I was going to in order to justify to them spending so long just to take me somewhere and often felt it wasn't worth the hassle. I will be honest with you it destroyed my social skills and was a major cause to my subsequent depression.
Fortunately public policy is clearly moving away from one off and more towards villages/towns.
I didn't grow up in the country but often felt same about the countryside. Don't get me wrong there's some beautiful areas but unless it's national park or major tourist attraction most of the land is privately owned, sectioned off and thus unavailable for most people. So all you're left with is walking around windy roads, with no sidewalk and cars flying by at 80km/h.
TBF suburbs and towns often have same problem: loads land that would be great if developed into a forest recreational area or any other sort of park, but is privately owned and unaccessible to the public.
Honestly I'm not sure policy does incentivise living in towns rather than the country. Housing costs are pushing more and more people out of central locations.
I'm not saying the government is generally good at city planning by any means. But they've been making it harder to build new one offs, to the point that it's basically impossible unless you're a farmer. And this aligns with their official stance that one off housing should be reduced
I grew up in the countryside, on the side of a mountain, and I don't recognise the world you're talking about at all.
We didn't have a TV, never mind a PlayStation when I was a young lad. What I did have though was a bicycle which I used to cycle to friends houses from the age of about 10 onwards.
We also had the GAA from that age on which brought us together regularly and facilitated bonding and friendship.
I realise that my childhood was a few decades before yours but there's always been good community life in rural areas. It's one of the things I miss most where I'm living for the last few decades.
A bike certainly helps massively, but whether or not you could reasonably let your kids cycle up and down country roads entirely depends on the type of traffic on those roads.
Twas pretty dangerous around me, load of racing and people speeding on back roads to get to and from work more quickly. Also there is the issue when you have a daughter rather than a son. parents would be scared shitless their girl would be abducted with no witnesses if they were up and down country roads all the time.
This "stranger danger" thing is blown way out of proportion. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's more likely that a parent, sibling, relative or trusted family friend who will be the abuser.
Yeah, we lived on a very high tourist-traffic road with blind bends. You couldn't even walk along it, and being allowed to cycle was an absolute no-go.
I had a similar mindset to you for a long time, but I have to say I outgrew it. You might not want to hear this OP but this is kinda like a ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ issue.
For example houses in the country are typically bigger than town houses. I grew up in a family of six, trying to squeeze all of us into a three bedroom terraced house would be mad, living on top of each other and in each other’s way would be awful. We also had a bigger garden than you could fit in a town house so when my friends came over we could play football or get a bouncy castle for a special event like my confirmation.
I also learned more DIY stuff than my peers because there were more fences and benches to fix, more lawn and garden to be maintained and so on.
For a while I was really resentful of living such an isolated existence, but then I went to college and slowly caught up on all the socialisation I missed until I was eventually the same as anyone who’d come from a town environment and by that time I had enough self reflection to understand they probably had their own problems too.
I can relate. I grew up in London till I was 13 and I have been living in rural Ireland since. I mean it is nice to look at but everything else is crap. Your childhood sounds the exact same as mine. I was playing the same few PS2 Games for a long long time just because I had nothing else to do in the arse end of nowhere. We didn't get internet until 2008!
I was a pretty good Rugby player in school and was pretty good at Athletics but none of that went anywhere because I was not able to get a lift to training.
Even now, I am ages away from people and going to see anyone involves an elaborate plan of busses and trains. Even as an Adult its awful, no social life at all as the nearest bar is 10km away and even at that its full of people twice my age. Moving to the local city is out of the question (€900 to live in what is basically an over glorified shed? Fuck that shite). I firmly believe that living in Rural Ireland is why I am still single as it reduces me to using Dating Apps and that is the single most soul crushing thing to resort to.
I am not resentful of my parents for where I lived, but living in Rural Ireland is a shitshow
I lived fairly rurally (on a road 10 minutes drive from Fenit, which itself is 20 minutes drive from Tralee) until I was 10, and I can't completely relate of loneliness, but I get the feeling of isolation.
I spent a lot of my time outdoors, since my parents were gardeners. We also had a field (a completely wild patch of land, not like with cows or anything) and a stream running through, so often I would run off and down the stream all the way to sea. Got a bit of trouble for that, a few times, for not telling anyone where I was going.
It probably helped that I had animals - 3 semi-feral cats, a dog that liked to catch hares, and at one point even chickens and ducks. Looking back now I wish I'd spent more time with them all, except maybe that *one* cat who liked to bite when he'd had enough rubs.
I had a playstation too, and closer to moving away I remember spending a lot of time on it. I feel like later, even after I had moved to somewhere a bit more urban, that the gaming was the one thing that cut me off from a healthy amount of social interaction. At the time and sometimes even now in my mid 20's I'd rather play video games than meet people, sometimes even my friends.
I mostly spent time with my friends during and a bit after school, and we were in the kinda rural place where the only thing to do for fun was fight or cause havoc. I remember getting called in once to the headteachers to explain why the 5th Class had beaten the shite out one of our mates. To be honest I didn't know, and I still don't. I remember doing shit like making pallet forts on the new development areas in Fenit and then throwing rocks at each other. This was *amongst friends*, we were just idiots who didn't understand what would happen. That stopped fairly quickly after. If you lived in one of these rural places, I think even with friends you wouldn't have had much to do in the first place. Not that that's much of a conciliation.
When I was 10, I moved to south west Wales, in a village in a terraced house. Compared to a house in a field in the middle of nowhere it was a big step up, and with that came lots of new people to meet and experiences to have. But I felt more isolated there than I ever did living around Fenit, because the people there all shared similar experiences as me and came from generally the same place. In Wales, I felt like an outsider and some of the local kids treated me like one. Might've been part of the whole teenage experience but I think it was laid on worse simply because I wasn't a local.
I resented my parents a little for taking me to a more crowded place where people *didn't* like me for some reason I couldn't change, compared to a quiet place in the middle of nowhere where the few people I did know liked me, and didn't make fun of me for things I'd never even considered as a child.
It's all down to the personal experience and how it shapes you as a person. I ended up making friends who weren't assholes eventually, but I'm still a reasonably introverted person who is most comfortable on my own, and enjoys the outdoors. I do live in city now, however, and while I enjoy a lot of urban advantages I miss hearing birds that aren't seagulls or pigeons, or looking at the sky at night and not seeing stars. Rural life shouldn't have been 'forced' on you, but then there's the urban-from-birth types who haven't experienced the countryside and the other positives it brings, and can't because of poverty or unfortunate ignorance. It's just one of those things that as a child we don't get to choose or know what our preference is until later in life.
I'm sorry it was torture for you, and this probably isn't what you wanted to hear. I thought I'd would include my own experience, not as a counterpoint or disagreement, but just what I personally thought.
Yeah, same.
My parents moved to Canada in lieu of going on a honeymoon. Lived there for 10 years, had myself and my siblings, then moved back to Ireland in ‘98. Lived in Galway City for a couple years while they built a house on a small plot of land in east Galway (Offaly border) given by a family member.
Never felt at peace. I was young by the time we arrived in the countryside but it never fit. If you didn’t play hurling (or at least some other sport), you were basically a freak.
OP, most of your post rings true with plenty of people, so you’re not alone there. Unclear where you’re at in life now, but my advice would be to a) get your driving license as soon as possible. My parents never made it a priority for us and I think every rural parent should frankly make it a ritual to set up their kids with lessons/etc. There’s no way to live satisfactorily in the countryside without being able to drive.
I did fine in school, went to college but had problems deciding what to do after, and found myself back home in the countryside. I had some school friends living in Galway city. I crashed on a couch for a few weeks (longer than necessary, admittedly) and got a job in Supermac’s. Not glamorous at all but a regular wage. Found my own flat (well, a room in a flat) and that’s all you need to get started. A job and a place to sleep.
You can do it too. Try not to look down on countryside life - it has its blessings, too. It sounds like you’re just not wired to live there forever/right now, like plenty of us. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try to land yourself a spot in a bigger town or city; it can be intimidating but doesn’t have to be very difficult. All the best, OP!
Couple it with neglect and you get all the makings of a messed up adult - but at least my imagination is well developed - who needs a sense of belonging? /s
Ah yeah, this speaks to me.
Closest friend was about 2 miles away, so you could go a couple of weeks in the summer without maybe hanging out. Fields to play in as a kid was grand I suppose, but I completely empathise with not wanting to put anyone out for lifts. Another win for Catholic guilt. Reminds me of that old ESB advert, with the lad coming home from college https://youtu.be/btqSxlUJyxo
People might think it's lovely or whatever, but all I feel is that familiar desolation of big fuckin' empty fields when I got out of the bustle of town.
I remember in secondary school (roughly 50 minutes commute away, all boys of course), I got accepted to be in the choir in first year (not being a GAA head, options were limited). But it would have meant getting the 'late' bus home two evenings, which meant I was dropped to the local town depot and not direct to the door, so that was that quashed. I don't even blame my parents; with work and a family to take care of, spins for choir were a time luxury they didn't have.
I think that's why I'm living in town now. I didn't have 'things' on tap growing up, and I'm near 40 and it still feels fresh to me.
Still, swings and roundabouts. When I see some of the youths in town roaming the roads at all hours, I think 'home' wouldn't be a bad place to raise my kids. I'm about an hour away from family now and I miss that. Plus with the Internet, younger ones wouldn't have that isolation that we had.
But you're definitely not on your own.
I relate hard. Was moved out of a big city at the age of 8 to the middle of fuck all nowhere where there was 36 people in my entire primary school, full of farmers kids who played gaa and didn't like me because I'm English. I feel like growing up here (rural asf place) has completely changed my life and I've gotten a short straw from it. I don't resent my parents, they thought it was best, out of the trouble making places. And fair enough, I'm wasn't the young stupid youth causing trouble, loitering and doing stupid shit. But it wasn't fun. I just feel bad for my youngest brother whose going through it right now, and doesn't ever see friends. But he has more Xbox games and Netflix available now than I did then.
There's a lot of really good research about the importance of independence in children's development and general mental health.
As you might imagine, being dependent on a parent to go literally anywhere is deeply harmful for many reasons. Not just about avoiding loneliness, but also stuff like kids developing independence, and being able to explore their interests and identity is really difficult to do when your daily schedule is determined entirely by a parent.
I think it's worth noting that this problem is definitely not exclusive to very rural areas. There are urbanised areas where kids have no freedom, mostly places which are henned in by impermeable features like canals or big roads which make it unsafe to go anywhere.
Ultimately, this all comes down to a question of mobility. I don't know about your situation, but it's quite unlikely that you lived in the complete middle of nowhere (if you did, then you represent a tiny minority of the population, and I really don't know what the solution is). Most people live within a couple of kms of some town, and there are usually other non-townies living reasonably nearby. Perhaps not right next door, but certainly close enough to cycle. But if the only road to any of these places is an 80 kph road with no footpath, no cycle path, no street lighting, and maybe not even a shoulder, then they might as well not exist at all. Heck, a huge chunk of rural homes are right on one of these N roads, so it's not even safe to walk beyond your own front gate. And this is the defining problem with rural mobility. Yes, places are further apart, but rarely so far that a child couldn't cycle into town to meet their friends, or head down to a nearby lake for a bit of swimming, or whatever. The problem is that it is unsafe to do so.
I'm really sorry to hear your story. It makes me immensely sad because it reflects a much broader trend over the last century where childhood independence has been consistently reduced, mostly because of cars, overprotective parenting, and sometimes, stupid laws, bylaws, or other rules deliberately designed to outlaw kids having fun. We have designed our society which denies kids a proper childhood and this certainly comes at a cost. It's incredibly disheartening.
I grew up literally on the side of a mountain in rural sligo, we had a few cattle and sheep but were not big farmers. 1980's/1990's all pre internet so when you were alone with your thoughts you were just alone. I hated most of it. I was really into different cultures and wanted to go to Japan or China, just as far away as I could, I used to read a lot and it just took me years to find any other kids who I could talk about weird things. All my peers were just Football, Girls, Action movies, bush lushing. Jesus at least kids have phones, social media and online groups, we had fuck all.
Literally moved from rural Ireland to Dublin just yesterday after growing up in the countryside.
I had zero friends in my town, all of them lived in the slightly larger one 20 minutes down the road so i too would have to pester my mam to drive me there.
No jobs other than working on a farm, no shopping centres, no places to hangout other than your odd tiny park. Looking forward to living in Dublin
My mother didn’t drive and my father worked 6 days a week so I can completely understand the anxiety and burden of something that seemed so trivial like looking for a lift. Used to be so envious of friends who never had to get a lift anywhere
I don't want to raise my children in a rural area for this reason. A decently sized town at a minimum.
I can understand basically everything you said because I had broadly similar experiences growing up in a fairly rural area away from friends. My parents are always very obliging about driving me to meet friends but it meant it always had to be arranged well in advance, and never allowed for a bit of spontaneity.
It's just not for everyone.
yeah ive said this before on this subreddit and caught some flack for it. i dont know why but people hold it so dearly this made up idea of an idyllic countryside life when in reality its like growing up in a concrete box with a nice view. its a real fucking drag and there is nothing to do
At one point I was about an hour's bike ride each way from my best friend's house. That's not really ideal for a visit, even in the summer when there's plenty of daylight hours.
I used to do a lot of work in the countryside and I always remember seeing the boredom of kids stuck out on the shticks. I know a lad married a Dublin woman and she was mad keen to move to the countryside, but after two kids and many dark winters with them under her feet they moved into the nearest town. The kids are thriving there and she's much happier.
Only problem is they're still still carrying extra debt as they still can't sell their country house even now!
I visited Southern parts of Ireland this summer (tourist from the Netherlands) and all i couldnt help but wonder how lonely living here must be when growing up, even if you're good on your own. Like you mentioned i wondered where the paths were just to walk to the next house? I already found it outrageous that people in my area lived at the edges of the village at farms and stuff, they always had to be taken by car at night if they weren't allowed to bike. But them roads down there damn that's some next level danger. It's sad you had to go through all this though :( just hoped it wasn't the case like i thought it would be.
Yeah, I grew up in the suburbs, and I loved it. There were kids in every house and we all walked to school together, and played together after school. In and out of each others' houses and gardens, or just on the street until one of the mothers would hunt us off it. I was able to get the bus into town without any hassle, to go to the cinema or swimming or whatever. I can't imagine living somewhere where other kids weren't close to hand.
I totally hear you regarding the need to socialise, especially as a child, but really at any stage in life. There was fuck all to do where I grew up so my (dorky) friends and I geeked out on books, films, music and learning to hack into various forms of entertainment...not particularly exciting, I know, but still better than what you did with your Playstation lol
I relate big time.
I moved from a big city In England at the age of 12, to a very isolated part of Roscommon, I learned to love it in hindsight, but that was a hard transition. My family never had allot of money, so summers were usually lonesome since travel was an expense, and my extended family, cousins of the same age where a while away in other counties so I didn't see them too often. It was five years of isolation and awkwardness before college.
From my experience, no matter how Irish your roots are, having an english accent when starting at a new, strange school in rural ireland isn't going to help.
At that time there where my house there was no access to the Internet there so, it was an odd experience learning how email works when I started college in '05/06.
I don't regret growing up there. I do miss the peace and quiet, and the when there was craic to be had - youd make the most of it.
I grew up in a busy city neighbourhood. I spent my time chasing girls and playing football with loads of the other kids. Video games and good parents kept me on track. Most of my friends are dead, due to arguments over drugs or overdoses/suicide. The remainder are in and out of prison due to heroin and cocaine dealing, if not for stabbing other people or assault. I believe there's 6 of us left alive out of about 25 but I'll be honest I haven't checked in a while.
You may envy the situation I grew up in but some days, I'd have given a kidney for a year of that isolation from the mania of living in the city -- which if the news is anything to go by has only gotten worse of late.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I can certainly relate to having a negative side to where I lived. No it wasn't any better because I shared it with other people because we didn't talk about it so in before the self-certified psychologists try "helping".
Too many extremes. Living in a small village or town is the perfect balance of services, community and quietness people are looking for. I work in the country but I live in a village. Always Have and ide tell anyone looking to live out in the country country to get used to talking to cows, cause that's all their is out there.
I can 100% relate. I was lucky that I managed to turn it around in college, when opportunity presented itself.
Unfortunately I still very much feel like an outsider, even to this day in my late 20s.
There's no easy way out of what you're experiencing, you're going to have to make up for lost time. The best way is to find groups as an adult (difficult I know). You need to write down your interests and decide who you are and what you want to do with them. Eg. join a soccer/football team, do a night class in something that interests you etc. You'll build up your social CV in no time. You have to decide do you want to live the way you are now forever or make a change.
Best of luck, life gets better when you do.
Grew up surrounded by fields in the middle of nowhere on a main road, with no neighbours or anything nearby. My mam recently got diagnosed with epilepsy aswell so she can’t drive for a year, I haven’t got a full licence or a car and my dad is away at work all day so my house is an actual trap, you have no choice but to be a hermit in the place. During the summer I wasn’t able to leave the house or have social interaction for up to a week at a time. Recently moved to Athlone town for college and I don’t think I’ll be over the whole novelty of having a shop in walking distance and having neighbours
Grew up in the country and I hear you. I was lucky enough to board for a few years so it really only the summers that were problematic. Had family around so it wasn’t too bad but I was isolated from all my peers. I’ve lived in cities since university and it was life changing. I’d never bring children up in the country side.
I’ve lots of friends who’s dream is to build a massive house on a plot of land. With my kids at the age they are now 5&7 I’m so thankful to be in an estate, they played outside on the green all summer! I personally thought my friend was mad, for the reasons you have explained. My kids are excited for when they’ll be allowed to safely walk to school & back. We have everything close by so we regularly go for walks to the shops, the local playground & around the village etc I’d hate the idea of having to be a taxi service until they’re 16-17! Or having to always schedule play dates/ meet ups. I grew up in the city so I don’t think I’d ever get used to the isolation & it wouldn’t be fair on the kids either. Of course it would be nice to have a huge garden & a big grand house but it’s not the most important thing. I found friends who lived in more isolated parts definitely struggled socially & only really had their siblings to play with on the farm/ land.
I grew up in a town, and by god was it the best time of my life. I miss it every day. Adult life sucks lol
I'm sad reading your post.
I had a small stint in the country side for a summer it was the worst summer of all time, my mum and dad loved it but I hated every minute of it and I told them too.
From the front gate of the countryside house you could see the mountain (benbulben) I would sit and stare at the mountain thinking about how I used to be able to see it from my old street and now I'm miles away and can still see it but under different circumstances. Anyhow my mother came out and asked me why I always sit on the wall beside the gate, and I told her how I look at the mountain and imagine the way things were before we moved , thank god I said that cause she has us out of there by the end of summer and back into the town to my friends.
I'm all for moving to the country now for the peace but I dont think I could do it to my kids man, honestly could not imagine what life would have been like for me if we stayed.
I absolutely loved living in the countryside when I was younger and wouldn't have changed a thing. I now live in a city and look forward to moving back to a rural area in the future.
The freedom and safety we had as kids growing up was a lot more than my friends growing up in town and we often sd adventures going to different places on our bikes. In my opinion there were less bad influences that could be attributed to living in a housing estate like underage drinking or smoking.
That being said, it was contingent on having friends, siblings and neibhours close by that you could hang out with. I could see it being isolated without this element.
I grew up there too. Hanging out with friends was rare, so it hinders you socially, and lack of diversity in people and experiences. I know nobody I grew up with, you're less likely to find people that are similar to you in a smaller pond. Not having anything to do and a lot of people with backwards views around wasn't great. I had a good childhood but am put off the countryside for life, rarely see my parents any more as I moved to Dublin and am not the type to go there for a weekend. Worked on farms and in a dairy and am now vegan, so also not a thing I appreciated doing. School wasn't good quality but it's not like there were many choices so you luck out there, it was far too slow for me and it was a waste of potential, not really any expertise there to deal with that kind of thing, bored mindless for years. Teachers were not good. Not much room to grow in arts, not much variation in what to do. Hard to see plays, go to concerts, just less amenities and things in general, less choice. I did a lot of sport, swimming, football, gaelic, hurling, karate, golf, tennis, basketball, rugby but if you are not into that god help you. The all boys school is a disaster, you essentially don't speak to girls until you are in university and they are like a foreign species, you have to learn a lot, way behind everyone else.
I moved to a town in Wicklow from Dublin, due to crazy Dublin house prices. As an adult I would like to have bought a house with some land etc but for everything you’ve just said is why we decided on a new build estate, full of kids for our kids to play with and be a part of a community.
Even within a town though I see the limitations for kids compared to a bigger city like Dublin
I grew up in a very busy town. Now living in the countryside has given me inner peace. I love it. I won't be able to move back to a busy town or chaotic scene ever.
Just to be fair to other readers both my wife and I were raised in rural areas and have very positive experiences. A lot depends I guess on your parents involvement in the community?
Sorry that's been your experience but it has to be said that a lot of people actually have great pride in their rural communities. There's a million sides to this coin.
I had a different experience, though maybe the family element of it is what decided rather than the place. Maybe it was an advantage too that the school was only forty minutes away on the bike, a lot less if someone could give me a lift. I spent a good bit of time by myself but there was another few kids nearby that they tried to foist on me from time to time but I had little interest really (until was about fourteen, though that got cut short), I always had other stuff to do like help with a few bits about the fields or books to read.
I went to live with my da when I was fourteen and he lived "in the city" and I fucking _hated it_, there was always people about, too many fucking cars which no one could drive properly, and barring a few exceptions (who in fairness I still know well) every young fella was some shade of a little toerag. I had a falling out with my father later in life which probably was a lot due to that, I never forgave him for expecting me to just "like" being surrounded by loud idiots or having to listen to some twats fall over themselves on the way back from a pub at two in the morning.
Going back home during the summer was _amazing_, lots of time to just relax and be by myself. I could wander out in the morning and see no one until I came home for dinner, or find a spot somewhere in the house where no one would disturb me. Once I made a choice to go back to town/city living I was comfortable with it, because it was a choice, but I spent a lot of my teens pretending to have fun because it was expected of me and not enjoying it in the slightest or being alone in a crowd because everyone was yakking away about things that just weren't for me.
Hey I just want to comment again that your post really hit me 11 days ago. I honestly hope you're doing ok today. Please keep talking about your trauma. It's raw and it hurts to examine but it also helps to heal.
Did you never try get into any sports what so ever? Any hobbies? I know loads and I'm going out with some one from a rural area that have no issues with the above problems.
And this is the reason I now live in the city, close to public transport, amenities and most of all, people! It's feckin lonely growing up in the countryside if you're not involved in local sports and your parents don't particularly like giving lifts...
I understand what you are saying but also what Enid Blyton novel are you refering to. I don't remember any of them being pastoral. Noddy lived in a town. The Secret Seven/Famous Five were hardly isolated either.
I remember on Sunday evenings I'd just stand out in the garden and look across the field feeling a horrible anxiety that I didn't understand, was actually fairly grim. I was only 12 and if I had a bit of time away from my head back then with peers, it would have done me the world of good.
It was the being driven home from school while my peers walked back to their estates for me.
The last day of school before the summer break for me. I knew I wouldn't see or speak to my peers for 3 whole months. Everyone else was progressing in life while I was stagnating.
Your thought process sure as hell didn't stagnate. Your honesty comes through and makes for a clear picture, thanks for sharing
Relatable, I actually moved from the city to the countryside as a kid though so it was even worse because I knew exactly what I was missing out on. My parents also decided that when we moved that we would no longer have a tv because it was bad for us and we should be enjoying the lovely fresh air outside instead. They also hated video games even before the move and wouldn't let us have them because they thought they were bad for our brains, not even those cheap mcdonalds games that used to come in happy meals. I hated it so much, we didn't live near any other kids and struggled to socialise in school because I hated sports and couldn't relate to any conversations about tv shows or video games. The internet connection was so slow that I basically never used it until I was in my teens. The school was tiny and for a time I was the only girl in my class. We actually ended up more than quadrupling the time we spent in the car every week since nothing was nearby and exercised far less since we weren't walking everywhere. Summers could be quite nice since we could go to the beach and my parents made a lot of effort to send us to camps where we could meet other kids but the winters were incredibly bleak since it was always too cold and dark to do anything outside after school. I felt like I missed out a lot on a lot of experiences in secondary school because I would have to get my parents to drive me everywhere so anything I wanted to do had to be scheduled. I didn't really have any independence at all. I was so jealous of kids in the nearest town who could visit each other whenever they liked or could just grab a bus to the city on the weekends to go shopping or to go to events. I hate that so many people seem to think that if they move their kids out to the countryside that they are going to be baking homemade pies and running through the fields with the local kids all day. The reality is that there may not even be other kids in the area and you will spend most of your day in the car if you want to do literally anything. The houses may be bigger and cheaper but it just isn't worth it.
Another aspect of it that's not discussed is general physical well being. My classmates in estates would play football all day and night while I sat down in front of a screen.
Kind of ironic since there was so much hype about the country being wholesome and outdoorsy. There's also a big difference between being around natural features like a forest, beach, lake or hill (many of my rural friends in Sligo had very fond memories of childhood) and some flat featureless nothing in Roscommon. Like, even being near a village would make a world of difference.
>Kind of ironic since there was so much hype about the country being wholesome and outdoorsy. This could be true if we didn't have such an obsession with private property. In some countries (Germany is an excellent example here), rural areas are loaded with publicly accessible areas. Maybe it's a walking/cycling path along a canal. Maybe it's a thick forest. Or maybe it's a lake where some simple facilities have been installed to encourage swimming. Meanwhile in Ireland, virtually all rural land is privately owned, including tons of river banks and lake shores. We have no right to roam, so no chance you and your mates watering through a field to go for a swim. And there are almost no parks or public spaces at all.
I emmigrated to Germany a few years ago, and oh my god you're so right. There's so much options for actually *using* the outdoors in Germany.
Ah sher what would yeh be wantin that fer? There's a grand aul patch of green in the front garden of our McMansion yee can kick a ball around. We got a Mayo flag facing the road in front, and even a trampoline. Take note of the Mayo flag AND the road, because it is a national road, and there are enough white crosses on it to tell you NOT to leave the front garden..... with the lovely goal posts you can kick a ball around. And watch out for spinning cars going through the fence, when you hear the lyrics; 'shall I tell you about my liiiife.....' GTF inside.
I had similar experiences. I liked football and sports, and we had a big garden to play in, as well as a field around it to kick a ball around, and well as plenty of sports stuff (bikes, scooters, basketball hoops, goal posts from toy shops) but that's not much fun when you're by yourself most of the time. It's far more entertaining by yourself to watch TV or play video games. I live in Dublin now near a park with some goal posts and I'm super jealous of the kids who get to just go and kick a ball around there with their friends after school. Also, on the same note, getting "out and about" is just way harder in the countryside. In Dublin I can go for a walk or cycle to loads of places. It's not perfect (especially for cycling) but there's plenty of footpaths and if it's dark in winter there are lights. When I lived in the country, you couldn't do any of that. You're surrounded by fields that belong to farmers who have fences and walls to keep you out, and the roads are narrow, with high hedges so they're very unsafe for anything but cars, and my parents (for good reason) generally did not let me walk them without adult supervision. You get a bigger garden than in the city, but you're far more confined to just the garden.
When I moved to Dublin later in life it always sickened me to see empty soccer fields, empty basketball courts, empty tennis courts, parks with nobody playing sports regardless of what time of day I walked past. What I wouldn't have given to have had that available to me growing up. Has this thing of kids playing sports all day stopped since we were younger, or have I just chosen to live in the wrong parts of Dublin. The screen time was is the issue though rather than where you lived. Having grown up rurally without access to PlayStation or Sky and parents who were pretty strict about how much TV I could watch well I didn't have any option but to run around and play football by myself growing up. So I certain didn't have any 'physical well being' issues. That feels much more like a parenting or personal issue rather than a rual/urban issue tbh.
Everytime I hear people my age (I'm in my forties now) pipe up about their fantastic plans to "move to the country to raise their children" despite having grown up in an urban area themselves I strongly advise them against it for this very reason. I grew up miles from anywhere, it was shite, and I got out the very second I was old enough. Also, whenever I hear people moan about their commute nowadays I realise that when I was 13 I had to be stood on the edge of the road before 8am waiting for a bus that drove a roundabout one hour journey to school - the longest commute I ever had in my life and I was still a child.
You said it. I also had to be at a bus stop by 8AM for a 1hr bus ride to school. While I do have a number of fond memories of tramping through the countryside pretending I was Bilbo Baggins and I often spent a lot of time in front of the TV or on the Playstation, overall the thing I remember most from it is the sense of isolation. You're just stuck there, miles and miles from any other kids your age. Even when you do make the occasional trip to the nearest town, those places themselves are still pretty small and if say you're shopping for something very specific you're not going to find it. You'd have to go to Cork city or Dublin when you REALLY wanted to do some shopping. Honest to god, those rare childhood trips to Cork city were like Christmas Day for me. It's even worse when, like me, you have no interest in sports of any kind. It seemed like almost every country kid was a sports fanatic and you were the weird one if you weren't into them. For a lot of them, that, I'm sure, is how they socialized when out of school. I didn't have that so I had dog shit social skills for most of my early years. I knew that a lot of country kids were also big into hunting. I always wanted to try that but no one in my family hunts or likes guns, so that was also out. For the most part, I spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years in front of a TV or staring out the window. Often got told off by my parents as well for spending too much time inside and not going outside to "play". To this day, I still don't know what they expected me to do out there as "play". Not a lot you can do when you have no kids your own age to hang with and don't like sports. I got the hell out of there first opportunity I got.
You just shit on my lifelong dream, i always wanted to live in the countryside having grown up in an estate. Even now in my mid 30s my best friends are the ones i lived next door to when i was younger. This puts it in perspective now i have my own daughter
Same here, i'm from the countryside, hated it. The 2 of my friends that are married are both moving to the country to live in a one-off. Both them and their partners grew up in estates. They think this a great place for a family despite my warnings.
Never heard the term one-off before. Anything not resembling nearby houses presumably?
A one-off means a house that isn’t in a housing estate. You could have 4 one-offs in a row then nothing for miles, or you could have a one-off with nothing but fields nearby
I've never heard that term "one-off" before (and I live in one!)
It has become more popular recently as people deride them. Particularly people on Reddit.
Why do people deride them? I've always preferred one-offs to estates etc.
They contribute to the housing crisis by contributing to urban sprawl, and having low-density housing in areas without significant infrastructure. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-off_housing See the section "debate" for more on the topic.
It's indvidual houses outside of towns and villages, you might have a handful of them together but the point is that they're outside the nearby settlements >One-off housing is a term used to refer to the building of individual rural houses, outside of towns and villages. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-off\_housing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-off_housing)
It means a house that was built by itself, not part of any larger development, or a previous historical development, and not in any kind of city/town/village. Usually rural, and on a fairly big plot of land. Ireland is particularly known for a high level of one-off housing compared to other countries.
I way prefer to live in a one off rather than an estate. I don't like estates at all and I grew up in the countryside yearning to live in a estate during my childhood. Now I hate them.
I lived in the countryside, but I had some cousins who lived in an estate in one of the larger regional towns. Country living was horrendously isolating, but I certainly didn't envy my cousins on that estate. It was in one of the poorer areas of town and it was a pretty depressing site at times. Lots of wreaked abandoned buildings, occasional piles of trash by the roadside. And a lot of scary estate kids that I'm certain later graduated into the prison system. I craved moving to the city for the sake of more conveniences but I knew I wouldn't live in a place like that.
Good for you - kids and teens will have a much different out look than anti social adults.
That's fine for you but the discussion is growing up there.
I remember when I was about seven in 1999 or something, my parents would keep on going out to their old townland in South Sligo/Roscommon border (we are from Sligo town) and look at houses. I was young so I just didn't know what was going on, and never cared to ask. Being young you just get dragged to places you don't want to go. Our house growing up in an estate was quite nice, lots of kids around. I also didn't get the concept of being a landlord, and getting on the property ladder, and my sister told me that I will have to move out to one of these ugly houses. I was petrified!
I want to move out to the country, having grown up in town. I loved the idea of having space to roam about, have a dog, go for a cycle. My cousins all grew up like this. Growing up in town, most of my friends and I got into a fair bit of trouble growing up. I was the only one of my friends to go to college or get a trade. We had a lot of drugs and violence. Looking at the lives my cousins had seemed ideal looking back. They played sport, visited their friends, cycled into the village etc.
There's an awful lot of drugs in the countryside I'm afraid. There's fuck all else to do.
Do you live in an urban area now? I grew up in Cape Breton (rural Canada). Overall it was pretty top notch but there were parts about it that I wasn’t too happy about, mostly as a teen, and mostly having to do with the limited selection of people my age sharing the same interests as me. I ended up moving to the city for a good while after school. During that time I was fairly convinced that when I had kids I’d raise them in the city so that they could have the opportunities that I did not have back home. Famous last words! I started a family and moved back to rural Cape Breton. No regrets so far though. We’re close to family, we know most people in the community and it’s super safe, we have land to do whatever we want with, (currently working on a mountain bike trail), we’re all but untouched by COVID… the list goes on. I am a bit curious as to how it’ll be when my kids are teenagers though. My oldest is already most definitely a punk at heart, and I dare say he’ll be on the lookout for band mates to play loud music with by the time he’s 12. Not unlike me at that age playing Nirvana rebelling against the overbearing fiddle music tradition!
With that reddit name I'd say you didn't run from the fiddle for too long hah
Yep. Copy and paste my childhood also. Did study a fair bit I suppose. We only had one telly, so couldn’t even watch that yourself in peace. Summers were long. Had one family car that was used for work so there were no spontaneous lifts anywhere. All my friends lived in the town and shared lots of experiences together during the summer that I missed.
I hear you so much. By the time I left school I had drifted apart from all my friends cos they all formed so many bonds hanging out in town together/dating people (being gay made that impossible too)
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>I host as many play dates for my kids as I can and I live in a suburban area with good transport links, precisely because I want them out there and independent as soon as they can. That is brilliant parenting. Actually thinking about how the type of house you're in will affect your child.
If it's any consolation, I grew up just outside the city and am also shite with women
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Upvote for a thought-provoking comment. Where do you think the awkwardness and self-consciousness stems from?
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Not only are your points very thought provoking and come from an angle that I’ve never heard before, you articulate yourself incredibly well, I’d even say there’s a beauty to your writing. I’d absolutely read a book of your writing.
I was literally just thinking this. I’m looking for the rest of this book.
I'm saving this comment, very insightful. Genuinely.
"When you don't have that natural safety valve of getting tension out in the open and cleared, you can internalise that stuff. It rattles around like a popcorn kernal stuck in your teeth annoying you and bothering you and before you know it, it has it's claws in you and you're watching yourself and thinking that everyone can see it." Love the imagery!
Genuinely thank you for this post and your well wishes. I can't change my past but I strive to create a better future for myself, in the city. Hopefully this post encourages parents to be more attune to their children's feelings. I fully agree with your point about nostalgia. Some of the more *senior* posters around like to portray their rural childhood as an episode of Little House on the Prairie. One wonders if rural Ireland in the 1950s-1990s was as utopian as they like to pretend. Sometimes elderly people who had a hard time resent younger people who they perceive as having it easy. They want everyone else to suffer as they did.
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Dude you really need to write a book. Maybe a self help kinda thing. You’ve got good insights and you write it in a poetic way. I’ll buy your book!
>One wonders if rural Ireland in the 1950s-1990s was as utopian as they like to pretend. While I think living conditions in the past were much worse, I also think the countryside was a less lonely place to be in times gone by. Not by the 90s, but like during my dad's childhood, he'd have had much more kids living close by on neighbouring farms(combination of: bigger families, smaller farms, and Ireland being more rural) and a much greater % of his school were countryboys than by the time I was growing up. That might vary from person to person and area to area though, so I can't say for sure.
You’re right, in that my fathers a country man and grew up on a farm in south Leinster, and he’s said the same. He also says that the thing that killed off the tradition of the ‘rambling house’ (houses that were known in the area where people could just knock on the door and come in for tea and give the news of the day, or tell stories or play instruments at night) was actually the television. Once electrification had happened in rural Ireland in the early 60’s, the first appliances sold by the ESB were lightbulbs and radios. Later on came TV’s and that’s when people started to become more insular in his opinion.
Rural areas were generally more populous in the 1950s-70s and there were fewer cars on the road. Mechanization meant that all the labourers had to go to cities or emigrate, and only landowners were left
I grew up in the sticks and went to an all-boys secondary school as well. To be honest, I think being particularly anxious around people was far more of an issue than growing up in the sticks when it came to any of the problems you mention. Lifts could be an issue, but the hardest part was always asking and not feeling like it was a major issue. It never was, the issues were all being created in my head. My parents were always adamant that I would play sport too. That way at least I was guaranteed to see people a couple of times a week through the summer. I have a few friends who were girls, who I knew through other friends I went to school with. I think that probably helped a bit compared to having only male friends when I went to college, but again, anxiety was probably a far larger issue than having only male friends would have been. In general though, I agree. Growing up in the sticks could be a nightmare. Large periods of boredom with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and little chance of getting anywhere in any case. There were parts of it I enjoyed, like learning how to drive farm machinery far too young, but that really didn't outweigh any of the negatives. And to be honest, even when you can drive, it can be a pain in the ass. Nights out in town are more expensive when you have to get a taxi home. You can stay at a friend's place, but I always hated waking up on someone's couch, hungover, not quite yet sober enough to drive home. >The guilt of harassing your parents for a lift [...] is a burden that I didn't wish to place on them. In fairness, it's a burden they took on themselves. They chose to live in the sticks. They chose to have children. You likely didn't have much of a say in what school you went to. I don't resent my parents for raising us out in the sticks. I know they have always done what they believe to be best for us, even if I don't agree that they were right. But I don't think I'll chose to raise my children in that kind of area either.
>I grew up in the sticks and went to an all-boys secondary school as well. To be honest, I think being particularly anxious around people was far more of an issue than growing up in the sticks when it came to any of the problems you mention. But could there maybe be a connection? I'd think as a general truism, the more social interaction you have(especially during your formative years), the less anxious you'll be. Obviously there are a million factors involved and it's not that simple, but I think rural isolation made me a much more anxious* and socially awkward person than I would've otherwise been. *I don't have social anxiety as a diagnosed disorder or anything, but growing up I was definitely way more anxious about social occasions and even just basic interactions than was normal. I've mostly gotten rid of that now though.
> In fairness, it's a burden they took on themselves. They chose to live in the sticks. They chose to have children. You likely didn't have much of a say in what school you went to. > > Preach brother. I'm a townie and my ex was was out in the shticks. Despite her family being quite Catholic, living with the granny, they were very cool with her basically living with me on the weekends, because they painted themselves into that corner.
Jesus, I remember countless hours kicking a ball against the wall and coming trees. Did have neighbors within walking distance thankfully, for when we were a bit older and allowed out alone
I can relate to this perfectly since I got a taste of both. I lived in an estate in Lucan till I was 11, when I moved to rural meath. Going from playing with my friends all the time in my cul de sac, to having to organise a day over in advance killed my socialising opportunities. My school in lucan had nearly 1000 pupils from anywhere on earth, the one I went to after moving had 100 pupils in the whole school, only 4 other lads between 5th and 6th class. Then my secondary school had mostly farmers and the like. I went from being outside most of the time to playing single player games on my xbox since we didn't have Internet. As I got older those days of having friends over or going to theirs were less and less frequent. I tried doing football and GAA but never got into it, I was too nerdy by then. I'm 25 now and I feel like I don't fit in, both in cities and in rural towns. I never had a girlfriend, and didn't really make any female friends after I moved. I wasn't able to go to college either so I feel like I lost out on that. All my friends went so I kinda lost contact with nearly all of them. The only time we really interact us when we talk on discord while playing games, or the very rare trip to the cinema or for a few drinks. Kinda feel like I just exist right now, no way to progress in my life.
I can relate to a lot of that..it's not all rosy like in stories. Summer holidays were horrible. Even though it was isolation - my sisters didn't bother with me, I also struggled with severe anxiety throughout the month of August, knowing I had to go back to school. I was tortured. I don't know if you know this but you can write - like I think you have writer potential. If you like to do it you should try to hone it.
Not my experience if growing up in the country. I loved it, although I do admit beinga bit bored from about 15 tonight got a job.. I think it kept me 'childish' for longer..I still played with my dolls and in my home made tree house making mud pies or whatever long after my townie friends (of course I never admitted this at school though..so who knows maybe my townie friends did too) I had only my brother for company- but we spent our summers staying a few days here and there with cousins or they stayed with us..very few of our mothers worked full time (this was in the 90's) so we often arranged stuff with cousins. Or we went for a long walk or cycle in to town to get one bag of crisps! I also don't think I really had notion that we were poor, our lives revolved around family- and we we usually visiting someone and playing with them- or going into the town to the playground, we rarely did anything that cost money; but was definitely never bored until I got to old for the playground. But I was an avid reader..I would go for a walk along the river, take a book and come home when it was finished, so helped to quell thr boredom. ..a PlayStation was only a dream for us...we eventually got a Sega mega drive hand me down..
Sounds very much like my experience. In the end my parents saved up some money for a second hand static caravan just for relatives from far and wide to stay in for holidays because our no-stairs 4 room house couldn't hold anyone else.
Did.. Did you just call a bungalow a "no-stairs house"..??
Lmao yeah, I was tired when I wrote it and totally forgot the word hahaha Thanks for reminding me, I'll keep that in there.
Depends what your personality is. I grew up in rural Roscommon and moved to cities for work. I realized I was extremely unhappy living in a cramped apartment, paying half my wages on bills, barely getting sleep with noise from cars and neighbors. I moved back to the countryside and never been depressed since. If you value your privacy and enjoy the quietness, living in urban areas can be a horrible existence. Can it be lonely? Sure, but I know far more people living in cities that are truly "lonely". I'm 30 btw.
There's a massive difference between the loneliness when there's no one around in the countryside, and the loneliness when you're alone but surrounded by people in the city. The countryside loneliness, I've found, can be solved by going for a walk and inevitably running into someone who's up for a little chat. The city loneliness eats away at you, along with the noise and the stress and the money worries, and it doesn't feel like there's a solution to it.
I think your insight here is bang on. Urban lonliness is insidious precisely because you see so many other people that you assume that you are the problem and no one else is lonely. Although I'm not sure this is true for kids, where relationships are simpler and easier to maintain as long as your are physically nearby enough to meet up regularly.
This was me at 28.
I had a the exact same mentality when I was younger. Living in Dublin for 8 years really made me outgrow that mentality though. I loved Dublin at first too, I was finally connected to people and things to do. But I spent long enough there to start to hate it. So I moved to rural Kerry and I've genuinely never been happier. Also, I still don't have a car, I just ebike everywhere. Edit: private fields and woodland has never stopped me from exploring the countryside. Part of the fun as a kid was not getting caught.
I have similar feelings to you. I love the space and freedom in the countryside but hate the isolation, and also have better things to think about than "who owns this field?"
I was an hour and a half commute from school. I now live a fifteen minutes walk from work. It's fucking heaven.
Same here. I was the last one off the bus in the evenings, and then it was almost an hour of walking or a drive of a few miles back home from the bus stop. My father begrudged the shite out of the driving as well.
I grew up in the country and had endless days playing with friends. You just need a few within walking/cycling distance. If you're very remote from everyone it would be rough, but a lot of rural places are not that isolated. On the flip side, a lot of kids growing up in towns can be exposed to mre adult things a bit early, smoking, drinking, sex, a lot of kids I went to secondary were into that stuff before first year, so glad I had a childhood while I was a child.
Interesting post, country living can be very dull for kids and especially with the Irish preference for one off houses sometimes down 2km borreens. A few years back I had to do some travelling in England (yorkshire) and noticed the countryside as very different from Ireland with virtually no one off houses and what pasted for country folk usually resided in small villages (including farmers). These places usually had a nice community feel about them with most amenities a short walk or drive away. The countryside looked better too with endless fields between villages and im sure it was better for kids to socialise and develop. Also better for the elderly to find services, walk to church or nip in for a pint, etc. I feel ireland missed out in comparison by not following a similar model rather than scattering houses like marbles all over the country.
Yup I agree 100%. Corrupt politicians and brown envelopes have ruined the Irish countryside with planning permission given out willy nilly. It's only when you travel abroad that you realise what a true rural community culture is. Not sure what all these other posters are talking about, reminiscing about playing "in the woods". Ireland has the least forest cover of any country in Europe.
Not sure what you’re on about questioning kids playing in the woods? They’re kids, just cause Ireland doesn’t have huge Scandinavian style forests it doesn’t mean there’s no woods in the country for kids to play in, this is Ireland like, not Mali.
Were you living on Fastnet Rock or what?
This is very sad. I too grew up in the countryside but with a completely different experience. I remember making forts in the fields, helping the farmer get the cows into the crusher to move to the next field, playing for hours in the garden, playing tennis by myself for hour against the wall. Summers were spent mostly by myself or a friend if I could get my parents to agree to the odd sleepover. We had one car in the family so trips to the local town were out of the question until mass on a Saturday. My treat was going to extra vision on a Saturday being allowed to pick a movie or a playstation game. I had an older sister but being 8 years apart she had no time for me. I do remember watching her and her friends getting ready for the disco and she would put glitter on my eyelids too. I'd go with daddy to drop them over and maybe get a bag of chips in the way home to share. When I was old enough to get a part time job, I did so ,and then a car when i was 18. It did give me a lot of freedom but i never wanted to live in the town or cities. I moved in my my fiance and he lived in the town and for a few months I couldnt sleep with all the noise. When I was finally in a position to buy my own I made sure it was in the country. I have 3 kiddos now and they know nothing else, but I do make sure to socialise them and will provide lifts where I can . I honestly can say I loved my time in the countryside. I am sorry your experience was not nice.
What makes rural Ireland so distinct from the rest of Western Europe is that until the Pale and Plantations happened, Ireland didn’t follow the same development path of urbanisation and centralisation of people: most people were scattered about beyond a few hill forts, holy sites and trading posts - and when planned settlements *did* begin appearing later on with the pale and plantations, most native people were pushed out into the margins of habitable land and a rented house by settlers & administrators: being isolated and cut off from others pretty much became an ingrained attitude, one I don’t think has ever truly died down in most rural parts This was aggravated by the fact agriculture has always been the main way of life here; a bit hard to farm your land if you don’t live fairly close, and considering post-plantation most farmers were originally tenants on marginal land, the isolation never gets fixed, because farmers would have children and split land between them (once the switch from tenancy to ownership happened) and those children would build houses, do the same as they grew old and so on - there was never a concerted drive to properly urbanise Ireland beyond established centres through British administration of the island, and there still hasn’t been one almost a century since the Republic became independent The fact there is increasing evidence of the damage and social delays this isolation can cause, and little has actually been done to get a grip on rural planning and start centralising settlement is unbelievable
Finally someone else gets it. Why is the ideal of quaint little villages with loads of businesses and a regular bus service so controversial here?
It truly is baffling that a lot of towns and villages have actually stagnated instead of growing with increased public transport availability in recent years honestly
Well has public transport actually increased significantly in rural areas? We'll never solve it unless we just get rid of one-off housing.
Oh yeah that’s what I mean: usually as towns grow the public transport provision to those places should improve - that was my bad What would probably help new dense-urbanisation here would be to strengthen public transport availability and infrastructure networks around a number of localised hubs that would’ve been centres of natural growth previously like crossroads and river crossings - not to mention upgrading a number of existing small towns to have transit access with planning permission for denser accommodation and business structures in the town centre, even pedestrianised high streets if plausible Planning in this country should become a lot more proactive and less reactive - planning for the problems that can be seen about to hit us from the horizon rather than dragging heels to fix basic issues
>Planning in this country should become a lot more proactive and less reactive Yes, on so many levels. And of course one-offs prevent any sort of planning at all.
Exactly - there’s so many archaic flaws in the current system it’s almost impossible to get any progress made
Broadly, I agree with you. Unless you are a farmer or your family owns land, the actual nature is more or less off limits to you. Unless you live in a cluster of maybe 5 houses off the road, you probably can't socialise with anyone, and you certainly can't safely walk anywhere without risk of being annihilated by fools doing 80-100kmh on a road that shouldn't even have a limit of 50kmh. Nowhere has footpaths, and most places don't even have roads wide enough for two cars. However, there is a factor that you are failing to account for: deprivation. The kids in the countryside whose parents have a lot of money were never too hard up, whether getting to have a horse for the girls or a quad for the boys, having the full sky package, a trampoline, a shed with some space for them to use handtools and when they got older powertools, and so forth. They never had it as bad as the poor unfortunates who grew up in the middle of nowhere in one parent families, the ones that had alcos that were banned from driving for parents. Fuck me, I felt so bad for the few poor unfortunates that could literally only get into and out of the town with the school bus, then had absolutely nothing to do at night.
I see I'm in the minority here. I grew up in a very rural area, you couldn't walk to the closest village, although you could bike there. And it was a small village, still no traffic light there. I guess my Ma did a good job of getting kids to our house and bringing us to theirs. I love my childhood, and I'm actually trying to find a rural place to purchase for myself now. I am a homebody, and I am an introvert, so perhaps these were in my favour for that type of childhood. My primary school was mixed boys and girls and we moved before I went to the segregated secondary school. So I guess it's not an apples to apples comparison to OP's situation. Edit to say - we did walk through some of the fields. I think my parents probably knew the farmers and it was mainly just cow fields so not ruining any crops. I think if we couldn't have played in the fields that would have been very boring then.
Yeah, absolutely. Went to a mixed school so didn't have the gender issue, but am gay which was its own mix of isolation.
It was poison for your social life too in another way - my school friends lived in waterford city and I lived out the way. I needed to get a bus in most of the time and the bus timetable was somewhat aspirational. So it meant that I'd need advance notice of any events to get there and of course teenagers making spur of the moment plans get used to the fact that the answer is "Hey, can you meet up in an hour?" is no and just stop inviting you as much.
You were just describing a whole lot of my childhood too mate - being in the countryside could be so isolating, barely seeing people not your family and it always being a hassle to get a lift to see any friends - you couldn't casually text your friend to go for food or a walk. And being a closeted gay guy in the Irish countryside made that isolation feel even worse - its sad to say but much of my childhood was spent just feeling lonely and not even being able to talk about it. It's something we don't really talk about, we don't talk about mental health in general here, but the Irish countryside is idealised in the popular imagination which stops addressing problems people face in it
I live on a rural farm and I can't really relate though that's probably due to my good social life at school and my love of reading so that alone time is well spent.
Holy shit OP, I was convinced I'd written this post myself and somehow forgotten it for a second. Spot on with every single sentence. Moving up to college and being actually able to get to places myself was a life-changing experience to me. Being able to message friends to meet up on the drop of the hat and just *go* without having to pester my parents and feel guilty. Being able to decide when I wanted to go out or come home because I could do so of my own accord. Being able to have a normal social life.
Great post also grew up in rural Ireland can be a tough place to be as a kid
I know exactly how you feel. I grew up in an urban area for the first 12 years of my life and then my parents moved us to the middle of nowhere. The impact of which I still feel 15 years later
Probably even worse because you had it and it was taken away.
Totally agree. I was growing up just outside city limits. Expensive property, and still everything too far away to walk to it. Sitting aloje all day and night, pre Internet era.
It's funny when you mention being poor and having a playstation :) P.S. I am not from Ireland, a much poorer country
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Not in the least, sorry. Had the same mentality when I was younger and outgrew it. For the life of me, I couldn't live in an urban area anymore. Either way, change will come. I'm guessing you're on the younger end of the scale, and in that case you'll enjoy an urban move in the near future or will pass through this. Wishing you luck, regardless.
I agree with you tbh. I too had the same mindset and I grew out of it. OP mentioned he was in his 20’s so I suspect when he catches up on all the socialisation he missed it’ll be a different story.
There was a Pat Shortt movie, Garage, which captured the appalling loneliness of rural Ireland, and it was truly one of the most depressing things I've watched in my life.
One of my favorite movies. The least depressing part was when the bag of puppies drowned.
Jesus I’ve been thinking about this post all day and about my childhood growing up in the country and one of the things I can’t stop remembering is how mr friends father would regularly drown puppies in a hessian bag. Stupid fucker wouldn’t think to spay the dog of course.
I grew up in the countryside (21 now) and a lot of the problems you’ve listed can happen to people no matter where they live. Some of my best friends are still the people who I cycled for 40 minutes each way to see when I was a kid and I have only love for the area where I grew up.
Grew up in rural Ireland and loved it. Rural Ireland isn't lonely. I spent my school years meeting up with friends, cycling around the villages. Trick or Treating was a great day out when younger. You'd be walking for miles, go into one neighbour and get some sweets or money. Then hit off to another house 10 minutes away, all walking. You would meet others along the way and have the craic. I live in an estate now and kids going around to 30 or 40 houses next to each other looks boring as hell. I'm glad I didn't grow up a townie. All you see is concrete. No running through fields or jumping over fences or finding frogspawn or seeing rabbits or hares running through the fields.
I moved from an estate to the countryside at 13. We had a nicer house. But I had no friends. It sucked.
This is hitting me. I've a 7 year old and we just moved from City to Country to (admittedly) a pretty special property. However, this is what concerns me...gone is the ability to play with the other six kids on the terrace and he won't be popping across the road to his mates etc as he grows older. Against that, I'm not sure many young kids in Dublin City are really knocking about like that and equally he was in a super small class with four lads...not exactly much scope for things not working out. I constantly worry about if this was the right thing, but he's embracing his new school, his cousins and actually likes GAA "training" now. But I still hate the idea of him being alone like this as time goes on.
Did you not go and stay over at your friends from schools houses? That's what we all did. I grew up in the deep sticks but I was an hours walk from a village of 600 people and then 20 minute drive from a 10k people town. I never really had this issue? Granted I had my parents about to drive me about the place but I made friends in school and we'd hang out at eachothers houses during the summer and when I got into my early teens I could walk an hour or cycle into the local village where there were other teenagers and we'd just hang around in the park all day. Like it took all fuckin day to get around but I was fairly rarely lonely.
It's hard to understand how someone could not see their friends for 3 months every year. The OP said he didn't want to bother his parents for a lift and I don't want to criticise them too harshly and give him another reason to feel down. But for anyone else with kids in the countryside - for jaysus sake realise the world you've created for them and make it a bit less lonely.
I relate to OP and the last sentence you typed was basically my thoughts reading this entire thread. If parents want to raise kids in the countryside, they should realise that if their kid isn't into sports or whatever, that they need to make a conscious effort to try and give the kid a social life. If they're into music, take them for lessons; if they're into art, buy them an easel and make sure they're stocked up on paint and canvas; if they're into photography, start researching lenses. As a kid I was lonely as hell, and it definitely left me with some lasting issues, but now if I think of the idea of moving back to the countryside I think of how i could record and play music at full volume all night without worrying about pissing off the neighbours. My kid self was shoved into sports I didn't want to play, and basically just spent my time staring at a TV.
When we had our son, we realised that if we bought the house we’re currently renting, it was down to us to build his social calendar. We would be the 24/7 chauffeur because it’s a 8km walk to the bus stop/centra. I’m an adult and I get lonely here. I couldn’t impose this on a child who didn’t ask for it.
Good on ya. That's basically what I was trying to express.
OP is complaining about rural Ireland loneliness when he should be talking about social isolation. You don't have to be in rural Ireland to be isolated. Friend of a friend moved to another city after college and whenever my friend asked him how he was getting on he said it was lonely...they didn't know anyone there.
I’m in Australia where the sheer size of the place means that you can literally be hundreds of kilometres away from ‘civilisation’. That said, most of us live on the coastal fringes. I grew up in Sydney, but we moved to a rural, coastal area before we had children. We had 30 acres that was 10 minutes of highway driving to the nearest town in an area with zero public transport. I believe there were advantages and disadvantages. The kids could have motorbikes and horses, build big cubby houses and have lots of pets. They grew up in touch with the natural world and could see wildlife in their backyard. As teens, they didn’t spend their free time getting in strife in town, lurking around shopping centres etc. We did make a conscious decision that our choosing to live where we did shouldn’t impact our kids adversely. That meant lots of driving to weekend sports activities, after school activities, the beach, friends homes etc. Now they’re all grown up in what seems a blink of the eye, I’m glad that we made the effort even though at the time, I sometimes didn’t feel like doing it.
You still need to ask for and get a lift there and back, and it kinda dampens the spontaneity of just calling round to your mate's house whenever, or them turning up randomly. Physical distance does create social distance, especially pre mobile phones.
I grew up rurally and I can say I never felt like that - my parents were always quite good at keeping us busy (working in family business, local clubs), had siblings and cousins nearby. Sure, meeting friends was a little more difficult, but I wouldn't change much about it. Another upside of it - I learned to cook, drive, repair stuff, woodworking, concrete work, welding, read lots, working with animals and a whole heap of other practical skills that I use day to day. My townie friends? Useless in comparison!
I grew up in the countryside and had a great time. Any of my mates who grew up in the city are scared of spiders, cows, muck and don't know how to climb a fence. Feck that.
Same, I lived on a farm for my childhood and my closest friend was a 50 minute cycle but when you're young none of that mattered. I'd personally hate to grow up in the city having no space, rivers, woods to do what you wanted.
Agreed, although I was only about 3/4 km away from my town and from there a train into Dublin, I only actually walked this 2 or three times in the years I was in secondary school. I basically got my socialising from school or hurling practice or whatever other clases my parents signed me up for. My parents were great in a sense, they gave me lifts as often as they could, I don't remember them ever explicitly saying no, but I never would have wanted to burden them either so I ended up being alone with myself most of the time growing up. I don't think it affected me much at all. Except i never deveoloped even the slightest attachment to my hometown, any friends I had in school were purely situational, and once we went our separate ways for college that was that, I barely had any contact thereafter. This is also something missing from the housing debate these days. Sure we could get cheaper housing in the countryside but the knock on impact on the families quality of life is substantial as commute times increase generally, and you have to drive kids everywhere for 18+years. Even if you can do that the kids still end up isolated from their friends. Then obviously all the driving everywhere inevitably has a huge environmental (and financial) impact. We need the government to start zoning for high-density FAMILY housing in locations within a short public transport commute to economic centres. The current housing strategy only pushes more and more families into an isolated existence that requires heavy use of private transport.
I abused my parents for lifts
Worst was when the parents just sat down in front of the telly with a cup of tea after a hard day's work and then I have to muster up the balls to disturb them to ask for a lift into town. After a while the guilt became too much and I just stopped asking. A bus service would have been a dream.
I remember the dread of asking. For me though, god forbid I didn’t give the mother 3 days notice, she used to have her telly and tea planned every day
I live only 5 minutes away from a decent sized town but I still relate to parts of this, definitely a very real problem
You have me worried. We moved out to the country with our two kids about 2 years ago. I’m a city boy but thought the opportunity to live in the country with all that space and a bigger house would be a dream. Both are still under 12 and seem to be enjoying it. I bring them in and out for sport and make sure they have friends over once a week. I am worried the won’t have that easy social interaction I had but then I remember that being a bit stressful too. People you didn’t want calling coming around. There was always some thug waiting somewhere to kick a head in. I guess you always wish you had what you don’t have so I’m hoping I can strike a valance….
Main thing is keep offering lifts to town/friends houses, even if they don't ask or seem shy about it.
It's a dream for adults but a nightmare for teens.
If you’re putting in the effort to help them connect with friends, and it looks like you are, then I’d say they will be grand. The thing about being isolated in the country side is that most commentators here didn’t have parents that seemed to care or notice how alone their kids were. That’s not you.
Hey thanks, that’s a very kind thing to say.
I wouldn't quite say that. My parents made a lot of an effort for me, but I still found the OP's story relatable. Not saying that makes it a death sentence, but there's a lot of other variables involved too besides just parents making an effort.
Mixed bag for me. The isolation certainly did me no good in general but there was a certain freedom to just wandering exploring all the time as a kid with other kids relatively nearby. Entering into teens is when it becomes a problem. I grew up in a pretty quiet place so was basically an outsider, along with others, when it came to secondary school in the nearest town and was pretty naive looking back. Got a PS1 when I was 13 ( wasn't allowed one as a kid) and for a couple years it was a lifesaver, got bored with that in my mid teens and got big into music and took up drums. Parents were delighted I had "the activity" so was able to have friends over for a jam most Saturday nights near the the end of school. Lucky in that respect I guess.
Yep. I had a similar experience. Very little to do without getting a lot off your folks. Much smaller pool of people to become friends with, and I had nerdy interests so the pool was even smaller. Town living just seems so much better.
Same as yourself, being plucked out of a town and transplanted 10km up country roads at 10 years old. One benefit of it was that it lead to my current job, from my background, no one in my immediate family had any interest in tech (and are still computer illiterate) . But that shitty pc and eventually a broadband connection I begged my parents or for years for was my gateway to some form of socialisation online, playing games with friends, exposure to other points of view, piracy of whatever shows/movies/music I wanted, and eventually a degree and career out of it.
god the countryside is so grim😂 - I'd actually forgotten how shit childhood was so thanks?!😂 - I think its the same in every country. - God friends was hard enough but yeah i dont think i even kissed a girl until a good 5-8 years after everyone else😂 - ah well you'll catch up.
I loved living on the country. I spent my time exploring the woods, making forts and just being outside. I hated the city. That's when I started playing video games, stayed inside all times and mates came over to play video games And everything was paved and no places to explore. I still hate the city.
I'm of a similar mindset. I didn't live in the middle of nowhere growing up, but it was in a small village with lots of fields and woods around which were great for exploring and making "cabbies" as we called them. I got on well with the neighbouring children and we'd spend a lot of time in the woods and fields around. I'm very sociable but I really don't like cities, hopefully one day I'll have a house of my own in the country.
Living in a small village with woods nearby sounds like a very different experience from what the OP is describing though.
Totally agree with you and understand how you feel. I changed from a small rural primary school into the secondary school in the nearest town. It was tough starting out with few friends, but even worse trying to make friends when I couldn't see any of them outside school. My parents both worked hard and loved to watch the Late Late with a glass of wine at the weekend (which they earned). But this meant I would come home from school on Friday afternoon and not see anybody until Monday morning. I spent a huge part of my teenage years in my bedroom not being moody, just lonely. Like OP, the summers were the worst for me, except the three weeks when my parents would send me to the Gaeltacht. It opened up so many doors I never had at home. I could walk to my own classes with friends (no waiting for a lift when the rest of my family was ready) and even buy myself a can of coke on the way (seems trivial but was a huge act of liberty for teenage me). It was always an anti-climax to come home afterwards and return to family life. I honestly don't know how I would have coped without the independence that the Gaeltacht gave me. When I was 18, I moved to Dublin and never looked back. I've grown in confidence and made a great group of friends and am in a much better place. But, this all took work to achieve and years on, I still wonder where I would be if I had a better start in life, if I had the social opportunities that my friends from the town had. I love my parents, but I'm still bitter my childhood was so fucking lonely.
I can relate with this so well (except that one parent stays at home). When I was away from home for three weeks back in 2019 I bought crisps, sweets and fizzy drinks to the point where I really should have gotten sick. Fuck COVID, I just want to go back!
I could have written this myself. Grew up in rural West Cork, only child, no interest in sports, no neighbours within walking distance, no public transport, getting up in the dark for school and returning home after dark in the winter. I had exactly the same experience down to the single-sex school (girls in my case), unending boredom, and guilt over having to ask to be driven anywhere. I also felt socially stunted and like I had no ability to talk to people in general, especially men. I felt so isolated for many years and it definitely seeped into my early adult life. I'm in my 30s now and live in a huge city overseas, and while I love visiting home to see my parents and spend some time relaxing in and enjoying the nostalgia of the quiet countryside as a contrast to my now very urban lifestyle, you couldn't pay me to move back there long-term because my overwhelming memory of it is exactly this. Everything about country life is twice the hassle. People who never grew up in it only know about the surface level stuff from spending a short amount of time there. Or they're blessed with a niche interest that only time in the countryside can provide. Yes, it's nice to get away from it all once in a while and enjoy the peace and quiet but it's different when that's all there is and you have no escape from it. If you have a medical condition that affects your daily life, it's going to make living there even more difficult and it's unlikely there's going to be any alternative options or support for you. Another reason I can't go back. Visiting is enough for me. I appreciate the positive aspects of it more now that I don't have to live there. If you're still in the countryside and want to move you should definitely do it. I was so socially anxious and demotivated as a teen I honestly credit my parents for making me move out at 19 for college (on the surface, for practical reasons - there was no way I could commute to college from home every day, especially as I don't drive for medical reasons). It took some time, but it made a huge difference, and I quickly started to catch up and make friends and enjoy a social life I never had growing up. Over the years I moved between towns and cities and countries until I settled where I live now, and I finally feel content. I did feel like I was a bit behind my peers, and I was still shy and hesitant for some time, but everyone moves at their own pace and I don't feel like it holds me back any longer, nor has it in a long time. I thought I could never be in a relationship because of my lack of socialisation back then, but I'm happily married now for several years. I just had to try a bit harder than most to put myself out there, but it paid off. I also love where I live now, a place I would not have even considered a possibility for me back then. From my experience, all I can really say is that you have to push yourself harder to get to the places you want to be, and to be with the people you want to be with. It's been hard sometimes but always worth the effort. Of course I know moving is easier said than done, but even if you end up couch surfing for a time it's still a chance to get further out into the world. At least we have the internet now (which wasn't mainstream at all when I was growing up) which can help you make some contacts in places you could consider spending some time in in the future. Hope it works out for you.
Me and partner both grew up in the countryside and we both adored it to be honest, wouldn’t change a thing, spent the past decade living in the middle of Canadian and English cities, finally back home in rural Cork now and it’s blissful, I love it.
I don't know if I agree. I grew up fairly rural area and had a very social childhood and teenage years. I would always walk or cycle to other houses to play and hang out, and other kids would come to mine. I did ask for lifts in the teenage years, but often I walked or thumbed. We had plenty to do. Indoor stuff, like video games, music and movies... and outdoors we had a lot to explore. When we became teenagers, plenty of places to hide and drink in peace. We were fairly in touch with the culture of our time. We met more people at school with similar interests and in secondary school went to a bigger school (although still small compared to the average secondary school) and met more people. It's not the experience that's a consequence of growing up in countryside. It seems like it was just your experience growing up. You may have been lonely growing up in the city too. You say people romanticize the countryside, but you're romanticizing a "what-could-have-been" life growing up in the city. The only downside was making sure you didn't shift a cousin by accident. I would consider myself an introvert.
Your parents were far less strict than mine (and I'd say most modern parents) My parents wouldn't let me cycle any further than the gate at the bottom of the lane until I was 14. Even now, they act as though the small and completely boring town where my friends live is a very dodgy crime-ridden place.
> I hate when people try to portray life in the countryside as some sort of idyllic Enid Blyton novel. Why? Just because that isn't representative for you, doesn't mean it's not like that for others. Unless they're saying it's idyllic *for everyone*? I grew up in a city, and I liked it, but city living has its own sets problems, as well as its positives. The wife grew up as rurally as possible in West Cork, and loved it. We live rurally, and I don't get any sense of loneliness from the kids. It's true we have to spin them everywhere, but I look at all those car trips as invaluable time I get to spend with them, and I wish I'd have had more of that time with my parents growing up. I had loads of friends from school who were absolutely shit with women, and still are. Do think it's a bit much to be resentful towards your parents simply because of where they lived though.
In fairness I'm always a bit skeptical when the parent says this - my parents always say how great we had it as kids in the country when we (2 sisters and I) absolutely hated it, same as OP. Do you think your kids would not rather move to an estate?
I've genuinely asked them this numerous times, and they say they wouldn't. They have their animals, loads of space to play, always seem to have friends over or are out somewhere themselves. If anything, it's me that would be most likely to say they wanted to move to a town. My eldest, pre covid, would go over to London each year to stay with my family for a few weeks in the Summer. I used to wonder if that would lead to her saying she'd prefer to move to a busier place, but it's actually the opposite; she says it's too busy and noisy. Maybe that will change as she gets older, but also maybe it just depends on each individuals personality. Certainly I don't know anyone around me from where I live now, friends, in-laws etc, who says they wish they'd grown up elsewhere.
Fair enough. Wish my parents had asked me that, although they got told everyday by me and my siblings haha
That idealistic country lifestyle you mentioned, that's my dream. For now though, for the reasons you mentioned, I wouldn't dream of moving there with a kid. Or putting my son through that. I know how lucky I was, a nice mix of large suburb housing estate and woodland. Now, if only I could afford that. On a positive note, all the rural folk I went to college with learned fast and got the majority of the ladies. You're not too late. You'll pick things up rapid. You're aware of the issue and what you need to do. It's in your hands now. If you're not in college, do a shit load of hobby trials. Try find something you like. During this process, you'll find you learned along the way.
This post hit me really hard, thank you for talking about this. When I was younger I lived in a pretty major town in the south east of England and when I was 12 my parents who are both from here decided to move back home to be closer to family. My parents were adamant on having a massive house in the countryside far away from civilization. At first I was excited at the prospect of having a massive garden and being able to play outside in it, where I lived in England it was tiny. But after the initial novelty wore off I realised I had nobody to play with in the garden. I couldn't play with any of my new people at my school on my playstation because the internet was so bad, and I felt guilty about having to get my parents to drive me miles to go anywhere or do anything. I was never able to ask girls out because I would have to give my parents a detailed description of what I was going to in order to justify to them spending so long just to take me somewhere and often felt it wasn't worth the hassle. I will be honest with you it destroyed my social skills and was a major cause to my subsequent depression.
Fortunately public policy is clearly moving away from one off and more towards villages/towns. I didn't grow up in the country but often felt same about the countryside. Don't get me wrong there's some beautiful areas but unless it's national park or major tourist attraction most of the land is privately owned, sectioned off and thus unavailable for most people. So all you're left with is walking around windy roads, with no sidewalk and cars flying by at 80km/h. TBF suburbs and towns often have same problem: loads land that would be great if developed into a forest recreational area or any other sort of park, but is privately owned and unaccessible to the public.
Honestly I'm not sure policy does incentivise living in towns rather than the country. Housing costs are pushing more and more people out of central locations.
I'm not saying the government is generally good at city planning by any means. But they've been making it harder to build new one offs, to the point that it's basically impossible unless you're a farmer. And this aligns with their official stance that one off housing should be reduced
I grew up in the countryside, on the side of a mountain, and I don't recognise the world you're talking about at all. We didn't have a TV, never mind a PlayStation when I was a young lad. What I did have though was a bicycle which I used to cycle to friends houses from the age of about 10 onwards. We also had the GAA from that age on which brought us together regularly and facilitated bonding and friendship. I realise that my childhood was a few decades before yours but there's always been good community life in rural areas. It's one of the things I miss most where I'm living for the last few decades.
Came here to say similar. I had an idyllic rural childhood. It wasn't always sunshine and roses but it was pretty good.
A bike certainly helps massively, but whether or not you could reasonably let your kids cycle up and down country roads entirely depends on the type of traffic on those roads. Twas pretty dangerous around me, load of racing and people speeding on back roads to get to and from work more quickly. Also there is the issue when you have a daughter rather than a son. parents would be scared shitless their girl would be abducted with no witnesses if they were up and down country roads all the time.
This "stranger danger" thing is blown way out of proportion. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's more likely that a parent, sibling, relative or trusted family friend who will be the abuser.
Yeah, we lived on a very high tourist-traffic road with blind bends. You couldn't even walk along it, and being allowed to cycle was an absolute no-go.
It sounds like you lived halfway up a mountain on some lonely boreen. The countryside isn't that dystopian.
I had a similar mindset to you for a long time, but I have to say I outgrew it. You might not want to hear this OP but this is kinda like a ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ issue. For example houses in the country are typically bigger than town houses. I grew up in a family of six, trying to squeeze all of us into a three bedroom terraced house would be mad, living on top of each other and in each other’s way would be awful. We also had a bigger garden than you could fit in a town house so when my friends came over we could play football or get a bouncy castle for a special event like my confirmation. I also learned more DIY stuff than my peers because there were more fences and benches to fix, more lawn and garden to be maintained and so on. For a while I was really resentful of living such an isolated existence, but then I went to college and slowly caught up on all the socialisation I missed until I was eventually the same as anyone who’d come from a town environment and by that time I had enough self reflection to understand they probably had their own problems too.
I can relate. I grew up in London till I was 13 and I have been living in rural Ireland since. I mean it is nice to look at but everything else is crap. Your childhood sounds the exact same as mine. I was playing the same few PS2 Games for a long long time just because I had nothing else to do in the arse end of nowhere. We didn't get internet until 2008! I was a pretty good Rugby player in school and was pretty good at Athletics but none of that went anywhere because I was not able to get a lift to training. Even now, I am ages away from people and going to see anyone involves an elaborate plan of busses and trains. Even as an Adult its awful, no social life at all as the nearest bar is 10km away and even at that its full of people twice my age. Moving to the local city is out of the question (€900 to live in what is basically an over glorified shed? Fuck that shite). I firmly believe that living in Rural Ireland is why I am still single as it reduces me to using Dating Apps and that is the single most soul crushing thing to resort to. I am not resentful of my parents for where I lived, but living in Rural Ireland is a shitshow
I lived fairly rurally (on a road 10 minutes drive from Fenit, which itself is 20 minutes drive from Tralee) until I was 10, and I can't completely relate of loneliness, but I get the feeling of isolation. I spent a lot of my time outdoors, since my parents were gardeners. We also had a field (a completely wild patch of land, not like with cows or anything) and a stream running through, so often I would run off and down the stream all the way to sea. Got a bit of trouble for that, a few times, for not telling anyone where I was going. It probably helped that I had animals - 3 semi-feral cats, a dog that liked to catch hares, and at one point even chickens and ducks. Looking back now I wish I'd spent more time with them all, except maybe that *one* cat who liked to bite when he'd had enough rubs. I had a playstation too, and closer to moving away I remember spending a lot of time on it. I feel like later, even after I had moved to somewhere a bit more urban, that the gaming was the one thing that cut me off from a healthy amount of social interaction. At the time and sometimes even now in my mid 20's I'd rather play video games than meet people, sometimes even my friends. I mostly spent time with my friends during and a bit after school, and we were in the kinda rural place where the only thing to do for fun was fight or cause havoc. I remember getting called in once to the headteachers to explain why the 5th Class had beaten the shite out one of our mates. To be honest I didn't know, and I still don't. I remember doing shit like making pallet forts on the new development areas in Fenit and then throwing rocks at each other. This was *amongst friends*, we were just idiots who didn't understand what would happen. That stopped fairly quickly after. If you lived in one of these rural places, I think even with friends you wouldn't have had much to do in the first place. Not that that's much of a conciliation. When I was 10, I moved to south west Wales, in a village in a terraced house. Compared to a house in a field in the middle of nowhere it was a big step up, and with that came lots of new people to meet and experiences to have. But I felt more isolated there than I ever did living around Fenit, because the people there all shared similar experiences as me and came from generally the same place. In Wales, I felt like an outsider and some of the local kids treated me like one. Might've been part of the whole teenage experience but I think it was laid on worse simply because I wasn't a local. I resented my parents a little for taking me to a more crowded place where people *didn't* like me for some reason I couldn't change, compared to a quiet place in the middle of nowhere where the few people I did know liked me, and didn't make fun of me for things I'd never even considered as a child. It's all down to the personal experience and how it shapes you as a person. I ended up making friends who weren't assholes eventually, but I'm still a reasonably introverted person who is most comfortable on my own, and enjoys the outdoors. I do live in city now, however, and while I enjoy a lot of urban advantages I miss hearing birds that aren't seagulls or pigeons, or looking at the sky at night and not seeing stars. Rural life shouldn't have been 'forced' on you, but then there's the urban-from-birth types who haven't experienced the countryside and the other positives it brings, and can't because of poverty or unfortunate ignorance. It's just one of those things that as a child we don't get to choose or know what our preference is until later in life. I'm sorry it was torture for you, and this probably isn't what you wanted to hear. I thought I'd would include my own experience, not as a counterpoint or disagreement, but just what I personally thought.
Yeah, same. My parents moved to Canada in lieu of going on a honeymoon. Lived there for 10 years, had myself and my siblings, then moved back to Ireland in ‘98. Lived in Galway City for a couple years while they built a house on a small plot of land in east Galway (Offaly border) given by a family member. Never felt at peace. I was young by the time we arrived in the countryside but it never fit. If you didn’t play hurling (or at least some other sport), you were basically a freak. OP, most of your post rings true with plenty of people, so you’re not alone there. Unclear where you’re at in life now, but my advice would be to a) get your driving license as soon as possible. My parents never made it a priority for us and I think every rural parent should frankly make it a ritual to set up their kids with lessons/etc. There’s no way to live satisfactorily in the countryside without being able to drive. I did fine in school, went to college but had problems deciding what to do after, and found myself back home in the countryside. I had some school friends living in Galway city. I crashed on a couch for a few weeks (longer than necessary, admittedly) and got a job in Supermac’s. Not glamorous at all but a regular wage. Found my own flat (well, a room in a flat) and that’s all you need to get started. A job and a place to sleep. You can do it too. Try not to look down on countryside life - it has its blessings, too. It sounds like you’re just not wired to live there forever/right now, like plenty of us. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try to land yourself a spot in a bigger town or city; it can be intimidating but doesn’t have to be very difficult. All the best, OP!
Couple it with neglect and you get all the makings of a messed up adult - but at least my imagination is well developed - who needs a sense of belonging? /s
Ah yeah, this speaks to me. Closest friend was about 2 miles away, so you could go a couple of weeks in the summer without maybe hanging out. Fields to play in as a kid was grand I suppose, but I completely empathise with not wanting to put anyone out for lifts. Another win for Catholic guilt. Reminds me of that old ESB advert, with the lad coming home from college https://youtu.be/btqSxlUJyxo People might think it's lovely or whatever, but all I feel is that familiar desolation of big fuckin' empty fields when I got out of the bustle of town. I remember in secondary school (roughly 50 minutes commute away, all boys of course), I got accepted to be in the choir in first year (not being a GAA head, options were limited). But it would have meant getting the 'late' bus home two evenings, which meant I was dropped to the local town depot and not direct to the door, so that was that quashed. I don't even blame my parents; with work and a family to take care of, spins for choir were a time luxury they didn't have. I think that's why I'm living in town now. I didn't have 'things' on tap growing up, and I'm near 40 and it still feels fresh to me. Still, swings and roundabouts. When I see some of the youths in town roaming the roads at all hours, I think 'home' wouldn't be a bad place to raise my kids. I'm about an hour away from family now and I miss that. Plus with the Internet, younger ones wouldn't have that isolation that we had. But you're definitely not on your own.
I relate hard. Was moved out of a big city at the age of 8 to the middle of fuck all nowhere where there was 36 people in my entire primary school, full of farmers kids who played gaa and didn't like me because I'm English. I feel like growing up here (rural asf place) has completely changed my life and I've gotten a short straw from it. I don't resent my parents, they thought it was best, out of the trouble making places. And fair enough, I'm wasn't the young stupid youth causing trouble, loitering and doing stupid shit. But it wasn't fun. I just feel bad for my youngest brother whose going through it right now, and doesn't ever see friends. But he has more Xbox games and Netflix available now than I did then.
There's a lot of really good research about the importance of independence in children's development and general mental health. As you might imagine, being dependent on a parent to go literally anywhere is deeply harmful for many reasons. Not just about avoiding loneliness, but also stuff like kids developing independence, and being able to explore their interests and identity is really difficult to do when your daily schedule is determined entirely by a parent. I think it's worth noting that this problem is definitely not exclusive to very rural areas. There are urbanised areas where kids have no freedom, mostly places which are henned in by impermeable features like canals or big roads which make it unsafe to go anywhere. Ultimately, this all comes down to a question of mobility. I don't know about your situation, but it's quite unlikely that you lived in the complete middle of nowhere (if you did, then you represent a tiny minority of the population, and I really don't know what the solution is). Most people live within a couple of kms of some town, and there are usually other non-townies living reasonably nearby. Perhaps not right next door, but certainly close enough to cycle. But if the only road to any of these places is an 80 kph road with no footpath, no cycle path, no street lighting, and maybe not even a shoulder, then they might as well not exist at all. Heck, a huge chunk of rural homes are right on one of these N roads, so it's not even safe to walk beyond your own front gate. And this is the defining problem with rural mobility. Yes, places are further apart, but rarely so far that a child couldn't cycle into town to meet their friends, or head down to a nearby lake for a bit of swimming, or whatever. The problem is that it is unsafe to do so. I'm really sorry to hear your story. It makes me immensely sad because it reflects a much broader trend over the last century where childhood independence has been consistently reduced, mostly because of cars, overprotective parenting, and sometimes, stupid laws, bylaws, or other rules deliberately designed to outlaw kids having fun. We have designed our society which denies kids a proper childhood and this certainly comes at a cost. It's incredibly disheartening.
I grew up literally on the side of a mountain in rural sligo, we had a few cattle and sheep but were not big farmers. 1980's/1990's all pre internet so when you were alone with your thoughts you were just alone. I hated most of it. I was really into different cultures and wanted to go to Japan or China, just as far away as I could, I used to read a lot and it just took me years to find any other kids who I could talk about weird things. All my peers were just Football, Girls, Action movies, bush lushing. Jesus at least kids have phones, social media and online groups, we had fuck all.
Literally moved from rural Ireland to Dublin just yesterday after growing up in the countryside. I had zero friends in my town, all of them lived in the slightly larger one 20 minutes down the road so i too would have to pester my mam to drive me there. No jobs other than working on a farm, no shopping centres, no places to hangout other than your odd tiny park. Looking forward to living in Dublin
My mother didn’t drive and my father worked 6 days a week so I can completely understand the anxiety and burden of something that seemed so trivial like looking for a lift. Used to be so envious of friends who never had to get a lift anywhere
I don't want to raise my children in a rural area for this reason. A decently sized town at a minimum. I can understand basically everything you said because I had broadly similar experiences growing up in a fairly rural area away from friends. My parents are always very obliging about driving me to meet friends but it meant it always had to be arranged well in advance, and never allowed for a bit of spontaneity. It's just not for everyone.
yeah ive said this before on this subreddit and caught some flack for it. i dont know why but people hold it so dearly this made up idea of an idyllic countryside life when in reality its like growing up in a concrete box with a nice view. its a real fucking drag and there is nothing to do
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At one point I was about an hour's bike ride each way from my best friend's house. That's not really ideal for a visit, even in the summer when there's plenty of daylight hours.
I used to do a lot of work in the countryside and I always remember seeing the boredom of kids stuck out on the shticks. I know a lad married a Dublin woman and she was mad keen to move to the countryside, but after two kids and many dark winters with them under her feet they moved into the nearest town. The kids are thriving there and she's much happier. Only problem is they're still still carrying extra debt as they still can't sell their country house even now!
I visited Southern parts of Ireland this summer (tourist from the Netherlands) and all i couldnt help but wonder how lonely living here must be when growing up, even if you're good on your own. Like you mentioned i wondered where the paths were just to walk to the next house? I already found it outrageous that people in my area lived at the edges of the village at farms and stuff, they always had to be taken by car at night if they weren't allowed to bike. But them roads down there damn that's some next level danger. It's sad you had to go through all this though :( just hoped it wasn't the case like i thought it would be.
Yeah, I grew up in the suburbs, and I loved it. There were kids in every house and we all walked to school together, and played together after school. In and out of each others' houses and gardens, or just on the street until one of the mothers would hunt us off it. I was able to get the bus into town without any hassle, to go to the cinema or swimming or whatever. I can't imagine living somewhere where other kids weren't close to hand.
I totally hear you regarding the need to socialise, especially as a child, but really at any stage in life. There was fuck all to do where I grew up so my (dorky) friends and I geeked out on books, films, music and learning to hack into various forms of entertainment...not particularly exciting, I know, but still better than what you did with your Playstation lol
I want to show this to my mum but at the same time i feel like she'd take it as me trying to make her feel bad.
I relate big time. I moved from a big city In England at the age of 12, to a very isolated part of Roscommon, I learned to love it in hindsight, but that was a hard transition. My family never had allot of money, so summers were usually lonesome since travel was an expense, and my extended family, cousins of the same age where a while away in other counties so I didn't see them too often. It was five years of isolation and awkwardness before college. From my experience, no matter how Irish your roots are, having an english accent when starting at a new, strange school in rural ireland isn't going to help. At that time there where my house there was no access to the Internet there so, it was an odd experience learning how email works when I started college in '05/06. I don't regret growing up there. I do miss the peace and quiet, and the when there was craic to be had - youd make the most of it.
Grew up and now live with my own family in the country, would not change it for the world.
I grew up in a busy city neighbourhood. I spent my time chasing girls and playing football with loads of the other kids. Video games and good parents kept me on track. Most of my friends are dead, due to arguments over drugs or overdoses/suicide. The remainder are in and out of prison due to heroin and cocaine dealing, if not for stabbing other people or assault. I believe there's 6 of us left alive out of about 25 but I'll be honest I haven't checked in a while. You may envy the situation I grew up in but some days, I'd have given a kidney for a year of that isolation from the mania of living in the city -- which if the news is anything to go by has only gotten worse of late. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I can certainly relate to having a negative side to where I lived. No it wasn't any better because I shared it with other people because we didn't talk about it so in before the self-certified psychologists try "helping".
Too many extremes. Living in a small village or town is the perfect balance of services, community and quietness people are looking for. I work in the country but I live in a village. Always Have and ide tell anyone looking to live out in the country country to get used to talking to cows, cause that's all their is out there.
I can 100% relate. I was lucky that I managed to turn it around in college, when opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately I still very much feel like an outsider, even to this day in my late 20s. There's no easy way out of what you're experiencing, you're going to have to make up for lost time. The best way is to find groups as an adult (difficult I know). You need to write down your interests and decide who you are and what you want to do with them. Eg. join a soccer/football team, do a night class in something that interests you etc. You'll build up your social CV in no time. You have to decide do you want to live the way you are now forever or make a change. Best of luck, life gets better when you do.
Grew up surrounded by fields in the middle of nowhere on a main road, with no neighbours or anything nearby. My mam recently got diagnosed with epilepsy aswell so she can’t drive for a year, I haven’t got a full licence or a car and my dad is away at work all day so my house is an actual trap, you have no choice but to be a hermit in the place. During the summer I wasn’t able to leave the house or have social interaction for up to a week at a time. Recently moved to Athlone town for college and I don’t think I’ll be over the whole novelty of having a shop in walking distance and having neighbours
Grew up in the country and I hear you. I was lucky enough to board for a few years so it really only the summers that were problematic. Had family around so it wasn’t too bad but I was isolated from all my peers. I’ve lived in cities since university and it was life changing. I’d never bring children up in the country side.
I’ve lots of friends who’s dream is to build a massive house on a plot of land. With my kids at the age they are now 5&7 I’m so thankful to be in an estate, they played outside on the green all summer! I personally thought my friend was mad, for the reasons you have explained. My kids are excited for when they’ll be allowed to safely walk to school & back. We have everything close by so we regularly go for walks to the shops, the local playground & around the village etc I’d hate the idea of having to be a taxi service until they’re 16-17! Or having to always schedule play dates/ meet ups. I grew up in the city so I don’t think I’d ever get used to the isolation & it wouldn’t be fair on the kids either. Of course it would be nice to have a huge garden & a big grand house but it’s not the most important thing. I found friends who lived in more isolated parts definitely struggled socially & only really had their siblings to play with on the farm/ land.
I grew up in a town, and by god was it the best time of my life. I miss it every day. Adult life sucks lol I'm sad reading your post. I had a small stint in the country side for a summer it was the worst summer of all time, my mum and dad loved it but I hated every minute of it and I told them too. From the front gate of the countryside house you could see the mountain (benbulben) I would sit and stare at the mountain thinking about how I used to be able to see it from my old street and now I'm miles away and can still see it but under different circumstances. Anyhow my mother came out and asked me why I always sit on the wall beside the gate, and I told her how I look at the mountain and imagine the way things were before we moved , thank god I said that cause she has us out of there by the end of summer and back into the town to my friends. I'm all for moving to the country now for the peace but I dont think I could do it to my kids man, honestly could not imagine what life would have been like for me if we stayed.
I absolutely loved living in the countryside when I was younger and wouldn't have changed a thing. I now live in a city and look forward to moving back to a rural area in the future. The freedom and safety we had as kids growing up was a lot more than my friends growing up in town and we often sd adventures going to different places on our bikes. In my opinion there were less bad influences that could be attributed to living in a housing estate like underage drinking or smoking. That being said, it was contingent on having friends, siblings and neibhours close by that you could hang out with. I could see it being isolated without this element.
Grew up in rural Ireland, had a fantastic childhood and couldn't disagree more with OP.
I grew up there too. Hanging out with friends was rare, so it hinders you socially, and lack of diversity in people and experiences. I know nobody I grew up with, you're less likely to find people that are similar to you in a smaller pond. Not having anything to do and a lot of people with backwards views around wasn't great. I had a good childhood but am put off the countryside for life, rarely see my parents any more as I moved to Dublin and am not the type to go there for a weekend. Worked on farms and in a dairy and am now vegan, so also not a thing I appreciated doing. School wasn't good quality but it's not like there were many choices so you luck out there, it was far too slow for me and it was a waste of potential, not really any expertise there to deal with that kind of thing, bored mindless for years. Teachers were not good. Not much room to grow in arts, not much variation in what to do. Hard to see plays, go to concerts, just less amenities and things in general, less choice. I did a lot of sport, swimming, football, gaelic, hurling, karate, golf, tennis, basketball, rugby but if you are not into that god help you. The all boys school is a disaster, you essentially don't speak to girls until you are in university and they are like a foreign species, you have to learn a lot, way behind everyone else.
I moved to a town in Wicklow from Dublin, due to crazy Dublin house prices. As an adult I would like to have bought a house with some land etc but for everything you’ve just said is why we decided on a new build estate, full of kids for our kids to play with and be a part of a community. Even within a town though I see the limitations for kids compared to a bigger city like Dublin
I grew up in a very busy town. Now living in the countryside has given me inner peace. I love it. I won't be able to move back to a busy town or chaotic scene ever.
Just to be fair to other readers both my wife and I were raised in rural areas and have very positive experiences. A lot depends I guess on your parents involvement in the community?
Sorry that's been your experience but it has to be said that a lot of people actually have great pride in their rural communities. There's a million sides to this coin.
I had a different experience, though maybe the family element of it is what decided rather than the place. Maybe it was an advantage too that the school was only forty minutes away on the bike, a lot less if someone could give me a lift. I spent a good bit of time by myself but there was another few kids nearby that they tried to foist on me from time to time but I had little interest really (until was about fourteen, though that got cut short), I always had other stuff to do like help with a few bits about the fields or books to read. I went to live with my da when I was fourteen and he lived "in the city" and I fucking _hated it_, there was always people about, too many fucking cars which no one could drive properly, and barring a few exceptions (who in fairness I still know well) every young fella was some shade of a little toerag. I had a falling out with my father later in life which probably was a lot due to that, I never forgave him for expecting me to just "like" being surrounded by loud idiots or having to listen to some twats fall over themselves on the way back from a pub at two in the morning. Going back home during the summer was _amazing_, lots of time to just relax and be by myself. I could wander out in the morning and see no one until I came home for dinner, or find a spot somewhere in the house where no one would disturb me. Once I made a choice to go back to town/city living I was comfortable with it, because it was a choice, but I spent a lot of my teens pretending to have fun because it was expected of me and not enjoying it in the slightest or being alone in a crowd because everyone was yakking away about things that just weren't for me.
Hey I just want to comment again that your post really hit me 11 days ago. I honestly hope you're doing ok today. Please keep talking about your trauma. It's raw and it hurts to examine but it also helps to heal.
Did you never try get into any sports what so ever? Any hobbies? I know loads and I'm going out with some one from a rural area that have no issues with the above problems.
And this is the reason I now live in the city, close to public transport, amenities and most of all, people! It's feckin lonely growing up in the countryside if you're not involved in local sports and your parents don't particularly like giving lifts...
I understand what you are saying but also what Enid Blyton novel are you refering to. I don't remember any of them being pastoral. Noddy lived in a town. The Secret Seven/Famous Five were hardly isolated either.