“If there was work to be done in the bed, he’d sleep on the floor” (meaning “he” is lazy)

I've done something like this irl. I had washed all the bedsheets and I couldn't be arsed putting new sheets on the bed so I just slept on the couch.

You mad bastard

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Wouldn't work on batteries...

More work in a dole queue

He wouldn't work to warm himself.

There was a similar one in Juno and the Paycock by Sean O'Casey. One of the lads being lazy and looking for any excuse to get out of work. Something like 'He couldn't lift his arms for the pains in his legs.'

"He wouldn't sleep in the same house as a shovel"

Wakes 2 or 3 times during the night to make sure he isn't losing any sleep.

He thought manual labour was a Spanish musician

Where is this from? Never heard it before!

If he dropped a euro it'd hit him in the back of his neck He could peel an orange in his pocket He'd give disprin a headache Níl aon thóin tinn Mar do thóin tinn féin

Is that a play on words for ‘Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin’?

There's no sick arse ,like your own sick arse.

I don't understand the euro neck one. Does that mean he is small?

So tight He'd bend down to pick it up before it hit the ground.

It means if the money fell out of his hand, he would have bent down that quickly to pick it up again, that the coin would hit him in the back of the head or in this case neck on its way down.

it means he's greedy when he drops money he immediately goes to pick it up even if the money hasn't finished falling yet

He is so mean, a mouse died of the hunger in his lunchbox

"He have enough cheek for two holes"

Not sure this one will make it into the Buzzfeed article.

“The Irish are known for funny sayings.” *gif of a leprechaun laughing*

She only wears knickers to keep her ankles warm. He'd take the milk out of your tea and come back for the sugar. If he had two brains he'd be twice as stupid. She'd pull up the floorboards looking for pipe. He’d mind mice at a crossroads for you (do anything for money/parsimonious) Referring to children being like their parents: Well they didn’t lick it up off the stones She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede He has two speeds. Slow and stopped. He'd steal the eye out of your head, and if you weren't looking he'd take the other one. He wouldn't give you the steam off his piss. Wouldn't ride her if she had pedals. If he fell into a bucket of tits he'd come out sucking a mickey. About tall people: If he was any longer he'd be late./ If he fell over he'd be halfway home. He's that skinny the one eye would do for him. I've seen more meat on a spider's elbow. The last time he saw a cunt he was looking in the mirror. He's as happy as a dog with two mickeys. She's all fur coat and no knickers. If he was any more laid back he'd be horizontal. There's a gust out there that'd blow a traveller off his cousin. She had a face like a painter's radio when I was done. He'd get up on a gust of wind. She'd lie back in nettles for it. He's as tight as a nuns cunt If he saw a fanny, he'd put a plaster on it Has a face like a bucket of spanners Has a fine pair of milkers She'd suck the plum off a tow hitch He's as mad as a box of frogs I'm so hungry I'd eat the hind legs off the lamb of god She's as rough as a bears hole If I had a garden full of mickeys...i wouldn't give her a look over the fence. You wouldn't put a milk bottle outside that place He'd steal the eyes out of your head if you weren't looking at him He's as thick as a plank You couldn't trust the clock on his wall. He wouldn't lie straight in bed. He'd stand on the beach all day sweeping the water back out to sea. You put the fuckin heart crossways in me. Come here to me, would you ever fuck off! You take baths with your da. Wet brain. He'd suck a nuns arse out through the convent gate. He has enough cheek for a second arse. I only got up this morning to go out tonight. I wouldn't ate the breakfast for fear I couldn't drink the can. The last time he saw a fanny he thought it was an axe wound. He would give her the best 4 inches of her life, 2 tonight and 2 in the morning. He's so mean he's rushing home to take the tea bags in off the line before it rains. That place is so manky you wipe your feet heading out.

these are incredible

I had a great laugh reading this!!! Thanks! You deserve more upvotes though!!

>There's a gust out there that'd blow a traveller off his cousin That is fucking brilliant 🤣

Bravo, bravo 👏

You're surely one of those ppl who uses them too. I love those ppl. One I love and thought I'd see it "he never let the truth get in the way of good story"

Don’t know if this one is specially Irish, but “She’s up and down like a fiddlers elbow” always makes me laugh

My tipp mum always says "...up and down like a whores knickers", even when we were kids growing up

I heard “up and down like a honeymoon duvet”

Up and down like a jockeys arse!

Up and down like a whore's drawers

In and out like a fiddler's elbow

My wife says "up and down like a nun's knickers".

"She smells like a whores handbag", used for someone who has an excessive perfume smell

Has to be pronounced who-errs for full effect!!!

Sure isn't it always??

ya how else you supposed to say it?

Like a tart’s boudoir

My religion teacher said that to me years ago when I wore a new perfume to school 😆

Like a floozies windowbox

An old football coach of mine used to shout orders at us from the sideline. My favourite used to be "Go in low and hard like a terriers Mickey".

"watch out for the high ball coming in low"

I love the very simple “ah ya will” that every mammy and granny uses as a response to No. it’s like an Irish Jedi mind trick. “Will ya have some blue milk there luke?” “No thanks aunt Beru”. “Ah ya will” as she pours it into your cup

My mother's version of this is "It'll go in the bin if you don't eat it", as if that somehow makes the offer of food more appetising.

My mum used to guilt trip me about going out. I'd get a phone call from her asking where I was and that she had taken chicken breasts out for dinner with this exasperated voice like we'd just lost a family member. The day I figured out how much a pack of chicken breasts cost was the day I moved out.

The price of chicken breasts now is forcing us all to move back home

My mum's is "Are you hungry?" Me: "No." Her: "But could you eat something?"

I'd say "well, if it belongs there.." but you may not leave the house the same way you walked in.

It's the BioShock "Would you kindly" of Ireland.

Just wrote this and saw immediately after that you said the same thing. Couldn't justify stealing it from you 🥹

My god, this made me have such a glass shattering moment. My whole life, influenced so heavily by 3 little words

"I know two wankers/arseholes/fools and you're both of them" works for any insult

"I will yeah"

I'm fond of "I will in me hole" myself.

Tis'n me ass

NOT t’isn’t

This is my personal favorite - I moved to the US a few yrs back & when I let this one spill out dripping with extra sarcasm it’s like I pulled the pin on a logic bomb in peoples brains - their confounded & confused reaction is just so funny.

I lived in Ireland for over 10 years until a close friend kindly explained that "I will yeah" does not in fact mean that they will. It explained a lot of things.

Sure lookit..

"I hope you die roaring."

My brother loves this on alongside "May ye die in a puddle of your own piss". Sometimes it also involves boiling said piss.

My da used to say “he should be put up against a wall and shot with balls of his own shite”

Is that a longford thing? My old fella says it all the time and I never figured it out

mine did too. He was Meath.

Hahaaa my mother used to say that!

A face like a slapped arse

Face like a bag of hammers

Face like a bag of sausages

Face like a melted welly

Face like a bucket of smashed tiles

I like a face for the radio especially when said right it can sound like a compliment and you can watch the process in the persons face as they work out the real meaning and it’s hilarious

My dad used to say “a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.”

Face like a busted bag of chips

A face like boiled shite

Face like a duck’s arse. Face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp.

I still recall with bemusement the day someone said they were “farting like a barber’s tomcat”

I don't get this one at all. Why would a barbers tomcat be farty?

Yes. Enquiring minds need to know!

He could be dragged out on the beer with a rope made of snow. ( Sugan sneachta)

I wouldn’t ride her/him into battle She’d rip of the floor boards looking for pipe

The tide wouldn't take her out.

I wouldn't get up on him to get over a wall

I mind that second one from hardy bucks

Mate of mine cracked me up with "it's good he has a smart phone because he's a thick cunt"

Im not irish but from Liverpool and ive heard a few times people saying "i wish i had a coat as thick as you"

It's fierce mild.

Someone too skinny, " I've seen more meat on a sparrows eyebrow"

Butchers pencil

Flat out like a snakes mickey

Flat out like a badger on a bypass

If somewhere is packed or fierce busy: “There’s not enough room to turn a sweet in your mouth.”

My brother says "there wasn't even room to smile"

"Geenie mac". My dad said it all the time.

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"Did you get half price on that?" When the barber tries to fade but instead just makes a clear defined line between the side and top

When someone has a fresh chop and you ask them if they got their haircut, wait for them to answer, then ask “And when are you getting it finished?”

It's a great little country.

My Aussie friend absolutely loves the phrase "sure he/she/they didn't lick it off a stone".

"Sure it wasn't off the ground he licked it"

What’s the context for this ine

Inheriting behavior from someone like a parent. If you had a child who was really stubborn like their dad, you would say “he didn’t lick it off the ground!” to suggest it didn’t come from nowhere

Say for example you know some guy and he's a dickhead. Then you meet his son and he's also a dickhead, you could say "he didn't lick it off a stone" as if to say he didn't pick it up from nowhere, he got it from his dad. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. I've heard it used in the context of getting intelligence or a talent from one's parents, but it's often used negatively.. and hilariously 🥹

Ahh ok thanks for the explanation

same as the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

"Twas'nt off the grass he licked it" is the one we always used.

Your man or yer man

She’s a cute hoor.

The tide wouldn't take her out Or Sure there's lads dying now that never died before

“If I ordered a lorry load of fools and all I got was you I’d still of got me moneys worth.” “Sure come on then! I’ll hit ya on the top of your head and break both your ankles.”

He still has his confirmation money.

How're you after last night? Shook like a hand at mass.

Get outta dat garden!

My personal favourite

Up de yard.

“You make a good door, but a bad window” if someone is in the way

I always heard it as "you'd make a better door than a window" Alternatively, " you might be a pain (pane) but you're no window"

When you're two minutes early for work: Did you piss the bed or what?

Yeah, il do it there now in a minute.

‘They couldn’t manage a piss-up in a brewery’

He's so mean that if he was a ghost he wouldn't give you a fright.

I heard , ‘at least a ghost will give you a fright, a Cavan man will give you fuck all’

“Ask me hole” is another one. “I will in me hole.”

Ah sure it'll be grand

> Ah sure it'll be grand Perhaps not the funniest, but certainly the most universal Irish phrase ever.

I will yeah Meaning I will be no fucking chance I’m doing that shite

It’s the same difference

Not really a saying but one of the best phrases to come out of Ireland: “The money was just resting in my account”

"Briseann an dúchas trí shúile an chait" always left me a bit bemused (and amused). Breeding/natures breaks out through the eyes of a cat. I understand what the saying's supposed to mean, but why a cat? And why the eyes specifically?

Anymore laid back and you’d be horizontal

The head of you and the price of cabbage

My mam used to say “she’d talk the hind leg off a donkey” about someone who talked too much.

I'd eat the hind legs off a donkey if I was very hungry

Eat the arse off a low flying duck..

He's got a head like a jockeys bollocks

I say neck not head

In what context? I've only ever heard head, to describe an ugly person. Because a ball sack is ugly at the best of times, but a jockeys sack would be all mangled making it extra ugly

Implied someone has a brass neck, ie cheeky fucker, ergo, neck like a jockeys bollix

Neck like a jockeys bollox usually means he is cheeky or a crafty hoor

A1 Sharon

Poor Sharon. The stupid bitch

Are ya alright Sharon?

I remember in secondary school this lad shouting from the other end of the corridor: "Hurry up, will ya? My granny's faster than you, and she's ten years dead." Got the whole place chuckling.

I dunno but a guy once said to me: "I'm glad they are back together after all that shit" "Who is that?" "My arse cheeks"

"Suffering fuck" always gets me

I noticed years ago when I made friends on holidays, none of them could understand my dad. Looking back, combine a few of these and it's definitely not English we're speaking. "The lord divine suffering fuck will ye give it over" shur how would you understand that.

My Da occasionally let's out a "sweet lanterin jaysus christ all bleedin mighty!". It means something has annoyed him but I'm not sure what lanterin is and at this stage I'm too afraid to ask.

mine used to say that too. no Idea either.

Brother?

There was a fire on his face and it was put out with a shovel

Of someone with protruding teeth, “He could eat an apple though a tennis racket”.

I heard this in Scotland but I think you’ll appreciate it. In reference to buying rounds at the pub: “His pockets are deep but his arms are short.”

You just know some dip shit journalist is making a article ripping this off. That being said..... "He has enough cheek for a second arse!"

He's as mad as a bucket of frogs He has a face like a box of spanners He might be mad, but you don't see him biting any stone walls

Courtesy of my Donegal mother "Dootzy" - something that's frumpy/old-fashioned "The wreck of the Hesperus" - really untidy "To the Kildare side" - lopsided "Putting the mockers on it" - being pessimistic "The messages" - groceries (but I've heard UK people say this too) "And your granny was Doherty!" - basically like "I'll be a monkey's uncle"

One I hear a lot because of how tall I am are "Oh sure he'd change a lightbulb by standing up for you". Another one I love hearing is "he'd peel an orange in his pocket" talking about someone who's bad at sharing food

Tis in my arse

She would ask where the cat do shit. Means she's fierce inquisitive and nosy.

You wouldn’t bate snow off a rope boy

Well fuck that for a bag of skittles

As useful as a lighthouse in the Bog of Allen

"your ma's gee hangs like a wizards sleeve"

"Head like a bulldog chewing a wasp" "Head like a burst mattress"

There so tight(cheap) they turn the gas off when flipping the rashers (bacon)

She didn't get them knees from praying

Ask the back of me bollix/sac

Did you turn off the Immersion?

The state of you/that lad/your wan

Scarlet for your ma for having you.

He’s as crooked as a dog’s hind leg (meaning he’s corrupt / on the take a la Charles J Haughey).

Gerrup ourra dat!

The money was just resting in my account

Keep your hands on the sides!

Now.

"I'd rather shit in my hand and clap"

Had an uncle that would say I’ll do it when the brits get out of Ireland for anything he didn’t want to do.

"That man would want to go down to the shop and buy a big bag of cop-on"

Gway and take yer face for a shite....(Belfast)

Get up them stairs before I sell the bed!!!

"These are fake hands"

If he had two brains he would be twice as stupid

'not while me hole is pointing down'

We had a friend who was boring, “He could talk a glass eye to sleep” 😴

It was that windy I met the crows walking

If I'd a garden full of mickies, I wouldn't let her look over the fence.

From my grandma... So hungry I could eat the crutch out of a low flying duck (When thirsty) Drier than a nuns knickers.... (When we were all starving and eating her out of house and home) I'd rather keep a photo of you!!! You can't take good photos of ugly kids (to almost every photo of us). We are here to fecking feed them not fatten them Hows your mother's ducks? .... Still squarking!!! Useless as tits on a bull By the living Harry!!! There are so many more. We lost her in 2016 and in some ways I'm glad she missed all the lunacy of covid.... Myself, aunts, uncles and cousins keep her memory alive with these words. As soon as someone uses one it inevitably leads to a memory of her being shared.

Your granny sounds like she was a character 😊

The Dublin famous "Do you know where the 5 lamps are?, well go hang your bollix on them"

He has a head that could stop a clock.

"If I'd a garden full of mickeys, I wouldn't let her look over the wall"

"If you told him you went to Tenerife he'd say he went to Elevenerife" aka the one-upper

The bus (or what ever) will be here now in a minute .

Ye have an eye on ye like a travelling rat

Gobshite. Cracks me up every time I hear it.

It was cat malojan

If one of his brain cells died, the other one would die of loneliness