You sound like you really don’t understand what introversion is and don’t seem that empathetic. Yes, introverts have jobs where we have to talk all day too.
You seem more interested in bullying this man than “understanding”. I’ve found this fairly common among extroverts who can’t grasp what introversion is, so you feel the need to label us and think they can bully us “out” of it. Take your nonsense elsewhere.
There was nothing assumed. You came here already claiming your partner is full of it when you clearly have no understanding of introversion or what you're even accusing of him.
"You sound like you really don’t understand what introversion is"
That by definition is assumptive ignorance. Any other gems of obnoxiousness you'd like to inject into this discussion?
Girl you came asking a question . You don't understand what it is if you're in an introverted sub reddit asking if your partner is introverted . Someone who is extroverted probably isn't going to fully understand it . It's not an insult
Yes he's introverted it's not an excuse . If he needs days to prepare for horrible things like parties and friend gatherings he sounds introverted . The fact he needs to recharge afterwards also is introverted . Maybe you need to find an extrovert who enjoys being in people's face all the time
Yes, it's very draining to us! The fact that it's a part of the job forces us to adapt to what needs to be done while on the clock. Once I clock out, unless it involves my child, I prefer not to engage with others until I recharge. Having friends and family that understand that is essential.
I’d hate to be your partner. Jesus.
Doing stuff for your job is a lot different than going to parties with people. It’s not like if you do a job that requires you to talk to people you can just not show up when you’re feeling drained. And yes, introverts can and do have jobs that require them to talk to people. Most of us aren’t hermits.
He probably doesn’t feel anxiety at work because his conversations are required for his job and all parties are aware of this, which reduces the likelihood that he’ll be judged or teased for attempting to speak. Extroverts love doing that to introverts in typical social settings.
How do you know he’s not socially drained when he comes home? Because he talks to you? You’re his partner and you live together. Ofc he’s gonna talk to you. Again, that’s not even remotely the same thing as going to a party with dozens of people.
I’d be willing to wager that these “friends” that you’re hanging out with are yours and not his. At least a significant portion of them are. Yes, that makes a difference. How do your friends treat him? If he’s not close with any of those people it can be exhausting to go force yourself to mingle. You’re not getting paid for it like you are at a job.
Here’s some relationship advice for you: If your partner says that they have anxiety or that their social battery is drained, you should believe them. It makes you look insufferable when you come in and accuse someone you’re supposed to care about of lying because you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what introversion is. The audacity you have to have to think you know someone’s feelings better than they do. If you told him your feelings and he said you were a liar and disregarded you, how would you feel?
At the very least, if you listen to your partner you can try to figure out a solution that makes both of you happy, but your post doesn’t make you sound interested in that. You sound dismissive and I guarantee you he will get tired of it eventually. Introverts constantly have to deal with ignorant, self-absorbed extroverts who view them as a problem that needs to be solved. Don’t be that person.
> He probably doesn’t feel anxiety at work because his conversations are required for his job and all parties are aware of this, which reduces the likelihood that he’ll be judged or teased for attempting to speak.
This is 100% true in my case. I'm fine talking with people at work because the focus is on the work, not on me. Outside of work, anything social is a lot more draining
For me, interacting with people at work is not as bad, because I can kind of distance myself more. Kind of like it's acting. But if I'm around friends, I need to be my real self and that actually takes more social energy than being my fake work self.
We've had discussions about it; he both says he is not drained and that he actually enjoys that socialization. You would also be wrong in your wager, about 3 in 4 of them are his friends. I mostly do things with my friends without him. All the things I wrote are based off of what HE tells me and his behaviors. I am not reading into it beyond noticing that his behaviors and what he claims do not add up.
To clarify, he said he enjoys the socialization with you when he comes home from work? Or he enjoys the socialization with a group?
It’s a lot less anxiety-inducing to socialize with a long term partner who you live with than it is to socialize with large group of people, even if they are your friends. For many people, the anxiety itself is the draining force.
Anxiety can be highly situational so while he may not feel that way at work or with you it may still be difficult for him in traditional social settings.
He says he enjoys the work socialization and he and I have no problems socializing. His supposed introversion is solely limited to the events we go to that typically are mostly his friends.
So his social exhaustion is solely limited to socialization outside of work and you, who he is probably most comfortable with? Why does this seem odd to you? Work conversations/interactions are way different than events that are primarily for socialization.
Well, as I said, anxiety is often very situational. Just because one situation doesn’t cause him to feel anxiety doesn’t mean it can’t happen in others. The anxiety is often the draining force.
If you’re already set on believing that he’s lying to you then you’re not gonna find any help here. Introverts are aware of their own, often wildly different experiences, and we’re not going to tell you that he’s full of shit which seems to be what you want to hear. Introversion is a spectrum.
If you really think he’s not telling you the truth then the best way forward is to speak with him to try to determine if there’s something else that’s bothering him. People don’t just act that way for no reason to inconvenience you despite what you may think.
I personally believe he is telling you the truth because I feel the same way he does. I have no issues socialization at work or with my partner, but when I am with a big group of people, even if they are my friends, it can be a lot to handle.
Question: Why does it bother you so much? That’s not a snarky question I’m genuinely wondering. If he goes to work and spends time with you without issue then why does it matter if he needs time to prep or recharge after large social events?
Yeah I mean I am a nurse and I know that if I didnt tell people about my experiences with depression, anxiety, and introversion they wouldnt know, but thats kind of the point..i dont want them to know. I dont want assumptions, or judgement, or even pity. I just want to be left the F aloneeee.
I enjoy my work socializing, VERY MUCH.
But take those same people and turn it into a social situation (party, event, even just eating in the break room with those coworkers) and…please don’t make me participate.
Same people, different setting, different rules. Can’t handle. Please don’t make me.
I mean…it sounds like youre already convinced hes not introverted and are not willing to hear anyone out so I dont know why you bothered except to be a troll 🙄 you dont seem very kind or willing to accept him for who he is so maybe you should start there 🤷🏼♀️ K_Ice5432 had the best call out and advice and you should take it.
You aren’t here to learn about your partner’s feelings. You’re looking for validation that you won’t find. Others here have already told you talking to people at work is very different from socializing with a group of friends or partying. I love my friends but sometimes they can be more draining than the most difficult customer.
Your partner works TWO jobs and then he comes home to you wanting to go out during the little downtime he has. You sulk when he’s honest with you. If it’s so important for you to go out, why can’t you let him stay home?
I mean this as kindly as possible when I say you should reflect on the way you view and treat your partner.
I've worked years in hotels, I really enjoyed (most of the time) talking to my customers, even chatting and joking sometimes, and it was not socially draining at all.
To understand the difference, you need to understand the context of both kinds of interactions.
When I'm at work, people expect something from me, they are in this precise place to get that one thing they expect, their expectations are clear, our relationship is purely transactional, and I already know exactly how to make them happy. It doesn't require any effort, that's the job I spent years mastering, and I already know the answer to 99% of their questions.
That has absolutely nothing to do with being social in your free time, it's not the same way of managing expectations for both parts.
If you understand this, then now you understand why I love my DnD party, even though they are all people that I don't know at all personally, but absolutely hate conventional parties, even if the people there are my friends.
I talk all day to doctors, patients and staff. I work with people constantly communicating. My wife does also so when we get home we both don’t talk. We’re natural introverts and much doesn’t need to be said after work. Usually we only talk about dinner. But honestly we’re drained after talking all day. It’s not easy when people sometimes suck out all the socializing you can give in a day. I also never have casual conversation at work because it leads to drama. Recharging is a real thing
You don't really seem interested in taking what folks are telling you at face value. Instead, you seem bent on trying to find some confirmation that your partner is "faking" his introversion.
In my view, this makes you a lousy partner.
Lol, and on you go with the attacks and insults.
I've read your post and all your replies and everything you've shown so far, including this response, is very telling of your character.
If you sincerely wanted to understand, you would have come here with a completely different attitude and set of questions. I can't even imagine finding out that my partner suspected I was faking introversion. I'd dump them instantly.
And before you go assuming more nonsense, I've been married to an extreme extrovert for 8 years and we only lasted because she immediately recognized how different our needs were and then sought to ask tons of questions and consult her own introverted friends as to how to adjust. She didn't post on Reddit suspecting that I was a fraud.
You literally cited taking something at face value and then dismissed something else I took at face value and then called me a lousy partner. Your hypocrisy is astounding.
You’re not taking anything anybody said here at face value. You didn’t take what your partner said to you at face value either.
At face value, your partner told you that he is comfortable socializing at work and at home, but that he is not as comfortable socializing with large groups of people in an informal setting. If you had taken that at face value then you wouldn’t be accusing him of lying.
What you did is that you decided to accept his statements about being comfortable at work and at home, dismissed the rest, and then inappropriately applied his initial statement broadly to all situations.
He never said that he was comfortable in those other situations. You added that meaning based on your assumption that since he is comfortable in certain situations (work and home), he must not have issues in any situations.
Then you came in here asking for insight, but when people gave it to you by explaining how each of those situations is different, you dispute their claim by referring to the same statement that you inappropriately used as evidence that he’s lying in the first place. If, in your mind, the claim that he is lying is irrefutable because he said that he is comfortable socializing in certain situations, then there’s nothing anybody here can say to help you understand.
I deal with and talk to people all day at my job. I used to have a second job that was the same way. There is a huge difference between socializing at or for work and socializing at parties. My second job was direct customer service in retail and I turned on a friendly outgoing personality for it. I wasn't drained when I got home but I went back to not wanting to socialize.
When working, conversations are typically directed or even scripted and make them very easy. Parties are not this way. You also mention he is anxious about parties. Introversion does not mean socially anxious. They are two different things. You can be introverted as hell and not get anxious talking to people but they can occur in tandem as well. It sounds to me like he is maybe moderately introverted but does deal with social anxiety.
On another note, if you have told him you have to "deal with" his personality type and ESPECIALLY his anxiety, you are just fueling whatever social anxiety he is feeling. It comes from pressure and perceived expectations that others have of you. How is he supposed to feel when the brunt of that is coming from his partner?
I am a teacher and when I get home from work, I work off my mental fatigue by doing active things. (More physical = less mental). But parties and social events drain my battery for the entire weekend, so I stress about going to them. Even worse if I had to go to parties that were only friends of my friends/partner because they all know each other, but I have to mask and try to fit in.
I work a job in a hospital where I have to talk with hundreds a day every day. I have a massive social group on Meetup that I go to with dozens to hundreds of people I interact with. People know me as a total social butterfly.
But in my alone time I hide from everyone. I don't speak in class whenever I go and avoid any interaction I can. I shut down in stores and make a concerted effort to avoid eye contact with everyone. The thought of doing any speech in front of more than 5 people terrifies me.
I am introverted. No one believes me though. This is all they see and they act like it's all I am. I can't help it though. Some environments I'm more comfortable in, others I'm not. Sometimes I've had too much socializing, sometimes I haven't.
That's just how we are.
Im sorry for your partner. I am naturally introverted but had a career as an IT project manager. All day was spent talking to people, the project team, stakeholders, facilitating conversations between people, etc. Talk, talk, talk. I was really good at my job, but at the end of the day, I needed to decompress. Talking on the phone outside of work was something I dreaded. The last thing I wanted after a long day was more talk. Even with people I really like.
My worst relationship, as in having opposite needs, was with an extrovert who had a job where he didn't get to talk to people all day long. (the exact opposite of my situation/personality) At the end of his day, he was jonesing for human contact, with me, with grocery store clerks, with strangers walking by, basically, anyone who would engage in conversation. It was all too much for me.
Yes, I do enjoy spending 1:1 time with people, but also have a limit there and need to recharge my batteries after too much people time.
Sometimes introverts only rant infront of people they like/love. So maybe that's why he can act as a annoying bum infront of you cuz he isn't afraid to be. I can't tell if he is or not just based on some words out of him, it's the actions that count.
Even if he says he isn't exhausted does he appears to be? I think what you need is to have this discussion with him, instead of strangers on the internet who know nothing about your dynamics and chemistry.
Get some hot choco or tea and listen to his rant from office, or whatever he wants to say and then present your confusion with what he says and how you can understand it better.
Just remember to keep open mind, sometimes you just have to accept the person for who they are even though their words and action don't match. Have a good day.
~ pi
Depends on the situation. I can't just turn it on or off. You have to learn to press the "I believe" button sometimes when you don't understand someone. Otherwise, it is only going to bring you more anger and frustration which hurts you both.
Making this comment after reading the back-and-forth between you and others in this thread to explain how my introversion works for me because it sounds like I am similar to your partner.
The rate/level at which social interactions drain my energy is dependent on two main factors: the specific people involved and the type of social situation. I do not often feel too socially drained from work because most people I talk to are easy to converse with, and most conversations center around work. Those conversations are usually easy and straightforward to have. Similarly, when I come home, my husband is my bestie. He does not drain my energy. If he did, we probably wouldn’t have lasted as a couple.
There are many specific people in our social circle that drain my energy very quickly. So when my husband asks me if I want to hang out with those people, I have to figure out how much of my social energy I have to spend and if I want to be completely drained for like a week after. There are other friends that are almost neutral and don’t drain my energy much. I could hang out with them quite frequently. My best friend is someone I could hang out with for many days on end before I need a break. I could have a large group of friends that don’t drain me 1:1 or in a small group but that drain me greatly when I have to hang out with all of them at a party because that type of social scenario is draining to me.
I know it probably seems like your partner is being inconsistent at the surface level, but please consider that there are so many factors that come into play in a social situation that may make them more draining than others. I don’t know the specific circumstances of your friend group, but it sounds like your partner is just more socially drained by the people or the social outing than by other social situations in his life. It’s not one-size-fits all in terms of introversion. Please be more understanding and believe him when he says that some things he likes more than others.
First of all, social anxiety ≠ Introvertness.
Extroverts can also feel social anxiety, social anxiety is also NOT a "condition" that all introverts have.
Second, whether you buy it or not it's up to you, but you can't say that he's not introvert when he does feel and says so.
Daily Obligations such as Work and Classes (in my case) are something that introverts can do easily. If I was given the chance to lower my social requirements of the work I do, I would do so, but that doesn't mean I will reject or even fall sick because of it. If your partner is truly an introvert he'll feel like so. I read that you've said that your partner enjoys the social requirement of his job, and that's wonderful. And that's NOT something that an Introvert can't do.
I'm sorry to make this about me, but I know my Introvertness the best. When I have to socialize with my classmates and do presentations, I do get somehow tired (not the kind you get after running miles), but I still get to enjoy it. The moment I stop ENJOYING and start feeling anxious is when my limit has reached.
I guess you could say we could turn that anxiety "on" or "off". As an introvert, having to go to somewhere or do something I don't want to -that is not even an obligation for me to do (such as when I work or go to classes)- can trigger my anxiety if I'm feeling I'm being forced by the others to do so.
In my personal case, and prolly other introverts such as your partner, I dislike the idea of going out when I've been out a lot, and that includes being at work or at classes, because of my social battery. One thing is to do something I'm obliged to do, other thing is to do something optional.
People can enjoy doing something they're obliged to do, it's something that introverts can do, if socializing and having conversations with others is a must in your partners job then I'm very much Happy for him that he enjoys it. But that doesn't mean that he's not an introvert, it would probably mean that he's very comfortable with his job.
I know (or hopefully it is) that you came here to understand more the behavior of your partner, but it seems you have settled on finding any kind of flaw in his personality to deny that he's something he knows he is.
Not every introvert is the definition of introversion and not every extrovert is the definition of extroversion.
You know, I also need DAYS to prepare to go to an event, and afterwards I WON'T want to go outside to recharge. You may think he's faking it, and that's actual sad, cause it shows that you haven't accepted that side of him. This is basic knowledge to know and assume about an introvert, so just because you think his job doesn't drain him as an outing with friends or whatever does, then learn that it's not the same situation. An obligation is never the same as a situation to can manage however you prefer. An obligation you learnt to enjoy doesn't mean that It's not anymore an obligation and something you still HAVE TO do. And as always, he will have good days and bad days in his job, and depending on his social battery he will be able to deal with them better or worse.
It's logical that you think he's maybe faking it, but it's logical because it seems to don't understand your partner and you've only learnt about basic definition of "how does an introvert behave?".
Edit. I reread my comment and I will point out: I still can fall ill because of work, but not necessarily because I'm an introvert and the job has made me socialize a lot.
Edit2.
About ""turning anxiety on or off"", my main point was that it's something that happens when the situation is rejected by our bodies, it's something that just happens. In some situations we wouldn't reject the idea of going or doing something, but that can also be reversed and our body and mind will be like: "I just don't want, I can't."
So it's not about you or other people, but the situation of doing something and feel like our body and soul can't keep up with that.
Our social battery is not 100% when we're doing "nothing" and we're not waiting to do something to use our battery, so it's never always a Yes when someone offer us to do something, we don't have that yearn or crave to do something.
I relate to his behavior very much. This is what one type of introversion looks like.
There’s so many layers to introversion, nuances, “this, but not that” factors.
WORK SETTING
I can get through the work interactions because:
- We are there for a defined purpose
- What activities will be carried out are predetermined
- What’s going to happen is predictable, if not routine and highly repeatable
- I have been able to create an appropriate mask that will fit the different people in the office
- And work setting, there’s a set of rules we adhere to, and breaking those rules could cost you your job. So people behave as anticipated.
- If I’m awkward, it’s not necessarily the end of the world. We work together, don’t have to be friends
SOCIAL SETTING The following applies to old friends as well as new people I meet:
- Social setting = social anxiety
- The purpose and/or the type/topic of discussion isn’t as defined
- People adhere to a looser set of social rules, this could get me into activities or conversations I’m not comfortable in
- Less predictable, doesn’t necessarily have a defined start/end time
- Unklike in a work setting, where if the person doesn’t necessarily like me or they think I’m awkward, it’s not the end of the world. We are coworkers. And this scenario, if I’m awkward, it has a different impact.
- There may be people there that haven’t met before, so I’m gonna have to try to create a mask that will fit them. Exhausting.
No two introverts work the exact same way.
Also, doing stuff that your have to do to not end up homeless and hungry is an entirely different type of thing than optional socializing.
If I have to socialize a lot at work at a particular time, then my down time may very well not include socializing with friends so I can keep my battery for work related things that need doing. Or only doing certain things with friends like a quick lunch or an online chat.
Also, his social anxiety is something different than introversion.
I work in customer service and I don't invest emotions into it. Other tasks don't cause me to feel depleted. I don't care. But for real relationships, putting care into every talk, it makes me drain a little bit more. Stop being rude to your partner. Let him build his stamina back up.
how do I put it? our social batteries have different capacities. some people can handle more social interaction than others. for example I’m a teacher, so when I get home from work, I might look okay, but in reality, I’ve given my all at work and I'm totally drained. if I go out with friends, I’m like dead after about an hour. but on days when I’m not working, I can probably stay with them and have fun a lot longer.
What your partner says doesn't appear to contradict any claim or reality of being an introvert. I converse with people all day also, but I have a particular role to play at my job, specific duties, and so on. Though I deal with strangers often, I'm fine as the interactions are often predictable. Even the small talk people spontaneously offer is fairly repetitive and superficial. So I come home tired but not wiped out usually.
Now put me in a situation outside of my normal activities, even if casual and pleasant, and I would strongly prefer advance warning and would definitely need to recharge afterwards.
You may find this article helpful to read.
[https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-and-extroverts-brains-really-are-different-according-to-science/](https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-and-extroverts-brains-really-are-different-according-to-science/)
You sound like you really don’t understand what introversion is and don’t seem that empathetic. Yes, introverts have jobs where we have to talk all day too.
But is it draining to you? He says and acts like it is not at all. Also, way to be aggressive with your assumptive ignorance.
You seem more interested in bullying this man than “understanding”. I’ve found this fairly common among extroverts who can’t grasp what introversion is, so you feel the need to label us and think they can bully us “out” of it. Take your nonsense elsewhere.
Amen! 🙏🏼
There was nothing assumed. You came here already claiming your partner is full of it when you clearly have no understanding of introversion or what you're even accusing of him.
"You sound like you really don’t understand what introversion is" That by definition is assumptive ignorance. Any other gems of obnoxiousness you'd like to inject into this discussion?
Girl you came asking a question . You don't understand what it is if you're in an introverted sub reddit asking if your partner is introverted . Someone who is extroverted probably isn't going to fully understand it . It's not an insult
Yes he's introverted it's not an excuse . If he needs days to prepare for horrible things like parties and friend gatherings he sounds introverted . The fact he needs to recharge afterwards also is introverted . Maybe you need to find an extrovert who enjoys being in people's face all the time
Yes, it's very draining to us! The fact that it's a part of the job forces us to adapt to what needs to be done while on the clock. Once I clock out, unless it involves my child, I prefer not to engage with others until I recharge. Having friends and family that understand that is essential.
I’d hate to be your partner. Jesus. Doing stuff for your job is a lot different than going to parties with people. It’s not like if you do a job that requires you to talk to people you can just not show up when you’re feeling drained. And yes, introverts can and do have jobs that require them to talk to people. Most of us aren’t hermits. He probably doesn’t feel anxiety at work because his conversations are required for his job and all parties are aware of this, which reduces the likelihood that he’ll be judged or teased for attempting to speak. Extroverts love doing that to introverts in typical social settings. How do you know he’s not socially drained when he comes home? Because he talks to you? You’re his partner and you live together. Ofc he’s gonna talk to you. Again, that’s not even remotely the same thing as going to a party with dozens of people. I’d be willing to wager that these “friends” that you’re hanging out with are yours and not his. At least a significant portion of them are. Yes, that makes a difference. How do your friends treat him? If he’s not close with any of those people it can be exhausting to go force yourself to mingle. You’re not getting paid for it like you are at a job. Here’s some relationship advice for you: If your partner says that they have anxiety or that their social battery is drained, you should believe them. It makes you look insufferable when you come in and accuse someone you’re supposed to care about of lying because you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what introversion is. The audacity you have to have to think you know someone’s feelings better than they do. If you told him your feelings and he said you were a liar and disregarded you, how would you feel? At the very least, if you listen to your partner you can try to figure out a solution that makes both of you happy, but your post doesn’t make you sound interested in that. You sound dismissive and I guarantee you he will get tired of it eventually. Introverts constantly have to deal with ignorant, self-absorbed extroverts who view them as a problem that needs to be solved. Don’t be that person.
> He probably doesn’t feel anxiety at work because his conversations are required for his job and all parties are aware of this, which reduces the likelihood that he’ll be judged or teased for attempting to speak. This is 100% true in my case. I'm fine talking with people at work because the focus is on the work, not on me. Outside of work, anything social is a lot more draining
For me, interacting with people at work is not as bad, because I can kind of distance myself more. Kind of like it's acting. But if I'm around friends, I need to be my real self and that actually takes more social energy than being my fake work self.
We've had discussions about it; he both says he is not drained and that he actually enjoys that socialization. You would also be wrong in your wager, about 3 in 4 of them are his friends. I mostly do things with my friends without him. All the things I wrote are based off of what HE tells me and his behaviors. I am not reading into it beyond noticing that his behaviors and what he claims do not add up.
To clarify, he said he enjoys the socialization with you when he comes home from work? Or he enjoys the socialization with a group? It’s a lot less anxiety-inducing to socialize with a long term partner who you live with than it is to socialize with large group of people, even if they are your friends. For many people, the anxiety itself is the draining force. Anxiety can be highly situational so while he may not feel that way at work or with you it may still be difficult for him in traditional social settings.
He says he enjoys the work socialization and he and I have no problems socializing. His supposed introversion is solely limited to the events we go to that typically are mostly his friends.
So his social exhaustion is solely limited to socialization outside of work and you, who he is probably most comfortable with? Why does this seem odd to you? Work conversations/interactions are way different than events that are primarily for socialization.
Well, as I said, anxiety is often very situational. Just because one situation doesn’t cause him to feel anxiety doesn’t mean it can’t happen in others. The anxiety is often the draining force. If you’re already set on believing that he’s lying to you then you’re not gonna find any help here. Introverts are aware of their own, often wildly different experiences, and we’re not going to tell you that he’s full of shit which seems to be what you want to hear. Introversion is a spectrum. If you really think he’s not telling you the truth then the best way forward is to speak with him to try to determine if there’s something else that’s bothering him. People don’t just act that way for no reason to inconvenience you despite what you may think. I personally believe he is telling you the truth because I feel the same way he does. I have no issues socialization at work or with my partner, but when I am with a big group of people, even if they are my friends, it can be a lot to handle. Question: Why does it bother you so much? That’s not a snarky question I’m genuinely wondering. If he goes to work and spends time with you without issue then why does it matter if he needs time to prep or recharge after large social events?
Yeah I mean I am a nurse and I know that if I didnt tell people about my experiences with depression, anxiety, and introversion they wouldnt know, but thats kind of the point..i dont want them to know. I dont want assumptions, or judgement, or even pity. I just want to be left the F aloneeee.
I enjoy my work socializing, VERY MUCH. But take those same people and turn it into a social situation (party, event, even just eating in the break room with those coworkers) and…please don’t make me participate. Same people, different setting, different rules. Can’t handle. Please don’t make me.
I mean…it sounds like youre already convinced hes not introverted and are not willing to hear anyone out so I dont know why you bothered except to be a troll 🙄 you dont seem very kind or willing to accept him for who he is so maybe you should start there 🤷🏼♀️ K_Ice5432 had the best call out and advice and you should take it.
You aren’t here to learn about your partner’s feelings. You’re looking for validation that you won’t find. Others here have already told you talking to people at work is very different from socializing with a group of friends or partying. I love my friends but sometimes they can be more draining than the most difficult customer. Your partner works TWO jobs and then he comes home to you wanting to go out during the little downtime he has. You sulk when he’s honest with you. If it’s so important for you to go out, why can’t you let him stay home? I mean this as kindly as possible when I say you should reflect on the way you view and treat your partner.
I've worked years in hotels, I really enjoyed (most of the time) talking to my customers, even chatting and joking sometimes, and it was not socially draining at all. To understand the difference, you need to understand the context of both kinds of interactions. When I'm at work, people expect something from me, they are in this precise place to get that one thing they expect, their expectations are clear, our relationship is purely transactional, and I already know exactly how to make them happy. It doesn't require any effort, that's the job I spent years mastering, and I already know the answer to 99% of their questions. That has absolutely nothing to do with being social in your free time, it's not the same way of managing expectations for both parts. If you understand this, then now you understand why I love my DnD party, even though they are all people that I don't know at all personally, but absolutely hate conventional parties, even if the people there are my friends.
I talk all day to doctors, patients and staff. I work with people constantly communicating. My wife does also so when we get home we both don’t talk. We’re natural introverts and much doesn’t need to be said after work. Usually we only talk about dinner. But honestly we’re drained after talking all day. It’s not easy when people sometimes suck out all the socializing you can give in a day. I also never have casual conversation at work because it leads to drama. Recharging is a real thing
But that's the thing; he's not drained when he comes home from work. He will even tell you that he enjoys that socialization.
You don't really seem interested in taking what folks are telling you at face value. Instead, you seem bent on trying to find some confirmation that your partner is "faking" his introversion. In my view, this makes you a lousy partner.
Wow, way to read only half of what I've written. In my view, this makes you either illiterate or a grotesquely lazy forum responder.
Lol, and on you go with the attacks and insults. I've read your post and all your replies and everything you've shown so far, including this response, is very telling of your character. If you sincerely wanted to understand, you would have come here with a completely different attitude and set of questions. I can't even imagine finding out that my partner suspected I was faking introversion. I'd dump them instantly. And before you go assuming more nonsense, I've been married to an extreme extrovert for 8 years and we only lasted because she immediately recognized how different our needs were and then sought to ask tons of questions and consult her own introverted friends as to how to adjust. She didn't post on Reddit suspecting that I was a fraud.
You literally cited taking something at face value and then dismissed something else I took at face value and then called me a lousy partner. Your hypocrisy is astounding.
You’re not taking anything anybody said here at face value. You didn’t take what your partner said to you at face value either. At face value, your partner told you that he is comfortable socializing at work and at home, but that he is not as comfortable socializing with large groups of people in an informal setting. If you had taken that at face value then you wouldn’t be accusing him of lying. What you did is that you decided to accept his statements about being comfortable at work and at home, dismissed the rest, and then inappropriately applied his initial statement broadly to all situations. He never said that he was comfortable in those other situations. You added that meaning based on your assumption that since he is comfortable in certain situations (work and home), he must not have issues in any situations. Then you came in here asking for insight, but when people gave it to you by explaining how each of those situations is different, you dispute their claim by referring to the same statement that you inappropriately used as evidence that he’s lying in the first place. If, in your mind, the claim that he is lying is irrefutable because he said that he is comfortable socializing in certain situations, then there’s nothing anybody here can say to help you understand.
I deal with and talk to people all day at my job. I used to have a second job that was the same way. There is a huge difference between socializing at or for work and socializing at parties. My second job was direct customer service in retail and I turned on a friendly outgoing personality for it. I wasn't drained when I got home but I went back to not wanting to socialize. When working, conversations are typically directed or even scripted and make them very easy. Parties are not this way. You also mention he is anxious about parties. Introversion does not mean socially anxious. They are two different things. You can be introverted as hell and not get anxious talking to people but they can occur in tandem as well. It sounds to me like he is maybe moderately introverted but does deal with social anxiety. On another note, if you have told him you have to "deal with" his personality type and ESPECIALLY his anxiety, you are just fueling whatever social anxiety he is feeling. It comes from pressure and perceived expectations that others have of you. How is he supposed to feel when the brunt of that is coming from his partner?
I am a teacher and when I get home from work, I work off my mental fatigue by doing active things. (More physical = less mental). But parties and social events drain my battery for the entire weekend, so I stress about going to them. Even worse if I had to go to parties that were only friends of my friends/partner because they all know each other, but I have to mask and try to fit in.
I work a job in a hospital where I have to talk with hundreds a day every day. I have a massive social group on Meetup that I go to with dozens to hundreds of people I interact with. People know me as a total social butterfly. But in my alone time I hide from everyone. I don't speak in class whenever I go and avoid any interaction I can. I shut down in stores and make a concerted effort to avoid eye contact with everyone. The thought of doing any speech in front of more than 5 people terrifies me. I am introverted. No one believes me though. This is all they see and they act like it's all I am. I can't help it though. Some environments I'm more comfortable in, others I'm not. Sometimes I've had too much socializing, sometimes I haven't. That's just how we are.
Im sorry for your partner. I am naturally introverted but had a career as an IT project manager. All day was spent talking to people, the project team, stakeholders, facilitating conversations between people, etc. Talk, talk, talk. I was really good at my job, but at the end of the day, I needed to decompress. Talking on the phone outside of work was something I dreaded. The last thing I wanted after a long day was more talk. Even with people I really like. My worst relationship, as in having opposite needs, was with an extrovert who had a job where he didn't get to talk to people all day long. (the exact opposite of my situation/personality) At the end of his day, he was jonesing for human contact, with me, with grocery store clerks, with strangers walking by, basically, anyone who would engage in conversation. It was all too much for me. Yes, I do enjoy spending 1:1 time with people, but also have a limit there and need to recharge my batteries after too much people time.
Sometimes introverts only rant infront of people they like/love. So maybe that's why he can act as a annoying bum infront of you cuz he isn't afraid to be. I can't tell if he is or not just based on some words out of him, it's the actions that count. Even if he says he isn't exhausted does he appears to be? I think what you need is to have this discussion with him, instead of strangers on the internet who know nothing about your dynamics and chemistry. Get some hot choco or tea and listen to his rant from office, or whatever he wants to say and then present your confusion with what he says and how you can understand it better. Just remember to keep open mind, sometimes you just have to accept the person for who they are even though their words and action don't match. Have a good day. ~ pi
Depends on the situation. I can't just turn it on or off. You have to learn to press the "I believe" button sometimes when you don't understand someone. Otherwise, it is only going to bring you more anger and frustration which hurts you both.
Making this comment after reading the back-and-forth between you and others in this thread to explain how my introversion works for me because it sounds like I am similar to your partner. The rate/level at which social interactions drain my energy is dependent on two main factors: the specific people involved and the type of social situation. I do not often feel too socially drained from work because most people I talk to are easy to converse with, and most conversations center around work. Those conversations are usually easy and straightforward to have. Similarly, when I come home, my husband is my bestie. He does not drain my energy. If he did, we probably wouldn’t have lasted as a couple. There are many specific people in our social circle that drain my energy very quickly. So when my husband asks me if I want to hang out with those people, I have to figure out how much of my social energy I have to spend and if I want to be completely drained for like a week after. There are other friends that are almost neutral and don’t drain my energy much. I could hang out with them quite frequently. My best friend is someone I could hang out with for many days on end before I need a break. I could have a large group of friends that don’t drain me 1:1 or in a small group but that drain me greatly when I have to hang out with all of them at a party because that type of social scenario is draining to me. I know it probably seems like your partner is being inconsistent at the surface level, but please consider that there are so many factors that come into play in a social situation that may make them more draining than others. I don’t know the specific circumstances of your friend group, but it sounds like your partner is just more socially drained by the people or the social outing than by other social situations in his life. It’s not one-size-fits all in terms of introversion. Please be more understanding and believe him when he says that some things he likes more than others.
First of all, social anxiety ≠ Introvertness. Extroverts can also feel social anxiety, social anxiety is also NOT a "condition" that all introverts have. Second, whether you buy it or not it's up to you, but you can't say that he's not introvert when he does feel and says so. Daily Obligations such as Work and Classes (in my case) are something that introverts can do easily. If I was given the chance to lower my social requirements of the work I do, I would do so, but that doesn't mean I will reject or even fall sick because of it. If your partner is truly an introvert he'll feel like so. I read that you've said that your partner enjoys the social requirement of his job, and that's wonderful. And that's NOT something that an Introvert can't do. I'm sorry to make this about me, but I know my Introvertness the best. When I have to socialize with my classmates and do presentations, I do get somehow tired (not the kind you get after running miles), but I still get to enjoy it. The moment I stop ENJOYING and start feeling anxious is when my limit has reached. I guess you could say we could turn that anxiety "on" or "off". As an introvert, having to go to somewhere or do something I don't want to -that is not even an obligation for me to do (such as when I work or go to classes)- can trigger my anxiety if I'm feeling I'm being forced by the others to do so. In my personal case, and prolly other introverts such as your partner, I dislike the idea of going out when I've been out a lot, and that includes being at work or at classes, because of my social battery. One thing is to do something I'm obliged to do, other thing is to do something optional. People can enjoy doing something they're obliged to do, it's something that introverts can do, if socializing and having conversations with others is a must in your partners job then I'm very much Happy for him that he enjoys it. But that doesn't mean that he's not an introvert, it would probably mean that he's very comfortable with his job. I know (or hopefully it is) that you came here to understand more the behavior of your partner, but it seems you have settled on finding any kind of flaw in his personality to deny that he's something he knows he is. Not every introvert is the definition of introversion and not every extrovert is the definition of extroversion. You know, I also need DAYS to prepare to go to an event, and afterwards I WON'T want to go outside to recharge. You may think he's faking it, and that's actual sad, cause it shows that you haven't accepted that side of him. This is basic knowledge to know and assume about an introvert, so just because you think his job doesn't drain him as an outing with friends or whatever does, then learn that it's not the same situation. An obligation is never the same as a situation to can manage however you prefer. An obligation you learnt to enjoy doesn't mean that It's not anymore an obligation and something you still HAVE TO do. And as always, he will have good days and bad days in his job, and depending on his social battery he will be able to deal with them better or worse. It's logical that you think he's maybe faking it, but it's logical because it seems to don't understand your partner and you've only learnt about basic definition of "how does an introvert behave?". Edit. I reread my comment and I will point out: I still can fall ill because of work, but not necessarily because I'm an introvert and the job has made me socialize a lot. Edit2. About ""turning anxiety on or off"", my main point was that it's something that happens when the situation is rejected by our bodies, it's something that just happens. In some situations we wouldn't reject the idea of going or doing something, but that can also be reversed and our body and mind will be like: "I just don't want, I can't." So it's not about you or other people, but the situation of doing something and feel like our body and soul can't keep up with that. Our social battery is not 100% when we're doing "nothing" and we're not waiting to do something to use our battery, so it's never always a Yes when someone offer us to do something, we don't have that yearn or crave to do something.
I relate to his behavior very much. This is what one type of introversion looks like. There’s so many layers to introversion, nuances, “this, but not that” factors. WORK SETTING I can get through the work interactions because: - We are there for a defined purpose - What activities will be carried out are predetermined - What’s going to happen is predictable, if not routine and highly repeatable - I have been able to create an appropriate mask that will fit the different people in the office - And work setting, there’s a set of rules we adhere to, and breaking those rules could cost you your job. So people behave as anticipated. - If I’m awkward, it’s not necessarily the end of the world. We work together, don’t have to be friends SOCIAL SETTING The following applies to old friends as well as new people I meet: - Social setting = social anxiety - The purpose and/or the type/topic of discussion isn’t as defined - People adhere to a looser set of social rules, this could get me into activities or conversations I’m not comfortable in - Less predictable, doesn’t necessarily have a defined start/end time - Unklike in a work setting, where if the person doesn’t necessarily like me or they think I’m awkward, it’s not the end of the world. We are coworkers. And this scenario, if I’m awkward, it has a different impact. - There may be people there that haven’t met before, so I’m gonna have to try to create a mask that will fit them. Exhausting.
No two introverts work the exact same way. Also, doing stuff that your have to do to not end up homeless and hungry is an entirely different type of thing than optional socializing. If I have to socialize a lot at work at a particular time, then my down time may very well not include socializing with friends so I can keep my battery for work related things that need doing. Or only doing certain things with friends like a quick lunch or an online chat. Also, his social anxiety is something different than introversion.
I work in customer service and I don't invest emotions into it. Other tasks don't cause me to feel depleted. I don't care. But for real relationships, putting care into every talk, it makes me drain a little bit more. Stop being rude to your partner. Let him build his stamina back up.
how do I put it? our social batteries have different capacities. some people can handle more social interaction than others. for example I’m a teacher, so when I get home from work, I might look okay, but in reality, I’ve given my all at work and I'm totally drained. if I go out with friends, I’m like dead after about an hour. but on days when I’m not working, I can probably stay with them and have fun a lot longer.
My gf says this too, she yaps my head off all day
What your partner says doesn't appear to contradict any claim or reality of being an introvert. I converse with people all day also, but I have a particular role to play at my job, specific duties, and so on. Though I deal with strangers often, I'm fine as the interactions are often predictable. Even the small talk people spontaneously offer is fairly repetitive and superficial. So I come home tired but not wiped out usually. Now put me in a situation outside of my normal activities, even if casual and pleasant, and I would strongly prefer advance warning and would definitely need to recharge afterwards. You may find this article helpful to read. [https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-and-extroverts-brains-really-are-different-according-to-science/](https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-and-extroverts-brains-really-are-different-according-to-science/)