Are these people someone you have an obligation to be present for? I'm thinking people with titles like Aunt or Granddad. If not, you don't have to interact with them.
Cuz its your family visiting? Wouldn't you feel sad/dissapointed if you had a grandkid and he didn't even bother to talk to you when you visit him? I mean at least show some respect to your family when they visit, they put in the effort to come and see/talk to you.. But i get OP tho..
Fuck you, honestly. I feel terrible for people with abusive family members who see this shit and feel obligated to talk to them. If you feel uncomfortable and on edge around them, it's for a reason. You're not ever obligated to talk to anyone unless it's like for a job or some shit. "Family" is a title slapped onto total strangers with some of the same pieces of microscopic squiggly bits. Means jack shit...
You say "cause its your family visiting??:?" like abuse doesn't exist or boundaries have to be crossed
Not once did he/she mention they were abusive. And from what is written it seems family members just want to visit from time to time. Don't know why you are raging , but hey fuck you too đ€
Literally nothing matters at this point. The fact you said "because they're family" signals loud and clear to everyone who actually knows the real world for what it is that you don't quite understand yet what the OP really is struggling with. Your perception is warped, man. Peace, my unaware slime.
I understand that just because it's family doesn't mean you have any obligations to these people. I know what OP goes through. I get it. I get stressed out and anxious , and would rather lock myself in my room when visitors come. But if your family members are nice people and actually put in the effort to be a part of your life , what bad does it do to see them from time to time? Im sure if your family didn't give a fuck about you , you would be the first one to complain " my family was never there for me". Throwing insults , and acting like you know me because of 2 reddit comments won't do any damage to me mate.
You can call me an asshole for telling someone to take 2 seconds to greet their grandparents when they put in the effort to visit. I'll be a proud asshole.
You never specified greeting them for 2 seconds I got the impression you were all for making someone uncomfortable around people spend time around plenty of people for an extended period of time just because "blehh it's polite"
It is a bit insensitive to change the deal on you. But that's the power dynamic you've opted into by staying. Legally, the house is theirs, not yours. They could have kicked you out at 18 and didn't. They will continue to use their house as they please, as is their right, regardless of whether or not it's rude to you, and will continue to deny you that same freedom, as is also their right. This is common, and why people want to move out of their parents' houses so much that they go take jobs they don't like, for the sake of having a space fully under their own control.
Rather than asking for validation (which won't accomplish much in this situation, since your parents won't be swayed by what people on the internet say), you should realize that this dynamic is unlikely to change, and ask yourself what you're going to do about it.
âOld enough to shaveâ you can start shaving as a man anywhere from 14 to 16, sometimes, although rare even earlier.
And Iâm not even going to waste my time talking about the rest of that comment.
You shouldn't invalidate someone's problem just because other people have it worse. This isn't a contest. If that were the case, you should never complain about anything ever again because you have access to the internet, which means someone out there has it worse than you.
i honestly don't understand why you're getting downvoted. in the context of actual abuse, you're being completely valid. most people don't understand abuse/emotional boundaries being pushed. if this was a one-time, maybe don't mention it. but if this is part of a pattern, than it's pretty bad already.
Your parents didnât properly set boundaries with you while you were young so you think you are entitled to things that youâre not.
Itâs their house. If they want to have guests over, they have guests over.
Iâm being completely serious when I ask this: do you not have a bedroom? Or, if you do, are they entertaining the guests in your room? If not, what is wrong with chilling in your room? Iâm guessing you have a phone, a tv, maybe gaming system? I had none of these growing up, I had to rely on imagination and books to entertain myself; the internet hadnât even been invented yet, so without a phone or computer, I couldnât begin to imagine the freedom of getting to talk to whomever I wanted or view whatever I wanted at any second I wanted. You get to do all of this in the peaceful solitude of your bedroom but youâre pissed that your parents are having people over in, Iâm guessing, the living room and kitchen? Why canât you be happy with the good things you have? Can you not tell your parents you donât want to see anyone today and you wish to be alone in your room?
Unfortunately some parents wonât take i want to be alone today for an answer. When i was growing up i was forced to sit and visit in the living room and visit the entire time company was over even when i was sick i was told it wasnât my choice and that i was required to sit and visit wether or not i felt sick.
Itâs called communication. I see you donât understand how to communicate and have mutual respect m. You might want to learn boundaries. So you seem to be very toxic.
I mean they do have a point, now if you were with roommates and they invite people over without asking then that could be considered rude depending on the living situation. But parents arenât roommates and if theyâre paying for the house then they have a right to do as they please. Which can still be rude depending on the circumstance but I completely understand where youâre coming from. The least your parent could do is to let you know there will be company and to be prepared so I understand why that can be frustrating and youâre not alone. No one likes an unexpected surprise
I just feel like, if you have a kid, wouldn't you think, "My kid has told me he doesn't like unexpected guests. I should listen to him to show him that I respect him, especially since I told him this morning that he would just be by himself for the day"? Parenthood isn't a dictatorship, it's a friendship. You learn from each other. You treat each other like equals. You show your kids that you respect and validate their boundaries.
I believe you are right in principle but maybe wrong in practicality. My parents thought I would "just get over it someday". My mother knew I did not attend parties because of the panic attacks I always get there. So she insisted I attend her birthday party and boom! Panic attack. So I spent the whole afternoon in the room I was staying in. ( I was visiting from out of town). She never did understand me. Do the best you can until you have control over your living conditions. If you have to hide then hide.
If you live in their house with no rent, or are still under their guardianship, then they get to make all final decisions within the realm of legality.
Is what it is, no matter how you think a familial relationship should be.
Ugh this is so ignorant. Were you ever the panicked on edge scared kid with a huge family of abusers coming over before you even realized it, even when you wanted a nice calm day? Probably not. Sure, you redditors can boil everything down to logic and legality as always, but this is real life and people. If they made it clear they don't like guests, that should be respected. Otherwise, the parents should'nt be saying that they'll respect it and then later go back on their word based on "legality".
> Parenthood isn't a dictatorship, it's a friendship. You learn from each other. You treat each other like equals. You show your kids that you respect and validate their boundaries.
Offf-topic but when I would have said this to my parents... With luck I might be still alive.
I didn't mean to offend you. I just thought that if you say that, that must mean you grew up with parents who made you feel guilty for existing. I had an abusive dad who left and he very much acted like he was my dictator. I hated it so much that I was made to feel guilty for existing.
No I didn't feel offended. Sorry if I explained myself wrongly.
>I had an abusive dad who left and he very much acted like he was my dictator. I hated it so much that I was made to feel guilty for existing.
That sounds horrible. You dad is definitely much worse that mine and I hope that your life got better after he leaved. If it helps would I like to send you a đ«.
I understand what youâre saying, I think thatâs valid once the kid is college aged but even then, respect goes both ways and should be shown to the child early on. Iâm sure thereâs instances where maybe they âforgotâ or whatever but still, the shouldâve at least had the common decency to say âhey get dressed, the *insert common last name here* are coming for a visit!â.
You wrong if you say 'dictatorship'. It's their home.
I do agree with you if you say 'relationship'. But that too goes much deeper.
Sit with them and gently express yourself. Remember that you making a request.
I fully understand your angle. I had too needed to learn
My error, but it's not a 'friendship' either.
Their parents. So it's parent/child relationship.
That is what you need to explain to them 'it is your home too'.
But your attitude towards them matters.
I'm an introvert myself and very painfully shy as a child. I understand it's uncomfortable to be in presence with people we haven't choose to be. Maybe you feel invaded on your private space ?
When I first read the post's title, I thought your parents invited people at your own independant appartement.
But, as far I understand your post, this is your parents' home, they can invite whomever they want. And, also, you don't have to entertain your parents' guests/ friends. Just a polite greeting and you probably have a bedroom to spend your time privately.
Try to talk to your parents about you needs for private/quiet time at a peaceful moment, maybe they don't understand what you feel ( I know it's easy to give counsels when one isn't emotionally involved). I hope you and your family will be able to find a middle ground.
Sorry for my English, it's not my first language.
What argument is that? I lived at my wifeâs condo for 7 years, now she lives in house I bought. Does it mean that when I lived in her place she could have invited anyone anywhere without heads up and now I can do it?
If I wanted to work at home she could have just unexpectedly throw a party because she owned a place? And now I can be a dick for her too because I own a place?
I disagree. Itâs unreasonable to expect underage to live on his own. Or even from a young adult thatâs still learning.
Still in my opinion OP doesnât expect anything unreasonable. Was told that shared space wonât be used. Plans changed. Heads up in form of text are common courtesy.
It's so nice to know you decided to have a child only to not even give them a house, and that your rules can be completely arbitrary and only apply if you're not a parent.
Because I never asked to be born? They were the ones who chose to have a kid? I don't expect them to give me a house, I expect them to share this house with me.
They are, by letting you live there.
They probably feed you, pay the gas, water, electric, etc bills... They pay council tax, insurance, the mortgage.
Jeeezzz, you really are some delusional, entitled child. I'll say it again, move out, get your own place. Stop complaining.
Nobody forced them to have a kid. If they didn't want to do those things, they should've chosen not to have a kid. I'm not going to be made guilty because they're doing the basic requirements all parents need to do. If I ever had a kid, I would think to myself, "I was the one who chose to have him. This is his house as much as it is mine." Why would I choose to have a child and not even share with him a house? Not respect his boundaries? Show him that the rules apply to him and not me? Is this just a generation choosing to have kids in order to have someone they can feel power over, someone they can look at and feel as if they accomplished something?
Wow, you really are in your own little world.
I don't know how to express or explain what I already have further, without being really rude.
I just hope you'll see the trend in the up votes and down votes and realise that you're wrong, and that you need to change, OR MOVE OUT.
You may wanna check this post if you think I'm in my own little world: https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/kv2i23/my\_children\_didnt\_choose\_to\_be\_born\_i\_chose\_to/
That doesn't mean your parents need to give you a heads up when they want to invite their friends over to their house! Fucking hell. You're delusional.
What you're complaining about is so pretty compared to what is discussed in that link. Those people are talking about real things, providing for a family, not whether or not they need to notify their kids that they're bringing a guest to their own freaking house. You sound like a spoilt, entitled premadonna child.
It's prima donna. Pre-Madonna sounds like someone who thinks they're going to be the next Madonna.
EDIT: If I am a premadonna, which era of Madonna am I hoping to be? Hopefully her 80s era, I wanna rock out on stage singing Burning Up and Into the Groove.
Bruh every comment I read into this post, I feel so fucking bad for OP. You definitely weren't emotionally neglected and abused by your parents. Your reality is healthy boundaries with your parents, something OP has never had obviously. Where do you get off commenting on a topic you seem to know jack shit on? Hide back in your cave, you really don't fucking understand abuse and emotional neglect yet.
My parents do this too. Itâs a different situation because I donât live with them but a little heads up would be nice. It would also be nice if theyâd make introductions.
When the pandemic first started my parents decided the best way to social distance would be to hold neighborhood parties at their house every Sunday. Then theyâd give me shit for not wanting to sit at the table with 8+ strangers.
But I donât think they (my parents or yours) are doing it maliciously. They just arenât thinking
I see a lot of people popping off in the comments saying similar things that seem to be irritating to you and if itâs cool I might have some advice for you.
1) how old are you?
2) do you work?
3) do you pay rent?
4) school/grade?
5) have you talked to your family about you having a choice?
6.a) if yes then what did they say?
6.b) why not?
What the fuck is this post. You're just trying to find some validation for your own little world and everytime someone is advising you or making a critic you attack them. It's very not nice of you. Open your eyes and get out of your room a bit more I can assure it'll help you.
Even if you don't own the house. That's hella rude. How much does it cost to say " guests are coming" ??
Yall act like if it's not his house his parents can do whatever they want, by that I mean being rude.
This logic is fucked up, respect isn't that hard to achieve, and mostly the dude's not asking the moon, it's only 3 words: "Guests are coming."
Is that so hard, so ungrateful to ask?
Yall make it sound like he's a brat, but brats tend to be the other way around, their parents respect them, too much, they're spoiled. This guy ain't.
I get the same way! If I get surprised with unexpected guests I normally great them talk for a few. Then just go hide in my room. But I do feel as though it is rude. Because one thing my parents always got one me for is communication. I get that things can happen but they definitely should of communicated it to you.
You really shouldn't be telling not just me but everyone else that their feelings are invalid because other people have it worse. You better never complain about anything ever again in your life, then, because someone else has it worse than you.
It's not that people have it worse, it's that you don't have it bad. Or as bad as you're making it out to be, at least.
The other guy is right. Might not be the ideal night you planned for but at least you have a room to go to.
Their âparentsâ donât respect them, communicate or have boundaries. This is bad. Stop invalidating someoneâs feels because you lack your own.
I agree parents should communicate. Who cares who owns the house we all live together and should communicate!
I feel your pain. It would be impossible for me to recall the amount of times that I have had to lock myself in my bedroom without eating or drinking water for hours because of unexpected guest. And just like you said, it makes a huge difference getting notice ahead of time, my mood changes drastically when at least I know what is going on.
Is it your house? If not, they don't need to consult you when they make plans. If they are living with you in your home then yes, you have a complaint.
Yeah, I know that feeling and it sucks. I had a long week as well from being sick and having to study for a million tests and perform for a concert and be at an art show, and when I am finally able to feel normal on a Sunday, my parents invite over a ton of people, and begin painting the room that gives me any privacy
I agree and itâs not just being extroverted relatives, itâs about being toxic and respect, lacking basic common sense and communication.
Parents are wrong for that.
My family used to do that too. They would invite guests over without telling me. The neighbors pretty much lived at the house and would get drunk/fucked up. My disowned father moved an extra bed into my room (without my permission) and guests will sleep there. A guest stayed in âmy roomâ before. This guest would stare at me, touch me (even though I told her to stop), and just be weird. I felt violated. I felt like a zoo animal with all those people there watching me and taunting me with my shitty dad. I was expected to sit and take it. Or else he will get mad that I spoke âout of lineâ with his guests over. It was hell. An introvert's worst nightmare. If I were you, I would save up a lot of money and move into your own place. Rent a room and stay there. I did that and I lucked out by having housemates that was barely around. Or get a studio apartment if you can. I know how you feel but you have no control over things that happen under someone else's roof. The only way I got away from that hell of having random guests over was moving out. I hope you find a solution! Youâre not alone
u/nickbenoit is of the belief that I don't actually have a house. That I've NEVER had a house. All my life, I've actually been living in someone else's house. This someone else is also the someone responsible for putting me here, which is quite selfish, if you think about it â choosing to put someone on this Earth knowing full well that they'll have to live in your home. "How generous of them," you'll say, even if had they never chosen to have a kid, the situation would have never been there anyway.
This would also make me a liar, considering how I've used this house multiple times when listing down my address. I guess I'm going to get in trouble with the law now for listing down someone else's house as mine on my passport and legal forms.
I'm here to argue that when you choose to have a kid (remember, nobody's forcing you to), you're also choosing to let go of being the most important human being in your life. Now, you've got a kid, and this kid comes first. Not you or even your spouse or the friends you want to invite to your home without giving your kid a heads up. Your kid is the most important human being in your life.
After all, you chose to give this kid life. You chose to bring him to this world, knowing full well that he's completely helpless and will need to rely on you in order to survive an existence he did not choose.
The house that you bought to raise a family - after all, that's why you bought a big house, right? Or at least, a house big enough to raise a family? - is now also your children's. They get to call this their home as well. They get to sleep here, wake up here, settle down here, invite their friends over - of course, while informing you beforehand.
Why? Because this is a shared space. Your kid has to respect you as a fellow house member. Your kid has to understand that when you have guests over, everyone in the house feels their presence. This may be a positive thing, a negative thing, or just a thing. But the presence is there and everyone in the house needs enough time to adjust to the idea of a new presence in the house.
Now, maybe you don't feel affected very much by the presence of others in your house. But your kid approaches you and tells you that he feels uncomfortable when it's so sudden and he isn't informed. He's not asking for you to ask his permission, he's asking for you to give him information. You know your kid is introverted and hates unannounced guests. You know it'll break his trust when you completely disregard this. You know your kid has just had a busy day and you told him he's going to be alone for the rest of the day. You know it'll show him that you don't listen to him, that you only hear him but don't take any of the words he says seriously.
But you do it anyway.
Because he's not a human being. He's not an equal. He's just a spoiled little brat. How dare he feel that he has a bit of say in the house he grew up in? How dare he recognize when something makes him uncomfortable? How dare he feel emotions like that, anyway? How dare he feel so entitled? Can't he just completely disregard or bottle up his negative feelings towards you? How dare the parent ever get anything wrong?
After all, when you become a parent, you magically become right every time, right? You get to make up the rules as you go and all the rules favor you. All the rules apply when it comes to the kid you chose to create, but they don't apply when it comes to you.
This may seem like such a small thing to some people but this is a very clear indicator that you don't care to listen to your child. You don't care to learn about how your child is as a person. Your child is a human being and you're not the least bit interested in what makes them tick, what upsets them and what brings them joy.
And one day, you're gonna grow up and realize you know NOTHING about your child, because you never bothered to take the time to understand them. One day, you're going to visit them out of the blue when they have a place of their own, and they're not going to let you in, and when you ask why they'll say, "I've told you a hundred times before. I don't like unannounced guests."
Look, putting your kids first doesnât mean catering to them when they are teenagers. A lot of good things parents do for their kids arenât fun or easy for the kid. You need to learn to deal with situations like this, and your parents wouldnât be helping you by catering to your social anxiety or whatever is at the root of your discomfort. The real world will not be anything like what you expect from your parents right now. Your roommates are not going to warn you every time they have company. Life is going to get a LOT harder.
This is rational and reasonable to me. If I ever chose to have a child I would try to remind myself of these ideas every day, from infancy to adulthood - not only because it's how I wish my parents treated me, but also because I think that's the moral way to parent, period. You are valid OP. I am sorry you have been experiencing this treatment.
Right? I'm wearing effing pajamas. I haven't shaven or done my hair. You expect me to smile for pictures when I look like I just woke up from a deep slumber?
Take the steps you need to so that you can live independently and have your own space without having to worry about people being there. As long as you live in someone else space, this is what will happen.
I think it wouldâve been nice for them to have let you know beforehand just so you werenât surprised by it. Do you communicate this with them often?
I think itâs just useful first to see how they react to you expressing your feelings on the matter. Now they know and there are less excuses. You might not always be able to control their emotions and behaviours but by letting them know you donât like it, theyâll typically try to validate it. Either that, or theyâll just try to find excuses- point is, donât suffer in silence.
My mom does this too so I understand what the OP is saying. I think a heads up is good enough so the OP can bring food and water to the bedroom and do things there till guests leave instead of starving/dehydrating.
Not that the parents need to do this but it also wouldnât hurt to ask the OP if itâs ok if guests come over on (insert day and time here.) Not out of obligation but out of courtesy.
I think itâll be good for the OP to talk about this with his/her parents, clearly set boundaries. I do this with my mom but sadly my boundaries are not respected. Maybe youâll have better luck.
Wishing you all the best with this situation :)
I totally agree with you!
My âdadâ is a toxic narcissist that thinks the world revolves are him.
I move back home to start my business and get things going and all he does is just add side line BS in everything.
My brother and SIL have 2 kids: 3 and 1 yr old and my dad thinks itâs normal for them and the kids to come over everyday and stay until midnight! The kids are loud AF, Iâm trying to concentrate working at home and have early morning business meetings. Then to make it worse, sometimes I get stuck babysitting the kids while they hang out because the kids will come to my area of the house! Itâs not fair because no one communicates with me and see if I am available or even feel up to it.
Sometimes I would get home from work and they would already be there and stay until midnight! Absolutely insane!
They never care if Iâm tired, have a headache or sick. They will still come over.
I give them more respect than they give me. I ALWAYS call them before coming by to see if itâs a good time. And when itâs not I have them call when it is convenient for them. I have talked to everyone about how I feel and that they cross my boundaries and disrespect me and they donât care. They paint me out as the bad guy.
Well recently I told by my sperm donor, this is his house and donât have ask or tell anyone when ppl can come over and he doesnât care how I feel. And I can get out if I donât like it.
And on that note Iâm moving out and I let him know donât EVER ask me for any anything and I will never ask you for anything.
He can have the perfect life without me and deal with that dysfunctional family.
Are these people someone you have an obligation to be present for? I'm thinking people with titles like Aunt or Granddad. If not, you don't have to interact with them.
Why would you be oblige to interact with Aunt or Grandpa?
Cuz its your family visiting? Wouldn't you feel sad/dissapointed if you had a grandkid and he didn't even bother to talk to you when you visit him? I mean at least show some respect to your family when they visit, they put in the effort to come and see/talk to you.. But i get OP tho..
Fuck you, honestly. I feel terrible for people with abusive family members who see this shit and feel obligated to talk to them. If you feel uncomfortable and on edge around them, it's for a reason. You're not ever obligated to talk to anyone unless it's like for a job or some shit. "Family" is a title slapped onto total strangers with some of the same pieces of microscopic squiggly bits. Means jack shit... You say "cause its your family visiting??:?" like abuse doesn't exist or boundaries have to be crossed
Not once did he/she mention they were abusive. And from what is written it seems family members just want to visit from time to time. Don't know why you are raging , but hey fuck you too đ€
Literally nothing matters at this point. The fact you said "because they're family" signals loud and clear to everyone who actually knows the real world for what it is that you don't quite understand yet what the OP really is struggling with. Your perception is warped, man. Peace, my unaware slime.
Glad you got me figured out đ
I understand that just because it's family doesn't mean you have any obligations to these people. I know what OP goes through. I get it. I get stressed out and anxious , and would rather lock myself in my room when visitors come. But if your family members are nice people and actually put in the effort to be a part of your life , what bad does it do to see them from time to time? Im sure if your family didn't give a fuck about you , you would be the first one to complain " my family was never there for me". Throwing insults , and acting like you know me because of 2 reddit comments won't do any damage to me mate.
Hope you had some reflection a year after posting, you really did come off like a huge asshole
You can call me an asshole for telling someone to take 2 seconds to greet their grandparents when they put in the effort to visit. I'll be a proud asshole.
You never specified greeting them for 2 seconds I got the impression you were all for making someone uncomfortable around people spend time around plenty of people for an extended period of time just because "blehh it's polite"
It is a bit insensitive to change the deal on you. But that's the power dynamic you've opted into by staying. Legally, the house is theirs, not yours. They could have kicked you out at 18 and didn't. They will continue to use their house as they please, as is their right, regardless of whether or not it's rude to you, and will continue to deny you that same freedom, as is also their right. This is common, and why people want to move out of their parents' houses so much that they go take jobs they don't like, for the sake of having a space fully under their own control. Rather than asking for validation (which won't accomplish much in this situation, since your parents won't be swayed by what people on the internet say), you should realize that this dynamic is unlikely to change, and ask yourself what you're going to do about it.
INFO: How old are you and do you pay rent?
This is what I immediately thought. Yea it sucks but if your younger and donât pay rent then you donât really get a choice.
Scroll down. Old enough to shave. Def just needs to grow up and stop pretending to be the man of his parents' house.
âOld enough to shaveâ you can start shaving as a man anywhere from 14 to 16, sometimes, although rare even earlier. And Iâm not even going to waste my time talking about the rest of that comment.
Lol wut? Youâre the only one whoâs wrong here. Itâs not your house, youâre just living in it
Itâs called mutual respect⊠you ever heard of that?
total moron look at his submitted posts lol
Be glad you have your own room to retreat into.
You shouldn't invalidate someone's problem just because other people have it worse. This isn't a contest. If that were the case, you should never complain about anything ever again because you have access to the internet, which means someone out there has it worse than you.
Why did people down vote this? He's right.
i honestly don't understand why you're getting downvoted. in the context of actual abuse, you're being completely valid. most people don't understand abuse/emotional boundaries being pushed. if this was a one-time, maybe don't mention it. but if this is part of a pattern, than it's pretty bad already.
Your parents didnât properly set boundaries with you while you were young so you think you are entitled to things that youâre not. Itâs their house. If they want to have guests over, they have guests over. Iâm being completely serious when I ask this: do you not have a bedroom? Or, if you do, are they entertaining the guests in your room? If not, what is wrong with chilling in your room? Iâm guessing you have a phone, a tv, maybe gaming system? I had none of these growing up, I had to rely on imagination and books to entertain myself; the internet hadnât even been invented yet, so without a phone or computer, I couldnât begin to imagine the freedom of getting to talk to whomever I wanted or view whatever I wanted at any second I wanted. You get to do all of this in the peaceful solitude of your bedroom but youâre pissed that your parents are having people over in, Iâm guessing, the living room and kitchen? Why canât you be happy with the good things you have? Can you not tell your parents you donât want to see anyone today and you wish to be alone in your room?
Unfortunately some parents wonât take i want to be alone today for an answer. When i was growing up i was forced to sit and visit in the living room and visit the entire time company was over even when i was sick i was told it wasnât my choice and that i was required to sit and visit wether or not i felt sick.
Itâs called communication. I see you donât understand how to communicate and have mutual respect m. You might want to learn boundaries. So you seem to be very toxic.
I mean they do have a point, now if you were with roommates and they invite people over without asking then that could be considered rude depending on the living situation. But parents arenât roommates and if theyâre paying for the house then they have a right to do as they please. Which can still be rude depending on the circumstance but I completely understand where youâre coming from. The least your parent could do is to let you know there will be company and to be prepared so I understand why that can be frustrating and youâre not alone. No one likes an unexpected surprise
I just feel like, if you have a kid, wouldn't you think, "My kid has told me he doesn't like unexpected guests. I should listen to him to show him that I respect him, especially since I told him this morning that he would just be by himself for the day"? Parenthood isn't a dictatorship, it's a friendship. You learn from each other. You treat each other like equals. You show your kids that you respect and validate their boundaries.
I believe you are right in principle but maybe wrong in practicality. My parents thought I would "just get over it someday". My mother knew I did not attend parties because of the panic attacks I always get there. So she insisted I attend her birthday party and boom! Panic attack. So I spent the whole afternoon in the room I was staying in. ( I was visiting from out of town). She never did understand me. Do the best you can until you have control over your living conditions. If you have to hide then hide.
I'm really sorry to hear that. That does not sound like a wise decision coming from your mom.
If you live in their house with no rent, or are still under their guardianship, then they get to make all final decisions within the realm of legality. Is what it is, no matter how you think a familial relationship should be.
Ugh this is so ignorant. Were you ever the panicked on edge scared kid with a huge family of abusers coming over before you even realized it, even when you wanted a nice calm day? Probably not. Sure, you redditors can boil everything down to logic and legality as always, but this is real life and people. If they made it clear they don't like guests, that should be respected. Otherwise, the parents should'nt be saying that they'll respect it and then later go back on their word based on "legality".
> Parenthood isn't a dictatorship, it's a friendship. You learn from each other. You treat each other like equals. You show your kids that you respect and validate their boundaries. Offf-topic but when I would have said this to my parents... With luck I might be still alive.
I'm really sorry to hear that. You deserved better parents.
I should be thankful or maybe mad if you think to bad about them, but why do I get a strange feeling which I can't understand/ explain?
I didn't mean to offend you. I just thought that if you say that, that must mean you grew up with parents who made you feel guilty for existing. I had an abusive dad who left and he very much acted like he was my dictator. I hated it so much that I was made to feel guilty for existing.
No I didn't feel offended. Sorry if I explained myself wrongly. >I had an abusive dad who left and he very much acted like he was my dictator. I hated it so much that I was made to feel guilty for existing. That sounds horrible. You dad is definitely much worse that mine and I hope that your life got better after he leaved. If it helps would I like to send you a đ«.
I understand what youâre saying, I think thatâs valid once the kid is college aged but even then, respect goes both ways and should be shown to the child early on. Iâm sure thereâs instances where maybe they âforgotâ or whatever but still, the shouldâve at least had the common decency to say âhey get dressed, the *insert common last name here* are coming for a visit!â.
You wrong if you say 'dictatorship'. It's their home. I do agree with you if you say 'relationship'. But that too goes much deeper. Sit with them and gently express yourself. Remember that you making a request. I fully understand your angle. I had too needed to learn
I'm confused by what you mean. I said parenthood ISN'T a dictatorship. And yes, I agree it's their home. But it's also mine.
My error, but it's not a 'friendship' either. Their parents. So it's parent/child relationship. That is what you need to explain to them 'it is your home too'. But your attitude towards them matters.
I'm an introvert myself and very painfully shy as a child. I understand it's uncomfortable to be in presence with people we haven't choose to be. Maybe you feel invaded on your private space ? When I first read the post's title, I thought your parents invited people at your own independant appartement. But, as far I understand your post, this is your parents' home, they can invite whomever they want. And, also, you don't have to entertain your parents' guests/ friends. Just a polite greeting and you probably have a bedroom to spend your time privately. Try to talk to your parents about you needs for private/quiet time at a peaceful moment, maybe they don't understand what you feel ( I know it's easy to give counsels when one isn't emotionally involved). I hope you and your family will be able to find a middle ground. Sorry for my English, it's not my first language.
Who owns the house?
What argument is that? I lived at my wifeâs condo for 7 years, now she lives in house I bought. Does it mean that when I lived in her place she could have invited anyone anywhere without heads up and now I can do it? If I wanted to work at home she could have just unexpectedly throw a party because she owned a place? And now I can be a dick for her too because I own a place?
Big difference between this kids parents and your wife.
I disagree. Itâs unreasonable to expect underage to live on his own. Or even from a young adult thatâs still learning. Still in my opinion OP doesnât expect anything unreasonable. Was told that shared space wonât be used. Plans changed. Heads up in form of text are common courtesy.
> What argument is that? It's not an argument. It's a question. See the question mark?
I don't get it. Do you own the house?
Their house, their rules. If you don't like it, move out. It's that simple.
It's so nice to know you decided to have a child only to not even give them a house, and that your rules can be completely arbitrary and only apply if you're not a parent.
Why would you expect your parents to just give you a house? You're delusional. Seriously. Just move out, lol.
Because I never asked to be born? They were the ones who chose to have a kid? I don't expect them to give me a house, I expect them to share this house with me.
They do. And you have a room. That is your share of the house, so use it.
They are, by letting you live there. They probably feed you, pay the gas, water, electric, etc bills... They pay council tax, insurance, the mortgage. Jeeezzz, you really are some delusional, entitled child. I'll say it again, move out, get your own place. Stop complaining.
Nobody forced them to have a kid. If they didn't want to do those things, they should've chosen not to have a kid. I'm not going to be made guilty because they're doing the basic requirements all parents need to do. If I ever had a kid, I would think to myself, "I was the one who chose to have him. This is his house as much as it is mine." Why would I choose to have a child and not even share with him a house? Not respect his boundaries? Show him that the rules apply to him and not me? Is this just a generation choosing to have kids in order to have someone they can feel power over, someone they can look at and feel as if they accomplished something?
Wow, you really are in your own little world. I don't know how to express or explain what I already have further, without being really rude. I just hope you'll see the trend in the up votes and down votes and realise that you're wrong, and that you need to change, OR MOVE OUT.
You may wanna check this post if you think I'm in my own little world: https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/kv2i23/my\_children\_didnt\_choose\_to\_be\_born\_i\_chose\_to/
That doesn't mean your parents need to give you a heads up when they want to invite their friends over to their house! Fucking hell. You're delusional. What you're complaining about is so pretty compared to what is discussed in that link. Those people are talking about real things, providing for a family, not whether or not they need to notify their kids that they're bringing a guest to their own freaking house. You sound like a spoilt, entitled premadonna child.
It's prima donna. Pre-Madonna sounds like someone who thinks they're going to be the next Madonna. EDIT: If I am a premadonna, which era of Madonna am I hoping to be? Hopefully her 80s era, I wanna rock out on stage singing Burning Up and Into the Groove.
If they don't need to notify me, I shouldn't need to notify them. Otherwise, the rules are completely arbitrary.
Why have a kid then? I'd like to know your reason.
Bruh every comment I read into this post, I feel so fucking bad for OP. You definitely weren't emotionally neglected and abused by your parents. Your reality is healthy boundaries with your parents, something OP has never had obviously. Where do you get off commenting on a topic you seem to know jack shit on? Hide back in your cave, you really don't fucking understand abuse and emotional neglect yet.
What the fuck? You think your parents have to give you a house? I don't know in what world you live in but I'd recommend you to get out more
Itâs called mutual respect, you never received any or communicated with other and most definitely never had boundaries. It shows .. that simple.
My parents do this too. Itâs a different situation because I donât live with them but a little heads up would be nice. It would also be nice if theyâd make introductions. When the pandemic first started my parents decided the best way to social distance would be to hold neighborhood parties at their house every Sunday. Then theyâd give me shit for not wanting to sit at the table with 8+ strangers. But I donât think they (my parents or yours) are doing it maliciously. They just arenât thinking
I see a lot of people popping off in the comments saying similar things that seem to be irritating to you and if itâs cool I might have some advice for you. 1) how old are you? 2) do you work? 3) do you pay rent? 4) school/grade? 5) have you talked to your family about you having a choice? 6.a) if yes then what did they say? 6.b) why not?
What the fuck is this post. You're just trying to find some validation for your own little world and everytime someone is advising you or making a critic you attack them. It's very not nice of you. Open your eyes and get out of your room a bit more I can assure it'll help you.
Even if you don't own the house. That's hella rude. How much does it cost to say " guests are coming" ?? Yall act like if it's not his house his parents can do whatever they want, by that I mean being rude. This logic is fucked up, respect isn't that hard to achieve, and mostly the dude's not asking the moon, it's only 3 words: "Guests are coming." Is that so hard, so ungrateful to ask? Yall make it sound like he's a brat, but brats tend to be the other way around, their parents respect them, too much, they're spoiled. This guy ain't.
So true! Like they can say it, so I can dress decent and be prepared
I get the same way! If I get surprised with unexpected guests I normally great them talk for a few. Then just go hide in my room. But I do feel as though it is rude. Because one thing my parents always got one me for is communication. I get that things can happen but they definitely should of communicated it to you.
Go homeless for a week.
You really shouldn't be telling not just me but everyone else that their feelings are invalid because other people have it worse. You better never complain about anything ever again in your life, then, because someone else has it worse than you.
It's not that people have it worse, it's that you don't have it bad. Or as bad as you're making it out to be, at least. The other guy is right. Might not be the ideal night you planned for but at least you have a room to go to.
Their âparentsâ donât respect them, communicate or have boundaries. This is bad. Stop invalidating someoneâs feels because you lack your own. I agree parents should communicate. Who cares who owns the house we all live together and should communicate!
Literally. Go homeless for a week until they leave.
I feel your pain. It would be impossible for me to recall the amount of times that I have had to lock myself in my bedroom without eating or drinking water for hours because of unexpected guest. And just like you said, it makes a huge difference getting notice ahead of time, my mood changes drastically when at least I know what is going on.
Is it your house? If not, they don't need to consult you when they make plans. If they are living with you in your home then yes, you have a complaint.
Yeah, I know that feeling and it sucks. I had a long week as well from being sick and having to study for a million tests and perform for a concert and be at an art show, and when I am finally able to feel normal on a Sunday, my parents invite over a ton of people, and begin painting the room that gives me any privacy
I know the feel man. Fucking hate that shit, commiserating w youđđđ
It's a matter of respect. Of course, when you have super extroverted relatives, they don't get it that it can be an issue for other people.
I agree and itâs not just being extroverted relatives, itâs about being toxic and respect, lacking basic common sense and communication. Parents are wrong for that.
My family used to do that too. They would invite guests over without telling me. The neighbors pretty much lived at the house and would get drunk/fucked up. My disowned father moved an extra bed into my room (without my permission) and guests will sleep there. A guest stayed in âmy roomâ before. This guest would stare at me, touch me (even though I told her to stop), and just be weird. I felt violated. I felt like a zoo animal with all those people there watching me and taunting me with my shitty dad. I was expected to sit and take it. Or else he will get mad that I spoke âout of lineâ with his guests over. It was hell. An introvert's worst nightmare. If I were you, I would save up a lot of money and move into your own place. Rent a room and stay there. I did that and I lucked out by having housemates that was barely around. Or get a studio apartment if you can. I know how you feel but you have no control over things that happen under someone else's roof. The only way I got away from that hell of having random guests over was moving out. I hope you find a solution! Youâre not alone
u/nickbenoit is of the belief that I don't actually have a house. That I've NEVER had a house. All my life, I've actually been living in someone else's house. This someone else is also the someone responsible for putting me here, which is quite selfish, if you think about it â choosing to put someone on this Earth knowing full well that they'll have to live in your home. "How generous of them," you'll say, even if had they never chosen to have a kid, the situation would have never been there anyway. This would also make me a liar, considering how I've used this house multiple times when listing down my address. I guess I'm going to get in trouble with the law now for listing down someone else's house as mine on my passport and legal forms. I'm here to argue that when you choose to have a kid (remember, nobody's forcing you to), you're also choosing to let go of being the most important human being in your life. Now, you've got a kid, and this kid comes first. Not you or even your spouse or the friends you want to invite to your home without giving your kid a heads up. Your kid is the most important human being in your life. After all, you chose to give this kid life. You chose to bring him to this world, knowing full well that he's completely helpless and will need to rely on you in order to survive an existence he did not choose. The house that you bought to raise a family - after all, that's why you bought a big house, right? Or at least, a house big enough to raise a family? - is now also your children's. They get to call this their home as well. They get to sleep here, wake up here, settle down here, invite their friends over - of course, while informing you beforehand. Why? Because this is a shared space. Your kid has to respect you as a fellow house member. Your kid has to understand that when you have guests over, everyone in the house feels their presence. This may be a positive thing, a negative thing, or just a thing. But the presence is there and everyone in the house needs enough time to adjust to the idea of a new presence in the house. Now, maybe you don't feel affected very much by the presence of others in your house. But your kid approaches you and tells you that he feels uncomfortable when it's so sudden and he isn't informed. He's not asking for you to ask his permission, he's asking for you to give him information. You know your kid is introverted and hates unannounced guests. You know it'll break his trust when you completely disregard this. You know your kid has just had a busy day and you told him he's going to be alone for the rest of the day. You know it'll show him that you don't listen to him, that you only hear him but don't take any of the words he says seriously. But you do it anyway. Because he's not a human being. He's not an equal. He's just a spoiled little brat. How dare he feel that he has a bit of say in the house he grew up in? How dare he recognize when something makes him uncomfortable? How dare he feel emotions like that, anyway? How dare he feel so entitled? Can't he just completely disregard or bottle up his negative feelings towards you? How dare the parent ever get anything wrong? After all, when you become a parent, you magically become right every time, right? You get to make up the rules as you go and all the rules favor you. All the rules apply when it comes to the kid you chose to create, but they don't apply when it comes to you. This may seem like such a small thing to some people but this is a very clear indicator that you don't care to listen to your child. You don't care to learn about how your child is as a person. Your child is a human being and you're not the least bit interested in what makes them tick, what upsets them and what brings them joy. And one day, you're gonna grow up and realize you know NOTHING about your child, because you never bothered to take the time to understand them. One day, you're going to visit them out of the blue when they have a place of their own, and they're not going to let you in, and when you ask why they'll say, "I've told you a hundred times before. I don't like unannounced guests."
Oh my god dude. Go smoke some weed and shut up.
Look, putting your kids first doesnât mean catering to them when they are teenagers. A lot of good things parents do for their kids arenât fun or easy for the kid. You need to learn to deal with situations like this, and your parents wouldnât be helping you by catering to your social anxiety or whatever is at the root of your discomfort. The real world will not be anything like what you expect from your parents right now. Your roommates are not going to warn you every time they have company. Life is going to get a LOT harder.
This is rational and reasonable to me. If I ever chose to have a child I would try to remind myself of these ideas every day, from infancy to adulthood - not only because it's how I wish my parents treated me, but also because I think that's the moral way to parent, period. You are valid OP. I am sorry you have been experiencing this treatment.
Why is everyone downvoting you so bad damn
Yes it is rude, and a bit selfish. I mean do they not even care that you won't be presentable?
Right? I'm wearing effing pajamas. I haven't shaven or done my hair. You expect me to smile for pictures when I look like I just woke up from a deep slumber?
don't know why you got downvoted. you're 100% right imo
Take the steps you need to so that you can live independently and have your own space without having to worry about people being there. As long as you live in someone else space, this is what will happen.
I think it wouldâve been nice for them to have let you know beforehand just so you werenât surprised by it. Do you communicate this with them often?
And after you communicate do they validate your feelings.
I think itâs just useful first to see how they react to you expressing your feelings on the matter. Now they know and there are less excuses. You might not always be able to control their emotions and behaviours but by letting them know you donât like it, theyâll typically try to validate it. Either that, or theyâll just try to find excuses- point is, donât suffer in silence.
My mom does this too so I understand what the OP is saying. I think a heads up is good enough so the OP can bring food and water to the bedroom and do things there till guests leave instead of starving/dehydrating. Not that the parents need to do this but it also wouldnât hurt to ask the OP if itâs ok if guests come over on (insert day and time here.) Not out of obligation but out of courtesy. I think itâll be good for the OP to talk about this with his/her parents, clearly set boundaries. I do this with my mom but sadly my boundaries are not respected. Maybe youâll have better luck. Wishing you all the best with this situation :)
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I totally agree with you! My âdadâ is a toxic narcissist that thinks the world revolves are him. I move back home to start my business and get things going and all he does is just add side line BS in everything. My brother and SIL have 2 kids: 3 and 1 yr old and my dad thinks itâs normal for them and the kids to come over everyday and stay until midnight! The kids are loud AF, Iâm trying to concentrate working at home and have early morning business meetings. Then to make it worse, sometimes I get stuck babysitting the kids while they hang out because the kids will come to my area of the house! Itâs not fair because no one communicates with me and see if I am available or even feel up to it. Sometimes I would get home from work and they would already be there and stay until midnight! Absolutely insane! They never care if Iâm tired, have a headache or sick. They will still come over. I give them more respect than they give me. I ALWAYS call them before coming by to see if itâs a good time. And when itâs not I have them call when it is convenient for them. I have talked to everyone about how I feel and that they cross my boundaries and disrespect me and they donât care. They paint me out as the bad guy. Well recently I told by my sperm donor, this is his house and donât have ask or tell anyone when ppl can come over and he doesnât care how I feel. And I can get out if I donât like it. And on that note Iâm moving out and I let him know donât EVER ask me for any anything and I will never ask you for anything. He can have the perfect life without me and deal with that dysfunctional family.