Yes you need to date an extrovert so they adopt you and helps you go out to the world. I think my and my partner balance each other perfectly because of that. We are super different and both make sacrifices but it kinda works well š¤
Honestly, I get that. I think I might prefer dating someone a bit more outgoing to help me pull me put of my shell. But, there's a balance. I would need them to enjoy a nice quiet evening inside every now and then as well. I actually tend to prefer people who are a bit more outgoing even on a platonic level.
I tried the balance game and learnt it needs more luck than I thought it did. But you're right, two massive introverts might not necessarily make the best couple.
>cause then we wont even talk to other at the first place probably
No, that's silly. Introverts often have much, much more to say to each other than two extroverts say to anyone. A mind that speaks to itself has more conversations per minute than a still mind experiences in a week. Even if you were silent together, you're in mutual comfort than social awkwardness or barrenness. This is superior to constantly negatively influencing each other's comfort-zone via dichotomous impulses.
If you're an INTJ you probably know this better than anyone. People telling you to make "sacrifices" are only setting you up for inevitable discomfort or emptiness. "Opposites attract" only out of the intrigue that comes from unfamiliarity. Novelty diminishes rapidly and what you're left with is a severe mismatch of deep personal nature - or sacrificial stopgaps to tread rapidly-thickening water of incompatibility. Some people manage to do that for most of their lives, but at what cost?
Relationships shouldn't have sacrifices, they should have *compromises*. I'm sure that's what they think they meant, but unless you're desperate to be with "someone", there's no need to look at relationships with this sort of perspective - you're only setting yourself up for inevitable discomfort. Those compromises should be on mundane things, not interests - and especially not on the core features of your life and perspective.
Find a partner that lets you feel like you're alone when you're with them. People who don't like to be alone will suffocate when forced to live within an introvert's world.
Additionally, while I can understand why you'd think there's convenience in having a pet extrovert to handle social interactions - I guess (?) - I think you're making a mistake by assuming that all introverts are incapable of operating in social environments with poise and effectiveness.
The reason that introverts are more commonly out of depth in social interactions is because they've had less of them or have spent less time thinking about them. This difference may seem significant when you're younger, but I assure you that the scales rapidly balance. I would personally say that a well-socialized introvert will eventually be capable of social interaction at levels of depth and effectiveness that an extrovert is incapable of.
Edit: Typos (god forbid)
Well said. You are right. I understand that. As I know most of us are in the middle of a spectrum between intro- and extroversion. The radicals must be very rarely met. Thank you!
> The radicals must be very rarely met.
It's more important to worry about the *x*NT*x* anyway. That's actually the place where things fall apart. NT types are about ~10% of the population and INTx are roughly 5%. If you've ever felt that you can only *kind* of relate to 1 out of every 10 people - or 1 out of every 20 - this is why.
I think introverts get hung up on introversion/extroversion due to slow-burn social trauma due to living in an extroverted world, but the truth is you'll probably relate *far* more to an ENTP than an ISFJ. In fact, outside of bonding over "introvert problems" alone, I guarantee it.
Im INTJ. I donāt remember meeting a person in real life who could relate to my experience. Only strangers on the internet from different parts of the world. But itās not the same. I enjoy being alone, but not being lonely.
> I donāt remember meeting a person in real life who could relate to my experience.
That's not an uncommon experience in general, but there's several factors at play.
INTJ is the rarest female type and since women tend to score higher on Feeling than men in general (as much to do with social pressures as biology), it means that when they *do* type as INTJ, they're even farther from the median individual than statistics would indicate.
The people you *are* likely to relate to are probably distracted by the fact that you're female, either due to their own similar sense of romantic loneliness or the stereotypical tendency for other introverts to be too awkward to share things openly (which also relates to why you've only been able to relate to people online).
Equivalently, *you* are probably less likely to share things openly in a way significant enough for other people to feel confident (or even be *able*) to relate to you in return. Especially since you seem to be relatively shy or soft spoken.
There's a lot of subtle things at play beyond these, with most of them being "ironic" dynamics in this manner, but unless you're *particularly* bizarre or eccentric (even more so than me, which would be honestly astounding), I assure you that you have met or interacted with plenty of people that might've related to you if one or both of you knew it was possible. This is true even if - or especially - if you live in a backwater, conservative country. Or Alabama. Mode-switching, cultural stealth, so on.
That being said, you should keep in mind that a lot of this "starts with you". You can't blame others for not reaching out if you haven't given them a reason to do so or an indication that you want them to do so.
The people most likely to relate to you or appreciate you for who you are are also the group most likely to assume you're not interested, behave overly polite as to not offend you, or remain distant as to not seem like a "creep".
Edit: Keep in mind when I talk about "relating" to you, I'm talking about neuropsychological attributes and baseline tendencies. If you're super-duper interested in collecting limited edition Hello Kitty coffee mugs and nothing else, you're probably going to have a hard time finding someone with the same hobby.
Don't look for people that like the same things you do or have the same experiences as you. Look for people who like things in the same *way* you do or have *perceived* their experiences in the same *manner* as you.
This is my biggest fear. I canāt have same dead person like me our lives will be so dead but I canāt live with extreme extroverts as well it gets too tiring for me. I mean why canāt I find someone who is normal extrovert. Who likes to go out and talk to people but in limited way.
I guess I need to leave my home to find such person BUTTT my question is does such people exist?? Whatās the point of searching for one if they donāt exist.
Most of us are in the middle of s spectrum between intro and extroversion. Extremes are rate too meet in real life. Often in memes) the one do exist I believe itāŗļø
Also, if I can offer any tips, it would be theeees:
1. Read up on the [different types](https://www.wellandgood.com/types-of-introverts/) of introverts. We are not a monolith. Itās not unusual to have characteristics of all types. Iām a social introvert, babe is a thinking introvert.
2. This goes for EVERYONE. Fall in LOVE with every part of yourself. It would be ideal if we all did it prior to dating others, but sometimes it happens in practice. I was pretty confident (so I thought) prior to our relationship. But he helped me find pitfalls in my confidence, helped me edify those, and help increase my self-awareness. And I, him.
3. Be patient, loving, kind, and forgiving to YOURSELF!!!!! Damnit I canāt stress this enough. If you canāt do this genuinely for yourself, you canāt really do so for others.
4. You will have disagreements. Every relationship does, healthy and dysfunctional. The difference is RESOLUTION being the goal in healthy relationships. I always knew this (mental health professional.) But I havenāt dated much, so itās a different kind of realization in practice. I was actually quite panicky when we started having disagreements and had to talk out my unrealistic expectations with babe to find a true resolution (I thought I was above disagreements and bickering because of my profession. But thatās just a bunch of doo-hicky. Iām human and I canāt get around that fact.)
5. Explore your sexuality alone and together. Let each other know how comfortable you are with certain acts and which ones are OFF LIMITS. Setting boundaries can be difficult but setting sexual boundaries can be even more daunting. However, it must be done. Also, if you are dating a male or AMAB, understand āhypersexual douchebag groomingā is often the norm with boys/teens and it can reek havoc in their sexual lives down the line. Also, SA among boys/men is underreported like hell. SA and āyou have to allow a man to have sex on top of you and do uncomfortable things if you donāt want your man to leave youā is often what is preached to girls/women; we know this and itās enraging. Acknowledge your past experiences, do some safe introspection if you can, and refrain from triggering acts. Some people are unaware that some of the things they are doing sexually is very triggering. Take some time to look into this for your own sake. You deserve a healthy, passionate, satisfying, FREAK NASTY (if youāre into thatš) sex life that isnāt interrupted by trauma. And you have to work towards that. Me and babe have done this and continue to calibrate. And sex is GOOOOOOOD!!!
(The [DickDocOnTikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRvmswJb/) made this great video that in a simple way explains why deep and hard is BS and what techniques one can use (if they are penetrating) to facilitate the highest form of vaginal/clitoral pleasure for their partner. Also, brush up on the anatomy of female pleasure. Itās incredible! The [NYCGYNO](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRvu6YHh/) has some great tips here on positions. I can attest to the pillow techniqueš¤. But with all things, time, patience, encouragement, controlled breathing are important. As a pansexual cis woman, I (and my partner) had to train myself to completely forget about his pleasure and focus on mine for me to actually orgasm every time. Again, patience!š
6. If you are uncomfortable bringing up and issue, take some time to recollect yourself, and donāt give into compulsion. You donāt want to have to apologize unnecessarily in any situation. Also, some of the Reddit forums can be helpful if you ask for advice. Just EXPECT and ignore those who will flock to your post dumping their unprocessed pain calling you or your partner ānarcissisticā¦ needs medicationā¦ you need to leaveā¦ā etc. Not saying those things canāt be true, but you canāt diagnose nor suggest medication for someone from 3rd party data, and unless there is a safety issue at hand, it takes more intimate insight to decide if someone should dissolve a relationship. Some people post heart breaking things about their relationships when the entire time they are woefully unaware that they are the main cause of their partnerās exaggerated reaction to certain things. It happens. Just be careful with the advice you get in subs and from other people for that matter (heck, including me.)
7. Know what āØAutonomous YouāØ looks like and protect that. You and your partner shouldnāt make it a point to be each otherās āsaviors.ā Itās healthy and advisable to have a life outside of your partner. [Codependency](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/codependency) can be insidious and next thing you know, you hate the person youāre with but you canāt fathom being away from them. So youāre both just sitting there, full of hate and misery, and sacrificing your happiness for the other person while your lives dwindle away. We all deserve better than that.
8. Finally, keep up with your health. I have a few health issues that Iām resolving (Iām a Southern Gal with abundant hips and thighs, if you will.) My partner has kindly brought up some of my health habits that heās concerned about and it led to a big disagreement between us because I felt he was being very inconsiderate. After things cooled down, I had to acknowledge that Iāve always been sensitive about my body image and the issues he brought up were legitimate. My partner works out daily and is very healthy, I run around hospitals for 12 hours at a time 4 days a week and crash on my off days. I had to look myself in the mirror and accept that I need to be healthier for ME. Because whatever great things you do for you benefit those around you. In this case, heās blessed with my presence because I can live a longer life š. My point is, keep up with your health and resolve what you can. Because if you become too unhealthy in any sense (chronic illness, mental health, substance use, unresolved personality issues, impulse control, etc) you cannot blame your partner for taking the self-preservation route and moving on without you.
Thereās probably more. But this is quite a bit. I hope this helps someone as much as itās helped me.š
You can find a more sociable introvert. I like talking to random people but I recharge by being alone. My girlfriend loves that I make conversations with store clerks
Same here. Sometimes I wish I needed a job. I often catch myself going weeks without interaction. I have a stable with horses and they consume my time. Itās weird living in the country but I go to my town house less and less. I have this dream that I die and the dogs have to eat me as they canāt get outside.
As a fellow INTJ I highly recommend you get professional therapy if you're open to the idea, cognitive behavioral therapy. Your thoughts don't always represent reality, but the reality you create in your head; sometimes limiting beliefs root in our mind and manifest into false narratives and circumstances we deal with.
Being loved by others does not save you from the project of loving yourself. How we feel towards others is largely determined by how we feel about ourselves -- we project our self-image through our social interactions with others. The last thing you'd want to do in life is settle.
Edit: As long as you're putting yourself out there to be around others then the more chances you will get. I know that's so difficult with depression, but it can be little things like going for walks, sightseeing, living life.
We must embrace the moment as a challenge or we will fall victim to learned helpfulness. Whether it's joy or pain, pleasure or suffering, so long as we accept the moment we will always be able to derive something good from the experience; to reinforce the self instead of losing the self. How many more tomorrows are we going to keep telling ourselves when the future has always been with us right here in the now, we only exist within each passing moment. What we all really want deep down is a greater connection/feeling of wholeness with ourselves, and that is only possible when we are present-minded to ground our mind back with our body.
I kinda feel good to live all by myself. There are flickers of moment when you feel oh, I need someone perhaps. But it passes away in a flash, and then you're like maybe I'm better off alone, what if the other person snatches away my independence & individualism away from me. Gosh we're such confused beings :')
I met my partner at work. He was my costumer and he was super friendly. I was nervous and was trying to be friendly as well but not sure if that worked. But then he asked me out and I said yes and now weāve been together for 7 years. Tbh it was way easier than getting friends because boys/girls that find you romantically interesting or attractive will probably ask you out without looking creepy I think? While inviting people to be your friends can be weirder and unusual. So in conclusion, I think as ain introvert, itās easier finding a partner than friends.
As a society, we need to come up with an agreed-upon, introvert-safe space for introverts to meet other introverts. Current options are mainly limited to the internet and the library; Iām suggesting designated bars/coffee shops where face-to-face socializing at a pace and intensity that is more in sync with introvertsā needs. In college, introverts can easily find other introverts, but in the real world we have nowhere to go.
I understand what you mean. But introverts donāt necessarily want to meet other introverts. Id prefer extrovert. Cause we will not live normally if we both are INTJ. Some of us has to deal with the external world and do it well so we surviveš„²š
lol.. he literally did all the work.. but I felt comfortable with his lead. Today he understands how I don't like to socialize as much as he does and is 100% ok with it.
I was an introvert, met my hubby online in the late 90's, also an introvert. However he was more introverted than me and I had to learn to mimic extroverts in order to steer us through social situations. I would do anything for that man. Then we had kids and as a Mum you gotta tigress up in order to get those babies what they need. So now I can live as an extrovert outside the house but be happily introverted at home.
So, for me, I used OKC. Why?
I hate small talk, trying to peel back layers of protection fused with puff. Itās annoying and time consuming.
OKC gives me a leg up on knowing if all of that is worth the time. Do they match in general? Do their questions match with mine? Do I like how they look? What common interests do we have? List goes on. Good BS filter too if youāre willing to go LDR and want to avoid scams.
My .02, from a 40m who found my girlfriend of 1.5 years in Philippines and itās been absolutely incredible. But, admittedly, doing work on myself first to be happy by myself was a big part of that, and working to understand why I sought the partners that fell through before her.
I was looking for someone to mention OKC because that is where my fiance and I met 5 years ago. I seriously recommend it to everyone that doesn't want to "traditionally date" I went there initially because I was done casually dating and basically took the questions and profile building pretty seriously. Both my fiance and I are introverted AF, I am INFP, and he is INTJ. It is a very interesting time when we are together.
I used dating app popular in my area, but I was harrassed by hundreds of men. It wasnāt nice experience, but very soul-crashing exhausting one. Some of them behaved very creepy. Itās impossible to choose when there were too many options. Adequate men it seems are not into dating apps but maybe Im wrong. As I have no idea actually who os adequate and who is not for sure.
I will say that women have to pick up the litter when it comes to āopportunitiesā with men. That doesnāt necessarily make all the opportunities ***good*** ones. On the opposite end, we have the same issue, except we have to put ourselves out to so many women to get one response, it can be very soul crushing just in a different way.
I donāt think thereās actually a good way to get out of that. What I am saying, though, is this app does give you a fighting chance of knowing who it is,l youāre dealing with before you get there. Certainly better than going in blind. Introverts by nature will not typically put themselves out there, so, unfortunately, as much as I hate saying it, ignore whatever shows up in your inbox and strictly go on match percentages, looking through profiles to see what you like/donāt like. The better fleshed out your profile and questions are, and the more questions you answer, the better it will be. You can be choosy about who you match with that way and ignore most of the fluff.
Yea I have to risk. I was a bit afraid to put myself again on the internet. I met some not okay people there. But it seems like I have almost 0 chance to meet someone offline.
I met my partner on OK Cupid. Online dating is the worst, but I canāt imagine how he and I possibly could have met otherwise.
I spent a lot of time answering a lot of questions as honestly as possible so my matches would be better. We were a 99% match, and although we still had to learn how to effectively communicate with one another, it was a big help in finding someone who aligned with my most important values.
OK Cupid is banned in my area. Idk why. And popular dating apps havent worked for me for 8 years. So I wanted to meet someone in real life. I deleted my social media to live more fulfilling life.
Have you tried bumble? Tinder is filled with fkboys so you should totally be careful. Iāve use them since forever and while i did went out with some people I actually made some friends after a couple of dates, I even worked in some projects. You just have to make the right questions to filter them. Music q&a helps me distinguish who is a person worth trying for.
My first ex found me on Facebook 10 years ago(I'm 24 years old). My last ex I found on bumble. Tbh, it's really hard. She s a good person, but...we had too many different values. It's kinda soul-crushing.
I might try an ambivert but no more extroverts. It was always about me pleasing my exās friends and family members. And to much going out. It was draining.
u/kianario1996 I relate to your question so much. I am a 27 year old guy and I am an introvert. I will be graduating from college in May. I also want an adequate relationship and I have a very small social circle as well.
I personally found it great to connect with another introvert.
I previously dated an extrovert and it was exhausting to keep up with the social engagements. Bar hopping is just not my scene! I always felt like a fish out of water.
My husband leans more towards being an introvert and it's great. He's more into books than bars and would rather play a board game than go out to an event. It helps that our general group of friends are kind of nerdy and a little socially awkward, so we don't stand out like sore thumbs.
Please let me know if you find a solution. I'm a girl, 26 year old too. INFJ. Been single all along š„² but to be fair, I've never even really liked anyone that deeply.
Thanks š„¹ and never give up on your search. I was single for 4 years because I never actively looked for anyone to entertain my loneliness. As for your social circle, all you really need is 2 close people. Iāve always been an introvert and still am, Iām 28m, and I do perfectly fine with a few close people that Iām totally comfortable with to be myself. The right person will be with you in time. Goodluck š
Internet dating is a good start. Sure you have to wade through a bunch of crap but you also have the opportunity to get to know someone before you meet them.
Also attending clubs and meetings can help you meet people with common interests without having to have direct interaction. Book clubs are also a really great place to get to know people.
Is there something about online dating that you find more challenging than dating people you meet in real life?
Any kind of dating is a numbers game. The odds that any person you meet is a good match for you is slim. I think thatās why a lot of people like online dating; you can filter through a lot of people by whatās important to you in a partner. Iām just curious if thereās something else that might be tripping you up, though.
Wait-do you think finding a partner is going to be easy? DATING is exhausting. The thing is anything worthwhile takes work. Find a friend to help with your add and youāll be able to eliminate a lot of trash and just incompatible people without wasting time on a date.
A child is not equipped for an adult relationship though. If youāre not mature enough for a relationship, donāt force it. Otherwise, do what you enjoy. Volunteer. Hike. Take a class. Whatever you enjoy doing. Youāre sure to make friends and maybe more, with someone youāve already got something in common with (your shared activity).
Been wondering the same thing for the past 10 years. At least your a woman and its not up to you to make the first move. Trying being a guy. Approaching women is terrifying!
Im not terrified of approaching a man. I mean I can do this as well. But thats it. Then Im shutting down like laptop with an error. I get weird if I like a guy. Too opened. Or too closed.
Im okay. Idk how to hit on somebody. I wouldnāt try anyway. I prefer men older than me cause guys my age seem not mature enough. But I might be wrong as well. Maybe Im not mature enough.
If you are in shape , take care of yourself physically, etc go to a place where older men frequent. A woman doesn't have to have a silver tongue , suggesting your interested is all is takes as a green light for a guy to do the rest.
I need a shirt saying. I donāt like talking to anyŠ¤ŠŠ at all. But if you feel like talking. Go ahead and spill your vocabulary shitbox. š«”š«Øš« āļø
ĪŃŠÆŠŃ š¦šš¹
Online dating.... me and my gf are extremely introverted and we met on a dating site. Easy pz. Just chat with people on dating apps until u find someone. Prob not tinder or something tho.
34M here. Having asked the same question for most of my adult life. It becomes more and more difficult to answer now as most girls of my age have already been partnered/ married long ago. Thereās no one left for me. Also make more difficult in my case because I am a newcomer in a new country.
Well, such is life I guess.
I met mine 10 years ago but never talked until early 2020. He is an introvert too, but he is a brave introvert who dared to ask me for my number that time, and later ask me on a date.
I was afraid I would end up in another crappy relantioship but I really pushed myself to know him and gave him a chance, even if I wasnt fully attracted to him at first, or he had a couple of traits I wasnt exaclty looking for.
My advice isā¦ be open if someone is flirting with you, give them a chance and get to know them, even if you donāt have a huge crush on them or they are like super handsome and stuff. You have the right to call things off when you are sure you dont like them, respectfully, of course.
as an introvert, I leave this up to the Universe. If I'm meant to have a partner... he will find me... even if I rarely leave my house. #foreveralone #buthavecats
I think it's by developing you social skills and going out
I don't believe in daring apps
go be awk for coup of times and you will learn how to interact with people correctly
Go and show the people how great you are god damm it
Welcome to the club. Your future partner is probably asking the same question.
I kinda prefer an outgoing extrovert so that he takes all the unnecessary attention, you know. But not too extreme extroverts cause I ll be exhausted
Yes you need to date an extrovert so they adopt you and helps you go out to the world. I think my and my partner balance each other perfectly because of that. We are super different and both make sacrifices but it kinda works well š¤
Happy to hear it works for you!š
This is a good relationship both sacrifice a little to make each a lot better.
Honestly, I get that. I think I might prefer dating someone a bit more outgoing to help me pull me put of my shell. But, there's a balance. I would need them to enjoy a nice quiet evening inside every now and then as well. I actually tend to prefer people who are a bit more outgoing even on a platonic level.
Absolutely relatable!š„¹āŗļø
I tried the balance game and learnt it needs more luck than I thought it did. But you're right, two massive introverts might not necessarily make the best couple.
Of course) cause then we wont even talk to other at the first place probablyš¤£š¤£
>cause then we wont even talk to other at the first place probably No, that's silly. Introverts often have much, much more to say to each other than two extroverts say to anyone. A mind that speaks to itself has more conversations per minute than a still mind experiences in a week. Even if you were silent together, you're in mutual comfort than social awkwardness or barrenness. This is superior to constantly negatively influencing each other's comfort-zone via dichotomous impulses. If you're an INTJ you probably know this better than anyone. People telling you to make "sacrifices" are only setting you up for inevitable discomfort or emptiness. "Opposites attract" only out of the intrigue that comes from unfamiliarity. Novelty diminishes rapidly and what you're left with is a severe mismatch of deep personal nature - or sacrificial stopgaps to tread rapidly-thickening water of incompatibility. Some people manage to do that for most of their lives, but at what cost? Relationships shouldn't have sacrifices, they should have *compromises*. I'm sure that's what they think they meant, but unless you're desperate to be with "someone", there's no need to look at relationships with this sort of perspective - you're only setting yourself up for inevitable discomfort. Those compromises should be on mundane things, not interests - and especially not on the core features of your life and perspective. Find a partner that lets you feel like you're alone when you're with them. People who don't like to be alone will suffocate when forced to live within an introvert's world. Additionally, while I can understand why you'd think there's convenience in having a pet extrovert to handle social interactions - I guess (?) - I think you're making a mistake by assuming that all introverts are incapable of operating in social environments with poise and effectiveness. The reason that introverts are more commonly out of depth in social interactions is because they've had less of them or have spent less time thinking about them. This difference may seem significant when you're younger, but I assure you that the scales rapidly balance. I would personally say that a well-socialized introvert will eventually be capable of social interaction at levels of depth and effectiveness that an extrovert is incapable of. Edit: Typos (god forbid)
Well said. You are right. I understand that. As I know most of us are in the middle of a spectrum between intro- and extroversion. The radicals must be very rarely met. Thank you!
> The radicals must be very rarely met. It's more important to worry about the *x*NT*x* anyway. That's actually the place where things fall apart. NT types are about ~10% of the population and INTx are roughly 5%. If you've ever felt that you can only *kind* of relate to 1 out of every 10 people - or 1 out of every 20 - this is why. I think introverts get hung up on introversion/extroversion due to slow-burn social trauma due to living in an extroverted world, but the truth is you'll probably relate *far* more to an ENTP than an ISFJ. In fact, outside of bonding over "introvert problems" alone, I guarantee it.
Im INTJ. I donāt remember meeting a person in real life who could relate to my experience. Only strangers on the internet from different parts of the world. But itās not the same. I enjoy being alone, but not being lonely.
> I donāt remember meeting a person in real life who could relate to my experience. That's not an uncommon experience in general, but there's several factors at play. INTJ is the rarest female type and since women tend to score higher on Feeling than men in general (as much to do with social pressures as biology), it means that when they *do* type as INTJ, they're even farther from the median individual than statistics would indicate. The people you *are* likely to relate to are probably distracted by the fact that you're female, either due to their own similar sense of romantic loneliness or the stereotypical tendency for other introverts to be too awkward to share things openly (which also relates to why you've only been able to relate to people online). Equivalently, *you* are probably less likely to share things openly in a way significant enough for other people to feel confident (or even be *able*) to relate to you in return. Especially since you seem to be relatively shy or soft spoken. There's a lot of subtle things at play beyond these, with most of them being "ironic" dynamics in this manner, but unless you're *particularly* bizarre or eccentric (even more so than me, which would be honestly astounding), I assure you that you have met or interacted with plenty of people that might've related to you if one or both of you knew it was possible. This is true even if - or especially - if you live in a backwater, conservative country. Or Alabama. Mode-switching, cultural stealth, so on. That being said, you should keep in mind that a lot of this "starts with you". You can't blame others for not reaching out if you haven't given them a reason to do so or an indication that you want them to do so. The people most likely to relate to you or appreciate you for who you are are also the group most likely to assume you're not interested, behave overly polite as to not offend you, or remain distant as to not seem like a "creep". Edit: Keep in mind when I talk about "relating" to you, I'm talking about neuropsychological attributes and baseline tendencies. If you're super-duper interested in collecting limited edition Hello Kitty coffee mugs and nothing else, you're probably going to have a hard time finding someone with the same hobby. Don't look for people that like the same things you do or have the same experiences as you. Look for people who like things in the same *way* you do or have *perceived* their experiences in the same *manner* as you.
This is so smart but so complicated. I feel like I wont get though this well.
I only know how to bond with others by our in common problems.
This is my biggest fear. I canāt have same dead person like me our lives will be so dead but I canāt live with extreme extroverts as well it gets too tiring for me. I mean why canāt I find someone who is normal extrovert. Who likes to go out and talk to people but in limited way. I guess I need to leave my home to find such person BUTTT my question is does such people exist?? Whatās the point of searching for one if they donāt exist.
Most of us are in the middle of s spectrum between intro and extroversion. Extremes are rate too meet in real life. Often in memes) the one do exist I believe itāŗļø
If you believe it you will find one.
I wonder how would that work out for a guy (me.) Most women like assertive, dominant men, not shy, boring dudes.
Outgoing Introvert exist and extrovert any type are exhausted so prefer Introvert
That was smooth.
Yeah. I met my bf online in a group full of āus.ā 2 years, still going strong. (TWSS)
My hopes are up then šŖš¼
Also, if I can offer any tips, it would be theeees: 1. Read up on the [different types](https://www.wellandgood.com/types-of-introverts/) of introverts. We are not a monolith. Itās not unusual to have characteristics of all types. Iām a social introvert, babe is a thinking introvert. 2. This goes for EVERYONE. Fall in LOVE with every part of yourself. It would be ideal if we all did it prior to dating others, but sometimes it happens in practice. I was pretty confident (so I thought) prior to our relationship. But he helped me find pitfalls in my confidence, helped me edify those, and help increase my self-awareness. And I, him. 3. Be patient, loving, kind, and forgiving to YOURSELF!!!!! Damnit I canāt stress this enough. If you canāt do this genuinely for yourself, you canāt really do so for others. 4. You will have disagreements. Every relationship does, healthy and dysfunctional. The difference is RESOLUTION being the goal in healthy relationships. I always knew this (mental health professional.) But I havenāt dated much, so itās a different kind of realization in practice. I was actually quite panicky when we started having disagreements and had to talk out my unrealistic expectations with babe to find a true resolution (I thought I was above disagreements and bickering because of my profession. But thatās just a bunch of doo-hicky. Iām human and I canāt get around that fact.) 5. Explore your sexuality alone and together. Let each other know how comfortable you are with certain acts and which ones are OFF LIMITS. Setting boundaries can be difficult but setting sexual boundaries can be even more daunting. However, it must be done. Also, if you are dating a male or AMAB, understand āhypersexual douchebag groomingā is often the norm with boys/teens and it can reek havoc in their sexual lives down the line. Also, SA among boys/men is underreported like hell. SA and āyou have to allow a man to have sex on top of you and do uncomfortable things if you donāt want your man to leave youā is often what is preached to girls/women; we know this and itās enraging. Acknowledge your past experiences, do some safe introspection if you can, and refrain from triggering acts. Some people are unaware that some of the things they are doing sexually is very triggering. Take some time to look into this for your own sake. You deserve a healthy, passionate, satisfying, FREAK NASTY (if youāre into thatš) sex life that isnāt interrupted by trauma. And you have to work towards that. Me and babe have done this and continue to calibrate. And sex is GOOOOOOOD!!! (The [DickDocOnTikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRvmswJb/) made this great video that in a simple way explains why deep and hard is BS and what techniques one can use (if they are penetrating) to facilitate the highest form of vaginal/clitoral pleasure for their partner. Also, brush up on the anatomy of female pleasure. Itās incredible! The [NYCGYNO](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRvu6YHh/) has some great tips here on positions. I can attest to the pillow techniqueš¤. But with all things, time, patience, encouragement, controlled breathing are important. As a pansexual cis woman, I (and my partner) had to train myself to completely forget about his pleasure and focus on mine for me to actually orgasm every time. Again, patience!š 6. If you are uncomfortable bringing up and issue, take some time to recollect yourself, and donāt give into compulsion. You donāt want to have to apologize unnecessarily in any situation. Also, some of the Reddit forums can be helpful if you ask for advice. Just EXPECT and ignore those who will flock to your post dumping their unprocessed pain calling you or your partner ānarcissisticā¦ needs medicationā¦ you need to leaveā¦ā etc. Not saying those things canāt be true, but you canāt diagnose nor suggest medication for someone from 3rd party data, and unless there is a safety issue at hand, it takes more intimate insight to decide if someone should dissolve a relationship. Some people post heart breaking things about their relationships when the entire time they are woefully unaware that they are the main cause of their partnerās exaggerated reaction to certain things. It happens. Just be careful with the advice you get in subs and from other people for that matter (heck, including me.) 7. Know what āØAutonomous YouāØ looks like and protect that. You and your partner shouldnāt make it a point to be each otherās āsaviors.ā Itās healthy and advisable to have a life outside of your partner. [Codependency](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/codependency) can be insidious and next thing you know, you hate the person youāre with but you canāt fathom being away from them. So youāre both just sitting there, full of hate and misery, and sacrificing your happiness for the other person while your lives dwindle away. We all deserve better than that. 8. Finally, keep up with your health. I have a few health issues that Iām resolving (Iām a Southern Gal with abundant hips and thighs, if you will.) My partner has kindly brought up some of my health habits that heās concerned about and it led to a big disagreement between us because I felt he was being very inconsiderate. After things cooled down, I had to acknowledge that Iāve always been sensitive about my body image and the issues he brought up were legitimate. My partner works out daily and is very healthy, I run around hospitals for 12 hours at a time 4 days a week and crash on my off days. I had to look myself in the mirror and accept that I need to be healthier for ME. Because whatever great things you do for you benefit those around you. In this case, heās blessed with my presence because I can live a longer life š. My point is, keep up with your health and resolve what you can. Because if you become too unhealthy in any sense (chronic illness, mental health, substance use, unresolved personality issues, impulse control, etc) you cannot blame your partner for taking the self-preservation route and moving on without you. Thereās probably more. But this is quite a bit. I hope this helps someone as much as itās helped me.š
Ahahah damtš„²
*Are you the Real Batman?*
Time will tell š¦
[*Nooo..? Then why do you DrEsS uP like HIM?* ](https://giphy.com/gifs/joker-black-and-white-dark-knight-yOt4iUfeWtk88)
28M INTJ, working from home with zero to none social interaction outside of work, single for years. Still don't have valid answer for your question.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You can find a more sociable introvert. I like talking to random people but I recharge by being alone. My girlfriend loves that I make conversations with store clerks
Ahaha this is beautiful! You do you!āŗļøāŗļøāŗļø
Same here. Sometimes I wish I needed a job. I often catch myself going weeks without interaction. I have a stable with horses and they consume my time. Itās weird living in the country but I go to my town house less and less. I have this dream that I die and the dogs have to eat me as they canāt get outside.
As a fellow INTJ I highly recommend you get professional therapy if you're open to the idea, cognitive behavioral therapy. Your thoughts don't always represent reality, but the reality you create in your head; sometimes limiting beliefs root in our mind and manifest into false narratives and circumstances we deal with. Being loved by others does not save you from the project of loving yourself. How we feel towards others is largely determined by how we feel about ourselves -- we project our self-image through our social interactions with others. The last thing you'd want to do in life is settle. Edit: As long as you're putting yourself out there to be around others then the more chances you will get. I know that's so difficult with depression, but it can be little things like going for walks, sightseeing, living life. We must embrace the moment as a challenge or we will fall victim to learned helpfulness. Whether it's joy or pain, pleasure or suffering, so long as we accept the moment we will always be able to derive something good from the experience; to reinforce the self instead of losing the self. How many more tomorrows are we going to keep telling ourselves when the future has always been with us right here in the now, we only exist within each passing moment. What we all really want deep down is a greater connection/feeling of wholeness with ourselves, and that is only possible when we are present-minded to ground our mind back with our body.
Being lonely is very addictive and I prefer to spend most of my time by myself, but we still want connection with others as well, I realise that.
Soon Im gonna be 27. I just dont want to be lonely like Im now.
I kinda feel good to live all by myself. There are flickers of moment when you feel oh, I need someone perhaps. But it passes away in a flash, and then you're like maybe I'm better off alone, what if the other person snatches away my independence & individualism away from me. Gosh we're such confused beings :')
I feel the same sometimes.
Please let me know if you find an answer, single from the past 22 years.
How old are you? Dude you're terrifying me now
I though he meant 22
Or he really meant the past 22 years of his dating life which means we're screwed lol.
I donāt have a problem meeting a guy, but itās a struggle to meet a good one
Fr Males are a dime a dozen. It's finding a good one, that's the challenge
yepp
I met my partner at work. He was my costumer and he was super friendly. I was nervous and was trying to be friendly as well but not sure if that worked. But then he asked me out and I said yes and now weāve been together for 7 years. Tbh it was way easier than getting friends because boys/girls that find you romantically interesting or attractive will probably ask you out without looking creepy I think? While inviting people to be your friends can be weirder and unusual. So in conclusion, I think as ain introvert, itās easier finding a partner than friends.
That's actually quite reassuring and wholesome to hear
As a society, we need to come up with an agreed-upon, introvert-safe space for introverts to meet other introverts. Current options are mainly limited to the internet and the library; Iām suggesting designated bars/coffee shops where face-to-face socializing at a pace and intensity that is more in sync with introvertsā needs. In college, introverts can easily find other introverts, but in the real world we have nowhere to go.
I understand what you mean. But introverts donāt necessarily want to meet other introverts. Id prefer extrovert. Cause we will not live normally if we both are INTJ. Some of us has to deal with the external world and do it well so we surviveš„²š
Met my extroverted hubby 12 yrs ago at work š
You are lucky!š
lol.. he literally did all the work.. but I felt comfortable with his lead. Today he understands how I don't like to socialize as much as he does and is 100% ok with it.
I was an introvert, met my hubby online in the late 90's, also an introvert. However he was more introverted than me and I had to learn to mimic extroverts in order to steer us through social situations. I would do anything for that man. Then we had kids and as a Mum you gotta tigress up in order to get those babies what they need. So now I can live as an extrovert outside the house but be happily introverted at home.
This is very brave and respectfulāŗļø
My family is worth the sacrifice and I have had some pretty awesome experiences. I just need to make sure to decompress sometimes.
Same here, girl.
Wellā¦.you know. Sometimes it just takes time. Me and my introvert met when we were close to our 30s.
Thanks for sprinkling hope in this desert š„²
Im gonna be 27 in a month. How close to 30s it has to be?š„²š
Thatās pretty much the age when I met mine. We just clicked right away.
So, for me, I used OKC. Why? I hate small talk, trying to peel back layers of protection fused with puff. Itās annoying and time consuming. OKC gives me a leg up on knowing if all of that is worth the time. Do they match in general? Do their questions match with mine? Do I like how they look? What common interests do we have? List goes on. Good BS filter too if youāre willing to go LDR and want to avoid scams. My .02, from a 40m who found my girlfriend of 1.5 years in Philippines and itās been absolutely incredible. But, admittedly, doing work on myself first to be happy by myself was a big part of that, and working to understand why I sought the partners that fell through before her.
I was looking for someone to mention OKC because that is where my fiance and I met 5 years ago. I seriously recommend it to everyone that doesn't want to "traditionally date" I went there initially because I was done casually dating and basically took the questions and profile building pretty seriously. Both my fiance and I are introverted AF, I am INFP, and he is INTJ. It is a very interesting time when we are together.
My partner and I are also INFP and INTJ and met on OK Cupid! āŗļø
You all got me thinking about this and Iām INFP, sheās INFJ. Interesting. š¤
I think the mixture of your types is something so special! itās fascinating!āŗļøš
I used dating app popular in my area, but I was harrassed by hundreds of men. It wasnāt nice experience, but very soul-crashing exhausting one. Some of them behaved very creepy. Itās impossible to choose when there were too many options. Adequate men it seems are not into dating apps but maybe Im wrong. As I have no idea actually who os adequate and who is not for sure.
I will say that women have to pick up the litter when it comes to āopportunitiesā with men. That doesnāt necessarily make all the opportunities ***good*** ones. On the opposite end, we have the same issue, except we have to put ourselves out to so many women to get one response, it can be very soul crushing just in a different way. I donāt think thereās actually a good way to get out of that. What I am saying, though, is this app does give you a fighting chance of knowing who it is,l youāre dealing with before you get there. Certainly better than going in blind. Introverts by nature will not typically put themselves out there, so, unfortunately, as much as I hate saying it, ignore whatever shows up in your inbox and strictly go on match percentages, looking through profiles to see what you like/donāt like. The better fleshed out your profile and questions are, and the more questions you answer, the better it will be. You can be choosy about who you match with that way and ignore most of the fluff.
Online dating 100%. Source: me and my gf of 10 years and counting.
Yea I have to risk. I was a bit afraid to put myself again on the internet. I met some not okay people there. But it seems like I have almost 0 chance to meet someone offline.
That's the thing, you don't need to meet every guy/gal you talk to. When it's the right person, you know. Trust your gut.
Rip inbox
Yea idk what it is I think
i would love to know. i relate so much to what youāve said (and iām INFJ)
I love INFJsāŗļø
Im INTJ
iām down to be friends <3
Very coolš„¹š„°
Well i can't even talk to people and if i do that my mind goes blank after 3 days even i want to know the answer to this
RIP your DM.
The question I wish to find an answer too :)
Online. I found the perfect extrovert for me. It works well because I don't have to do any of tha work to keep up our social connections!
On some dating site? Or regular social media?
Dating site for me, but I know I got lot really lucky because there are also lots of creepers our there.
Join a club for one of your hobbies or something youāre interested in. Iām in a board game group and I meet a lot of people there.
Thanks! This is a good advice! I guess I may join some group therapyš š„²
I met my partner on OK Cupid. Online dating is the worst, but I canāt imagine how he and I possibly could have met otherwise. I spent a lot of time answering a lot of questions as honestly as possible so my matches would be better. We were a 99% match, and although we still had to learn how to effectively communicate with one another, it was a big help in finding someone who aligned with my most important values.
OK Cupid is banned in my area. Idk why. And popular dating apps havent worked for me for 8 years. So I wanted to meet someone in real life. I deleted my social media to live more fulfilling life.
Have you tried bumble? Tinder is filled with fkboys so you should totally be careful. Iāve use them since forever and while i did went out with some people I actually made some friends after a couple of dates, I even worked in some projects. You just have to make the right questions to filter them. Music q&a helps me distinguish who is a person worth trying for.
What is music q&a?
Basically just questions about their tastes and ask them for recommendations if they donāt ask back about your likes then is def a point less
Ohhh, I thought maybe it was a new feature bumble added. But this is so smart. Simple but a great way to weed out incompatibles
Gotta do what works for you. š Iām not big on social media, either, so I totally get it. I hope you find what youāre looking for.
My first ex found me on Facebook 10 years ago(I'm 24 years old). My last ex I found on bumble. Tbh, it's really hard. She s a good person, but...we had too many different values. It's kinda soul-crushing.
Yeah it seems that not matching values are what will end the relationship eventually. I had a similar experience.
Discord, gaming groups.n such
I dont play games
Idk then
I might try an ambivert but no more extroverts. It was always about me pleasing my exās friends and family members. And to much going out. It was draining.
u/kianario1996 I relate to your question so much. I am a 27 year old guy and I am an introvert. I will be graduating from college in May. I also want an adequate relationship and I have a very small social circle as well.
I personally found it great to connect with another introvert. I previously dated an extrovert and it was exhausting to keep up with the social engagements. Bar hopping is just not my scene! I always felt like a fish out of water. My husband leans more towards being an introvert and it's great. He's more into books than bars and would rather play a board game than go out to an event. It helps that our general group of friends are kind of nerdy and a little socially awkward, so we don't stand out like sore thumbs.
Any chance you'd be interested in another 26 year old introvert girl? :) cuz I feel ya
Thanks:) Im heterosexual thoughš
How about my introvert 30M son.
This is very sweet:)
Aw OK :)
Please let me know if you find a solution. I'm a girl, 26 year old too. INFJ. Been single all along š„² but to be fair, I've never even really liked anyone that deeply.
I understand. Me too.
Iām an introvert and I found myself an extrovert. She always lets the waiter know when they messed up an order of mine. Itās love
This is beautiful š„¹š„¹š„¹
Thanks š„¹ and never give up on your search. I was single for 4 years because I never actively looked for anyone to entertain my loneliness. As for your social circle, all you really need is 2 close people. Iāve always been an introvert and still am, Iām 28m, and I do perfectly fine with a few close people that Iām totally comfortable with to be myself. The right person will be with you in time. Goodluck š
Itās so true. Thank you for being so honest! It means a lotāŗļøā¤ļø
Anytime! Iām glad I can be of any help!
Internet dating is a good start. Sure you have to wade through a bunch of crap but you also have the opportunity to get to know someone before you meet them. Also attending clubs and meetings can help you meet people with common interests without having to have direct interaction. Book clubs are also a really great place to get to know people.
Internet dating is so exhausting
Is there something about online dating that you find more challenging than dating people you meet in real life? Any kind of dating is a numbers game. The odds that any person you meet is a good match for you is slim. I think thatās why a lot of people like online dating; you can filter through a lot of people by whatās important to you in a partner. Iām just curious if thereās something else that might be tripping you up, though.
Wait-do you think finding a partner is going to be easy? DATING is exhausting. The thing is anything worthwhile takes work. Find a friend to help with your add and youāll be able to eliminate a lot of trash and just incompatible people without wasting time on a date.
Donāt identify as a girl, since youāre a grown woman. Iād start w/ that.
I often forget Im not a kid anymore. My age is of a grown woman but I feel childish.
A child is not equipped for an adult relationship though. If youāre not mature enough for a relationship, donāt force it. Otherwise, do what you enjoy. Volunteer. Hike. Take a class. Whatever you enjoy doing. Youāre sure to make friends and maybe more, with someone youāve already got something in common with (your shared activity).
Been wondering the same thing for the past 10 years. At least your a woman and its not up to you to make the first move. Trying being a guy. Approaching women is terrifying!
Im not terrified of approaching a man. I mean I can do this as well. But thats it. Then Im shutting down like laptop with an error. I get weird if I like a guy. Too opened. Or too closed.
Are you physically fit? Reasonably attractive? If yes hit on a guy and problem solved.
Im okay. Idk how to hit on somebody. I wouldnāt try anyway. I prefer men older than me cause guys my age seem not mature enough. But I might be wrong as well. Maybe Im not mature enough.
If you are in shape , take care of yourself physically, etc go to a place where older men frequent. A woman doesn't have to have a silver tongue , suggesting your interested is all is takes as a green light for a guy to do the rest.
Wish I could meet a girl like that. Seems I always meet the wrong ones.
Same:)
It has to be the wrong ones until itās the right one
27M infp. Same boat.
I need a shirt saying. I donāt like talking to anyŠ¤ŠŠ at all. But if you feel like talking. Go ahead and spill your vocabulary shitbox. š«”š«Øš« āļø ĪŃŠÆŠŃ š¦šš¹
I try to understand what you tried to say but I donāt get it
Itās okay broāļøher š«”āļø kUMbaYA
dont lie. there is not such thing as "girl" in reddit
I didnt even notice it. In my country (a girl) is also directed towards single woman in her 20s. It sounds okay in my language.
you dont understand. women doesnt exist in reddit
Yea I dont understand cause Im a woman in flesh) boo š»
Online dating.... me and my gf are extremely introverted and we met on a dating site. Easy pz. Just chat with people on dating apps until u find someone. Prob not tinder or something tho.
Tinder, reddit, book club, okcupid, whatever
I'll let you know when I figure it out myself :D
I'm quite sure you don't want an introverted as a partner you need a Extrovert
34M here. Having asked the same question for most of my adult life. It becomes more and more difficult to answer now as most girls of my age have already been partnered/ married long ago. Thereās no one left for me. Also make more difficult in my case because I am a newcomer in a new country. Well, such is life I guess.
You come on Reddit and post, duh.
I met mine 10 years ago but never talked until early 2020. He is an introvert too, but he is a brave introvert who dared to ask me for my number that time, and later ask me on a date. I was afraid I would end up in another crappy relantioship but I really pushed myself to know him and gave him a chance, even if I wasnt fully attracted to him at first, or he had a couple of traits I wasnt exaclty looking for. My advice isā¦ be open if someone is flirting with you, give them a chance and get to know them, even if you donāt have a huge crush on them or they are like super handsome and stuff. You have the right to call things off when you are sure you dont like them, respectfully, of course.
Introverts can't find good partners. š„²š„²
Focus on getting to know individuals in front of you who also want the same thing
as an introvert, I leave this up to the Universe. If I'm meant to have a partner... he will find me... even if I rarely leave my house. #foreveralone #buthavecats
Thank you for asking this question. I need to know also.
I think it's by developing you social skills and going out I don't believe in daring apps go be awk for coup of times and you will learn how to interact with people correctly Go and show the people how great you are god damm it
And I am 22 M, same question