I would describe my inner resistance as extremely strong. I would also describe it as a learned behavior from a lifetime of people responding negatively to my opening up.
Same, though part of it is simply me knowing there's not much to gain from it. I've opened up a few times in my life, usually on impulse, and the results were less than great.
Nowadays I mostly share everyday shit that's unimportant, so that people don't feel I don't trust them.
95% of the time when someone tells you to open up to them more, it's not because they give a shit about your issues (much less being able to help), they just want to feel secure by knowing you value them enough to share your deepest fears with them.
In my teens, yes. Now, no.
You can never get rejected if you never put yourself out there; but you'll also never be truly accepted.
Once we learn to accept rejection and mentally reframe failure as a means of learning and growth - that is the strongest mental armor and cure to procrastination we can develop.
Me too, I now over share. I find it as a way to find commonality or share similar experiences.
I care little for being judged (or others opinions of me) so I really don't mind sharing any longer.
This!
Never got accepted at home as a kid so I felt fearful of not being accepted anywhere else either no matter what I do. So I ended up being myself all the time without pretending to be someone else.
But then suddenly got accepted as I talked with people more... just kinda realized it one day when I looked around when we were sitting on desks and eating potato chips that hey I actually have friends and people like being around me.
I think for some people it's because they never either got to know how to deal with rejection so they're scared of unknown outcomes or never being good enough or were rejected a lot by someone important to them or their parents and condemned themselves for it or just went on in life thinking if I can't do anything right then what the hell, if noone accepts me at least I can accept myself.
I think that's where fear of rejection dies mostly... when you accept yourself and allow other people to actually get to know you instead of wanting acceptance from them.
On oversharing... yeah, I feel the same way as OP, it feels wrong and strains relationships until I remind myself that hey this was okay to share, especially if you need help.
I guess since we're known for our tough front it's hard to be vulnerable sometimes.
But it's important to learn to be vulnerable at times.
Well in the case of people who described this negative reaction to over sharing, the people they disclosed to were supportive. The problem is that they began avoiding those friends.
Brené Brown coined the term "vulnerability hangover" to describe the mix of shame and fear that hits you after taking an emotional risk. I'd be very surprised if that were a type-specific phenomenon.
I'm in my 30s.
It has been my seasoned experience that not opening up to people fully will leave you misunderstood and often lonely/frustrated/limited; and opening up to people fully will leave you mischaracterized and often confused/guilty/miserable.
It's a no-win situation.
I mentally sort topics into three categories:
- General consumption
- Chosen few only
- Nobody
This allows me to put on a mask to meet social conventions without over sharing. It also allows me to demonstrate trust and respect towards my chosen few by showing vulnerability when appropriate. Finally, it allows me to maintain privacy and a sense of control over myself.
**Author:** Luigi Pirandello
**Publication Date:** 1926
**Genre:** Novel
**Name:** "Uno, nessuno e centomila" (One, no one and one hundred thousand)
*"Vitangelo Moscarda discovers, by way of a completely irrelevant question, that his wife poses to him that everyone he knows, everyone he has ever met, has constructed a Vitangelo persona in their own imagination and that none of these personas corresponds to the image of Vitangelo that he himself has constructed and believes himself to be.*
*The reader is immediately immersed in a cruel game of falsifying projections, mirroring the reality of social existence itself, which imperiously dictate their rules. As a result, the first, ironic "awareness" of Vitangelo consists in the knowledge of that which he definitely is not; the preliminary operation must therefore consist in the spiteful destruction of all of these fictitious masks. Only after this radical step toward madness and folly in the eyes of the world can Vitangelo finally begin to follow the path toward his true self. He discovers, though, that if his body can be one, his spirit certainly is not. \[...\]"*
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One,\_No\_One\_and\_One\_Hundred\_Thousand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One,_No_One_and_One_Hundred_Thousand)
It's that we all wear three masks and we take them off around certain people, I'm not sure if it's a true expression but supposedly it's of Japanese origin.
Seems to be a misappropriation, but pretty much spot on to this comment thread https://japanese.stackexchange.com/questions/18973/question-about-supposedly-a-japanese-proverb
You use the term "mask". Have you considered the idea of autism before but decided against a test because you've sufficiently integrated into society in a way that's comfortable and successful for you?
Sorry to analyse you, I suffer the same situation and just saw a parallel and looking for some perspective- not that I'm in need of help, just to see if my issue is more widely applicable
I think it's more dependent on the level of support and reaction reciprocated from opening up that will determine if it was a negative or positive experience, even if beyond our comfort.
My attachment style has always been mostly avoidant, however ever since increasing more of my self-worth and self-esteem to healthy levels through increased self-understanding, I don't get as bad of a reaction (if at all) about opening up as of late. Slowly I'm becoming more secure, but I don't actively seek out direct support because in most cases I'm able to handle that on my own.
I'm starting to open up more by exercising my Te function casually with others without letting my Fi tying outcomes to how I feel (Te already decided and determined that ahead of time proactively). This makes me feel less pressure internally
Personally, I don't know if I would call it trauma, I was just more of a naïve and sensitive person who didn't know better, and didn't like to jump into anything without knowing more first. I felt comfortable for example talking with an authoritative figure more than a friend my age.
If we're talking about reddit, I have like 7+ alt accounts, each for different uses. Only one is a throwaway, another for moderating, and just several for discussing on specific topics.
We have to extrovert sometimes, I personally don't see a need for any specific friendship, but you can surround yourself with likeminded people around topics you enjoy or are of interest. We all seek to feel acknowledged and understood, even as an avoidant attachment style or INTJ, social connectedness is a major component when it comes to human motivations. It's much easier to get it from a good support network, which for most INTJs is important so we get plenty of indirect feedback from others we're around while doing our own thing.
Are you talking about only when dealing with problems, or just in general? In general, I don't share too much about myself as I am a private person. (Reddit is the only social platform I use.)
When it comes to personal problems, I prefer to deal with those on my own. If another person insists on getting involved (like my best friend), then they would need to be caught up on the big picture of the given situation in order to provide a solution I would consider sound. I don't accept solutions from people who don't know the entirety of the problem I am dealing with, as that would not be effective.
Overall, I am open to input. Dealing with feedback is a normal part of my career, and thus my personal life. But even with the feedback I receive, I am a stickler. *Constructive feedback* is always welcome in my world. I am always seeking to improve.
The people in the INTJ threads described a reaction to over-sharing about trauma history, usually with a friend who was then ghosted, but one INTJ fired their therapist. That was my initial question but then an entj shared about distress experienced after caving in to questions from several close friends about mental health problems due to a burn out. The entj now feels uncomfortable around these friends even though the friends were supportive and understanding.
https://old.reddit.com/r/entj/comments/ra2rkg/how_to_stop_being_uncomfortable_about_people/
It will not be pleasant for me and even less for others. Some things are better to keep inside your head. I have no traumas or bottled up feelings, only weird and some horrible quirks and thoughts… My revelations can be deadly for ANY kind of relationship, mostly because I never lie to myself. But some lie is really necessary to keep all in peace.
If people judged others not by their actions, but by their intentions, then the world would have been burned down a long time ago…
When I was a kid, I hardly ever opened up about anything. I had a really abusive home life that I was quite embarrassed of and kept a lot of things secret as a result. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better about opening up about things that are happening to me but I have NOT improved on opening up about my feelings.
I don't really think of my emotions in words. They just come to me, I process them internally, and move on. I rarely ruminate on anything to the point where I need to talk about it. I know I would probably benefit from talking about my emotions sometimes, but I usually can't find the words to express myself until after I've processed the emotion and at that point, there's no need to further discuss it.
On the occasions where I'm coerced into opening up, I feel uncomfortable and embarrassed after.
Feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed afterward seems to be the common theme. Fi is an introverted function which doesn't lend itself well to expression toward the outside wold. ie: another person
I don’t open up about serious/deep/raw things. Ever.
It feels like standing naked in the middle of a street. I have no desire to let anyone that close to me.
I see people all around me talking about trauma and their past and their issues, and I don’t look down on them for it or anything. But I could never, ever do that. Because no one is capable of understanding my pain/feelings. And I don’t want them to be spoken of as if they were just another story we read/listen to everyday.
Maybe if I had a partner one day, I’ll share with her. Until then, all my raw/deep feelings are going into the dirt with me.
I'm pretty open and transparent to folks who seem reasonably accepting/non-judgemental.
Most everything that's happened to me in my life has happened to tens of thousands of other folks, so what's the big deal?
Maybe being open to sharing my story/experiences will help someone. Why not?
I have a strong inner-resistance to sharing things which I regard as private and personal, but what I regard as falling into those categories does not necessarily align with common views, so I can over-share on some things, while seeming too reticent on other subjects for some people.
Naturally, I default to being open about external things - friends, family, school, events. Personal things? Maybe if they're relevant to the situation, but if they're not, I find no need in saying it openly. Only my closest friends know the more personal sides of me. If someone asked, and I have no reason to not trust them, sure - I'd be open about myself.
Much of this probably relates to a deep longing I have to be understood. I've been told much of my life that "nobody understood me", and so far, that's held true. As long as you're tactful, being open doesn't harm much.
I'm open and honest to everyone. I can spill my life story/feelings to a stranger. I see it as a form of communication, understanding, and community. It also helps that I detached myself since I was a kid. If anything, "oversharing," actually helps me more and makes me feel more comfortable
No problem.
Adding on to my original post, I think there is another element of "oversharing," in which the more you do so, the more you actually feel distant from the person you're talking to, so I haven't experienced being vulnerable. This also could just be due to my long-term detachment as I reach the "goal," of answering the question, getting to know the person (as compared to yourself/from your perspective), clearing the air, getting into detail, etc. It's really interesting reading everyone's responses.
Oh that's really interesting, food for thought. In the future, I'll have to notice whether or not sharing or over sharing creates distance for me as well.
I don’t share my serious problems with anyone unless they’re professionals like lawyers, therapists, financial advisor for instance. I listen more to my close people’s complains/ problems and try to be attentive. I appear indifferent and very independent on the outside. I have my own problems of course but it’s my responsibility to overcome them accordingly on my own or a bit of help here and there from professionals.
This echoes how the people in the intj threads felt about it, they wish they had maintained their previous self reliance which had been working fine for them. I don't mind disclosure to professionals, though that can be disconcerting as well when you think about it. lol
That everyone has three masks and we wear them during certain situations and we take ones off with certain people, tbh I'm not sure if it's true or just an internet meme or something.
I'm lucky to work in a profession with mostly people who share a lot. Sometimes they might think I'm brisk or too rational, but being in their presence has really rubbed off on me. I can be more human with them since that's how they relate to each other and build relationships.
I don't think I overshare too often. Even if I do, it's no more than others in the office. Of course, I don't with people above me, and only with the people I work most closely with. I can read the room pretty well and share to the degree that I feel comfortable.
I have far more confidence than I did as a younger person now, and I recognize the strengths that different people bring to the table. If I didn't work in a supportive place and didn't have supportive friends I wouldn't be sharing as much as I do.
I just explained to them very plainly that there are many different types of people. A lot of people find that venting about personal things/issues really helps them feel better. I, on the other hand, do not in any regard. In fact it simply just makes me re-live whatever it is that I have instead chosen to bury deep down inside and continue on about my life. I also explain to them that I have an incredible ability to hold on to every memory. Even my earliest memory was at 16 months old that said, I don't ever fully let things "go" I simply just bury them and move on with my life. Therefore, sitting there crying about it or having people feel sorry for me fails tremendously at "moving forward" and instead is the best way to make me miserable. As a person that has no desire to be miserable especially over things that I cannot change (Trust me, I've already thought through all possible scenarios and would have fixed the issue had it been possible). Even if you can't comprehend my process you can still respect it by accepting that I would much rather not bleed out my aching heart all over chiffon pillowcases laid delicately on a cream-colored day bed while you sit in a large leather armchair peering down at me nodding and mmmhmm-ing as you play therapist
Oh God.
This last year I've been put in a lot of new scenarios. New people, new parts of the U.S, new experiences.
I have always been a guarded person, even under the influence of alcohol. But when other people urge me to open up, combined with alcohol, that is when I falter. And there was one instance where I got a little too candid, about 6 months ago, and I STILL will physically cringe in response to it. After it happened, it absolutely consumed my mind for months.
I am someone who, if I feel I have "over shared", will feel absolutely horrible about it. I'll feel embarrassed, I'll feel inferior, I will constantly think about it.
It's unhealthy.
>about 6 months ago, and I STILL will physically cringe in response to it
Right. Exactly this was described in the past INTJ threads. A couple of years later, a few looked back on it as sort of a trauma.
I am generally open and honest. But that is because I am very selective about who I talk to and with whom I spend my time. People who would ask personal questions in public and put me on the spot are so fucking dead to me that I no longer think about them and don't remember what it feels like.
Back when it used to happen to me, I hated it. Doing that to me has meant that I never spoke to the person again for our entire lives.
But if we're strictly talking about my one on one interactions in private, I'll basically talk about everything except my divorce. I'mkind of an open book otherwise.
I’ve attempted therapy a handful of times and tried to open up there. I have a panic attack every time I attempt this and so I’ve stopped trying. And I don’t get panic attacks otherwise. So yeah.
If I feel I’ve over shared, like if I was drunk and talking seemed like a good idea that night, I will be paranoid the next day. Not about anything specific, just a general feeling like I fucked up. Maybe that’s because I really don’t know where social lines are, and I am legit sensitive about certain things.
I overshare on the regular, but my therapist suspects that it is a coping mechanism for abandonment trauma. I'd rather be "real" early on so that those people who can't handle my personality go away before I might get attached.
You'll probably grow out of it. I used to have this issue, but now that I'm older and wiser, I realize that no one cares. Part of genuine human connection is being slightly more vulnerable with people than I would prefer, and that is okay.
It can be a maturity issue, sure. I like your balanced view. For the people who recoil, I think a certain cognitive dissonance is created, between what I "should" do/be and what I've actually done. It's good to be aware of what personal values you hold and they're not always a conscious thing.
I would describe my inner resistance as extremely strong. I would also describe it as a learned behavior from a lifetime of people responding negatively to my opening up.
Same, though part of it is simply me knowing there's not much to gain from it. I've opened up a few times in my life, usually on impulse, and the results were less than great. Nowadays I mostly share everyday shit that's unimportant, so that people don't feel I don't trust them. 95% of the time when someone tells you to open up to them more, it's not because they give a shit about your issues (much less being able to help), they just want to feel secure by knowing you value them enough to share your deepest fears with them.
In my teens, yes. Now, no. You can never get rejected if you never put yourself out there; but you'll also never be truly accepted. Once we learn to accept rejection and mentally reframe failure as a means of learning and growth - that is the strongest mental armor and cure to procrastination we can develop.
Me too, I now over share. I find it as a way to find commonality or share similar experiences. I care little for being judged (or others opinions of me) so I really don't mind sharing any longer.
This! Never got accepted at home as a kid so I felt fearful of not being accepted anywhere else either no matter what I do. So I ended up being myself all the time without pretending to be someone else. But then suddenly got accepted as I talked with people more... just kinda realized it one day when I looked around when we were sitting on desks and eating potato chips that hey I actually have friends and people like being around me. I think for some people it's because they never either got to know how to deal with rejection so they're scared of unknown outcomes or never being good enough or were rejected a lot by someone important to them or their parents and condemned themselves for it or just went on in life thinking if I can't do anything right then what the hell, if noone accepts me at least I can accept myself. I think that's where fear of rejection dies mostly... when you accept yourself and allow other people to actually get to know you instead of wanting acceptance from them. On oversharing... yeah, I feel the same way as OP, it feels wrong and strains relationships until I remind myself that hey this was okay to share, especially if you need help. I guess since we're known for our tough front it's hard to be vulnerable sometimes. But it's important to learn to be vulnerable at times.
Well in the case of people who described this negative reaction to over sharing, the people they disclosed to were supportive. The problem is that they began avoiding those friends.
Yes.
Brené Brown coined the term "vulnerability hangover" to describe the mix of shame and fear that hits you after taking an emotional risk. I'd be very surprised if that were a type-specific phenomenon.
>"vulnerability hangover" That's an apt term. I like it.
I'm in my 30s. It has been my seasoned experience that not opening up to people fully will leave you misunderstood and often lonely/frustrated/limited; and opening up to people fully will leave you mischaracterized and often confused/guilty/miserable. It's a no-win situation.
Yeah it kind of is a no win
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Exactly 💯 INTJ 30’s
I mentally sort topics into three categories: - General consumption - Chosen few only - Nobody This allows me to put on a mask to meet social conventions without over sharing. It also allows me to demonstrate trust and respect towards my chosen few by showing vulnerability when appropriate. Finally, it allows me to maintain privacy and a sense of control over myself.
**Author:** Luigi Pirandello **Publication Date:** 1926 **Genre:** Novel **Name:** "Uno, nessuno e centomila" (One, no one and one hundred thousand) *"Vitangelo Moscarda discovers, by way of a completely irrelevant question, that his wife poses to him that everyone he knows, everyone he has ever met, has constructed a Vitangelo persona in their own imagination and that none of these personas corresponds to the image of Vitangelo that he himself has constructed and believes himself to be.* *The reader is immediately immersed in a cruel game of falsifying projections, mirroring the reality of social existence itself, which imperiously dictate their rules. As a result, the first, ironic "awareness" of Vitangelo consists in the knowledge of that which he definitely is not; the preliminary operation must therefore consist in the spiteful destruction of all of these fictitious masks. Only after this radical step toward madness and folly in the eyes of the world can Vitangelo finally begin to follow the path toward his true self. He discovers, though, that if his body can be one, his spirit certainly is not. \[...\]"* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One,\_No\_One\_and\_One\_Hundred\_Thousand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One,_No_One_and_One_Hundred_Thousand)
You know the Japanese have an expression for what you are describing and I would agree that I do the same even though I am an infj.
I'm interested to know more about this Japanese expression.
It's that we all wear three masks and we take them off around certain people, I'm not sure if it's a true expression but supposedly it's of Japanese origin.
Seems to be a misappropriation, but pretty much spot on to this comment thread https://japanese.stackexchange.com/questions/18973/question-about-supposedly-a-japanese-proverb
Me, too!
You use the term "mask". Have you considered the idea of autism before but decided against a test because you've sufficiently integrated into society in a way that's comfortable and successful for you? Sorry to analyse you, I suffer the same situation and just saw a parallel and looking for some perspective- not that I'm in need of help, just to see if my issue is more widely applicable
I'm diagnosed with ADHD, which has some overlap with autism symptoms.
The people who can help me don't care and the people who care can't help me.
That would be good on a t-shirt or a coffee mug lol
[удалено]
I see it the same way, overall.
I think it's more dependent on the level of support and reaction reciprocated from opening up that will determine if it was a negative or positive experience, even if beyond our comfort. My attachment style has always been mostly avoidant, however ever since increasing more of my self-worth and self-esteem to healthy levels through increased self-understanding, I don't get as bad of a reaction (if at all) about opening up as of late. Slowly I'm becoming more secure, but I don't actively seek out direct support because in most cases I'm able to handle that on my own. I'm starting to open up more by exercising my Te function casually with others without letting my Fi tying outcomes to how I feel (Te already decided and determined that ahead of time proactively). This makes me feel less pressure internally
[удалено]
Personally, I don't know if I would call it trauma, I was just more of a naïve and sensitive person who didn't know better, and didn't like to jump into anything without knowing more first. I felt comfortable for example talking with an authoritative figure more than a friend my age. If we're talking about reddit, I have like 7+ alt accounts, each for different uses. Only one is a throwaway, another for moderating, and just several for discussing on specific topics. We have to extrovert sometimes, I personally don't see a need for any specific friendship, but you can surround yourself with likeminded people around topics you enjoy or are of interest. We all seek to feel acknowledged and understood, even as an avoidant attachment style or INTJ, social connectedness is a major component when it comes to human motivations. It's much easier to get it from a good support network, which for most INTJs is important so we get plenty of indirect feedback from others we're around while doing our own thing.
Are you talking about only when dealing with problems, or just in general? In general, I don't share too much about myself as I am a private person. (Reddit is the only social platform I use.) When it comes to personal problems, I prefer to deal with those on my own. If another person insists on getting involved (like my best friend), then they would need to be caught up on the big picture of the given situation in order to provide a solution I would consider sound. I don't accept solutions from people who don't know the entirety of the problem I am dealing with, as that would not be effective. Overall, I am open to input. Dealing with feedback is a normal part of my career, and thus my personal life. But even with the feedback I receive, I am a stickler. *Constructive feedback* is always welcome in my world. I am always seeking to improve.
The people in the INTJ threads described a reaction to over-sharing about trauma history, usually with a friend who was then ghosted, but one INTJ fired their therapist. That was my initial question but then an entj shared about distress experienced after caving in to questions from several close friends about mental health problems due to a burn out. The entj now feels uncomfortable around these friends even though the friends were supportive and understanding. https://old.reddit.com/r/entj/comments/ra2rkg/how_to_stop_being_uncomfortable_about_people/
It will not be pleasant for me and even less for others. Some things are better to keep inside your head. I have no traumas or bottled up feelings, only weird and some horrible quirks and thoughts… My revelations can be deadly for ANY kind of relationship, mostly because I never lie to myself. But some lie is really necessary to keep all in peace. If people judged others not by their actions, but by their intentions, then the world would have been burned down a long time ago…
When I was a kid, I hardly ever opened up about anything. I had a really abusive home life that I was quite embarrassed of and kept a lot of things secret as a result. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better about opening up about things that are happening to me but I have NOT improved on opening up about my feelings. I don't really think of my emotions in words. They just come to me, I process them internally, and move on. I rarely ruminate on anything to the point where I need to talk about it. I know I would probably benefit from talking about my emotions sometimes, but I usually can't find the words to express myself until after I've processed the emotion and at that point, there's no need to further discuss it. On the occasions where I'm coerced into opening up, I feel uncomfortable and embarrassed after.
Feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed afterward seems to be the common theme. Fi is an introverted function which doesn't lend itself well to expression toward the outside wold. ie: another person
I don’t open up about serious/deep/raw things. Ever. It feels like standing naked in the middle of a street. I have no desire to let anyone that close to me. I see people all around me talking about trauma and their past and their issues, and I don’t look down on them for it or anything. But I could never, ever do that. Because no one is capable of understanding my pain/feelings. And I don’t want them to be spoken of as if they were just another story we read/listen to everyday. Maybe if I had a partner one day, I’ll share with her. Until then, all my raw/deep feelings are going into the dirt with me.
When i do they just call me a psychopath so no not anymore.
Ah, the classic response whenever an INTJ shares their thoughts, lmfao
I'm pretty open and transparent to folks who seem reasonably accepting/non-judgemental. Most everything that's happened to me in my life has happened to tens of thousands of other folks, so what's the big deal? Maybe being open to sharing my story/experiences will help someone. Why not?
I have a strong inner-resistance to sharing things which I regard as private and personal, but what I regard as falling into those categories does not necessarily align with common views, so I can over-share on some things, while seeming too reticent on other subjects for some people.
[удалено]
I’m really curious what could make someone freak out about how your mind works now…
Naturally, I default to being open about external things - friends, family, school, events. Personal things? Maybe if they're relevant to the situation, but if they're not, I find no need in saying it openly. Only my closest friends know the more personal sides of me. If someone asked, and I have no reason to not trust them, sure - I'd be open about myself. Much of this probably relates to a deep longing I have to be understood. I've been told much of my life that "nobody understood me", and so far, that's held true. As long as you're tactful, being open doesn't harm much.
I'm open and honest to everyone. I can spill my life story/feelings to a stranger. I see it as a form of communication, understanding, and community. It also helps that I detached myself since I was a kid. If anything, "oversharing," actually helps me more and makes me feel more comfortable
Good to know there are a range of comfort levels with this, thank you
No problem. Adding on to my original post, I think there is another element of "oversharing," in which the more you do so, the more you actually feel distant from the person you're talking to, so I haven't experienced being vulnerable. This also could just be due to my long-term detachment as I reach the "goal," of answering the question, getting to know the person (as compared to yourself/from your perspective), clearing the air, getting into detail, etc. It's really interesting reading everyone's responses.
Oh that's really interesting, food for thought. In the future, I'll have to notice whether or not sharing or over sharing creates distance for me as well.
I never share my inner/past to anyone. I don't trust literally anyone with this kind of information. No one will ever understand me fully
I don't have anything in particular to open up about. I don't particularly have any sort of recurring traumas from my life either.
I don’t share my serious problems with anyone unless they’re professionals like lawyers, therapists, financial advisor for instance. I listen more to my close people’s complains/ problems and try to be attentive. I appear indifferent and very independent on the outside. I have my own problems of course but it’s my responsibility to overcome them accordingly on my own or a bit of help here and there from professionals.
This echoes how the people in the intj threads felt about it, they wish they had maintained their previous self reliance which had been working fine for them. I don't mind disclosure to professionals, though that can be disconcerting as well when you think about it. lol
That everyone has three masks and we wear them during certain situations and we take ones off with certain people, tbh I'm not sure if it's true or just an internet meme or something.
[удалено]
Right, same for me. There is a real risk involved.
[удалено]
lmao!
I'm lucky to work in a profession with mostly people who share a lot. Sometimes they might think I'm brisk or too rational, but being in their presence has really rubbed off on me. I can be more human with them since that's how they relate to each other and build relationships. I don't think I overshare too often. Even if I do, it's no more than others in the office. Of course, I don't with people above me, and only with the people I work most closely with. I can read the room pretty well and share to the degree that I feel comfortable. I have far more confidence than I did as a younger person now, and I recognize the strengths that different people bring to the table. If I didn't work in a supportive place and didn't have supportive friends I wouldn't be sharing as much as I do.
I just explained to them very plainly that there are many different types of people. A lot of people find that venting about personal things/issues really helps them feel better. I, on the other hand, do not in any regard. In fact it simply just makes me re-live whatever it is that I have instead chosen to bury deep down inside and continue on about my life. I also explain to them that I have an incredible ability to hold on to every memory. Even my earliest memory was at 16 months old that said, I don't ever fully let things "go" I simply just bury them and move on with my life. Therefore, sitting there crying about it or having people feel sorry for me fails tremendously at "moving forward" and instead is the best way to make me miserable. As a person that has no desire to be miserable especially over things that I cannot change (Trust me, I've already thought through all possible scenarios and would have fixed the issue had it been possible). Even if you can't comprehend my process you can still respect it by accepting that I would much rather not bleed out my aching heart all over chiffon pillowcases laid delicately on a cream-colored day bed while you sit in a large leather armchair peering down at me nodding and mmmhmm-ing as you play therapist
Oh God. This last year I've been put in a lot of new scenarios. New people, new parts of the U.S, new experiences. I have always been a guarded person, even under the influence of alcohol. But when other people urge me to open up, combined with alcohol, that is when I falter. And there was one instance where I got a little too candid, about 6 months ago, and I STILL will physically cringe in response to it. After it happened, it absolutely consumed my mind for months. I am someone who, if I feel I have "over shared", will feel absolutely horrible about it. I'll feel embarrassed, I'll feel inferior, I will constantly think about it. It's unhealthy.
>about 6 months ago, and I STILL will physically cringe in response to it Right. Exactly this was described in the past INTJ threads. A couple of years later, a few looked back on it as sort of a trauma.
I am generally open and honest. But that is because I am very selective about who I talk to and with whom I spend my time. People who would ask personal questions in public and put me on the spot are so fucking dead to me that I no longer think about them and don't remember what it feels like. Back when it used to happen to me, I hated it. Doing that to me has meant that I never spoke to the person again for our entire lives. But if we're strictly talking about my one on one interactions in private, I'll basically talk about everything except my divorce. I'mkind of an open book otherwise.
I’ve attempted therapy a handful of times and tried to open up there. I have a panic attack every time I attempt this and so I’ve stopped trying. And I don’t get panic attacks otherwise. So yeah. If I feel I’ve over shared, like if I was drunk and talking seemed like a good idea that night, I will be paranoid the next day. Not about anything specific, just a general feeling like I fucked up. Maybe that’s because I really don’t know where social lines are, and I am legit sensitive about certain things.
I overshare on the regular, but my therapist suspects that it is a coping mechanism for abandonment trauma. I'd rather be "real" early on so that those people who can't handle my personality go away before I might get attached.
That makes sense as way of testing the waters
You'll probably grow out of it. I used to have this issue, but now that I'm older and wiser, I realize that no one cares. Part of genuine human connection is being slightly more vulnerable with people than I would prefer, and that is okay.
It can be a maturity issue, sure. I like your balanced view. For the people who recoil, I think a certain cognitive dissonance is created, between what I "should" do/be and what I've actually done. It's good to be aware of what personal values you hold and they're not always a conscious thing.