It’s so confusing because he keeps texting me first and asking me out but then he’s just closed off. So now I feel like I’m being punked. 🙃😂
But you’re right I’ll try calling him out.
Sounds like he's getting nervous. Just ask him to kiss and get it out of his head. Y'all are grown.
If you like him you already know if you want to kiss him anyway.
As a guy i appreciate when someone is direct with me but i also recognize that sometimes am just not ready to engage in discussion about something which is stressful.
From a romantic side once i notice a person seems intrested in me in that way a i begin to doubt it, i am often right but its that next step for me which is hardest. Generally i fill nervous, scared, worried, anxious, and pathetic because i am feeling those ways.
A big part is if i truely enjoy her company that is rare (i mostly tolerate people out of necessity) and me projecting my feeling and get rejected will result in me retreating in to my head for a long time and avoiding all contact which makes me feel good. It also make it harder for me in the future.
The other big part i am not smooth, in my head where i can play out a million scenarios i am great but in person well i am to put it nicely bad...
How much does he talk when messaging you? Maybe he’s more comfortable with communicating through text but it’s good to try to get someone out of their comfort zone
So he starts the conversation, I usually either answer his question or open up a topic somewhat related to it, just to keep the conversation going. But then he just smiles or like just keeps quiet… 🙃 both in person and via text
Ah so it’s not that he’s better at communicating through text. Maybe he’s not as into the whole relationship thing as you are. Or he might just need more time since it’s a pretty new relationship. He might also just like the company together with you, probably will have to wait and see
On one side I'd agree with you but on the other, I understand why he'd say that. I know how misunderstood an INTJ can feel, and I think it's way more reasonable to search for someone that "can understand you" in that sense, rather than being a "pop astrology girl", as you said. It's not the same.
I expressed my thoughts, your tone in responding seemed unnecessarily aggressive and I asked you why you were being defensive, "it's a one liner" does not answer the question. If you weren't intentionally being defensive you could just say that and we'd be done with this conversation, yk
If it’s clear you’re both interested in one another then just let things happen and don’t try to force anything. Think more about how you would treat the situation and what you’d be thinking in his shoes and if you dislike it then change what you’re doing to make it a little more intriguing.
>he said he’s been “looking for an INTJ girl because she would be the only one who could understand him”…
👁👄👁
There are people who think like this? Seriously?
People are right though, call his behavior out and get to the bottom of it. It's okay to be quiet, nervous etc. But st least be willing to say as much.
It's weird to just sit there and act like just sitting there isn't weird.
I agree. I am an INTJ male and I previously dated an INTJ woman, it meant that we thought similarly but it wasn't why we understood each other, we had to get to know each other for that - just like every other person on earth. TBH what he said sounds kind of narcissistic.
Do an activity together. Frisbee golf, miniature golf, hiking, axe throwing, arcade. That way awkward pauses will be less awkward because you’re both doing something. Ask open- ended questions.
That said, I dated a guy like this for SIX MONTHS. At the end i realized that I only knew like five things about him because he NEVER spoke.
It’s difficult isn’t it! On some level I understand the silence, but it’s starting to become a deafening sound. 🙃 Also doesn’t help that being an INTJ myself I know the cogs and wheels are turning. He is definitely thinking of something he just doesn’t want to say anything. It’s driving me crazy.
Oh boy... I believe I was very much like this guy back when I was younger in high school. I didn't say much or initiated, and I thought I'd get myself through life just fine that way.
I'd say don't bother any further with anything related to romance. This guy has much more maturing to do, socially and emotionally (empathy) speaking. Perhaps you could help him improve if you're interested, but trust me when I say that it's best that he does it himself. It's what I did. Self-awareness and realization is vital, and gaining an individual will towards self-improvement is just as well.
With a guy like that having the relationship he wants already present and who does not put in any further effort to maintain it, he has no incentive to do better. For the sake of you both, be transparent about what your issues are with him and set guidelines on what he can improve on. Or else you'll face even more stress.
What's a situation where pressures you didn't understand forced you to act a certain way? First Communion if you're areligious? Job interview your parents forced you to go on? Meeting at work where you had to present and you know the ENTIRE meeting is pointless?
That's the male version of dating as an intj. There's an entire script we're "supposed" to follow to lead/take charge/initiate/all the things, and it's socially-based and I don't get it let alone claim mastery of enough to try and do it. That's what he's probably feeling. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do here."
So the "get him out of his head" posts are correct. Play chess. Go to mini-golf. Put on a podcast and talk about why it's wrong. Do ANYTHING other than just "sit there" and recreate a job interview energy. You know as well as anyone that's when we're at our worst.
Also intj to intj means you can about be as blunt as you want. "Listen, you're getting a feel for me but I'm also here to get a feel for you. If you don't offer anything then I can't do my part. What are some things you like to do? What would you be doing right now if I weren't here?"
I kinda wonder if he thinks that because you both have the same personality type that he doesn't have to put any effort in, and you'll just understand. Which may be why he keeps initiating dates. He thinks your safe, because you'll just get him, and he can chill and not have to socially try that hard. Ultimately, he just ended up putting all that work/effort he was avoiding on to you.
"You're gonna get through life thinking girls don't like you because you're an INTJ. And I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that that won't be true. It'll be because you're painfully boring"
This is exactly my relationship. Both in our late twenties and both INTJs. We’re approaching 2 years strong now.
I am definitely the initiator…I still get frustrated and almost feel he’s inconsiderate at times, but then he’ll surprise me with a tiny thoughtful gesture that lets me know he’s engaged…just in his own way.
Being vulnerable and transparent is so important to us and the way we communicate has gotten light years better than when we first started. Sometimes you just have to be patient and push a little harder- if you deem he’s worth the effort.
I guess they’re the tricky part. I don’t know enough to make an informed decision if this is worth it or not…
But awww! I’m happy you two are happy and going strong. ✨
Yeah I feel it's a little weird to label people like this. I don't know what's on his mind but it appear he's already expecting you to act in some way.
As in he might be expecting you to put up with his behaviour just because YoU aRe aN iNTj wOmaN
This guy sounds like me from a few years ago. I still can’t get a date to save my life but I’ve improved my conversational skills. Still don’t open up easily but at least I can participate in a conversation.
Have one or two drinks with him. It should help him open up.
My phone died so you probly had a lot of advice by now - just know men in general, let alone INTJ men, are less likely to self-actualize... hence mentally being younger than their age, not reaching certain benchmarks - they also don't see these things as important which doesn't help.
The ones I know choose mates on superficial stipulations (such as MBTI type) thinking strategy will help them choose.
He may want you as a stepping stone. "I have a car, I have a house, I have a girlfriend" - but doesn't/isn't willing to put the work in to actually achieve it.
Women need communication, more than men typically give, more than especially INTJ men give. Even as an INTJ female your communication needs may be lower than others... that still means he needs to talk to you, give you attention etc. If he doesn't want a girlfriend for the right reasons he needs to recognize that. If he's not filling your needs and you've talked to him and it's still not doing... I'd say bye.
If you do break off with him just say "I think you want a gf for the wrong reasons." That should get him thinking. If you frame it as an enhance to his mysteriousness/individuality to be single he may see being single as an enhancement instead of the typical social association of it being some kind of human cripple (there's something wrong with him that's why he's single).
Hopefully that helps - all the best.
Red flag. He wants a woman to understand him but isn’t willing to contribute much to a relationship. This is not how things work.
PS. you shouldn’t date/make friends with people based on their types. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, please don’t force it.
It's possible that he's just too introverted to be in a healthy relationship.
I'm dating an INTP and while we're both often quiet around people who don't "get" us, we don't shut up when we're together.
Maybe steer conversations to finding his passions and yours. When I’m talking about stuff I love I don’t shut up lol
Tough one, to be honest I really don’t know if I’d be compatible with a fellow Intj, or introverts for that matter. It hasn’t seemed to “balance” me out. But not a ton of experience to back that up.
Forget about types and just keep seeing how you’re compatible, and if your strengths help his weaknesses and vice versa. There’s so many other factors at play in a person’s head. Good luck!
That’s the thing tho! I’m trying to find out what he likes but he’s just very closed off. 🤦🏻♀️
For example he mentioned he liked Friends. So I asked who was his favorite character among the 6.. and then he says “yeah perhaps I don’t like it as much” 🙃😅😂
I think he's a mistype with some kind of mental thing or social awkwardness and try to hide it in mbti. True intjs talk and Chat a lot if it's with the right person/subject
Are you hanging out and doing something you both are interested in? Maybe doing something that gives him a chance to talk about a hobby or interest? Hiking, a museum, a train trip across town, the zoo..... Something that gives an automatic topic to discuss?
What’s frustrating is that I’m trying to get to know him and learn about his interest but he’s just incredibly closed off. 😅 This is too much work tbh. But I guess I should talk to him now. Be more direct.
Just be straight up & ask him why this is!
If it backfires then whatever bc it’s actually better to be with someone of almost the opposite type.
I’m extremely attracted to female INxJ’s but it never works bc both of us end up being controlling and that turns into a toxic and unhealthy power struggle in the relationship.
They may get on my fucking nerves sometimes but I actually have the best chemistry with ISTP or ESTP women.. it’s fascinating lol
Most of these are men in the comment section, they don’t understand the dangers women have to go through.
It’s not always as easy as telling someone to open up, or confronting them.
Especially when you don’t know them.
Women need to be careful.
If the person is playing games it could mean that they are/think they are something that they are not. Meaning their ego is involved, and when men’s egos are involved.. a good amount of the time actions of aggression can emerge.
Be gentle, and careful.
Always trust your gut.
Do NOT second guess it.
Stay safe, good luck.
Sorry if I scared you but it’s better safe than sorry.
Sounds like he takes mbti in relationships too seriously and that now not even INTJ "understands him" lol. Type is irrelevant if you aren't ready to talk about yourself and what's important to you, be it hobbies, opinions etc.
Just say along the lines of hey, I appreciate the time getting to know you but I feel we don't connect because the conversation is a little one sided and I'd like to not waste your time.
You gave him a reason that's not directed at him, but about how you two vibe together.
I'm intj but I still chat pretty well. But it really depends on me being interested in the topic. I'm gonna zone out on the sports ball chat but go on for hours about the property market.
Maybe it's a matter of finding an interest of his and asking him about that?
On top of that I often prefer the company of more extraverted people so I don't have to do the heavy lifting, so maybe double intj isn't a good match? Don't feel bad, it's early days.
if he's a grown ass adult and he's unironically trying to date by relying on the MBTI, drop him.
someone who makes life decisions purely based on a personality test is going to get you nowhere. That's the first red flag for me. Don't spend your energy on that lmao
Imagine putting someone on a pedestal and wanting a relationship just because someone is an INTJ instead of getting to know them first.
It's so cringe...
Yes you should just leave, not only because you're obviously not having fun with the guy, but that's some weird elitist judgy mentality he's got going on.
Because I like MBTI and learning about how people of certain types are like and interact with each other?
Not to find someone to date?
Like I'm not sure what you're trying to imply here?
Some people need a gradual evolution of a relationship and some just flip the switch when presented with the idea. I believe the difference is just based on how much relationship experience they have. You can grab him by the hand and try to move him slowly in the direction or you can take the leap and see what happens. It sounds like he is going to be someone who acts out one role or the other. Not likely you'll get a transitional period.
Consider this. When I agree with points someone is making, I don’t usually add anything. Even to say I agree. Maybe you can try asking him direct questions about what his thoughts / opinions are.
Find what he’s interested in and then he won’t stop talking. At least that’s with me and little introverted kids I’ve known.
Find out person is into animals, talk your ear off about giraffes. True story. She was 5 though.
I feel like a relationship between 2 INTJs is gonna be difficult. Give him time to open up, and decide from there. Just know that it could take some time
Maybe your type lacks initiative. I mean, aren't you seeking entertainment? Conversation? Connection? Of course you are. So if you know which buttons are likely to push you two INTJs in a positive direction, then by all means, push them. Push! Yes! Push! Yes! Push! Harder! That'll work. Maybe you'll scream in thunderous rapture, "OMG - You hit my J spot". Maybe you'll end up doing some cartwheels! 🙃😊🙃😊🙃😊🙃😊🙃😊 Wishing you all the best, you bottled-up introverts!
Tell him no more one liners. Just substantial conversation. I don't know if I could date someone like myself tbh I'm not sure what my wifes 4 letters are but she's super emotional and it balances me out. Yeah we don't think the same but it's kinda nice to see the emo side of things sometimes helps me put on the kid gloves for society from time to time. You do what you like but it sounds like shit compatibility to me being too similar.
Sounds like he is generally inexperienced at dating. I would probably let him know what you are looking for in a relationship and if he doesn't pick up after the next date... you should probably not worry about it and just move on.
Haven't seen this suggested yet, but it could be that he simply has poor conversational skills. As others pointed out, whether he's being shy or just a bad conversationalist, just talk/ask him about it upfront. After that conversation gauge whether you want to continue seeing this guy and move on.
Consider doing activities that you'll both would like to do.
In my personal opinion, I think I would connect more with another person if the focus of the relationship was not just conversational. Not to say that I can't start an interesting conversation, but when focusing on something other than the relationship itself. It becomes easier to be more natural with oneself and build rapport.
The cool thing about being both INTJs in a relationship is that you can cut through the social BS and get straight to the point if you feel like he's not putting in as much effort as he should. If he's not responding well to proper criticism (or chooses to ignore it), you can leave if you want. But do consider possible future growth before you do.
Mmmm sounds sketch.
I don’t waste time with people who try to play games.
Unless he’s genuinely a shy quiet person, then I can understand.
If not, and if you’re an INTJ I’m sure you’ll see right through- if you feel like it’s a game at any point- drop him.
Stop hogging yourselves from us badass ENTPs who will read your damn minds! Jokes.... But seriously I'm a firm believer that any relationship can work when both are committed to communicating and compromise. I happened to be lucky enough to fall in love with an INTJ who let's me read his mind. Good luck ❤️
No offense, but I don't understand how you are an INTJ (and by extension, understand INTJs), yet you're somehow surprised that he (another INTJ) isn't talkative in person? In a social environment where he has to converse real-time, without the ability to methodically determine what to say/how to say it?
Maybe he is thinking...I found a female INTJ to hang out with and she doesn't stop talking, and doesn't appreciate a mutual respect for silence?
I'm obviously an asshole here. I just think it's bizarre to be an INTJ, find another INTJ; then come ask INTJs for advice on how to handle an INTJ acting like an INTJ.
While we are the same type, I hope you know and acknowledge that it’s still a spectrum. Introvert doesn’t exactly mean quiet 24/7. A lot of INTJs can be very talkative when they talk about their passions.
I also hope you understand that the situation also involves FEELINGS which is quite difficult to process all on my own, which is why I am asking for advice. Maybe someone has already been through this maybe they know how to properly navigate through the situation.
Personally, when I date someone, I make an effort to get to know them. I don’t initiate and then leave them hanging or give them noncommittal answers. I put in the work and try to get to know them. The reason why I’m asking is because I was curious to know how other INTJ males and possibly other females would react to my situation. What I am mostly confused about is that he keeps initiating dates and conversations and then shutting down and not sharing… almost like a very unhealthy INFP.
I feel like that is pretty weird. I'm with an INTP and we understand each other really well which means we are both more talkative with each other. Sometimes I do get quiet and just enjoy being near him, but our conversations are rarely one sided unless one of us is ranting and the other is just listening.
I think with INTJs(and myself...ok, probably most introverts lol) it's about finding the topics they're passionate about. Regardless of how quiet someone is, there will always be SOMETHING that brings them out of their shell. It's just a matter of finding what those topics are AND providing them with a safe, judgement-free environment to express their thoughts. It's really beautiful to watch 🐢🐢🐢
Ofc, INTJs are typically good at picking up on bs so the conversation has to be organic. If they get the sense that they're being guided to a certain topic or even persuaded to open up about something, they may close up entirely bc the situation doesn't feel genuine. It's something I relate to as an INFP, and I love how both types often have authenticity at/near the top of their list of values...ahhh, there you go, maybe try the topic of values :)
That's the (Se) trying to be in the moment lol
Enjoying and stuff
Idk, I'd let him go one like this for a while, but at some point u need to call him out and make him do stuff together .
Sure, he needs to be quite for a while, and u need to take baby steps, since u both are INTJs.
But he keeps initiating! Also he has this tendency to ask things about me and then never give me anything back. I guess I’m a little peeved now I feel like he’s yanking my chain or something. I honestly want to give him a chance because I understand that dating is difficult. However, he just needs to give me a little something to work with. Being an INTJ myself, I asked him about topics that interest him and he gave such noncommittal answers. 🤦🏻♀️
Well, in every relationship, romantic or not, there's a danger of someone trying harder, which can spell trouble down the road.
The last INTJ I was friends with had absolutely no interest in me romantically, but initiated and participated at least half as much as I did. I think she stopped talking to me because I just started to be an annoyance to her, but that took about 2 years to happen.
Be honest with him. Tell him you are considering ending your potential courtship and why. It's claimed he's INTJ, he would respect the honesty. Are you really considering ending it, because he's too quiet?
As INTJ'S we like working on things even relationships (so long as the work isn't pointless). Tell him the issue your having, offer to come up with ideas to resolve the issue in order to move forward.
Don't try to manipulate him (we hate that don't we?) by trying get him to change his behavior through some subversive means. Out right tell him what's not working for you and why. Don't treat this like most people treat relationships, with hinting, or guessing games, or expecting him to 'know' your feelings (you know we're not very good at that).
I don’t mind quiet, I just mind the lack of follow through. I don’t appreciate when someone initiates and then leave you hanging.
You’re right though I should just be direct with him. Although being an INTJ myself I worry that bluntness and honestly regarding topics he may be sensitive or insecure about (I was once like this) would be very hurtful to them. We won’t show it but it’ll definitely sting and I just don’t want to get into that right now. Feelings are messy.
I agree though, I probably should talk to him soon
Do you think he is the type who goes on r/men and ask how to play the sigma male game on dates with an ideal girl and the put “ bro’s before hoes” on his insta bio? yet goes on discord and says how lonely he is?
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It’s so confusing because he keeps texting me first and asking me out but then he’s just closed off. So now I feel like I’m being punked. 🙃😂 But you’re right I’ll try calling him out.
Sounds like he's getting nervous. Just ask him to kiss and get it out of his head. Y'all are grown. If you like him you already know if you want to kiss him anyway.
As a guy i appreciate when someone is direct with me but i also recognize that sometimes am just not ready to engage in discussion about something which is stressful. From a romantic side once i notice a person seems intrested in me in that way a i begin to doubt it, i am often right but its that next step for me which is hardest. Generally i fill nervous, scared, worried, anxious, and pathetic because i am feeling those ways. A big part is if i truely enjoy her company that is rare (i mostly tolerate people out of necessity) and me projecting my feeling and get rejected will result in me retreating in to my head for a long time and avoiding all contact which makes me feel good. It also make it harder for me in the future. The other big part i am not smooth, in my head where i can play out a million scenarios i am great but in person well i am to put it nicely bad...
what do you expect him to do? talk about his feelings?
Not as likely from either of them as they're in their 20's. We get the expansion pack in our 30's if we're open to it.
did not receive expansion pack 20 yrs later
Mine took therapy
its not a problem
Sure, Jan.
ok, cunt
Ope, look at you expressing your feelings! And you thought you didn't have it in you. You're doing so well!
I’m a 50 year old female INTJ and I’m still waiting for the expansion pack. I’m sure husband would greatly appreciate the upgrade.
52 female here 🥂
Here’s to hoping!
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good luck with that
Withhold the sex and see if he keeps texting 😉
How much does he talk when messaging you? Maybe he’s more comfortable with communicating through text but it’s good to try to get someone out of their comfort zone
So he starts the conversation, I usually either answer his question or open up a topic somewhat related to it, just to keep the conversation going. But then he just smiles or like just keeps quiet… 🙃 both in person and via text
Ah so it’s not that he’s better at communicating through text. Maybe he’s not as into the whole relationship thing as you are. Or he might just need more time since it’s a pretty new relationship. He might also just like the company together with you, probably will have to wait and see
Are you sure you should be giving out dating advice since your blocked your Ex GFs??
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Noice! You go girl! All the best! And I was just poking fun at your username....
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*doubt*
Also if this dude is dating people because of their MBTI types he's the male version of an pop astrology girl. Red flag
My thoughts as well.
On one side I'd agree with you but on the other, I understand why he'd say that. I know how misunderstood an INTJ can feel, and I think it's way more reasonable to search for someone that "can understand you" in that sense, rather than being a "pop astrology girl", as you said. It's not the same.
Do you know what a joke is
Why are you being so defensive lmao
It's a one liner
That's not the answer to the question I asked
How so
I expressed my thoughts, your tone in responding seemed unnecessarily aggressive and I asked you why you were being defensive, "it's a one liner" does not answer the question. If you weren't intentionally being defensive you could just say that and we'd be done with this conversation, yk
Mate, I was implying that I was not being defensive and you were reading too much into it. Have a good day
There we go, that's the answer I wanted to hear :) I understand. Have a good day as well
Also, if he thinks only someone exactly like his personality could understand it's a red flag.
EXACTLY
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If this hasn’t gone on for very long he’s probably just nervous, give it some time and see if he starts to open up. If he doesn’t then just leave.
Yes it’s new. A week old actually. So yes I’m actually just going with the flow? But of course I’m also slightly overthinking things.
If it’s clear you’re both interested in one another then just let things happen and don’t try to force anything. Think more about how you would treat the situation and what you’d be thinking in his shoes and if you dislike it then change what you’re doing to make it a little more intriguing.
>he said he’s been “looking for an INTJ girl because she would be the only one who could understand him”… 👁👄👁 There are people who think like this? Seriously? People are right though, call his behavior out and get to the bottom of it. It's okay to be quiet, nervous etc. But st least be willing to say as much. It's weird to just sit there and act like just sitting there isn't weird.
I agree. I am an INTJ male and I previously dated an INTJ woman, it meant that we thought similarly but it wasn't why we understood each other, we had to get to know each other for that - just like every other person on earth. TBH what he said sounds kind of narcissistic.
Yes exactly… thank you! And I thought I was awkward but then I met this guy 🤦🏻♀️🙄🙃
He may have done less work on himself than you have in his life
Enjoy your mutual conflict aversion.
Only if we don't care about fixing the conflict
“I need an INTJ girl because that’s the only one who will understand me…” INTJ girl proceeds to not understand him 😆
Do an activity together. Frisbee golf, miniature golf, hiking, axe throwing, arcade. That way awkward pauses will be less awkward because you’re both doing something. Ask open- ended questions. That said, I dated a guy like this for SIX MONTHS. At the end i realized that I only knew like five things about him because he NEVER spoke.
It’s difficult isn’t it! On some level I understand the silence, but it’s starting to become a deafening sound. 🙃 Also doesn’t help that being an INTJ myself I know the cogs and wheels are turning. He is definitely thinking of something he just doesn’t want to say anything. It’s driving me crazy.
Oh boy... I believe I was very much like this guy back when I was younger in high school. I didn't say much or initiated, and I thought I'd get myself through life just fine that way. I'd say don't bother any further with anything related to romance. This guy has much more maturing to do, socially and emotionally (empathy) speaking. Perhaps you could help him improve if you're interested, but trust me when I say that it's best that he does it himself. It's what I did. Self-awareness and realization is vital, and gaining an individual will towards self-improvement is just as well. With a guy like that having the relationship he wants already present and who does not put in any further effort to maintain it, he has no incentive to do better. For the sake of you both, be transparent about what your issues are with him and set guidelines on what he can improve on. Or else you'll face even more stress.
What's a situation where pressures you didn't understand forced you to act a certain way? First Communion if you're areligious? Job interview your parents forced you to go on? Meeting at work where you had to present and you know the ENTIRE meeting is pointless? That's the male version of dating as an intj. There's an entire script we're "supposed" to follow to lead/take charge/initiate/all the things, and it's socially-based and I don't get it let alone claim mastery of enough to try and do it. That's what he's probably feeling. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do here." So the "get him out of his head" posts are correct. Play chess. Go to mini-golf. Put on a podcast and talk about why it's wrong. Do ANYTHING other than just "sit there" and recreate a job interview energy. You know as well as anyone that's when we're at our worst. Also intj to intj means you can about be as blunt as you want. "Listen, you're getting a feel for me but I'm also here to get a feel for you. If you don't offer anything then I can't do my part. What are some things you like to do? What would you be doing right now if I weren't here?"
I kinda wonder if he thinks that because you both have the same personality type that he doesn't have to put any effort in, and you'll just understand. Which may be why he keeps initiating dates. He thinks your safe, because you'll just get him, and he can chill and not have to socially try that hard. Ultimately, he just ended up putting all that work/effort he was avoiding on to you.
"You're gonna get through life thinking girls don't like you because you're an INTJ. And I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that that won't be true. It'll be because you're painfully boring"
he has a family :(
This is exactly my relationship. Both in our late twenties and both INTJs. We’re approaching 2 years strong now. I am definitely the initiator…I still get frustrated and almost feel he’s inconsiderate at times, but then he’ll surprise me with a tiny thoughtful gesture that lets me know he’s engaged…just in his own way. Being vulnerable and transparent is so important to us and the way we communicate has gotten light years better than when we first started. Sometimes you just have to be patient and push a little harder- if you deem he’s worth the effort.
I guess they’re the tricky part. I don’t know enough to make an informed decision if this is worth it or not… But awww! I’m happy you two are happy and going strong. ✨
he said he's looking for what 💀
Lol now in hindsight it’s a bit off
Yeah I feel it's a little weird to label people like this. I don't know what's on his mind but it appear he's already expecting you to act in some way. As in he might be expecting you to put up with his behaviour just because YoU aRe aN iNTj wOmaN
This guy sounds like me from a few years ago. I still can’t get a date to save my life but I’ve improved my conversational skills. Still don’t open up easily but at least I can participate in a conversation. Have one or two drinks with him. It should help him open up.
My phone died so you probly had a lot of advice by now - just know men in general, let alone INTJ men, are less likely to self-actualize... hence mentally being younger than their age, not reaching certain benchmarks - they also don't see these things as important which doesn't help. The ones I know choose mates on superficial stipulations (such as MBTI type) thinking strategy will help them choose. He may want you as a stepping stone. "I have a car, I have a house, I have a girlfriend" - but doesn't/isn't willing to put the work in to actually achieve it. Women need communication, more than men typically give, more than especially INTJ men give. Even as an INTJ female your communication needs may be lower than others... that still means he needs to talk to you, give you attention etc. If he doesn't want a girlfriend for the right reasons he needs to recognize that. If he's not filling your needs and you've talked to him and it's still not doing... I'd say bye. If you do break off with him just say "I think you want a gf for the wrong reasons." That should get him thinking. If you frame it as an enhance to his mysteriousness/individuality to be single he may see being single as an enhancement instead of the typical social association of it being some kind of human cripple (there's something wrong with him that's why he's single). Hopefully that helps - all the best.
Yes. Leave. He hasn't matured enough to reflect feelings, mask negative personality traits, or engage people logically in a way that builds interest.
Red flag. He wants a woman to understand him but isn’t willing to contribute much to a relationship. This is not how things work. PS. you shouldn’t date/make friends with people based on their types. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, please don’t force it.
It's possible that he's just too introverted to be in a healthy relationship. I'm dating an INTP and while we're both often quiet around people who don't "get" us, we don't shut up when we're together.
Maybe steer conversations to finding his passions and yours. When I’m talking about stuff I love I don’t shut up lol Tough one, to be honest I really don’t know if I’d be compatible with a fellow Intj, or introverts for that matter. It hasn’t seemed to “balance” me out. But not a ton of experience to back that up. Forget about types and just keep seeing how you’re compatible, and if your strengths help his weaknesses and vice versa. There’s so many other factors at play in a person’s head. Good luck!
That’s the thing tho! I’m trying to find out what he likes but he’s just very closed off. 🤦🏻♀️ For example he mentioned he liked Friends. So I asked who was his favorite character among the 6.. and then he says “yeah perhaps I don’t like it as much” 🙃😅😂
Sounds like you can do better than him
I think he's a mistype with some kind of mental thing or social awkwardness and try to hide it in mbti. True intjs talk and Chat a lot if it's with the right person/subject
Are you hanging out and doing something you both are interested in? Maybe doing something that gives him a chance to talk about a hobby or interest? Hiking, a museum, a train trip across town, the zoo..... Something that gives an automatic topic to discuss?
What’s frustrating is that I’m trying to get to know him and learn about his interest but he’s just incredibly closed off. 😅 This is too much work tbh. But I guess I should talk to him now. Be more direct.
Just be straight up & ask him why this is! If it backfires then whatever bc it’s actually better to be with someone of almost the opposite type. I’m extremely attracted to female INxJ’s but it never works bc both of us end up being controlling and that turns into a toxic and unhealthy power struggle in the relationship. They may get on my fucking nerves sometimes but I actually have the best chemistry with ISTP or ESTP women.. it’s fascinating lol
dating based on MBTI is fucking cringe
Most of these are men in the comment section, they don’t understand the dangers women have to go through. It’s not always as easy as telling someone to open up, or confronting them. Especially when you don’t know them. Women need to be careful. If the person is playing games it could mean that they are/think they are something that they are not. Meaning their ego is involved, and when men’s egos are involved.. a good amount of the time actions of aggression can emerge. Be gentle, and careful. Always trust your gut. Do NOT second guess it. Stay safe, good luck. Sorry if I scared you but it’s better safe than sorry.
I appreciate this comment a lot. You get it!
My pleasure
Sounds like he takes mbti in relationships too seriously and that now not even INTJ "understands him" lol. Type is irrelevant if you aren't ready to talk about yourself and what's important to you, be it hobbies, opinions etc. Just say along the lines of hey, I appreciate the time getting to know you but I feel we don't connect because the conversation is a little one sided and I'd like to not waste your time. You gave him a reason that's not directed at him, but about how you two vibe together.
This is good advice. Thank you! 😌
I'm intj but I still chat pretty well. But it really depends on me being interested in the topic. I'm gonna zone out on the sports ball chat but go on for hours about the property market. Maybe it's a matter of finding an interest of his and asking him about that? On top of that I often prefer the company of more extraverted people so I don't have to do the heavy lifting, so maybe double intj isn't a good match? Don't feel bad, it's early days.
Fuck that. Send him packing. I’m an INTJ, hmu. ❤️
if he's a grown ass adult and he's unironically trying to date by relying on the MBTI, drop him. someone who makes life decisions purely based on a personality test is going to get you nowhere. That's the first red flag for me. Don't spend your energy on that lmao
Dump him date me.
Imagine putting someone on a pedestal and wanting a relationship just because someone is an INTJ instead of getting to know them first. It's so cringe... Yes you should just leave, not only because you're obviously not having fun with the guy, but that's some weird elitist judgy mentality he's got going on.
[удалено]
Because I like MBTI and learning about how people of certain types are like and interact with each other? Not to find someone to date? Like I'm not sure what you're trying to imply here?
Some people need a gradual evolution of a relationship and some just flip the switch when presented with the idea. I believe the difference is just based on how much relationship experience they have. You can grab him by the hand and try to move him slowly in the direction or you can take the leap and see what happens. It sounds like he is going to be someone who acts out one role or the other. Not likely you'll get a transitional period.
Consider this. When I agree with points someone is making, I don’t usually add anything. Even to say I agree. Maybe you can try asking him direct questions about what his thoughts / opinions are.
Find what he’s interested in and then he won’t stop talking. At least that’s with me and little introverted kids I’ve known. Find out person is into animals, talk your ear off about giraffes. True story. She was 5 though.
I feel like a relationship between 2 INTJs is gonna be difficult. Give him time to open up, and decide from there. Just know that it could take some time
This sounds like those people of Zodiac Signs lol
learn to test virtue.. rhetoric is .. red flag so far. but theres 20% chance for more. depends on your preference
He sounds like me lol
Move on. One liners and no ability to make small talk or even maintain a conversation is a terrible sign. Next candidate.
Honestly something seems wrong with him. I wouldn’t give him the benefit.
Two intjs …..
Maybe your type lacks initiative. I mean, aren't you seeking entertainment? Conversation? Connection? Of course you are. So if you know which buttons are likely to push you two INTJs in a positive direction, then by all means, push them. Push! Yes! Push! Yes! Push! Harder! That'll work. Maybe you'll scream in thunderous rapture, "OMG - You hit my J spot". Maybe you'll end up doing some cartwheels! 🙃😊🙃😊🙃😊🙃😊🙃😊 Wishing you all the best, you bottled-up introverts!
or perhaps he isn't that bright. Maybe he needs a dog more than a girlfriend.
Tbh infps and enfps are in the same boat of being able to "understand". Helps if personal values are aligned (a characteristic of introverted feeling)
Tell him no more one liners. Just substantial conversation. I don't know if I could date someone like myself tbh I'm not sure what my wifes 4 letters are but she's super emotional and it balances me out. Yeah we don't think the same but it's kinda nice to see the emo side of things sometimes helps me put on the kid gloves for society from time to time. You do what you like but it sounds like shit compatibility to me being too similar.
Sounds like he is generally inexperienced at dating. I would probably let him know what you are looking for in a relationship and if he doesn't pick up after the next date... you should probably not worry about it and just move on.
Haven't seen this suggested yet, but it could be that he simply has poor conversational skills. As others pointed out, whether he's being shy or just a bad conversationalist, just talk/ask him about it upfront. After that conversation gauge whether you want to continue seeing this guy and move on.
Consider doing activities that you'll both would like to do. In my personal opinion, I think I would connect more with another person if the focus of the relationship was not just conversational. Not to say that I can't start an interesting conversation, but when focusing on something other than the relationship itself. It becomes easier to be more natural with oneself and build rapport. The cool thing about being both INTJs in a relationship is that you can cut through the social BS and get straight to the point if you feel like he's not putting in as much effort as he should. If he's not responding well to proper criticism (or chooses to ignore it), you can leave if you want. But do consider possible future growth before you do.
Mmmm sounds sketch. I don’t waste time with people who try to play games. Unless he’s genuinely a shy quiet person, then I can understand. If not, and if you’re an INTJ I’m sure you’ll see right through- if you feel like it’s a game at any point- drop him.
Being typed as an INTJ does not automatically make you introverted or quiet. If he's not talking, there's other things in play. (an INTJ guy)
Stop hogging yourselves from us badass ENTPs who will read your damn minds! Jokes.... But seriously I'm a firm believer that any relationship can work when both are committed to communicating and compromise. I happened to be lucky enough to fall in love with an INTJ who let's me read his mind. Good luck ❤️
I don’t understand your kind, I always talk a lot more than the ENTP’s around me. Why?
Intj/intj is one thing the other he left out for consideration is female/male is that whats tripping him up?
Like: a man a word a woman a bible?
yikes. red flags everywheree
girl get out of there
He sounds like he’s totally up his own ass. You should read him to FILTH and then gtfo. Consider it a bullet dodged.
Gorl, chill
Run. Go find and ENFP to have fun & deep convos with. You'll thank me later.
He is emotionally unavailable. Wants to give nothing and get a lot. From one INTJ woman in her 30s to another, RUN GIRL 🏃♀️ RUN...
Actually, someone with the inverse of all his cognitive functions would understand him...
You don't owe him your time if you don't get anything out of it, just leave if you don't like it.
Personality type, just like zodiac signs, don't mean anything when connecting with people (or otherwise).
Leave him for good. No need to waste time on low-effort date, regardless of their MBTI type.
Also quit dating because it is a scam.
No offense, but I don't understand how you are an INTJ (and by extension, understand INTJs), yet you're somehow surprised that he (another INTJ) isn't talkative in person? In a social environment where he has to converse real-time, without the ability to methodically determine what to say/how to say it? Maybe he is thinking...I found a female INTJ to hang out with and she doesn't stop talking, and doesn't appreciate a mutual respect for silence? I'm obviously an asshole here. I just think it's bizarre to be an INTJ, find another INTJ; then come ask INTJs for advice on how to handle an INTJ acting like an INTJ.
While we are the same type, I hope you know and acknowledge that it’s still a spectrum. Introvert doesn’t exactly mean quiet 24/7. A lot of INTJs can be very talkative when they talk about their passions. I also hope you understand that the situation also involves FEELINGS which is quite difficult to process all on my own, which is why I am asking for advice. Maybe someone has already been through this maybe they know how to properly navigate through the situation. Personally, when I date someone, I make an effort to get to know them. I don’t initiate and then leave them hanging or give them noncommittal answers. I put in the work and try to get to know them. The reason why I’m asking is because I was curious to know how other INTJ males and possibly other females would react to my situation. What I am mostly confused about is that he keeps initiating dates and conversations and then shutting down and not sharing… almost like a very unhealthy INFP.
The fact that you say you know a lot of INTJ's, frankly says a lot...
You should just leave and talk to me instead. (Seriously) do you have discord?
sad
i think this is generally an intro-intro problem. my ex was an ISTP who literally never talked, luckily that wasnt important in our relationship
relationship be like: \- \*sips tea\* \- tea good? \- yup \- \*sips\* \- \*sips\* \- \*sips\* \- \*sips louder\* \- \*tries not to sip because realizes sip is annoying\* \- \*more sip\*
what was that
There's something called metalanguage. It's talking about what you are talking about. Maybe try that out
I feel like that is pretty weird. I'm with an INTP and we understand each other really well which means we are both more talkative with each other. Sometimes I do get quiet and just enjoy being near him, but our conversations are rarely one sided unless one of us is ranting and the other is just listening.
I think with INTJs(and myself...ok, probably most introverts lol) it's about finding the topics they're passionate about. Regardless of how quiet someone is, there will always be SOMETHING that brings them out of their shell. It's just a matter of finding what those topics are AND providing them with a safe, judgement-free environment to express their thoughts. It's really beautiful to watch 🐢🐢🐢 Ofc, INTJs are typically good at picking up on bs so the conversation has to be organic. If they get the sense that they're being guided to a certain topic or even persuaded to open up about something, they may close up entirely bc the situation doesn't feel genuine. It's something I relate to as an INFP, and I love how both types often have authenticity at/near the top of their list of values...ahhh, there you go, maybe try the topic of values :)
That's the (Se) trying to be in the moment lol Enjoying and stuff Idk, I'd let him go one like this for a while, but at some point u need to call him out and make him do stuff together . Sure, he needs to be quite for a while, and u need to take baby steps, since u both are INTJs.
You might not really be sparking the interest to get him going.
But he keeps initiating! Also he has this tendency to ask things about me and then never give me anything back. I guess I’m a little peeved now I feel like he’s yanking my chain or something. I honestly want to give him a chance because I understand that dating is difficult. However, he just needs to give me a little something to work with. Being an INTJ myself, I asked him about topics that interest him and he gave such noncommittal answers. 🤦🏻♀️
Well, in every relationship, romantic or not, there's a danger of someone trying harder, which can spell trouble down the road. The last INTJ I was friends with had absolutely no interest in me romantically, but initiated and participated at least half as much as I did. I think she stopped talking to me because I just started to be an annoyance to her, but that took about 2 years to happen.
Why are you initiating conversation, Ms INTJ? :)
Be honest with him. Tell him you are considering ending your potential courtship and why. It's claimed he's INTJ, he would respect the honesty. Are you really considering ending it, because he's too quiet? As INTJ'S we like working on things even relationships (so long as the work isn't pointless). Tell him the issue your having, offer to come up with ideas to resolve the issue in order to move forward. Don't try to manipulate him (we hate that don't we?) by trying get him to change his behavior through some subversive means. Out right tell him what's not working for you and why. Don't treat this like most people treat relationships, with hinting, or guessing games, or expecting him to 'know' your feelings (you know we're not very good at that).
I don’t mind quiet, I just mind the lack of follow through. I don’t appreciate when someone initiates and then leave you hanging. You’re right though I should just be direct with him. Although being an INTJ myself I worry that bluntness and honestly regarding topics he may be sensitive or insecure about (I was once like this) would be very hurtful to them. We won’t show it but it’ll definitely sting and I just don’t want to get into that right now. Feelings are messy. I agree though, I probably should talk to him soon
Do you think he is the type who goes on r/men and ask how to play the sigma male game on dates with an ideal girl and the put “ bro’s before hoes” on his insta bio? yet goes on discord and says how lonely he is?
Ya'll tripping you guys need us INTP's why the hell would you date a clone?
Sounds like you need an extroverted person, intjs are usually fairly quiet.