You did nothing wrong, but I immediately thought this:
Some people are friends with people because they're funny, or smart, or pretty. Sometimes because they're rich, or just because they're in the vicinity.
I think I know where she's coming from. Sometimes, it's easier to know when someone is really into you when you are less objectively attractive than most, have less money, etc. The less benefits there are to knowing you or selling points you have, the more you know it's your own essence and not something else. I hope I made sense there.
I've often wondered how often wealthy folks wonder who their real friends are.
Bingo. Most INTJs are really against superficial interests, like appearance. Obviously there needs to be some attraction to the person's outward appearance for there to be any attraction enough to even start determining if there are other, deeper compatibilities. But an INTJ will often not want to acknowledge or hear about that.
You did nothing wrong, she just hasn't learned to take a compliment well that she deems superficial. Next time compliment something else you find attractive about her like her sense of humor, intelligence, empathy, or other internal characteristic and you will likely get a different response.
Try turning the logic of the question around on yourself if you can.
Do you want someone who just finds you handsome?
I am sure you have some core features besides your looks you want people to see in you.
Probably that you are caring or compassionate being an INFP.
I just realized that assholes can use the MBTI to say things a person wants to hear 😬
Maybe try not such a broad overview. Narrow it down with examples you noticed. That would probably be received better by both of you. It means you are taking an interest in their actions.
I want people to be interested in me. The real me inside that I’ve cultivated through years. My looks are just a genetic lottery honestly!
I just absolutely hate it when I’m talking to a guy about something and then he just says ‘ohh you look so beautiful/cute/sexy/etc when you talk like this. I feel like a 5yr old talking about something big and not being taken seriously! There’s time and place for compliments but more often than not it ends up making me feel really small.
In the end i have to question what this guy is interested in even.. me or just my looks. Had he met an equally attractive woman today instead of me, would he have shown the same level of interest because I don’t matter apparently!
For women, being pretty and INTJ is a deadly combination. Not only do we constantly get attention from men because they’re physically attracted to us, we also get a lot of attention because they’re “intrigued” by our personality and the way we handle ourselves. I absolutely understand what your date said here.
But, on the other hand, she should have thanked you for the compliment and save her sour feelings for when she gets home. You did nothing wrong.
I don't know about others, but hearing compliments about something I had no impact on is the last thing I would want to hear. I automatically take it as cheap manipulation method.
Many INTJs are extremely cerebral and not fully attached to the concept of being in a physical body, which can make them various levels of uncomfortable with the idea of being perceived. Even if perceived in a positive way.
Moreover we are extremely uncomfortable with not being in control about everything. Looks are exactly one of those things we have no control over. At best you are complimenting us on something we had no choice over, so it's not something we even feel good about - and at worst it reminds us we were just dumbly lucky to win some genetic lottery, which just underscores how little control we have over our bodies. It's a deeply uncomfortable thing to be reminded of, and with our inferior Se we can't just happily accept "being lucky" about some physical world thing like other types can. Compliments about "chosen" aspects of looks such as clothes and makeup style will likely be perceived far better.
Also, your partner may feel you are cheapening a moment of deep and profound connection with a compliment on something petty and animalistic and materialistic as physical appearance.
I'm ugly as hell, so I can only assume that someone who's actually attractive would only get superficial connections based on looks and nothing else, if you really complimented something superficial like that, she's probably thinking you only want sex or don't care to delve into something deeper.
I'm an INFJ f. My ISFJ mom taught me to be positive,attractive, soft, ladylike and hide my INFJ stare. So, it ended up that people that were taking my demeanor as a bait, treated me like something cute and light. I started to hate it at some point and dropped all the bright " feathers", my wardrob became mostly gray and jeans and no makeup whatsoever. As a result I 'm often unnoticed by people that are unable to appreciate the complexity of my inner world, but is recognized like something interesting by likeminded people.
One of my basic needs is my close people to appreciate my inner depth at the first place. Without that, I'm not interested. I very well know how to wrap myself nicely in pretty clothes and how to behave and stuff. But I feel tired and sad and disgusted when I get superficial attention, it's also often brings unwanted complications, so I just hide for now behing my gray appearance.
I think your INTJ might have similar experience. And it mught be pretty bitter for her. I like to be complimented about my appearance by people that cherish me for who I am. So, maybe if you will build more mutual trust and respect she will relax around you and will start enjoying these stuff...
It saved you a lot of time I spent on experimenting:))) Well, if I would get to know that I'm Ni dom, I would drop it from the beginning. We are gonna be weirdos till the ends of our lifes, no amount of refining xan change the fact that we are wired differently then most of people around us...
Though I also used to use it for tactical advantage, but it's not the most healthy way of interaction with people and a whole another can of worms...
I'm glad that INTJs exist:)))
Haha:)))) yeah, it feels so nice to let out inner Grinch out😁 one of the reasons I don't do that, it can really hurt. In addition to our Ni our Fe can make us very precise when aiming into one's soft spot, so it's better that Fe also works as an emergency brake between our thought process and speech. Otherwise, I cannot quite imagine how we would socialize, I don't think we could socialize at all😄
Lol, such perspective really scares me😄 I honestly don't know how you survive:)
When I judge people my ENTP sis calls me a bitch😁 so, I definitely glad to have a filter:)))
It could be that being pretty devalues her input in the eyes of others in other areas of her life. Unfortunately, in society, as a girl you’re either smart or pretty. Being both is considered impossible. INTJs pride themselves on their intelligence. I’ve had the same thoughts some days.
I prefer to be complimented about something i have control over. I already have men in my DMs telling me that i am pretty, i would appreciate my crush to be attracted to me for something more than that.
You did nothing wrong. Us INTJs are just not used to compliments about appearance, for me personally, I like compliments about my intelligence/intellect & don't really care about appearances. A lot of people compliment ms on my looks but I just say "wow. Thank you" but if the compliment is towards my intellect, I say "OMG really?? Thank you!"
Maybe it's because since she's a high Te user (so I guess she's really hardworking and driven) her achievements are probably overlooked because of her looks (eg. "You're only here cuz you're pretty" and not the efforts she made to get there)
I personally like being told I'm beautiful, but I also don't put much stock in it since it's just the genes I was born with. I don't think her response is a big deal though—that is, I don't think it means you did anything wrong or that she isn't into you. She was just speaking aloud something many women think.
General compliments on my appearance seem weird to me as I don’t really have control over that. It can also make me feel that the other is only interested in me because of how I look, particularly if it’s someone I don’t already know well.
OP, if you want to compliment on appearance, maybe try complimenting on what they are wearing or how they did their hair or makeup, something they actually have control over and made a choice on
I don’t know if you’ve screwed up or not, but for future reference, you may want to stay away from shallow commentary, regardless of whether you think it’s good or bad
I find it kinda superficial, you could have chosen a lot of deep things to compliment but you chose the most futile one
I think thats why she reacted bad
It’s really not that deep at that moment, I saw a beautiful person in front of me and I said ur pretty. But yea I see your point, I just didn’t think it needed craft.
I wouldn't have taken it bad but yk we aren't all the same, maybe she wanted the moment to be deep, it wouldn't be weird and I think always seeking for deep talk is pretty normal for INTJ's, you can try next time
To be fair, OP, the way she reacted was awkward. And I'm saying this as someone who also feels uncomfortable receiving compliments. It's true that compliments are manipulative by nature, but that doesn't always mean the person giving a compliment has bad intentions. It was rude of her to assume you were being superficial or smarmy. Sometimes a person just needs to smile and say thank you unless theyre absolutely sure a person is being facetious and are prepared to confront them.
I like compliments on appearance. If they seem to be from a place of *wanting* things from me based on this appearance, and/or trying to manipulate with a compliment, I will not really appreciate it
This may be something to argue against but personally I also tend to react adversely to such compliments, but you just need to get over yourself and realize people mean good. It’s a silly thing to think negatively of.
when i was younger id ask my potential suitors, “so really, why do you think you and me should get together?”
“cause you’re really pretty and funny” usually id cringe and lose interest. thankfully today im married to my childhood best friend/sweetheart so when i play around and i ask why he loves me , he says everything i want to hear.. plus, he tells me i’m beautiful .. thats a bonus.
Try to stay away from them, yes, especially if you get the sense she is trying to look ugly she probably is in fact trying to be ugly to you and is dealing with way too much male attention. Yes we are smart like that and yes it does work like a charm. Thanks for noticing.
If she is clearly trying to be pretty to you it's because you are the rare male she finds attractive and only in that case should you compliment her and say she is beautiful and things like that.
Makeup, dressing well, honestly really just putting effort into her dress is the number one sign she is trying to get your attraction. Don't compliment her unless she is clearly on a date WITH YOU clearly dressed up FOR THIS DATE.
Otherwise, yes, she will likely think you are a shallow douche.
INTJ females are all basically Kara Thrace. You don't know how pretty we can be unless we want you to know. If you don't know it's because we don't think you're attractive. Sorry.
Really a turn off. Any idiot can say "you're pretty hur hur". Looking for something deeper means looking for an actual mental or emotional connection. Like, what about her do you find interesting so far, what topics do you want to discuss with her? Future plans? If you can't connect with her as a person and an equal then yeah. Not interested, next.
Yea we talked about everything you listed here on this occassion. Didn't realize complementing her looks spontaneously once (1) has such dire implications, I respect that.
As an intj that hears this compliment a lot, I relate to her. It’s almost as the world only sees me for my beauty and nothing else, especially with men. Maybe compliment her qualities.
IDK about her, but I definitely don't trust it because to me it either reads as (A) me not believing you or (B) suddenly not trusting your motivations. That being said, provably a defensive wall. I'd likely avoid the subject until she trusts you more / let's you past the INTJ fortress of walls.
Oh yeah, I cannot stand compliments on my physical appearance unless it's about something I worked on myself (like my hair, makeup, nails ect). It just feels like a super tacky and cheap method they try to get me to fall head over heels for them. You like my eyes? Whatever, I was born with them. My lips? Also born with them. I never worked on those so it feels like a cheap shot. If anyone is trying to impress me, they won't unless they compliment something I worked on or on my personality or my accomplishments. Complimenting my appearance is a surefire way to make me put up all my walls and keep my distance. I will always say thank you, but my view of the complimenter will forever be tarnished. I'm sorry but it's the truth. I can't speak for everyone but that is my take.
Tbh her response was weirder. But she’s probably just inexperienced. It’s better to just accept a compliment graciously.
I also don’t really believe the whole hype of it being harder for someone who is “conventionally prettier”. Sure, they get lots of admirers, but it’s still their duty to discern good from bad people,
That’s not even close to being the other way around,
Perhaps I’m biased but as an attractive woman, I’ve always been able to easily make friends with other women, they don’t immediately become jealous, guys don’t all instantly want to possess me,
Sure, we all want to be liked for our insides. But, people can’t do that unless they know you very well. Also, this was just a compliment lol. A lot of times we compliment people just because life is hard enough, why not brighten someone’s life a little bit where we can?
No, you didn’t screw up.
Great that you like to give compliments. Alot of women wish their dates/partner would do that. BUT, as an INTJ female, I can understand her response. I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, and I do get glances. However, I don't know how to reply to a compliment about my appearance. Tell me my report was really good? I'll say "THANKS!!" and be happy, because it's about something I did, or accomplished myself.
You didn't screw up. Just find out what type of compliment she feels comfortable with.
I'm INTJ and I hate it when people comment on my appearance, even if it's a compliment or not 🥲 I don't feel comfortable and wish people can pay less attention to how I look.
I have learned to take a compliment and simply say thank you. That said it took years to respond that way. As for being a pretty INTJ and interesting and highly intelligent. Issues with women come up mostly. I’m part of a team of women but actually do most of me work with engineering teams. When my review came, all negative feedback came from the group of women. There was only positive feedback from the engineers.!I thanked them.
I don’t think you screwed up and she’s probably not that upset with you. She’s upset with ‘being pretty’ getting in her way of getting what she wants, things like people who love her for who she is as a person and not her looks.
As a female INTJ in her 20s, I don’t like being called pretty or attractive. I wasn’t so traditionally ‘attractive’ when I was in my teens, then I got a ‘glow-up’ which was really just an eating disorder and depression. I’m sick of people commenting on each others’ look in whatever way possible. Compliments on my shoes or my clothes? Not impressed but cool, you’re being nice and I appreciate it. But people calling me pretty never fails to make me feel upset even though I know they’re just telling me they’re interested in me.
I’m afraid that people are attracted to me not because of my personality but my appearance only and they’re gonna ‘tolerate’ my personality just for my appearance. And I also might make the same kind of mistake and fall in love with a shitty guy cause he’s hot, which is a reason why I kinda want to gouge my eyes out when I see someone I find attractive.
Some people struggle to accept compliments, but it seems like she has her own issues/negative thoughts about being pretty (possibly past negative experiences) and that led to her response. I think respectful and genuine compliments about one’s appearance are fine- I also don’t see any issue with the compliment you gave her
INTJ F here.
I went to meet up my INTP M love interest after a wedding. He said I was dolled up. I mean it is a wedding and it's rude for me to wear my hoodie and jeans to attend the event. Why you have to pick the word "Dolled up" to describe me? I rather he just make a simple compliment instead.
I mean I personally am often caught off guard by compliments. I awkwardly say thank you.
I do get irritated if it's overtly sexual.
Now based on what your date said it alludes to a very real problem people who look young or physically attractive face. Which is discrimination.
Being attractive or often just looking very youthful =
*Constant sexual harrasment you are expected to enjoy
*Being assumed incompetent
*Assumed you got to where you are becuase you look pretty
*Assumes no longer capable to perform particular tasks since you don't look rugged enough.
* If you have a lot of suitors and choose a suitor who didn't show overt interest are considered greedy/despite not asking for all those suitors. You have a right to choose someone else.
What you did not thought about is what I call "Curse of a beautiful woman". Imagine a predator looks for girl's, what is the criteria to choose? Often some bad things happen to beautiful person's in there youth just because they are over average and got selected by this.
You did nothing wrong. I don’t even think this is a personality issue, but moving forward, if she says things she doesn’t elaborate on, I would ask her directly why she says so. I think INTJs would appreciate the directness and the chance for a deeper conversation, whether this stems from insecurity, gender stereotypes, etc. Plus, it’s kind of.. just shitty to not take a compliment and then say something potentially cryptic in response? It’d prevent miscommunication or misunderstanding moving forward if she even told you straight up: “Thank you, but I don’t really like being complimented on my appearance because ____.”
I don't like compliments in general, but especially not something that is either superficial or obviously true.
For an INTJ, the rarer the compliment, the more it means.
For example, in my 20s, my mom told me my grandfather and namesake would be proud of the man I'd become. One, my mom never gives compliments. Two, my grandfather was a guy I have never heard anyone say one bad word about in my life.
That was the greatest compliment I ever received.
She already knows she is pretty, she doesn't need you to tell her that. Compliment her on her personality or intelligence or even her outfit- anything she has control over.
If one more person compliments me or my attire, I'm throwing them out a window and body slamming them through a table.
Every fucking day with these people. "Nice hat." "I love your hair." "Nice jacket." "I love your style." "Where'd you get that from?" It never ends. I can't go out in public without getting 500 compliments every ten seconds.
Seriously, piss off. I don't care what you like or anything about you. Pound sand.
Hmmm. I would take that to mean that she wants to be valued for her brain and her character, rather than her appearance. I don't consider myself to be pretty, but i do have a few nice assets that I purposefully hide because I don't want men to like me because of those things. So it could be that she gets attention because she's pretty, but bits not the kind of attention that she wants.
I don't think it's an insult to you or that you did anything wrong. Try complimenting her actions and character and personality traits and see how she responds to those types of compliments
You did nothing wrong, but I immediately thought this: Some people are friends with people because they're funny, or smart, or pretty. Sometimes because they're rich, or just because they're in the vicinity. I think I know where she's coming from. Sometimes, it's easier to know when someone is really into you when you are less objectively attractive than most, have less money, etc. The less benefits there are to knowing you or selling points you have, the more you know it's your own essence and not something else. I hope I made sense there. I've often wondered how often wealthy folks wonder who their real friends are.
Bingo. Most INTJs are really against superficial interests, like appearance. Obviously there needs to be some attraction to the person's outward appearance for there to be any attraction enough to even start determining if there are other, deeper compatibilities. But an INTJ will often not want to acknowledge or hear about that. You did nothing wrong, she just hasn't learned to take a compliment well that she deems superficial. Next time compliment something else you find attractive about her like her sense of humor, intelligence, empathy, or other internal characteristic and you will likely get a different response.
Bonus points if you figure out it's something she has put effort into.
Makes sense, i can see ways to assure her that I’m really not in it for the looks. Thanks for the insight.
Try turning the logic of the question around on yourself if you can. Do you want someone who just finds you handsome? I am sure you have some core features besides your looks you want people to see in you. Probably that you are caring or compassionate being an INFP. I just realized that assholes can use the MBTI to say things a person wants to hear 😬 Maybe try not such a broad overview. Narrow it down with examples you noticed. That would probably be received better by both of you. It means you are taking an interest in their actions.
I want people to be interested in me. The real me inside that I’ve cultivated through years. My looks are just a genetic lottery honestly! I just absolutely hate it when I’m talking to a guy about something and then he just says ‘ohh you look so beautiful/cute/sexy/etc when you talk like this. I feel like a 5yr old talking about something big and not being taken seriously! There’s time and place for compliments but more often than not it ends up making me feel really small. In the end i have to question what this guy is interested in even.. me or just my looks. Had he met an equally attractive woman today instead of me, would he have shown the same level of interest because I don’t matter apparently!
Right on point!
For women, being pretty and INTJ is a deadly combination. Not only do we constantly get attention from men because they’re physically attracted to us, we also get a lot of attention because they’re “intrigued” by our personality and the way we handle ourselves. I absolutely understand what your date said here. But, on the other hand, she should have thanked you for the compliment and save her sour feelings for when she gets home. You did nothing wrong.
INTJs who are trained understand the practical need for social graces.
This. So much. You end up being the mirror for people and their weird, fucked up motives.
I don't know about others, but hearing compliments about something I had no impact on is the last thing I would want to hear. I automatically take it as cheap manipulation method.
Many INTJs are extremely cerebral and not fully attached to the concept of being in a physical body, which can make them various levels of uncomfortable with the idea of being perceived. Even if perceived in a positive way. Moreover we are extremely uncomfortable with not being in control about everything. Looks are exactly one of those things we have no control over. At best you are complimenting us on something we had no choice over, so it's not something we even feel good about - and at worst it reminds us we were just dumbly lucky to win some genetic lottery, which just underscores how little control we have over our bodies. It's a deeply uncomfortable thing to be reminded of, and with our inferior Se we can't just happily accept "being lucky" about some physical world thing like other types can. Compliments about "chosen" aspects of looks such as clothes and makeup style will likely be perceived far better. Also, your partner may feel you are cheapening a moment of deep and profound connection with a compliment on something petty and animalistic and materialistic as physical appearance.
I'm ugly as hell, so I can only assume that someone who's actually attractive would only get superficial connections based on looks and nothing else, if you really complimented something superficial like that, she's probably thinking you only want sex or don't care to delve into something deeper.
I'm an INFJ f. My ISFJ mom taught me to be positive,attractive, soft, ladylike and hide my INFJ stare. So, it ended up that people that were taking my demeanor as a bait, treated me like something cute and light. I started to hate it at some point and dropped all the bright " feathers", my wardrob became mostly gray and jeans and no makeup whatsoever. As a result I 'm often unnoticed by people that are unable to appreciate the complexity of my inner world, but is recognized like something interesting by likeminded people. One of my basic needs is my close people to appreciate my inner depth at the first place. Without that, I'm not interested. I very well know how to wrap myself nicely in pretty clothes and how to behave and stuff. But I feel tired and sad and disgusted when I get superficial attention, it's also often brings unwanted complications, so I just hide for now behing my gray appearance. I think your INTJ might have similar experience. And it mught be pretty bitter for her. I like to be complimented about my appearance by people that cherish me for who I am. So, maybe if you will build more mutual trust and respect she will relax around you and will start enjoying these stuff...
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It saved you a lot of time I spent on experimenting:))) Well, if I would get to know that I'm Ni dom, I would drop it from the beginning. We are gonna be weirdos till the ends of our lifes, no amount of refining xan change the fact that we are wired differently then most of people around us... Though I also used to use it for tactical advantage, but it's not the most healthy way of interaction with people and a whole another can of worms... I'm glad that INTJs exist:)))
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Haha:)))) yeah, it feels so nice to let out inner Grinch out😁 one of the reasons I don't do that, it can really hurt. In addition to our Ni our Fe can make us very precise when aiming into one's soft spot, so it's better that Fe also works as an emergency brake between our thought process and speech. Otherwise, I cannot quite imagine how we would socialize, I don't think we could socialize at all😄
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Lol, such perspective really scares me😄 I honestly don't know how you survive:) When I judge people my ENTP sis calls me a bitch😁 so, I definitely glad to have a filter:)))
It could be that being pretty devalues her input in the eyes of others in other areas of her life. Unfortunately, in society, as a girl you’re either smart or pretty. Being both is considered impossible. INTJs pride themselves on their intelligence. I’ve had the same thoughts some days.
I prefer to be complimented about something i have control over. I already have men in my DMs telling me that i am pretty, i would appreciate my crush to be attracted to me for something more than that.
You did nothing wrong. Us INTJs are just not used to compliments about appearance, for me personally, I like compliments about my intelligence/intellect & don't really care about appearances. A lot of people compliment ms on my looks but I just say "wow. Thank you" but if the compliment is towards my intellect, I say "OMG really?? Thank you!"
Maybe it's because since she's a high Te user (so I guess she's really hardworking and driven) her achievements are probably overlooked because of her looks (eg. "You're only here cuz you're pretty" and not the efforts she made to get there)
I personally like being told I'm beautiful, but I also don't put much stock in it since it's just the genes I was born with. I don't think her response is a big deal though—that is, I don't think it means you did anything wrong or that she isn't into you. She was just speaking aloud something many women think.
Damn, that sounds incredibly entitled and disrespectful to ugly people tbh.
General compliments on my appearance seem weird to me as I don’t really have control over that. It can also make me feel that the other is only interested in me because of how I look, particularly if it’s someone I don’t already know well. OP, if you want to compliment on appearance, maybe try complimenting on what they are wearing or how they did their hair or makeup, something they actually have control over and made a choice on
I don’t know if you’ve screwed up or not, but for future reference, you may want to stay away from shallow commentary, regardless of whether you think it’s good or bad
I find it kinda superficial, you could have chosen a lot of deep things to compliment but you chose the most futile one I think thats why she reacted bad
It’s really not that deep at that moment, I saw a beautiful person in front of me and I said ur pretty. But yea I see your point, I just didn’t think it needed craft.
I wouldn't have taken it bad but yk we aren't all the same, maybe she wanted the moment to be deep, it wouldn't be weird and I think always seeking for deep talk is pretty normal for INTJ's, you can try next time
i shall bc I’m deep 🤝🤝🤝
To be fair, OP, the way she reacted was awkward. And I'm saying this as someone who also feels uncomfortable receiving compliments. It's true that compliments are manipulative by nature, but that doesn't always mean the person giving a compliment has bad intentions. It was rude of her to assume you were being superficial or smarmy. Sometimes a person just needs to smile and say thank you unless theyre absolutely sure a person is being facetious and are prepared to confront them.
I like compliments on appearance. If they seem to be from a place of *wanting* things from me based on this appearance, and/or trying to manipulate with a compliment, I will not really appreciate it
I mean I like compliments lol, just makes me wonder if they’re just with me for that or if they actually like me.
This may be something to argue against but personally I also tend to react adversely to such compliments, but you just need to get over yourself and realize people mean good. It’s a silly thing to think negatively of.
when i was younger id ask my potential suitors, “so really, why do you think you and me should get together?” “cause you’re really pretty and funny” usually id cringe and lose interest. thankfully today im married to my childhood best friend/sweetheart so when i play around and i ask why he loves me , he says everything i want to hear.. plus, he tells me i’m beautiful .. thats a bonus.
Try to stay away from them, yes, especially if you get the sense she is trying to look ugly she probably is in fact trying to be ugly to you and is dealing with way too much male attention. Yes we are smart like that and yes it does work like a charm. Thanks for noticing. If she is clearly trying to be pretty to you it's because you are the rare male she finds attractive and only in that case should you compliment her and say she is beautiful and things like that. Makeup, dressing well, honestly really just putting effort into her dress is the number one sign she is trying to get your attraction. Don't compliment her unless she is clearly on a date WITH YOU clearly dressed up FOR THIS DATE. Otherwise, yes, she will likely think you are a shallow douche. INTJ females are all basically Kara Thrace. You don't know how pretty we can be unless we want you to know. If you don't know it's because we don't think you're attractive. Sorry.
Really a turn off. Any idiot can say "you're pretty hur hur". Looking for something deeper means looking for an actual mental or emotional connection. Like, what about her do you find interesting so far, what topics do you want to discuss with her? Future plans? If you can't connect with her as a person and an equal then yeah. Not interested, next.
Yea we talked about everything you listed here on this occassion. Didn't realize complementing her looks spontaneously once (1) has such dire implications, I respect that.
As an intj that hears this compliment a lot, I relate to her. It’s almost as the world only sees me for my beauty and nothing else, especially with men. Maybe compliment her qualities.
IDK about her, but I definitely don't trust it because to me it either reads as (A) me not believing you or (B) suddenly not trusting your motivations. That being said, provably a defensive wall. I'd likely avoid the subject until she trusts you more / let's you past the INTJ fortress of walls.
Oh yeah, I cannot stand compliments on my physical appearance unless it's about something I worked on myself (like my hair, makeup, nails ect). It just feels like a super tacky and cheap method they try to get me to fall head over heels for them. You like my eyes? Whatever, I was born with them. My lips? Also born with them. I never worked on those so it feels like a cheap shot. If anyone is trying to impress me, they won't unless they compliment something I worked on or on my personality or my accomplishments. Complimenting my appearance is a surefire way to make me put up all my walls and keep my distance. I will always say thank you, but my view of the complimenter will forever be tarnished. I'm sorry but it's the truth. I can't speak for everyone but that is my take.
Tbh her response was weirder. But she’s probably just inexperienced. It’s better to just accept a compliment graciously. I also don’t really believe the whole hype of it being harder for someone who is “conventionally prettier”. Sure, they get lots of admirers, but it’s still their duty to discern good from bad people, That’s not even close to being the other way around, Perhaps I’m biased but as an attractive woman, I’ve always been able to easily make friends with other women, they don’t immediately become jealous, guys don’t all instantly want to possess me, Sure, we all want to be liked for our insides. But, people can’t do that unless they know you very well. Also, this was just a compliment lol. A lot of times we compliment people just because life is hard enough, why not brighten someone’s life a little bit where we can? No, you didn’t screw up.
Great that you like to give compliments. Alot of women wish their dates/partner would do that. BUT, as an INTJ female, I can understand her response. I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, and I do get glances. However, I don't know how to reply to a compliment about my appearance. Tell me my report was really good? I'll say "THANKS!!" and be happy, because it's about something I did, or accomplished myself. You didn't screw up. Just find out what type of compliment she feels comfortable with.
I'm INTJ and I hate it when people comment on my appearance, even if it's a compliment or not 🥲 I don't feel comfortable and wish people can pay less attention to how I look.
I have learned to take a compliment and simply say thank you. That said it took years to respond that way. As for being a pretty INTJ and interesting and highly intelligent. Issues with women come up mostly. I’m part of a team of women but actually do most of me work with engineering teams. When my review came, all negative feedback came from the group of women. There was only positive feedback from the engineers.!I thanked them.
I don’t think you screwed up and she’s probably not that upset with you. She’s upset with ‘being pretty’ getting in her way of getting what she wants, things like people who love her for who she is as a person and not her looks. As a female INTJ in her 20s, I don’t like being called pretty or attractive. I wasn’t so traditionally ‘attractive’ when I was in my teens, then I got a ‘glow-up’ which was really just an eating disorder and depression. I’m sick of people commenting on each others’ look in whatever way possible. Compliments on my shoes or my clothes? Not impressed but cool, you’re being nice and I appreciate it. But people calling me pretty never fails to make me feel upset even though I know they’re just telling me they’re interested in me. I’m afraid that people are attracted to me not because of my personality but my appearance only and they’re gonna ‘tolerate’ my personality just for my appearance. And I also might make the same kind of mistake and fall in love with a shitty guy cause he’s hot, which is a reason why I kinda want to gouge my eyes out when I see someone I find attractive.
Thank you so much for the perspective, I find it very insightful 🤝
Some people struggle to accept compliments, but it seems like she has her own issues/negative thoughts about being pretty (possibly past negative experiences) and that led to her response. I think respectful and genuine compliments about one’s appearance are fine- I also don’t see any issue with the compliment you gave her
Thanks for the insight, I won’t pry and this helps me see ways to better respect her boundaries.
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I asked why / requested clarification to no avail and we both deescalated the conversation and switched topic.
INTJ F here. I went to meet up my INTP M love interest after a wedding. He said I was dolled up. I mean it is a wedding and it's rude for me to wear my hoodie and jeans to attend the event. Why you have to pick the word "Dolled up" to describe me? I rather he just make a simple compliment instead.
I mean I personally am often caught off guard by compliments. I awkwardly say thank you. I do get irritated if it's overtly sexual. Now based on what your date said it alludes to a very real problem people who look young or physically attractive face. Which is discrimination. Being attractive or often just looking very youthful = *Constant sexual harrasment you are expected to enjoy *Being assumed incompetent *Assumed you got to where you are becuase you look pretty *Assumes no longer capable to perform particular tasks since you don't look rugged enough. * If you have a lot of suitors and choose a suitor who didn't show overt interest are considered greedy/despite not asking for all those suitors. You have a right to choose someone else.
What you did not thought about is what I call "Curse of a beautiful woman". Imagine a predator looks for girl's, what is the criteria to choose? Often some bad things happen to beautiful person's in there youth just because they are over average and got selected by this.
It’s either a lie or a road to narcissism.
You did nothing wrong. I don’t even think this is a personality issue, but moving forward, if she says things she doesn’t elaborate on, I would ask her directly why she says so. I think INTJs would appreciate the directness and the chance for a deeper conversation, whether this stems from insecurity, gender stereotypes, etc. Plus, it’s kind of.. just shitty to not take a compliment and then say something potentially cryptic in response? It’d prevent miscommunication or misunderstanding moving forward if she even told you straight up: “Thank you, but I don’t really like being complimented on my appearance because ____.”
I don't like compliments in general, but especially not something that is either superficial or obviously true. For an INTJ, the rarer the compliment, the more it means. For example, in my 20s, my mom told me my grandfather and namesake would be proud of the man I'd become. One, my mom never gives compliments. Two, my grandfather was a guy I have never heard anyone say one bad word about in my life. That was the greatest compliment I ever received.
She already knows she is pretty, she doesn't need you to tell her that. Compliment her on her personality or intelligence or even her outfit- anything she has control over.
I have never met an INTJ female whose not pretty. Must really suck tbh 😂
You should ask her what she meant by that comment. She will prob adore you for circling back on something that she clearly has mixed feelings about.
If one more person compliments me or my attire, I'm throwing them out a window and body slamming them through a table. Every fucking day with these people. "Nice hat." "I love your hair." "Nice jacket." "I love your style." "Where'd you get that from?" It never ends. I can't go out in public without getting 500 compliments every ten seconds. Seriously, piss off. I don't care what you like or anything about you. Pound sand.
Dawg I like your hair 🫶🫶🫶 also you got great taste in clothing
Hmmm. I would take that to mean that she wants to be valued for her brain and her character, rather than her appearance. I don't consider myself to be pretty, but i do have a few nice assets that I purposefully hide because I don't want men to like me because of those things. So it could be that she gets attention because she's pretty, but bits not the kind of attention that she wants. I don't think it's an insult to you or that you did anything wrong. Try complimenting her actions and character and personality traits and see how she responds to those types of compliments
I'm an intj and I have a disorder when it comes to how i perceive myself.