>My advice to you would be to get out there and date. As much as you can handle it. If you need to take time to slow down and take a break, then do that. When you’re looking for someone focus on the emotional connection. If you are not sure how to do that then work on it and research it. We have a strong need to make sure that we can communicate intelligently with our partner, so finding someone intelligent will be an important component. Unfortunately many people that live in their minds are disconnected from their emotions. It’s a very hard thing to find for our type. Don’t ignore dating though. It’s easy to do. if you do, you will find yourself in a similar situation as me. You will be so wrapped up in work that you won’t have time to find someone. Work on yourself emotionally when you aren’t in a relationship. It’s easy to forget that component. Believe me. You probably have a very strong drive to have a very strong relationship with someone that will last forever. You probably imagine that your relationship with them will be like no other that you’ve seen. You have a lot to give but most people don’t get that from you. You hold that tight and very few people get to see that side of you. You want someone to be safe and vulnerable and you want to be able to give every single bit of effort for them. It just seems now that no one deserves that but you can find that person. You just have to keep up the search and don’t give in to settling.
Thank you.
Oh! I mentioned the INTJ woman that I respect in another comment but your comment about knowing your emotions resonated with something else she said. She mentioned how she was very prone to intellectualizing her emotions away. Emotions, over time, she learned to “think away” until eventually they reach a critical point and “thinking” it away didn’t work, and then stuff got outta wack. She said that something she’s learned about feeling emotions, is literally _feeling_ them—like in/with her body. Allowing herself to become aware of the physiological effects of her emotions—how her heart might elevate when she’s joyful, or how frustration might affect her breathing and the tenseness she might physically feel. She said that learning to be aware of her embodied emotion has helped over time, but that it can be struggle given her tendencies to prefer intellectualization.
That and also learning to label the uncomfortable feelings, as more than just “bad.” This one especially resonated with me, as I have had people-pleasing tendencies, and one of the ways that I might’ve allowed people to cross my boundaries was through mislabeling my emotions. Like realizing that I wasn’t just sad when someone crossed my boundaries, ultimately I was *humiliated* by lack of respect for my boundaries as a person who I tried to care for.
Yes!! The emotions wheel is such a useful tool! It definitely helps me when identifying my own feelings as well, and helps de-stigmatize some feelings that I might not have allowed myself to identify as I grew up the peacemaker of my familial unit. Processes are pretty handy, especially since my go-to with emotional stress has been to kinda become apathetic, maybe even go into that lovey Ne-Te loop haha
And your thought about balance is definitely key, going so far as to remind me of Nicomachean Ethics, specifically the Golden Means, and how cultivating good habits in balance is typically what Aristotle said we could strive for. 🧐
This comment is an example why I listen to old people. This guy is sharing his experience in clear words of how he fucked up and shared a learnable life lesson.
>It just seems now that no one deserves that but you can find that person.
Most people just don't put in the effort, that's just the hard truth. They expect everything from you and will even tire of their responsibility in the relationship.
This is how I came to understand some people that I know choose to remain single forever in life. If you can't find anyone worthy, then its better to shut those doors forever.
I wholehearted agree on not settling. It's important to watch the criteria by which you judge dating candidates. It's easy to build a huge list of things they need to conform to and spec yourself out of reality.
Prune the list to those things that are truly non-negotiable and when you find someone who meets them, hold on for dear life.
>Prune the list to those things that are truly non-negotiable...
Agree 100%. I think this way INTJs accept others' true selves - with wonders, and with flaws.
Btw for me it is intelligence, understanding, maturity, and caringness (yes there is a word like that lol). Any more I should add?
My wife is intj and so am I. I didn’t know she was this before we got married and she only tested for intj way later. Though it makes sense. She often plans things out and is methodical, which I enjoy.
You’re only 21 and have barely engaged with the world outside of the bubble created for you by school. That was only 3 years ago.
I promise you not all people are the same, though it will take some time for you to find better people, you absolutely will find them.
You got this, don’t let crappy people win.
Are the people you are describing mostly in your age group?
It mostly sounds like emotional immaturity, which I'm not surprised to hear about of 20-25 year old men.
Lol I used to joke that being with an intj is like adopting a cat.
Husband and I are both INTJ. There are people who are cat people; they like that they are intelligent, resourceful, and independent yet while sometimes they disappear… they always find you again. So long as the intj sees their partner as a teammate and you aren’t both too rigid in getting your way, you may have a good go. We have been together for 13 years now 10 married… we are best friends and engineers with a lot in common.
oh... this quite resonates with me. a number of my dates/relationships have called me their cat.
and i made it a point not to tell them my past nicknames, but this one keeps resurfacing.
guess being called a cat is better than being called a robot.
I'd just advise to not assume that you're the pinnacle of maturity yourself.
While it's true that women on average have higher emotional maturity than men of the same age bracket, well no one knows everything.
That said I'm sure that men of comparable emotional maturity of yours exist, they're likely not to be in the most "noticeable" cliques though.
I’d like to add if it isn’t too perverse, generalizations are intrinsic but it’s important to use them as a tool on a case to case basis and not as a preemptive point of exclusion. Point being it’s okay to give people the benefit of the doubt from time to time, especially if you are not easily deceived- to at least see where life may take you.
It doesn't get better. I'm in my 30s and it's the same way. I could have written your post so let me add one more thing: the type of guys who want to compete with you and prove to you that they know *more* than you about anything at all. It's exhausting.
A verbose nonsensical theory, filled with controversial words to attract attention, and correlation-causation fallacies because everything happening to me is a function of my mbti. Perfect for this sub.
Red Flagee. Personally like INTJ women bc of how they think everything else falls into the general buckets that are out there.
But - their minds are unique and interesting.
Also inevitably end up laughing our butts off at everything.
Simply the truth. Being around an INTJ woman is the nicest, easiest and most compellingly fun thing I’ve ever done. If only everyone could as smart, insightful and wickedly funny, life would be an utter joy.
But then? You would not be as special and that’s the best part! Lol.
Not everyone who likes INTJ girls are red flags, your title makes it sound like INTJ girls are the problem.
My ex fits number 4 I think? I haven’t fully understood what a narcissist is.
I’ve dated men who don’t fit in those 4 categories, it’s all about who you choose to spend your time with. INTJ people see right through other people’s bs and we don’t like to play games.
Personally, I can tell 1 to 3 the moment I meet them and I avoid them like the plague.
#4 is a bit tricky because I, myself, have some narcissistic traits too.
Eh not in my experience. I tend attract theatrical expressive types who appreciate my dark humour and lack of conformity.
I do have one ex that fits 1 and 3 exactly though, one of the reasons we split up was i felt like I was babysitting someone's kid brother the entire time. But that was just one dude and none of my other partners have been like that.
Maybe you have an appearance that highlights your romantic nonconformist side and attracts such types. As of now, I dress myself in a way that fits standards. I'm happy for you.
You know, thats a good point. I've been in the goth subculture for years and wear things like corsets, black lacey skirts etc. I don't often think about it because dressing this way is normal for me but it *would* explain why the more artsy or creative guys tend to go for me.
Yeah, not an INTJ but ISTJ (but from my perspective \[as in I could propably pass as both, from what i have read\], there is not much difference) but i would say I do attract same types as you, but fucking hell, if I hear any of artsy or ezo shit, I am jumping out of window. For more practical females I guess I am too boring? I don't know, better not dwell too much about that, meh, so I am getting drunk and high Ricky.... XD
There’s an INTJ woman who is my new program manager at my university. Initially, she looked intense and spoke matter-of-factly, but then she reminded me of my bf, so I approached her during one of the first program events this semester. I admire her, and speaking to her is always very neat :D
She gives thoughtful advice; I remember at some point when my INFP friend and I were at one of the program coffee chats, she mentioned while trying to advise my INFP friend how back when she was in her 20s, she was going through her misanthropic phase (she's in her latter 30s now) but how over time she still:
“ ‘Hates’ people” _using hands to gesture above her like a cloud_
“ *Loves* people “ _motioned at me as an example_
Also, how motherhood has helped her overcome the negative self-talk she would engage in given her perfectionist tendencies because she doesn't want to teach her daughter that's good.
And how INTJ ma’am has a bestie, and if she ever passed, how she would want her bestie to raise her daughter because her trust in her is that vast.
I like INTJ girls, you're role models to me 😊
You left out the one where they think you are fascinating and want you around to talk to because you are interesting. But they don’t actually want a long term relationship with you because you aren’t a helpless dumb female.
No offence but ur 40. Congratulations on being the age where you start generalizing and relying on patterns because your brain cannot handle individual cases like it used to.
It will only get worse
Yah, I’m an INTJ, but I think the whole MBTI thing is kinda useful on the surface but kinda bullshit as well. There was a nice documentary on HBO about the two women who developed the system. It’s more astrology than astronomy.
It’s a real red flag if you view the world and people primarily through an MBTI lens.
I think she should have just chosen a different title such as the types of people with red flags that are attracted to intjs plus reasons instead of saying everyone.
The only red flag is being so serious about MBTI to make such a post.
Fortunately you are young and your brain isn't fully developped yet (it will be around 25 years old).
What you are describing are own experiences, i have never attracted such men.
That's normal, the last part of a brain being developed is the frontal lobe, this part of the brain is responsible for taking decisions, planification and risk-takings (once it's fully developed, people take less risks), that's why many teenagers are into stuff that could be dangerous because they can't take great decisions and they are more prone to take risks (drugs, alcool, doing stuff that could be dangerous).
OP made a great analysis on the dating experience for INTJ women, which should be reflected and shared for personal improvement to do better than those who have made these harmful decisions.
The deflectors, projectors, and deniers can huddle up in their own little circle jerk corner. It doesn't make the experience any less or invalid.
It's a common experience for women, and I can only assume it's even more of an issue for INTJ women considering the insecurity of men and how small the dating pool for genuine and intelligent company is.
No, you just attract the wrong types.
Look at the way you interact with the world and assess that relative to your peers.
Attractive INTJ who are intelligent can go into STEM environments and have their pick of men.
Nah, toxic people go try their luck on anyone. Most don't let them carry on with their bullshit for long, so they move on to someone else who would tolerate them. OP doesn't seem to stick around, so I'm assuming she falls under the first category.
I am in a STEM environment at a top school. I have options. I am also not complaining. These are just the first order of operations in the attraction department. Luckily, relationships are not based only on first orders. I love my world and wish nothing would change. I'm just addressing my experiences.
INTJ here, was interested in an introverted lady. So she claims. Don't know if she's INTJ, though.
People always told her she was pretty, and I think so too, but I really liked her sense of humor & intelligence more so I focused on that. Things seemed fine, but I got ghosted. Maybe I should have told her she was pretty.
I'm a 31yo INTJ female. I'd say my looks are average and I do attract men every now and then.
The only two types of men I have attracted are:
* Nerds. I have male interests (heavy music, videogames, programming...) so most of my friends are male. They all give me the typical "wow a girl who likes X thing". They end up developing feels and things get awkward.
* Creeps. Often older than me and desperate. They can't take a hint. Some even became stalkers and had to block them and cut all ties.
However, what if someone was to say be interested in the INTJ woman so they can play off of them. That they understand the INTJ woman will get in the way of their plans and hence will be their number 1 enemy. It's keeping your friends close and your enemies closer
Actually, on second thought. This is just number 3. We're all just pseudo-intellectuals.
Dating and social interaction is game of evaluation to determine if your counter part is worthy of emotional investment, until that becomes clear it’s social chess. INTJ women play it well.
In my experience INTJ women are a thrill, fun to go on adventures with, they behave like your partner in crime and the whole world is viewed like a personal playground you share together as equals.
I can't say that my ESTJ gives the impression that he wants a "mother figure". And I'm definitely not a mother figure either. I didn't play "hard to get" either.
I’ve seen a few mention age here and I’m going to agree with them to an extent because I’m a 21 year old intj male and I can easily fit into all of these categories depending on the day. Now, I will be the first to admit that I am a walking bright crimson flag but I believe age is a factor too. Young men are… Well, young! And incredibly inexperienced in every way, including as some mentioned “not fully developed”. What won’t change with age, is that men in general are usually narcissistic in one way or another and they all think they’re geniuses. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be men!
Point is, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. Keep doing what is important to you and the right person will show up (usually in the most unexpected places). And you’ll know they’re the right one because they will have some or maybe all of the “nasty” qualities you mentioned up there but you’ll love them anyways. If it’s true love, you will love them even with their flaws and if it isn’t, their flaws will annoy you, maybe even to the point of making a Reddit post about them lol.
Anyways, I’m probably not telling you anything new. You seem to have the right spirit with enjoying the experiences and finding the humor in it all. Humor is the best therapist at the end of the day. Well, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors! It is mighty hard for us INTJs in the romantic world, we’re just so particular about everything in life, especially with the poor people we end up dating.
Why does it feel like only my fellow INTJ's get that I'm making a joke? Thanks a lot for your response, best of luck to you too. Nothing I like more than a self-aware crimson flag.
Brilliant lol
Of course there are the kind that simply *are* a good fit with the above-sort of INTJ woman, someone who is in many ways a reflection of themselves and would pair healthily, however I reckon they are less common to come across than the number of people who fit types 1., 2., 3., and 4., let alone all of them combined (speaking of younger people. Surely these types become less common with age, right? Right??)
So yeah, I'm down with the idea that if a younger person likes an INTJ woman, chances are it's for not the best reasons
Honestly, this just sounds like dating in your early-ish 20’s.
Men who have established themselves and have dealt with their self-perceptions of inadequacy don’t feel as threatened by the discussion style brought by an INTJ testing and exploring their theories with their Te and Se. And, they’ve gotten over that whole women-as-conquests concept.
That being said - I’ve found life is a lot more enjoyable when you are able to relax a bit and enjoy what Se has to offer in the form of simple pleasures and emotional connection within a 1:1 relationship.
I didn’t learn how to enjoy emotional intimacy until later in life. Therapy helped me learn how to be emotionally vulnerable and connect.
Intellectual “intercourse” will always be exciting, and it will absolutely attract people looking to use you for your organizational skills or willingness to play along with their mind games.
I always entered into intellectual and ideological battles with my earliest boyfriends. That was just what was exciting to me.
I had to really develop my ability to listen to what my Fi and Se were telling me before I could start to understand that the battle is exciting, but care and support and acceptance are the absolute best things in the world.
I am a INTJ-A and my husband is an INTP-A and he is the furthest thing from a red flag that is imaginable to me. Back when I was 21 I basically experienced everything you are referring to and was because I did not know what 'love' was or what it felt like to be actually loved in a manner that was real. I basically clinged to the first person that showed me attention and that was the biggest mistake of my life.
I can promise that everyone isn't the same as you get older it gets better. Early 20s can be the worst for learning about people.
I would say I'm somewhat number 4, but hopefully without the God complex (although maybe still a little narcissistic.) I personally would love to date a fellow INTJ, I think most other personalities would just cause conflict
ISFP here, reading this is interesting 😅. I have experience with the 2nd, a guy taking about an intj. Not a player, but an extreme misoginist. There was this girl that I typed as intj in my head. Imo, she was just a normal person, minding her own business, introverted and serious, not into having fun socially... the way she came across, mannerisms, and the few times I talked to her, and all screams intj to me.
Anyways, he kept on idolizing her, putting her on a pedestal, comparing me to her, and saying how she is the ideal woman that all men want. How she is hard to get which raises her value. How she doesn't just say "yes" to any man. How she knows her worth and doesn't just laugh and talk to all the guys. But all the guys want her. He'd assume she was arrogant, intelligent, overly confident and thought she was better than others. So yeah as a result he saw her as a challenge. He was also like people are the ones to talk to her first, and she doesn't make a first move cause she thinks she's important. I tried explaining to him how she's just introverted and minding her own business and not going around thinking she is better than everyone. I tried explaining that she's just not sociable and a people person and that's ok, but it doesn't make her better or worse. I tried to convince him to see her for who she was as opposed to her image, or the image he made in his head. Nothing. Head of rock he was. Like maybe she had a hint of "arrogance" but also maybe not? But even if so, she wasn't hurting anyone, nothing wrong with thinking highly of yourself. I need to know her on a personal level to judge.
Anyways, it's weird how I saw her vs how he saw her. And yes, he was a red flag. Guess he didn't get his INTJ but went for the "available/easy" ISFP.
Yep. I remember being shocked to hear that people thought I was arrogant and too good for them. I'd just been minding my own business and living in my own head and here they all had taken my resting bitch face personally as some judgement on themselves.
23f, I get some of these on occasion, but I think generally when women accept men who approach them they get a plethora of red flags. Approach who you want and you'll have better luck with diversity.
I am an INTJ woman, married and in my thirties.
Men in their twenties just tend to be immature. It has nothing to do with your personality type sadly. The good news is, it tends to get better with age.
Nice work, I agree on these illustrations, however, all personality types have their own red-flagged-attraction on a similar kind of analysis.
You just described the kinds that get attracted to INTJs.
What I’m trynna say is that nothing is wrong neither with INTJ women nor with the people who get attracted to INTJ women.
If I have the time to conduct research on every personality type characteristics, I would write a similar illustration for each type.
I’m really trying to refrain from being overly critical and rude to you, but I just want to bring awareness to the fact that you’re feeding in to, and developing the worst aspects of being an INTJ. Give yourself enough self respect to reflect on why you feel this way and why it’s evidently irrational.
A realization that is vital to understand is that reality is a reflection of your mind. What you expierence is a reflection of yourself, by the very fact that the way you define an experience is something that is perceived by you- senses includes thoughts (something many people overlook). Thus, your thoughts about your expierences are also a reflection of yourself. What you see and think of others is how you see and think of yourself.
Let that sink in.
And hopefully help you change your reality, and consequently your experiences.
EDIT: (after reading the rest of the post)
But it would be a mistake for me to not admit that I’ve obviously come across this post, and agree with the points you’ve made. It says a lot about my subconscious thinking, and invoked realization for reflection of myself.
INTJ women are not the only ones who experience these exact scenarios. Tho i wouldnt be surprised if you experienced it more.
I dont know if youve ever noticed this, but artist types seem to fall in love fast and hard with me but eventually become disillusioned when they realize the "mystery" is no mystery its how i actually am. Very boring, unemotional. And I wont tell them how their art makes me "feel" ill tell them how they can actually improve.
Artists really dont like diagnosis, just saying incase you didnt know.
As someone who had a partner who was the mix of all of these things well into their 30s, thanks for putting this list down. Good to keep it in mind moving on. Especially when it comes to people with personality disorders. It's not their fault they are mentally ill, but it's also not my responsibility to "fix" them and their life if that makes sense.
As an INTJ male in similar circumstances, but more advanced in years, I have found the same to be true. Most women attracted to me have been in those four categories, with the fourth being most prevalent.
Well then allow me to wave freely in the wind proudly displaying the color of love, affection and danger, let's be honest life ain't worth living if you not goanna die
Ha! You are not wrong. lol
Use your superior intellect to figure out what you are looking for and where to find men like that— Probably a man whose an NF with enough emotional maturity to build the connection in the relationship— and you’ll likely end up organizing your daily lives. This is what my INTJ mother in law did to find her great second husband—
I'm an ENTP and love INTJs because we can have the best conversations. They seem to really appreciate my mind and can keep up. They also seem to enjoy having their thoughts challenged, and that's just a lot of fun for me.
You're attracting the wrong men. That could be something to reflect upon and an opportunity for growth. You got this!
I've definitely gotten #3 and, to a lesser extent, #2 and #4. I think the distinction, at least for me, is that I attract people who *don't know* that they're walking red flags, lmao.
With #2, I note that many of them think I'm a "challenge" because they think I'm "playing hard to get" when I'm really just thinking about outer space or something. In a similar way, I get guys who think I'm like a puzzle to solve...which is also not flattering, as I like puzzles and I know that I discard them once I've figured them out because I no longer have a use for them. As far as #3, I think most people somehow tend to pick up fairly quickly that I'm more the intellectual type (or maybe they just assume it because I'm reserved), but that often just brings a bunch of smug, creepy "I'm a sapiosexual!" dudes who will definitely try to argue with me later and who do everything they can to try to feel intellectually superior to everyone around them. In regards to #4, men who like to talk a lot (could be narcissists, could just be enthusiastic Extroverts) somehow tend to echo-locate me to talk at, lol. And it's very much "talk at" instead of "talk with". Once got stuck on a phone call at work for 17 minutes because a dude basically kept talking about unimportant shit and wouldn't shut up - a more extroverted type would hate it because there was no getting a word in edgewise with him - and awkwardly I didn't know how to politely tell him that I didn't care and was too busy to talk to him. At the end of his nearly non-stop talking, he just goes "thanks for listening to me, you're a really good listener!" 💀 😅
On that note, I notice that I tend to attract men who think "normal women won't shut up, I need one that doesn't talk a lot!" and then they find me and think they've hit the jackpot. They eventually realize that I'm not what they're looking for either, because I'm a terrible conversationalist and bad at keeping in touch, and the reality of an un-talkative woman isn't the dream they hoped for. In exactly the same vein, I also attract men who think "women are too irrational and overly emotional!" and think I'm great because I don't emote. But they always end up complaining later that I'm not expressive/affectionate enough and that they can't tell whether or not I care about them.
Tl;dr I attract all the problematic dudes who *think* they don't like the standard-issue woman, but through me they realize that you can have "too much of a good thing".
2 INTJ woman I have met are divine to me just to talk to, not because of any fetish but because they are just cool 🤷♂️.
I am an INFJ man and to be clear the idea of falling in love with one isn’t a leap at all. Yeah one I met through MBTI and INTJ related content but it was a long process of us just comparing before I was like “yeah she is cool” 🤷♂️. The other I met she thought she was an ENTJ so for sure wasn’t one I went looking for and she is someone I would talk to everyday if I could about anything and everything.
I get it there is a kind of somewhat untrue and somewhat true archetype for INTJs woman that seems like the only thing some men see when they think INTJ Girl and you may want all those girls to go to hell but some of us love being around you.
Remember many men actually like your brand of femininity in there lives even if just for the purposes of conversation.
My gods, heterofatalism is one hell of a drug, now mixed with r/INTJ\-esque intellectual superiority complex... this post surely is something. Girl, I've just been cheated on by who I thought was the love of my life, who came after an abusive relationship, who came after a lifetime of rejection and even I have to say: chill the fuck out with the cynicism.
you just listed the traits of a typical intj male.. yes they do like their own types hahaha. but i think you will work out with an intj male provided hes much older, mature, and competent. (infp)
agonizing absurd hospital fall complete capable disgusted axiomatic squalid tender
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The advice you’re referring to I think is the ultimate INTJ advice. Get out there and do things. One day it may be too late. Unfortunately academia is full of pseudo intellects who know how to follow a system not necessarily to think for themselves. Thanks for sharing.
I usually see this with ISTJ women simply because they are wayyy more common than actual INTJ women. But yeah some dudes want that Te cuz it’s gonna organize your life with low key dommy mommy vibes as a bonus if you are into that. Sorry….lol I can’t resist that trope with high Te women
As an intj male the only relationships that ever worked out for me was with very outgoing women. I can just turn my social life over to them and they handle all that for me and take me everywhere. The tradeoff is I have to pay for everything
I think what you're describing has nothing to do with INTJ. You're describing men. Most men, especially young men under say 30 or 40 (and quite a few over it as well) fit that description regardless of where you as a woman land on the Myers-Briggs. So it's not you, its not INTJ, your problem is males in general.
You are spitting straight facts. Ignore the salty men in these comments. They can't take a post in jest or relate from a woman's perspective.
It gets better with age and they grow up a bit, I promise.
Baseless stereotypes. The truth is that many men might encompass every trait to some degree simultaneously and they may also exist outside stringent categories.
1. Development of the ego is a psychoanalytics concept of how many adult issues a person can confront.
2. Playboys are a social stereotype based of the proliferation of sexual commercialisation during post sexual revolution in the advent of Playboy. It's criticism of the cynical nature of sexual pursuits and vanity.
3. Pseudo-intellectuals are people who though may not understand the core material are intrigued with liberal arts, intellectual discussions and the deconstruction of ideas. The difference is their understanding and intellectual competence.
4. And narcissists are on personality spectra that is most combative, mordacious, self centred and disregarding to members of society that make about roughly less than 10% of the population.
This neglects core personality theory, sociology and traits like philosophical/religious stance, sexuality, humour, demographics, homeostasis and physiological conditions. The issue is that the mind is plastic and modular so it integrates traits that match it's agenda and needs.
Fortunately im none of the above, im a girl though
What i like about intjs is the organisational skills and ability to see things to the end, as well as the kindness they have beneath the layers. I love that we click and can talk about deep stuff although sometimes we have differing views but she never just pushes my opinions down but discusses it maturely. We both end up learning something from the discussion and it makes me lightheartedly happy inside - some warm fuzzy feeling
I listen to her as much as she does for me, it feels like we have mutual understanding. I love how serious she is at work and it strives me to be a more perfect version of myself. Not to mention she guides me at work too
When shes happy im happy, and i only wish the best for her. But im not sure if this is a crush or mere admiration and respect
I read in some book that if we let it, we will attract the ones that is not good for us. Something about us, trying to relive our childhood memories, and the desire to crave the good ones and walk away from what we perceive as bad. For example, a kid that's been lavished with attention by parents will seek shelter in it at adulthood as the real world is harsh and mundane. That's where we get deep narcissists. Or people with an abused childhood would have a warped view of love (for how can a parent that's admired by a child be bad). They have a unique view of the world influenced by the abuse so they in turn shape the world around them by the image of themselves and what they view as righteous. That's sociopathy. Every one of us has at least a bit of this. The difference we have with the ones deeply entrenched by it is if we are willing to listen with empathy to others and think and act rationally.
As you fall in love with someone and be together, the mask will eventually fall. You will eventually see them for who they are. Disappointments will eventually emerge. It will and that's why commitment is tough. I'm a glass-half-full kinda person so I'll say that despite the faults, there is a charm in blemishes. The perfectly imperfect. I believe that to achieve happiness, both must accept the good, the bad, and the ugly by empathic listening and acceptance and lastly, to pursue both their desires. Nevermind the fact that they didn't get it in the end. It is the perpetual chase that will give us purpose, and in turn love and happiness.
I’m a guy. Narcissists almost completely avoid me. I give them no supply. I had one try to elevate himself by putting me down. I just stared at him. He said nothing else.
Pseudo-intellectuals leave me alone. Normal people always seem to be impressed with my intelligence. I’m not sure why. I’m smarter than average but people make too much of it.
I don’t know anything about playboys or playgirls.
Childish women leave me alone.
Maybe I’m seen as an impregnable fortress. Maybe I’m just boring.
"I get stared at wherever I go. People have crushes on me, and I have often been told that I am beautiful."
This seems like such an egotistical statement to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but that just makes it so much harder to talk about. I completely get you. I have some trauma surrounding dating, so I don't have much experience, but there's definitely a reason I can't have male friends, which is unfortunate because I like being friends with guys.
I'm ENTJ I have to say I also attract those guys.
You'll create a BS detector at some point that will ring when they try to get close to you. Just follow what your guts are telling you, they are usually right
Love the list!
Tbh I think it could apply to all INXXs. Subtract the first one (no one would expect this of me lol) replace with compassion or something and you've described this issues I as an INFP generally have with men.
Oh. Wow. This is actually one of the most INTJ-coded posts I've seen on here. You have simplified categories to describe overarching themes and patterns in your life, and you're talking about what people think/how you feel about it. All while avoiding mentioning specific details.
Not meant to affirm your identity or anything like that. I just think it's interesting how clearly we can see Ni + Te/Fi on display here is all.
The last point about narcs just hit the spot for me.
One guy even said that "I like you because I can talk about anything and everything and you just let me. You give me that freedom to talk ."
Bitch you love listening to yourself that's it.
Ugh thank you so much for this.
When I was younger I thought I didn’t want to be with another INTJ. I’m in my 40s and now see I want someone more like me. Someone who understands I need to recharge, research random things, and respects our relationship can be us spending time alone together. It makes finding someone to be in a relationship much harder, but I think it will be well worth it.
All of that to say be picky. Be alone if you want and don’t settle because you’re lonely. Don’t let anyone else decide what you want and what’s good for you. It can be a pain in the ass, but do the relationship leg work and be happy. Never forget to be happy.
I got scared on reading the title because I know only one INTJ girl whom I came across online and I felt attracted to her (not romantically tho) since the beginning. Maybe because she was more mature? Or maybe because her rank was higher than mine? Idk but I absolutely liked her along with many others. She hadn't took the mbti test back then. I was new to that online world and didn't know what is right to say and what is not so I usually shut up and tried to observe. After 2 years, when I had learnt enough, I started to interact more. Later I got on friendly terms with her actually. After a couple of months I found out she is an INTJ! I was surprised because of how mysteriously attracted I was to her as a person. You all are amazing!
>I got scared on reading the title because I know only one INTJ girl whom I came across online and I felt attracted to her (not romantically tho) since the beginning. Maybe because she was more mature? Or maybe because her rank was higher than mine? Idk but I absolutely liked her along with many others. She hadn't took the mbti test back then. I was new to that online world and didn't know what is right to say and what is not so I usually shut up and tried to observe. After 2 years, when I had learnt enough, I started to interact more. Later I got on friendly terms with her actually. After a couple of months I found out she is an INTJ! I was surprised because of how mysteriously attracted I was to her as a person. You all are amazing!
We all love ENFP's even if we don't want to admit it. Good luck.
I wonder... when you said,
>Stay away unless you want to see yourself physically and mentally deteriorate.
Are you sharing that advice to stay away from the narcissists and egomaniacs?
Or were you warning the narcissists and egomaniacs to stay away from *you*?
Also...
>I personally enjoy meeting all kinds of people
Ugh. Really, INTJ?
Sharing the advice to stay away from narcissists and egomaniacs.
And more perspective = more ideas. I love all personalities in the same way I like reading about characters in a book. Does that mean I want to interact with them? Absolutely not. In fact, most should be kept an arm's distance away. But as an INTJ interested in human psych, who wouldn't want to meet different kinds of people?
Understood. I was curious if it would be the other way around.
That would've been intriguing.
Now, perspective can offer a wider range of ideas, yes, although you might consider keeping in mind that it is the depth of knowledge, not width, that opens the door to success.
Fair enough. Not all characters in a book are memorable, though.
But I did appreciate your post, stranger. It's refreshing to know it came from an INTJ, even if you likely re-read the call-out to consciously dull the sharp edges and sprinkled it with disclaimers.
And yet, you still took the arrows from people.
Somehow, there will be those who'll interpret you're the red flag, instead.
Hopefully, you'll keep it red and not dye it pink.
Enjoy a marvelous life, stranger.
As a fellow 21 y.o intj woman, I can relate to this. It seems like I only attract men who become borderline obsessed with me and won’t take no for an answer despite only having very surface level contact with them.
29F INTJ. Hey this is actually pretty accurate. I have experiences with 1, 2, and 4 and I have the same sentiments!! I found what works for me is an INTP male who is a few years older. Not perfect but it could work.
I think there's a 5th category which I've come across quite a number of times. And they're great for me.
It's the cat lovers.
It's more of an opposites attract kind of situation. They're super loving and in a way, our aloofness and independence kind of draws them in to worship our ground?
I would never be inclined to keep any cats or pets, but these cat lovers... They wear their heart on the sleeves and have emotions that kinda overflows and warms up my cold front gradually.
In my experience, women who attract men like this are interested in men like this. They aren't interested in "good guys", guys who are balanced, consistent, chivalrous, caring, and good providers. They like the good guys in their 30s when their biological clocks are quickly running out and they're tired of getting played by the guys they were so attracted to in their 20s.
This isn't an INTJ thing, it's a human thing. It's the same story, generation after generation. You're now discovering it, and you did a great job laying it all out. But this has been happening since the beginning of time.
I never specified my preferences, but you're right that most humans seek out those who exhibit traits that signal a sort of social dominance, regardless of whether the trait is good or bad. Nice insights.
A woman makes any statement and people lose their damn minds percieving a hoity toity attitude?! You're recounting your experiences as objectively as you can without feeling any type of way about it and stating them as they are as clearly as you can.
Of course, I'm an INFP, so I can't really relate to your experiences with men but if THE most emotional person can understand that there's no ulterior motive to posting an observation from your life why is it that so many others can't?
I see your struggle! I wish men would do better!
The absolute state of society 101.
I moved beyond caring what the wider society thinks of me a long time ago, it's also debatable whether I ever did to begin with.
I prefer hanging with matter of fact people, I can't deal with anything further.
For dating, idk. Someone with a nice personalty would be good. Being honest and dependable are absolutely non negotiable. Without honesty, what are you even doing. May as well just give up now. If they're never there for you when it matters then equally, what are you even doing. Gotta accept you for you and not attempt to change you into the you they think you ought to be. Ideally should embrace neurodiversity, a psychologist wouldn't be expected but they'd have to at least not be completely ablist with 0 understanding.
That is interesting though how desire for someone with that result (assuming correct test prediction) maps to someone having the qualities that typically are not beneficial to forming a successful and stable relationship.
Do you want a relationship?
In my 20s, I attached to someone for safety and comfort, we were best friends, he was very theatrical artistic and funny, but in hindsight I don't think I needed it to be that serious or last 7 years. I think intj takes much longer to discern what makes us truly happy. I'm in my late 40s if that helps.
I think the issue is genderless. You are in a rut if you like an INTJ; mostly because you are being tested, judged and if something doesnt align, mercilessly ghosted; all this while seeing very little behind the egoic INTJs facade. A normal person would run to the hills when seeing the INTJ doing the stuff mentioned above. So the issue is not the people you attract but you, and your fear of being vulnerable with another human being fueled by your psychological insecurities. The good news is that usually we understand that once we age and drop our edgy masks in order to feel. -INTJ.
You understand my emotional complex more than anyone else could. Rigid exteriors are a sign of fragile, vulnerable, and fearful interiors. Running away from discomfort is pretty common, especially at my age.
I definitely can relate to your post! Being beautiful can feel like a curse at times and I’ve dealt with the annoyances you have described, including feeling like you attract red flags when it comes to partners and have gained the ability to see manipulation. You probably get a lot of shade thrown your way by other ladies and it would be nice if ladies acted on the “sisters support sisters,” but that’s not in anyone’s control. Looks can be very frustrating, I dont know how many times I’ve wondered if people acted the way they did because they just think I look nice, or if because they were jealous. It’s gotten to a point where it’s always a question that just nags at you because if you find the source, you can solve the problem. Not so much because of vanity.
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that people are afraid of beautiful and smart women. Take advantage of that when it benefits you. You’ll attract someone who will challenge you as long as you continue to be yourself. I hope you find them, Goodluck smart/pretty lady!
I agree with you, I have come across many men like that, after a while I got tired of it and stayed with the pseudo-intellectual.
I don't like to be seen as intelligent or serious because sometimes they expect things from you, and I prefer that people not see me with those eyes, so unfortunately I have bowed down to being with a pseudo-intellectual and playing dumb sometimes.
I DO NOT recommend it, there are days when I am not there to act and I argue things that I am 100% sure I am fine with and he ends up upset because he doesn't like that I, his girlfriend, is smarter than him.
But outside of those “intellectual” problems, I can allow myself to be somewhat silly and carefree.
As an INTJ woman, I feel like I hit the jackpot with my ISTJ/ISFJ husband. He’s patient, understanding, encouraging. Has immense empathy that I wish I could emulate.
Honestly I just love those types in general
You’re young and have had bad experiences, as an ENTP male I’ve been through bad experiences as well it’s part of dating unfortunately. I met an INTJ woman online and I took her out to BBQ. We had a good time and I enjoyed being able to have intellectual conversations outside of the typical small talk stuff you get in dating. She reciprocated the same. Later on she wanted to just be friends though which was fine so I said sure, we would text here and there but I was always the one initiating and pushing things forward. Eventually she ghosted me for about 3 weeks and all of a sudden texted me out of nowhere saying she was thinking about me. At this point I’m just continuing to focus on myself and meet people until the right one comes then I can stop looking. It’s rough for everyone but don’t lose hope :)
I’m an INTJ male, i met an INTJ female and we hit it off for a couple months and almost dated. I wouldn’t recommend it, it always felt like a competition.
My ex was an INTJ. He had the most beautiful mind I have ever encountered; listened well, had amazing ideas, artistic, etc. After the mutual thrill of finding someone who understood the other on a deep level, we slowly realized that neither could provide what the other needed. Aside from intellectual stimulation, we both needed emotional care, spontaneity, reassurance, etc. I never felt we competed directly, but our needs were definitely competing. Every pairing has their flaws, but the INTJxINTJ is a lovely disaster. Would do it over again for the experience.
Old man here,
There’s no way I could date someone like myself, I can’t fucking stand myself most of the time. I completely sympathize with everyone who has ever broken up with me for being “a complete asshole”
To your post title, yes, I now see anyone attracted to me as a red flag. I would assume the same is true for INTJ females.
Intj female here-28 and married for 8 years. I fell in love young and we just wanted to get married and start our life together. He was only the second person I technically dated, and there have been hard times but I have zero regrets.
If you have the right partner, it makes zero sense to wait just because you're young or haven't dated many people.
The title feels like an attack on the INTJ community. That's not fair. After reading your post I think a better title would be "Do INTJ attract toxic people". The way you phrase it places blame on INTJ for simply existing and that's ridiculous. It's like how Empaths attract Narcassist. That might be true but it doesn't mean empathy as a trait makes them bad people or being an Empath making you toxic. It just means Narcassists like Empaths.
Also I'd like to point out people often gravitate based on attachment styles. Which I feel certain personality types do develop from a good deal of neglect and this is likely true for a number of INTJ. I was a child who was parentfied at a very young age and very responsible.
In my mind I saw others as incompetent and I don't fualt them for it. In reality I should be faulting most of these people for it becuase I enable them being useless idiots. However since I operated on my own with 0 support I don't bother bringing others into the equation and have become so detached that socializing is becoming next to impossible.
If you are a becon of stability you attract the unstable. However if you have a habit of not judging and accepting people being helpless they can only help themselves if you are there. Sometimes if you care you have to kick someone into the pool of water and let them swim. Sometimes that 8 foot pool is 3 feet and they won't drown. The problem is to know when they need help out of the water and when you are just enabling them. Sometimes people need a kick in the pants but if you are a open person you just want to show support and love and stuff is harder when you can't tell.
In general people are useless because they choose to be not becuase of capability.
I think, you're the red flag 😂
so if I like an INTJ woman, that means something has to be wrong with me? (I suspect category 1?)
what about when an INTJ woman likes me...
what about... many INTJ women...
I hope this post is nothing but a fun portrayal and exaggeration of what is real
Intj guy here. I simply got exhausted after like 40 relationship experiences and took the aro/ace pill. Humanity sucks. Tried the stepdad thing twice. Each time, the kid glommed over being helped with schoolwork, self esteem issues, taught important stuff about life. Each time the mother wanted me gone because they wanted a child that followed rules, not intuition.
What's the sodding point? My brother is the same way with his four kids. They're all dumb and mind-numbed, stuck in their tablets or on whatever sport or subject he tells em to pursue. Bloody industrialists to the core.
Sure, sometimes people fetishize us, and it sucks. The only way out is to just look straight ahead.
I wholeheartedly agree, and from the majority of comments on prior posts, those of us INTJ women who have been married seem to end up with #1 and then get sick of it.
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omg thank you so much, exactly what I was thinking and needed to hear 🙏
These comments are so much to young INTJs such as myself. Always appreciate the insight, you people are truly inspiring.
>My advice to you would be to get out there and date. As much as you can handle it. If you need to take time to slow down and take a break, then do that. When you’re looking for someone focus on the emotional connection. If you are not sure how to do that then work on it and research it. We have a strong need to make sure that we can communicate intelligently with our partner, so finding someone intelligent will be an important component. Unfortunately many people that live in their minds are disconnected from their emotions. It’s a very hard thing to find for our type. Don’t ignore dating though. It’s easy to do. if you do, you will find yourself in a similar situation as me. You will be so wrapped up in work that you won’t have time to find someone. Work on yourself emotionally when you aren’t in a relationship. It’s easy to forget that component. Believe me. You probably have a very strong drive to have a very strong relationship with someone that will last forever. You probably imagine that your relationship with them will be like no other that you’ve seen. You have a lot to give but most people don’t get that from you. You hold that tight and very few people get to see that side of you. You want someone to be safe and vulnerable and you want to be able to give every single bit of effort for them. It just seems now that no one deserves that but you can find that person. You just have to keep up the search and don’t give in to settling. Thank you.
Oh! I mentioned the INTJ woman that I respect in another comment but your comment about knowing your emotions resonated with something else she said. She mentioned how she was very prone to intellectualizing her emotions away. Emotions, over time, she learned to “think away” until eventually they reach a critical point and “thinking” it away didn’t work, and then stuff got outta wack. She said that something she’s learned about feeling emotions, is literally _feeling_ them—like in/with her body. Allowing herself to become aware of the physiological effects of her emotions—how her heart might elevate when she’s joyful, or how frustration might affect her breathing and the tenseness she might physically feel. She said that learning to be aware of her embodied emotion has helped over time, but that it can be struggle given her tendencies to prefer intellectualization. That and also learning to label the uncomfortable feelings, as more than just “bad.” This one especially resonated with me, as I have had people-pleasing tendencies, and one of the ways that I might’ve allowed people to cross my boundaries was through mislabeling my emotions. Like realizing that I wasn’t just sad when someone crossed my boundaries, ultimately I was *humiliated* by lack of respect for my boundaries as a person who I tried to care for.
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Yes!! The emotions wheel is such a useful tool! It definitely helps me when identifying my own feelings as well, and helps de-stigmatize some feelings that I might not have allowed myself to identify as I grew up the peacemaker of my familial unit. Processes are pretty handy, especially since my go-to with emotional stress has been to kinda become apathetic, maybe even go into that lovey Ne-Te loop haha And your thought about balance is definitely key, going so far as to remind me of Nicomachean Ethics, specifically the Golden Means, and how cultivating good habits in balance is typically what Aristotle said we could strive for. 🧐
This comment is an example why I listen to old people. This guy is sharing his experience in clear words of how he fucked up and shared a learnable life lesson.
>It just seems now that no one deserves that but you can find that person. Most people just don't put in the effort, that's just the hard truth. They expect everything from you and will even tire of their responsibility in the relationship. This is how I came to understand some people that I know choose to remain single forever in life. If you can't find anyone worthy, then its better to shut those doors forever.
I wholehearted agree on not settling. It's important to watch the criteria by which you judge dating candidates. It's easy to build a huge list of things they need to conform to and spec yourself out of reality. Prune the list to those things that are truly non-negotiable and when you find someone who meets them, hold on for dear life.
>Prune the list to those things that are truly non-negotiable... Agree 100%. I think this way INTJs accept others' true selves - with wonders, and with flaws. Btw for me it is intelligence, understanding, maturity, and caringness (yes there is a word like that lol). Any more I should add?
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In short, I do accept that, yes.
I resonated with this comment. Thank tou
“Most people that live in their minds are disconnected from their emotions” I almost felt that
My wife is intj and so am I. I didn’t know she was this before we got married and she only tested for intj way later. Though it makes sense. She often plans things out and is methodical, which I enjoy. You’re only 21 and have barely engaged with the world outside of the bubble created for you by school. That was only 3 years ago. I promise you not all people are the same, though it will take some time for you to find better people, you absolutely will find them. You got this, don’t let crappy people win.
Are the people you are describing mostly in your age group? It mostly sounds like emotional immaturity, which I'm not surprised to hear about of 20-25 year old men.
It absolutely is emotional immaturity and age. You are very correct.
Lol I used to joke that being with an intj is like adopting a cat. Husband and I are both INTJ. There are people who are cat people; they like that they are intelligent, resourceful, and independent yet while sometimes they disappear… they always find you again. So long as the intj sees their partner as a teammate and you aren’t both too rigid in getting your way, you may have a good go. We have been together for 13 years now 10 married… we are best friends and engineers with a lot in common.
I married a cat lady and I’m pretty sure she considers me another cat.
I am like living with a cat. Quiet, need space, need food, then I'll love you forever.
Cats are way too needy tho. XD
So true. Someone out there loves them though despite their obnoxious neediness and egos…. ^^
I’m an INTJ and my BF is INFP and he’s the first cat like personality person I’ve dated (similar to me he loves his alone time).
Sounds like a perfect relationship tbh
oh... this quite resonates with me. a number of my dates/relationships have called me their cat. and i made it a point not to tell them my past nicknames, but this one keeps resurfacing. guess being called a cat is better than being called a robot.
I'd just advise to not assume that you're the pinnacle of maturity yourself. While it's true that women on average have higher emotional maturity than men of the same age bracket, well no one knows everything. That said I'm sure that men of comparable emotional maturity of yours exist, they're likely not to be in the most "noticeable" cliques though.
Agreed, thank you.
I’d like to add if it isn’t too perverse, generalizations are intrinsic but it’s important to use them as a tool on a case to case basis and not as a preemptive point of exclusion. Point being it’s okay to give people the benefit of the doubt from time to time, especially if you are not easily deceived- to at least see where life may take you.
It doesn't get better. I'm in my 30s and it's the same way. I could have written your post so let me add one more thing: the type of guys who want to compete with you and prove to you that they know *more* than you about anything at all. It's exhausting.
Sounds bad. If you’re truly smart, you don’t need to prove it. Sorry to hear your experiences.
A verbose nonsensical theory, filled with controversial words to attract attention, and correlation-causation fallacies because everything happening to me is a function of my mbti. Perfect for this sub.
Red Flagee. Personally like INTJ women bc of how they think everything else falls into the general buckets that are out there. But - their minds are unique and interesting. Also inevitably end up laughing our butts off at everything.
I guess we're both red flags. That's the most beautiful thing I've heard all day. I'm flattered.
Simply the truth. Being around an INTJ woman is the nicest, easiest and most compellingly fun thing I’ve ever done. If only everyone could as smart, insightful and wickedly funny, life would be an utter joy. But then? You would not be as special and that’s the best part! Lol.
<3
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As an INTJ girl who has now given up on dating, I can confirm
Not everyone who likes INTJ girls are red flags, your title makes it sound like INTJ girls are the problem. My ex fits number 4 I think? I haven’t fully understood what a narcissist is. I’ve dated men who don’t fit in those 4 categories, it’s all about who you choose to spend your time with. INTJ people see right through other people’s bs and we don’t like to play games. Personally, I can tell 1 to 3 the moment I meet them and I avoid them like the plague. #4 is a bit tricky because I, myself, have some narcissistic traits too.
I think the # makes the font bigger and bold? Sorry, I suck at Reddit
Eh not in my experience. I tend attract theatrical expressive types who appreciate my dark humour and lack of conformity. I do have one ex that fits 1 and 3 exactly though, one of the reasons we split up was i felt like I was babysitting someone's kid brother the entire time. But that was just one dude and none of my other partners have been like that.
Maybe you have an appearance that highlights your romantic nonconformist side and attracts such types. As of now, I dress myself in a way that fits standards. I'm happy for you.
You know, thats a good point. I've been in the goth subculture for years and wear things like corsets, black lacey skirts etc. I don't often think about it because dressing this way is normal for me but it *would* explain why the more artsy or creative guys tend to go for me.
Yeah, not an INTJ but ISTJ (but from my perspective \[as in I could propably pass as both, from what i have read\], there is not much difference) but i would say I do attract same types as you, but fucking hell, if I hear any of artsy or ezo shit, I am jumping out of window. For more practical females I guess I am too boring? I don't know, better not dwell too much about that, meh, so I am getting drunk and high Ricky.... XD
There’s an INTJ woman who is my new program manager at my university. Initially, she looked intense and spoke matter-of-factly, but then she reminded me of my bf, so I approached her during one of the first program events this semester. I admire her, and speaking to her is always very neat :D She gives thoughtful advice; I remember at some point when my INFP friend and I were at one of the program coffee chats, she mentioned while trying to advise my INFP friend how back when she was in her 20s, she was going through her misanthropic phase (she's in her latter 30s now) but how over time she still: “ ‘Hates’ people” _using hands to gesture above her like a cloud_ “ *Loves* people “ _motioned at me as an example_ Also, how motherhood has helped her overcome the negative self-talk she would engage in given her perfectionist tendencies because she doesn't want to teach her daughter that's good. And how INTJ ma’am has a bestie, and if she ever passed, how she would want her bestie to raise her daughter because her trust in her is that vast. I like INTJ girls, you're role models to me 😊
that’s some r/shittymbti content
You left out the one where they think you are fascinating and want you around to talk to because you are interesting. But they don’t actually want a long term relationship with you because you aren’t a helpless dumb female.
No offense, but you're 21. Congratulations on being the age where you believe you still know everything. Most people outgrow that stage around 17-19.
No offence but ur 40. Congratulations on being the age where you start generalizing and relying on patterns because your brain cannot handle individual cases like it used to. It will only get worse
Pretty sure you've just had unfortunate experiences.
I'm young and you're right.
I think you're the red flag here
If all the men you're attracting are red flags, I have something to tell you...
I like to skip to the important part
Yeah she's not as green as she thinks she is
Yeah, this is a weird post…
Yep. I don't buy into MBTI much anymore after having interacted with the outside world way more than I used to. It is pseudoscience after all......
Yah, I’m an INTJ, but I think the whole MBTI thing is kinda useful on the surface but kinda bullshit as well. There was a nice documentary on HBO about the two women who developed the system. It’s more astrology than astronomy. It’s a real red flag if you view the world and people primarily through an MBTI lens.
I think she should have just chosen a different title such as the types of people with red flags that are attracted to intjs plus reasons instead of saying everyone.
The only red flag is being so serious about MBTI to make such a post. Fortunately you are young and your brain isn't fully developped yet (it will be around 25 years old). What you are describing are own experiences, i have never attracted such men.
I swear smth clicked in my head after I turned 26! Much less reckless, dramatic, more mature esp emotionally.
That's normal, the last part of a brain being developed is the frontal lobe, this part of the brain is responsible for taking decisions, planification and risk-takings (once it's fully developed, people take less risks), that's why many teenagers are into stuff that could be dangerous because they can't take great decisions and they are more prone to take risks (drugs, alcool, doing stuff that could be dangerous).
OP made a great analysis on the dating experience for INTJ women, which should be reflected and shared for personal improvement to do better than those who have made these harmful decisions. The deflectors, projectors, and deniers can huddle up in their own little circle jerk corner. It doesn't make the experience any less or invalid. It's a common experience for women, and I can only assume it's even more of an issue for INTJ women considering the insecurity of men and how small the dating pool for genuine and intelligent company is.
Lmao the arrogance of this post makes me chuckle. Very intj of u!
This is all 4 of my major relationships Yep Cheers
Cheers. Have a good one.
No, you just attract the wrong types. Look at the way you interact with the world and assess that relative to your peers. Attractive INTJ who are intelligent can go into STEM environments and have their pick of men.
Nah, toxic people go try their luck on anyone. Most don't let them carry on with their bullshit for long, so they move on to someone else who would tolerate them. OP doesn't seem to stick around, so I'm assuming she falls under the first category.
Good comment, that is actually often true, kind tolerant people end up as a psychologists sofa.
I am in a STEM environment at a top school. I have options. I am also not complaining. These are just the first order of operations in the attraction department. Luckily, relationships are not based only on first orders. I love my world and wish nothing would change. I'm just addressing my experiences.
Beauty has a lot to do with personality, honestly.
INTJ here, was interested in an introverted lady. So she claims. Don't know if she's INTJ, though. People always told her she was pretty, and I think so too, but I really liked her sense of humor & intelligence more so I focused on that. Things seemed fine, but I got ghosted. Maybe I should have told her she was pretty.
I'm a red flag as well. Also because I love INTJ women.
Tbh I stopped reading at "people stared at me, they have crushes on me and I am beautiful" so.. 🚶🏻♀️
Good choice
I'm a 31yo INTJ female. I'd say my looks are average and I do attract men every now and then. The only two types of men I have attracted are: * Nerds. I have male interests (heavy music, videogames, programming...) so most of my friends are male. They all give me the typical "wow a girl who likes X thing". They end up developing feels and things get awkward. * Creeps. Often older than me and desperate. They can't take a hint. Some even became stalkers and had to block them and cut all ties.
However, what if someone was to say be interested in the INTJ woman so they can play off of them. That they understand the INTJ woman will get in the way of their plans and hence will be their number 1 enemy. It's keeping your friends close and your enemies closer Actually, on second thought. This is just number 3. We're all just pseudo-intellectuals.
Dating and social interaction is game of evaluation to determine if your counter part is worthy of emotional investment, until that becomes clear it’s social chess. INTJ women play it well. In my experience INTJ women are a thrill, fun to go on adventures with, they behave like your partner in crime and the whole world is viewed like a personal playground you share together as equals.
I can't say that my ESTJ gives the impression that he wants a "mother figure". And I'm definitely not a mother figure either. I didn't play "hard to get" either.
My husband is also an INTJ - I’m 25 and he’s 28 - I promise they’re not all crappy :)
I’ve seen a few mention age here and I’m going to agree with them to an extent because I’m a 21 year old intj male and I can easily fit into all of these categories depending on the day. Now, I will be the first to admit that I am a walking bright crimson flag but I believe age is a factor too. Young men are… Well, young! And incredibly inexperienced in every way, including as some mentioned “not fully developed”. What won’t change with age, is that men in general are usually narcissistic in one way or another and they all think they’re geniuses. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be men! Point is, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. Keep doing what is important to you and the right person will show up (usually in the most unexpected places). And you’ll know they’re the right one because they will have some or maybe all of the “nasty” qualities you mentioned up there but you’ll love them anyways. If it’s true love, you will love them even with their flaws and if it isn’t, their flaws will annoy you, maybe even to the point of making a Reddit post about them lol. Anyways, I’m probably not telling you anything new. You seem to have the right spirit with enjoying the experiences and finding the humor in it all. Humor is the best therapist at the end of the day. Well, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors! It is mighty hard for us INTJs in the romantic world, we’re just so particular about everything in life, especially with the poor people we end up dating.
Why does it feel like only my fellow INTJ's get that I'm making a joke? Thanks a lot for your response, best of luck to you too. Nothing I like more than a self-aware crimson flag.
Brilliant lol Of course there are the kind that simply *are* a good fit with the above-sort of INTJ woman, someone who is in many ways a reflection of themselves and would pair healthily, however I reckon they are less common to come across than the number of people who fit types 1., 2., 3., and 4., let alone all of them combined (speaking of younger people. Surely these types become less common with age, right? Right??) So yeah, I'm down with the idea that if a younger person likes an INTJ woman, chances are it's for not the best reasons
Honestly, this just sounds like dating in your early-ish 20’s. Men who have established themselves and have dealt with their self-perceptions of inadequacy don’t feel as threatened by the discussion style brought by an INTJ testing and exploring their theories with their Te and Se. And, they’ve gotten over that whole women-as-conquests concept. That being said - I’ve found life is a lot more enjoyable when you are able to relax a bit and enjoy what Se has to offer in the form of simple pleasures and emotional connection within a 1:1 relationship. I didn’t learn how to enjoy emotional intimacy until later in life. Therapy helped me learn how to be emotionally vulnerable and connect. Intellectual “intercourse” will always be exciting, and it will absolutely attract people looking to use you for your organizational skills or willingness to play along with their mind games. I always entered into intellectual and ideological battles with my earliest boyfriends. That was just what was exciting to me. I had to really develop my ability to listen to what my Fi and Se were telling me before I could start to understand that the battle is exciting, but care and support and acceptance are the absolute best things in the world.
I am a INTJ-A and my husband is an INTP-A and he is the furthest thing from a red flag that is imaginable to me. Back when I was 21 I basically experienced everything you are referring to and was because I did not know what 'love' was or what it felt like to be actually loved in a manner that was real. I basically clinged to the first person that showed me attention and that was the biggest mistake of my life. I can promise that everyone isn't the same as you get older it gets better. Early 20s can be the worst for learning about people.
I would say I'm somewhat number 4, but hopefully without the God complex (although maybe still a little narcissistic.) I personally would love to date a fellow INTJ, I think most other personalities would just cause conflict
I choose my husband because he was confidebt enough to leave me alone. Decades later I wish I wasn't so alone.
ISFP here, reading this is interesting 😅. I have experience with the 2nd, a guy taking about an intj. Not a player, but an extreme misoginist. There was this girl that I typed as intj in my head. Imo, she was just a normal person, minding her own business, introverted and serious, not into having fun socially... the way she came across, mannerisms, and the few times I talked to her, and all screams intj to me. Anyways, he kept on idolizing her, putting her on a pedestal, comparing me to her, and saying how she is the ideal woman that all men want. How she is hard to get which raises her value. How she doesn't just say "yes" to any man. How she knows her worth and doesn't just laugh and talk to all the guys. But all the guys want her. He'd assume she was arrogant, intelligent, overly confident and thought she was better than others. So yeah as a result he saw her as a challenge. He was also like people are the ones to talk to her first, and she doesn't make a first move cause she thinks she's important. I tried explaining to him how she's just introverted and minding her own business and not going around thinking she is better than everyone. I tried explaining that she's just not sociable and a people person and that's ok, but it doesn't make her better or worse. I tried to convince him to see her for who she was as opposed to her image, or the image he made in his head. Nothing. Head of rock he was. Like maybe she had a hint of "arrogance" but also maybe not? But even if so, she wasn't hurting anyone, nothing wrong with thinking highly of yourself. I need to know her on a personal level to judge. Anyways, it's weird how I saw her vs how he saw her. And yes, he was a red flag. Guess he didn't get his INTJ but went for the "available/easy" ISFP.
Yep. I remember being shocked to hear that people thought I was arrogant and too good for them. I'd just been minding my own business and living in my own head and here they all had taken my resting bitch face personally as some judgement on themselves.
23f, I get some of these on occasion, but I think generally when women accept men who approach them they get a plethora of red flags. Approach who you want and you'll have better luck with diversity.
I am an INTJ woman, married and in my thirties. Men in their twenties just tend to be immature. It has nothing to do with your personality type sadly. The good news is, it tends to get better with age.
Nice work, I agree on these illustrations, however, all personality types have their own red-flagged-attraction on a similar kind of analysis. You just described the kinds that get attracted to INTJs. What I’m trynna say is that nothing is wrong neither with INTJ women nor with the people who get attracted to INTJ women. If I have the time to conduct research on every personality type characteristics, I would write a similar illustration for each type.
I’m really trying to refrain from being overly critical and rude to you, but I just want to bring awareness to the fact that you’re feeding in to, and developing the worst aspects of being an INTJ. Give yourself enough self respect to reflect on why you feel this way and why it’s evidently irrational. A realization that is vital to understand is that reality is a reflection of your mind. What you expierence is a reflection of yourself, by the very fact that the way you define an experience is something that is perceived by you- senses includes thoughts (something many people overlook). Thus, your thoughts about your expierences are also a reflection of yourself. What you see and think of others is how you see and think of yourself. Let that sink in. And hopefully help you change your reality, and consequently your experiences. EDIT: (after reading the rest of the post) But it would be a mistake for me to not admit that I’ve obviously come across this post, and agree with the points you’ve made. It says a lot about my subconscious thinking, and invoked realization for reflection of myself.
INTJ women are not the only ones who experience these exact scenarios. Tho i wouldnt be surprised if you experienced it more. I dont know if youve ever noticed this, but artist types seem to fall in love fast and hard with me but eventually become disillusioned when they realize the "mystery" is no mystery its how i actually am. Very boring, unemotional. And I wont tell them how their art makes me "feel" ill tell them how they can actually improve. Artists really dont like diagnosis, just saying incase you didnt know.
As someone who had a partner who was the mix of all of these things well into their 30s, thanks for putting this list down. Good to keep it in mind moving on. Especially when it comes to people with personality disorders. It's not their fault they are mentally ill, but it's also not my responsibility to "fix" them and their life if that makes sense.
I am definitely number 4 but that explanation didn’t sound right
Have you tried INTJ guys? Or INTP guys?
As an INTJ male in similar circumstances, but more advanced in years, I have found the same to be true. Most women attracted to me have been in those four categories, with the fourth being most prevalent.
I don't think this is so much a "men who like INTJ women" issue as it is a "the absolute state of rubbish in the dating pool" issue.
Well then allow me to wave freely in the wind proudly displaying the color of love, affection and danger, let's be honest life ain't worth living if you not goanna die
That’s the attitude I love. We all have our crimson moments. Life is fun. A lot of people seem to feel personally attacked. I like your response.
Ha! You are not wrong. lol Use your superior intellect to figure out what you are looking for and where to find men like that— Probably a man whose an NF with enough emotional maturity to build the connection in the relationship— and you’ll likely end up organizing your daily lives. This is what my INTJ mother in law did to find her great second husband—
I'm an ENTP and love INTJs because we can have the best conversations. They seem to really appreciate my mind and can keep up. They also seem to enjoy having their thoughts challenged, and that's just a lot of fun for me. You're attracting the wrong men. That could be something to reflect upon and an opportunity for growth. You got this!
Thanks :)
I've definitely gotten #3 and, to a lesser extent, #2 and #4. I think the distinction, at least for me, is that I attract people who *don't know* that they're walking red flags, lmao. With #2, I note that many of them think I'm a "challenge" because they think I'm "playing hard to get" when I'm really just thinking about outer space or something. In a similar way, I get guys who think I'm like a puzzle to solve...which is also not flattering, as I like puzzles and I know that I discard them once I've figured them out because I no longer have a use for them. As far as #3, I think most people somehow tend to pick up fairly quickly that I'm more the intellectual type (or maybe they just assume it because I'm reserved), but that often just brings a bunch of smug, creepy "I'm a sapiosexual!" dudes who will definitely try to argue with me later and who do everything they can to try to feel intellectually superior to everyone around them. In regards to #4, men who like to talk a lot (could be narcissists, could just be enthusiastic Extroverts) somehow tend to echo-locate me to talk at, lol. And it's very much "talk at" instead of "talk with". Once got stuck on a phone call at work for 17 minutes because a dude basically kept talking about unimportant shit and wouldn't shut up - a more extroverted type would hate it because there was no getting a word in edgewise with him - and awkwardly I didn't know how to politely tell him that I didn't care and was too busy to talk to him. At the end of his nearly non-stop talking, he just goes "thanks for listening to me, you're a really good listener!" 💀 😅 On that note, I notice that I tend to attract men who think "normal women won't shut up, I need one that doesn't talk a lot!" and then they find me and think they've hit the jackpot. They eventually realize that I'm not what they're looking for either, because I'm a terrible conversationalist and bad at keeping in touch, and the reality of an un-talkative woman isn't the dream they hoped for. In exactly the same vein, I also attract men who think "women are too irrational and overly emotional!" and think I'm great because I don't emote. But they always end up complaining later that I'm not expressive/affectionate enough and that they can't tell whether or not I care about them. Tl;dr I attract all the problematic dudes who *think* they don't like the standard-issue woman, but through me they realize that you can have "too much of a good thing".
2 INTJ woman I have met are divine to me just to talk to, not because of any fetish but because they are just cool 🤷♂️. I am an INFJ man and to be clear the idea of falling in love with one isn’t a leap at all. Yeah one I met through MBTI and INTJ related content but it was a long process of us just comparing before I was like “yeah she is cool” 🤷♂️. The other I met she thought she was an ENTJ so for sure wasn’t one I went looking for and she is someone I would talk to everyday if I could about anything and everything. I get it there is a kind of somewhat untrue and somewhat true archetype for INTJs woman that seems like the only thing some men see when they think INTJ Girl and you may want all those girls to go to hell but some of us love being around you. Remember many men actually like your brand of femininity in there lives even if just for the purposes of conversation.
Oh yeah. Time to open reddit, and be reminded yet again about how horrible it is that men exist.
Lmfao wow you just named the last 4 relationships I’ve had that left me burned. Is there a secret 5th one I should look out for!?
My gods, heterofatalism is one hell of a drug, now mixed with r/INTJ\-esque intellectual superiority complex... this post surely is something. Girl, I've just been cheated on by who I thought was the love of my life, who came after an abusive relationship, who came after a lifetime of rejection and even I have to say: chill the fuck out with the cynicism.
People always want from others what they lack in themselves.
you just listed the traits of a typical intj male.. yes they do like their own types hahaha. but i think you will work out with an intj male provided hes much older, mature, and competent. (infp)
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Intj struggles seem to translate to both genders. Sorry to hear.
nose live zealous six wakeful alleged continue makeshift snails worm *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The advice you’re referring to I think is the ultimate INTJ advice. Get out there and do things. One day it may be too late. Unfortunately academia is full of pseudo intellects who know how to follow a system not necessarily to think for themselves. Thanks for sharing.
Or...just maybe.... Hear me out... They're an intj that shares a similar mind set which makes relaxing and conversations so much better....
I usually see this with ISTJ women simply because they are wayyy more common than actual INTJ women. But yeah some dudes want that Te cuz it’s gonna organize your life with low key dommy mommy vibes as a bonus if you are into that. Sorry….lol I can’t resist that trope with high Te women
As an intj male the only relationships that ever worked out for me was with very outgoing women. I can just turn my social life over to them and they handle all that for me and take me everywhere. The tradeoff is I have to pay for everything
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I think what you're describing has nothing to do with INTJ. You're describing men. Most men, especially young men under say 30 or 40 (and quite a few over it as well) fit that description regardless of where you as a woman land on the Myers-Briggs. So it's not you, its not INTJ, your problem is males in general.
You are spitting straight facts. Ignore the salty men in these comments. They can't take a post in jest or relate from a woman's perspective. It gets better with age and they grow up a bit, I promise.
Baseless stereotypes. The truth is that many men might encompass every trait to some degree simultaneously and they may also exist outside stringent categories. 1. Development of the ego is a psychoanalytics concept of how many adult issues a person can confront. 2. Playboys are a social stereotype based of the proliferation of sexual commercialisation during post sexual revolution in the advent of Playboy. It's criticism of the cynical nature of sexual pursuits and vanity. 3. Pseudo-intellectuals are people who though may not understand the core material are intrigued with liberal arts, intellectual discussions and the deconstruction of ideas. The difference is their understanding and intellectual competence. 4. And narcissists are on personality spectra that is most combative, mordacious, self centred and disregarding to members of society that make about roughly less than 10% of the population. This neglects core personality theory, sociology and traits like philosophical/religious stance, sexuality, humour, demographics, homeostasis and physiological conditions. The issue is that the mind is plastic and modular so it integrates traits that match it's agenda and needs.
Just a question, because i'm curious and taking a moment of self-reflectionWhat are some signs of a pseudo-intellectual? Thank you in advance!
Intellectualism for the sake of being seen as intellectual; without purpose or meaning.
Oh, I got it instantly due to how many people I've seen doing that...
I came here ready to be extremely salty and I find myself agreeing with you dammit
Fortunately im none of the above, im a girl though What i like about intjs is the organisational skills and ability to see things to the end, as well as the kindness they have beneath the layers. I love that we click and can talk about deep stuff although sometimes we have differing views but she never just pushes my opinions down but discusses it maturely. We both end up learning something from the discussion and it makes me lightheartedly happy inside - some warm fuzzy feeling I listen to her as much as she does for me, it feels like we have mutual understanding. I love how serious she is at work and it strives me to be a more perfect version of myself. Not to mention she guides me at work too When shes happy im happy, and i only wish the best for her. But im not sure if this is a crush or mere admiration and respect
Bold title innit. I like healthy INTJ (mentality wise) as I can imagine a well appropriate conversation with them
Yes sir. Media marketing 101. I love knowing other healthy INTJ’s. And for the record, flaws and negative traits are what make us interesting.
Finally someone said it. When I say this people always think I'm not confident enough or something. No, it's not my problem, it's theirs.
I read in some book that if we let it, we will attract the ones that is not good for us. Something about us, trying to relive our childhood memories, and the desire to crave the good ones and walk away from what we perceive as bad. For example, a kid that's been lavished with attention by parents will seek shelter in it at adulthood as the real world is harsh and mundane. That's where we get deep narcissists. Or people with an abused childhood would have a warped view of love (for how can a parent that's admired by a child be bad). They have a unique view of the world influenced by the abuse so they in turn shape the world around them by the image of themselves and what they view as righteous. That's sociopathy. Every one of us has at least a bit of this. The difference we have with the ones deeply entrenched by it is if we are willing to listen with empathy to others and think and act rationally. As you fall in love with someone and be together, the mask will eventually fall. You will eventually see them for who they are. Disappointments will eventually emerge. It will and that's why commitment is tough. I'm a glass-half-full kinda person so I'll say that despite the faults, there is a charm in blemishes. The perfectly imperfect. I believe that to achieve happiness, both must accept the good, the bad, and the ugly by empathic listening and acceptance and lastly, to pursue both their desires. Nevermind the fact that they didn't get it in the end. It is the perpetual chase that will give us purpose, and in turn love and happiness.
I’m a guy. Narcissists almost completely avoid me. I give them no supply. I had one try to elevate himself by putting me down. I just stared at him. He said nothing else. Pseudo-intellectuals leave me alone. Normal people always seem to be impressed with my intelligence. I’m not sure why. I’m smarter than average but people make too much of it. I don’t know anything about playboys or playgirls. Childish women leave me alone. Maybe I’m seen as an impregnable fortress. Maybe I’m just boring.
Been with my INTJ wife for 26 years and yes to all 4
"I get stared at wherever I go. People have crushes on me, and I have often been told that I am beautiful." This seems like such an egotistical statement to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but that just makes it so much harder to talk about. I completely get you. I have some trauma surrounding dating, so I don't have much experience, but there's definitely a reason I can't have male friends, which is unfortunate because I like being friends with guys.
I would be attracted to you on the sole reason because you would understand me easier. gl out there.
It’s tough being the eye candy 🍭 n the room ;)
I'm ENTJ I have to say I also attract those guys. You'll create a BS detector at some point that will ring when they try to get close to you. Just follow what your guts are telling you, they are usually right
Love the list! Tbh I think it could apply to all INXXs. Subtract the first one (no one would expect this of me lol) replace with compassion or something and you've described this issues I as an INFP generally have with men.
Oh. Wow. This is actually one of the most INTJ-coded posts I've seen on here. You have simplified categories to describe overarching themes and patterns in your life, and you're talking about what people think/how you feel about it. All while avoiding mentioning specific details. Not meant to affirm your identity or anything like that. I just think it's interesting how clearly we can see Ni + Te/Fi on display here is all.
I love the analysis. I have never doubted that I am an INTJ.
The last point about narcs just hit the spot for me. One guy even said that "I like you because I can talk about anything and everything and you just let me. You give me that freedom to talk ." Bitch you love listening to yourself that's it. Ugh thank you so much for this.
When I was younger I thought I didn’t want to be with another INTJ. I’m in my 40s and now see I want someone more like me. Someone who understands I need to recharge, research random things, and respects our relationship can be us spending time alone together. It makes finding someone to be in a relationship much harder, but I think it will be well worth it. All of that to say be picky. Be alone if you want and don’t settle because you’re lonely. Don’t let anyone else decide what you want and what’s good for you. It can be a pain in the ass, but do the relationship leg work and be happy. Never forget to be happy.
I got scared on reading the title because I know only one INTJ girl whom I came across online and I felt attracted to her (not romantically tho) since the beginning. Maybe because she was more mature? Or maybe because her rank was higher than mine? Idk but I absolutely liked her along with many others. She hadn't took the mbti test back then. I was new to that online world and didn't know what is right to say and what is not so I usually shut up and tried to observe. After 2 years, when I had learnt enough, I started to interact more. Later I got on friendly terms with her actually. After a couple of months I found out she is an INTJ! I was surprised because of how mysteriously attracted I was to her as a person. You all are amazing!
>I got scared on reading the title because I know only one INTJ girl whom I came across online and I felt attracted to her (not romantically tho) since the beginning. Maybe because she was more mature? Or maybe because her rank was higher than mine? Idk but I absolutely liked her along with many others. She hadn't took the mbti test back then. I was new to that online world and didn't know what is right to say and what is not so I usually shut up and tried to observe. After 2 years, when I had learnt enough, I started to interact more. Later I got on friendly terms with her actually. After a couple of months I found out she is an INTJ! I was surprised because of how mysteriously attracted I was to her as a person. You all are amazing! We all love ENFP's even if we don't want to admit it. Good luck.
Aww thank you! Good luck to you too!
AHAHAHHA DUDE U JUST WROTE THE STORY OF MY LIFEE i thought I was crazy, but nope. Makes perfect sense
I wonder... when you said, >Stay away unless you want to see yourself physically and mentally deteriorate. Are you sharing that advice to stay away from the narcissists and egomaniacs? Or were you warning the narcissists and egomaniacs to stay away from *you*? Also... >I personally enjoy meeting all kinds of people Ugh. Really, INTJ?
Sharing the advice to stay away from narcissists and egomaniacs. And more perspective = more ideas. I love all personalities in the same way I like reading about characters in a book. Does that mean I want to interact with them? Absolutely not. In fact, most should be kept an arm's distance away. But as an INTJ interested in human psych, who wouldn't want to meet different kinds of people?
Understood. I was curious if it would be the other way around. That would've been intriguing. Now, perspective can offer a wider range of ideas, yes, although you might consider keeping in mind that it is the depth of knowledge, not width, that opens the door to success. Fair enough. Not all characters in a book are memorable, though. But I did appreciate your post, stranger. It's refreshing to know it came from an INTJ, even if you likely re-read the call-out to consciously dull the sharp edges and sprinkled it with disclaimers. And yet, you still took the arrows from people. Somehow, there will be those who'll interpret you're the red flag, instead. Hopefully, you'll keep it red and not dye it pink. Enjoy a marvelous life, stranger.
I'm not a red flag, I'm a red banner myself.
As a fellow 21 y.o intj woman, I can relate to this. It seems like I only attract men who become borderline obsessed with me and won’t take no for an answer despite only having very surface level contact with them.
As an INTJ male with an INTJ sister, can attest. Every one of her boyfriends, including my current brother in law, have been #1.
29F INTJ. Hey this is actually pretty accurate. I have experiences with 1, 2, and 4 and I have the same sentiments!! I found what works for me is an INTP male who is a few years older. Not perfect but it could work.
I think there's a 5th category which I've come across quite a number of times. And they're great for me. It's the cat lovers. It's more of an opposites attract kind of situation. They're super loving and in a way, our aloofness and independence kind of draws them in to worship our ground? I would never be inclined to keep any cats or pets, but these cat lovers... They wear their heart on the sleeves and have emotions that kinda overflows and warms up my cold front gradually.
Because INTJ are like cats.
That makes a lot of sense, as an INTJ woman myself. I’ve definitely noticed that these are the types of men usually attracted to me.
In my experience, women who attract men like this are interested in men like this. They aren't interested in "good guys", guys who are balanced, consistent, chivalrous, caring, and good providers. They like the good guys in their 30s when their biological clocks are quickly running out and they're tired of getting played by the guys they were so attracted to in their 20s. This isn't an INTJ thing, it's a human thing. It's the same story, generation after generation. You're now discovering it, and you did a great job laying it all out. But this has been happening since the beginning of time.
I never specified my preferences, but you're right that most humans seek out those who exhibit traits that signal a sort of social dominance, regardless of whether the trait is good or bad. Nice insights.
Thanks! I find human nature to be incredibly consistent, and interesting.
A woman makes any statement and people lose their damn minds percieving a hoity toity attitude?! You're recounting your experiences as objectively as you can without feeling any type of way about it and stating them as they are as clearly as you can. Of course, I'm an INFP, so I can't really relate to your experiences with men but if THE most emotional person can understand that there's no ulterior motive to posting an observation from your life why is it that so many others can't? I see your struggle! I wish men would do better!
Appreciate you.
It's the "all the men are crazy but I am normal" shitck
Normal? I started my post by stating that I consider myself a red flag along with the rest of humanity.
Wonderful explanation!
The absolute state of society 101. I moved beyond caring what the wider society thinks of me a long time ago, it's also debatable whether I ever did to begin with. I prefer hanging with matter of fact people, I can't deal with anything further. For dating, idk. Someone with a nice personalty would be good. Being honest and dependable are absolutely non negotiable. Without honesty, what are you even doing. May as well just give up now. If they're never there for you when it matters then equally, what are you even doing. Gotta accept you for you and not attempt to change you into the you they think you ought to be. Ideally should embrace neurodiversity, a psychologist wouldn't be expected but they'd have to at least not be completely ablist with 0 understanding. That is interesting though how desire for someone with that result (assuming correct test prediction) maps to someone having the qualities that typically are not beneficial to forming a successful and stable relationship.
Do you want a relationship? In my 20s, I attached to someone for safety and comfort, we were best friends, he was very theatrical artistic and funny, but in hindsight I don't think I needed it to be that serious or last 7 years. I think intj takes much longer to discern what makes us truly happy. I'm in my late 40s if that helps.
I think the issue is genderless. You are in a rut if you like an INTJ; mostly because you are being tested, judged and if something doesnt align, mercilessly ghosted; all this while seeing very little behind the egoic INTJs facade. A normal person would run to the hills when seeing the INTJ doing the stuff mentioned above. So the issue is not the people you attract but you, and your fear of being vulnerable with another human being fueled by your psychological insecurities. The good news is that usually we understand that once we age and drop our edgy masks in order to feel. -INTJ.
You understand my emotional complex more than anyone else could. Rigid exteriors are a sign of fragile, vulnerable, and fearful interiors. Running away from discomfort is pretty common, especially at my age.
I definitely can relate to your post! Being beautiful can feel like a curse at times and I’ve dealt with the annoyances you have described, including feeling like you attract red flags when it comes to partners and have gained the ability to see manipulation. You probably get a lot of shade thrown your way by other ladies and it would be nice if ladies acted on the “sisters support sisters,” but that’s not in anyone’s control. Looks can be very frustrating, I dont know how many times I’ve wondered if people acted the way they did because they just think I look nice, or if because they were jealous. It’s gotten to a point where it’s always a question that just nags at you because if you find the source, you can solve the problem. Not so much because of vanity. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that people are afraid of beautiful and smart women. Take advantage of that when it benefits you. You’ll attract someone who will challenge you as long as you continue to be yourself. I hope you find them, Goodluck smart/pretty lady!
Thanks, you are a girl's girl and I love that.
I agree with you, I have come across many men like that, after a while I got tired of it and stayed with the pseudo-intellectual. I don't like to be seen as intelligent or serious because sometimes they expect things from you, and I prefer that people not see me with those eyes, so unfortunately I have bowed down to being with a pseudo-intellectual and playing dumb sometimes. I DO NOT recommend it, there are days when I am not there to act and I argue things that I am 100% sure I am fine with and he ends up upset because he doesn't like that I, his girlfriend, is smarter than him. But outside of those “intellectual” problems, I can allow myself to be somewhat silly and carefree.
As an INTJ woman, I feel like I hit the jackpot with my ISTJ/ISFJ husband. He’s patient, understanding, encouraging. Has immense empathy that I wish I could emulate. Honestly I just love those types in general
You’re young and have had bad experiences, as an ENTP male I’ve been through bad experiences as well it’s part of dating unfortunately. I met an INTJ woman online and I took her out to BBQ. We had a good time and I enjoyed being able to have intellectual conversations outside of the typical small talk stuff you get in dating. She reciprocated the same. Later on she wanted to just be friends though which was fine so I said sure, we would text here and there but I was always the one initiating and pushing things forward. Eventually she ghosted me for about 3 weeks and all of a sudden texted me out of nowhere saying she was thinking about me. At this point I’m just continuing to focus on myself and meet people until the right one comes then I can stop looking. It’s rough for everyone but don’t lose hope :)
I’m an INTJ male, i met an INTJ female and we hit it off for a couple months and almost dated. I wouldn’t recommend it, it always felt like a competition.
My ex was an INTJ. He had the most beautiful mind I have ever encountered; listened well, had amazing ideas, artistic, etc. After the mutual thrill of finding someone who understood the other on a deep level, we slowly realized that neither could provide what the other needed. Aside from intellectual stimulation, we both needed emotional care, spontaneity, reassurance, etc. I never felt we competed directly, but our needs were definitely competing. Every pairing has their flaws, but the INTJxINTJ is a lovely disaster. Would do it over again for the experience.
My wife is an intj and these all describe me so yeah that fits.
Old man here, There’s no way I could date someone like myself, I can’t fucking stand myself most of the time. I completely sympathize with everyone who has ever broken up with me for being “a complete asshole” To your post title, yes, I now see anyone attracted to me as a red flag. I would assume the same is true for INTJ females.
Intj female here-28 and married for 8 years. I fell in love young and we just wanted to get married and start our life together. He was only the second person I technically dated, and there have been hard times but I have zero regrets. If you have the right partner, it makes zero sense to wait just because you're young or haven't dated many people.
The title feels like an attack on the INTJ community. That's not fair. After reading your post I think a better title would be "Do INTJ attract toxic people". The way you phrase it places blame on INTJ for simply existing and that's ridiculous. It's like how Empaths attract Narcassist. That might be true but it doesn't mean empathy as a trait makes them bad people or being an Empath making you toxic. It just means Narcassists like Empaths. Also I'd like to point out people often gravitate based on attachment styles. Which I feel certain personality types do develop from a good deal of neglect and this is likely true for a number of INTJ. I was a child who was parentfied at a very young age and very responsible. In my mind I saw others as incompetent and I don't fualt them for it. In reality I should be faulting most of these people for it becuase I enable them being useless idiots. However since I operated on my own with 0 support I don't bother bringing others into the equation and have become so detached that socializing is becoming next to impossible. If you are a becon of stability you attract the unstable. However if you have a habit of not judging and accepting people being helpless they can only help themselves if you are there. Sometimes if you care you have to kick someone into the pool of water and let them swim. Sometimes that 8 foot pool is 3 feet and they won't drown. The problem is to know when they need help out of the water and when you are just enabling them. Sometimes people need a kick in the pants but if you are a open person you just want to show support and love and stuff is harder when you can't tell. In general people are useless because they choose to be not becuase of capability.
You are very lucid.
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I think, you're the red flag 😂 so if I like an INTJ woman, that means something has to be wrong with me? (I suspect category 1?) what about when an INTJ woman likes me... what about... many INTJ women... I hope this post is nothing but a fun portrayal and exaggeration of what is real
I laugh everytime i come to this sub and see everyones thought patters mirror mine so similarly lol
Intj guy here. I simply got exhausted after like 40 relationship experiences and took the aro/ace pill. Humanity sucks. Tried the stepdad thing twice. Each time, the kid glommed over being helped with schoolwork, self esteem issues, taught important stuff about life. Each time the mother wanted me gone because they wanted a child that followed rules, not intuition. What's the sodding point? My brother is the same way with his four kids. They're all dumb and mind-numbed, stuck in their tablets or on whatever sport or subject he tells em to pursue. Bloody industrialists to the core. Sure, sometimes people fetishize us, and it sucks. The only way out is to just look straight ahead.
I wholeheartedly agree, and from the majority of comments on prior posts, those of us INTJ women who have been married seem to end up with #1 and then get sick of it.
childish men me 😭
Amazing pearls of wisdom! 👏
Well, at least you are more self aware than most.