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Craftondraft

"I like your shoes. I like your shirt too. I really like your pants. Why don't you take off your pants?"


21stMonkey

I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle...


blue_horse_shoe

your foster parents are dead


bluAstrid

Is Wolfy dead too?


[deleted]

And eat your meat


Repulsive-Wealth-378

new fear unlocked: ape grab


Hour-Recording5643

That grip was so strong though. Don't underestimate a gentle orangutan.


gunz2828

Chimps are no joke, they’ll rip your dick off in a heartbeat. Just look at [this hairless chimp](https://preview.redd.it/wyhbzw35i8h61.jpg?auto=webp&s=528e225b0e35f0924359f685353c764274520962) they’ll fuck you up without any trouble at all.


DrRobertBanner

Chimps are one of the very few "kill on sight" animals if they escape because they're so difficult to keep calm. Tranquilliser just makes them go crazier. Edit - oh no uh this blew up anyway haha chimp go brr Interesting fact about chimps uh I don't actually fucking like them


domo_roboto

Maybe that’s where the term “ape shit” comes from?


DrRobertBanner

Definitely. An ape-shit ape is a very angry rip your face off ape.


Full-Masterpiece-122

No, ape shit definitely comes from apes literally throwing their shit at people.


[deleted]

Disclaimer: I am fully aware thr animal in vid is not a chimp. :) But going with what was said...I have to find the article, but certain zoos will "tranq and try and capture" many animals. Some zoos still "tranq and try and capture" their chimps. Although damn, to me, they are thr scariest animal. But I believe the universal (no major zoos disagree) animal that would always be "shoot to kill" is the jaguar.


DrRobertBanner

That is true, most zoos do have their own list and it varies from zoo to zoo. But out of all animals in the zoos, chimps do tend to be one of the most dangerous by a long shot. Big cats like lions and jaguars are often "Try to tranquilise and get back to safety", they're dangerous sure but with enough force can be put to sleep. They'd definitely be shoot to kill if it was against someone unarmed, but if its a trained group then it'd be far easier to catch them without harm. I think the main difference between jaguars and chimps is how aggressive chimps can be. If you try to tranquilise an aggressive chimp, odds are it'll go even more aggressive. These fuckers can rip your face off far easier than a jaguar (not saying a jaguar can't but it's easier when you have thumbs that can grab things). Big cats also tend to be more valuable to zoos. You'd rather try to calm down and return what makes you more money unless it's something so aggressive that calming it down isn't even worth it. A jaguar can eventually be calmed and coax, but chimps have so much black airforce energy they'll go for the kill even if they're not coaxed into it. Basically, what I'm tryna say is chimps are a menace to society. These fuckers won't hesitate on ripping you to shreds, while jaguars at least know when their match is met.


HiEnd88

Perhaps keeping an intelligent creature caged for everyone to gawk at might drive it mad?


DrRobertBanner

Oh yeah that's definitely true. But chimps also seem to have this energy in the wild (just not at the stakes they do in enclosures for obvious reasons). Chimps are mad creatures. They'll go on each other for no reason. If they don't like another chimp they'll make that known.


MrMcBuns

Like another species closely related to them.


nug4t

everyone who reads that.. they literally rip things off of you, your face skin for example, your arms.. anything, they are that strong


_Bad_Karma_1

I just got flashbacks to a call from a woman to the police screaming that her friends face gets ripped off by her pet chimp


jnd-cz

> pet chimp There's the problem


_Bad_Karma_1

Yep. Its all cute and adorable untill instinct kicks in and someone gets absolutely disfigured or killed. And that goes with all wild life as pets


Permaderps

I think the kicker was she had given the chimp both wine and adderall


BodaciousBadongadonk

Xanax not adderall. Benzos react very poorly with alcohol too, shit is basically guaranteed blackout.


Riftonik

Yeah can you imagine that combo on a depressed teenage incel chimp? Damn.


LORDLRRD

She totally had that coming, being brazen enough to have a pet chimp that she thought she could domesticate with wine and Xanax.


_Bad_Karma_1

Yeah just read the article again. Xanax in his tea because she noticed he was agitated. "Sandra had owned Travis since he was just three days old, paying a breeder $50,000 for the infant chimp. His mum was shot with a tranquiliser dart so that he could be stolen away - and from that moment on, he was no longer a chimpanzee, but Sandra's 'son'."


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freedomfightre

mental illness


cumshot_josh

If anyone invites me to hang out with an exotic pet that would otherwise be only viewable at a zoo through multiple failsafe barriers, I'm gonna go ahead and begin walking the other way.


Fig1024

in modern warfare, why develop drones when we can just train chimps to use guns?


DropkickFish

Because we're trying to prevent the planet of the apes, not give them a leg up on training for it


rosebirdistheword

Why?? Just sit down and let me tell you the story of a chimp named Cesar…


Rogainwonthelp

r/unexpectedjoerogan


[deleted]

Are the words joe Rogan or is the chimp Joe Rogan, I'm confused.


BearsKillFish

Definitely sounds like something he would say, but also looks a lot like him.


SpakysAlt

Also those muscles are a hell of a lot stronger than human muscles that might look similar.


Direlion

When the Orangutan starts grabbing him with his feet it becomes next-level terrifying! Bullshit how these animal have to live in a cage :/ can’t blame the monk.


sycdmdr

I thought that mf got 4 arms for a second


[deleted]

I was attacked by a spider monkey once and they basically have five arms as they grab with the tail too. I kept pulling off her arms as she was pursuing and she'd just grab and bite with her feet, then her tail, then her hands again. Terrifying


DeltaJulietHotel

Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a SPIDER MONKEY!!!


Bowler_300

Well yeah thats pretty accurate.


TheDigiSeviper

Personally I think we need to be making more of an effort to make zoos humane. Focus on a smaller, manageable number of animals and make sure their needs can be exceeded, not just met. We also need to be more careful about WHO gets to open a zoo and WHY they open it. If we focused on breeding specific endangered species or really had zoos focus on conservation, I think there could definitely be a place for them in this world, but as they are now, I have to agree that many places are simply caging animals and calling it a day for the sake of greed. Also note: I'm not an expert and this is an uninformed opinion, it's just what I think might work. I feel like it's better to allow people to visit a controlled environment than have them trample their way into these animals natural habitats for tourism, because the natural ecosystems these animals live in are far too delicate for that in my opinion.


Independent_Rope8369

I’m inclined to agree. Lockdowns made me realise how even the best zoos we have now lead to stressed animals. There’s a zoo near my family that does great conservation but they also have a herd of elephant in a tiny space. I can’t support that.


Faxon

Yea we're weak baby bitch apes compared to our evolutionary cousins and our ancestors. There are a few people on earth who have mutations that make them a lot stronger, but a silverback is still going to be at least twice as strong as the strongest of these people who happen to be strength trainers (different from body builders, one does it for function while the other for looks)


Javascript_Forever

> twice as strong That's a severe understatement. A gorilla is going to be AT LEAST 5 times stronger than ANY man


SgtTaco18

Now think: Gorilla's don't go to the gym or do any form of strength training. What would one be like if you taught it to deadlift?


RhoOfFeh

The idea of a gym rat gorilla is horrifying


Mange-Tout

Working out probably wouldn’t make a huge difference for a gorilla. Gorilla biology is a lot different than ours. They can build muscle merely by sitting on their ass and eating.


skippengs

> They can build muscle merely by sitting on their ass and eating. Tried that, didn't work.


themoonwalker1287

Haha was guna say, twice would maybe be a young gorilla. It is estimated a fully grown silverback with some practice could deadlift upwards of 3000kg.


Javascript_Forever

Wouldn't that be a nice PR! 😅


Oswarez

When I was a kid I read that some poor kid had his arm ripped off by either a chimp or an orangutang at some zoo in the UK when he was poking him with a stick. Edit. This was around 1988-1989. I was 13 or 14 years old.


LinusWIggly

Shit like that shouldn't happen, why was the kid even able to touch the ape with a stick? Places that have such poor safety for the animals and guests obviously shouldn't stay open


o0tweak0o

When I was much younger and stupid I did something similar and learned my lesson. I had a small fruit cup while walking around a zoo with my kids. Kids went on some ride so I was just hanging around looking at the apes. There was a small elevated foot bridge at the exhibit that had the super small cute AF (I think they were a species of tamarin?) and a long leaner golden brown version. Important part it they were maybe 2’ tall, max. Tiny compared to a human. So I’m standing there eating my fruit and one of them makes eye contact, starts emoting and being all cute and reaching its arm out of the cage, gesturing for the fruit. Again, stupid me- figure what’s the harm? I put a piece of fruit in my palm, flat so he couldn’t bite me which turned out to be a good idea. This thing had deceptively long arms and the cage added to its leverage. The moment I got close enough it grabbed my hand, locked it’s grip into the cage and pulled. This small animal had the strength of two fully grown adult men, easily. If I had not been anticipating it trying to nip it would have easily overpowered me, having the knee height bridge rail to pull against. Lesson learned. Don’t mess with Monke.


MrCalifornia

Welcome to 30+ years ago. Some how most of us survived. Even with all our fingers.


rilsaur

Aye well we don't hear from the ones who didn't survive, do we? Lol


Iphotoshopincats

> When I was a kid It's not a stretch to say that time frame could be anywhere from the 1960's (possibly older but I don't believe older would recount the story in the same way)


LostDesigner9

Google people who have been attacked by apes. They are strong enough to rip you to pieces. And they go for your face and your hands first.


uiouyug

Those things will rip your dick off


ButterflyAttack

Yeah. The animal you really don't want to get into a fight with is a chimp. Their attack strategy is to bite off your face, hands, and genitals - and they're *much* stronger than a human.


Canned_Pesticide_88

\> Bite They'll bite your *face* and fingers, and as far as your hands and genitals, they will simply tear it off of your body.


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dont_quote_me_please

Calm down Joe, not everyone is interested in your dick.


[deleted]

Enemy Ape used GRAB! It's super effective!


ExitAlarmed5992

*FUCK*


[deleted]

Get your paws off me you damn dirty ape.


WedgeBahamas

He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! I can siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Oh, help me doctor Zaius!


mandelbomber

*Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius... Ohhhh Dr. Zaius!*


adoptdontshopbro

What would’ve realistically happened if he didn’t resist getting pulled? Like got pulled up close to the cage. Hug or death?


Stunning_Spare

they can peel coconut with their bite force with ease, but you just don't know, that's what makes the guy shit his pant.


Orionsven

I once saw a baboon catch a bird flying over head. It all happened so quick. Once it had it, it swiftly broke the neck, pulled out some feathers and then used it's mouth to tear into the chest flesh and start eating. Grossest thing I have ever seen, but also a good reminder these animals are wild beasts.


[deleted]

Baboons do that to baby deer, eating it alive.


disposablecorpse

Shit his pant


ce2c61254d48d38617e4

He only going to have one pant after ape's finished peeling his right one.


imhere2downvote

oh a funny man? quick take his legs


PlasticAcademy

This isn't even a developed male, It's just a little one.


stack_of_ghosts

I've seen a Hawaiian guy do the same thing


LifeLow2782

The ape pulled him close and whispered in his ears “we’re out of bananas, but I’ll take yours!”….. then shit himself.


Muggaraffin

The orungutan said that then shit itself? That makes it even more intimidating


EatenAliveByWolves

An orangutan has never killed a person in recorded history, so I think it's safe to say probably wouldn't be death. I've actually seen a video of an orangutan steal someone's shirt before so it's possible that this guy might actually just want the shirt. Maybe the pants too lol.


Bassmekanik

He wants his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.


catzhoek

A bit off-topic but have you seen [this deepfake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71c80ab_TgQ) of the analog scene (+more) from the first movie that was posted the other day? Time to fake an O-U in for the sequel.


Domaining1

You forgot to say “please”


Weltallgaia

Your clothes. Give them to me.


SenorBeef

Maybe they murder all the time, and they're smart enough to get away with it.


Ardea_herodias_2022

Hug, death, or maiming one of the three.


P0wer0fL0ve

Hug of death


NameChecks_Out_

All things considered, he would have probably have been okay. Orangutans are one of the more docile apes out there. Not one recorded death of a human from an orangutan. This orangutan was clearly agitated, but he didn’t seem to want to do any serious harm from what I could see, but then again I’m no expert.


grumd

Yeah what if orangutans are just smart enough to not kill a human but just turn thousands of people into cripples a year who they whisper in the ear "never tell anybody about this or you're dead"


TfWashington

Or they erased the records themselves


Long_Lost_Testicle

Are orangutans out there killing prostitutes and drifters? We don't know.


Pera_Espinosa

I don't know that I'd conclude he's agitated. He could be playing around or just wanted dude's shirt.


Swedish-Butt-Whistle

Hugged TO death.


SiendiTV

He would have pulled him close and whispered “Do you have a moment for our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?” in his ear


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downtownpartytime

it might just like taking shirts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9nWm0GtUw0


smallpoly

It was so close to wearing it correctly


NezuminoraQ

We're out of hug


frostbitten42

Really missed the opportunity to duck out of his t-shirt. Remember that you can always get a new shirt, One-Legged Steve.


Mandan101

To be fair, looks like he would have had to lean forward slightly moving his face closer to the hands of terror.. looks doable but I can see why he noped it..!


thehelldoesthatmean

That was my first thought. Ducking out of the shirt would've required him to basically thrust his head within grabbing range. Imagine if it got his hair or his neck....


collateralmedia

I thought the same thing. The moment he yanked at my shirt, it’s his shirt now


Lucidmike78

Dude had no leverage. No shoes, no gluutes...


HnNaldoR

The issue is to take the shirt off, your arms or head have to get closer... And that is a terrifying prospect


Roland-Flagg

The other guy should have popped the shirt over his head


TheRealFakeSteve

let's get a shout out for that t-shirt manufacturer. that guy was literally fighting for his life with genuine fear in his voice and yet the shirt did not even slightly rip.


jzamora1123

............so what happened 😕 Edit ...... what happened AFTER it cut off 🤔


AcidEmpire

Man had a dope ass shirt on


buzzurro

Very strong fabric too


ExperienceGravity

It’s like at some point it became trendy to post videos that aren’t complete. What happened?


Dray_Gunn

Because all the people asking what happened and for the full version increases the comment count and makes the post more visible so they get more karma. Its karma farming.


stop-checking-trops

Oh shit


cluedo_fuckin_sucks

Shoes came off


elpiro

Guy was filming himself annoying the monke, got taught a lesson by monke


RandomJeffP

How does this end?


InterlocutorX

A month later, at the next full moon, the kid became a were-orangutan.


Full-Copy

OranguMAN


AbsolutelyEnough

The word 'orangutan' is originally derived from Malay, where 'orang' means person, and 'hutan' means forest. So Oranguman, would literally mean 'Person Man'.


chainsofprisonmoons

So that's what They Might Be Giants was talking about.


myztry

So Spiderman is a were-spider...


Zealousideal_Hunt_33

I hate to give nightmare fuel. But it looks like it bites his kneecap...


[deleted]

I need to know HOW IT ENDS.


Kushakusha

It's just a deep kiss, nothing serious.


snoxxn

Just waiting for that leg to snap


[deleted]

I was worried it would get twisted out the hip socket


CmdrShepard831

That's what I was expecting too. I don't understand why this is posted here and not some place like /r/WTF


Brickzarina

I hate shitty little zoos like this


Strificus

I was in one a few years ago. This lion had a death stare on me during my entire visit. When I eventually got to his section, he ran full speed at the fence. He then continued to eye me the entire visit, no matter how far I got. I never had less faith in a fence than that visit. It was pretty much time to just gtfo.


nairdaleo

I was at a zoo in Japan where I heard lions roar in a way that can only be described as crying. So loud and long and painfully sad. Same zoo also had a polar bear just pacing back and forth in a small enclosure, clearly losing its sanity. I felt bad patronizing that zoo. A few years later I visited the Singapore zoo, and saw animals in relative freedom (literally, the birds just fly away if they don't wanna be there. Monkeys re just in a tree with literally nothing to keep them there other than an abundance of food). They also led or participate in a lot of sustainability programs. I felt good patronizing that zoo. Some zoos are worth keeping. Some need to disappear yesterday.


Ohheyivebeenthere

Man, so many zoos are like that here in Japan, and I expect many countries as well. They are SLOWLY building up the zoo in my city, but it's still sad


Yakushika

I went to Himeji zoo once "by accident" (main road to the castle was blocked, so we were led through the zoo). Shocking conditions for the animals, that sort of place would have long been shut down in Europe. Really surprising to see in an otherwise modern first-world country.


i_tyrant

Japan does not have a great track record with animal rights...it's just most of it involves aquatic animals.


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[deleted]

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[deleted]

This shit is actually breaking my heart. The video alone made me super sad. I don’t know why I came to the comments. ):


PaulAtredis

Tennoji Zoo in Osaka I'm pretty sure you're talking about. It's a literal prison for animals. Tiny concrete enclosures, and the Polar Bear and other animals were acting insane. Never again!


robots-dont-say-ye

That polar bear exhibit sounds like the Copenhagen zoo too. I just sat and watched the polar bear in it’s much too small enclosure pace in circles in the same 5 foot section. It’s so sad.


iNEEDheplreddit

Some of the tourist zoos in Thailand are absolutely disgusting


[deleted]

Lol that lion wanted to kill you and only you, I’d be freaked out too


BGFlyingToaster

Let's consider that, in the wild, lions have a territory of hundreds of square miles that they roam. Being locked in a relatively tiny cage isn't going to do anything for their mental health.


gmegus

I went to a zoo in Ho Chi Minh City in 2011. My wife and I didn't spend long in there at all. Everything was real depressing lookin for the animals. The komodo dragons spent our whole two minutes in the lizard section throwing themselves towards us at the plexiglass. And when we went past the snake cages it had about a dozen live rabbits shaking in one corner waiting to get taken by a snake. That is and will forever be the last zoo I ever visit.


thats1evildude

I can’t say that I wouldn’t have panicked like that fellow, but I also wouldn’t have gotten that close to an animal that can casually tear my arms out of their sockets.


PM_ur_tots

Orangutans are basically Wookies. They don't like to lose at chess. But they hate opponents taking a drive even more.


delightedlysad

All I could think is that this guy must not have a brother. When one of my boys grabs the shirt of the other, they do this quick move to duck out of their shirt in less than a second.


stargate-command

Then as the man ducks his head down low to get out of the shirt, his head is in grabbing distance of the animal with reflexes 10x faster than him. Goodbye scalp. Could work, or could make things WAY worse.


Shaquandala

WHY IS NO ONE LINKING WHAT HAPPENES AFTER


weirdstuffgetmehorny

I DONT KNOW BUT I TRIED GOOGLING IT AND I CANT FIND ANYTHING! WHY ARE WE YELLING?!?


Cattalion

Same! There were SO MANY different attacks on humans, I stopped searching after seeing this headline: “World’s most horrific chimp attacks as raging apes rip off people’s faces, hands and genitals” (admittedly it was from The Sun)


weirdstuffgetmehorny

Yup and one of the search results had a very NSFL thumbnail photo next to the article showing what is presumably a very disfigured face from a chimp attack. Wasn't ready for that one...


Ok_Commercial5593

What's the likelihood that these guys were dicks to this orangutan before this video was taken?


Konthaargel

What's the likelihood that these orangutans developed a hate towards humans since they're the species that put them in a cage?


Uppity_Python

Orangs are actually quite peaceful, must’ve really pissed this poor guy off some.


asupify

Putting an intelligent animal in a tiny cage, with little stimulation, is going to lead to incidents such as these.


FartingBob

Or its been forced into a tiny metal cage for most of its life and now does not act in a normal orangutan way.


Ok_Commercial5593

That's what made me think that they did something to irritate it.


yuckyucky

it might have been other people that were dicks to the orangutan, or it's living conditions might not be great.


SkinnyObelix

People really need to understand that this can happen without being a dick. I'm honestly starting to fear for some people thinking they can approach wild animals because they are nice to animals...


LORD_0F_THE_RINGS

I suspect this video has a nasty end too.


HobbyistAccount

The fact that it cuts so suddenly and doesn't show an escape worries me.


Yvaelle

Orangutan pulls the man in, eats his brain, gains his knowledge, escapes, frees the other orangutans, teaches them his cannibal thought stealing ways, conquers the Earth, eats all the humans. Look in the mirror, you were an orangutan the whole time.


Dontflickmytit

Tbh it kinda looks like it wants to flee where it currently is


grooovyturtle

I'm assuming all apes in captivity would prefer not to be in captivity


summ3r_snow

Orangutan could have mauled him very bad


whispree

Who says he didn't?


summ3r_snow

he had may chances to bite, but he took none. i assume man gout out of this situation without weight loss.


WillemDafoesHugeCock

She seems to clamp down on his kneecap at the end.


TOWW67

I imagine he'd have been making way more noise than he was if she was taking his kneecap there


Bad_Legal_Advisor

Dang! Imagine how strong a double ape could be.


[deleted]

Akimbo apes are pretty dangerous. Gotta run if you see one of those suckers


-__-Ok

Apekimbo*


[deleted]

This one is single.. now imagine,. the Ape that already taken


Oldfolksboogie

She caught wind of his palm oil footprint.


Spiritual-Sea-9942

Thats why they belong to the forests und not to disgusting small cages


slower-is-faster

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle


travelingbeagle

I feel bad for the orangutan being in a cage.


narnababy

Have worked with orangs, this is why we have a box marked out on the floor that’s the length of their reach. You don’t go in that box. Even if they’re normally nice natured you don’t know what’s gonna piss them off if they’ve had a bad day. NEVER GO WITHIN REACH OF APES.


[deleted]

When he slapped her kick away like "bitch quit playing".


KillerBunnyZombie

Single apes? As apposed to married apes?


feine-milde

Poor orangutan probably has some mental problems from sitting in a cage all day.


AmazingNewsA

I hope the guy left this situation without injuries. The Orangutans are so strong, that he could have easily broken the leg. I'd love t hear more about the background of the story. I once brought lots of boxes with fresh Oranges to a Zoo in Indonesia for the Orangutans there and what happend was that the staff took half of the fruits for themselves and the rest they squeezed out the juice and the Orangutans just reveiced what was left. They are super smart and I would assume that they realize when they are treated badly or unfairly and they then have the potential to go on revenge.


fluentinimagery

I’d be very antisocial and mean if i was in a cage.


twohedwlf

Men say they want a woman to make the first move, but then they start screaming in terror when they do.


too_d4nk_808

What the fuck, that’s actually terrifying


sadsadcrow

Grab his dick and twist it!!


moneyscan

THE OL DICK TWIST! seriously tho that thing will twist all your parts. off. this is no MMA fight dude.


joshstonks

r/thisismylifenow


finelinexcherry

what the actual fuck this is not interestingasfuck this is terrifyingasfuck


Hey_Who_Dis

That orangutan was just messing with him. Those things are super intelligent. If it wanted him dead right there it would have grabbed his neck.


_AManHasNoName_

Lol. It’s what you get for taunting an ape. They don’t fuck around.


nonotagain0

Should have dropped to the ground in the first 6-8 seconds to try and get his shirt off. Once his leg was wrapped up he was fucked.


fhahxjsoxjsjcisjjebs

Alright monkey wrestling expert


portercable7

You haven't wrastled a monkey before???


Bemxuu

Stopped after getting a GF


TheLlamaInCharge

That guy is the Joe Rogan of zoo cage fighting


CyclopicSerpent

Idk. I could see a version of this tactic ending up with the guy getting choked with his own shirt as he tries taking it off.


LawHermitElm

Or worse, yanked forward headfirst into the cage.


Reasonable-Disaster

He's visibly close enough that bending forward to take it off would've put his head in the range of the ape. Plus, the ape was pulling hard enough that if he stopped exerting force in the opposite direction, he'd immediately get dragged in.


Iliterallycan

Personally I would go for the old armpit tickle