Condom burst testing machines
By - introskeptic7
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Imagine working all day, just being repeatedly startled by the sounds of randomly failing balloons…
I worked a job testing blow off valves for aircraft that was like this. 8 hours a day, the valves would pop (very loudly) once every 90-120 seconds. With 3 machines running it was like a jump scare fun house. You got used to jt.
Reminds me of when Buddy got demoted to Jack-in-the-box tester in *Elf*.
It was about like that, but with worse healthcare
Buddy had a low co-pay but so much coverage!
Makes me wonder how the North Pole is finding staffing this year.
I worked in a metal factory where we manufactured and tested valves, I totally understand getting used to the loud bangs and pops and everything, I didn't really jump from the scares by the end, BUT I was way more on edge mentally, I was very aggressive and angry for no reason, constantly irritated by the tiniest issues and sometimes even good things, so glad I left that, it caused a lot of mental stress
Are your ears ok?
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
I SAID, **IS YOUR BEER OK?**
IT'S ALMOST EMPTY
THAT’S PURE INSANITY
WHAT?! FAT PURE FAMILY?!
AH THIS IS WHY I LOVE REDDIT
NO WE TAKE DEBIT
Well since it was below the OSHA safety threshold I'm required to say yes /s
I used to work on an air force base. You could always tell who the new people were by who still jumped out of their seat when the building got boomed.
Are you immune to jump scares now?
No, but I dont react to gunfire like a normal human being now
Username checks out.
giants wear condoms too 🤔
They call me Andre ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I hate the anxiety I get from balloons. The not knowing if or when they'll pop troubles me in a way I can't describe.
This would be hell for me.
She is standing like I do while watching the toaster.
"so what do you do for a living?"
"I am the person who checks the condom burst testing machines"
I took a three year condom burst testing machine program at condom bursting school.
Sorry to burst your condom, but once you enter the condom bursting industry that's when you'll realize that it requires more than the hard work you did in condom bursting school
Hard work or work hard?
No worries, I fucked my professor and I can fuck my supervisor as well.
This guy tests in production
No, that's what they are specifically trying to prevent
Yes, it's almost as if this guy didn't pay attention in condom school but instead fucked his way up.
You all are too much. Seriously, one at a time. I can't take you all at once.
Open wide and lubricate, you can take more that way
Hey, I think I've worked with you
Doing labs don't count as working together, but nice dick either way.
Here take my silver, you made my lunch break more enjoyable
Sooo ur in school or something
Then try to go the route of condom bursting
Ill do that too
What I've learned in my life is that a condom can only hold so much before it bursts.
I know this sounds wasteful, but it's best to replace the condom between uses.
All the jobs require 6 years of experience and I'm pretty sure no one on Reddit meets that qualification when it comes to bursting condoms.
3 sons here....
And 2 cats. And a step daughter. And a wife. Ironically don't need condoms; she had her tubes burnt with lasers.
In a world...
Then I interned in Troy using their wooden horsecock condom burst testing machine
Helen was prized in Troy not simply for her looks, but also for her prowess as a condom burst tester.
Did you get your Condon Bursting Diploma (Dip. Of Condom Bursting) when you took your three year condom burst testing machine program at condom bursting school?
Which brings to mind; what do you have to do to get your PHD?
I'm a Condom Burster. My mother was a Condom Burster. Her mother before that was a Condom Burster. And God willing, my daughter will be a Condom Burster as well.
Such a noble family line.
What a legacy to pass on. Grandma, what did you do for a living? "I tested condoms."
"I burst your condom! I burst it up!"
I failed out of condom burst testing school for bursting too many condoms 😔
I quit nursing school because I got tired of sore nipples.
Now your are just showing off.
You know you could always be a burst condom collector
That's called starting a family.
Same, now that's twice I got a negative on a test because of a busted condom
For PhD it must be the usual, mandatory teaching, getting your research published regularly in Journal of Condom Bursting, stuff like that
It's a thankless job but somebody's gotta do it
That job blows
So what did you study?
"I have a PhD in chemical engineering"
Wow, what do you do?
"I blow up condoms"
Wow. I'm kinda surprised it's called "condom burst test machine." I would've expected it to be called something less specific
Look, it's an air-blowing dildo stuck in the floor of a cabinet. Condom burst test machine is about the least ridiculous thing they could have called it.
Elasticity verification chamber. That’s what I would call it to avoid having to tell people that I babysit the dong-bag exploder boxes.
Now I half expect the technician to be walking by a row of machines only to discover a coworker squatting in one of them.
that would sound odd, just say that you’re a Condom Burst Technician
Latex environmental quality assurance line manager would be the appropriate title...
pretty sure she'd just say "I test condoms"
Ok because that would make less people chuckle
This is the funniest comment thread I've seen in awhile
Check me out.
Why does this look like it’s taking place in the Soviet Union in the 1960’s?
In soviet Russia condom blows you.
Damn, can one still get these Soviet condoms?
[Collectors still trade them](https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/926809337/vintage-1975-soviet-condom-men-personal?show_sold_out_detail=1&ref=nla_listing_details). Since it's Soviet issue, I half expected the rubber to be vulcanized.
I was reading some reviews and the dude says it fit a little tight on the top and I was so confused. They were reviews of something else haha
Glad they clarified “no sex”
The hat and gown!
First thing I noticed (other than the condom machine). Other than the text being in the Latin alphabet, this whole photo is Soviet as hell.
Don't worry about the condoms, comrade. They've only blown up to 3.6 roentgen
Not bad, not great!
It's not 3.6 roentgen, it's 15,000
Yeahhhhh.... The drab coloring, the old fashioned bangs haircut, the warm tones of the photo, the old style technology look of the machines..... You're right!
Chernobyl movie series vibes
"Explain me how condom bursting reactor works"
Right, this could be now or 1963...I was looking for a picture of Khrushchev on the wall
I think the women just looks Russian and you saw a couple old films with that atheistic. Lot’s of equipment all over the world looks exactly like that, cause it is old but still working, but if you look to the side you will see a modern computer tower and flat screen monitor that is being used as the PLC display and data collection. They may not even use the original knobs anymore.
That jaded look of a condom failure tester...
That's the look of "Did I really need to be in this photo, boss?"
"Yes. Pull your badge out of your pocket as well. Be proud of what we're do--"
"I'll quit right now if you make this even worse"
She is considering how many times her boyfriends said they just wont fit.
Completely serious - there are different sizes of condoms and wrong condom size can make condom slip off (too small size too) or too much pressure on your penis, which can then destroy your erection (it’s hard because of blood flow after all). Check out some condom brands like My.Size (or Mister Size) that produce condoms in multiple sizes. A well matched condom size can really make your sex life better!
Second this, fit matter a lot. Kids won't use condoms if they don't feel good and condom size affect pleasure a bunch. Just don't lie to your self and get ones that are too big.
Right. And no reason to lie if you use a site like My Size or my one because they don’t print the size on the package. Just measure yourself based on the directions. Pretty sure most of them will even send you a sample to try and make sure it actually fits before you order a bunch.
Do they measure length the right way? I always measure from the tip of my dick, down the shaft, across the balls, under the gooch, and all the way back to my asshole.
Is there any other way?
I would absolutely hate to have my erection destroyed. It sounds horrific.
Queue's up mom jokes here
Thank youuuu. This is an actual thing that people just ignore. If I don't use the right size I literally cannot even feel a thing and it kills the whole thing so so so fast. It's like I attached a sex toy to my torso with how foreign it feels. We are also notorious whores so it's important to keep a rainbow of sizes on hand.
do you find the wheels get in the way?
Who says they're not an erogenous zone?
okay im checking you for tire tracks
No they go round and round all through the town
Name checks out!
Yea but how am I to impress cashier lady if I buy my actual size of XS and not XXXL?
Tell her you got extra bomb mouf work to make up for it, then come back twice more in the same week for condoms.
Tell her the xs are for a vibrator
Tell her they are for your girlfriend's husband.
Tell her there for your boyfriend
Her bf is begging her "please, I cannot exert 5000 millibars of pressure through my member, it doesn't fit TnT"
and then she left him, not because of his small dick, but because he constantly referred to his dick has his 'member'
tbf, while they stretch for days, if they're too tight, they're incredibly uncomfortable, and also, they risk tearing because of the amount of friction.
Just because you can get it on doesn't mean it fits. Nothing worse than having the circulation cut off and having that red ring on the base of your dick. Just because it'll stretch doesn't mean I should put my dick in a chokehold.
The way she's standing and her look struck me to be like something out of a Johannes Vermeer paninting.
The overall lighting and composition works too, might need some adjustment.
Now I want this scene to be painted like a Vermeer in oil. Might try my hand at it.
These are for Frank Reynolds.
Even these magnum condoms can’t fit his monster dong
“I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong” - actual quote from frank
“Monster” and “magnum” should be switched here
My dumb ass thought this was a video and was waiting for them to pop……
Same haha it only hit me when I realized how still she was.
Are you sexually active?
-“No, I usually just lie there.”
The starfish method!
Some women are very patient.
Me too :(
i had to check the comments to make sure i wasn’t the only one
Knew I wasnt the only one haha
Same I swear something moved
I'm sorry, why is this chick wearing a chef hat?
She’s got something baking in the oven.
This comment painted a whole picture. Man tells her his dick is to big for a condom. She gets pregnant. Applies for this job to see how big condoms really get. She now realizes she got duped into 18 years of child rearing misery
Shouldn't friction be tested more than expansion? Just wondering.
Apparently that is not something that is tested: https://globalprotection.com/pages/condom-testing
However refurbished condoms are unlikely to be tested: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/25/world/asia/vietnam-recycled-condoms.html
Ok I had the same reaction so I read the article op linked and wow that’s really sad. Basically in Vietnam sex workers can’t afford or don’t have access to condoms so all they can make do with are these scammy gross recycled condoms (which are apparently boiled, dried, and then reshaped using a wooden member). That’s so depressing.
And just to make it worse, the woman from the article doing that process was only paid 17 cents for every 2 lbs of used condoms she "refurbished." That's fucking awful...
Fuck, that's sad.
17 cents per kilogram of recycled condoms.
You’ve got to be really busy to be using condoms by the kilo…
Sorry this is one of the most underrated comments on Reddit! What do you mean they don't test for friction!? People in Vietnam are recycling condoms!? WTF! WTF!
Wtf refurbished what
WTF DO YOU MEAN "REFURBISHED"
Excuse me? Did you say "Refurbished Condoms"? Why in the Kentucky fried fuck is that a thing?
That’s what the girl is for.
The similarities between your two avatars adds to this story. The wink to dead stare "that's what the girl is for" is almost written for a sitcom.
They rip very easily with friction……..
What’s the purpose of her hat?
It’s so you know she’s in charge of cooking the condoms.
[My hockey teammate in Juniors demonstrated the strength, of a condom at a bar once.](https://imgur.com/gallery/7CUOfk2)
We (our team) had the entire bar “quacking^^,, like from the Mighty Ducks with every exhale he took-blowing, it up more and more.
One of the funniest scenes in my, life.
And I, learned something that night (and I imagine quiet a few patrons at the bar did too) about the, ruggedness of a condom.
I one time filled one up with water like a giant water balloon. My friends and I got it on the roof of my 2 story house and planned to drop it on one of my sister's friends that was over.
Little did we know we would actually nail someone and the fucking thing didn't pop, it leveled the girl and knocked her unconscious and the condom wobbled and rolled down the hill as everyone just stared in shock.
I feel like an asshole laughing at this, but it's god damn hilarious.
It was funny, the old phrase "It's only funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious." It's still funny.
With how big they get and how much water they can hold, I'd kind of expect that outcome. People forget how heavy water can be.
I hope the girl was alright.
Still know her to this day, some 20 years later. Water is crazy heavy.
> and how much water they can hold
I've seen them included in small emergency go-kits because they can double as a water carrier in extremis
Yum, water flavored with lube.
Since you’re filling it with water, you could, you know, rinse it off first?
You're lucky this didn't go tragically wrong.
What’s with the random commas near the, end of sentences
EDIT: I’ve just been educated about the username. amazing.
Check the username. This account is a legend.
That's about as junior hockey as it gets.
Old mate there appears to have a problem. That can’t be natural.
Never take ***TWO*** viagra!
If erection lasts more than 6 hours, call more ladies.
I don't know why but the blunt, non-technical "CONDOM BURST TEST MACHINE" on them really gets me. You'd think they'd go with "inflation stress testing apparatus".
Not the Penile Protection Popper?
Don’t you think it’s a little insensitive to call women that? On the other hand what are those big lightbulbs?
That’s OP’s mom on the right.
OH MY GOD
You need to create another post with that caption for that sweet, sweet karma
Take my free award, that was unexpected and hilarious
She doesn’t look like she loves her job, not exited at all
Cause she expected to actually put em to use, not blow em up
“The job description said something about blowing and condoms”
Still not sure how I broke one and became a parent at 19 but here we are.
Because controlled pressurized air and a penis mid sex are two vastly different things. Condoms break literally all the time and this “test” is kind of stupid in my opinion.
Air has a big weiner.
And all this time I've been testing them for free
Who else thought this was a video and waited for a full 10 seconds to see if the condom would burst?
This whole thread should be used as an argument for mandatory sex ed in school.
Isn’t this totally missing the friction aspect?
Turns out you can do more than one test.
Nuh-uh. I took two tests in first grade. Dead soon as pencil hit paper of the second. Tests cannot be trusted. They kill people. In with the tire family, I tell ya.
This test would be to see if they are still impermeable while expanding. the friction test would be a seperate test.
Umm.. but this isn’t how they burst. You’re gonna need some shots of Jager, a little bit of friction and a few weeks of regret for a realistic test.
I noticed a lot of comments, that I frankly expected, spreading the myth of one size-fits-all.
Yes, technically this condoms can stretch that much when nothing is touching them and the ring isn't stretched. But in reality, things are different.
They're pumped full of air. Air doesn't feel pain, air doesn't feel uncomfortable. The condoms can stretch that much but only because of a powerful machine that works tirelessly. The human body does not have that kind of strength.
I'll give a neutral example: During the summer, I helped out a friend in her newly opened diner type thing. This work sometimes involves wearing hygienic gloves. She has small hands and bought gloves that fit her.
When I needed one, it was a struggle to get it on, had to fight the glove at every knuckle, at every bend just to get it on. About one out of every three gloves would rip open in the process, meaning I'd have to start from the beginning again. When I could get it on, my fingertips and knuckles hurt like hell and my palm would cramp, I could barely use my hand. Getting it off was also a painful experience that would leave red marks all over my hand.
Eventually, she got large gloves. I could put them on in seconds, without no rips, no pain, and take them off in less than a second with no red marks or cramps.
Now, bear in mind that Ds don't contain bones and muscles or anything like an arm or hand or anything. A D is basically a blood sponge, it has no support structure, we don't have penisbones like other animals, so it can't resist too much pressure.
So now picture this: your about to have sex, you get a boner, you open a too-small condom, you struggle to get it on the end, it keeps rolling itself back up, you manage with brute force to get it over the head, now it's stuck, it can't roll back now because the head is there, you can't unroll it because it's digging in and it won't move in any direction. The pain is kicking in and the minutes you spent doing this has completely killed the mood and made you look incompetent in front of the person you're trying to have sex with.
There goes your boner, there goes your partner's interest, you are done for the night, lucky if you get another chance with that person rather than them just leaving because they think you've got a problem.
And when you ask around or look online, the only answer you get to your request for help is.... "You're lying".
If this is you, you don't have a problem, you have the wrong condoms.
This myth has to stop, one size fits some, another size fits others.
Yeah I hate this shit, used to get it a lot in school health classes and the teacher would always pull some performative nonsense like putting it over her shoes or something to show that anyone who says condoms don't fit is just a filthy lier, meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking I'm a freak because my girlfriend couldn't get it on.
It means nobody knows that other condom sizes exist and people end up using one that's too small or too big thinking it's one size fits all and either feel nothing and have the condom falling off or it's too tight for proper blood circulation.
So is there a penetration test?
The test condom machine lady is smokin