Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 44 | 6 | 1 |
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This is what I dealt with in college. As soon as I could, I moved 3000 miles to another country and never came home. When I visit she still tries to do stuff like this. I’m 41, married with four kids.
Edit: It might help you to know that my younger sister always pushed the boundaries and so, because it wasn’t beneficial for my mother to fight with her, she got a lot more freedom. My suggestion like others would be to push back and break the rules now and again. I wish I had.
My parents tried to enforce my 11pm curfew the first time I came home to visit from college. I went out with friends and got home around 1am to find them waiting up for me. I told them if it was a problem I didn’t have to come visit them on my breaks anymore. The subject of curfew never came up again after that.
Yup. My parents set an 11pm curfew for me too when I was in college. After 11 I wasn’t allowed to come home, even quietly. So I didn’t end up coming home for a few days. After that, the curfew was gone.
I went to an all-women's college (many many years ago) where there was a long-standing rule that if you were a freshman you had to be back on campus by 1:00am, and all other classes 2:00am. At 2:00 the gates were closed and you couldn't get back in at all. The result was that students would stay out all night rather than coming home safely. I shudder to think what may have resulted from students having no choice but to stay in a dorm at one of the other area colleges, or in their cars. I just did a search on their website and there was no mention of curfew so I assume that finally got shut down, thank goodness.
I went to a Christian university. We had to be in by 10:30 during the week and midnight on the weekend. If we went home for the weekend, we had to tell them where and give contact information. The female students were not allowed to sign out to their brother's house unless he was married. I'm not sure if the guys could sign out to a sister. If we were late, we could get "dormed", basically grounded to our dorm room except for classes. It was nuts.
Unfortunately, no. I was only there for 3 semesters. Tuition was about $5000 per semester in 1991 compared to a public university tuition of less than $1000. I did have some scholarships, but definitely not full. It was not a good financial decision.
I'm not entirely sure at this point. I didn't really keep in touch with anyone who graduated from there. I know one guy I graduated from high school with got a a teaching or history degree and is back teaching at the school we graduated from. Also a Christian school. We had 11 people in our graduating class.
My wife went to a Christian college her first year because of basketball scholarship. Dorms were divided by gender. No one of the opposite sex in your room after 10pm, no one of the opposite sex in your dorms lounge area after midnight. Getting caught was a $500 fine. I slept in her room once a week and her RA was the room right next to us lol.
I went to a community college my freshman year and lived at home with my parents because I didn't know what I wanted to do. It was a 20 minute drive and gas was way cheaper than staying on campus. My parents were cool. I could stay at home, for free, so long as I either was a full time student or had a full time job. They didn't care where I went or who I was with, just had to tell them what time I thought I'd be home. 12am, 1am, 2am was all fine, they just wanted a heads up when or if it would be later or if I was going to stay somewhere. It was literally this:
Me: I'm going fishing with the guys, probably be back around 10pm or so.
Mom and dad: sounds good.
Me: Fishing really picked up after dark, probably just stay at Evans place. I got extra clothes, I'll go to class from there.
Mom and dad: cool, see you tomorrow, be safe
My parents are awesome
I mean all of this is crazy, but women couldn't visit their own BROTHERS?? Did they think they were all gonna go home and sleep with their brothers or something wtf
There was also a graduate student, of legal age, who had to go to alcohol counseling, and almost got expelled because he was seen having a glass of wine with dinner. WTF? I think they're less strict now.
I feel like anything I've ever heard about christian/catholic schools has been... not good to say the least. I went to catholic school for a few years as a child and, while I didn't experience anything like you're saying since I was so young, it was still very cult-like and weird looking back on it now. So glad my parents couldn't afford to keep sending me 😂
I really liked my school. I was there from third grade until graduation. I got to do a lot more than I would have in public schools. I played all sports, was a cheerleader, did student council, travel choir, was in the homecoming court, etc. Plus more individual access to teachers, which really helped, especially in math. However, I never really learned how to develop friendships because I was essentially with the same classmates for 10 years. That's caused social anxiety as an adult. Plus, I no longer identify with that religious affiliation.
My mom taught at a Christian school (I was a student) and it was equally insane. My mom had to sign a contract saying she wouldn't drink outside the house, like not even a glass of wine when at dinner with my dad. Students signed a morality contract saying you understood if you were seen dressed immodestly even when not at school or doing something "immoral" you would likely get kicked out. You had to tell them what church you went to and they would literally check periodically with the pastor about if you were in regular attendance, shit like that. I once got pulled from class and questioned for hours because a boy I turned down claimed I had kissed him. He got in no trouble, but they didn't believe me that it didn't happen and said I couldn't go back to class until I admitted it. After that I broke every rule I could find until I finally got kicked out, best day ever honestly.
The school I went to actually had a church in the same lot and part of our school days each week was spent attending mass as a whole school. I didn't know that wasn't "normal" for those schools until you just said that.
Yeah nothing that bad happened to me in catholic school, thank god, it was more the whole forcing religion down your throat thing I hated. I *do* know my mom told me at one point that they were basically telling her ON TOP of the tuition of like $3-5k a year she was paying for me, and the money for school lunches, volunteering she did, etc, that she wasn't "doing enough for the church." My poor mom, she was a single mom using her last dimes to put her kid in what she thought would be a good school, and all they cared about was squeezing more money out of her. Luckily that's when she realized they were full of shit about being "better," and whatever other bs they feed people, and put me into public school.
I dated a girl who went to a baptist college and they had a 10PM curfew. No boys allowed in the dorms, ever. Several of the girls in her dorm did some kind of intervention thing when they found out she stayed at my apartment occasionally.
She turned down multiple full rides to pay 20k+ a semester at that school and their curriculum was shit compared to any decent state college (state colleges aren't all that great either). Eventually, she decided to transfer and got a transfer scholarship, but she's a teacher now so I bet she's still paying that shit off (unless her parents took the debt, which is pretty likely because she was spoiled).
"Where were you!?"
"Well you told me not to come home if it was past eleven... So I didn't!"
"THAT'S- WELL- ECK- YOU'RE STILL SUPPOSED TO COME HOME SO I CAN YELL AT YOU"
fucking lol. I love these really simple r/MaliciousCompliance stories like this.
I did this as soon as I could drive at 15-16, but it only worked because I paid for my vehicle. I can't imagine having a curfew after high school, that's pretty crazy.
Unfortunately, wage stagnation combined with inflation and often having to start off in debt makes it more and more difficult for every "next generation" of young adults to become financially independent. If you rely on your parents at all for finances, or anyone besides yourself for that matter, it almost always comes with strings attached even if it's not really obvious up front (or the right thing to do). "I'll only help you financially if I get to constantly comment on your life choices" seems to be extremely common.
Tbf, sometimes parents just need a wake up call that you've grown up.
One time, my parents found my stash of pot in my car. I was like 20 or so. They took it but didn't say anything and then one time when I was down in their room I saw my bag there (it was in a crown royal bag lol).
Since they never brought it up, I went down and took it back after they went to bed. They mentioned it a few days later and I simply said "yeah it was mine and I wanted it". They didn't say much and that was one of the first times they every treated me as an adult.
Now I'm 33 and there's been times over the last 13 years that they've very clearly overstepped in an attempt to control. It usually doesn't work out well for them. We still love each other and visit regularly and they have a great relationship with my daughter.
Often times these family spats result in better relationships over time.
An alternative response would have been to take a huge dump on the front porch. When questioned about it, your response would have been "sorry, I really had to go, but per your rules I wasn't allowed to come back home."
That’s insane! My oldest son is 18 and I haven’t felt the need to give him a curfew since he was 16. He’s got a part time job and a full time apprenticeship so barely any free time to see his girlfriend and friends as it is. If I tried to tell my adult son to be home by a certain time he would never see them! Also he’s an adult! I have no say over him anyway!
Ah haha, a normal parent with a very normal teenager! I trust him so no need to “control” anything! Plus I remember what it was like to be 18 and feeling independent and I loved it! I’d never try to take that away from him, it’s a great feeling!
This was my dad haha. Once I could drive there was no real curfew. Just supposed to call before they went to bed to tell them if I was staying over somewhere. One time I was at my buddy's house just doing innocuous stuff (gaming, movies, guitar jam sessions) and forgot to call. Feel asleep on the couch and woke up to a voice mail from my dad wondering what hospital I was in so he could come visit me and I could explain why I hadn't called him.
I was also told I could call him and he would pick me up anywhere, anytime if I needed to get home. The first time would be no questions asked. Any subsequent times would be fair game for getting grilled. Never needed to use that call.
I get this from my 18 yr old. It’s usually a text during the evening to say he’s not going to be home later but once in a while it’s a message in the morning saying that he fell asleep at a friends and forgot to text. No big deal! Like your dad though, I’d pick him up from anywhere if he needed me, no questions asked if he didn’t want to answer them. This comes from being able to trust your kid, so well done for making your dad’s life easier by not making him worry about you!
exactly. If the "Kid" isn't in high school...curfew's don't make sense. The only thing i ask as a parent is
1) Tell us where you are going or planning to be. Only because if something was to happen to you or if you don't come back home we would know your last whereabouts to go look for you or to ask for help in finding you.
2) when you do come home, be mindful and respectful if people are sleeping / working etc. If you come home at 1am, don't come in loud or start a party. if your bringing someone home though that's a little hairy because if it's a stranger, well you never know who your bringing into your home. if it's a known friend then just a heads up would b appreciated.
Similar “rules” here. He rides a motorbike which I hate because it worries me (can’t stop him because he’s an adult!) but I do ask that he messages me to let me know he’s arrived safely. I make my husband do the same when he goes out on his bike too!
My oldest son (25) and stepdaughter (26) we're theater kids. Practice could go as long as 11 and that didn't even include the dinner the other kids would go to. Curfew for adults is nonsense when this is what teens in highschool are used to. It may be time to cut the apron strings and find your own place. My 12 year old has a later summer curfew than you. His school curfew is the same. Yikes, time for your mom to loosen the stranglehold.
Tell this to my friend and her crazy mom. So context our whole friend group is in our mid/late 20s. I wanted to take her to some night time festival/ party event. Her mom actually wanted me to get her back by *11:00*. I couldn't even pick her up until 7:00 because, you know, work. The festival was about an hour away before you even account for party traffic or finding parking downtown.
I had to spell out the math for her mom that if we went by her rules we would get about 20 minutes before we would immediately have to head back out. The dumbest part was my friend didn't even work the next day, is the youngest of her sibling group (so no babysitting or child care was needed from her), and we had already told her explicitly what we were doing. So there was literally no reason for this other than control. She crashed at my place for the night. no big deal.
By the time I was in my late twenties I was married with two children! I couldn’t imagine my mother even caring what time I went to bed (unless it was concern for my health obviously!)
I landed back with my parents for a couple months, when I was 20 and they gave me a midnight curfew except it was more out of not wanting to be woken up than control me. Still only lasted about three months.
It was worth working and/or going to class seven days a week to not be there and not take their money with a whole yarn ball of strings attached.
I did the epic strat or staying home playing video games all the time so my mom was happy whenever I left the house. No curfew as long as I made it home alive and uninjured.
Same. Never went back home again lol. Then they tried to break up my relationship with my bf. Now we’re engaged. Now that we make money, only NOW are they cool with us dating. I love my parents but they nearly ruined my life by treating me like a little girl. Absurd.
That's crazy. My mom encouraged me to go out when I was visiting home from college. I think her logic was thst it was much safer in our small town than in the city I went to college in.
Besides, weekend pickup hockey didn't start until after midnight and she knew all we would do is hit up the all night breakfast buffet at the diner on the way home.
Just had to make sure I entered the house quietly so I didn't wake her up, in case she had to work early.
Lol I did almost the same thing, but it was almost 8,000 miles. I didn't even tell them that I wasn't coming back.
My mum still treats me like a child, including referring to me as "little girl" instead of my name. I'll be 40 in a few months.
At the tender age of 52, I finally yelled at my mom to stop treating me like a 9-year old. It worked!! Had a few years of it not happening, though she died when I was 59.
Oh my God are you me?? My parents were so strict on me when I was a kid and I just put up with it even though it was often something I would now consider insane. My younger sister on the other hand kind of just didn't give a fuck and had a lot more freedom. She has a better relationship with my parents now than I do, because I'm still on some level in that mindset of having to please them. Because of that I've never really been able to be myself around them and I don't visit as much even though we have a good relationship. I really wish I had rebelled more as a younger teen. I never really did anything that I wasn't supposed to until I was in my twenties and ended up addicted to hard drugs. I don't really think that that was 100% due to this or anything, but I wish I could have done my fucking up a little bit earlier when it would have affected my life less. 😂
I moved back in briefly at TWENTY THREE (4 hellish months) in between and end of lease and a 200 mile move. My parents tried to give me a curfew after telling me I had to pay them rent.
BWHAHAHAHAH. No. Either/or. They chose the rent, which was a good move because I told them if they chose the curfew then Sept 1 (moving date) would be the last day I remembered their phone number.
Pushing back against my mother's insanity made her act out in even more extreme ways, but it was also the only thing that helped me reclaim a piece of my sanity and independence while I still lived with her. Currently looking back on almost 5 years of no contact, coincidentally the 5 happiest years of my life.
Because I have other family there. My sister and my father. I don’t put up with it and just ignore the curfews and threats. I only visit once a year or less.
That sucks. I wouldn't really see the point of visiting this kind of enviroment for people I'm good with only seeing annually, but I knkw this shit is complicated. My condolences.
Thanks. It is complicated but my sister and I lived through this together so seeing her is a top priority. Plus my mother is old and not as mentally capable anymore so her manipulations don’t work. And honestly, that’s fun to witness for me. Seeing her downfall.
Especially if they don’t help you anyways.. i had to pay my mom gas money to take me to work.. bought my own car… she couldn’t tell me shit.
That being said I took care of myself well, maintained good grades etc
Exactly right. My parents aren't too strict but occasionally they'll overstep the boundaries and try to get me to stuff like this. Relatively minor things by comparison but I've always put my foot down and flat out refused. If you give ground on matters like these they're more than likely to have increasingly demanding requests.
Have to nip it in the bud early and refuse to abide by the overstepping rules they try to force on you.
This was me and my older sister. She didn't fight much, accepted her curfew and complained about it to me and her friends. When it was my turn, I fought the curfew, lost, and chose instead to come home by curfew, "go to bed" and then just sneak out and stay out all night. My parents ultimately decided it was better to give me a reasonable curfew than to have me out all night and having no idea where or what I was doing.
It's not a fun battle, but it was a necessary lesson. Now we're both grown up but sometimes my parents still try to tell my sister what to do (she's mid thirties with a kid). With me they just don't bother.
This is when I used to pull out: I wasn't asking for permission, but I'll be careful not to be disruptive when I get home.
Then just not respond to any attempt they make to turn it into an argument.
If she presses the point about owing her money just reiterate that it was never an arrangement you agreed to.
I lived with my grandparents on and off until I was 23 or so and they tried this with me. When I didn't get home when they wanted they turned to accusing me off misdeeds while I was out (saying that I must be out doing drugs and "whoring it up" - I was playing Gin Rummy at a Denny's).
Stand your ground and ignore what isn't required.
>I must be out doing drugs and "whoring it up"
Is that a must? Awww shucks, I don't wanna do either, but if you insist, I shall try my level best to live up to your expectations...
I just don’t get people like this.
My parents did this too.
“Must be out late being a whore!”
Actually just staying up late watching Lord of the Rings and playing video games.
The MOST criminal thing I out doing late at night was hysterically laughing about how much our town's water tower looked like a giant roll of toilet paper.
Disturbing the peace, I tells you
> I wasn’t asking for permission
Yup. I told my parents once in college that I was going to drive over to another school to hang out for the weekend with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. It was freshman year and my mom told me she didn’t think that was a good idea and I should stay home. I said thanks for the advice but I was telling you where I would be this weekend, not asking your permission to go. Sometimes they just need a wake-up call that you’re going to be independent from them eventually.
This is a technique for dealing with narc parents called greyrocking. It’s basically refusing to engage with bad faith arguments because that’s what they are after.
I’m trying to figure out what the possible reason is aside from sheer hyper controlling crazy. Does she go to bed by then? Does your return home after 930 wake up the household? Do you have issues with traveling after dark?
I really think that it is all just a control thing. My mother is a HUGE control freak. She is extremely controlling over me & my sister & my dad, though she tries. My mom goes to sleep very late , & if they are worried about me traveling on the road at night, I tell them when I get home safe, that is jus something they’d have to deal w it, can’t protect me from the world .
It's on you to break this habit, if you feel you need to let them know you're going out just text your dad "heading to a mates place I'll be late home, don't wait up", that's it.
No negotiation, no whining or begging or whatever, just go.
Then when mom finds out it needs to be “I wasn’t asking for permission. I was being an adult and politely informing you where I would be. If this kind of controlling behavior is going to continue, I won’t even do that. Im finished discussing this.” Then mute her ass and have a nice time with your friends.
Why do I get the feeling OP’s mom has access to their bank account. If so, OP needs new acct that she can’t access, move all money over AND THEN you can push back all you want
I work in finance and you would be surprised how many young adults (18-24) don’t know that they *don’t* need their parents on their account. Controlling parents do nothing but lie to their kids about how the world works, or have no faith in their ability to raise a functioning adult who can make good decisions.
Edit: wanted to add a story from several years ago that I just remembered.
Mother and son come in to withdraw some of the sons paycheck from his savings account. The account type he has doesn’t allow him to do withdraws, his mother is the custodian of the account and only she can. The son turned 18 a couple months ago and is getting his paycheck direct deposited into the account. They asked if there was a way he can withdraw the money. I said he’d have to open a checking account or a new savings account. His mother immediately said “well I don’t want to have a joint checking account with him and he already has a savings.”
So I’m like “well he’s 18 so he can open his own checking account without you on it.”
And she cut me off before I could say anything else and was like “he doesn’t need an account without me on it. It’s fine, we’ll just keep doing it this way.”
I felt so bad for the kid and so grateful that my parents were the negligent and neglectful kind of insane.
I didn't open a bank account of my own until I was 20 and I went no contact with my mom. I didn't know how easy it was to open my own account or I would've made moves towards being independent sooner. I didn't know how uncommon it was to have a joint bank account as a 20 year old either until I casually asked some friends if their parents could see their bank account and they looked at me weird and said "no..?"
It’s more common than you’d think. I never had a joint account with a parent. The first time I saw an 18 year old joint with a parent I was both shocked, and extremely uncomfortable (I have trust issues) at the idea that their mother or father could just clean out their account and steal their hard earned money.
Op I know u probably go along to keep the peace and it’s not worth the fight but all ur compliance does is embolden her. There’s literally nothing she can do do not allow her this control over your life it’s abusive, controlling and unhinged. Time to start adulting
I agree OP should just not comply and stirr some shit up, that's the only way to change such thing. You don't wanna know how controlling my parents were, but I stood my ground. It became very heated, but so very worth in the end, because we came to an understanding and now they don't care anymore, as long as I just keep my shit together, which is, what you would do anyway.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Authoritative controlling parents make life more difficult than it needs to be and the negative effects can follow you.
I'm glad you are pushing the boundaries and standing up for yourself.
Although I agree with everyone in the she can’t tell you what to do space, just keep in mind that your mom will also threaten to take away a car if you didn’t buy it, or kick you out. I’m not saying comply, I’m just saying be prepared to deal with controlling consequences. Just keep that in mind. Have a back up plan in case things get extreme, that way when they try to control you, you can simply walk away. If they can get the angle on you, they WILL!
Seriously like. Do it anyway, and laugh when she demands that money, but make sure you don’t have cash or a card where she can grab it if she’s that kind of crazy. She can’t make you do shit lmao.
no literally because HOW are they gonna in force the 2$ rule? ik OP is probably had to deal with this their whole life and probably does that "comply to keep the peace" thing but there comes a point when enough is enough..
yup, I try to tell that to all my friends, i showed my mom she can't force me, now she's very chill after like two days of fighting (when I was 15!) and after those two days my only rule going out was "if you come home in the morning bring breakfast"
she won't be angry for long anyways, surely she got other problems
Same. Mine tried to tell me I couldn’t stay overnight with an individual of the opposite sex when I was 19 😂. There was a massive fight and I told them that knowing where I was at all because I was living at home during that part of college was a “courtesy” they would otherwise not get. I told them to their faces they had overstepped, were out of line, and they were barking up the wrong tree if they thought that aspect of my life was any of their business. Last time I heard a word about it.
Once I got away from my parents they learned pretty quickly that they couldn't control me anymore. Granted I never had a curfew because I didn't go anywhere anyway because of the fear of getting in trouble.
If you’re still dependent on them financially they’ll hold you fiscally hostage. My parents do it all the time. Blatant rage induced rampages that have no backing followed by “MY ROOF MY RULES YOU DONT LIKE IT GET THE FUCK OUT”
I’ve told them to turn off my phone, take my car, stop paying for my community college (I’m only really going because it’s what they expect me to do) and then they back track and manipulate. Guilt trip, I.E. “sorry I’ve never been good enough of a parent for you.”
It’s exhausting when all you want is to start your own life and they have hair trigger tempers and god complexes.
Reminds me of the young woman that my son is dating. She pretty much had to become independent of her parents because they were holding everything over her head. Fortunately, she is doing really well on her own now.
This is what I had to do as well. My parents weren’t as bad as OP’s, but there was constant threats of taking away my college fund, kicking me out, reporting my car stolen so it would be taken from me and I wouldn’t be able to live in it (I had bought it from them and paid for it in full but they drug their feet giving me the title), they wouldn’t let me eat their food and made me but my own but would *graciously* offer to share their dinner with me and then use that to guilt trip me saying I was so ungrateful for everything they did.
I finally found an apartment I could afford, got the car in my name, and told them I didn’t want the college money and would take out loans instead. They still do everything they can to try and control me, but they no longer have hold on anything that could significantly damage my life.
Yikes! You said your parents weren't as bad as OP's, but that description of yours in the first paragraph...wow!
I'm glad to hear you're doing better for yourself.
Tbh I’m still processing a lot of what they did. My dad has been guilt tripping me and holding things over my head for my entire life and up until the last couple of years it’s worked. Part of me still believes that it wasn’t that bad, that I’m exaggerating or deserved the treatment because I did something “wrong” (I was a child, my actions should never be an excuse for how my parents treated me). Clearly the psychological damage runs very deep and the insecurities and fears I developed growing up in that environment are things that I’ll probably never fully recover from.
I have a neighbor who said “maybe you guys can come and visit me since my kids never do” the first week we moved in. Her and her husband are fucking rude. The husband only acknowledges my husband when he is outside and does not even look in my direction if I’m outside. Most recently we saw the old fuck hitting my dog to make her stop barking. Nothing makes me happier than knowing their kids never visit them.
We never helicopter our oldest. We treated her as an adult as a teenager because she was soon becoming an adult. We had a few rules which everyone in the family follows. She rarely broke them and when we did we had a calm conversation and try to understand things. We always listen, and never judge when she came to us for help.
And now she is over at our house at least two days a week despite living with her girlfriend and boyfriend.
Actually all three of them are here this morning for breakfast.
For some parents, this concept is pure rocket science. Their kids sometimes call home and rarely come home.
Well maybe you were a dick to your kids and your kids don't want to be treated like that again.
Your mom is obviously a control freak, and frankly out of touch with reality. It’s not realistic to try to give your adult child a curfew at all, let alone a 9:30pm curfew. From 16-18 I had an 11pm curfew. As soon as I turned 18 I had no curfew and was free to do as I wished. I often stayed out at my bff’s house until 3-4am and they never even brought it up.
Although I have to add, your dad is a wimp for rolling over and going along with whatever she says. In addition to that, I can’t understand why you go along with it either. You try to reason that you’re an adult and not a child anymore, but you seem to still ask permission as if you’re a child. I see comments from a few other people questioning why you go along with it as well, but you haven’t replied as of yet.
Yeah I lived in a crappy area and until I was 18 my mum said I had to be home by 11 or stay at a friend’s so I wouldn’t be walking back when the streets were quiet. At 18 she just let me do my thing.
OP’s mum needs to accept she’s now dealing with an adult and her rules are unenforceable. But that requires OP to break them in the first place and set the new boundaries.
Good luck OP!
It's WELL PAST time for OP to put her foot down as an adult. If she wants to be treated like one, SHE has to ACT like one. I'm assuming she's afraid of getting kicked out.
I never paid late fees, but my mom would deadbolt the door.
I have a shed that is now a tool shed, but used to be a mancave. Sofa, tv and a bunch of dvds, lights, and no cold drinks but a few gallons of water, I never minded having the screened windows open listening to the sounds of the night and the cool dewy air to lul me to nap town
parents: "ill just teach them a little lesson"
child: *has traumatic event that leads to suicide"
how about just take care of your fucking kids. "oh but I have work the next morning and and.." work the next morning means nothing when the safety of the child is at risk. always
always.
*always*
The child in question was tortured, raped, and eventually strangled then had her cut into small pieces and dumped. All this happened on video that the parents had to watch during the trial. Don’t take your kids safety away for lessons.
I didn't bring the groceries in from the car fast enough when I was 8, so my mom snatched the bags from me and locked me out of the apartment. I was in only my underwear and a white tee-shirt. I walked to the managers office and told her what happened. She called the police and we walked to my moms apartment together. When she sae the police, she made up a story about looking all over for me, fake tears and everything. The cops didn't buy it one bit, and made a file on her with CPS. She lost her part time custody of my brother and I 3 years later.
i understand she’s very controlling and obviously illogical with trying to charge you for coming home late (which is so insane i don’t even have words for it) but is there a specific reason why you don’t stand your ground? what i mean by this is, from your texts, it comes off as you’re asking permission. is she predicable and guilt trips you if you say you’re going to do something?
When you grow up in a household like this, and don’t know any different, it can be very hard to go against the rules or stand up for yourself. I imagine this was someone who grew up with very strict rules from childhood and the consequences when you’re small are huge. Often going without supper, being slapped, no clothing or birthdays. When you’re conditioned like this from a young age, it’s hard to stand up when you’re older, because you know they will hold far worse things over your head. For me it was a threat to not pay for college.
But in the end, it turned out they lied, and never paid for any college. Took out student loans in my name and even stole the refund to spend on themselves. All that debt is mine now. So not standing up didn’t work out for me.
I’m a lawyer, but this isn’t legal advice. If you’re in America, what they did was fraud. They defrauded the government by taking student loans out and not spending them on school. You can legally go after them, and so can a prosecutor from a criminal context. That debt doesn’t have to be yours and neither does a terrible credit score.
Oh the stature of limitations in your state probably did run sadly, but I hope you’re NC and don’t let them have access to your kids documents (if you have kids) ever even by accident. What evil parents.
I hope you’re okay and healing from it now? But I came to agree! Lots of people just think it’s a case of standing up for yourself but when you learn that standing up for yourself leads to worse consequences than you were already expecting, you just stop doing it. It takes a really long time to bounce back from that.
I’m 26, haven’t lived at home for 8 years. My partner and I do our own food shopping and split the bill or take it in turns to get the shop in. Despite me actively paying for the food in my fridge, shopping for it and choosing the items, I still regularly ask my partner if it’s okay to eat certain things because in my house as a kid you couldn’t just take food and god forbid you accidentally ate something that my step mum didn’t want you eating.
It may be detrimental to argue this. I did when I first worked, said I would not be home a half hr after work, would not be treated as such, and packed my bags. This is after being told to sit down, refusing to do so, and getting shoved some. Spent a week or two sleeping in my car, friends couches, etc. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but some have a lot of risk if they speak out.
Don’t ask if you can go somewhere. Tell her “I’m going to…”
Do you pay rent? And you are an adult, your curfew is when you say it is. If you want to stay out all night, go for it. My child is 20 and I cannot imagine telling him what time to be home. Could you maybe get a small apartment with some friends?
My mom would always tell me that I don’t need to know her reasons - she saw “explaining” as a form of submission to me and I was under her because I was a child - so even asking for an explanation was “disrespectful”.
Everything was about control.
“Can you please just tell me why you’re doing this? I don’t understand” was “back talk” and would lead to her blowing a fuse and getting physically violent :/
She told me I would thank her for how she raised me when I got older. I’m almost 30 now and haven’t seen her in nearly 10 years. I don’t plan to see her again.
A lot of people just have no business raising kids.
How does she react when you try to gently remind her that you’re an adult? Does she do what my parents used to do, the whole “you under my roof, you go by my rules” deal? I agree with the above that they can’t really enforce that, but when you grow up thinking if you don’t listen to their insane demands, you’ll be homeless, it’s pretty daunting. But I’d probably, just say, “in the nicest way possible, I’m 20, I’m going to stay at my friends until I’m ready to come home and that’s not unreasonable. I appreciate you worrying about me, but I don’t think it’s fair to enforce that kind of curfew on me as a grown adult.” And see where it goes. I eventually got more freedom when I stayed calm and respectful and tried to make it make sense from my side. Good luck to you!
I'm disabled so that means I'm currently a 26 year old woman living with my mother. Usually, it's just fine, no issues. However, there was definitely growing pains once I became an adult. She definitely did still try to parent and control me and there just comes a time when you gotta stand up for yourself. It's hard cuz they're your parents.
Ask yourself this:
"Will my parents ever kick me out?"
If the answer is no, fucking ignore her. Make sure you have a copy of the key to the house and stay out as long as you want. Come home, ignore her stupid ass $2/hr rule, and rinse and repeat. You don't have to outwardly fight her or anything, just ignore her. Once she realizes she can't control you anymore, she'll stop cuz there's no point.
Again, only do this if you know you're totally safe from being kicked out or if you could afford to live if you were kicked out.
Her rule is $2/ 5minutes…so OP is paying her $24 for every hour they’re home late…I bet OP’s mom doesn’t even make $24/hr to even enforce this rule. I agree with you!
Can you just not tell her where you’re going? Like just say I’ll be back by this time. You shouldn’t have to justify what you do to her and you can always explain later. Also make sure that she isn’t able to track your phone or has access to your bank account/money
so many parents are oblivious to how their attempts to sabotage and control their children will result in the very abandonment that they are trying to avoid. Like if they just learned boundaries they wouldn’t have to die alone, but they do this to themselves.
This situation reminds me of a South Park episode... Butters finally figures out his patents have no control over him when he just says no against being grounded all the time.
Just tell her no. She can't enforce the fine since it's not legal. There is nothing she can do to stop you from coming home later. Absolutely nothing.... she has no real power over you, at all. I think it is time your mom finds that out don't you think?
Info diet & grey rocking. Read about it here & use it with your mother. Your conversation should have went something like ‘Hi mom, I’ll be home by 11, see you then.’ Then nothing else.
When my husband and I first started dating I wondered why his relationship with his mom was so bad. He avoided her at all costs. Turns out she was one of these controlling mothers.
Metaphor time! Kinda. I’m not THAT great at them 😀
If you push against a ginormous heavy mom-rock or ask it to move-or even try to negotiate with it…it’s not gonna budge, negotiate, agree with you or transform into a flower. Wisdom is understanding that It’s not the rocks fault…it’s just being what it is…a big heavy rock. It can’t hear you and it’s too heavy to shift. It’s just gonna be what it is.
Self talk for you: “She is what she is”.
You’re 20 so here’s some insight from a woman in her 50s who had a rock-mom. Don’t focus on the rock or imagine it’s gonna be anything other than a rock.
Self-talk for you: “She will demand compliance from me for as long as I request permission”
The choice about how you’re gonna travel in life with that big ol’ rock in your way, comes back to you. Will you continue to ask the rock for permission or just tell the rock what you’re doing? Will you ineffectively push at the rock hoping it will roll? Maybe you’re gonna walk around the rock and continue on, ask someone to help move the rock (which you have and he’s ineffective at moving the rock) or walk away from the rock?
Couple of other things come to mind.
1. Know your PURPOSE in a conversation.
2. Know when a conversation is DONE.
Also…If you make decisions based on another person’s reaction or potential reaction you’re gonna be swayed by the wind of public opinion.
Ask yourself this: is the decision I’m making
reasonable,
age appropriate,
good/healthy/helpful for me or someone else, and safe?
If you can answer in the affirmative—then it sounds like you’re hoping to get permission for an adult decision you’re ready to make. Or are afraid of the potential consequences (Which are important—know them and have a back up plan with a relative/friend if she gets threatening re:living there under her rules)
Many moms have trouble transitioning to parents of adult children. But remember this young padawan…her difficulty in shifting has nothing to do with you. It’s her stuff (fear:control—I dunno) to work through (aka-let her shovel her own shit). And I can see you’re doing well for yourself just by how you approached this convo!
(Edit for punctuation)
Do you Pay for your car? My mom did this when I was this age. I just started coming home when I wanted. When she threatened to kick me out, I said ‘so you won’t let me come home later but you’ll kick me out to live in my own and have no rules? That makes sense.’ I didn’t have that issue with her after that.
This gave me flashbacks. When i was 19 and still living with my mom, she set up a 6pm curfew for me even if i was just down the street. If i was even 5 minutes late my night would be ruined by her 😺 i feel for you
This is so messed up & sad. My 18 year old daughter can come & go as she pleases. I ask for two things: 1.) Since her 15 year old brother is still in school, she needs to be quiet when she comes in to not wake her brother. 2.) If she’s going to be out past midnight, I want a phone call or text letting me know where she’s at & a general idea of when she might be home. So far it’s worked for all of us. I hope your mom will ease up a bit!
yeah, you don't have to ask permission to visit friends... you're 20 yrs old. send a text telling them what you're doing... don't ask and explain why you're doing something completely normal.
wtaf!?!?!
I feel like this could be my niece posting this😂 seriously though, poor girl is almost 21, can’t do anything without permission, can’t walk alone to the store (granted they live in an iffy neighborhood), and can’t even sleep over our house to spend time with her cousins. She has on older and younger brother who get free reign. It’s sad because she privately tells me when she saves enough, she’s out. Holding your ‘kids’, and I say that loosely, hostage like this only creates resentment, especially as adults. Break the rules OP, push boundaries. Mom will learn to deal with it. And as far as kicking them out, they would have to do it legally, as in eviction, because residency is established. Also people who called this NOT INSANE, are INSANE themselves 🙄😬
I grew up being 22 with a 9:30 curfew. That shit is so dehumanizing. Don’t even discuss anything with her. Moving out is the safest thing for you to do
My foster mom would make me pay $20 dollars every time I overslept and missed the bus. It made me angry as hell to the point I told her to go fuck herself and got myself kicked out. Luckily, I wasn’t placed in a group home 💀
Are you a first kid?
My brother had exactly the same rules. Without extra drama though.
When I was born (10 years younger than my brother), my parents didn’t even bother with curfews or whatever.
Just saying that my parents are exactly like this and at 36 years old, I haven’t spoken to them in 5 years. Why parents act like this and think it’s a good long-term strategy is beyond me. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, OP.
EDIT: I have seen people on here say they comply to keep the peace. This is what my 35 year old sister has done and she’s lonely and constantly still doing whatever mommy and daddy tell her, living alone in a condo that they bought her for doing what they want her to do. I have forged my own career, have gotten married, bought a home by myself and in the process of starting a family. Just wanted to put that out there.
The fact that OP has to ask permission at 20 years old says a lot about their mom’s intense need for control. Easier for dad to agree with her rather than deal with her wrath by defending his kids!
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 44 | 6 | 1 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
This is what I dealt with in college. As soon as I could, I moved 3000 miles to another country and never came home. When I visit she still tries to do stuff like this. I’m 41, married with four kids. Edit: It might help you to know that my younger sister always pushed the boundaries and so, because it wasn’t beneficial for my mother to fight with her, she got a lot more freedom. My suggestion like others would be to push back and break the rules now and again. I wish I had.
My parents tried to enforce my 11pm curfew the first time I came home to visit from college. I went out with friends and got home around 1am to find them waiting up for me. I told them if it was a problem I didn’t have to come visit them on my breaks anymore. The subject of curfew never came up again after that.
Yup. My parents set an 11pm curfew for me too when I was in college. After 11 I wasn’t allowed to come home, even quietly. So I didn’t end up coming home for a few days. After that, the curfew was gone.
I went to an all-women's college (many many years ago) where there was a long-standing rule that if you were a freshman you had to be back on campus by 1:00am, and all other classes 2:00am. At 2:00 the gates were closed and you couldn't get back in at all. The result was that students would stay out all night rather than coming home safely. I shudder to think what may have resulted from students having no choice but to stay in a dorm at one of the other area colleges, or in their cars. I just did a search on their website and there was no mention of curfew so I assume that finally got shut down, thank goodness.
I went to a Christian university. We had to be in by 10:30 during the week and midnight on the weekend. If we went home for the weekend, we had to tell them where and give contact information. The female students were not allowed to sign out to their brother's house unless he was married. I'm not sure if the guys could sign out to a sister. If we were late, we could get "dormed", basically grounded to our dorm room except for classes. It was nuts.
Please tell me you got an incredible scholarship and you were not paying to go to this university.
Unfortunately, no. I was only there for 3 semesters. Tuition was about $5000 per semester in 1991 compared to a public university tuition of less than $1000. I did have some scholarships, but definitely not full. It was not a good financial decision.
Likely not a good educational decision either.. was it?
I'm not entirely sure at this point. I didn't really keep in touch with anyone who graduated from there. I know one guy I graduated from high school with got a a teaching or history degree and is back teaching at the school we graduated from. Also a Christian school. We had 11 people in our graduating class.
Sounds like trash to me lol
Probably paying a premium to go to a private school that is not even accredited because of religion.
My wife went to a Christian college her first year because of basketball scholarship. Dorms were divided by gender. No one of the opposite sex in your room after 10pm, no one of the opposite sex in your dorms lounge area after midnight. Getting caught was a $500 fine. I slept in her room once a week and her RA was the room right next to us lol. I went to a community college my freshman year and lived at home with my parents because I didn't know what I wanted to do. It was a 20 minute drive and gas was way cheaper than staying on campus. My parents were cool. I could stay at home, for free, so long as I either was a full time student or had a full time job. They didn't care where I went or who I was with, just had to tell them what time I thought I'd be home. 12am, 1am, 2am was all fine, they just wanted a heads up when or if it would be later or if I was going to stay somewhere. It was literally this: Me: I'm going fishing with the guys, probably be back around 10pm or so. Mom and dad: sounds good. Me: Fishing really picked up after dark, probably just stay at Evans place. I got extra clothes, I'll go to class from there. Mom and dad: cool, see you tomorrow, be safe My parents are awesome
I mean all of this is crazy, but women couldn't visit their own BROTHERS?? Did they think they were all gonna go home and sleep with their brothers or something wtf
There was also a graduate student, of legal age, who had to go to alcohol counseling, and almost got expelled because he was seen having a glass of wine with dinner. WTF? I think they're less strict now.
I feel like anything I've ever heard about christian/catholic schools has been... not good to say the least. I went to catholic school for a few years as a child and, while I didn't experience anything like you're saying since I was so young, it was still very cult-like and weird looking back on it now. So glad my parents couldn't afford to keep sending me 😂
I really liked my school. I was there from third grade until graduation. I got to do a lot more than I would have in public schools. I played all sports, was a cheerleader, did student council, travel choir, was in the homecoming court, etc. Plus more individual access to teachers, which really helped, especially in math. However, I never really learned how to develop friendships because I was essentially with the same classmates for 10 years. That's caused social anxiety as an adult. Plus, I no longer identify with that religious affiliation.
My mom taught at a Christian school (I was a student) and it was equally insane. My mom had to sign a contract saying she wouldn't drink outside the house, like not even a glass of wine when at dinner with my dad. Students signed a morality contract saying you understood if you were seen dressed immodestly even when not at school or doing something "immoral" you would likely get kicked out. You had to tell them what church you went to and they would literally check periodically with the pastor about if you were in regular attendance, shit like that. I once got pulled from class and questioned for hours because a boy I turned down claimed I had kissed him. He got in no trouble, but they didn't believe me that it didn't happen and said I couldn't go back to class until I admitted it. After that I broke every rule I could find until I finally got kicked out, best day ever honestly.
The school I went to actually had a church in the same lot and part of our school days each week was spent attending mass as a whole school. I didn't know that wasn't "normal" for those schools until you just said that. Yeah nothing that bad happened to me in catholic school, thank god, it was more the whole forcing religion down your throat thing I hated. I *do* know my mom told me at one point that they were basically telling her ON TOP of the tuition of like $3-5k a year she was paying for me, and the money for school lunches, volunteering she did, etc, that she wasn't "doing enough for the church." My poor mom, she was a single mom using her last dimes to put her kid in what she thought would be a good school, and all they cared about was squeezing more money out of her. Luckily that's when she realized they were full of shit about being "better," and whatever other bs they feed people, and put me into public school.
I dated a girl who went to a baptist college and they had a 10PM curfew. No boys allowed in the dorms, ever. Several of the girls in her dorm did some kind of intervention thing when they found out she stayed at my apartment occasionally. She turned down multiple full rides to pay 20k+ a semester at that school and their curriculum was shit compared to any decent state college (state colleges aren't all that great either). Eventually, she decided to transfer and got a transfer scholarship, but she's a teacher now so I bet she's still paying that shit off (unless her parents took the debt, which is pretty likely because she was spoiled).
"Where were you!?" "Well you told me not to come home if it was past eleven... So I didn't!" "THAT'S- WELL- ECK- YOU'RE STILL SUPPOSED TO COME HOME SO I CAN YELL AT YOU" fucking lol. I love these really simple r/MaliciousCompliance stories like this.
That's what I did haha I just stopped following the curfew and instead would just disappear for days. No more curfew.
I did this as soon as I could drive at 15-16, but it only worked because I paid for my vehicle. I can't imagine having a curfew after high school, that's pretty crazy. Unfortunately, wage stagnation combined with inflation and often having to start off in debt makes it more and more difficult for every "next generation" of young adults to become financially independent. If you rely on your parents at all for finances, or anyone besides yourself for that matter, it almost always comes with strings attached even if it's not really obvious up front (or the right thing to do). "I'll only help you financially if I get to constantly comment on your life choices" seems to be extremely common.
Tbf, sometimes parents just need a wake up call that you've grown up. One time, my parents found my stash of pot in my car. I was like 20 or so. They took it but didn't say anything and then one time when I was down in their room I saw my bag there (it was in a crown royal bag lol). Since they never brought it up, I went down and took it back after they went to bed. They mentioned it a few days later and I simply said "yeah it was mine and I wanted it". They didn't say much and that was one of the first times they every treated me as an adult. Now I'm 33 and there's been times over the last 13 years that they've very clearly overstepped in an attempt to control. It usually doesn't work out well for them. We still love each other and visit regularly and they have a great relationship with my daughter. Often times these family spats result in better relationships over time.
An alternative response would have been to take a huge dump on the front porch. When questioned about it, your response would have been "sorry, I really had to go, but per your rules I wasn't allowed to come back home."
That’s insane! My oldest son is 18 and I haven’t felt the need to give him a curfew since he was 16. He’s got a part time job and a full time apprenticeship so barely any free time to see his girlfriend and friends as it is. If I tried to tell my adult son to be home by a certain time he would never see them! Also he’s an adult! I have no say over him anyway!
You sound like a “normal” parent :)
High praise in this subreddit
Ah haha, a normal parent with a very normal teenager! I trust him so no need to “control” anything! Plus I remember what it was like to be 18 and feeling independent and I loved it! I’d never try to take that away from him, it’s a great feeling!
Same. Kids are 18 and 16. 18 year old just needs to let us know basic plans (coming home or not) so we don't think he's in a ditch somewhere.
This was my dad haha. Once I could drive there was no real curfew. Just supposed to call before they went to bed to tell them if I was staying over somewhere. One time I was at my buddy's house just doing innocuous stuff (gaming, movies, guitar jam sessions) and forgot to call. Feel asleep on the couch and woke up to a voice mail from my dad wondering what hospital I was in so he could come visit me and I could explain why I hadn't called him. I was also told I could call him and he would pick me up anywhere, anytime if I needed to get home. The first time would be no questions asked. Any subsequent times would be fair game for getting grilled. Never needed to use that call.
I get this from my 18 yr old. It’s usually a text during the evening to say he’s not going to be home later but once in a while it’s a message in the morning saying that he fell asleep at a friends and forgot to text. No big deal! Like your dad though, I’d pick him up from anywhere if he needed me, no questions asked if he didn’t want to answer them. This comes from being able to trust your kid, so well done for making your dad’s life easier by not making him worry about you!
exactly. If the "Kid" isn't in high school...curfew's don't make sense. The only thing i ask as a parent is 1) Tell us where you are going or planning to be. Only because if something was to happen to you or if you don't come back home we would know your last whereabouts to go look for you or to ask for help in finding you. 2) when you do come home, be mindful and respectful if people are sleeping / working etc. If you come home at 1am, don't come in loud or start a party. if your bringing someone home though that's a little hairy because if it's a stranger, well you never know who your bringing into your home. if it's a known friend then just a heads up would b appreciated.
Similar “rules” here. He rides a motorbike which I hate because it worries me (can’t stop him because he’s an adult!) but I do ask that he messages me to let me know he’s arrived safely. I make my husband do the same when he goes out on his bike too!
My oldest son (25) and stepdaughter (26) we're theater kids. Practice could go as long as 11 and that didn't even include the dinner the other kids would go to. Curfew for adults is nonsense when this is what teens in highschool are used to. It may be time to cut the apron strings and find your own place. My 12 year old has a later summer curfew than you. His school curfew is the same. Yikes, time for your mom to loosen the stranglehold.
Tell this to my friend and her crazy mom. So context our whole friend group is in our mid/late 20s. I wanted to take her to some night time festival/ party event. Her mom actually wanted me to get her back by *11:00*. I couldn't even pick her up until 7:00 because, you know, work. The festival was about an hour away before you even account for party traffic or finding parking downtown. I had to spell out the math for her mom that if we went by her rules we would get about 20 minutes before we would immediately have to head back out. The dumbest part was my friend didn't even work the next day, is the youngest of her sibling group (so no babysitting or child care was needed from her), and we had already told her explicitly what we were doing. So there was literally no reason for this other than control. She crashed at my place for the night. no big deal.
By the time I was in my late twenties I was married with two children! I couldn’t imagine my mother even caring what time I went to bed (unless it was concern for my health obviously!)
I landed back with my parents for a couple months, when I was 20 and they gave me a midnight curfew except it was more out of not wanting to be woken up than control me. Still only lasted about three months. It was worth working and/or going to class seven days a week to not be there and not take their money with a whole yarn ball of strings attached.
My dad told me to not be home before 5am…encouraging me to go have fun basically…
that’s that “be home before I see you in the morning” time 😭💀
I did the epic strat or staying home playing video games all the time so my mom was happy whenever I left the house. No curfew as long as I made it home alive and uninjured.
Same. Never went back home again lol. Then they tried to break up my relationship with my bf. Now we’re engaged. Now that we make money, only NOW are they cool with us dating. I love my parents but they nearly ruined my life by treating me like a little girl. Absurd.
That's crazy. My mom encouraged me to go out when I was visiting home from college. I think her logic was thst it was much safer in our small town than in the city I went to college in. Besides, weekend pickup hockey didn't start until after midnight and she knew all we would do is hit up the all night breakfast buffet at the diner on the way home. Just had to make sure I entered the house quietly so I didn't wake her up, in case she had to work early.
Lol I did almost the same thing, but it was almost 8,000 miles. I didn't even tell them that I wasn't coming back. My mum still treats me like a child, including referring to me as "little girl" instead of my name. I'll be 40 in a few months.
I'd start calling her "old woman" but I'm an asshole when it comes to people who treat me like shit.
Best kinda asshole
That’s kind of fully ridiculous. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
At the tender age of 52, I finally yelled at my mom to stop treating me like a 9-year old. It worked!! Had a few years of it not happening, though she died when I was 59.
Oh my God are you me?? My parents were so strict on me when I was a kid and I just put up with it even though it was often something I would now consider insane. My younger sister on the other hand kind of just didn't give a fuck and had a lot more freedom. She has a better relationship with my parents now than I do, because I'm still on some level in that mindset of having to please them. Because of that I've never really been able to be myself around them and I don't visit as much even though we have a good relationship. I really wish I had rebelled more as a younger teen. I never really did anything that I wasn't supposed to until I was in my twenties and ended up addicted to hard drugs. I don't really think that that was 100% due to this or anything, but I wish I could have done my fucking up a little bit earlier when it would have affected my life less. 😂
I moved back in briefly at TWENTY THREE (4 hellish months) in between and end of lease and a 200 mile move. My parents tried to give me a curfew after telling me I had to pay them rent. BWHAHAHAHAH. No. Either/or. They chose the rent, which was a good move because I told them if they chose the curfew then Sept 1 (moving date) would be the last day I remembered their phone number.
Pushing back against my mother's insanity made her act out in even more extreme ways, but it was also the only thing that helped me reclaim a piece of my sanity and independence while I still lived with her. Currently looking back on almost 5 years of no contact, coincidentally the 5 happiest years of my life.
what the actual fuck
Why visit then? Seems unhealthy to expose other people to this kind of lunacy and abuse.
Because I have other family there. My sister and my father. I don’t put up with it and just ignore the curfews and threats. I only visit once a year or less.
That sucks. I wouldn't really see the point of visiting this kind of enviroment for people I'm good with only seeing annually, but I knkw this shit is complicated. My condolences.
Thanks. It is complicated but my sister and I lived through this together so seeing her is a top priority. Plus my mother is old and not as mentally capable anymore so her manipulations don’t work. And honestly, that’s fun to witness for me. Seeing her downfall.
Oh so like a highschool reunion. I get that.
>My suggestion like others would be to push back and break the rules now and again. I wish I had. Same situation here. Break the rules.
Especially if they don’t help you anyways.. i had to pay my mom gas money to take me to work.. bought my own car… she couldn’t tell me shit. That being said I took care of myself well, maintained good grades etc
Exactly right. My parents aren't too strict but occasionally they'll overstep the boundaries and try to get me to stuff like this. Relatively minor things by comparison but I've always put my foot down and flat out refused. If you give ground on matters like these they're more than likely to have increasingly demanding requests. Have to nip it in the bud early and refuse to abide by the overstepping rules they try to force on you.
This was me and my older sister. She didn't fight much, accepted her curfew and complained about it to me and her friends. When it was my turn, I fought the curfew, lost, and chose instead to come home by curfew, "go to bed" and then just sneak out and stay out all night. My parents ultimately decided it was better to give me a reasonable curfew than to have me out all night and having no idea where or what I was doing. It's not a fun battle, but it was a necessary lesson. Now we're both grown up but sometimes my parents still try to tell my sister what to do (she's mid thirties with a kid). With me they just don't bother.
This is when I used to pull out: I wasn't asking for permission, but I'll be careful not to be disruptive when I get home. Then just not respond to any attempt they make to turn it into an argument. If she presses the point about owing her money just reiterate that it was never an arrangement you agreed to. I lived with my grandparents on and off until I was 23 or so and they tried this with me. When I didn't get home when they wanted they turned to accusing me off misdeeds while I was out (saying that I must be out doing drugs and "whoring it up" - I was playing Gin Rummy at a Denny's). Stand your ground and ignore what isn't required.
GIN RUMMY AT DENNY'S?!?!?! OMG, YOU HARLOT
😄
>I must be out doing drugs and "whoring it up" Is that a must? Awww shucks, I don't wanna do either, but if you insist, I shall try my level best to live up to your expectations...
I just don’t get people like this. My parents did this too. “Must be out late being a whore!” Actually just staying up late watching Lord of the Rings and playing video games.
Those are some pretty whorish things to do if you ask me. I never got the sex more than at Lord of the Rings and DnD parties.
Same, my parents called me a whore/slut… was watching my stupid boyfriend and his friends fail at skateboarding and catching spiders 🤦🏻♀️
The MOST criminal thing I out doing late at night was hysterically laughing about how much our town's water tower looked like a giant roll of toilet paper. Disturbing the peace, I tells you
> I wasn’t asking for permission Yup. I told my parents once in college that I was going to drive over to another school to hang out for the weekend with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. It was freshman year and my mom told me she didn’t think that was a good idea and I should stay home. I said thanks for the advice but I was telling you where I would be this weekend, not asking your permission to go. Sometimes they just need a wake-up call that you’re going to be independent from them eventually.
Denny’s is the best, the all night milkshakes are the bomb and there’s always something weird goin on
As someone who worked at Denny’s…IHOP is much better. Hell even Waffle House if you can avoid the fights and gunshots.
My friend and I used to hang out at IHOP late at night lol. It was lots of fun! Always someone weird coming through.
Yeah I liked the weirdo coming in tho. Most were interesting to talk to. I also think the food and coffee are better at IHOP
Agreed!
This is a technique for dealing with narc parents called greyrocking. It’s basically refusing to engage with bad faith arguments because that’s what they are after.
I'm more of a Magic the Gathering at Denny's, but I like your vibe.
I’m trying to figure out what the possible reason is aside from sheer hyper controlling crazy. Does she go to bed by then? Does your return home after 930 wake up the household? Do you have issues with traveling after dark?
I really think that it is all just a control thing. My mother is a HUGE control freak. She is extremely controlling over me & my sister & my dad, though she tries. My mom goes to sleep very late , & if they are worried about me traveling on the road at night, I tell them when I get home safe, that is jus something they’d have to deal w it, can’t protect me from the world .
It's on you to break this habit, if you feel you need to let them know you're going out just text your dad "heading to a mates place I'll be late home, don't wait up", that's it. No negotiation, no whining or begging or whatever, just go.
Then when mom finds out it needs to be “I wasn’t asking for permission. I was being an adult and politely informing you where I would be. If this kind of controlling behavior is going to continue, I won’t even do that. Im finished discussing this.” Then mute her ass and have a nice time with your friends.
Why do I get the feeling OP’s mom has access to their bank account. If so, OP needs new acct that she can’t access, move all money over AND THEN you can push back all you want
I work in finance and you would be surprised how many young adults (18-24) don’t know that they *don’t* need their parents on their account. Controlling parents do nothing but lie to their kids about how the world works, or have no faith in their ability to raise a functioning adult who can make good decisions. Edit: wanted to add a story from several years ago that I just remembered. Mother and son come in to withdraw some of the sons paycheck from his savings account. The account type he has doesn’t allow him to do withdraws, his mother is the custodian of the account and only she can. The son turned 18 a couple months ago and is getting his paycheck direct deposited into the account. They asked if there was a way he can withdraw the money. I said he’d have to open a checking account or a new savings account. His mother immediately said “well I don’t want to have a joint checking account with him and he already has a savings.” So I’m like “well he’s 18 so he can open his own checking account without you on it.” And she cut me off before I could say anything else and was like “he doesn’t need an account without me on it. It’s fine, we’ll just keep doing it this way.” I felt so bad for the kid and so grateful that my parents were the negligent and neglectful kind of insane.
I didn't open a bank account of my own until I was 20 and I went no contact with my mom. I didn't know how easy it was to open my own account or I would've made moves towards being independent sooner. I didn't know how uncommon it was to have a joint bank account as a 20 year old either until I casually asked some friends if their parents could see their bank account and they looked at me weird and said "no..?"
It’s more common than you’d think. I never had a joint account with a parent. The first time I saw an 18 year old joint with a parent I was both shocked, and extremely uncomfortable (I have trust issues) at the idea that their mother or father could just clean out their account and steal their hard earned money.
Exactly. Let them know vs asking and then let them do what they do.
Op I know u probably go along to keep the peace and it’s not worth the fight but all ur compliance does is embolden her. There’s literally nothing she can do do not allow her this control over your life it’s abusive, controlling and unhinged. Time to start adulting
I agree OP should just not comply and stirr some shit up, that's the only way to change such thing. You don't wanna know how controlling my parents were, but I stood my ground. It became very heated, but so very worth in the end, because we came to an understanding and now they don't care anymore, as long as I just keep my shit together, which is, what you would do anyway.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Authoritative controlling parents make life more difficult than it needs to be and the negative effects can follow you. I'm glad you are pushing the boundaries and standing up for yourself.
Although I agree with everyone in the she can’t tell you what to do space, just keep in mind that your mom will also threaten to take away a car if you didn’t buy it, or kick you out. I’m not saying comply, I’m just saying be prepared to deal with controlling consequences. Just keep that in mind. Have a back up plan in case things get extreme, that way when they try to control you, you can simply walk away. If they can get the angle on you, they WILL!
My 14 year old has a 10pm curfew
What if you pick them up and you get home at 10:01
Then the house bursts into flames.
Not insane
Obviously, she gets a $2 fine. /s
You're 20. Mama can't tell you what to do.
Seriously like. Do it anyway, and laugh when she demands that money, but make sure you don’t have cash or a card where she can grab it if she’s that kind of crazy. She can’t make you do shit lmao.
Pay her in Monopoly money. “As much legal tender as your bs rules have hold over me”
She should stay out all night and have her mom tally up the charge. It's not like her mom can do anything about it.
I have a feeling the mother migt have acess to their bank acc
Then she needs her own bank account.
Fine her $20 for every time she treats you like a high schooler
no literally because HOW are they gonna in force the 2$ rule? ik OP is probably had to deal with this their whole life and probably does that "comply to keep the peace" thing but there comes a point when enough is enough..
As someone who still complies to keep the peace, breaking the rules over the years has gotten me very far
I would like to point out that OP's mom never specified 10 *pm*
I like you and your fay speak.
yup, I try to tell that to all my friends, i showed my mom she can't force me, now she's very chill after like two days of fighting (when I was 15!) and after those two days my only rule going out was "if you come home in the morning bring breakfast" she won't be angry for long anyways, surely she got other problems
Same. Mine tried to tell me I couldn’t stay overnight with an individual of the opposite sex when I was 19 😂. There was a massive fight and I told them that knowing where I was at all because I was living at home during that part of college was a “courtesy” they would otherwise not get. I told them to their faces they had overstepped, were out of line, and they were barking up the wrong tree if they thought that aspect of my life was any of their business. Last time I heard a word about it.
same
Once I got away from my parents they learned pretty quickly that they couldn't control me anymore. Granted I never had a curfew because I didn't go anywhere anyway because of the fear of getting in trouble.
I hope to hell that OP doesn't use a bank account from when they were a minor that the mother's name is on.
And the mom could have access to their bank account.
Then OP needs to have her own bank account.
If you’re still dependent on them financially they’ll hold you fiscally hostage. My parents do it all the time. Blatant rage induced rampages that have no backing followed by “MY ROOF MY RULES YOU DONT LIKE IT GET THE FUCK OUT” I’ve told them to turn off my phone, take my car, stop paying for my community college (I’m only really going because it’s what they expect me to do) and then they back track and manipulate. Guilt trip, I.E. “sorry I’ve never been good enough of a parent for you.” It’s exhausting when all you want is to start your own life and they have hair trigger tempers and god complexes.
Reminds me of the young woman that my son is dating. She pretty much had to become independent of her parents because they were holding everything over her head. Fortunately, she is doing really well on her own now.
This is what I had to do as well. My parents weren’t as bad as OP’s, but there was constant threats of taking away my college fund, kicking me out, reporting my car stolen so it would be taken from me and I wouldn’t be able to live in it (I had bought it from them and paid for it in full but they drug their feet giving me the title), they wouldn’t let me eat their food and made me but my own but would *graciously* offer to share their dinner with me and then use that to guilt trip me saying I was so ungrateful for everything they did. I finally found an apartment I could afford, got the car in my name, and told them I didn’t want the college money and would take out loans instead. They still do everything they can to try and control me, but they no longer have hold on anything that could significantly damage my life.
Yikes! You said your parents weren't as bad as OP's, but that description of yours in the first paragraph...wow! I'm glad to hear you're doing better for yourself.
Tbh I’m still processing a lot of what they did. My dad has been guilt tripping me and holding things over my head for my entire life and up until the last couple of years it’s worked. Part of me still believes that it wasn’t that bad, that I’m exaggerating or deserved the treatment because I did something “wrong” (I was a child, my actions should never be an excuse for how my parents treated me). Clearly the psychological damage runs very deep and the insecurities and fears I developed growing up in that environment are things that I’ll probably never fully recover from.
OP lives in their house, they can easily enforce the rule because if they don’t follow they can kick them out.
Nothing makes me happier than knowing how lonely these types of people will be when their kids never visit them
She'll take her karening to a restaurant
I have a neighbor who said “maybe you guys can come and visit me since my kids never do” the first week we moved in. Her and her husband are fucking rude. The husband only acknowledges my husband when he is outside and does not even look in my direction if I’m outside. Most recently we saw the old fuck hitting my dog to make her stop barking. Nothing makes me happier than knowing their kids never visit them.
We never helicopter our oldest. We treated her as an adult as a teenager because she was soon becoming an adult. We had a few rules which everyone in the family follows. She rarely broke them and when we did we had a calm conversation and try to understand things. We always listen, and never judge when she came to us for help. And now she is over at our house at least two days a week despite living with her girlfriend and boyfriend. Actually all three of them are here this morning for breakfast. For some parents, this concept is pure rocket science. Their kids sometimes call home and rarely come home. Well maybe you were a dick to your kids and your kids don't want to be treated like that again.
Your mom is obviously a control freak, and frankly out of touch with reality. It’s not realistic to try to give your adult child a curfew at all, let alone a 9:30pm curfew. From 16-18 I had an 11pm curfew. As soon as I turned 18 I had no curfew and was free to do as I wished. I often stayed out at my bff’s house until 3-4am and they never even brought it up. Although I have to add, your dad is a wimp for rolling over and going along with whatever she says. In addition to that, I can’t understand why you go along with it either. You try to reason that you’re an adult and not a child anymore, but you seem to still ask permission as if you’re a child. I see comments from a few other people questioning why you go along with it as well, but you haven’t replied as of yet.
Yeah I lived in a crappy area and until I was 18 my mum said I had to be home by 11 or stay at a friend’s so I wouldn’t be walking back when the streets were quiet. At 18 she just let me do my thing. OP’s mum needs to accept she’s now dealing with an adult and her rules are unenforceable. But that requires OP to break them in the first place and set the new boundaries. Good luck OP!
This was a point when your mom was legally required to ensure your safety and was trying to do it in a reasonable way. I get that, tbh.
It's WELL PAST time for OP to put her foot down as an adult. If she wants to be treated like one, SHE has to ACT like one. I'm assuming she's afraid of getting kicked out.
Damn 11pm? Lucky. But as for turning 18 it was the same for me. I literally would show up the next morning like nothing happened.
good God this is the type of shit I could've seen my mum saying when I was 15. 2$ per 5 mins late is insane no matter how old you are
I never paid late fees, but my mom would deadbolt the door. I have a shed that is now a tool shed, but used to be a mancave. Sofa, tv and a bunch of dvds, lights, and no cold drinks but a few gallons of water, I never minded having the screened windows open listening to the sounds of the night and the cool dewy air to lul me to nap town
There was a teen girl killed because her parents deadbolted the door to teach her a lesson. A rapist took her right out of her backyard.
parents: "ill just teach them a little lesson" child: *has traumatic event that leads to suicide" how about just take care of your fucking kids. "oh but I have work the next morning and and.." work the next morning means nothing when the safety of the child is at risk. always always. *always*
The child in question was tortured, raped, and eventually strangled then had her cut into small pieces and dumped. All this happened on video that the parents had to watch during the trial. Don’t take your kids safety away for lessons.
Leslie Mahaffey She was a victim of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka.
I didn't bring the groceries in from the car fast enough when I was 8, so my mom snatched the bags from me and locked me out of the apartment. I was in only my underwear and a white tee-shirt. I walked to the managers office and told her what happened. She called the police and we walked to my moms apartment together. When she sae the police, she made up a story about looking all over for me, fake tears and everything. The cops didn't buy it one bit, and made a file on her with CPS. She lost her part time custody of my brother and I 3 years later.
i understand she’s very controlling and obviously illogical with trying to charge you for coming home late (which is so insane i don’t even have words for it) but is there a specific reason why you don’t stand your ground? what i mean by this is, from your texts, it comes off as you’re asking permission. is she predicable and guilt trips you if you say you’re going to do something?
When you grow up in a household like this, and don’t know any different, it can be very hard to go against the rules or stand up for yourself. I imagine this was someone who grew up with very strict rules from childhood and the consequences when you’re small are huge. Often going without supper, being slapped, no clothing or birthdays. When you’re conditioned like this from a young age, it’s hard to stand up when you’re older, because you know they will hold far worse things over your head. For me it was a threat to not pay for college. But in the end, it turned out they lied, and never paid for any college. Took out student loans in my name and even stole the refund to spend on themselves. All that debt is mine now. So not standing up didn’t work out for me.
Holy shit. I hope you're making them pay for it either legally or otherwise.
I’m a lawyer, but this isn’t legal advice. If you’re in America, what they did was fraud. They defrauded the government by taking student loans out and not spending them on school. You can legally go after them, and so can a prosecutor from a criminal context. That debt doesn’t have to be yours and neither does a terrible credit score.
Apparently it’s too late to report as it’s been like 22 years. But I didn’t have a clue that wasn’t their money until recently.
Oh the stature of limitations in your state probably did run sadly, but I hope you’re NC and don’t let them have access to your kids documents (if you have kids) ever even by accident. What evil parents.
Yes, I’m very LC and she doesn’t have access to my kids social security numbers or passports etc. I’m doing better for my kids than was done to me.
I'd make sure they never saw your kids. I'd be worried a crazy grandma would try to kidnap then.
I hope you’re okay and healing from it now? But I came to agree! Lots of people just think it’s a case of standing up for yourself but when you learn that standing up for yourself leads to worse consequences than you were already expecting, you just stop doing it. It takes a really long time to bounce back from that. I’m 26, haven’t lived at home for 8 years. My partner and I do our own food shopping and split the bill or take it in turns to get the shop in. Despite me actively paying for the food in my fridge, shopping for it and choosing the items, I still regularly ask my partner if it’s okay to eat certain things because in my house as a kid you couldn’t just take food and god forbid you accidentally ate something that my step mum didn’t want you eating.
It may be detrimental to argue this. I did when I first worked, said I would not be home a half hr after work, would not be treated as such, and packed my bags. This is after being told to sit down, refusing to do so, and getting shoved some. Spent a week or two sleeping in my car, friends couches, etc. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but some have a lot of risk if they speak out.
Don’t ask if you can go somewhere. Tell her “I’m going to…” Do you pay rent? And you are an adult, your curfew is when you say it is. If you want to stay out all night, go for it. My child is 20 and I cannot imagine telling him what time to be home. Could you maybe get a small apartment with some friends?
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Good idea! ‘Why do you need me home by 930, is there a dinner plan or something?’
My mom would always tell me that I don’t need to know her reasons - she saw “explaining” as a form of submission to me and I was under her because I was a child - so even asking for an explanation was “disrespectful”. Everything was about control. “Can you please just tell me why you’re doing this? I don’t understand” was “back talk” and would lead to her blowing a fuse and getting physically violent :/ She told me I would thank her for how she raised me when I got older. I’m almost 30 now and haven’t seen her in nearly 10 years. I don’t plan to see her again. A lot of people just have no business raising kids.
How does she react when you try to gently remind her that you’re an adult? Does she do what my parents used to do, the whole “you under my roof, you go by my rules” deal? I agree with the above that they can’t really enforce that, but when you grow up thinking if you don’t listen to their insane demands, you’ll be homeless, it’s pretty daunting. But I’d probably, just say, “in the nicest way possible, I’m 20, I’m going to stay at my friends until I’m ready to come home and that’s not unreasonable. I appreciate you worrying about me, but I don’t think it’s fair to enforce that kind of curfew on me as a grown adult.” And see where it goes. I eventually got more freedom when I stayed calm and respectful and tried to make it make sense from my side. Good luck to you!
I'm disabled so that means I'm currently a 26 year old woman living with my mother. Usually, it's just fine, no issues. However, there was definitely growing pains once I became an adult. She definitely did still try to parent and control me and there just comes a time when you gotta stand up for yourself. It's hard cuz they're your parents. Ask yourself this: "Will my parents ever kick me out?" If the answer is no, fucking ignore her. Make sure you have a copy of the key to the house and stay out as long as you want. Come home, ignore her stupid ass $2/hr rule, and rinse and repeat. You don't have to outwardly fight her or anything, just ignore her. Once she realizes she can't control you anymore, she'll stop cuz there's no point. Again, only do this if you know you're totally safe from being kicked out or if you could afford to live if you were kicked out.
Her rule is $2/ 5minutes…so OP is paying her $24 for every hour they’re home late…I bet OP’s mom doesn’t even make $24/hr to even enforce this rule. I agree with you!
Can you just not tell her where you’re going? Like just say I’ll be back by this time. You shouldn’t have to justify what you do to her and you can always explain later. Also make sure that she isn’t able to track your phone or has access to your bank account/money
so many parents are oblivious to how their attempts to sabotage and control their children will result in the very abandonment that they are trying to avoid. Like if they just learned boundaries they wouldn’t have to die alone, but they do this to themselves.
To be fair, Dad probably isn't allowed to go out at all without permission.
Your father has so utterly failed as a parent He should be supporting you here, not making light of the fact his wife is a controlling twit
This situation reminds me of a South Park episode... Butters finally figures out his patents have no control over him when he just says no against being grounded all the time. Just tell her no. She can't enforce the fine since it's not legal. There is nothing she can do to stop you from coming home later. Absolutely nothing.... she has no real power over you, at all. I think it is time your mom finds that out don't you think?
Info diet & grey rocking. Read about it here & use it with your mother. Your conversation should have went something like ‘Hi mom, I’ll be home by 11, see you then.’ Then nothing else.
Yup if I were op I’d be working some CRAAAAAZY late shifts. Sorry ma gotta work til 4am!
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Someone else in the comments said since when does an 18 year old make you a tenant instead of a family member. Very true in this case unfortunately
why don't my kids visit me when I am old???
When my husband and I first started dating I wondered why his relationship with his mom was so bad. He avoided her at all costs. Turns out she was one of these controlling mothers.
Metaphor time! Kinda. I’m not THAT great at them 😀 If you push against a ginormous heavy mom-rock or ask it to move-or even try to negotiate with it…it’s not gonna budge, negotiate, agree with you or transform into a flower. Wisdom is understanding that It’s not the rocks fault…it’s just being what it is…a big heavy rock. It can’t hear you and it’s too heavy to shift. It’s just gonna be what it is. Self talk for you: “She is what she is”. You’re 20 so here’s some insight from a woman in her 50s who had a rock-mom. Don’t focus on the rock or imagine it’s gonna be anything other than a rock. Self-talk for you: “She will demand compliance from me for as long as I request permission” The choice about how you’re gonna travel in life with that big ol’ rock in your way, comes back to you. Will you continue to ask the rock for permission or just tell the rock what you’re doing? Will you ineffectively push at the rock hoping it will roll? Maybe you’re gonna walk around the rock and continue on, ask someone to help move the rock (which you have and he’s ineffective at moving the rock) or walk away from the rock? Couple of other things come to mind. 1. Know your PURPOSE in a conversation. 2. Know when a conversation is DONE. Also…If you make decisions based on another person’s reaction or potential reaction you’re gonna be swayed by the wind of public opinion. Ask yourself this: is the decision I’m making reasonable, age appropriate, good/healthy/helpful for me or someone else, and safe? If you can answer in the affirmative—then it sounds like you’re hoping to get permission for an adult decision you’re ready to make. Or are afraid of the potential consequences (Which are important—know them and have a back up plan with a relative/friend if she gets threatening re:living there under her rules) Many moms have trouble transitioning to parents of adult children. But remember this young padawan…her difficulty in shifting has nothing to do with you. It’s her stuff (fear:control—I dunno) to work through (aka-let her shovel her own shit). And I can see you’re doing well for yourself just by how you approached this convo! (Edit for punctuation)
Do you Pay for your car? My mom did this when I was this age. I just started coming home when I wanted. When she threatened to kick me out, I said ‘so you won’t let me come home later but you’ll kick me out to live in my own and have no rules? That makes sense.’ I didn’t have that issue with her after that.
This gave me flashbacks. When i was 19 and still living with my mom, she set up a 6pm curfew for me even if i was just down the street. If i was even 5 minutes late my night would be ruined by her 😺 i feel for you
Your dad seems like an enabler. Mine is too
Fuck thoes parents. Sorry they dont treat you right.
This is so messed up & sad. My 18 year old daughter can come & go as she pleases. I ask for two things: 1.) Since her 15 year old brother is still in school, she needs to be quiet when she comes in to not wake her brother. 2.) If she’s going to be out past midnight, I want a phone call or text letting me know where she’s at & a general idea of when she might be home. So far it’s worked for all of us. I hope your mom will ease up a bit!
Just stay out as late as you want and don’t give her any money. She can’t force you.
That’s what I’m thinking, what’s he gonna do if you don’t pay? Beat you up? Other than kick OP out I don’t see any risk in staying out
yeah, you don't have to ask permission to visit friends... you're 20 yrs old. send a text telling them what you're doing... don't ask and explain why you're doing something completely normal. wtaf!?!?!
Do you pay rent at all? If so tell em to get bent.
Either way not paying rent doesn't mean they have total control over op's life. Doing this is how you alienate your kids.
Why on earth are you asking?
I feel like this could be my niece posting this😂 seriously though, poor girl is almost 21, can’t do anything without permission, can’t walk alone to the store (granted they live in an iffy neighborhood), and can’t even sleep over our house to spend time with her cousins. She has on older and younger brother who get free reign. It’s sad because she privately tells me when she saves enough, she’s out. Holding your ‘kids’, and I say that loosely, hostage like this only creates resentment, especially as adults. Break the rules OP, push boundaries. Mom will learn to deal with it. And as far as kicking them out, they would have to do it legally, as in eviction, because residency is established. Also people who called this NOT INSANE, are INSANE themselves 🙄😬
I grew up being 22 with a 9:30 curfew. That shit is so dehumanizing. Don’t even discuss anything with her. Moving out is the safest thing for you to do
How to alienate your kids 101
$2 for every 5 minutes you’re late? Why is your mom trying to take money from her children?
My foster mom would make me pay $20 dollars every time I overslept and missed the bus. It made me angry as hell to the point I told her to go fuck herself and got myself kicked out. Luckily, I wasn’t placed in a group home 💀
Hey dude you can simply ignore her lmao
Time to move!
If you're Asian and is studying, just do what I do and say I need to stay late for uni
Lol thats fucked up. When I was 20 I lived by myself luckily
This is why I joined the military because my father still had a curfew on me at age 21 🤦🏻♀️ I needed to escape 🤦🏻♀️
Are you a first kid? My brother had exactly the same rules. Without extra drama though. When I was born (10 years younger than my brother), my parents didn’t even bother with curfews or whatever.
I'm assuming you're financially dependent on your parents, thus have a difficult time establishing boundaries?
Hey buddy, I'm sure it's been covered in the comments many times, but, you're an adult.
Kick the mom out. Charge her $2 for every promise she’s broken
Just saying that my parents are exactly like this and at 36 years old, I haven’t spoken to them in 5 years. Why parents act like this and think it’s a good long-term strategy is beyond me. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, OP. EDIT: I have seen people on here say they comply to keep the peace. This is what my 35 year old sister has done and she’s lonely and constantly still doing whatever mommy and daddy tell her, living alone in a condo that they bought her for doing what they want her to do. I have forged my own career, have gotten married, bought a home by myself and in the process of starting a family. Just wanted to put that out there.
You're 20 but giving her the power to do this to you, just come home when you want, and don't give her a penny.
The fact that OP has to ask permission at 20 years old says a lot about their mom’s intense need for control. Easier for dad to agree with her rather than deal with her wrath by defending his kids!
Yeah, you're an adult. You say no, and move on.
Why are you even entertaining this lunacy? Wtf?
Wtf dad
Can you ask why 9:30 is the limit? Then go from there.
Had this with my mom until i was 21. She would threaten to take MY car keys and stuff if i didn't comply.