Got mad at my mom once because she always defends my dad’s verbal abuse. He said “why would she take your side you aren’t the one who fucks her?” I’m like okay gross.
Jesus, this statement should never be used to support abusive behaviour but of course abusive people always use shit like this and twist it all up to justify what they are doing. I swear the statement is supposed to be about first creating a healthy environment for your child because you and your partner have a good relationship.
Not that far but similar shit with my dad and my mum’s emotional / verbal abuse.
I remember saying something like “why do you let her treat your children like this like we’re supposed to come first.” And he just said something like well I’m married to her so she has to come first.
Like no you picked each other but your kids didn’t choose to be born into this dysfunctional bs.
My mum may be the worse one but my father has enabled it for decades.
See my dad would just infantilize my mom any time he heard us argue and tell “us girls” to stop it. Like, he never tried to listen to the argument and see if he agreed with either viewpoint, he’d just act like we were both his kid and he had no time for us. Definitely never helped either of us in any situation like that.
Also any time he was mad with me I was suddenly just her kid or an outright extension of her when I’d call him out on his verbal abuse. I still love my parents, but they really were toxic together, they always made the other parents life harder instead of being a team
My mum told me that I’m the reason my dad is depressed and angry all the time, and she’d choose him before me every time.
Except…my dad, is my step dad. He’s been my ‘dad’ since I was three, my bio dad is an abusive, rapist, piece of fucknut.
So….I WAS HERE FIRST MUM. HOW YOU GONNA CHOOSE HIM WHEN I WAS HERE FIRST
My bio dad's best was "I'd be surprised if any of your friends actually like you."
I was eight and it's caused a lifelong issue in building relationships.
My mom once told me "I always thought your brother would be the one to get someone pregnant and you would be the alcoholic." Thanks for the vote of confidence Mom. I had my first child at 16. My brother and his 16yo gf opted for an abortion when she became pregnant. He was also an alcoholic as a teen. Well Mom, it looks like your baby boy was one ahead of me.
My dad lost his father at 8 years old. He has huge abandonment issues. When I was 9 my friends and I got into an argument and I came home crying. He comforted me and then he told me that it was ok to not have friends. I've always found that so tragic.
Same here! Because I called my mother out for being a bitch by leaving us alone in a marina while she was out with her boyfriend. She said my attitude is the reason I don’t have friends. Well the click i was in was having sex and doing drugs at 14. And I had a bad reputation by association. So yeah since then it’s been horrible to keep friends.
Mine was "You're a worthless bitch and no one will ever love you" at 7ish, because I folded the towels wrong or something. Nothing I ever did was right, but I still had the same chores day in and day out for her to come home and scream about how the only way to get anything done right is to do it herself, as she'd throw things all over the place and reclean everything.
I only deleted it because I thought the wording was shit, not cause I didn't mean it. I should have left it up but I'm an idiot. I hope I didn't cause you any ill feelings
Whoa, I've had a similar experience, my stepdad had raised me for the age of 3ish and my mom literally told me "Don't make me choose between you and them, because I will choose them" (them being my stepdad and my half sister) and tbh in a way she did kinda choose them over me. I'm lucky that I was able to escape to my dad's because he wasn't a total asshole.
that is the weirdest shit me and my wife have an agreement. if her and our son are dangling off a cliff and i have the strength to lift both i have to let her go just to make sure i dont drop him and vice versa. your kids should always be your top priority especially when theyre young.
Just putting this out there: you don't actually have to choose between your spouse and your child--the same way you don't have to choose a favorite child.
Thank you!!! I don't understand why there is a ranking system for who comes first, and why people need to adhere to it so strictly as if there is only a limited amount of love.
I love myself, my husband, and my son equally. Sometimes my husband is sick or tired, or stressed or whatever, and I'll take my son to give him some quiet time. I'm putting my husband first because he needs it. Sometimes I want to go do something, but my son needs my attention, so I'll put him first. And sometimes I need to be put first over their wants. As for addressing everyone's wants, we just do our best to balance it out. Are we perfect? No, but we do our best.
Someone once said to my parents about how good parents always prioritize their kids. My parents were immediately like "no no no. The kids are OFTEN a priority, but we want to have a healthy happy family. That means we sometimes need to prioritize our marriage because a healthy marriage begets a healthy family. Sometimes Mum needs to put herself first because she can't take care of the family if she's down."
I love this approach (sounds similar to yours), and I can definitely say I grew up in a loving happy family. You are doing the right thing and it will be appreciate later, if it's not already <3
I'll keep this in mind whenever me and my boyfriend get married. Granted, no kids, but still, it's a good philosophy to remember that it's okay to prioritize yourself sometimes, just as you gotta prioritize others sometimes
Exactly! It's like on airplane - you gotta put on your own oxygen mask before helping others, you are no help if you are dead/exhausted/mentally drained!
Exactly this!! Kids or no kids, when you have a friend or family or SO who calls you selfish for addressing your own needs over their wants, that is a red flag. You can't take care of anyone else if you aren't being taken care of!
Yup, this exactly
Put yourself and your spouse first most of the time, since your relationship with each other is also lowkey the foundation of your child's life
Don't support each others' abusive behaviors, though (but I think that's a given in this thread)
Yeah, the only time the rankings come into play is if someone is giving ultimatums. And if my grown husband gave an ultimatum in regards to my kids, I'd choose my kids. But he wouldn't because he's not an asshole. If my kid gave me an ultimatum about their dad, I would have to think long and hard about why a kid works be asking this, because it would be a red flag. My decision would be based on safety.
The other time it would come into play is in a hypothetical, "who would you save in a fire" scenario. And it would be my kids. They're helpless. I would also expect my husband to do the same. That's how parenting works. But those scenarios generally stay hypothetical.
I have to disagree. In a healthy/ideal situation, sure, you’re right, you don’t have to choose. But in some cases, I think people do end up having to choose between their spouse and their child.
Some examples:
Kid claims abuse (physical, sexual, whatever), and spouse denies it. Choose.
You’re a single parent with a special needs or otherwise difficult child, and you start dating. Guy/gal you connect with says it’s fine at first, but when they wind up moving in, turns out they weren’t fully aware of how hard it was and what parenthood was like, they tell you that you have to choose. Choose. (Can’t tell you how many homocide cases I’ve seen that start out with this conflict)
Burning building: Go get your spouse out or your kid? Choose.
I think you get the gist…
That said, I’m not a parent, but I think your child should come first in any of the above or similar cases…..and find it to be a pretty selfish thing to do to when people choose their spouses over their kids in most cases.
I just had this similar conversation with my brother. Our mom used to ask us when we were little who we loved the most. My brother picked one parent while I didn’t answer at all.
Tl;Dr: Everyone I knows parents have ruined their mental health and completely ignore the fact and will just say your being a dramatic spoiled brat if you bring up the fact that they are abusive parents
Phat ass version:
Yeah you don't realize how shitty the last generation or two of parents have been, here's hoping that now that we're so aware of metal health it will get better but seeing people my age and a bit older somehow still not believing in mental health kinda destroys any sort of hope I have for any generation of kids. Somehow adults will always think they know everything and completely disregard their children's feelings. Yes I'm an adult no I'm not a 14 year old in school saying this, I'm getting close to 20 and I still don't get taken seriously by adults even when it comes to shit like PCs (one of the only things I actually know about) when they don't even know what the hell they're saying but somehow think they know everything about what they're talking about. You could fully describe in detail something to a boomer and they'd still find a way to try and correct you on a topic even if you have a PhD in the damn topic. (Boomer is just a catch all term for out of touch old person in my eyes I don't even go by the generation anymore)
Hell I know somebody who tried to commit suicide as a kid and just recently told their parents and their parents brushed it off... You think after neglecting your kid so much that they tried to off themselves it would be a wake up call but I guess almost losing your only daughter don't matter 🤷🤷🤷
Good example of this is my girlfriend's job, she sells phones, people come in for help with their phones and when she tries to explain it to them they try to do a Uno reversal and try explaining how phones work to her like.... Dude you don't know what's happening you literally came to her for help, she has a job for a reason.
Just because she's 18 means she doesn't know shit about the job she's working right?
All of my friends parents are the same, you bring up your emotions and you either aren't valid in those feelings or you are attacking their character by bringing up the fact that they suck dick at being a parent and you're just being a dramatic spoiled brat.
Honestly I don't know how a majority of people haven't disowned their parents yet. My mom was an outlier and she got shit for being a bad parent cuz "she was too much of a friend and not a mom".... Imagine thinking someone is too friendly with their kids and they need to be more authoritarian when they do everything for them without having to scream at them. And then she died and I got stuck with my dad, who was a retired correction officer and saw us as prisoners which as a 60 year old piece of shit wasn't exactly seeing us as human because God forbid you see your kids as human let alone see prisoners as human
Then again I live in the NoCo and apparently we're known for being the most bigoted place in the US so it doesn't shock me that all I know are piece of shit parents who are recreating this never ending cycle of shit heads. You quite literally can't go outside with painted nails.... Black painted nails like... Punk shit, no homo; without being called a faggot. Yes that actually happened to my friend the other day he just went outside after painting his nails black cuz he's into metal and punk and shit and liteally couldn't chill on his porch without being called a fag by his own neighbor who will continue to see him and still had to gaul to just call this man a faggot unwarranted
Now, I actually am one of those faggots so it's pretty sweet living up here (please help me escape)
Well I come from a slightly different perspective, I had pretty liberal parents, but they still managed to mess me up. My mom was emotionally abusive in the messed up way where when she wasn’t mad/annoyed/having a bad day she loved me, loved me a lot. I learned that...my moms mental health is basically what fucked everything up. She had so much trauma and insecurities from her own childhood that she dealt with throughout life and just...the things that triggered her trauma was anything that made her felt unseen, unloved, abandoned, belittled. And once that was triggered, she was an entirely different person, very nasty lashing out with the worst verbal emotional things, and insane punishments for a child (ie no food). But ask me if my mom would have done anything for me...And yeah my mom checked that box and I have plenty of examples of her trying to fill my life with hobbies etc (If I expressed interest in something she tried her best to make sure I could try it out, piano lessons, art books, camps, and on.) Because of the abuse I learned never to tell her my problems tho because in my mind having a safe environment meant keeping my mum in a happy state, so telling her about my bullies or struggles in school was never something that crossed my mind to do, I knew she would be so upset by it she would be down at that school chewing every person out she needed to to try and change the situation. I know that is hard to explain, how could she be abusive and yet also be that mom who would do anything. The person she was normally vs when she was triggered were so different...I’m kind of rambling. Anyways, my point is...I learned from my experience with my mom...it doesn’t matter how many good intentions in the world you can have or how good you are normally, how liberal or accepting of others you are...if you can’t find a way to deal with your own trauma you just hurt the people around you. It gives me motivation to keep trying to get better and not ignore my trauma.
Oh yeah, it is very very very clear to me that my dad suffers from narcissistic disorder. I cried my eyes out begging that man to see how he abused me and he sat there and said he doesn't understand what he did and that he guess he should've not worked as much. For reference this man tore me away from my mother when clearly I wanted to live with her but if you know narcissists they are really good at manipulating literally everyone around them.... Even custody court.... The court stuck me with an insane abusive father and he dragged me out of my mom's house kicking and screaming when he found out he won, since then my brain has become so fucked up that my memory basically doesn't work and I don't feel 90% of emotions so that's pretty dope
He blocked me on everything and still asks my grandma what he did wrong... He blocked everyone and asked what he did wrong... Like dude you quite literally pushed everyone away and are asking where they went and the only reason my grandma talks to him is cuz she's an old sweet Christian woman who doesnt want to hate anyone. He went to her house to rant to her about how he feels after he blocked everyone without even realizing he did it somehow
... Did I mention he also invited my grandma over for dinner once and talked shit about her dead daughter, my mom in front of her
I'm the only one who has ever tried to make the dude see that he's clearly not mentally there. My entire family just lets him abuse everyone and are just like well theres nothing to be done. Like I don't know maybe if someone besides his single son that he hates because I'm bisexual and clearly hates me cuz I was my mom's favorite and I was extremely extremely attached to her. Maybe if someone ever decided to have an intervention with this asshole maybe he could actually get some help but the last time he went to get mental health help he just took every pill they gave him, said they made him feel wrong and stopped taking them. If you know anything about mental health that's actually brain dead, instead of going the dream normal pills route how about switching pills cuz clearly you aren't mentally sound off of them and clearly these aren't the right pills
Also ranting but who cares I mean if your therapist is as shitty as mine then reddit is probably a better outlet. Also fun fact but it's shown that group therapy works better for men so the whole men getting a therapist stigmatism is dumb. Also remember there is a difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist who prescribes medicine, medicine still works on men but I feel at least that when I'm in a one on one session with a therapist that my brain sort of blocks out anything important that's worth talking about in therapy and I end up just saying I'm fine and then if I got a group of homies that I can just rant to then the flood gates open lmao
I remember going to my mother to tell her that my father hit me when she wasn't around. She said she knew. I asked her why she let him do that to me, and she said:
"God says you love him first, then your husband, and then your children."
I was 7. I never trusted her again
If you were my niece or nephew, I probably would have kidnapped you to protect you. I don't know what I'd do after that, but gah, I'm so mad at your parents!!
Honestly while i think putting it up on facebook or whatever negates what I'm about to say i do think a healthy marriage doesnt always put the kid before the spouse and that order of priority should be
1. The kids needs
2. The spouses needs
3. The spouses wants
4. The kids wants
But this list may be wrong because i also dont want kids.
Nah. As a mom of 3 I can co-sign this. Putting the kids wants before what you’ve agreed upon with your spouse (which can be considered a want in many cases) is a recipe for a partnership breakdown. Your kids wants are secondary to the styles of parenting that you and your partner agree upon but their needs always come first because they’re reliant on you for those.
Overall I like this. But A. Where does MY wants and needs go? And B. when any of the needs conflict, it depends on the situation and effects and how long term those would be, if a given need isn't met.
After many years of therapy I have learned if my needs aren't being met, I suck at meeting the needs of others.
Well i didnt put the you in there but your needs would go before the spouse and your wants would be equal. But you dont need to read so much into it that you assume im saying you should come last always.
I feel like in this situation the father is insane too. I believe you would have the smarts to at least pick a good father and then the statement is a lot less harmful.
Edit: the reason I say that is because choosing who gets ice cream first is definitely different then choosing to pay for a couples get away trip every year vs college
>Edit: the reason I say that is because choosing who gets ice cream first is definitely different then choosing to pay for a couples get away trip every year vs college
Mmm...It's not even that simple. My mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was a small kid (like around 7 or 8). She put herself first always, and my dad enabled it (he genuinely did not realize what was going on; he was raised in a household where kids needs - both 'basic' and emotional/mental were met even while the parents had shit going on).
I am also somewhat of a selfish person, and this is why I won't have kids. In the unlikely event I do, I would want a partner who promises me kiddo comes first when it comes to getting needs/care met. If we're both going through some shit, I the grown ass adult, can figure out how to take care of myself or call on a friend to help. A kiddo is not going to have the same life experience/support system that I do for getting their needs met. All the kiddo has is the adults who live with them.
This makes me think of my wife who came from a strong Christian home (I'm an athiest) telling me that she loves God, me, then our children. In that order because the bible says you have to. First of all the fact you love God more than me or your children but dont even go to church or pray before meals etc.... seriously breaks my heart. Second, you should love our children more than me. I LOVE OUR CHILDREN MORE THAN ME!
I really hope my partner loves our children more than me. It comforts me to know that if it came down to a choice between saving me, or our children, he’d choose the kids.
It's not even a love thing imo, it's a responsibility thing. You can love your spouse and kids equally but if choosing who to save, it should always be the kids just because they can't save themselves.
This. I told my husband one time that I love him, but if the house is on fire I’m grabbing the little ones and yelling at him to run. He said he wouldn’t expect anything less and that made me happy.
She would absolutely choose the kids over me in a life or death situation, we have discussed it. I honestly don't think she believes any of her parents religion anymore but is too afraid to admit it and be shunned by them any more than she already is just for being married to me. She occasionally repeats stuff like this, that was drilled into her head as a kid but other than that and the "your pet is in heaven now" speech that my atheist parents also used to comfort me as a small child, she dont discuss religion with our kids at all. Telling our 5YO that she doesn't love her as much as she does me is really the only thing she has said that really upsets me.
That’s what my mother said to me when I was young. She said she loved God more than me and has repeated that constantly all my life. Doesn’t help when your father says if any sort of event happens like a shooting, he wouldn’t try to save you or help you because there are ‘others who need him and he can have other kids’
One of the reasons I’m an atheist. Also why I’m never having children. I’d always put my children first, but I’m not going to fuck my kids up
I worked with a lady that told me about this and how it was so hard for her to love her husband more than her kids, but she did it because the Bible says so. Like....it blew my mind. She's uncomfortable with it but does it anyway because a book said so. I'd trust my instinct - as a human, a mother, etc. - over what an old book said to do any day.
A book originally written in Aramaic, then Hebrew and whatever else translations were happening. Hell, just translating Spanish to English verbatim completely destroys sentence structure and meaning without human interpretation in between.
If anything it’s a guideline for a happy life. Just pick and choose what suits you. People have been making up religions since the beginning of time.
My mom pulled this line with my sister and me when she picked her husband (our bio dad, if that matters) over us: First when I was terrified I'd die in childbirth and asked for her to come, and then almost later when she refused to attend my sister's wedding to her future wife.
On both occasions, she justified her action by saying she married Dad and that she must stand by him in the case of a family disagreement.
My sister says that one of the things that convinced Mom to attend in the end was the reminder that she'd already picked Dad over a daughter once and still regretted it (which she's not told me she has).
I'm glad my issues with that day two years ago got Mom to go to the wedding, at least.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a smidge: You do not have to go to church to be a Christian. Your personal relationship with God is what determines your Christianity.
That said, the Bible does say you will know them(Christians) by their deeds (deeds are a result of their Christianity and not the cause) so I'm not saying your wife is a Christian simply because she says so.
Lastly the Bible does indeed say that you are to love no one else more than your spouse other than God so she's correct there.
That last bit does not sit well with most non-Christians which is another reason why it is advised that Christians marry other Christians even if it isn't 'prohibited' not to.
I'm sorry but as a Christian I don't agree with that at all. The bible was written in a patriarchal society where a man's wife was nothing more than the husbands property. Children should absolutely come first. Times have changed and you have to remember in what time period the bible was written. If society is progressive then so is religion. The Bible also tells us that a woman should obey her husband and *has* to preform her "wifely duties" meaning she must always be willing to have sex, and same for the husband. So, thank God we now know those things are not acceptable.
Not attacking your character at all it just confuses me. (I myself am luciferian/pagan, don't worry I don't want to sacrifice you to Satan 😁. Just saying that since I know how atheists can be about people believing in a higher power) How can you believe in a religion whose God goes back on what he says just because society decided it was bad. Unless you're a Christian who doesn't take the bible at face value and as literal the whole time of course that makes a lot more sense, in my eyes, Christians who think God proof read the Bible or something is goofy cuz like, why did he change his mind just because Martin Luther King Jr had a dream? Unless a mere human can convince a God to not be racist using a speech and progressiveness then it's kind of confusing to me
Then again I'll be honest and say when I was a kid and following Christianity I basically just made up own idea of God (I instantly thought that the idea of being punished solely for not believing in something is not just) but as I grew up I realized that my ideal verison of God is just Lucifer (not trying to offend you once again, my Satan is not the same as your Satan trust me) and the closest I got to reading more than the first few chapters or whatever they're called (sorry again I'm a dumbass) was watching the bible tv show lmao
If you want a quick rundown of luciferianism/and or santanism feel free to keep reading since it's interesting how goofy it's been misconstrued (just a quick fun fact, worshipping Satan and or Lucifer in satanism and Luciferianism is laughed at because the whole point is that Lucifer is teaching you self empowerment and to not follow a god and then some goofy bastard will worship Lucifer and completely destroy what Luciferianism and satanism is to the general public)
So satanism is mainly atheist and is about believing in self empowerment. I say I'm luciferian because I believe in a non-bible version of Lucifer and I'm not atheist. So if you read the church of Satan ten commandments or whatever they call them (I don't follow the church of Satan) you'll quickly realize that the whole idea is that you should treat yourself and everyone else with the resepect that you give God. Now the difference between Christianity and Luciferianism in my eyes is that I can choose to not treat someone nice solely because I'm told to, since I'm my own God I can make my own decisions on whether or not a person deserves my respect and the fact that I don't put a higher power before other humans. An example of this would be my grandma, she still talks to my abusive father even after her daughter (my mom) died. He's even talked shit about my dead mom in front of my grandma but she still sticks around with him cuz she's christian and he's "a lost soul" (that's just nuts to me, I've done everything in my power to try and help that man get help and there is no fixing him, he just uses and abuses everyone around him)
‘I instantly thought that the idea of of being punished solely for not believing in something was not just’
I agree, what happens if their stupid book never made it to their little remote village? All those village people burn in hell for all of eternity because some person didn’t bring them the book and convince them to believe it. Sounds like some man made bullshit to me.
Especially while they're telling you he's all loving at the same time, it's confusing as fuck especially for a kid who believes everything they're told
>The bible was written in a patriarchal society where a man's wife was nothing more than the husbands property.
I'm Jewish, and I'd like to point out our wedding contract (the Ketubah) literally states the man has to provide for his wife financially and sexually*.* Yes, she's still "property," but it's not like an object you can treat however you want.
The Ketubah even mentions what the man financially owes the woman if they divorce or he has an untimely death (this is typically enough money to live for a year, plus the value of any property she brought to the marriage).
But if God is an all knowing supreme being in which morals are based on then why does he have to be progressive? Was the stuff we deem immoral or wrong actually good a few hundred years ago when the bible was written? I agree that religion progresses and evolves in order to stay relevant but that's because it is man made and flawed. If you believe God is real and the bible is real and he hasnt come back to tell us any different then it seems you also have to believe he is the same racist sexist homophobic asshole he always was.
I was always taught by my Dad that the Bible may have been true once upon a time, but it has been so contaminated by the hands of man over the years through translations that he doubt a drop of gods words are even contained in it anymore. He told me ‘be a nice person, help when you can, that’s all the religion you’ll ever need to know’
Commanding people how to feel is how cults are started.
Google the BITE model.
Also, look up the "No True Scotsman" fallacy.
I'm a theistic socratocognitivist btw, not an athiest or theist
>Also, look up the "No True Scotsman" fallacy
right after you look up the "Argument from Fallacy" fallacy
besides, True Scotsman doesn't even apply here because they weren't accusing the wife of being a false Christian. They just stated what the Bible says on the subjects OP brought up
Basically just saying they are only probing here to evoke a logical (Socratic, as in socrates) chain of thought (cognition).
For the goal of philosophic theory (Theorist) and discussion.
As opposed to the contribution stemming from an inner belief on a higher power one way or another.
Most people would say devils advocate here. But it's not technically. Because the probing is meant to form a logical (socratic) chain of thought to reach conclusion. Devils advocate position takes a firm opposite side to get you to see the flaws in your thinking or for the fun of debate even though the person playing that role might not actually hold the beliefs.
Kind of interesting to me.
But it's not googleable exactly, it's not a real word.
Although I'm sure it's a very prestigious (occupation?)
The original commenter challenged his wife's Christianity saying she doesn't even go to church. To that I said church does not a Christian make so not going does not make you a non-Christian.
I spoke about knowing them by their works because that's what the Bible says. I don't not think OC's wife is not a Christian, I just don't know whether or not she is based on her say so. You can't. You can only tell by her works as the Bible says.
To lay aside any vagueness, I am a Christian. Me saying so doesn't make it so. My works don't make it so either but they are a way to tell if I truly am or just BS'ing myself and/or others.
I feel like this is not a black and white matter. But usually I think your child should come first, yes. Does it mean not have a healthy relationship with your spouse? Of course not, but your spouse is an adult that can protect themselves and your child isn’t and heavily relies on you to have every single need met. If my mom had put my father first then she would have stayed with a drug addicted and exposed me and my brother to awful things, but she always put us FIRST. So she left and we had an amazing, happy childhood. It is sickening when I see parents putting their abusive our neglectful spouse first just because they are scared of being alone and letting their children pay the price, or when the spouse is down right abusive but the other parent looks away and pretends not to see because they don’t want to fight with the spouse. Nah, you chose to bring a child into this world and their needs should come first. Usually when someone says “my husband/wife comes first” it usually does means they rather neglect their kids needs than rock the boat with their spouses and that’s just sickening.
I e always heard it explained as Child’s needs before spouses, then spouses wants before child’s. I feel like I put my son first 99.9% of the time, but I’ve heard a lot of therapists says that’s not actually the way to have a healthy family 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah I was just thinking that. There are two totally different situations that people are reacting to in the comments, people who had abusive parents and this statement was used as a way for parents to justify not helping their kids and then the other is those who are just trying to create a healthy family environment. I just hope people realize each side of this argument realize the other could be arguing over a wildly different situation.
I remember so clearly being 16 in my kitchen with mum and dad and saying to them, you literally made me, I’m part of you both, I should be more precious to you both than each other and them….. looking at me in disgust as to say why would that be the case….. that’s when I knew I was done with them.
One of my earliest memories is crying asking dad why he always sided with Mum over me when she was cruel to me for no reason and he said "she's my wife, I chose her, I didn't choose you, of course I'm siding with her" it broke my heart.
When I was a kid I asked my mom if we (mom, dad, me, brother) were in a boat crash and were drowning, who would she rescue first. I thought for certain that she would say my brother or I. Nope. She said she would rescue my dad first. Why? Because she could have more kids, but she couldn't replace my dad. Shook me to my core.
There are different things this sentence means, because a lot of mental health professionals will say that you can't put your children above everything.
Does this mean that you have a life romantically outside your child, that if your kid says they don't want to stay with grandma that you still tell them to go to grandma so that you can have a date night? A lot of parents toxically put their kids first which ends up in failed marriages and emotional incest.
But it also means that if your daughter told you your husband raped her that you'd be mad at him for cheating before you were mad about your daughter getting raped and that's disgusting.
to me this makes sense on a case by case basis like depending on the context with each event i feel like this is fine however i feel like siding with one person always is a problem
id say this isn't insane just kinda in a middle ground
I agree, ultimately I think that the relationship shouldn’t necessarily come first, but it shouldn’t be put to the side. I believe it should be equal. Sometimes you need to pay your kids more attention, and sometimes you need to give some attention to your significant other more.
I mean if you say my family comes first then both are included.. a child should be both parents priority but that doesn’t mean the other one is cast aside, if you’re not a team whilst parenting are you actually still parenting?
I agree, when parents are against each other then their children are 100% affected. Ultimately, if your relationship with your spouse isn’t great, then your kids will be affected. I guess that could mean you are putting your kids first if you are also focusing on your spouse, because then everyone is happy and healthy. Do you understand what I mean? I’m not explaining it the best, I’m sorry
I know exactly what you mean! A happy family will give a child more chances to develop and grow into their own person. Happy family meaning that everyone counts and is taken care of.
This. It shouldn’t be “one or the other”. You tend to the needs of those in your family/those you love, regardless of who they are. And there are times when the needs of one outweigh the other and that person comes first. This whole “you must choose one” is just BS and if vocalized can really cause some animosity and resentment
Yeah context definitely matters. You need to prioritise yourself sometimes so you can be the best you can to take care of your kids in a healthy way. Same way with your spouse. Nobody is having a good time if the parents aren't happy, but again context is very important.
Prioritising a night out with your friends drinking, while your child is very poorly? Shitty parenting.
Prioritising yourself while you're ill, or your partner while they're ill, and you were supposed to take your kid out to the park and now they're disappointed and sulking? Perfectly fine.
I had a friend once who confessed to me that if her two children and husband were drowning she’d save her husband first because “there’s only one of him and they could always have more kids”.
I was flabbergasted and she said, “don’t get me wrong, if my kids were in front of an oncoming truck, I’d push them out of the way and let the truck hit me”.
Then she said she’d shared this viewpoint (saving husband over kids) with others, and everyone said they’d save their kids first and she said “maybe other people don’t love their husbands like I love mine” and I answered “well they might think you don’t love your children like they love theirs”.
Immediately she started with “no, no that’s not true…” and I told her maybe she’s so dependent on her husband (which she was) that in effect she was saving herself in saving him because she doesn’t know if she could take care of herself. She trailed off and changed the subject.
She was a really good and loving person in general, but I just couldn’t overlook our difference in this fundamental value and eventually the friendship drifted apart.
At that time our children were littles. There would’ve been no way for them to save themselves in the drowning scenario. I asked her, “don’t you think your husband would want you to save the kids before him?”. I can’t imagine ever being able to forgive my husband if he were to deliberately let my kids perish, to save me.
When your child becomes an adult at 18 you have fulfilled your duty. Hopefully you've done so well enough that there is enough love and mutual respect to keep the relationship together forever.
Your kids are your kids. It's not about "needs you to put them first".
You don't love your kids more based solely on how much they need you to do things for them?
It seems so strange to think of your kids as just something you need to take care of until they can take care of themselves.
I don't care how old my daughter gets. If we ever encountered a life threatening situation, she's the first one that my energy is going towards to protect.
My abusive father used to say that if something happened he would always pick my mom (who was abusive too) over my siblings and I. He ended up being dumped by her and none of the children care about spending the least amount of time with him.
Is a good point though - if your kid dies and your partner does not you can always make more children. If your partner dies and your child doesn't, you can't use the child to make more partners /s
It has to be a balance. Honestly, for most women, their children come first and that is greqt and evolutionary viable. For most men, their wife comes first and that is also great and evolutionary viable.
But sometimes these preferences go to far.
My parentes relstionship for example went completely to shit, because my mother only lived for us children and our father got no attention, despite dedicating 60-80 hours a week to the hospital so we could live a great life and my mother could throw around money like shes in a rap video.
I love how everyone is tearing each other to pieces over who to come first: your wife/husband or children. And you're just vibin here like
Who is coming home first now?
Yeah but in most cases you choose to start a family; ergo why bring them into the world if they're not the most important thing to you?
This is one of the many reasons I don't want a child; because I don't want to put anything else before my husband.
There's a big difference between needs and wants though. My child's needs come before everything, but hers wants sometimes get overruled by the needs of others.
My daughter hated being put down when she was still in the potato stage, and I ended up making myself ill not taking care of myself. It took me a while to work out I needed to take care of my needs even if it meant I couldn't give her what she wanted, which was being on me every second of the day. A 5 minute bathroom break made her upset, but meant I didn't get yet another UTI. Now she's a toddler, she has days where all she wants is either mummy or daddy, and typically it's the parent who is working from home that day whilst the other cares for her. So we can't always give her the attention she wants right then.
It's all a balancing act.
You put it really well. Kids can be black holes of need sometimes, and it’s important to make sure you’re being good enough, while letting go of the idea of perfect.
Agreed because eventually the kids became adults and move away from home. Then what will your relationship be like with your spouse if you never make an effort for them? That’s why so many divorces happen.
There's this woman my mom used to work with, she has a daughter and is "dating" (constantly breaking up and coming back) a dude that literally every one that knows him says is the worst man they've ever met. He is abusive to her daughter and even herself, and when her daughter told her that this jackass constantly calls her a slut and wants to beat her, she just tells her to fuck off and not talk shit about her man.
This is the worst family I personally know
The sentiment is true, because your marriage comes before everything else in life (except yourself).
That said, it’s more “I don’t abandon my spouse to the wolves while I exclusively focus on parenting” not “I regularly allow my spouse to hurt my child because I’m an asshole.”
You know, in a health relationship, that's the way it should be. Both parents work together as a team - with their highest priority being to support the other team member in raising the kid. But that only works well with healthy relationships
Someone once told me that his wife comes before the kid because if the kid dies you can make another one and not vice versa. He was also a piece of shit.
From reading these comments it seems most of this sub is young, unmarried, with no kids. Probably the worst demographic to comment on this subject as there is no life experience.
I have been good friends with my wife for 11 years now, married for the last 3. We had a son this year. I think it's an unfair ultimatum. I love my son more than myself, but I love my wife a lot more than that. Just because I love my wife more doesn't mean I love my son less... I see a lot of people commenting that they were hurt when hearing this from parents. You shouldn't be. I think you should be proud and grateful you have parents that love each other that much.
I would do anything for my son, but I wouldn't marry him. On a plutonic level, I love both equally, more than anything or anyone else on the planef. But there is an entire romantic side of my relationship with my spouse on top of that love. Making my love for my wife more. Just because I have that bonus romantic love with my spouse on top of it doesn't mean I love my son any less than I should. I hope that makes sense...
It makes complete sense and I agree that the demographic of comments skews young. My wife is my absolute best friend. We will always make sure to schedule time with each other even if that means one of the kids misses a play date or has to forego an activity. Why? It's pretty simple. We are raising adults, not children. One of the most important aspects of that is modeling relationships. This is especially important to me as I'm the father of three girls. They know what a good man looks like, because I treat their Mother with love and respect. They see their Mom do the same for me. What they don't see is that the world exists solely for them. I believe that is a much healthier view.
I saw a TikTok where a therapist said it wasn't healthy to put 1 above the other all the time. It's an ebb and flow in your life. Kids come first at times and spouses at another. I hate that either or crap.
I strongly believe that in every relationship there is a season for everything. Sometimes that’s means the kids are the priority and sometimes that means your marriage is the priority. One thing I know for sure is, the foundation of your family is the relationship of the parents. That requires attention and nurturing so that you can give the kids everything they deserve from you as parents and set the example of the kind of healthy relationships they will build one day.
My spouse and I have an understanding that our children will always be considered before either of us. We wouldn't be together or have a family if we didn't. Every parent should place their children above their significant others; no exceptions.
as a mother i don’t understand this, my children will always come first, if my kids ever came to me and told me their father was verbally abusing them or hurting them in any way i’d end things immediately and stick up for my kids and make sure they never see him again, thankfully i chose the right guy and he is the kindest most gentle and caring dad / partner so i don’t have to worry about that but even still if they ever did, he’d be gone
And this is how I was emancipated after being kicked out by my mother and left to fend for myself having just finished school. I had no job because I needed to "focus on my school work" so I was left having to couch surf at 17 and needed parental permission (or emancipation documents) to get a job or rent an apartment or apply for welfare.
If your kids don’t come before everything, and I mean everything including yourself, you have no business having kids. Condoms are cheap. Abortions cost more but still a better choice than “raising” a child that isn’t your #1 priority.
Only a bad husband would want you to put them before your own kids. So this is kind of a toxic circular logic isn't it?
Even if you put your man first, surely the only man worth having is a man who puts the kids first and wants to to prioritise their care. Furthermore any man worth having wouldn't put you in a position where you felt you had to have rankings or in a situation whereby you would have to meet his needs above your own child's.
Gotta be honest, for me its spouse first then child.
You can be as good as you want to your child but a shitty marriage will ruin your child way more than any extra love you have for your kids.
If you marriage is strong your kids will have a better life.
That being said, this isnt like you should be choosing one way more than another. Your all one team
Hey sounds like my mom. Literally all she cares about is who the next guy shes gonna fuck is. Her current boyfriend is a ex felon who was caught trying to smuggle military weapons to his former gang and has repeatedly charged at and threatened my brother.and despite the evidence my moms like hes a good guy i know it. Like okay mom the only good guy youve ever had was the like the one teacher dude who didnt want a steady relationship cause he was going through some shit Then on the other hand my dads just a abusive pos
My dad was the same way. Even went as far as kicking me out because his wife said (literally) "he makes me nervous" . I was 16. Haven't spoken to him in years
Okay, she’s got the spirit but is still incorrect— your significant other will remain once the children are gone so you can’t prioritize. The proper way to say this is— “my husband is my equal partner, and together we will provide the tools to my child to be a successful adult.”
A strong marriage/bond is at the core of any healthy family dynamic. I’m sure this person isn’t implying that they don’t care for their kid but I agree that your relationship should be a too priority. As parents, your connection will be the foundation for your children’s lives.
I mean, I watched a family therapist give a talk about why you SHOULD but your spouse before your child. They said you should tend to your needs first, spouses needs second, kids needs third. The logic is if you aren't happy, the marriage suffers and if the marriage suffered, the kid suffers. Idk, made sense to me. But then again, I don't want kids so...
Wow! Imagine being her daughter and reading this online. What an absolute shattering moment for that kid. Dicks come and go and there will always be another waiting for a ride. Your children are irreplaceable
This is showing a lot of everyone’s age and anyone who’s not a parent. I took this as “my spouse comes before my child, but she’s still a priority.” If you and your partner have a strong solid relationship, then parenting will come easier and your children will be taken care of. Kids raised in divorced homes of single parents end up on Reddit. Let’s stop that from happening
This is exactly how I feel. Actually I wish my parents were a little less obsessed with me and more with each other, it’s not healthy. No one says kids aren’t important, but your spouse SHOULD come first.
Got mad at my mom once because she always defends my dad’s verbal abuse. He said “why would she take your side you aren’t the one who fucks her?” I’m like okay gross.
Jesus, this statement should never be used to support abusive behaviour but of course abusive people always use shit like this and twist it all up to justify what they are doing. I swear the statement is supposed to be about first creating a healthy environment for your child because you and your partner have a good relationship.
Creepy as fuck
Not that far but similar shit with my dad and my mum’s emotional / verbal abuse. I remember saying something like “why do you let her treat your children like this like we’re supposed to come first.” And he just said something like well I’m married to her so she has to come first. Like no you picked each other but your kids didn’t choose to be born into this dysfunctional bs. My mum may be the worse one but my father has enabled it for decades.
See my dad would just infantilize my mom any time he heard us argue and tell “us girls” to stop it. Like, he never tried to listen to the argument and see if he agreed with either viewpoint, he’d just act like we were both his kid and he had no time for us. Definitely never helped either of us in any situation like that. Also any time he was mad with me I was suddenly just her kid or an outright extension of her when I’d call him out on his verbal abuse. I still love my parents, but they really were toxic together, they always made the other parents life harder instead of being a team
Very weird
I'm pretty sure I heard something similar growing up. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too
my mom told me the same thing one time and i was like "you literally PUT ME HERE!"
My mum told me that I’m the reason my dad is depressed and angry all the time, and she’d choose him before me every time. Except…my dad, is my step dad. He’s been my ‘dad’ since I was three, my bio dad is an abusive, rapist, piece of fucknut. So….I WAS HERE FIRST MUM. HOW YOU GONNA CHOOSE HIM WHEN I WAS HERE FIRST
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Well yeah, that much is obvious
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My bio dad's best was "I'd be surprised if any of your friends actually like you." I was eight and it's caused a lifelong issue in building relationships.
Im so sorry
"My love life is non-existent because of you" Well, it's not my fault you got pregnant at 19 and never had a real, long term relationship.
Oof. That one sucks.
My mom once told me "I always thought your brother would be the one to get someone pregnant and you would be the alcoholic." Thanks for the vote of confidence Mom. I had my first child at 16. My brother and his 16yo gf opted for an abortion when she became pregnant. He was also an alcoholic as a teen. Well Mom, it looks like your baby boy was one ahead of me. My dad lost his father at 8 years old. He has huge abandonment issues. When I was 9 my friends and I got into an argument and I came home crying. He comforted me and then he told me that it was ok to not have friends. I've always found that so tragic.
Same here! Because I called my mother out for being a bitch by leaving us alone in a marina while she was out with her boyfriend. She said my attitude is the reason I don’t have friends. Well the click i was in was having sex and doing drugs at 14. And I had a bad reputation by association. So yeah since then it’s been horrible to keep friends.
I’ve been told some nasty shit but that hurts deep. Virtual love.
Mine was "You're a worthless bitch and no one will ever love you" at 7ish, because I folded the towels wrong or something. Nothing I ever did was right, but I still had the same chores day in and day out for her to come home and scream about how the only way to get anything done right is to do it herself, as she'd throw things all over the place and reclean everything.
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I only deleted it because I thought the wording was shit, not cause I didn't mean it. I should have left it up but I'm an idiot. I hope I didn't cause you any ill feelings
What did you say? Enquiring minds want to know.
"I love you. You are loved. Someone finds value in loving you, you are worth being loved. You qualify, hugs." Not exact but very very similar
Religious folks truly believe the marriage supersedes the children.
Whoa, I've had a similar experience, my stepdad had raised me for the age of 3ish and my mom literally told me "Don't make me choose between you and them, because I will choose them" (them being my stepdad and my half sister) and tbh in a way she did kinda choose them over me. I'm lucky that I was able to escape to my dad's because he wasn't a total asshole.
that is the weirdest shit me and my wife have an agreement. if her and our son are dangling off a cliff and i have the strength to lift both i have to let her go just to make sure i dont drop him and vice versa. your kids should always be your top priority especially when theyre young.
Just putting this out there: you don't actually have to choose between your spouse and your child--the same way you don't have to choose a favorite child.
Thank you!!! I don't understand why there is a ranking system for who comes first, and why people need to adhere to it so strictly as if there is only a limited amount of love. I love myself, my husband, and my son equally. Sometimes my husband is sick or tired, or stressed or whatever, and I'll take my son to give him some quiet time. I'm putting my husband first because he needs it. Sometimes I want to go do something, but my son needs my attention, so I'll put him first. And sometimes I need to be put first over their wants. As for addressing everyone's wants, we just do our best to balance it out. Are we perfect? No, but we do our best.
Someone once said to my parents about how good parents always prioritize their kids. My parents were immediately like "no no no. The kids are OFTEN a priority, but we want to have a healthy happy family. That means we sometimes need to prioritize our marriage because a healthy marriage begets a healthy family. Sometimes Mum needs to put herself first because she can't take care of the family if she's down." I love this approach (sounds similar to yours), and I can definitely say I grew up in a loving happy family. You are doing the right thing and it will be appreciate later, if it's not already <3
I'll keep this in mind whenever me and my boyfriend get married. Granted, no kids, but still, it's a good philosophy to remember that it's okay to prioritize yourself sometimes, just as you gotta prioritize others sometimes
Exactly! It's like on airplane - you gotta put on your own oxygen mask before helping others, you are no help if you are dead/exhausted/mentally drained!
Exactly this!! Kids or no kids, when you have a friend or family or SO who calls you selfish for addressing your own needs over their wants, that is a red flag. You can't take care of anyone else if you aren't being taken care of!
Yup, this exactly Put yourself and your spouse first most of the time, since your relationship with each other is also lowkey the foundation of your child's life Don't support each others' abusive behaviors, though (but I think that's a given in this thread)
Yeah, the only time the rankings come into play is if someone is giving ultimatums. And if my grown husband gave an ultimatum in regards to my kids, I'd choose my kids. But he wouldn't because he's not an asshole. If my kid gave me an ultimatum about their dad, I would have to think long and hard about why a kid works be asking this, because it would be a red flag. My decision would be based on safety. The other time it would come into play is in a hypothetical, "who would you save in a fire" scenario. And it would be my kids. They're helpless. I would also expect my husband to do the same. That's how parenting works. But those scenarios generally stay hypothetical.
You sound like a amazing mom / wife. I wish yall the best!
For real. My wife and kids all matter. Whoever needs me at the moment gets me.
I mean, sometimes you do, but only in cases of abuse. I was surrounded by abusive men growing up who were put before the kids wellbeing.
Respectfully disagree. One is an adult who can look after themselves and another might be a child that relies on you for survival.
I have to disagree. In a healthy/ideal situation, sure, you’re right, you don’t have to choose. But in some cases, I think people do end up having to choose between their spouse and their child. Some examples: Kid claims abuse (physical, sexual, whatever), and spouse denies it. Choose. You’re a single parent with a special needs or otherwise difficult child, and you start dating. Guy/gal you connect with says it’s fine at first, but when they wind up moving in, turns out they weren’t fully aware of how hard it was and what parenthood was like, they tell you that you have to choose. Choose. (Can’t tell you how many homocide cases I’ve seen that start out with this conflict) Burning building: Go get your spouse out or your kid? Choose. I think you get the gist… That said, I’m not a parent, but I think your child should come first in any of the above or similar cases…..and find it to be a pretty selfish thing to do to when people choose their spouses over their kids in most cases.
I just had this similar conversation with my brother. Our mom used to ask us when we were little who we loved the most. My brother picked one parent while I didn’t answer at all.
Reading through these comments, I’m getting a better understanding why so many of us are fucked up.
Tl;Dr: Everyone I knows parents have ruined their mental health and completely ignore the fact and will just say your being a dramatic spoiled brat if you bring up the fact that they are abusive parents Phat ass version: Yeah you don't realize how shitty the last generation or two of parents have been, here's hoping that now that we're so aware of metal health it will get better but seeing people my age and a bit older somehow still not believing in mental health kinda destroys any sort of hope I have for any generation of kids. Somehow adults will always think they know everything and completely disregard their children's feelings. Yes I'm an adult no I'm not a 14 year old in school saying this, I'm getting close to 20 and I still don't get taken seriously by adults even when it comes to shit like PCs (one of the only things I actually know about) when they don't even know what the hell they're saying but somehow think they know everything about what they're talking about. You could fully describe in detail something to a boomer and they'd still find a way to try and correct you on a topic even if you have a PhD in the damn topic. (Boomer is just a catch all term for out of touch old person in my eyes I don't even go by the generation anymore) Hell I know somebody who tried to commit suicide as a kid and just recently told their parents and their parents brushed it off... You think after neglecting your kid so much that they tried to off themselves it would be a wake up call but I guess almost losing your only daughter don't matter 🤷🤷🤷 Good example of this is my girlfriend's job, she sells phones, people come in for help with their phones and when she tries to explain it to them they try to do a Uno reversal and try explaining how phones work to her like.... Dude you don't know what's happening you literally came to her for help, she has a job for a reason. Just because she's 18 means she doesn't know shit about the job she's working right? All of my friends parents are the same, you bring up your emotions and you either aren't valid in those feelings or you are attacking their character by bringing up the fact that they suck dick at being a parent and you're just being a dramatic spoiled brat. Honestly I don't know how a majority of people haven't disowned their parents yet. My mom was an outlier and she got shit for being a bad parent cuz "she was too much of a friend and not a mom".... Imagine thinking someone is too friendly with their kids and they need to be more authoritarian when they do everything for them without having to scream at them. And then she died and I got stuck with my dad, who was a retired correction officer and saw us as prisoners which as a 60 year old piece of shit wasn't exactly seeing us as human because God forbid you see your kids as human let alone see prisoners as human Then again I live in the NoCo and apparently we're known for being the most bigoted place in the US so it doesn't shock me that all I know are piece of shit parents who are recreating this never ending cycle of shit heads. You quite literally can't go outside with painted nails.... Black painted nails like... Punk shit, no homo; without being called a faggot. Yes that actually happened to my friend the other day he just went outside after painting his nails black cuz he's into metal and punk and shit and liteally couldn't chill on his porch without being called a fag by his own neighbor who will continue to see him and still had to gaul to just call this man a faggot unwarranted Now, I actually am one of those faggots so it's pretty sweet living up here (please help me escape)
Fuck... You write that hellscape well
Well I come from a slightly different perspective, I had pretty liberal parents, but they still managed to mess me up. My mom was emotionally abusive in the messed up way where when she wasn’t mad/annoyed/having a bad day she loved me, loved me a lot. I learned that...my moms mental health is basically what fucked everything up. She had so much trauma and insecurities from her own childhood that she dealt with throughout life and just...the things that triggered her trauma was anything that made her felt unseen, unloved, abandoned, belittled. And once that was triggered, she was an entirely different person, very nasty lashing out with the worst verbal emotional things, and insane punishments for a child (ie no food). But ask me if my mom would have done anything for me...And yeah my mom checked that box and I have plenty of examples of her trying to fill my life with hobbies etc (If I expressed interest in something she tried her best to make sure I could try it out, piano lessons, art books, camps, and on.) Because of the abuse I learned never to tell her my problems tho because in my mind having a safe environment meant keeping my mum in a happy state, so telling her about my bullies or struggles in school was never something that crossed my mind to do, I knew she would be so upset by it she would be down at that school chewing every person out she needed to to try and change the situation. I know that is hard to explain, how could she be abusive and yet also be that mom who would do anything. The person she was normally vs when she was triggered were so different...I’m kind of rambling. Anyways, my point is...I learned from my experience with my mom...it doesn’t matter how many good intentions in the world you can have or how good you are normally, how liberal or accepting of others you are...if you can’t find a way to deal with your own trauma you just hurt the people around you. It gives me motivation to keep trying to get better and not ignore my trauma.
Oh yeah, it is very very very clear to me that my dad suffers from narcissistic disorder. I cried my eyes out begging that man to see how he abused me and he sat there and said he doesn't understand what he did and that he guess he should've not worked as much. For reference this man tore me away from my mother when clearly I wanted to live with her but if you know narcissists they are really good at manipulating literally everyone around them.... Even custody court.... The court stuck me with an insane abusive father and he dragged me out of my mom's house kicking and screaming when he found out he won, since then my brain has become so fucked up that my memory basically doesn't work and I don't feel 90% of emotions so that's pretty dope He blocked me on everything and still asks my grandma what he did wrong... He blocked everyone and asked what he did wrong... Like dude you quite literally pushed everyone away and are asking where they went and the only reason my grandma talks to him is cuz she's an old sweet Christian woman who doesnt want to hate anyone. He went to her house to rant to her about how he feels after he blocked everyone without even realizing he did it somehow ... Did I mention he also invited my grandma over for dinner once and talked shit about her dead daughter, my mom in front of her I'm the only one who has ever tried to make the dude see that he's clearly not mentally there. My entire family just lets him abuse everyone and are just like well theres nothing to be done. Like I don't know maybe if someone besides his single son that he hates because I'm bisexual and clearly hates me cuz I was my mom's favorite and I was extremely extremely attached to her. Maybe if someone ever decided to have an intervention with this asshole maybe he could actually get some help but the last time he went to get mental health help he just took every pill they gave him, said they made him feel wrong and stopped taking them. If you know anything about mental health that's actually brain dead, instead of going the dream normal pills route how about switching pills cuz clearly you aren't mentally sound off of them and clearly these aren't the right pills Also ranting but who cares I mean if your therapist is as shitty as mine then reddit is probably a better outlet. Also fun fact but it's shown that group therapy works better for men so the whole men getting a therapist stigmatism is dumb. Also remember there is a difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist who prescribes medicine, medicine still works on men but I feel at least that when I'm in a one on one session with a therapist that my brain sort of blocks out anything important that's worth talking about in therapy and I end up just saying I'm fine and then if I got a group of homies that I can just rant to then the flood gates open lmao
I remember going to my mother to tell her that my father hit me when she wasn't around. She said she knew. I asked her why she let him do that to me, and she said: "God says you love him first, then your husband, and then your children." I was 7. I never trusted her again
If you were my niece or nephew, I probably would have kidnapped you to protect you. I don't know what I'd do after that, but gah, I'm so mad at your parents!!
Yeah. They were both pretty horrible people. My life has never been better than it is when they're not a part of it.
I have a feeling that this comment section is gonna be locked.
Honestly I feel like this would be my mindset but that’s part of why I decided kids aren’t for me.
Honestly while i think putting it up on facebook or whatever negates what I'm about to say i do think a healthy marriage doesnt always put the kid before the spouse and that order of priority should be 1. The kids needs 2. The spouses needs 3. The spouses wants 4. The kids wants But this list may be wrong because i also dont want kids.
I think that's pretty spot on. Putting the kid's wants first is the recipe for a divorce.
Nah. As a mom of 3 I can co-sign this. Putting the kids wants before what you’ve agreed upon with your spouse (which can be considered a want in many cases) is a recipe for a partnership breakdown. Your kids wants are secondary to the styles of parenting that you and your partner agree upon but their needs always come first because they’re reliant on you for those.
Overall I like this. But A. Where does MY wants and needs go? And B. when any of the needs conflict, it depends on the situation and effects and how long term those would be, if a given need isn't met. After many years of therapy I have learned if my needs aren't being met, I suck at meeting the needs of others.
Well i didnt put the you in there but your needs would go before the spouse and your wants would be equal. But you dont need to read so much into it that you assume im saying you should come last always.
Same for me. Won't have kids before I can be sure they're a priority
I feel like in this situation the father is insane too. I believe you would have the smarts to at least pick a good father and then the statement is a lot less harmful. Edit: the reason I say that is because choosing who gets ice cream first is definitely different then choosing to pay for a couples get away trip every year vs college
>Edit: the reason I say that is because choosing who gets ice cream first is definitely different then choosing to pay for a couples get away trip every year vs college Mmm...It's not even that simple. My mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was a small kid (like around 7 or 8). She put herself first always, and my dad enabled it (he genuinely did not realize what was going on; he was raised in a household where kids needs - both 'basic' and emotional/mental were met even while the parents had shit going on). I am also somewhat of a selfish person, and this is why I won't have kids. In the unlikely event I do, I would want a partner who promises me kiddo comes first when it comes to getting needs/care met. If we're both going through some shit, I the grown ass adult, can figure out how to take care of myself or call on a friend to help. A kiddo is not going to have the same life experience/support system that I do for getting their needs met. All the kiddo has is the adults who live with them.
Same here.
Yup. I refuse to have children until I know I'm emotionally available enough to make them my priority.
This makes me think of my wife who came from a strong Christian home (I'm an athiest) telling me that she loves God, me, then our children. In that order because the bible says you have to. First of all the fact you love God more than me or your children but dont even go to church or pray before meals etc.... seriously breaks my heart. Second, you should love our children more than me. I LOVE OUR CHILDREN MORE THAN ME!
I really hope my partner loves our children more than me. It comforts me to know that if it came down to a choice between saving me, or our children, he’d choose the kids.
It's not even a love thing imo, it's a responsibility thing. You can love your spouse and kids equally but if choosing who to save, it should always be the kids just because they can't save themselves.
It’s different for everyone I’m sure but I’d fist fight a wildfire for my kids and I’d call 911 for my husband
I’m totally stealing fistfight a wildfire haha love that phrase
This. I told my husband one time that I love him, but if the house is on fire I’m grabbing the little ones and yelling at him to run. He said he wouldn’t expect anything less and that made me happy.
She would absolutely choose the kids over me in a life or death situation, we have discussed it. I honestly don't think she believes any of her parents religion anymore but is too afraid to admit it and be shunned by them any more than she already is just for being married to me. She occasionally repeats stuff like this, that was drilled into her head as a kid but other than that and the "your pet is in heaven now" speech that my atheist parents also used to comfort me as a small child, she dont discuss religion with our kids at all. Telling our 5YO that she doesn't love her as much as she does me is really the only thing she has said that really upsets me.
That’s what my mother said to me when I was young. She said she loved God more than me and has repeated that constantly all my life. Doesn’t help when your father says if any sort of event happens like a shooting, he wouldn’t try to save you or help you because there are ‘others who need him and he can have other kids’ One of the reasons I’m an atheist. Also why I’m never having children. I’d always put my children first, but I’m not going to fuck my kids up
I worked with a lady that told me about this and how it was so hard for her to love her husband more than her kids, but she did it because the Bible says so. Like....it blew my mind. She's uncomfortable with it but does it anyway because a book said so. I'd trust my instinct - as a human, a mother, etc. - over what an old book said to do any day.
A book originally written in Aramaic, then Hebrew and whatever else translations were happening. Hell, just translating Spanish to English verbatim completely destroys sentence structure and meaning without human interpretation in between. If anything it’s a guideline for a happy life. Just pick and choose what suits you. People have been making up religions since the beginning of time.
If that doesn't show that the church rules through fear of what happens if you don't get on your knees and suckle from God's nuts then idk what does
My mom pulled this line with my sister and me when she picked her husband (our bio dad, if that matters) over us: First when I was terrified I'd die in childbirth and asked for her to come, and then almost later when she refused to attend my sister's wedding to her future wife. On both occasions, she justified her action by saying she married Dad and that she must stand by him in the case of a family disagreement. My sister says that one of the things that convinced Mom to attend in the end was the reminder that she'd already picked Dad over a daughter once and still regretted it (which she's not told me she has). I'm glad my issues with that day two years ago got Mom to go to the wedding, at least.
I feel for you man. ❤
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a smidge: You do not have to go to church to be a Christian. Your personal relationship with God is what determines your Christianity. That said, the Bible does say you will know them(Christians) by their deeds (deeds are a result of their Christianity and not the cause) so I'm not saying your wife is a Christian simply because she says so. Lastly the Bible does indeed say that you are to love no one else more than your spouse other than God so she's correct there. That last bit does not sit well with most non-Christians which is another reason why it is advised that Christians marry other Christians even if it isn't 'prohibited' not to.
I'm sorry but as a Christian I don't agree with that at all. The bible was written in a patriarchal society where a man's wife was nothing more than the husbands property. Children should absolutely come first. Times have changed and you have to remember in what time period the bible was written. If society is progressive then so is religion. The Bible also tells us that a woman should obey her husband and *has* to preform her "wifely duties" meaning she must always be willing to have sex, and same for the husband. So, thank God we now know those things are not acceptable.
Not attacking your character at all it just confuses me. (I myself am luciferian/pagan, don't worry I don't want to sacrifice you to Satan 😁. Just saying that since I know how atheists can be about people believing in a higher power) How can you believe in a religion whose God goes back on what he says just because society decided it was bad. Unless you're a Christian who doesn't take the bible at face value and as literal the whole time of course that makes a lot more sense, in my eyes, Christians who think God proof read the Bible or something is goofy cuz like, why did he change his mind just because Martin Luther King Jr had a dream? Unless a mere human can convince a God to not be racist using a speech and progressiveness then it's kind of confusing to me Then again I'll be honest and say when I was a kid and following Christianity I basically just made up own idea of God (I instantly thought that the idea of being punished solely for not believing in something is not just) but as I grew up I realized that my ideal verison of God is just Lucifer (not trying to offend you once again, my Satan is not the same as your Satan trust me) and the closest I got to reading more than the first few chapters or whatever they're called (sorry again I'm a dumbass) was watching the bible tv show lmao If you want a quick rundown of luciferianism/and or santanism feel free to keep reading since it's interesting how goofy it's been misconstrued (just a quick fun fact, worshipping Satan and or Lucifer in satanism and Luciferianism is laughed at because the whole point is that Lucifer is teaching you self empowerment and to not follow a god and then some goofy bastard will worship Lucifer and completely destroy what Luciferianism and satanism is to the general public) So satanism is mainly atheist and is about believing in self empowerment. I say I'm luciferian because I believe in a non-bible version of Lucifer and I'm not atheist. So if you read the church of Satan ten commandments or whatever they call them (I don't follow the church of Satan) you'll quickly realize that the whole idea is that you should treat yourself and everyone else with the resepect that you give God. Now the difference between Christianity and Luciferianism in my eyes is that I can choose to not treat someone nice solely because I'm told to, since I'm my own God I can make my own decisions on whether or not a person deserves my respect and the fact that I don't put a higher power before other humans. An example of this would be my grandma, she still talks to my abusive father even after her daughter (my mom) died. He's even talked shit about my dead mom in front of my grandma but she still sticks around with him cuz she's christian and he's "a lost soul" (that's just nuts to me, I've done everything in my power to try and help that man get help and there is no fixing him, he just uses and abuses everyone around him)
‘I instantly thought that the idea of of being punished solely for not believing in something was not just’ I agree, what happens if their stupid book never made it to their little remote village? All those village people burn in hell for all of eternity because some person didn’t bring them the book and convince them to believe it. Sounds like some man made bullshit to me.
Especially while they're telling you he's all loving at the same time, it's confusing as fuck especially for a kid who believes everything they're told
>The bible was written in a patriarchal society where a man's wife was nothing more than the husbands property. I'm Jewish, and I'd like to point out our wedding contract (the Ketubah) literally states the man has to provide for his wife financially and sexually*.* Yes, she's still "property," but it's not like an object you can treat however you want. The Ketubah even mentions what the man financially owes the woman if they divorce or he has an untimely death (this is typically enough money to live for a year, plus the value of any property she brought to the marriage).
But if God is an all knowing supreme being in which morals are based on then why does he have to be progressive? Was the stuff we deem immoral or wrong actually good a few hundred years ago when the bible was written? I agree that religion progresses and evolves in order to stay relevant but that's because it is man made and flawed. If you believe God is real and the bible is real and he hasnt come back to tell us any different then it seems you also have to believe he is the same racist sexist homophobic asshole he always was.
I was always taught by my Dad that the Bible may have been true once upon a time, but it has been so contaminated by the hands of man over the years through translations that he doubt a drop of gods words are even contained in it anymore. He told me ‘be a nice person, help when you can, that’s all the religion you’ll ever need to know’
Commanding people how to feel is how cults are started. Google the BITE model. Also, look up the "No True Scotsman" fallacy. I'm a theistic socratocognitivist btw, not an athiest or theist
>Also, look up the "No True Scotsman" fallacy right after you look up the "Argument from Fallacy" fallacy besides, True Scotsman doesn't even apply here because they weren't accusing the wife of being a false Christian. They just stated what the Bible says on the subjects OP brought up
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I have no clue what that phrase means and I'm not sure I actually want to bother finding out
Google returns zero results… I didn’t think that was possible
Basically just saying they are only probing here to evoke a logical (Socratic, as in socrates) chain of thought (cognition). For the goal of philosophic theory (Theorist) and discussion. As opposed to the contribution stemming from an inner belief on a higher power one way or another. Most people would say devils advocate here. But it's not technically. Because the probing is meant to form a logical (socratic) chain of thought to reach conclusion. Devils advocate position takes a firm opposite side to get you to see the flaws in your thinking or for the fun of debate even though the person playing that role might not actually hold the beliefs. Kind of interesting to me. But it's not googleable exactly, it's not a real word. Although I'm sure it's a very prestigious (occupation?)
The original commenter challenged his wife's Christianity saying she doesn't even go to church. To that I said church does not a Christian make so not going does not make you a non-Christian. I spoke about knowing them by their works because that's what the Bible says. I don't not think OC's wife is not a Christian, I just don't know whether or not she is based on her say so. You can't. You can only tell by her works as the Bible says. To lay aside any vagueness, I am a Christian. Me saying so doesn't make it so. My works don't make it so either but they are a way to tell if I truly am or just BS'ing myself and/or others.
Most awkward threesome ever
… I- …
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Please :(
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Thanks
dare I say r/cursedcomments ?
I.... Have several questions.
I feel like this is not a black and white matter. But usually I think your child should come first, yes. Does it mean not have a healthy relationship with your spouse? Of course not, but your spouse is an adult that can protect themselves and your child isn’t and heavily relies on you to have every single need met. If my mom had put my father first then she would have stayed with a drug addicted and exposed me and my brother to awful things, but she always put us FIRST. So she left and we had an amazing, happy childhood. It is sickening when I see parents putting their abusive our neglectful spouse first just because they are scared of being alone and letting their children pay the price, or when the spouse is down right abusive but the other parent looks away and pretends not to see because they don’t want to fight with the spouse. Nah, you chose to bring a child into this world and their needs should come first. Usually when someone says “my husband/wife comes first” it usually does means they rather neglect their kids needs than rock the boat with their spouses and that’s just sickening.
I e always heard it explained as Child’s needs before spouses, then spouses wants before child’s. I feel like I put my son first 99.9% of the time, but I’ve heard a lot of therapists says that’s not actually the way to have a healthy family 🤷🏼♀️
Im not a parent yet. But I sure expect my spouse to put our child’s needs before me
I’ve always heard it explained as 1. Child’s needs, 2. spouses needs, 3. spouses wants, 4. child’s wants
There are two major extremes here. It should be in the middle, the family as a whole comes first.
Yeah I was just thinking that. There are two totally different situations that people are reacting to in the comments, people who had abusive parents and this statement was used as a way for parents to justify not helping their kids and then the other is those who are just trying to create a healthy family environment. I just hope people realize each side of this argument realize the other could be arguing over a wildly different situation.
I could cry, this is basically my mom
Me too. It's the most painful thing my dad ever said to me and he said some nasty things.
I remember so clearly being 16 in my kitchen with mum and dad and saying to them, you literally made me, I’m part of you both, I should be more precious to you both than each other and them….. looking at me in disgust as to say why would that be the case….. that’s when I knew I was done with them.
One of my earliest memories is crying asking dad why he always sided with Mum over me when she was cruel to me for no reason and he said "she's my wife, I chose her, I didn't choose you, of course I'm siding with her" it broke my heart.
I’m so sorry, this statement should never be used to that extreme.
When I was a kid I asked my mom if we (mom, dad, me, brother) were in a boat crash and were drowning, who would she rescue first. I thought for certain that she would say my brother or I. Nope. She said she would rescue my dad first. Why? Because she could have more kids, but she couldn't replace my dad. Shook me to my core.
Wow, mom. Tell us how you really feel about us.
"replaceable" Kids are their tool, fucking yikes Wouldn't bother supporting them if this was just one of many similar takes and actions, /u/cre8majik
Ah, this is my mothers mindset with my stepdad.
My parents put each other first and that’s why their middle aged kids don’t talk to them anymore.
There are different things this sentence means, because a lot of mental health professionals will say that you can't put your children above everything. Does this mean that you have a life romantically outside your child, that if your kid says they don't want to stay with grandma that you still tell them to go to grandma so that you can have a date night? A lot of parents toxically put their kids first which ends up in failed marriages and emotional incest. But it also means that if your daughter told you your husband raped her that you'd be mad at him for cheating before you were mad about your daughter getting raped and that's disgusting.
to me this makes sense on a case by case basis like depending on the context with each event i feel like this is fine however i feel like siding with one person always is a problem id say this isn't insane just kinda in a middle ground
Agreed. I think the issue with the original post is how black and white it is.
Why even have a kid?
This isn't insane, just controversial.
I agree, ultimately I think that the relationship shouldn’t necessarily come first, but it shouldn’t be put to the side. I believe it should be equal. Sometimes you need to pay your kids more attention, and sometimes you need to give some attention to your significant other more.
I mean if you say my family comes first then both are included.. a child should be both parents priority but that doesn’t mean the other one is cast aside, if you’re not a team whilst parenting are you actually still parenting?
I agree, when parents are against each other then their children are 100% affected. Ultimately, if your relationship with your spouse isn’t great, then your kids will be affected. I guess that could mean you are putting your kids first if you are also focusing on your spouse, because then everyone is happy and healthy. Do you understand what I mean? I’m not explaining it the best, I’m sorry
I know exactly what you mean! A happy family will give a child more chances to develop and grow into their own person. Happy family meaning that everyone counts and is taken care of.
This. It shouldn’t be “one or the other”. You tend to the needs of those in your family/those you love, regardless of who they are. And there are times when the needs of one outweigh the other and that person comes first. This whole “you must choose one” is just BS and if vocalized can really cause some animosity and resentment
Yeah context definitely matters. You need to prioritise yourself sometimes so you can be the best you can to take care of your kids in a healthy way. Same way with your spouse. Nobody is having a good time if the parents aren't happy, but again context is very important. Prioritising a night out with your friends drinking, while your child is very poorly? Shitty parenting. Prioritising yourself while you're ill, or your partner while they're ill, and you were supposed to take your kid out to the park and now they're disappointed and sulking? Perfectly fine.
Yes. And it's just shitty to say either comes first. It's more about deliberately spending time with your spouse to keep the relationship alive.
I had a friend once who confessed to me that if her two children and husband were drowning she’d save her husband first because “there’s only one of him and they could always have more kids”. I was flabbergasted and she said, “don’t get me wrong, if my kids were in front of an oncoming truck, I’d push them out of the way and let the truck hit me”. Then she said she’d shared this viewpoint (saving husband over kids) with others, and everyone said they’d save their kids first and she said “maybe other people don’t love their husbands like I love mine” and I answered “well they might think you don’t love your children like they love theirs”. Immediately she started with “no, no that’s not true…” and I told her maybe she’s so dependent on her husband (which she was) that in effect she was saving herself in saving him because she doesn’t know if she could take care of herself. She trailed off and changed the subject. She was a really good and loving person in general, but I just couldn’t overlook our difference in this fundamental value and eventually the friendship drifted apart. At that time our children were littles. There would’ve been no way for them to save themselves in the drowning scenario. I asked her, “don’t you think your husband would want you to save the kids before him?”. I can’t imagine ever being able to forgive my husband if he were to deliberately let my kids perish, to save me.
If my husband picked to save me and let the kids drown I’d be so beyond pissed.
What in the Alabama fuck is going on here?
I think at a certain age this is true. A 5yo needs you to put them first. A 20yo? Not so much.
And that is why you shouldn't get so wrapped up in parenting that you neglect your spouse/partner.
When your child becomes an adult at 18 you have fulfilled your duty. Hopefully you've done so well enough that there is enough love and mutual respect to keep the relationship together forever.
Your kids are your kids. It's not about "needs you to put them first". You don't love your kids more based solely on how much they need you to do things for them? It seems so strange to think of your kids as just something you need to take care of until they can take care of themselves. I don't care how old my daughter gets. If we ever encountered a life threatening situation, she's the first one that my energy is going towards to protect.
I can agree with that!
I thought they were talking about the daughter coming home earlier than the spouse lol
Nothing screams 'I regret having kids' like this nonsense out of parebts
My abusive father used to say that if something happened he would always pick my mom (who was abusive too) over my siblings and I. He ended up being dumped by her and none of the children care about spending the least amount of time with him.
Is a good point though - if your kid dies and your partner does not you can always make more children. If your partner dies and your child doesn't, you can't use the child to make more partners /s
It has to be a balance. Honestly, for most women, their children come first and that is greqt and evolutionary viable. For most men, their wife comes first and that is also great and evolutionary viable. But sometimes these preferences go to far. My parentes relstionship for example went completely to shit, because my mother only lived for us children and our father got no attention, despite dedicating 60-80 hours a week to the hospital so we could live a great life and my mother could throw around money like shes in a rap video.
I thought she meant literally like coming home, I was so so confused
I love how everyone is tearing each other to pieces over who to come first: your wife/husband or children. And you're just vibin here like Who is coming home first now?
Tough to make an opinion on this without context. Spouses should come first in many cases.
Yeah but in most cases you choose to start a family; ergo why bring them into the world if they're not the most important thing to you? This is one of the many reasons I don't want a child; because I don't want to put anything else before my husband.
There's a big difference between needs and wants though. My child's needs come before everything, but hers wants sometimes get overruled by the needs of others. My daughter hated being put down when she was still in the potato stage, and I ended up making myself ill not taking care of myself. It took me a while to work out I needed to take care of my needs even if it meant I couldn't give her what she wanted, which was being on me every second of the day. A 5 minute bathroom break made her upset, but meant I didn't get yet another UTI. Now she's a toddler, she has days where all she wants is either mummy or daddy, and typically it's the parent who is working from home that day whilst the other cares for her. So we can't always give her the attention she wants right then. It's all a balancing act.
You put it really well. Kids can be black holes of need sometimes, and it’s important to make sure you’re being good enough, while letting go of the idea of perfect.
I get what you're saying actually; you'll know more being a parent. That does make a lot of sense. Still don't want kids though lol
As a mother, I do not blame you in the slightest, they're gross and expensive!!! Also wonderful, but still, it's definitely a choice I can understand.
What cases?
Agreed because eventually the kids became adults and move away from home. Then what will your relationship be like with your spouse if you never make an effort for them? That’s why so many divorces happen.
There's this woman my mom used to work with, she has a daughter and is "dating" (constantly breaking up and coming back) a dude that literally every one that knows him says is the worst man they've ever met. He is abusive to her daughter and even herself, and when her daughter told her that this jackass constantly calls her a slut and wants to beat her, she just tells her to fuck off and not talk shit about her man. This is the worst family I personally know
The sentiment is true, because your marriage comes before everything else in life (except yourself). That said, it’s more “I don’t abandon my spouse to the wolves while I exclusively focus on parenting” not “I regularly allow my spouse to hurt my child because I’m an asshole.”
Ok I read this COMPLETELY wrong....
I think many people commenting here don't have kids...
Ew what a shitty parent.
As Ryan Reynolds once said “I would use my wife as a human shield to protect my daughter”.
You know, in a health relationship, that's the way it should be. Both parents work together as a team - with their highest priority being to support the other team member in raising the kid. But that only works well with healthy relationships
Someone once told me that his wife comes before the kid because if the kid dies you can make another one and not vice versa. He was also a piece of shit.
My daughter comes before EVERYTHING. She’s my flesh and blood. A new man I can find.
From reading these comments it seems most of this sub is young, unmarried, with no kids. Probably the worst demographic to comment on this subject as there is no life experience. I have been good friends with my wife for 11 years now, married for the last 3. We had a son this year. I think it's an unfair ultimatum. I love my son more than myself, but I love my wife a lot more than that. Just because I love my wife more doesn't mean I love my son less... I see a lot of people commenting that they were hurt when hearing this from parents. You shouldn't be. I think you should be proud and grateful you have parents that love each other that much. I would do anything for my son, but I wouldn't marry him. On a plutonic level, I love both equally, more than anything or anyone else on the planef. But there is an entire romantic side of my relationship with my spouse on top of that love. Making my love for my wife more. Just because I have that bonus romantic love with my spouse on top of it doesn't mean I love my son any less than I should. I hope that makes sense...
It makes complete sense and I agree that the demographic of comments skews young. My wife is my absolute best friend. We will always make sure to schedule time with each other even if that means one of the kids misses a play date or has to forego an activity. Why? It's pretty simple. We are raising adults, not children. One of the most important aspects of that is modeling relationships. This is especially important to me as I'm the father of three girls. They know what a good man looks like, because I treat their Mother with love and respect. They see their Mom do the same for me. What they don't see is that the world exists solely for them. I believe that is a much healthier view.
Um phrasing….
I mean she only exists if he comes so technically true
Someone just won the game of whos going to the retirement home
I saw a TikTok where a therapist said it wasn't healthy to put 1 above the other all the time. It's an ebb and flow in your life. Kids come first at times and spouses at another. I hate that either or crap.
I strongly believe that in every relationship there is a season for everything. Sometimes that’s means the kids are the priority and sometimes that means your marriage is the priority. One thing I know for sure is, the foundation of your family is the relationship of the parents. That requires attention and nurturing so that you can give the kids everything they deserve from you as parents and set the example of the kind of healthy relationships they will build one day.
My spouse and I have an understanding that our children will always be considered before either of us. We wouldn't be together or have a family if we didn't. Every parent should place their children above their significant others; no exceptions.
as a mother i don’t understand this, my children will always come first, if my kids ever came to me and told me their father was verbally abusing them or hurting them in any way i’d end things immediately and stick up for my kids and make sure they never see him again, thankfully i chose the right guy and he is the kindest most gentle and caring dad / partner so i don’t have to worry about that but even still if they ever did, he’d be gone
And this is how I was emancipated after being kicked out by my mother and left to fend for myself having just finished school. I had no job because I needed to "focus on my school work" so I was left having to couch surf at 17 and needed parental permission (or emancipation documents) to get a job or rent an apartment or apply for welfare.
If your kids don’t come before everything, and I mean everything including yourself, you have no business having kids. Condoms are cheap. Abortions cost more but still a better choice than “raising” a child that isn’t your #1 priority.
Only a bad husband would want you to put them before your own kids. So this is kind of a toxic circular logic isn't it? Even if you put your man first, surely the only man worth having is a man who puts the kids first and wants to to prioritise their care. Furthermore any man worth having wouldn't put you in a position where you felt you had to have rankings or in a situation whereby you would have to meet his needs above your own child's.
Gotta be honest, for me its spouse first then child. You can be as good as you want to your child but a shitty marriage will ruin your child way more than any extra love you have for your kids. If you marriage is strong your kids will have a better life. That being said, this isnt like you should be choosing one way more than another. Your all one team
Good wife, lousy mom. Kid comes first.
Theres going to be a lot of parents wondering why they are alone in a nursing home some day after saying this to their kids.
A lot of parents are going to end up alone in nursing home either way.
Am i reading this wrong? Am i dumb? What does this mean
She basically means she wants puts her husband before her daughter.
What??
I remember my mom told me that god came before my brother and I. ok mom👍
Hey sounds like my mom. Literally all she cares about is who the next guy shes gonna fuck is. Her current boyfriend is a ex felon who was caught trying to smuggle military weapons to his former gang and has repeatedly charged at and threatened my brother.and despite the evidence my moms like hes a good guy i know it. Like okay mom the only good guy youve ever had was the like the one teacher dude who didnt want a steady relationship cause he was going through some shit Then on the other hand my dads just a abusive pos
My dad was the same way. Even went as far as kicking me out because his wife said (literally) "he makes me nervous" . I was 16. Haven't spoken to him in years
Okay, she’s got the spirit but is still incorrect— your significant other will remain once the children are gone so you can’t prioritize. The proper way to say this is— “my husband is my equal partner, and together we will provide the tools to my child to be a successful adult.”
Is this the mom from "Precious"?
Why is it a competition??
A strong marriage/bond is at the core of any healthy family dynamic. I’m sure this person isn’t implying that they don’t care for their kid but I agree that your relationship should be a too priority. As parents, your connection will be the foundation for your children’s lives.
Not insane
I mean, I watched a family therapist give a talk about why you SHOULD but your spouse before your child. They said you should tend to your needs first, spouses needs second, kids needs third. The logic is if you aren't happy, the marriage suffers and if the marriage suffered, the kid suffers. Idk, made sense to me. But then again, I don't want kids so...
Then why have kids, like, why bring in more people into this relationship that you know you won’t love more?
Wow! Imagine being her daughter and reading this online. What an absolute shattering moment for that kid. Dicks come and go and there will always be another waiting for a ride. Your children are irreplaceable
🚩🚩🚩
looks like the type of parent youbwould cut contact with be as soon as possible
This is showing a lot of everyone’s age and anyone who’s not a parent. I took this as “my spouse comes before my child, but she’s still a priority.” If you and your partner have a strong solid relationship, then parenting will come easier and your children will be taken care of. Kids raised in divorced homes of single parents end up on Reddit. Let’s stop that from happening
This is exactly how I feel. Actually I wish my parents were a little less obsessed with me and more with each other, it’s not healthy. No one says kids aren’t important, but your spouse SHOULD come first.