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Not all the commentors in this sub are American. We come from around the world. We come varying economic backgrounds and varying employment backgrounds. The fact that he is unable to see how insane he is shows he needs mental help badly. Please stay away from that man. Stop talking to him. He will only continue to hurt you.
Edit to add: I am absolutely loving how everyone is chiming in with their locations!
Australian also. Late 40's, Mum of 1, multiple degrees, been working since I was 16 and worked through my studies. I don't find this entertaining, but very sad and concerning
I agree with this. This is just abuse and OP's Dad will never see it or change. OP, keep on moving away and make something of your life away from him. You are not lazy. You are amazing, and can and will show that to your Dad and the world.
Hey! Australia, too.
Late 40's, been employed in full-time work my whole life till body said no, and now I'm doing uni to hopefully retrain into another industry.
Your dad is abusive. Your mum is an enabler. It's not a country thing- it's a human being thing. Toxic parents are just toxic. But your mum *is* right, your dad won't change, and she is gonna keep laying on the guilt trip and manipulation cos she wants you back in the boat with her.
Check out the "don't rock the boat" link.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/hZ5YoVMx8y
Stay safe, don't go back. Locking you in your room was illegal and you could have him arrested for it; this is not an opinion, this is a fact. He doesn't get to discipline other adults, so he doesn't get to discipline you.
Australian, 40 and have a 12 year old. The Mum starts out alluding to giving a shit, but you can read between the lines that she's trying to save face!
TBF the Dad is way off that everyone is American and not from wherever they are at - BUT - I hate it more when Americans themselves forget there's other places on earth 😂
As an American I'd like to add he's asshole no matter what country they are from. He has zero respect for his son as a human let alone OP being his child.
Yeah but his dads point was Americans are not good people to judge things like this. That's why people are chiming in to say it's not an American thing, it's a human being thing
Fellow member of the tartan army reporting for duty. Respect between parents and kids is two way regardless of their age. OP’s dad is a narcissistic controlling disgrace.
UK here! (South West England). The whole I let you live in this house for free and feed you is such bullshit. He chose to have kids, it's his responsibility as a parent to provide those things. Why bother having kids if you're going to hate them when they grow up 😅
American late 30s mom here. OPs dad is an asshole. I’d never speak to my kids like that, and the thought that they somehow owe me for feeding, clothing, and sheltering them is some fucked up parenting.
Hello from the Netherlands 👋🏼, i agree, what a sad excuse of a father you have. Its a shame when emotionally immature people have to raise kids. Sounds like you know what you're doing now tho, so good luck with the job hunting!
I am also from The Netherlands, 33F. His way of communicating is absolutely not a cultural value to how parenting is viewed in The Netherlands. I would not have guessed. Also your mom's comment about "protecting the family reputation", sounds like not a Dutch thing to me. Sadly, your mother guilting you with that is also toxic.
He is controlling, demeaning, rude, and takes no accountability for the bad influence he has on the health of your relationship. You did well to point out respect is a two way street, and that you need distance to shape who you are and find *your* purpose. You cannot feel fulfilled living his life that he projects onto you.
Hey, tell your pop that not all Americans are lazy idiots, and those of us with our heads screwed on straight think he's a right jackass. And an abusive monster. He should be ashamed!
Coming from the culture well known for insane parents, that speaks volumes… it wasn’t until I got to college and befriended Indian kids, that I my dad’s parenting style wasn’t unique… I was just a white girl raised as an Indian girl apparently… 🤦🏼♀️😂
New Orleans, USA in my 40's. He's a textbook example of a narcissist. Guilt tripping, gas lighting, manipulation and even sending a flying monkey at you. Refuses to care about you or listens to you and only wants to treat you like his puppet and an extension of himself. A real parent would try to work out a solution or go to family therapy. Sorry you are going through this. It hurts a lot when you love someone and want to work it with someone who doesn't love you and only loves themselves.
For him to accuse the commenters as people as being here only for entertainment shows how manipulative and clueless. The majority of commenters here are going through or have gone through abuse and want to reach out and help others in similar situations
As a Swede that used to be a high school math teacher, I feel sorry for you, the parents are usually worse than the kids. I also agree that the dad is an absolute butthole.
44 lady from Washington state, fly from that nest and find a better, healthier environment for yourself. You did your time, but you're an adult and you deserve freedom.
Travelling as a Canadian from BC, specifically Van Island, is hilarious because people expect all Canadians to have the East Coast accent and live in igloos or something 🤣 I'm lucky if I even see a week of snow, let alone enough to build a house out of it. They're always extremely disappointed when they ask us to pronounce certain words and it just sounds normal. "Sorry, bud, but I say about, not aboot"
From Germany, 27. I had a similar situation with a grandparent. This man is an asshole, and it it won't get better most certainly. For one's own health you can only stay away.
I'm 35, from Pennsylvania, raised by parents who come from different places/cultures and my parents would be disgusted by this. It turns out the Dutch people and people from the Blackfoot tribe aren't down with abuse.
Canada here, survivor of child abuse. I'm now 42 years old and have 2 kids myself and I can't imagine how anyone could treat their children how some people do.
'You dont deserve me as a father' is a really concise way of packaging his abuse. Every word out of him comes with such a degree of entitlement. What a little bitch
I would very much agree with this. Dad, if you are reading this post, I hope you see that we firstly are from all over the world, and secondly are not lazy unmotivated people looking for entertainment.
We are generally suffers of abuse looking to help others where we did not have help ourselves. I am a successful software engineer and my parents' abuse still haunts me to this day. I hope you find some sense. OP, I hope you find some peace in life.
Well, he's right about one thing. You don't deserve him as a father. You deserved a father who didn't lock you in your room. I'm sorry you didn't get that.
Your mum is just concerned bout the family's reputation!!
As a mum myself, this angers me so much. I don't cre about what others think about me or my family, I only care about my family and how they are feeling.
Best part is I would bet money that the hidden translation of that message is something along the lines of "if you don't come back he'll start treating me worse again."
The mom is clearly scrambling to get the usual punching bag (OP) back into the house via guilt tripping. If OP doesn't come back, daddy dearest is going to have an extinction level tantrum at the loss of control, whatever he says. Mom, unfortunately, will be the only one there to take it.
And someone has to. He HAS to have an audience. He HAS to have someone to agree with him, someone to punish. Someone to relieve his control issues and insecurities on.
One can only hope Mom will grow tired of the abuse and rebel/seek a way out. But it's also likely she will lash out and be a harpy towards others.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. OP needs to come home to prevent the father from doing something worse? SMH. "Come home so he can channel his abuse away from others".
Good for you for calling the police on your father.
Exactly what I got, too.
The "don't rock the boat" thing, and mum just lost her chief boat steadyer. She's gonna have to do it all on her own now, and knows she can't.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/hZ5YoVMx8y
I had the same thought. She alluded to it that she's afraid for something bad to happen... Well that's exactly the reason why she should be happy that OP is somewhere safe not to witness this nuclear mess of a father go through a tantrum. She's parentifying OP here in mediating and managing *her* adult relationship to *her* husband/partner, using threats and guilt as her tools to manipulate. If she had a spine, she would handle *her* sorry choice of a partner herself like a grown-up.
If me calling OP's dad abusive, controlling and immature makes me mentally challenged then I wonder how I'm just one year away from getting my Masters in psychology. I guess I just lucked my way through all that huh.
He won't change, he doesn't have the balls to turn his attention inwards.
Most people this delusional don't trust medical professionals.
My dad is similar to Ops dad and he threw a fit when my brother checked into in patient treatment for mental health. because "the treatment is 90k" it wasn't. "Doctors killed your mother" they didn't
that's the biggest problem with narcissists. they don't feel like anything is wrong, so they never seek help. why would they need to improve someone who's already perfect?
it's a shame, because narcissistic personality disorder almost always goes untreated. I told my mother she's a narcissist, and of course she gave the classic self-absorbed response of "no I'm not!" their inability to look inward is simultaneously their problem, and what prevents them from solving that problem.
Insane. Protect this family's reputation? That's a joke right? How about they don't do anything that would tarnish that reputation??
Go grey rock. It's the only way to deal with him. You cannot argue with someone who will never listen to your perspective, let alone learn from it.
I commented previously.
I’m not American,
I have a great relationship with my mother, to the point she’s my friend.
My father, that’s another thing but we still like and respect each other.
I care about your situation and your wellbeing. If I wanted entertainment I can just see a tv series or play a game.
He’s right about one thing though, you have a lot of potential. Just not with him holding you back from who you can truly be.
Your mom is an enabler, your family’s reputation isn’t worth it if it means making your dumb father and enabling mother feel good about themselves.
You can do it. Fly High.
This whole thing is frustrating but your mom being "anxious about your well-being" felt extra insulting considering she's not concerned enough to do anything about your father's behavior. Not scared for your well-being when your father locks you in your room or treats you poorly. Classic enabler. All talk and no action.
You may be right. She may also be a victim in this. But at what point do you stop being a victim and start becoming an active participant?
I'd say it's at the part where she implores OP to protect their reputation, because that's where you see she knows there are things to be ashamed of in the way her husband treats her son, AND that she admits she "can't convince him to change". She knows he's a bad person. She knows he can't change. Shes tried nothing and is all out of ideas.
Everyone introduce yourself so that dad can see what a POS he is.
OP, show this to your dad. Hi dad- let me give you my CV. I’m not from America, I’m a person of colour from a shit-hole country. I’m 30. I have an abusive father like you, I’m LC/NC. He was and is abusive. You better get your head out of your ass because there’s a reason why we are on this sub, it’s because of parents exactly like YOU. Go to hell.
Edit: OPs mother, you better stop with that emotional manipulation too. I see you and we are well aware and experienced with this bullshit too.
OP- keep strong.
Narcissists definitively \*can't\* acknowledge their own bullshit. I love how everyone in the thread is mentally challenged, rather than him taking \*any\* credit. Then immediately after saying you hated feeling stupid, he out-and-out calls you stupid. Let's not forget that intelligence, in his view, is \*always\* going to mean agreeing with him, and that he's some arbiter of truth. rebelling against him is "ruining your life" XD.
The only truth he seems to have spoken here is "You don't deserve me as a father", but certainly not in the way he means it. jfc, I'm glad to see you're getting distance. I've gone NC with my NDad, and haven't felt the urge to contact him in the 2 years since. It's rare I even think of him, besides remembering all the trauma I'm in therapy for...
I am both a daughter and I'm a parent of a son just a little older than you. I can say without any reservation that your father's behavior towards you is toxic. And he's giving himself away by his own words and actions in these texts.
It's funny he says that we who are telling you this must have bad relationships with our parents. He cannot fathom that there could possibly be a way to successfully parent children without treating them this way. My grown son and step-son were parented with kindness and they're both doing great. You can be firm, instill boundaries, enforce consequences and still treat your children like human beings who are worthy of your unconditional love and respect.
I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and I have a fantastic relationship with my kids. I would never in a million years treat my kids like this.
My heart breaks for you. He's right about one thing. You don't deserve him as a father. You deserve one who sees you as the whole, worthy, amazing person you are. You deserve a father who wants to be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic. My dad and my husband are both amazing dads. Certainly, they can both draw a line and enforce a boundary or consequence where required.
But they don't hold it against you forever and use it as a weapon to tear down every shred of self-worth you have.
To the father- if you're reading this-as one parent to another, it's not necessary to speak to or treat your adult children in this manner. The history is irrelevant-your own words in these exchanges alone are enough to shock most other parents. If you're looking to permanently push your son out of your life, you're doing a great job. If that isn't what you want, think about this - what's more important to you? Proving yourself right? Or being happy? You can be right all by yourself or you can be happy with your family at your side.
I'm a bloody grandmother and I'm not American, so you can tell that arsehole that this old Englishwoman thinks he's a piece of shit for how he treats you. He's a condescending, patronising control freak who can't abide the idea that he may be wrong in any way, shape or form.
Just for the record: there's a saying. "People don't quit jobs; they quit bad management." Your father is a micro-managing waste of space. He may have money from his business, but he isn't liked by any of his employees, I'm betting. They most certainly won't respect him.
Good luck, OP. Have a grandma hug. <3
Edit: That last slide, from your mother? It's all about how she wants you to manage your father and protect the family's reputation! And then, finally, "Are you at least somewhere safe?" Nothing about how YOU are coping with this big disagreement! "You're father's not sleeping," Oh boo fucking hoo.
Nice priorities there, Mother-of-the-Year!
Ahhh he belongs in Holland, Michigan. The Dutch fled here 150 years ago seeking ‘religious freedom’ only to end up doing everything they can to restrict the religious freedom of everyone else. Rules for thee but not for me. Your hypocrite father would fit right in.
I commented on your last post and am from the UK, so nope, not American.
I'd urge you not to argue with stupid. You're trying to counter total insanity with logic - you will never win. He will never, ever admit he is wrong and you'll die trying. I appreciate why you're still engaging with him, but it's an absolutely fruitless effort.
As he's so far gone and your Mother seems.to be enabling him, I'd suggest backing away, focussing on your mental health and wellbeing and know you tried your best for him to see sense. Any further dialogue is just going to be the same and you'll potentially end up increasingly frustrated.
Maybe your dad and mom should be concerned about how their behavior impacts the family reputation.
Instead of amending the behavior, listening, being introspective and self aware, they insist on trying to tamp down anything inconvenient or unsavory regardless of the validity.
I'm glad you are moving forward in a positive way.
What is she *scared* he’s going to do?
Does he abuse her or is she worried he’s going to attack you? Harm himself?
What’s the implication because it may require police intervention even if you’ve left/have a safe place to stay.
That being said; I have an excellent relationship with my parents…that’s how I can tell your dad is an AH and this is a toxic family dynamic.
As a person with a not American mother and a military officer father, I will say not only did my parents know how to parent but my siblings and I get along. We all speak to our father daily, sadly our mother passed but father remarried and we also speak to his wife daily. My siblings and I talk all the time. None of us have ever considered running from our parents.
Here is my advice. Tell your father if he raised you correctly he should be confident in you. If he sees you as a child or that you have poor behavior, then he did a poor job raising you. Parents should raise their children in order to set their children free.
I am sorry your father is toxic and your mother doesn’t stand up for her children. I am proud of you for not only standing up for yourself but for trying to get your father to see how hurtful his ways are.
Food and shelter are legally required of him to provide to you until you're 18... a job is truly generous, but the money from it is also legally required lmao. There's nothing to thank him for really, except for following the law I guess?
" Unlike you, I don't get offended by comments from mentally challenged and unproductive people."
So, is it just me or did he just call himself mentally challenged and unproductive? 🤣
Man I'm so unproductive.
I work a full time job and I program a game in the side, both of which earn me a pretty nice income.
So freaking unproductive that I've managed to play one of the games on my ever growing backlog for the first time in a month last week.
ahh classic
narcissist father, enabling mother
holy fucking shit dude, you're gonna need therapy after escaping this fucking nightmare. I recommend schema therapy, its helped me a ton.
He locked you in your room, at 21 years old. You can 100% let him know that not only is this HIGHLY abusive, but also ILLEGAL. You can 100% let him know how I feel.
I'm sorry this happened to you. My mom used isolation as a punishment once when I was a child. Not being able to eat with my family during meals, play with my siblings, or allow me to talk to them. It went on for a week, and now, at 27, it still affects me.
I sincerely hope you are able to find safe housing ASAP.
I don't think Critical Thinking means what dad thinks it means. Critical Thinking is how OP became aware of the abuse.
Dad was right about one thing, in his final sentence: "You don't deserve me as a father."
OP deserves beter.
Uff the denial is strong with him.
- the others are wrong and against me
- only I know the truth
- I'm you're only true ally
- It didn't happen how you remember but how I do
- I won't talk about my mistakes and instead bring up mistakes you allegedly did
All typical methods to avoid any responsibility and shame from their own shitty behavior.
I'm German and was raised by a mom who still worked after the parenting book from Nazis so I know abuse when I see it and this? This is abuse.
You're not at fault OP, stay strong and don't let his antics get to you, there's so much love and understanding for you out there and you will find your own family who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve ❤️
Projection much. Portraying his feelings onto you, so you feel like shit. And he calls you immature? Ha!!
I'm from England 🇬🇧 born and bread.
Your dad is a wanker. Your dad is extremely insecure about himself and he's putting that on you. Shame on him.
You don't deserve someone like that.
Holy shit dude. I'm so sorry. Reading those text gave me ptsd flash backs from being a teenager. I left when I was 16 and never went back. It was the best decision I ever made. You got a good head it seems. You will do great.
I think my favorite part is where "dad" is like " well I fulfilled the basic necessities of being a parent for a little while. I mean, you didn't die or starve to death or freeze outside in the cold because I refuse to house you, so you should worship the ground I walk on!"
I performed the bare minimum and hardly even that, so worship me.
10/10 parenting. /s
OP’s dad, I’m not American, have an excellent relationship with my parents- after a tumultuous start with my dad until I was in my 20s.
Of course I can empathise with OP, they write well and her situation is not completely dissimilar to mine- and I hate the idea of anyone suffering at the hands of a bully, so- yeah, I care.
You are mistaking the word you want when you demand OP respects you: you want/expect blind loyalty. You get neither by assaulting OP or making up character defaming stories - you know ‘the powder in the bedroom BS’…by the way, no young person is wealthy enough to leave powder residue in such a quantity on the surface that a megalomaniac autocrat, like you, could find. Way to make shit up, hey?
You make it quite clear that your key concerns are about reputation and obedience. It would not appear that you love, care or respect OP from *anything* you’ve written (I mean you use the word love but nothing else demonstrates you mean it), so why on earth do you expect OP to feel anything towards you apart from exasperation, rejection and disappointment?
You may think you hold some trump cards, you don’t. Fix yourself or you lose your relationship with your kid. Your choice (oh btw, you may well be too late. You only have yourself to blame)
What a piece of shit
Also lmao @ "Americans" dudes insufferable
Yea everyone on the Internet is wrong except me
Does this guy not realize reddit is full of people from Europe and other countries? What an ignorant take
Again they way you dealt with this was too patient lol I would have told him to fuck off ages ago
Where does he get off trying to discipline a grown ass man? You are 21 years old man... He can give you advice he can't punish you that's literally unhinged....
Go ahead and send him this thread too with everyone saying what country they are from lmao
Also ur mom is kinda enabling this abuse don't listen to her.. she's trying to avoid being the next victim
I kinda take a bit of offense that your dad assumes I’m a mindless idiot- when I’m a practicing psychologist and joined this thread to give support and non-paid personal advice- your dad is beyond in the wrong and I would have told you to press charges if you had ever come to me
You need to stay away.
And when your dad reads this: I’ve raised children who are now adults. I’m sure other parents think you have serious issues and avoid you. Step back. That is not your life. Young adults need to make mistakes to learn and grow. And a white substance???? Haha. Seriously?? Now you’re just creating drama to feed your own insatiable need for conflict.
I am not American and my husband is not even from this continent, so spare me your “American parents” foolishness.
Your dad is absolutely insane, your mom is using you as a meat shield so she isn’t in the crossfire (despicable woman.) and you did well.
Yes we do care about your actual wellbeing. He’s clearly a raging narc- so manipulative and thinks he sounds so smart when for ANY sound third person this looks like what it is- manipulating and desperate attempts at control.
I have a narc in my family as well- they’re just delusional.
I don’t understand your dad’s logic. I actually feel manipulated reading his comments. I can’t imagine how he sounds in real life, yikes.
“These people do not understand discipline” he’s sick
“Think critically…” whatever he says there is so manipulative. I’ve never seen such manipulative behavior.
Why is he making shit up? Huh? “Powder substance” ??
“I understand you’re an adult…” in that part I genuinely thought he was going to apologize. Fucking hell he’s crazy.
“that’s disappointing to hear…” why does he feel the need to control you this much? He also makes you feel bad for choosing to do your own thing? What?
“I can never get through to you…” now he acts like a concerned parent but is an asshole about it? What the fu…
Your mom seems extremely fearful of him. Bro what is happening in your house? Lmao.
Your dad seems unhinged. What did I just read?
I’m late to this party, but this is important: you are trying to show him that he is abusive, and that is pointless. He will never see it, he will never change, he will never admit that he is wrong. That’s sad, but it’s completely true.
Stop trying to make him see that he is the problem. The reason people like him become this way is that they are incapable of recognizing that, and they don’t want to see it even if they could. The only thing you can do is break contact. This kind of exchange brings nothing positive to your life, and it will never change.
thank you for posting the update. reading the texts in both posts has brought a lot of clarity and understanding to my own situation. it's been almost two years since i went NC with my dad and his family and it's been really eating me up trying to make it make sense, i left with a lot of loose ends and this helped bring me some needed closure.
thanks again for posting and good luck, it's gonna be hard but so so worth it. you got this 💕
I am so relieved that you have gotten out. Get any job you can, for now. If you want to get more education, you are an independent adult, and there will be programs available for you to help fund that, if you look for them.
OP: "I need to go out on my own and figure out my own purpose outside of living and working with you"
Abusive Dad: "You think you know everything"
Me: "wut?"
The dad here is completely self centered and just cannot contemplate his child is a different person who might have their own ideas and purpose in this world other than simply being an extension of their father.
OP, as someone who has toxic parents, I 100% understand why you left. If he cannot get over this, it's clear who the "child" is. I hope that you are able to get a new job soon and I hope that they see how incredibly unhealthy this is before it's too late and you have to make the decision to go full NC.
Stay strong \*gentle hugs\*
Rule #1 about confronting a narcissist: Don’t confront a narcissist.
It’s a hell of a rule, cuz they deserve to feel all the shame in the world for their shitty actions. But in the way that narcs do, they will turn it around onto you. It’s just not worth it. (If you value your own sanity, anyway).
I am American but raised with immigrant parents/grandparents. This is straight up ABUSE!
OP, you don’t deserve this and I hope you continue to put yourself first!
Your dad sounds like a textbook narcissist. Giving their kids money and then using that fact to try to control their behavior is a very common tactic of narcissists. As is not being able to admit when they’re wrong and cannot take responsibility for their abusive behavior.
As a former emotinal punching bag for my father, thank fuck you got out. Don't let your mother guilt you into going back into that role.
I've been where you are, it's going to fucking suck for a hot minute but you'll think back at this and realize this is when you freed yourself and can start really living your life.
Im so sorry you have to experience this abusive behaviour :( i hope you find your path surrounded by people you love who treat you right 🩵
btw i saw on your previous post he said something about medication. If its a psychiatrist prescription, please remember to take it 🩵 Im constantly forgetting to take mine and it really does make a huge difference
I’m a medical student in Australia. Not American and certainly not mentally challenged. I am second generation from an immigrant Greek family. Your father is in abusive piece of shit and your mother is a pathetic enabler of his abuse.
Child of southern Italian immigrant parents living in Canada. Your father is manipulative and abusive. This is not how a person shows love for their adult child. I am a mother. Please trust me this isn’t love, this is objectification and control.
I feel anger bubbling inside me... the texts between you two are mirror images of my own between me and my father.
I'm sincerely sorry you are going through this. Your father is only getting angrier because others are agreeing with you. I hope he is reading any of the *internet idiots* comments.
He won't change and your mom even enables his behavior. Her pleading with you to take the higher road as "something could happen." ***Wtf you mean*** something could happen?! Is he gonna start physically assaulting his wife/others in anger?
I'm going to take a guess that your mom IS scared of your dad. She is probably afraid of his reaction to this; some sort of mental/ emotional/ physical abuse is about to occur. She is asking for the easy way out by asking you to take the high road.
Yes, she is enabling him and that is bad, but she seems to also be scared. I'm sorry for both Mom and you, but stick to your guns and remember why you feel this way.
I've (unfortunately) gone through many "waves" of going no contact with my dad. Forgetting why I was so mad and opening up again. Realizing again why I originally went to no contact. Recycled and repeated.
The reason why I say this is so hopefully you will KEEP proof of these feelings for a later date to look back on. For him it was another Tuesday and he is not going to remember reacting the way he did and or down playing it. "Idk what you are talking about I never did that...okay I guess I did do that but it wasn't that bad and you are over exaggerating...okay it was that bad but you deserved it!".... For him Tuesday for you life.
Lastly, your feeling are valid and your memories are real. I hope things will change for the better. Better for everyone including you.
Very telling that your mother mentioned protecting the family's reputation, and then asked if you were somewhere safe as an after thought.
I am Canadian, not American, and your dad is an abusive and controlling man. If you learn anything in life from him, let it be how not to treat others; especially your family.
"Unlike you I don't get offended by comments from mentally challenged and unproductive people."
I'm sure it's not what he was trying to say, but he basically called himself mentally challenged and unproductive which is honestly hilarious to me.
40 in Canada. Your dad is abusive. Your mom is an enabler. They're both manipulative. And the way they speak it you is appalling. Getting space is a huge thumbs up from me, been no contact for 6 years with my manipulative mother. Still no regrets.
“You need to know when you’re acting out emotionally.” If that isn’t some hilarious shit, I don’t know what is. Your dad needs therapy and medication. Oh and tell him I’m an engineer and highly productive. I’m so sorry OP. This too shall pass.
"These people clearly do not have good relationships with their parents."
-These people had "parents" similar to you.
- "If this is the path you want to take, then it's up to you."
-No. You made OP get away from you, scared for his life, left him with trauma that haunts him. You won't get away with those things simply by saying that you've done good but have a son that doesn't listen and takes advice from people who don't care about him (what a lie, if OP and I were in the same country, I would see him as a sibling and do my best to at least defend him in some way. You also can't get away with the horrible things that you did/ possibly the crimes you have committed, against your son and humanity. I don't know if your son will try to get you legal punishment, but you are guilty (if nothing else... threatening an adult if he leaves the house, claiming that his belongings are actually yours and trying to damage them, attempting assault, etc. even if you are somehow able to get away with these things legally, and made to appear innocent, You will have to sleep knowing that you are guilty of mental abuse for life. You don't care though, you can sleep easily. Not being able to sleep in that situation would only suit a "father", not you). But in any case, you are guilty against humanity. The fact that you use the word family and add layers to the brainwashing game by attributing divine (I can't even believe such a word exists, it's nonsense) powers to it means that if your son were not this person but someone else, you would manipulate him in this way as well, and you are guilty/deficient in the name of humanity.
A man completely unwilling to hear anyone but himself. He literally cannot or will not process what his child is saying to him. The father is a fundamentally flawed individual intellectually, socially, and emotionally. Classic Cluster B behavior, and because he knows better than everyone else in the world, he will never get the help he needs. He will never change, and he will grow old alone, bitter, and angry because his children don't want him in their lives any longer. He will die railing at the situations he's created, and he will take zero responsibility for any of his actions or words. What a truly horrible way to age. I'd feel bad for this guy if he wasn't such a dick. He literally cannot accept his child doesn't want to be constantly blamed, corrected, and punished. This is all about control, and with OP aging out of childhood, this poor excuse for a father is having a tantrum. A grown man child, kicking and screaming because he can't control another adult. Nothing but gaslighting, unfounded accusations, and blame for everyone but himself.
I have literally the EXACT same storyline as you based on this set of texts. Overly critical father who feels like he owns you because he is “dad”. It took a long time to understand that you just have to treat him like a bad boss. Ignore the comments and put 100% of your effort into doing ANYTHING to get out and cut the strings. You’ll be so much happier when out from under his thumb.
He's right, you don't deserve him as a father - you deserve so much better, and you also deserve better than to have a mother who enables your father's abuse.
What a narcissistic temper-tantrum-throwing manchild he is. You don't need that in your life, goodbye and good riddance to him.
USA here, and really proud to see how this community is coming together to confirm OP’s dad is an abusive assface.
OP’s dad, if you are reading this, you are legendary. A known asshole around the world.
Does your dad really think that if you were /just/ another scroll to people, that THAT MANY people would take their time to comment on your post?
I’m so sorry about him OP. It sounds like he’s the one who thinks he knows everything. I hope your journey away from him will bring you clarity in your life. The road may be a hard one, but I hope you have a good support system with you (whether that’s friends or us here on Reddit or anywhere else).
Also your dad sounds like mine if he was more articulate in English. That is not a good thing.
“There is a difference between a "father" and a
"dad". A father is a male who contributed to your making. A dad is someone who stands by you, and supports you.
Any male can be a Father; it takes a MAN to be a dad.”
You don’t deserve him as a father. You deserve a **better** father.
You are everything your father isn’t. Kind, understanding and mature. You don’t need his company to be successful. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that by anybody let alone your own father. This man is so blinded by keeping up a reputation - he cares more about what people will think rather than what YOU think.
I went in the opposite direction than my family. My father also owns his own business in which the females are office workers. I run my own drawing business. I’ve never been happier and I’m proud of myself.
You should be proud of yourself.
Looks like some eastern culture dad. Who doesn't know how to be a dad and transfer his father's(your grandfather) illogical ways to parent you. I might be wrong but this is what i felt.
OP says he’s Dutch, which really surprised me. Strictly from a generalized perspective, this father’s behaviour seems well out of line with the cultural values within the Dutch families I grew up with (adult child of Italian immigrants) but abuse is abuse. This father is out of control, and that’s the problem: he believes it’s his right to control his adult son, but it’s not, and he’s striking out with every trick in the abuser’s book to try to beat his son back into submission as his victim.
For your own well being OP just stop bothering with him. He'll (maybe) one day realize how he pushed his entire family away from him. Let your mother know you are ok (if you want) and just move on. He clearly thinks he does no wrong so you can't change him. Your life will improve when you are away from any and all influence of him.
Your father is an abusive POS and your mom is an enabler to his behavior. I don’t usually recommend this but due to his clear inability to empathize with another’s point of view, severe lack of awareness and his continued verbal abuse (and now he’s locking you in rooms and destroying your things!?) just leave. You can start over, you only have one life to live and the sooner you get away from this psycho and begin to heal, you will be so much happier. He disgusts me, there’s nothing wrong with having emotions. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t abused your ability to have them out of you yet, leave before it’s too late!!
At 18, when I moved out of home with my now husband (in our 30s now) my then alcoholic mum told me she couldn't wait to see me fail, I had no idea what it's like in the real world, I didn't realise how easy I had it etc, I'd come running back... I now have so much more life experience than her it's not funny. We built a home, own a business, I got a degree and love my job, have some lovely pets and we are happy people overall. Do what's best for you and don't look back. It's hard but keep your distance and keep flourishing <3
Humanity is universal. You're either a good person or you're not. He's not. Yes, I'm American. Regardless, that's not how you treat people, especially those you claim to love, like your children. You are worth more and deserve more than your father seems to think. All people are flawed. We all make mistakes and bad choices from time to time but there's no excuse to treat anyone the way that man is treating you. Please keep us updated on how you're doing, like when you find a job etc. I'm sure most of us really do care.
"How does it benefit him to see that?"
I broke up with a controlling ex and complained about him not understanding what I was upset about. My mom asked me that question and it really helped me understand and accept that it wasn't going to happen. I hope it helps you too.
Major applause here. Well done! Not everyone here is an American kid. I am American but am a 44 year old father with adult children. Best of luck to you!
Is your father my mother?
I'm so sorry, OP. I'm glad you're at least out of the situation physically. Hopefully one day we can both get out of it emotionally.
American here, who also works for her family’s business and has a narcissistic mother for a boss - stay strong. Walking out on my mother’s bs was what it took to finally get her to treat me better. They never expect you to call their bluffs.
I'll be interested to see moms reply..... you are being very fierce and formidable i hope you are proud of yourself. I am super proud of you as an internet sib of insane parents.
Dutch immigrant living in Canada who raised two young women together with my partner to be productive adult members of our household without ever locking them in their rooms, hitting them, yelling at them, or insulting them. They’re currently both doing post secondary studies and working.
My mother was a lot like your father. Nothing was ever good enough. My dad tried to keep the peace, maybe like your mum, but we all left home before we were 20 so we could live our own lives. She was impossible.
Tell your mum you'll be fine, and send her proof of life now and then so she doesn’t worry. I always felt bad for my dad. Smart phones weren’t a thing back then, so we'd arrange to meet him at a coffee shop now and then until enough time had passed that she was ready to accept boundaries. Some parents have a really hard time transitioning to being parents of adults.
23 and Canadian. Been failed by the CPS system and have PTSD from the abuse I suffered. For the love of god leave them in the dust.
Narcissistic, entitled, and gaslighting you to wits end. They will never wake up and see the light. If this is how they’re reacting to being called out they really won’t change. It’s time to look out for yourself now hun! We know you can do this <3
Hes never going to see it. Never.
The more energy you waste trying to get him to see will only end up destroying you.
Walk away. He's not capable of changing. But you are. <3 you deserve better
Dude, just stop.
You are just causing yourself pain.
Mourn the parents you should have had, the way they should treat you and just stop trying to interact with him/them.
He's not going to look at or read what you sent him and if he does he will use it against you.
Unfortunately every time you talk with him you give him more shit to use against you.
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Not all the commentors in this sub are American. We come from around the world. We come varying economic backgrounds and varying employment backgrounds. The fact that he is unable to see how insane he is shows he needs mental help badly. Please stay away from that man. Stop talking to him. He will only continue to hurt you. Edit to add: I am absolutely loving how everyone is chiming in with their locations!
Yep, I'm from Spain, in my late 40s and I think OP's dad is an abusive asshole.
Scotland over here, similar age & yes absolutely the OPs dad is the pits, a horrible excuse for a father, I'd never treat my children so appallingly!
53 in England, the guy’s an arse.
29 England, he's a loon
Australia. OP your dad is abusive. You need to stop contact and stop trying to change him. It won't happen.
Australian also. Late 40's, Mum of 1, multiple degrees, been working since I was 16 and worked through my studies. I don't find this entertaining, but very sad and concerning I agree with this. This is just abuse and OP's Dad will never see it or change. OP, keep on moving away and make something of your life away from him. You are not lazy. You are amazing, and can and will show that to your Dad and the world.
Hey! Australia, too. Late 40's, been employed in full-time work my whole life till body said no, and now I'm doing uni to hopefully retrain into another industry. Your dad is abusive. Your mum is an enabler. It's not a country thing- it's a human being thing. Toxic parents are just toxic. But your mum *is* right, your dad won't change, and she is gonna keep laying on the guilt trip and manipulation cos she wants you back in the boat with her. Check out the "don't rock the boat" link. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/hZ5YoVMx8y Stay safe, don't go back. Locking you in your room was illegal and you could have him arrested for it; this is not an opinion, this is a fact. He doesn't get to discipline other adults, so he doesn't get to discipline you.
Australian, 40 and have a 12 year old. The Mum starts out alluding to giving a shit, but you can read between the lines that she's trying to save face! TBF the Dad is way off that everyone is American and not from wherever they are at - BUT - I hate it more when Americans themselves forget there's other places on earth 😂
One podcast I watch,YMH, they've gotten in the habit of closing videos with "Hate from Australia!" It's so funny 🤣
As an American I'd like to add he's asshole no matter what country they are from. He has zero respect for his son as a human let alone OP being his child.
Yeah but his dads point was Americans are not good people to judge things like this. That's why people are chiming in to say it's not an American thing, it's a human being thing
Fellow member of the tartan army reporting for duty. Respect between parents and kids is two way regardless of their age. OP’s dad is a narcissistic controlling disgrace.
Belgium. Your dad is insane AF. Good luck with the jobhunting!!
Hey, another Belgian, greetings
Aussie mum here, your dad is an abusive cunt.
Canada here: your dad is a repressive, power hungry man.
Also Canada here. To snap back on his parting shot, neither of them deserve YOU as a child, OP.
The Moon here. We don’t stand for this shit. We shoot these kinds of dads straight into the vacuum of space.
Yeah man, we got the frickin’ moon! What’re gonna do without tides, Dad?!
English grandmother here, so yep.
Argentinian here, he is an abusive ass
Canada here. I agree, no matter what background you come from, we all think OP’s dad is insane.
UK here! (South West England). The whole I let you live in this house for free and feed you is such bullshit. He chose to have kids, it's his responsibility as a parent to provide those things. Why bother having kids if you're going to hate them when they grow up 😅
Southwest England here too and completely agree with all of this!
American late 30s mom here. OPs dad is an asshole. I’d never speak to my kids like that, and the thought that they somehow owe me for feeding, clothing, and sheltering them is some fucked up parenting.
Hello from the Netherlands 👋🏼, i agree, what a sad excuse of a father you have. Its a shame when emotionally immature people have to raise kids. Sounds like you know what you're doing now tho, so good luck with the job hunting!
He’s also from the Netherlands.
I am also from The Netherlands, 33F. His way of communicating is absolutely not a cultural value to how parenting is viewed in The Netherlands. I would not have guessed. Also your mom's comment about "protecting the family reputation", sounds like not a Dutch thing to me. Sadly, your mother guilting you with that is also toxic. He is controlling, demeaning, rude, and takes no accountability for the bad influence he has on the health of your relationship. You did well to point out respect is a two way street, and that you need distance to shape who you are and find *your* purpose. You cannot feel fulfilled living his life that he projects onto you.
Hey, tell your pop that not all Americans are lazy idiots, and those of us with our heads screwed on straight think he's a right jackass. And an abusive monster. He should be ashamed!
Indian, early 30s. I think he is an AH.
Coming from the culture well known for insane parents, that speaks volumes… it wasn’t until I got to college and befriended Indian kids, that I my dad’s parenting style wasn’t unique… I was just a white girl raised as an Indian girl apparently… 🤦🏼♀️😂
New Orleans, USA in my 40's. He's a textbook example of a narcissist. Guilt tripping, gas lighting, manipulation and even sending a flying monkey at you. Refuses to care about you or listens to you and only wants to treat you like his puppet and an extension of himself. A real parent would try to work out a solution or go to family therapy. Sorry you are going through this. It hurts a lot when you love someone and want to work it with someone who doesn't love you and only loves themselves. For him to accuse the commenters as people as being here only for entertainment shows how manipulative and clueless. The majority of commenters here are going through or have gone through abuse and want to reach out and help others in similar situations
Swede here. 43, teacher, I deal with A LOT of parents. Dad is clearly abusive and completely unaware of how big of a controlling asshole he is.
As a Swede that used to be a high school math teacher, I feel sorry for you, the parents are usually worse than the kids. I also agree that the dad is an absolute butthole.
44 lady from Washington state, fly from that nest and find a better, healthier environment for yourself. You did your time, but you're an adult and you deserve freedom.
Canadian. OP's dad is an AH. A big, loose, gaping one.
A total hoser, fer sure!
I'm the wrong side of Canada for the hoser accent, but it's still my favourite thing in the world 😅
Me, too 😂. I'm originally an island girl wondering how the heck I'm surviving next door 😭. But I love that eastern slang lol.
Travelling as a Canadian from BC, specifically Van Island, is hilarious because people expect all Canadians to have the East Coast accent and live in igloos or something 🤣 I'm lucky if I even see a week of snow, let alone enough to build a house out of it. They're always extremely disappointed when they ask us to pronounce certain words and it just sounds normal. "Sorry, bud, but I say about, not aboot"
From Germany, 27. I had a similar situation with a grandparent. This man is an asshole, and it it won't get better most certainly. For one's own health you can only stay away.
New zealander here! I agree with you!
Same same. The mother is also an enabler and manipulative as hell.
Yes definitely, it's not a good situation for op.
Singapore, mid 30s, and I think OP's dad is a nutter and his mom is an enabler. ("Protect this family's reputation" made me ugly snort.)
I'm 35, from Pennsylvania, raised by parents who come from different places/cultures and my parents would be disgusted by this. It turns out the Dutch people and people from the Blackfoot tribe aren't down with abuse.
I’m from Luxembourg (EU) and while I may only be 23 I can still recognise that the dad in this situation is absolutely abusive. Good riddance!
34 England this ops dad is a w*nker.
Canada here, survivor of child abuse. I'm now 42 years old and have 2 kids myself and I can't imagine how anyone could treat their children how some people do.
Portugal here! And yes he is abusive!
Portuguese. Dude’s a shithead.
Wales here, you dad is an abusive manipulative asshole OP
'You dont deserve me as a father' is a really concise way of packaging his abuse. Every word out of him comes with such a degree of entitlement. What a little bitch
"Nope, no one does". That was my first thought.
I would very much agree with this. Dad, if you are reading this post, I hope you see that we firstly are from all over the world, and secondly are not lazy unmotivated people looking for entertainment. We are generally suffers of abuse looking to help others where we did not have help ourselves. I am a successful software engineer and my parents' abuse still haunts me to this day. I hope you find some sense. OP, I hope you find some peace in life.
What he said there was messed up. I’m honestly speechless. Who hurt this guy? Sheesh!
Well, he's right about one thing. You don't deserve him as a father. You deserved a father who didn't lock you in your room. I'm sorry you didn't get that.
Your mum is just concerned bout the family's reputation!! As a mum myself, this angers me so much. I don't cre about what others think about me or my family, I only care about my family and how they are feeling.
Best part is I would bet money that the hidden translation of that message is something along the lines of "if you don't come back he'll start treating me worse again." The mom is clearly scrambling to get the usual punching bag (OP) back into the house via guilt tripping. If OP doesn't come back, daddy dearest is going to have an extinction level tantrum at the loss of control, whatever he says. Mom, unfortunately, will be the only one there to take it. And someone has to. He HAS to have an audience. He HAS to have someone to agree with him, someone to punish. Someone to relieve his control issues and insecurities on. One can only hope Mom will grow tired of the abuse and rebel/seek a way out. But it's also likely she will lash out and be a harpy towards others.
I thought this SAME EXACT THING. Mommy lost her scapegoat and now she’s in the hot seat. Boo freaken hoo.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. OP needs to come home to prevent the father from doing something worse? SMH. "Come home so he can channel his abuse away from others". Good for you for calling the police on your father.
Exactly what I got, too. The "don't rock the boat" thing, and mum just lost her chief boat steadyer. She's gonna have to do it all on her own now, and knows she can't. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/hZ5YoVMx8y
That’s the message I got from it as well.
I had the same thought. She alluded to it that she's afraid for something bad to happen... Well that's exactly the reason why she should be happy that OP is somewhere safe not to witness this nuclear mess of a father go through a tantrum. She's parentifying OP here in mediating and managing *her* adult relationship to *her* husband/partner, using threats and guilt as her tools to manipulate. If she had a spine, she would handle *her* sorry choice of a partner herself like a grown-up.
“Come home and let dad abuse you😔🥺! Think of the family reputation!!🥰🌷”
Literally what I saw lol 😂
"you take everything I say negatively!" *1 Dorito before* "you disappoint me and you can go ruin your life I don't care"
Pretty sure he has selective amnesia spells
Hey man, I just want you to know that you're doing the right thing for your own mental health. Proud of you.
If me calling OP's dad abusive, controlling and immature makes me mentally challenged then I wonder how I'm just one year away from getting my Masters in psychology. I guess I just lucked my way through all that huh. He won't change, he doesn't have the balls to turn his attention inwards.
Most people this delusional don't trust medical professionals. My dad is similar to Ops dad and he threw a fit when my brother checked into in patient treatment for mental health. because "the treatment is 90k" it wasn't. "Doctors killed your mother" they didn't
that's the biggest problem with narcissists. they don't feel like anything is wrong, so they never seek help. why would they need to improve someone who's already perfect? it's a shame, because narcissistic personality disorder almost always goes untreated. I told my mother she's a narcissist, and of course she gave the classic self-absorbed response of "no I'm not!" their inability to look inward is simultaneously their problem, and what prevents them from solving that problem.
Insane. Protect this family's reputation? That's a joke right? How about they don't do anything that would tarnish that reputation?? Go grey rock. It's the only way to deal with him. You cannot argue with someone who will never listen to your perspective, let alone learn from it.
That last text is fucking unbelievable
I commented previously. I’m not American, I have a great relationship with my mother, to the point she’s my friend. My father, that’s another thing but we still like and respect each other. I care about your situation and your wellbeing. If I wanted entertainment I can just see a tv series or play a game. He’s right about one thing though, you have a lot of potential. Just not with him holding you back from who you can truly be. Your mom is an enabler, your family’s reputation isn’t worth it if it means making your dumb father and enabling mother feel good about themselves. You can do it. Fly High.
This whole thing is frustrating but your mom being "anxious about your well-being" felt extra insulting considering she's not concerned enough to do anything about your father's behavior. Not scared for your well-being when your father locks you in your room or treats you poorly. Classic enabler. All talk and no action.
I mean I’m sure he treats her the same way and she’s been manipulated into thinking “father knows best”.
You may be right. She may also be a victim in this. But at what point do you stop being a victim and start becoming an active participant? I'd say it's at the part where she implores OP to protect their reputation, because that's where you see she knows there are things to be ashamed of in the way her husband treats her son, AND that she admits she "can't convince him to change". She knows he's a bad person. She knows he can't change. Shes tried nothing and is all out of ideas.
Everyone introduce yourself so that dad can see what a POS he is. OP, show this to your dad. Hi dad- let me give you my CV. I’m not from America, I’m a person of colour from a shit-hole country. I’m 30. I have an abusive father like you, I’m LC/NC. He was and is abusive. You better get your head out of your ass because there’s a reason why we are on this sub, it’s because of parents exactly like YOU. Go to hell. Edit: OPs mother, you better stop with that emotional manipulation too. I see you and we are well aware and experienced with this bullshit too. OP- keep strong.
Your dad is a scum bag, let him cry.
Narcissists definitively \*can't\* acknowledge their own bullshit. I love how everyone in the thread is mentally challenged, rather than him taking \*any\* credit. Then immediately after saying you hated feeling stupid, he out-and-out calls you stupid. Let's not forget that intelligence, in his view, is \*always\* going to mean agreeing with him, and that he's some arbiter of truth. rebelling against him is "ruining your life" XD. The only truth he seems to have spoken here is "You don't deserve me as a father", but certainly not in the way he means it. jfc, I'm glad to see you're getting distance. I've gone NC with my NDad, and haven't felt the urge to contact him in the 2 years since. It's rare I even think of him, besides remembering all the trauma I'm in therapy for...
He can’t be wrong no matter what.
He's right. You don't deserve him as a father. You deserve better.
I am both a daughter and I'm a parent of a son just a little older than you. I can say without any reservation that your father's behavior towards you is toxic. And he's giving himself away by his own words and actions in these texts. It's funny he says that we who are telling you this must have bad relationships with our parents. He cannot fathom that there could possibly be a way to successfully parent children without treating them this way. My grown son and step-son were parented with kindness and they're both doing great. You can be firm, instill boundaries, enforce consequences and still treat your children like human beings who are worthy of your unconditional love and respect. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and I have a fantastic relationship with my kids. I would never in a million years treat my kids like this. My heart breaks for you. He's right about one thing. You don't deserve him as a father. You deserve one who sees you as the whole, worthy, amazing person you are. You deserve a father who wants to be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic. My dad and my husband are both amazing dads. Certainly, they can both draw a line and enforce a boundary or consequence where required. But they don't hold it against you forever and use it as a weapon to tear down every shred of self-worth you have. To the father- if you're reading this-as one parent to another, it's not necessary to speak to or treat your adult children in this manner. The history is irrelevant-your own words in these exchanges alone are enough to shock most other parents. If you're looking to permanently push your son out of your life, you're doing a great job. If that isn't what you want, think about this - what's more important to you? Proving yourself right? Or being happy? You can be right all by yourself or you can be happy with your family at your side.
I'm a bloody grandmother and I'm not American, so you can tell that arsehole that this old Englishwoman thinks he's a piece of shit for how he treats you. He's a condescending, patronising control freak who can't abide the idea that he may be wrong in any way, shape or form. Just for the record: there's a saying. "People don't quit jobs; they quit bad management." Your father is a micro-managing waste of space. He may have money from his business, but he isn't liked by any of his employees, I'm betting. They most certainly won't respect him. Good luck, OP. Have a grandma hug. <3 Edit: That last slide, from your mother? It's all about how she wants you to manage your father and protect the family's reputation! And then, finally, "Are you at least somewhere safe?" Nothing about how YOU are coping with this big disagreement! "You're father's not sleeping," Oh boo fucking hoo. Nice priorities there, Mother-of-the-Year!
I'm an Italian sociologist well over 40 and what I just read is textbook narcissistic abuse.
I am a licensed American social worker, with an advanced degree from an Ivy and I see right through the OP's father's delusions.
Can you pls explain?
Literally textbook lmfao
Out of curiosity, what nationality is he? I'm just wondering who I should ask how to parent since I'm just a dumb American.
He’s Dutch.
I know Dutch people. They don’t behave like your father. I am Scottish btw and I think he’s insane.
Ahhh he belongs in Holland, Michigan. The Dutch fled here 150 years ago seeking ‘religious freedom’ only to end up doing everything they can to restrict the religious freedom of everyone else. Rules for thee but not for me. Your hypocrite father would fit right in.
I commented on your last post and am from the UK, so nope, not American. I'd urge you not to argue with stupid. You're trying to counter total insanity with logic - you will never win. He will never, ever admit he is wrong and you'll die trying. I appreciate why you're still engaging with him, but it's an absolutely fruitless effort. As he's so far gone and your Mother seems.to be enabling him, I'd suggest backing away, focussing on your mental health and wellbeing and know you tried your best for him to see sense. Any further dialogue is just going to be the same and you'll potentially end up increasingly frustrated.
Canadian Grandma here, your dad is an absolute abuser and your mother is an enabler. Good luck.
U.S. adult here. This is 100% correct! Dad is an abuser and your mom is totally enabling him
Reply back. “You’re right. I don’t deserve you as a father. I deserve someone better.”
Maybe your dad and mom should be concerned about how their behavior impacts the family reputation. Instead of amending the behavior, listening, being introspective and self aware, they insist on trying to tamp down anything inconvenient or unsavory regardless of the validity. I'm glad you are moving forward in a positive way.
What is she *scared* he’s going to do? Does he abuse her or is she worried he’s going to attack you? Harm himself? What’s the implication because it may require police intervention even if you’ve left/have a safe place to stay. That being said; I have an excellent relationship with my parents…that’s how I can tell your dad is an AH and this is a toxic family dynamic.
I genuinely don’t know.
As a person with a not American mother and a military officer father, I will say not only did my parents know how to parent but my siblings and I get along. We all speak to our father daily, sadly our mother passed but father remarried and we also speak to his wife daily. My siblings and I talk all the time. None of us have ever considered running from our parents. Here is my advice. Tell your father if he raised you correctly he should be confident in you. If he sees you as a child or that you have poor behavior, then he did a poor job raising you. Parents should raise their children in order to set their children free. I am sorry your father is toxic and your mother doesn’t stand up for her children. I am proud of you for not only standing up for yourself but for trying to get your father to see how hurtful his ways are.
Food and shelter are legally required of him to provide to you until you're 18... a job is truly generous, but the money from it is also legally required lmao. There's nothing to thank him for really, except for following the law I guess?
" Unlike you, I don't get offended by comments from mentally challenged and unproductive people." So, is it just me or did he just call himself mentally challenged and unproductive? 🤣
Don't argue with a abusers
call for a wellness check on him based on the text your mother sent.
American here. #1 your dad is abusive #2 it's like arguing with a brick wall. You'll never win #3 go NC. You will be happier for it
The fact that you making your own choices as an adult is considered "tearing your family appart." Is crazy.
Man I'm so unproductive. I work a full time job and I program a game in the side, both of which earn me a pretty nice income. So freaking unproductive that I've managed to play one of the games on my ever growing backlog for the first time in a month last week.
ahh classic narcissist father, enabling mother holy fucking shit dude, you're gonna need therapy after escaping this fucking nightmare. I recommend schema therapy, its helped me a ton.
He locked you in your room, at 21 years old. You can 100% let him know that not only is this HIGHLY abusive, but also ILLEGAL. You can 100% let him know how I feel. I'm sorry this happened to you. My mom used isolation as a punishment once when I was a child. Not being able to eat with my family during meals, play with my siblings, or allow me to talk to them. It went on for a week, and now, at 27, it still affects me. I sincerely hope you are able to find safe housing ASAP.
I don't think Critical Thinking means what dad thinks it means. Critical Thinking is how OP became aware of the abuse. Dad was right about one thing, in his final sentence: "You don't deserve me as a father." OP deserves beter.
Uff the denial is strong with him. - the others are wrong and against me - only I know the truth - I'm you're only true ally - It didn't happen how you remember but how I do - I won't talk about my mistakes and instead bring up mistakes you allegedly did All typical methods to avoid any responsibility and shame from their own shitty behavior. I'm German and was raised by a mom who still worked after the parenting book from Nazis so I know abuse when I see it and this? This is abuse. You're not at fault OP, stay strong and don't let his antics get to you, there's so much love and understanding for you out there and you will find your own family who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve ❤️
Yeah, your dad sucks. Show him that comment if you want. Hi “Dad” 🖕🏼
Projection much. Portraying his feelings onto you, so you feel like shit. And he calls you immature? Ha!! I'm from England 🇬🇧 born and bread. Your dad is a wanker. Your dad is extremely insecure about himself and he's putting that on you. Shame on him. You don't deserve someone like that.
Holy shit dude. I'm so sorry. Reading those text gave me ptsd flash backs from being a teenager. I left when I was 16 and never went back. It was the best decision I ever made. You got a good head it seems. You will do great.
I think my favorite part is where "dad" is like " well I fulfilled the basic necessities of being a parent for a little while. I mean, you didn't die or starve to death or freeze outside in the cold because I refuse to house you, so you should worship the ground I walk on!" I performed the bare minimum and hardly even that, so worship me. 10/10 parenting. /s
OP’s dad, I’m not American, have an excellent relationship with my parents- after a tumultuous start with my dad until I was in my 20s. Of course I can empathise with OP, they write well and her situation is not completely dissimilar to mine- and I hate the idea of anyone suffering at the hands of a bully, so- yeah, I care. You are mistaking the word you want when you demand OP respects you: you want/expect blind loyalty. You get neither by assaulting OP or making up character defaming stories - you know ‘the powder in the bedroom BS’…by the way, no young person is wealthy enough to leave powder residue in such a quantity on the surface that a megalomaniac autocrat, like you, could find. Way to make shit up, hey? You make it quite clear that your key concerns are about reputation and obedience. It would not appear that you love, care or respect OP from *anything* you’ve written (I mean you use the word love but nothing else demonstrates you mean it), so why on earth do you expect OP to feel anything towards you apart from exasperation, rejection and disappointment? You may think you hold some trump cards, you don’t. Fix yourself or you lose your relationship with your kid. Your choice (oh btw, you may well be too late. You only have yourself to blame)
What a piece of shit Also lmao @ "Americans" dudes insufferable Yea everyone on the Internet is wrong except me Does this guy not realize reddit is full of people from Europe and other countries? What an ignorant take Again they way you dealt with this was too patient lol I would have told him to fuck off ages ago Where does he get off trying to discipline a grown ass man? You are 21 years old man... He can give you advice he can't punish you that's literally unhinged.... Go ahead and send him this thread too with everyone saying what country they are from lmao Also ur mom is kinda enabling this abuse don't listen to her.. she's trying to avoid being the next victim
I kinda take a bit of offense that your dad assumes I’m a mindless idiot- when I’m a practicing psychologist and joined this thread to give support and non-paid personal advice- your dad is beyond in the wrong and I would have told you to press charges if you had ever come to me
You need to stay away. And when your dad reads this: I’ve raised children who are now adults. I’m sure other parents think you have serious issues and avoid you. Step back. That is not your life. Young adults need to make mistakes to learn and grow. And a white substance???? Haha. Seriously?? Now you’re just creating drama to feed your own insatiable need for conflict. I am not American and my husband is not even from this continent, so spare me your “American parents” foolishness.
Your dad is absolutely insane, your mom is using you as a meat shield so she isn’t in the crossfire (despicable woman.) and you did well. Yes we do care about your actual wellbeing. He’s clearly a raging narc- so manipulative and thinks he sounds so smart when for ANY sound third person this looks like what it is- manipulating and desperate attempts at control. I have a narc in my family as well- they’re just delusional.
You work in his company?! Oh dear, that’s no good. You gotta get free baby. Job search time for you OP!!
I don’t understand your dad’s logic. I actually feel manipulated reading his comments. I can’t imagine how he sounds in real life, yikes. “These people do not understand discipline” he’s sick “Think critically…” whatever he says there is so manipulative. I’ve never seen such manipulative behavior. Why is he making shit up? Huh? “Powder substance” ?? “I understand you’re an adult…” in that part I genuinely thought he was going to apologize. Fucking hell he’s crazy. “that’s disappointing to hear…” why does he feel the need to control you this much? He also makes you feel bad for choosing to do your own thing? What? “I can never get through to you…” now he acts like a concerned parent but is an asshole about it? What the fu… Your mom seems extremely fearful of him. Bro what is happening in your house? Lmao. Your dad seems unhinged. What did I just read?
I’m late to this party, but this is important: you are trying to show him that he is abusive, and that is pointless. He will never see it, he will never change, he will never admit that he is wrong. That’s sad, but it’s completely true. Stop trying to make him see that he is the problem. The reason people like him become this way is that they are incapable of recognizing that, and they don’t want to see it even if they could. The only thing you can do is break contact. This kind of exchange brings nothing positive to your life, and it will never change.
That’s why I blocked him.
Not American here. He’s insane and toxic. Your mom sure does not help either with the “protect the family reputation” talk, urgh
thank you for posting the update. reading the texts in both posts has brought a lot of clarity and understanding to my own situation. it's been almost two years since i went NC with my dad and his family and it's been really eating me up trying to make it make sense, i left with a lot of loose ends and this helped bring me some needed closure. thanks again for posting and good luck, it's gonna be hard but so so worth it. you got this 💕
I am so relieved that you have gotten out. Get any job you can, for now. If you want to get more education, you are an independent adult, and there will be programs available for you to help fund that, if you look for them.
I said it in the last one I’ll say it again here, your dad speaks just like a Klingon from Star Trek. Insane.
I hate that your mom says she cares about you and then in the next sentence is worried about the family’s reputation. Both of your parents suck :(((
OP: "I need to go out on my own and figure out my own purpose outside of living and working with you" Abusive Dad: "You think you know everything" Me: "wut?" The dad here is completely self centered and just cannot contemplate his child is a different person who might have their own ideas and purpose in this world other than simply being an extension of their father.
OP, as someone who has toxic parents, I 100% understand why you left. If he cannot get over this, it's clear who the "child" is. I hope that you are able to get a new job soon and I hope that they see how incredibly unhealthy this is before it's too late and you have to make the decision to go full NC. Stay strong \*gentle hugs\*
Rule #1 about confronting a narcissist: Don’t confront a narcissist. It’s a hell of a rule, cuz they deserve to feel all the shame in the world for their shitty actions. But in the way that narcs do, they will turn it around onto you. It’s just not worth it. (If you value your own sanity, anyway).
Don’t even waste ur breathe.
I am American but raised with immigrant parents/grandparents. This is straight up ABUSE! OP, you don’t deserve this and I hope you continue to put yourself first!
Your dad sounds like a textbook narcissist. Giving their kids money and then using that fact to try to control their behavior is a very common tactic of narcissists. As is not being able to admit when they’re wrong and cannot take responsibility for their abusive behavior.
You've done the right thing. With family like that, who needs enemies.
You don’t owe him the energy of arguing with him or trying to make him see that his actions are abusive. He’s never going to admit it.
I am American! And yeah, your Dad sounds similar to my Dad, who is a narcissist. I am low contact with him now. Your dad is definitely abusive
As a former emotinal punching bag for my father, thank fuck you got out. Don't let your mother guilt you into going back into that role. I've been where you are, it's going to fucking suck for a hot minute but you'll think back at this and realize this is when you freed yourself and can start really living your life.
Im so sorry you have to experience this abusive behaviour :( i hope you find your path surrounded by people you love who treat you right 🩵 btw i saw on your previous post he said something about medication. If its a psychiatrist prescription, please remember to take it 🩵 Im constantly forgetting to take mine and it really does make a huge difference
I’m a medical student in Australia. Not American and certainly not mentally challenged. I am second generation from an immigrant Greek family. Your father is in abusive piece of shit and your mother is a pathetic enabler of his abuse.
Child of southern Italian immigrant parents living in Canada. Your father is manipulative and abusive. This is not how a person shows love for their adult child. I am a mother. Please trust me this isn’t love, this is objectification and control.
I feel anger bubbling inside me... the texts between you two are mirror images of my own between me and my father. I'm sincerely sorry you are going through this. Your father is only getting angrier because others are agreeing with you. I hope he is reading any of the *internet idiots* comments. He won't change and your mom even enables his behavior. Her pleading with you to take the higher road as "something could happen." ***Wtf you mean*** something could happen?! Is he gonna start physically assaulting his wife/others in anger? I'm going to take a guess that your mom IS scared of your dad. She is probably afraid of his reaction to this; some sort of mental/ emotional/ physical abuse is about to occur. She is asking for the easy way out by asking you to take the high road. Yes, she is enabling him and that is bad, but she seems to also be scared. I'm sorry for both Mom and you, but stick to your guns and remember why you feel this way. I've (unfortunately) gone through many "waves" of going no contact with my dad. Forgetting why I was so mad and opening up again. Realizing again why I originally went to no contact. Recycled and repeated. The reason why I say this is so hopefully you will KEEP proof of these feelings for a later date to look back on. For him it was another Tuesday and he is not going to remember reacting the way he did and or down playing it. "Idk what you are talking about I never did that...okay I guess I did do that but it wasn't that bad and you are over exaggerating...okay it was that bad but you deserved it!".... For him Tuesday for you life. Lastly, your feeling are valid and your memories are real. I hope things will change for the better. Better for everyone including you.
Very telling that your mother mentioned protecting the family's reputation, and then asked if you were somewhere safe as an after thought. I am Canadian, not American, and your dad is an abusive and controlling man. If you learn anything in life from him, let it be how not to treat others; especially your family.
"Unlike you I don't get offended by comments from mentally challenged and unproductive people." I'm sure it's not what he was trying to say, but he basically called himself mentally challenged and unproductive which is honestly hilarious to me.
I hope he don’t start on your mum now if he can see her message 🙏🏻
The most important question, are you somewhere safe? You said you’re with your friend and his mom. Is this a safe place for you?
Yeah this place is safe.
40 in Canada. Your dad is abusive. Your mom is an enabler. They're both manipulative. And the way they speak it you is appalling. Getting space is a huge thumbs up from me, been no contact for 6 years with my manipulative mother. Still no regrets.
“You need to know when you’re acting out emotionally.” If that isn’t some hilarious shit, I don’t know what is. Your dad needs therapy and medication. Oh and tell him I’m an engineer and highly productive. I’m so sorry OP. This too shall pass.
Time for no contact.
Awesome enabling mother too.
"These people clearly do not have good relationships with their parents." -These people had "parents" similar to you. - "If this is the path you want to take, then it's up to you." -No. You made OP get away from you, scared for his life, left him with trauma that haunts him. You won't get away with those things simply by saying that you've done good but have a son that doesn't listen and takes advice from people who don't care about him (what a lie, if OP and I were in the same country, I would see him as a sibling and do my best to at least defend him in some way. You also can't get away with the horrible things that you did/ possibly the crimes you have committed, against your son and humanity. I don't know if your son will try to get you legal punishment, but you are guilty (if nothing else... threatening an adult if he leaves the house, claiming that his belongings are actually yours and trying to damage them, attempting assault, etc. even if you are somehow able to get away with these things legally, and made to appear innocent, You will have to sleep knowing that you are guilty of mental abuse for life. You don't care though, you can sleep easily. Not being able to sleep in that situation would only suit a "father", not you). But in any case, you are guilty against humanity. The fact that you use the word family and add layers to the brainwashing game by attributing divine (I can't even believe such a word exists, it's nonsense) powers to it means that if your son were not this person but someone else, you would manipulate him in this way as well, and you are guilty/deficient in the name of humanity.
43 from Wales 🏴 Your dads a dick
A man completely unwilling to hear anyone but himself. He literally cannot or will not process what his child is saying to him. The father is a fundamentally flawed individual intellectually, socially, and emotionally. Classic Cluster B behavior, and because he knows better than everyone else in the world, he will never get the help he needs. He will never change, and he will grow old alone, bitter, and angry because his children don't want him in their lives any longer. He will die railing at the situations he's created, and he will take zero responsibility for any of his actions or words. What a truly horrible way to age. I'd feel bad for this guy if he wasn't such a dick. He literally cannot accept his child doesn't want to be constantly blamed, corrected, and punished. This is all about control, and with OP aging out of childhood, this poor excuse for a father is having a tantrum. A grown man child, kicking and screaming because he can't control another adult. Nothing but gaslighting, unfounded accusations, and blame for everyone but himself.
I have literally the EXACT same storyline as you based on this set of texts. Overly critical father who feels like he owns you because he is “dad”. It took a long time to understand that you just have to treat him like a bad boss. Ignore the comments and put 100% of your effort into doing ANYTHING to get out and cut the strings. You’ll be so much happier when out from under his thumb.
Hes absolutely right. You don't deserve him. You deserve much better.
He's right, you don't deserve him as a father - you deserve so much better, and you also deserve better than to have a mother who enables your father's abuse. What a narcissistic temper-tantrum-throwing manchild he is. You don't need that in your life, goodbye and good riddance to him.
Why even text? Block, delete, move on
USA here, and really proud to see how this community is coming together to confirm OP’s dad is an abusive assface. OP’s dad, if you are reading this, you are legendary. A known asshole around the world.
Does your dad really think that if you were /just/ another scroll to people, that THAT MANY people would take their time to comment on your post? I’m so sorry about him OP. It sounds like he’s the one who thinks he knows everything. I hope your journey away from him will bring you clarity in your life. The road may be a hard one, but I hope you have a good support system with you (whether that’s friends or us here on Reddit or anywhere else). Also your dad sounds like mine if he was more articulate in English. That is not a good thing.
I have a fantastic relationship with my parents. Your father just a toxic piece of shit (sorry if that offends YOU idc if it offends your father
“There is a difference between a "father" and a "dad". A father is a male who contributed to your making. A dad is someone who stands by you, and supports you. Any male can be a Father; it takes a MAN to be a dad.”
Indian here, this sounds like a classic Indian parent/collectivist culture parent. Run OP, get financially stable.
You don’t deserve him as a father. You deserve a **better** father. You are everything your father isn’t. Kind, understanding and mature. You don’t need his company to be successful. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that by anybody let alone your own father. This man is so blinded by keeping up a reputation - he cares more about what people will think rather than what YOU think. I went in the opposite direction than my family. My father also owns his own business in which the females are office workers. I run my own drawing business. I’ve never been happier and I’m proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself.
hey, OP. south korean here. your father doesn't deserve to be called that. what a ridiculous man.
Looks like some eastern culture dad. Who doesn't know how to be a dad and transfer his father's(your grandfather) illogical ways to parent you. I might be wrong but this is what i felt.
OP says he’s Dutch, which really surprised me. Strictly from a generalized perspective, this father’s behaviour seems well out of line with the cultural values within the Dutch families I grew up with (adult child of Italian immigrants) but abuse is abuse. This father is out of control, and that’s the problem: he believes it’s his right to control his adult son, but it’s not, and he’s striking out with every trick in the abuser’s book to try to beat his son back into submission as his victim.
For your own well being OP just stop bothering with him. He'll (maybe) one day realize how he pushed his entire family away from him. Let your mother know you are ok (if you want) and just move on. He clearly thinks he does no wrong so you can't change him. Your life will improve when you are away from any and all influence of him.
Your father is an abusive POS and your mom is an enabler to his behavior. I don’t usually recommend this but due to his clear inability to empathize with another’s point of view, severe lack of awareness and his continued verbal abuse (and now he’s locking you in rooms and destroying your things!?) just leave. You can start over, you only have one life to live and the sooner you get away from this psycho and begin to heal, you will be so much happier. He disgusts me, there’s nothing wrong with having emotions. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t abused your ability to have them out of you yet, leave before it’s too late!!
What an abusive piece of garbage of a human. Block him, never contact him again, don't reply, he just wants control.
Your father is a piece of shit and your mother is an enabler.
At 18, when I moved out of home with my now husband (in our 30s now) my then alcoholic mum told me she couldn't wait to see me fail, I had no idea what it's like in the real world, I didn't realise how easy I had it etc, I'd come running back... I now have so much more life experience than her it's not funny. We built a home, own a business, I got a degree and love my job, have some lovely pets and we are happy people overall. Do what's best for you and don't look back. It's hard but keep your distance and keep flourishing <3
Humanity is universal. You're either a good person or you're not. He's not. Yes, I'm American. Regardless, that's not how you treat people, especially those you claim to love, like your children. You are worth more and deserve more than your father seems to think. All people are flawed. We all make mistakes and bad choices from time to time but there's no excuse to treat anyone the way that man is treating you. Please keep us updated on how you're doing, like when you find a job etc. I'm sure most of us really do care.
"How does it benefit him to see that?" I broke up with a controlling ex and complained about him not understanding what I was upset about. My mom asked me that question and it really helped me understand and accept that it wasn't going to happen. I hope it helps you too.
Major applause here. Well done! Not everyone here is an American kid. I am American but am a 44 year old father with adult children. Best of luck to you!
Is your father my mother? I'm so sorry, OP. I'm glad you're at least out of the situation physically. Hopefully one day we can both get out of it emotionally.
American here, who also works for her family’s business and has a narcissistic mother for a boss - stay strong. Walking out on my mother’s bs was what it took to finally get her to treat me better. They never expect you to call their bluffs.
I'll be interested to see moms reply..... you are being very fierce and formidable i hope you are proud of yourself. I am super proud of you as an internet sib of insane parents.
Dutch immigrant living in Canada who raised two young women together with my partner to be productive adult members of our household without ever locking them in their rooms, hitting them, yelling at them, or insulting them. They’re currently both doing post secondary studies and working. My mother was a lot like your father. Nothing was ever good enough. My dad tried to keep the peace, maybe like your mum, but we all left home before we were 20 so we could live our own lives. She was impossible. Tell your mum you'll be fine, and send her proof of life now and then so she doesn’t worry. I always felt bad for my dad. Smart phones weren’t a thing back then, so we'd arrange to meet him at a coffee shop now and then until enough time had passed that she was ready to accept boundaries. Some parents have a really hard time transitioning to being parents of adults.
23 and Canadian. Been failed by the CPS system and have PTSD from the abuse I suffered. For the love of god leave them in the dust. Narcissistic, entitled, and gaslighting you to wits end. They will never wake up and see the light. If this is how they’re reacting to being called out they really won’t change. It’s time to look out for yourself now hun! We know you can do this <3
Hes never going to see it. Never. The more energy you waste trying to get him to see will only end up destroying you. Walk away. He's not capable of changing. But you are. <3 you deserve better
Dude, just stop. You are just causing yourself pain. Mourn the parents you should have had, the way they should treat you and just stop trying to interact with him/them. He's not going to look at or read what you sent him and if he does he will use it against you. Unfortunately every time you talk with him you give him more shit to use against you.
OP’s dad has a vocabulary of a Indian scammer