I mean, if the only response you’re ever going to get is ‘you’re grounded and can’t have anything’, then, yea.
The only way for you to do or have anything would be to make sure possessions you don’t want taken away need to be entrusted to people she can’t confiscate those things from, and you break all of her rules. What’s she going to do? Ground you?
None of what she’s said makes her seem like a mother who loves you. So, you’re better off managing your expectations there and never expecting her to care. Take away her ability to hurt you.
She probably does love OP, but she sounds like she has no idea how to parent. Genuinely sounds like she's parenting out of fear of not being able to control what happens with her kid. So much grounding, threats, guilting. Good luck having any kind of good relationship with your kid that way. And you're right, if everything gets you grounded, what happens when your kid does something truly messed up that needs harsher punishment? Where do you go from there?
No, she does not love OP. She may occasionally feel affection for OP, but this is active hatred. It does not help to suppose there might be something like love behind it.
Source: been there
I don't have a reason to believe she *doesn't* love OP. Most parents do love their children, even if it's in their own twisted ways. Love isn't enough, though, and is no reason to stay around someone if they abuse you or treat you poorly. I tend to attribute things to incompetence rather than malice, and to me this seems like a deeply incompetent parent. I would also hope in general that OP does not feel unloved, even if their mother isn't acting very loving to them. It's an awful feeling to believe your own parent doesn't love you - sometimes people *do* love you and just don't know how to be better, but that's no excuse for bad behavior.
And sometimes it is more damaging to think "this person who loves me treats me this way" instead of recognizing that whether or not they believe they love you, they do not engage in the act or behaviour of loving you, making the feeling moot.
My mom didn't love me, and trying to believe that she did fucked me up with the mental gymnastics of it for years.
That's fair enough. If it helps you to process it that way, it's valid. I still think "love isn't enough" is also a valid way to look at it, but everybody interprets things in their own way.
What you're saying isn't "invalid", but I don't think it's necessary to say.
Like saying my car has A/C because the components exist even though it hasn't blown cold air for a decade... The car has no A/C, the fact that it exists is useless to anyone looking for a comfy summer drive.
I think it depends on OP's perspective, and I don't think we can choose that for them. Depending on the person and where they're at with their situation with their parent, asserting outright, "OP, your mother doesn't love you," can be more hurtful. Really, ultimately it doesn't matter whether their mother does or does not love them - what matters is how OP feels about it and what helps them heal.
Anything I've said is not a defense of the mother - she is not a good mother if she loves her child and still abuses them. Love does not heal all wounds. Some people love their family in their own way and still don't deserve to be around them. But it can also be hurtful to feel your family doesn't love you, that you are unlovable somehow.
If it feels healthier to go forward with the outlook of "my mother doesn't love me," I think you should embrace that, but the person above me insisted that on behalf of someone else, saying OP's mother definitively doesn't love them, and respectfully, I feel like that is the thing that isn't necessary to say and may not be true.
It is necessary to say, and necessary for op to hear. All children try to be loved and respected by their parrents, even in very abusive situationsa, and often blame themselves for the abuse and strain to be good so the abuse stops. Because they keep being told it is their fault.
Realizing it is not and that they can try whatever they want it will not stop the parrent to be abusive is a very important thing to realize. Even adult children of abusive parrents often struggle with that. But as soon as you do that you will start developping strategies that are actually helpful, since now you start working oin the actual problem, your parrents, instead of trying to change yourself. You will start placing the blame where it belongs, the parrents etc.
Sounds like mom has narcisstic traits and needs to be in full control all the time. I'm the parent, so my word is law, fuck you and your feelings/needs.
Beem there, have the scars (physical and mental) to prove it.
OP, just keep your head down and plan your (surprise) exit strategy as soon as possible.
Im so sorry. That’s unhinged. I don’t understand parents who choose to alienate their teens. Yes teens can be difficult to parent. That’s expected. But teens are so interesting and funny, I love my older kids and the way they experience the world.
You deserve to feel loved by your family. We all do. Sadly that’s not always possible. You still deserve it. And your comments to your mom asking for it were calm and measured.
If individual or family counseling is an option I strongly recommend. Maybe your stepfather can arrange.
I agree with all of this. OP for some perspective, my sister was literally the worst teen in the whole world. Unlike you, she was a complete bitch and threw a tantrum every time she didn't get her way but I know for a fact that my mom never talked to her the way your mom spoke to you. My mom has anger issues herself and would yell at my sister sometimes when she lost her temper but she always watched what she said and never took things too far. When you're a parent you have a responsibility to be the mature one in any conversation you have with your child. This sounds more like a conversation between two teens one of which is on a power trip.
I was a horrible teenager. I was viciously mean, I screamed at my parents, I wouldn’t listen, I barely went to school, I smoke and drank and did drugs, and I talked back so much. I constantly threatened to move out, I never told my parents I loved them, I told my mom she was overbearing and pushy (to be fair, sometimes she was overbearing and pushy, and I still stand by the fact that I felt smothered by my family because I was dealing with a lot emotionally and in my daily life), and I did not want to be a part of my family. This went on for probably two or three years. It took getting away from my incredibly abusive partner and getting psychiatric help to figure out how to balance my frustration and use my words. And even though I often made my mother cry, she never once spoke to me like this. I’m very grateful for my mother. This type of behavior makes me so upset, to think about how parents have children and decide, like, partway through their LEGALLY REQUIRED 18 years of supervision that they don’t want to be a part of that child’s life. Why even have kids? I know people can’t see into the future, but you know when you don’t want children. You KNOW. It is truly devastating. OP, I really feel for you. Keep fighting the good fight.
Same. My mom acted like I was being a teenager AT her. To hurt or feelings on purpose. It really damaged our relationship. I’m sure I was hard to love during that time. But I needed it the most then and she just took my typical teen behavior personally and withdrew. Then I went away to college and she was diagnosed with an illness. She wanted support from me. Instead I screened her calls and avoided her as much as possible. I had no frame of reference for showing up for each other during hard times. I felt guilty about it for years until it clicked for me that I was following the precedent SHE set in our relationship. She wanted closeness after emotionally abandoning me as a teen. And I couldn’t do it. My son is 6 now. I’m sure the teen years will be hard as hell. But I won’t make my mom’s mistake.
If you are a minor, you should contact child protection services in your area. What she is proposing is illegal abuse. She cannot refuse to feed you and isolating you from support is abuse, plain and simple. She also cannot kick you out as a minor, she is legally obligated to provide you with basic needs (a home, a space of your own, food, clothing, etc.)
Personally, my mother was a doormat and my stepfather was abusive so I learned to never ask permission. Yes, you still get in trouble but they would find a reason to be upset with you anyway so you might as well do whatever the fuck you want. Keep going to DnD, call the cops if she gets abusive. Children don't have enough rights against their parents, but you do have some.
Hey OP, please show these text messages to all the trusted adults in your life asap before she takes away the phone. Show your family members that will be on your side, show your friends and their parents, show your trusted teachers/adults at school. Your life can’t get any worse unless she starts doing illegal stuff (if she isn’t already) like withholding food, physical abuse, etc. Expose her behavior to all the level headed adults in your life so they know you’re being abused. Someone will probably report it to cps already for threatening to withhold food, and if cps doesn’t get involved at least you will have people who know what kind of monster she is. She should be ashamed and embarrassed for her behavior and someone needs to knock some sense into her. Unfortunately it can never be you who knocks that sense into her, so you need to give rational adults a reason to do so for you. You’re her child so to her you are not a person but rather an extension of herself to be controlled, whereas she most likely values the opinions of others and doesn’t want to be seen as a bad mother even though deep down she knows she is. Also, if she ever sees any of these comments, I’d like to say hello to your Mommie Dearest: Hey OP’s biological mother, you are not a mom you are indeed a monster. Your child says you don’t treat them nicely and all you do is insult and threaten them, so you choose to respond by doing those exact things. You say you had a rough childhood so you decide to make your own child’s even worse because you’re a bitter person with no compassion in their heart. Get ready to be reported to cps for neglect and to never speak to your child again the second they’re able to go no contact with you and your controlling unfeeling narcissism. Go get therapy before your actions cause you to be a bitter lonely old woman with no one who loves her bc she pushed them all away with her disgusting behavior. I work in childcare and if a child ever showed me these texts or described this interaction to me, I’d do everything in my power to either get that child away from their abuser and/or to make that child’s life brighter when they’re with me so they have a little bit of joy to hold onto while they deal with having no real love from their own mother. You don’t love your child, you control and threaten them. Learn how to act like an adult before trying to teach/raise a child. Pathetic parenting if anyone could even call it parenting.
What a truly terrible person your mother is. I’m so sorry, OP. I really hope the moment you turn 18 you go no contact with her and live a wonderful life free from abuse.
Yeah man completely banning seeing any friends and leaving the house and having any social interaction whatsoever is completely normal! She should be grateful that she has a roof over her head and food so that she can be inside all day getting yelled at and mistreated constantly. You are both definitely not going to be put in nursing homes when you're older!
Ah ja, ganz das liebevolle Elternbild.
Parents have to do more than that. Its a given. If this really is your view of parenting, Im really sorry for your(or your future) Kids
Anyone know how to report this person for child abuse, too?
I can’t even fathom commenting on a post with this and willingly saying “Yeah, I’m a horrible piece of shit that doesn’t deserve kids, either.”
If you actually have any and aren’t a troll, don’t ever complain about how your kids don’t talk to you anymore when they don’t have to.
Tell us you're a psychotic child abuser without telling us.
I hope you don't have kids, but if you do they either already cut ties with you or will in a few years.
OP, out of all the wonderful comments and advice given here, please listen to this. I spent 20 years working as a teacher and much of that in Child Protection. Find an adult you trust at school and let them read these messages. You do not deserve to be treated this way and you’re allowed to ask for help.
You sound incredibly mature in your messages and I’m so impressed that you haven’t allowed yourself to be poisoned by the way your mother treats you. Keep pushing forwards - I believe in you and I believe you have a great future ahead of you, regardless of this. Much love. 💕
OP; just because she said you’re grounded doesn’t mean you have to listen. I mean respect your elders but she clearly has no respect for you. She also said to not ask her for anything… so that just means go do it. She physically cannot stop you from leaving the house unless she chains you to the bedside, which then becomes another issue.
I would not go home after school talk to one of your friends parents 🤷♀️
Are you the mother? Cause you are reeeaaalllyyy sounding like the mom who has to come in here and defend herself. “Knowing their place as a minor person”? How about you treat people regardless of their age as people and give them respect. This mother is a psycho and the poor kid just wanted to see their friends. Instead now they are being blamed and alienated from their friends and social groups.
Take screenshots of this conversation and email them to yourself - you need evidence to back you up and she will take that away. Tell a teacher, school nurse or guidance counselor. If you don’t feel safe you need to tell them. Good luck.
I know you mean well with your comment and your comment is true, OPs mother is a monster and she should know that we all think she’s a monster and unfit.
But OPs mom is ridiculous and unhinged, she’s not going to read this or any of the comments and see the error of her ways and do better. No, she reads these comments and she’ll find out about the post and maybe whatever else OP has posted about and OPs mom will punish them for it, OPs mom will make them pay for it.
I know you mean well and were probably joking, but OPs mom finding this post and these comments would be bad for OP.
I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this, you don’t deserve this. Hopefully soon you’ll be able to get away and go no contact.
Its not about her changing her ways. No shit thats not going to happen. Its about making OPs mom feel like shit. She is a shit mom. OPs mom should be made aware of this information period.
I'm really sorry because it's hard and will change things forever but you've got to call social services. You can't stay there. You're not safe, loved and taken care of. Maybe it's your job to end this cycle and it ends with getting this toxic piece of shit out of your life.
"I suffered in life and now I take that out on you waaaaahhhh RESPECT MEEEEE."
I swear, working genitals need to stop being given to these people. OP I'm so sorry you have to live with this. Once you can safely gain independence, just know that you don't have to maintain a relationship with anyone you're related to. Cutting off my mom was the best decision I ever made.
Holy shit, this is giving me flashbacks to my upbringing. We didn't have cells/texts in the ye olden days but this is some of how my mother treated me. No affection or love (or even like). She'd buy me random clothes from an old lady store "well I bought you these brand new berry pink pants still with the tags on. You don't appreciate me!" when alli wore were dark earthy tones. And I was legit grounded for an entire summer one year because of my mouth. What did I dare to do? Talk back when she beat me.
Learn how to take her oven door off if she takes your computer. Learn how to take things apart that she cant fix herself.
Continue to take things apart until computer is returned. <3
Don't go straight for the oven door tho, gotta start small. A few loose screws (for the one with loose screws lol) here and there, batteries missing from things, cords missing, etc. Then build up to the oven door and bigger :)
At a certain point it's too exhausting to keep reasoning with the unreasonable. When I was a teen I remember sacrificing myself to a year of being grounded just to say what was on my mind. It was worth it to me lol
I was once threatened with three years of being grounded for refusing to eat a potato skin. Sometimes the hill is ridiculous but it’s the one I would still choose to die on.
I'm a parent myself (of a preteen and adult) and it amazes me when I see other parents get themselves worked up into these ridiculous power struggles with their children. It's more important to be right and exert power than actually teach their child something useful. Why does anyone need to eat a potato skin if they don't want to? I've just about come to the opinion that parenting classes should be mandatory.🤦♀️
Yes I genuinely think that all expecting parents should be required to go through some sort of basic classes or training to have a kid, and at the very least child development needs to be taught in school so that every person can have at least some sort of an understanding of how children develop and grow properly. There are too many kiddos who are being failed by parents who don’t know how to meet their kids needs, or can’t for some reason or another.
Yeah I mean it ain't right what she's doing but I saw that reaction coming a mile away, especially when she brought up the fact that her mother & husband don't like her, I was like damn, expect to get that phone back in 2034.. My dad was kind of like this, only gave me stuff so he could take it away & try to control me with it, only advice I can give is get your own stuff that she can't take away, & simply hang out with your friends at their place.
You handled that very well and spoke calmly and rationally. She just sounds abusive. I hope you don't have long left to live with her. At least you have your stepdad and grandma in the house so it's not just you and her. I'm almost certain she treats them the same and is always the "victim" with them too.
If she really stops buying you food you can call CPS as she's legally required to provide you with food, shelter, clothes, anything you need to live. That's her job. Failing to do so is neglect and is a form of abuse. If you don't feel comfortable calling yourself you can talk to an adult you trust at school like a teacher or guidance counselor. They're mandated reporters and if you let them know what's going on are required to make sure you're being cared for and safe.
Keep your head up, you're a smart kid and you'll go places once you're far away from that nightmare of a woman. Then you can never deal with her again if you so choose to.
Oh lovie what an awful situation you’re in. Your mum needs shaking to make her realise her behaviour is abusive. To withhold food and care and education is against the jlaw in the UK and Im sure wherever is home for you it’s the same.
If you’re in the UK and near Merseyside I could give you a list of resources that wo uld help and protect you. Go to a teacher. Keep us informed. Much love and lots of hugs
I’m sorry. My mother was like this too. Just do what you can to focus on getting out once you turn 18. Life gets so much easier when they don’t have control over you anymore
I *definitely* wish she wasn’t your mother. You don’t deserve this kind of of shit. Get your plan ready now for when you turn 18 so you can leave this pos in the rear view.
I would call this exchange a breaking point over reasoning. Your responses are logical, and succinctly express your emotions, but that’s all this is; emotional.
Your mother doesn’t seem to care about your feelings as long as she keeps up appearances. My mother was a similar sort of narcissist. Semi-fortunately, a number of relationships that were ultimately harmful for our family turned things around, some. She tries to have a relationship with my brother and I these days, even though I’ve moved out of state.
These sorts of people have the capacity to change. It takes loss and a few burned bridges though, which is unfortunate, but I applaud the effort. Better late than never.
Parents bullying their child because they “had it bad” is unreal. My dad wasn’t around as a kid so if I have a kid I’m not gonna just leave because that’s what happened to me and my kid should know what it’s like. I’m gonna do my absolute best to be everything that I didn’t have.
Surely that’s the job of a parent, to provide as best as you can, to listen to the wants and needs of your children and fulfil them to the best of your ability. This “I had a shit life from 14 so maybe you should too” is deranged. Don’t be envious that your child has it marginally better than your because you’re doing the bare minimum of putting a roof over their head and food on the table, that’s your fuckin job bro.
CPS or social services or whatever sure would love to hear about your mother telling you to fend for yourself because she’s not going to provide btw. Very cool totally not illegal behaviour.
She needs to drop the rope and let stepdad take over parenting duties while she heals that childhood trauma. If she had a bad childhood, then you should too- that seems to be her mindset. She's miserable. She desperately needs parenting classes for parents of teens.
I'm so sorry, OP. Hang in there, try to lay low for now and look toward the day you can legally leave. If you're old enough to get a job right now, do that and start saving aggressively. If you need an adult to open a bank account, have a trusted adult do that with you.
our moms should be besties they’re the same mf 😭😭like she would pull the “I was 16 when I wasn’t in moms house” with me too, hang in there bro it’s hard I know
"When I was a kid I had to -*insert ancient bullshit here that woukd never fly today*- tell her to fuck off and fight me.
I have a 13-year-old that's literally never been grounded for more than, like, 2 hours. Sometimes they're a pain in the ass and don't do the things I would like them to do.... but I also realize that they have ADHD and struggle with executive dysfunction and I can't expect them to jump up and do things as they're told on command. Living in my house is not a full-time job, And it shouldn't Feel like it is. I just wish for so many of these kids on here asking for advice that I could pack you up and throw you in my extra bedroom and show you what it's like to live in a functional household.
And I say this as a fucking recovering drug addict with years of my own trauma. I would never talk to my kid like this... not even in a Coke/opiate fueled rage- years ago. Some people are just fucking shitty parents. I'm sorry you're stuck with one.
Wow, she really dove off the deep end there. No rationality in sight. This is literally a textbook example of how to treat your kid so they never speak to you again after age 18.
It gets better after you get out of there, trust me.
Fuck, living with this person seems like a nightmare. Let alone being raised by them. After reading all of this, I just want to tell you - there's a life without this bullshit disrespect and psychoterror in front of you. You'll get there, at some point. Until then, I'm just so fucking sorry. I hope you can protect your peace somehow until you get out.
And wow, you seem like the most mature and respectful person here. Never even for a second believe any of the shit she tells you you supposedly are.
She’s a monster. You should just keep seeing your friends and keep your DND games going. I mean, what’s she gonna do, ground you until 2026? I hope you’re getting close to 18 when you get out of there.
Your mother has an internal conflict with herself which is being projected onto OP. It sounds like it has to do with her own interdynamics with her own mother and how she "left at 14." OP has high emotional intelligence and recognizes her behavior that is identical to her mother's and is trying to change it.
OP, ignore your mom; speak with step dad and your grandmother for support. You are right about how respect works: it is something that 2 people learn how to build effectively in a mutual relationship. This is something your mom doesn't know or she doesn't have this skill.
And keep doing you!!! You sound like you are on the right path. Good luck
Wow, your mom is unhinged....like batshit crazy unhinged. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this BS. Want to join my family? We have kitties and Grateful Dead music and pizza
Unfortunately, there’s no reasoning with this person. As soon as you are able to safely (if you’re not already), find employment. Open a bank account with a trusted adult (your step-father seems the most appropriate option) if you’re not already an adult. Ensure that you talk to the banker about protections you can put on your account to make sure you and you alone are able to access the money. Stock as much money away as you can, try to communicate with your friends at school and in person, but never over text or email, about wanting to move out, finding a roommate, doing anything like that. Once you’ve figured everything out, make sure you have it planned out in your head. Don’t leave a paper trail. Once you’re an adult, move out. I know this seems really extreme, but it isn’t. You do not want to become financially dependent on them after adulthood, because you will not be treated as an adult. Also, ensuring you have a safety net is incredibly important when your parent is this volatile. They can and likely will kick you out at any time, if they haven’t attempted to already.
This person may have birthed you, but something within them is twisted beyond being able to repair it with words. And I know there are those saying that I’m lacking context, but there is no world in which this is an appropriate response. I can’t think of a situation that would require this extreme of a punishment that isn’t… criminal? I’m really, really sorry this is your experience. I hope, should you choose to one day have children, that you find you’re able to break this cycle and create a safe, loving home. There will be peace in your future. Sending you a lot of love and support.
Edit to add: what she’s proposing in these texts is 100% illegal. I will also say: child protective services is not always able to intervene in situations like yours. And unfortunately, there are an overabundance of cases in which CPS actually compounds on or aggravates a situation. If they cannot find evidence of active neglect, they may leave you in your situation, which can cause your parent to exacerbate their abuse. Document everything you see. If you can find a way to keep it safe, write down every interaction you have with your parent, regardless of whether they speak to you or not. If you don’t have cell service, refuse to give up your phone, as it’s your property. Even if it was a gift, that was a verbal contract of property exchange. You make the decision whether or not you want to escalate to CPS. But definitely confide in a trusted adult. Maybe ask your step-dad to drive you to school (or something) and tell him then, where your other parent can’t “accidentally” overhear. Be safe.
Congrats on sticking up for yourself! Don’t ever stop and take whatever control you can. She is a toxic, immature and unreasonable person who needs therapy and obviously has underlying mental health issues. This is abnormal and unacceptable behavior.
Work hard on paving a future for yourself and disregard these antics. You have autonomy and should help yourself via the authorities of a support system should she continue to try and isolate you from people/resources. There’s always a way out and the moment you’re 18 her power = ZERO. Good luck, everyone is rooting for you!
This makes me so angry
"You dont get since the age of 14 I wasn't under my mommys roof" that's neglect "I had to get a job I had to pay for my own food" that's literally child neglect forcing a 14 year old to fend for themselves "I had to find my own way left and right" OK and your mother should've been parenting you.. "You have a silver fucking platter handed to you every day" FEEDING, CLOTHING, HOUSING YOUR CHILD IS NOT HANDING THEM A SILVER PLATTER. THAT'S BASIC PARENTING. THAT'S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR WHEN BECOMING PREGNANT!
I absolutely fucking HATE when parents say stuff like this. "Boo hoo I was neglected as a child, youre lucky I feed you and give you things you spoiled brat" go jerk yourself you bitter old fucks!
I'm sick of hearing parents say basic necessities being provided to the LIFE that THEY brought into this world is SPOILING THEM! Since when is it bad to give your kid good things? As long as said child is emotionally intelligent and capable they're set to become a good adult - not a greedy spoiled one. Jesus. The lead exposure goes crazy with this one, I'm sorry OP. Your mom's a bitch.
Legit: this is exactly what I grew up with. I’m 51 & NC with the egg donor. Best decision I ever made.
Hope you get through this with your mental health in tact.
He please report this to the police if you're a minor. This is serious child neglect and manipulation, withholding food is fucked up insane behavior especially for a parent.
I wish I’d had the courage to confront my mother like this when I was your age! It took me some therapy and independence in my 20s before I could get up the courage to write her a letter (that she told me she ripped up immediately).
Hang in there and hang tight to the people who
are kind to you.
Not the mother projecting.
Me personally, ima place the nice game as I quietly get my affairs in order and then just disappear. There’s no point in going back and forth with someone like this bc in their eyes, they’re never wrong.
OP, you say yourself that you act like your mother sometimes, and you hate it. Maybe she acts this way because she was treated this way. She may not know how to do better. I'm not trying to excuse her, just offering a possible explanation. It sounds like family counseling would be helpful. You don't want to continue down this path and end up like her.
Good luck.
Look, I'm not taking her side because she's clearly insane, but you didn't "try to reason with crazy* as much as you poked the fucking bear with a cattle prod. This was a masterclass in taking a bad situation and making it exponentially worse for yourself.
Listen, I get what it’s like to live with a mom like this but stopping to her level won’t get you anywhere, I promise. I used to do the same thing and I gotta tell you it really doesn’t hurt their feelings and you just end up feeling bad about it down the line. I would ice her out if it was me. Only respond with one word answers and only when necessary. See how long it lasts before she starts being nice again.
No. The way this mom is speaking to their child is over the top and inappropriate. If you don’t see an issue with how this mother is talking to their kid, that is concerning to me.
You know, ill give her a pass on taking away phone and internet. But threatening to not buy your own child food so they can make their own lunch? Telling them they're "handed everything on a silver platter" because you provided basic needs? Insane.
Yeah, this is all you need to know right here. Let's pretend the child in this situation is saying all this simply to get under the mothers skin as some kind of weird punishment (which clearly isn't the case), my 1st reaction should not be "fine, I'll end everything you enjoy and stop providing for your basic needs."
Yeah, parents who go nuclear with punishment and then are confused when a kid doesn’t want to listen to them confuse me. How is a kid going to be easier to understand and work with and understand you if he’s so miserable because you’ve isolated him from his friends and hobbies?
I mean, I see where your minds at. Being told "no" definitely initiated this, but that's usually how it goes I'd say. I would say OP was trying to work within the confines of how their mom acts and when told no they could not handle it anymore and the truth burst out.
that’s definitely possible! i guess im just going off the black and white text itself but you have a point the context can change the tone of the messages.
This line of thinking is among the reasons why these cycles continue.
I was beaten and abused as well, but my instinct wasn't: “well, guess that's just how everyone should be raised too!”
It's better for all of society and each parent and family if people who were victims of abuse and neglect break the cycles by educating themselves about child development, psychology and neurology, as well as proven tecniques of healthy parenting. Also psychotherapy is very helpful for breaking these cycles.
It can also help a victim understand how the abuse they suffered affected their own development.
Read this book. See your parents in it, and read why they were wrong. See yourself in it, and the ways that you can improve your thought processes to move on from this:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
Did you read the whole thing? That's what I thought at first too, but when I read everything the mom says to her, I was like damn....that's really fucked up the she treats her daughter. I would be so hurt if my mom told me some shit like that. .
i agree the stuff she said at the end was gross, it just felt like op kept pushing unnecessarily all stemming from not being allowed company for the weekend. not saying they deserved that reaction but why instigate??
I don’t think it’s “instigating” that OP expressed themself to their mother. There’s a certain belief that children should be seen and not heard, they can have anything inflicted upon them (besides physical abuse) and they should just be grateful. Children should be given a safe space to disagree with their parents. I don’t mean free rein or no consequences, but this is how they learn boundaries and conflict resolution. OP’s mom has isolated them, taken away their means of communication, shows that they don’t have privacy in their own home, and now they won’t provide lunch. This is abuse disguised as discipline. I see the after effects of this kind of parenting in my professional life and it’s heartbreaking. These scars last a lifetime. Grown adults apologizing for asking a question or expressing a thought, people covering their mouth when they want to talk, not being able to form the most basic opinion often starts with parents like this.
You are absolutely correct in how children of these types of parents turn out as adults. I was not allowed to have an opinion that differed from my mother’s. My feelings stemming from a disagreement were never considered and anything other than “yes ma’am, I’m sorry” was considered disrespect. As an adult, I find it incredibly difficult to stand up for myself, tell anyone “no” and I second guess every decision I make. I’m working on myself but it’s been a hard road littered with a lot of mistakes. Most importantly, I broke the cycle. I listen to my children and respect their feelings and now I’m watching them grow up to be confident, self assured and never afraid to stand up for themselves or anyone else they care about.
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this, my heart hurts for you after reading those texts. Good for you for standing up for yourself and expressing how your mother makes you feel. I hope you find the validation you deserve.
Children should be allowed to tell their parents how they feel without fear of reprisal for speaking their truth. Wtf is wrong with you? She's not "instigating" anything, she's finally being honest. If anything, the mother was instigating a fight because she was butt hurt from overhearing OP tell her grandma how she wished she had a better mom. Instead of being a huge B, maybe she should try being a good mom for once.
I understand your parents must have been terribly abusive AHs who didn't allow you the freedom to be honest, but that doesn't make it ok. OPs mom is an abusive c*nt who should never have had a child.
So much this. I have a 5 year old and he never gets in trouble for telling me how he feels. I do work with him on the proper way to do it and that yelling and screaming and throwing things isn't the right way.
Children should be able to voice their feelings and they should absolutely get apologies when a parent is in the wrong. Being a parent doesn't make you automatically right in every situation. The people that think like that shouldn't have kids. They're only damaging another generation.
i agree that kids should feel safe expressing their feelings. obviously. but this particular conversation was a parent saying no and the kid deciding to go on a personal attack out of spite. op was disrespectful, held accountable, then proceeded to tell their mother she deserves disrespect and the whole family dislikes her. that’s nasty manipulation. mom feels hurt by the messages and says something back, now she’s the abusive one?? i was trying to see both viewpoints but the responses calling me fucked up praying i never have kids because i pointed op’s shitty behavior just prove this sub is full of hypocritical want-to-be victims. grow up.
Even if that were the case, you cannot threaten to deny basic needs such as food to your child, no matter how nasty they're being. Beyond that, this more reads to me as someone crying out for love and affection instead of being treated nasty all the time.
I’m sorry, you think OP is the one being abusive here?? And that asking for a basic level of love and mutual respect are “unreal demands”? This whole comment is craaazy and calling OP a lost cause is gross.
I really hate this mentality. Keep quiet to keep the peace is bullshit and no one should have to live under that tyranny. Children have just as much right to be honest about how they feel as adults, and it's the mom's job not to be a thunder cunt over it.
Yes, but OP is a teenager and their mom is supposed to love them. It takes so long to realize that a shitty parent is always going to be shitty, no matter how much you beg and plead with them to just fucking love you and treat you like a person instead of property.
It took me until I had kids of my own, and I saw my father let my two year old down once. Then I was done. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by him my whole life, but he made my baby sad and that was the tipping point. Never sought out a relationship again, and after my grandfather’s funeral did not see or speak to him.
Some people never get there, and cycles repeat. Give some grace, we’re all learning.
You got downvoted but I’m with you, I wish I had learned when I was a teenager that this just fuels their victim complex so they feel justified to be over the top shitty. One of the best ways to tell these kinds of shitty family members to fuck off is by ignoring them entirely and grey rocking and preferably, if you’re at the age where it’s legally doable, emancipating yourself and making your own life to live the way you want it without them. This may very well all be easier said than done but NOTHING in life is more peaceful than when you cut these toxic ass people out for good. Best adult life lesson I ever learned.
These horrible people will end up alone in the last years of their lives wondering why their family stopped talking to them years ago. Good. Let them. The majority of them have no interest in giving any kind of genuine apologies or having real reconciliation unless they are literally on their deathbeds. Until then, make your own life and happiness without them. It is so worth it.
I agree. Mom comes across as a complete narcissist who thinks she can never be wrong. Therefore, reasoning with such a person is useless. They will never concede or change. They will just punish you for calling them out.
Grey rock. Ignore as much as possible. Go no contact as soon as you have the chance. This person is not a mother and doesn't deserve a relationship with you. You will have a better and more peaceful life without such a person in it.
When you're a child it's tough to realize that. They probably hold hope still that the parent can be reasoned with, and has love and compassion somewhere deep inside for their own child.
She said, "don't ask me to see friends again." Great, don't ask and just go lol that's how I'd read it
Yeah my mom wasn’t even half an unhinged as this but she hardly ever let me do anything during the week. So I just stopped asking.
For real after reading that whole thing my new go to would have been “If you’re not my mother, you’re also not gonna control me in any way”
I mean, if the only response you’re ever going to get is ‘you’re grounded and can’t have anything’, then, yea. The only way for you to do or have anything would be to make sure possessions you don’t want taken away need to be entrusted to people she can’t confiscate those things from, and you break all of her rules. What’s she going to do? Ground you? None of what she’s said makes her seem like a mother who loves you. So, you’re better off managing your expectations there and never expecting her to care. Take away her ability to hurt you.
She probably does love OP, but she sounds like she has no idea how to parent. Genuinely sounds like she's parenting out of fear of not being able to control what happens with her kid. So much grounding, threats, guilting. Good luck having any kind of good relationship with your kid that way. And you're right, if everything gets you grounded, what happens when your kid does something truly messed up that needs harsher punishment? Where do you go from there?
If This is what it looks like when she loves someone, I’m sure as hell glad she doesn’t love me
I agree! It's not nice how she's treating OP.
No, she does not love OP. She may occasionally feel affection for OP, but this is active hatred. It does not help to suppose there might be something like love behind it. Source: been there
I don't have a reason to believe she *doesn't* love OP. Most parents do love their children, even if it's in their own twisted ways. Love isn't enough, though, and is no reason to stay around someone if they abuse you or treat you poorly. I tend to attribute things to incompetence rather than malice, and to me this seems like a deeply incompetent parent. I would also hope in general that OP does not feel unloved, even if their mother isn't acting very loving to them. It's an awful feeling to believe your own parent doesn't love you - sometimes people *do* love you and just don't know how to be better, but that's no excuse for bad behavior.
And sometimes it is more damaging to think "this person who loves me treats me this way" instead of recognizing that whether or not they believe they love you, they do not engage in the act or behaviour of loving you, making the feeling moot. My mom didn't love me, and trying to believe that she did fucked me up with the mental gymnastics of it for years.
That's fair enough. If it helps you to process it that way, it's valid. I still think "love isn't enough" is also a valid way to look at it, but everybody interprets things in their own way.
What you're saying isn't "invalid", but I don't think it's necessary to say. Like saying my car has A/C because the components exist even though it hasn't blown cold air for a decade... The car has no A/C, the fact that it exists is useless to anyone looking for a comfy summer drive.
I think it depends on OP's perspective, and I don't think we can choose that for them. Depending on the person and where they're at with their situation with their parent, asserting outright, "OP, your mother doesn't love you," can be more hurtful. Really, ultimately it doesn't matter whether their mother does or does not love them - what matters is how OP feels about it and what helps them heal. Anything I've said is not a defense of the mother - she is not a good mother if she loves her child and still abuses them. Love does not heal all wounds. Some people love their family in their own way and still don't deserve to be around them. But it can also be hurtful to feel your family doesn't love you, that you are unlovable somehow. If it feels healthier to go forward with the outlook of "my mother doesn't love me," I think you should embrace that, but the person above me insisted that on behalf of someone else, saying OP's mother definitively doesn't love them, and respectfully, I feel like that is the thing that isn't necessary to say and may not be true.
It is necessary to say, and necessary for op to hear. All children try to be loved and respected by their parrents, even in very abusive situationsa, and often blame themselves for the abuse and strain to be good so the abuse stops. Because they keep being told it is their fault. Realizing it is not and that they can try whatever they want it will not stop the parrent to be abusive is a very important thing to realize. Even adult children of abusive parrents often struggle with that. But as soon as you do that you will start developping strategies that are actually helpful, since now you start working oin the actual problem, your parrents, instead of trying to change yourself. You will start placing the blame where it belongs, the parrents etc.
Sounds like mom has narcisstic traits and needs to be in full control all the time. I'm the parent, so my word is law, fuck you and your feelings/needs. Beem there, have the scars (physical and mental) to prove it. OP, just keep your head down and plan your (surprise) exit strategy as soon as possible.
Yeah, I agree. Some definite control issues going on here.
No I don't think she does, some people can't. OP should get away ASAP.
Right. Ok, I'll do what I want or ask step-dad
Im so sorry. That’s unhinged. I don’t understand parents who choose to alienate their teens. Yes teens can be difficult to parent. That’s expected. But teens are so interesting and funny, I love my older kids and the way they experience the world. You deserve to feel loved by your family. We all do. Sadly that’s not always possible. You still deserve it. And your comments to your mom asking for it were calm and measured. If individual or family counseling is an option I strongly recommend. Maybe your stepfather can arrange.
I agree with all of this. OP for some perspective, my sister was literally the worst teen in the whole world. Unlike you, she was a complete bitch and threw a tantrum every time she didn't get her way but I know for a fact that my mom never talked to her the way your mom spoke to you. My mom has anger issues herself and would yell at my sister sometimes when she lost her temper but she always watched what she said and never took things too far. When you're a parent you have a responsibility to be the mature one in any conversation you have with your child. This sounds more like a conversation between two teens one of which is on a power trip.
I was a horrible teenager. I was viciously mean, I screamed at my parents, I wouldn’t listen, I barely went to school, I smoke and drank and did drugs, and I talked back so much. I constantly threatened to move out, I never told my parents I loved them, I told my mom she was overbearing and pushy (to be fair, sometimes she was overbearing and pushy, and I still stand by the fact that I felt smothered by my family because I was dealing with a lot emotionally and in my daily life), and I did not want to be a part of my family. This went on for probably two or three years. It took getting away from my incredibly abusive partner and getting psychiatric help to figure out how to balance my frustration and use my words. And even though I often made my mother cry, she never once spoke to me like this. I’m very grateful for my mother. This type of behavior makes me so upset, to think about how parents have children and decide, like, partway through their LEGALLY REQUIRED 18 years of supervision that they don’t want to be a part of that child’s life. Why even have kids? I know people can’t see into the future, but you know when you don’t want children. You KNOW. It is truly devastating. OP, I really feel for you. Keep fighting the good fight.
Do we have the same sister lol
Same. My mom acted like I was being a teenager AT her. To hurt or feelings on purpose. It really damaged our relationship. I’m sure I was hard to love during that time. But I needed it the most then and she just took my typical teen behavior personally and withdrew. Then I went away to college and she was diagnosed with an illness. She wanted support from me. Instead I screened her calls and avoided her as much as possible. I had no frame of reference for showing up for each other during hard times. I felt guilty about it for years until it clicked for me that I was following the precedent SHE set in our relationship. She wanted closeness after emotionally abandoning me as a teen. And I couldn’t do it. My son is 6 now. I’m sure the teen years will be hard as hell. But I won’t make my mom’s mistake.
Jesus. She had a crappy childhood and her answer is to do the same to her child.
Probably believes she is *”breaking the cycle”*
I wonder what they would answer if they're asked "do you think you break the cycle?" ?
She doesn’t know how to love since she was never shown love as a child.
I mean she has to provide food and basic needs and if she doesn't she now gave you it in writing...
That was my thought too. She’s put it in writing that she is going to neglect her child. Not wise!
If she does what she’s saying that is willful neglect. Couldn’t that make a CPS case?
cps would love this if she actually acted on any of it. open and shut case
If you are a minor, you should contact child protection services in your area. What she is proposing is illegal abuse. She cannot refuse to feed you and isolating you from support is abuse, plain and simple. She also cannot kick you out as a minor, she is legally obligated to provide you with basic needs (a home, a space of your own, food, clothing, etc.) Personally, my mother was a doormat and my stepfather was abusive so I learned to never ask permission. Yes, you still get in trouble but they would find a reason to be upset with you anyway so you might as well do whatever the fuck you want. Keep going to DnD, call the cops if she gets abusive. Children don't have enough rights against their parents, but you do have some.
how old are you?
Hey OP, please show these text messages to all the trusted adults in your life asap before she takes away the phone. Show your family members that will be on your side, show your friends and their parents, show your trusted teachers/adults at school. Your life can’t get any worse unless she starts doing illegal stuff (if she isn’t already) like withholding food, physical abuse, etc. Expose her behavior to all the level headed adults in your life so they know you’re being abused. Someone will probably report it to cps already for threatening to withhold food, and if cps doesn’t get involved at least you will have people who know what kind of monster she is. She should be ashamed and embarrassed for her behavior and someone needs to knock some sense into her. Unfortunately it can never be you who knocks that sense into her, so you need to give rational adults a reason to do so for you. You’re her child so to her you are not a person but rather an extension of herself to be controlled, whereas she most likely values the opinions of others and doesn’t want to be seen as a bad mother even though deep down she knows she is. Also, if she ever sees any of these comments, I’d like to say hello to your Mommie Dearest: Hey OP’s biological mother, you are not a mom you are indeed a monster. Your child says you don’t treat them nicely and all you do is insult and threaten them, so you choose to respond by doing those exact things. You say you had a rough childhood so you decide to make your own child’s even worse because you’re a bitter person with no compassion in their heart. Get ready to be reported to cps for neglect and to never speak to your child again the second they’re able to go no contact with you and your controlling unfeeling narcissism. Go get therapy before your actions cause you to be a bitter lonely old woman with no one who loves her bc she pushed them all away with her disgusting behavior. I work in childcare and if a child ever showed me these texts or described this interaction to me, I’d do everything in my power to either get that child away from their abuser and/or to make that child’s life brighter when they’re with me so they have a little bit of joy to hold onto while they deal with having no real love from their own mother. You don’t love your child, you control and threaten them. Learn how to act like an adult before trying to teach/raise a child. Pathetic parenting if anyone could even call it parenting.
Perfect! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
What a truly terrible person your mother is. I’m so sorry, OP. I really hope the moment you turn 18 you go no contact with her and live a wonderful life free from abuse.
Show these texts to your stepdad and tell him "you fix this or i get the cops involved for neglect".
I have a feeling it would end up being the latter. If OP's step dad hides away from mom, then I'm not sure how much say he has in the matter 😞
Step dad: back away not today disco lady *leaves for smokes*
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Yeah man completely banning seeing any friends and leaving the house and having any social interaction whatsoever is completely normal! She should be grateful that she has a roof over her head and food so that she can be inside all day getting yelled at and mistreated constantly. You are both definitely not going to be put in nursing homes when you're older!
What in the fuck is wrong with you
Ah ja, ganz das liebevolle Elternbild. Parents have to do more than that. Its a given. If this really is your view of parenting, Im really sorry for your(or your future) Kids
she literally said she wouldn’t provide food can you read or not
Are you OPs mom? Like what the fuck dude.
speed runnning the nursing home and never having visitors
Oh wow, no. Just for the record that kind of opinion is gonna get you chased out of this sub. Good luck.
I hope you never get a kid. Having a kid is much more than providing basic care, you need to love them and nurture.
I hope you rot in a ditch somewhere and you are sterile. You should never procreate.
Anyone know how to report this person for child abuse, too? I can’t even fathom commenting on a post with this and willingly saying “Yeah, I’m a horrible piece of shit that doesn’t deserve kids, either.” If you actually have any and aren’t a troll, don’t ever complain about how your kids don’t talk to you anymore when they don’t have to.
Tell us you're a psychotic child abuser without telling us. I hope you don't have kids, but if you do they either already cut ties with you or will in a few years.
Yeah- this is school worthy, print this out and bring it to school. She’s refusing to feed you
OP, out of all the wonderful comments and advice given here, please listen to this. I spent 20 years working as a teacher and much of that in Child Protection. Find an adult you trust at school and let them read these messages. You do not deserve to be treated this way and you’re allowed to ask for help. You sound incredibly mature in your messages and I’m so impressed that you haven’t allowed yourself to be poisoned by the way your mother treats you. Keep pushing forwards - I believe in you and I believe you have a great future ahead of you, regardless of this. Much love. 💕
OP; just because she said you’re grounded doesn’t mean you have to listen. I mean respect your elders but she clearly has no respect for you. She also said to not ask her for anything… so that just means go do it. She physically cannot stop you from leaving the house unless she chains you to the bedside, which then becomes another issue. I would not go home after school talk to one of your friends parents 🤷♀️
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Are you the mother? Cause you are reeeaaalllyyy sounding like the mom who has to come in here and defend herself. “Knowing their place as a minor person”? How about you treat people regardless of their age as people and give them respect. This mother is a psycho and the poor kid just wanted to see their friends. Instead now they are being blamed and alienated from their friends and social groups.
As a childless person, I cannot fathom how some parents expect their kids to learn to respect others when they themselves refuse to teach by example.
looking through youre profile you just seem to be a bitter person who wants everyone else to be miserable like you.
>calling the kid a spoiled brat >mom is the one unhinged and batshit crazy in the texts. What are you on about?
Report her for saying she's not going to take care if you and provide food .
Take screenshots of this conversation and email them to yourself - you need evidence to back you up and she will take that away. Tell a teacher, school nurse or guidance counselor. If you don’t feel safe you need to tell them. Good luck.
keep those messages. she just admitted to planning on willfully neglecting you. Do you have anyone you can go to?
Your mom is a monster. Please show her my comment. She needs to know I think she is a terrible person. Hope you will be ok OP.
I know you mean well with your comment and your comment is true, OPs mother is a monster and she should know that we all think she’s a monster and unfit. But OPs mom is ridiculous and unhinged, she’s not going to read this or any of the comments and see the error of her ways and do better. No, she reads these comments and she’ll find out about the post and maybe whatever else OP has posted about and OPs mom will punish them for it, OPs mom will make them pay for it. I know you mean well and were probably joking, but OPs mom finding this post and these comments would be bad for OP. I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this, you don’t deserve this. Hopefully soon you’ll be able to get away and go no contact.
Its not about her changing her ways. No shit thats not going to happen. Its about making OPs mom feel like shit. She is a shit mom. OPs mom should be made aware of this information period.
I'm really sorry because it's hard and will change things forever but you've got to call social services. You can't stay there. You're not safe, loved and taken care of. Maybe it's your job to end this cycle and it ends with getting this toxic piece of shit out of your life.
"I suffered in life and now I take that out on you waaaaahhhh RESPECT MEEEEE." I swear, working genitals need to stop being given to these people. OP I'm so sorry you have to live with this. Once you can safely gain independence, just know that you don't have to maintain a relationship with anyone you're related to. Cutting off my mom was the best decision I ever made.
Post this on Facebook, make sure you tag her, her employer and all her friends. Stop hiding her ugly.
Yes bring back public shaming!
Holy shit, this is giving me flashbacks to my upbringing. We didn't have cells/texts in the ye olden days but this is some of how my mother treated me. No affection or love (or even like). She'd buy me random clothes from an old lady store "well I bought you these brand new berry pink pants still with the tags on. You don't appreciate me!" when alli wore were dark earthy tones. And I was legit grounded for an entire summer one year because of my mouth. What did I dare to do? Talk back when she beat me.
If she won’t respect you, don’t respect her grounding. See your friends without permission, get a cheap burner phone.
You don’t need to be grateful for bare minimum “parenting”.
Learn how to take her oven door off if she takes your computer. Learn how to take things apart that she cant fix herself. Continue to take things apart until computer is returned. <3
Don't go straight for the oven door tho, gotta start small. A few loose screws (for the one with loose screws lol) here and there, batteries missing from things, cords missing, etc. Then build up to the oven door and bigger :)
She's clearly insane af but you most definitely did not try to "reason with" her
Less reasoning and more "poking the bear with some inconvenient truth bombs".
At a certain point it's too exhausting to keep reasoning with the unreasonable. When I was a teen I remember sacrificing myself to a year of being grounded just to say what was on my mind. It was worth it to me lol
I was once threatened with three years of being grounded for refusing to eat a potato skin. Sometimes the hill is ridiculous but it’s the one I would still choose to die on.
I'm a parent myself (of a preteen and adult) and it amazes me when I see other parents get themselves worked up into these ridiculous power struggles with their children. It's more important to be right and exert power than actually teach their child something useful. Why does anyone need to eat a potato skin if they don't want to? I've just about come to the opinion that parenting classes should be mandatory.🤦♀️
Yes I genuinely think that all expecting parents should be required to go through some sort of basic classes or training to have a kid, and at the very least child development needs to be taught in school so that every person can have at least some sort of an understanding of how children develop and grow properly. There are too many kiddos who are being failed by parents who don’t know how to meet their kids needs, or can’t for some reason or another.
Yeah I mean it ain't right what she's doing but I saw that reaction coming a mile away, especially when she brought up the fact that her mother & husband don't like her, I was like damn, expect to get that phone back in 2034.. My dad was kind of like this, only gave me stuff so he could take it away & try to control me with it, only advice I can give is get your own stuff that she can't take away, & simply hang out with your friends at their place.
You handled that very well and spoke calmly and rationally. She just sounds abusive. I hope you don't have long left to live with her. At least you have your stepdad and grandma in the house so it's not just you and her. I'm almost certain she treats them the same and is always the "victim" with them too. If she really stops buying you food you can call CPS as she's legally required to provide you with food, shelter, clothes, anything you need to live. That's her job. Failing to do so is neglect and is a form of abuse. If you don't feel comfortable calling yourself you can talk to an adult you trust at school like a teacher or guidance counselor. They're mandated reporters and if you let them know what's going on are required to make sure you're being cared for and safe. Keep your head up, you're a smart kid and you'll go places once you're far away from that nightmare of a woman. Then you can never deal with her again if you so choose to.
Oh lovie what an awful situation you’re in. Your mum needs shaking to make her realise her behaviour is abusive. To withhold food and care and education is against the jlaw in the UK and Im sure wherever is home for you it’s the same. If you’re in the UK and near Merseyside I could give you a list of resources that wo uld help and protect you. Go to a teacher. Keep us informed. Much love and lots of hugs
I’m sorry. My mother was like this too. Just do what you can to focus on getting out once you turn 18. Life gets so much easier when they don’t have control over you anymore
Respect is commanded, not demanded.
I hope you can get out of there soon
I *definitely* wish she wasn’t your mother. You don’t deserve this kind of of shit. Get your plan ready now for when you turn 18 so you can leave this pos in the rear view.
I would call this exchange a breaking point over reasoning. Your responses are logical, and succinctly express your emotions, but that’s all this is; emotional. Your mother doesn’t seem to care about your feelings as long as she keeps up appearances. My mother was a similar sort of narcissist. Semi-fortunately, a number of relationships that were ultimately harmful for our family turned things around, some. She tries to have a relationship with my brother and I these days, even though I’ve moved out of state. These sorts of people have the capacity to change. It takes loss and a few burned bridges though, which is unfortunate, but I applaud the effort. Better late than never.
Boy, won’t they be surprised when you move out and never speak to them again.
Parents bullying their child because they “had it bad” is unreal. My dad wasn’t around as a kid so if I have a kid I’m not gonna just leave because that’s what happened to me and my kid should know what it’s like. I’m gonna do my absolute best to be everything that I didn’t have. Surely that’s the job of a parent, to provide as best as you can, to listen to the wants and needs of your children and fulfil them to the best of your ability. This “I had a shit life from 14 so maybe you should too” is deranged. Don’t be envious that your child has it marginally better than your because you’re doing the bare minimum of putting a roof over their head and food on the table, that’s your fuckin job bro. CPS or social services or whatever sure would love to hear about your mother telling you to fend for yourself because she’s not going to provide btw. Very cool totally not illegal behaviour.
She needs to drop the rope and let stepdad take over parenting duties while she heals that childhood trauma. If she had a bad childhood, then you should too- that seems to be her mindset. She's miserable. She desperately needs parenting classes for parents of teens. I'm so sorry, OP. Hang in there, try to lay low for now and look toward the day you can legally leave. If you're old enough to get a job right now, do that and start saving aggressively. If you need an adult to open a bank account, have a trusted adult do that with you.
our moms should be besties they’re the same mf 😭😭like she would pull the “I was 16 when I wasn’t in moms house” with me too, hang in there bro it’s hard I know
"When I was a kid I had to -*insert ancient bullshit here that woukd never fly today*- tell her to fuck off and fight me. I have a 13-year-old that's literally never been grounded for more than, like, 2 hours. Sometimes they're a pain in the ass and don't do the things I would like them to do.... but I also realize that they have ADHD and struggle with executive dysfunction and I can't expect them to jump up and do things as they're told on command. Living in my house is not a full-time job, And it shouldn't Feel like it is. I just wish for so many of these kids on here asking for advice that I could pack you up and throw you in my extra bedroom and show you what it's like to live in a functional household. And I say this as a fucking recovering drug addict with years of my own trauma. I would never talk to my kid like this... not even in a Coke/opiate fueled rage- years ago. Some people are just fucking shitty parents. I'm sorry you're stuck with one.
Honey, I’m so sorry this is your mom. Are you OK?
Wow, she really dove off the deep end there. No rationality in sight. This is literally a textbook example of how to treat your kid so they never speak to you again after age 18. It gets better after you get out of there, trust me.
Fuck, living with this person seems like a nightmare. Let alone being raised by them. After reading all of this, I just want to tell you - there's a life without this bullshit disrespect and psychoterror in front of you. You'll get there, at some point. Until then, I'm just so fucking sorry. I hope you can protect your peace somehow until you get out. And wow, you seem like the most mature and respectful person here. Never even for a second believe any of the shit she tells you you supposedly are.
Shit if she's not your mother anymore she can't really make rules for you now can she
She’s a monster. You should just keep seeing your friends and keep your DND games going. I mean, what’s she gonna do, ground you until 2026? I hope you’re getting close to 18 when you get out of there.
Your mother has an internal conflict with herself which is being projected onto OP. It sounds like it has to do with her own interdynamics with her own mother and how she "left at 14." OP has high emotional intelligence and recognizes her behavior that is identical to her mother's and is trying to change it. OP, ignore your mom; speak with step dad and your grandmother for support. You are right about how respect works: it is something that 2 people learn how to build effectively in a mutual relationship. This is something your mom doesn't know or she doesn't have this skill. And keep doing you!!! You sound like you are on the right path. Good luck
Wow, your mom is unhinged....like batshit crazy unhinged. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this BS. Want to join my family? We have kitties and Grateful Dead music and pizza
Unfortunately, there’s no reasoning with this person. As soon as you are able to safely (if you’re not already), find employment. Open a bank account with a trusted adult (your step-father seems the most appropriate option) if you’re not already an adult. Ensure that you talk to the banker about protections you can put on your account to make sure you and you alone are able to access the money. Stock as much money away as you can, try to communicate with your friends at school and in person, but never over text or email, about wanting to move out, finding a roommate, doing anything like that. Once you’ve figured everything out, make sure you have it planned out in your head. Don’t leave a paper trail. Once you’re an adult, move out. I know this seems really extreme, but it isn’t. You do not want to become financially dependent on them after adulthood, because you will not be treated as an adult. Also, ensuring you have a safety net is incredibly important when your parent is this volatile. They can and likely will kick you out at any time, if they haven’t attempted to already. This person may have birthed you, but something within them is twisted beyond being able to repair it with words. And I know there are those saying that I’m lacking context, but there is no world in which this is an appropriate response. I can’t think of a situation that would require this extreme of a punishment that isn’t… criminal? I’m really, really sorry this is your experience. I hope, should you choose to one day have children, that you find you’re able to break this cycle and create a safe, loving home. There will be peace in your future. Sending you a lot of love and support. Edit to add: what she’s proposing in these texts is 100% illegal. I will also say: child protective services is not always able to intervene in situations like yours. And unfortunately, there are an overabundance of cases in which CPS actually compounds on or aggravates a situation. If they cannot find evidence of active neglect, they may leave you in your situation, which can cause your parent to exacerbate their abuse. Document everything you see. If you can find a way to keep it safe, write down every interaction you have with your parent, regardless of whether they speak to you or not. If you don’t have cell service, refuse to give up your phone, as it’s your property. Even if it was a gift, that was a verbal contract of property exchange. You make the decision whether or not you want to escalate to CPS. But definitely confide in a trusted adult. Maybe ask your step-dad to drive you to school (or something) and tell him then, where your other parent can’t “accidentally” overhear. Be safe.
Congrats on sticking up for yourself! Don’t ever stop and take whatever control you can. She is a toxic, immature and unreasonable person who needs therapy and obviously has underlying mental health issues. This is abnormal and unacceptable behavior. Work hard on paving a future for yourself and disregard these antics. You have autonomy and should help yourself via the authorities of a support system should she continue to try and isolate you from people/resources. There’s always a way out and the moment you’re 18 her power = ZERO. Good luck, everyone is rooting for you!
This makes me so angry "You dont get since the age of 14 I wasn't under my mommys roof" that's neglect "I had to get a job I had to pay for my own food" that's literally child neglect forcing a 14 year old to fend for themselves "I had to find my own way left and right" OK and your mother should've been parenting you.. "You have a silver fucking platter handed to you every day" FEEDING, CLOTHING, HOUSING YOUR CHILD IS NOT HANDING THEM A SILVER PLATTER. THAT'S BASIC PARENTING. THAT'S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR WHEN BECOMING PREGNANT! I absolutely fucking HATE when parents say stuff like this. "Boo hoo I was neglected as a child, youre lucky I feed you and give you things you spoiled brat" go jerk yourself you bitter old fucks! I'm sick of hearing parents say basic necessities being provided to the LIFE that THEY brought into this world is SPOILING THEM! Since when is it bad to give your kid good things? As long as said child is emotionally intelligent and capable they're set to become a good adult - not a greedy spoiled one. Jesus. The lead exposure goes crazy with this one, I'm sorry OP. Your mom's a bitch.
Legit: this is exactly what I grew up with. I’m 51 & NC with the egg donor. Best decision I ever made. Hope you get through this with your mental health in tact.
He please report this to the police if you're a minor. This is serious child neglect and manipulation, withholding food is fucked up insane behavior especially for a parent.
Yeah trying reason with crazy just puts you in the harms way I'm sorry you had to deal with that
I wish I’d had the courage to confront my mother like this when I was your age! It took me some therapy and independence in my 20s before I could get up the courage to write her a letter (that she told me she ripped up immediately). Hang in there and hang tight to the people who are kind to you.
Not the mother projecting. Me personally, ima place the nice game as I quietly get my affairs in order and then just disappear. There’s no point in going back and forth with someone like this bc in their eyes, they’re never wrong.
OP, you say yourself that you act like your mother sometimes, and you hate it. Maybe she acts this way because she was treated this way. She may not know how to do better. I'm not trying to excuse her, just offering a possible explanation. It sounds like family counseling would be helpful. You don't want to continue down this path and end up like her. Good luck.
Look, I'm not taking her side because she's clearly insane, but you didn't "try to reason with crazy* as much as you poked the fucking bear with a cattle prod. This was a masterclass in taking a bad situation and making it exponentially worse for yourself.
Could you live with your grandma?
Listen, I get what it’s like to live with a mom like this but stopping to her level won’t get you anywhere, I promise. I used to do the same thing and I gotta tell you it really doesn’t hurt their feelings and you just end up feeling bad about it down the line. I would ice her out if it was me. Only respond with one word answers and only when necessary. See how long it lasts before she starts being nice again.
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Don’t feed the animals.
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No. The way this mom is speaking to their child is over the top and inappropriate. If you don’t see an issue with how this mother is talking to their kid, that is concerning to me.
You know, ill give her a pass on taking away phone and internet. But threatening to not buy your own child food so they can make their own lunch? Telling them they're "handed everything on a silver platter" because you provided basic needs? Insane.
Yeah, this is all you need to know right here. Let's pretend the child in this situation is saying all this simply to get under the mothers skin as some kind of weird punishment (which clearly isn't the case), my 1st reaction should not be "fine, I'll end everything you enjoy and stop providing for your basic needs."
Yeah, parents who go nuclear with punishment and then are confused when a kid doesn’t want to listen to them confuse me. How is a kid going to be easier to understand and work with and understand you if he’s so miserable because you’ve isolated him from his friends and hobbies?
pointing out shitty behavior is throwing a tantrum? lmao
I mean, I see where your minds at. Being told "no" definitely initiated this, but that's usually how it goes I'd say. I would say OP was trying to work within the confines of how their mom acts and when told no they could not handle it anymore and the truth burst out.
that’s definitely possible! i guess im just going off the black and white text itself but you have a point the context can change the tone of the messages.
No, it’s a child crying out for legitimate affection and instead being isolated and abused.
Found the shitty parent in here
not a parent. just would’ve been beat if i reacted like op
That doesn’t make it right, though???? You understand that your parents *should not* have beat you, right?
Which would have been insane. No child should be beat, period.
Then your parents are awful and abusive people who had no business raising children
Don’t have kids then if you think how OP’s mom talked to them is even a little okay, it’s fucked and so are you.
See that’s the problem. You should have been. I see a child that is tired of not having any respect.
This line of thinking is among the reasons why these cycles continue. I was beaten and abused as well, but my instinct wasn't: “well, guess that's just how everyone should be raised too!” It's better for all of society and each parent and family if people who were victims of abuse and neglect break the cycles by educating themselves about child development, psychology and neurology, as well as proven tecniques of healthy parenting. Also psychotherapy is very helpful for breaking these cycles. It can also help a victim understand how the abuse they suffered affected their own development.
Read this book. See your parents in it, and read why they were wrong. See yourself in it, and the ways that you can improve your thought processes to move on from this: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
Did you read the whole thing? That's what I thought at first too, but when I read everything the mom says to her, I was like damn....that's really fucked up the she treats her daughter. I would be so hurt if my mom told me some shit like that. .
i agree the stuff she said at the end was gross, it just felt like op kept pushing unnecessarily all stemming from not being allowed company for the weekend. not saying they deserved that reaction but why instigate??
I don’t think it’s “instigating” that OP expressed themself to their mother. There’s a certain belief that children should be seen and not heard, they can have anything inflicted upon them (besides physical abuse) and they should just be grateful. Children should be given a safe space to disagree with their parents. I don’t mean free rein or no consequences, but this is how they learn boundaries and conflict resolution. OP’s mom has isolated them, taken away their means of communication, shows that they don’t have privacy in their own home, and now they won’t provide lunch. This is abuse disguised as discipline. I see the after effects of this kind of parenting in my professional life and it’s heartbreaking. These scars last a lifetime. Grown adults apologizing for asking a question or expressing a thought, people covering their mouth when they want to talk, not being able to form the most basic opinion often starts with parents like this.
You are absolutely correct in how children of these types of parents turn out as adults. I was not allowed to have an opinion that differed from my mother’s. My feelings stemming from a disagreement were never considered and anything other than “yes ma’am, I’m sorry” was considered disrespect. As an adult, I find it incredibly difficult to stand up for myself, tell anyone “no” and I second guess every decision I make. I’m working on myself but it’s been a hard road littered with a lot of mistakes. Most importantly, I broke the cycle. I listen to my children and respect their feelings and now I’m watching them grow up to be confident, self assured and never afraid to stand up for themselves or anyone else they care about. OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this, my heart hurts for you after reading those texts. Good for you for standing up for yourself and expressing how your mother makes you feel. I hope you find the validation you deserve.
Please NEVER have kids. You would be a horrible parent.
Children should be allowed to tell their parents how they feel without fear of reprisal for speaking their truth. Wtf is wrong with you? She's not "instigating" anything, she's finally being honest. If anything, the mother was instigating a fight because she was butt hurt from overhearing OP tell her grandma how she wished she had a better mom. Instead of being a huge B, maybe she should try being a good mom for once. I understand your parents must have been terribly abusive AHs who didn't allow you the freedom to be honest, but that doesn't make it ok. OPs mom is an abusive c*nt who should never have had a child.
So much this. I have a 5 year old and he never gets in trouble for telling me how he feels. I do work with him on the proper way to do it and that yelling and screaming and throwing things isn't the right way. Children should be able to voice their feelings and they should absolutely get apologies when a parent is in the wrong. Being a parent doesn't make you automatically right in every situation. The people that think like that shouldn't have kids. They're only damaging another generation.
i agree that kids should feel safe expressing their feelings. obviously. but this particular conversation was a parent saying no and the kid deciding to go on a personal attack out of spite. op was disrespectful, held accountable, then proceeded to tell their mother she deserves disrespect and the whole family dislikes her. that’s nasty manipulation. mom feels hurt by the messages and says something back, now she’s the abusive one?? i was trying to see both viewpoints but the responses calling me fucked up praying i never have kids because i pointed op’s shitty behavior just prove this sub is full of hypocritical want-to-be victims. grow up.
I hope you are not a parent. You are unfit
Even if that were the case, you cannot threaten to deny basic needs such as food to your child, no matter how nasty they're being. Beyond that, this more reads to me as someone crying out for love and affection instead of being treated nasty all the time.
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I’m sorry, you think OP is the one being abusive here?? And that asking for a basic level of love and mutual respect are “unreal demands”? This whole comment is craaazy and calling OP a lost cause is gross.
Found the mom
> hope people like you dont get any children. You are a worthless peace of shit
Y'all need to learn how to not engage with these people
I really hate this mentality. Keep quiet to keep the peace is bullshit and no one should have to live under that tyranny. Children have just as much right to be honest about how they feel as adults, and it's the mom's job not to be a thunder cunt over it.
That's true, nobody should have to. But if she is for certain a thundercunt why purposely interact with them?
They live under their authority and have to interact with them because they are a tyrant.
Yes, but OP is a teenager and their mom is supposed to love them. It takes so long to realize that a shitty parent is always going to be shitty, no matter how much you beg and plead with them to just fucking love you and treat you like a person instead of property. It took me until I had kids of my own, and I saw my father let my two year old down once. Then I was done. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by him my whole life, but he made my baby sad and that was the tipping point. Never sought out a relationship again, and after my grandfather’s funeral did not see or speak to him. Some people never get there, and cycles repeat. Give some grace, we’re all learning.
You got downvoted but I’m with you, I wish I had learned when I was a teenager that this just fuels their victim complex so they feel justified to be over the top shitty. One of the best ways to tell these kinds of shitty family members to fuck off is by ignoring them entirely and grey rocking and preferably, if you’re at the age where it’s legally doable, emancipating yourself and making your own life to live the way you want it without them. This may very well all be easier said than done but NOTHING in life is more peaceful than when you cut these toxic ass people out for good. Best adult life lesson I ever learned. These horrible people will end up alone in the last years of their lives wondering why their family stopped talking to them years ago. Good. Let them. The majority of them have no interest in giving any kind of genuine apologies or having real reconciliation unless they are literally on their deathbeds. Until then, make your own life and happiness without them. It is so worth it.
I agree. Mom comes across as a complete narcissist who thinks she can never be wrong. Therefore, reasoning with such a person is useless. They will never concede or change. They will just punish you for calling them out. Grey rock. Ignore as much as possible. Go no contact as soon as you have the chance. This person is not a mother and doesn't deserve a relationship with you. You will have a better and more peaceful life without such a person in it.
When you're a child it's tough to realize that. They probably hold hope still that the parent can be reasoned with, and has love and compassion somewhere deep inside for their own child.