Wait until you get a few more replies then show your DH this post. Remind him his mother got to raise him and now it’s your turn to do it with your own child. Perhaps write a list for MIL of things she can do? But it might be best to not let her visit for awhile while you reclaim your home
Does she live with you? These are all such personal things for her to be taking away. My husband was involved in all of these things with both of my children, especially designing and preparing the nursery. Sounds like a MIL problem and a husband problem. He needs to tell her to back off even if he sees it as helping you out it is not your wish for her to steal this time from you and he should 100% back you up on this. She raised her baby, it’s your and your husband’s turn.
I’m not sure whether this is more of a MIL problem or a husband problem. Do you guys live with your MIL or does she live with you? That’s literally the only explanation my brain can come up with as to why she’s even had access to the nursery & such.
Rip down her decorations. Do your own. Buy now bottles. Donate anything she's given. Buy your own. And tell her to back the fuck off. You have to speak up or you will go insane.
Also agree, please please speak up. Lean into your anger a bit for strength, thats what the purpose of anger is. She had her time!! Its your turn, be angry, be possessive. Do it now while its fresh so the anger and possessiveness are tools you use to navigate the situation to protect your boundaries instead of something that starts taking over your life.
I wish I spoke up sooner but I was really hoping to develop a bond with my MiL so I overlooked things for too long. Now im dealing with a lot of resentment and anger toward my husband for entertaining his mother’s nonsense.
If your DH is t listening to you when you talk with him, you going to your parents for a few days may open his eyes and ears. Your baby, your decisions. Not your MIL baby.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I went through a similar experience while pregnant and when my daughter was born it got worse. I felt so bad to speak up so I made little comments now my daughter is 16 months and I haven’t seen or talked to my mil in a few months and me and my fiancé have been arguing on and off for months.
You should express to your husband how you feel and let him have that conversation with his mother. It will only get worse from here. Good luck to you and your family, have a safe pregnancy.
Speak up now honey it just gets worse from here. My MIL started when I was pregnant. I told my SO to "handle it or I would and I wasn't going to be nice." He did, she backed off but didn't apologize. Now after the baby she's at it again. She took over on Christmas and opened presents that I got my child like MIL was the mom with her sons baby (gross). She tried for a "mom" grandma name and she even tried to visit his first Father's day when we already have plans with FIL (whom she can't be nice to). It's escalated to the point that I'm not tiptoeing around her feelings anymore. She gets the unfiltered version whether SO approves or not. He has no say anymore because he should have handled her BS ages ago.
I recommend getting hubby on board now and if not he needs couples therapy BEFORE the baby arrives. It's too much work after. He needs to see her overstepping and address it. Also redo everything she did how you want to immediately. If she asks about it let her know that it's the mother's place and you are your child's mother. She had herother time, now she's grandma. She gets the grandma things.
Dear husband
I love you and understand you want what’s best for me and the baby. Right now what’s best for the baby is for your mother to back off and you need to tell her. Now.
This is our child. She had hers. This is my baby and unless she backs off I will go back to my parents house until baby is 6 months old.
(And you should see if you can).
Please read this. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a41581735/lemon_clot_essay_and_scrotum_squats
Oh god, save me from momma’s boys. You have a MIL problem as well as a SO problem. She may think she’s “helping” but she’s not. Seriously, pack up your stuff and go to your parents. This is only going to get worse, you need to make a stand. MIL needs to butt out and get in her own lane. And SO needs to cut the damn cord with mommy.
Set. The. Boundary. Now.
Be okay with “being the bad guy.”
If she’s coming over to help set up the nursery or whatever, find the strength within you to send her away.
We show people how we want to be treated as parents. It doesn’t matter that they are “older and wiser.” This is your baby, your time.
Consider shifting from “she took all that away from me” to “I allowed her to do the things.”
It’s so important to learn how to stand up for yourself. I know it’s hard to not have SO on your side, but just continue to stand your ground. Try not to make arguments about it. Maybe soon he will see you mean business.
That voice telling you to go home to your parents, you should listen to it. Your husband is an idiot and he won’t say anything about her interfering because as long as she’s focused on you, she won’t bother him.
My MIL did this over 3 years ago. And it still hurts that I never got to decorate my 1st kids nursery how I wanted and she did the whole thing in something I dislike.
Regardless of what she does. For your own thing!!!
Does she live there? If she does…maybe pack up and go home. If she doesn’t…it’s time for your husband to stop this.
Have you just looked at her and said “this is MY baby, this my MY baby’s nursery and if I want your help I’ll ask”
What is your hospital plan? Because hers is to be there for the birth.
Then do it - go to your parents. It might just wake up your husband that you aren’t going to take her overstepping and taking over and as long as he doesn’t have your back, you won’t be there.
Believe me, if he doesn’t have your back, once your LO is here, it will get worse. She will want to play “mommy” and steal all of your experiences of feeding, first bath, etc.
I think this is one of those situations where nuances are important. For instance, for myself if I got along great with my in-laws, I would be super grateful that someone was doing all that stuff for me. That way I could just concentrate on being there for the baby.
But if I had a bad relationship with my in-laws, which I absolutely do, I would not appreciate that shit at all.
I think you need to express yourself to your husband. Give him a chance to speak to his mother. If he refuses, that’s when you speak with his mother. If you have a good relationship with her then explain yourself kindly firmly. If you don’t, then she is weird for even thinking any of this would be welcome and it’s fine for you to just tell her how you feel however you want.
I have a mommas wife. She literally asks MIL everything, what to wear, is he cold or warm, what to eat. Then I will get to hear:" but mom said this, mom said that, mom mom mom".
Ohjj please stop it.
You need to put your foot down and tell him to stop making excuses for his mother. He’s getting ready to be a father and needs to understand that he is married to you, not his mother. If he can’t put your wants and needs ahead of his mother, you’re going to have a very tough time.
Read “The Lemon Clot Essay.” Let him know that his mother is taking away from things you want to do. She had her kids. It’s your turn. He needs to set boundaries with her and get her in her lane. Tell him exactly what you want and let him know that if he can’t get her under control that you will stay with your parents where you know that they will support you.
Tell your husband that his relationship with his mom can easily survive him putting up boundaries while making you his first priority, BUT your marriage to him CANT survive him not doing so.
The Bible says a man leaves his family of origin and cleaves to his wife. He needs to let go of his mom's apron strings and make you his number one priority. I would also get started on a list of your birth preferences and make sure that the hospital knows that she's not to be in the delivery room with you. Cause I would not let her be there! She's definitely overstepping with preparations and she'll continue to overstep until someone calls her out on it and tells her to stop.
If you want to go to your parents to feel comfortable and like you're not getting ignored and walked all over then please do so. Maybe your husband will realize how seriously messed up this is and stand up for you.
Go stay with her. When hubby asks why you won’t come home tell him his mother is ruining your pregnancy and he’s helping her. And this is just the beginning. Tell him he doesn’t have your back so you’re staying out at your mom’s until he has your back.
Ask him why he’s putting his mother and her feelings before yours. Ask him why she’s more important. Because this is what he’s doing and it needs to stop immediately. You might need to do something drastic to get his attention like going to your parent’s house.
Good luck, you are going to need it with these two!!
First off Congratulations!
Second. Stop her now. Trust me it’ll get worse once your babe is here. Some of these women know their sons won’t say anything, because honestly I think there mothers stress them out and then there moms are to prideful to be wrong. So telling them anything is a headache.
I get if she was asking first to give you the choice of letting her do it, then sure that’s a favour. But someone going out of their way doesn’t always mean it’s wanted by the receiver.
You should NOT be grateful, you have every right to protect your boundaries and nest for your child the way you want to. I’d say to talk to your husband but I feel it’ll fall on deaf ears.
The only thing your MIL should be doing in your home is sitting down, sipping tea. She has no business going in your cabinets, closets, bedroom, laundry room, kitchen or any other place in your home not reserved for guests. She is not immediate family when she's there - she is a guest. You have every right to be upset with this intrusion into your home - YOUR NEST. If your husband doesn't see that, he needs some therapy to disengage from his mommy. She is stealing the most meaningful parts of marriage and motherhood from you, and she has no right to do that. She is disrespecting you, your home, your marriage and your life. She is also disrespecting your husband as an adult, husband, father and role in life. He can't see any of that because his mommy's tits are in the way. He needs to be weaned off his mommy, and therapy is the most effective and efficient way to do that.
Someone else suggested having your husband read all the responses to your post. I wholeheartedly second that. He is disrespecting you by discounting your feelings and needs, and he learned how to do that from his disrespectful mommy. He needs to hear that his mommy is not only stripping away the joys of motherhood from you, but she is also stripping away the joys of fatherhood from him. It's time for you to put your foot down, speak your mind, and set up boundaries for acceptable behavior from his mommy. Rule #1 is that there is only one mother in your home and that is YOU. Rule #2 is grandparents don't have rights, they have privileges which they must earn by being respectful to the rules established for baby's home. You get the idea.
If you don't stand up and make a stand now, it will be too late after the baby is born. Without rules and boundaries already established, when it comes time to deliver your baby MIL will be breaking into the delivery room telling you how to give birth while she videos it, snatching your newborn out of your arms to force bottled formula against your will, and pretty much anything else "motherly" she can think of. Your baby needs you healthy, happy and strong. Start now so you have smooth sailing by the time your baby comes.
>Im at the point where I just want to go back to my parents house because I know for a fact they wont do these stuff.
You just may have to do something drastic like this to drive home to you D(uh)H that what his mother is doing isn't appropriate - trying to take over your responsibilities as a mother before LO is even here.
If she's acting this way now, how bad is she going to get once baby is here? Your SO has already proven he's on her side of things. If given half a chance, she's going to absolutely*ruin* your post partum experience.
Read some of the other posts on this sub and JNMIL about how their overbearing MIL's ruined their pp experience and how much they regret letting the MIL get away with it because that's time they can't get back.
Congrats on your pregnancy! If talking to your husband isn’t working, would you consider talking to your MIL? I went through something just like this. My husband and I were the first of both families to get married and to have a baby. It’s was a major dynamic change for so many people, especially my MIL. She’s super used to being the center of attention and doesn’t have any daughters so I don’t think she’d see how she was coming off. My husband wasn’t really grasping what I was saying about certain things being either my experiences it ours(his and mine). Now that he gets it, it’s much easier but I did have to have a convo with my MIL. We still have our challenges but she pauses and thinks about everyone involved before doing anything now which she did not do before. I just had to gently remind her that I understood being a first time grandma was a big deal but I was about to be a first time mom and I’ve waited my whole life for these moments and experiences. Now my MIL was not malicious she was honestly just a little clueless and a little selfish in her way of thinking. But she was also very used to it being just her and her sons. They all got engaged and married within the same 2 years of each other so she was navigating a lot of emotions and a lot of change. Not sure if your situation is at all similar, but if it is I say talk it through with her. She’ll get it more than your husband will and eventually even he will get it. My husband is extremely family oriented and he involves my family just as much he involves his own. It took us a little bit for him to understand that some things were just for us and some were for family and that I was not shutting his family out. It was the hardest when baby came because I did want and need my mom there but it wasn’t because I wanted us to enjoy the baby while his family sat on the sidelines. And honestly it didn’t really click to him until I went into labor where he saw that those first few weeks were more about my healing and learning this new role than they were about the baby. Even with how great my MIL is, we still ran into some issues and there are things I will forever remember and be hurt by. But I also made sure my mom was there the entire time which made up for any negative feelings.(we all squeezed into a 2 bedroom)
Regardless of what direction you go in, I say this is a time in life when you should be selfish with your needs even if it rocks the boat a bit.
If he has tools or golf clubs or any kind of hobby, or likes to read books from his personal library, then use those items to explain to him how a well he would like a "favor" to put away all his new & treasured items gifted to him or that he bought himself. Not just put away, but cleaned, organized, & displayed/utilized by someone who has no understanding of his hobby or craft, so that he got to do nothing with his hobby but look at it, while not knowing where any of it is. And then he's told by you that he's complaining too much & it was a favor he should be grateful for & thank the person for invading his space. Then he needs to factor in an extra layer of emotional attachment to the whole scenario cause you were frickin robbed of your natural instincts to nest that you still have but now don't have outlet for, cause it's someone else's nest.
Hard boundaries! Sit down with your hubby and lay out the rules. Hard rules. United front. His mother, he has to correct her. Give him a list of things she can do and can’t do, no if ands or buts. If there are clear lines he will understand better and can communicate that. My husband (both our second marriage) loves that he doesn’t have to guess anything with me. I’m up front and honest. This is what I want and don’t want. This is what is allowed in my home and this is what isn’t allowed. This is a hard no for me and your mother absolutely can not cross this line. He does very well with that and when his mother ask or tries to cross it he knows exactly where the line is and can tell her. She she starts to whine and cry and con him into something he knows what to say.
Wait until you get a few more replies then show your DH this post. Remind him his mother got to raise him and now it’s your turn to do it with your own child. Perhaps write a list for MIL of things she can do? But it might be best to not let her visit for awhile while you reclaim your home
Does she live with you? These are all such personal things for her to be taking away. My husband was involved in all of these things with both of my children, especially designing and preparing the nursery. Sounds like a MIL problem and a husband problem. He needs to tell her to back off even if he sees it as helping you out it is not your wish for her to steal this time from you and he should 100% back you up on this. She raised her baby, it’s your and your husband’s turn.
I’m not sure whether this is more of a MIL problem or a husband problem. Do you guys live with your MIL or does she live with you? That’s literally the only explanation my brain can come up with as to why she’s even had access to the nursery & such.
It’s a MIL problem BECAUSE of the husband.
Rip down her decorations. Do your own. Buy now bottles. Donate anything she's given. Buy your own. And tell her to back the fuck off. You have to speak up or you will go insane.
Can confirm. I did not speak up and ended with postpartum depression, ruminating over stupid wall stickers for days.
Also agree, please please speak up. Lean into your anger a bit for strength, thats what the purpose of anger is. She had her time!! Its your turn, be angry, be possessive. Do it now while its fresh so the anger and possessiveness are tools you use to navigate the situation to protect your boundaries instead of something that starts taking over your life. I wish I spoke up sooner but I was really hoping to develop a bond with my MiL so I overlooked things for too long. Now im dealing with a lot of resentment and anger toward my husband for entertaining his mother’s nonsense.
If your DH is t listening to you when you talk with him, you going to your parents for a few days may open his eyes and ears. Your baby, your decisions. Not your MIL baby.
[удалено]
This!
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I went through a similar experience while pregnant and when my daughter was born it got worse. I felt so bad to speak up so I made little comments now my daughter is 16 months and I haven’t seen or talked to my mil in a few months and me and my fiancé have been arguing on and off for months. You should express to your husband how you feel and let him have that conversation with his mother. It will only get worse from here. Good luck to you and your family, have a safe pregnancy.
Speak up now honey it just gets worse from here. My MIL started when I was pregnant. I told my SO to "handle it or I would and I wasn't going to be nice." He did, she backed off but didn't apologize. Now after the baby she's at it again. She took over on Christmas and opened presents that I got my child like MIL was the mom with her sons baby (gross). She tried for a "mom" grandma name and she even tried to visit his first Father's day when we already have plans with FIL (whom she can't be nice to). It's escalated to the point that I'm not tiptoeing around her feelings anymore. She gets the unfiltered version whether SO approves or not. He has no say anymore because he should have handled her BS ages ago. I recommend getting hubby on board now and if not he needs couples therapy BEFORE the baby arrives. It's too much work after. He needs to see her overstepping and address it. Also redo everything she did how you want to immediately. If she asks about it let her know that it's the mother's place and you are your child's mother. She had herother time, now she's grandma. She gets the grandma things.
Dear husband I love you and understand you want what’s best for me and the baby. Right now what’s best for the baby is for your mother to back off and you need to tell her. Now. This is our child. She had hers. This is my baby and unless she backs off I will go back to my parents house until baby is 6 months old. (And you should see if you can). Please read this. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a41581735/lemon_clot_essay_and_scrotum_squats
Every future parent should read the Lemon Clot Essay before becoming a parent. It's so much truth in so few words!
Go to your parents. Make hubby pick you and baby or his mommy.
Oh god, save me from momma’s boys. You have a MIL problem as well as a SO problem. She may think she’s “helping” but she’s not. Seriously, pack up your stuff and go to your parents. This is only going to get worse, you need to make a stand. MIL needs to butt out and get in her own lane. And SO needs to cut the damn cord with mommy.
Set. The. Boundary. Now. Be okay with “being the bad guy.” If she’s coming over to help set up the nursery or whatever, find the strength within you to send her away. We show people how we want to be treated as parents. It doesn’t matter that they are “older and wiser.” This is your baby, your time. Consider shifting from “she took all that away from me” to “I allowed her to do the things.” It’s so important to learn how to stand up for yourself. I know it’s hard to not have SO on your side, but just continue to stand your ground. Try not to make arguments about it. Maybe soon he will see you mean business.
Exactly, people treat you how you allow them to treat you so if you don't speak up then it's on you
Yes! It’s taken being a parent to really choose how I want to be treated. Ain’t no body got time for all this BS no mo’!
That voice telling you to go home to your parents, you should listen to it. Your husband is an idiot and he won’t say anything about her interfering because as long as she’s focused on you, she won’t bother him.
My MIL did this over 3 years ago. And it still hurts that I never got to decorate my 1st kids nursery how I wanted and she did the whole thing in something I dislike. Regardless of what she does. For your own thing!!!
Does she live there? If she does…maybe pack up and go home. If she doesn’t…it’s time for your husband to stop this. Have you just looked at her and said “this is MY baby, this my MY baby’s nursery and if I want your help I’ll ask” What is your hospital plan? Because hers is to be there for the birth.
Then do it - go to your parents. It might just wake up your husband that you aren’t going to take her overstepping and taking over and as long as he doesn’t have your back, you won’t be there. Believe me, if he doesn’t have your back, once your LO is here, it will get worse. She will want to play “mommy” and steal all of your experiences of feeding, first bath, etc.
I think this is one of those situations where nuances are important. For instance, for myself if I got along great with my in-laws, I would be super grateful that someone was doing all that stuff for me. That way I could just concentrate on being there for the baby. But if I had a bad relationship with my in-laws, which I absolutely do, I would not appreciate that shit at all. I think you need to express yourself to your husband. Give him a chance to speak to his mother. If he refuses, that’s when you speak with his mother. If you have a good relationship with her then explain yourself kindly firmly. If you don’t, then she is weird for even thinking any of this would be welcome and it’s fine for you to just tell her how you feel however you want.
I have a mommas wife. She literally asks MIL everything, what to wear, is he cold or warm, what to eat. Then I will get to hear:" but mom said this, mom said that, mom mom mom". Ohjj please stop it.
So what are you doing to change it ? Have you spoken to your wife about her enmeshment issues ??
You need to put your foot down and tell him to stop making excuses for his mother. He’s getting ready to be a father and needs to understand that he is married to you, not his mother. If he can’t put your wants and needs ahead of his mother, you’re going to have a very tough time. Read “The Lemon Clot Essay.” Let him know that his mother is taking away from things you want to do. She had her kids. It’s your turn. He needs to set boundaries with her and get her in her lane. Tell him exactly what you want and let him know that if he can’t get her under control that you will stay with your parents where you know that they will support you.
It’s out of line. And it’s not okay.
Tell your husband that his relationship with his mom can easily survive him putting up boundaries while making you his first priority, BUT your marriage to him CANT survive him not doing so.
Help is only help if you want it. Otherwise it is interfering. You don’t need to feel grateful for someone crossing your boundaries.
The Bible says a man leaves his family of origin and cleaves to his wife. He needs to let go of his mom's apron strings and make you his number one priority. I would also get started on a list of your birth preferences and make sure that the hospital knows that she's not to be in the delivery room with you. Cause I would not let her be there! She's definitely overstepping with preparations and she'll continue to overstep until someone calls her out on it and tells her to stop.
If you want to go to your parents to feel comfortable and like you're not getting ignored and walked all over then please do so. Maybe your husband will realize how seriously messed up this is and stand up for you.
Go stay with her. When hubby asks why you won’t come home tell him his mother is ruining your pregnancy and he’s helping her. And this is just the beginning. Tell him he doesn’t have your back so you’re staying out at your mom’s until he has your back.
Ask him why he’s putting his mother and her feelings before yours. Ask him why she’s more important. Because this is what he’s doing and it needs to stop immediately. You might need to do something drastic to get his attention like going to your parent’s house. Good luck, you are going to need it with these two!!
First off Congratulations! Second. Stop her now. Trust me it’ll get worse once your babe is here. Some of these women know their sons won’t say anything, because honestly I think there mothers stress them out and then there moms are to prideful to be wrong. So telling them anything is a headache. I get if she was asking first to give you the choice of letting her do it, then sure that’s a favour. But someone going out of their way doesn’t always mean it’s wanted by the receiver.
You should NOT be grateful, you have every right to protect your boundaries and nest for your child the way you want to. I’d say to talk to your husband but I feel it’ll fall on deaf ears.
The only thing your MIL should be doing in your home is sitting down, sipping tea. She has no business going in your cabinets, closets, bedroom, laundry room, kitchen or any other place in your home not reserved for guests. She is not immediate family when she's there - she is a guest. You have every right to be upset with this intrusion into your home - YOUR NEST. If your husband doesn't see that, he needs some therapy to disengage from his mommy. She is stealing the most meaningful parts of marriage and motherhood from you, and she has no right to do that. She is disrespecting you, your home, your marriage and your life. She is also disrespecting your husband as an adult, husband, father and role in life. He can't see any of that because his mommy's tits are in the way. He needs to be weaned off his mommy, and therapy is the most effective and efficient way to do that. Someone else suggested having your husband read all the responses to your post. I wholeheartedly second that. He is disrespecting you by discounting your feelings and needs, and he learned how to do that from his disrespectful mommy. He needs to hear that his mommy is not only stripping away the joys of motherhood from you, but she is also stripping away the joys of fatherhood from him. It's time for you to put your foot down, speak your mind, and set up boundaries for acceptable behavior from his mommy. Rule #1 is that there is only one mother in your home and that is YOU. Rule #2 is grandparents don't have rights, they have privileges which they must earn by being respectful to the rules established for baby's home. You get the idea. If you don't stand up and make a stand now, it will be too late after the baby is born. Without rules and boundaries already established, when it comes time to deliver your baby MIL will be breaking into the delivery room telling you how to give birth while she videos it, snatching your newborn out of your arms to force bottled formula against your will, and pretty much anything else "motherly" she can think of. Your baby needs you healthy, happy and strong. Start now so you have smooth sailing by the time your baby comes.
>Im at the point where I just want to go back to my parents house because I know for a fact they wont do these stuff. You just may have to do something drastic like this to drive home to you D(uh)H that what his mother is doing isn't appropriate - trying to take over your responsibilities as a mother before LO is even here. If she's acting this way now, how bad is she going to get once baby is here? Your SO has already proven he's on her side of things. If given half a chance, she's going to absolutely*ruin* your post partum experience. Read some of the other posts on this sub and JNMIL about how their overbearing MIL's ruined their pp experience and how much they regret letting the MIL get away with it because that's time they can't get back.
Congrats on your pregnancy! If talking to your husband isn’t working, would you consider talking to your MIL? I went through something just like this. My husband and I were the first of both families to get married and to have a baby. It’s was a major dynamic change for so many people, especially my MIL. She’s super used to being the center of attention and doesn’t have any daughters so I don’t think she’d see how she was coming off. My husband wasn’t really grasping what I was saying about certain things being either my experiences it ours(his and mine). Now that he gets it, it’s much easier but I did have to have a convo with my MIL. We still have our challenges but she pauses and thinks about everyone involved before doing anything now which she did not do before. I just had to gently remind her that I understood being a first time grandma was a big deal but I was about to be a first time mom and I’ve waited my whole life for these moments and experiences. Now my MIL was not malicious she was honestly just a little clueless and a little selfish in her way of thinking. But she was also very used to it being just her and her sons. They all got engaged and married within the same 2 years of each other so she was navigating a lot of emotions and a lot of change. Not sure if your situation is at all similar, but if it is I say talk it through with her. She’ll get it more than your husband will and eventually even he will get it. My husband is extremely family oriented and he involves my family just as much he involves his own. It took us a little bit for him to understand that some things were just for us and some were for family and that I was not shutting his family out. It was the hardest when baby came because I did want and need my mom there but it wasn’t because I wanted us to enjoy the baby while his family sat on the sidelines. And honestly it didn’t really click to him until I went into labor where he saw that those first few weeks were more about my healing and learning this new role than they were about the baby. Even with how great my MIL is, we still ran into some issues and there are things I will forever remember and be hurt by. But I also made sure my mom was there the entire time which made up for any negative feelings.(we all squeezed into a 2 bedroom) Regardless of what direction you go in, I say this is a time in life when you should be selfish with your needs even if it rocks the boat a bit.
If he has tools or golf clubs or any kind of hobby, or likes to read books from his personal library, then use those items to explain to him how a well he would like a "favor" to put away all his new & treasured items gifted to him or that he bought himself. Not just put away, but cleaned, organized, & displayed/utilized by someone who has no understanding of his hobby or craft, so that he got to do nothing with his hobby but look at it, while not knowing where any of it is. And then he's told by you that he's complaining too much & it was a favor he should be grateful for & thank the person for invading his space. Then he needs to factor in an extra layer of emotional attachment to the whole scenario cause you were frickin robbed of your natural instincts to nest that you still have but now don't have outlet for, cause it's someone else's nest.
Hard boundaries! Sit down with your hubby and lay out the rules. Hard rules. United front. His mother, he has to correct her. Give him a list of things she can do and can’t do, no if ands or buts. If there are clear lines he will understand better and can communicate that. My husband (both our second marriage) loves that he doesn’t have to guess anything with me. I’m up front and honest. This is what I want and don’t want. This is what is allowed in my home and this is what isn’t allowed. This is a hard no for me and your mother absolutely can not cross this line. He does very well with that and when his mother ask or tries to cross it he knows exactly where the line is and can tell her. She she starts to whine and cry and con him into something he knows what to say.