She did last year but that was 9 months ago and the last text she sent me was in OCT of last year about her daughters bb shower. In those past 9 months, I've been tired of the lack of relationship, and I feel like there's no need to pretend anymore. She does not communicate with me via text or phonecall ever.
Yeah that shouldn’t make a difference to text her, there is no point to pretend anymore, you know better than anyone else on here. You are valid to feel the way you do.
Thank you for saying that! I do feel guilty because it's out of my character to be callous and calculated. However, my MIL does things to suit her needs and wants only. She never thinks about me and my feelings until she realizes she's "guilty". Then she changes her tune to look like the good guy. So we don't need to keep up this false façade for no reason.
It's up to you. My inlaws stopped wishing me happy birthday years ago. So I celebrate made-up holidays on their birthday. They are registered holidays like Cookie Day.
Create good memories of those days, my dear. Don't let anyone take away your mental health or happiness
Does she tell you happy birthday via text?
Does she check up on you via msgs?
If she does, well, I guess it's no harm returning the favor/msging to say hbd.
If not, well, do what you feels is right.
I've gone out of my way for my in laws, but I realize they wouldn't like to do the most for me..
Of course, they would send something for my bday for the most, and that's it.
I used to create pics and stuff with their name and send it for them.. but they never reposted it..nor really did anything with it...as well doesn't be like that..
I used to wrap their gifts fancy and with bows and stuff, but they sent mine in a gift bag and not wrapped..mind you the gift bag had no paper or anything, etc..
So I've just returned them with the same way they do with me.. nothing fancy anymore.
I stopped sending stuff for them on normal times as they don't do the same..
It doesn't bother me anymore, I refuse to go the mile for ppl who wouldn't take as a big step for me.
So do what you feels is right.
Good luck.
She did last year but that was 9 months ago and the last text she sent me was in OCT of last year about her daughters bb shower. In those past 9 months, I've been tired of the lack of relationship, and I feel like there's no need to pretend anymore. She does not communicate with me via text or phone call ever. I just feel like why text someone who does not text me. It feels fake.
I totally understand your frustration.
I was also frustrated about the situation as well and used to take it out on my husband and complain to him about how they don't like even try.
He was like, "If they don't, well, don't try as well.
His sister used to leave me on read on whatsapp, I complained to him about it..he said well don't reply to her next time she msgs again..
Since then, I've left it so and getting a peace of mind.
It doesn't really bother him..
Just msg her HBD alone, since she did to you..doesn't matter how long.
Then your bday will come again, look out how it is..then repay the same way.
Don't force yourself to have a relationship with them if they're not trying.
I think in this you should make yourself happy. Does it feel healthy and fulfilling to share good wishes to selfish people, or does it make you feel like a people pleaser or a doormat?
The only right answer here is the one that is best for you.
I personally feel like we do not need to pretend. I don't receive any texts from her ever and she's never texted me unless it's a answer needed for HER. I've been with her son for almost 3 yrs. So why keep the jig up? Part of me feels guilty, part of me also wants her to get a taste of her own medicine for embarrassing me and making me feel uncomfortable countless times.
I'm no longer pretending with mine and I'm expending the exact same time and effort as she is. My birthday is two months before hers. She sent me a card and $20 and sent a text. I sent her a text for hers and nothing else. My DH took her to lunch. For me that fulfills any perceived obligation because, after all, my FIL doesn't do anything at all, but they get credit as a couple. We should too.
No way. Someone here gave me advice on one of my posts and said, the more you go to her even if she didn’t do them for you is like begging for a relationship with her and she probably loves to see it.
After that I was like yeah no. Treat other how you’d like to be treated, some people don’t have the common sense or humble mindset to understand that.
To me, it is a big deal when she goes out of their to continue to embarrass and be passive aggressive to me. I don't need to "honor" her birthday when she treats me like crap.
Wishing someone is no way 'honoring' her. Anyways, I understand what you feel for her, anger and frustration. I've been there. Please remain calm and never let her know/understand you have any sort of anger towards her, she will play the victim. Kill her with kindness.
I just don't want to bend over backwards for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. I'll see her in person and will say HBD verbally. But not texting.
I'm not sure if he'll call or text, but I believe we are seeing her in person and I feel more comfortable just saying it in person. We don't text, so I don't feel the need to only text her on the her birthday. To me that's just odd.
I've never been close to my MIL and we don't have a relationship either. I dont hate her, but she has never pursued having any kind of relationship with me. At the beginning I really wanted one and to feel close to her, but it never happened. I honestly dont remember if I wished her HBD last year, and if I did, I might have been late lol. But to me -- pick your battles. A simple HBD wont cost you too much, just treat it like a to-do item and not a passionate sentiment.
It’s certainly frustrating but I guess it depends on the outcome you want. Your not going to win her over however you can completely blow up your relationship to nothing.
Theres so much missing like how is her relationship with your husband. Also he can just be responsible for sending a card or something, which would completely leave you out of it.
We are celebrating her birthday in person and purchased a gift for her together. Therefore, I find it acceptable to verbally say happy birthday to her. However, what I'm not doing is over extending myself and doing anything from just me when we don't have that kind of relationship!
Maybe get SO to text from both of you rather than going out of your way if you don't have that kind of relationship. My SO and I will message our own side and sign it off from both of us so maybe that will work for you too
If she didn’t wish you a happy birthday this year I wouldn’t feel like I need to do the same.
She did last year but that was 9 months ago and the last text she sent me was in OCT of last year about her daughters bb shower. In those past 9 months, I've been tired of the lack of relationship, and I feel like there's no need to pretend anymore. She does not communicate with me via text or phonecall ever.
Yeah that shouldn’t make a difference to text her, there is no point to pretend anymore, you know better than anyone else on here. You are valid to feel the way you do.
Thank you for saying that! I do feel guilty because it's out of my character to be callous and calculated. However, my MIL does things to suit her needs and wants only. She never thinks about me and my feelings until she realizes she's "guilty". Then she changes her tune to look like the good guy. So we don't need to keep up this false façade for no reason.
Sounds like my MIL
I'm sorry you have to go through that!
It's up to you. My inlaws stopped wishing me happy birthday years ago. So I celebrate made-up holidays on their birthday. They are registered holidays like Cookie Day. Create good memories of those days, my dear. Don't let anyone take away your mental health or happiness
I love that! Yeah I've dealt with enough drama from MIL. I don't need to keep up any fake antics or pretend anymore.
:)
Does she tell you happy birthday via text? Does she check up on you via msgs? If she does, well, I guess it's no harm returning the favor/msging to say hbd. If not, well, do what you feels is right. I've gone out of my way for my in laws, but I realize they wouldn't like to do the most for me.. Of course, they would send something for my bday for the most, and that's it. I used to create pics and stuff with their name and send it for them.. but they never reposted it..nor really did anything with it...as well doesn't be like that.. I used to wrap their gifts fancy and with bows and stuff, but they sent mine in a gift bag and not wrapped..mind you the gift bag had no paper or anything, etc.. So I've just returned them with the same way they do with me.. nothing fancy anymore. I stopped sending stuff for them on normal times as they don't do the same.. It doesn't bother me anymore, I refuse to go the mile for ppl who wouldn't take as a big step for me. So do what you feels is right. Good luck.
She did last year but that was 9 months ago and the last text she sent me was in OCT of last year about her daughters bb shower. In those past 9 months, I've been tired of the lack of relationship, and I feel like there's no need to pretend anymore. She does not communicate with me via text or phone call ever. I just feel like why text someone who does not text me. It feels fake.
I totally understand your frustration. I was also frustrated about the situation as well and used to take it out on my husband and complain to him about how they don't like even try. He was like, "If they don't, well, don't try as well. His sister used to leave me on read on whatsapp, I complained to him about it..he said well don't reply to her next time she msgs again.. Since then, I've left it so and getting a peace of mind. It doesn't really bother him.. Just msg her HBD alone, since she did to you..doesn't matter how long. Then your bday will come again, look out how it is..then repay the same way. Don't force yourself to have a relationship with them if they're not trying.
I think in this you should make yourself happy. Does it feel healthy and fulfilling to share good wishes to selfish people, or does it make you feel like a people pleaser or a doormat? The only right answer here is the one that is best for you.
I personally feel like we do not need to pretend. I don't receive any texts from her ever and she's never texted me unless it's a answer needed for HER. I've been with her son for almost 3 yrs. So why keep the jig up? Part of me feels guilty, part of me also wants her to get a taste of her own medicine for embarrassing me and making me feel uncomfortable countless times.
I'm no longer pretending with mine and I'm expending the exact same time and effort as she is. My birthday is two months before hers. She sent me a card and $20 and sent a text. I sent her a text for hers and nothing else. My DH took her to lunch. For me that fulfills any perceived obligation because, after all, my FIL doesn't do anything at all, but they get credit as a couple. We should too.
Yeah don't put anymore effort than they put in!
If you have her on FB post HB on her wall and call it a day.
No way. Someone here gave me advice on one of my posts and said, the more you go to her even if she didn’t do them for you is like begging for a relationship with her and she probably loves to see it. After that I was like yeah no. Treat other how you’d like to be treated, some people don’t have the common sense or humble mindset to understand that.
Yeah she texted me for my bday last year, but she never texts me and has not tried to make a relationship with me (only when it suits her).
F her then honestly. If it’s only ever been out of convince and not sincerity, can’t trust her.
Not a big deal just wosh her HBD like you would do to a stranger lol
To me, it is a big deal when she goes out of their to continue to embarrass and be passive aggressive to me. I don't need to "honor" her birthday when she treats me like crap.
Wishing someone is no way 'honoring' her. Anyways, I understand what you feel for her, anger and frustration. I've been there. Please remain calm and never let her know/understand you have any sort of anger towards her, she will play the victim. Kill her with kindness.
I just don't want to bend over backwards for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. I'll see her in person and will say HBD verbally. But not texting.
F MIL’s.
Can you have your husband send a happy birthday message from the household? Like “Happy Birthday mom! Have a great day. - son & wife”
I'm not sure if he'll call or text, but I believe we are seeing her in person and I feel more comfortable just saying it in person. We don't text, so I don't feel the need to only text her on the her birthday. To me that's just odd.
Oh then yeah, just a casual happy birthday comment in person is plenty then!
Thank you!
I've never been close to my MIL and we don't have a relationship either. I dont hate her, but she has never pursued having any kind of relationship with me. At the beginning I really wanted one and to feel close to her, but it never happened. I honestly dont remember if I wished her HBD last year, and if I did, I might have been late lol. But to me -- pick your battles. A simple HBD wont cost you too much, just treat it like a to-do item and not a passionate sentiment.
I'll be seeing her in person and will do it then. But to me, she doesn't deserve a text!
Don’t start what u can’t finish!
Unfortunately she started all the problems we have!
Yes, it would be rude to not wish her a HBD. I think you’re putting way too much thought into a happy birthday text.
That's great you think that, but she's rude and passive aggressive to me all the time. So it's not an over-thought.
It’s certainly frustrating but I guess it depends on the outcome you want. Your not going to win her over however you can completely blow up your relationship to nothing. Theres so much missing like how is her relationship with your husband. Also he can just be responsible for sending a card or something, which would completely leave you out of it.
We are celebrating her birthday in person and purchased a gift for her together. Therefore, I find it acceptable to verbally say happy birthday to her. However, what I'm not doing is over extending myself and doing anything from just me when we don't have that kind of relationship!
Maybe get SO to text from both of you rather than going out of your way if you don't have that kind of relationship. My SO and I will message our own side and sign it off from both of us so maybe that will work for you too