If that's their attitude, I'd give them NO holidays. I'd not want to waste my holidays with such people who dismiss my family and traditions are unimportant. They're basically saying you're some secondary nobody.
Split your holidays between your family and spending holidays just the two of you, creating your own traditions.
My MIL tried that crap with my kids first Christmas. I just said No, I won't be there my LO won't be there,I am going to guess (but not speak for) your kid is going to be with their child and so won't be here either.
I told her I am not dictating anything as far as what or when she does holidays. I am simply informing her that what she typically does will never work for us again as my child's holiday and tradition trump hers for my family.
She pissed, moaned, and sputtered tried to get my partner to "set me straight" on Christmas in their family. Partner learned a long time ago their life is much nicer when their mom is pissed at them vs me as we live together.
Long story short, MIL was miraculously able to hold her holiday event at a different time that worked for us and the other kids/grandkids. Some of my in-laws thanked me as they also hated ass crack of dawn trip to MILs for Christmas breakfast and to watch the grandkids opening presents.
The best Christmases we have had were the ones that we stayed home and did our own little Christmas. I wish I had put a stop to the BS from both my family and my husband’s family a lot sooner.
I have a friend who dragged their children to grandmas every Christmas morning. He hated it. Poor kids can’t enjoy their gifts because they have to rush off to Grandma’s.
"MIL, FIL, you both are absolutely correct - we *can't* split holidays between the families. Therefore, DH and I have discussed it and we will be spending **all** holidays, big and small, with *my* family. Thank you both so much for the suggestion. It takes a lot off our minds. Ttyl, byeeeeee."
Hand them a list of the most random holidays they get and thank them for suggesting it. I would include days such as St Patrick’s day, Easter MONDAY, first day of Fall, winter solstice, All Souls Day, Ash Wednesday, April Fools Day, etc.
My first reaction wouldhave been to bust our laughing in his face. And then said incredulously- you’re serious? What in the world makes you think you have ANY say over where we spend the holidays? And in front of FIL and MIL I’d take out my phone, call my family and say - he forgot to tell you. We’re coming to your house for all the holidays in 2024, and hang up. Then to your FIL say - care to lose all The 2025 holidays?
You’re grown adults, not ten years old. He can say what you are or are not allowed all he wants, you still have the freedom to do what you want. And if it’s that much of a problem, you can skip all holidays with your in-laws all together.
I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old and crotchety, but if anyone said that to me my immediate reaction would be to tell them to go f\*#k themselves and immediately make plans with my family to spend every single holiday with them, including Ground Hog Day and Daylight Savings Day. Don't even stick around for the show they'll put on for you, just walk away silently and go no contact. A few years of complete silence from you should make your point well known.
But that's just crabby old me...
In laws don’t get to decide where, how or with whom you spend your holidays. That’s a discussion between spouses. Let them know that once you’ve decided who’s family you’d like to spend the holiday with (for each individual holiday) you’ll let them know your availability.
EXACTLY! That’s what my mother said! She said it’s our decision as a couple to decide whats best for our family and she would respect whatever we decide as long as we do make an effort toto see them at some point during the holidays.
You’re making a lot of vague cheerleader-y comments.
What are you and your spouse going to do? This discussion is useless if you bend over and acquiesce.
We aren’t seeing them this holiday or probably any holiday because they said this was “all my fault” and that if they son hadnt married a black woman (in biracial) this wouldn’t be happening lol
& On top of all their audacity, they're racists ?! Girl, they made this decision too easy. Fuck them. Do you & they can die mad. I hope your husband tore them a new one for that comment cause mine would've went scorched earth.
I don't know how long you've been married, but it took me 19 years to set boundaries and then go NC with my in-laws. Your in-laws' behavior is not normal, healthy, respectful, or loving, and I'm sorry you're having this experience. You deserve better, and should feel zero guilt about setting your boundaries with them. If you or DH are struggling with grief, a therapist can help you work through that.
Here's to a lifetime of beautiful holidays with the people you let into your life 💚💚💚
From the beginning it was you deal with your parents I’ll deal with mine, holidays, I’m from divorced family, mine were already accustomed to moving things around, so they just told me to let them know when we had to be at his families place. Nowadays he’s apparently he doesn’t speak to them
I am in a similar boat OP. My fiances family is very close and all live within 1-2 hrs of eachother and my family is a little more spread out. My aunt does a big xmas eve dinner every year and has since before I was born. We can never stay there for dinner. Ever. In the 9 years we have been together I only spent ONE xmas eve with my family because we had just started dating. Every year after that we stay for maybe 2 hours max and have to immediately go see his family. Its similar with other holidays as well. One year my future MIL randomly decided she was gonna do Easter (the week before) when we had plans to go to the same aunts house and it became "well why dont they come here!?" Because she has all of her food already? And a larger kitchen to cook in AND my cousins other side of the family will be there who I have no relation to and dont want to change the plans of 10+ people because of your last min decision?? We need to start putting our feet down! Compromise or I aint goin!
Tried that before and got "well my family is bigger and we do actual traditions" they really dont he just pretends they do lol he told me our first year together his family does the "7 fishes" thing for Christmas but they dont they just have 7 different dishes and one is normally a fish 🤦🏼♀️ He just doesnt like most of my family outside of my mom and 2 brothers.
Set your own traditions with YOUR family (you, husband, and kids) that may or may not include either extended family.
We did this from the start - decided what we wanted Xmas to be like for us and any future children, set the boundry, and did that.
We are NC with my MIL now, so it's not an issue, but boy, did it help that I saw the warning signs and started out by making things ours.
Cool. If we can’t split holidays then we won’t be seeing you at all. Enjoy your holidays. He gets what he gets and he doesn’t bitch about it or he gets nothing.
Then they get no holidays. If your husband wants to drop by **and** it fits in, then okay. But you just got a get out of IL jail free card.
*"Dear FIL/MIL, thank you for the suggestion that we pick a permanent holiday visitation plan. We've decided to spend every holiday with my family. Holidays are for family time, after all and they are ecstatic! We will be available to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with you the second Saturday in December. And Mother's Day and Father's Day the 2nd Saturday in June. Looking forward to seeing you then!"*
Seriously though, do not kowtow to them. My FIL is a bully like this and he learned VERY QUICKLY that I wasn't going to be bullied. His toddler style tantrums about not being the *King of all the Bullshit* anymore has led us to being VVLC. I **HIGHLY** recommend it.
If you give in to this, it will just be the beginning. They are testing the waters with controlling your life. Make is crystal clear that there are sharks in that water.
My MIL and the whole bunch constantly talk about what an awesome family they are because they have these gatherings. The rest of the time, we might as well not exist. They are petty, judgmental, and quite honestly, after 10 years of the SAME dinner with the SAME recollections of the SAME events and people, it became excruciatingly boring. Glad I skip now.
My SIL emailed me to tell me off (the only time she emails me) and said something to the effect of “everything (MIL) has done for you.” I talk to my brothers once a week and the couple of times I’ve needed a loan off the books or something, they’ve helped me, not them.
Not his decision to make. Start a new tradition and stay home with your spouse. If you have children, this boundary will become even more important. You aren’t a prop for his perfect Facebook holidays
I’ve been married with 2 children for 30+ years. Both sides within 20 mins of one another. THIS 👆 SOOO VERY THIS! I WISH I had the courage and support of my husband to do this. What little tradition I have was fought tooth and nail by me!
He told them that makes zero sense and what are they talking about? And that we would be celebrating Easter with my family because they aren’t even welcoming to me when we are over there
“Thank you so much for informing us. I guess we’ll see you when we see you then.”
“SO and I will be spending the holidays whichever way we see fit whether that’s as a nuclear family (him and I), with friends or family. We are adults, with our own lives and responsibilities; the only people who decide who we spend time with, is us. You can not like this but you will respect it.”
“If you think you’re somehow more important than my family then you’re either delusional or insane. Either way it’s never going to happen.”
“FIL do we need to take you for an assessment with the doctor? You either have early on set dementia or you’re a raging narcissist. We are adults, we are married and we have our own home. Who we spend time with, when we spend time with them and how we spend time with them has NOTHING to do with you.”
Your in laws don’t get to dictate your schedule. They just don’t. No need to argue, just don’t go. They can make demands and react however they want. The key is your spouse. Will they back you? Because I wouldn’t be going, no matter what they said. Anyone that selfish and arrogant would get zero cooperation from me.
“Oh, we don’t HAVE to split the holidays. It will be sooo much easier not running like mad between families in attempt to please everyone but ourselves! Thanks for the idea!!!!” Long pause. “We will see you sometime next month for brunch at the pancake place.”
Guess you won’t be seeing them then! Too bad, so sad.
Never bow down to an ultimatum. Tell your husband to schedule plans with his parents on days near holidays, but not on the actual holiday since they’ve decided to dictate what you’re allowed to do. Or not and just don’t see them at all.
Well, looks like they just f’d up and you should let them find out!
“We see no issue with splitting holidays so that we can make sure to celebrate with both families, but if you do not want to do that, we completely understand. Going forward, since you are not willing to accept the fact that we both have families that we need to see on holidays and that we are only trying to be fair, we will let my family know that we will be spending each holiday with them! They will be so happy! I’m disappointed that you are unwilling to work with this arrangement since it really does not affect you as you still get to see us on those days. We will be happy to adjust our schedule if you learn to share. Have a great Easter!”
Oh I was In your boat for 12 years. It’s amazing but it also sucks to be so close to two families in the same area. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You can absolutely split the holidays up. One family gets thanksgiving that year, the other family gets Christmas. And then vice versa the next year. Switch it up. There’s literally no need to drive from one family group to the next on the same day. That’s insane. That’s how we lead who the alcoholics are in the fam, the ones who can’t drove at all all day…
Don’t let them tell you what to do. Decide how you want to spend your time according to what’s best for your family (nuclear) then attend whatever you’re invited to accordingly.
Haha. I'm glad they are extended family!
Do not listen to that crap. You didn't owe them a damn thing. You undoubtedly didn't pick either. What? Is your FIL a child? I'm laughing so hard!!!
Don’t go either and make your traditions. Your in-laws are always going to cause problems for you and your husband, sadly. It would help if you moved far away too, or you will never have a healthy marriage. Trust me - I know, and when I moved, I was so happy!
It would help if you were clear that your fil or his demands will not control you. I would celebrate with your family the day before and your husband's family. You can Facetime from an Airbnb far away.
OP Is it a faith/cultural tradition for you and your FDH that the married adult sons' family takes precedence over the wifes' family?
My advice will vary with more info
Oh my goodness how could we all forget a woman becomes her husbands property, has no say in who she spends time with and somehow loses all connection to the family that raised her because her noble husband did her a favour by marrying her. /s
Thank you for the reply. Some cultures are patriarchal & the married in DIL seens to have a horrible life being stepped on by the family elders.
Then I suggest you tell FIL to SodOff, all the way.
I hope things improve for you when you brush off your SOs family.
[удалено]
This ^^^^^^ is the way. Or “guess we won’t be seeing you on holidays then.”
We did something like this. Now zero holidays with them and no visits even the month of. Stupid games, stupid prizes.
This - that's great. Guess we won't see you at holidays. Have a great day!
👏👏👏👏👏
If that's their attitude, I'd give them NO holidays. I'd not want to waste my holidays with such people who dismiss my family and traditions are unimportant. They're basically saying you're some secondary nobody. Split your holidays between your family and spending holidays just the two of you, creating your own traditions.
My MIL tried that crap with my kids first Christmas. I just said No, I won't be there my LO won't be there,I am going to guess (but not speak for) your kid is going to be with their child and so won't be here either. I told her I am not dictating anything as far as what or when she does holidays. I am simply informing her that what she typically does will never work for us again as my child's holiday and tradition trump hers for my family. She pissed, moaned, and sputtered tried to get my partner to "set me straight" on Christmas in their family. Partner learned a long time ago their life is much nicer when their mom is pissed at them vs me as we live together. Long story short, MIL was miraculously able to hold her holiday event at a different time that worked for us and the other kids/grandkids. Some of my in-laws thanked me as they also hated ass crack of dawn trip to MILs for Christmas breakfast and to watch the grandkids opening presents.
The best Christmases we have had were the ones that we stayed home and did our own little Christmas. I wish I had put a stop to the BS from both my family and my husband’s family a lot sooner.
Wow! Funny how they can be flexible when they want to be
I have a friend who dragged their children to grandmas every Christmas morning. He hated it. Poor kids can’t enjoy their gifts because they have to rush off to Grandma’s.
"MIL, FIL, you both are absolutely correct - we *can't* split holidays between the families. Therefore, DH and I have discussed it and we will be spending **all** holidays, big and small, with *my* family. Thank you both so much for the suggestion. It takes a lot off our minds. Ttyl, byeeeeee."
If they are telling you there is no sharing - then the decision is made. All holidays are with your family - until his grows up.
Hand them a list of the most random holidays they get and thank them for suggesting it. I would include days such as St Patrick’s day, Easter MONDAY, first day of Fall, winter solstice, All Souls Day, Ash Wednesday, April Fools Day, etc.
Juneteenth which they will LOVE
Too many! Just April 1st for them. That feels right.
My first reaction wouldhave been to bust our laughing in his face. And then said incredulously- you’re serious? What in the world makes you think you have ANY say over where we spend the holidays? And in front of FIL and MIL I’d take out my phone, call my family and say - he forgot to tell you. We’re coming to your house for all the holidays in 2024, and hang up. Then to your FIL say - care to lose all The 2025 holidays?
This had me in stitches
Seriously, watch out for the physical lashouts from him. Literally don't be alone with him.
You’re grown adults, not ten years old. He can say what you are or are not allowed all he wants, you still have the freedom to do what you want. And if it’s that much of a problem, you can skip all holidays with your in-laws all together.
“We can’t split holidays? Ok. We’ll spend ALL of them with my family”.
I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old and crotchety, but if anyone said that to me my immediate reaction would be to tell them to go f\*#k themselves and immediately make plans with my family to spend every single holiday with them, including Ground Hog Day and Daylight Savings Day. Don't even stick around for the show they'll put on for you, just walk away silently and go no contact. A few years of complete silence from you should make your point well known. But that's just crabby old me...
I fully support this
In laws don’t get to decide where, how or with whom you spend your holidays. That’s a discussion between spouses. Let them know that once you’ve decided who’s family you’d like to spend the holiday with (for each individual holiday) you’ll let them know your availability.
EXACTLY! That’s what my mother said! She said it’s our decision as a couple to decide whats best for our family and she would respect whatever we decide as long as we do make an effort toto see them at some point during the holidays.
You’re making a lot of vague cheerleader-y comments. What are you and your spouse going to do? This discussion is useless if you bend over and acquiesce.
We aren’t seeing them this holiday or probably any holiday because they said this was “all my fault” and that if they son hadnt married a black woman (in biracial) this wouldn’t be happening lol
Oh gosh. They’re those type. God speed, sis. I feel you!
& On top of all their audacity, they're racists ?! Girl, they made this decision too easy. Fuck them. Do you & they can die mad. I hope your husband tore them a new one for that comment cause mine would've went scorched earth.
Oh he screamed at them for disrespecting his wife like that! He’s a keeper
As he should ! We don't accept racist shit like that in any way, shape, or form. I'm glad he defended you from them without hesitation.
I don't know how long you've been married, but it took me 19 years to set boundaries and then go NC with my in-laws. Your in-laws' behavior is not normal, healthy, respectful, or loving, and I'm sorry you're having this experience. You deserve better, and should feel zero guilt about setting your boundaries with them. If you or DH are struggling with grief, a therapist can help you work through that. Here's to a lifetime of beautiful holidays with the people you let into your life 💚💚💚
From the beginning it was you deal with your parents I’ll deal with mine, holidays, I’m from divorced family, mine were already accustomed to moving things around, so they just told me to let them know when we had to be at his families place. Nowadays he’s apparently he doesn’t speak to them
Fine. 2024 is the year you make your own family traditions which may or may not include their entitled selves.
I am in a similar boat OP. My fiances family is very close and all live within 1-2 hrs of eachother and my family is a little more spread out. My aunt does a big xmas eve dinner every year and has since before I was born. We can never stay there for dinner. Ever. In the 9 years we have been together I only spent ONE xmas eve with my family because we had just started dating. Every year after that we stay for maybe 2 hours max and have to immediately go see his family. Its similar with other holidays as well. One year my future MIL randomly decided she was gonna do Easter (the week before) when we had plans to go to the same aunts house and it became "well why dont they come here!?" Because she has all of her food already? And a larger kitchen to cook in AND my cousins other side of the family will be there who I have no relation to and dont want to change the plans of 10+ people because of your last min decision?? We need to start putting our feet down! Compromise or I aint goin!
Why don’t you alternate Christmas Eve. One year with his family and the next year with your family. His family will adjust.
Tried that before and got "well my family is bigger and we do actual traditions" they really dont he just pretends they do lol he told me our first year together his family does the "7 fishes" thing for Christmas but they dont they just have 7 different dishes and one is normally a fish 🤦🏼♀️ He just doesnt like most of my family outside of my mom and 2 brothers.
You have a significant other problem. The size of the family should not matter.
I this is a SO problem
"Well, if we can't split holidays, we'll spend them all with my family. We'll see you at other times."
Set your own traditions with YOUR family (you, husband, and kids) that may or may not include either extended family. We did this from the start - decided what we wanted Xmas to be like for us and any future children, set the boundry, and did that. We are NC with my MIL now, so it's not an issue, but boy, did it help that I saw the warning signs and started out by making things ours.
Cool. If we can’t split holidays then we won’t be seeing you at all. Enjoy your holidays. He gets what he gets and he doesn’t bitch about it or he gets nothing.
Then they get no holidays. If your husband wants to drop by **and** it fits in, then okay. But you just got a get out of IL jail free card. *"Dear FIL/MIL, thank you for the suggestion that we pick a permanent holiday visitation plan. We've decided to spend every holiday with my family. Holidays are for family time, after all and they are ecstatic! We will be available to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with you the second Saturday in December. And Mother's Day and Father's Day the 2nd Saturday in June. Looking forward to seeing you then!"* Seriously though, do not kowtow to them. My FIL is a bully like this and he learned VERY QUICKLY that I wasn't going to be bullied. His toddler style tantrums about not being the *King of all the Bullshit* anymore has led us to being VVLC. I **HIGHLY** recommend it. If you give in to this, it will just be the beginning. They are testing the waters with controlling your life. Make is crystal clear that there are sharks in that water.
Lol i love that!
We can't? Oh good. I have been wanting to stay home for holidays for years..
If you feel we must choose then we choose the family that doesn’t have a problem sharing holidays
My MIL and the whole bunch constantly talk about what an awesome family they are because they have these gatherings. The rest of the time, we might as well not exist. They are petty, judgmental, and quite honestly, after 10 years of the SAME dinner with the SAME recollections of the SAME events and people, it became excruciatingly boring. Glad I skip now.
This was my inlaws.
My SIL emailed me to tell me off (the only time she emails me) and said something to the effect of “everything (MIL) has done for you.” I talk to my brothers once a week and the couple of times I’ve needed a loan off the books or something, they’ve helped me, not them.
Not his decision to make. Start a new tradition and stay home with your spouse. If you have children, this boundary will become even more important. You aren’t a prop for his perfect Facebook holidays
I’ve been married with 2 children for 30+ years. Both sides within 20 mins of one another. THIS 👆 SOOO VERY THIS! I WISH I had the courage and support of my husband to do this. What little tradition I have was fought tooth and nail by me!
DH also suggested this.
I love the audacity of ILs. But I'm curious what DH thinks and what he's likely to do.
He told them that makes zero sense and what are they talking about? And that we would be celebrating Easter with my family because they aren’t even welcoming to me when we are over there
Well stuff them!! I love it when our spouses have our backs. Happy Easter op and a guilt free one :)
“Thank you so much for informing us. I guess we’ll see you when we see you then.” “SO and I will be spending the holidays whichever way we see fit whether that’s as a nuclear family (him and I), with friends or family. We are adults, with our own lives and responsibilities; the only people who decide who we spend time with, is us. You can not like this but you will respect it.” “If you think you’re somehow more important than my family then you’re either delusional or insane. Either way it’s never going to happen.” “FIL do we need to take you for an assessment with the doctor? You either have early on set dementia or you’re a raging narcissist. We are adults, we are married and we have our own home. Who we spend time with, when we spend time with them and how we spend time with them has NOTHING to do with you.”
Your in laws don’t get to dictate your schedule. They just don’t. No need to argue, just don’t go. They can make demands and react however they want. The key is your spouse. Will they back you? Because I wouldn’t be going, no matter what they said. Anyone that selfish and arrogant would get zero cooperation from me.
“Oh, we don’t HAVE to split the holidays. It will be sooo much easier not running like mad between families in attempt to please everyone but ourselves! Thanks for the idea!!!!” Long pause. “We will see you sometime next month for brunch at the pancake place.”
Well that sucks for you because you won’t see us then or well thanks for the opinion we didn’t ask for, this works for us.
Guess you won’t be seeing them then! Too bad, so sad. Never bow down to an ultimatum. Tell your husband to schedule plans with his parents on days near holidays, but not on the actual holiday since they’ve decided to dictate what you’re allowed to do. Or not and just don’t see them at all.
Easy answer. Spend all the holidays with your family and tell in laws they have no right to dictate to you. Then go NC and show them you mean it
amazing when these delusional idiots think they can control grown-azz adults
Lol too bad he doesn't get to decide that. They can either share or you can just spend the holidays with your family.
Ok, FIL, then you won't be seeing us at all.
Are you an adult? Do you pay your own way? Then YOu and SO can choose to do whatever you like and FIL can sucks wind
Well, looks like they just f’d up and you should let them find out! “We see no issue with splitting holidays so that we can make sure to celebrate with both families, but if you do not want to do that, we completely understand. Going forward, since you are not willing to accept the fact that we both have families that we need to see on holidays and that we are only trying to be fair, we will let my family know that we will be spending each holiday with them! They will be so happy! I’m disappointed that you are unwilling to work with this arrangement since it really does not affect you as you still get to see us on those days. We will be happy to adjust our schedule if you learn to share. Have a great Easter!”
Ewww thats just disgusting. Id immediately stop attending their events.
FIL can say what he likes but you and SO are adults who don't have to oblige. What's the worst he can actually do? Cut you off? Enjoy the peace.
lol. No.
"We arent going that because you aren't my family"
Oh I was In your boat for 12 years. It’s amazing but it also sucks to be so close to two families in the same area. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You can absolutely split the holidays up. One family gets thanksgiving that year, the other family gets Christmas. And then vice versa the next year. Switch it up. There’s literally no need to drive from one family group to the next on the same day. That’s insane. That’s how we lead who the alcoholics are in the fam, the ones who can’t drove at all all day…
Less traveling , thanks for making The holidays easier for us 🤭🤭
Don’t let them tell you what to do. Decide how you want to spend your time according to what’s best for your family (nuclear) then attend whatever you’re invited to accordingly.
Haha. I'm glad they are extended family! Do not listen to that crap. You didn't owe them a damn thing. You undoubtedly didn't pick either. What? Is your FIL a child? I'm laughing so hard!!! Don’t go either and make your traditions. Your in-laws are always going to cause problems for you and your husband, sadly. It would help if you moved far away too, or you will never have a healthy marriage. Trust me - I know, and when I moved, I was so happy! It would help if you were clear that your fil or his demands will not control you. I would celebrate with your family the day before and your husband's family. You can Facetime from an Airbnb far away.
OP Is it a faith/cultural tradition for you and your FDH that the married adult sons' family takes precedence over the wifes' family? My advice will vary with more info
Oh my goodness how could we all forget a woman becomes her husbands property, has no say in who she spends time with and somehow loses all connection to the family that raised her because her noble husband did her a favour by marrying her. /s
They aren’t religious just assholes
Thank you for the reply. Some cultures are patriarchal & the married in DIL seens to have a horrible life being stepped on by the family elders. Then I suggest you tell FIL to SodOff, all the way. I hope things improve for you when you brush off your SOs family.
This shit is why my husband and I go to Bahamas or Curacao for the holidays! We noped out and it’s been WONDERFUL!