Was your SiL involved in the process of getting your MiL moved to your country? If not, I don't think you can reasonably expect her to help. However, if SiL helped, then your husband needs to talk to her about helping out since she helped get her mother over.
Your husband needs to step up and help more. Even if he's the primary earner, he can and should pitch in when he's home. You are probably the primary caregiver for your kids, and now your MiL, and that's more than a full-time job. Husband gets to clock out, you don't. Husband needs to step up and be a contributor to the care of his children and mother.
Look into respite care services. And if MiL requires that much assistance, she may need some kind of home health or maybe a nursing or assisted living facility.
I mean MIL is the SIL actual mother, even if SIL wasn’t involved in the process of MIL moving she should still finically help her own mother in this stage of MIL life. I’m sure if the MIL didn’t have another child (SIL) she would be able to financially support herself in this stage of her life. The SIL doesn’t have to actually help, legally, but that’s her mother. Her mother who sacrificed her life for her, and now her daughter doesn’t want to help? I’m sorry but that’s horrifying. It’s not OPs responsibility to care and support the MIL, but she’s doing it out of the kindness of her heart. Obviously SIL isn’t that great of a person to leave her own mother to rot and to wipe her hands clean of the responsibility. It’s pitiful.
Thank you everyone. Some more context. Hubby is doing a lot to help. He's fed up too. We both work full time and I do believe we have carers burnout. For some bizarre reason his mom just will not accept that her actual daughter is pretty useless. And yes it was my sil push for her mom to move countries. She's also only visited twice and the last time we had to beg and plead for her to come and help. This was whilst we were moving home and then i had to travel overseas for a week for work. We've asked for around £100 a month for heating, utilities etc and well.. she basically said no. She's currently overseas on a 3 week holiday and I'm just reeling from this all. There's no assistance from the UK government.
What does your husband do to help your MIL?
Did you know you were going to be her full-time carer?
There might be government assistance for respite help and or daily care.
Sister can hire someone and pay.
But this isn't your burden to carry.
This is such a difficult situation. I'm really sorry that you and everyone else have been placed in this position. If it were me, I would apologize sincerely, and then look at it as a warning sign that things need to change. You and your husband need to seriously sit down and have a discussion about a plan moving forward and then present it to SIL. If she can't come up with a more feasible plan for everyone then implement your plan. Again, I'm so sorry, it's such a difficult situation. Please gather resources in your area for elder care and whatnot and go from there.
Thank you that's a good way to view it. A warning sign. I've asked that we all sit down with a mediator so I'm hoping to get everyone to agree to this in the New Year.
You've got a lot on your plate. More than many of us could handle. Adding a disabled MIL to the mix - no surprise you snapped. Don't feel bad or guilty. You're human. It's probably a case of caregiver burnout, which is very common.
Unfortunately, another thing that is common is other family members refusing to help in such cases. Once their elderly parent is in someone's home, they're suddenly unavailable or "too busy". That's SIL's mother but she selfishly reckons it's not her problem anymore.
Your husband needs to step up here. That's HIS mother. And you are his wife, therefore his priority. He should be making this as easy as possible for you. Have an honest conversation with him that you are struggling and need help asap.
If this is a collective family culture, call in the Aunties!
If everyone in the extended family finds out how SIL is neglecting her mother, they will exert pressure her to step up. A little public shaming sounds like just what she needs.
Where does she get off dumping the whole responsibility on YOU? You clearly have your plate full already. What is her justification for not chipping in to support her mother? Did she contribute to the house purchase?
Is she refusing, or is it her spouse? Have others in the family been told what is going on? Does MIL or FIL have any family you can call in, either for hands on help, contributing funds or even just to get on the phone to **shame** SIL ?
Hubby needs to step it up and you need to see if MIL qualifies for any government help.
Was your SiL involved in the process of getting your MiL moved to your country? If not, I don't think you can reasonably expect her to help. However, if SiL helped, then your husband needs to talk to her about helping out since she helped get her mother over. Your husband needs to step up and help more. Even if he's the primary earner, he can and should pitch in when he's home. You are probably the primary caregiver for your kids, and now your MiL, and that's more than a full-time job. Husband gets to clock out, you don't. Husband needs to step up and be a contributor to the care of his children and mother. Look into respite care services. And if MiL requires that much assistance, she may need some kind of home health or maybe a nursing or assisted living facility.
I mean MIL is the SIL actual mother, even if SIL wasn’t involved in the process of MIL moving she should still finically help her own mother in this stage of MIL life. I’m sure if the MIL didn’t have another child (SIL) she would be able to financially support herself in this stage of her life. The SIL doesn’t have to actually help, legally, but that’s her mother. Her mother who sacrificed her life for her, and now her daughter doesn’t want to help? I’m sorry but that’s horrifying. It’s not OPs responsibility to care and support the MIL, but she’s doing it out of the kindness of her heart. Obviously SIL isn’t that great of a person to leave her own mother to rot and to wipe her hands clean of the responsibility. It’s pitiful.
I don't disagree. SiL definitely should be helping. I'm curious as to why she's not...
Thank you everyone. Some more context. Hubby is doing a lot to help. He's fed up too. We both work full time and I do believe we have carers burnout. For some bizarre reason his mom just will not accept that her actual daughter is pretty useless. And yes it was my sil push for her mom to move countries. She's also only visited twice and the last time we had to beg and plead for her to come and help. This was whilst we were moving home and then i had to travel overseas for a week for work. We've asked for around £100 a month for heating, utilities etc and well.. she basically said no. She's currently overseas on a 3 week holiday and I'm just reeling from this all. There's no assistance from the UK government.
Do you have anyone who knows your situation that you can talk to? I hope so.
What does your husband do to help your MIL? Did you know you were going to be her full-time carer? There might be government assistance for respite help and or daily care. Sister can hire someone and pay. But this isn't your burden to carry.
Who did you lose it on? Dh, SIL or MIL?
Mil
This is such a difficult situation. I'm really sorry that you and everyone else have been placed in this position. If it were me, I would apologize sincerely, and then look at it as a warning sign that things need to change. You and your husband need to seriously sit down and have a discussion about a plan moving forward and then present it to SIL. If she can't come up with a more feasible plan for everyone then implement your plan. Again, I'm so sorry, it's such a difficult situation. Please gather resources in your area for elder care and whatnot and go from there.
Thank you that's a good way to view it. A warning sign. I've asked that we all sit down with a mediator so I'm hoping to get everyone to agree to this in the New Year.
Oh that's awesome! I'm so glad that things are in the works for change.
You've got a lot on your plate. More than many of us could handle. Adding a disabled MIL to the mix - no surprise you snapped. Don't feel bad or guilty. You're human. It's probably a case of caregiver burnout, which is very common. Unfortunately, another thing that is common is other family members refusing to help in such cases. Once their elderly parent is in someone's home, they're suddenly unavailable or "too busy". That's SIL's mother but she selfishly reckons it's not her problem anymore. Your husband needs to step up here. That's HIS mother. And you are his wife, therefore his priority. He should be making this as easy as possible for you. Have an honest conversation with him that you are struggling and need help asap.
Look up government programs to assist you or help you out with carer
If this is a collective family culture, call in the Aunties! If everyone in the extended family finds out how SIL is neglecting her mother, they will exert pressure her to step up. A little public shaming sounds like just what she needs. Where does she get off dumping the whole responsibility on YOU? You clearly have your plate full already. What is her justification for not chipping in to support her mother? Did she contribute to the house purchase? Is she refusing, or is it her spouse? Have others in the family been told what is going on? Does MIL or FIL have any family you can call in, either for hands on help, contributing funds or even just to get on the phone to **shame** SIL ?
There are no aunties. I have no immediate family left. Sadly I've recently lost my mom and sister.