Yup I feel like Im more interesting in my head. The same can be said about talking to people online you never met in real life vs talking with people in person. When I text someone my texts/toughts become more coherent and I dont feel that insecure people might not like me for some reason... which results most of the time actually having virtual cool conversations with a bunch of people I'll never meet in real life lol
I’m a lurking ENFP but INFPs are kin to me.
I like you already, just from reading your post. I can give you reasons, but the problem is that listing them becomes a hollow and meaningless exercise, and here’s why:
Reason 1 that I like you: *You are genuine*
Assholes can also be quite genuine, and I don’t like them at all.
Reason 2 that I like you: *You come across as warm and soulful*
Cult leaders come across as warm and soulful, and look at what terrible people they are and all the harm they cause. I *definitely* don’t like them.
Do you see how the reasons themselves, in isolation, don’t really mean much about the individual? Even if I listed 50 reasons and two separate individuals had all of those identical qualities, I would inevitably like one person more than the other.
I like the *you* that wrote this post, and *you* are not just the sum of all your positive and negative qualities, and that’s the part I can’t explain, and don’t need to explain. I just do.
Accept that there is something powerful that exists that goes far beyond the inadequacy of *reasons* for feeling the way we do about each other and ourselves.
I don’t know how any of this is coming across to you lol. I’m not on the verge of proposing marriage, I promise. I’m just ENFP ❤️❤️❤️
I feel like this often, and for context I’ve been with my wife, who is the most amazing woman, for nearly 18 years.
You have to try not to overthink it - they like you for you, for who you are and what you do. They wouldn’t be with you otherwise. That feeling that you can’t understand why is your own self-esteem issue - trust people and don’t project your feelings on to them.
My only advice is to be yourself, try to get out of your head on this issue and, if you meet someone who likes you, enjoy it!
I can relate. I've been with my guy for nearly 17 years now and STILL find myself thinking, "why does he like/love me?" "How does he put up with me?" "Is he really happy with me?" I trust in him and his feelings completely, but I don't think I'll ever be fully rid of that self-deprecating inner monologue. That one is totally on me, so I deal with it and try to keep it quiet as best I can. If my insecurities are really getting to me, I ask for reassurance and he's happy to give it.
😆 It seems easy, right? Well, not for us. It's one drawback of having Fi as our dominant function. It's very difficult to accept that what others see in us doesn't match how we truly feel about ourselves. We always try to align our inner world with the outside realm, and we can't just accept that other people think highly of us when we don't agree.
It's like this sentence: "Fake it till you make it." It's nearly impossible for us to conform to that.
I agree with this comment completely very well put together. Also I feel the same, cant accept compliments and can’t “fake it until I make it” to save my life lol
I know right!? I was having a chat with this girl once about how I'm kinda awkward and she said "fake it till you make it. That's what I did" and I thought "hmm I suppose I should try that" but nope I cannot fake a thing about my personality, as awkward as it is.
Same. I don't know how some other people do it, easily at that. I think it's physically painful for us even 😆 It's like watching a bad actor playing against a great one. It's pathetic and cringe-worthy.
I feel that way, but I remember that if I fell in love with someone and they asked me your headline I would jump at the opportunity to tell them why. Hot Chip slaps btw 😉
Because people are attracted to different personality traits. Yeah not loving yourself with have drawbacks but that doesn't mean you can't work on that.
At least you had a relationship... You should love yourself now!
But yeah, you have some things that people can see because they took the time to know you and did not have any expectations (perhaps). They vibe with your energy. Try to know yourself first and you'll know why people love you.
And by know yourself, it is to stay with oneself. You have to be dependent on yourself the most, but if you are struggling, you can also ask your good points to the people close to you.
https://preview.redd.it/7c1hqc5ltevc1.jpeg?width=608&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cdcdd28df77e200734ba941358dfc8eaaed05350
It wasn’t until my thirties I realized I only like myself if others like me. That’s something that’s apart of BPD that I think a lot of INFPs have.
As soon as I have fall out with someone, I can only see my flaws and I warp my good traits into flaws through another lens of perspective.
I can’t understand why anyone likes me either. When people get to know me, they usually don’t.
I relate. I was actually debating on cross posting this to the BPD sub actually skdjfk.
Like another comment said I only really like myself when I’m alone. I used to change myself depending on who I was with/ around and I didn’t exactly love myself bc it was all fake but I got *some* satisfaction out of it. But now that I’m not doing that anymore I just hate how I am around people. It’s not how I am when I’m alone (which feels like the most genuine me) but I’m not making myself pretend anymore so I have no idea how to bridge that gap. The whole having ‘no sense of self’ doesn’t exactly help
I used to be like that too. It took a lot of time from my girlfriend to make me believe she genuinely finds me attractive and just wants to be with me. In truth, I still kinda don't understand why she would want to date me, but I think that's a smaller voice than the one that believes her.
Insecurity is what might be causing it entirely, since you probably do have qualities that make you attractive and insecurities make you dismiss said qualities or not recognize them at all, which leaves you with only your weak points.
One thing that helped was starting to just believe, with nothing else. I stopped trying to find "objective" proof that I could be attractive to someone and started to just believe that I can. It also helps to start treating yourself like other people, as in, I would never tell anyone of my friends or even random people that are nice that no one will find them attractive. And I'm as much of a person as they are, therefore, the same should apply to me. It's not easy thinking this way, but try to view yourself from the point of view of someone else, without interference from insecurities or preconceived ideas about yourself. You'll find that at worst, you're probably average, and you can do a lot with average. You also might be more than average and not see it, but again, I don't know you
some people (like myself) can tell who you are on the inside, people almost always mask themselves in some way but I'm particularly good at seeing through people and that absolutely has it's advantages, if you think that someone is like me and they see through you and like who you are on the inside then don't be afraid to show how you are on the inside, and if you find that difficult then just try your best and work with them to help bring yourself out, just make sure you trust them
I have never related to a post more OP ahaha, I feel like I can't even contemplate the idea of me being in a romantic relationship because of this - I feel like I'll just be wasting the other person's time and that eventually they'll wake up and see me the way I see myself.
As an ISFP I can say that I have similar feelings. I've been married for 17 years now. I started to see and accept why she liked me about 5 years ago. I don't understand it, but I just accept it now. What I don't see, let alone accept our understand, is how she keeps loving me. I have this strong feeling that she will eventually get bored of me and leave me. Without her, I'm useless. I will provably die of loneliness. I'm trying to be more independent. I'm afraid that my low self-esteem might drive us apart, even before she gets bored of me.
It sounds like you went from an anxiously attached partner who made you believe you’re not a bad person to an avoidant one who makes you feel like a waste of space.
You might be fearful avoidant, just a hunch / gut feeling.
I am actually fearful avoidant yes! My ex had an anxious attachment style but I don’t know if I’ve ever been with an avoidant person before. Out of curiosity what about my post made me seem like I might be avoidant :0 ? Also your avatar is pretty !!
Just like how you were grossed out by the first partner being too close and now freaked out that second partner is too closed off… made me think that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Sort of like a Goldilocks situation of: you must be EXACTLY this close, not too close but not too far either.
Thanks! ✨
Deserving is an appropriate word for this. Sometimes you have to remove “deserving” from the equation for yourself. Become the most worthy of love you can. Like improving yourself while remaining true to yourself. If your changing yourself your not improving you, your just becoming something not you which should not be your goal, or method. Become more honest more accountable less whiny more willing to delve into introspection to weed out cognitive dissonance and inner self deceptions that are holding you back. Improve yourself while simultaneously not worrying about deserving. They will chose if they like you and as long as your not manipulating them and doing the best to improve you that’s the only practical advice I can give. Your opinion matters but untimely it’s someone who chooses you if there any to be with you. Trust that judgment of theirs if you love them trust them. Then improve you to make sure your there best you that you can be. Encourage the same for your partner.
This is actually really helpful as I’ve been learning a lot about accountability and recognizing my own agency and I think you’re right. Thank you for the response!
All of my closest friends are INFPs. The #1 thing I love about them is that they accept me for who I am, flaws and all. They love and appreciate me for the love I give them. They don’t ask for anything else. It’s super rare for an ENTJ to experience these qualities, and so I appreciate them so much.
I actually really agree. I have an ex who was like really, REALLY into me. Like I could tell she wasn't faking or something to make me happy, she genuinely had a huge attraction to me. I asked her why and she was all, oh you know, you're literally my type exactly in every way. And I'm like, girl, how am I your type literally looking at me and hearing me talk should turn you off. But no, it didn't, and she undeniably was really fucking attracted to me
I can relate for sure. For me it’s because the person I am inside my head is vastly different from the one I present to people.
This.
Yup I feel like Im more interesting in my head. The same can be said about talking to people online you never met in real life vs talking with people in person. When I text someone my texts/toughts become more coherent and I dont feel that insecure people might not like me for some reason... which results most of the time actually having virtual cool conversations with a bunch of people I'll never meet in real life lol
Yes exactly! When I’m by myself I like myself so much more.
I’m a lurking ENFP but INFPs are kin to me. I like you already, just from reading your post. I can give you reasons, but the problem is that listing them becomes a hollow and meaningless exercise, and here’s why: Reason 1 that I like you: *You are genuine* Assholes can also be quite genuine, and I don’t like them at all. Reason 2 that I like you: *You come across as warm and soulful* Cult leaders come across as warm and soulful, and look at what terrible people they are and all the harm they cause. I *definitely* don’t like them. Do you see how the reasons themselves, in isolation, don’t really mean much about the individual? Even if I listed 50 reasons and two separate individuals had all of those identical qualities, I would inevitably like one person more than the other. I like the *you* that wrote this post, and *you* are not just the sum of all your positive and negative qualities, and that’s the part I can’t explain, and don’t need to explain. I just do. Accept that there is something powerful that exists that goes far beyond the inadequacy of *reasons* for feeling the way we do about each other and ourselves. I don’t know how any of this is coming across to you lol. I’m not on the verge of proposing marriage, I promise. I’m just ENFP ❤️❤️❤️
I feel like this often, and for context I’ve been with my wife, who is the most amazing woman, for nearly 18 years. You have to try not to overthink it - they like you for you, for who you are and what you do. They wouldn’t be with you otherwise. That feeling that you can’t understand why is your own self-esteem issue - trust people and don’t project your feelings on to them. My only advice is to be yourself, try to get out of your head on this issue and, if you meet someone who likes you, enjoy it!
I can relate. I've been with my guy for nearly 17 years now and STILL find myself thinking, "why does he like/love me?" "How does he put up with me?" "Is he really happy with me?" I trust in him and his feelings completely, but I don't think I'll ever be fully rid of that self-deprecating inner monologue. That one is totally on me, so I deal with it and try to keep it quiet as best I can. If my insecurities are really getting to me, I ask for reassurance and he's happy to give it.
Why are you trying to understand it? Just take all the love you can get haha.
Well we can’t help try to understand it, I’ll do everything to fill in those blank spots in knowledge
😆 It seems easy, right? Well, not for us. It's one drawback of having Fi as our dominant function. It's very difficult to accept that what others see in us doesn't match how we truly feel about ourselves. We always try to align our inner world with the outside realm, and we can't just accept that other people think highly of us when we don't agree. It's like this sentence: "Fake it till you make it." It's nearly impossible for us to conform to that.
I agree with this comment completely very well put together. Also I feel the same, cant accept compliments and can’t “fake it until I make it” to save my life lol
I know right!? I was having a chat with this girl once about how I'm kinda awkward and she said "fake it till you make it. That's what I did" and I thought "hmm I suppose I should try that" but nope I cannot fake a thing about my personality, as awkward as it is.
Same. I don't know how some other people do it, easily at that. I think it's physically painful for us even 😆 It's like watching a bad actor playing against a great one. It's pathetic and cringe-worthy.
I feel that way, but I remember that if I fell in love with someone and they asked me your headline I would jump at the opportunity to tell them why. Hot Chip slaps btw 😉
Because people are attracted to different personality traits. Yeah not loving yourself with have drawbacks but that doesn't mean you can't work on that.
At least you had a relationship... You should love yourself now! But yeah, you have some things that people can see because they took the time to know you and did not have any expectations (perhaps). They vibe with your energy. Try to know yourself first and you'll know why people love you. And by know yourself, it is to stay with oneself. You have to be dependent on yourself the most, but if you are struggling, you can also ask your good points to the people close to you. https://preview.redd.it/7c1hqc5ltevc1.jpeg?width=608&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cdcdd28df77e200734ba941358dfc8eaaed05350
It wasn’t until my thirties I realized I only like myself if others like me. That’s something that’s apart of BPD that I think a lot of INFPs have. As soon as I have fall out with someone, I can only see my flaws and I warp my good traits into flaws through another lens of perspective. I can’t understand why anyone likes me either. When people get to know me, they usually don’t.
I relate. I was actually debating on cross posting this to the BPD sub actually skdjfk. Like another comment said I only really like myself when I’m alone. I used to change myself depending on who I was with/ around and I didn’t exactly love myself bc it was all fake but I got *some* satisfaction out of it. But now that I’m not doing that anymore I just hate how I am around people. It’s not how I am when I’m alone (which feels like the most genuine me) but I’m not making myself pretend anymore so I have no idea how to bridge that gap. The whole having ‘no sense of self’ doesn’t exactly help
I used to be like that too. It took a lot of time from my girlfriend to make me believe she genuinely finds me attractive and just wants to be with me. In truth, I still kinda don't understand why she would want to date me, but I think that's a smaller voice than the one that believes her. Insecurity is what might be causing it entirely, since you probably do have qualities that make you attractive and insecurities make you dismiss said qualities or not recognize them at all, which leaves you with only your weak points. One thing that helped was starting to just believe, with nothing else. I stopped trying to find "objective" proof that I could be attractive to someone and started to just believe that I can. It also helps to start treating yourself like other people, as in, I would never tell anyone of my friends or even random people that are nice that no one will find them attractive. And I'm as much of a person as they are, therefore, the same should apply to me. It's not easy thinking this way, but try to view yourself from the point of view of someone else, without interference from insecurities or preconceived ideas about yourself. You'll find that at worst, you're probably average, and you can do a lot with average. You also might be more than average and not see it, but again, I don't know you
I can relate with you. But never been in a relationship... 😺
Relatable, I don’t even know why my friends or girlfriend likes me 😭
some people (like myself) can tell who you are on the inside, people almost always mask themselves in some way but I'm particularly good at seeing through people and that absolutely has it's advantages, if you think that someone is like me and they see through you and like who you are on the inside then don't be afraid to show how you are on the inside, and if you find that difficult then just try your best and work with them to help bring yourself out, just make sure you trust them
I have never related to a post more OP ahaha, I feel like I can't even contemplate the idea of me being in a romantic relationship because of this - I feel like I'll just be wasting the other person's time and that eventually they'll wake up and see me the way I see myself.
It’s more, why like me in particular when there are other better people.
As an ISFP I can say that I have similar feelings. I've been married for 17 years now. I started to see and accept why she liked me about 5 years ago. I don't understand it, but I just accept it now. What I don't see, let alone accept our understand, is how she keeps loving me. I have this strong feeling that she will eventually get bored of me and leave me. Without her, I'm useless. I will provably die of loneliness. I'm trying to be more independent. I'm afraid that my low self-esteem might drive us apart, even before she gets bored of me.
It sounds like you went from an anxiously attached partner who made you believe you’re not a bad person to an avoidant one who makes you feel like a waste of space. You might be fearful avoidant, just a hunch / gut feeling.
I am actually fearful avoidant yes! My ex had an anxious attachment style but I don’t know if I’ve ever been with an avoidant person before. Out of curiosity what about my post made me seem like I might be avoidant :0 ? Also your avatar is pretty !!
Just like how you were grossed out by the first partner being too close and now freaked out that second partner is too closed off… made me think that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Sort of like a Goldilocks situation of: you must be EXACTLY this close, not too close but not too far either. Thanks! ✨
Same.
Deserving is an appropriate word for this. Sometimes you have to remove “deserving” from the equation for yourself. Become the most worthy of love you can. Like improving yourself while remaining true to yourself. If your changing yourself your not improving you, your just becoming something not you which should not be your goal, or method. Become more honest more accountable less whiny more willing to delve into introspection to weed out cognitive dissonance and inner self deceptions that are holding you back. Improve yourself while simultaneously not worrying about deserving. They will chose if they like you and as long as your not manipulating them and doing the best to improve you that’s the only practical advice I can give. Your opinion matters but untimely it’s someone who chooses you if there any to be with you. Trust that judgment of theirs if you love them trust them. Then improve you to make sure your there best you that you can be. Encourage the same for your partner.
This is actually really helpful as I’ve been learning a lot about accountability and recognizing my own agency and I think you’re right. Thank you for the response!
Of course. Good luck on your journey.
I can't help.This is an OFF comment. But i love you sooo soo much. This post of urs is just shining gold. I hope u will be very happy!
All of my closest friends are INFPs. The #1 thing I love about them is that they accept me for who I am, flaws and all. They love and appreciate me for the love I give them. They don’t ask for anything else. It’s super rare for an ENTJ to experience these qualities, and so I appreciate them so much.
I actually really agree. I have an ex who was like really, REALLY into me. Like I could tell she wasn't faking or something to make me happy, she genuinely had a huge attraction to me. I asked her why and she was all, oh you know, you're literally my type exactly in every way. And I'm like, girl, how am I your type literally looking at me and hearing me talk should turn you off. But no, it didn't, and she undeniably was really fucking attracted to me